#a harder kind of fear

[try-set-me-on-fire]

Tagged by @doeeyeseddie and @eddiebabygirldiaz for seven sentence Sunday! Since I haven’t been posting much for tag games lately, here’s significantly more sentences than that from bucktommy acquire a child au. Warning for mentions of past child abuse in Tommy’s family.

Tommy stares down at the dotted line, pen hovering, running the name through his head over and over again and feeling kind of stupid for it. There’s no meaningful difference, at this point, between this last signature and any other of the seemingly dozens of pieces of paper they’ve signed tonight. Nothing really counts until Buck hands it over to the lawyer on his way to work tomorrow. He could sign and then tear the thing up, toss it in the trash. Find someone better to take this on. Take his name out of it, at the very least, hand the kid over to Evan entirely.

Evan, sitting next to him close enough that their knees are pressed tougher, bony, under the table. “What are you thinking?”

Tommy sighs and sets the pen down, tilting his head back to look up at the ceiling. “Can’t we just use… I don’t know, Diaz? I don’t want to give the poor kid my name.”

Buck laughs, just a little, still mostly serious. “I mean, I’m sure Eddie’d say yes if we asked, but- You gave me your name, why’s it a problem now?”

Tommy slides his fingers between Buck’s, surprised as he always is at how well they fit together. “You’re an adult, you can- handle it, carry it. Kinard children have historically been miserable things.”

Evan tilts his head, probably thinking about what Tommy is thinking about: Tommy, beat by his dad who was beat by his dad who was beat by- etc, etc, going back the entire horrible line of them. He’s imagined it before, some medieval peasant kid somewhere, crying into a hay bale or whatever the fuck it is poor folk slept on back then. Evan’d probably know. Maybe farther back than that. A caveman all the other cavemen side-eyed ‘cause he threw his kid in the path of a sabertooth or something.

“Okay,” is what Evan says. “I could get all pop psychology about, like, breaking cycles or whatever, but actually-” he points down the hall. “When I put him to bed tonight he talked literally right up until he was unconscious about all the stuff we saw at the zoo today, that I was in fact there for. Passed out mid word about how we got ice cream and saw a bird. Just a regular bird, that pigeon that landed on the table next to us. I think he was as excited about that as he was about, like, actual lions.”

Tommy laughs, despite his mood. “He was excited about the pigeon.” Milo had been so fascinated by it his ice cream had mostly melted by the time they could successfully prompt him to eat it.

Buck grins. “That kid- our kid- is happy, Tommy. Another talking point? How you carried him everywhere. He got to be so tall, he said you showed him everything.”

“I always hated being too short to see past crowds of people,” Tommy says quietly. “All those legs, everybody strangers.”

“I think most kids hate that,” Buck nods. He leans in to kiss Tommy’s cheek. “You’re not having second thoughts about this?”

“No,” Tommy says, immediate, breathy like it got punched out of him. “No. More than sure.”

Evan nods again. “He’s happy, and safe, and loved because of you. Sign the paper. It’s just a name, and one that I like very much actually.”

“Just a name,” Tommy raises an eyebrow. “So you would’ve been fine with him becoming a Buckley if we had done this the other way?”

“Oh, fuck no,” Buck says, face twisting up lemon-sour as Tommy laughs.

“You hypocrite.”

“Hey, you should have come up with a new name when you married me,” Buck sticks his tongue out, leaning back in his chair like a pleased cat. “Combined them maybe? We could have been… the Binards?”

Tommy squints at him. “No.”

“The Kuckleys?”

“Evan,” Tommy snorts. “No- that’s terrible.”

Buck grins. “Yeah. We really should have just asked Eddie. All be Diazes, it’d fix everything.”

“Imagine the kid’s family tree project at school,” Tommy says, picking up the pen, signing his name as fast as he can before doubt creeps back in. “We’re gonna have to teach him the words ‘non-conventional family structure’.”

Buck laughs and laughs, leaning into Tommy’s side until he kisses up the sound.

Tagging @shitouttabuck @bigfootsmom @iinryer @chronicowboy @butchdiaz @homerforsure if ya got anything to share!

[wolfblood-of-anubis]

Nina Martin, daughter of Hades, god of the dead, and ruler of the underworld.

Fabian Rutter, son of Athena, goddess of wisdom, warfare, and battle strategy.

Amber Millington, daughter of Aphrodite, goddess of love, beauty, sexuality, and passion.

[marc--chilton]

(mgv) what if like. going into rut was as physical as it was emotional. like, of course the hormones spike, but in turn physical effects include temporary spontaneous muscle growth (which then makes me think...... stretch marks..... wow,,,), higher sperm count, hair that ruffles easier (like how animals bristle to look bigger and scarier, but since humans evolved to not be covered in hair anymore that one is now just a sillier, annoying symptom) etc

i bring this up for the sake of the mental image i wish to bring to the table...... wilson working one more day until he goes on leave for his rut, his hair fluffy and messy despite his best attempts to tame it, his nice ironed shirts straining a little when usually they fit just fine...... he gets flirted with more often than usual and it makes him feel GOOD, being desirable is His Thing, especially right now

[watermelonolemretaw]

@starrz-n-waffl3-fries @burntmarshmallowqueen what do you think our characters' most important flaws are?

for kyete, it's definitely his self-doubt-- he's internalized this idea that because he's killed or otherwise hurt so many people, his own thoughts and feelings don't matter anymore because he's basically irredeemable

i think that's also why kyiro is so important (at least for kyete, might be a different story for hiro) because hiro is one of the people most affected by kyete's actions, and not only is he willing to live with him, but he also proves to kyete that he does matter and is worthy of love

[paradoxcd]

me squinting at s4: i'm liking it tua is always gonna be fun to watch but girl we are once again doing Same Narrative Thing to five. i just think we could have mixed up the dynamics more if it was gonna be him doing Further Timeline Gymnastics. i just think i missed five interacting w his family like i get doing things on his own is his whole Thing but it takes away some of the heart of the show fr me personally. a known five enjoyer.

[lesbiansanemi]

I'm so tired

[oncillaphoenix]

it's kind of frustrating that essentially all the advice on tumblr for functioning when your brain's not working properly assumes By Default that your brain's not working properly because of depression.

like. don't get me wrong, i'm glad there's advice for people with depression. and i'm totally capable of going, yeah ok this post isn't meant for me, moving on. but...when you have to do that with every advice post, when everyone around you is promising that everyone will feel better if they can put in the effort to do these things you know will make you feel worse, you start to wonder where the heck the posts that are meant for you are.

[try-set-me-on-fire]

Man I have a good idea for the helicopter crash tho

[jakowskis]

yknow what. ppl always say "owen's bi but he appears to prefer women" and it's like, we actually don't know that? yeah he only has onscreen relationships with women, but the circumstances of those relationships keep it from being a matter of preference. the thing about all of owen's canon relationships (excluding katie) is they're all out of him being opportunistic. they're all a matter of "because she was there". and we don't see that happen with a man, because no attractive young man enters torchwood's environment for him to set his eye on. both times one does (mark in combat, andy in corpse day) there's more pressing matters at hand, and of course the latter time he's dead, so there's not much use in bothering anyway. we don't fully know where owen's bisexuality's at, but i don't think canon tells us anything about whether or not he has a preference, at least as far as being more attracted to women or men. but considering he's in 2007, he probably has a preference in regards to what's easier to go about and what he's more comfortable with. which, yeah, he has a line in kkbb about looking for a "proper woman" (eugh), but that's also when they started pushing the towen agenda and any chance of him getting a male love interest, even a one-off one, kinda went out the window. i tend to think gooseberry implies he had feelings for andy, though, but that's definitely up to interpretation, because it's admittedly mostly in the subtext.

[vile-wizard]

I need to clean my room now. It is dire.

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

i like the idea of writing fic but i feel i am better at writing nonfiction in comparison to fiction bc i can write a couple thousand word essay easy peasy but the fic i've been working on since october last year is only at 1700 words lmaooo

[thethingything]

it's been just under 3 days since we took that antibiotic and our brain still doesn't feel right.

all I can do is wait it out and hope it goes away soon, but we've barely been able to do anything for the last few days and honestly until the med fucked us up I wasn't even sure we could get less functional in terms of how bad our dissociation and stuff was but here we are.

I have things I need to do. I have things I was meant to organise. I'm gonna have to explain a bunch of stuff at that oral surgery consultation on Thursday and I have to hope the side effects have eased off by then because with the way our brain currently is, I'm not actually sure I'd be able to explain the things I need to or remember to ask about things I need to bring up.

I've missed doses of my regular meds because of both the brain fog and our sleep schedule getting fucked up because the medication side effects triggered a fatigue flare and we're back to randomly falling asleep and repeatedly getting stuck in a loop of falling asleep and then waking up just enough to register that we need to do something but not enough to actually open our eyes and do the thing before falling asleep again several times over the course of a few hours and having really vivid dreams that kind of blur together with reality so we wake up really disoriented.

I'm simultaneously overwhelmed, and too brain foggy and dissociated to really register what's making me overwhelmed, but then I think about something that I know has been stressing me out and I just kind of feel apathetic? I guess? and I've had the same thing with stuff I'd normally be really excited/enthusiastic about no matter how bad our depression gets. it's horrible because it's like, I know I care about this thing, I know I feel strongly about it, but I can't access any of those feelings and it's making me feel like I'm not properly myself and that's freaking me out really badly

[radioactiveswampmonsters]

I forgot to update again before cause I was with my friends for the weekend (and staying up usually to like 4 am oops) but!! Last Friday third T shot yay!!!

I was in Vegas so got to do it this time with Fae and Zab IN PERSON!! Ahhh yay!! Had the shots shots shots song again too lmao I adore my people so fucking much holy shit

Also found out I’ve been doing my shots wrong (just a little too low) the whole time so!! Oops! Thank you zab for the advice and tips and everything ily,,

[featheredframingdevice]

*slams hands on desk* paintings of saints staring at their mortal peers with passive aggressive judgement WHEN

enough paintings of saints where they're looking heavenward in ecstatic agony or down with love and mercy on their onlookers as they ascend. we need more paintings where the martyr is looking accusatorily directly at the viewer.

[too-much-boobus]

THIS IS NOT FUNNY GUYS how to become hot enough to justify being so so selfish how to not die AHGHHH AGHGGHHH I HATE HOMOSEXUALITY I HATE GAY PEOPLE AGGHHGGH literally my only weakness. can u imagine my power if i werent gay. i would die meaningless and alone but at least id know id been perfect by everyone else. i was not built for this i was built to be worshipped and yet here i am GROVELING like a PATHETIC FAGGOT because im WANTING SOMETHING which lends myself to VULNERABILITY AND GIVES THE POWER TO DESTROY ME TO SOMEONE ELSE. and WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO. KILL MYSELF?1?1!1??1? maybe the problem is having self esteem. id say maybe its ok to be this pathetic as long as it makes them love me but it DOESNT EVEN. ITS ANNOYING AND BURDENSOME. i have to suppress myself if i want any of them at all. FUCK MY BAKA LIFE.and im GRATEFUL for this much but i cant help wanting more to the point the need and denial is interfering with my ability to enjoy anything. maybe buddha was right.........

holy shit i just reached the tag limit. anyways im gonna go take a fat shit and pray to god for a system reset soon plzplzplzplz i neeeed it i neeeed to reforge my identity from a depersonalized perspective chat come on its BEEN SO LONG what do i need to do.. ITS NOT MY FAULT NO ONES BEEN TRAUMATIZING ME LATELY come on now:/ i guess thats a good thing but i didnt know i was gonna turn into such a pissbaby afterward 😭 i hate the concept of regression how about im on top of it forever how about i never feel my emotions and never act my age THIS IS TOO SCARY IM SO BAD AT IT AHGHHHHH i will persevere. i just pictured a locked in chad face as a representation of myself and all my mortal complications have been quelled. Get back to work everypony crash out OVER. 😐🧏

#globs #♡

[prisonhannibal]

Families in Gaza are starving because of Israel blocking resources from entering. The consequences of childhood starvation are severe and deadly, both immediately and long term. Malnutrition weakens your immune system and leaves you more vulnerable to infectious diseases, and makes it harder for your body to fight the illness, so the chance of severe illness from common illnesses is higher. Even completely treatable illnesses can kill you when you’re starving and don’t have access to medical care. This combined with lack of clean and safe drinking water is extremely dangerous, especially for the children. Malnutrition stunts your growth, affects your development and heightens risk of serious health problems for the rest of your life. Being underweight and suffering from malnutrition makes you cold more easily, and more vulnerable to hypothermia.

Can you imagine as a parent having to witness your child suffering like this? Fearing for your children’s lives from what would usually be a relatively minor illness? Hearing them cry from hunger because the occupation is starving them? This is every parents worst nightmare, but for Ahed this is reality.

Ahed has three beautiful young daughters under 10 years old. 9 year old Fatima “the closest to (Ahed’s) heart and my little one”, 6 year old Iman “the friendly, kind, and loving child who is loved by everyone” and little Nour, who is only one year old and has barely got to experience peace in her short life.

He campaigns every day to get attention for his campaign to feed them and keep them warm and hopefully evacuate when the border opens. We have the power to help Ahed and his little children survive this. Food prices in Gaza are extremely high and it’s difficult to even get water. Ahed and his family do not have adequate shelter from the cold. Donations can help him buy food and clothing and blankets for his children to keep them warm in the winter They’re already suffering so much from the sounds of bombs and repeated displacements, starvation and infectious diseases is another cruel consequence of the occupations genocide in Gaza.

I know he is scared and exhausted from asking for help for this, but he keeps going because his children are his whole world, and like any parent he would do anything to save them. This is his hope. I believe it’s our job, as the people who support and care about palestinians lives, to make sure the people who reach out for help know that the world hasn’t forgotten them. Please show Ahed that the compassionate people of the world will help him

they only have €7,153 raised out of the 40,000 goal. Anything you send will help a lot ❤️

DONATE HERE + VETTING (#229 on the spreadsheet)

@vampiricvenus @appsa @heritageposts @nabulsi @dirhwangdaseul @tamamita @butchniqabi @autisticmudkip @finalgirlabigailhobbs @sawasawako @khanger @neechees @loumandivorce @cuntylouis @jdon @dlxxv-vetted-donations @beserkerjewel @handweavers @socalgal @anneemay @pikslasrce @deepspaceboytoy