#african grey parrot brain

[tiktokparrot]

African Grey Parrots: Unlocking Their Genius and Emotional Intelligence!

Discover the incredible world of African Grey Parrots in this in-depth video! These highly intelligent and emotionally sensitive birds are known for their remarkable ability to mimic human speech, but there’s so much more to them.

In this video, we’ll dive into the science behind their intelligence, their emotional needs, and what makes them one of the most fascinating pets to own. Stay tuned as we unlock the secrets behind their genius and learn how to care for these magnificent creatures.

[bomberqueen17]

the gay dolphins are too powerful

yesterday i was facing the facts that i do need to actually work out the technical mcguffins in this novel. like, i have some vague notion that there's a problem with the radio network because of solar flares and our heroes are going to... somehow... fix it. idk.

plot and worldbuilding wittering behind the cut

this was the main plot in the solarpunk mammoths novel too, and i had a vague notion that a problem on such a global scale as that would need to like. it would need to be solved by more than one person. and so my nebulous notion is that possibly several sets of characters could work on it in these loosely-connected novels where really i'm just exploring different ecosystems.

idk i just-- y'all know about the Turkey City Lexicon right? I got it as a hand-out in college creative writing class and of course it reshaped my brain, but. one of the Tropes To Beware they've got is the Cozy Catastrophe, which is startlingly prevalent and once you see it you can't unsee-- "the world is ending! all of humanity will die! unless... Jeff and Suzy, you're our only hope!" and our two everyman protagonists somehow are the only resources the entire world can muster and honestly the entire world seems to consist of one American city block with about three hundred people in it at most. Hm.

so i was like yah this catastrophe is way too cozy.

meanwhile i forget how it came up but @sonnetsandsinging, helpfully spitballing, said something about space whales and i was like

OMG in a world with genetically-engineered mammoths with radio collars that translate their brain waves to allow them to speak in human language it is ABSURD that they are the only species of animal that has been given this treatment

so like. what other animals do we try to talk to all the time besides elephants?

DOLPHINS

so now this world has genetically-engineered dolphins with brainwaves-to-speech dorsal fin attachments. like duh of course it does. i can't believe I hadn't thought of that.

there should be other animals too but i can't decide which ones, currently taking submissions. What Else Should Slightly-Disconcertingly Speak.

(My criteria: should be an animal intelligent enough to have successful communication with humans already, something relatively long-lived, something that couldn't use sign language or other methods already. My concept, which is not scientific really, is that it's been well-studied that while many animals have complex communication systems, humans are the only ones whose brains are structured specifically for language, so the Magic Fictional Science here is that they've had that ability genetically-engineered in, but of course the physical production of human-intelligible language is beyond the physical structure of most animals, hence the brainwave-interface collars. which btw could also be used on profoundly disabled humans, and that might be a plot point at some point; i do have some disabled characters in this story. I know I researched those like, communication board things that nonverbal humans can use and I settled on Magical Radio-Networked Interfaces that speak out loud instead for the simple expedient of streamlining things because like how is a mammoth going to carry a communication board around that it can like get out and point at. how is a dolphin going to carry anything. so, this is just where I ended up.)

(I was thinking parrots but then parrots wouldn't need the collar because they can actually make human-speech noises on their own. so that's a fun variation. maybe in this world african grey parrots actually just talk.)

Anyway back when I first started the solarpunk mammoths novel I researched Asian elephants a lot and studied their social structures and read up on their physical abilities etc., so in between trying to find out how radio waves and semiconductors work (i get the radio waves thing & think i have my mcguffin sorted out but semiconductors made my eyes glaze over and then begin weeping so i gave up) (also supercapacitors i don't understand u sorry bye) (do i know any electronics engineers who want to explain this in normal languages? shit i do know a chemical engineer maybe she knows. heck) ... ok i wandered away from this post to text her and then forgot i was making it. i did not get a lot of sleep last night the amphetamines are not being kind this go-round but i must continue the experiment. uhhhhh where was i

GAY DOLPHINS

too powerful

Yeah so I started researching dolphins, because if I'm going to have named-and-speaking dolphin characters, I need to know a little bit about how they work.

Now I have a slight head-start on this, just as I did on mammoths. Mammoths, I've been obsessed with since I was a toddler. But dolphins. For a while I used to go to SCA camping events and there was this guy who used to be a Navy diver and then worked for Sea World and he. well he was really good at telling stories, was his deal. And he had Seen Some Shit, and some of that shit was about interacting with dolphins. And the thing about dolphins is that. Well, they're violent little chaos gremlins, and just in the course of going about their normal lives, one of the things they do to interact with the world is, well. they have sex with things.

when they do this to people it is generally not a positive experience for the person. but. so i knew that going in. and most of the information on the internet about dolphins is really like. earnest and loving and whatever, which is great. but the thing is that dolphins are chaos gremlins who will fuck anything they can't eat, eat anything they can't fuck, or sometimes do both to the same unfortunate object if it proves to be possible.

what i'm saying is, these are going to be really entertaining characters to work with. because elephants, conversely, do not have recreational sex. they do a lot of things, but they just don't really do that. so dolphins are like. inverse-elephants, culturally.

Elephants also tend to have a strong matriarch, strong bonds between females, and then the males tend to be largely solitary, but will congregate more loosely, often around an older male who will teach them manners. (A well-mannered bull is MUCH more likely to be allowed to mate with desirable females, who have little patience with male foibles.)

Dolphins have looser gender roles; on the whole, the females tend to loosely congregate, and pregnant females usually go back to their mother's pod to birth and raise young, not dissimilar to elephants, but the males--

male dolphins very, very frequently will pair-bond. Two males of similar age-- adult males have very little to do with juveniles of either sex, generally-- will pair-bond and will be inseparable for the rest of their lives. If one of them dies, the other will mourn-- mourning behavior is well-documented in dolphins-- and then will seek to pair off with another adult male, because male dolphins prefer to work in pairs, for survival and companionship. (Dolphin "pods" are also more loosely-organized than elephant herds; dolphins will have a couple of core companions, but then will freely associate and disassociate with other individuals and groups over short periods of time without much fuss, depending on the situation.)

The pair-bonded males are the ones who in the wild do the behavior you see in shows, where they do like synchronized jumps and very-close fast-precise swimming and such, which in the wild are apparently courtship or threat displays-- i.e. "look how tight we are, you can't fight us" or, alternately, "isn't that hot" because

yes that's often how they court females. The pair will corral a desirable female and herd her away from other dolphins so they can both mate with her, and keep her from mating with anybody else.

(other females have been observed collaborating to free a corralled female who did not want this to happen, so it's not quite as rapey as it sounds. though, i mean. dolphins. what can you do.)

anyway dolphin threesomes are canon. but that derailed the rest of my night and i was unable to concentrate on anything else because the gay-- I should say really bisexual dolphins are too powerful.

so anyway i wrote a test scene with a dolphin character, and i had my main character take his wife and baby down to the jetty to introduce them to his dolphin pals, and a bonded male pair he'd known for years showed up and immediately tried to steal the wife, and then expressed shock that he didn't have his male best friend with him, because in their experience breeding was THEE most important time to have your buddy with you. He explains that his buddy is off on a long-term work assignment, and they're like hmph next time you breed you MUST include him, it is so much easier trust us. and the wife is like hmmmmm!

henceforth i will refer to m/m/f threesomes as "dolphin style" you're welcome

[arsenicflame]

silly Izzy situation: he gets a parrot.

HE GETS A PARROT OH THIS GAVE ME BRAIN WORMS

-Stede is the one to get him the parrot- something about how hes got the wooden leg he has to complete the look? honestly izzy wasnt listening, stede was using his excited voice and izzys learnt he can zone out a bit when he gets like that. there was a hat too but that went to someone else Real quick (the parrot was trying to eat it anyway)

-i know nothing about parrots but im gonna say stede gets him an African grey. it's the goth-est parrot and they're Friends Now, hes got to give a gift that fits in with izzys Look

-when stede gives it him he protests LOUDLY but when stede gets all sad and says he will return him izzy draws a knife. wtf you can't return my gift Stede

- the parrot learns to say fuck REAL quick

-izzy learns bird care from buttons, obviously- izzy is Rules autistic he needs to know How you look after his pet. he is super rigorous with following the rules and at least one crew member has faced a tirade for feeding him something bad

-the bird rides everywhere on his shoulder. frenchie makes him a little pad so his claws don't scratch izzys leathers and so he can grip better

-he starts stroking the bird as a comfort (in Correct places, thank u buttons) he doesn't notice hes doing it but everyone else does. lucius has a sketch

-you know how some pets are like? exactly like their owners? yeah. this is the grumpiest fucking parrot and they are perfect together. he only likes izzy. after a while he mimicks izzy yelling at the crew and nobody knows what to do they all just. stare. izzy laughs.

- the parrot spends a little too much time with the swede somehow (jackies? izzy & jackie friendship my beloved i will force you in anywhere) and picks up his singing. its. something. they end up using it on raids as part of a fuckery. two haunting tones to create a sense of unreality, of being surrounded.

-i didn't give the parrot a name here because i genuinely believe izzy wouldnt give it a name, hed just call it 'the parrot', occasionally 'my parrot' when drunk. the crew call it mini Izzy.

(buttons asked the parrot its name)

-someone once gave the parrot a knife because they thought itd be funny. we do not talk about the parrot knife incident.

[pro-exotics]

I was browsing my bookmarks, and found a good one that I didn't remember... and that turned out to be gone. I ran it through the Wayback Machine, and turns out the site has been down for a few years.

So, for my own sake and for posterity, I am posting it here, because it is useful information.

How to Go Cage Free

Tara Hurlin

I have been researching the care of companion parrots ever since they captured my interest at age 18. Now at age 30, I run a small rescue out of my home that specializes in special needs birds, including parrots with behavioral issues and some with what would consider depression. I take pride and enjoyment out of offering a variety of fresh healthy foods daily, rotating toys a couple times a week, and spending one-on-one time with each of them. Lets put it this way: I never shower alone!

But even after doing all of that, I still felt that I needed to do more. They seemed happy, but something was still off. I visited the Foster Parrots, Ltd. sanctuary in 2013. At first, I thought it was going to be a sad experience; there are around 500 parrots in their care. But when I arrived to see all of the huge free-flight setups, I discovered how happy those birds actually were. It was then that it hit me: I need to find a way to eliminate as many cages as I can.

Even if they are born in captivity, parrots are wild at heart. They are not domesticated animals; their brains are not wired for life in a cage. Depending on the bird, some think of their cage as a safe place to go to sleep and eat, but others act out, get depressed or start feather picking from boredom. The huge, most important part to consider when thinking about going cage free is (pay attention): You must know your bird, and if you have a flock, you absolutely must know your flock.

It took about a year for my rescue, Hurlin’s Parrot Rescue, to convert to going mostly cage free, and we are still changing things weekly. Keep in mind that we have a flock of 20, and it is a slow process because I allowed everyone to adjust at their own pace. In the beginning, I built jungle gyms hanging from the ceiling out of untreated manila rope. I hung a variety of toys, and they used that as a supervised playtime area – supervised so I could learn who may get along with who, or who was going to be a issue with other birds.  As an important note: The large birds such as the Macaws are always kept in separate rooms, the Cockatoos in another separate room, and then the Amazons and African Greys in another.

The next step was to add large hanging perches made out of bird safe woods such as poplar, maple, untreated but de-barked pine, and Manzanita wood. It is important to hang all items with either stainless steel chain or plastic chain, depending on your birds (many will chew plastic chain).  I installed dishes directly to the stands and hung toys from the chain so they could reach them. Who got to try out their cage free setup first was based upon each individual’s behavior during the supervised playtime trials.  For example, I started with the more shy birds that would need more time to establish their territory, let them get situated, then moved on to the Timneh African Greys who had already established their flock. All the while, I routinely weighed each bird to make sure they were maintaining their weight and not losing due to any stress that may be associated with the big changes. My flock personally had no weight concerns during the transition, but better safe than sorry.

[missing image] When choosing your chain, also make sure that it is safe for little birdie feet. There are certain types known to trap toes.

Meanwhile in the Macaw room, I hung all five of their ceiling play stands in the same day and moved the cages out. Shower curtains were also hung on the walls to assist in their giant poops and food flinging. I did this transition more suddenly because everyone was already used to each other; most had been in the same room for over a year. There is one handicapped Green wing Macaw in this flock, Paco, whose feet were so badly injured that they are paralyzed. Even she is cage-free: I made a play stand that works for her from hula-hoops wrapped in fleece fabric. This works wonderfully, since she is unable to climb or perch, she would just sit in the bottom of a cage all day and crawl through any poop. I had to wash her blankets and bathe her daily. Now she just aims her butt off of the play stand and poops on the papers like everyone else, usually with a little happy dance afterwards!

[missing image] Even handicapped birds have the potential to live cage free, like Paco the Green Wing Macaw.

During the transition, only a few problems occurred: My Scarlet Macaw, Booboo, who is normally a high-anxiety bundle of nerves and plucks herself accordingly, did pluck her feathers during the first week of the change. Aside from being more nervous than usual, she otherwise seemed happier than normal and in bright spirits, and even began to play with toys – something I never saw her do before. She has now fully adjusted and stopped plucking (until another hormone season comes around, most likely).

There are four birds who unfortunately can never be cage-free, but I found this out in the very beginning during supervised play times. One is our male Eclectus, who puts a lot of effort into chasing down the Amazons, and in turn his friend Velvet also cannot be cage free, because she will find a dark corner and get “nesty”, which is something that we avoid here. The Eclectus species also has different dietary needs. Another caged bird is Toby, our “hot” yellow-nape Amazon, but that was common sense and expected, as he is highly hormonal to the point of unpredictable attacks. And the fourth is Buddy the Red Lory for obvious reasons: he’s a completely different species with different dietary needs, and he is a little guy that could easily get hurt.

About three-to-four months after switching to cage free, there is one bird in particular, Spooky the Timneh African Grey, who began to claim to entire room as his territory and bully the other birds, so as a precaution he maintains a cage while we are not home, but the door is opened at all times when we are home. His setup may or may not go back to cage free again in the future. This is a great example of how flock dynamic can change over time, and you as the caretaker have to be prepared to make any changes that come with it. For me, that was regretfully adding one more cage to the bird room, making five cages total – not bad at all if you consider the flock of 20.

I often get the question of “what if a bird gets adopted, or needs to join the flock?” Similar steps will be taken if another bird is relinquished to our rescue and has the possibility of going cage free. Of course, we maintain our quarantine procedures; our quarantine room is an entirely separate room from any of the other bird rooms. Then, once we are positive the new bird is healthy, he or she is brought into the bird room in a cage to gage reactions from the flock and the newbie. From there, the new bird can move to an open-cage status, then possibly cage free. It is important to note that the majority of birds that are easily adoptable into approved homes will not transition to our cage-free flock. This will avoid stress on them if they find a new family, and it will prevent stress on our own flock. With every bird that comes and goes, the flock is affected and the dynamic changes. We take the time to get to know each bird before making any decisions – as much time as it takes. It is our responsibility to do what is in the individual’s best interest, and for our existing flock.

As for maintaining the cage free setup, new toys, swings, boings and other perches are hung and changed out regularly to keep everyone busy. Most of the birds are flighted and will explore the room, but they always return to their “safe spot” on their own play stands for food, water or sleep (with the exception of a few that prefer sleeping up on the ropes). 

[missing image] It's important to keep your flock busy by adding random foraging areas and rotating toys.

I wish that I could tell everyone that eliminating cages was all sunshine and rainbows – a piece of cake – but it takes a lot of thought and even more work! It may not be for every flock, and I can’t make that decision for you because only you can truly know your birds. Only you know what your setup is capable of and what is realistic for you.

What I can say is that I have no regrets. I have never seen my birds happier. The sparkle in their eyes shines brighter; they chatter more and interact with each other more, even just vocally from across the room. The vibe in the room is much more lively and happy, and I no longer feel the guilt of seeing so many cages lined up around the walls like little jail cells.  A few birds in particular have completely turned around: for example, Ariel, a bird who was locked in a cage for ten years and very difficult to handle due to her mood swings (I self-diagnosed her as being bipolar with possible depression), now constantly asks for me to hold her and accepts preening, almost to the point of cuddling. The first time she did this is a moment I will never forget; it was the kind of moment that reminds a rescuer why they rescue in the first place. Tears of joy filled my eyes. Another change happened in my African Greys, Shelby and Remy. With the cage-free setup they go wherever they please, and that often involves following me wherever I am in the house, which is something I love. They fly back down to their rooms when they decide it is bedtime. Their confidence has become higher from having that independence.

[missing image] Ariel is a more emotionally stable bird after going cage free.

Another perk for me personally, aside from the happy aura radiating throughout my bird rooms, is that this setup is very low maintenance compared to having cages. I spend less time scrubbing cages bars and bottom grates, which means I can enjoy more time interacting with the flock. What used to take a full day to clean now only takes a couple of hours – and that is a full on OCD bird room scrub down. We have leftover rolls of 48” wide paper donated by our local newspaper distributor. The paper is cut into large sections to completely cover the floors in each room. Smaller sections are laid over the main paper for the extra poopy spots for ease of changing it, and it makes the larger portion last longer. I sweep daily, and I wipe the walls and change papers in their entirety a couple times per week.

[missing image] Be prepared to sacrifice your wood trim... And doors!

I still continue to make changes to the bird rooms, and this will be an ongoing thing. Another large phase that will take place in spring/early summer 2016 is switching out all of the wood trim for tile or stainless – whichever I find the most cost effective (or the least ugly). Lucky for the flock, I didn’t care for the wood trim we had in those rooms, anyway!

[missing image] A glimpse of the mostly cage-free setup. Buddy the Red Lory's cage is to the left, and to the right (not pictured) are the other two cages for Velvet and Shifu, and Toby.

[missing image] Another shot of the same bird room showing the other two cages. An air filter and backup heat (vented to the outside) is also in the photo.

Main Points for going cage free:

Know your birds.

Be patient and observant.

Weigh your birds regularly to make sure they are maintaining weight and health.

Be prepared to make changes as flock dynamics change.

Adjust with the flock; you are part of it.

You better not care about your trim or possible furniture in the room, or have plans to change to un-munchable trim, like tile.

Keep them busy by changing out perches, toys and foraging activities. It’s like having a caged setup, but on a larger scale with no bars, so you have to get creative.

Enjoy watching your flock be a flock, and take pride in being part of it.

[the-keep-under-gresit]

Get to know the blogger

Many thankies for the tag, @ruiniel

:D :D :D :D

Share your wallpaper:

I too be a simp-le person. 😜 (Normally go with whatever I'm currently hyper fixating on, but at the moment I'm not entirely certain what that is... so, Al it stays for now 😁)

Last song you listened to: Allstar - Smash Mouth (Ah, catchy nostalgia on loop)

Currently reading: Trying to catch up on fanfics... Brain making it arduous. 😵

Last movie: Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind (Had to cut it short cause I started nodding off - long day 😴)

Last TV show: Pokemon Ultimate Journeys (have to wait for the next episodes to be dubbed)

Craving: Busy eyeing the Tex chocolate next to me. 👀

What are you wearing right now: Long navy and turquoise pyjama top (it has unicorns on eet 🦄), white tracksuit pants, and light blue socks with 'lil penguins on dem. Ultra comfort clothes FTW!

How tall are you: 5'1'' ft (Yes, I'm short)

Piercings: None.

Tattoos: None.

Glasses or contacts: Neither.

Last drink: Rooibos tea.

Last thing you ate: Cheesy Doritos and rice cakes with butter. (Ah, so healthy 😋)

Favorite color: Blue. All shades.

Current obsession: Hard to say at the moment. Maybe Pokemon, but with a sprinkling of Beyblade and Castlevania here and there too. It's weird, and honestly contributing to the current state of feeling lost and almost depressive. I need to obsess over something or else I die inside. 😵

Any pets:

*Clears throat*

Cosmo. African Grey Parrot. Presumably male. Age 5 years. Always up to no good. Good talker. My baby.

Gringo. Blue-crowned conure. Presumably male. Around 20 years. LOUD! Full of bull. Loves to call everyone an ass. Also my baby.

Neera. Leopard gecko. Female. Around 15 years. Can do no wrong, just a 'lil gal. Also baby. ALL MY BABIES!

And for whatever reason, my phone does not want to show the photos of the others, but also have a male yellow cockatiel (Rango) aged 15 yrs, and 3 lady doggos (Misty, Kelsey and Roxy) all Border collie x's, ages 16, 13 and 4 yrs.

Favorite fictional character: Let's make that characters cause you can't have just one: 😁

Anime~

Shiron, Ranshiin, Greedo (Legendz: Tale of the Dragon Kings)

Kai, Tala, Bryan (Beyblade [2000/Bakuten Shoot])

Kyuzo (Samurai 7)

Ponyta/Rapidash, Mewtwo, Lugia, Treecko/Grovyle/Sceptile, Riolu/Lucario (Pokemon) [Throwing in Lance as fav human character]

Sebastian (Black Butler)

Levi (Attack on Titan)

Hisoka (Hunter x Hunter)

Toons/Animated Series~

Alucard (Castlevania [Netflix])

Leonardo (TMNT [2003/2007/Bayverse])

Ripster (Street Sharks)

Ridge, Haxx, Bullseye (Extreme Dinosaurs)

Allo (Dinosaucers)

Cheetor, Dinobot (Transformers: Beast Wars/Beast Machines)

Aaaaand we'll cut it off there, or else I'll be here all night. 😅

The last place you traveled: Bathurst, for their yearly Agricultural show on Friday. Literally a fifteen drive away, but I'm counting it. 😋

And now I shall tag.... @hellovivirose and @fuckiecheeses if you want to do it. 😄No pressure whatsoever.

[system-of-a-feather]

A small tip of perspective for those that struggle to navigate their own needs but are animal lovers / pet parents, try to approach yourself and your needs (and for systems, parts and system needs) as if you were trying to understand a specific needs profile of a breed / version of the pet aren't the most aware of and don't have the ability to look up. I don't know how well this applies to non-dog/bird species, but largely in birds and dogs, there is a large variety of needs depending on the species / breed you get and even within species and breeds. What one needs is going to be drastically different from the other

What sort of enrichment is necessary to make this animal happy and able to live to the most of their natural behavioral capabilities? What sort of social exposure and activity does this animal need to meet their needs and make sure they have an enriched life? What have they been eating? Has it been one same meal over and over again beyond the point of enjoying it still? When was the last time things were changed up? When was the last time they were bathed or given the opportunity to see something new?

Largely our system is a bird, and like any bird, you really can't keep them in a cage all day so we have system rules that we should try to leave the house every day for at least an hour and preferably go somewhere that has something to look at that we haven't done in a while. We call this the "Fly the Coop" time and its just a general welfare rule. Treat the bird in our brain like the bird it is and give it it's "outside time" because not giving a bird that would be very bad for them.

We also are a parrot to be specific so it is very important to give us something to work on, a puzzle to figure out, and active mental stimuli and enrichment. We have a very high curious and drive to learn and figure things out, so like any particularly curious parrot, its important to lay out a number of activities, problems, and puzzles for us to figure out and build on - as a result it is important for us to always have a list of skills and problem solving and creation related things availible for us to engage with.

We are also very social but we aren't so much the active cuddler (save for specific parts) and active affectionate type, so much as we are more around the ways of an African Grey or Cockatiel that needs passive company and benefits from a mutually engaged environment; so it is important to have people (or birds for our case as it fills the need) around us doing their own thing and even better if they are also engaged as it lets us relax in an engaged state. Mutual engagement is one of the solid bonding activities. Additionally, we fill our social needs often in the form of social bathing, social eating, and general social cleaning / preening, so when possible, its good to put ourselves in environments where others are doing similar and/or bring our close people and our birds into those activities with us.

Routine is highly important to us as well which again is a good parallel to parrots so we keep that in mind.

With the general frame work, we can really easily apply a mental check list / needs list by largely applying a "welfare and needs" marker for a "non-existant parrot" and apply that to ourselves so rather than trying to figure out what "We Need", we can just make sure we have made sure the parrot need profile in our head has been met.

Largely following the general caresheet for the specific type of parrot that we are has honestly led to a lot better self care and day to day management of our mental, psychological, and physical health so its a perspective thing I do recommend.

[stanley-cryptid-co]

Part 2 HeadCanons MySt: Gene & Dante

I love these two and I would die for them. /hj As much of a red flag Gene is, I'm fixing him... kind of. Not really. Dante deserves so much better than he got, and wow the issues. Dante, my man. He has issues. Gene does too and a lot of Dante's issues are because of Gene. Dante has had to deal with Gene being the focus of attention because Gene has a lot of personality disorders that made him dangerous and terrifying. Dante's parents divorced when he and Gene were rather young, and his father tried to love-bomb him into staying. He didn't, he decided to live with his mom because he loved her and Gene. Dante and Gene are both dream-eating vampires, because why not? They have to bite someone's neck, kinda connecting to the brain and heartbeat, and they can feed off of the dream. The kind of dreams they eat also influences their moods in the morning and sometimes for the day. Dante has a fear of people leaving and constantly seeks approval because he wants to be noticed by others. I also think he's much more of a nerd than he leads on. Definitely plays D&D... He's a DM and DMs for Garroth and Laurance, sometimes Zane. Dante also doesn't know that senior year of highschool, he accidentally got Nicole pregnant, and she kept the baby(Dmitri). Eventually when he finds out (6 years later), he's going to freak out because that baby could have so many mental problems, be a vampire, or have his fatal peanut allergy. Dante also has two birds, one a blue budgie named R2D2 and the other a cockatiel named 3CPO (NERD). Gene has a lot of personality disorders. NPD, BPD, and OCD specifically. He suffers from a lot of intrusive thoughts and has a really hard time abstaining from the thoughts. He's also a dream vampire, and since he lives with Sasha and Zenix he can technically eat off of them whenever he wants, but he prefers to stay away from Zenix's weird ass dreams. In the SK household, they've all got enough problems that they get a little dixie cup full of medication that they have to take. Zenix insists on having one even though he only has one or two medications. Gene has a bird name Marilyn Manson Monroe, or MMM for short. They call her Monroe half of the time and she's an African Grey parrot. Gene got her when she was 60 and he was 17, so he has seen a lot of her. Gene has also been to prison for arson, the mental hospital three times when he was younger and once when he got out of prison. He got into therapy once he was out of the mental hospital for the fourth time. He did not have a fun time when he was older, espeically when he was older. He's doing a lot better and trying to fix his faults. There was a time that Sasha, Zenix, and Gene went to a bar, and when they were leaving Zenix made the joke that they were going to the "grippy sock place" Gene was drunk, meds wearing off, and terrifed he punched Zenix twice and tried to stop Sasha from driving. Luckily they didn't die, but Zenix had a black eye and a bloody nose for a while.

[moreclaypigeons]

Things my new URL relates to:

The mountain goats. I stole it from a line in idylls of the king, "This day, full of promise and potential / More clay pigeons for you and me."

The lyric refers to a sport where they shoot flying targets called clay pigeons- it was once a competition to shoot live pigeons but was replaced with clay disks. The clays nowadays keep their name but are made of a mix of pitch and limestone, at least according to Wikipedia. It's amazing, the name is the remnants of what used to be there, history that's long gone but remembered by our language. Those are my favorite kind of words.

I love to make art! And to admire art! The idea of a clay sculpture of a pigeon is so endearing. I think I should make one someday.

Aside from its use as an artistic medium, clay is really useful. It's maleable but it still hardens strong - something I value. The ability to change, to be changed, but stand firm in your ground.

I really like birds. I am not a birdwatcher or an ornithologist by any means, but they just fascinate me. My mom and cousin hate birds, like, they are deathly afraid of them. And then there is me.

My love for birds came about in seventh grade, when my teacher made a point to teach us about birds. As part of our curriculum, we went on field trips and made "field guides" on a few species from whatever region we were going to. There was always, always, a bird in the mix. So when we did a unit specifically on birds, we had a project where we did a dive into one aspect of their nature, and I got a chapter about their amazing brains. I remember it focused -of course- on corvids and African grey parrots, but when it got to navigation, it used a pigeon as an example.

Pigeons are the most common bird for you to see. Totally mundane animal that a lot of people think of as pests. But they are clever and they are beautiful. I think we take them for granted.

Because of my love for pigeons, and also because of a certain NPC from a certain dungeons and dragons podcast, I chose Pigeon to be my "camp name" for my summer job as a camp leader. I got used to kids yelling "pigeon!" in excitement, or repeating it in want of attention. Pigeon is the part of me who is responsible, kind, driven, determined, and also silly and fun.

More clay. More flexibility, more creativity, more reliability. More pigeons. More fun, more love, more strength. More clay pigeons. More of today that doesn't forget what we lost yesterday. More days full of promise and potential.

[pan-flute-skeleton]

🥰 and 🎲 for Vivi and Kari if you woud like :)

🥰 - What pet names do their partner(s) use for them? How flustered do they get by them?

For Vivi because her entire being is a nickname, she gets more flustered when her full name, Vivian, is used. Depending on the context her brain tells her "you're in trouble," "this is a statement to be taken seriously," and in some cases "oh gosh he's about to cum." Using her full name demands her attention and when she isnt expecting it, will catch her off guard.

Much like all the other new experiences, Kari wouldn't get it at first but can read body language and hear tone. She's tall so a pet name like "star/stjärna" fits her since she can reach them lol. Kari is a quiet and reserved woman, but the pink glow in her cheeks is a dead giveaway.

Random choice: 🐒 - What’s their favorite animal?

Aside from Raine, Vivi likes birds. All birds both harmless and dangerous. You can find her watching videos of parrots talking to each other or birds of prey catching a kill or rehabilitation of injured birds. Her favorites are African Grey parrots.

The bear is an animal Kari finds inspiring. Fiercely protective, industrious and imposing, bears are meant to be respected. She wants that energy and that strength. And it helps that she finds bear cubs adorable.

Ask link

[tfsroleplay]

((Lore dump stuff below because I’m half asleep and working on a drawing))

Carmello’s time! Her lore is… incredibly vague. I never really had an idea when I designed her, she was originally just an oc I shipped with an old friend. Now, she’s gone through some changes!

She’s actually related to another one of my ocs, that was recently decided. When I first made her, she had a pet African grey parrot named Marco, but I think I’m gonna change that to some sort of snake.

When I was designing her, I quite literally was thinking about napoleon ice cream and was like “oh my god I’m gonna use those colors… do I want to make her ink colors melt into each other or…” and I ended up just giving her the earrings with the colors instead of the colors mixing with each other. Her mom, Dolce, actually ended up getting the color mix, I wanted her ink color to be cotton candy themed with blue and pink together (don’t ask me why they’re both dessert themed even I don’t know LMAO my brain just decided her moms name is literally “sweet” in Italian)

Carmello’s tentacles are a lot longer than average inklings, she likes to braid them for short periods of time but putting them up in a ponytail is apparently uncomfy.

That’s all I’ve got my brain said it’s night night time Goodnight

[tiktokparrot]

Discover the emotional depth of African Grey parrots! Learn about their intelligence, affection, jealousy, and more in this simple and informative guide.

[fiascox0xo]

Maybe I could have faced the person who abused me as a little kid if I had these dogs ?

I may be 32 - the first time was when I was 3…. And idk if anything will come of it- but I hope you know I’ve never been the same since you did what you did - Shawn Lockwood footballer99 from chino hills California. I was an innocent child. My cptsd is controlling my life. I’m a recovering addict clean for over six years now, and in therapy and I found a photo of you holding me - like grabbing my arms while I tried to get away from you on a family trip - I want this anger to leave so I can heal. How can it do that when I wonder if me staying quiet means people don’t know what a monster you are,…. How you sexually abuse kids and abuse the power your family had over my family . I’m autistic and I trusted you and I was able to be controlled easily. I forgive MYSELF for being in a situation where I was abused even though it’s not my fault. YOU ASSAULTED ME MULTIPLE TIMES. I was always under the age of ten since I moved state that year.

I have never forgotten. It has affected my whole life and every relationship. I hope if you’re married your wife finds out about this & I hope you don’t have little girls…. pedophiles… even at 17 you should’ve known better- & the adults knew it happened once and allowed it to happen again. Everyone should be responsible for not protecting me! I was adopted I couldn’t make a big deal and you knew that. You preyed on me and I hate you for it. I fucking hate you so much and that makes me hate myself because I’m not this kind of person. I would never hurt someone or wish ill on anyone I want people to grow and heal and learn and be better. But I don’t believe pedos can be better…. I don’t think people who hurt animals, kids, elderly, or disabled people deserve forgiveness - they deserve prison & justice from karma. They shouldn’t be allowed to hide out in isolation either - people should know why they’re there.

I remember all the times by the way. Except the one time in my bed I room- I remember thinking the house was haunted . My brain changed that night to me seeing a ghost and over the years my mind added more to the story and looking back- I see how my memory was cut out and missing pieces and the “ghost” was a man’s shadow moving pens around at my desk that walked up to my bed and I pulled the blankets over my head- when I looked out again the shadow was back by the desk… then all I remember was sleeping in my parents room and my dogs always being outside my room and theirs upstairs anytime I walked into their room bc I got scared. This is why I’m scared of what lurks in the dark. Bc I’ve never been scared of monsters- just humans like you.

You’re why I have never dated a Shawn no matter how much I liked them- I wonder if you assaulted Yvette too- that little girl from Arizona who was my age… I hope no one else got hurt because I never got a chance to take you to court. My parents should’ve fought you and your rich family. But my mom had to quit that job after YOUR mom said I was lying. I’m sure you knew that- what little kid wouldn’t go with you when you threaten to shut off my movie and tell them I was being bad…. You knew what you were doing was sick- otherwise you wouldn’t have blindfolded me. You didnt like my umbilical hernia so you had my keep my shirt on when you had me on your bed - every other time was you making me do things to you in that bathroom but that tine was different. maybe your girlfriend that lived nextdoor with the cow wasnt ready to hook up so you went with the 5-7 year old kid who was just crawling around on the couches abd piano bench pretending she was a cat in aristrocats.

we went on family out of state vacations together and my brother was around your age. didnt go to the same school bc Chino Hills is for rich people like you and the inground pool & the springer spaniels you guys kept outside and bred - only letting the pomerainian dog inside , with the african grey parrot umbrella cockatoo that you eventually got as well. You had a big saltwater tank with sharks that I remember your mom killing by putting in a bag and then putting in the fucking freezer cause you guys didn't want them anymore you guys like these statues and fountains all around your yard they looked like those Greek white marble statues obviously made of cement and you had like a gazebo. I remember always feeling like I was in some kind of movie or like a princess or playing mermaids in that pool or having to jump in the pool and get away from the big scary dog Tonka, you threatened to turn off the movie or whatever Disney movie I was watching on your giant TV .

my parents wanna think I don't remember. But I have a photographic memory and can literally play movies in my fucking head. I can watch whole episodes here whole songs. I can see places I fucking been and while I don't get to remember things like a photographic memory and just be like a smart doctor my PTSD likes to make me maladaptive daydream of things. Sometimes we spent a lot of time at house and family. I remember your stupid hobo business and the statue guy that was made out of wood. You guys used as a coat hanger. I ripped up all the pictures of my ex-boyfriend because I thought that would heal if I never had to see your face again that would duplicate someplace .

and the other night thats where I found the photos of you GRABBING ONTO My arms tried to run away.

hindsight 2020 obviously. Somebody thought that that was a cute picture when they took it some trip up in Oregon. I think we went to see a Dodgers game. I remember the park we were at and like the stairs going down to the swing and your mom or the Palm Springs house you guys had with all the creepy pictures of clowns and the pool room cement was. I know this is rambling and it's mostly me just trying to work out why I feel so triggered right now. I'm 3000 miles away from you. I haven't had to actually see you. I got to grow up and try to have a normal life I'm sure that's what my parents wanted to just pretend shit didn't happen. Brains are formed before the age of six you made sure that mine was really extra fucked up really hard to damage you caused and that is really hard to do because my autism ADHDCPTSD and my depression has made that extremely hard. Like I said I'm a recovering addict as well and I'm doing really well in that regard. Life is good. I'm happy for the most part, but I do have chemical and balances in my brain and I am on medication and therapy. I wish I could get the specialized therapy after, seeing how I need to fix the wiring in my brain. I have lived my life on high alert fighter flight mode when I was a little kid I was caught off guard so bad that my brain decided to never let it happen again and now I catastrophize and always think of the worst possible thing and I'm paranoid and I am always wondering who's out to get me or who's gonna hurt me or I'm trusting the wrong people or domestic violence relationship so whatever

while it is not My fault I'm like this, it is my responsibility to fix it.

you never had to do anything to make it up to me or try to make this right

you probably got to live your life like nothing ever fucking happened.

you had no consequences for being a sick pedophile fuck, you could have been hurting others this entire time . and idk how to live with myself if thats true. All the adult knew you sexually abused me, your family knew we couldbt afford court we were barely getting by & my mom was working for yours at that Hobo company. with della and the other computer ladies in that office thru the garage over to the right past the in home BAR 🙄

i found photos of you in your football uniform number 99 i remember that hanging in a car was that also the year you graduated? i wonder if youd be someobe who would apologize, would you try to guilt me by saying your rich family was terrible to you, or you were bullied for being fat, or your girlfriend of years didnt wanna have sex and "boys will be boys" - or my fav excuse 'i found god ive changed' line? or would you deny it? would you try to gaslight me? or threaten to sue for defamation? even though everything is true so its not defamation is it?

I dont know if there limitations on how long rape cases last before you cant go after people,… i was three, i was five, i was seven… i was in california til i was ten. i started bringing friends with me or hanging out with my mom in the office to avoid you. i wish i got a chance to face you in court i wish my parent put me into therapy. when it first happened.

some comments from my parents as i have started to talk about this.

"you cant remember that you were three/youre confused & must be thinking of a movie"

"you never told me what happened when i asked about it, so how was i supposed to know" -dad

"i sent dad to talk about what happened and you didn't tell him anything else. we made sure he(shawn) was never alone with you again after that. So obviously you must be remembering wrong"

why would a three-year-old girl want to tell a man even if it is her dad what just happened after another man sexually assaulted her. I was a fucking toddler. Everybody knows you have a female officer. Talk to a victim. After something happens. My mom should been having that conversation, but she's not having uncomfortable conversations, if I make her comfortable, she stop talking about stuff like this anytime I bring it up. She gets upset and mad and we don't talk about it anymore because I get upset and rightfully so we have to change the topic..

I love both of my parents and obviously it's not their fault What happened? The only real person to blame is the person who did it. however i was let down and not protected by my parents or the other adults like SHAWNS PARENTS who were supposed to be like really close family friends? how I even had this one springer spaniel growing up she was like three days younger than me. She was a gift to my dad from these people. One of the dogs that they kept outside. I never fucking understood like yeah they had a cover and like a place to get out of the rain, but I swear that gardener paid more attention to the dogs than the owners & it made me sad. looking back that was probably backyard breeding.

if i didnt move i wonder if i would've ever been brave enough to face you in court. i used to be so insecure bc of my body, the umbilical hernia was like a grey/purple outtie bellybutton & i was weird & had few friends bc i struggled to fit in. (i know now im actually ❤️‍🩹❣️autistic 🥰) i was adopted and already struggled with ALL RELATIONSHIPS and abandonment issues - i felt like my family could decide to give me back & i wasnt adopted officially until i was six ? you had already R4P3D/sexually assaulted at least 2-3 times between ages 3-5… and just because i remember the time in your bedroom, kinda mine, and the bathroom blindfold thing(i felt so stupid for believing you had a pet snake that lived in the wall and was scared of people so i had to have a blind fold on- i loved reptiles and animals - i feel dumb even typing this i know i was just a kid and autistic and believe people wouldnt lie to me like that… i was giving him hand jobs maybe even gave it a kiss (not a bj) and by the 4-5time you let me not have on the blindfold…. so now as an adult any trouser snake jokes or one eyed snake jokes really mess me up. I struggle with sex. I struggle with body dysmorphia. I’ve had eating disorders my whole life because i think i was so afraid of looking like you. I did end up gaining weight in recovery I was 210 lbs and now im down fluxes between 140-130 and that’s cool I wanna get in shape and start building my muscles and tone up- I want to get fit so I can defend myself if I ever have to but also I want to live and be happy and free. I want to take care of my body because I love myself.

I turned out to be a kind person. I got sexually abused by other people after you because you made me an easier target. Hell the first person I told about you doing that shit was my best friend and neighbor - a girl a year older than me - who was also being abused at home by her brother and her cousin at the very least. Her brother also had me sit on his lap in a creepy way and she got jealous bc he was giving me attention… :/ she wasn’t bad, she was a kid who didn’t deserve it either. But I was left alone a lot & my parents lived my neighbor ( more than me I felt bc she wasn’t so weird and broken like me- she was neurotypical I think… idk if we were ever really friends bc she wasn’t nice to me in front of her other friends at school they were cool and pretty and I was the weird girl who played fairy’s over by the willow tree alone with maybe 1-3people at the height of the club maybe 5-6? lol but they didn’t stay long. Just me & my other good friend who moved schools too. (Sorry for adhd sidetrack)

I figured no one would really read all this.

If you got this far and know anything about legal stuff & like statute of limitations of sexual abuse of a minor ? Idk or if you have resources available.

I just want to be the loving peaceful person I wanna be. I wanna heal and live and stop letting my CPTSD , borderline personality disorder , (and my HSP highly sensitive persons of autism) control me. Detaching and “letting go” and like “not caring” isn’t possible for me yet. I can’t use whatever “compartmentalization “ people tell me to lol. I got here because my trauma brain PROTECTED ME by blocking it out because I was 3yo when it first happened. I have so much toxic shame and issues with dealing with embarrassing stuff lol . I am aware to grow I have to feel uncomfortable in the new things I’m doing.

comfort ≠ safety

Familiarity ≠ Love/connection

Also most importantly

“Fitting in” ≠ Belonging

“Fitting in” is actually the opposite of belonging. Because to belong is to be accepted as you are. But to “fit in” you remove pieces of yourself , and add bits of other people to make yourself the right shape 🧩 to fit someplace…. You water yourself down and cut yourself up… you have to change in unhealthy ways to “fit in” with people you don’t truly belong with. You’re not going to feel truly appreciated, loved, accepted, or safe there I promise. I know because that was every relationship my entire life I spent masking. I spent studying and learning to portray myself as normal and neuro typical as possible. However that included my relationships that involved sex - and because of my childhood trauma and NEVER GETTING HELP FOR IT PROFESSIONALLY (mom said “no dating at all” & my dad knew id do it anyway so he let me so i would actually tell him the truth -mostly) so i believed my only job as a girlfriend/partner is to give & to make them happy however i had to. Sex has always been performative on some level - whether it’s the way I look, how I sound, how I act, what moves I do or whatever, I studied porn and movies and people & I am playing a role - not as if I’m not enjoying the sex in a healthy relationship or anything - but my kind won’t allow me to just be- I have to make sure THEYRE SATISFIED. I have learned I’m only as good as what I can offer. And if I have no job, money, or house or whatever to bring to the table, the only way I was taught to repay the kindness is giving my body away- because men only want sex right?

I’ve been told by every single insecure man I ever dated that I have ZERO real friends - men aren’t friends with women ever - unless they’re gay- they want to fuck them & absolutely would fuck them 💯% of the time. Basically saying they have no female friends they wouldn’t fuck and that they’re only waiting their turn and they don’t care about my problems or anything they’re only using me and being fake nice. Like my friendship isn’t worth having & then when I lost all my friendships over the years it made me wonder if maybe they were right kinda not in a “they only wanted sex with me “ (bc really I don’t think they would’ve?) but I genuinely loved some of those guys like brothers - I would’ve taken a bullet for them or did time for them, I was always so jealous of male friendships - the “bros before hoes” thing and like they just fist fight it out have a beer and they’re friends again. No fake ass Frienemies , no only being nice to you bc they’re bullying you & trying to steal your friends/boyfriend/life (happened more than once with girls) or a friend who secretly hates them and sabotages/talks shit about them all the time. Or just like having a group of friends who never liked you but you genuinely thought they did but they were bullying and laughing AT YOU . You weren’t paranoid they were joking about you,….

I struggled with female friendships because my first bestie was also my one of my abusers who’s sexually experiment on me /make me do things to her. She knew all about sex and swear words & we’d be doing really inappropriate things to eachother (I knew it was wrong and didn’t want to but she was like my only friend and I mean my parents never caught us so it just kept happening - maybe she was making sense of what was going on with her ,… but we had lots of games that involved being tied up and stuff and then kidnapping & torture(giving the other orgasms… idk how my parents never saw anything, I remember them saying it was weird we closed the blinds in the playhouse…. I almost got caught a few times. I guess after I told them about Shawn at dinner one night - they all got super upset and LITTLE KIDS DONT HAVE THE ABILTY TO UNDERSTAND YOU ARENT MAD AT THEM. When parents get mad or do or say bad hurtful things children can not use rational logic bc their brains aren’t formed yet- they will believe THEY THEMSELVES ARE TO BLAME FOR BEING INHERENTLY BAD. So my toxic Shame spiral began- my parents liked her better than me. My mom always said “you’re never going to have any friends when you grow up because you’re such a brat. No one will ever wanna be with you” or her and my friend and me would play a board game & I’d be losing and get upset , and be called a sore loser but they’d be rubbing it in my face that they’re winning and that’s not wrong? 😑 she favored her and I was bullied by my friend . I felt left out.

One time for my birthday I had a party bigger than I wanted and they shoved my face in the cake in front of everyone I cried because it wasn’t funny - my mom said I ruined my party by crying and it wasn’t a big deal at all and I should stop being a baby.

My feelings are not valid to them.

I feel so invisible and unseen here

it doesn't matter how many posts I share or how many links I can send to their text or messenger or whatever I have tried so hard to educate people on what is going on with my brain thinking that if they loved me, they would take the time to fucking research themselves because I know I would and have when they had health conditions. I also know that going around expecting people to have the same kind of heart you do is going to get you hurt but being a highly sensitive person. It is really hard not to take things personally because it's like I would've done that for you or I would've never done that to you so I could turn my feelings off sometimes because its either 0-100 there's no in between. it's black or white, thinking all in or all out and my borderline controls my emotions even when my brain logically knows what I'm doing is not OK or what I said was hurtful or that this fight is stupid and I should stop. I can't in the moment because it takes a lot of practice and therapy to work through borderline personality disorder it's a personality disorder that affects everything I do and the things that happened to me when I was a little kid affect me because my brain was developing and you learn how to be a person before the age of six there's just a lot of intertwined shit, BPD and complex post traumatic stress disorder or CPTSD and ADHD and autism have a lot of overlapping symptoms, co-morbidity. have had lots of diagnoses, including anxiety, depression, bipolar because of my suicide attempt obviously drug induced schizophrenia when I was in active addiction and alcoholism. I was also houseless during addiction because I was living on the streets with one of my abusive ex-boyfriend, who was also an addict. I was constantly dating people dating emotionally unavailable people or emotionally unintelligent people because they could not commit. I have been trying to heal my inner child and these wounds by replaying them over and over and over with the wrong people in order to be a secure attached person you have to be able to heal your inner child and your loving parent . " adult, children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families." has been a godsend of Group. I had to make it through years of actual drug groups and everything like intensive outpatient but for the most part addicts are people who are just trying to self medicate other problems they're trying to escape pain or reality or cope with some mental illness, they are not inherently evil people. It's really sad to me because I lost so many amazing people addiction. People who made this world brighter place, but it's often people with good heart end up choosing poison that slowly kill themselves because they can't handle the pain of being a good person when the world is so cold.

I have been so betrayed and screwed over in this life by people. I never thought would do it to me people that I loved unconditionally and would've died for did me dirtier than anything I could've ever imagined. worst of all, I have abandoned and betrayed myself over and over again every time I choose to not be myself authentically. Every time I showed up for work masking, pretending to be normal and not calling out the racist trans phobic motherfuckers that came into my store my therapist said my job was morally wounding me every single day, because I worked for a company that supported the genocide that is happening in Palestine. Or because I had discrimination against me and my ADHD time, blindness, autism and being deaf or constantly being misunderstood and said that I'm being rude when I genuinely was not or I constantly get told that I'm fighting and arguing or questioning authority when I'm just asking questions for clarity because I need to know information my brain works differently than other peoples and it is scientifically proven that when you grow up in a Neurotypical society, as a neurodivergent person, you are going to experience so much trauma just from trying to fit in because regardless of what other people think I knew my whole life something was wrong. I felt like I didn't belong. I felt like everybody else got a fucking map or a rule book and I swear if I could find my old diaries, I would show you the entries. I always felt like I was a misprint or defective product that if I was found out, I would be sent back to the machine factory and be destroyed or replaced. mental Health was so taboo it's not like it was ever looked at a place like a doctor that supposed to make you feel better didn't we talk about things that were uncomfortable bottling things up just doesn't work for me so I want my laundry I wanna be open and honest about all the things I've been through because I know what it's like to be alone and not have anybody to talk to you about it.

i know i am someone i wouldve ran to as a child for safety. that matters.

we are every age we ever were still. i am still the three-year-old who thought there was a ghost in my room. I'm still the five-year-old who didn't want their movie shut off or to get in trouble with her mom for causing problems at her workplace or embarrassing her in front of her friends still. 20 something-year-old who woke up to being raped on my birthday in 2018. or who woke up being raped during the day when i thought it was safe to sleep outside :( who then got beat up by my then fiance who robbed me of 100$(then got mad i called him on it bc he got it stollen by someone bc he was a bad dude who owed money idk but he got mad and i received the biggest beating i had ever gotten by him- i couldnt breathe without my ribs hurting bc they were bruised or cracked idk. i couldnt wear a bra for weeks - and at the time i wanted to no longer be alive because i was in constant pain just existing- breathing laying sitting bending ugh it was awful(i took a drink mix bottle $1 out his bag to use bc i wanted a drink with flavor he took my money lol- i figured itd be NBD but he flipped out (i should've known better lol meth heads and women beaters dont thibk logocally) but he had his hands around my neck and i told him to finish me off - the look in his eyes was terrifying bc he was having fun being in control- this was the only time he touched me anymore so i was so touch starved i would rather be hit than ignored. i loved that jerk so much back then. i just wanted to be loved. i thought he was my ride or die. but he was a narcissistic sociopath. he only cared about himself, drugs & money. he cared more about what strangers thought of him & what new people could offer , that even though i was willing to do anything for him, and was loyal and only wanted us to finally get out place together, he asked me to marry him with a bs ring to shut me up, but i thought he really loved me. i thought we got each other. truth was i tolerated so much horrible behavior and disrespect & he was racist, selfish, cheater, liar, manipulator. he enjoyed hurting me and making me cry. i thought if i showed him how much i care & how much i tried, if i stay loyal and keep helping him however i can he will SEE IM GENUINELY IN LOVE AND HE WILL PICK ME & see i wont abandon him & will be us against the world.

thats not what happens ever btw.

you show them you will allow that disrespect and any and all worse levels of disrespect too.

you staying shows you are okay being lied to, zmade fun of in front of others, like the time he said something like "hey you know ______this piece of info that apparently everyone knows isnt true "because common sense"(im autistic and BELIEVED MY FIANCE WOULDNT LIE TO ME?) ——- the sky is actually red because of science" <— not what was said but basically how it always went.

I would believe him and ask more questions because i looked at him like he was smart and i trusted him. and i asked him not to abandon me or like ostracize me in the new place…. but he made an absolute fool out of me - showed all the strangers i was gonna spend god knew how long with , that my own fiance didnt respect me & they didnt have to either. and they didnt. he would rob or rip me off, leave me sick af alone & crying & he would berate me like its my fault… he made friends and cut me out and left me to fend for myself after swearing he wouldnt. i was 2k miles away from anyone i knew or trusted and he continuously betrayed me over and over because i kept going back and believing him. he cried once when i was done and trying to leave. i found out he lied about the girl he said meant nothing hed been seeing her the entire year still- wouldny block her or tell her we were engaged but said he was doing everything we were just without me. bc he cared about her more then me.

people will use you because you let them

people treat you how you allow them to

healthy boundaries matter and are an invitation into your life- not a dismissal. its the persons choice to respect you enough to listen.

i stayed with men who never loved me at all.

i slept with people bc it was the only way to feel close to them. they were closed off and had no intentions on letting me in- they just wanted to control me, manipulate the situation, get all the attention for their ego & the benefits of being loved and adored without having to put in effort. they liked how i made them feel but i dont believe they ever liked me. I love me though i like me too i tried really hard to make myself keep loving after my heart got broken . i stayed kind and a romantic who believes in love and the goodness of people … "we may not all be here to evolve though- some are here to show us what happens if we dont"

i am trying to cope with how angry i am.

i was a child and was meant to be protected.

i wasnt prepared for real life at a either because of my parents inability to sit in the uncomfortable-ness and have conversations that NEEDED TO BE HAD. dont protect your kids in a way that shelters them , prepare them , with kindness - you can teach them to be strong and smart without breaking them. you should be a safe place for your child. you shouldnt make them feel like their existence bothers you- or blame them for making you crazy…. lol because really you are the ones who raised me- so dont put your low ass emotional IQ/EQ intelligence on me. i put work in. ive trained algorithms to be full of self help and animals to make me happy and heal. i am grateful for the people i have, my pets, my life & recovery & for my partner who has been AMAZING - literally idk what id have done if i didnt have you to help me stay grounded and how you supoort me through all of this and make me feel loved and appreciated and like you actually want me for me and not just sex. <3 the fact youre so nonjudgmental of my past and traumas. im the luckiest person ever & am glad i finally got a chance to have a partner like you. heres to the time ahead together <3 2months soon ^_^

yep this was me trying to end on a high note <3 i need to be grateful in recovery <3 and i am. today is lovely, sitting outside in the sun with the pup, trying to get this off my chest and hoping it stays hidden on my page. ive never said all this outloud before .

thanks to whoever read all that.

.

[morteamore]

The AI Dilemma

I'm fascinated with the general development of AI and robotics. But the problem I have with AI being applied to the arts is, though it can adapt and learn, it will always lack free will to adhere.

Take, for example, a doctor telling you eating an orange a day will keep you less susceptible to sickness. So you go home and the next day start on an orange routine. You eat an orange for seven days straight with the knowledge this is going to help you stay healthier and be more productive.

On the 8th day, the knowledge you have hasn't changed. However, you've hit the wall on oranges. You know they're beneficial to your life, but you're at your satiation limit. Seeing an orange fills you with dread. Tasting an orange makes it hard to go through the voluntary motions of chewing and swallowing. As much as it's going to help you, eating oranges has become absolutely unpleasant, and an orange is now a deterrent.

This might last days, weeks, months. Then one day, the unpleasant memories have reset enough through different routines for you to start craving oranges again. It's regained its status as a pleasurable act with added benefits.

You last only three days eating oranges this time. On the third day, you're back to satiation on oranges. Your limit and tolerance has decreased. So you eat an apple instead. Because, hey, those have great benefits too.

This is a survival defense in humans to sustain a varied diet so that we didn't starve in leaner evolution times. And because as red meat proteins developed the brain in early humankind, we were able to deduce how to acquire a wider variety of nutrients. But I'm not a biologist so I won't get too much into that. It also explains addiction when you start going into the relationship of the chemical dependency side of it.

My point is an AI can't learn outside of its protocol. It can't have an emotional experience over satiation or otherwise, and doesn't have the adaptability to act of its own accord. There's nothing but artificial elasticity in the core of its brain. It can only absorb the knowledge, store it and spit it back in different arrangements of patterns in the most utilitarian sense as dictated by dynamic programming, but programming nonetheless.

Even the smartest thinking AI's were only at the learning level of a toddler, last I checked. One of the projects, ASIMO, was disbanded. That's the same intelligence of an African Grey parrot or a German Shepard. We have a long way to go before AI truly gains the sentience to act on organic, emotional free will. But honestly, would we really learn anything about our own species from it and benefit from its use, or would it just be misused for ill intentions?

It'll always come down to the ethics debate, I guess, and how and if we can sustain a global ethical code. We'd need the laws in place before the implementation, I would think.

[fandomsandfeminism]

Other facts about Spike Jones the parrot, for those who were wondering:

I believe my grandfather named him (after the musician, because he made silly noises) but he went with Mama Jo in the divorce. So he was older than me.

He talked a LOT. His favorite phrase for visitors was "I'm Spike Jones. I'm an African Grey. I can talk. Can you?"

He would make the telephone ring sound if he wanted you to go over to him. (The house phone was in the same room as his enclosure)

He would make the microwave 'ding' noise if he wanted you to leave his room.

He would LAUGH if you did this (he tricked you!)

Mama Jo and Oma had another parrot (a green one who didn't talk) named Margarita. Spike would call her "Margarita Bird Brain" and try to steal her snacks.

You could not wear hats, especially baseball caps, around him or he would throw himself onto the floor and scream. (He was a rescue, so there's probably a very sad story there.)

He did a really good impression of Oma calling my grandma's name from the other room. Apparently it was fairly common for the parrot to go "JoAAAAANNE" and Mama Jo to stop whatever she was doing to see what Oma needed, and Spike would laugh and laugh and laugh.

He would bite, and we were not allowed to hold him. (Again, sad back story is assumed.)

I loved that bird, and he convinced me that I should never, ever, own a parrot. (You want to own a wickedly smart toddler with wings and claws that will live to be 50+ and never stop being a toddler? No. No you don't.)

Yall wanna hear a kinda funny, kinda sad story about my grandmother and hetero-normativity?

Ok, so... when my grandmother was in her 50s (I was an infant), she met a woman at the Unitarian Church. And, as can happen when you meet your soul mate, this event made it impossible for her to deny parts of herself that she had fiercely hidden her whole life.

All the drama- their affair being found out, the divorce with my grandfather, the court battle over who got the house, happened while I was a baby. Even in my earliest memories, it's just Mama Jo and Oma, and my grandfather lived elsewhere (first his own apartment, then a nursing home, then with us.)

But here's the thing- no one ever explained any of this to me. No one ever sat down and was like "hey, Rosie, so do you know what a lesbian is?" It was the 90s. It was Texas. I think my mom was still kinda processing all this, and just assumed that like... I was gonna figure it out. Don't mention it, let it just be normal. Like I think my mom thought that if she explained the situation, she would be making it weird? I dunno.

But like. In the 90s, in all the movies I had seen and books I had read, do you know how many same sex couples I had seen? Like. 0. Do you know how many "platonic best friend/roommates" I had seen? A lot. I had no context, is what I'm saying.

I literally thought this was a Golden Girls, roommates, besties situation until I was like...I dunno, 11? 12?

It was actually their parrot, an African Grey named Spike, imitating my grandmothers voice saying "Johanna, honey, it's getting late", that triggered the MIND BLOWN moment as I realized that *there's only one master bedroom and it only has 1 waterbed* when all the pieces finally clicked.

Anyway. I think it's a real important thing for kids to know queer people exist, for a lot of reasons, but also because kids can be clueless and it's embarrassing to have your grandmother be outted by a parrot because everyone just thought you'd figure it out on your own.

Anyway, here is my grandma and her wife, my Oma, after they moved to Albuquerque to be artsy gay cowboys and live their best life. They helped run a "Lesbian Dude Ranch" out there (basically just with funding and financial support. As Oma has explained "traditionally, most lesbians don't have a lot of money" so they wrote the checks and let the younger ladies actually run the ranch.)

[itsrattysworld]

Without Prejudice Mervelee Myers Weapon Is The Philosophy Of Brains Via African Grey Birds Productions Re Einstein The Grey Parrot What Will Google My Business YouTube Facebook JCIO Twitter LinkedIn HMCTS CPS CJS DBS IOPC CCMCC HMPPS CLCC Career Criminals I Debate Subjects Cradle To Grave Abuse Reviews Online During ET/EAT Richard Harty MIC Must Be Investigated

Without Prejudice Mervelee Myers Weapon Is The Philosophy Of Brains Via African Grey Birds Productions Re Einstein The Grey Parrot What Will Google My Business YouTube Facebook JCIO Twitter LinkedIn HMCTS CPS CJS DBS IOPC CCMCC HMPPS CLCC Career Criminals I Debate Subjects Cradle To Grave Abuse Reviews Online During ET/EAT Richard Harty MIC Must Be Investigated