#abuse advice

[arian-archivist-11]

Don't let abuse slide. Call it out if and when you can. Set boundaries.

Fight back at your own pace of course. You need to be assured in the truth to truly and effectively fight back. As assured as you'd say the sky is blue.

You are right and there is NOTHING wrong with standing up for yourself. You do yourself good by doing so. That's how we learn and grow.

[reasonsforhope]

I don't know who needs to hear this, but especially with the end of the school year coming up soon, and a bunch of people about to leave high school or about to leave college, I just wanted to say:

Being an adult can be really nice, actually!!!

Like, okay, yeah, life can be fucking stressful sometimes, and there's definitely an annoying amount of paperwork.

But me and just about every single adult I know will agree: I would never choose to go back to being a teenager, even if I somehow could.

Insert obvious disclaimer that nothing is universal. But for people worried about aging or graduating into the next chapter of life, here's some words of reassurance:

When you're a teenager, your brain is extra mean to you. Like, neurologically. All of the changes it's undergoing really, really increase rates of depression/anxiety/etc. A lot of the time, literally just not being a teenager anymore is really good for your mental health

Less than five months out of high school, everyone I knew my age was like "Thank fuck we're no longer in high school." Once you leave high school and adolescence there's really just such a dramatic drop in petty bullshit. Shit that would have been a huge social humiliation or gossip in high school is really often just like, "Hate that for you, man." Boom, done.

When you're a teenager or a brand new adult, you're encountering so many problems for the first time ever. When you're older, you just. Have learned how to handle a lot more things. You know what to do way more often and that builds confidence

When you're an adult, other people generally don't care if you don't do things perfectly, because jobs and life don't work like grades. This was such a trip to learn, honestly? But when you are an adult or have a job the bar for success is usually just "Did you do the thing?" or "Did you do the thing well enough that it works?" or "Did you show up to work for your whole shift and look like you were doing things?"

Similarly, if you're about to graduate college and you're really stressed about it, fyi just about everyone I knew in college ended up very quickly going "wow, 'real life' is way easier." Admittedly I went to a school full of very stressed out perfectionists and the like, so I can't promise this is universal, but there's a very real chance that life will in many ways get easier when you graduate

WAY MORE CONTROL OF YOUR OWN LIFE

Literally I cannot overstate that last point. As an adult, you are (barring certain disabilities or shitty circumstances like abusive family/the criminal justice system/etc.) able to make most of your own decisions. If you want to rearrange your furniture, you can. If you want to eat tater tots at midnight, you can. If you want to get yourself a little treat, you can. You can sign contracts and make your own legal and medical decisions and not need a parent or guardian signature for just about anything ever again

You generally learn how to give fewer fucks

The people around you have also generally learned how to give fewer fucks

Even when things are shitty, being able to choose what kind of shitty a lot of the time can really be worth an awful lot

[cuubism]

i went to physical therapy for my stupid broken arm so as is my legal obligation i HAD to make ship content about it. everything is ship content that's how it is

cw injury, referenced abusive relationships

--

Hob's had plenty of clients come to physical therapy who clearly don't want to be there. Plenty of others who are reasonably frustrated by the work and time involved in regaining functioning after an injury. But this is the first time he's just had someone be... quiet. Resigned.

Dream sits with his hand cradled to his chest, barely speaking, only answering when Hob asks a direct question. He's reluctant to give Hob his hand when Hob asks if he can look at it, like he thinks Hob's grip is a bear trap that will snap down and crush the bones like whatever had done so the first time. Hob still doesn't know what that was. All he knows is the bones have been realigned and healed over but the dexterity in his hand still isn't right. That was what Dream had said, in the first spark of passion Hob had heard from him. It's not right.

But he does eventually give his hand over. His bones are so fine and delicate, and each movement hesitant. Cautious. Hob tests the flexibility. The strength. Dream is right, it's not where it should be. He still doesn't know what happened.

"I won't make you tell me if you really don't want to," Hob says gently. "But it is important to know how it happened to make sure we rehab it the right way. Did you get it caught in something? I've seen guys come in with machine injuries like that."

Nothing about Dream suggests "person who works with heavy machinery." But who knows. Hob will try not to stereotype.

"No," Dream says quietly, looking down and away from his hand like he can't bear to see it. "I. I am an artist. My ex... he felt that I cared more about my art than about him. Perhaps I did. And he was... frustrated. I suppose."

Hob can put the rest of the pieces together in his mind. "Jesus," he breathes, and Dream flinches.

"I have an unfortunate ability to involve myself with such people," he says.

"No, it's not your fault," Hob says automatically.

Dream narrows his eyes. "You presume to know that?"

Hob raises his hands in surrender. "Never mind. I won't pry." He's not Dream's therapist. His job is to help him with his hand, not... whatever else is going on in his life.

He takes Dream's hand carefully between both of his own again. Presses down lightly on his knuckles. "So. Crushed. Like that?"

Dream nods. Hob still doesn't know all the details, but he's imagining a boot going down hard on the top of Dream's hand. The thought is sickening.

"Can you fix it?" Dream asks, like he doesn't dare to hope.

"Well, you already had it repaired surgically, yeah?" Hob says. This strikes him as a bit of good luck--hand fractures are not simple--but he doesn't want to undercut Dream's confidence even further by saying so. He's usually pretty good at reading his clients, and he's already sensing that Dream is holding onto his determination to be here at all by the barest thread. Best to build him up as much as possible. "So it's just a matter of strengthening the muscles again."

He's fairly confident he can get him back to a usual level of functioning with it. The question is whether he can return him to the specific level of dexterity he needs for his art. He doesn't say that. Not yet.

Finally, he gets the tiniest of smiles out of Dream. He's really lovely when he smiles.

(He's pretty when he doesn't smile, too. Hob would have to be blind not to notice it.)

"So," Hob says. "Let's look at the current range of motion, yeah?"

Dream tilts his head. "Did you not already do so?"

"For regular motion, yeah. But I want to see where it's impacting your drawing."

Dream draws his hand back, looking uncertain.

"Come on." Hob hands him a pen and paper. "Show me. I promise I know nothing about art. If it's not up to your usual standards, I'm not going to be able to tell."

Finally, Dream takes the pen, and starts sketching.

Hob watches, noting the way his hand trembles, his uneven grip on the pen. Notes how quickly he gets demoralized when it doesn't turn out the way he wants. Hob can make out what he's written and drawn, but it's clear from Dream's expression that it's far from how it's supposed to be.

"This is just a starting point," Hob reminds him. He has a feeling he's going to be doing a lot of those sorts of reminders with Dream; he does not seem to find optimism easy.

Then again, if someone who supposedly loved him had hurt him like that, Hob would probably find optimism a bit difficult, too.

Finally, Dream drops the pen, clearly frustrated. "I have tried to paint at home, too. It has not turned out any better. You should throw those away." He gestures to the sketches. "They are terrible."

"Nah, I'm gonna keep them," Hob says, and puts them in his folder. "For comparison later." It could also partially be because he finds Dream's drawings of cats, imperfect as they are, charming. Sue him.

"As you insist," Dream says.

Hob gives him documentation on some other exercises he can do at home. Tries to think through what might make him feel better with his art. It feels, somehow, so important to make him feel better.

"At home, go easy on trying to use a pen, or paintbrush or whatever, it's hard on your hand," he finally says. "But you probably want to get back to your art, so-- okay, don't make fun of me if this is stupid."

Dream just raises an eyebrow, waiting.

Maybe Hob should try to learn more about art before he gives advice. Nevertheless, he forges on. "Holding a pen is tough, but if you wanted to like, finger paint or something? That would probably be fine. Might be good for flexibility, even."

"Finger paint," Dream repeats, enunciating each word.

"I told you not to make fun of me if it was stupid."

Dream smiles, just a small thing, like he finds Hob ridiculous but in a charming way. Good enough, Hob figures.

"Very well," Dream says at last. "I will take your advice."

Dream simply walking out had felt like a distinct possibility, so Hob will take this as a win.

"Hey," he says later, catching Dream for a moment as he's checking him out. "It's going to get better, yeah? Trust me. Don't worry too hard, just give it time."

He really shouldn't make promises like that. But he can't seem to help it, with Dream.

Dream considers, then says. "I do trust you."

Hob finds that it means a lot. Now he's just going to have to earn it.

[zivazivc]

the morning (afternoon?) after this messy stunt. Floyd got off too easy in my opinion, but it's hard for Les to stay mad at him when he makes those sad pouting faces... 🤦

If you think Floyd's being really dumb at the start of this comic before getting a reality check, you have to take into account that he's madly lovesick and was feeling very smug atm; he's also a 15yo pop troll who thinks making out with someone means they're together now; and he assumed Les's sour mood was entirely the result of a nasty hangover...

P.S. They forgot about Hed lol (I almost forgot about him too, drew him just before posting lmao)

[imbecominggayer]

Writing Advice: Give Your Characters Agency

Have you ever read a story where it felt like the protagonist was being personally guided by the author?

When a character has to always rely on their love interest, friends, allies, and even enemies in order to get from point A to point B

When the only reason a character is even on their journey is because they're the "Chosen One" or God themselves is literally dragging this random along.

Well, you probably hated this character because they lacked Agency.

Agency is defined as when a person makes a specific action, hoping to garner a certain result.

Agency is goal, motive, and plan. A person wants(motive) something(goal) so they try to get it(action).

Based on this definition, it's incredibly hard to write a compelling protagonist and story without agency.

Agency is what makes an interesting plot as plot is based on "what is a character willing to do in order to get their goal".

If your protagonist never tries to do anything and whenever they do try to do something, it never impacts the surrounding world either negatively or positively, you've managed to written a story that has squandered all it's potential.

You might be saying "What about characters who are trapped in these circumstances, trapped in general, or Fate?"

Well let me tell you, I don't know where you got the assumption that all abused/kidnapped individuals just stopped thinking and desiring when the abuse happened but it's wrong!

Maybe your abused character is trying to leave their circumstances so they make some decisions to seperate themselves.

Maybe your abused character is trying to help their abuser so they make decisions that help their abuser.

Maybe they're planning something!

Also, for the Fate thing. You could have your characters actively fighting Fate? Nevermind if they succed or fail!

You could have the existence of Fate be a plot twist?

There is just no proper excuse to not write a character that doesn't make decisions to get what they want!

If you didn't want to write a Point Of View character that interacts with the world you could've written an omniscient character who is travelling around. Or a narrator who is reading the journals of the actual main character(like in Book Thief).

If you didn't want to make this character have an impact on the world, you could have chosen a different character to be the protagonist!

[binxelf]

things you can do despite your sense of guilt

- go for a walk even if you think you don’t deserve it

- have a snack even if you think you don’t deserve it

- take a break from studying even if you think you don’t deserve it

- reach out to someone even if you think you don’t deserve it

- demand, have needs and wants even if you think you don’t deserve it

- make it through the day even if you think you don’t deserve it

- feel mentally exhausted albeit seeming physically fine

- feel the sense of abandonment despite the company of those around you

- go to bed early despite not having done much according to your mental routine

- let out a deep breath even if you think you weren’t holding one back

[3hks]

5 Writing Tricks That I ABUSE

Okay, listen up fellow writers! Here is a simple list of a few things I found out when it comes to writing that I ABUSE. And yes, this is for both the new and experienced writers; some may already know these things, but some might not! So let's get into it!

Using a Thesaurus: Most people will probably already know/use this, but a thesaurus is like dictionary, in which instead of looking for definitions, it brings up synonyms (and sometimes antonyms) for your word! It's honestly a LIFESAVER because it's so MUCH easier to find a more sophisticated substitute when using one!

Control + F: If you spend quite some time on PDFs or whatnot, there is a good chance that you know this trick! Control + F allows you to type in a key word/phrase and the document will tell you 1) how many times the word/phrase appeared, and 2) allow you to immediately locate them! This is great when reading because you can quickly find quotes in the book just by typing in a word! However, this is also a GREAT tool when it comes to writing, because as writers, repetitive words are a no-no; but luckily, by using this keybind, you can speedily tell how many times you've used a certain word/phrase!

Control + Backspace: I just recently found this by myself, but I can assure you, it's now instinct for my fingers to jump to the 'control' button whenever I want to delete something! What does this keybind do? Well, instead of deleting one letter at a time, it deletes words at once! It's so much more convenient and accurate than holding down backspace, trust me!

AI Cover Generator: When publishing a work online, you often need a cover to go with your story. However, if you're just like me and cannot draw on your life and/or refuse to use online images because the internet just doesn't have what you need or because of copyright purposes, then AI art generators might be what you're looking for! There are quite some free ones online that you can use--some without even needing to sign up!

Of course, AI art is far inferior to actual, man-made art, but sometimes, what works, works. Despite that, please do not use AI art when trying to paper-publish your work; I only use this when I absolutely NEED a cover in order to upload a story. (Thank you @catfayssoux!)

Note: PLEASE let me know if using AI for this purpose is wrong. I'm not super up-to-date with the do's and don't's regarding artificial intelligence, and I don't want to be spreading out wrong information. This is something that I simply discovered and found useful.

Online Name Generators: Name generators are incredibly useful when you just can't think of a name for something! It doesn't even have to be for a person, but it can even be for a location! If you are writing a fantasy setting and want some unique names, these generators got you covered! And honestly, there are these types of sites for a ton of different purposes and though they aren't perfect, you're bound to eventually find something noteworthy!

As of right, now, these are all that I got! Feel free to share any tips that you might have to your fellow writers! (That would be greatly appreciated!)

Happy writing~

3hks ;]

[oasisr]

When men neg you by putting down your talents, run. Things will not get better.

Even if you aren't good at something and are just a beginner, he should not be mocking you or bullying you for that.

I'm not a great singer or painter, but I enjoy singing and painting sometimes. My ex would mock me and tell me that he wanted to marry someone who could actually sing.

I gave him another chance after he hurt my feelings. He was good for a couple of weeks, and then went right back to mocking me and putting me down.

Just run. You are beautiful even if you aren't good at everything you try. You don't need someone to put you down and try to harm your self-worth.

You are worthy of someone who will treat you like you are a special and beautiful woman. Because you are.

[uncanny-tranny]

When I was a kid, I have a distinct memory of borrowing a laundry basket from my parents, and putting it back when I was done. Now, I hadn't put it back exactly where I saw it, and do you know the "punishment" I received? My entire room was completely trashed multiple times.

As an adult, I realize that the parent who did this wanted to teach me a lesson about respecting people's spaces enough to put things back in its proper place. I realize that it was supposed to be a kind of "eye for an eye" type of punishment, but that's not what I remember learning.

I remember learning as a kid, though: Never rely on other people for help, they will enact revenge on you. Don't go to other people. They will fucking hate you for it, they don't care about you enough, and the punishment you receive will be payment.

And in many ways, I still see this type of parenting being practiced. You aren't going to teach your kids jack shit by doing this. Kids' brains are typically not going to connect the dots the way yours is doing. A kid isn't going to have a grand sense of consequence because to them, they did a thing and then their parent fucking lost their mind.

What do you do instead? Preferably, you seek to communicate with them, show them the behaviour you want from them, and don't resort to corporal "punishment" or humiliation.

[onthe-nocontact-road]

Day 0 of no contact.

Actually, it's not been what ? An hour.

I'll try and make it short.

My ex, since 2020. We broke up for a year in 2023-24. He had a whole other relationship. I stayed alone to heal. Starting trying again this spring.

Just to clarify, he cheated,lie,abused me mentally & emotionally. Swears and calls me names etc. it's fucken horrible.

But I can't stop.. I'm addicted. Obssesed.

It's so toxic its messing up my mental health. I gotta stop !!!! 😫😫

[the-shinysnorlax]

God I’m begging. On all hands and knees. If you are going to write Miguel in a fic. Read his comics. Go to his wiki page. Do RESEARCH. Because I am sick and tired of people mischaracterizing Miguel ESPECIALLY here on Tumblr. It’s ridiculous.

Like my guy is not flirtatious. He’s a pathetic sad little nerd (Affectionate) who alienates himself from everyone and doesn’t know how to express his feelings so he just becomes overtly sarcastic. That’s Miguel.

Also y’all. REMEMBER THAT GABRIEL EXISTS. HE HAS A FAMILY.

Lastly Miguel was abused as a child. Hes tried unaliving himself. Miguel has trauma that isn’t just his daughter dying.

So yeah. Miguel is a complex character. I get it. But again, it is not hard to do research on him and his character. I beg. I’m tired of the blatant Mischaracterization of him. Please please PLEASE read his comics or at least read his wiki page. Anything. I’m done with him being written as a completely different character.

[conscious-love]

All too often [people] believe it is a sign of commitment, an expression of love, to endure unkindness or cruelty, to forgive and forget. In actuality, when we love rightly we know that the healthy, loving response to cruelty and abuse is putting ourselves out of harm's way.

Bell Hooks, All About Love

[i-am-trans-gwender]

I need advice

I'm 19 years old and I need to escape my transphobic parents. A friend wants me to live with him, but there have been issues stopping this.

I have no car, and even if he drove me there, my parents would know where I went.

Even if they didn't find me, my parents control my bank account, medical care, and phone (luckily they can't put the Verizon Smart Family app on my computer.)

They also use my autism as a reason to prevent me from leaving. They claim I can't legally leave because of this. I've heard some people say that it sounds like BS but I don't know.

I need to transition, but I can't do that while I'm stuck with my parents. I'm willing to do almost anything to leave them.

[imbecominggayer]

Writing Traumatic Backstories

Hello,it's me again! Sorry for dissappearing, I wanted a short little break from Tumblr. Obviously, I should have clearly communicated that fact instead of just going cold turkey!

From @differentnighttale : "How do I write characters who deal with severe trauma and pain with sensitivity and understanding"

Obviously with our topic today, there is going to be mentions of traumatic events and such. I won't go into any graphic or specific details but I just wanted to make it clear with a trigger warning

Since this lovely asker is specifically asking about sensitivity, I won't be addressing other related concerns about writing trauma but just focusing on this clear sensitivity! GET READY CAUSE THIS IS LONG!

Step One: Specificity Is Everything

You need to understand that various different traumatic instances will have their own different reactions based around various different incidents depending on what exactly happened and how many times it happened.

In general, the more times something happened, the more likely it would be leave an imprint. Obviously this is an oversimplification for the sake of an explanation :)

For abuse situations and other person vs person situations:

Consider the relationship your character has with this abuser! Is it obsessive? Neglectful? Don't just say it was a bad relationship! Describe to yourself what behavior and attitude specifically made this an unhealthy situation.

Did the abuser use any repetitive imagery? Did they use a specific tool most often? Did the abuse center on something specific? This can help guide you towards what can "trigger" this character!

What are the long-term affects this abusive situation have on this character? Did it make them question and distrust their self-worth, their safety, their identity, their body, their stability? Anything?

Was this abuser always bad? I don't mean in the "good person gone bad" route! I mean "is this character always abusive"? Most abusers aren't horrible 24/7 and can have their better sweeter moments. This often leaves their victims confused since the victims know more then anyone that this person wasn't just plain evil.

For natural disasters and accidents:

Where is the blame? Is it nature herself? Themself for not being careful enough? A real legitimate person who genuinely caused this accident? An imaginary individual that had no relationship?

What is the specific fear that this situation ignites? Is it this crushing feeling of isolation as they were suffering with no expectation of help? Is it the realization that life is out of their control which keeps them awake at night? Is it the chaos of that day? The fear of regret? The fear of death?

Answering these questions can often illuminate different ways to approach a character's traumatic backstory in unique and interesting ways. It also highlights potential coping mechanisms for your character.

Step Two: What Exactly Is Trauma's Effect On The Brain?

Remember: The following analogy is an oversimplified explanation of trauma. Afterward, the science explain-y part will come in :)

Imagine that the brain is an archive system. It gathers memories and puts away those memories under certain files. Then, the traumatic event(s) happen. Suddenly, the brain is unable to properly understand this. This causes the boss prefrontal cortex turns off. Now, the assistant is forced to take over. This assistant doesn't know what to do so they just do what they always do! Unfortunately, this fails to pacify the threat. And now the brain is mixing up all of the trauma's documents in an effort to just shove it into a filing cabinet. It doesn't work. Now everything new that arrives in needs to try and work through the trauma documents which are taking up the place!

SCIENCE PART!

During traumatic events, the "fear circuity" is activated. This causes the prefrontal cortex or the "decision-maker" to function less effectively. This causes a person goes into auto-pilot mode where they follow social habits.

This is why a person in a traumatic situation will sometimes engage in polite behavior with their abuser in an effort to "save face" as they typically do in social situations!

These events often physically mpact the brain! Specifically, in relation to learning and survival!

Advice In Order To Avoid Common Tropes:

Trauma is a highly complicated subject that is highly individualized and messy. But here are some "no fly" lists which often lead to traumatized characters appearing inauthentic and real traumatized people insulted.

Don't solve trauma in one conversation or one event. Working through trauma is ultimately about "moving on" in the sense of constantly moving forward but not leaving the trauma behind.

Don't romanticize certain coping mechanism. Oftentimes, media will have a hypersexual girl who learned to be hypersexual for trauma reasons. But this character doesn't exist so we can understand them. They exist for sexual appeal and tragedy brownie points.

Only include traumatic events if you can handle exploring them. If you aren't willing to deal with the implications of a certain backstory or serious mid-story event, don't write it in there.

Don't make it entirely resolved by the end. Recovery isn't about learning to "get rid" of the affect trauma has on someone. It's about working with those issues so you can learn to not drown in your issues.

Don't make the journey linear. Have your character relapse into bad unhealthy behavior. Make them have to struggle to relearn the same lessons again and again. It'll make the journey far more interesting and realistic.

Don't make bad coping mechanism black and white. Bad coping mechanisms were necessary once upon a time. They are good tools that have lived past their usefulness but they aren't illogical or evil.

Don't excuse bad behavior. Traumatic backstories offer an explanation of a character's behaviors but it doesn't make a character's actions okay.

They aren't just traumatic backstory. Oftentimes, they only thing we ever learn about a character is their deep issues and facade. But real traumatized people aren't just defined by the bad things that happen to them. They had dreams, goals, and friends that aren't pure tragedy.

They are people. While people are definitely defined by their trauma, don't make them think only of their trauma. People with sad backstories aren't more special then people who don't. They have stupidly weird behaviors, they have hobbies that aren't related to their issues. Don't make them think of just the bad stuff.

[kaspermoon]

This is my month for sure

Skinny me here I come 😜

[victoriadallonfan]

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but wanting to leave a relationship because of your partner yelling/shouting/screaming at you during arguments, that is a perfectly fine thing to do (re: leave the relationship)

You don’t need them to be physically abusive. Even if you think they aren’t being verbally abusive to you, you being uncomfortable with how they talk to you is perfectly adequate for walking out the door (especially if you have expressed that concern to them and they have not or refused to understand).

Coming from someone who grew up in households filled with screaming, shouting, and yelling, trust me when I say it will make your life so much better without it