#after all i never even got sick with covid since 2020

[niteshade925]

Idk if it's because I'm stressed at work or something, but my fragile gi system never quite acts up at work. It's always the day after I get off of work. Wtf

I just want to enjoy my goddamn weekend

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for pretending I cheated on my partner when our common friend asked why we fought?

It will sound fake and fictional, but please bear with me because I'm getting crazy over it. And also sorry for any english mistake, we're not from an english speaking country.

To give some context: I am a man. There was this person, B(m), which whom I kind of grew up with. We went through the same schools from our 6 years old to 17 but we never were really friends. Then, around our 13, I got into a clique that fed into all my bad habits and I started to actively bully B because he seemed like an easy target at the time. I enjoyed it and was encouraged to do so (because I was such an asshole and I'm not even cringing thinking about it, it's worse. I regret it so much and I was a stupid and bad teenager). It was so bad that after years of enduring it, B changed school before we graduated and I went on with my life.

It' was's been about 15 years ago that I graduated.

In the meantime, I dealt with some problems that I had with my family and I went through intensive therapy which changed me for the better, and I came to terms with my sexuality as well.

Flashforward to 2019/2020, I meet with someone online through some games and it goes very well. Thanks to the Covid and the lockdowns, we play even more and get closer. At some point, I talk about an event happening close to my city, and he tells me that he knows about it as well and that we're living close to each other. Because we enjoyed our time online (ngl, we had started flirting although I didn't know how sincere it was) we decided to meet at that event.

And there, I find out that my online friend is B. It's extremely awkward but only for me because he cannot recognize me for three reasons: 1. I changed physically with my puberty finally finishing the job after my 18 birthday, and I found some love into dying my hair. 2. I changed in terms of personality thanks to the therapy I went through. 3. My legal name was changed when I said goodbye to this fucking family of mine and left without turning back (but I was getting sick just saying my last name).

I, obviously, didn't tell him anything about who I really was because I just wanted to enjoy that evening with a friend, and we didn't see each other since he left high school because of me. My plan was just to slowly distance myself from him after that evening but it failed because we had a lot of fun and we actually really hit off and I was dying constantly at the idea that he could find out.

We've been in a relationship sicne the beginning of 2021 and I was decided to just never tell him (horrifying idea I know, anyone with a braincell would have told me that it was bound to be found).

A month ago, I met with an old friend from high school (so yeah, he was in the bullying gang but more of a followers, so we stayed in friendly terms when we both agreed that it was bad) and as he recognized B, he decided to excuse himself and hoped that B would forgive him like he "forgave" me (I never got to tell that friend to shut up about that) so yeah, B found out that I was his main bully who had lied to him for almost 4 years now.

We had quite a big talk about it. How bad my bullying ended up for B; why I lied like that and never admitted it. And even if it went alright, B told me that he needed a break to think about things and it's going to be one month that I'm crashing at a common friend of us. At first, I just said that B and I got into a fight and it was good enough, but as it's been already a month, the friend asked more about it. Not wanting to bring up B's trauma to someone else (especially after our conversation), I just told the first lie that came to me and pretended that I cheated on B and he found out.

Now that common friend is calling me an asshole and keeps reminding me how much they are disappointed in me to have done something so horrifying to B. I keep wondering if I did well to lie like that, or if I should have found another way out.

[normal-with-adhd-is-a-joke]

I'm allowed to "give up" on treatment

I got sick with COVID in January of 2020 when I was 19 years old. Instead of getting better I gradually got worse and by April I was nearly bedbound with CFS/ME. I have been unable to work this whole time and was only able to return to college (part time) in 2022.

I've been in a physical health crisis since the onset of my illness. Even with resting pretty much all the time I was getting sicker and sicker. It was a race to find a treatment that worked before I got bad enough that I needed help that my parents couldn't provide. It was a race to get well enough to get out of my parents' house so that I didn't have to deal with the abuse between them and directed at me. It was a race to convince SSI that I was really disabled so I could get the money I needed to live on my own.

After I sorted out my last big health crisis I made the decision to stop seeking treatment for a time. I would try treatments or cures if they were offered to me, but they're not being offered right now because they don't exist. I don't know for how long, or what level of efficacy a treatment would need to have to convince me to give it a try, but for now I'm limiting doctor's visits to mental health stuff, checkups, vaccines, and treatment for any new or acute symptoms. I got SSI, I'm on two meds that are working to reduce my symptoms, I have a better powerchair now, and I'm living in accessible housing. My race is over.

My parents, especially my mom, were upset with this decision. They don't or can't grasp that my condition is not treatable despite me saying it all the time. My mom especially also doesn't understand that doctor's appointments aren't neutral for me, that they're usually negative and difficult. When I was constantly going to the doctor I was dealing with people who didn't understand my limits, who didn't understand ME/CFS, and were "willing to learn" at best. It was exhausting. None of the doctors I saw could provide me with more than they could find from an internet search, except for the specific CFS specialist who prescribed my current medications. Most doctors didn't even know the difference between chronic fatigue as a symptom and chronic fatigue syndrome and would just run diagnostics on me trying to find the "cause" of my CF even after I told them what it was. Every time I left an appointment I was depressed, hopeless, and angry. I was in a mental health crisis for days or weeks following each appointment because the doctor would show pity or even horror about how disabled I was and then not offer anything that would help me.

I debated whether I was even going to talk about this or if I was just going to stop. There's such a stigma around accepting your condition and moving on, especially if you're reliant on others or the government for care. But I want to say that regardless of what people around you are saying it's fine to be tired of doctors. It's fine to want a break or to want to stop altogether. People who have never dealt with chronic issues have a difficult time grasping how exhausting constant medical care can be, especially when you continue to be the same level of sick throughout the entire ordeal. You don't have to continue wearing yourself out to please people who don't understand what you're going through.

[placesyoucallhome]

okay so where have I been? Actually sick, but for the most part it's all the same sick, all the same sick as I've been since 2020, it just got worse.

ranting under a cut because I'm just venting at this point-

I got covid in like, February of 2020, early early, before doctors even thought covid was in my state early and sure as hell weren't diagnosing it. And to be fair, I didn't even got in, or bother telling anyone, because I thought it was a little headcold, barely coughed, just sniffly and tired, though the lack of taste was... odd. I didn't think anything of it, thought I just lost my sense of smell due to sniffles.

Then I didn't ever get better.

Honestly I thought I was losing my mind, I suddenly was sleeping 14+ hours a day, making dinner was an ordeal because I was exhausting just standing for minutes at a time, I couldn't work, I had no idea what was wrong with me. I didn't connect any dots until months later when my taste finally came back, that that was a symptom, and that for some people it just never gets better.

So for a while that's all I have to work with, there's no relief, no cure. Not until the vaccine anyways, and some people with long covid find relief, symptoms lessening or even going away entirely! I'm one of those, thank fuck, my fatigue lessens enough that I can get part time work again at least. And that's where I'm at for a while. I'm not at where I was before, but man, at least it's something.

Cut to a bit over a month ago, I get another cold, and... I don't recover. I'm shoved right back to where I was in 2020, and now with vertigo enough to make me nauseous at the drop of a hat and brain fog that makes thinking feel like a sisyphusian ordeal, fun! At least it's not loss of taste again. I sort out the veritgo with some supplements, but my fatigue and and the worst brain fog of my life are lingering, and at this point I'm gods damn desperate for this to not be reality for the next handful of years or more. SO. Research.

I try a few options, not much works, not until I stumble on a side blurb somewhere about antihistamines helping. I look some more, some people are completely reset to normal on them! Fuckin I might as well try right? I've never taken claritin I don't have allergies how would I have known?

And it fucking works

It was like night and day after one dose! No brainfog! My energy slowly comes back too! No vertigo! Holy shit!

Except my sinuses are actively killing me. To be fair, my sinuses never actually worked properly, they just don't drain. And now it feels like there is a solid mass of mucus in there that isn't budging, and my throat is raw because it's making me snore on top of that. Cool. cool cool cool. Apparently there's a known issue of antihistamines causing mucus in the sinuses to just not hydrate and essentially gunk up everything.

And that's where I'm at. My choices are- keep taking antihistamines and be able to stay away and think and just deal with the constant sinus migraines (or take sinus meds constantly on top of all that), OR- drop the antihistamines and deal with fatigue and brainfog, I can then consider a low histamine diet. What is a low histamine diet? Fucking torture. It's not even terribly healthy because it cuts out so many nutrients, and you aren't supposed to be on it for more than a month or so at a time, and I'd need to be on it for 6.

What is a low histamine diet? Amongst other things, no spices, no deli/coldcut meats, no spinach, no tomatoes, no cheese, no SOY SAUCE ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I cannot stress how much my diet revolves around tomatoes and soy especially, I wouldn't be allowed anything savory or spiced or fermented for SIX MONTHS.

So it's not looking likely.

So I'm at an impasse, I'm not sure what I'm gonna do about it yet. probably ease off the claritin for a while and see if my sinuses recover and try again?

Anyways I had mac and cheese tonight and only cried a little bit.

[it-begins-with-rain]

if you dont mind me asking, when did you get into seventeen? i've been following you for years now (back when i was still into tog/acotar), got into svt just over a year ago, and now find it a cute coincidence that you listen to them too!

Ooo! Maasdom follower who is also SVT fan!!

So... I want to explain something first to explain something second, lmao.

FIRST::

I've had an ear to kpop since about 2008, part of a fandom I will not name but your hint is they are famous for how overwhelmingly toxic they are.

Fell in love with the Korean language and dramas, actually lived in Korea in college and Seoul is the most beautiful city on the planet (I lived in Wonju which isn't bad, but isn't as amazing as Seoul).

And then the group that I had been following entered their... how to say... image-destruction-phase. It was like they were addicted to saying shit that exposed how rude and arrogant they were IRL, one guy just let his homophobia hang out there for the whole world to see and waved it around proudly.

Amidst all of that (the homophobic one actually came out as homophobic a week after this, so it hadn't happend yet but it was the nail in the coffin) I had somehow become a fandom leader against my will, known for being able to play CSI: Fandom (because of an emotionally unstable former friend I had to keep talking off ledges by getting to the root of scandal rumors). It was exhausting and people were fucking stupid. My stance on idols is they’re grown ass adults (mostly). Who the fuck gives a shit if they’re dating someone or whatever? Honestly I was so sick of the bullshit.

Anyways

A former member of the group released a solo album and it just... wasn't my taste at all. I didn't say anything against it by any means, but someone sent me an ask saying they'd noticed I wasn't reblogging.

I said ONLY "It's just not my genre, but I wish him luck" and within 15 minutes I had 12 messages either threatening my life or telling me to kill myself. Because of those words.

That was when I was like "You know what, fuck all of this" and bailed. That was around 2012-ish. I refused to go anywhere near kpop with a 10 foot stick after that. If I saw news, it was because it hit CNN or BBC (so the tragic deaths and the Burning Sun Scandal which was just INSANE, like, omg). But that was it. And btw I still dont' listen to that group I used to listen to. I fully will not touch their stuff.

SECOND:

So that was a big ass mountain blocking me from being willing to even consider kpop. But a dear friend of mine was very much into it and just like once in a blue moon I'd notice a post on my dash that was kpop from her, but I ignored it.

In mid-2020, a fuck ton of bad shit went down even on top of all the COVID stuff. Like, at one point I genuinely considered driving into a wall (except I was buried alive under responsibilities) and it just got incredibly hard and incredibly dark. My personality- I can't ask for help. I just can't. IDK why, it's a huge block for me.

So that friend, my darling Sarah, who reblogged kpop stuff I rarely saw, a GIFset came across my dash that I was just so exhausted and defeated I didn't even have the energy to scroll past and decided to read it. It was Seventeen in that group blitz episode of Going Seventeen where they hit the inflatable obstacle course.

And it made my heart feel not quite as heavy for a few seconds. Maybe I even cracked half a smile.

I kept dragging myself on, and I saw the GIFset again and in another defeated day, I looked it up on Youtube (had to play it at 70% speed, those psychos talk FAST) and watched it.

And... it made me genuinely smile.

So I watched all of Going Seventeen over the next several months. Then about 6 months in I decided to listen to one of their songs (Hoshi- Spider) and loved it. Started listening to more of their music, found out Carat are actually extremely chill and extremely dorky, the opposite of the fan club I'd been part of before.

So I joined Carat formally (i'd never done that with the Fandom That Must Not Be Named, Carat is my first fanclub :) ) and I just... enjoy them.

They got me through some really incredibly dark times, just being able to watch something lighthearted and simple and funny. Like, I know it’s cliche to say, I know they'll never know that, they probably wouldn't give a shit, they probably hear it 150,000 times a day. It doesn't matter. The dumbassery helped me a lot, and I'm grateful for that.

And this year I got to go see them live in concert with my darling Sarah, the same week I got the news that my mother's cancer (which we were told was terminal) was in full remission and she's one of only a few cases her doctors have ever SEEN to go into remission, and just...

That was way more info than you were asking for, but that's it. Their dorky, probably-licks-bus-windows charm was just simple and yet funny enough that it helped me breathe when that felt impossible, and so I like them :)

[brilovesyou]

IM BACKKKKKK

Its been a long as time since i’ve been here on tumblr. I would come on here in my teenage years horny looking for sex edits and videos of hard penis. I am very great at long story shorts so let me go ahead and give a summary of the last 7 years since 2016. 

I graduated high school , didn’t go to college was broke. Got hella jobs because I was a barista from 2017 -2018 ; 2018 in November I went to Amazon. Was lit cause amazon had the bag back then. $15/hr 4-5 hour shifts and im what 19/20 with my friends. It was lit as fuck. 2019 my dad passed my first year of college and I failed all those damn classes. I was studying Biology & that shit is very hard. I lost all my motivation due to my dad being a dead ass. I met my highschool crush , he went through my then best friend to get my snapchat so he could be my guy. Jalen is someone I never would have thought to look my way because looks are deceiving. Jalen is one year older than me and he was a star football player when we were in high school. I was just a nerd, so I didn’t even know he knew I existed. Jalen is the best guy ever and we are still together. COVID came 2020 and cleaned the fucking earth, rest in peace to all fallen souls. COVID was a silent killer and I too had caught COVID from my sister in which i didn’t have any symptoms ; I too can be a silent killer. I hated to know i was asymptotic whatever the fuck and I am glad same time. My sister was sick as fuck when she had it and it was bold. I am vaccinated , no booster foh , only got vaccinated because I had to go to JA for 2022 ; my mother got married to Gerald. Gerald is lit and has two daughters, Sierra & Sadyah . Sierra has my second neph King who is 2 years old now. I love my new extended family, they are lit. Anyways during covid I stopped working at amazon because they fired me LMAO. Anyways my bud got me this WFH  job with the State of Michigan and I worked there from 2020- 2021. Job was hell but i had to be employed wtf, i was making $15/hour and after a year of claimants telling me im a stupid bitch and know nothing I got a raise to $18/hr. I was a temp worker with Robert Half so they sent me to a new project when covid “ ended “.  I was sent to Centene to do Dental Insurance and I’ve been working there since 2021- 2023 which is current. I make $21.08 and it is pretty lit fr. I live in an apartment with Jalen and my two cats. I WFH, have a catering business , a nail business and new ServSafe Certification. Still in cc working towards my culinary degree, i finally decided to follow my dreams instead of the ones i thought would make my parents happiest. I have clientele with food & nails. Need riches so me & Jalen can be married & buy our trucks & house

[galen-the-technomage]

hello, it's me! long time no see, tumblr.

for Various Reasons explained further down below, I kinda dropped out of existence here for a while.

one thing that I have been up to for many many months is watching incredible amounts of The Bill. some of it is very much a nostalgia trip for me and there are some eras I never watched any of. I've been excavating fics from the wayback machine but some eras are harder to find than others. I may or may not post some character thoughts into the void.

otherwise, my fandom interests haven't changed much. I should at least update my little about page thing to list the fandoms I want to yell about the most.

oh also I have been on low dose t since Jan although I'm not really in a great place to be able to judge the effects so far (apart from acne ;.;).

long boring health stuff below the cut thing.

so I have had COVID followed by long COVID something like four times now and it was just getting worse each time. before anyone thinks it: yes, I take precautions. I was taking more than most around my area. at least two of the times, I didn't even go anywhere where I was near other people at all. I have no idea how I got it - it's just one of those things.

also: I was never certain about the first time (in 2020) but I've since gathered enough evidence including worsening asthma and an enzyme I used to metabolise a med I was on getting fucked up to convince me that it absolutely was.

ANYWAY I am now on a protocol that is working for me, gradually. I was also able to arrange reduced hours at my job (after taking a million sick days which are technically unlimited but in reality there does have to be a limit). I was already on the protocol during my last round of COVID and it barely set me back unlike all the other times.

because of endless fatigue and brain fog, I just totally ran out of energy for stuff other than work (and watching endless The Bill) but I'm grabbing some of it back.

[jesseuno]

I went to a DDR Tournament (aka: Post-MOTL4 Thoughts)

As the title suggests, I went to a DDR Tournament in Mentor, Ohio this past weekend called Mistake on the Lake 4. Below are my thoughts on the event, focused primarily on my performance at said event:

First off, the reason I’m posting it here instead of something such as twitter, or facebook, or discord or something is because I feel like I can be honest with myself about how I played without feeling a sense of being around (for lack of better term) toxic positivity. It’s not that I don’t think the community means well, and there is a very reasonable chance that I’m putting too much pressure on myself even now, but the last thing I want to hear right now is “you have one leg, it’s okay” or “you weren’t feeling well” or “it’s been a long time” or any kind of justification like that. Those are valid reasons to not play well, but I feel like it takes a lot of the responsibility off of me. The fact is this: I sucked. I performed worse at that tournament than I ever have at any other tournament in my time playing competitively (2004 - 2010, 2018 - 2020.) and there’s some very legitimate reasons why that are just entirely on me. 1. Since the COVID mandates have been relaxed (if not lifted entirely), I haven’t played all that much. I have not put in the time that I should have. I didn’t give the tournament and the competition the respect that it deserved. I even had the audacity to honestly think that I should have been rated higher than I was, and the way I played showed that I belonged exactly in the pool I was in, and probably lower if such a pool existed. I was out-worked, straight up. 2. During the course of COVID, I let myself get significantly out of shape. Despite having options around me to stay active, I chose to ignore them. To stay sane, I probably drank my own actual weight in bourbon and other alcohol to cope with the stress of the situation. That would have been fine (or at least understood) DURING COVID, but when I got vaccinated and things relaxed down, I didn’t change those habits. I didn’t start trying to be more active again and I didn’t do anything to change the negative habits that developed during COVID. I basically let myself blimp up even further and become even more lethargic and lazy. I went from about 170 lbs. before COVID, to 187 lbs. during it, to as of right now, 216.1 lbs. AFTER. Carrying an extra 45 lbs. everywhere you go takes its toll physically. I just can’t do as much or go as hard as I used to be able to.

3. To piggyback off of the last reason, I drank entirely too much leading into the tournament. Literally, the night before, I polished off a bottle of coconut rum with two other people. The night prior to that, beer and bourbon and cokes. The night before? Shots of rum while I was packing. I was basically an internalized microbrewery who was bloated and awful, and had no energy to play when it finally came time to do so. I even felt sick and anxious as I played, and proceeded to vomit my guts out after I finished. It was only after that, well after I was eliminated, that I finally felt good and loose. All of this is to say that I didn’t give this tournament, the competitors in my pool, and for that matter, myself, the respect it, they, and I deserved, and it showed, and I embarrassed myself on stream. I don’t even want to watch the VODs or recorded footage of the matches because I’m so ashamed of myself up there. It fucking sucks. In essence, TL;DR: I let myself down because I let myself get fat, out of shape, unmotivated, and drunk, and I played like shit for it. I’m writing this because at the end of it all, I want to take accountability for that and I never want to feel that embarrassed again. I never want to play that badly again. I never want to be that ill-prepared ever again. And if I have my way, I’m not going to. Consider this my accountability plan. 1. With the USL Soccer Season officially over, I have my Saturdays to myself again. If I have any say in the matter, on top of Tuesdays and Sundays, I am going to spend my Saturdays in the arcade playing and getting back into playing shape. Additionally, I’m going to start going back to Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu class on my Wednesdays to try and get myself back into decent physical shape. At the minimum, if I can get back down to under 200 lbs., that would be a good starting point. 2. It’s obvious that I have some bad habits that I need to work through. I need to eat better, I need to exercise more, I need to develop healthier mindsets for dealing with negative situations around me. This even includes dealing with playing badly. It’s okay not to be the player that I used to be. I’m not that person right now. Hell, I’m not the person I was two or three years ago, period. Looking back in the past is not going to do me any good. I need to work with who I am now and build from that. 3. This is the hard one to come to grips with, and I hate that I’m writing it. I’m actually kind of scared to even put it in writing, but I don’t think I have much choice anymore. Right now, I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I have for a long time now. And while I should thank my lucky stars that I haven’t said or done something egregiously stupid yet, I’m afraid that I’m probably teetering that razor’s edge. Even now, I constantly have an anxious feeling in my chest that I’ve said or done something wrong, or inadvertently hurt someone, and I’m going to get myself thrown out of a community that I love, and this was even after asking a friend of mine to effectively be my shadow at said event to make sure something like that explicitly DIDN’T happen. I can’t live like this and something has to change. Another friend of mine has challenged me to go till my birthday weekend (Dec. 9-11) without alcohol. I think that’s a good idea. If nothing else, to reset my body and mind. This part won’t be easy and I’m actually kind of afraid. I hope I don’t fail.

To hold myself accountable to this, I’m including two photos of myself currently. Unaltered, untouched, not hat on, etc. It’s me, as I am at 216 lbs., wearing a t-shirt and soccer jersey that is way too tight on me for my size.

Hopefully the next time I post photos of myself, I will look a little thinner, be in better shape, most definitely be under 200 lbs., and also being a little more sober. Ideally also playing DDR infinitely fucking better than I ever did this weekend. I can’t keep living like this. I have to do something about it now. :\ Thanks for reading.

[charlesherbertlightoller]

So since I've been decidedly less than actively engaged on here than I used to, perhaps my mutuals would like a life update. Well, unfortunately, there's nothing all that great to tell anyone about. In fact looking back, it's finally dawning on me that, despite the positive developments, 2024 has been the absolute worst and wasteful year of my life. I mean…

January – Discovered that I'm allergic to bananas and honey now.

February – Remembered that I attempted suicide round this time in 2020 and am still disappointed I didn't succeed; had a fight with my mom and decided to finally begin the process of moving out this year.

March – Feeling guilty about getting top surgery done on International Women's Day. Suffered a horrific attack of peripheral neuropathy a week post-op (more on that later).

April – Most likely caught COVID for the first time ever, though I was never tested so I can never be sure if it was It or just a bad cold; ironically, nobody else in the house got sick except me. Shortly after, fought with Mom again and left home permanently this time.

May – Month of Madness; started Wellbutrin and spiralled into the worst mental state I've ever been in in my life, with severe anxiety attacks, paranoia and psychosomatic symptoms (including what felt like a heart attack!). I might have been accidentally overdosing, too, since I was taking two extended release pills every day. Hospitalized thrice, called the EMTs at least 6 times. Even after detoxing, my legs would shake uncontrollably at times. Also had an ovarian cyst that blew (I went in assuming it was appendicitis) and it legit felt like I was dying. Learned that nobody cares about COVID anymore (my family included) and it's only getting worse, so I can't pursue a normal job if I want to stay safe.

June – Internalized Homophobia Month

July – Month of Madness 2. Had another fight with my mom, then got into a bike accident. Both my arms were practically useless for weeks on end, my right arm especially, even though nothing was broken. Dislocated my left shoulder on my birthday because I was using it to compensate for my right arm. The peripheral neuropathy and anxiety attacks were back, too; this was how I finally learned that I'm allergic to Tylenol, and I started getting better immediately after stopping it. Finally realized that my mom is a narcissist after our fight.

August – Vacation to Slovenia was cancelled. COVID scare, though thankfully I was negative. Keep fighting with my mom/coming to terms with the fact that she's a narcissist who's been emotionally abusing me for years, and that I just need to accept that she'll never change and I need to cut ties before it's too late. Otherwise did absolutely nothing this month.

September – Turns out huffing paint fumes from your staining project is bad for you! Who would have thought!? At least I got paid though, because I need to find a new healthcare provider after my plan changed. Starting to wonder if I have brain damage from either the Wellbutrin or possible COVID case in April, because I haven't felt normal since January. Also my dad is planning to take me to an immersive exhibition centred round my special interest…during the middle of the worst COVID wave in years, and I'll likely be the only person masking there.

Needless to say, I can only anticipate what will happen next this year with the utmost dread and preemptive disappointment as my world grows smaller by the day. I doubt I'll ever make a full comeback to any sort of social media in spite of it.

[uncleasad]

I finished Season One of Dickinson earlier this week, and now I have a backlog of thoughts to post… This one—the only one so far in complete prose form—was written on or about January 5.

With Dickinson 1x06, the “cruelty arrow” has finally come to land on Emily herself. And while her intentions were noble—who among us would not wish to be freed of responsibilities in order to spend a few days devoted to our life’s calling?—the way Emily went about this ruse, and especially witnessing her loved ones’ reactions, make her seem callous and selfish, or at least obliviously self-centered.

When it aired in 2019, no one could have understood the gravity of Emily’s (fake) illness, which is ironic since but a year later, in early 2020, everyone would have understood—yellow fever in Emily’s day, like COVID-19 in early 2020, was essentially a death sentence. Today, only 3 years removed, I think many people, particularly those who did not lose someone at that time, neither adequately recall the dire nature of those days nor adequately grasp the deathly seriousness of Emily’s lie. Indeed, while I recognized her lie was when I watched, the full gravity of it did not sink in until much later, when I made the connection (and, mercifully, not having lost someone, I still don’t have the same sense of terrible weight that others would).

Emily’s father’s confession of his drunken affair/one-night stand while betrothed to her mother was one thing, but Mrs Dickinson’s (still casually cruel) reminiscence of early motherhood and lament at soon having to bury a child (one she never wanted, yes) began to show the real harm of Emily’s faking a deadly illness. Austin’s bedside chat, though sad, was a breath of fresh air, because it served to highlight the depth of the sibling bond they share, and his love for his sister, in spite of their “fight” for Sue’s affections.

But it was Sue’s return to Amherst, distraught at the likely loss of yet another person she loves—the person she loves the most in this world, perhaps—that really hammered Emily’s cruelty home. Knowing that Sue had lost everyone she’d loved, how could Emily have stooped so low to have faked such a sickness? (How long had Emily been faking this illness? And how fast does mail get from Amherst to Boston? I can believe Sue could make it back to Amherst the day after receiving Emily’s letter, but I cannot believe Emily wrote and mailed the letter the day the episode opened, it got to Boston, and Sue was back the very next day.)

I’m somewhat hopeful that Sue’s words resonated with Emily and that, combined with Austin’s confessions about the nature of his love for Sue the night before, prompted Emily to realize how selfish she’s been and “urge” (with eye contact and a nod and a lifetime of shared history between them) Sue to say she’d come back for Austin.

I enjoyed the B-plot with Emily’s “new George”—Edward’s new law clerk, Ben—who like George has shared literary interests with Emily and encourages her wilder notions—perhaps more so than even George, as the night swim shows. (Edward has let another fox into the hen house!) Unlike George, Ben seems (so far) far more understanding of Emily’s situation and desires—although I do not fully trust him, no matter how sweet his story about his father’s wedding ring is….

In the C-plot, was I the only one to think that Lavinia’s dress looked reminiscent of Emma Watson’s as Belle? And with her…wild-haired…cat, it was to be a portrait of Beauty and the Beast? (No? Just me? OK, well, we all know my mind works in a bizarre manner 😂) It was heartening to see that she took the portraitist’s words to heart, however, and began trying to draw herself as she wished to be seen—a nude self-portrait in front of a mirror is a fascinating concept. And…also interesting that Lavinia did not make a bedside visit to Emily…

[ruminate88]

Symptoms After Narcissistic Abuse ?

My last relationship with a narcissist, Andrew, ended March 2015, although I continued to have contact with him afterwards for that whole summer at least until August. Then I had to face Andrew one more time in January 2016, but he wasn’t the only narcissist I ever dealt with I dealt with two others(that I’m aware of), Cody and Jake.

I got married in 2017 to a really nice guy but I was still pretty keyed up from narcissistic abuse. I don’t think I truly ever relaxed and I know that I consistently worried about if my husband was going to cheat or going to lie to me or suddenly tell me he pretended all of his feelings just like my ex, Andrew, said he did. I kept waiting for my husband to drop a bomb on me and it has yet to happen, but I’ve continually searched for it…

2020 we all know Covid happened and it was very crazy and extreme. I think everybody was on edge wondering what’s going to happen next!! will there be enough food, was everybody going to get sick and die, was the sickness even real, what about the vaccine, was people going to lose their jobs, was the world going to end…? In the fall of 2020 began all of my stomach issues: I had burning in my esophagus so bad I could not eat for weeks and I randomly lost 25 pounds!!! 😳Mind you though, there was times when I dated Andrew that I actually had no appetite and forgot to eat, because there was so much drama, stress, confusion, fear and heartbreak with him, but I never lost any weight then… I was 127 when I was with Andrew but I continued to carry a lot of weight and I actually gained weight after I got married!! I was up to 133 pounds! But at the end of 2020, I was now down to 110 pounds.

in 2020, I never knew what narcissism was but I knew that I would consistently think about Andrew and I could never stop and I felt as if I was cheating on my husband even though I wasn’t! I had no contact with Andrew whatsoever. I just could not stop thinking about him 24/7 . I never knew about trauma bond. I had no idea why I was still obsessed with Andrew and I hated it so much because I knew what he had put me through and how bad of a guy he was and there was no way I should be able to miss him! that made me feel really stupid, like, why would I miss a guy that treats me so poorly? I also believe in 2020 all that happened in our world made a lot of people think about how their lives could change in a moment and you wonder how people are doing. I did wonder if all of my exes were OK how they were surviving, did they lose their jobs ? Did they get sick? Did they get the shot? So many things running in my mind because I’m just a person that always cares about other people and that will never change for me. I did try to Google Cody to see if he was alive because I had a bad feeling but when I googled him, he looks fine to me. Doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with him and I wonder did he get sick during Covid or did he get the shot? What is he doing with his life? There’s not a whole lot of information online like their use to be. He stopped updating a lot of his social media accounts! (Probably made all new ones cuz he does that) He doesn’t have any social media that I could find but I did find his new address and his new phone number, it was all I could do to keep myself from writing him a letter since he ghosted me, but I knew that would be a horrible idea that if he can ghost me, that means he does not care about me whatsoever and sending him a letter would probably not change or affect him at all It’s better that I just let him go even though he has no idea how I never got closure, and I suffered so many years with that it was like a heavy burden on my heart because of him!

when you read online about the aftermath of narcissistic abuse, you learn about trauma bond, cognitive dissonance and it says that you can have memory loss, headaches, stomach issues, which I did have stomach issues but not until 2020 my last relationship ended in 2015! My question has been was the stomach issues from stress of Covid or narcissistic abuse? Was it something else that I had going on inside of me or was it the aftermath from all the narcissist abuse, dealing with three different narcissist??? The problem is even though I’ve stopped losing weight and I’ve been able to eat, I still get a lot of indigestion and heartburn issues. Now I had a grandmother, whom, when she was alive also had a weak stomach but I don’t know if she ever truly went through what I’ve went through. Whenever the stomach issue started in 2020, I tried to call the doctor and get help but unfortunately it was during Covid and that was all that the doctors could focus on at that time!! they could not help me with anything else unless it was Covid related but they made me an appointment to see them. it was all about Covid though and I had a very uncomfortable feeling about it, and I backed out of the appointment because I simply did not trust the doctor at that time! I believed they were only going to test me for Covid and they were going to probably say I had Covid and try to convince me to get the shot and I just did not feel right about it. I had a very bad feeling. That means I had to fix myself. I had to find something over the counter to take just to stop the burning in my esophagus, and then I had to move on and questioned what’s wrong with me? How did it start but now that I know all about narcissistic abuse, and the symptoms that narcissistic abuse can cause, I realize that I’ve had just about every one of the symptoms, including: I was depressed and suicidal the whole time I dealt with the narcissistic men. 🥺🥺🥺

if you or someone you know is or has dealt with narcissistic abuse, let them know that it’s OK and that it’s not permanent and that they will get through it and they will be all right. The memory loss I never had!! (thank God) I’ve always had an excellent memory, but there is a lot of fog surrounding narcissist, and they are very confusing people... They confuse you all the time!! It’s a real thing and they keep you distracted too! When I was dating Andrew, I was so distracted that I couldn’t focus on ANYTHING except him the WHOLE TIME and there’s still times I find myself distracted, thinking of him, and it tries to stop me from getting anything accomplished in my daily routines and I have to remind myself that that’s in the past!! I’m in a new reality now and I want to be in my present time!! I don’t want to be trapped in the past, but it is very easy to be stuck in the past. 😰 It is a real thing and you need to recognize it and you need to work on it. You’re working on yourself every day, learning and growing. Don’t stop growing and don’t stop moving forward!

I was diagnosed in elementary school with a learning disability and with slight add which is now titled as “adhd” but your ability to “focus” when dating a narcissist, is way worse!! I struggled to be in “reality” more than usual and even my mom saw how much I changed at that time. Andrew just had me so obsessed with him and I’ve struggled to break that.

tell me what you think about all this below……

[rachel-wsu]

Healthcare Workers, the Misconceptions

   Snohomish Fire District 4 Station 41, photo by Rachel Pitts

  Healthcare workers were the driving force that got the US through the 2020 pandemic. However, currently in 2023 healthcare workers feel exhausted and under appreciated more than ever. After 2020 many of you would think healthcare workers are more appreciated than they were before. Especially after so many people posted about how much we should value them more. In numerous areas the treatment of healthcare workers has gotten worse and has no signs of improving. From how patients treat staff, to how corporations do not appreciate their employees.

  Taylor Kramer a medical assistant that has worked at The Everett Clinic for almost six years will speak on her experiences. When asked if her work environment had changed since covid Kramer said, “It is more stressful and mentally draining. Patients are being rude, mean and aggressive. Even physical threats have become normal. Because of covid corporate companies took over and they are not treating healthcare staff well.” 

  From patients being aggressive to corporate takeovers, our healthcare workers are struggling with their mental health. The corporate changes Kramer is referring to is Optum buying out The Everett Clinics and The Polyclinics. Optum is a company owned by United Healthcare, a nationwide health insurance company. Even though the purchase of her clinic is legal Kramer said, “The buy out feels medically unethical.” Much like how church and state should be separate, so should healthcare facilities and insurance companies.  

  When Kramer was asked what misconceptions people had she said, “I haven’t seen any pay increase over the last three years.” These three years include the year 2020. Additionally, she was never given hazard pay or retention bonuses for working with covid patients like so many people think. When she got sick from covid Kramer had to use her paid time off or go home sick without pay. All of this was shocking to hear considering everywhere online people are making posts and hash tagging their appreciation for healthcare workers. Yet people are not showing this same attitude with their own doctors offices. 

  Josh Poole, a firefighter from Snohomish Fire District 4 Station 41 shared in Kramer’s feelings of being under appreciated. When asked if he felt appreciated at his job Poole said, “No, people are actually ruder than before covid. There is an expectation of special treatment. Patients use profane language and have unreasonable expectations. Patients are refusing to give basic cooperation when being taken to the emergency room, like medication lists. When people are kind you are surprised.” While Poole expressed he loved his job, he wished patients would understand, “everyone in the healthcare industry is just trying to do their best.” 

  Poole also shared confusion over what people were saying online as opposed to how they acted in person to healthcare workers. Poole said, “Everyone wants to share their appreciation online, but when it comes to face to face interactions people show little to none.” He shared another common factor with Kramer. Why are people appreciative on social media to healthcare workers, but not in person? People are understandably in pain or distraught, that’s why they call 911. But Poole says, “He doesn’t except calls to be easy, but people could at least be cooperative.” Will we see a decrease in healthcare workers in the future due to these mistreatments? Would you go into a career field you knew you would be under appreciated?

 The Everett Clinic, photo by Rachel Pitts 

[djparticle]

Covid Finally Came For Me...

So this pandemic has been ongoing now in the USA for almost 3 years (though granted, nowhere near as bad as it used to be) and this past week, my luck finally ran out. Maybe it was due to the table of coughing Trumpie boomers we were seated near at the 50s Grill last Friday, maybe it was the packed crowd at the Mall of America the day after, but regardless, I'm now among the number of total Covid cases. As for my personal experience with the pandemic first-hand, like I said, I figured I caught it last weekend, but I didn't KNOW it was Covid until I tested myself Wednesday morning... the scratchy throat came first (Sun), then the coughing (Mon), then the chills and runny nose (Tue). At that point, I realized that, aside from the coughing/sore throat and runny nose, the rest of my symptoms were similar to my reactions to the vaccines. The more I thought about it, the more realization set in that it could be Covid. The test simply proved that it was. But in a way, I guess I had the luck of Nagito, because I seem to be recovering rather quickly. Thanks to 5 jabs (the most recent one being the new formula that tackles Omicron), my symptoms got no worse than those I get with the common colds. I didn't have to cancel a stream nor take any sick days from work (my job became mostly work-from-home in the Spring of 2020, and stayed that way ever since, so it's not like I took Covid to "the office"). As I type this, I'm already feeling about 95% recovered. The runny nose is gone, the cough is down to maybe 1 cough every couple hours (or even less). I never had any of the major symptoms-- never had shortness of breath, never had chest pains, never lost sense of taste or smell. And frankly, it's good that this happened *now*. I should be fine for my upcoming 11-day weekend, and with Covid transmission being low overall compared to last year, it hasn't been mutating much. There hasn't been a new full variant in over a year, just subvariants of Omicron that aren't different enough to fully evade the updated vaccine. And of course, since my partner and I live together, she got it too, and it's hitting her harder than it did me, but not too much harder. Hard enough to need Paxlovid, but not hard enough to even threaten to hospitalize her, and she's also slowly on the mend. Just her cough is a bit more persistent. Main takeaway from this is: We'll both be fine. I don't see any reason for either of us to worry about Long Covid, and by having had the current strain, that's all the more our antibodies are fortified for a future fight, assuming a new main variant doesn't appear. So that's been my first-person experience with Covid. Overall, I'm weathering it a lot better than I thought I would, but still, I'd rather not see the like of it again. 🤣

[messyworldxx]

Echoes of Memories: Transition of Pandemic Life to New Normal

I thought 2020 was going to be as planned, yet, it was a year full of surprises and unplanned happenings. February 4, 2020, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Arch Gabriel.

I was 19 that time and everything was new to me. Of course, as a first time mom, everything was overwhelming. I didn’t have a mom who could teach me things.

March 14,2020, there was news that there has been a virus called Corona Virus and needed to lock everything down for a week. Students and some are very happy because of course, no classes and work. But, there were lots of COVID cases and the lockdown needed to be extended. Everyone was curious, and kind of worried because people were not able to work and didn’t have money to support their everyday needs.

(ctto)

Meanwhile, I was recovering from giving birth and still getting used to being a mom and having a baby who is completely dependent on me. I was not able to go out for quite a while already and started to get very irritated with everything. Small things affected my mood big time and I cannot control how I react over things. Waking up every 2 hours to feed and change Arki’s diaper was getting exhausting for me. Washing the clothes, cleaning the house, and feeling imprisoned inside our house started to take away my happiness. I didn’t understand why I was acting that way when my one true dream since elementary came true, to become a mom. It was a long term dream of mine since I never had a mom growing up, I wanted to make my child feel and experience everything that I didn’t.

The news started to make me scared and anxious about everything. I was cleaning the house twice a day, washing my hands every hour and was very scared to go out. Mostly, I was scared that I was going to lose everyone due to the COVID outbreak. My father and I were always open about things. He was there when I could not control my tears and started crying non-stop. I did not sleep for three straight days because I was so scared that someone was going to die. I called Papa while crying, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t even speak and figured out the main reason why I was acting that way. Papa was very worried and kept on asking me what was happening until that same day, my OB Gynecology doctor told me that I might be experiencing Postpartum Depression. According to her, moms, especially the first time ones, mostly experience Postpartum Depression and it highly affects the mood of mothers.

I guess, having to spend a month inside our house without seeing anyone other than my baby made me feel like I was alone all throughout my journey of being a mom. Since that day, my Papa has become my comfort. Every time I feel like crying without any reason, I’ll just call him and he makes me feel comfortable and calm every time.

Fast forward to December of 2020, I was starting to get used to the routine of being a mom and having to stay inside the house due to COVID. Until, my aunt or godmother got sick unexpectedly and needed to be confined at Westlake Hospital. She had an infection with her blood and after a week, she died. She was my Papa’s first cousin and one of my favorite people. She was one of my second mothers and her death made me feel very sad. I was crying for a week and starting to ask God why it happened. I was questioning Him why my godmother, Ninang JJ, died. The thought of death scares me until today. It was 2 days after Christmas when she died, t’was the saddest holiday that I ever experienced. My Papa comforted me the whole time and explained to me that death doesn’t mean she left me, she will always be there looking over me. Until holidays passed, everything was starting to go back to normal, although we were still sad about the sudden passing of my godmother, we are now able to spend a day without crying.

My son, Archy, started learning new things, and babbling words like Mommy and Daddy. The experience of being a mother still excites me until now. His little achievements make me feel very proud. Yet, I still feel like there was a void inside me, my achiever self. I miss the achiever, studious, and active Nicole. I asked my Papa if I could go back to school. My father asked me to get my records and enrolled me again. I was very happy and thanked everyone, especially him.

It was a hot afternoon, the same day, when my stepmom called me and asked me to go to our house because apparently my father was having a high blood attack and didn’t want to go to hospital. She also asked me to buy medicine and I immediately left our house and went to the nearest pharmacy. It was the longest tricycle ride that I ever experienced. I felt like the time was so slow and it took a while for me to reach our house though it was just 5 minutes away. When I reached our house, I saw my father laying on the bed and he said “Oh, bakit ka nandito?” I said “Ayaw mo raw kasi magpadala sa hospital, halika na, hindi ka naman i-confine doon, para lang hindi na tayo kinakabahan.” He said okay and when he got up, he couldn't stand at all and I was very shocked. He was also mumbling the words when he spoke so I already knew that it was Stroke. I drove the car and we brought papa to the nearest hospital which is Evangelista Hospital. When we got there, everything was so fast. He got his CT scan and the doctors found out that there was bleeding on one part of his brain that is connected to his vital organs. He needed to be confined in the ICU, but since it was COVID the ICU was full during that time. The nurse set up an ICU at the emergency room. We were calling hospitals, hoping there would be a vacancy at their ICU, but there was none. We accepted the fact that he will be staying at the emergency room.

That night, April 28,2022, the doctor said he needed to be intubated because his oxygen is dropping already and I was the only one allowed to make decisions since I am already at the legal age and my mom was not there. I am an only child and came from a broken family, grew up with my Papa and we endured everything together. I asked the doctor if it was the only option and he said yes, so I signed the waiver and they intubated Papa. He was awake when he got intubated and I could hear him in pain during the procedure. I was praying and asking the Lord to comfort him. After that, I went to him and said “Papa, sorry ha? ‘Yan nalang daw kasi ang only option kaya ako nag yes. Laban tayo, Papa ha?” He couldn't react with his face but his foot was swaying back and forth and I knew that he was listening. My stepmom and I continuously assured him that we are there with him. I needed to go home because I needed to feed and prepare Archy for tomorrow since I knew that I would not be able to take care of him since Papa is in the hospital. I told Papa that I’ll be back. When I got back, the doctor was there checking on him. He was having a fever and about to have a heart attack when the doctor told me that he is now brain dead or comatose. He had no reactions and his body was withdrawing the medications that were given to him. The doctor’s exact words were “Sa sobrang critical po ni daddy, baka hindi na siya umabot mamayang hapon.” That exact moment I couldn’t feel anything at all. The doctor asked me if they will revive Papa if ever his heartbeat goes flat and I said no. Papa always wanted to have a peaceful death and no electricity at all. I immediately called our family and asked them to go there because of Papa’s condition. I went to Papa and whispered in his ears, “ Papa, hindi na po kita pinarevive ha? Alam ko nakikinig ka ngayon at alam ko na alam mo na mahal na mahal kita. Ikaw na po ang bahala, huwag mo ako alalalahanin kasi pinalaki mo ako na matapang, kaya ko ‘to.” A tear fell down on his left eye and I knew that he was still there, listening. I knew my Papa was listening to me that time, he was still with us. I couldn’t cry that time. All I could think about was I needed to be strong because Papa needs me. My aunts and uncles came and they bid their goodbyes to Papa one by one. When his last sibling bid her goodbye, his heartbeat went 5, 10, 15, but never flat. My other aunt said, “Kuya, okay na. Pahinga ka na, sino ba inaalala mo? Si Nicole, kami na ang bahala sa kaniya, hindi namin siya papabayaan.” After my aunt spoke the last word, his heartbeat went flat. I froze, it seemed like everything stopped. That exact moment, the only thing that was running in my mind was I am now alone.

I lost Papa, he left. He died. I hugged him until the St. Peter's staff came to get his body. I still can’t believe that he died. I couldn’t feel anything during that time. Honestly, I was in denial and when I saw him inside the coffin for the first time, I still cannot feel anything. I needed to sign papers for the funeral and such, I have a lot on my plate since I was the only one allowed to. People came and I was surprised to see that he had a lot of friends and people who loved him so dearly. Papa was the kindest person I knew but also the most introverted person. I did not expect that he would have a lot of friends. Everyone was saddened by his passing. I couldn't sleep that night, it felt so unreal. The second day of his burial, I kept on looking at him, making myself believe that it’s really him inside the coffin. Second night was the last night and that was the time that I cried. I cried very much because thinking that it would be the last night that I would get to spend with the person who became my anchor for 19 years, my person, my best friend, the person who never got tired of me, the only person who kept encouraging me and believing in me, My Papa. I cried non- stop and I kept calling him, asking him to wake up. The next day, everyone was very busy preparing for the funeral and I was there still crying. When we were at the cemetery and about to say our last goodbyes to Papa, I was really crying and shouting. It felt like my heart was going to explode because of what I was feeling. I lost my person, he is now gone and I cannot see him forever. That thought killed me, and it will always leave an empty space inside my heart.

 After that happened, everything never went back to normal. I still cry about him until today, remembering him and how he loved me so much still makes me miss him very much. I was so mad at my mom that time because she never came, even a glimpse, she did not say sorry to Papa for everything that she did. She was not there for me. I was all alone with Archy, my son. I kept asking God, “why me?” Why do I have to endure all this pain? What did I do wrong for Him to do all of these to me? I was so mad and felt like everyone was going to leave me. I pushed everyone away. It was still pandemic, so I used that time to isolate myself from everyone. I promised myself not to put myself back to that situation again wherein someone will leave me and I’ll feel broken and lost. As a result, I isolated myself.

Not until my 20th Birthday, May 16, 2021, my family greeted me and asked me if I would like to celebrate my birthday with Papa at the cemetery since it’s been almost a month since he died. I said yes, and started asking for help. I told them that I was not feeling well like I used to before. I told them about my thoughts, and my aunt who is in Canada asked me if I want to get checked by a Psychiatrist. At first, it was hard for me to say yes since I was in denial and I told myself that I am okay and I can do everything on my own. But then, my aunt said, “Hindi naman dahil nagpa-check ka ay baliw ka. You are okay and what you’re feeling is valid. You just need help to overcome those feelings kasi para sa anak mo rin at sarili mo. Archy needs you.” That was my wake up call, my son needs me. He needs a mom and I remembered my forgotten promise to never abandon my son and make him feel alone like what my mom did to me. All my life, I continuously lose the people that I love and because of that, I always felt like every time there is someone who genuinely loves and cares for me, they’ll also leave one day. I always felt like something bad was going to happen and that made me feel very anxious about my environment. The doctor prescribed me a sleeping pill which will help me sleep every time I can't. She also referred me to a counselor and the counselor asked me to write everything that I feel including my thoughts down to a notebook, and I did. I wrote everything from the anger that I am feeling for my mom, that I get scared that someone I love will leave again, that I felt alone since Papa died, that I still blame and doubt myself because of the decisions that I made when he was still in the hospital, that I question God why He is doing these things to me. I wrote everything down then I burned it.

After that, I realized like I never had to endure all the pain alone, I have people who continuously believe in me aside from Papa, I have Archy who needs and looks up to me. Then, I realized that everything has its purpose. Papa always wanted me to go back to school and after he settled my school fees, he died. Maybe, that was his last mission here on Earth. Second, I got pregnant early maybe because God knew that I needed someone whom I can hold on to and that will keep me going because Papa will die earlier than expected, and that’s my son, Archy. Everything that is happening around us has their own purposes and we should never question the Lord. I excelled at my subjects and joined competitions that I enjoy while also working at night and being a mom 24/7. The COVID virus is still in the Philippines together with its new variants, yet, the cases are slowly getting controlled and slowly getting back to normal. We are now allowed to go to malls, buy groceries without the need of a quarantine pass, but still need to be cautious with our actions since there is still a virus everywhere. I still miss Papa, but the thought of him being with Jesus without the feeling of any worry, pain, etc. makes me happy. I am indeed proud that he raised a strong, independent, and brave woman.

Looking back, maybe the reason why I needed to go through all the pain is for me to learn, discover, be stronger, and strengthen my faith with the Lord. I never knew that I could move on from all of the pain that I endured. However, thinking about what happened during the 2 years lockdown, everything was so fast. While the state of our country is going back to its normal routine before pandemic, the lessons that the COVID virus taught me are unforgettable. I really enjoy being a mom of a 2 years old beautiful baby boy, Archy. I am having fun being the Vice President Internal of a wonderful organization. I love working for my company. Lastly, I am enjoying the journey of being me. Life may not be perfect, yet it has a lot of lessons to learn. I may not have everything that I want, but I have all that I need. I may not get the highest grades in class, but there are lots of things that I am grateful for. I may not be the perfect mother, but my son is growing beautifully.

The pandemic may have left us with emptiness, broken hearts, painful memories, but it also left us with realizations and lessons that other situations can not. While things are slowly getting better, I will never forget how this pandemic changed my life. The pain is still here, especially the pain of losing Papa, but I know that slowly, everything will get better.

This is Nicole Aubrey Canarias. A mom, daughter, grandchild, niece, employee, student, and fighter. I survived throughout and I know that I always will. I will end this essay with a quote that I read in a book. It says, “I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.” Every challenge is an opportunity to learn and grow. Life is full of storms; it is your response to each storm that determines where you eventually end up. Keep on fighting, love. Life goes on and there are lots of things to be grateful for. 

[dex-starr]

In needless shit that I have to somehow deal with now -- I know I’ve mentioned my ex literally started ‘dating’ a friend of mine. What I left out is that person was going through relationship issues as well. They gave me the rationale of trying to help her out (after trying to help me out because literally this girl would not understand what I was trying to tell her) since I just got demoralized and shut the fuck up and shut down completely.

Well it gets a little more complicated than that you see, it turns out this started happening during the weird phase of breaking up but not officially broken up yet and telling each other that we still love each other. So why can’t we just try to make this work? That I’ll work on myself etc etc and we’ll reach our goals together to just give me patience bc I was having it real rough. So yeah that goes on a few months until late November -- she did confess she liked this person but loved me still. We’re still sending each other pictures of various levels of spicyness to just normal stuff, turns out she was also sending this other person those same pictures and other ones while telling me that the “love of her life” could turn out to be such a piece of shit, which yeah I can understand and agree with some of it still. The other parts I was called out on I have a far better understanding of why I did it. All the while we’re still doing the “I love you” dance, “but it didn’t work”. Telling me things that relationships aren’t for her and shit like that, all the while the situation with this friend was happening. I know I said after her, there’s nobody I would want. I’ve stuck to that, I tried a date on the advice of my therapist and my friend -- I was so uninterested and I realized that what I said then was true and not just me embellishing it. I don’t really want anyone, maybe it’ll change but before I dated her I didn’t want anyone either. She was just special to me and someone I felt the desire to love and protect.

 I never cheated on her, never sought another girl to give me what I want because my ex was too far from me, didn’t get personally attracted to other women, my heart never strayed from her. I just had severe mental health issues when it came to planning the move and getting it done -- executive dysfunction and rejection sensitive dysphoria working hand in hand to fuck me up on this basically. When my usage of social media became a problem, I stopped cold turkey completely to give her a peace of mind, I tried doing the best that I could for her. The worst thing I did was that I was not there for her when she needed me, 2021 was a terrible year overall even though we just saw each other in October and November of 2020. I was about to get my shit together to move because I had money for it and god did I fucking love the time with her even though there were some things that happened and some misunderstandings. I spent every moment not wanting to have to fly back to SoCal in the back of my head. If not moving I was planning to at least visit in May for her birthday and stay for a little while longer again and work on my grad app for MSU there since she kept me motivated, I can’t do that on my own that well unfortunately. Things didn’t work this way. I got sick with COVID around late January and I suffered through it -- it was a strong variant. I knew I had asthma still and my breathing was just completely screwed up -- my body was beaten up by stress I just thought. I wasn’t doing well after it hit when recovering

She was a big person on words of affirmation, I tried to change that about myself and do that more. I like to make my partner feel special, but I do it differently. The thing is now I understand why I “said the same things” or why it came off as disinterested -- that was the furthest thing I was. I wanted to live with this girl, I was just scared on getting it done. It’s a bigger move for me because I wanted to be on my feet and have our own place. I wanted to make sure I could contribute to that, or at least contribute to her folks’ bills since I’d be staying there with them and her.

Through this, I’m still fighting to get her to give me that chance because I know I messed up bad, but I also know that this phase wasn’t something normal for me and that my issues stemmed much deeper. I was just scared at the time to face them, especially since she’s on the other side of the country and that would make it so moving would get delayed -- but I had to do it. My argument was time isn’t as long as you think it is when we’re planning for what is a lifetime together. So things start to get more sour, I get called a lot of things. Reason being, I didn’t just move for her and her thinking I only do things for my mom and my dog and put them before her. I don’t -- I arranged my days around being with her. The errands I had to do were unavoidable or literally required shit like getting food mind you, but this was an issue. I told my friends that we had maybe 15-18 hour days together just talking, mostly on voice chat when I wasn’t visiting. Everyone has told me this was absurd, I didn’t see an issue with this because I enjoyed her company even though we could be doing different things in the same room. Even though I felt this way and reiterated so much of it, I kept on getting cut down because I still wanted her in my life, if she can’t occupy the same space she had or didn’t want to I was fine because I didn’t want to make this girl sad or hurt, I just wanted her happy. But she was beyond hurt still, so she kept on saying things that hurt deep while doing something that reminded me of the abusive relationship I was in before her. 

I was starting to lose steam completely, I stopped talking to her because my rejection sensitive dysphoria just told me I was a bother to her. She didn’t want to talk to me -- and I knew she was using my friend as a filler to fill the space I was in her life. This continues for a while but I know part of it is she’s just very hurt things fell apart. I am too. On Thanksgiving we talk about how she missed me and I missed her. We told each other we still loved each other, had a heart to heart. But we couldn’t figure out what to do, she was scared things would just go back to the status-quo which I get. I wasn’t on ADHD meds yet, my brain was still a mess. I was on a waitlist to be seen by my psychiatrist to get properly assessed. Despite all the things we felt, I can see why she had her doubts. 

We still talk and continue the heart to heart and the conversation just ends abruptly. We don’t talk for a few days until she sends me a meme which I thought was normal -- we do that all the time, sometimes they aren’t the nicest things because I can joke about whats wrong with me, it gives me power over it. So I send one back kind of leaning into the other one the ol’ “they don’t call it trash can’t because trash can!” classic. After a few minutes I think it through and ask if I say those things for real still kind of joking but half into a rejection sensitive dysphoria bout. It bugs me to the point where I dwell and think on it a lot because we had that deep conversation and not even a few days later I get this. I ask upfront if it was meant as a joke or as something else meant to dig at me. Said that I took it matter-of-factly, said I wasn’t upset I just didn’t know what it meant and if it was a dig then maybe we’re at a different place in our respective minds about each other. Told her upfront I talked about this in therapy and with my friends, with the implication that I got hurt by it. Clarified I wasn’t trying to confront her on things, because I felt I had no right to. Told her I still missed her and cared about her “and all that” with the implication that yeah dude I still love you. Fuck dude I even said sorry for bugging about how I was feeling. The only thing I get is that “you gotta admit it’s pretty funnily accurate”. (I got the context that it was in order to be hurtful later on by someone else who was there when she talked about sending it to me). 

 This is where I broke completely. My last words for a month are saying “If you say so” so then I just talk to her on Christmas because obviously I’m thinking of her. How could I not? Send her a message on New Years, to nothing. I found out why a few months later, she moved on from my friend to someone else apparently. I mean her choices and if she’s happy and all that. I just thought it would’ve been me with her during New Years last year again, I thought things could get fixed. So yeah it did make me sad -- does still make me sad. She claims she just started dating him, but there are a lot of things people have told me that I didn’t even ask to know because I cut her out and didn’t message her even though I wanted to.  I just couldn’t do it anymore though, I got suicidal during these months even with therapy, I wasn’t on meds yet that were helping. I was talking about a lot of heavy things and how bad this relationship ending made me feel. I just felt like shit, I could’ve been better so we don’t fall apart I told myself. I stopped eating, I started abusing alcohol and pain pills on top of just being on a massive amount of weed too. I needed to get better, unfortunately she was making me worse. Which is ironic, because she used to say this often but she wasn’t doing that then.

 I’m a lot better now, but I’ve been stuck in a constant state of grieving. Grieving for the relationship I’d have done anything for, but also for myself because of dealing with ADHD and just knowing how severe I have it. How it impacts every part of my life, understanding what it was I was going through mentally. It all sucks. It’s funny thought, that friend came back into my life because I cut them out too, thing is the at least had the heart to tell me what was said about me and what was done in the time we were falling apart to the inevitable end. She claims to this person otherwise, but you see the timeline doesn’t add up and this man is petty on a level that I am not. Plus, he doesn’t love you and barely even likes you as a friend and even less as person -- they just won’t tell you that because they like to hold onto things like that to “drop the hammer” so-to-speak. But yeah the timeline being different than what was said makes me hurt more, I know I shouldn’t. I really loved this girl though, still do. I shouldn’t, but my brain is stuck. The saddest part about this to me is this dude literally would release nudes to “teach someone a lesson” and ideologically they’re completely against what me and my ex stood for. But I’ve heard that her ideals became a contradiction too. All these things I heard just make me wonder what is real now and I never did that before. I took everything as being real, as it being from the heart. The seeds of doubt are disgusting when they finally do sprout. Hell I still love this girl, I really shouldn’t. I accepted her flaws and all when we were together -- would still do so but there would have to be a lot of talking about things. Doubt that’ll happen as she is now saying that everything said during these times was only platonic and I misunderstood. Receipts don’t lie and intention doesn’t lie, I don’t see a reason to lie about that. We gave each other four years and expected a lifetime. Why lie to that person in order to make you come out good? That just puts so many questions into my head. Just because maybe you did love me then doesn’t necessarily mean that this person would be hurt by that. Hell, it doesn’t give me any power if you admit it. You said it, you can say what you want to. I can say it right now, I love you. Unfortunately, things are very complicated and that fact does not change things that happened; only talking about it would do something. But you make your choices and I’ll make my choices, like I’ve always said I am here if you want to reach out. If you don’t, well then you don’t want to and that is okay too.

good ol’ ADHD making me make something I intended to make short a fucking essay. god I hate my brain lol.

[pandemic-info]

I have been extremely careful about infections during the whole pandemic, at first due to the many unknowns, then when my wife was diagnosed with an advanced metastatic melanoma in September 2020 and was immunocompromised, and I continued being careful since her death in December

In 2020 we quarantined our groceries and washed our bananas early on, and once we understood airborne transmission, we started masking with N95s, then elastomerics, cleaning the house air and monitoring air quality. It has prevented all of us from getting sick for over 30 months.

But then all restrictions were dropped, disinformation became mainstream and fantasy the living style of the majority, so the day arrived in late September when covid made it into my household. Someone got a ‘cold’ from their child and thought it was unnecessary to disclose it.

They came to my house, asymptomatic, wore a mask incorrectly, and one of my kids got infected despite filters, masks and no symptoms from source. The next day the person told me they had symptoms, but it was just a ‘cold’.

They got tested, and to their surprise, not mine, were a fast and furious positive on a rapid antigen test. We were contacts, although low risk (masks and filters) so we started masking at home, in case one of us was infected. 3 days after the contact my son had symptoms.

He tested positive on a PCR and on the RAT. He got his third booster 9 days before contact. He had a sore throat, cough and fever for 6 days, and still had low grade fever on day 7. He tested positive on RATs every day since (9 days do far) but no symptoms on days 8 and 9.

He was still positive on PCR on day 8, but through masking, air filtering and isolation during meals and mask breaks, we have avoided getting infected (myself and his 2 siblings).

How? We sleep in separate spaces with doors closed an air filter in all rooms. In addition, the infected kid uses a separate bathroom, his room is ventilated with a slightly open window all the time, and we all wear elastomeric masks when in shared spaces.

My kids and I play, talk and watch tv together wearing masks and with CR Box in the center of the room - pulling our air and shooting clean air it up. Bathroom fans are on all day and HVAC ventilation fan running non-stop too. Kitchen exhaust is on 30 min every hour.

Windows open just a crack most of the time. I serve the meals in separate rooms. It’s exhausting, but it’s working. Our RATs never turned positive and yesterday we repeated PCRs and continue negative. We may have brushed this off.

Infections are not inevitable, even within the same household. And they are not inevitable in classrooms and shared spaces. The risk is high, but ventilation and good masks work. The evidence is clear, and I hope this anecdote helps illustrate it. Until now it worked.