#after that I'll still have to go do productive adulting but I'll be able to sleep better n have energies n time to draw stuff n gaming

[doubleedgemode]

I wanted to go on a drawing spree yesterday, but I could only muster these two before dozing off.

First one, even if I'm not that sure about how I drew her face shape in this angle (and most importantly I forgot her neck and torso bandages OOPS) I do really like how most of the drawing came out. And at least it isn't a bland bust this time, though I'm pretty sure I've already drawn a pose like this before. (Oh no the next drawing is a 3/4 bust again..)

Second, yesterday I saw an artist draw some of the coolest redesigns ever for a different media piece, and thought about the many awesome gg redesigns I often see so I wanted to give A.B.A a spin... Except I was out of ideas so most of this drawing is her regular design haha. I got too tired to even try to attempt to draw the rest of the body and half-assed the key but I like the vibes and pose (even if I.. think I made her neck a bit too long? Old habits die hard... Necks are my enemies when drawing!)

I like the idea of her having a key take on the classic frankenstein bolts (though wait, her head key is referred to as a screw. Would this also be a screw or key shaped bolts??-)

[sgiandubh]

What do you think of the theme “we’re all adults here” starz is using

Dear Theme Anon,

That is a beautiful question and I think this is your lucky day: with a tropical night ahead (35C/ 95F - nope, that is not a bra size 😱🤣), we simply live at night, like Superman. So, while I am slowly cooking my famed (but tedious) Circassian chicken recipe for tomorrow night's semiformal dinner, it is with great pleasure that I am answering it.

Please excuse the length. I know what I am able to do when I really like a question and yours got me immediately interested. Thank you for that.

Funnily enough, I was just having a very enriching conversation this afternoon, with a very, very good friend, who is way more intelligent than I, so she has no desire to write any blogs on Tumblr. On the very same topic you raised, Anon. With her permission, I am going to sum up the gist of it (et merci encore à toi 😘😘).

Let's look at that pic again:

The Craigh Na Dun Fateful Dance of Love and Death is one of the most moving pivotal moments of the entire series. Tens of thousands of women have shamelessly cried all around the world, while watching this (haven't you? I know I have and did it with no grace whatsoever, but pinky promise: don't tell anyone else, please). And then watched and rewatched and rewatched to oblivion, with or without that Kleenex box and that Ben and Jerry icecream at the ready.

You know, it's exactly like Shakespeare writes in Romeo and Juliet's Prologue ( I hope I still remember it...): ' A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life'. Love and Death blended together is one of the most powerful narrative tropes that ever existed. So much so, that a guy named Denis de Rougemont even famously noticed that in French, a single letter separates l'Amour (Love) and la Mort (Death), with seminal implications for our Western World mentality, ever since the Middle Ages. For some mysterious reason, we seem to always be caught completely unguarded when exposed to such ultimate injustice.

Tragic magic. This is exactly what also made OL a cult series, irrespective of its (many) unjustified lengths, its (many) moments of uneven acting and its (many, way too many) bullshit pills thrown at an increasingly jaded and bitterly divided fandom. Life imitating Art was just an unexpected blessing and a curse, that much we shippers know, and I am not planning to dwell on it.

But how long can you continue to sell this product almost exclusively to women, all around the world, especially when you are faced with the prospect of a dragging/delayed merger & acquisition (never a good sign) and an increasingly dwindling number of subscribers (never a good sign, either)? I'd think not for too long, really, even if OL still is one of ***'s biggest success stories ever. How long can you pretend to sell a high-end content to 'premium women viewers', when you know very well that you chose to discard that famed 'female gaze', which turned the series' first season into an instant media phenomenon?

Riddle me that: how to sell this product for a profit and expand that fan base while, at the same time, trying not to lose your loyal hardcore viewership?

This is ***'s first answer - I bet this will be followed by some more things, but let's see what it might mean.

On that poster, the focus is still on The Mythical Couple. Selling that good old famed, surreal chemistry - remind those old fans of that moment they felt all those feels (awww....). At the same time, try and create a need out of thin air - 'you need more'. More of what? Sex? Violence? Sexual Violence? Intrigue? Politics? Political intrigue? Ethics? Dilemmas? Ethical dilemmas? All of the above? None of the above? Stupid poster won't tell, but hey: buy me and I'll speak. Buy. Subscribe. We'll think of a way to keep you hooked - at least for the next season and a half. After all, Season Eight is a study in freestyle. After all, we conveniently leaked the info that 'Erself wrote the finale's script (why risk GoT's epic #shitshow?), so all is fine and dandy.

On par with our Mythical Couple, we have that sword. Oversized. Symmetrically featured. Action, with an intelligent twist - that is a finely wrought blade, after all. Uh-oh: that spells a new, more inclusive target. Male audience. 25 to 75, to be more exact , because the only promise the poster makes is a sobering one: 'more than fairy tales'- color me surprised.

After all, 'we're all adults, here'. Key operating words: 'all' (more inclusivity) and 'adults' (not like in X-rated, but more like in 'serious shite').

Well, then. That would require narrative chutzpah and bold choices. That would require a faster paced script, less of those never-ending side stories and borderline neurodiverse focus on irrelevant details (I am still not done with that Fiery Cross and not even ashamed of it, at this point in time) that do plague The Books. And throw rotten tomatoes at me if you wish (I don't care), that would require the end of that horribly robotic directing - we all know what the hell that means.

Will they be able to keep that high-maintenance standard? One thing I am sure of: when you treat your fandom like shite and drag along endless spells of Droughtlander without as little as a bone thrown in for diversion for months in a row, you'd better hone that blade, darlings and go for a kill. Bring it on. Bring that addictive spice back, stat.

It is my humble understanding *** wishes to create an OL universe. Wanna bet the farm that somewhere in their cartons they do entertain the possibility of (at least) a second season of BOMB? S and C cameos could be a breeze to arrange, after all ( we consider this in theory - I happen to think it could be more complicated than that). The story could be duplicated to oblivion - is it way too outlandish to imagine a season devoted to Mandy and Jem's story through several timelines?

[yellowocaballero]

hi! i've been reading some of your older fics and was wondering if there's any merit in watching buffy for the first time in the year 2024

This may not be obvious, but this is actually an extremely complicated and highly subjective question. I'll try to go on for too long.

As background: my mother loved Buffy and its spin-off Angel growing up. It was our Bible (besides the actual Bible). Not kidding, she was on the forums and fan groups and wrote fanfiction for it and everything (These days, she's really into kdramas and Asian dramas, and calls me about how the Thai seem like big fans of gay people). So I'm quite biased.

BTVS is both a product of its times and ahead of its times. It was a show about feminism and the struggle of living in this world as a woman, when very few shows were doing that. It was the first show to have a long-lasting lesbian couple, and the first show to depict a kiss between them. For better or for worse, it was one of the codifiers of broody vampire boyfriend. It was pretty unafraid to be experimental in a lot of what it did. It had incredibly complex and nuanced character work and growth that I still aspire to. Spike's arc is still matched in quality only by Avatar's Zuko. Angel's long term arc, from Buffy to his spin-off series, still makes him one of the most complex characters on TV. It had the most complex depiction of depression on TV at the time and I still think it's one of the best. I think the show had very high highs.

It also had very low lows. Some of the feminism is problematic in retrospect. The sapphic couple has a rather famous element that was severely problematic. There are, overall, some deeply atrocious arcs that I can appreciate objectively but not in practice. Xander: a whole-ass character aged awfully. On a meta level, the workplace conditions were bad (thanks, Whedon.) There are no people of color. The spoiler's sake I won't go into detail on this, but in general the good stuff was so influential and the bad stuff was just awful.

I think these days people tend to brush off the entire thing because it's Whedon. That is more than fair. But I'd also say that Whedon & Buffy is extremely similar to Brian Michael Bendis & Ultimate Spider-Man. Bendis was fantastic at writing sassy, bouncy, permanently stressed-out teens - issue was, he wrote entirely different serious adult characters the way he wrote these sassy teens. Same with Whedon: the annoyingly constant quips are perfect for Buffy, because that's who the characters are. They're awful in Marvel, because Steve Rogers is not Xander. Kinda similarly, Buffy was genuinely feminist for 90s TV - issue is, Whedon has not grown or developed his views, and now his works feel so sexist (oh my fucking god why did you treat Natasha like that). After a certain point it's egotistical: you're writing like that because you're Joss Whedon and it's how you write, not because it's what's best for the characters and story. But it was really important to me to get the character voices right, and it's freaking difficult to endlessly write dialogue that distinct, full of voice, witty, and clever.

I think BTVS & Angel TV's greatest influence on my writing is how intensely character-driven both of those shows were, and how intricate the characters were. What every character did was something they would do, if that made sense. Even the stuff I hated to watch, that made me uncomfortable, was the culmination of so much (usually). I think I also picked up the constant wit and humor lol. On a personal level, the conversations I would have with my mother where she broke down the character motivations and composition of the story was my first exposure to looking at storytelling from an analytical perspective and a framework of critical analysis, which was an approach I carried into the rest of the media I consumed and that was the primary reason I was able to become a decent writer. Thanks, Mom. Have fun with your kdramas.

TL:DR: There is merit, especially if you care about good character work. There are things about it that may make you want to drop it, which is extremely valid. Season 1 is rough but interesting, Season 2 and 5 are the best, Season 3 is pretty good, Season 4 and 7 skippable, and Season 6 is........epic highs, epic lows......

[ckmstudies]

September 7th:

One of these days I'm going to make a plan and actually stick to it. Today was not that day. In a perfect world, I would have finished module seven, reviewed it, and taken a practice exam on it. Instead I spent two hours working through half the multiple choice questions and then stopped. I meant to pick it back up and finish the questions but I wasn't able to bring myself to. By this time next week I need to be done leaning new material and need to be reviewing but I've still got two whole sections to do after this section. I need to find a way to study more each day instead of mindlessly scroll on my phone. But when I take a break I cannot get myself back studying again. Not sure what needs to be done other than practicing self control more :/

Today's accounting topic: There are obvious negatives of selling less product than planned, such as not making as much profit, but you also have the benefit of having spent less on variable costs such as materials and labor.

Other activity: I did do two very adult like things today. I planed all my travel to my company's orientation in October and I went to the bank to make sure my bank account is completely set up for when I move out and need to start buying furniture and paying my apartment's rent since. Its crazy to me that I'll be moving out in just over a week but another reason I didn't get anymore work done was because I was planning out my furniture for my apartment all night.

[blueesnow]

(4/6) Mikado Nagi's Private Story [Utapri Live Emotion]

Ch 1: (unlocked if you reached intimacy lvl 6 with Nagi)

-Hotel Lobby- Haruka: (Looks like there's still some time left before the new program's production presentation begin…guess I'll just wait here and look at the materials) Haruka: (Its content is educational variety and one of the main MC is--) Nagi: …Wah!! Haruka: Eh, Nagi-kun? …Kya! Nagi: Hey! If you keep that up, you'll fall…! - Nagi: ….Sigh, that was dangerous. Geez, why are you so clumsy? - Nagi: No matter how you look at it, you acted way too surprised just because I called you from behind. Even though you were supposed to be a working adult, that was so pathetic. Nagi: And to think that I took time to call you out. If you were somehow to fall just now that would make me look like I'm the bad guy, yknow? Haruka: Fufu, I'm sorry. Thank you for helping me out. Haruka: I came here at the invitation from a producer that I know, and by chance I was just about to go and greet Nagi-kun. Nagi: Hmm~? So you were looking for Nagi. But, if you think just normal greeting works on me then you're wrong! Nagi: There has to be something more that you need to say to me, right? Can you give me words that will make Nagi happy? Haruka: Yes! To think that you were selected as one of the main MC, that's so amazing. Congratulations…! Nagi: Why of course, it's Nagi after all! Educational program fits exactly for a genius like me♪ Nagi: With an incredibly cute MC such as me, there's no doubt that I'll make everyone smile in front of the TV☆

Ch 2: (unlocked if you reached intimacy lvl 11 with Nagi)

-Hotel Lobby- Nagi: That's the news site, and over there is the TV crew. Looks like there's a lot of media assembled here. Nagi: If it's like this then that means I can show a lot of people to a cutie Nagi. Make sure you also check me out too okay! Haruka: I'm looking forward to it! The starting time starts soon right… Nagi: Somehow people over there are quite in a hurry~? …Staff-san, is there something wrong? Nagi: Eh… The host announcer can't come? Isn't that a pretty bad situation? Haruka: That's right. Even if we managed to find a substitute, we have to at least delay the start time… Nagi: There's no need to do that. We also don't have to go search for a replacement. Who do you think is standing in front of everyone right now? Nagi: It's Mikado Nagi, the cutest and most genius in the universe! Leave the hosting to me, I'll do it in a flash. Haruka: (Certainly… Nagi-kun will be able to do it right away. But as expected, it's difficult to host without any preparations.) Haruka: (If I could somehow prepare something in this remaining time… Ah, those materials over there…) (choices) <I found the script> Haruka: I found the host's script. Here it is. Nagi: Nagi is perfectly fine even if he doesn't look at it though~? But, well, I should at least give my thanks to you. Thank you. Nagi: The MC's talk, explanation of the program content, Q&A session… looks it all went pretty much just as planned. <Sound and lighting instructions!> Haruka: Here is the sound and lighting instructions! If there's anything that needs to be changed, let me know and I'll pass that to the other staffs. Nagi: Heh~ That's very thoughtful of you. Since Nagi will be doing both the performing and hosting duties, we need to make him stand out even more. Nagi: For the BGM… can I ask you to play it during this timing? Also, put the pin spotlight on Nagi over here! (back to story) Nagi: Yup, it's all perfect! No one ever expects me to be the host, so it's going to be a fun surprise to everyone. Nagi: Make sure to pay attention on me okay, Haruka. That camera over there and this camera right here, Nagi will take them all!

Ch 3: (unlocked if you reached intimacy lvl 21 with Nagi)

-Hotel Lobby- Nagi: Hi everyone~ Thank you for joining us! Nagi will be your special host for today☆ Nagi: Fufu, were you surprised~? Then the surprise was a huge success! I hope you can keep your eyes upon Nagi's brilliant performance, okay. Nagi: Now then without further ado, let me introduce you to the members who will be helping me here together to make this show even more exciting. Let's give them a big round of applause♪ Haruka: (Amazing… While he manages to deliver words that needs to be conveyed, he also livens up the atmosphere with Nagi-kun's usual way of speaking) Haruka: (To think that he was able to easily handle the role of a host on such a short notice, Nagi-kun, you're so amazing…!) - Nagi: And that's all for the production presentation. Please look forward to it until the broadcast date, okay! Bye-bye~☆ - Haruka: Nagi-kun, thank you for all of your hard work! I was very impressed with how amazing you handle your role as the announcer host, I even forgot that you're supposed to just be a sudden substitute…! Nagi: Geez~ You're exaggerating a lot. But well, I knew how you feel. I mean, it turned out to be more than perfect after all☆ Nagi: Getting a perfect 100 score is a given. But the one who manages to get a result of 120 score is Nagi! Haruka: All of the staff members around were also grateful to Nagi-kun, you know. Nagi: I only did it because it would be a problem for me if the time was delayed. It's a new program after all, so you have to make a good first impression. Nagi: But, thanks to Nagi's brilliant way as a host, all of the expectations have risen. There's no doubt that this program will sure be a big hit♪ Haruka: Yes! I can't wait for the broadcast date either. Nagi: If that's the case, then why don't you go and check out during our recording later? You're probably curious how Nagi being an ultra cute MC, right! Nagi: This is not all that I have in store. I'll show you more just how charming Nagi is☆

Ch 4: (unlocked if you reached intimacy lvl 31 with Nagi)

-Photographic Studio- Haruka: …And done. After that… Eh? The one standing there, isn't that… Nagi-kun! Nagi: Hm…Haruka? What, I didn't knew you were also in this studio too. Nagi: Looking at you now… It looks like you've just finished saying goodbye to all of the people involved, and was on your way going home…I guess? Haruka: Eh… Wow, you're amazing! How did you knew all that? Nagi: Looking at the jacket that you were about to put on, plus the pass that you're holding in your hands. It was all obvious☆ Nagi: Hey, if you're free after this then come with me. There's a cafe nearby that I want to check out. Haruka: Wow, that looks fun. But, are you really okay going with me? I don't know whether Nagi will enjoy it or not… Nagi: Geez~ Nagi's the one who's inviting you, so of course it's perfectly okay☆ Nagi: Stop worrying about unnecessary things. As long as you're with me, that's more than enough. Nagi: Come on, stop hesitating. Let's go! - Haruka: This… isn't this a cafe that's currently trending on social media right now. Nagi: That's right! I heard that they also served cute foods and drinks too. So I wanted to come here for at least once. The menu is… Nagi: What will you order? With so many options here, it's hard to choose right! Nagi: Whoa… this, isn't this very lovely? This one is colorful. Oh, they also have one with Nagi's color too! Nagi: Hmmm, each one of them is cute but… Maybe I'll order the pancake. Ah, this one…!

Ch 5: (unlocked if you reached intimacy lvl 41 with Nagi)

Ch 6: (unlocked if you reached intimacy lvl 51 with Nagi)

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, sorry to write again I truly do not know how to solve this. I'll be as clear and direct as much as I can this time. I'm carrying a burden and I don't know how to get rid of it. I feel like I don't have permission to be happy, enjoy my life and have experiences with other people because as I said, I feel this invisible pressure from my mother not allowing it and being disappointed by me. I don't think she'll be able to do much if I break free, but:

Being in a hostile home and environment with her around would put me in an even worse mood

Everytime I get the urge to enjoy myself and try new things an impulse inside me prohibits me from doing it anyway, telling me: “You are not allowed”. It's an automatic reflex, I struggle to break free from it because it's so overwhelming and oppressive. I do not know what it is. I know that after this I end up judging and berating people who enjoy and live their lives as a means to “defend” myself. I feel bad because others are allowed to live a normal and fulfilling life (especially on an emotional level) and I'm not.

What is going on with me? How do I solve this? How do I deal with my mother? How can I get rid of this weight I'm carrying? I think I put too much on your plate before, so I'm fine with getting an answer only to these these questions if possible, as it's the matter I care about the most and I'm having the most trouble sorting out. Thanks.

---------------------

It is a fact that your upbringing was not supportive of your ego development. If you truly want to resolve this issue, the first thing you have to do is stop wasting your time and energy on unproductive things like blame, projection, self-pity, or self-dramatization. Unproductive psychological activities keep you trapped in negativity. The more time you spend doing them, the more they drain your energy away, like a black hole.

In short, what this means is, you have a choice to make in every second of your life: Do you choose to devote your mental energy to the positive or the negative? You can't have it both ways. Your mental energy is finite. You can't indulge the negative and then expect to have tons of energy available for doing positive things.

Yes, you are indeed "childish" but not in the way you mentioned before. Your childishness is found in two important elements of your psychology:

1) Lagging Ego Development: Like a child, you are still motivated by the approval and disapproval of authority figures. Since you see yourself as being so small, everyone around you becomes a threatening authority figure.

It is a natural part of human socialization for children to learn the customs, norms, and values of their surrounding society in order to become a productive member. This often means deferring to authority figures in order to facilitate fitting in. However, when a person is still overly preoccupied with fitting in as an adult, they are no longer learning how to socialize in a healthy way but veering into unhealthy conformity, i.e., repressing or sacrificing the true self.

How to resolve this? At some point, it is necessary to grow up into an adult. To be an adult is to exercise your intellect, your will, your needs, your preferences, your beliefs and values, and your prerogative, in order to strike the right balance between honoring yourself and your social obligations. Adults don't need to ask for permission to live; they simply exercise their innate power.

The invisible weight you feel is not really your mother. You have internalized her values to the point where your own voice got silenced, which is usually an indication of Fe overindulgence in INFJs. You were not encouraged and even discouraged from growing as a person. This isn't your fault. However, you are no longer a helpless child. It is now your responsibility as a self-aware adult with the capacity to learn and grow to rejoin the path of growth, through speaking up, standing up, and asserting your adult independence. If you choose not to, you don't get to blame anyone but yourself for staying stuck in childishness.

2) Lagging Moral Development: Young children have a very superficial understanding of morality and are primarily driven by simple pain and pleasure, reward and punishment. They don't stop their bad behavior because they truly understand why it's morally wrong, rather, they only stop because they want to avoid the pain and shame of parental disapproval. They rely on those in power to dictate what is right or wrong because they don't yet have the intellectual capacity to evaluate complex moral issues on their own.

When an adult still holds the moral perspective of a child, they are easily manipulated and exploited by anyone because they simply believe everything they're told. How to resolve this problem? I already stated it: Improve your reasoning skills so that you are able to think for yourself and make good moral judgments on your own.

An important aspect of becoming an adult is learning the knowledge and skills you need to get through life with faith in yourself and confidence in your abilities. Since you have chosen to isolate yourself from the world, you have basically given up every opportunity to develop your potential, and this leads to low self-esteem and low self-worth. You must reverse the process of making yourself small and finally do what it takes to build yourself up, out in the real world.

.

I don't tell people how to make decisions in life, so I can't tell you what to do about your mom. The point is that, being an independent adult, you have to be the one to set the direction and find the best path forward. I can only tell you that the best path forward is always based on care and love. It should not be driven by negative things such as pettiness, blame, resentment, anger, or hate.

The issues you raise aren't uncommon for INFJs or even the general population. The topics of ego development, moral development, auxiliary Fe development, independence, critical thinking, boundaries, self-esteem, the negative effects of abuse, etc, have already been covered in previous articles.

[o-uncle-newt]

Cabin Pressure Advent Day 13: Molokai

(Or shall I say, for some reason, Moloquai?)

It's always fun to listen to a holiday episode during the holidays! By which I mean Chanukah, of course (I listened to Molokai on an hour-plus car trip between two Chanukah parties). Now, as someone who is not a Christmas person I always judge a Christmas episode by how well I'm able to enjoy it despite not being a Christmas person. For the record, most episodes pass pretty easily. But Molokai is an interesting one, because it passes despite being very, very, very Christmassy.

Why does it pass? Well, first of all, it helps that it's on a British show, which means that some stuff I genuinely can't tell whether it's a Christmas thing I don't know about or a British thing I don't know about (what the hell is a sugar mouse?), and the latter is something I basically have to be okay with to listen to the rest of Cabin Pressure to begin with (I'm still not sure what a Wimpy is over a decade after first listening to this episode, after all). So it's just kind of immersing in another culture, except it's really two cultures, English culture and Christmas culture (as, of course, epitomized by The Auspicious Pig and Whistle of Tokyo).

The second (and bear with me, it gets a bit involved) is that it might be very specifically about Christmas, but it's also just about happiness, community, and, best of all for me, ritual and the way that that can make holidays even better. To a certain extent, that's something that I know is subjective- I grew up in a religious culture which values religious and holiday ritual very strongly, and so that's something that I'll always find to be meaningful, even if sometimes that comes from creating your own meaning or emphasizing the parts that mean most for you. But at the same time- lots of the "ritual" that I prize on various holidays isn't religious at all, but just the product of family tradition in ways that bring us all together. Particularly as an adult, I've found that holidays make only as much of an impact as you WANT them to- and including ritual makes that impact stronger, because it forces you to DO something that separates this day from other days, and that, incidentally, keeps you busy and absorbed.

It's why I found Martin's disliking Christmas in this episode, only to get really into it when it comes to creating the rituals of Christmas for Arthur, so interesting. I don't recall any real REASON being given for Martin disliking Christmas- it could be an affectation along the lines of Arthur's attempt at sounding grown-up by calling Christmas over-commercialized, but it sounds more like, as an adult living in shitty circumstances (we don't really KNOW what kind of shitty circumstances yet because we haven't heard Qikiqtarjuaq yet, but still) who isn't super close with his family and for whom any Christmas he has, he'll have to make for himself, he doesn't have much reason to like it! What, indeed, WOULD make Christmas different than a typical day for him? But as soon as he's given a reason to cling to the trappings and rituals of Christmas, he gets into it, and I really do love that.

Now of course, Arthur is really the poster child for the whole above concept. But- I was going to say that that's almost too obvious, but that's not really it. It's that Arthur is the one who does this ALL THE TIME. We know already that he's the heart of this show, and what it seems to really come down to is that a large part of that is creating a life around rituals or practices that bring joy. On the most basic level we have that list of events and holidays that he likes, all of which are defined by ritual in some way (I admit to not knowing much about Lent). But I think it goes beyond that- first of all, he CREATES ritual: while it's unclear who exactly invented the name Birling Day, he's the first one to use it in Edinburgh and he's the one who creates a "Happy Birling Day" song in Paris. Even more than that, though, we know his life philosophy from Fitton- create meaning and happiness from things that you DO (sinking into a bath at just the right temperature) rather than from things that happen to you (happening to be in the moonlight with the love of your life). In so many ways, that's what ritual is- rather than treating a time of year or a life cycle event as a thing that happens to you, you create your own meaning through your own actions. You're active and in control of your own joy.

So anyway, all this to say, Molokai continues the Arthurian tradition of Cabin Pressure which is that we have power over our joy by creating and expressing it, and just so happens to apply it to Christmas as a specific example. Gah. I have no idea if that makes sense written out- it does in my head.

And I've barely gotten to the actual episode!

One thing I'd forgotten til I turned it on- Molokai is the first post-Sherlock episode to be recorded. I'd heard a lot from people that the laughter gets louder as a result, which leads to the show seeming funnier as you laugh with the audience. I was skeptical- and I was SORT OF wrong. I do think that the show gets funnier in no small part because JF becomes a better and better writer, but at the same time... the laughter DEFINITELY gets louder. Oh my gosh. I'm not sure how I'd never noticed it. Like, it's loud in Limerick, but this is another level. And what's nice is you can kind of hear the actors feeding off the crowd energy, which is yet a third reason why S3-4 might seem even better.

(On that note, I don't know how much JF pre-planned his rendition of Get Dressed, but it is note perfect. It would have just been normal-funny if he'd sung it, but the Chri-i-i-i-i-stmas/Chri-hi-hi-hi-hi-hi-histmas Days took it up another level. Kudos to him- and his "you'd better not pout, you'd better not cry" is just as great. Incidentally, as a non-Christmas celebrator I didn't get that joke until way later, but his performance is so funny that honestly it didn't matter.)

Of the two plot lines (each with its own set of Chekhov's Guns) in this episode, I vastly preferred the Secret Santa plot. Not that there's anything wrong with the Mr Alyakhin plot- but the resolution, however clever, is just a LITTLE bit too unlikely and over the top. Which, again, sounds weird to say about Cabin Pressure, a show where in a few episodes they'll be dragging a piano to a pub in Devon, but I do still believe that it's all about proportionality- a crazy antagonist justifies a crazy resolution, and this resolution was just a trifle too crazy for the antagonist (and relies a little too much on him missing some major red flags). But it genuinely doesn't matter, because it's still hilarious and sweet, and ends on just the right outrageous note- in particular, the note in Roger Allam's voice (playing to the audience beautifully) as, after an almost-too-long pause, he says "mulled it." Just beautiful- all of the setup and the pitch-perfect payoff.

There's probably other stuff, but please excuse me, I have some latkes to eat. Tomorrow, we're off to Newcastle, one that I haven't listened to in AGES- and I'm dying to know what I'll think!

[celestialiron]

Echoes of Courage: Chapter 1

After much consideration (asking from you guys here!) & my best friends also telling me to "stop being a little bitch & post it!" (with all of their love lol) I'm going to be updating my story here too! I posted the link to the prologue since it ties in with the story too! I'll still be posting chapters to my AO3 for my story too, it'll be paused until I catch up to both here & AO3! Finally, it's my OCs time to shine!

But without further adieu, here's chapter 1 of my story!

WARNING: Everyone in the story are all adults (unless there's a flashback then I will mention it)! As well as a lot of harsh language, suggestive themes, violent scenes, and other triggering moments that will progress throughout the story (which will also be warned beforehand). So minors & TCEST shippers, DNI. Please be respectful of not only myself & my story, but also of each other. Be kind to one another.

Summary: This is a story of love, lost, family, friends and trying to get a hold of everything being thrown at them. This will be a tale for the people involved, but with the help of loved ones and getting to trust one another, they're hoping that everything will be put to an end once and for all...

The day started like any other Friday for a senior college student: stressed and tired. Izra Montague sure knew how to handle it, especially with all the classes as a senior music student who took so many credits to graduate on time with her college friends and start up her career. ‘Oh lord, it’ll be from today, 2 weeks until graduation and I don’t even know what to do for it,’ thought Izra, arm over her eyes as she lay in her bed, mind still blown as she found out she’s able to walk and graduate on time and hadn’t even thought of anything to do for herself. The amount of graduation parties from her close college friends were able to help her decide if she even wanted one or not, but still going to theirs. Deciding to do something more productive, Izra sat up from her bed, checked the time to see if she had enough time to make something to eat before her class. The clock read 12:00pm , to which she proceeded to get something quick to eat before her class. While getting dressed, deciding to wear dark blue jeans with regular van shoes with a plain black strapped shirt, wearing a flannel over it, Izra checked her phone for any messages from school, friends, whichever she can see first. The first thing she read was from the group chat with her friends April O’Neil and the Hamato brothers. Smiling while reading the text messages, Izra groaned as the group continued to ask whether she was going to have a graduation party or not. 

LoserLeo: can you please make up your mind for once, Izz-Bizz? This will only happen once in a lifetime if we don’t celebrate your day! :( 

Don-Bot: I mean if we really want to be technical-

Razz_Mikey: yeah, what Leo said! WE’LL PLAN EVERYTHING LIKE WE DID FOR APRIL’S GRAD PARTY

April’sNews: Well, let’s double think about that now, ESPECIALLY from that grad party :o

BigBearRaphie: I agree, we don’t want a repeat of certain people getting so drunk they don’t even remember they were calling their boyfriend, RIGHT LEO?

LoserLeo: HEY, WE AGREED TO NEVER SPEAK OF THAT OR MY EX!

Laughing at the last message that was sent in the chat, Izra started typing out her response, hoping it’ll calm the fire that will be set to burn someone soon. With the last message sent, Izra left her place and went off to class.

MysteryIzzie: thank you for bringing it up, I thought I was going to be the one to do the job, but thanks Raph! xD

MysteryIzzie: BUUUUUUT I will let you guys know AT LEAST an idea soon, I promise you all that! :) I’ll talk to you guys later, gonna head to class!

Meanwhile, the four Hamato brothers were up at the lair, all sitting in the projection room trying to plan what to do for their friend. “I mean, how bad would it be if we planned something soooort of similar to what we did for April’s party?” Leo suggested, trying to at least get the ball rolling if Izra was going to be indecisive. All three brothers glared at Leo, Donnie speaking up, “out of the question! We’re not going to be dealing with any repercussions to your dum-dum exes or booty calls if you get too drunk again and start making calls!” Glaring at him, Leo tried to say something (most likely the lines of ‘ it won’t and you guys need to stop bringing it up!’ ) Mikey exclaimed, very excitedly, “WE CAN DO A HUGE GROUP PARTY!” looking over at Mikey, who suddenly brought in a white board (most likely taken from Donnie’s lab, to which he was not too happy about), and started planning out ideas. “We don’t necessarily need to do single parties for everyone, when we can just combine it for everyone to enjoy! And this will be good for Izzie to meet more people than just her college friends, April, and us!” Once finishing up what he was writing, he showed a very large timeline of various names and in the middle read * PARTY* in huge letters and circled multiple times following it. Looking at the board, Raph was the one to speak first, “well, while this is nice and all Mikey, don't you think they should all at least, I don't know, meet each other first? Like what April did before? Also, Alexis can’t come that Saturday, she starts her new job soon and always has Saturdays to work.” A little saddened by the news, Raph gave Mikey a reassuring pat on the shoulders, smiling while staying positive for him, “you know she’ll want us to have it anyways bud, besides what you got going looks great!” With a nod, they all continued on, deciding who could come and who couldn’t come.

While figuring it out, with now the help from April who came over about an hour after they were still planning it out. It seemed perfect, however a couple of them were still a bit on the defensive side on whether Izra should meet with these other people earlier or not. “I’m just saying, we all know how Val is, I think it should be a first meeting at least with her of all people!” Leo exclaimed, already knowing how one of his other best friends was going to react to meeting new people, especially those she really didn’t know. Groaning in agreement, April dejected, “hey, maybe this will be a good exercise for her too! She’s got to be better at meeting new people! ALSO CONTROL ONE OF YOUR SUPPOSED “BESTIE” THEN LEO!” “Awe Apes, no one could replace youuuu!” Leo said, trying to get April to hug him, knowing she was joking about the last bit. Rolling his eyes, Donnie brought up a good point to them all, “well, as you should know too, Kira, Ruka and Valeria are long time friends so if anyone should also be able to “handle” her, it’s the both of them too. Especially since Ruka was nice enough to agree to this idea in the first place.” Nodding their heads in agreement, Leo smirked, deciding to mess with his twin, “awe see, they’re not even together and he still chooses Kira over us,” was said while chuckling, Raph and Mikey joining him about Donnie’s very much obvious crush on Kira while April sighed, patting Donnie’s battle-shell before letting him decide if he should kill his brothers or not. “You better sleep with one eye open Nardo, I know just how to mix specific herbal flowers with tea. You can thank Kira for that too,” Donnie growled, going on the defense about Kira (absolutely trying to block out his feelings at the moment). Making Leo swallow his saliva quietly before returning to the board, “ any-who , so it looks like we got ourselves the final people who could actually make it! Now the next step: asking them if they could or not,” with that in mind, all 5 were on the mission to get everyone ready to meet each other for the first time in such a huge setting.

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Later that day, Izra was heading out to a coffee shop before meeting up with April and the guys, needing some caffeine after the day of classes, glad it was the weekend to spend a break with friends. ‘Man, I can’t wait to hear what the guys had planned, almost had to turn off my phone so I wouldn’t get distracted in class.” Thought Izra, while waiting on her mocha frappe from the cafe she loved coming to since she started school. Thanking the cashier for the drink, she started to head out, deciding to sit at one of the tables that just sits closely by the cafe to catch up on missed messages and any assignments to work on. While mindlessly scrolling through her phone, Izra wasn’t made aware of someone looking at her, almost as if they were having whiplash at who she was. Before long, Izra heard someone call her name.

“Izra? Izra Montague?”

Stopping dead in her tracks from what she was doing on her phone, Izra froze, ‘Oh my god, is that…?’ she thought as she turned around to face who was calling to her. There stood a woman her age, about a height taller than Izra, a light caramel tan to her skin, her long brown curled hair up in a bun, wearing black leggings with gray flats and a plain grayish white shirt with a loose black cardigan to go with the outfit. Apparently, she had also ordered coffee from the same cafe, to Izra’s surprise that she didn’t even notice her there.

“Ruka? Is that really you?” Izra asked, wanting to pinch herself believing it was all a dream and she would wake up from it eventually. “Yeah, it’s really me…” Ruka answered, also seeming a bit hesitant on asking her the same question. “Am I dreaming or am I actually seeing you, Izzie?” She ended up asking, also wanting to believe that Izra was here and not stuck somewhere else and far from home. Tearfully, Izra got up from her chair, fully facing Ruka, smiling as bright as one can, “yes, I’m here… I’m the real thing, unfortunately,“ she laughed as Ruka covered her mouth from shock, tears slowly rolling down her cheeks as she smiled, running up to her long-time friend for a tight hug, as Izra gave her an equal amount of hugging too. They both stood there hugging for about 10 minutes, not wanting to let go as if either one would disappear from each other, letting people walk past them without a care in the world. Slowly they let go, very happy to have found each other again, Izra was the first to speak, “I would’ve never guessed for you to be living here ma’am! How long have you been here?! Who else is here?! Did you come here alone?! What happened-” before she could continue her questioning, Ruka stopped her before anymore was said, “I didn’t think so either, but if you have some time, we can catch up here, if you want to…” she asked hesitantly, thinking back to the old days and remembering what had happened back home. Noticing her hesitation, Izra paused, feeling a bit guilty about the things that happened back then, but she isn’t who she was back when she left home, not anymore. 

“Of course I have time! I understand why you would ask though. Natalie almost couldn’t believe it either…” she started, staying a bit quiet before continuing, “listen, I’m sorry for what I said, what I did back home. I never intended to make ANY of you feel that way or the words that were spoken that day too, I was angry at the world, mainly myself really…” Izra looked to the side, not feeling confident about looking at her best friend at the moment. “I know it doesn’t excuse what I did, but I want you to know how guilty I’ve felt ever since and I worked hard to find myself again and then-” before she can continue on with her apologies, Ruka hugged her again, squeezing tightly, giving Izra reassurance, “I know you are. I know you felt guilty about it, we wouldn’t be best friends if I didn’t know you like the back of my hand.” She said, letting go for a bit to look at Izra, already knowing her best friend has well improved since her days away from home. “I already forgave you. We ALL have.” Ruka squeezed her shoulders, once again reassuring Izra everything is okay, “let’s continue this conversation sitting, as much as standing around is nice, I’ve been walking around all day and I need a break,” she said, both woman giggling while sitting back down to where Izra had just been, finally getting a chance to talk about everything .

Once the time hit 5 in the afternoon time, both Izra and Ruka were still on the table chatting away, happy to catch up on times they’ve both missed out on. In the midst of their conversation, Izra got a text from April, giving her details about the now planned graduation party they got going for her, except now it turned into a huge one since her other friends/co-workers are also invited, apparently also graduating from school too. With a sigh, Izra put the dates on her phone, seeing multiple events coming up after graduation. “Whoa, that sigh usually means you’re nervous and stressed. What’s the problem?” Ruka asked, already sensing her friend’s stress from across the tables. Sighing again, groaning in the process, Izra explained, “so, remember how I told you I’m graduating? One of my friends and her brothers are planning this huge graduation party but it’s the same day you asked me to come over for Kira’s and Val’s graduation/ceremony party too, which even after that is when I’ll actually catch a break from everything, LITERALLY.” With that said, Izra laid her head on the table, coffee long gone and now stressing about what to do for the issues she had going on. Laughing softly, Ruka patted her head, hoping to help her friend out in any way possible, “so how about this, you asked them what time it starts and whatever time they pick, you can meet us earlier. Think that’ll be fine with them?” Sitting up, Izra looked to Ruka as if she had just grown wings and was an angel sent above, “oh my god, yes that’s genius! I’ll ask when I see them later tonight!” Getting out of the chair, she ran towards Ruka, hugging her while tearfully thanking her, “I missed you so much, no one would’ve gotten it except you. Should’ve tried to find me sooner bitch!” Ruka laughing while hugging her back. Also getting up and throwing away their empty cups, they both stood still, not wanting either one to leave back to their places. 

“So, wanna walk together until we actually have to go back to our places?” Izra shyly asked, not wanting the great time the two just shared together. Smiling softly, Ruka agreed, both continuing the conversation they had on their way back. Once reaching the subway station, Ruka finally asked what had been on her mind, almost hesitating on asking in general “so since you’ve seen Natalie, have you seen Alexis yet?” Hearing the question, it took Izra about a couple of minutes to respond, smiling softly, which surprised Ruka, “yeah, I saw her too. It was Natalie’s idea for us to meet again and oh boy did I get an earful.” Closing her eyes, remembering seeing Alexis for the first time in what felt like forever, but it had only been about two and a half years since seeing each other from home. Opening her eyes, they both went inside the subway cart, as she continued on, “it was brutal, which I understood from her point too. I let her have the moment she deserved, it wasn’t fair what I did to her too,” looking out to where each station was then down to her hands, “but in the end, she did the same thing like what you did. Forgave me.” She sighed, nervously twiddling her fingers, “forgiving me for leaving and not even letting anyone know I was okay. Though it was hard, in the end, the three of us hugged it out, while Fred was waiting for us too, giving me the biggest hug while calling me a loser in the process.” Both chuckled, Izra remembering fondly how her brother-in-law had taken upon himself, while using their cat Aria, to bicker like they used to back home.

Realizing she was almost close to her place, Ruka stood up to get ready to leave, taking Izra’s phone in the process. Confused, Izra waited until Ruka was done, realizing that she was putting her phone number in her phone. “Here, since you apparently upgraded your phone, I added mine again since I also got a new phone just recently.” Happy with the number, Izra exclaimed to Ruka, “I feel so honored. Before you forget, send me your address so I know where to go for whenever you’re not too busy with anything!” Once more, they both shared a hug, letting Ruka leave the cart to head to her house while Izra waits for the next stop to see April and the guys. Getting up, ready to leave from the next stop, she heard her phone ring, signaling a text message was sent to her. Once the subway stopped, Izra stepped off, walking towards the direction of the brother’s home, checking her phone for whoever sent her a text message. Smiling even more, realizing it was from Ruka, all the message read was:

Ruka: I’m really glad I saw you today. Something in me felt like I was going to run into someone & it turned out to be you :) I know it sounds cheesy, but I guess the spirits knew what they were doing apparently lol

Ruka: Also, I didn’t get the chance to say it when we were talking, but I’m proud of you. You look like yourself again & that’s what's most important. I know it must’ve been hard to learn to forgive yourself on your own, but as always, what happened wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t any of our faults. Everyone is going to be happy and proud of you when they see you again too sweetie! I just know it! <3

Having to stop to finish reading what she sent, Izra almost started crying right there on the spot. Wiping away the pre-tears that threaten to come out, she didn’t realize that Leo and April were on their way to get her, but stopped once they saw Izra fully stopped from walking, almost on the verge of tears. Looking at each other concerningly, having not seen her that way in a long while, walking slowly, with April speaking softly, not wanting to make matters worse, “hey, you okay? Do we have to go beat up someone? Or make a professor cry?” After that was said, Leo spoke up, “making a professor cry? I’ll go get Donnie,” turning around to make his move, before getting stopped by Izra, shaking her head smiling. “Guys, I promise you I’m okay. These are happy almost tears,” Izra said, looking at the two, happy that they were concerned about her wellbeing. 

Making the quick decision to move on before much else was said, the three started making their way over to the projection room where everyone else was. Izra spoke before the two could question her, “do you guys remembered how I mentioned my friends from home? How I thought they couldn’t ever forgive me for leaving?” Confused, but the two nodded in agreement, remembering about a year and a half ago where they had comforted her that day from her guilt and depression. Smiling, she continued, “well, after so long, I ran into one of them from the café I go to before coming over. That’s why I was running a bit late tonight,” she finished, looking down to the ground while continuing their walk over. Surprised by what she just said, Leo was surprisingly the first one to ask, “what happened? I’m going to assume you both reconnected your friendship again seeing from your reaction not 10 minutes ago,” chuckling, Izra nodded her head, looking over at the two, making them stop walking to listen to what she had to say.

“It was…… Amazing. I knew you guys were right from the start that they were going to forgive me, but hearing it today from her felt….. Wonderful. We caught up on so much, we lost track of time, which also leads me to what I need help from you both too,” Squinting his eyes and before he could get a word in, April interrupted, “oh boy, what do you need help with?” She questioned, having the feeling that Izra was going to request anything from them. Hesitantly, Izra started, “well you see, she invited me to her home the day that it’s done being renovated, just a couple of more things to be done to the house and it’ll be complete!” It then turned into rambling, “the only problem is that the day it’ll be done is the day we have my graduation party with your coworkers too and it’s going to be my old friends from home, so we were going to meet up earlier before the party time start and they’re also busy with something else too, but if there was anything else that needed to be done earlier than I’ll gladly help if you guys need me and-” before the rambling could get any worse than it already was, April stopped her, putting both her hands on both shoulders, saving the three of them time and energy from it all. 

“Girl, relax! I’m just happy you’re reuniting with your friends from home! I’m sure the rest of them will understand, well at least Donnie and Raph yes, Mikey however…” April hesitated, thinking about it clearly until Leo joined in, easing both their worries, “don’t worry about Angelo, mis amigas ,” Izra rolled her eyes at that, “I’ll sweeten the deal if it goes awol, but I’m pretty sure he’ll understand for the most part too. Just as long as you could help me with any of them too, guy or gal, y’know how I roll” Leo finished, a quick wink with a smile on his face too, evident that he too was happy for his close friend, going to be seeing her childhood friends again soon. Smiling brightly, happy for the help and support from her close friends, Izra hugged them both. Letting go afterwards, she gave Leo a good smack upside the head, exclaiming how she “was not going to set him up with any of them, no matter what he says!” 

Laughing on the way to where the rest of the Hamato family was, Izra finally felt like she could take on anything now. Especially with the return of her old friends, being with new friends, and hoping both worlds would get along just fine, maybe even be much more closer like she was with April and the brothers. ‘Oh yeah, I think it’s going to be great. I have a good feeling about this,’ thought Izra, before reaching the room to explain her situation, excited to get everyone on board.

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(Prologue: Current: Ch.2)

[doktorpeace]

The Great All Generation Nuzlocks Roundup

This is gonna be long and have multiple parts thanks to the image limit on posts. Each game will be headlined by their title in Bold Print so if you're only interested in certain games it'll be easy to filter through. These notes will also only be on the Successful Run of each game. I'll note how many times I wiped in each game, but largely won't mention those runs for sake of relative brevity.

All runs were performed with the following rules - Only One Encounter Per Route/Zone/Area/Cave [Unique Names Denote Separate Areas] No Duplicate Encounters No Using Items In Battle No In-Game Trades No Overleveling the next Gym Leader or Major Boss Purchased/Gift Pokemon Are Allowed (Though there is only one case where I use one) but count as your encounter for that Area. No Use Of 'Affection' Based Mechanics.

RED - Kanto is a genuine joy to Nuzlocke for a few reasons. It's quick to get going, most early game Pokemon are quite strong (Ratticate, Primeape, Nidoking/queen, and Fearow are all genuinely incredible encounters), and it has probably the most balanced set of starters overall with regards to choice. All three have viable reasonings to be picked in the context of a nuzlocke. I, personally, went with Bulbasaur because my primary goal was to Win The Game and not to flex.

Kanto's also great for developing basic skills for nuzlocking. Team building, knowing when to switch, resource/Power Point management, moveset scouting, etc. all go much farther than normal in Kanto thanks to the poor AI and generally weak enemy trainers.

My favorite thing about it, though, and what made it very fun and a great start is that unlike every other region you can 100% assure yourself VERY powerful encounters in the mid and late game, and I don't mean gift Pokemon. There's just so many routes where all the encounters are filler you're 100% going to have out of the way early (Ratata, pidgey, etc.) that it's a surefire thing that you WILL get a Doduo right outside Celadon, for instance. Extending this to the whole region, you can guarantee you get other extremely potent Pokemon like Slowbro, which I did.

My team in this one was a strong Water/Fire/Grass core and otherwise strong goodstufts that compliment one another well. The surprise of this run was definitely Arcanine. I remember as a kid really being underwhelmed with trying to raise a Growlithe and never really getting the hype behind Arcanine outside of a VGC setting. However, I realized as an adult that keeping it a Growlithe until level 50 for flamethrower is Stupid. I immediately evolved that sucker and taught it Dig, which has 100 base power in gen 1. Arcanine was able to coast off of Dig and Body Slam until we beat Blaine and got the Fire Blast TM. It can also learn Reflect in this gen! All in all a stellar team member whose absolutely massive stats right after obtaining at level 19 really let it shine!

I always forget just how absurd the level swing from even just Lorelei to Blue is though. Just an absolute cliff of increase. Thankfully, however, leveling up in Kanto is a non-issue, so I was able to keep pace even while abiding Hardcore Nuzlocke rules. Total Wipes - 0

CRYSTAL - My overall opinion on Johto really hasn't changed at all, lol. It's still suffers a lot from what I'll call 'Fake Nonlinearity'. Like, sure, you CAN go to a lot of places after beating Morty but like...why would you do anything but go Chuck->Jasmine->Pryce and their associated content? It's not like you can meaningfully get strong early since the entire region has a dearth of strong trainers and wild pokemon alike. It's simply not productive to do things outside of the obviously intended order, except perhaps in the context of a Nuzlocke and trying to get some encounters early.

What does give Nuzlocking this region a unique flavor is that the best pokemon in the game, Alakazam, is a 100% ensured encounter assuming you're willing to pass over the free Eevee from Bill, which you should be. For a mere 200 coins at the game corner, you can get an Abra which can immediately be taught all 3 elemental punches on the cheap and raised up. Johto Nuzlockes thus take the form more of building an ensemble cast to support your clear Main Character, rather than building a cohesive team. As a result, Steelix and Machamp greatly stood out for being so dramatically different from Alakazam that they could patch up his few deficiencies.

We faced a setback VERY late and lost our Tauros on Victory Road, leading to the emergency training of Golly the Politoed. He ended up doing almost nothing, but that's true for the entire team besides Pugilist, who swept the entire Elite 4 and Lance unassisted.

It was definitely a fun time and had a very unique flavor compared to other regions. What Johto offers it does offer uniquely, at least.

Total Wipes - 2 (Rival Fight in Azalea Town Gym Leader Morty)

EMERALD - I'm gonna be totally honest. I love Hoenn and I love Gen 3 but I had somehow never actually pushed all the way through Emerald before. I've beaten Sapphire and ORAS each several times, so there was some nice new stuff to me waiting. Emerald is the first game you can play that still feels 'Modern' even without the Phys/Special split. The gameplay design, routes, and everything else just feel much more well realized and iterated upon, which makes sense. Gen 2 was made to capitalize on the Pokemon Craze where Gen 3 was made with the idea of 'Oh, we have a long running thing on our hands.' They worked to impress!

That said, I don't have all that much to say! Emerald is a very Standard Pokemon game and I had a lot of fun with it. I did end up repeating a single pokemon on my endgame team, Gyarados, but most of the run was played without it. I simply blundered a good number of strong encounters away in the midgame and had to fall back on a Pokemon I knew would be strong and could help get me through the Elite 4 and Juan!

This team has a very funny Water/Fire/Grass/Water/Grass core and it's also the first game where I actually EV trained my team on purpose. Thanks to Gen 3's thoughtful encounter design, training up Sp. Attack, HP, Speed, and Defense are all trivial, which greatly helped out. Sunny Day on Ludicolo was specifically to counter Juan, and we NEEDED it too because we lost Gyarados to Drake and Juan got TWO FREEZES in that final battle, so I needed Ludicolo to put in extra work. All in all, this was definitely one of my weaker Final teams, but I partly blame that on my relative unfamiliarity with Emerald's mid and late game. I also simply was not using all the resources at my disposal, which would dramatically change starting with the next game. The big surprise was honestly Electrode, who was a pretty stellar and reliable teammate all through the late and endgame due to fast, strong thunderbolts and screens support.

This game had a nickname theme - Fruits.

Total Wipes - 1 (Gym Leader Brawly)

PLATINUM - If you've followed me long enough you know I've historically been very hard on Gen 4. I do not like Diamond/Pearl and have started and dropped Platinum many times. However, this run I had a genuine joy playing through. Really and truly, playing in this format with the momentum of three runs behind me energized me to see Sinnoh in a new light and I can truly appreciate the dramatic improvements Platinum makes to the region. Most importantly, I've made a new, lifelong friend.

Encountered as a Nosepass at level 14 in Mt.Coronet, Cao Cao was a true champion and help throughout the midgame and into the early late game. Stonewalling tons of trainers, enabling easy captures on lots of encounters, offering free and important switches at critical moments, and just generally being a reliable member of our core duo for most of the game with Rotom Fan...but we lost him at Iron Island in a completely optional double battle... (artist's rendition in the workbench room at my office)

To make matters worse, the teammate we went to Iron Island for, our Scyther so we could evolve her into Scizor, would also be lost shortly before the Elite 4, rendering his loss all the more painful! I knew, for him, we had to carry on and we had to win.

And win we did. My total unfamiliarity with Platinum past the first couple gyms had me doing much more planning and research out of game on upcoming trainers to help ensure a strong run. As a result we lost far less team members than in the past three runs. In particular I was really sweating the encounters with Barry, who is dramatically stronger than previous rivals. But really, we didn't have any noteworthy losses to him.

Platinum is certainly a challenging game in its back quarter but it also really squanders its otherwise quite excellent pacing in the first two thirds or so of the game. After the sixth gym the game gets really long in the tooth and I was just ready for it to be over by the end. Nonetheless, I did have quite a lot of fun and when I play Platinum again in the future I'll definitely do it as a more casual nuzlocke, for fun.

For the vast majority of this run I had a Rotom Fan, Probopass, and Scizor but they were all lost somewhat to VERY late and were replaced with the bottom row. While Whiscash and Porygon 2 stepped right up and were excellent performers, Bronzong was absolutely abysmal and did nothing but provide a single free switch against Cynthia. This run also came closest to dying, with only Crobat surviving the champion battle. (in my heart, however, any team that completes the game all get to go on and I have in fact transferred them into pokemon home, lol) Wuxuan the Crobat was basically my true starter. With me from before the first gym and all the way through to the end. A stellar pokemon. While this run endeared me to many Pokemon I hadn't used in game - or at all - before in Rapidash, Crobat, and Rotom Fan, above them all stands my new true friend, Probopass.

This run was downright cursed when it came to natures, too. Basically every single encounter had a nature that was negative on their most important stat. It was really frustrating, tbh!

This game has the second and final case of a team having a duplicate species of a previous team - Machamp This game has a nickname theme - Romance of the Three Kingdoms

Total Wipes - 0

Post will continue in a Part 2 because of the post image limit.

[r-ene]

day 12/366

spent... 3-4 hours at uni for my subject registration, and in order for me to be able to take all the classes i want and need for this semester so i could end all of my undergraduate classes by november and be able to get my diploma, i still have to wait for awhile for the office of the registrar's feedback on the process my department wants to do to help me with that. it's alright, i've learned to wait patiently during the first semester anyways. what's important is i'm nearing to my end-goal (graduate) !!

while waiting tho, i was able to talk to my clinical instructor and prof for both semesters for 4th yr classes (department head) and i'm really glad and grateful to have such good mentors

my CI gave me tips and cautions for when i start my internship (e.g., if you don't know something, just ask, because it's better to be demerited for being cautious (bc different institutions/hospitals = different standards & protocols) instead of compromising your patient's health and care)

^^ she was also quick to inform me of the first institute i'll be doing my rotation on (bc our rotations consists of adult care, neonatal/pediatrics, mothership and community)

my professor for lectures and research also was quick to say he's very flexible with whatever, because my clinical research 1 would be considered as a "special class" for the sem since what's offered for 2nd semester is clinical research 2

dean, as usual, very helpful. he was the one to settle the discussion on my subjects for the sem and is very willing to talk to office of the registrar's to be able to make things work out for me ♡

overall, it was a productive day despite waiting most of the day:

walked (picked up some fallen flowers while she smelled everything) + fed luna and cleaned her place before i got myself brunch and ready to leave

left together with one of my best friends bc she has her job interview near my first stop

levelled up on my solitaire app while waiting

was able to make it home in time for prayer and worship day 4/7 (traffic was insane, left uni at 430pm and arrived home 710pm)

got stuff printed to aid my review

planned out ideal rough schedule for when i start internship bc i also have solo research and the lectures + luna to take care of, among others

already looked up how to travel from home to my first hospital rotation (there are 2 ways !!)

and so, since i was not able to get coffee within the day, by 9pm i was asleep. woke up at 1130 to eat dinner tho bc havent eaten anything aside from brunch, 2 chocolate bars and a loooooottttt of water (too stubborn to take allergy meds)

also thinking about trying to vlog my process before internship and during and after ?? i kind of want to go through this part of my life where i muscled through but at the same time i feel it would be really hectic

[fracturedporcelaindoll]

Dear diary,

I recently discovered that a pillow I had been wanting has gone on sale as such it's slightly more affordable which means I am pondering purchasing it however.... Some factors to consider ...~

It's a novelty being a dashhound shaped pillow, then the size while perfect for bed is long enough that transporting it in tote or backpack would not be doable~

So then I'd be stuck walking most likely or taking public transportation possibly with it back home and that just draws too much attention, like you'll notice a short person carrying an obviously way bigger item around~

I am not in elementary school so I worry it'd look uncute to others not that matters much but this anxiety and stuff is why I think it's better not to leave home/go outside and socialize~

Ironically it might be better to force socialization to attempt to overcome or better handle anxiety~

Then I've been considering fashion a lot lately, there's the fashion I adore and now that I have freedom to wear what I wish without worrying about school dress codes, it becomes more possible to wear such aesthetics however I am an adult and wearing childish prints no matter how adorable may seem inappropriate~

Classical elegant styles that I adore as well seem suited only for tall flawless model beauties~

At least I know that if I go to the one store they will have high quality products and I'll always be able to find another super soft oversized sweater~

I've been trying to narrow down costume for Halloween but honestly I think of too many options and that's not counting prepackaged costumes versus pieced together ones using variety of clothing options~

I may just skip it after all I haven't been feeling overly social and trick or treaters have lots of options for visiting to get candy~

I could stay in and watch movies instead which will probably be what happens~

I am half tempted to pair down wardrobe again and just invest in several pairs of fuzzy super comfy and cute pajamas sets~

After all if I can avoid socializing more than I don't have to worry about what other people would think because it's just me and comfy soft pajamas are nice~

I've started thinking about trying to write a short story or book with it being a cliche romantic story and writing a character similar to myself as one of leads but I am not really a writer~

Then it's not like some handsome charming man will sweep me off my feet, sure in a fictional world I could create character that likes me partly for the flaws I see in myself but maybe they'd find cute in some way like most romantic cliche troupes go~

I really been craving gingerbread men cookies and considering pumpkin pie since it's that time of season, well almost October is still a bit aways and fall doesn't officially start until the 22nd but the heat just makes me long for the chilly autumn and cold winter that I sooooo desire to have this year~

I am rectangular shaped or so that's what I see in the mirror on the occasion I wear a fitted dress~

Hourglass shapes are obviously attractive maybe rectangular if you're like tall and really thin but not if your short and not so thin~

I recently found out that your waist size should only be half of your height, which means I am failing there too~

I wish I could create my own winter maybe it'd improve my mood though to be fair while sitting by window as snowflakes cover everything with some hot cocoa wrapped in a blanket and wearing a cozy sweater would help some I could just get a little sad that Santa disappears after childhood, well not really but he's only there for children not so much adults which makes sense and all~

Maybe I am just being selfish, it's not like material things matter when considering life and death~

I kinda want to call my dad and be like do you think I am pretty /beautiful because I want that reassurance that I am by hearing him say that but the reality is if I did call and get the nerve to ask he'd laugh and ask me if I was asking because I wanted to hear that I was pretty/beautiful then that it didn't matter what he thinks what matters is what I think of my self, and he's not going to just give me a compliment because I want one as well that there's always room for improvement~

See? So I don't need to talk to him as I can play out what he'd say and he has his own life and doesn't need me taking time away from all the things he has to keep him busy etc~

My mother scares me sometimes, like I thought I'd matured well enough especially the last few years with trying to care for her in a way any therapist would but at the same time, it's like do people always turn out to be their parents? Is it inventable because to be honest, I don't want to be some gloomy depressed always the victim etc that she is~

Of course she has good qualities too, but yeah~

It's not like I didn't have a childhood, I did for a little while then things changed, circumstances etc and I adapted I always thought I handled it pretty okay but it's ridiculous of me to want something back that just can't be~

If school wasn't so expensive and tediously long I'd consider a career as a librarian, sounds nice and cozy or art teacher at an elementary school because that's the most fun when it comes to crafts and art stuff~

Teachers however have so many hoops to jump through and most require you get a minimum of bachelor's with the understanding that you work towards getting your master's then all the state and board exams as well as continuing educational classes to keep up with any changes to education systems etc~

If you read this and leave a like it's appreciated but not expected~

[16-lost-in-a-film-scene]

song is just named

Really? A thief?

What would you do if, on your first day of work ever, you already have to stop a thief from stealing some pop-tarts?ㅤ | ㅤWhere Y/N was just trying to do her job right until some beautifully blonde robber decided to finish her day on an unexpected way.

ㅤ Young!Emma Swan x Young!F!Reader

Y/N had just turned 18, and it was her first day of work at a small store. She wore her uniform ( A beige shirt with the store's name, blank pants and a card with her name ) correctly, she really was excited to finally get into the adult life and be able to move out of her house.

Even though she was new and it was her first day there, they told her that she had to close the store, and because she wanted to make a good impression, she didn't deny the command.

So now, it was night, and she was alone in the store. It gave Y/N shivers because of how creepy the place looked with all the lights off. So she started checking that everything was in place to close up. She was quiet, humming 'Mine' by Taylor Swift while she walked through the hallways of the products.

Y/LN suddenly stopped when she heard some steps, so she stood up her feet, and as quiet as she could, she walked to where this sound came from. There, she found a breathtaking blonde girl, but Y/N had to take the thoughts out of her mind and catch the girl.

— Hey! — She said to the robber to catch her attention and started chasing her when the mysterious girl ran away with a product.

The two of them got into a persecution inside of the small shop for some minutes, it also looked a bit like a hide and seek, except that it was no fun. Finally, Y/N catched the robber and tackled her. Once on top of her, she looked to the thief and confirmed that she was completely beautiful and it wasn't just her hair.

— Really? My first day, and I got to run after a thief. — She said to herself as she slowly got up, still having the girl cornered so she wouldn't try to run. — So... I'm guessing this is the part where I either call the cops or you give me a good reason to turn around and give you fifteen seconds to escape. — She added, and the blonde girl frowned. Why would she let her escape?

– Why would you- – Mysterious-blonde started asking but got cut off by the worker.

— Because all you grabbed was a box of pop-tarts. They're not expensive, so if you had to wait for me to be alone to steal a box of those, it means you really need it... And I'd never say no to help. — The blonde girl looked at her with a small smile at her explanation. — Let's do this : I'll pass the pop-tarts and a water bottle through the cashier and cover it with my salary, okay? — The Y/HC-haired suggested, and the shoplifter nodded, the gratefulness clear in her eyes.

So they walked to the cashier's machine, and Y/N paid for it. After that, the girl immediately ran away, so Y/LN guessed that it was a one-time meeting.

She checked that everything was fine once more and closed the store. When she was out, she took a deep sigh and got scared by the same blonde girl she had helped that night.

‐ Hey! - She said with a happy tone. ‐ I just thought I'd wait for you... And thank you... And introduce myself. ‐ She added as she walked over to her. Swan followed Y/N, not really knowing where they were going. ‐ So... Thank you, I'm Emma Swan, I guess?

The Y/HC-haired smiled and chuckled. — You're welcome, Emma. I'm Y/N Y/LN. — She said softly and extended her hand to shake it with the blonde. — Don't steal again. At least not from me. — She joked as they walked to her place. The silence was comfortable, even though Y/N kept asking herself why Emma kept following her. She had no idea that Swan just didn't want to feel alone again.

Once they arrived at Y/N's place, she gave her a small smile as she leaned in the door. — You can tell me if you ever need help again, you know? You don't need to condemn your life to this. — She said softly and unlocked the door. — Good luck, Emma. — She added as she got in and then closed the door.

Emma stood in front of the door for a few seconds. She would've lied if she said that the moment felt special in some way, like it was destined or a beautiful coincidence.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #195

J's whole lower body is screaming at him from all his running around doing laser tag yesterday, the poor thing. So I used the leftover steak, as well as some eggs, bacon, rice, natto, and the leftover bok choy to make a high-protein breakfast to help J's body recover from yesterday's stress:

I wonder, did you used to get days you worked your body so hard that you either were in pain all day, or you couldn't move at all? Did you take good care of yourself on days like that? Do you get days like that occasionally, still? And do you take care of yourself properly on those days? I wonder...

Shortly after this, I cut out the image that I wanted to modify my eagle kite with. I dunno if you remember me talking about that; it was a while ago by now, goodness me. But nonetheless, it is cut out and "laminated" in packing tape to be weather resistant; now it's just a matter of finding a way to affix the image to the kite. I think you will like the results when it's done. But I am not going to show you the progress, because I'm afraid of losing my motivation to do the thing if I show you before it's ready. Also, I kinda want it to be a surprise…

I managed to get a few other "adulting" odds and ends done. None of it is especially earth-shattering or major, but still, it feels relatively good to be productive...

Earlier, I contorted my shoulders, neck, and ribcage weirdly against a doorframe, and my hyoid bone went POP in a really huge way. I feel pretty great, at least for the time being. I wonder if some muscles in that general area got stuck together weirdly due to whatever compensations are being made for the rib injury. Guess I'll never know for sure. All the same, I hope this lasts a while; it feels good to be able to breathe without pain. J and I took a walk after that, and I managed to snag some pretty cool pictures for you, I think:

...I hope you can look at these and remember how beautiful the world is.

I'm really not sure how today managed to be both eventful and uneventful at the same time. I wonder if you have days like that. I wonder if you dislike them, or if you revel in them. Admittedly, despite getting lots of important things done, I still don't really feel like I did anything, so I feel a bit restless, I guess. Maybe I'll choose to revel in it anyway.

I'm gonna eat and then I'm gonna design a house, methinks. I don't foresee anything else of note happening, and I don't foresee having any particularly large thoughts today, so I guess I'll end this here before I start to ramble.

Sephiroth, don't forget that you're loved and wanted in this world, okay? And not just by me. Lots of folks can love you exactly as you are right now. Okay? So stay safe out there; you wouldn't wanna make all of us folks sad by getting yourself disapoofed, right?

I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[bucketofbugz]

okay some things I have thought of for the horror actor tmnt iteration:

-They aren't technically "actors", at least not professionally. The movie they're making would be an independent project that they're working on rather than them being in an actual production. ^This is 100% just so that I didn't have to create any new adults to run the thing.

-This is a "mutants are just a normal part of society" iteration. It's easier.

-The turtles are highschool students (leaning towards 11th grade), and the ones to come up with the idea in the first place. Splinter's probably a retired actor or something. They come up with the idea near the beginning of the school year and work on it throughout, getting help from people in their specific classes (like Raph and Mikey ask around in art, Donnie in computer science, and Leo in journalism). Nearly everyone that works on the film is half an actor and half working on something else. Some have just one job, but most have at least a small job in addition to their main one. Depends what they felt able to do They'd definitely still be working on it well into summer.

-I have not decided if I'm going to give the characters they play different names, or if I want their regular names to be their character names (like Mikey's real name is something else, but his character's name is Michelangelo). I will figure that out before I write it, obviously.

-Raph is an actor + costume designer.

-Leo is an actor + script writer.

-Donnie is an actor + editor.

-Mikey is an actor + practical effects artist.

-Casey is an actor. Just an actor, that's all he wanted to do. "As long as my character gets to die in a cool way"

-April is filming + sound design

I'll probably create a few new characters for this au + add in some others (like Mona and Mondo I'm 100% adding. Also Sunita and Irma I think- maybe Karai?) but yea :]

So essentially, this au has two separate stories. The actual production of the film, and the film itself. This way I get to write a horror story without facing the consequences of actually killing characters :thumbsup:

If I ever write this au it'll probably be in comic form, so the movie will likely be a separate comic that I'd write after I write the actor comic.

Anyway sorry for posting about this iteration so much the brain ants have latched onto it it's the same thing that happened with the Mikey nightmares au

[marciabrady]

your thoughts on the unofficial princess girls ! (ex; esmeralda, meg, jane, kida) even the younger ones like melody, jane from peter pan II, eilonwy, wendy darling you can pick any ones you’d like to talk about !

I'll mention all the ones that you did!

Esmeralda- I love her. As is the case with every other female character on this list, the actual production of her film was never one I took to as a child because of the fact that she was the only female character/existed in a largely male universe, but after rewatching her movie as a teenager, I did grow in love with her. It lasted for a few years, and then moods of Esmeralda would come and go- so she isn't a consistent favorite- but I do think she has such a unique voice and song and design and I ADORE how mature she is. It's so refreshing, for how silly and childish the 3d girls are, to see an animated character that is really meant for adults. I love how she brushes on deeper topics of religion and kindness and social equality. I think she was ahead of her time and it always astounds me that she was written in an age before the internet, but has seemed to reflect so many ideals and sensibilities that have only been able to be apparent through all the different voices the forum of the internet enabled in the years after this film's release. I love that they didn't whitewash her, too, and I wish we'd get to see more of her culture.

Meg- So Meg is definitely someone who's always been an internet favorite and, while she does venture into 'not like other girls' territory, there is a charm to her, her design, and voice acting that I can't help but love. Ultimately, I do appreciate that she's morally grey but it does make me want to protect Hercules from her lol I think most people like Meg because of the whole sassy, jaded thing though, which is fine, but I think it's the same as when people only like Tiana for her toxic grind personality pre character arc. Meg's only that way because of trauma and she does it to cover up who she truly is, as a shield, so I prefer the sensitive underbelly of who she is and how she's actually the most basic person in the room. I find the parts where she's candid about her fear of heights and her back and forth with Phil more entertaining than her composed, cool edge. Although I will say, her action of giving her life in exchange for her boyfriend's was one of the most confusing actions I've ever seen a Disney character take and I think they kinda made her entirely storyline about men (she's enslaved by Hades, her objective is to trap Hercules because that's what Hades told her to do to regain her freedom, which she lost because of her ex boyfriend which made her jaded) and I wish they let her have friends who were girls or at least female characters to interact with.

Jane- Okay my answer is going to sound confusing so I'm going to preface with this: I do like Jane and I would want more representation for her. I think she has some of the best fans and she is enjoyable/generally delightful. However, I will say she made me wish we didn't get any more white women in animation for a while lol we'd already had a lot of white leading ladies before this (and she broke a successful women of color streak with Jasmine and Pocahontas and Mulan), and she still abides to an eurocentric beauty standard, so to appease that quotient of the audience but still make her stick out they just over-emphasized her even more than the 10 or more white women that came out before her had been? Her eyes were EVEN more buggish, she was EVEN skinnier, she had even more prominent cheekbones, etc, and i just wanted a more diverse design and a breath of fresh air. I also think it's irritating how obsessed American audiences are with English/Australian accents (but not other cultures' accents which...smh) so like...that makes me sigh HOWEVER I do love the fact that she studies animals and I think she is unique and lovely

Kida- Again, love how mature and intelligent and athletic she is. I kind of wish that Moana was written more like Kida, in that sense, instead of being on the Rapunzel end of things. But I love Kida's design and her personality and her doll and crystal necklace from Mcdonald's was iconic in my household lol I even cut triangles into my bangs when I was in preschool because I was going for the textured layers she had in the animation but didn't know how to mentally translate that into the real world lol her movie is pretty good, I just haven't seen it too many times and she isn't someone I connect with personally but I love her fans and do think she's incredible and admire her and the people who love her more intimately

Melody- I never took to Melody because I was an Ariel fan so I always felt that we were shortchanged by her being the main character of the sequel. Since I loved Ariel, she's the one I sided with in disagreements and still kind of do? Their dynamic is so much weaker compared to Ariel/Triton because Triton was an active bigot and shut Ariel down, time and time again, silencing her and infusing their dynamic with so many layers and nuances. Ariel and Melody's relationship is kinda predicated on interruptions and bad timing? Just as Melody opens up to her mother, Eric comes on screen and interrupts everything. Ariel decides it's time to tell Melody of her mermaid heritage, only for Melody to have escaped a few minutes prior. Also, even though Triton was blatantly abusive (even though unintentional), Ariel still had so much love for him and attacked Ursula physically when she saw her Father reduced to a polyp. Even after Triton screams at her and destroys her Grotto, she openly says, "Daddy, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to." Where, Ariel is literally trying to explain things to Melody and is being openly apologetic and Melody just mean mugs her and says "too late mom" lol plus she's super young which, again, I take to more mature characters. That being said, I do know there's been a large community of Melody lovers in recent years and I do think they're all great! I also think most of the people who think they're Ariel's are more Melody's because Ariel fans tend to be fixated on the ocean, which Ariel herself would never be- that's more Melody. Plus a lot of Ariel fans just tend to seem more like Melody in general, energy wise, and she is a more rare character and any rare character getting more love is something I'm here for

Jane (from Peter Pan 2)- I think they did a good job with not being afraid to make her unlikable but because she's such a tomboy AND younger, there's nothing really here for me to latch on to. I was so sad they cut the mermaids, and Wendy's character (they kept her but to a minor extent) because they really only had a dying Tinker Bell for female representation and then a Jane that was "one of the guys" and the first Lost Girl ever but with nothing else for us that loved Wendy and Mrs. Darling and the mermaids of the original film. So, again, it's fine but just not for me personally

Eilonwy- Okay, this is an answer that surprises even myself but I don't really like her? As a child, I took her VHS from Blockbuster because the cover had a princess in a pink dress lol but I never really rewatched the movie after that or thought about it. I revisited it when I was a teenager and ADORED it. I wrote Eilonwy and read the books and was obsessed, but I guess it was short-lived because I didn't visit the movie for a decade afterwards and, when I did, I found her unlikable? I felt like she was very abrupt, prone to having unnecessary fits and kinda rude and didn't have the charm to balance it out BUT I'm convinced I'll warm up to her again in due time. I don't think she'll ever be a top favorite though

Wendy- 10/10 LOML there is so much warmth to her and I LOVE how she's at that age where she babbles you know why because it shows she's PASSIONATE and she's so forgiving and lovely and kind and imaginative and I love that she's the "supreme authority on Peter Pan" just as most of us on Tumblr have taken it upon ourselves to educate ourselves on whatever we're fascinated by. I also love that she has an edge and isn't a doormat and she's the one calling the shots and moving the story forward. I think writers are the most intellectually stunning people in the world and this movie acknowledges that by how prized she is for her storytelling ability. Also, how could you NOT love a character voiced by Kathryn Beaumont? Perfection, chef's kiss, one of my favorites ever!!

[hymnsofheresy]

hi, i was wondering if you could pray for me, i know this is random but i guess i just really admire your philosophy, you were the first blog that introduced me to the world of christianity outside my small bubble. to be honest, i'm not quite sure if i believe in god or not. maybe this is just a last effort, but it couldn't hurt. my mental health has worsened severely since my 18th birthday a few days ago, i guess i just no longer have teenagehood as a crutch to explain my flaws and mental health problems, now i'm just a pathetic adult living with her parents who are starting to not be able to hide how much of a disappointment i am to them. my only real hope is getting a very good grade on my country's rough equivalent of the SATs next year to get into a good college, but i know what i'll do if i fail. i've been succeding more and more in self-harm, slowly working up to more dangerous methods, losing my instinct of self preservation as i lose touch with reality. i'm not scared of death too much myself, i'm just afraid of what my parents will do when i leave them forever. they do say they love me, i don't think it's a complete lie. not sure what else to say, thanks in advance

Firstly, I want to say is that it is a very modern and western idea that we as people are fully "grown" at age 18 and we must be financially independent from our parents. Take it as someone who is still living with her parents at age 23 in-between university and my upcoming job (I have been living unemployed with my folks for over 10 months at this point!). I know of many accomplished friends with careers (both college educated and not) living with their parents well into their twenties and early thirties. Some of them are staying with their parents to build up their own assets. Some of them are with their parents to help the family maintain economic stability. I think that it is very natural to have a slow breaking off from your parents, otherwise you can go into financial (and emotional) devastation pretty quickly. And truth be told, a lot of people come back to their parents for support even after they have obtained "independence." We are human beings, we must rely on social structures.

However, I am sympathetic to your suffering. I remember going through a very dark time right after my graduation; I was nearing suicidal. I felt like I was a burden to my parents, that my life held no purpose. I never could imagine a life for me after school because my education was my life. However, those feelings passed when I began job searching and after I landed a job.

There is no point in your life where you are worthless. It is okay to be in those "in-between" spaces where you aren't necessarily being productive; everyone has those times. Your usefulness and productivity is not what makes you deserving of life and love. Your parents do love you, and the world would have an empty hole without you in it. I will be praying for you Anon.