#afraid of being alone

[littleoldpessimistme]

20230525

One of the hardest things for me that I have struggled my whole life with and probably will for a long time is loneliness and I’m fine with that fact most of the time, but lately it’s been on my mind a lot.

This sounds really lame and pitiful but the thing is: I’m not alone. I have friends, wonderful ones, and I’m also pretty close with my family (at least my dad’s side, haven’t really talked to my mother in the last 6 years) so I do have people in my corner.

But sometimes I just get this overwhelming feeling of sadness and anxiety that this isn’t gonna last forever and I already sometimes feel like they don’t care as much about me as I care about them.

Basically I have this feeling that all my friends are eventually gonna find partners, settle down with them and start their own life and I’m not gonna be important to them anymore.

I have a wonderful friend. We’ve known each other since we were 10, we were classmates all through high school as well and also best friends. We had a short period when we didn’t talk as much because we used to have the same group of friends but it was kind of toxic (as groups of high school girls sometimes unfortunately are) so I started hanging out with other friends but this girl stayed in that group (we’ve had multiple conversations about this since then and they were actively ruining her life as well lol) so we just kind of stopped talking for a hot second. In the last year of high school we slowly started to talk to each other again and it turned out that she wanted to go to the same university as me and we decided to be roommates.

Two years have passed since then and I feel like we managed to form such a beautiful bond and although neither one of us is really one for displays of affection (we even joke about this sometimes, that we’ve known each other for more than half our lifetime and we’ve only ever hugged each other like a couple times) I really cherish her presence in my life. We just click so well, I don’t think we’ve ever had an argument since we moved in (and I feel like that’s a telling thing, because living together with someone comes with a lot of compromises and is a big milestone in any relationship it’s normal to have some bumps in the road). I sometimes think that I could live my whole life like this just existing in a shared little two bedroom apartment, watching movies on her bed, having deep converastions at midnight when we have to wake up early the next morning, going grocery shopping together, sitting in our tiny kitchen having dinner and laughing until we can’t breathe just like we always do.

I always hated those questions when they ask you to describe how you imagine yourself in five years because I genuinely don’t know what to say. I never had any sense of what I want from the limited time I get to experience on this earth. The only way I could ever imagine being content is to spend my whole life in my childhood bedroom surrounded by my books and blankets and just being left alone, because I’m so incredibly terrified of the responsibilites of adulthood and life and human interactions. But I feel like living with her the way we’re living right now would make me happy. I would go as far as to call her a platonic soulmate.

I know that sounds incredibly cheesy and domestic and honestly kinda like I’m in love with her, but I have no romantic feeling for her at all, it’s just that my platonic feelings are so deep, that they scare even me sometimes. Especially when they come with feelings of jealousy. She has a fiancé, they’re gonna get married next year if everything goes well and I’m truly happy for them. He’s a great guy, we used to be classmates as well, they’ve been dating since the start of high school and they are just so meant to be.

And I feel like such a terrible person for being jealous of him. He’s studying in a different city but every once in a while he visits us, and I see how they are with each other and it always leaves me with such a bitter feeling because I can clearly see that he is to her what she is to me. They are each other’s soulmates, and it’s so stupid but that hurts me so much, the fact that I’ll never be as much of a central person in her life as she is in mine. That I’m not her soulmate.

And I know that I’m being extremely childish and it’s not like people can’t have multiple people they care deeply about but I just feel like people favour romantic relationships way more than friendships and I don’t know if I’ll ever have a romantic partner because that’s just not really someting that I find all that appealing (I may or may not be on the aroace spectrum). I don’t want kisses and dates and lovey-dovey words and sex, I just want someone to be there for me all the time, like a super best friend, someone who also thinks about me as their soulmate, and not just the other way around.

And I know that my friends love me I just can’t help but feel overwhelmingly hopeless sometimes.

[simplyharleen]

At what point or at what phase should you let go of someone you thought was for you? Someone who proved you wrong every time you thought they were done and kept fighting. Someone that is your safe place that you feel protected by. You keep trying and youR paths keep crossing but life and other things get in the way, when one is ready the other is not. Like two ships passing in the night. Your heart does a silent cry every time.

[dungonmastersandheartthrobs]

I never told you this, but sometimes

I just sit there and imagine all the little scenarios of us in my head.

Basic things like watching movies, cuddling, doing late night food runs, have deep conversations, and taking random trips. I just miss you and want to be with you.

[turtletoria]

the krampus incident from the book of bill if it was out of character and stupid

[chewingworms]

bisexual women and their husbands

[feelheard]

Why are you Afraid of Being Alone?

Many people are Afraid of Being Alone, but there is no need to be! There are plenty of things to do when you are by yourself. You can read, listen to music, watch TV, or even go outside and explore your neighborhood. Read more here to know more.

[ae-cha08]

[iamnmbr3]

Everyone: omg Harry is the heir of Slytherin. He just spoke Parseltongue which is a super rare hereditary skill in the Slytherin line and it looks like he set a snake on someone in front of witnesses.

Draco: nah he wouldn’t do that I know him

[wafflesex]

Floyd in Jade’s lab SR: You suddenly got all silent and froze and it scared me. What’s wrong?

Floyd in Playful Land event: It’s creepy when Jade is quiet…

Jade may be full of nonsense 90% of the time according to Floyd, but the twins (and Azul) are always chatty with each other, especially when sharing stories of their fun experiences, so to not have his brother talking to him must be unsettling.

Famously, Floyd’s unafraid of a lot of things.

But Jade’s silence seems to genuinely scare him.

[fun-esta]

[jedi-enthusiast]

Vague Obi-Wan lore from Bloodshed, Crimson Clover shitpost:

-----

Obi-Wan, eyes glowing, in an empty room: *talking in some ancient language no one can understand*

Some Random Jedi: ...is that not...concerning?

Qui-Gon: Last night I caught him floating on the ceiling and chanting ritualistically. When I asked what he was doing he told me that Master Katri was teaching him an old Je'daii mantra...so I consider this an improvement.

Some Random Jedi: ...isn't she dead?

Qui-Gon: Yes, which is why I will not be asking again.

BONUS:

Dooku, who literally just wants to eat and go to bed: *walks into his Temple quarters*

Obi-Wan:

Ḩ̸̡̬̝̰̤̺̜͎̩̾͆̏̿̔̐̈́ȩ̸̨̛̫̟̟͕̲̭̻̖̘̘̀͊͂̕͜͝ͅl̴̛̞̘͙̲̪̭̟͓̳̳̟̀ĺ̶̛͎̲̩͔̋̋̎̇͐̿̏̽̍͒̍̎͝ȍ̸̱͚̮̤̩͖̰̣̔͗̾̍̏̆ ̶̡̛̠̞̝̻̖͔̜̫̈́͜M̷̗̜͕̔͊̎͋̓́̒��̧̘͈͙̠̜̼a̴̺̜̫̻̠̻̭̯͉̣͖̮̠͒ͅş̷̘͓͔̟͎̈́́̉t̷̩͔͓̳̠͈̩͇̖͈̯̰͛̆̄͂̓̏͝e̸̱̜̾r̴̛͍͙ ̸̛̟̞̠̺͓̙̩͒̍͝Ḋ̵̛̼̯̘̗̖͗͌̃͋̿͝o̸̢͕̜̭͎̫̙͌́̿͊̈͛ͅo̵̹̼͚̻̫͓̻̳̻̭̳̐̅̉͑͆̊͂̔k̶̡̨̳͓͎͖͉͔̟̹̪̼̣̎̈̈́̇̒̈́͌̀̀̌̿̑͘ū̶̬͎̀͒̊͑̽̀͘͝

Dooku, backing out the door: Nope...nope...not tonight...I'll room with Qui-Gon...just...hell no...

The real reason he was so ready to stab Obi-Wan in AotC

[luposlipaphobya]

I’m standing across from you (but I see you)

I’ve dreamt alone, now the dreams won’t do (but I see you)

(We're still working hard on some pieces for a zine about those two characters with @the-nothing-maker and I can't tell you how proud I am for our hard work! It's never easy to create something this big about original characters, but even if I feel quite anxious I'm not quitting!)

[dykealloy]

i keep going back to this moment. obviously there's the palpable devotion from zoro towards luffy which is all very insane, elicits the urge to chew through drywall etc etc. but I can't help but get caught on the way this is phrased. suggesting maybe zoro isn't the only one mihawk is talking about here. as in, I'm getting opla shuggy rant energy, i.e.

which is about as blatant and transparent as it gets in terms of the older wiser figure with a connection to shanks speaking about his own experiences (under the weak veil of this being about Luffy). but back to mihawk talking about zoro whilst also talking about himself. I'm having to extrapolate a fair bit here given my limited knowledge of his history, but here's what we do know - mihawk never belonged to a crew, was a "rival" of shanks before he "lost interest" in killing him at some point after he lost his arm ("it's always for the sake of another" - given how powerful shanks still is at this point - one of the four emperors - i'd like to think there's something more to this).

when zoro falls to his blade outside the Baratie and he tells luffy "that's a more treacherous path than even mine" after hearing his main goal is to become king of the pirates, do you think perhaps there's a chance he's projecting some old buried anxiety/fear from his youth about the thought of facing shanks, standing by his side and falling. It's giving "I am not worthy until I prove I'm the best", which if true, was followed after many years by "Now I am the best and it's hollow and empty and I regret all those days I could have had with you".

luffy gave zoro direction - a greater purpose and a family. luffy enables his aspirations, but he also provides zoro the freedom to have something more than just this obsessive structure where the only thing that matters is becoming top dog - something beyond years and years of endless relentless training fueled in part by his loyalty to kuina but also the grief of her loss. without luffy, zoro could very likely have followed mihawk's path, something @joyish-little-boy pointed out in one of @assiraphales' posts.

despite being recognised by the world at large as the greatest swordsman alive, and supposedly having achieved all there is for him to strive for, mihawk has never struck me as a man awfully satisfied with where he is.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

obviously hanguang-jun would wear sports bras…. right?

Wei Wuxian failed his perception and insight check rolls.

[breegadey]

i see... i see...

[piko-power]

My Personal Headcanon On Why Amy's Love For Sonic Died Down Lately (and their dynamic)

When they were younger, Amy's love for Sonic was pretty extreme, and Sonic was, understandable, uncomfortable for the most part. He knows she means well, but that girl needs to calm down.

She can fight, but sometimes her hammer could only stun her enemies for a while. (It took her a long time to get rid of that robot that has been chasing her around Station Square.) She wasn't fully independent yet, even if she fought on her own a couple of times.

She often follows Sonic and his friends around. She is part of the team, but she was not a strong as she is now at the time yet.

She admires Sonic. A LOT. And Sonic knows that. Obviously, he could only run away from something like that, since he is NOT ready for that kind of thing, and whether Amy takes the hint or stop, she still loves him.

...BUT, I think things were slightly starting to change between her and Sonic after Lost World.

Remember this line?

You remember that? Okay, okay. Here's another totally unrelated question:

Before the events of Lost World, when was the last time Amy said "I love you" to Sonic out loud?

...YEP. 😈 (Unless I'm missing something, let me know lmao)

As more games and adventures come out, the characters get slightly older, and Amy is 12 to 13 now, and she is most certainly at that age where her body starts to change, but especially on how she views Sonic.

She knows she loves Sonic, but it was this moment during her change where she actually wanted to admit that she loves him.

I believe that Amy was all about sharing her affection to him not through confessions, but through obvious hints. Sonic totally got it, and there was no need to confess. Sonic knows she loves her.

...But she never said it. And she almost did, but she never did again for a while.

I think this was the moment in her life where, oh, God, she actually loves Sonic. SHE LOVES HIM, WHAT.

And she was looking back at all the times she had with Sonic that she can now see were unpleasant to Sonic (At least that's what she thinks) and that's probably why she isn't so expressive about her love to him than how she used to back then.

She wasn't sure what to do with this realization, and sets aside it for a while, and nearly stayed as her casual, peppy self... until the Eggman War happened.

During the 6 months of being with the Resistance, fighting Eggman's army all day and all night, all she can think of was Sonic.

She dreams that he still with not just her, but with her friends. She just wanted to see Sonic again, she just wants to be with her hero again.

But I'd like to think that she was also thinking about how she used to treat Sonic back when they were younger, how Sonic would almost always run away from her whenever she asks him out, or always look so uncomfortable whenever she gets so close to him.

Cringing at those memories big time, she wanted to change and hopefully when Sonic is okay and comes back, she can be better for him.

...Or will he still find her uncomfortable regardless? Would he even be happy to see her at all if he did survive?

But, hold on! She can't just give up her love for Sonic! He made her who she is today! A peppy, nature-loving, hammer-swinging, confident, brave... loud-mouth... annoying... Sonic obsessed... weak... pathetic... lonely little girl.

If she gives up on Sonic, it'll be like she gave up on the one hedgehog who saved her life. If she didn't she'll still be the same ol' Amy.

I also like to think she had parents a long while before she met Sonic, and was even expecting a little sister, but a robot invasion happened from where she was and attacked her parents and instead of trying to save them, after getting hurt, she ran away, hoping that they'll come back okay. But they never did.

She was all alone, and needed someone, a friend, a new family, someone who will hold her hand, anyone, to be there for her. But she was ignored by lots, and at that point, she's better off by herself, but still longed for company.

Eventually though, her tarot cards told her her future hero, and there might be hope after all. She encountered Sonic, held onto the belief of the cards tight, and the rest is history.

So, with that headcanon in mind, not only did Amy loose her parents that she didn't save because of her cowardliness (she was only so little at the time that happened) and also Sonic, who she thought will be her only hope, but now gone.

She doesn't even care if he did come back, he'd probably hate her now after everything she did to him, always talking about their "future wedding" or forcing him to go to Twinkle Park.

For the last few months of the war, it was nothing but Amy mentally beating herself up for either refusing to change or moving on, and they are both not fine choices.

She loves Sonic, but he does not love her, and she finally, finally realized it. And it's probably for the best if no body loved her at all.

But of course Sonic did survive and all of her worries wash away in an instant, she's just not expressive about her love for Sonic AT ALL now, since she's still worried about it but rather not mention it to Sonic because it doesn't matter.

If Sonic doesn't love her, then her feelings don't matter to him, and according to Amy herself, that is okay.

But also, I'd like to think that Sonic was thinking about his friends a lot up in the Death Egg for the past months, sometimes it's Tails (worried for his safety), sometimes it's Shadow (because he's wondering why he would join Eggman.) At some point, for a few days, Amy was in his mind the longest, and he felt bad about how he thought he was rude and pushy to her.

He wondered if she's not thinking about it too much, and if she is, will she give up on him? Yeah, he doesn't feel the same and still not looking for a relationship, but it's so strange but interesting how anyone could ever like someone like Sonic the Hedgehog. Amy was never afraid to show that, and she probably might be now.

He couldn't help but feel guilty. They were kids when she was like this, but he was so... arrogant at the time too. Not a lot happened at the time yet. He'd always have trouble expressing how much he value his friends, until he shattered the Paradox Prism. (I'd like to think Prime took place before Forces. It makes sense.)

She is such a sweet girl, and he probably made her believe that he didn't care for her. Just because he doesn't feel the same, that doesn't mean he hates her at all.

He wished he never ran away from Amy... Worrying for his little bro and wishing to be a good person for Amy was when Sonic cried in the Death Egg for the first and only time.

Frontiers, in my opinion, is kind of confirming their dynamic now. Sonic is a lot more sincere and kinder to Amy and she is not all hyperactive and lovey to Sonic. There is probably a real reason for this now.

They are both hiding their feelings from them, and they are both unaware of this. Amy, hiding her mental issues from Sonic, and Sonic, hiding his guilt away from Amy.

None of those things are important now. Sonic is with Amy and Amy is with Sonic. They are here with each other. They can be finally be better for each other now.

They don't care if they'll ever be something more when they get older. None of that matters anymore. They are here with each other. They can be finally be better for each other now.

Maybe someday they'll both talk about it, but for now, the present is important. They care about each other too much to think about it right now.

It's the kind of love that is unbreakable. It doesn't even have to be romantic. It's just love. Love is important for everyone, in any form. It's something Sonic and his friends need. And especially Sonic and Amy.

Amy Rose is the living embodiment of love, and without her, a lot would go downhill for Sonic and co. Heck, if it weren't for her, Shadow wouldn't have never remembered Maria's promise, which lead him to save the world with Sonic, before he temporarily disappeared from their lives for a while.

She is always there to lend a helping hand for anybody, even bad guys like Metal Sonic, and despite what she had been through, both in Forces and headcanon wise, she still fights back, even without her hammer.

She will pick you back up on your feet, reminding you that you are important and that you are loved, and that you should never give up. It's pretty much the words of encouragement she herself needed also...

She is still the happy, hyper, butt-kicking hedgehog we all know and love, but she still need someone to pick her back up on her feet after so long. Thankfully, she has her friends and her blue hero. The hero who made her who she is today.

I think Amy has no idea how important she thought she is, but Sonic does. Sonic knows fully well how important she is to a lot of people. It's about time he returns the favor to her. It's his turn to remind her how much a lot of people love her.

How much he loves her.

And I feel like The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog was the moment where their dynamic really shined, but also the starting point of their relationship not only healing, but also the next chapter of what's to come for them.

Everyone, friends old and new, gathered around for a special birthday. A birthday for the confident, unshakable, and radiant Amy Rose.

It was such a special moment in Amy's life. After years of chasing and following the people she look up to, she is part of the team, but most importantly, she is part of the family.

She is fully realized as someone more than just a fangirl, but someone strong, courageous, creative, kind and a big inspiration for others.

I feel like this moment here...

-is where Amy is eternally grateful to call her friends her family. A family she thought she'll never have again. She's not alone anymore, and as long as they're by her side, she'll never will be again.

Her chasing days are over. She's finally caught up to them. She's finally home.

And it's all thanks to Sonic.

If it weren't for him, she'd probably be alone forever. Her past moments with Sonic might be embarrassing to look back on for a while, but they are good memories regardless, because they involve him.

Sonic saved her life in more ways than one, and despite everything, he's grateful to have her too.

He cares about her. He really does... And in her eyes, that all she needed to know. As long as Sonic loves her in his own way, she'll be happy.

Amy hasn't given up on Sonic. As long as Amy always supports him, he'll be happy.

Maybe sometime in the future, they can talk about their problems, but that's a story for another time. At this point, they need to. Right now, they are happy. They are okay.

They are here for each other. They are finally better for each other now.

"You guys won't ever leave me, right?"

"Wouldn't dream of it."