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fracturedporcelaindoll · 16 days

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Dear diary,

I recently discovered that a pillow I had been wanting has gone on sale as such it's slightly more affordable which means I am pondering purchasing it however.... Some factors to consider ...~

It's a novelty being a dashhound shaped pillow, then the size while perfect for bed is long enough that transporting it in tote or backpack would not be doable~

So then I'd be stuck walking most likely or taking public transportation possibly with it back home and that just draws too much attention, like you'll notice a short person carrying an obviously way bigger item around~

I am not in elementary school so I worry it'd look uncute to others not that matters much but this anxiety and stuff is why I think it's better not to leave home/go outside and socialize~

Ironically it might be better to force socialization to attempt to overcome or better handle anxiety~

Then I've been considering fashion a lot lately, there's the fashion I adore and now that I have freedom to wear what I wish without worrying about school dress codes, it becomes more possible to wear such aesthetics however I am an adult and wearing childish prints no matter how adorable may seem inappropriate~

Classical elegant styles that I adore as well seem suited only for tall flawless model beauties~

At least I know that if I go to the one store they will have high quality products and I'll always be able to find another super soft oversized sweater~

I've been trying to narrow down costume for Halloween but honestly I think of too many options and that's not counting prepackaged costumes versus pieced together ones using variety of clothing options~

I may just skip it after all I haven't been feeling overly social and trick or treaters have lots of options for visiting to get candy~

I could stay in and watch movies instead which will probably be what happens~

I am half tempted to pair down wardrobe again and just invest in several pairs of fuzzy super comfy and cute pajamas sets~

After all if I can avoid socializing more than I don't have to worry about what other people would think because it's just me and comfy soft pajamas are nice~

I've started thinking about trying to write a short story or book with it being a cliche romantic story and writing a character similar to myself as one of leads but I am not really a writer~

Then it's not like some handsome charming man will sweep me off my feet, sure in a fictional world I could create character that likes me partly for the flaws I see in myself but maybe they'd find cute in some way like most romantic cliche troupes go~

I really been craving gingerbread men cookies and considering pumpkin pie since it's that time of season, well almost October is still a bit aways and fall doesn't officially start until the 22nd but the heat just makes me long for the chilly autumn and cold winter that I sooooo desire to have this year~

I am rectangular shaped or so that's what I see in the mirror on the occasion I wear a fitted dress~

Hourglass shapes are obviously attractive maybe rectangular if you're like tall and really thin but not if your short and not so thin~

I recently found out that your waist size should only be half of your height, which means I am failing there too~

I wish I could create my own winter maybe it'd improve my mood though to be fair while sitting by window as snowflakes cover everything with some hot cocoa wrapped in a blanket and wearing a cozy sweater would help some I could just get a little sad that Santa disappears after childhood, well not really but he's only there for children not so much adults which makes sense and all~

Maybe I am just being selfish, it's not like material things matter when considering life and death~

I kinda want to call my dad and be like do you think I am pretty /beautiful because I want that reassurance that I am by hearing him say that but the reality is if I did call and get the nerve to ask he'd laugh and ask me if I was asking because I wanted to hear that I was pretty/beautiful then that it didn't matter what he thinks what matters is what I think of my self, and he's not going to just give me a compliment because I want one as well that there's always room for improvement~

See? So I don't need to talk to him as I can play out what he'd say and he has his own life and doesn't need me taking time away from all the things he has to keep him busy etc~

My mother scares me sometimes, like I thought I'd matured well enough especially the last few years with trying to care for her in a way any therapist would but at the same time, it's like do people always turn out to be their parents? Is it inventable because to be honest, I don't want to be some gloomy depressed always the victim etc that she is~

Of course she has good qualities too, but yeah~

It's not like I didn't have a childhood, I did for a little while then things changed, circumstances etc and I adapted I always thought I handled it pretty okay but it's ridiculous of me to want something back that just can't be~

If school wasn't so expensive and tediously long I'd consider a career as a librarian, sounds nice and cozy or art teacher at an elementary school because that's the most fun when it comes to crafts and art stuff~

Teachers however have so many hoops to jump through and most require you get a minimum of bachelor's with the understanding that you work towards getting your master's then all the state and board exams as well as continuing educational classes to keep up with any changes to education systems etc~

If you read this and leave a like it's appreciated but not expected~