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thebibliomancer · 2 years ago

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Essential Avengers: Avengers #283: "Whom the Gods Would DESTROY!”

September, 1987

I cannot WAIT to see what leads to this cover.

Because last time the Avengers and Namor were escaping Hades for Olympus on the Pathway of Infinity - which was more of a ramp - when Pluto blew the ramp pathway which he called a bridge and cornered the Avengers with his hell army and hell tanks to stop them escaping because his bro Zeus wants the Avengers tortured in Hades forever for letting Hercules get beaten into a coma.

How do they end up fighting weird golden ladies with knife swords? The Pathway of Infinity was kind of golden. Did it turn into people out of umbrage for being exploded?

Possibly, possibly.

And will they fight the golden ladies before or after or during fighting the hell army which surely won’t wait its turn as hell armies are famously pretty rude.

I guess we’ll see.

So first things first.

This cliffhanger gets resolved about as quickly as a Tenth Doctor cliffhanger.

Remember the ‘oh no we’re cornered by Cybermen!! Good thing I can blast them with this thing I have okay now lets get on with our lives.’

I know you just exist to cut a two-parter in half, cliffhanger!

Anyway, with the Avengers backed against the abyss, Pluto tells them that there’s no escape because when his hell army kills them, he’ll use his god of death powers to keep their souls tormented forever.

Then Captain Marvel decides to resolve the cliffhanger.

Wow, way to do, Monica Rambeau!

I’m being maybe a bit unfair. This doesn’t end the situation of the Avengers cornered by the hell army. But Captain Marvel blowing up all their tanks does drastically reduce the threat level of said hell army.

And the Avengers have already beaten up one thousands strong army during this stay in Hades.

Pluto regroups his hell army by promising “a year’s peace in blessed Elysium for each one who slays an Avenger!”

And I’m fascinated by how that works.

A year isn’t really much time for an eternity of death but it is super enticing to these dudes. Later, some of them risk (and suffer oblivion) because Elysium is just that good.

But imagine when the year runs out and someone shows up to drag you back to whatever tortures the rest of your eternity brings.

With all the tanks WHUM’d, the Avengers rush in to beat some dudes up.

Captain America notes (as he shatters some guy’s skull) that they don’t need to hold back because these dudes are dead dudes who can’t die.

While true, one wonders what the moral lines are regards to kicking the shit out of an immortal dude.

Anyway, She-Hulk being She-Hulk goes right for the big dude. She’s gonna throw down with Pluto.

She-Hulk: “Maybe I should give baldy here a taste of reality -- by, say, kicking his tail till his nose bleeds!”

Pluto: “You think to make sport of me, woman? Hah! None may touch the person of Pluto -- so long as the Hadean fires are mine to command!”

Now THATS some god of the underworld power more impressive than pew pew and tanks!

Don’t recall Pluto having HADEAN FIRE in the mythology, the Greek underworld being more of a dank, depressing cave than a fire and brimstone Hell but I’ll take what I can get.

She-Hulk has to back off from the burning ring of fire.

At another part of the fight, Thor is bummed that due to his non-healing injuries and lack of Mjolnir, he feels he’s lacking. Even compared to Doctor Druid who is just up and jump kicking dudes now.

But he gets his chance when Pluto gets mad that the Avengers are beating up his faceless mooks like they’re faceless mooks and uses his axe which shoots lasers to drop a giant rock toward the Avengers.

IT JUST SO HAPPENS that the rock Pluto tried to smoosh the Avengers with was the exact size and shape needed to plug the missing hole in the path.

Way to do the villain thing and give the heroes exactly what they need.

ALSO: this just occurred to me. Pluto’s torture for Thor was putting a giant rock block on him. And now, a giant rock is Thor’s salvation.

Dunno if that could possibly have been an intentional character beat but if so, neat.

Driven by the allure of Elysium’s not suck, some of Pluto’s army try to pursue the Avengers across the giant rock patch to the broken path. But a giant rock wedged into a hole isn’t the most stable thing and while the Avengers crossed to safety, several of the soldiers fall to oblivion.

Pluto gives up his pursuit, as the Avengers have crossed the midway point, leaving the territory that’s considered Hades and into the territory that’s considered Olympus. And Pluto’s power is limited outside of Hades because of his covenant with Zeus.

Thor leads the Avengers to a shimmering dimensional doorway that takes them off the PATHWAY OF INFINITY and into Olympus proper.

Upon which they are immediately accosted by some centaur guards and upon which Namor and She-Hulk immediately beat the crap out of the centaur guards.

Those poor horse men.

Did they ever stand a chance?

Neigh.

The Avengers regroup in the woods that Olympus apparently has.

Captain America tells the group that since they’re outnumbered and outpowered, their best hope is to convince Zeus to chill the hell out, that the Avengers weren’t responsible for Hercules’ injuries.

Black Knight comments that Zeus is pretty far from being all-knowing for a king of gods, prompting Thor to say that no, that’s not Zeus’ thing, his thing is fits of rage. And horniness, but Thor is too polite to say so.

Then the Mysterious Figure shows up to drop more exposition.

He’s less mysterious, not cloaked in shadows, not even cloaked in cloak. Just showing his beardy face. But still not introducing himself by name.

How rude of him.

He does introduce himself as a bringer of knowledge and then points at a pool to make it a scrying pool so the Avengers can catch some plot.

They see a scene of Zeus questioning Apollo on how long it will take him to heal Hercules. He is a god of healing but he’s finding Hercules’ coma maybe beyond his power.

Hercules mumbles in his coma/sleep “No, Wasp... no more orders... no more abuse from mortals... Avengers must learn...”

Zeus rededicates himself to that very mumble, promising he’ll punish every one of the Avengers for the wrongs done to Hercules.

Okay, so now we know where Zeus is getting his ideas from.

Apollo protests that maybe coma mumbles aren’t reliable. I mean... the Avengers helped Hercules beat Typon that time in issue 50 and helped when Ares turned the Olympians to crystal in issue 100.

Ares comes in to go nuh uh, that was the Ebony Blade what made him do that stuff and anyway, clearly the Avengers only helped those times because it aligned with their own interests.

Apollo points out that Ares is always causing trouble and disrupting the peace of Olympus and Ares goes what do you want from me, I’m the god of war. It’s what I do!

Zeus tells them both to shut up. He’s the big dad decision maker and he’s already decided.

Zeus: “I have decreed that the Avengers shall suffer for what has befallen your brother Hercules -- and suffer they shall! All who claim the mantle of Avenger shall know the tortures of Hades!”

END SCRYING VISION.

Mysterious Guy asks Captain America if he still thinks he can convince Zeus to be cool and Cap(tain America) admits its going to be difficult.

Black Knight calls it impossible instead and Doctor Druid suggests a strategic retreat to Earth, where they can be in a better position.

Thor points out that there’s no way for them to get to the dimensional nexus that links Olympus to Earth without being detected. And if they are, Zeus wouldn’t hesitate to send his armies that he definitely has after the Avengers. And with Ares leading the armies, the conflict would definitely spill over to Earth, just because Ares is a dick.

So the Avengers have little chance of convincing Zeus. If they try to go to Earth, they risk a godvasion.

Captain Marvel comes up with an idea though. Zeus won’t listen to them. They’re mortals and he thinks they were abusive to his son. But maybe... he’d listen to other Olympians. Maybe the Avengers could convince some of the other Greek gods to intercede on their behalf!

Mysterious Guy admits that this plan does have a chance of success... but the Avengers would have to choose which gods to approach very carefully. The Greek gods being the Greek gods and all and Zeus’ children.

Black Knight: What you’re saying is we have to figure out which of Zeus’ relatives are the least likely to fry us on the spot!”

Captain America: “Dane!”

Black Knight: “Well, that’s what it amounts to! Our chances range from slim to none!”

Namor: “Things are not as hopeless as you believe, Knight. I know of one Olympian, at least, who might willingly listen!”

Black Knight is teetering on the edge of a nervous breakdown, I feel.

He’s one bad turn from yelling ‘game over, man! Game over!’

Who is the Olympian that Namor has in mind?

Could it be Neptune who has appeared in this story already and didn’t enjoy having to turn Namor over to Hades?

No, no. Namor has a better ally in mind.

YUP APHRODITE or I guess Venus.

Geez, pick Greek or Roman names, Marvel.

Namor and Captain Marvel bust into the halls of Venus, alarm Cupid, and beat up Venus’ guard.

To her mild amusement.

Venus: “Zeus would not be pleased to find you here!”

Namor: “Your father misjudged us. Will you support his error... or will you hear the plea of an old ally?”

Venus: “I well remember how you helped me stop the spread of Ares’ wars, Namor. Speak... I will listen.”

Apparently, Venus appeared in Namor’s book and they beat up Ares together...

Wait, I made the comment that maybe Marvel Pluto was a dick because Persephone wasn’t around. Is Marvel Ares a jerk because he and Venus aren’t an item?

Huh.

Elsewhere, Athena is hanging out with Hephaestus.

An odd friendship maybe but I could see how they’d have stuff to talk about.

Anyway, Hephaestus has managed to move Mjolnir into his workshop through a complicated arrangement of levers and winches which didn’t trigger the worthiness enchantment, sure.

And now he’s trying to lift the hammer by just willing himself into being worthy.

It doesn’t really work that way but he has a false moment of hope where it seems to be lifting up but its just Thor calling hammer home.

Ain’t it sad, Hephaestus?

It is sad.

Also, the Avengers aren’t supposed to be here, they’re supposed to be in Hades!

So Hephaestus summons his mob of golden women automatons...

Huh.

Y’know. When Asshole Space Creep Hephaestus had a bunch of robot girlfriends, I thought it was something to show what a creep Asshole Space Creep Hephaestus was. I didn’t know. It was just a thing that Hephaestus did too.

Also, yes, these are the golden women from the cover. Although the ones inside the book have faces and cheekbones.

So now the Avengers are fighting an army of interchangeable golden women.

Just another day in the life of Earth’s Mightiest.

For some reason, Black Knight is still just knocking weapons out of hands. Props to him for not treating robot and fantasy robot life as expendable but pretty sure these specific ones aren’t self-aware.

In fact, I’m more than pretty sure because Doctor Druid has trouble with them because they have no minds for him to mess with.

So he levitates a chain to trip some of the golden women into a giant crucible of molten metal.

Apparently he can levitate stuff. I guess he is just like the other Marvel psychics, but less dialed up.

While She-Hulk fights Hephaestus, Captain America can’t help but critique the workmanship of the golden women.

The form is perfect but aside from that, Hephaestus apparently didn’t really get women. His automata move like men despite their form, making their balance all kinds of easy to screw up.

So... the Avengers didn’t come to Hephaestus’ workshop just to retrieve Mjolnir, pick a fight, and critique a man’s fetish art.

They actually decided off-panel that Hepheastus is one of the more reasonable Olympians so he’d be one of the gods they get to plead their case to Zeus.

(I think the problem with this is that Zeus in the mythology kinda hates Hepheastus. You are actively hurting your case.)

Anyway, the automatons that Doctor Druid knocked into the crucible manage to bust open said crucible by flailing while melting and now there’s molten metal flowing through the workshop.

Way to do a bad job, Doctor Druid.

With the floor being lava or close enough, everyone scrambles to get to safer ground.

Captain America swings on a chain and swoops Black Knight to safety. Doctor Druid WHOSE FAULT THIS IS just levitates above the molten metal because he can do that and thermodynamics aren’t real. And She-Hulk and Thor grab their respective Olympian opponents and rush to safety.

Thor then cools the molten metal by spinning Mjolnir like he likes to do.

He tells Athena that they can get back to fighting if they like but being saved by the Avengers has Hephaestus and Athena questioning if maybe the Avengers aren’t the villains they’re alleged to be.

And maybe they didn’t come here to start a fight.

Captain Marvel, Namor, and Venus show up pretty soon and tells the other two Olympians yeah hold on lets not fight the Avengers.

Apparently of Venus’ powers is that no mortal can lie to her. So after the Avengers explain the situation to the three Olympians, she goes ‘yeah, zone of truth pings it true.’

My favorite part is that after hearing the real story, Athena says:

“There is the ring of truth to your tale. Hercules has a long and colorful history of such blunders.”

Which Hephaestus immediately agrees with!

‘Okay yeah it does sound incredibly plausible that Hercules is, in fact, a dipshit.’ says his family.

Hephaestus isn’t too keen on fighting Zeus, even if the Avengers are innocent, but She-Hulk tells him they just want the three gods to help talk sense into him.

And if they can, they want to help Hercules too.

Dipshit he may be, poisoning his father against the Avengers with coma mumbles he may be doing, but he’s an Avenger!

So Hephaestus, who is likely very aware that he’s not dad’s favorite, says that if they want to talk Zeus down, they’ll need Apollo’s support.

Unfortunately, as Hephaestus, Venus, and Athena lead the disguised Avengers toward the hall of Apollo, they’re spotted by Ares. Who immediately goes and snitches.

I hope he gets stitches.

Equally or more unfortunately,

When I joked that Wasp was going to miss out on Zeus’ revenge by being smart enough to go on vacation... eh, I was wrong.

Zeus sent out Artemis to hunt down Wasp.

Zeus: “So, woman... you are one who ordered my son about like a galley slave! You are the one who abandoned him to defeat! Yours must be the most awful punishment!”

Dangit, Zeus! Don’t you hurt a national treasure like Janet van Dyne!

If you turn her into an actual wasp for ironic punishment reasons, I’m going to be steamed!

Over in the hall of Apollo, Apollo receives the Avengers in stride.

Captain Marvel: “You must believe us, Apollo! Zeus has made a terrible mistake!”

Apollo: “A most serious accusation, mortals. In millennia past, such words alone could have cost you your lives!”

Doctor Druid: “But this is not the past, Lord Apollo. And your father is not infallible, is he?”

Apollo: “No, he is not. Nor am I... for endless hours have I labored to heal my brother’s wounds, but I cannot break him from the spell which has claimed his mind. At most, I can ease his delirium with sleep.”

Doctor Druid offers to use his POWERS OF MIND to try to help Hercules.

Doctor Druid: “Hear me, Hercules! I am a friend... I wish to help you! Your other friends... your family... are here with me! Come to us, Hercules... let your mind join with mind... let me show you the way back!”

Then Zeus shows up to spoil the broth.

Ares tells him that the Zeus children that are helping the Avengers are in fact betraying dad to hand his beloved Hercules son over to the mean Avengers who were bullying him!

Captain America protests this description but makes the mistake of telling Zeus he “must listen” and Zeus doesn’t like that.

Zeus: “YOU DARE TO TELL ME WHAT I ‘MUST’ DO, MORTAL? YOU, WHO HAVE DEFIED MY WILL?!?”

And then he blows them all up.

Captain Marvel no sells because she turned into light but everyone else gets blasted around.

Captain America got it the worst.

He managed to block most of the blast with his shield but look how small that thing is compared to his big beefy body. Thor’s doctor eyes see that both of Cap(tain America)’s legs are fractured so badly that he might never walk again.

And Doctor Druid is face down and unconscious but nobody is looking at him and going ‘oh no, his legs!’ so I assume he’s okay.

The funny thing is I’m sure that Zeus blew up Hercules’ bed doing this.

Namor, Thor, and She-Hulk get back to their feet to Zeus’ annoyance.

Zeus: “Some of you yet stand?! Must I wring the life from you one by one?”

Thor: “Zeus, we did not come in search of war, but you have forced our hand! Olympus shall know our wrath! Yea, and you shall learn why we be called Avengers!”

Meanwhile, the mysterious unhooded unshadowy stranger stands on a rocky peak dramatically and frets.

Mysterious guy: “At last it has come... the day I have dreaded for so long. The final battle between gods and man must now begin. And from such a war, there may be no victors!”

At last it has come, the final battle between gods and man and the men have a god working on their side and its not all gods its just the Olympians because I doubt Asgard is going to throw in against Midgard (Earth) in all this.

Stop being so dramatic, guy.

Follow @essential-avengers because I’ve started updating it again. Also, like and reblog because it makes me feel appreciated.

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lianhuajing · 5 months ago

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this college au isn't getting out of my head so here y'all go, some headcanons

despite being the first in the world at age 15 LXY still ended up with crippling self-worth issues and imposter syndrome.. makes me think he'd be a burnt out fgli (first-generation low-income) student at a rich school.. university au (this has nothing to do at all with my experiences as a fgli student at an ivy league school lmaoo)

of course FDB is a shoo in legacy student and at first LLH is is incredibly annoyed bc FDB is clearly a rich kid who got in with his parents money

the name i picked for FDB is 择信 ("zéxìn" or "to choose faith"). his dad's name is 则仕 ("zéshì" literally "officer" the author is laugh at us so that zé didn't work, i picked another one to better fit my intention. same sound though.)

he's still called duobing as a nickname bc he was a sickly child, but fang zexin is what appears on official documents and his student id. of course his mom and his aunt still call him "xiaobao" and later on so does LLH

FDB abuses his "xiaohua" priviledges and when he extra wants something he'll pull out "xiaohua'er"

just them warming up to each other to deal with school stress. think of all the shenanigans!! i feel like 3am on a school campus is when you feel like you can do anything super well, even make empanadas when you've never made empanadas before (did i do this freshman year? yes.)

bonus: LXY has a phd in bio-med and is a famous researcher, but he's getting a herbology? nursing? (still deciding tbh) degree as LLH and passing it off as his first undergrad. he made a small fortune from his first go around so he can afford it, but i feel like he donated most of it and/or gave it to QMS + QP + SGD

yes i made LXY a genius progidy med student who got into college at 15 and wrangled a phd + patent at age 18. he's literally every asian parent's golden child wet dream. no wonder he disappeared and changed his name and only resurfaced 10 years later.

FDB is of course an engineering and business student (dual degree, our xiaobao is a champ) and he buys all the school swag cuz he has the spirit

bonus bonus: fdb is a professional college fencer lmaoo. do they have professional college martial arts?

bonus bonus li'er is a part of the family staff but the fang/he family pays handsomely so she's kinda uppity. she doesn't understand why her young master is hanging out with someone 1) obviously older and 2) obviously poorer

FDB of course falls in love at first sight bc LLH happens to be the most drop dead gorgeous person he's ever seen and reminds him vaguely of the researcher that helped with the cure to his childhood illness. surely there's no connection right..

FDB is 20 when he starts college bc he took a two year break to do an internship at his mother's company. it looks great on his resume and conveniently works well so i can line up canon ages

FDB finds out LLH is living in a van and immediately tries to move him into his dorm (freshman year). of course that doesn't work out, but i think around sophmore year, once they've started dating, he would've whittled down LLH enough for him to agree to live together in a house off-campus. LLH tries several times to convince the 20yo that he can do better than some old man who's just starting his undergrad at age 28 (my man breathes lies). FDB is literally signing their lease as he speaks.

bonus bonus bonus (and my fave): LLH makes those terrible tiktok recipes that never work but he keeps trying and the first couple of times FDB actually tries pretending that LLH's cooking is fantastic

bonus x4: DFS went to trade school and owns a handyman service (he makes bank doing it) and the jinyuan alliance is his crew of fixers. FDB is convinced DFS is a mob boss because LLH is always calling him Di 老大 (lǎo dà) when he comes around to fix LLH's rundown van. DFS gives LLH the i'm in love with u family discount but he'll never admit to it. the two of them have known each other since grade school.

bonus x5: DFS and LXY both did the same martial arts extracircular and were known rivals (affectionate) in those circles. they were constantly swapping between placing 1st and 2nd in tournaments.

bonus x5 extra bonus just for me: at one point LXY did call DFS "gege" before he grew out of it / they drifted a part. obvs they reconcillated bc LLH needed a van guy and DFS under all those scowls does care for LXY a lot.

bonus x6: LLH and JLQ absolutely know they are cousins (just bc it's hilarious for me if they do). they don't talk about it but JLQ hates him for "stealing" DFS's attention since their naptime days. he's her cousin timmy. LLH doesn't even know that he's seduced the love of her life, he's just vibing. DFS tries to explain to her that he's gay and has never been interested in women, but she doesn't believe in homosexuals exactly like in canon lmaoo

bonus x7: SGD and LXY were both in an orphanage before they got adopted by qi mushan and qin po. SGD protected LXY like an older brother, but got more bitter and jealous as LXY clearly displayed genius level academic excellence and as a by product got more attention (more care into selecting schools, more time dedicated to LXY's extracirculars, more time spent driving LXY to conferences and stuff as his research gained more traction)

can you imagine the pressure little xiangyi would've been put under to excel, and to excel bc he got this chance when all the other kids at the orphanage didn't? qi mushan and qin po weren't exacty rich, i imagine he must've felt so stressed being bombarded with scholarships and whatnot while his brother steadily closed himself off from xiangyi

nothing just imposter syndrome going off the charts when rumors started going around that a mistake in LXY's research cost someone their life. that no one should've trusted a teenager to be that smart. that some orphan kid just wanted attention and should've never been given a chance. it breaks him.

unintential pressure from qi mushan, qin po and SGD. why was he protected / saved / chosen if not to make their lives easier and to make them proud with his achivements. he's carrying his made-up expectations of their expectations and SGD's expectations

something something my dad was drunk one night and came on campus and told me i was the hope of our entire family bc i was the first to get into a good school and i could make something of myself. i was 18 at the time, same age as when LXY during his famous battle, and i just. feel some type of way. like. the man was carrying the expectations of the entire jianghu on his back. how was he not gonna be overwhelmed and break down?

bc this is a modern au i can make LXY go to therapy :) it takes a few years for him to be convinced to go (he is asian after all LOL), but he does go eventually and it helps him get the will to start again. FDB knows and actively encourages and praises LLH for taking care of himself.

LLH still carries the same self-hatred he has for his younger self bc he thinks his arrogance caused a mistake in his research and ended up causing ppl to die. he's working on it, okay, it's gonna take time

i'll end this with some crack: FDB accidentally hears DFS call LLH "xiangyi" and proceeds to give him an entire speech abt deadnames and such. it's bc he's seen LLH react to being called "xiangyi" before (come on, this guy was a prodigy and he's back at uni, some of the professors are bound to recognize him) and it's never pretty. he ends by saying "it's not like lianhua is running away from the law, he's not doing anything wrong" yes he thinks LLH is trans lmaoo. the entire time, DFS is giving him an incredious look. LXY was in fact running away from the law (or at least the press lmaoo). LLH is just standing there with an amused look on his face like "my xiaobao is a little confused, but he's got the spirit"