#actually misremembered something' A LONG TIME AGO APPARENTLY

[klbzplb]

always feels weird when people say 'if you think youre faking it, theres a really good chance you're not' (because people that are know for sure) bc while thats generally true and good for validating ppl ive also fully gaslit myself into believing i had memory problems for a solid 5 years for essentially no reason

[stromuprisahat]

tbh, if i were writing S&B, I would classify Tailors as a sort of "hybrid" between the Corporalki and the *Materialki*. Which would further explain why Genya is so alienated from other "Grisha" in the first book (before Tailoring becomes just a thing all heartrenders can do, apparently): she's not, by current understanding, supposed to exist. (p1)

I think it would really underline Genya's loyalty to the Darkling, as they both are "the only one of their kind", so to speak, and also add dimension to Genya's relationship with David. Maybe Genya underwent testing as a child to see if her talent extended to Durast abilities, and that's how she and David met (I don't recall their canon backstory in the books). Of course, this all would require a story that's interested in things other than Alina Being Right.

My rationale for making Tailors a "hybrid" between Corporalki and Materialki is that Genya can actually *change* the appearance of something, for a short time. Hair color, eye makeup, etc. Unlike healers, who can only return something to a healthy state, and heartrenders, who can manipulate blood but not really change it on a "molecular" level for lack of a better word. I may be misremembering but this is my thought process

Corporalki/Materialki combo was Tailors' original classification:

“Are there other Tailors?” I asked. “Genya is unique,” [the Darkling] answered, glancing at me. “Like us.” ... “When Genya’s abilities began to show themselves, I could have had her choose between becoming a Fabrikator or a Corporalnik. Instead, I cultivated her particular affinity and made a gift of her to the Queen.”

Shadow and Bone- Chapter 7

I don't think there was a backstory to Genya and David's relationship. It's mentioned she spends a lot of her free time in Materialki workrooms, but that likely had something to do with her getting the necessary ingredients for her "kit". At least initially. She also developed the poison she used on the King, so I'd see her as potential Alkemi, should she give up her uniqueness.

While the Materialki part's probably needed for transfer of pigments, not so long ago I've argued Healers should be more skilled in "rough" tailoring than Tailors themselves. The colours aside, it's basically plastic surgery directed by feel, and who better to do that, than people trained to know the deepest workings of human body.

It's kinda bizarre Genya was appointed the Grisha triumvirate representative of Corporalki, when I can't remember a single mention of her studies with the rest or use of powers even in the most ordinary Corporalki way. Actually, the wording, when she acts as Alina's guide in the first book, makes it sound as if she didn't even know what their workrooms look like from the inside:

“We’re on the other side of the Corporalki anatomy rooms.” “Don’t they need light to … do their work?” “Skylights,” she said. “In the roof, like the library dome. They prefer it that way. It keeps them and their secrets safe.” “But what do they do in there?” I asked, not entirely sure I wanted to hear the answer. “Only the Corporalki know. But there are rumors that they’ve been working with the Fabrikators on new … experiments.”

Shadow and Bone- Chapter 8

I wouldn't define Healers as "returning bodies to healthy state". Canon explanations are sparse at best, but when you think about it both injuries and illnesses change bodies. Those aren't a sum of reconfiguring elements, but living tissues. Instead of turning abnormalities into atoms, and building something of these, I've always though it works on bigger scale- acceleration of the processes body would do by itself.

Instead of turning contamination into particles and building new molecules, then cells etc., helping the body clean the mess and giving it energy and direction to make a new tissue. So technically a broken arm would be healed just like without Healer's help, only faster. Or they could direct the body to heal it crooked on purpose. Or move some cells where they don't belong, and make a tumor. Suppress immune system. Stir up immune system.

Tell the body what to do, and give it a push.

[pierrotwrites-hc]

ok so this is probably gonna be weirdly specific but. ages ago, when i read the previous version of tgb, i seem to remember an author's note that said you rewrote an even earlier version of the story to make luca less like yourself & more into his own character (or something along those lines, it was a very long time ago). would you ever elaborate on what that meant? from what i understand you have been working on tgb for a really long time and even if i misremember that note, your writing process facinates me. i only read the version that was previously published on ao3 and the current one is definitely better but i'd love to hear what the rewriting process was like, as it apparently wasn't the first time you'd done it? huge fan of your work, i hope you have the best day :)

HA we are actually on the...*drumroll*...third revision of this story.

The first version was only a few chapters posted on the orig_slavefic community on Livejournal (shoutout to @maculategiraffe). I was still working out the sort of story I wanted to write and took an everything-and-the-kitchen-sink approach, which meant there was MAGIC and DEMONS and god knows what else. I couldn't pace a story to save my life (did I mention I was 17) and the style and voice and characterization were wildly inconsistent, a patchwork of things I liked in books by other, better writers (Terry Pratchett, Diana Wynne Jones, Holly Black, etc).

Anyway, an LJ writer I admired wrote a post in which they sarcastically excerpted some of my writing, and I realized that the chapters I'd produced were not just unsuccessful but mockable. I thought about what I wanted the story to be, where I wanted it to go, and how I wanted it to sound. I identified a serious tone problem with Luca's POV: it was written too lightly, and made him come across as far too...well, plucky, for lack of a better word. It just wasn't how someone so broken would think or speak or see the world.

I rewrote that draft completely. This resulted in the version originally posted on Ao3. It was miles better, but I had miles to go, and I knew it, but I didn't know how to get there.

At that point I was in undergrad at a school which offered no creative writing classes and whose professors really and truly disdained the sort of books I liked best. (I'll never forget proposing a thesis on children's fantasy in postwar Britain and my advisor forbidding me from "applying my theory pyrotechnics to a pile of crap"). So I started a reading group with a friend, a very serious reading group with books assigned at the beginning and end of every semester and hours-long weekly meetings. It was here that I began to figure out what actually worked about the books I admired, and how I might adapt successful structures and strategies into my own work.

Then I went to graduate school for writing. This was the first time I'd gotten deep critical feedback on my creative work. I was also diagnosed with CPTSD by a therapist who assigned me a lot of reading (my love language). Now I could work on technical issues like tone and pacing while also developing a deeper understanding of how trauma shapes a person's identity and worldview.

Looking at the second draft of TGB through this lens, I felt that Luca and Robert were not distinct enough, either from each other or any of the other characters (many of whom were pretty cartoonish). I also realized that I hadn't been thinking of Luca's plot arc as a progress arc, a reparative curve along which we see him moving chapter by chapter and book by book. And I wanted to give myself room to illustrate his relationship with Robert in more nuanced shades of moral gray. Robert and Luca are both products of a society like but also quite unlike our own, and they don't have to be (and shouldn't be) "good" or "likable" in the way we're used to thinking about. Robert is not (or at least not initially) an abolitionist. Neither is Luca. Indeed, Robert is the one most willing to question the institution of slavery because he's also the one whose imagination hasn't been (as Kemp says of Luca) "hopelessly limited by slavery." Of course those limitations aren't actually hopeless, but they are very real, and they're something Luca will be chipping away at in increments for a long, long time.

It was useful for me to think about who I wanted Luca and Robert to be at the beginning of the story, and what I wanted their relationship to be, and then to think about who they and their relationship would become by the very last page of the very last book. Knowing our starting point and our destination allowed me to plot the distance between, and to shape that plot around the trauma recovery (with all its fits, starts, and setbacks) these characters needed to go through, both together and individually.

And then I started writing.

[catchingbigfish]

name meaning tag game

thank you for the tag @winterandwords!! this hasn't come my way since i started Conversion, so i'll do all the characters from it! i'm gonna look up the actual meanings, too.

rules: list your OCs and explain their name meanings

Rosalyn: i misremembered the name of a bakery from my hometown (Roselyn), and part of the story is that she gets rechristened because everyone else has really soft-sounding/vowel-ending names, so i thought it would work perfectly to call her Rose (because another character is named after a flower). apparently, it has roots in words meaning "horse" and "malleable" lol

Josephine: i have this weird thing where i can't name characters after my relatives, and there's one beautiful name that's similar to Josephine, so that's where i ended up when i wanted to use my relative's name. it's a feminine form of Joseph and in hebrew Joseph means "he will add".

Dahlia: this was the easiest name to come up with, i chose it for the flower it evokes! that's also what it means, lol.

Anais: chose it for Anais Nin, ngl. i just wanted something unusual that ended with an -s. it's probably a variant of Anahita, which means immaculate or undefiled.

Ximena: she needed a Spanish name and i completely misremembered the name of a singer i liked a long time ago. it's a feminine version of the masculine Ximeno, which has an unclear meaning, but may be related to the word seme (son) or Simon (hearing, listening).

Marlene: this started out as a placeholder when i was brainstorming ideas for the original cult story that morphed into this that will eventually become the second novel in the duology. it was originally based off an idea related to Marlene Dixon, a real-life cult leader, so i just called her that to make it easy in my notes. it stuck because i instantly registered her face (literally a photo from a crochet pattern i saw in a magazine) when i read her name in the context of the story notes. it's a combination of Maria and Magdalene (like Marlene Dietrich, whose name was Maria Magdalene Dietrich -- what a cool fact to learn, i had no idea!) and it's related to Mary Magdalene!

i'm tagging @words-after-midnight because i don't think i've seen you do one of these?? and @words-dead-to-the-outer-world and @oh-no-another-idea! (i somehow just saw both of you tagged me in games like a whole 2 weeks ago, i have no idea how i missed them, but ty for tagging me! hopefully i'll circle back to them soon!)

[stellocchia]

I really liked Wilbur's lore stream from yesterday, so you guys are getting a short stream analysis from me

As always dialogue is color-coded: Wilbur, Tubbo, Ranboo

And since I'm the least concise person ever everything is under the cut

The stream is (DSMP LORE) A Year Later

The stream starts with Wilbur singing the L'Manburg anthem to Ranboo. It is interesting to notice that, just like all the streams since he's been back he doesn't start off the stream by addressing chat in any way but already taking with someone in-universe.

"I'm a big big fan of the song (...) (Wilbur notices that Ranboo was muted) so sorry, let's try again: have you heard that song before?" "Yeah I have, I have. I have- I've had a friend that sings it quite a lot" “Good, good, and I was gonna say, it’s obviously based on Hallelujah right? But the thing is, the thing is Ranboo, right? But the thing is- the thing is Ranboo, right? Is that the reason we did it is because Tommy used to sing Hallelujah to the plants" "Oh, to the plants?" "Yeah! In- in the- around the- around the uhm... around the thing! You know the- the caravan? (...) so, my man, Tommy used to sing to the plants to make them grow better and that was the song he used to sing and so I thought what a way to honour Tommy, you know, one of the most- one of the most loyal members or of our fair nation than by naming the song after him, you know? And singing it based on his little- his little Muse. Tommy is a- Tommy is all of our Muse really I'd say"

I cut as much of this quote as I could while still leaving it well understandable and leaving in everything I wanted to talk about, but man is it long... So let's break it down a bit at a time:

1) The friend that Ranboo referenced that sings the anthem a lot is most likely Tubbo considering that they met him later on in this stream while he was singing that very song

2) The memory of the song seems to still be a particularly pleasant one for Wilbur, which probably explains why Ghostbur as well was so fond of it. He speaks about it positively throughout and it generally seems like an overall positive moment of reminiscence, probably because it's a callback to a simpler time when Wilbur too was, you know, happier overall. It's a reminder of a time before the worsening of his spiral.

3) Also interesting that they kept it in canon that Tommy singing to the plants was what inspired the anthem. Especially because I'm not entirely sure if that's the case considering that the actual anthem wasn't written by cc!Wilbur but by a fan upon his request (obviously this is outside the story).

4) Last thing I wanted to mention was Wilbur describing Tommy as a Muse. Muses in mythology are the inspirational goddesses of the arts, music, and science, Tommy aside from the anthem obviously isn't that. But it is interesting that Tommy does take a central role when it comes to motivating people. We could say that Techno's speech on the 16th was inspired by him since it was directed at him. Similarly, Niki and Jack had their arcs revolving around him. Tommy was able to rally the troops with ease multiple times. And Dream's obsession with him itself is the main motivator for, like, 90% of his actions. So, while he may not cover the role of a muse literally it's not a comparison that is too far off...

They headed to the museum afterward and took notice of the Ranboo poster being missing. And then they headed off to L'Manburg (which, by the way, looks amazing, thank you cc!Phil for that one).

"It goes by L'Manhole now apparently" "I- yeah it's kinda- ugh- I'm not a fan. It's kinda rude to L'Manburg's history, you know? It- it's called L'Manburg. It's called L'Manburg. NOT Manberg, not L'Crater or whatever. L'Manhole, I don't care, it's now L'Manburg, it's always L'Manburg, okay?"

It's interesting that not too long ago he was saying that even L'Manburg itself (with an emphasis on the name) wasn't what was actually important, the purpose of it was. He admits later on that he lied in that conversation, but it's impressive how quickly he trusted Ranboo enough to let him see how much he still cared about L'Manburg when he was so intent on lying about it not too long ago.

Wilbur's enthusiasm about seeing the flag is another nice confirmation about him still caring deeply for his old nation.

"Damn, I really went down to bedrock, didn't I? Holy shit I did- I did a number on this place" (I wonder why Ranboo didn't correct him on this, because Ranboo knows that Techno, Phil, and Dream are the ones who actually exploded the country down to bedrock...)

They end up seeing Tubbo on the other side of the crater and head over to him. While they're heading there Tubbo is singing the anthem himself in a very mournful tone.

One interesting thing that I noticed it's that it's Wilbur that heads towards Tubbo's location instead of having Tubbo go to him like he mostly did with Tommy for example. I suppose it could be because Tubbo having been a president himself is in less of a subordinate position to Wilbur than Tommy who's always been a simple soldier.

"It's like looking in a little mirror, look you're wearing my suit still? How long have you been wearing that?" "Oh I just put it on, just for today" (in a similar fashion to Jack bringing out the L'Manburg uniform to reminisce, Tubbo also brought out clothes he strongly attaches the memory of L'Manburg to)

"Ranboo have you met Tubbo?" "Yeah, yeah. I've- I've met him, I mean we've, uhm... we've been around" (Ranboo still minimizing his relationship with Tubbo to Wilbur. Of course, this is because he doesn't trust him but it's interesting that he isn't even honest about that)

After a bit of back and forth, Wilbur starts apologizing to Tubbo. At first, like most other times he's having a serious discussion he puts himself in an elevated position to tower over Tubbo. It's a neat way to show how his own desire for control affects him, having Wilbur literally elevate himself over others when speaking to them. Literally putting Tubbo down in this situation. Which does make the beginning of his apology very obviously feel insincere.

"I'm sorry for making you president specifically before blowing it up and I'm sorry for when I did this *pointing at the crater* and blew all this up and making this whole. I'm sorry that I uh- that I said that you were the president of a crater"

This is that first part of the apology I mentioned. Just to clarify, I don't actually think that it was entirely insincere. It just feels less impactful due to Wilbur putting himself in a position of superiority over Tubbo, especially because it's something we've seen him do before. It's also to be noted that this time, like others before, he seems to be apologizing less out of actual guilt and more out of a desire to earn forgiveness. Which is not a critique by the way. I just feel like that's a misconception Wilbur has, that apologies serve the purpose of confirming to him that he's doing a good job at changing more than to actually make amends for what he's done. The reason why I think that's the case for the beginning part of this apology as well it's because of how fast he went to ask tubbo if he forgave him, which did put a certain level of pressure on Tubbo in this situation.

"I mean it wasn't- this wasn't all you Wilbur" (thank you tubbo for finally dispelling some of those misunderstandings)

"Yeah so me and mainly Ghostbur honestly, like-" "Ghostbur" (some more of Wilbur not being too fond of Ghostbur)

"Right is he [Ghostbur] this obsidian crap then I take it and these- these fucking dumb lanterns up here" (a bit more)

To correct Wilbur's misconceptions Tubbo starts off asking if the other knew Dream, to which Wilbur responds with how much he appreciates Dream and how he's his hero, which makes Tubbo backtrack and blames most of Doomsday on Techno and Phil. Which, as we know, isn't actually accurate and I have a feeling that this misinformation will be harmful later on once Dream is out of prison (though I don't blame Tubbo for backtracking with how enthusiastic Wilbur is, that was the basic conflict-avoidant approach that Tubbo seems to prefer).

"They rained tnt for days" (if this is actually canon then Doomsday was even more of a tragedy than we previously saw it as. It was days filled with fighting and destruction. Then again, Tubbo has misremembered traumatizing events before)

"Techno and Phil, they hated the government. I mean it was partially my fault as well" "But you didn't blow it up" "No I didn't. I would never have wished or anything like this to happen" "So it was just Techno and Phil?" *long pause* "Y-yeees"

Two things to say here:

1) I appreciate someone in canon recognizing that it's not Tubbo's fault for what happened to L'Manburg and blaming the people who actually blew it up, similarly to how I appreciate Wilbur bringing up with Tommy that it was clearly Dream pulling the strings with his exile with Tubbo. It's nice having it stated plainly for people to hear

2) This is the misconception I mentioned. This is most certainly gonna backfire at some point.

After that Wilbur commends Tubbo quite a lot for rebuilding New L'Manburg (once again being dismissive towards Ghostbur) and is clearly enthusiastic about it, even going as far as to say that that mattered more to him than them building him a grave.

"I just, I feel lost without L'Manburg. All my core beliefs, everything died with it" "You feel lost without a nation..." "I have no purpose anymore" "I guess that's where anarchy fails" (I think this may be the first time someone admits it to someone else, even though that lack of purpose and feeling disoriented is very obviously a shared sentiment amongst the ex-citizens)

After that, it's when Wilbur invites Tubbo to join Paradise, the, supposedly burger van with a small house attached to it that wasn't supposed to become a nation. I have a feeling that the proposition coming right after that exchange may imply that Wilbur changed his mind on it. He does purposefully put himself again in an elevated position when making the proposition.

"Would you like to come join me in Paradise? Literally" "Hmmm, I'm not sure Wilbur. I'm not sure I trust you man, I need to- in order to follow someone I need to trust them" "Wait, wait but you- I thought you forgave me! I thought it was, you know it-" "Wilbur I forgive you because I like to hang on to the hope that people can change, but-"

This is what I mean when I say that Wilbur's apologies come with expectations for the person he's apologizing to. By asking Tubbo first if he forgave him when he originally apologized, he already made it harder for Tubbo to refute that. And now we learn that he expected trust to come along with forgiveness. He's not doing this maliciously of course, but he does seem to have some misconceptions on this.

"I know you had that- that at the festival? With Technoblade? I never spoke to you properly about this. I- I could have saved you" "But you didn't" (other people brought this up, but this is a neat little parallel to the one scene in exile where Ranboo was lamenting about how he should have gone with Tommy and Tommy shut him down pointing out that anyone could have gone but no one actually did)

There is a second round of apologies and Wilbur is still standing higher than Tubbo, BUT he does put himself on his same level after he did a bit more pushing and found that Tubbo was standing his ground. He finally puts himself on the same level as Tubbo and openly acknowledges his boundaries which is the first actual real effort to change that we've seen from Wilbur. Which I'd say is a pretty important step for him.

"Wilbur in order for you to gain my trust back you have to prove it, I can't just give it out anymore. I used to be able to but I just- I just can't" (acknowledgement of how Tubbo's trauma also affected him deeply)

"You know I still have dreams, right? Of the explosion. And- and of the fireworks. And- and all of it. I- I still- I vividly see all of it. Every day. It hurts. It hurts a lot Wilbur"

I want to commend Tubbo here for being able to open up like this, especially considering how much he generally leans into denial and how much he usually suppress. And on top of that this is Tubbo acknowledging that both Wilbur's actions (the explosion) and Techno's actions (the fireworks) have hurt him and STILL hurt him and affect him deeply. It's quite a big admission especially for him.

"Sorry feels like such a weak word. I feel like there's nothing stronger that I can say" (first time that he's standing on the same level of Tubbo while apologizing)

"You're so strong man. Genuinely. You just- just the fact that you proved to me just there that you have this memories, that you have this nightmares and you still find it in your heart to forgive me. That's... you're a fucking champion man. You- you're a hero"

It's interesting that the reason why he claims Tubbo to be strong here is because he forgave him. It's not something that's inherently about Tubbo, like the fact that he still found the strength to go on and rebuild after the events he mentioned, for example, no. What Wilbur brought up is the one thing that Tubbo did for him. Which tells me that he still clearly has a bit of way to go to learn how to make amends and how redemption actually works, but, you know, that's to be expected honestly.

Wilbur moves on by inviting Tubbo to at least come and see Paradise, just to see what they'd made and Tubbo refuses because he wanted to spend more time reminiscing. Wilbur this time respect Tubbo's boundaries with no pushing which is yet another step forward for him honestly. Wilbur also gives Tubbo a "lucky rabbit's foot" that Tommy gave him to cheer him up and assure him that he had no problems with him not going.

With this their conversation comes to a close and Wilbur and Ranboo head over to Paradise (though not before Ranboo has confirmed with Tubbo that he actually does want to be left alone).

"You know I was gonna say 'this is hard' but obviously it's hard. I mean, you know, I've..." (a bit of reflection on his actions for Wilbur, you love to see it!)

"It's gonna get better! It's gonna get better! And it's gonna be worth it when I see them smiling. All of them. Tubbo, Jack, Niki, Tommy, anyone!" (I'm pretty sure that this is a genuine sentiment right here. It really does seem that wilbur's Big Plan right now is just to make amends and change)

"Do you know who the original L'Manburg group were? Do you know who we were?" "I- I think most of them yeah... I think it was like: you, Jack, Niki, Fundy I believe as well" "Fundy was a bit after. Fundy was after we'd gotten independence"

I wonder if that's an actual misrememberance on Wilbur's part (c!Wilbur, not cc!Wilbur, I'm sure cc!Wilbur remembers this) or just him wanting to put some distance between his good memories of L'Manburg and Fundy. Because Jack and Niki weren't there for the independence war either and yet he singled out Fundy who was. And I doubt that he'd forget about his son being one of the people who lost their first life in the final control room. In addition to that Wilbur didn't mention Fundy before among those he wanted to make smile.

I really think that this was intentional and that it was because, well, Wilbur felt deeply betrayed by Fundy. And we as the audience know that Fundy only ever publicly stopped acknowledging him as his father to be able to stay undercover as a spy, but he doesn't. It wouldn't be so weird that he wanted to erase Fundy from his memories of the time when he was supposed to be happy.

"I try and keep this on the low because I don't want uh- I don't want people to use it against me is the main problem. I do wa- I didn't even tell Tommy, I lied to Tommy" "Yeah?" "I'll be honest I'm gonna tell him soon that I lied to him because if it- it kinda eats away at me. But I told- I told tommy that I didn't actually care about L'Manburg and that it was just like a tool for me to use to gain, you know, power and stuff, but it's not- it's not true. L'Manburg is- was really important to me. And it is still to this day"

Once again I'm surprised how little it took Wilbur to trust Ranboo with stuff he hasn't really told anyone else. Makes you really understand how low of an opinion of himself he has that when the first person that calls him "alright" out loud just gets his undying trust. Especially considering that Ranboo doesn't trust him back and hasn't been the most honset with him so far. It's also a nice spelled out admission for anyone who didn't get how much Wilbur cares about L'Manburg from the longing look he gave to the camaravan's replica in the stream where he said he never cared.

"I wanted history to live on, not as a stain caused by me, you know. I basically took a big shit on the history books it feels like" (just another interesting little insight on Wilbur's view of the situation)

"I've heard about what's Tommy's, you know, moved on... and how jack's moved on, and how Niki's moved on and everyone's moved on from L'Manburg at least partially, but Tubbo man, he's still..." (he only thinks the rest of them moved on because he hasn't spoken almost at all with two of them and he never really listened to Tommy. Also, again, Fundy is not mentioned)

"I don't know where I'd be without you [Ranboo] here right now man, I mean T-Tommy's great and all and he's here but I- I feel like, you know, I don't wanna- I don't wanna string him along too much because he's- I- when I look at him. When I look at him when he's helping me out building things with me I see the same eyes that looked at me when... when... There were some- there weren't some fun times in the ravine of Pogtopia. I wasn't a very well man and I can just see Tommy from that day"

This one was one heck of a confession!

I don't know if this is me misremembering, but I'm fairly sure that this is the first time he's admitted to not being great to Tommy specifically. Again, Tommy is the one person he met with so far that he hasn't apologized to. Heck! He told Tommy to his face that him being sorry for his actions didn't mean he wouldn't do them again. It's a pretty damn big admission to acknowledge that that behaviour (which is the same now, if not worse when only related to Tommy) wasn't good. It also shows that he's at least a bit aware of Tommy's emotions which is rarely shown honestly. Though whether he cares because of Tommy or because being around Tommy makes him feel guilty (which is what you'd expect him to feel) and he doesn't like that is to be determined still, mostly just because the phrasing was a bit uncertain at the moment.

"I know what it's like to have no one- or at least feel like no one trusts you. Uhm, and I- I've realized that if- if no one's with you then how can anyone really know when you've redeemed yourself? So that's why I'm here I guess" (Ranboo's answer to why he trusts Wilbur. Which he doesn't, but still)

And the stream ends with Wilbur saying he hopes Tubbo comes around to try out one of the burgers (though he does repeat that he doesn't want Ranboo to pressure him to join) and complimenting Ranboo a bit more.

[wc-confessions]

i might be misremembering, but weren't Feathertail and Stormfur made warriors early too? i know the timeline is wonky as always, but i swear not much time passed since the TigerClan (and they were young apprentices when they became prisoners) and them getting their warrior names. maybe not Fireheart level of early, but almost? so she might not even be an adult (a year old at least, although google tells me that cats are considered fully grown at 18 months, which is huh) when they met, despite having full name.

but again, i might be just counting it wrong and the timeline isn't helping, so take my observations with a grain of salt.

feathertail and stormfur were made apprentices in the darkest hour, and apparently one of the erins said moth and hawkfrost were born during this book. they trained in riverclan for a bit but after the issue with tigerstar, they had to continue training in thunderclan.

it’s likely they moved up a rank for fighting bloodclan, since that’s considered worthy of being a warrior. and iirc brambleclaw and ashfur are said to have moved up a rank for fighting bloodclan as well. and we don’t really know how much time has passed between tpb and a shadow in riverclan, but it’s pretty much implied it wasn’t that long ago considering feathertail’s brooding and riverclan is still rebuilding.

but i Was wrong in the manga feathertail was a warrior for more than a day, but definitely not long enough to be a full adult it seems? she was supposed to be doing apprentice chores for a half moon which is two weeks, but stormfur says she only had done her chores for a few days and thats the same day she meets sasha. idk it’s pretty confusing esp considering that weird plant time lapse, but ig it’s supposed to be symbolism for riverclan rebuilding rather than months passing or something

but apparently, at least from what i’m seeing other people say, the mangas aren’t actually canon with the main timeline. so i guess that’s why they don’t always make sense when compared.

[transvoxman]

Something I think about sometimes is how the story Venomous told Carol and KO about why he left her and faked his death is something he's had 6-11 years to think about and recontextualize and distort in his head to fit whatever narrative he now believes about the whole situation and himself. I don't think he lied about any of it, but an event from that long ago will Always change in your head a little bit every time you think about it, so I wonder how differently he remembers it nowadays compared to how it actually happened. Especially for a decision apparently made on-the-spot, he might not have even fully known why he did it back THEN let alone years and years later. Which parts did he twist in his head to make himself look worse, and to make himself look better? Which thoughts and motives did he only make up later on, and end up assuming were part of his original feelings about it all? We already know he had no idea KO was in the works until he saw him in 'We're Captured!', and yet he brought up feeling like an inadequate father during his retelling of the story--there's just so many ways he could be misremembering the feelings he had back when it all happened

[takerfoxx]

Magia Record, Season 2, Episode 4, "Are You Okay With That?," First Impressions!

Well then.

That explains...a lot.

One point I focused on near the end of season one is how the WoM were framed as villains, despite their actual goals making a lot of sense. I mean, these are children suckered into an exploitative system that will abuse and destroy them, so of course they're going to leap upon a way to save themselves! And for as unpleasant as it seems, the Doppel system really did seem to have no drawbacks! I mean, they found a way to cleanse cleanse soul gems without needing witches at all! That's amazing!

And yet, everything from their behavior, their aesthetic signifiers, to their mannerisms framed them as the villains, as being basically a fascist cult. So it was clear that there was something else going on, that in order to save themselves, they need to do something as horrific as the witches themselves in order to get the Doppel system to work.

Today we learned a big part of it.

And it is appropriately horrifying.

But let's back up: when we last left our heroes, Yachiyo and Kuroe had rescued Iroha from the dream world created by Iroha's new Doppel, reuniting the two main leads, along with promoting anime-only character Kuroe to main character status. And in that, we also learn that the Eternal Sakura is sentient, and promises to see Iroha again after this is over, harkening back to what I said earlier about it apparently being another benevolent AI or something down those lines.

Anyway, the three of them return back to the villa to find their friends still missing, so they resolve to continue the search for Hotel Faint Hope, which apparently is also an Uwasa (more on that later). It is here that something very interesting comes up: Iroha knows both Nemu and Touka, and thinks of them both as little sisters!

Okay, this might be me misremembering things. After all, I only saw the first season once, and that was a long time ago so a few details escape me. But did this come up before? I knew that Touka and Nemu were friends with Ui in the hospital, so it stands to reason that Iroha would have met and befriended them before her memory was wiped, so the relationship itself makes sense. But I was under the impression that she hadn't regained her memories of that yet, unless it happened in a scene in the last couple of episodes of the first season.

Though come to think of it, when the Doppel recreated the hospital in the dream world, Nemu and Touka were there, but it found no memory of Ui and was unable to recreate her. So Iroha has her memory of her sister's friends but not of her sister specifically now?

This probably did happen last season, and I just don't remember.

Well anyway, Kuroe leads them to the current hidden entrance, and we get to see the twins again, which I was happy about, since I like them. And I also like that even though they were only here to be a temporary obstacle, I like that the episode still acknowledged their individual characteristics with the flute thing.

Anyway, Yachiyo stays behind to keep the twins busy while Iroha and Kuroe go on ahead. We get more creepy imagery, including a train, and then we suddenly run into season-1 characters Rena and Kaede, who had joined the Magius previously but now are trying to fly the coop because Kaede had gone to the Doppel-well too many times and it's having a bad effect on her. Unfortunately, Iroha and Kuroe sort of closed the door behind them, cutting off that path.

It's then that we learn our first piece of horrible information: the witch farm. Not only are the Magius controlling witches for their own purposes, they're farming them, imprisoning them within jars, apparently to harvest grief seeds from them.

Two rather nasty bits are divined for this: for one, in order to guarantee a grief seed, witches need to be fed people. And the Magius have been doing just that: creating and using the Uwasa to lure unsuspecting people in to feed to the witches. That alone would definitely answer why they're considered the bad guys. Sure, they have saved themselves, but in doing so, they're basically doing the same thing as the Incubators.

Those who fight monsters, indeed.

But that also raises the question: if Doppels are so effective at fighting off soul gem corruption, why harvest grief seeds?

We get the answer a moment later, when Kaede succumbs to her malady and unleashes her Doppel. Only this time, she can't turn back. As was suggested before, going to that well too many times decreases your control over your Doppel, until it consumes you and you can't turn back. So...basically becoming a witch with extra steps.

Probably should have been mentioned in the orientation.

Anyway, Momoko and condiment-queen Mitama arrive, and Momoko is suitable horrified, while Mitama just brushes it off. She then reveals that this happens a lot, and girls who use their Doppels too often are also imprisoned in big jars. Also, apparently those Doppels we see are of characters from the game that haven't appeared in the show? So, RIP to fans of the game, I guess.

Also, no one knows how to bring back girls who have turned into Doppels, with Mitama eerily saying that it might happen if WoM succeed in their as yet unrevealed true goal.

Which involves Walpurgisnacht.

Which is on its way.

Well, fuck.

But so is Madoka, Sayaka, and Homura! It is nice to see them all behaving like seasoned veterans.

...

This is all just going to end in a reset, isn't it?

Anyway, while I do have some questions, on the whole I really liked this episode. It provided some much needed answers while only leaning in on the creepy. And while I have seen some complaints about it, I also like the serialized pacing of this season, the feel of it being a big, long movie cut into chunks. I know some people would prefer the episodes to be more self-contained, but since they only got eight to work with, it makes sense for them to not waste time and keep the momentum going.

[unforth]

Hello unforth! Thank you for your wonderful blog, and the the untamed art blog!! I followed you years ago for destiel, and you were one of the people that got me into the untamed. I watched it last summer and have been binging various cdramas ever since!! I had a question for you about reading. After watching the untamed I read the novel, and didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would. I think you’re someone who prefers the show, but if not, sorry if I’m remembering wrong… hoping you understand. I want to try reading other novels but I found the romance in mdzs to be kinda off. I guess I’m wondering if you have a recommendation for the best novel you’ve read so far? It would be great if it’s one with fanfic but if not I’m still curious to try! I hope this didn’t come off as rude about the untamed, it’s just a personal preference. Thanks in advance, and thanks again for all your work in fandom!

Howdy! *waves*

You have not misremembered, I definitely prefer the Untamed to the novel of MDZS (and I'm with you, no shade on people with different preferences, of course!). I also didn't enjoy the novel of MDZS as much as I thought I would, though I think some of that was because I read the Exiled Rebels Scanalations translation which - again, no shade, translating that was a HUGE job and kudos to them - but I do here from native speakers that some questionable translation choices were made, which can detract from some people's enjoyment of the novel (and can enhance other people's, it just depends how those translation choices relate to each person's personal likes and dislikes).

Now, I can tell you what I've read and what I've thought of each one, happily - I don't know what turned you off about MDZS specifically, beyond an aspect of the relationship dynamic, so it'll be hard for me to say which of these might appeal to you more? But, here's a list of which danmei novels I've read, and my opinion. The list is shorter than you'd think - danmei novels are long and I read slow, lol.

Note that all of these end happy, for various definitions of "happy," and the main ship is canon in all of them. Also note that I tried to avoid spoilers, but sometimes it's hard to even talk about the ship dynamic without some mild spoilers.

These are (roughly) in the order I've read them; I just finished the last a few days ago. All art is by the official artists, but I'm not always sure what their names are, sorry - I've tried to figure them out for my art blogs but it's REALLY hard.

1. Mo Dao Zu Shi, by MXTX.

(since I'm writing this post for you, and you're already familiar with it, I'm not putting in TW and plot)

My take: I figure knowing my opinion of MDZS will help you assess all this? There are things I loved about MDZS, including the book, but MDZS is still obviously trying to figure out pacing. Whereas in SVSSS, the storyline doesn't always flow that smoothly and the ending is rushed, in MDZS in my opinion the biggest issue is that she clearly didn't plan some things ahead. For example, Miangmian and Wen Ning are both introduced within a few pages of when they'll be needed to Do Shit. It shows that she hadn't quite worked everything out as she was going, and every once in a while was like, "shit shit I need a character for this thing" and hastily added them. The plot itself is better paced, though, though I could have wished for a less talky denouement. When it was the only one I read, I also often thought, "this author doesn't understand consent," and, "this author has kinks I don't share." Now that I've read all three of her books, I completely retract the first one. MXTX absolutely understands consent, and was intentionally playing with it in MDZS. Not sure if the evidence of that got lost in translation, or what, but...yeah.

Relationship Dynamic: ...the second of those opinions, I still kinda feel. The consensual non-con is just not really my thing, like I'm okay with it in small doses? And I don't love some aspects of Lan Wangji's domineering attitudes and Wei Wuxian's act of bare tolerating it. And don't get me wrong, now that I'm more familiar with her work, I think it was an intentional writing choice and I also think they're both largely roleplaying it a lot of the time...but I still don't personally enjoy it much.

2. Scum Villain Self-Saving System, by MXTX.

Genre: modern transmigration into a fantasy xianxia world.

Where to find it: English translation by BC Novels | donghua season 1

Trigger warnings for: graphic descriptions of suffering, non-con of the "fuck or die" variety, and body horror...I can't think of anything else rn?)

Plot: SVSSS is MXTX's first novel, and is a satire of classic stag harem novels. Shen Yuan, the protagonist and half the main ship, is reading a serialized web novel by "Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky" about a demon named Luo Binghe who has a harem of over 3,000 women and has done all kinds of ghastly awful things. He hates this novel but has read all, like, 3 million words of it or something, and trolls every chapter...until one gets him so angry that he dies...and then he wakes up in the book right around when the book starts, in the body of one of the early antagonists, a cultivator named Shen Qingqiu who abuses a young, innocent Luo Binghe physically and emotionally and, ultimately, is horribly tortured to death. Shen Yuan, in Shen Qingqiu's body, thus sets out to not be horribly tortured to death by Luo Binghe. Hijinks ensue.

My Take: In terms of my opinion of it...SVSSS secured for me that MXTX is a much more brilliant author than I thought when I'd only read MDZS. She understands tropes and subverts them brilliantly throughout the story, and from a writing standpoint, I was impressed with her. However, from a plot standpoint...she's got all the ideas but hasn't, imo, yet figured out how exactly to bring them all together. The pacing is off at times, and the ending felt abrupt to me. It's also the only danmei I've read where I ship a side ship more than the primary one (which is, of course, Shen Yuan (as Shen Qingqiu)/Luo Binghe. (also, oops...I read SVSSS after TGCF and just put them in the wrong order, oh well, not gonna change it now.)

Relationship Dynamic: In terms of relationship weirdness...it's hard to sort in that regard, because, like, it's supposed to be weird? I think it's a really interest book but I'm not sure I'd recommend it in your situation. Bingqiu's main dynamic is...uh...tolerance and obsession? They're kinda hard to describe. Shen Yuan often seems like he's just kinda putting up with Luo Binghe, whereas Luo Binghe is...god. So hard to describe, lmao. He's a big clumsy ox in a museum full of porcelain dishes and he really, really loves his Shizun. (also note that Shen Qingqiu is Luo Binghe's teacher. They don't get together until after they're not master/student, but if that's not your thing, another reason to avoid.)

3. Tian Guan Ci Fu, by MXTX.

(art is by Starember)

Genre: historical China (loosely), xianxia (note that I'm still figuring out exactly how stuff gets classified so sorry if I get one wrong, but I think I kinda get it???)

Where to Access It: English Translation by the astonishing yummysuika | manhua (this is an official translation by Bilibili! It's a few chapters behind the actual release, but still...) | donghua season 1 is on Netflix | a live action adaptation is juuuuust getting started on script reading and filing

Trigger warnings for: MCD, temporary MCD, body horror, graphic violence, epic levels of mind fuckery, uh...genocide?...again, racism/colorism, probably other stuff, sorry, I can't take as long as I'd like to for this post so I'm not being as thorough as I oughta be.

Plot: TGCF is about Xie Lian, an 800 year old man, and it commences at the moment when, unexpectedly, he ascends to godhood...for the third time. Unfortunately, when he ascends, he accidentally does some damage in Heaven, and he has to repay that, so he gets sent back to earth to deal with a ghost who's been causing some problems. Hijinks ensue...and then fucktons of angst ensue...then more hijinks...then more angst...and basically it broke my heart like four times and I am grateful for it every day? The main ship is Xie Lian and a ghost named Hua Cheng, but it's hard to even talk about without some spoilers because of some identity shenanigans. (they're VERY mildly identity shenanigans, but still).

My Take: So, you asked what my favorite of the danmei novels I've read is? It's TGCF. TGCF is one of my favorite novels ever, and it has a growing fandom, a donghua that's on Netflix, and a live action that's just starting to film. TGCF is the culmination of the skills MXTX developed through her first two works, imo. She clearly plotted it out all from the start, and while Book 1 especially often seems kind of random - lots of elements are introduced and then kinda...apparently...forgotten? And never explained? But she actually DOES bring it ALL together and it's flat-out masterful. I'm a big fan, obviously.

Relationship Dynamic: it again depends on your preferences and what you didn't like about MDZS, and there's no way to talk about it without spoilers, so consider yourselves warned. Xie Lian ascended to godhood first at the age of 17, and right around then he also saved the life of a 10 year old boy...and that boy is Hua Cheng. Hua Cheng is a follower of Xie Lian's, in that Xie Lian is literally a god, and Hua Cheng is literally one of his followers. However, they're separated for almost 800 years, so the age difference is largely irrelevant, and while some people complain about Hua Cheng's behavior being stalkery and obsessive, I honestly think they're dead wrong. It's more like when you read a celebrity/fan AU, and it starts weird, and then they really genuinely fall in love. Like, the fan may have been in love the whole time, and how they felt about the celebrity before they really met might feel slightly ooky, but it's how they act AFTER they meet their idol that matters more, and...yeah, Hua Cheng is great, they're both great, antis fight me. Xie Lian is easily one of my favorite characters EVER, he is all my favorite tropes in one horribly, wonderfully fucked up martyristic idealistic sweet kind laid back package. I would kill for him, lmao. In terms of their relationship dynamic...they love and respect each other? There's really nothing that weird about it other than the aspects of the "fan" Hua Cheng that get revealed over time - and he's always terrified that when Xie Lian realizes what a fanboy he was, Xie Lian will be upset or disgusted, but of course Xie Lian never is. They adore each other. It's glorious. Highly recommend. :D There's also no explicit content in TGCF (unlike MXTX's other two books).

4. The Husky and His White Cat Shizun (aka 2ha) by Meatbun Doesn't Eat Meat.

Genre: original world, xianxia, time travel, dimension hopping, it's so many things, 2ha is so hard to describe lmao

Where to Access it: English Translation by the amazing yummysuika (things are complicated, though, and it's not finished) | a manhua is in the works and should be out this year | a live action called "Hao Yixing" or "Immortality" is already filmed and could theoretically air literally any time cause it's completely ready, but when will it actually come? Who knows!

Trigger warnings: all of them. Literally. MCD, temporary MCD, murder, suicide, suicidal ideation, suicide attempt, rape/non-con, abuse, manipulation, gas lighting, torture, graphic violence, body horror, literal graphic onscreen horrible blood murder of a small child (I had to skip that chapter), teacher/student relationship sort of but not exactly, probably other stuff, this book is dark as fuck, and a lot of these tags apply to behavior of one half of the main ship toward the other, but...it's complicated, and there are reasons things happen, and those reasons aren't "well they're just a bad person."

Plot: This is another one that's hard to describe because there's sooooo much mind fuckery going on, but I'll try. 2ha is about Mo Ran, who rises to be the Emperor of the World, Taxian Jun, but slaughtering all who oppose him...and who is so miserable that he commits suicide, only to wake up in his 16 year old body. This is pretty much perfect from Mo Ran's point of view, because he's gone back so far that the love of his life, his fellow disciple Shi Mei, is still alive. He has a chance to fix everything that went wrong, starting with preventing his awful evil Shizun, Chu Wanning, from letting Shi Mei die.

Spoilers: the main ship in this book is Mo Ran/Chu Wanning.

Hijinks do NOT ensue. There are no hijinks in 2ha. It is all pain all the time (but I swear it ends happy).

My Take: ...well, from a structural standpoint there are some pacing issues. The book is incredibly long (over 300 chapters, over 1 million words) and there are definitely some chunks that could just be excised and it'd still be fine. However, other than that, it's pretty amazing and absolutely masterful how it's plotted. As a reader you'll spend 100+ chapters thinking you know what's going on, and who the good guys are, and who the bad guys are, and how they relate to each other...and then Meatbun starts in on revealing what's ACTUALLY going on and she then spends 200 chapters repeatedly punching you in the face! Like, I went in knowing a LOT of spoilers, because the tags were so dark that I felt that for my mental health it was important I have a general idea what was going on, and I STILL ended up sobbing my eyes out (and I am NOT an easy crier and don't usually cry at books) over something I knew was coming.

Relationship Dynamic: That's about the only thing that the title accurately conveys about this book. "The Husky and His White Cat Shizun," sounds so soft and fluffy, right? That's how they get you, ha. But, Mo Ran is absolutely a big dumb husky who wants to do the right thing (well, sometimes he does) but just completely fails depressingly often. When he sees someone he likes come in the front door he WILL jump all over them and bark in their face as his way of trying to communicate affection. And Chu Wanning is equally absolutely a cat. He is emotionally constipated, poor at expressing himself, uptight, touch starved, desperate for affection, and so lonely my chest hurts when I think about him. And for how they relate to each other...well, picture that big dog greeting a loved one at the door...except that loved one is the most hide-bound proud white cat you can imagine.

That's their dynamic.

(However, also...there are multiple timelines at play, and Taxian Jun does some truly awful things to "his" Chu Wanning in the original timeline, and many of these things are graphically described, and while it's ultimately all explained, it still all HAPPENS, so if you're going to have trouble reading fucktons of abuse between the main ship, I would not recommend this book)

5. Thousand Autumns (Qianqiu) by Meng Xi Shi.

Genre: historical China (like, references actual people, as far as I can tell), xianxia

Where to Access it: ...reading Thousand Autumns is HARD, it's split over like four websites/translators. This Carrd can kinda help? I can get you the rest if you want | donghua season 1 | I heard there's a live action in the works? But I don't know more than that.

Trigger warnings: graphic violence, mentions/threats of sexual violence (but it's all stopped before things really go wrong), starvation, description of child death (from starvation), near-death, emotional/mental abuse, major semi-permanent character injury, god, minor character death, they're major characters depending on your pov, I can't actually think of others, after writing about 2ha it feels positively fluffy). Note that there's not really any explicit content, just implications of smut, and not til basically the very end and extras.

Plot: Yan Wushi, sect leader of a demonic sect, has just come out of an extended seclusion to improve his cultivation when he and one of his disciples come across a man who is wounded to the point of near death. This turns out to be Shen Qiao, the sect leader of Mount Xuandu. When Shen Qiao awakens from his wounds, he's lost his memory, AND he's blind, and Yan Wushi decides it would be great fun and an excellent use of his time to fuck with Shen Qiao by trying to turn him evil - because Yan Wushi is certain that ALL people are inherently evil, and shattering Shen Qiao's veneer of righteousness will just help prove that.

Spoilers: it's not a veneer.

Not spoilers: Not many hijinks ensue, but there are a few hijinks, and even when it's not hijinxed, it's still not that painful...usually.

My Take: despite that synopsis, a lot of the plot of Thousand Autumns is actually political, and I like political plots, so I liked that aspect of it. However, it has some serious pacing issues imo, and it's also hard to read in English atm because it's not fully translated; it's close, now, much closer than when I read it a few months ago, so it'll be easier to read soon. Or maybe I shouldn't say it's pacing problems, but rather, it's more of a sequence of multiple major plots, strung together, with the growing relationship between Yan Wushi and Shen Qiao playing out in the background. I think if I'd known there was no "one big plot" that would have actually helped me, because it kept feeling like, "Oh, THIS is the main thing," but it never was. Things would feel climactic...except then there'd be more. So it's probably better to actually think of it as more...episodic? And the episodes/stories build, and interrelate, and do have a culmination, but not all of them directly tie in, and not all the threads end up coming together/getting resolved.

Relationship Dynamic: early on, Yan Wushi is definitely abusive and manipulative, intentionally so, and I would argue that, imo, Shen Qiao falls for it. However, mid-way through, there's some big reveals, and after that when they're reunited Shen Qiao no longer takes any shit and Yan Wushi continues to act like he doesn't care even when he clearly does. They're not a typical ship in ANY WAY, and I'd say their relationship is more founded on mutual respect than on love. Indeed, in the author's notes at one point MXS actually says they doesn't see them as the kind of couple to ever exchange love declarations, and I thought that was really interesting and it really helped me to understand how they worked together because I'll own I struggled with at times. Yan Wushi is self-interested, often cruel, and ethically and morally dubious. Shen Qiao, on the other hand, could probably ascend to Daoist godhood, he's so pure. Yet...they DO work. I'd say "opposites attract" but that's ALSO not their main trope, not exactly. They're a VERY hard ship to explain, and I know some people who've read the whole book and still don't really...get them...and I've had to really think about them to wrap my head around them...but the more I've thought about them, the more I like them.

6. Those Years in Quest of Honor Mine by Man Man He Qi Duo.

Genre: historical fiction set in either actual China or make-believe China, I'm not sure if this is directly incorporated any real people

Where to Access It: English Translation by Perpetual Daydreams | manhua (untranslated, I'm not sure if there's anyone translating it into English) | I think there's a live action in the works? Not sure beyond that though.

Trigger Warnings: suicide attempts, suicidal ideation, drug addiction, drug abuse, chronic illness (different character than the drugs), manipulation, abusive, awful parents and parental figures (not all, but definitely some), some homophobia (but way less than there could have been), probably other stuff

Plot: After 7 years away, Zhong Wan returns to the capital of the Empire with the three children of his benefactor, the seven-years-dead Prince Ning. Prince Ning was executed for treason against the previous Emperor, and Zhong Wan has done all he can to protect and raise the three kids, but he's got a lot of worries about returning to the capital and what could happen to his charges if they get pulled into the politics surrounded the Emperor. But, even worse, he's got even more worries about being reunited with Yu She, nephew of the Emperor, with whom he has more than a little history...and about whom he has been lying for the past 7 years, claiming that he is Yu She's lover, in a bid to help use Yu She's reputation to protect Prince Ning's children.

Hijinks ensue.

And so does a political nightmare.

My Take: TYQHM was a hard book to get into because there are just so many characters and it's all about politics - this is NOT a xianxia or wuxia novel, and these characters are NOT cultivators. There's basically nothing supernatural in the whole book; instead, it's about Zhong Wan and Yu She figuring out their own histories, and accepting each other, while trying to survive in a political world that increasingly wants both of them dead. However, I adore political plots, and when all was said and done I really enjoyed it, and I'm trying tooth and nail to claw other people into the fandom with me, so far with basically no success. It only has like 15 works in English on AO3. And so not only does it not fit that requirement of yours...

Relationship Dynamic: ...I think you would also probably not like the relationship dynamic? Zhong Wan is a bit like Wei Wuxian-as-Mo Xuanyu, except more...genuinely? Like, it's his actual personality, not an act, in quite the same way. I don't mean the "flamboyantly gay" part...usually...he definitely has his moments...but he's just...like, he's been through so much that he'll basically say anything, and drag himself entirely through the mud, to distract people who might hurt the three kids (they're like 16, 13, 13, now I think? It was never THAT clear to me, tbh...certainly, all are at least 10...) and, later, Yu She. He has zero face, and doesn't mind having negative face when he feels the situation demands it...and Yu She, on the other hand, has MAJOR depression issues, is sure he deserves nothing, and mostly wants to destroy everyone around him and then kill himself, at least until Zhong Wan starts giving him a reason to live again. But, more than that...Zhong Wan is like the fucking epitome of a bratty subby bottom. He wants to get fucked SO bad. And Yu She is an incredibly reluctant dom, hilariously so at times, uncomfortably/manipulative so at others. When all was said and done, I was pretty fond of them both, but there were definitely moments that made me grimace, and given what you say of how you felt about MDZS, I think this one is less likely to be to your taste?

Bonus 7: Guardian by Priest. I never finished the novel version of Guardian because the translation had some issues that caused me not to enjoy it, so I won't get into it too much, but again, Guardian is a very different book than any of the others, because it's modern fantasy(ish, like, it's still deeply embedded in Daoist-related tropes but it's more "magic spells" and less "cultivation." Like, in terms of what it's like, it felt more like Japanese modern Onmyoji style stories, to me, than it felt like the ancient Chinese wuxia/xianxia cultivation stories.). I'm not gonna get into lots of details, because I read part of the book more than a year ago, and have seen the show (which is VERY different) like three times, so I can hardly even remember what they're like in the novel. There was definitely some weirdness, though? If you're potentially interested, I'd suggest starting with the drama instead. The plot for that is...

Plot: Zhao Yunlan heads a Special Investigation Unit in the human world tasked with maintaining a treaty between humans and the dixigren ("undergrounders") who are (in the show) aliens (in the book...it's the world of the dead). While doing this job, he keeps running into this professor, Shen Wei, who definitely knows more than he oughta.

Hijinks ensue.

And then it murders you with feels.

The live action streams from YouTube - here.

(Warning: uh, I don't want to give spoilers, but my "guaranteed happy ending" does NOT apply to the Guardian TV show...but it does apply to the book, as I understand it.)

*

Anyway, this was a terrible use of my time but it was definitely more fun than what I should be doing, and it's probably way more information than you wanted or needed, but since I wasn't sure what exactly you had in mind, I figured...might as well be thorough?

(Today's hyper-focus fail: this post, ha...)

[tartcherryscones]

"If you ever truly existed!"

TLDR; @Bioware's Dragon Age writers: If you even truly exist, maybe give Omnism a look, because the way most religions are treated in Dragon Age is kind of depressing.

My fellow fans, you ever think about Corypheus' death scene and psychically shoot a frosty glare at the Bioware team that does Dragon Age? I do. "What was that sudden chill?" one writer asks, shivering. "It's April in Edmonton: the high today is 40," another says. "No, it was that lesbian in Texas! She's at it again!" a third replies, banging a fist on their desk. And then they send me a polite email asking me to stop, because they're Canadian, but I don't because they deserve it.

Seriously, that line where he's like, "Oh noes! I'm having a crisis of faith! Was Dumat ever real? Like, really real???" just makes me cringe. Look, this isn't a hidden god kind of situation. Dumat is real, okay? Like 100% real. I mean, he's dead, but he's still real. You can have faith in Dumat like you can have faith in butter.

No one ever questions the reality of butter; it's so real it has manifested on your plate. The Congregation for the Causes of Saints isn't going to bother checking if butter really happened, because they know it did. Butter leaves no room for doubt. You can have absolute faith in it. You can spread it on toast, you can sauté vegetables with it, you can put a little on a tiny plate to spoil your cat. Now, you don't have to like butter. Arguments about butter are common as milk. You might think that butter is bad for your cholesterol, or that cows deserve better than to be kept in miserable conditions to make butter, or that Bill Gates has put microchips in your butter, but your faith in the reality of butter is more solid even than butter. Maybe as solid as frozen butter even. No one is questioning butter... Until apparently Corypheus does for some unknowable reason. Get this man some coffee and toast, for pity's sake! He must have had a really rough night.

See, the Old Gods were worshiped not because people believed in something their priests said, but because of something the Old Gods said. Namely, "Sup, peasants! We're gods!" Truth of the matter asserted aside, there were definitely dream dragons chatting to people in the Fade! Furthermore, they were out there rewarding followers, punishing backsliders, and doing loop-de-loops in the Fade-sky. They might even have massacred Barindur! And Corypheus knows that because he has talked to Dumat before!

Before he decided to go full-time b-movie horror villain, his day job was as the freaking High Priest of Dumat. He presumably had the privilege of talking to Dumat more than anyone else did. He was the primary conduit of influence for the worshipers of Dumat to their god.

"No, not like this! I have walked the halls of the Golden City! I have crossed the ages!"

Now, Corypheus might have been upset at not being able to find his gods in the Golden City when he rolled up like an unholy Ms. Frizzle in his elf-blood-powered Magic School Bus, but he has surely since figured out where they really were. Somebody must have told him about the fucking Blights, okay? He knows that the Old Gods were actually underground by the final confrontation with the Inquisitor.

So what is up with this line?

"Dumat, ancient ones, I beseech you! If you exist, if you ever truly existed, aid me now!"

Why are you talking like this, Cory baby? Are you okay? Sweetie, he's gone. Dumat is dead, sweetie. He died a long time ago. Literally everyone else in the whole world knows that. Dumat was the first Old God tainted and killed. The Grey Wardens killed him. You know, those guys you mind-controlled? Yeah, those guys. They could tell you all about it. Their order was actually created to kill Dumat. Dumat's tainting actually touched off the First Blight, which was a somewhat important historical event. Maybe look it up in any history book, or in the Chant of Light, or, better yet, just ask anybody; it's kind of a big deal.

To me, Corypheus' line just smacks of the writers trying to pit one religion against another for the benefit of the Christiany one. I don't like it. Firstly because this is badly done, narratively speaking. Corypheus doesn't even worship the Old Gods anymore and having Corypheus react as if his faith in them is being tested here strikes me as OOC.

Let's not forget that Corypheus had started a new religion with himself as a living god. This is not that uncommon in the real world and people who do this (i.e. cult leaders) don't tend to renounce that stance. By appealing to Dumat, Corypheus is admitting his own weakness and admitting the superiority of Dumat over himself. Corypheus' whole schtick was that he was better than everybody else!

And of course it's anti-non-monotheist because that is Bioware's pattern. Elvhen gods? Aristocrats who hunt people for sport. Modern elven gods? Misremembered historical figures. Avvar gods? Swole spirits. Ancient Tevinter gods? Singing dragons who lied about what part of town they live in. The dwarves' Titans/Stone? Singing crystals that give you a really bad trip, bind you to the hivemind, and make you wander away into the darkness, never to be seen again.

But the Maker? He is a hidden god, so nobody knows, except you should infer that He does exist because He can bring Leliana back from the dead, make and fulfil prophecies concerning what no-good demon-worshipers will say in their final moments (see:Corypheus and Andraste 7:19 "They shall cry out to their false gods and find silence."), and give the Herald just enough luck to survive anything. To do otherwise would seem to be taking a particularly un-meta stance.

Look, Bioware, I get it, you're Christians not polytheists. But seriously, you don't have to shit on everyone else's religions to prove that your favorite one is worthy. You set up all these lovey mythologies! Let some of them be true! Also, it makes things feel kind of bleak and disappointing when you focus so much on proving all the polytheists (and only the polytheists) wrong. For me, it strips some of the wonder away.

Religion is the most magical part of our world. It literally involves willing something (inner strength/gods/spirits of nature/souls of the dead/etc.) to change something about the world. That's magic! It might involve a third party (generally), but it's still magic! It might involve sacrifices of candles, burning incense sticks, donating money, giving up meat, saying special words, reading a special book, drawing sacred circles, or burning entrails in a sort of trade for service, but it's still magic, just like in Thedas! A prayer is not different from a spell. In Thedas, prayers to purify one's soul and prayers to set one's enemies on fire both work. At least, the latter demonstrably does.

Ultimately, you take a little bit more of the magic out of Thedas every time you prove another religion wrong there. You are reducing the fantastical in your fantasy. Please stop it.

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

Hello! I'm pretty sure I saw you mention a while ago that you were disappointed by confessions of the fox, would you mind explaining why? I've seen mostly good things about it myself. If I misremembered then I'm sorry and I hope you have a good day :))

I think this is one of my less popular opinions. And I understand - we so rarely get historical fiction with trans folk as the titular character (indeed, we rarely get any fiction what that). So I get people’s desire to laud it. 

For me though? It fundamentally didn’t work as a book. As a story.  

Let me count the ways. (Apologies in advance for the length of this.)

First: If you’re trans-ing someone who was historically cis instead of seeking to find a real, historical trans or gender-nonconforming person, I have questions. 

Most of the questions can be summed up as: Why? 

I struggle with historical fiction that takes a cis person and re-imagines them as trans as if there aren’t already literal historical, real trans people out there whose stories can be told. It smacks as (unintended, well meaning) erasure of lived experiences. 

Jack Sheppard, to the best of our knowledge, was a cis dude. There were trans folk in London in the 1710s and ‘20s. You might have to dig a bit for them, but they’re there. Because trans folk have always been there. 

Second: Characterisation 

This is more personal taste, but I found Jack and his girlfriend Bess to be inexcusably boring. How a trans, thief and gaolbreaker in 1720s gin-soaked London can be written as boring is anyone’s guess. But he was. 

Jack had no real personality and I found his story to be uninteresting. Oh, he’s the world’s best thief and gaolbreaker, that’s nice. But on its own it isn’t enough.

He had few to no faults. Childhood trauma isn’t a personality. Nor is being trans. And the author relies heavily on gender + occupation (thief-ness) to equal personality. So it falls very flat.  

Bess, his girlfriend, is a mixed-race sex worker from the Fens (even though actual real-Bess was from Edgeware). She seems to only exist to demonstrate that Jack is good at sex. She also veers a little into the Mystical Woman of Colour Healer Who Aids The White Person on their Journey of Self Discovery trope. 

Neither Bess nor Jack undergo any real change in the book. They exist in a weird stasis and experience no development, despite living through some harrowing things. They’re wooden dolls who move through the story without really engaging with, or being influenced by, the things around them. 

The other “main” character is a modern Academic who “found” this supposed “manuscript” of Jack’s life and is annotating it. His story unfolds in the foot notes and it’s just so messy if not a bit contrived. It didn’t make sense. I think the author was trying to convey that the Academic was in a sort of dystopian future, but if that’s the case it didn’t work. And if that’s not the case, the entire inclusion of the Academic’s story served only to annoy and take me out of the reading experience. 

E.g. There’s a scene where the Academic is being taken to task by the Dean for playing stupid games on his phone during office hours and like honey, lapsed-historian/academic here, trust me the Dean doesn’t give a fuck what you do during your office hours so long as you’re in your office and students can come bother you about their poor marks. 

The manuscript is supposedly being sought after by this pharmaceutical company for nefarious reasons that never struck me as being entirely realistic/believable. Also, the university was spying on this non-tenured, slightly useless Academic as if he somehow mattered? Which made zero sense. Anyway, it was stupid and should have been ripped out of the final version. OR changed substantially. 

Jonathan Wild, the thief taker (main antagonist to Jack), is probably the only interesting person. 

Third: Lack of Follow Through, or, the Fabulism Was Not Used Well 

The book tries to blend in some fabulism to the world by giving Jack the ability to “hear” the thoughts of inanimate objects. This could have been fun and gone to some interesting places, but it failed to deliver. 

I personally found the shoe-horning in of “capitalism commodifies everything” to be sloppy and heavy handed. It was done with little grace and didn’t sit right given that we are dealing with the early modern period. Yes, you can use the past to critique our modern woes, but do it intelligently. Don’t slap modern points of view and understandings of things onto the past and expect them to make sense. 

Anyway, Jack spends the book hearing inanimate objects talk to him, asking him to “free” them, or something. And uh .. .it doesn’t go anywhere interesting after that. 

Also the correlation one can draw from these objects to, you know, slaves, is uncomfortable. Especially as it’s the cargo of the EIC ships that Jack hears. I don’t think it’s intended in any sort of malicious way, but the allusion is there and I always found it to be distinctly uncomfortable. 

Fourth: Misuse of Marxist Theory, or, More Heavy Handed Moralizing that Annoyed the Dear Reader because it wasn’t subtle and, more importantly, it wasn’t done intelligently. 

So, the author is an academic - studies 18th century lit. Which is readily apparent as his Academic (self-insert) character is, I believe, supposed to be a historian and uh ... you can tell that the author doesn’t know enough to wing that. E.g. How he interprets some of the laws and customs of the time. Instead of understanding the social, economic and, most importantly, environmental issues that gave birth to laws like “the corporation of the city of London owns the streets so you can’t muckrake” he chooses to understand them through a very 21st century lens (and a Marxist one at that. I know I’m perhaps a bit uncool for this, but I find the application of Marxist theory to the early modern period to be ... not useful). 

Do you know why, mid/late 17th century London passed these municipal laws? Because of the god damn fucking plague you numb nut. You absolute buffoon. It had nothing to do with “oh the City/government is evil and wants to own you” it had to do with the fact that no one cleaned the goddamn street. So the city took over doing it. 

Prior to this, in London, you were supposed to keep the street in front of your building clear of waste, debris, refuse etc. No one did this, of course. I live where it’s cold and snows a lot and people can barely shovel the 2 sq ft of sidewalk in front of their driveway in the winter. I dread the idea of an average homeowner being expected to keep the street clear and clean. 

Anyway, guess what dirty streets attract? Vermin. Guess what comes with vermin? Plague. Guess what happened in 1665/66? The great plague of London! 

17th century England might not have understood germ theory, but they did understand correlation. (Also, the population of London was doubling at the back half of the 17th century and streets needed to be reliably cleared for through-traffic reasons etc. etc.) 

ugh, sorry, that one in particular drove me up the wall. Not everything is a capitalist conspiracy. Especially when we’re talking about municipal by-laws from the 17th century. 

And I understand the temptation to read a lot of modern interpretation of words like “corporation” and “company” onto bodies that used these same words in 17th and 18th centuries. But the weight, meaning and connotation of “the worshipful company of merchant adventurers” is different from, I don’t know, “the tech company google” or whatever. The early 18th century is when we start seeing the birth of the stock market, of “venture companies” (i.e. merchant adventure companies), of a lot of the language and proto-iterations of what will grow to be economic institutions of our time. But it doesn’t mean they’re the same and that difference is important. Because Jack Sheppard is a man living in 1720 he’s not going to be having our modern 21st century critiques of capitalism because his engagement with the economic systems of his time would have been radically different to our own experiences. 

Fifth:  Unbelievable Top Surgery & Recovery 

So, Jack gets top surgery. In 1720s fever-ridden London. While quarantining in a brothel. 

And he lived! No infection! No tearing! He was up and about in a matter of days. I don’t remember if his nipples survived the operation or not but somehow Jack did. Without anesthetics! Or you know, any concept of hygiene. 

His Mystical Girlfriend Who Exists to Show How Good Jack is at Sex is also somehow Magically Very Literate and also Magically a Surgeon? and performs this surgery on Jack in the middle of a plague. 

The entire ordeal was so poorly handled in terms of believability that I literally set the book down and said “what the fucking fuck” to the empty room then drank wine before finishing the chapter. 

An aside, it is funny thinking about the quarantine chapters at this point. I read COTF when it first came out a few years ago. Sweet summer children, we none of us had any idea how to write quarantine scenes. 

That reminds me: the entire quarantine thing was presented as the government trying to control movement and take away people’s rights etc. instead of a very normal, typical response that cities had been enacting since 1350. Samuel Pepys, who lived through the 1665/66 epidemic, barely even notes the restrictions. He’s like just “hmmm I’d love to go to the pub but I also don’t want to die. so. *shrug*” 

At the time of the author’s writing, most of us in the western world had no idea how normal and day-to-day disease was for our ancestors and yes, sometimes there would be crackdowns to try and curb it if an epidemic hit. That was part and parcel of life. So again, Jack and Bess wouldn’t be like “ooooh we’re 21st century slightly libertarian lefitsts who think the government is doing this to control us and for nefarious purposes”. Much more likely, they would have been like Pepys and viewed it as nuisance, albeit a necessary one. 

Sixth: Overall Lack of Realism 

I think I’ve noted the big moments where I was like “no one in the early 18th century would think that I’m pretty certain”. This isn’t to say people didn’t grouse, complain about London government (and the king etc.), critique or question the world they lived in. They absolutely did! Regularly. With great verve and gusto, if the broadsheets are anything to go by. But their critiques, their complaints, suggestions for bettering life, are not the same as ours. Because how could they be? They lived in a different world, were responding to specific things, grew up hearing and believing certain things etc. 

Jack, aside from having minimal to no character, really did read like a modern slightly-libertarian leftist who was plunked into a novel that takes place three hundred years ago. 

In addition to unrealistic political views, his understanding of body, gender, sexuality and identity also read as incredibly modern. Now this is harder, because we have so few extant sources from that time on those who lived non-gender conforming lives, and from their point of view, so yes creative imagining and interpretation is the rule of the day for writing that. 

But, we do know how in general the average person engaged and understood gender and sexuality and that would, naturally, inform anyone whose experience was different. And that base line of “probably what a typical cis Englishman or woman felt about their body and identity” wasn’t present. At all. 

Indeed, gender engagement at that time was interesting. The concept of the body, the role of the physical body, how it was interpreted is absolutely fascinating and the author could have done some really cool things with that. But he didn’t. He went for slapping a modern interpretation onto the past. 

At this point, write a dystopian novel and make Jack a fictional character. That probably would have gone over better, for me at least. The conceit can remain the same: It’s the year 4056 and an Academic found a manuscript from the year 3045 when the Dystopia Was a Thing - and go from there. 

--- 

I think part of what made this very popular and why people seem so taken with it is that it reads smart. It reads like someone who has immersed themselves in that world etc. because of the slang and language used. 

Yet, for me, as someone who has studied this period extensively, especially queerness in London in the late 17th and early 18th centuries, it read flat and unrealistic. 

I was initially very enthused when I started it. There are some posts to that effect on my blog. But it very quickly went south. It tries very hard to be Radical and Smart and Subversive and Critiquing Everything and so I think it fails at the fundamental thing it should be doing: telling a good story. 

(Note: The book does try and address racism in London at this time. It also felt a bit forced. And Jack seemed to have no prejudices or preconceived notions about Indian and Black folk which isn’t realistic. Like, it might make him #Problematic but my dude, you’re writing a man born in 1702. He’s going to have some iffy views. That can be challenged! Absolutely. But they still would have existed.) 

---

Thank you for the ask! I again apologize for the length of the reply. 

[theanimeview]

Theory: The True Voice of Yusuke Urameshi

By: Casea Mhtar, @madamekrow​

Yu Yu Hakusho is ultimately my favourite anime, to the point where I can’t bear the thought of liking an anime more than it. For example, Berserk (1997) will be my “number 1” while Yu Yu Hakusho has exceeded the list altogether because its pedestal is just that high. That is the length I must go to secure a strange sense of balance for myself and stave off yet another identity crisis for a different reason. So you can probably imagine how much chaos was thrown at me when I found out that Yusuke Urameshi’s voice actor is completely different than the one I vividly recall when I found myself rewatching the series a few weeks ago. I have a memory of my sister and I watching a single episode she had taped on VCR and we would specifically watch the credits nonstop. We were trying to memorize the song (with great success, I might add).

At the time, there was still no means of listening to the ending theme anywhere other than its source. YouTube wasn’t really a thing, and even if it was we didn’t have access to the same databases we have today. So we watched that part over and over and over again. I remember etching each image into our minds, every lyric into our internal roster of songs as it played on repeat. The names kept popping up just as they did before the last and the voice actor of Yusuke Urameshi, my favorite character, was none other than Yuri Lowenthal.

I distinctly recall thinking “Yuri, that’s a cool name” to myself as his name came up again and again. Not to be rude, but “Justin Cook” just isn’t exactly a name that would elicit such a thought from me and, indeed, never came to mind since I am certain it wasn’t in the credits of my beloved Yu Yu Hakusho VHS. 

So, in my rewatching of the show, present-day me had the initial assumption that what was going on here was a perverse version of the Mandela Effect. However, looking into it now, I feel that completely waters down my experience and doesn’t actually explain what happened. 

I mean, I can’t simply ignore my recollection as being a false memory, as every Mandela Effect is reasoned away with. No. I needed to find true reasoning for this madness. 

For the sake of convenience and for the lack of a better theory, I will settle on there being an unexplained dimensional shift. Certainly, any reasonable person could argue that I made a mistake. I simply misread the credits, maybe even pulled that name from somewhere else. Or perhaps Yuri was Yusuke’s voice actor from a different dub! But that isn’t the case as seen in this YouTube video comparing EVERYONE who has voiced Urameshi. 

So... Let’s say this was all a misunderstanding on my part. BUT THEN it didn’t just end with me incorrectly reading names in the credits over and over. I didn’t wrongly perceive the Funimation dubbing as being someone else and then call it a day. I was validated in my belief for a long period of time by outside sources.

.Hack//G.U. Vol. 1: Rebirth (2006)

The overall series of .Hack// is a subject I will certainly indulge in more in the future, but for the purpose of staying on-topic, I shall restrain myself. The reason I bring it up now is because in 2006, when .Hack//G.U. Vol. 1: Rebirth was released (I will always say it in full!), the protagonist--Haseo--sounded so familiar. I couldn’t quite figure it out until I saw who was credited with the voice acting. Out loud, in front of witnesses (if you count my birds), I said, “Yuri Lowenthal?. . . Wait, is that the voice of-”

I looked up his name to find he was-at that time-credited as the voice of Yusuke Urameshi. Quite a mistake that is since officially he is unlisted in the series yet multiple people around the world think otherwise, the same as me. Not only that, but updating all of Lowenthal’s pages to be credited with Haseo in addition to Urameshi. Many people had to review those pages, many people happened upon those pages and never bothered to correct them. That’s what really gets me. Sure, if my Ego was backed into a corner then yes, I can perhaps admit that my eyeballs had failed me and that’s all you’re gonna get out of me! Yet there is no copy I can find of him voicing the character online.

Could this be an example of lost media instead then? Well, no. Apparently not. Most anyone I’ve told about this believes I am confusing him with someone else. They may not remember “Justin Cook” at the top of their heads, however they are adamant about Yuri Lowenthal never, ever voicing Yusuke Urameshi. Because he didn’t... in this dimension.

Perhaps I truly am mixing him up his voice with a different character? Yuri Lowenthal is also famously the voice actor for Sasuke Uchiha in the english dub of Naruto. An extremely popular character from an anime that is surrounded by an enormous and ever growing fan base. The problem with that is, I’ve never watched Naruto. I didn’t even know Lowenthal was in any way a part of Naruto until I was somewhat adjusted into adulthood. When explaining my entire theory to a friend, I asked them if they can imagine the essence of an other-dimensional Yusuke within the voice of Haseo. 

“All I hear is Sasuke from Naruto,” They bluntly said.

I’ll be honest... That hurt more than it should have, but I swallowed my pride and looked into it since I’ve never actually heard what Sasuke sounds like.

What I begrudgingly find is that my friend was right. Again, this was the first time I had ever heard Yuri Lowenthal as Sasuke and I didn’t know that he was the voice actor until a few years prior. This entire ordeal leaves me feeling unnerved that there are so many loopholes being found in the False Memory Theory. It can’t be completely dismissed as large scale misinformation or misremembering. That is why I had to settle on the theory that there was some strange dimensional shift, even with how outlandish that sounds.

The Discovery

I don’t know when it occurred and I’m not sure how I missed it, but it happened. You would think being thrust out of your prior dimension, or being crammed into a different one, would have some sort of impact. Maybe that’s why I developed back problems during my teenage years, I can’t really say. All I can recall is the feeling of my stomach hitting the floor through the bottom of my feet when I finally found out. I was watching the DVD box set of Yu Yu Hakusho that my friend lent me and I could immediately tell something was not right. Yusuke didn’t sound anything like I remembered, the voice--the tone--was weird, his inflections were way off, it was all wrong! WRONG, I TELL YOU. So, to the internet I went only to find someone else being credited...

“Justin Cook this” and “Justin Cook that” appeared all over. There was even a video of him yelling “spirit gun” for a fan and I was still in disbelief! There was no way! This wasn’t possible! 

Apparently, in this dimension it is though, and that is a fact that I will have to live with for the rest of my life... or until reality throws me back to my own dimension. The knowledge that I will look crazy whenever I tell this story, as well as the reality that there could be more dubs out their with voices unknown. Not just voice actors, but entire animes—maybe video games, even people I thought I knew! Who knows what was left behind with Yuri Lowenthal as Urameshi! I don’t care to think about it too much. My heart is wounded enough I tell you. I already have a crippling fear of one day finding out my whole life is a lie—I don’t need to rack my brain about all of this as well.

In Conclusion,

Yuri Lowenthal was fantastic as Urameshi and I wish I could somehow put my memory into an audio clip for everyone to hear. Not so much to prove that he was better, but to solidify why my experience is very real to me. Though, if you did hear the Yusuke that I knew, I truly believe you would think it was pretty good at the very least. (Not that Justin is bad... just that it feels wrong to my beloved memory... sorry Mr. Cook.) On the bright side, Lowenthal is plenty successful and I am always rooting for him regardless. Sure, Justin Cook is my “number 1” Urameshi in this dimension, but the Yuri Lowenthal rendition that doesn’t exist in this world has exceeded the list all together in my heart. His pedestal is just too high.

What about those of you reading this? Do any of you have a similar experience? Maybe you also remember Yuri Lowenthal as Yusuke Urameshi! Let us know! (Let ME know! Please--I beg someone to find a copy if one exsists in this world. 😭) 

Happy Wednesday. I guess. Bye. 

[unibrowzz]

My Personal Eurovision Winners (and then some) Part II- 1960 - 1969

Yeah I’m resigning myself early to the fact this is probably going to be 90% me rambling about the year and 10% me talking about the actual song LMAO 

I’ll try and talk as little about the actual winners as possible, I’m still working on my main reviews for them and I’ll try to get them posted before next year’s contest at least.

... By this point I’m sure a lot of you already know my opinions on some of them pffft. 

But let’s go! 

1960- Norway- Nora Brockstedt- “Voi voi”

You have no idea how much I wanted to put the UK for this. But I wanted to limit myself to only one double victory, and since I put the UK down for 1959, I had to go with my second-favourite from this year. Not that I’m mad or anything, especially as this is one of the only times Norway actually shows up on this list . This is a very perky, playful song, cute premise, cute lyrics, it sounds different and has it’s own mood, like yeah this is a solid entry from Norway and one I wish would’ve taken the crown instead of Frances entry.

1961- France- Jean-Paul Mauric- “Printemps, avril carillonne”

I’m trying to keep the number of winners down, so I’ll just start off by saying that I love Nous les Amoureux. Is it one of my favourite winners? No, but it’s still a very unique and bold entry for its time. I’d say it fully deserved its victory, if I’m honest. But screw it, let’s try and keep the number of real winners down, shall we? I’ll hold my hands up and say that I only went for this since I don’t remember anything else from 1961, because I probably should rip into this one since it has a lot of tropes I hate. And by that I mean it’s repetitive and feels twice as long as it actually is. Like it’s only three minutes but it feels about five.  But... it’s charming. It’s extremely charming. I don’t really have much to say, it’s just a very fun, charming song. I like it, even though you definitely feel every second of the runtime.

1962- United Kingdom- Ronnie Carroll- “Ring-a-Ding Girl”

I will preface this and say that 1962 sucked as a year and the winner itself also sucks. I’ve seen a lot of people put Un Premier Amour in their top favourite French entries of all time and I just do not get it, it’s an absolute chore to listen to in my opinion and one of my least favourite winners of all time.  So let’s move on. I went into 1962 actively looking for another song I preferred, and though I initially preferred Finland’s entry, I eventually settled on this one. This is another purely British entry, simple yet extremely effective, innocent yet charming, and will probably threaten to hang around in your head all day. This is UK fluff at it’s best.

1963- Germany- Heidi Bruhl- “Marcel”

Yanno, I really didn’t want to include any real winners on this but fuck me, I almost did for this one. 1963 sucked. Like it really sucked. I can barely remember any other song aside from this one and the winner Dansevise, and though this song is a joy to listen to, the lyrics are a bit...

Uh, up for interpretation? Also the song repeats the second and first verses word for word, which is just lazy. I don’t really need to say much about Dansevise, since I know it’s a very popular winner that’s in a lot of people’s favourites list, which is why I’ve defaulted to this one. Like I said, it’s an absolute blast to listen to, it’s very cheery and upbeat and the singer certainly sounds like she’s having a good time singing it, so even if the lyrics are a bit off at least she doesn’t sound uncomfortable performing them. Unlike, yanno, other female-led songs from the 60s. So yeah, go give this a listen.

I uh... I guess I’m not doing actual winners in this thing, am I? Oh boy. 

1964- Germany- Nora Nova- “Mann Gewohnt sich zu Schnell an das Schone”

I’m very sorry I couldn’t include the umlauts, my keyboard is British. But everyone knows by this point that the real winner of 1964 gives me hives, so naturally I went into the contest looking for a alternative winner. And it was between Germany and Norway for this year, and I eventually settled on Germany after realising I could hum it about one minute after the song ended. This is a very sharp, snappy sounding song, it has a bite to it that reminds me a lot of “Ne Crois Pas” from 1956. I suppose that’s why I like it so much, I just have a fondness for sharper, snappier sounding songs with a lot of rhythm and punch to them. Expect to see more, and hey if you like punchy songs too then maybe you’ll find some favourites too.

1965- The Netherlands- Conny Vandenbos- “’t is Genoeg”

So just like with the above contest, I cannot fucking stand the song that won in 1965, I think it’s an absolute abomination of a song that doesn’t deserve an iota of the credit people think it’s due.  So, needless to say, just like with 1964 and 1962, I went into this actively looking for something, anything, that stood out to me after one listen. And thank fucking God the Netherlands pulled this out of the bag on the first entry to save me from having to listen to the rest of the year.  Which I still did but it wasn’t worth it at all. Anyways, for our “”first ever uptempo winner””, why the absolute fuck couldn’t we have this? This is better in every way. It’s sharp, it’s snappy, it’s staccato in all the right ways, there’s no teenager being tricked into singing something insulting, like it’s just... better. And doesn’t have any creepy backstory.

1966- Italy- Domenico Modugno- “Dio, come ti amo”

Yeah I know I ranted about this one ages ago because he wanted to serenade an 18 year old or something, but he didn’t do that at Eurovision so it’s fair game as far as I’m concerned. Anyways, this is a weird song. Unlike any old Eurovision entry I’ve heard before. I swear I always misremember this song as using a theremin in its instrumental, it just has such a weird, eerie, otherworldly sound to it, like it’s a song from a horror movie or something. And I love it! As you can probably tell, I’m not big into older Eurovision, most of the years just end up sounding the bloody same after a while, so of course I’m going to take note of a song that sounds this out of place. Especially in a year where I can barely remember the song that actually won half the time.

1967- Portugal- Eduardo Nascimento- “O vento mudou”

And today on “how the Hell did it take Portugal until 20-fucking-17 to even reach the top five”... Now 1967 wasn’t actually that shitty in terms of 60s contests, I can actually remember more than one song this time. I don’t really care for many of them, winner included, but it at least had more variety than some of the other mush I’ve sat through. This song stood out to me overall; it’s very dramatic with its intro, yet infectiously groovy once the actual singing starts. You just wanna snap your fingers along and groove your shoulders with it, it’s awesome. Also did you know this song was covered by Portugal’s 1989 entrants?

1968- Norway- Odd Borre- “Stress”

I know I said Germany should’ve won this year but I’ve since developed an allergy to Wencke Myrhe’s music. And it took me a while to get into this one because after my first listen I just found it kind of repetitive and boring. But then, suddenly, I found myself enjoying it again. And then it was on my playlist. And then I’d say it’s probably my favourite Norwegian entry out of everything they’ve sent. ... Come to think of it, nobody’s ever asked me for my favourite Norwegian entries. Huh. But this song just goes for it. It’s cute, it’s charming, it’s staccato and rhythmic which I like, the lyrics are clever, yeah I just... really like this song, no other way to say it.

1969- Monaco- Jean Jacques- “Maman, maman”

I said I didn’t want to include any child singers on here but Monaco just HAD to ruin it. How dare they send a song so charming and innocent, yet with lyrics which aren’t insultingly bland and overly childish. How dare they send a performer with more charisma than half the adults competing. How dare they make it catchy. How dare you Monaco, why couldn’t you have sent a song of this calibre with an adult at the mic so I wouldn’t feel bad about picking a song sung by a child star >:( (On the other hand, thank you Monaco for sending a child star and apparently not bullying or pressuring them into performing. At least, not from what I could find.)

[clever-and-unique-name]

I want to talk about something that’s happened over the last couple days. It’s late (or early, depending on how you perceive 4am), and I just...feel like I need to tell this story. It’s going to be long, so I’ll put it under a cut.

--------------------

A few months ago, I saw a callout post about someone in the DID tags. I thought they were being treated unfairly, so I reached out to them and stood up for them. I even helped convince them to give tumblr another shot after the dust had settled. They seemed so grateful.

Over time we were...acquaintances. They messaged me kind things and compliments. I thought they were trying to be my friend, but I was wary. I couldn’t tell you why. It was just a feeling. Even though it felt paranoid, I tried to keep them at arm’s length.

Then a couple days ago, we got an anonymous ask complimenting our art. Moss, one of our younger parts, answered it, claiming she was confused by the compliment. A different anon responded and, misunderstanding Moss’s frank cynicism, tried to cheer her up in a way that was triggering. Moss replied with a snarky comment.

What followed gets a little difficult to explain succinctly. The anon’s tone turned vulgar and insulting. They sent several more messages, in which they swore at us, called us ungrateful, demanded we acknowledge how we had hurt them, told us to “grow up.” We only published the very last one.

Minutes before this barrage of anons, the acquaintance mentioned earlier sent us a similar ask about the same topic. When we published the final anon, the acquaintance commented on the ask in “comfort.”

As it turns out, the person sending those nasty anons was actually the acquaintance. They were the source of my distress while simultaneously offering “comfort" for it.

We struggle with believing peoples’ sincerity during the best of times. We often worry about being deceived, and question peoples’ intentions and motives. This felt like a confirmation that we’re right to be paranoid. It also felt like a betrayal from someone who we’d gone out of our way to show kindness to before.

We turned off anonymous asks to get some peace, and blocked the acquaintance. So they resorted to sending anons to our friend instead, claiming that we were mistreating them and that they were the true victims here. Our friend firmly set the record straight and explained how their behavior towards me was unacceptable.

We then received two “apologies” from this person, and I use quotes because I found both of them...lacking. My main issues with them were that they still felt guilt-trippy (including things like “I’m pretty sure you couldn’t care less for my explanations”, and claiming they were going to leave the platform again), and they failed to actually acknowledge the extent of their actions. They relied on vague things like “what I did was wrong” that neither talked about what they actually did nor the effect it had on me.

I know it may seem...particular, but the seeming lack of empathy made me wary. It really didn’t seem like they understood the extent of their misdeeds. It wasn’t just that they sent us nasty anons--they were duplicitous, pretending to be “on our side” and sympathetic, while sending the messages that were upsetting us. It was manipulative. It was confusing and hurtful. I really did not get the feeling that they understood just how grave their actions were. So I didn’t respond to their apologies--I thought maybe it would be best to just fade away.

Then, as if determined to prove me right about not trusting them, they immediately turned around and wrote about how we apparently demanded an apology from them and hurt them so deeply. They insinuate that we owe them an apology. They say we “need to learn how to accept genuine apologies.” (Apology not accepted, by the way. It never will be. Our forgiveness is out of your reach, so you can stop “trying” now. -Abel)

I don’t know why I felt like I had to write all this out. To document the event so I don’t misremember it, maybe? I think my memory plays tricks on me a lot. It makes me think that I somehow deserve the scolding, that I somehow deserve to be treated this way, or that I invite the betrayal somehow.

But I don’t deserve it. What happened to me was not okay. All of this, over one snarky comment.

-- a blurry person

[firebirdsdaughter]

hmm, yesterday I re-read the last chapter of the Ex-aid novel and I was thinking since Zero one has Takahashi as a writer, in the Ex-aid novel he made such a great revelation about Emu and his family life, and If something similar happens with Aruto, what gives me that feeling is that we do not know anything about his past beyond his father and grandfather, of whom I have a feeling that he did not have a very good relationship.

According to the Hiden family grave… I believe Aruto’s grandmother died long before he was born, and it said that both his human parents died, like, the same year he was born? But I could be misremembering. I’ve personally never read the Ex-Aid novel, and I’m not sure how I feel about some of the things I hear it introduces, but it is true that both shows are written by Takahashi.

I’m not sure we’ll see any version of Soreo again (even the actor was apparently surprised to come back), but we do know very little about Korenosuke—other than the fact that he had a reason to be suspicious about something at least twelve years ago, that Amatsu looked up to him, and that Aruto very notably was more worried about being late for work than his grandfather’s funeral, indicating they weren’t very close/didn’t see much of each other. Currently, I’m more inclined to think that it was more that Korenosuke was distant than any actual animosity. After Daybreak, Aruto would most likely have been left in Korenosuke’s care, but the guy would have had a lot going on, and he strikes me as the type to get ‘lost’ in his ‘big dream’ and maybe forget those around him. So, my guess is that Aruto may have been raised by staff or either more HumaGear while his grandfather worked/seemed to have no time for him. This probably led to Aruto being lonely, having few friends, and possibly being more comfortable around HumaGear than around humans.

To be my predictable self, to me, this just makes his relationship w/ Fuwa even stronger/more important. Not only is he really Aruto’s first proper human relationship, he’s also (imo) filling a role that has been very painful for Aruto in the past—he lost his human father as a baby, then the HumaGear in a traumatising way, and then his grandfather was distant/rarely there. A lot of the way Fuwa behaves, trying to give Aruto a pep talk, having his back, having enough faith in him to recognise MCH as ‘not Zero-One’ right of the bat, and stepping in to stop Aruto from going too far, then calling him on taking that risk, Gai concluded it would be more painful for Aruto if he made Fuwa shoot Izu, Fuwa was willing to actually injure himself to prevent that… Right down to finding his jokes funny… He’s become one of Aruto’s biggest allies and supports. I mean, he’s even a wolf. Come on. Bc of Fuwa’s temper and Aruto being slightly older, there’s a little bit of a difference, like the scene where Aruto holds him back from charging Gai, but even then, it’s just kinda like the ‘kid’ being a little older and able to do more. Naturally, me also being me, this just makes me want to see angst w/ them even more, bc that could be Aruto having to face the possibility of losing a sort-of father figure all over again… Could be some very beautiful angst and drama and then heartwarmingness later. ^^

[cheeseeatingtrashmonster]

Can This Time Be Any Different?

Written for​ @felixmonth day 11: First Kiss

Alternate title “Binaries”

-Not every force in the universe has a polar opposite. Most don't, in fact. But there are a few binaries that exist in balance with each other, weaving the fabric of the universe with their give and take.

Life and Death.

Black and White.

Order and Chaos.

Luck and Misfortune.

Creation and Destruction.

Long ago, a few powerful magicians learned how to unbalance a few of these pairs. They could shape the world around them.

But there were always consequences.

-

"Who are you?"

The voice made Nino jump. He turned around, but he didn't see anyone in the darkness of the Paris rooftops.

"I'm, uh-" Nino looked down at his superhero outfit. "Red Luck."

A shadow darted around and over the roofs until someone in dark black with large, glowing eyes was crouched on the chimney above him.

"You're my other half."

Nino took a step back to see the stranger better. All he could make out in the moonlight was his outline; hunched shoulders, thrashing tail, points of hair in the shape of cat ears.

"Who are you, then?"

He dropped in front of Nino, standing to his full height. "I'm Black... Tiger."

Nino tried to suppress a chuckle. "You sticking with that?"

He shrugged. "Let me know if you come up with something better." He kicked backwards at the chimney, but misremembered how far back it was, and fell on his butt when it didn't catch his weight.

"Catastrophe sounds like a good name for you," Nino said, biting his lip not to smile.

He glared at Nino for a second, then cocked his head to the side, considering. "I hate why you suggested it, but I actually love the name. My power is to destroy things. It seems appropriate. Plus, I like puns."

Nino smiled. "I'm glad you like it, Catastrophe. So, what's this 'other half' stuff about?"

"We're partners. We're here to balance each other, protect each other."

They would grow to learn that protection comes in many forms.

-

Ladybug and Chat Noir are two points on a spectrum. They represent the far ends of the extremes. But in reality, they're just two souls, saddled with burdens bigger than they can be expected to carry.

-

"You missed patrol last night," Red Luck said when Catastrophe bounced into his field of view.

"I'm sorry about that. I lost track of time. I was researching. Researching us, actually."

"Us?" The two started running their patrol route, checking dark alleys and other trouble spots in the city as they went.

"All the Ladybugs and Chat Noirs before us. Did you know, we're actually reincarnated? We were destined to have these miraculous. They were ours before, and will be ours again after we die."

"Reincarnated? Like, past lives, and getting a new body, but the same soul each time?"

"Basically. And it sounds like our personalities change a bit each time, but some core piece of us is tied to our miraculous."

"That's so cool!" Red Luck wrapped his arm around Catastrophe's waist to swing them across a gap between roofs too wide to jump comfortably. "What else did you find out?"

Catastrophe pulled away from his partner a little more quickly than normal when they landed. "Not... not a lot. Bits and pieces."

"Super cool, dude. Let me know if you find out anything else that's cool about past-us."

"Of course."

-

Every Ladybug and every Chat Noir have fallen in love with each other. Every pair has the same two souls, at the core, so it's only natural that they would find each other again, love each other again.

-

"Why did you do that?" Red Luck demanded, pressing his Lucky Charm, a towel, against the gaping wound in Catastrophe's upper leg.

"Because I love you, you idiot!" he hissed.

Now that they knew they had lived the lives of heroes before, sometimes Felix or Nino could feel a sense of deja vu in their interactions. Not deja vu, exactly. It felt more like a memory.

In this case, a battle had gone poorly. One had tried to sacrifice himself for the other. They had both barely escaped with their lives.

"Well, I love you, too, jerk!" Red Luck shouted back.

Like falling into a memory.

-

Felix had done thorough research on his many pasts and those of his partner's. The pattern, the painful truth, had made itself apparent after a while. Once he saw it, he couldn't un-see it. After that moment, his only goal was finding a way to exit this loop and save them both.

Or, if he couldn't do that, to save his partner.

-

"Are we really doing this?" Catastrophe whispered. His arms were wrapped around himself, and he was biting his lip.

"I'd really like to," Red Luck said. "I love you. I want to know all of you, and I want you to know all of me."

"And... then what?"

Red Luck blinked, eyebrows drawing together and bunching his mask. "And... and then we can be together. In or out of the mask."

"Then I have something to tell you, first. We can't-" He cut himself off, drawing in on himself tighter, smaller.

"What?" Red Luck held out his hands, and Catastrophe snatched them up, squeezing tight. "You can tell me anything, ask me for anything."

"I don't think you'll like this, though." He glanced up from their hands, meeting Red Luck's eyes. The look he received gave him the courage to speak. "I don't want to kiss. Not on the lips. Anything else, I'm okay with." He gave a tiny smile. "I'm looking forward to what 'anything else' turns out to be, actually." He squeezed Red Luck's hands again. "Say something. Is that too much? If you want to think it over, we don't have to reveal tonight. We can wait until-"

A flash of pink light cut him off.

"Hi," detransformed Red Luck said, taking Catastrophe's hands again. "I'm Nino Lahiffe. I love you. If not kissing is something you need, then we won't kiss."

Catastrophe took in his words for a minute. This was Nino. Nino loved him. This time, the echoes of their past selves served to amplify his feelings. He was loved. He was full of love to give to this man. And every past Ladybug and every past Chat Noir had loved each other. The weight of loving millennia worth of Ladybugs was overwhelming and beautiful.

He dropped his transformation.

“Hi. I’m Felix Agreste. I love you. And your love is more than I could ever deserve.”

Nino stepped forward and slowly lowered his face until their foreheads touched. Their eyes closed, their breathing intermingled, their noses brushed each other.

And it was as beautiful as every time before.

-

Somewhere along the line, something had happened to the two souls known as Ladybug and Chat Noir. This was because their souls were both committed to one side of a different polar pair: Good over Evil. And Evil had found a way to hinder the pair.

In simple terms, it was a curse.

-

“Do you know, last night I had another nosy book club lady ask why she’s never seen us kiss?”

Felix set his coffee and Nino’s tea on the nightstand of Nino's dorm and crawled into his bed, appreciating the warmth that always came with being in Nino’s arms. Nino's classes didn't start for another hour, and Felix's were almost done for the day.

“As if that’s even the oddest thing about us,” Nino muttered, burying his face in Felix’s sweater.

“Do you regret agreeing to it?”

Nino felt Felix tense. He pulled back, blinking sleepy eyes at him. “Agreeing not to kiss?” Felix nodded. “Nah. It took some getting used to, or whatever, but there are so many other ways we show we love each other. I would give up the world to make sure you feel safe and happy and comfortable with me, dude. I would just plain give up the world for you.”

Felix slid to sit up against the headboard and reached for his coffee. As he lifted the cup, the lid popped off and the cylinder of the cup squashed in on itself, forcing hot coffee up and out of the cup, onto Felix's hand.

Felix swore and scrambled out of bed, quickly running to the bathroom down the hall to soothe his hand with cold water. “If I can stay strong enough, you will never have to give up anything for me again," he whispered, knowing Nino wouldn't hear him.

-

From the moment the curse went into effect, one of the duo, in each incarnation, would be plagued with bad luck. The only thing that could break the curse was their first kiss. The longer the cursed partner went without that kiss, the worse their luck got.

But each first kiss only banished the curse until they were reborn.

-

Felix hadn't expected this. The pit in his stomach told him that he should have expected it. But he hadn't, for some reason.

"Dude. An answer would be nice."

Felix's eyes snapped back to Nino kneeling in front of him with a ring in a box in his hand. He couldn't speak. He couldn't breathe.

Nino must have seen the panic in his eyes because he set the ring on the coffee table and sat next to him on the couch. "You can say that you're not ready yet. That's okay. I'm never going to have a problem going at your speed."

Felix covered his mouth with one hand and gripped Nino's shirt with the other, not caring that it would wrinkle. He turned into Nino and sobbed.

"I'm sorry," Nino whispered, his arms circling Felix. "I thought you wanted this, too."

He couldn't bring himself to tell Nino that it was all he wanted. He couldn't bring himself to say that the moment he had moved to kneel before him, he could see their life together and their future. He couldn't bring himself to say that if he had all that, if he let himself have what every other Char Noir had taken for granted, there was no way he wouldn't slip up and kiss him.

All Felix could manage was, "I'm sorry."

Their whispered "I'm sorry"s continued until late in the night.

-

Felix, like every Chat Noir, would do anything to protect his Ladybug. When he found out about the curse, he was given a new purpose in life.

The curse must die with me, he decided.

-

Seconds after Nino woke the next morning, he knew something was wrong.

It wasn't that Felix wasn't in bed. Felix was an early riser.

It wasn't that anything was missing or misplaced in the bedroom, from what he could see.

But something was wrong.

Nino pulled on a hoodie over his pajamas and went to the kitchen. The snow outside was bright and fluffy. The kitchen was semi-clean. The living room was cluttered (mostly with books).

The coffee maker wasn't on.

It hadn't been used at all since the day before, judging by the cool heating element and dry, clean pot.

Nino didn't try to lie to himself that Felix was probably out getting coffee from the place down the street. He started looking for the note. Because of course, Felix would leave a note before running.

He found it on the end table next to the couch, on a copy of Felix's favorite book, under the box holding the ring.

The note was brief. It explained exactly nothing. Felix was gone because he proposed, and Nino would bet almost anything that he wasn't coming back.

Nino sat on the couch and ran a finger around the edge of one of his earrings. What had gone wrong? Weren't they soulmates? Literal, reincarnated soulmates?

He didn't cry, because he knew the story wasn't over.

-

Bad luck has a purpose in life. But too much of it, like too much of anything else, leads to a miserable life.

-

Felix had taken very little with him when he left. By the time he had gotten out of the country, he had even less, having been mugged.

He was alone. All he wanted was Nino. And the only thing he couldn't have was Nino.

He set up a small shop in a small village and performed small acts of magic, making a trade as a run of the mill magician. He was known for his efficiency and tendency to accrue injuries while he worked.

He was known for being lonely.

-

Nino tried to move on. At first, it was to spite Felix. He boxed up all his things and donated or recycled them and looked at the empty spaces with a mixed feeling of pride and anger.

Then he tried to move on because he knew Felix was doing what he thought was best for his Ladybug, because he knew Felix would want him to try.

He never seemed to reach some magical point where it didn't hurt that his Catastrophe of a man was gone. Without his other half, he was still a person unto himself, full and complete. Light is still light in the absence of shadows. But that doesn't mean the light doesn't long for the dark.

He was lonely.

-

Felix's apartment building caught fire three times. He got every cold that went around the town, no matter the precautions he took. His identity was stolen. He broke bones from small falls, he was robbed, mugged, his store vandalized, he got parking tickets no matter how careful he was.

And every moment, he missed Nino, his Ladybug, his partner, Red Luck.

None of it was enough for him to return to Nino. None of it was enough to make him ask for the kiss that would save him.

But some days, it was enough to make him stare at his phone, the number in place and his thumb hovering above the “call” button.

-

Nino was picking his son up from the school bus when he got the call.

“Mr. Lahiffe?”

Like that morning when Felix was gone, he just knew.

“Yes. Who is this?”

The caller stated his name and the hospital at which he worked.

“You’re listed as the emergency contact for one of our patients.”

The backpack he had taken from Jean, his son, slid out of his hand and fell into a snowy puddle.

“Dad?”

Nino scrambled to grab the bag, slinging it over his shoulder. He grabbed Jean’s hand and started walking faster, listening closely to everything the hospital worker said.

“I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Nino hung up and immediately ran his hands over his face, shoving his glasses out of the way.

“Was that about the man with blond hair?” Jean asked. He was in the kitchen, drying his backpack with the good kitchen towels.

“How do you know about him?” Nino asked, taking the backpack and emptying its contents on the table so he could properly wash it. He thought he had gotten rid of every physical sign of his Chat Noir years ago.

“Aunt Alya has pictures of you with him. She hides them when you come inside.” Jean started setting up his homework. “Are you mad at him?”

Nino considered this.

“I don’t know.”

“Is he okay?”

“I hope he will be, soon.”

Nino didn’t tell “Aunt Alya” why she needed to take Jean for the night, possibly longer. She didn’t ask, either, which surprised him, until he saw himself in a mirror. He looked like a man who was haunted.

-

“You know you shouldn’t have come,” Felix said when the door to his hospital room creaked open. He didn’t open his eyes.

“You know,” Nino said, walking over to sit on the bed, facing but not touching Felix, “you never said why you wouldn’t let me kiss you.”

Felix’s eyes still didn’t open. “We’re cursed.”

“Yeah, see, I started doing some research of my own after you ran off like a scaredy cat.” Nino felt the smallest bubble of pride when Felix’s lips twitched into what was undoubtedly a smile.

“And what did your research tell you?”

“If you die without breaking the curse in this incarnation, you won’t come back next time.”

His silence was all the confirmation Nino needed. Felix had known this.

“You were going to leave me to be born again and again without my partner and pair.”

“I was going to let you live without this curse.”

“Look at me, Felix.”

His eyes opened. They were glassy with tears.

Two heartbreaking syllables.

“Nino.”

“I’ve been waiting for this call for years. Since I started researching what could have made you think you needed to leave.” He shook his head. “No. Since the minute I knew you were gone.” Nino held out his hand. “Will you come back and stay with me?”

“Nino.” The name was like water on his dry lips. “If I stay, you suffer.”

“I’ve suffered more these years without you than any lifetime I’ve been the one cursed.” He shifted closer. “Will you please come home, Felix?”

He closed his eyes and took Nino’s hand.

“Will you do something for me first?”

Nino couldn’t tell whose hand was shaking harder.

“What do you need?”

Felix opened his eyes and pushed himself up until he was sitting with his forehead against Nino’s, their noses brushing and breath intermingling like it had the night they revealed their identities.

“Kiss me, Nino.”

And the curse was broken.

Until next time.

-

Felix moved in with Nino and Jean as soon as he was released from the hospital. Nino was nervous about the two of them meeting, but Jean accepted another father into his life with joy. Within a week, one of his favorite activities was reading with Felix. Within a month, he turned to Felix in the middle of one of their reading times and made him an offer.

“When Dad adopted me, he said I could call him Nino forever if I wanted, or wait until I was ready to call him Dad. So if you’re ready, I’ll call you Papa, or if you aren’t, I’ll keep calling you Felix.”

Felix looked to Nino where he was practicing on the piano. He knew Nino could feel his eyes on him because he started smiling, but he never looked over at them.

“I’m ready for you to call me Papa,” Felix said, “if you’re ready for me to call you cuddle-bug.”

The sound of Jean giggling and demanding that Felix call him “stink bug” exclusively, combined with Nino repeatedly playing the wrong notes while laughing at them was more than enough to convince Felix he had made the right choice.

Being with them was the right choice.

-

"I knew you'd come back," Nino whispered a few hours later, pulling Felix's glasses from his face and tossing a blanket over him where he slept on the couch. "You always have."

-

This was why the curse was so effective.

It could not end.

Because they could not be apart.