#about a year into his stay in the wilds
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One of the biggest arguments I’ve seen used by the Ob*d*l*s against Anidala, is that scene in the ROTS novel where Padmé says she could trust OW with the secret of the rebellion and was hesitant to tell Anakin and I just wanna say:
Padmé wasn't an idiot. She was an extremely intelligent and competent woman, perfectly able to understand that loving Anakin and thinking that he could be trusted with a certain politic-related matter were two very different things and reducing her choice regarding who to trust with an important political matter only on the basis of her feelings of romantic love diminishes her professionalism, and this is why I say y'all could never understand her.
Padmé didn’t have to "love" OW or even like him at all to know he was the perfect Jedi to ask for help in a secret political matter.
That's the point being made in the novel, she’s hit with the realization that Anakin in this particular moment could not be told this piece of info because of his relationship with Palpatine, and Padmé specifically mentions in the Junior ROTS novel that she didn't want to make Anakin “keep a secret” if he didn’t agree with their stance because it’d be “unfair.” So this also played a part in why Padmé didn’t think it best to inform Anakin about the Rebellion. It honestly had little to do with her actually lacking trust in him, and more to do with the circumstances she was in not allowing her to be open with her husband and her not wanting to make him choose between his wife and his “father figure.”
However, Padmé knows OW’s political ideas aren't tied to ONE particular person but to a philosophy, one which is closer to her own, at that point. None of this was ever meant to be hinted as “romantic” or even remotely insinuated as romantic. It’s strictly professional and even the tone of the scene makes that so abundantly clear.
All I’m saying is that, some of these proshippers are doing the most out here to try and prove their ship, like my loves? You forgot a very important thing called ✨ context ✨ and regardless of her rational thinking, Padmé still went out of her way to try and talk out all of this Rebellion secrecy stuff with Anakin when she confronted him in the scene where she asks if he ever thought they were “fighting on the wrong side.” Padmé didn’t trust OW in the same way she trusted Anakin (with her entire self and being) she had the level of trust and love for Anakin that was only meant for him.
Mixing up her unwavering faith in Anakin as her husband with her trust in OW’s devotion to duty as her comrade/ally is purposely deluding yourself, because the two aren’t the same and therefore can’t be compared. An example of this is: Padmé constantly putting more value to Anakin’s words over OW’s in the end of ROTS when he came to tell her of Anakin’s “crimes”. She completely disregarded what OW had claimed about her husband and instead made her way to where Anakin was herself, to ask him directly. Despite what the truth was, this is proof of her trusting Anakin unconditionally, and I didn’t even think I had to spell that out because it’s as clear as day.
In conclusion, Padmé didn’t trust OW more than Anakin, she just knew the circumstances she was in didn’t exactly make it easy for her to openly talk with her husband about these matters and that’s part of what played into the issues they had in ROTS, it’s exactly what Sidious wanted.
#star wars#anidala#anakin skywalker#padmé amidala#sw novels#revenge of the sith novelization#revenge of the sith junior novelization#avoiding tagging and using full character names because I don’t wanna attract those weirdos on my post#haters dni#anti ob****d*la#i’ve seen shippers claim that ow and padme would make a better couple simply because they both value duty and share some of the same ideals#even though padmé’s strong sense of duty doesn’t define her personal identity#she’s always wanted to leave behind her responsibilities to live a simple happy life with her husband#she stays out duty and care for peace and justice in the galaxy#which is actually a trait she shared with anakin not ow#anakin is loyal and dutiful because he cares about helping people and that’s padmé’s aim too#ow stays to help people because of his devotion to the jedi#that’s not the same#saying she’d be more compatible with ow is like the punchline of a bad joke#in every way padmé shares more in common with anakin when it comes to the core of her personality#and relationships aren’t built off sharing ideals mind you#it’s about connecting and sharing core values which is what anakin and padmé always had#there’s a reasons why padmé and ow argued a lot in wild space#padmé says the one thing her and ow can agree on is loving anakin otherwise their mindsets clash way too much#compatible? never in a million years.#padmé herself disagrees#and apart from the fact that canonically padmé never shows romantic interest in him#nor does the narrative include ow as one of padmé’s love interests…#holy god my tags deserve their own posts
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Andrew Blackthorn is a very... perplexing character to me because we know next to nothing about him but all his kids seemed to like him as a dad... and yet some of the only things we do know about him are that he a) gave Helen & Mark childhood trauma via Keats instead of having a normal conversation and b) he used to restrain Ty in order to "train him" to the point it made him throw up. like idk if there's a particular intention behind his character being good or bad (in general) but I definitely hate him lmao
#imagine your 12 year old son being a better parent than you. embarrassing.#the keats thing is always so wild when I remember it. like wdym he did that??#literally WHAT would possess you to do that#also why did he never question about where Arthur was in Faerie#like did he not know he stayed behind too or did he just not see his brother for 7 years & not care🧍🏻♀️#Andrew Blackthorn#the dark artifices#bella talks#tsc#the shadowhunter chronicles#tda#julian blackthorn#helen blackthorn#mark blackthorn#ty blackthorn#he needs a flower card so I can sort him into one of the low tiers on a tier list 🙄
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A Retrospective on Ja'Marr's Rough Rookie Preseason (and How Joe Was There for Him Throughout)
Ja'Marr on The Pivot: I just wanted to get in where I fit in, just slowly make my mark and show the guys around me I could still play... Joe even knew that I was getting too hard on myself but Joe was just telling me like, 'I know what you can do, just get back in the rhythm, play your game, and you know we're gonna take off from there.'
Ja'Marr on Pat McAfee: It had a toll on me, it was a little mentally draining, knowing I was getting attacked just getting into the league... it just took a little minute for me to get back into the rhythm of things, get used to the offense again and once all that was coming on, I wasn't really worried about it. Joe helped me pick myself back up and get back on the road.
#preseason officially starting this week!#remember when everyone though ja'marr was a bust?? wild.#god poor guy - he was really going through it#but it was so understandable to be rusty after sitting out a year!#and joe never giving up on him. never wavering in any answers to the press about how much he trusted and believed in ja'marr#staying after practices multiple times so they could get their timing/connection back#(and he was recovering from the acl and supposed to be taking it easy!!!)#(classic joe 🙃)#and you can tell how much that meant to ja'marr#to still be referencing it a year later after all his success#and make sure you watch the very brief part at the end of the video#where you can see joe and ja'marr do the pinky promise shake they love so much!#just natural! thoughtless!#but anyway yeah the way joe immediately opens with that after the first game#(where ja'marr was AMAZING and scored a huge TD)#and the press all laughs#but joe just stares them down because he knows exactly who was writing those reports#WOOF#tldr: ja'marr struggled. people judged. joe was NOT having it.#ja'marr chase#joe burrow#joe'marr
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target neutralized.
do not pin, reupload, copy, use or claim as your own, thanks.
#i still think about him often#the OG is back in town folks 😤😤#welcome back you old dog#god i’m brewing up updated backstory/lore for him so hhhh stay tuned coz i might release it#can u see those wrinkles can u see how old he is#i think i reached the point where he finally does look his age#i finished this in january but was too lazy to shade guns and leg holster 💀💀#still counting this as my january piece so first piece this year woooo#i’m so glad i spent 15 mins rendering burn scars in his neck and arm only to cover it up with tattoos and blood#but i know it’s there so that’s all that matters 🖤#tried some more funky lighting and damn what’s that no transparent background with a rectangle in the middle? that’s some wild experiment#saevus brutalis art#oc: vincent elijah vahn#saevus-brutalis art#cyberpunk 2077#cyberpunk 2077 oc#cyberpunk oc#male v#cyberpunk 2077 male v#cyberpunk v#cyberpunk 2077 art#brut art#cyberpunk 2077 v#cyberpunk#cyberpunk 2077 edit#art: vincent e. vahn
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I haven't been involved with coaching for almost 3 months now and somehow I am still getting dragged into the drama.
#personal#move back to your small hometown they said#it'll be fun they said#me chanting over and over again:#if you live here you get to see your family all the time#(this is a good thing for me i love my brother and his family)#dude honestly this whole thing is just hilarious at this point#anyway newest drama is that one of the parents thinks it's suspicious that i 'quit' the same time my best friend moved away#the shit that is being said about us right now??? fucking wild#i haven't told any of those kids why i really left because they don't need me to be gossiping about their current coach to them#that would be so unprofessional of me#i say like she wasn't spreading rumors about me to THEM directly last year#we are all in our 30s here why are we acting like fucking teenagers still#i'm about to be real petty when i go visit next week though#'oh my god you won't believe what i heard crystal is telling people at her salon'#to the coach not the kids lol#i have a sneaking suspicion that the she is involved in this gossip in an adjacent way not directly#and i want her to think about the shit she says before she says it#she's mad that i don't want to coach jv when i told her multiple times i don't want to run my own program#and that i'd be happy to help her out as an assistant coach but that having to deal with parents is my worst actual nightmare#see what's happening right now#literally the only reason i applied is because i love those kids and they were all freaking out about my friend leaving#because they thought their current coach was also going to be leaving#and i was like hey i won't leave you guys don't worry#it's her fault that she chose not to include me in any of her brainstorming for next year#if she really wanted me to be involved she would have been talking to me about it back in april#i'm literally barely pulling myself out of my grief hole about losing coaching#and i could have stayed around but i would have been miserable#because it wouldn't have been in the capacity that i really wanted#oof okay i feel a little better after venting a bit
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just got the time to start the sunshine court and I'm Vibrating out of my skin
#i did not think it was possible for me to like a character this much three chapters into a book#i might actually end up liking Jean better than Neil which is saying a Lot#something about a character whose route to survival had to be giving in and staying small instead of fighting back or running away#something about a character who has been taught to lock up their emotions for years or suffer the consequences#something about a character who is resigned to what happens to them because that's the only way they can survive in their environment#I am desperately hoping that Jean learns how to be ANGRY outwardly without permission.#I need that boy to be able to Rage out loud and do it MESSY#because I'm not convinced he's going to be able to really smile until he does#Also I'm really appreciating both the Renee and Thea content we've desperately needed more of both of them and they showed up so quick#privately hoping both stay present for a while but tbh i'm just excited for where this is headed#Anyways I also just fixated on Jean Moreau then discovered that (SPOILERS) he's 19???? Almost the same age as me??? hate riko hate riko HAT#anyway sorry riko enjoyers i know he's Complicated but I never liked him in the first place#and this book is making me look forward to his death even more than I did when I first read aftg. So.#listen i know he has Issues. I know Ichirou killing him without a second thought is probably the cruelest way that he personally can die#I also want him dead and gone. Those statements can and should coexist imho.#the sunshine court#jean moreau#really looking forward to finding out more about Jeremy too#this is gonna be a wild ride#jeremy knox#all for the game#love how nora's writing and characters can grab me in a chokehold and refuse to let me go thank you nora for the food
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sometimes my bestfriend is like an angel in disguise istg
#i was justttttt thinking that aw it's so sad that navratri music is playling everywhere and i don't have friends to go with#like last year atleast i had tuition sorta friends but now ive isolated them too it sucks#but i was like well it's okay ill do it when i grow up celebrate every festival i didn't get to in my house because we just never do#and then she calls and she's like let's go this club jahan every year famous hota hai full celebration#and i was like ehh i don't want to i don't even know how to play and ill have to convince dad for raat can't we just#go to a cafe or something dopahar mein uske liye i don't even need permission#and she even agreed but she sounded sad and disappointed about it so i was like well fuck it you want to go club na#and she was like yeahhh so i was like aagh okay and i asked and we're going tomorrow!!!!!#and it's so ridiculous like i just say i don't want to go but it's actually so exciting to go someplace other than a cafe!!!!#and i was complaining to her ki okay ill go but i won't dress up and five mins later me and mumma are making full outfit with dupatta#style decided jewellery she has saved for years that are specifically navratri types and she's like we'll get my blouse altered it's fine#you know being sick has really given me perspective on my parents#im not going to hate my mom anymore i never used to growing up i always thought she was brave but helpless#but a stupid day in 12th i realised when we were talking that technically she COULF get divorced she just#doesn't want to because she'll be alone and she thinks we're growing up and leaving anyway so why should she let go of financial#stability for us. which is wild to me because girl you can't buy anything you want without his permission so i don't understand what's the#point if he's rich or poor but whatever whatever she's been raised this way etc etc#but anyway being sick really made me realise who the real monster is😭 all dad did was shout horribly at me all the time#and was like don't you dare take meds they're fake this is all just junk food stop eating it and you'll be fine. when i was literally#having 103 FEVER.#and mom was the one who was making me different drinks juices cutting up fruits staying with me as i get my blood drawn#checking my fever sote jaagte#like wow i literally wouldn't have gotten better if it wasn't for her and i couldn't believe how attentive and nice she was being#like yes i understand she just thinks this is her duty she's just playing her role a mother a housewife but still#idk i just realized that okay atleast she's good at being a mother dad isn't even that why am i feeling good about him when his love#not even love his politeness is so fucking conditional#and mom healed me even tho i told her about clubbing and drinking lots of alcohol she's kinda against it because she's seen#horrible things in life family yucky men but still she understands ans trusts my sister mostly and know we just do it for fun and she#wasn't even mad!!!!!!! like wow ooay#moms love is actually not conditional for the first time in my life i felt like if i fall maybe she could be there to catch me and dad wld
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I might have had a very self-indulgent Funzwastaken au idea, that basically a modern fantasy stardew valley/dragon trainers type of setting. Might have to put it into my “potential aus” list, will slap my thoughts for it in the tags for now
#pom talks#funz#drunz#funzwt#Punz inherits a dragon egg aka Sapnap who has stayed unhatched for years but decides to pop out when Punz gets him#Punz struggling to care for Sapnap in the middle of the city originally wanting to get rid of him but getting attached#eventually Sapnap grows too big to hang in Punz backpack and creates chaos when left unsupervised in the apartment#So Punz eventually caves and decides to move them out to the small overgrown farm he also inherited#Where he meets Foolish#a carpenter and volunteer dragon vet assistant who decides to help Punz fix some stuff up at the farm#Foolish's dragon Karl becoming fast friends with Sapnap who's delighted to finally have a dragon friend#later he meets Dream and his dragon George#A hunter who protects the village from wild monster and grows an interest in Punz after seeing him hold his own against a monster attack#lemme know if you wanna know more about it sometimes I get scared of info dumping XD;#dragon valley au
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(trans!)zach and aviva were bunkmates at science camp. i know because i was there
#imagine them both at their first year of science camp! young and excited but also nervous and already feelin homesick on the first night#and they take comfort in each other and bond over their shared love of engineering#and become best buds practically overnight#and they keep getting each other as bunkmates every year and they pair up for everything and it’s all GREAT until it isn’t anymore#tfw some kid you met at summer camp becomes your lifelong sworn enemy. oops!#i have SO many thoughts about this concept#look. aviva being able to list out facts abt zach in mystery of the weird looking walrus can’t be just some plot-convenient intuition thing#those were things she learned over YEARS of friendship and staying up late at night trading whispered secrets#you can’t convince me otherwise#these two’s relationship has so much complexity to it actually. idc if canon barely touches on their history i’ll do it myself#hrnsgdhghh just imagine them sitting under a blanket together with flashlights after curfew because zach is afraid of the dark#aviva on her very first night of camp realizing that Uh Oh! she misses her family! and she doesn’t know anyone else here! and what if maybe#science camp isn’t gonna be as fun as she’d thought! only for the oncoming tears to stop in their tracks in order to comfort#this distraught bunkmate of hers. she adopts zach on the spot#them being penpals after camp ends PLEASE#wild kratts#zach varmitech#aviva corcovado#i also imagine that zach conveniently has his “wait i’m a dude” revelation at abt the same time their friendship ends#so they get new bunkmates for the first time that year#and also that their friendship ends at the beginning of their last/one of their last yrs of camp
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and today in "why is fandom so antisemitic" just blocked two more followers in my sideblog, which makes it about 10 of what would have been almost 35 followers over a couple months. because the "all israelis are evil" bs is really big in mcyt circles.
also haven't watched the new season of hc because I don't want to touch the fandom anymore and enjoying things alone isn't as fun when you know there's a fandom. but also the fandom is full of people that wish I was dead so I dont want to be there either. which means right now the only things in my life are the jewish bloggers I follow (love yall) and doing daily challenges in microsoft solitaire. and university ig but it's the weekend and Im trying not to think about my homework rn
also gave up and made a "btw Im israeli plz stop following me if u want me dead" post on the sideblog. hope it works ig.
#its also wild bc I do fandom art on that blog and people love it#even my dad thought it was awesome enough to commission me for his own work stuff once! thats awesome#I got paid for the art I did for him with a merch hoodie from the fandom#and I love it and I love the art I did and I love the original content its based on.#but I cant even watch the new season without thinking about how I want to liveblog but cant because liveblogging attracts attention#and fandom attention scares me now. half a year ago I worked nonstop to get any amount of positive attention in the fandom#I stopped family dinners to watch new episodes and liveblog half an hour after the sessions were out to get people to see my posts#and now. I want none of that#a month or so ago I joined the community discord. the people were so nice to me#and then I went to the vent channel. bc someone mentioned there's i/p stuff in there. its all anti-israel#to the point I felt uncomfortable staying there despite never saying a word about where I'm from beforehand. almost felt unsafe to be there#just... that fandom prides itself on trying so hard to be wholesome and safe after the dsmp fandom ended up so toxic#and here they are wishing I was never born#because I never would have been born if not for this country. my grandparents on my dads side met in the resistance against the british#my parents met at uni. they never wouldve met if not for this country#I wouldnt be alive if not for this country and while I dont like the government I love this country so much#Im just so sad#ישראבלר
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tell me if you think I'm breathing good...
[collaboration with @dxppercxdxver again]
#em draws stuff#flintlock fortress#team fortress 2#a better caption would be 'please sit down for five minutes you literally just got operated on'#as it stands it's lyrics from 'doctor' by gawain and the green knight. love a lyrics-caption in this house.#one of these days I will stop only drawing 3/4 of the polycule but the proportions are most truly driving me up the wall#posing's a bit awkward here but this was an outfit sketchup that got out of hand#also this is a fascinating sort of. step back from your own brain moment for feeling weird about posting something I drew#the rat says 'this is too ...something for tumblr' and the logical mind says 'you drew this man sticking his finger in his own bullet hole'#and Then I got weird about showing his legs and also giving him a little hat? That's really going to be what I got weird about?#the inside of my head is truly a wild place to hang out#anyway Stay Tuned there's going to be writing that goes with this. eventually?#'em shouldn't you write the part that actually happens at the beginning instead of skipping right to the big finish'#ha! that sounds like rule-followers' talk! certainly none of that going on in here!#watch me put ansel through the plinko of horrors live on tumblr dot com. or whatever.#also I desperately needed to take a break and from long years of experience I know that Scrungled Fellow in Shirt is simply Where It's At.#he looks weird and wrong with no glasses but hey so do I!
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Hey lovely bebs, so in an unfortunate turn of events i now have 30 days to find a new living space for me and my son. I'll be spending the next couple days uploading to my fansly, setting up my fetlife, and all the links n stuff to raise funds for moving expenses ♡ I will also be selling all my art so if you're curious about any of that just DM me!
P.s. keep in mind i don't have a laptop all of this is done on my phone so i sowwy for the qualities in advance (once i get stable n secure i plan on building a whole cute setup....♡)
#ghoulibrat#ghoulirants#prsnl#diary#its a little less than 30 days now#but some positives are i start my new job and training for that next week so fingies crossed#but im also heartbroken. ...#mourning a relationship that i poured into for 7 years...and this is how he chooses to end things#that shows a lot about his character and it hurts#but it comes down to i finally have enough self worth and love that i cant do this anymore i want to leave now i need to leave now#why would i stay where i am not appreciated or valued or even wanted#nah nah nah#oh hey im venting in the tags sorry pls dont read these lmao#oh to be a mom#this isnt a mutual aide post btw its just for the moots on here who care/actually like me? wild ikr
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Atlus: Persona is about community and sharing. Look at PQ! Even tho the Wild Cards are mildly uncomfortable, everyone is happy to have a piece of the wild card ability! :) What I want: The second two wild cards interact, they start fighting because the other might take up a valuable resource. Bitch mode is activated. PQ2 doesn’t happen cause Goro’s having a mental breakdown.
#this isn't my idea#but i've latched onto it like oxygen#silly talks#this is the plot of The Fools' Tournament btw#i want my wild cards to be bitches#theory: this is why Adachi/Sho/Goro are cunts#even better if the nice chars are TRYING SO HARD to stay the same but something inside them just wants to TEAR THE OTHER APART!#queue#q#I LEFT THIS IN MY DRAFT FOR LIKE A YEAR WHY FSADFJSLJF#I STILL WANT THIS#CAN THE NEXT PQ GAME HAVE DRAMA?#JUST ONE PQ GAME TO HAVE DRAMA ABOUT THIS THEN WE CAN GO BACK TO THE STATUS QUO SDKAJFKJAF#ksadjfa or have a game similar to pq in this regard (forcing two WC together) and deal with the drama that way?? klsdjfkljafl#PLEASE?!#this might be why i keep going back to TFT lkfjasdkfj TT0TT#in case Shenjay sees this: Hi Shenjay! ;w;/ don't mind my brainworms! the be wormin'#i can't believe i had this in my DRAFTS klfjsakf i thought i posted it already fkldjsafjla
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The urge to hug every person in my graduating class is strange and unexplainable. all the side characters with incomplete arcs are leaving the show
#my close friends are the people I feel it for least bc like#i know I’m gonna stay in contact with them#it’s the people I only talk to or observe in class#the people I fuck around with in the back of the room in homeroom#the one person I had at least one class with all four years and who I liked beginning of junior year#he made eye contact with me once I got my diploma and just nodded at me#wild that I’m probably never gonna see him again#the “popular” kid who hugged me on the last day and told me to never change for anyone#his name is Brock#gonna think about that for the rest of my life btw#there’s a very select few who I don’t want to hug but my point still stands#high school#graduation#personal#me thinking
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,
#tag talk#said out loud “I've felt drunk for the past week” and suddenly realized no you idiot that's dissociation#anyway. I've been floating on clouds for a while and I'm absolutely not complaining it feels nice#restarting my meds is maybe what's doing it.#going off and then back on my meds has just been a wild ride all around#oh well. I gotta stay quirky and weird somehow right?#I've been thinking a lot about my breakup and how it wasn't even because of anything except that I got bored of him#and even playing aoe with him is getting boring cause his skill level is way behind me#the only person who moves the same speed as me is my brother. so I'm gonna go with him wherever he goes#I do like him a lot. but also there's the knowledge that if I don't stick with him I'll be way more lonely#moving out with someone else would guarantee that I'm leaving the only person in life who actually gets me#and I would be depriving him of the only other person who even kind of gets him (I won't say I get him fully cause that's a lil arrogant)#idk. I don't dislike it. but I'm trapped nonetheless. my course in life is laid out for me because I have no one else.#I love him but I wish I had more than one person who I could stand being around longer than a few months#idk. I do feel more conscious right now. more aware. I'm glad I have him.#I just wish I wasn't so fundamentally incompatible with every other person except him.#we're damaged in very similar ways and so we match. even the rest of my siblings don't click with me the same way#I guess I'm lucky to have him. if I didn't I would be 100% dead right now#which... certainly would be the easier simpler option#but oh well. I'm cursed to live on this earth until he eventually offs himself#we have a pact that we're gonna talk about the suicide beforehand to turn it into a murder mystery or something#he said he wants my skull if I go first. which honestly would be cool as hell. I'd be happy with my skull sitting on his bookshelf#he wants to travel and he's lined up to have a good job to let him do that. so I think I'll end up coming along#idk. we're together for life because both of us are so incapable of making other meaningful friendships#even his closest friends bother him constantly and he struggles to connect with them#so we vibe in that regard.#sorry if this is depressing as hell. it's just.. idk. we both are likely and certain that we won't die of natural causes#but life keeps getting better. I've got plans to go back to nursing next year and I'm medicated so I should be able to make it through#I've had my current job for over a year which is a personal record for me so I'm kinda stoked about that#I'm getting bored of it but so it won't last forever but nursing should get me something new to work on
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The Motherfucking Lizard King
No one at work trusts my boss.
He's smart. He works hard. He's not trustworthy. He hasn't actually fucked anyone at work over, but he's ruined his last two marriages with affairs, and got dumped by his third fiance when he wouldn't sign a prenup. The fact that we all know this is just a hazard of working in a small town.
Anyway: The thought process of the people in the lab is that if he screwed over his first wife, and his second wife, and was probably planning on screwing over his third wife, it would be insane for him not to screw us over. After all, what kind of idiot treats their employees better than their spouse?
I dunno. His kind, I guess? He's had a few chances to fuck us over, and he hasn't taken them. Opposite really. When our parent company was doing furloughs, he stayed in the office almost a hundred hours, talking and talking and talking his way up the corporate ladder. And in the end, no one at our site got furloughed.
He's pulled strings like that before. And it baffles me, right? Because it really does make zero sense. He'll move the heavens and the earth for us, but his wife and kids are afterthoughts. It feels like any moment, he's going to look into the mirror and realize how stupid that is. It feels like I'm betting on him making the same stupid mistake again, and again, and again - like it would be less cynical to believe he was, eventually, going to stab me in the back. But he hasn't yet, and as far as I can tell he's been making that mistake for close to fifteen years, and it's already cost him everything it can. If he was going to learn, he would have by now.
So my position on him is that if he wanted to date someone I cared about, I'd warn them off. I don't trust him there. But I tentatively trust him to be my boss. Maybe one day he'll stick the knife in and twist, and everyone will say Ah, Babs, we warned you, but for now, I accept that he's doing a very predictable, very irrational thing, and I've made my peace with it.
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My job has glue traps.
No one likes the glue traps, but we don't have a lot of options. Poison's banned by state law, spring traps are banned by company safety, and several non-lethal options tried in the past failed to work. The mouse problem can get pretty bad if it's ignored, and there's some real health hazards in that. Our site has never had a positive hantavirus test, thank God, but the big base about a half hour away has. That guy's gonna be on oxygen the rest of his life.
If a mouse gets caught, we just euthanize it. But more than mice get stuck. Lizards can wander into those traps too, and the people working there have different feelings about the lizards. They don't pose nearly the same kind of risk mice do. They're chill little guys, and they keep the moths away, and they're just
You know. They're friendly. There's something to be said about walking into a room, and hitting the light switch, and seeing two little guys on the wall start to do pushups as soon as they see you.
People used to just euthanize the lizards too, but I had pet leopard geckos as a kid and I couldn't take that so I wound up googling how to free animals from glue traps. Now, when a lizard gets stuck in a trap - which happens once or twice a week - I get some vegetable oil from the breakroom, and a little plastic fork, and I'll spend fifteen to twenty minutes just kind of gently prying the little guys out.
I have a team of technicians that help me operate one of the larger machines. They're real blue collar guys, ex-airforce, and they make me look like a little kid. Being an engineer means they'll look to me as a leader sometimes, which is a wild experience. And I started helping the lizards for my own conscience, but one of the crazier consequences of it has been that it seriously boosted my leadership cred. Because those guys see me, and they go: Hey. If he's willing to fight for a lizard, he's gotta be willing to fight for me.
I cannot overstate how nice that is. Most engineers that want to make a change to a maintenance practice, or try an upgrade, they have to work their asses off to get the techs to buy in. But I can just ask. They already trust me to do good. They know I'm new, and they know I'm not the smartest engineer in the building, but they also know I'm the one who gets lizards out of the glue traps.
And just because of that, they're willing to follow me.
---
My boss has a meeting every month or two. It's typically basic house cleaning stuff - reminders about routines we've gotten lazy on, and updates on future projects. Maybe some warnings about problems coming from higher up in the company.
People are, in my opinion, a bit too cynical about the meetings. It stems from people not trusting our boss, which again, I understand, because it would make so much more sense if he wasn't trustworthy. It's a testament to the man's incredibly unhealthy priorities that he is. But as we made it to the end of the meeting, one of bullet points was:
Do NOT mess with animals in the building.
So I looked at my techs, and they looked at me, and when he got to the point, he was so scathing I actually just wanted to crawl under a rock and die. He said basically that he'd heard some reports about someone in the building handling animals that found their way in and got stuck, and that he just wanted to emphasize how insanely inappropriate that was, not to mention dangerous, and that if he needed to speak to anyone about it again, there would be severe consequences.
I was willing to just take the shame and move on. I was. But one of my techs is old. Old enough he could've retired two years ago. And his actual literal goal is to one day get angry, yell at someone, and storm out. That's how he wants to retire. So instead of biting his tongue like everyone else, he stood up and said: I hate the glue traps. You hate the glue traps. We all hate glue traps. But we've all sat here for years, ignoring the little things that get stuck in them, watching them die, and then Bab's comes in, and he is the first person in decades to give enough of a shit to start pulling the lizards out. And I don't want him to stop.
Get humane traps or shut up but we are not going back to the old way of just letting things starve.
And my boss actually froze up. He got all wide eyed and stared at Marc, and then the other techs jumped in, and there was a very small but intense rebellion in the meeting and my boss kept trying to interrupt while getting absolutely bowled over by this gang of angry middle aged air force vets, and eventually he just went
I will speak with Babylon about this afterwards! After! And then he will speak with everyone else, but I have more points to cover.
So they went silent, and my boss rushed through the last five minutes, and we all adjounred. The techs really didn't like that I was going in alone - they thought our boss was going to try and shout me into compliance. Marc in particular was like, Look, if he tries bullying you, stand your ground, and if he threatens anything, just come get us, and we'll give him hell.
So armed with that, I went to my boss's office. I sat in the chair across from him, and he kept his composure for maybe five seconds before just flopping back into his chair.
I had no idea you were saving lizards, he said, but I'm glad you are. I always hated seeing them die in the glue.
I wasn't expecting that. I was about to ask him what the comment from the meeting was about then, but he answered that before I even got the chance.
A snake got into the building last week, and - someone picked it up and chased a coworker around. Turns out that coworker was severely afraid of snakes, and now it's a shitshow. We're a small site, and now I can't ask those two to work together anymore, to say nothing about how the snake fared after all that. Being upset about that is a reasonable thing, right?
And he gave me a look like he actually wanted an answer, so I said Yeah, totally, chasing a coworker around with a snake is a dick move. Especially if that coworker is already afraid of snakes.
And he said Exactly! and then we sat there a few moments longer. He looked so incredibly tired that I did, actually, feel kind of bad for him. And then he somehow managed to sink even further into his chair, and said
Look, I know I'm not a good guy. But I'm not evil. I'm not some sort of crazy asshole that's going to demand that everyone watch lizards starve to death. When you go back downstairs, could you try to pass that on? That I'm not evil?
I said Sure because it wasn't a hard request, and he looked relieved. I actually made it halfway out before I realized I had a question.
Who grabbed the snake? I asked.
Not supposed to talk about it, he said. But whoever comes to mind first is probably right.
ThatGuy? I asked. And he looked me in the face, nodded his head yes, and said No.
---
The techs seemed a little disappointed that they didn't get to storm the boss's office, but were otherwise in good spirits. They were actually a little bit embarrassed to hear about the snake story - apparently, it wasn't much of a secret. It'd just slipped their minds because it happened three weeks ago.
We did maintenance after that, the same basic repairs we did every week. The meeting had been stressful and it was a relief to work with my hands. When the parts were reinstalled, everything cleaned and smooth and ready to go, Marc found me again.
You know what the lesson of today is? he asked. And there were quite a few answers to that that I could have taken - from don't assume the worst of people to be careful with how you spend your trust - we all need it more than we think.
But instead I said what? because I wanted to hear what his answer was going to be.
That I got your back, he said. Then he clapped one very, very large hand on my shoulder, gave it a good squeeze, and walked back to dosimetry lab.
---
The next day, Marc gave me a package and told me to open it in my office. I was suspicious, but I followed the request.
Cardboard gave way to a small baggie, obviously full of fabric, which opened to reveal a t-shirt that read
"I Am the Motherfucking Lizard King."
I looked at it, I loved it, and then I got an idea. I went to my boss's office and knocked on the door. When he opened it, I asked him if he would be willing to allow something very unprofessional to happen for morale building purposes.
How unprofessional? he asked. I held the shirt up in answer. He gave the shirt a short look over and snorted.
You can wear it on weeks without customers, he said. Which just so happened to include that week.
I'll pass on that it came with your blessing, I replied, and he looked oddly relieved.
Thanks, he said. And then I went downstairs.
---
The techs were very, very happy to see the shirt. And while my boss's reputation remains in tatters, and probably will be until he moves (or dies), the next time there was a meeting, there was quite a bit less complaining about how mere presence. Which is, I guess, a start.
We'll see if he squanders it.
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