#the same back bc how i love is already wrong its alr my fault and theyre being nice enough bearing the burdens and tolerating it | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

too-much-boobus · 19 days ago

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THIS IS NOT FUNNY GUYS how to become hot enough to justify being so so selfish how to not die AHGHHH AGHGGHHH I HATE HOMOSEXUALITY I HATE GAY PEOPLE AGGHHGGH literally my only weakness. can u imagine my power if i werent gay. i would die meaningless and alone but at least id know id been perfect by everyone else. i was not built for this i was built to be worshipped and yet here i am GROVELING like a PATHETIC FAGGOT because im WANTING SOMETHING which lends myself to VULNERABILITY AND GIVES THE POWER TO DESTROY ME TO SOMEONE ELSE. and WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO. KILL MYSELF?1?1!1??1? maybe the problem is having self esteem. id say maybe its ok to be this pathetic as long as it makes them love me but it DOESNT EVEN. ITS ANNOYING AND BURDENSOME. i have to suppress myself if i want any of them at all. FUCK MY BAKA LIFE.and im GRATEFUL for this much but i cant help wanting more to the point the need and denial is interfering with my ability to enjoy anything. maybe buddha was right.........

holy shit i just reached the tag limit. anyways im gonna go take a fat shit and pray to god for a system reset soon plzplzplzplz i neeeed it i neeeed to reforge my identity from a depersonalized perspective chat come on its BEEN SO LONG what do i need to do.. ITS NOT MY FAULT NO ONES BEEN TRAUMATIZING ME LATELY come on now:/ i guess thats a good thing but i didnt know i was gonna turn into such a pissbaby afterward 😭 i hate the concept of regression how about im on top of it forever how about i never feel my emotions and never act my age THIS IS TOO SCARY IM SO BAD AT IT AHGHHHHH i will persevere. i just pictured a locked in chad face as a representation of myself and all my mortal complications have been quelled. Get back to work everypony crash out OVER. 😐🧏

#globs #♡

#I DONT EVEN WANNA BE PATHETIC #I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS #ITS NOT ENJOYABLE #i hate being like this #maybe if they wanted me more or if i wanted them less itd be more balanced but either is impossible #i wonder if they at all enjoy it being like this #despite the responsibility and the annoying parts #im doing all i can do contain it and yet.#its my problem #i keep being too scared to even admit i feel like this for fear of it leading to thoughts of breaking up or losing love #so i need to keep reminding myself that this is nothing in the long run and conflicts are normal.#we've had a pretty much perfect relationship so im not used to any problems but normal relationships have them all the time #as long as we stick together itll be ok and i dont need to worry about all that #this is just like sadistic beauty side story b (nobody search this up)(the yaoi might be too toxic w this one..)#like when the top ruins everything by caring and wanting to be loved back when thats simply not possible when hes already taking so much #i need to learn his lesson and just give up bro 😭😭 its ok that im giving everything but holding it back only when they want and not getting #the same back bc how i love is already wrong its alr my fault and theyre being nice enough bearing the burdens and tolerating it #and i wont find anything more than what theyve given me and even then i dont want it if its not them #BUT ITS SO HARD #I dont want to say i cant #its just hard to keep up after a while #i get tired too #but i always need to pick myself up #the worst part is theyre so insistent on giving me hope. theyd prolly want me to talk this out w them and theyd say theyre sorry and theyll #try harder but i dont want that. theyll try and it wont work and itll strain them. i dont want it to be an active effort to love me. id #rather just not have as much for the sake of the longevity of it.#despite knowing that i still keep wanting because theres always that chance that theyre offering me by being too kind.#and i have the gall to get upset at tgem about it sometimes.. i know its only momentary unreasonability but it does build subconsciously #and i despise that the most. i never nevr never want to hate them because theyve already given me everything i could ever ask for #and theyre such a good person with such good intentions and i adore them and theres nothing else out there for me

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