#a harder kind of fear
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
Tagged by @doeeyeseddie and @eddiebabygirldiaz for seven sentence Sunday! Since I haven’t been posting much for tag games lately, here’s significantly more sentences than that from bucktommy acquire a child au. Warning for mentions of past child abuse in Tommy’s family.
Tommy stares down at the dotted line, pen hovering, running the name through his head over and over again and feeling kind of stupid for it. There’s no meaningful difference, at this point, between this last signature and any other of the seemingly dozens of pieces of paper they’ve signed tonight. Nothing really counts until Buck hands it over to the lawyer on his way to work tomorrow. He could sign and then tear the thing up, toss it in the trash. Find someone better to take this on. Take his name out of it, at the very least, hand the kid over to Evan entirely.
Evan, sitting next to him close enough that their knees are pressed tougher, bony, under the table. “What are you thinking?”
Tommy sighs and sets the pen down, tilting his head back to look up at the ceiling. “Can’t we just use… I don’t know, Diaz? I don’t want to give the poor kid my name.”
Buck laughs, just a little, still mostly serious. “I mean, I’m sure Eddie’d say yes if we asked, but- You gave me your name, why’s it a problem now?”
Tommy slides his fingers between Buck’s, surprised as he always is at how well they fit together. “You’re an adult, you can- handle it, carry it. Kinard children have historically been miserable things.”
Evan tilts his head, probably thinking about what Tommy is thinking about: Tommy, beat by his dad who was beat by his dad who was beat by- etc, etc, going back the entire horrible line of them. He’s imagined it before, some medieval peasant kid somewhere, crying into a hay bale or whatever the fuck it is poor folk slept on back then. Evan’d probably know. Maybe farther back than that. A caveman all the other cavemen side-eyed ‘cause he threw his kid in the path of a sabertooth or something.
“Okay,” is what Evan says. “I could get all pop psychology about, like, breaking cycles or whatever, but actually-” he points down the hall. “When I put him to bed tonight he talked literally right up until he was unconscious about all the stuff we saw at the zoo today, that I was in fact there for. Passed out mid word about how we got ice cream and saw a bird. Just a regular bird, that pigeon that landed on the table next to us. I think he was as excited about that as he was about, like, actual lions.”
Tommy laughs, despite his mood. “He was excited about the pigeon.” Milo had been so fascinated by it his ice cream had mostly melted by the time they could successfully prompt him to eat it.
Buck grins. “That kid- our kid- is happy, Tommy. Another talking point? How you carried him everywhere. He got to be so tall, he said you showed him everything.”
“I always hated being too short to see past crowds of people,” Tommy says quietly. “All those legs, everybody strangers.”
“I think most kids hate that,” Buck nods. He leans in to kiss Tommy’s cheek. “You’re not having second thoughts about this?”
“No,” Tommy says, immediate, breathy like it got punched out of him. “No. More than sure.”
Evan nods again. “He’s happy, and safe, and loved because of you. Sign the paper. It’s just a name, and one that I like very much actually.”
“Just a name,” Tommy raises an eyebrow. “So you would’ve been fine with him becoming a Buckley if we had done this the other way?”
“Oh, fuck no,” Buck says, face twisting up lemon-sour as Tommy laughs.
“You hypocrite.”
“Hey, you should have come up with a new name when you married me,” Buck sticks his tongue out, leaning back in his chair like a pleased cat. “Combined them maybe? We could have been… the Binards?”
Tommy squints at him. “No.”
“The Kuckleys?”
“Evan,” Tommy snorts. “No- that’s terrible.”
Buck grins. “Yeah. We really should have just asked Eddie. All be Diazes, it’d fix everything.”
“Imagine the kid’s family tree project at school,” Tommy says, picking up the pen, signing his name as fast as he can before doubt creeps back in. “We’re gonna have to teach him the words ‘non-conventional family structure’.”
Buck laughs and laughs, leaning into Tommy’s side until he kisses up the sound.
Tagging @shitouttabuck @bigfootsmom @iinryer @chronicowboy @butchdiaz @homerforsure if ya got anything to share!
154 notes
·
View notes
Text
the truth
#blue lock#blue lock fanart#alexis ness#ブルーロック#art#fanart#blue lock manga#my art#michael kaiser#in spirit#i think about scenarios where ness leaves kaiser#whether just to pass to isagi or for good#and i believe this is the key to kaiser's awakening#given that his “identity”/ego first appeared not out of malice but out of the desperation to protect the one thing he cared about (the ball#and of course his monologue in 260 about how he treats the ball explicitly parallels how he treats ness#which makes me believe losing ness or the risk of losing ness is instrumental in kaiser's reawakening#BUT.#kaiser is a deeply sad angry person and he cannot let the world know he's weak#so i fear that ness leaves him and instead of admitting oh maybe i do care kaiser snaps#because ness can't leave him if he pushes ness away harder right?#kaiser telling ness exactly what he was to him#exactly why he approached him in the first place#you're nothing but a dog#an experiment#because fury covers up the hurt (hurt that kaiser is even angrier that he *has*) and so the damage is done#so that's what this doodle is based on el oh el#and ness is left reevaluating every moment they've ever shared and wondering if it was real at all#(because even if kaiser did care he doesn't have the capacity to realize he did-- i do believe his behavior in 243 was genuine and proof he#-cares for ness in the only way he can he just does not understand that yet because he fundamentally does not understand kindness)#and he won't before it's almost too late
122 notes
·
View notes
Text
Nina Martin, daughter of Hades, god of the dead, and ruler of the underworld.
Fabian Rutter, son of Athena, goddess of wisdom, warfare, and battle strategy.
Amber Millington, daughter of Aphrodite, goddess of love, beauty, sexuality, and passion.
#ok so look nina took me FOREVER#she was almost a child of apollo too#she was also almost an athena child but that’d make fabina… yknow lets not go down that road#but listen it makes sense Hades is her godly parent; death has surrounded Nina her whole life and her chosen one powers are similar#her parents died when she was a kid; she sees ghosts (sarah; the frobisher-smythes; senkhara; victor sr.)#she has a fear of skulls (and thus death if you wanna think harder on it) i also read an analysis by someone here ab that fear#i like to imagine that while she is a child of hades she is absolutely TERRIFIED of what that entails#she’s afraid of what kind of power lingers inside her because she already doesnt like it; she does NOT want to embrace it#anyway that’s another story; all about personal growth and development#fabian is a child of athena#he’s the brains of group (so is nina but you get it) and in s3 he is left in the brains of the group category solo#amber’s is perfect are you kidding she’s the first one i made#house of anubis#nina martin#fabian rutter#amber millington#hoa
93 notes
·
View notes
Text
(mgv) what if like. going into rut was as physical as it was emotional. like, of course the hormones spike, but in turn physical effects include temporary spontaneous muscle growth (which then makes me think...... stretch marks..... wow,,,), higher sperm count, hair that ruffles easier (like how animals bristle to look bigger and scarier, but since humans evolved to not be covered in hair anymore that one is now just a sillier, annoying symptom) etc
i bring this up for the sake of the mental image i wish to bring to the table...... wilson working one more day until he goes on leave for his rut, his hair fluffy and messy despite his best attempts to tame it, his nice ironed shirts straining a little when usually they fit just fine...... he gets flirted with more often than usual and it makes him feel GOOD, being desirable is His Thing, especially right now
#house md#it's still not fair to omegas because heats suck so much harder than ruts#but at least ruts are kind of annoying too#house of course sabotages these potential partners whenever he sees it (which irritates wilson greatly)#even once they're bonded wilson doesn't decline the nice words and little touches#and that Does Not help with house's fear wilson will cheat on HIM just like he's done before#wilson gets flattered if someone straight up comes onto him but he does turn them down bc he would have to be an idiot to cheat on house#oh my god wilson would love to be fought over he's already in the show to be house's bff and look pretty and SOMETIMES talk about cancer#mgv
21 notes
·
View notes
Text
@starrz-n-waffl3-fries @burntmarshmallowqueen what do you think our characters' most important flaws are?
for kyete, it's definitely his self-doubt-- he's internalized this idea that because he's killed or otherwise hurt so many people, his own thoughts and feelings don't matter anymore because he's basically irredeemable
i think that's also why kyiro is so important (at least for kyete, might be a different story for hiro) because hiro is one of the people most affected by kyete's actions, and not only is he willing to live with him, but he also proves to kyete that he does matter and is worthy of love
#got some ideas for the others too#like for hiro i could definitely see him having to overcome his fears or learn to live with his trauma#and kyete could kind of represent either of those#for ian i could definitely see a sort of apathy#like he hasn't interacted with his parents in years and doesn't plan to because if he wanted to he would never run out of chances to do tha#but his arc is about realizing that it's still important to get that closure even though he doesn't want to deal with his parents#and chip could sort of be a reminder that he still has people that care about him and that he can rely on#dierdre's way harder to pin down because she's new#all i can think of right now is “this bitch needs to stop lying to herself ”#which sounds ok on paper#but also that's kinda just because she's denying her lesbianism#anyway#the cruel game of life#kyete st. kallu#you deserve better
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
me squinting at s4: i'm liking it tua is always gonna be fun to watch but girl we are once again doing Same Narrative Thing to five. i just think we could have mixed up the dynamics more if it was gonna be him doing Further Timeline Gymnastics. i just think i missed five interacting w his family like i get doing things on his own is his whole Thing but it takes away some of the heart of the show fr me personally. a known five enjoyer.
#tua season 4 spoilers#i just.. u know... like ah yes separate from family again take away core of his character his whole thing his whole ARC#[guy who has written five but also lila] idk about that one scoob i fear we fumbled it unimaginably#i understand why he would act like that but it bothers me that u think he would forget why he did everything. in his life.#me to my mom: no but see like he's only capable of being apocalypse married he is not wired for understanding lila's point of view#in the way you would expect. he doesn't read anything in the way u would expect bc he's traumatized! this is how he knows how to be#idk man it's not ringing true to me after all he's been through trying to save/protect his family.#i feel this way about almost everyone's character arc tho. idk sometimes i feel like.......#they kind of undermine the through lines and growth of a lot of characters in the show. for comedy beats or w/e#idk i have to ponder that a little harder
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
I'm so tired
#not to come on here just to complain and feel sorry for myself especially because i know things are so much worse for so many other ppl#but as hard as i'm trying it's hard to believe things will be okay i'm trying so hard not to fall into defeatist attitudes#but fuck man. fuck. it's not even that i'm surprised or anything it's just. man#i want to curl up in a ball and just be comforted and cry and be upset but i can't do that and i have no one to do that#my worker's comp payments aren't coming through like they're supposed to and i have like ten dollars and barely any food in the apartment#my injuries aren't getting better the pain is still there even though i'm doing everything i'm supposed to#my meds aren't working but meds have NEVER worked on me and i keep hoping and praying some day i'll find one that will but i fear they won'#i have more psych testing in january but a part of me worries about doing it because if (when) i test positive for certain things it will b#on my record and considering..... the state of things i worry about what that means for me and my autonomy esp regarding anything medical#i still can't convince any doctors to take my issues that are almost CERTAINLY endometriosis seriously and again.... given the state of thi#i find it very hard to believe that will change and will in fact only get worse and i will never be able to get any kind of sterilization o#hysterectomy and if something ever ended up happening and i DID get pregnant well. it would not be good for me#i feel very alone and like i need to and must handle everything on my own but i feel like i'm about to break doing that#and then this. this. this this this this. i know it's not fair to be upset about it. like i said things are so much worse for so many other#but fuck dude. fuck man. mentally i have not been doing good recently and nothing has happened in my life to really help that recently#i want to go back to being so repressed i genuinely felt/believed i was emotionless this was not a good year for the dam to break#i told my therapist the other day that i feel like a toddler. i was so repressed and emotionless for as long as i can remember#so i never learned to deal with big ugly and overwhelming emotions. so i react as a child still learning would because i never got the#chance to learn how to manage them and FUCK MAN i feel like i'm losing it#i know it's important to do what you can and not fall into overly negative mindsets but that's not something i was good at anyways#and now it's even harder but i'm trying. fuck dude i'm trying so hard i want to be hopeful i want to do what i can#i don't want to hate everything and jump immediately to wanting to kms or destroying my whole life because what's the point#i just. holy fuck. man i need a minute to breathe and i wish i had someone physically here to hold me and tell me it's okay#but i don't have that so i'll be a big girl and sort myself out like usual and just hope i don't break yet#i'm gonna go watch anime and try and read fic to distract myself but mannnnnnnn i feel like i'm losing it#kaz rambles
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
it's kind of frustrating that essentially all the advice on tumblr for functioning when your brain's not working properly assumes By Default that your brain's not working properly because of depression.
like. don't get me wrong, i'm glad there's advice for people with depression. and i'm totally capable of going, yeah ok this post isn't meant for me, moving on. but...when you have to do that with every advice post, when everyone around you is promising that everyone will feel better if they can put in the effort to do these things you know will make you feel worse, you start to wonder where the heck the posts that are meant for you are.
#this post brought to you by me considering making a different vent post and stopping for fear that everyone will jump down my throat with#that same 'baby steps! self-care! if you're tired just do a little bit every day and you'll get better at it! take your life into your#own hands!' that everyone here always says. i can't kyle. i have post-exertional malaise#curseposting#salty jungle cat noises#i don't know. maybe i'd be less annoyed about this if i hadn't had to deal with a year and a half of everyone around me telling me to#Just Exercise More And You'll Feel Better when i KNEW that would make it worse. and that one awful speech therapist who was convinced that#just wasn't trying and if i tried harder i wouldn't have brain fog. (he didn't SAY that but he made it very clear anyway.)#and having to On Purpose ignore all the academic advice i was getting because it was actually making it harder for me to succeed in school.#what am i some kind of alien. am i so different to everyone else that all advice ever does more harm than good. what#this is why i have issues with trusting authority#vent#*sigh* man i wish my collection of disorders were less obscure
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
guys i think i finally defeated my anxiety demon. by loving her. will report back later
#personal#anxiety#i just make love louder than fear#stopped those automatic thoughts#by loving myself#profoundly#being kind to myself#instead of punishing or feeling guilty#thanking myself for trying#and trying harder so i can love myself harder#❤️
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
yknow what. ppl always say "owen's bi but he appears to prefer women" and it's like, we actually don't know that? yeah he only has onscreen relationships with women, but the circumstances of those relationships keep it from being a matter of preference. the thing about all of owen's canon relationships (excluding katie) is they're all out of him being opportunistic. they're all a matter of "because she was there". and we don't see that happen with a man, because no attractive young man enters torchwood's environment for him to set his eye on. both times one does (mark in combat, andy in corpse day) there's more pressing matters at hand, and of course the latter time he's dead, so there's not much use in bothering anyway. we don't fully know where owen's bisexuality's at, but i don't think canon tells us anything about whether or not he has a preference, at least as far as being more attracted to women or men. but considering he's in 2007, he probably has a preference in regards to what's easier to go about and what he's more comfortable with. which, yeah, he has a line in kkbb about looking for a "proper woman" (eugh), but that's also when they started pushing the towen agenda and any chance of him getting a male love interest, even a one-off one, kinda went out the window. i tend to think gooseberry implies he had feelings for andy, though, but that's definitely up to interpretation, because it's admittedly mostly in the subtext.
#dredged this up from out of my drafts ffdskfj#i think he's absolutely capable of being into men romantically he just. has issues with it#don't get me started on what i think is going on with owen's sexuality#i think there's a lot of internalized homophobia + comphet + insecurity + fear of making his life harder going on there#and i think it's all kind of subtextually present in him too i'm not just pulling it out of my ass#anyway.#txt#torchwood posting#mine
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
I need to clean my room now. It is dire.
#im so embarrassed it looks like shit over here#i cleaned the kitchen bc my ex was picking up stuff but i KNOW she saw my room#what a fucking shitshow#that box of her things is gone now all ive got left is a handful of rose petals and a second hand coffee maker#and a flannel#all that for a quick 2 monthish relationship#i deeply regret rushing into things but I have poor judgement so.#heres to ruining everything good thats ever happened to me via my own choices 🍻 free will baby#I'm so mad right now even though i shouldn't be#the text thing really got to me idk if things can be ok#like yeah turns out when you hear all your fears verbalized insultingly by another person instead of just in your brain it hits harder??#Just felt like a line was being crossed#anyway#when you spill your guts to another person i guess you gotta expect to have shit flung back at you in the worst possible moment#I suck at keeping my mouth shut that's what happens when you stop journaling#you want to actually confide in others#And don't think I don't know that thats what im doing now#online!!#im unbelievably tired of it all#i wasn't built for this kind of life#ive got no friends. my job doesn’t pay me enough to live. ive got no will to feed myself. etc etc etc#worst of all i have to live with myself#because God knows i can't do anything about it#vile-wizard.txt
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Man I have a good idea for the helicopter crash tho
#tommy extremely injured his copilot has to go try to find help#tommy left with the kid who cant quite breathe on his own ad they have a not entirely full oxygen tank and one of those hand squeeze things#so the plan is tommy uses rhat to breathe for the kid as long as he possibly can#and when he feels like hes going to pass out switch to rhe tank#trying not to cry as he switches over because he doesnt want to scare the kid but god. will it be enough?#did he last long enough? it might be too late for him but will the kid survive to be rescued?#(of course yes they both do) (but rhe drama!!)#a harder kind of fear
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
i like the idea of writing fic but i feel i am better at writing nonfiction in comparison to fiction bc i can write a couple thousand word essay easy peasy but the fic i've been working on since october last year is only at 1700 words lmaooo
#i have a hard time w fiction my brain just doesnt like coming up w things. or well i can come up w things and i can like#them and try to write them but i cant get it on paper well and i feel like i have a harder time latching onto fiction than nonfiction#i want to be able to but i feel like there's some sort of block in my head i cant even imagine scenes in my head very well bc i get#distracted by literally anything else rip#i would like to be able to write fiction but i fear my creative abilities begin and end with drawing#idk i feel like there's this block in my head when i try to do another kind of art like i have such a hard time painting bc i dont like#understand it or maybe im seeing it as smth more different from drawing than it is and i have a hard time writing and i have a hard time#with sculpting idk i feel like i was made for drawing and smth abt the way i go about things is making it hard to do other arts#idk whatever i'm just thinkin abt things
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
it's been just under 3 days since we took that antibiotic and our brain still doesn't feel right.
all I can do is wait it out and hope it goes away soon, but we've barely been able to do anything for the last few days and honestly until the med fucked us up I wasn't even sure we could get less functional in terms of how bad our dissociation and stuff was but here we are.
I have things I need to do. I have things I was meant to organise. I'm gonna have to explain a bunch of stuff at that oral surgery consultation on Thursday and I have to hope the side effects have eased off by then because with the way our brain currently is, I'm not actually sure I'd be able to explain the things I need to or remember to ask about things I need to bring up.
I've missed doses of my regular meds because of both the brain fog and our sleep schedule getting fucked up because the medication side effects triggered a fatigue flare and we're back to randomly falling asleep and repeatedly getting stuck in a loop of falling asleep and then waking up just enough to register that we need to do something but not enough to actually open our eyes and do the thing before falling asleep again several times over the course of a few hours and having really vivid dreams that kind of blur together with reality so we wake up really disoriented.
I'm simultaneously overwhelmed, and too brain foggy and dissociated to really register what's making me overwhelmed, but then I think about something that I know has been stressing me out and I just kind of feel apathetic? I guess? and I've had the same thing with stuff I'd normally be really excited/enthusiastic about no matter how bad our depression gets. it's horrible because it's like, I know I care about this thing, I know I feel strongly about it, but I can't access any of those feelings and it's making me feel like I'm not properly myself and that's freaking me out really badly
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#long post#all this because of one fucking medication#I'm trying so fucking hard to manage my mental health#and now I have to deal with a medication making a load of those symptoms so much worse#I can put in as much effort as I'm able to and still shit like this happens regardless#like yeah sure just throw yet another thing into the mix that's gonna make it even harder to do literally anything#oh you're trying to manage your mental illnesses? here's a pill that makes your psychosis and dissociation and depression way worse#and the conversation with the 111 staff is still kind of haunting me#I'm used to people being shitty about our psychosis but having a medical professional treat us like we were dangerous#while we were just scared and wanted advice on what to do about taking the meds#plus the fear that they'd decide to put us on a psych ward against our will because that's a thing they can just fucking do#has kind of left me feeling like I'm in trouble for something and going to face some kind of consequences for... idk? being psychotic?#I think our paranoia is kind of flaring up (y'know... because of the meds) which definitely isn't helping with that feeling#I've spent at least the last month worrying about having a psychotic episode triggered by how stressed we've been#and I'd been trying to avoid that happening and was relieved that it hadn't happened so far#and then we just fucking got pushed into one by something completely avoidable instead because of course we fucking did#please can I just have a break from shit like this happening
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Forever annoyed that "don't speak over marginalized people", the notion that marginalized people are already spoken over, and their oppressors need to actually listen and learn before speaking about complicated topics and need to do so in support of not OVER them, so quickly turned into "I'm not x so I can't speak on x issues". Like the "don't speak on this if you're not this" started out so well meaning because it was about people needing to actually take the time to learn before talking about issues they didn't previously understand! Now it's just an excuse for people to never learn about the issues minorities face or to actually stand up for them in any meaningful way
#forming an opinion is so natural and also important. you can't just stay 'neutral' on everything just because marginalized groups arent#a collective that either fully agrees or fully disagrees with something#you will always have 'lol im x and i dont care about bigotry' folks. always. always always always#you've gotta use your god damned brain and do what's right instead of going 'im not allowed to have an opinion on this'#it's literally just looped around to ignoring issues again. like saying 'racism is bad' isnt good enough when you stay quiet#when your friend is being racist because they're a poc being racist to another poc#and that situation is too 'unclear' for you#ive seen that happen a ton. fucking get over it. yes they're going to respond negatively to being called racist literally everyone does#get over that fear of backlash and stick up for people!!!#this is why radqueers are a plague. their entire stance is 'we dont care enough to think so everything is good and okay'#and has done horrible shit like spread RAMPANT misinformation about mental disorders such as DID#which makes life so much harder for people with DID. and all disorders as they get romanticized instead of actually understood#so the people with the '''bad symptoms''' get shunned#the amount of times I've heard horror stories of actual systems getting abused and forced into all kinds of shit because of endos.......#anyway neutral stances are for things that don't really hurt people or dont matter or#for when youre in the position of actually learning and forming a position#which in that case its meant to be temporary. temporary!!!!!#radqueers dni
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
I forgot to update again before cause I was with my friends for the weekend (and staying up usually to like 4 am oops) but!! Last Friday third T shot yay!!!
I was in Vegas so got to do it this time with Fae and Zab IN PERSON!! Ahhh yay!! Had the shots shots shots song again too lmao I adore my people so fucking much holy shit
Also found out I’ve been doing my shots wrong (just a little too low) the whole time so!! Oops! Thank you zab for the advice and tips and everything ily,,
#dorian is on t#third shot was a doozy#it was a lot harder to do cause did it in my left leg this time#it’s!! always been kind of a production cause it’s a little hard getting over my belly#and also like yknow I literally can’t bend my spine so!! y’know!!#but we still go it done in the end#also had some a bit of fear cause my leg got a little swollen and itchy after but it’s FINE just badly timed bug bites lol#had no other symptoms tho!! no tiredness or headache or anything!!
4 notes
·
View notes