#and having to On Purpose ignore all the academic advice i was getting because it was actually making it harder for me to succeed in school.

[oncillaphoenix]

it's kind of frustrating that essentially all the advice on tumblr for functioning when your brain's not working properly assumes By Default that your brain's not working properly because of depression.

like. don't get me wrong, i'm glad there's advice for people with depression. and i'm totally capable of going, yeah ok this post isn't meant for me, moving on. but...when you have to do that with every advice post, when everyone around you is promising that everyone will feel better if they can put in the effort to do these things you know will make you feel worse, you start to wonder where the heck the posts that are meant for you are.

[skelexguts]

HEY. YOU,, WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR ME RAMBLING ABOUT MY COMFORT/FAVORITE CHARACTERS FOR A MOMENT,, ILL TAKE IT AS A YES!!!

Bubba is such a good potential character in writing, honestly he’s like a “that one friend/dad friend who gives wise advice” vibes, I’ve this headcanon that bubba definitely a gifted kid that experience burnout from being pressured onto himself on unrealistic expectations and has a fear that he’ll be a failure.

Add more to this; Bubba probably experienced this due to stress and so much pressure onto himself and don’t want to be a failure to his friends not to mention that he’s a person pleaser which already causes him to not take care of himself.

Yet people overlook him as “ Mr-knows-it-all” like just let him educate his friends, as I headcanon that he has trouble with his emotions cause of bottling up his feelings because he doesn’t want his friends to see that he’s such a mess on the inside.

Adding more bc yes; the cause of bubba experience mental burnout is probably from his parents since in my headcanon that his parents put alot of pressure on him to try to help bubba to be becoming a doctor or a lawyer just like the rest of his family, which cause him to have unrealistic expectations onto himself and even when he did reach one of his goals, he felt like it’s not good enough and tries hard to the point, bubba gets tired both emotionally and physically.

But as it continues, with all the academic pressure and his high expectations get into his head, it causes him to ignore his well mentally being and not take care of himself such as his sleep and eating patterns and the lack of sleep, with this happening, his friends started to worrying about him especially Kickin, who sometimes help bubba getting out of his comfort zone by going out and hang out together just having fun also helping bubba to not overworked about his studies, but even with that, Bubba felt like he doesn’t have a purpose at the moment that cause more mental issues.

Another thing I’m going to add is Bubba has anxiety and bit of social issues due to gifted child syndrome as well as having insecurities about his intelligence and low self esteem also feeling emotionally numb inside as well as irritability and many more.

Last thing to finally finish to say; if the smiling critters was an actual cartoon, I imagine an episode that focuses on Bubba and how burn can affect on children especially those who are gifted, with bubba having a panic attack or even mental breakdown and let his emotions out in front of his friends, then the critters comfort him and tells them that he’s not a failure and tells and even educate him the importance of self care also told him that he need deserve a break as well give support and love in the end!!

It would be great concept for an episode to educate children or even everyone about burnout and gifted child syndrome and how to help and support them as well learning about mental health and how to improve in many different ways.

Well that’s it!! I hope y’all enjoy me rambling about bubba, he’s one of my favorite and comfort characters and I have to give him justice, he like a son to me fr!!!

[nonsensicaldude]

2 months into college and...

It's been 2 months since I started college and it's great, chill even. Slight issues, however.

The first issue was my view of myself and others, which started off poorly. In senior high school, I was often seen as a "genius" by my classmates, not a super genius, just above average. Because of that, I was frequently chosen to lead or represent the class in academic tasks. While it was a burden, it gave me a sense of purpose. I enjoyed being asked for help and feeling important, though it annoyed me when people asked for things they could do themselves. I was the only academic excellence awardee in my first year and the top one in my second.

However, when I started college, I felt useless and overshadowed by classmates who seemed smarter, wealthier, and more insightful. I became jealous and started viewing those I thought were better than me as bad people. I looked for their weaknesses to feel better, but it didn’t help. Eventually, I realized they were just like me—trying to be important and trusting themselves first. After interacting with them, I saw them in a better light; none of them were bad after all (though I'm still scared of people. It's irrational but I always have this running thought that a lot of people would brush me off, ignore me, or just plainly be rude to me and I fear that, my apologies). Second, my poor communication skills. Almost everyone quickly formed their own friend groups after classes began. Two years ago, I wouldn’t have minded since I survived a year without classmates as friends. But now, I see things differently. I'm used to being alone and finding ways to entertain myself, but having someone to talk to is different. I regularly talk to one person, but only because we know each other through a mutual friend, mostly for schoolwork. Another cool guy has spoken to me a few times, and I hope we can become good friends if we get more chances. He reminds me of a close friend from senior high school. I really need to work on initiating conversations, though—I haven’t even spoken to the person next to me in class for two months, and it feels awkward for both of us.

The third issue is my overthinking and paranoia. It mostly wastes my time and resources. Some professors have strict formats or standards we must follow, like using a wacky selfie for schoolwork. Even when I know I understood instructions, my habit of forgetting things makes me double-check. If I don’t, I panic and try to fix it. For example, if a professor asks for a Letter-sized printout, I might overthink and end up printing on several different paper sizes just to be sure. As of right now, I'm desperate for wise advice ahhhhhh

[baepop]

Written in the Stars

You’re the girl of Jungkook’s dreams, literally. The only problem: you’re taken by his best friend

Word Count: 26.2k

Pairing: Jungkook x You x Taehyung

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Eventual Smut, Slow Burn, Pining, Soulmate Au, Plot based around supernatural dreams

A/N: Back again with another love triangle. Are you even surprised? I wanted to write this story after finding out Jungkook really liked the movie “Your Name”

Jungkook has always been a true romantic, a believer in kismet and fate, convinced there is only one person out there in the world made specifically for you.

You might attribute these beliefs to his obsession with dramatic anime movies, the fluffy K-dramas he binges, or to simply watching his own parents happily grow old together. But the truth was that he had an actual reason to believe the way that he did. What one might mistake for blind faith, the boy ascertained to be proven conviction, scientific even.

The fact of the matter was that he had concrete proof of this widely speculated notion being as real as he was.

His ascertations started at quite a young age, when the little boy with the scar on his cheek asked his mother a very complicated question in the kitchen. His brothers and father had already cleared out, leaving his mother to pick up after them. The little boy dutifully brought her the soiled dishes from the table into the kitchen, restating his question matter-o-factly when she stared at him in bewilderment. Mrs. Jeon stared at her youngest son of nine, her mind racing as to the possible reasons for his inquiry.

“Mom?” The boy tipped his head to the side, letting his buoyant hair fall to the side.

“I…why do you ask?” She posed her question as gently as possible so as not to scare him away. He was quite shy, so the last thing she wanted was to make him feel like he couldn’t confide in her.

But he simply shrugged, his large innocent eyes reflecting her confused expression within them. Of course, there wasn’t an ulterior motive to this question. What could he possibly know about true love?

The older woman smiled, putting on her dish washing gloves as she took the plates out of his hands.

She sighed, contemplating dreamily as she recalled her own romance with his father. “How to know when you’re in love? Well…it’s not really something you know, but rather something you feel. It’s a natural feeling, as natural as being hungry or just realizing you like something.”

Jungkook thought for a minute before responding, “Then what does it feel like?”

“Hmm…you know when it’s cold, so I throw your blanket in the dryer for a few minutes before tucking you in, and you’re warm and comfortable before you drift to sleep?” The boy smiled and nodded enthusiastically. It was his most favorite thing in the world. “It feels like that, but emotionally.”

“Emotionally?” Jungkook furrowed his eyebrows, unable to conceptualize being wrapped in a warm blanket in such an abstract way.

“Yes,” The woman gently poked the child’s chest where his heart would be. His gaze followed her finger before she began tickling his sides which earned a fit of laughter from the boy who shied away from her touch. She ruffled his head and ordered him to get the rest of the dishes from the table. He quickly obliged, but not before answering one last question.

“Jungkook! Do you…have a girlfriend at school?” The boy shook his head innocently before disappearing into the hall. She smiled to herself, wondering if he was telling the truth or if he just wanted to keep it a secret from his mother. She knew Jungkook wasn’t a secretive kind of kid, but she could still understand him not wanting to share things like that with his mom. She made a mental note to ask his father about it before bed.

What she didn’t know, however, was that this conversation would have more of an impact on the boy than she’d ever imagined.

Jungkook was experiencing something he never had before, something so out of the ordinary that he couldn’t ask anyone for advice about it for fear of sounding absolutely crazy. He could only try and get advice by asking out-of-the-blue questions to his mother because he knew she wouldn’t pry.

He had started dreaming of you, every single night, and he didn’t know what to make of it at first.

The dreams were mundane, ordinary slice-of-life reels of a foreign girl similar in age to him. For many hours of your day, he’d watch you wake up and get ready for school just as he would, going throughout your day, talking to friends and doing schoolwork. Then you’d come home and spend time with your sisters, play with your cat and watch anime or other things girls his age might do. None of it thrilled him in the least, and if he was being honest, it freaked him out, especially because he didn’t know who the heck you were.

He wasn’t yet at the age where girls were particularly interesting to him. None he knew liked video games or looking at bugs and therefore the female gender was unappealing to his boyish heart.

It was frustrating when he couldn’t seem to convince his brain that he didn’t want to dream of you anymore. Night after night, he’d be forced to watch your life as someone in a secret audience, much to his annoyance.

It wasn’t until you’d entered middle school and started getting bullied that his dreams began to impact him deeply. He’d always remember your first day at school when that mean older girl pulled on your buns and told you how ugly you were, and the way you pretended it didn’t hurt you until you got home and cried on your bed for hours. He’d felt so powerless, unable to help or even talk to this person he seemed to know intimate details about for so long. It was then that he realized his attachment to you for the first time.

Jungkook was always pretty popular at school, so he’d never had to worry about being bullied by anyone. And thanks to you, his popularity only seemed to increase over the years when Jungkook made it a point to stand up against bullies on behalf of others. After watching your struggle at school, he knew how deeply someone’s words and actions could affect others, and he didn’t want anyone feeling the way you did, ever.

Thankfully, his qualms were lessened when you’d both gone into high school. You seemed to be having a better time there, quickly finding a group of people with similar tastes and ideals to yours. He’d found it ironic how your lives seemed to be on a balancing scale. Whenever he was having a hard time, he’d go to sleep at night and watch you having the time of your life. So, while high school was good to you, Jungkook struggled with his studies, earning disappointing grades that he’d fearfully bring home to his stern parents.

The truth was that he wasn’t much of the academic type. He always preferred to be out in the sunshine, playing with some kind of ball or dancing or making music. He loved doing the things that made him feel most alive, and sitting in a classroom answering tiresome questions simply wasn’t that.

You, however, excelled in school, so much so that you had already been taking advanced classes by your third year. It was becoming apparent to Jungkook that you and he were very different people, but it had been so long that he’d been keeping tabs on your life that it didn’t matter. It was weird, the way his thoughts seemed to drift to you and what you might be doing while he sat in class chewing on his pencil.

He knew everything about you and your family and your friends. He knew what your favorite colors were, what your favorite flavors were and what kind of genres you preferred the most. He even knew about the secret piercing you had gotten despite not telling a single soul about it. You had skipped school alone to get it done in a sketchy part of town, and then spent the rest of that week secretly caring for it from infection. It was the first time he’d felt he could relate to you, and he found the thought funny enough to snigger about during silent times in class.

But as time went by, Jungkook was having a hard time being okay with it all. He knew he didn’t have much of a choice when it came to dreaming about you, he just wanted to know why.

Why you? Why still? What did this all mean? Was this the universe’s way of keeping him grounded? A way to show him that even when he felt singled out, there were still people on the other side of the world going through similar situations? Or maybe this was a superpower that he didn’t know how to control? Jungkook had visited countless comic bookstores in the city, trying to find a story similar to his own, anything that might give him guidance or a nudge in the right direction. Was he psychic? He didn’t feel psychic exactly. He’d never been able to dream about anyone else let alone tap into anyone else’s thoughts or lives the way he had with you. If this was truly his superpower, he’d consider the universe to be a cruel entity, considering this wasn’t exactly what he meant when he wished he had special abilities as a little boy.

He tried to ignore the doubt sitting in the back of his mind, the thoughts that negated you being a real person. He’d thought about it before, about the possibility that he had completely made you up, even considered the possibility that he was mentally unwell, but whenever he’d dream about you, he’d feel it deep in his bones, the realness of it all. He knew you were real and out there in the world. He just knew.

Jungkook continued to question the purpose of his dreams and look out for signs throughout high school, which he eventually received in the form of an animated movie. The tale of star-crossed lovers being connected in such a supernaturally convoluted way yet still finding their way to each other in the end had affected him in ways he couldn’t describe. He thought back to his mother’s words, about feeling so warm and comfortable when it came to being with the person you were meant to be with.

Were you his soul mate? The idea intrigued him. He’d always thought of you as a comrade, someone he was sharing his life with in the strangest way possible. But it all felt one-sided, how was he to know you might have those strong feelings about him? Had you been dreaming about him too? These questions kept Jungkook up at night before he’d finally close his eyes and tune into the latest occurrences of your life.

In this instance, he’d watched you get taken to the parking lot by some douchebag in your school that he had already disliked since your freshman year. Jungkook had woken up that morning frazzled and disoriented after watching you accept his confession of love. It seemed when he was becoming comfortable with the idea of you being the one person meant for him, you had finally decided to start dating. And with that guy no less.

Jungkook wished he could come see you, to tell you not to give this guy a chance to break your heart, but he knew you wouldn’t listen to him. Because as weird as it would be for him to tell someone about his dreams, it would be weirdest of all to tell you about them, if you hadn’t been dreaming about him too. Besides, he wouldn’t even know how to get to you, he only owned a bus pass and didn’t have any money.

And thanks to your decision to start dating, what had turned into mildly entertaining dreams had become his own personal hell for the next year.

He’d try to stay up as late as possible so he only had to watch a little bit of your life before waking up for school in the morning, and it was starting to take a toll on him. He didn’t care though, he’d deal with being tired just so he didn’t have to watch you pretend to be happy while in a toxic relationship. When he’d witnessed the way you held back tears after your dick-head of a boyfriend made a comment about your weight, Jungkook decided to form a strike against his subconscious. The boy began staying up late playing video games well into the early hours of the morning before getting ready for school. His friends commented on the bags under his eyes, and his teachers casted worried glances in his direction when they’d see him dozing off in class, but nonetheless Jungkook persevered.

And thanks to his stubbornness to sleep at night, he discovered another clue about his supposed superpower: He could only dream of you at night. Whenever Jungkook would take a nap during the day to supplement his lack of nocturnal sleep, he didn’t dream of you. Ironically, it was the most rest he had gotten in years, and the realization only served to confuse him even more.

After some time had passed with him silently protesting your relationship, he had finally given in and went to bed at a reasonable hour, if only to make sure you were okay, because as much as he hated who you were with, he still cared about you.

Much to Jungkook’s surprise, a lot had occurred in the short span of time he had been staying away from you. You were dealing with a messy breakup while preparing for a huge trip abroad with your class. Jungkook watched eagerly, trying to get important details from the conversations you were having. You hardly confided in your parents or sisters about what was going on at school, but luckily you had been keeping a journal, so he was able to get the juicy details of your life as you wrote out your feelings. Apparently your now ex-boyfriend had threatened you, telling you not to go on your class trip to Korea or else he’d break up with— Korea!? Jungkook was so surprised he had almost managed to wake himself up. You were coming to his country?! Where exactly?! When?!

The boy no longer cared about the details of your breakup. He only cared about your coming to see him. Well, he knew you weren’t hopping on a plane to go see him, per se, but this still felt like Jungkook’s chance to finally meet you.

Jungkook woke up for school with a pep in his step. His cheerful demeanor freaked his friends out, but was too preoccupied to notice. He just wanted to go on with his day as quickly as possible so he could go to bed and learn more things about your trip.

Unfortunately, he had been saddened to realize you weren’t in the best place mentally as of late since dealing with the breakup. Your ex-boyfriend had started a malicious rumor about breaking up with you because you had an STD, which wasn’t true of course, but to high schoolers, it doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, the damage would still be done. You threw yourself into your studies again and kept to yourself, your trip abroad being the only thing you now looked forward to.

As the final week leading up to your trip came and went quickly, Jungkook prepared himself. He had decided to go see you, no matter how scared he was to introduce himself. He couldn’t let such an opportunity pass him by, he’d even sneak out of his house if he had to.

Jungkook was only able to gather that you would be visiting famous places with your class like the National Museum and the War Memorial, even making it a point to go to Lotte World, but he wasn’t able to get the specific details of your visit in order to be at the right place at the right time. Still, he ascertained that he’d be able to coordinate once you landed in Korea. He’d at least know where you were staying then.

But something peculiar happened yet again: Jungkook stopped dreaming about you the day you were set to depart to Korea. Jungkook went to bed that night eagerly, excited to see how you’d felt about flying for the first time and your general reactions to his favorite city ever.

When he’d woken up after hours of darkness, he was confused and disappointed, but not enough to bring his mood down. He felt a tingling sensation, a feeling of knowing deep in his bones that you were close to him. Even if he hadn’t dreamt about you, it didn’t mean you weren’t still here, and so Jungkook skipped school that day and rode public transportation to Seoul early in the day. His heart beat erratically the closer he got, the overwhelming feeling of kismet painting his world in rosy shades. He couldn’t believe he was finally going to see you, the person he had been dreaming about since he was a small child, in person.

Jungkook practiced what he’d say when he saw you. He wanted it to be perfect, but as he went over his lines in his head, it suddenly occurred to him that you didn’t speak Korean, and he certainly didn’t speak your native language. He thought back to his dreams, trying to recall how he was able to understand everything going on, but unable to explain it to himself. It was much like trying to explain the dreams themselves. He just knew what was going on. He knew how you felt about things, even when you weren’t verbose. He also knew how other people thought and felt around you despite not speaking the same language. He would be completely confused if he were there with you in person instead of dreaming about you, so it seemed that there were different rules when it came to his intrusive dreams.

This perplexed Jungkook even further. He didn’t know where exactly you were, and even if he did, he didn’t know how to talk to you. The boy scratched his head worriedly, wondering if what he was doing was silly, but he was now almost at the city. There was no turning back now.

Jungkook ascended the steps of the subway and took in a deep breath. The air was a lot cooler in the city, though not as fresh. He looked around at the bustling crowds of people, feeling a bit out of place in his school uniform. He began walking in the same direction as everyone else, only stopping to buy flowers from a street vendor along the way. He figured if he didn’t know what to say to you, a pretty flower might be able to say what he couldn’t.

He didn’t want to scare you off by coming on too strong. Still, he wanted to convey his feelings for you somehow, to show you that you two were fated somehow, even if neither of you knew why exactly.

Jungkook walked around aimlessly for hours. As his feet grew tired, he realized how silly it was to assume he might run into you just by being in the same city. Seoul was huge, and the odds of that were slim. Still, if the universe had bothered to present you to him for so long, then maybe it would lend him a helping hand right now, too.

He made his way to all of the places he knew your class would visit. He didn’t have any money to go in to some of them, so he waited around to see if you might show up. When you didn’t, he began feeling even sillier about the entire ordeal. As the late afternoon approached, he reluctantly caught the train back home, knowing it’d be best that he arrived home at the same time as usual so his parents wouldn’t suspect him of playing hooky.

He rode the train home dejectedly, but still hopeful to see what your day was like when he’d go to bed that night.

But unfortunately, only darkness awaited him again.

Jungkook awoke more confused than ever the next morning. What did this mean? Was he losing touch with you? It would be ironic, since you were now physically closer to him than ever before. Was he losing his super lame superpower all of a sudden? The thought freaked him out. His dreams had effectively become a part of him and his identity, not to mention, he’d basically grown up with you. To suddenly not know about you every night was to relearn how to be alone again, which he hadn’t been for almost a decade. Jungkook quickly shook the thought from his mind.

Since his school was quick to call parents for any little thing, he wasn’t able to continue skipping school to go into the city, but he knew you’d still be there in the weekend coming up, so he settled for trying to get his dreams to come back to him so he could find you.

But as each night came and went without a sign of you, Jungkook grew increasingly anxious. He was no closer to finding answers than he was to finding you, and the thought made him feel helpless. Worst of all, he felt as if his image of you was already fading, despite having seen you every night for years. He tried his hardest to recall all of your features, but they came up hazily. He’d been so shaken by the realization that he pulled out a sheet of paper in class and began trying to sketch you in the middle of class. He came out with a drawing of a faceless girl in a school uniform, despite his best efforts. The ambiguous drawing mocked him, so he balled it up angrily and tossed it into his bag, deciding that it meant nothing if he decided it so.

Just as he had no control over beginning to dream about you, he had no control over continuing to do so, he’d soon realized, and the whole thing felt like a cruel joke. Was this the universe’s plan? To get him invested in someone unreachable only to yank them away when he was so close to getting to them?

On Friday night, Jungkook went to bed with his weekend outfit folded neatly at the foot of his bed. He was determined to head out bright and early and spend the entire day in the city searching for you. And much to his surprise, there wasn’t any darkness waiting for him as he drifted off to sleep.

You were on an airplane, looking out of the window and watching the sunset. Your classmates were also on the plane already sleeping. It turned out that your trip had gotten cut short due to a funding mix up at your school. You were disappointed, but you had had so much fun the last few days, so you decided to focus on being grateful for having the experience at all. By the time you were getting close to landing, Jungkook had woken up.

He sat upright, tears flowing freely from the corners of his eyes. He wasn’t crying exactly, but he should’ve been. Instead, he immediately fetched a sketchpad and began drawing you. He dragged the thin lead across the page continuously, slowly forming the image of you looking out of the plane window. It was you, of that he was certain. And although he was momentarily relieved, he hated the way someone who didn’t even know who he was could have such control over his life.

He laid back down and allowed himself to feel the deep sadness that washed over him. He had decided to believe in his initial suspicions. It turned out that the universe had been just as cruel and fickle as he suspected it to be.

Jungkook spent the rest of his senior year processing his feelings of anger in different ways.

He’d returned to his strike, staying up at night and sleeping during the day. He no longer wanted to be invested in your life as much as he already was, especially if his knowing you from afar was destined to stay that way forever.

He wasn’t mad at anything or anyone in particular, though sometimes he hated you for not coming to find him, as irrational as that was. Sometimes he hated himself for not being more capable of finding you, sometimes he hated your school for not giving him enough time, sometimes he just hated the universe for making him into this plaything he considered himself to be.

As you focused on college applications, Jungkook began spending less time at home and more time exposing himself to the night life in Seoul. He knew he had no plans of pursuing a University degree despite his parents’ encouragement. So instead, he did whatever came to mind, especially if it was something dangerous or out of the norm. He convinced himself he was simply trying to find himself, but a small kernel of truth inside of him suggested he was being destructive on purpose, only wanting to pursue things that would suggest he wasn’t the same boy as he’d always been, that he wouldn’t bend to the universe’s rules on who he was and consequently who he should be with. That his dreaming of you wasn’t a huge part of who he was.

The five years that followed his high school graduation were a bit of a blur. He’d moved out at 19 and into a house full of 6 other boys that he’d met in the city. He’d gotten an overnight job, a shit ton of tattoos, and a dog since then.

Jungkook now spent his nights bartending at a trendy club in Hongdae and snoring the day away in his room. Even the nightly conquests he’d bring home reflected the kind of life he was now living, fast-paced and wild.

Just as Jungkook had numbly flung himself into a lifestyle he knew nothing about growing up, he did the same with women, screwing his way through his Seoul without remorse. And just as he chose to think that his beliefs would be true simply because he could force them to be true, he believed he could find the one simply because he decided you weren’t. Of course, when he found an inability to connect with anyone that he’d bring home or meet on a random day, he blamed it on whatever was convenient. His reason for blowing off the girl who had cutely left her number on his nightstand last night: he couldn’t see himself being with a cat person. It would never work, or so he told himself as he stretched his tired muscles.

The groggy boy yawned and sat at the edge of his bed, petting his pit bull who had excitedly come to his feet as soon as he awoke. He felt bad for not being able to spend more time with his dog, but he was thankful one of his friends was always home to care for him when he couldn’t. Besides, the dog had grown more attached to his best friend anyway.

He peered into his tired eyes reflected back at him in his large mirror that faced his bed. He shook his long dark hair out of his eyes and flexed his muscles, watching his tattoos contort in the process.

“You are so fucken full of yourself.” Taehyung watched his friend from the doorway before the dog turned towards him, wagging his tail furiously. Tae was his favorite person in the house because he was home a lot and therefore spent the most time with him.

Jungkook rolled his eyes, flashing a cocky smile towards his friend before locating his shirt and throwing it on over his head.

“What time is it?” He yawned and stood up, patting the bed for his phone.

“Five. Come eat.”

Both of them descended the stairs once Jungkook found his cellphone in the pocket of his jeans sprawled on the floor. They joined the rest of their rowdy housemates at the dinner table, taking seats opposite of each other as Yoongi began serving them the fried rice he had slayed over.

As Jungkook rubbed the sleep from his eyes, he looked around the table and felt at ease. He’d managed to find himself in crazy situations since he’d left home, but the one thing he didn’t regret was befriending this group of boys. They’d taken him under their wing and offered him countless good advice when he really needed it. But most of all, he was grateful for his absolute best friend in the entire world, Taehyung.

They had gotten off to a rocky start when they first met, sizing each other up after one spilled a drink on the other during a party. After so long, neither of them remembered who started the altercation exactly, but they could both freely laugh about it since the whole thing was so stupid.

Jungkook and Taehyung ended up spending a lot of time together after that fateful party since they shared so many friends, and realized they had a lot more in common than they originally thought. It wasn’t long before they were as thick as thieves, going out together, getting kicked out of clubs together, giving each other poorly drawn tattoos and playing wingman when one desperately needed to get laid.

Though Taehyung was always as rambunctious as he was, Jungkook still knew he didn’t share that same chaos within himself that compelled him to be reckless. Taehyung was a good guy with a good head on his shoulders and a bright future ahead of him, so the closer they got, the more Jungkook encouraged him to go to college and put those brains of his to good use.

He ended up taking the advice, which is where he met his current girlfriend. Jungkook had been both happy and disappointed to hear the news. He saw how happy and smitten Tae was, but this meant he had lost his wingman, and it also undoubtedly meant they would spend less time together since he’d seen first-hand how girlfriends suck up a man’s free time. Jungkook wrinkled his nose at the thought as he chewed on his dinner, well, breakfast really.

“Something wrong?” Yoongi watched Jungkook make a face as he ate, worried about the taste of his food.

Jungkook quickly shook his head, “No hyung, this is really good, thank you.” Yoongi nodded in satisfaction, turning to look at Taehyung.

“What about you?”

Taehyung turned to the older boy in confusion, swallowing his food before reaffirming how good the rice was. Yoongi chuckled, shaking his head before he spoke, “Not that. Didn’t you have something you wanted to tell us?”

The table went quiet as Taehyung smiled, his cheeks twinged pink in embarrassment at the sudden focus on him. Jungkook quirked his brow, unsure as to what was going on. He was usually the first to know about Taehyung’s business, but his increase in hours at work had been keeping him out of the loop with all of the house’s plans.

Taehyung cleared his throat, making eye contact with the members of the table as he spoke, “So, as you all may or may not know, I have a girlfriend,” Someone made a sound of disgust which caused the table to erupt in laughter. Nonetheless, Taehyung persevered, “And it’s getting pretty serious so, I want to bring her over so you all can meet her. You guys are like my family so…” Another sound of disgust was made, but this time it came from Jungkook. Everyone laughed as Tae flung the bottle of sauce at him. The younger boy caught it, his squinted eyes alight with humor. “Since everyone has a day off this Saturday, I’m inviting her over then. I figured we could watch a movie or something. It’s been forever since we all hung out as a group too. Everyone’s so busy these days…”

The boys took turns looking around the table, feeling a bit guilty for not making more free time for each other. When they had first moved in, they were all inseparable, but now, it was rare for them to all be congregated to share a meal the way they all were now.

“Anyway, that’s it. Please don’t embarrass me.” Taehyung held his palms up together in the air, pleading his hyungs not to go out of their way to scare his girlfriend off.

Jungkook smiled as he watched his friends begin to crack jokes about how domesticated Taehyung had become after becoming taken. The brunette ate his food in silence, trying to focus on their words and not in the buzzing feeling he felt deep inside himself. He knew this feeling already, he had felt it before, and if this was years ago, he’d be unwilling to give it the time of day.

Before, he had wanted to drive you out of his life by force, and it had worked for a bit, but every once in a while, this feeling of nostalgia would wash over him, reminding him that somewhere out there in this big world full of billions of people, you existed, no matter how much he thought he didn’t care. Eventually, he just had to make peace with that, and allow you back into his thoughts bit by bit so that he wouldn’t die a resentful old man (as he put it).

It was a year ago, right around the time that Taehyung had announced his relationship to Jungkook. He had played his role as “the best friend who just wanted him to be happy”, but when he sat alone in his room that night, he’d fished out his sketchbook that was flung under the bed and began flipping through it. Countless drawings of you littered the pages, some in your school uniform, some in a sunhat as you helped your mother pull weeds from the yard, even some of you as a kid when you still wore buns to school. He allowed himself to look at these images fondly for the first time, allowing himself to feel connected to a part of himself he had carelessly thrown away.

Now that he was a man, he was able to make peace with the fact that things didn’t work out the way he had hoped they would as a child, and that that was okay. He even tried to draw you again for the first time in years, but the image came out looking like someone unrecognizable, so he had sighed and put the pad away again. Though he didn’t start sketching you again as he used to, he allowed himself to think about you from time to time, and that made all the difference.

He had grown comfortable with the idea of you again, even now as he tried but failed to listen to his friends talking, his mind wandered to you and what you might be doing. He wondered what your life was like now and what you looked like, if you went to college, if you had dated anymore douchebags, if you cut your hair short like you’d always wanted to but never had the bravery to do so. Jungkook sighed, turning back to his plate of food. None of it mattered anymore anyway.

Saturday came all too quickly and Jungkook wasn’t exactly excited about it. He knew Taehyung specifically chose this day to bring his girlfriend around because it was Jungkook’s day off, and it bothered him. He grumbled as he brushed his teeth, wondering why you were so special to have such a welcome wagon. You had been the person to take his best friend away, so to Jungkook, your arrival had been a personal offense. They were supposed to be bachelors in Seoul, but now he was flying solo and it just wasn’t as fun.

As the younger boy joined his friends in the living room on Saturday afternoon, he noticed Taehyung was missing.

“He went to go pick her up.” Jimin read the confused look on Jungkook’s face. The boy nodded, yawning as he plopped himself down on the couch. His dog came bounding in and jumped up on his lap. He patted the dog’s back as he leaned back and closed his eyes, allowing himself to doze off. He had been pretty restless, so he was tired, to say the least.

It wasn’t until his dog had excitedly jumped off of his lap and ran towards the door to greet the newcomers that Jungkook woke up again. The force of the dog using his lap for take-off shook the boy awake, causing him to come-to just as Taehyung and his girlfriend let themselves in. Jungkook yawned again, calling out sternly to his dog when he saw him barking and sniffing his guest excitedly. The dog didn’t listen, choosing instead to lay on his back and relish in the pets and scratches he was being treated with. Jungkook chuckled and stood up, making his way over to them to make sure his overly excited dog wasn’t bothering Tae’s girlfriend.

He watched as you scratched his dog in all the right places before looking up at him with the brightest smile on your face.

“Is he yours? He’s so cute!”

Jungkook froze as he stared into your eyes. His entire body went cold, buzzing with that feeling of nostalgia that became second nature to him. It was you. He hadn’t seen you in years, but it was definitely you, he was sure of it.

It was as if time had stopped when he stared into your eyes. He stopped breathing in that moment, unsure of which thoughts and feelings to process first.

He was immensely shocked, because he had long made his peace that he’d never meet you. He was dumbfounded, because of all places and circumstances for you two to meet, it had to be this way. Lastly, he fought the urge to bust out laughing, because of course fate would have him meeting you now when he had all but given up on any notion of kismet. Of course, you would pop back into his life now.

He drank your appearance in ravenously, willing himself to memorize your features all over again. It was as if staring at an old photograph. He was filled with a sense of awe and fondness at how so much time had passed yet it was as if no time had passed at all. You hadn’t changed in the slightest, he concluded. You still wore your hair exactly as you had in high school, and your eyes were still large and full of wonder, he was happy to find. He thought back to his sketch book and the countless drawings it held of you with your eyes big and round and full of stars in them.

But for all these thoughts and emotions coursing through his veins, he was unable to voice any of them, the feeling of déjà vu shaking him to his core and serving as reassurance that he hadn’t been crazy, he hadn’timagined you.

He stared open mouthed, unable to form the words he had always wanted to say to you, until Tae nudged his side. He looked at his best friend who had shot him a confused look, silently telling him to stop being weird. He had almost forgotten under which circumstances he was meeting you in. Almost.

“Oh, uh, yeah, he’s mine. Thanks.”

You nodded and stood up, coming to Taehyung’s side and grabbing a hold of your boyfriend’s hand. You peered at the five other curious eyes that stared back at you from the living room. Tae led you toward the couches and Jungkook hesitated before following right behind his traitorous dog.

“Everyone, this is Y/N, Y/N, this is Yoongi, Jimin, Jin, Hobi, Namjoon and Jungkook.”

You blushed, bowing at everyone and smiling shyly at Jungkook. You hated being the center of attention, so you wanted to get this introduction out of the way as soon as possible.

“Wow, she’s a foreigner.” Yoongi was the first to speak, eyeing you and Taehyung.

“Oh, did I not mention that?” Tae scratched his cheek in thought. He had mentioned it, but only to Jungkook.

“No, you didn’t. Does she speak Korean?”

“I do,” you spoke up, feeling awkward that they weren’t talking directly to you.

The boys looked at each other in wonderment, already impressed by Taehyung’s girlfriend. But the person who was most intrigued was Jungkook. A thousand questions burned at the tip of his tongue. He was dying to know how you’d gotten here, and how he might fit into that equation, though he desperately beat back that tiny flame of hope inside of himself that somehow you were both still meant to be.

“So, what are we watching?” Hobi opened a bag of chips and dug his hand in, already bored of the introductions. Relief flooded your system as they all switched to a topic that wasn’t about you.

Jungkook shifted his gaze to his feet, realizing he was still staring like a weirdo, so he decided to pop the dvd into his entertainment system while you and Taehyung situation yourselves on the floor. You cuddled into your boyfriend’s side, shyly leaning your head on his shoulder to shield yourself from any curious eyes.

Jungkook made his way towards his spot on the couch now occupied by his dog. He shooed the animal off and plopped back down, keeping his eyes trained on the television.

But try as he did, he couldn’t keep his eyes from wandering towards you. He could barely see you from the way you were sitting next to Taehyung below, but it was enough to know that you were there in the same room as him. His heart began racing as he thought about what this might mean.

You weren’t just a stranger in the street he happened to recognize, you were his best friend’s girlfriend. And apparently you two were serious, according to Taehyung himself. That wasn’t a term his best friend used lightly, so he knew you two were the real deal.

It was only then that his jealousy had begun to set in, though it felt out of place.

Jungkook had given up on you a long time ago, made his peace with the idea that you and he weren’t, in fact, fated somehow. So why was he suddenly green with envy at the thought that Taehyung of all people would be the one you ended up with. He had grown comfortable with the idea that some ordinary guy on the other side of the world whom he knew nothing about would be the guy you ended up with, not his best friend.

Jungkook balled his fists on his thighs. He let out a shaky breath and clenched his jaw, willing his eyes to go back to the movie on screen.

But when the chips made their way to you, he watched as you politely declined to have any. Jungkook began reminiscing to a few years ago when you had gone through a phase of eating a lot less to look a certain way. He pursed his lips, hoping you weren’t doing that kind of thing again.

He watched your hand, specifically the one enveloped inside of Tae’s grip. The blonde rubbed circles into your thumb which cause your shoulders to relax and for you to melt into Taehyung’s side. You had been tense, though Jungkook suspected as much since you’d never quite gotten over your aversion to attention as a child.

Suddenly the boy felt a pair of eyes burning at the side of his face. He turned and caught Hobi’s eyes on him. His housemate furrowed his eyebrows, gesturing over to you behind your back and mouthing the words why are you staring.

Jungkook pursed his lips. He had forgotten about his surroundings yet again. He absolutely wouldn’t be able to explain himself, so he settled for seeming like a creep in his friend’s eyes as he turned his focus back on the television. And he successfully kept his attention off of you, though he couldn’t quite stop his mind from drifting.

He began to wonder what exactly you had been up to for the past couple years that had landed you here, in his living room, watching a movie together.

The last thing he remembered about you was that you had taken a trip here after your shitty high school boyfriend had broken up with you. Had you liked Seoul enough to come back to and live? Had you pursued your interest in historical studies like the little nerd you always were? Clearly you had learned a thing or two since high school in the romance category, since you had said yes to such a great guy like Taehyung. Would you have been less happy if you had ended up with him? Jungkook shut his eyes and forced the intrusive thought out of his mind. There was no you and him, there never was, so there was no reason to waste time imagining it.

Before he knew it, the movie had ended, and he had no idea what is was even about. There were a few explosions, that’s about all he could recall.

As everyone stretched and commented on the movie’s ending, Jungkook stole a few glances in your direction. He instantly noticed how you had hid yourself behind Taehyung a bit, listening attentively but shying away whenever someone looked at you. In an effort to get away from Yoongi’s stare, your eyes landed on Jungkook’s which had already been on you. You blushed and looked down at your feet, feeling socially overwhelmed. Jungkook fought the urge to be protective over you, to get in between you and the curious stares and to ask you if you were okay. But no matter how much of a right he felt to do these things, he knew he couldn’t, so he was happy when Taehyung looked down and finally noticed your blushing face. He looked up at Yoongi and quirked a brow at him.

“You want to take a picture? It’ll last longer!” Yoongi chuckled at Tae’s outburst but nonetheless turned away from them. He challenged anyone else with a stern look who might dare to make you feel uncomfortable. Each of the boys looked away, rubbing the backs of their necks like little boys who had been caught teasing the new girl.

Jungkook cleared his throat, taking this moment to speak to you for the first time.

“So…Y/N… how did you get to be in Korea, if you don’t mind me asking.” The hard line in Taehyung’s lips softened into a smile. He felt glad that at least one of his friends was being polite. Your boyfriend turned towards you, giving you an encouraging smile.

You peered up at Jungkook from between your eyelashes, the blush slowly leaving your face. “Well, I came to Seoul once in high school, and I really liked it. I ended up applying to Yonsei shortly after. I wasn’t expecting to get in, but I did, and I’ve been here ever since.”

Jungkook nodded thoughtfully, slowly piecing together the last couple years of your life he had been absent for.

“So…you’re still in school then?”

“No, actually, I graduated last year. I met Taehyung during my graduation in fact! It’s a funny story.” You smiled up at your boyfriend who was beaming down at you. He hugged you closer to his side, recalling that day vividly.

Someone made a noise of disgust, breaking you two out of your moment. Taehyung launched himself at Jimin while everyone laughed, including you. You giggled quietly as you watched your boyfriend wrestle his friend to the ground. Jungkook was enamored with you, that he couldn’t deny. He had so many more questions, but he knew it’d be weird to give you the third degree right now, so he took the opportunity that everyone’s attention was averted to slip quietly upstairs to his bedroom. He had grown mentally exhausted and he wanted a chance to recoup in the solace of his bedroom.

As he plopped himself on his bed and stared up at the ceiling with his hands behind his head, the same words he had been trying to force out of his head were now running rampant through his mind like a broken record. If I hadn’t given up on us, would I be where Taehyung was at now? Should I have waited for you?

The boy sighed and stood up, crouching down under his bed to fish for his sketch pad then locating the pencil he had chucked onto his nightstand. He got to work right away, sketching a blushing girl, giggling at something a few feet away. He spent extra time on her features, making sure he got them exactly right this time. He paused to look at it periodically, ruminating on what was missing before he added a detail here and there.

Jungkook wasn’t sure how much time had passed before there was a heavy knock at his door. He opened the door only to find Hobi leaning against the doorframe, staring at Jungkook with a weird expression on his face. He let himself into the boy’s room without invitation, something that always annoyed Jungkook to no end.

“Can I help you?” the brunette closed the door and turned to his hyung who had already made himself at home on his bed. His new guest eyed the sketch pad on the bed before turning back to his younger friend.

“What’s up with you?”

“What do you mean?”

“You seem weird, can’t put my finger on it though.” Hobi squinted as he stared at Jungkook, willing for him to cough up any details about Taehyung’s girlfriend that he didn’t know. “What do you have against Y/N?”

The question caught Jungkook off guard, causing him to look around the room and stutter. “I— I don’t know what you’re referring to hyung. She’s a nice girl, why would I have anything against her?”

Hobi continued squinting at Jungkook. He knew him to be a terrible liar, which couldn’t be more obvious in this moment. This only served as more confirmation that something fishy was going on.

“Well, you couldn’t stop staring at her, and the first chance you got, you left. You must know something.” Hobi leaned back on the bed and felt the pad brush up against his fingers. Since Jungkook wasn’t budging, he decided to pick it up and flip through it. Jungkook froze as he watched someone looking at his drawings for the first time ever. Would he know who they all were?

He watched Hobi carefully, noticing how his dull eyes had lit up in recognition. His eyebrows shot up as a slow whistle left his puckered lips. Shit.

“Holy shit—”

“Let me explain.”

“You’re in love with Tae’s girl?!” Hobi turned toward the boy with pure humor rearranging his features. He had caught the bastard red handed.

“No, I’m not!” Jungkook ground his teeth together as he stomped over to his bed and ripped the pad out of his friend’s hands.

“Yes, you are!! You totally are dude. There’s like a million drawings in here of her! When did you have time to do all of these!?” Hobi spoke in between incredulous laughter.

Jungkook sighed impatiently, looking back towards the door in fear that someone might overhear.

“Shut the fuck up! You have no idea what you’re talking about right now.”

“So, what is it then?” Hobi leaned back, eyeing his friend suspiciously. There wasn’t much the younger boy might be able to say that would convince him otherwise, but he gave him the benefit of the doubt, nonetheless.

Jungkook sighed again, dragging his feet as he moved beside Hobi. He sat down heavily, placing the pad on Hobi’s lap reluctantly.

“I always date my drawings.” Jungkook didn’t offer anything more, so Hobi let his curiosity get the best of him and flipped the book open once more. He looked at the bottom left corner of the first page, furrowing his eyebrows while reading the date once, twice, and one more time.

“This is from…years ago…” He turned to another page, and then another, finally realizing that today wasn’t Jungkook’s first encounter with Tae’s girlfriend.

“Bro…this is fucked up.” He chucked the book back on the bed, turning to Jungkook whom was regarding him shamefully. “Does Tae know about this?”

Jungkook shook his head solemnly. “He doesn’t have to know either. I’m staying out of the way, so don’t say anything to him.”

Hobi thought for a moment. He wasn’t used to being Jungkook’s confidante. That role had been taken by Tae from the beginning. He was conflicted, since they were both good friends of his. He didn’t want to be in the middle when this would undoubtedly blow up in Jungkook’s face, but he didn’t want Tae to think him a traitor for staying quiet either. But what would he even be staying quiet about?

“So, what exactly went on between you two? Did you two grow up together or something? She didn’t seem to know you when she first got here.”

Jungkook sighed, realizing he would have to risk sounding crazy in order to get Hobi to understand the unique situation he was in.

“That’s because she doesn’t know who I am. But I’ve always known who she was.”

“What are you some kinda stalker?!”

Jungkook deadpanned at Hobi who pursed his lips, promising not to interrupt anymore.

“It’s…hard for me to say this, so be open minded, if you can. I’ve had these…visions,” Jungkook fearfully peered at his friend who was staring back at him in confusion, “so to speak, since I was a child. They were all about her, and it’s not like I chose this, or anything, they just kind of happen. But it was hard for me to recall her face whenever I wasn’t seeing these…visions…so I started sketching her whenever I could, to remember. I know it sounds weird, but please believe me, I have no reason to lie.”

When Jungkook hadn’t heard anything, he looked over at his friend who was staring down at the floor in contemplation. Hobi was conflicted between believing Jungkook had truly lost his marbles and believing even a sliver of what he was saying. Hobi never believed in anything supernatural of that sort, so it was hard for him to process his words. Still, if there was any possibility that he wasn’t going to go rat Jungkook out to Tae in the next minute, it all depended on whether he believed Jungkook’s innocence. He couldn’t lie and say he wasn’t intrigued, but the thought of Jungkook making all of this up to convince him they weren’t fooling around being Taehyung’s back seemed a bit much.

“So, let me get this straight. You expect me to believe that you have all of these drawings and know intimate things about Taehyung’s girl, not because you two are hooking up in secret, but because you have these weird fortune telling powers? Do you think I’m an idiot or something?”

Jungkook sighed again, “I don’t know what you want me to say. It’s the truth. There’s nothing else to it.”

Hobi thought for a second. He had fully expected his friend to blow up on him and get defensive, and when he didn’t, he was even more inclined to hear him out.

“Okay…if this bullshit is all true, then tell me some things about her that only you would know.”

Jungkook quirked a brow, wondering how that would prove his innocence to Hobi, but nonetheless he complied.

“Well,” Jungkook flipped through all of his memories of your life in his mind, recalling a ton he could choose from, “she auditioned for the cheerleading squad in her middle school, but she got denied because she couldn’t even do a cartwheel. Oh, and she used to have a secret pet. She found this dying kitten on her way home from school one day and she wanted to take it home, but she knew her parents wouldn’t be okay with that, so she snuck it in and kept it in her room. She fed it and bathed it, but it died a week later, and she was so broken up about it for a long time.” Jungkook thought some more, “When she turned 14, her parents finally let her go to the movies with her friends without parental supervision. She decided to stuff her bra with toilet paper before going, but it fell out during the movie,” Jungkook began sniggering, remembering the mortification you felt in that moment, “so she quietly pulled it all out and left it under her chair. OH and she skipped school one time to get a belly button ring that ended up getting infected.”

“OKAY, that’s enough! Jeez.” Hobi stood up from the bed exasperatedly. There was no denying Jungkook knew some pretty weird details about you, but there was only one way to find out if they were real or not. “Come on, dinner’s ready.”

Jungkook followed Hobi back downstairs where everyone awaited at the dinner table. He sat across from the red head, trying his best not to look in your direction even when he could feel your eyes on him. He just wanted to get through this meal as quickly as possible so he could retreat back into his room. It was funny how back then he wanted nothing more than to spend time with you, and now after all this time he wanted nothing more than for you to disappear through the same door you had come from.

“So, Y/N,” Hobi cleared his throat while everyone looked up at him. You looked down the table towards him, startled to hear him calling you so loudly. Jungkook’s head snapped up in his direction, a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach forming quickly, “I feel like I hardly know you. You ever had any pets?”

Everyone turned toward you as you thought for a second. Your voice was small, barely heard above the television that played in the background.

“Umm, no not really. I wasn’t allowed to have any growing up.”

Hobi shot Jungkook a look as the younger boy grimaced, realizing what he was trying to do.

“Okay…ever gotten denied from a sports team?”

The boys made faces at Hobi, wondering why his questions were so oddly specific. Tae shot him a warning glance, turning back to you as you mulled over his question.

“Does cheerleading count?”

Jungkook’s eyebrows shot up, and he turned towards Hobi who had mirrored the same expression.

Taehyung smiled down at you, “Babe, I didn’t know you wanted to be a cheerleader at some point.”

You smiled back at him bashfully, “It was in middle school actually, but I couldn’t do any acrobatics to save my life.” You giggled at memory. What was once painfully humiliating was now a fond memory to you, and it had affected Jungkook in the same way. When he experienced things along with you, he felt them too as if they were happening to him. But your memories aged within him just like his own, he was happy to find.

“Hm. Interesting. Well, as you can see here, we’re big fans of tattoos and piercings. Got any of your own?”

“What the fuck kind of question is that?!” Taehyung growled at the loud mouth redhead sitting a few feet from him. You clutched at your boyfriends’ sleeve, letting him know you didn’t find an issue with his curiosity.

“Well, not really no. I had a belly button piercing once but I took it out. It was way too much work.”

Taehyung turned to you, speaking in a low tone. “Are you serious? Wait that’s actually really hot. Why didn’t you tell me?”

You giggled, getting embarrassed, “I never really told anyone about that actually. It was my way of being a rebel in high school.” Taehyung chuckled at your confession, pulling on your cheek to show you how adorable he thought you were.

Hobi focused on his meal during the remainder of the dinner, a look of torment shone on his face that no one bothered to question him about. Jungkook felt a twinge of guilt, knowing he had put Hobi in a weird predicament by sharing something so inexplicable with him. But what was he supposed to do, risk making both you and he look like adulterers in a single bound?

Jungkook counted the seconds until you would leave, but goddammit, the time just never came. He was finding less and less excuses to slip away and not get to know Tae’s girlfriend, and at the end of the night when everyone was tired and heading to bed, Taehyung had excused you both and gone straight into his bedroom for the night.

Jungkook wasn’t sure why he expected otherwise, knowing how Taehyung operated with women. How could he have expected you two to be celibate? The boy begrudgingly went upstairs and into his bedroom, flinging himself onto his bed. He wasn’t tired in the slightest since he was used to being at work at this time.

He had deliberately not made any plans tonight for the purpose of meeting you, which he was now deeply regretting as he recalled how thin the wall that his bedroom shared with Tae’s was.

Jungkook quickly hopped up and fetched his guitar from its stand, deciding he’d practice his music all night if he had to, though realistically, he knew Tae’s longest time was about 40 minutes, so that wouldn’t be necessary at all.

Jungkook strummed on his strings a few times before remembering to fetch his song book in case he had any ideas for lyrics.

During the brief silence as he walked over to his desk, he heard your distinct giggle from the other side of the wall. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, exhaling through flared nostrils before returning to his guitar.

By the time the sun was rising, he had written and rehearsed an entire song. Of course, it was about you. He just couldn’t get you out of his stupid head no matter what he did. You’d ruined him all over again and you’d only been back in his life for less than a day. He decided he’d hate you from now on as he threw on his hoodie to step outside for a morning cigarette.

He’d hate your face, he’d hate your blush, he’d hate your stupid giggle, and he’d hate your nerdy tendencies. There was nothing about you that he’d allow himself to love or even like. That was the only way he was going to make it out of this situation in one piece.

But as he stepped out into the patio and made eye contact with you, all of those declarations melted away. He loved all of those things about you, and he always would, so he tried even harder to push back against the way his inner self wanted nothing more than to hold you in his arms and tell you all the things about him that you’d missed over the past 24 years.

You had snuck out of Tae’s bed for a morning cigarette as well, but you realized you hadn’t brought a lighter with you, so you settled for taking in some cool fresh air. When Jungkook came out to join you, you offered him a warm smile, remembering how nice he had been to you the night before, so it was a shock to see the way his eyes and his jaw hardened under your gaze. He seemed to have grown an aversion to you, or were you just unaware at how generally disliked you were around here?

Jungkook let the door close behind him with a bang as he took his cigarette off of his ear and popped it into his mouth. He fished the lighter from his pants and began trying to light it as you popped your own cigarette into your mouth.

You watched as he lit his cigarette and inhaled greedily before exhaling tiredly into the cool morning air.

“Umm,” You looked up at the boy who was busy pretending you weren’t there. He stiffened at the sound of your voice before hesitantly looking over to you. His eyes widened at the sight of the cigarette in your mouth. “Can I borrow your lighter?”

Jungkook furrowed his brow, yanking the cigarette from in between your lips quickly.

“Y/N what are you doing!? You don’t smoke!”

You were shocked at the way he felt comfortable enough to do such a thing, even speaking to you as if he knew you. You stared at each other, the moment tense with many things unsaid. Suddenly, he realized his mistake, looking away from you to compose himself. Of course, you didn’t know how well he knew you. You’d always found these things disgusting. What changed?

Jungkook decided it would be best to just play this whole thing off as a joke, but when he extended the cigarette back out to you, he felt conflicted with himself. As much of hypocrite that he was being in this moment, he didn’t want to encourage your newfound habit, so he chucked the cigarette into the grass just before you could wrap your fingers around it.

You stared open mouthed as you watched the stick land on the dirt. There was no way you wanted to put your mouth on it now. Your eyes watered, looking back up at the boy who was being inexplicably mean to you. Between the odd stares and the whispering last night, and now this, you had just about had enough.

“What the hell did I do to you!? To any of you?! You’re all so…” You struggled to find the words to say, then realized it probably wasn’t smart to blow up on Tae’s best friend right after meeting him. So you groaned and turned away, marching back upstairs to your boyfriend’s room before you embarrassed yourself by crying from being overwhelmed in front of Jungkook.

Jungkook sighed once he heard the door to Tae’s room close. He continued sucking on the cigarette, mentally scolding himself for not handling the situation better. Part of him was thundering, angry that he hadn’t done everything he could to keep you there with him as long as he could. He knew he couldn’t listen to that part of himself though, not if he didn’t want to cross any lines he couldn’t come back from.

Jungkook stomped the flame out of his cigarette before going back upstairs and finally submitting to his exhaustion. But just as he nodded off to sleep, he realized he was still awake. Or was he?

He was looking up at the ceiling for a while, until he realized it wasn’t his ceiling, it was Tae’s ceiling, and you were the one looking at it.

He felt a thrill running through him. He hadn’t dreamed of you in years, and it still felt as natural to him as if he’d never stopped.

You were lying next to Tae as he slept, trying to calm yourself down so that you could go back to sleep peacefully. You were fuming, playing the events of this morning over and over in your head. It felt surreal for Jungkook to see himself as a guest star in his dreams of you. For so long, the dreams felt like something so detached from himself, as abstract as the very concept itself.

Although you were seeing him in a negative light, he was still beside himself that for the first time, he wasn’t the only one thinking of you. You were finally thinking of him too.

It was better this way, for you to hate him instead of feel for him the complicated feelings he felt for you. He watched as you drifted off to sleep, and so his dream went dark for the remainder of his sleep, not that he minded anyway.

Three loud and decided consecutive knocks interrupted the quietness of Jungkook’s bedroom. It was late in the evening and Jungkook was busy styling his hair before heading off to work. Normally he’d be annoyed by the intrusion, but he recognized those knocks by now. Tae’s knuckles hitting solid wood always sounded like bullets.

Jungkook sauntered over to the door and opened it before heading back to the mirror. He didn’t bother asking his best friend what was up or even making eye contact with him, he knew if Tae ever had something to say he’d just say it.

“Getting ready for work?” Jungkook grunted in response, putting his comb down and picking up his hair spray. “Alright, well I won’t hold you up then. I just wanted to ask you personally about what happened the other day. Y/N said you were really mean to her…”

Taehyung observed his friend closely for a response. He had been surprised to hear you two hadn’t actually gotten along since he was under the impression that you two had hit it off quite well. Surely it was a misunderstanding?

Jungkook struggled to conceal his smirk. Nerd’s still a tattle tale I see.

“Oh, really? I didn’t think I was being mean at all.” Jungkook looked over at Taehyung innocently.

The older boy sighed in frustration. “Okay well, whatever the case, can you please just fix it?”

Jungkook quirked a brow. “Why do you care so much?”

“Please, dude! C’mon do this for me! I really need her to be comfortable coming over! She doesn’t like fucking at her place with all her roommates around and I really need to get laid.”

Jungkook snorted and turned back to the mirror. He didn’t see how that was his problem in the slightest. In fact, he should be the last person on this earth to worry about it.

“Jungkook c’mon!”

The younger boy audibly groaned, quickly becoming tired of this conversation.

“What do you want me to do if she doesn’t like me!?”

“I don’t know man, show her your nice side? Say something nice to her? Spend a little time together? Fuck if I know what girls need in this situation…” Jungkook grimaced. He didn’t like the sound of having to spend quality time with you one bit. “C’mon dude, you used to be my trusty wingman. Do this for me!”

Jungkook squeezed his eyes shut, trying to ignore the buzzing in his veins.

“Okay, fine! Fuck!”

Taehyung’s face lit up like a Christmas tree. He knew he could count on his best friend to get him laid.

“Alright, I’m outta here. Thanks dude, seriously!”

Jungkook grunted his response as Tae flew down the stairs and out of sight. He let out a long sigh as he collected his belongings. He already knew this would be a long night now that he was already thinking about you. Normally he’d stave off any thoughts that had to do with you as long as possible. Taehyung that dickhead.

Jungkook’s train ride to work was quick as usual. The cars were always stuffed with people at the hour that he’d always go in, but luckily, he didn’t have to put up with it for too long. He was already quite used to his work routine by now.

He’d start by letting himself in through the club’s side door. He’d greet the owner who was always inside doing paperwork before the rest got in. The guys from security were always there too, helping set up the floor.

When Jungkook first started working there, he always kept his head down and did his job to the best of his ability. Nothing much had changed throughout the years, except that now he knew people’s names and had even made a friend or two.

Once he’d make his way to the bar, Jungkook liked to start off by making sure all of the glasses and shakers were cleaned and properly stocked. Then he’d fill his ice and get the juices, sodas and fruits he needed to make his drinks. By then, the club would be opening and quickly filling. His barback would also show up to help him out. He was a good kid, reminded Jungkook of himself a lot when he was his age. Jungkook never bothered asking him how he found himself in this city working at this club, but he had a feeling it was for a similar reasons as Jungkook’s.

On the weekends though, his coworker Lisa would show up a few hours into his shift to help him serve the massive volume of people in need of inebriation. He didn’t mind her company so much these days, now that she’d finally gotten the point that he didn’t want to sleep with her.

On this day, however, he was most grateful to see her bouncing bob making its way to him behind the bar. It was only a Friday, but it must’ve been the start to some kind of holiday weekend with the way people were hoarding the bar like an army of zombies.

“Hey Kookie!” Lisa ruffled the boy’s curls as she passed him by from behind.

“How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?” Jungkook filled four gin and tonics while grumbling at his coworker.

“Oh, I’m sorry Kookie. What would you prefer?” The girl purred innocently, loving the way it was so easy to fluster this man twice her size.

“Just Jungkook.” He stated monotonously as he pushed out the four drinks then got a couple beers from the minifridge under the counter.

“Hmm…nah. Too long!” She giggled at her own mischievousness while Jungkook could only groan. Unfortunately, the barback happened to come up with the ice refill they needed in that moment and was now on the receiving end of Jungkook’s pent up frustration.

“I asked for this shit ages ago, where have you been?!”

The boy flinched at the tone in Jungkook’s voice. He only stared wide-eyed, unable to defend himself. He had lost track of time after checking his phone once he got to the ice machine.

Lisa took the bucket from the boy and gave him an apologetic smile. He scurried off to the back to get the fruit Jungkook had also asked him for ages ago.

“Be easier on him or else he’ll quit. We can’t operate without a barback.”

Lisa took care of the next few drinks while Jungkook wiped the wet counter. The customers were getting drunker by the hour and consequently, sloppier.

“We can’t operate with a shitty barback either. He’s gotta learn. This is how I learned.”

Lisa rolled her eyes, knowing Jungkook meant well. He just didn’t understand what a brute he could be sometimes. She wished it hadn’t turned her on as much as it did.

The next hour went by as usual. Lisa and Jungkook had already developed a smooth flow of working together, finishing drinks for each other, picking up the slack whenever one of them was flirting for a good tip, even picking up the slack whenever one of them got a little too tipsy after taking shots with insistent customers.

Tonight, however, was different. Jungkook was distracted. He couldn’t stop looking at you and therefore was constantly messing up.

Your coworkers decided to drag you to a hot nightclub in Hongdae tonight to celebrate one of them finally getting engaged. Nightclubs weren’t exactly your scene, but you didn’t want to spoil the infectious mood or offend them by declining to go. It had taken a long time for them to warm up to you as a foreigner, so you didn’t want to do anything that might put them off. It’s not that you were against the drinking and the dancing and the partying per se, you loved having a good time. But sometimes you’d get in your own head and worry about coming off as awkward. You also weren’t a good dancer.

Nonetheless, you found yourself at the crowded venue with the girls close to midnight, swaying to the music and sucking on a sweet vodka cranberry.

Jungkook had spotted you as soon as you came in. He’d felt a tingling sensation that wouldn’t leave him, until he served a customer that was facing the door. His eyes snapped to your figure receding into the crowd that surrounded the bar. With his eyes trained on you like a hawk, he quickly gathered you were there with a group of women whom had reserved a table last minute. It was hard for him to keep track of you unless he went out of his way to peer over the heads crowding the bar, so he tried not to care at all, which resulted in him distractedly making drinks wrong and ultimately knocking over a glass.

Lisa casted worried glances at her coworker who was normally such an expert. When the glass smashed against the floor, she considered it to be the last straw. Jungkook rolled up his sleeves, exposing the tattoos that decorated both of his arms before squatting down to pick up the mess he had made. She placed a hand firmly on his shoulder, causing him to flinch as he looked up at her.

“Go take 5. I’ll clean up. I don’t know what’s wrong with you today but go get yourself together.”

Jungkook pursed his lips and nodded before heading out of the club through the back. He left the door ajar so as not to lock himself out and as soon as the cool air hit his hot cheeks, he visibly relaxed. He hated being a liability at work. The fact that you were the reason that he was being so clumsy and sloppy was doubly annoying.

Jungkook fished for his lighter and his pack of cigarettes in his pants. He found the former but not the latter, realizing he forgot them at home on his nightstand, another result of his head being so occupied. He sighed in frustration, leaning against the brick wall and tugging at his roots with his fingers. What is she even doing here of all places? Did Tae put her up to this? This wasn’t what he meant when he agreed to spending time with you.

Suddenly a sharp cry pierced his muddled thoughts. His head snapped towards the end of the alley where a woman and a man were huddled together. He squinted his eyes and listened closely, realizing that the situation looked hostile.

The drunken man’s hand was gripping the woman’s arm roughly and tugging her towards him while she struggled to get out of his embrace.

“I SAID NO!” With one final tug, the girl ripped her arm out of the man’s grasp, only for him to lunge at her phone that was in her other hand.

Jungkook hadn’t realized when his feet started moving. All he knew was that the voice belonged to you and that you were in trouble.

His hand pushed the man roughly, causing the older guy to stumble backwards. He had successfully gotten your phone out of your hand, so Jungkook reached for it and snatched it back. The man looked at him furiously.

“Who the hell are you!? Mind your own business man!”

“Get the fuck out of here before I get security.” Jungkook’s voice was low and calm, more of a threat than screaming would ever prove. The man took one look at you and Jungkook before sucking his teeth and walking off.

Jungkook watched him for a while until he disappeared into another bar up the block then turned to you.

You were shaking, hiding behind Jungkook a bit.

He instantly took pity on you, handing you your phone back and subtly turning the corners of his mouth upward.

“You okay?”

You looked up at him and nodded weakly, taking your phone back sullenly.

“…Yeah. I just came out here to call Tae and this creep followed me! God, I don’t know what would’ve happened if you weren’t here…what are you doing here, by the way?”

“I work here. Bartender.”

A look of recognition flashed across your eyes before you smiled down at your feet. “Ah, the bartender.”

Jungkook quirked a brow, curious about the sudden inflection in your voice. When you saw his eyes regarding you questioningly, you chuckled and blushed.

“No, it’s just that, my friend got us all drinks and she wouldn’t stop talking about the hot bartender.”

Jungkook’s eyebrows shot up and he couldn’t help chuckling himself. He rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment, looking at anywhere else that wasn’t you.

“Ah…”

Suddenly the smell of smoke wafted in front of Jungkook. He noticed you had lit a cigarette while he wasn’t paying attention.

“You’re not going to rip this one out of my mouth, are you?” You challenged him with a playful look, causing the boy to chuckle again.

“Nah I’m not.” A moment passed as he deliberated on what to do. You clearly had a phone call to make, and his five minutes were just about up. He should go. He should definitely go. “Hey, can I bum one off of you? I left my pack at home.”

“Oh this is actually my last one, but we can share!” You extended the white stick out to him. He hesitated before plucking it from your fingers and taking a long drag.

You both took turns passing it back and forth in silence. Although this moment was innocent, Jungkook knew he was already beginning to overstep the boundaries he had long placed in between you two. His mind screamed for him to go back to work, but his feet just didn’t move.

“So, you told on me to Tae huh?” Jungkook exhaled a clowd of smoke then handed you the cigarette with a cocky smile.

You couldn’t help but smile back, yanking the already shortened stick from his hand.

“I hold no loyalties to you.” You stuck your tongue out at him playfully. You were glad there wasn’t any animosity between you two as you had initially thought. Tae held his friendship to Jungkook near and dear to him, so it wore on you to be on bad terms with someone whom he loved that much.

Jungkook shook his head, refusing to take the cigarette when you attempted to pass it to him. “So why are youhere?”

“Just here with my coworkers. Do I look that out of place?”

Jungkook shook his head quickly, not meaning to offend you.

“No! You look good here! I mean— You…” You giggled at his sputtering, not realizing someone like Jungkook could ever get nervous. He struck you as such a cool guy, maybe a bit of a fuck boy. Suddenly you saw someone peaking their head out of the backdoor and looking in your direction.

“You on break?” You gestured toward your observer.

Jungkook followed your gaze. Lisa must’ve sent the barback for him. He instantly felt a twinge of guilt, leaving her to fend for herself on such a busy night.

“No, actually. I should probably get back.” You nodded and dropped the dead cigarette to the pavement, stomping on it with your heel. As he started walking away, he couldn’t help himself from turning around to look at you one more time. You met his gaze questioningly, so he searched for something cool to say. “Try not to get into any more trouble, I won’t be here to protect you.”

You smiled and rolled your eyes. “No promises.”

“So, uh…guess I’ll see you around.” Jungkook began walking off again before stopping in his tracks at the sound of your voice.

“Well, actually, you’ll see me at home! I was going to go see Tae tonight since your place is close by. Should we…take the train together?”

Jungkook was caught off guard. He hadn’t expected to be spending any more alone time with you. “Well, I close actually…”

“That’s okay! I doubt my friends will let me leave any earlier anyway. Besides Tae hates it when I take public transport alone late at night. Case in point” You gestured to the bar up the block and beamed at him. His heart stuttered a bit.

“Uh…Okay, yeah… sure. Just come see me at the bar if your friends leave.” Jungkook turned swiftly and disappeared back into the club, rushing to join Lisa behind the counter. He couldn’t wipe the goofy smirk from his face, even when Lisa shot him a dirty look for being gone so long. He simply whistled as he got back into the groove of serving the hordes of people throwing their money at them. Lisa wanted to be annoyed with him, but she couldn’t, seeing how much of a good mood he was suddenly in.

Towards the end of the night when a lot of the crowd had thinned out, she turned towards the cheerful boy who was wiping down the counter while whistling.

“Did you get laid out back or something? What’s gotten into you?”

Jungkook shot her a crooked smile, “Nah, just, in a good mood for no reason.”

Lisa pursed her lips in disbelief. From the corner of her eye, she could see a woman making their way to the bar. When she looked over and prepared herself to take her order, she saw how her eyes were trained on Jungkook.

You perched yourself on the barstool directly in front of Jungkook. The last of your coworkers had caught a cab home, leaving you the last one standing. You were pretty tipsy, but nowhere near as drunk as the rest of them had been.

Jungkook’s eyes met yours and he smiled goofily again. “Hey. Friend’s leave?”

“Yep! I’m all yours.”

Jungkook’s neck began heating up at your choice of words, so he decided to busy himself by starting on some of the closing duties.

Lisa looked between you two in curiosity. It was a rare night when Jungkook wasn’t leaving with a girl on his arm by the end of the night, but it was the first time she’d ever seen someone affect him so obviously. She crossed her arms, smiling to herself. Flustered Jungkook was a rare sight to behold.

“Do you two know each other?”

You looked over at the female bartender who was leaning across the counter staring at you.

“Uh, yeah kinda. I’m dating his best friend.”

Lisa’s eyebrows shot up and a slow smile crept across her face. Her eyes landed on Jungkook who was expertly avoiding her accusatory gaze. “Is that so…”

“You good to close up on your own?” Jungkook turned to Lisa who wasn’t too happy about him leaving early, even if she had gotten in after he did. But nonetheless the place was nearly dead, she had no excuse to keep him longer.

“I guess…” The girl pouted as he turned to you and gestured toward the door. You hopped off the stool and turned to Lisa.

“It was nice to meet you…” You waited for her to tell you her name, but she simply turned away and busied herself with cleaning something that was already clean.

Jungkook rolled his eyes at his coworker’s childish behavior as he led you out of the club.

It had gotten much colder than it was before. Jungkook had known it would, since he’s used to leaving work at 4 in the morning. You on the other hand, had not brought a jacket and were shivering already before you two had cleared the first block on the way to the train station.

Jungkook watched you rub the goosebumps on your arms before he shrugged out of his leather jacket and draped it around your shoulders. You were shocked, not expecting him to do such a gentlemanly thing. Jeon Jungkook really knew how to surprise you.

You smiled and stuck your arms through, appreciating how much it was already warming you.

“Her name’s Lisa, by the way.” Jungkook stared straight ahead. You nodded, realizing he noticed the way she ignored you as well.

“Lisa huh…I think she likes you.” You laced your fingers behind your back and looked up at Jungkook teasingly. The boy chuckled as you both descended the stairs into the subway.

“You think so?” He knew you were right; he just hadn’t expected you to catch onto it so quickly.

“Yep! You should ask her out, she’s pretty.”

Jungkook held the door open for you. He smiled and shook his head. “Thanks, but I’m good.”

You hummed, trying to figure out his deal. “Is she not your type?”

“It’s not really that…” Jungkook looked up at the ceiling, not wanting to talk about other women with you.

“Then…”

“I just don’t want to cross that line. She’s my coworker.”

You nodded, able to respect his reasoning. “If you ever do though, we can double date!”

“…I’ll pass.” You couldn’t help but chuckle. He was definitely rough around the edges.

Jungkook checked the schedule for the next train. It was late at night, so the wait was 30 minutes instead of the usual 5-7.

You both waited near the edge of the tracks in silence. You two didn’t know each other that well, or so you thought, so you struggled to find something to talk about. You had only just met him, and so far, the only things you knew about him were that he liked cigarettes, wearing black, that he worked as a bartender and that he played guitar and that he sang. Oh, and that he was quite the womanizer. That last known fact was curtesy of Tae and all of the stories he told you about his fuck boy crusade with his best friend.

Jungkook searched for something to say. In reality, there were a million things he could say to you, but most of them would probably have you accusing him of being some kind of stalker.

“You have a really nice voice by the way.” Your question had caught Jungkook off guard again. He looked at you with his eyebrows furrowed, wondering how the hell you knew he liked to sing. “I heard you that night. You were up late playing your guitar.”

“Ah…sorry if I kept you up…”

“No, it’s fine! It was nice…” After another short pause, you decided to ask something that had always made you curious, “So, how did you and Tae meet?”

“He didn’t tell you?”

“Sort of, he just said it was at a party, but I have a feeling there’re more to the story.”

Jungkook recalled that night almost 5 years ago. The truth was that they were both trying to fuck the same girl. They ended up getting competitive with each other, almost fought after a mix up, but the girl ended up leaving with a different guy and made them both feel like dumbasses, so they ended up going to a bar together to drown their sorrows. Although it was the start of a beautiful friendship, he could tell why Tae redacted some details.

“There’s not much to say really. We went to the same party and hit it off.”

You quirked your brow at him, feeling as if he was playing his part as his friend. Nonetheless you accepted the boring story. More silence followed until Jungkook finally thought of something to say.

“So, you and Tae met at school, right?”

“Yep. Graduation.”

“Oh, that’s right, you told me that.”

Man, this is so awkward. Jungkook ran his fingers through his hair while you began walking away. It was clear you had grown bored with the conversation, so you began treating the edge of the platform as a balance beam, holding your arms away from your body for balance.

Jungkook watched you for a bit, becoming worried when he saw the way you swayed a little too much. He caught your arm before you could truly lose your balance, giving you a stern look.

“Jeez, you sure have little regard for your own life.”

You looked up at him sheepishly, “Sorry, I swear I’m not that drunk, it’s just these heels are a bit too big.”

“Why are you even wearing those things? You hate heels.”

You slipped your arm out of his grasp, looking at him in confusion. How the hell does he know that? Did Tae…No, it seems too weird to bring up in conversation.

Shitshitshit. Jungkook had fucked up again. He knew this would happen. He felt entirely too comfortable around you despite being supposed strangers. What could he say to fix this?

Thankfully your tense eye contact was cut off by the train’s horn quickly approaching your platform. It had arrived much earlier than Jungkook expected, and for the first time in years, he thanked the universe for looking out.

You both climbed into the train. It was a lot less crowded than usual, so you both found seats near a window. Of course, you two were no longer talking with the weirdness that now clung to the atmosphere between you two. Jungkook sat with his legs spread eyes wide facing forward and his fingers drumming on his knee as he tried find the right words to say to you.

You sat next to him in deep thought, trying to recall if you had ever even told Tae about your aversion to heels. The whole thing was bizarre, but you weren’t sure you wanted to overthink such an innocent comment. Still, it was a weird assumption for him to make about a girl he didn’t know…

A few minutes into the ride, you had dozed off mid thought. The night had worn on you more than you had thought, causing you to slump against Jungkook’s shoulder. The boy stiffened when he felt your warmth invading his personal space. The goose bumps on his arm subsided as he melted into you involuntarily.

No matter how much he fought you mentally, it was as if his body had a mind of its own, unwilling to accept that you weren’t, in fact, the one for him.

He chewed on his bottom lip absentmindedly. He was tired too, wanting nothing more than to lean his head on you and close his eyes for a minute, just to see what it might feel like to be close to you the way he had wanted to be for so long.

He tried not to move too quickly so as not to wake you when he looked down at you. Your hair was spilling all over the left side of his body and it smelled wonderful. He couldn’t quite place the scent…something fruity?

If life was truly fair, he would’ve been able to drape his arm around you and warm you even further as you snuggled against his side. He would’ve taken you home, not because you were there for another man, but because you wanted to come home with him. He would’ve carried you upstairs and thrown you onto his bed before taking out the years of pent up emotions he had for you out on your body. He would’ve—

Jungkook shook his head in an attempt to clear it, but consequently

woke you up in the process.

You took a deep breath as you opened your eyes and stretched out. You had only fallen asleep for a few minutes, yet it felt like you were knocked out cold. And as soon as you realized you had been drooling on Jungkook, your entire face grew beet red. You sat up straight and looked away, feeling the heat radiating from your face. You couldn’t believe you had been so careless.

“C’mon, it’s our stop.”

Jungkook extended his hand out to you to help you up from the seat in your disoriented state. You hesitated before taking it, and when you did, he quickly pulled you into him and placed an arm around you, looking behind you two multiple times as you made it out of the subterranean area.

“Sorry, those guys back there were being total creeps.” Jungkook let you go and took a few steps away from you once you two made it out into the fresh air again.

You were disoriented to say the least, wondering why your heart had stuttered at being so close to another man. Close to Jungkook, no less. It bothered you to say the least.

For a few minutes, all that could be heard was the clicking of your heels against the pavement as you both walked towards his house. It was only a few blocks from the train stop, so you both didn’t have to deal with the awkward silence for much longer.

As the house came into view, you both spotted Hobi sitting on the steps of the front porch. As soon as Jungkook saw him he stiffened, knowing fully well how something like this might seem now that Hobi was in the loop.

“Hey! Hobi, right?” You walked halfway up the stairs as the redhead smiled weakly at you.

“Yeah. Hey Y/N.” His eyes shifted in between you two suspiciously.

“Is Tae home?”

“Should be.”

You nodded, not knowing what to do with such short responses. You turned toward Jungkook who was at the bottom of the stairs. “Well, thanks for everything tonight. Ah, here you go.” You shrugged out of his jacket and handed it to him. He took it and balled it up under his arm. “Well…goodnight I guess.” You looked in between the boys, feeling some weird tension and unable to help feeling like it was about you.

They both bid you a goodnight in unison and watched you go inside and close the door behind you. Hobi’s accusatory glare landed back on Jungkook, but the boy didn’t have any energy to argue, so he began jogging up the steps. As soon as he got to the top, Hobi caught his wrist.

“Can I talk to you?”

Jungkook licked his lips and sighed, taking a seat next to the older boy. “It’s not what it looks like.”

“When is it ever not what it looks like?” He lowered his voice, speaking more urgently, “Seriously Jungkook, if what you told me is true, you gotta stay away from her man. You’re playing with fire!”

“I’m really trying to hyung. I want to stay away from her but Tae insisted I be nice to her. I don’t know what the fuck to do.”

“Well, be nice from far away!” Hobi snapped at Jungkook in a hushed tone, knowing how easily things could be heard in the quiet of the early hours.

Jungkook couldn’t help but laugh unironically. He couldn’t believe his damn luck. Hobi stood up and stretched out, deciding to go back to bed.

“You coming?”

“Nah, I’m going to stay out here for a while.” Jungkook could only imagine what might be going on in the room right next to his. In any case, he didn’t want to hear a single thing.

Hobi left the boy in silence.

In the next few months that followed the night of clubbing with your friends, something strange started to occur. While Jungkook was gradually starting to have an easier time being around you, quite the opposite was the case for you.

You seemed to have started developing a sort of crush on Jeon Jungkook.

You knew it was harmless. People in committed relationships could have crushes that meant nothing. Still, you waited impatiently for your brain to get over it. But the pesky thing persevered, only seeming to find more reasons to like him every time you went over to hang out.

You found yourself overthinking the looks he threw your way, or the things he said to you in passing, even feeling nervous whenever you two were alone for a while. It was odd, because Jungkook wasn’t your type, yet here you were, finding yourself attracted to him.

You’d never admit this to anyone, since they would automatically think you were losing feelings for Tae, which just wasn’t true. You absolutely adored Tae and were thankful every day that you met him. You couldn’t imagine your life without him now and even looked forward to the day he decided to take your relationship a step further.

But now there were two men occupying your thoughts throughout the day, and it was disorienting, to say the least.

You couldn’t quite put your finger on this thing you had with Jungkook, however. You two seemed to get along so naturally. He was somehow able to finish your sentences without you two knowing each other for long. He was also unnaturally protective over you, but you didn’t mind at all.

And as Christmas approached, you found yourself wanting to text Jungkook to help you shop for Taehyung’s present. You figured if there was anyone in this world that might know Tae better than you did, it was Jungkook. Still, you weren’t sure it was a good idea, so you held off on it until a week before the holiday when you ultimately gave up and sent him a simple “You busy this weekend?” text.

Jungkook hadn’t read it until he awoke for work several hours later, groggily fisting his eyes as he double then triple checked the sender of this ominous text.

You never texted him. And he didn’t remember ever giving you his number.

A slow smile crept across his face. He fell back onto his bed holding his phone up above his face. He wished he hadn’t felt so giddy receiving a text from you, but no one was around to see his reaction, so he allowed himself to be happy briefly in the confines of his bedroom.

He wrote out several texts to you before ultimately deleting them, feeling like they sounded way too eager. He ended up going with a simple “I’m off on Sunday, whatsup?”

You received the message while you were helping yourself to some cup noodles in Tae’s room. You came over to see him, but he still wasn’t home yet, so you decided to wait for him in his room along with the dog that had quickly warmed up to you. You figured Jungkook was awake now since he texted you back, so you quickly made your way next door.

Three soft knocks on Jungkook’s door had him dropping his phone on his face. He winced and plucked the device off, rubbing his forehead as he made his way to the door. The last person he expected to be on the other side was you, clearly shown in the way he froze at the entrance.

Your eyes bulged when you realized Jungkook was wearing a pair of boxer briefs and nothing more. You tried to look away, but you had already seen him head to toe, causing you to blush immensely. He watched your flustered state for a moment before realizing he was almost naked in front of you.

“Shit, sorry.” He walked back into his room and threw on a pair of sweats that were flung on the floor. He wasn’t used to being modest in his own house, there were never girls here unless they had come to get laid by one of them.

“Oh, it’s okay.” You still couldn’t look him in the eye, so you spoke from the hallway. “I just got your text.”

“Oh, yeah whatsup?” Jungkook sat at the edge of his bed, wondering why you refused to come in.

“Well, it’s Christmas in a few days and I still haven’t gotten Tae a present. I was hoping you would come to the mall with me and help me pick something out for him.” Your voice was hopeful, which made it hard for Jungkook to turn you down.

It would be the first time you two hung out alone together since that night you came to the club. He had been doing a lot better these days being around you, making sure not to say anything weird and making sure you two weren’t alone for too long. Sometimes you’d pass each other in the hallway on the way to the bathroom, and he’d be thrown off seeing you in nothing but an oversized t-shirt. But he’d be able to pull himself together, simply because he had to. He was like a robot these days, following a careful script in his head and making sure he was never too close to you. It was causing a strain on him if he was being honest, but his friendship with Tae was worth all of it and more. So he’d endure, so long as you and Tae were happy together.

But hanging out with you alone was risky. He didn’t have a full proof plan on how to survive being alone with you for an extended period of time. His initial reaction was to say no, despite a part of himself desperately wanting to say yes. But as he looked at you from out in the hall, he knew he was doomed. He just couldn’t reject you; it wasn’t in him.

“And you save this for last minute?! The mall’s going to so crowded.”

You pouted and looked down at your feet, expecting to be scolded for being such a procrastinator. Jungkook smiled at your petulant expression. “Fine. But the mall closes early on Sundays so we should go in the afternoon.”

You beamed at him, not expecting him to give in so easily. Jungkook’s heart skipped a beat seeing how happy it made you for him to agree to go.

“Okay, meet me there at 1. I’ll let you get ready for work now.” You skipped down the hall and back into Tae’s room, leaving Jungkook to get ready in an unnaturally happy mood. He wasn’t used to having a pep in his step as he got ready to work a shift, but then again, he wasn’t used to having you in his life.

Sunday came painfully slowly, which made sense because Jungkook was looking forward to it so much. He had thought about it night and day, wondering what to wear, wondering what topics you two could talk about, wondering how much time he had with you.

To be fair, he had also thought about what to get Tae for his birthday as well. It was easy to shop for the rest of the guys, they were simple. But after so many years of friendship and good presents, he just didn’t know what else to get for his best friend at this point. Maybe he’d find a good present while he was out shopping with you.

That did not happen, however.

You two had met up outside of the mall in the afternoon, but as soon as soon as you stepped inside, you quickly saw the pandemonium that awaited. Hordes of people pushed each other every which way as they sped walked to countless stores doing their last minute shopping. A thrill of fear shot through Jungkook. He very vividly remembered the day you discovered you were claustrophobic, and the anxiety you had developed because of it. He didn’t like the idea of you being here whatsoever, but before he could pitch alternative plans, you were pulling him along into the crowd, determined to find a good store.

Jungkook insisted you both stop into a video games store that he quickly spotted, not because he thought Taehyung would want something from in there, but because it would give you time to rest. He could already see the wild look in your eyes and the slight hyperventilation building up inside of you. You were trying to be brave, and he didn’t know how to tell you that you didn’t have to be.

Jungkook slipped out momentarily to get you something from the food court that might help. When he returned, you shook your head and lead him back into the chaos, but you two only made it to the end of the wing before your hands started clamming up. Jungkook noticed the signs right away and tugged you down a hallway with an exit. You burst through the doors, hunching over and taking deep breaths. You wiped your hands on your pants, struggling to breathe. Jungkook pulled out the brown paper bag he had gotten and held it out to you. He crouched down to meet your eyes, watching you as you breathed in and out carefully.

“Count for me.” You nodded and counted backwards from ten, closing your eyes as your heart rate slowly decreased. “You’re okay. Just breathe.”

Once you were calmer, you straightened up and handed Jungkook the bag. “Thanks. I’m sorry—” He held his hand up, not letting you apologize for things out of your control.

You were ashamed. You hadn’t experienced a panic attack in years, so you thought you could handle it, but clearly you were wrong. You were so grateful Jungkook knew exactly what to do, and that he was so patient. It instantly made you more comfortable, which was odd because the idea of telling anyone about our anxiety, even Tae, was ironically enough to make it flare up.

“Should we try a different place? I know some stores not too far from here that might have some cool stuff.”

You nodded, still unable to meet his eyes. And so you two set off to complete your mission for the day.

Jungkook took you to several places, watching you try and haggle down firm prices of expensive products. He hadn’t stopped chuckling since you two got together, finding everything you did absolutely charming. It was only when you two had stopped in a music store so that Jungkook could buy some new guitar picks that you finally realized what to get Tae. You’d watched him play the piano at school enough to know he should have one at home, or at least a keyboard, since you didn’t exactly have piano money at the moment.

And so Jungkook carried the instrument for you as you made your way home, still thinking about what to get for his best friend.

The idea came to him unexpectedly when he watched you try to hail a cab. You were flailing your arms wildly, even suck your leg out on the street like you’d seen in the movies. He felt so light being with you, so whole that it was scary to think himself without you.

And then the words he’d never wanted to admit came to his mind. Damn, I love this girl.

There, he said it. He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. As much as he tried to pretend it wasn’t the case, he knew it to be true. Deep down inside, it was the ultimate truth he had tried so desperately to bury beneath layers of misguided hatred. He loved you, he always had, and he always would, and there was no getting rid of it.

It was then, as he felt freer than he had in years, that he realized what he had to do.

“Okay, Okay! Open the next present!” You bounced cheerfully on the rug, unable to hold back your excitement. You absolutely loved Christmas, especially Christmas with Tae. It was his favorite holiday, and subsequently it became your favorite too. His infectious holiday spirit always got to you and everyone else around him. And as you sat in his living room surrounded by all of his friends and a pile of presents, you couldn’t be happier.

Tae chuckled as he ruffled the top of your head. “Okay fine! Bring on more presents!”

You giggled and tugged on the huge box that had been expertly wrapped by yours truly. The boy’s eyes threatened to pop out of his skull. “Holy shit! This big one is for me!?” You nodded enthusiastically.

He impatiently ripped the wrapping paper away and gasped when he saw a corner of the piano exposed. “Babe, you didn’t.”

“I did!” You squealed as he tore the box open, stopping to give you a huge kiss when he saw that you did, in fact, get him a keyboard.

Jungkook looked away but smiled, knowing Taehyung would be happy to receive it as soon as you had picked it out at the music store.

Someone made a sound of disgust at the massive show of PDA, but the lovebirds simply chuckled, too wrapped up in each other to care. When Taehyung finally tore himself away from you, he placed his hands on your shoulders.

“Okay. I’m about to open my last present, and babe, I don’t want you to be offended, but Jungkook always outdoes himself and everyone else every year.”

Jungkook grinned sheepishly, feeling a bit embarrassed at the introduction. His present this year wasn’t exactly over the top. He actually wasn’t sure how Tae would react to it. But nonetheless the boy handed him the simple envelope.

Tae looked at it and then at his friend, wondering what kind of present came in such simple packaging. He didn’t waste time opening it, but when he pulled out the simple piece of paper, he grew even more confused. He looked over at Jungkook for an explanation.

Jungkook cleared his throat, feeling a bit nervous. “It’s a plane ticket to Jeju. I’m moving there once our lease is up and I want you to come visit me when I do.”

Taehyung laughed, looking in between the plane ticket in his hands and Jungkook’s worried expression. “Come on man, stop playing.”

“I’m…not joking Tae.”

Utter silence followed his statement. Hobi was the first to look away, already knowing why Jungkook had decided to do something so rash. The rest of the boys looked in between each other, wondering if Jungkook had told any of them that he was leaving. Then they all looked at Tae, registering the hurt on his face. He couldn’t believe his best friend would make such a drastic decision like that without confiding in him. He had been picking up on Jungkook drifting from him lately, but he thought it might just be in his head. This confirmed that it wasn’t.

You had been shocked too, looking at Jungkook and the hardness in his jaw. He had been decided for some time now. You looked at your boyfriend, worried about how he was going to take this news.

“You’re…leaving?” Teahyung struggled to make sense of it. Jungkook never even talked about Jeju, or wanting to leave Seoul for that matter. It had always been you two against the world, but apparently that wasn’t the case after all.

“Uh…yeah. It’s sort of a last-minute thing…” Jungkook didn’t elaborate any more, not knowing what else to say. He couldn’t exactly say he was leaving because Tae was dating his soulmate.

“Well, thanks, I guess.” Tae got up and marched upstairs without another word. You all looked after him in worry. He definitely had not taken the news well. Jungkook felt dumb for even thinking that he might. He just felt that since Tae had met you, he was plenty happy and occupied these days, and wouldn’t have minded as much that Jungkook was leaving. Boy, was he wrong.

You couldn’t help looking at Jungkook who was now avoiding your gaze. You wanted to ask him where the hell this was all coming from, but your first priority was your boyfriend, so you got up and silently went upstairs to check up on him.

Someone made a whistling sound that caused some chuckling to erupt. These guys couldn’t take anything seriously to save their lives.

The rest of the gift giving session went on smoothly, with everyone choosing to ignore Jungkook’s sudden news.

In fact, the next two weeks had gone on much of the same. No one brought it up or even asked Jungkook about it, especially not Taehyung, which was due to the fact that he was completely ignoring Jungkook.

The curly haired boy had knocked on his door plenty of times since Christmas morning to have the inevitable talk, but Taehyung would either pretend he wasn’t in his room despite the door being locked or simply turn up the music really loudly and pretend he couldn’t hear. Whenever he’d run into Jungkook around the house, he’d simply turn around and walk out of the room.

Jungkook knew he deserved as much, but it was still weighing heavily on him. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Tae, which was the whole reason he was leaving in the first place.

New Years Eve had come around faster than anyone had been prepared for. You all liked to throw huge parties around this time, but it just didn’t feel right to have one this year with all of the tension in the house. Nonetheless, the boys dressed up and invited you to come watch the ball drop on TV.

Jungkook decided to work a shift that night in order to give Tae a chance to enjoy the evening with the rest of their friends. He hated working the holidays, especially since he already killed himself working so many hours regularly. But he sucked it up and went to work anyway, serving all of the lonely people without places to be on a holiday.

A few hours into his shift, he was surprised to see Lisa stopping by. She always had somewhere to be for the holidays, always some crazy rager worthy of legendary stories.

“What are you doing here?” The boy eyed her curiously. She certainly wasn’t dressed for work.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that? When I heard you were working today, I had to come by and see for myself. Shouldn’t you be at your house throwing some crazy party I never get invited to?” The girl crossed her arms childishly.

Jungkook gave her a sheepish grin. “Sorry about that. I figured you always had somewhere to be anyway.”

“Well, you’re not wrong.” Lisa smiled as Jungkook rolled his eyes. “Come to my place when you’re done. No one should be alone tonight.” Lisa purred, her eyelids heavy as she attempted to persuade her crush to come to her party.

Jungkook thought carefully. Normally he’d decline right away, not even bothering to think of good excuses these days. But what reason did he have to keep turning her down? She was beautiful, and she wanted his company. He was single and he really didn’t have other plans. Plus, they wouldn’t be coworkers for much longer. Sure, he was in love with another woman, but that didn’t even matter when the woman he loved was unattainable.

The boy shifted on his feet, looking over his shoulder at Lisa’s expectant stare. “You’ve worn me down. Just text me your address.”

Lisa bit her lip, feeling giddy inside but trying hard to seem apathetic. “Okay, yeah. I’ll see you later.” She turned swiftly on her feet and exited the club, rushing home to prepare for a night she hadn’t known would actually come.

Jungkook chuckled. He knew Lisa well and could tell she was overly excited about this. He felt a twinge of guilt, knowing she was way more into him than he was her, but it’s not like he was asking her to be his girlfriend or anything. It was just one night. One much needed night away from Tae’s pointed stares, his friends’ loaded silence and your intoxicating presence lingering everywhere he went.

He focused on getting through the rest of his shift, and by the time he had gotten home, you were all awake playing drinking games in the kitchen. The curly haired brunette had popped his head in to greet you all and the boys cheered to see their favorite bartender was finally home, well, all except for one.

He watched as Tae finished his drink and bid everyone a good night before going upstairs for the night. You followed right behind him, but not before stopping to wish Jungkook a happy new year.

“You as well.” Jungkook smiled at you, unable to hide the sadness in his voice. You look beautiful tonight. I love you.

He watched as you, too, went upstairs and disappeared into Tae’s room. His roommates continued playing beer pong as if nothing had happened. Jungkook watched for a bit, wishing things were different. He had been secretly hoping things might magically be smoothed over by tonight, and that you all would insist on hanging out together. But it seemed he would be going over to Lisa’s anyway.

He bounded up the steps quickly, not wanting to keep his conquest for the night waiting too long. He changed into something a little more festive before he heard those three soft knocks at his door that made his heart stop.

Jungkook checked his appearance again in the mirror before taking a deep breath and opening the door for you.

You smiled tentatively up at him. He was decent this time, you were happy to find.

“Can I come in?”

The question had caught him off guard, but even so, he moved aside and let you in, closing the door behind you.

“What’s up?” Jungkook tried to sound nonchalant, but his tone of voice still went up towards the end of his question.

“Well, I kinda wanted to talk to you.” You looked around his room, taking the setting in for the first time. His room turned out to be exactly as you expected, dark paint on the walls, his guitar on display, clothes strewn all around and band posters on the walls. You smiled at him as you sat on his bed, patting the seat next to you.

Jungkook instantly grew nervous. Normally when a girl sat on his bed and beckoned him over, it was under wildly different circumstances. He gulped, his heart racing as he took hesitant steps towards the bed. He sat down next to you, wiping his hands on his thighs as you turned to him.

“Talk about what?”

“You…and Tae.” Jungkook sighed, not knowing what else to say on the matter. “He’s really broken up about this, even if he’s not showing it. I know we haven’t been friends for long… but you can talk to me. What can I say to get you to stay?” Jungkook shook his head. You were simply trying to be a good girlfriend by getting him to stay, but Jungkook was trying to be a good friend by leaving. “I mean…Tae said you never do anything drastic without talking to him first. And he told me he felt like you two had been drifting apart for a while. Did something happen?”

Jungkook balled his fists at his knees. “Yes, and no. There’s nothing to say Y/N. I’m just leaving, and it’s final. I’ve been trying to find a way to apologize to him for springing this on him at Christmas, but he won’t let me. I don’t know what else to do.”

“…You can stay.” You smiled at him, but it only served to frustrate the boy more. You just didn’t understand, and you weren’t sure why he wasn’t allowing you to understand. “Jungkook, surely there has to be some reason that—“

Suddenly his lips were on yours, urgent and unrelenting. He effectively cut your sentence off when he leaned in and kissed you unexpectedly. He hadn’t planned it, it just happened in the moment. He also couldn’t think of a better way to convey how much of a problem it would be if he chose to stay, and rightfully so, he managed to alarm you as you shoved him off of you.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU—” His lips were on yours again, but this time, you didn’t have the restraint to fight him. You kissed him back hungrily. A million emotions coursed in between you both, lust, fear, happiness and pain amongst the more prominent ones.

You wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him onto you greedy for more. His lips were like a wildfire igniting your body, molding perfectly into yours as you gasped for air. His hands on your body were hot, too hot against the goosebumps growing on your skin.

Your fingers found their way into his hair and tugged on the strands roughly as he bit your lip. He growled into the kiss, savoring how sweet you tasted. He was going out of his mind with his senses on overload. He felt nothing but you and smelled nothing but your perfume as he leaned into you, pulling your body against his. He also saw nothing but you and him together, living happily as destiny might have it. His tongue slipped into your mouth which you readily accepted, swirling yours around his as you traded saliva.

Jungkook had imagined this moment a million times, but never under these circumstances. He was finally getting what he wanted, but not in the right way, and because of that, he broke away from you, panting as you stared into each other’s eyes for an uninterrupted minute. His gaze on you loving while yours reflected nothing but wonderment.

You weren’t sure what the hell you were doing, you hadn’t yet asked yourself that, because you couldn’t answer your initial question when he first kissed you. Why did this feel so…right?

“That’s why I have to go.”

Jungkook sighed as you stared back at him dumbfoundedly. You reached your hand up to your lips that were still tingling, unable to believe what had just happened.

Jungkook expected you to leave, he expected you to be upset, but when you hadn’t budged, he felt himself slowly losing even more control than he already had tonight. He had to get you to go, before he did something else he’d be ashamed of.

“So, if that’s all, I have somewhere to be.” He looked away, hoping you got the hint.

You were caught off guard. Jungkook was so hot and cold that it left your head spinning sometimes. Nonetheless you tried to push through and get the answers you had come looking for.

“Jungkook… you don’t have to go. At least not tonight. Stay, we can—”

“No, I do have to go. Lisa’s waiting for me, so…”

You furrowed your eyebrows, looking at the boy who had now stood up and picked up his watch from his nightstand. Was he seriously thinking of other women while implying that he had to move because he had feelings for you?

You stood up, looking at the boy’s back incredulously. “So, you expect me to believe you have feelings for me while you’re running off to go sleep with someone else?”

“Weren’t you just warming Tae’s bed before you came to my room?”

Your eyes watered at the implication of his words. How dare he insinuate…

You turned on your heel and marched out of his room, unwilling to let him see you cry. Jungkook felt awful about what he just said and did, but he had no choice. Maybe now you would stay away from him and make his last few moments here as peaceful as possible.

Jungkook finished getting ready and left shortly afterward. He spent the night in Lisa’s bed as he intended to, and almost every other night afterward for the next two weeks.

You hated him. You hated him so much you could cry again just thinking about him.

You hated his floofy hair and his dingly earrings and his carefree smile. You hated the way he scrunched his nose whenever he didn’t like something, you hated the tight shirts he always wore. You hated the way his lips were so soft but his body was so hard, you hated how he kissed you and made you feel things that were confusing.

You prided yourself on having a simple life. You went to school and graduated on time, you had a long-term relationship that was precious to you, you even found a job that you liked and friends that you loved. And then there was Jungkook, an unsightly blotch in the mural of your life. You absolutely hated him.

Which was the reason why (you convinced yourself) you were standing outside of his bar on a Tuesday evening. The kiss had now happened months ago, but you were only now able to summon the courage to confront him with all of the things you wanted to say to him.

You had been avoiding him at all costs, holing yourself up in Tae’s room or just not coming over at all. But even when you were over, his room was always empty. You surmised he was back to his fuck boy behavior. It was all the same to you, at least he wasn’t in your hair anymore.

But now, you wanted to see him. You needed him to know that his kiss meant nothing to you and that he was an asshole for insinuating you were being a slut.

You also knew that this was his last day at work because he was leaving tomorrow, so it was now or never.

You sighed as you pushed open the doors of the club. Immediately upon entering, the smell of cigarettes overwhelmed you. There were very few people here, yet the lights still strobed, and the music still blared, albeit at a more respectable volume.

Your eyes found the bar immediately along with the tall brunette chucking playing cards into a glass cup. You clutched your purse straps and marched over to him, a look of determination in your eyes.

Jungkook’s eyes flew over to you as he got prepared to take your order, but quickly realized you weren’t a customer after all. He gulped, seeing the ferociousness in your demeanor.

“Hello JUNGKOOK.”

“Uh, hi.”

“I won’t be staying long. I just came here to say that…that our,” You looked around and lowered your voice, causing Jungkook’s lips to curl, “kiss, meant nothing. It was meaningless and it should’ve never happened. And, And you’re such an asshole because—”

“I know. I’m sorry.” You were caught off guard, losing track of your speech already. “I should’ve never kissed you and I should’ve never said what I said. It was unwarranted. And of course, the kiss meant nothing.”

You huffed, not sure about how to continue. You were expecting a fight. “Well, I just want you to know that I love Taehyung with all my heart—”

“I never doubted that for a second.”

You rolled your tongue around on the inside of your cheek. “Are you going to let me be mad here for a second!?” This time Jungkook smiled involuntarily. You were even adorable when you were pissed.

You sighed heavily, throwing your hands up in the air. “Well, I guess that’s all I came here to say, so…”

“Sit down. What are you having?”

You looked at Jungkook for a second and then the stool in front of him, wondering if you should stay. “I said I wasn’t going to stay long…”

“Do you have plans?”

“No…”

“Then sit. Drink with me.” Jungkook flashed you an infectious crooked smile and you couldn’t believe yourself as you put your purse down on the counter and plopped down in front of him. There was no use in being angry at him anymore now that you were both on the same page.

Jungkook poured two shots of tequila and plucked two limes from the jar of fruit. He placed one of each in front of you and lifted his own glass in front. You clinked your shot with his and threw the alcohol into the back of your throat, feeling the warm sting as it made its way down. With panicked dexterity, you quickly chomped down on the lime to get rid of the horrid aftertaste.

Jungkook scrunched his nose and shook his head. He wasn’t sure Tequila would be his thing, but it was his last day here, may as well drink the expensive stuff.

Suddenly one shot turned into two, which turned into four, which is when you found yourself trying your hand at shooting his cards.

You were absolutely drunk since you had skipped lunch at work. Jungkook had a higher tolerance, but he still had a mean buzz. He was having the time of his life watching you react every time your car didn’t fall into the cup. You were so dramatic, and he loved it.

“You have to flick your wrist. Flick your wrist!” Jungkook was demonstrating as you continued to miss.

“It’s not working! You’re an awful teacher!”

“Are you sure you’re not an awful student?”

“Both could be true at the same time.”

“I suppose, but that statement overlooks a key detail in this scenario.”

“Which is…?

“That I’m AWESOME!” Jungkook tossed a card at the cup that epically bounced off the rim and onto the floor. “NOOOOO! That was supposed to be my moment!!”

“You’re such a failure. So embarrassing. It’s a good thing you’re leaving town, can’t show your face around here after that disgrace.”

Jungkook laughed and flashed you the finger as he bent down to pick up all the cards from the floor. You hiccupped as you spun around in your chair, easily entertaining yourself when the world started to go fuzzy. You stopped to watch him shuffle the deck, feeling content as your body buzzed with a warm tingly feeling.

“So let me ask you something…”

“Shoot.”

“Why did you kiss me?”

“Because.”

“Because why?”

Jungkook smiled down at his hands. “Because you’re my soulmate.”

You failed to stifle a laugh and so did Jungkook. He realized how ridiculous he must sound to you right now, but he figured why not throw caution to the wind. You probably wouldn’t remember anything he said to you by tomorrow.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“And how do you know that?”

“Because I’ve been dreaming about you since I was nine.”

Your laughter was loud, too loud, drawing the attention of other people as they shot you rude looks. You snorted, unable to help yourself from laughing even more. Jungkook bit his lip, trying to stop himself from laughing too so that he could get his words out properly.

“Dreams? About me?”  Jungkook nodded, leaning against the counter to meet you eye to eye. “Prove it then.”

“How can I prove it to you?”

“Well,” You tapped your finger against your chin, humoring the boy with the brunette, “if you’ve known about me for the last 15 years, thennnn, how many siblings do I have?”

“Three sisters.”

Damn, that was a good guess. You quirked a brow. “Impressive….thennnn, what was my favorite subject at school?”

“History.”

“Hmm, not so impressive because you might’ve known what my major in college was.”

“Oh, but you didn’t let me finish. History was your favorite because you’re a total dork, but we both know English class was your true favorite because you had a big fat crush on your teacher Mr. Townsend with the dreamy eyes. What was it you liked to call him? Mr. Cutie?”

You laughed again, keeling over the counter and banging your hand on the counter repeatedly. “OH MY GOD I forgot about him!!! He was soooo cute I could die!! Holy shit Jungkook. Did you go to school with me?” You gasped, realizing you’d be a pretty awful person not to recognize Jungkook if he was an old classmate.

The boy simply smiled and shook his head, chuckling at your dazed expression. You were definitely thinking all about Mr. Cutie now. Suddenly his eyes met the approaching figure getting closer and closer. Shit.

“Okay, come on darling. You’ve had a bit too much to drink. Time to go.” The security guard put his hand on your upper back and ushered you off the stool. You stared between him and Jungkook, stumbling a bit when you landed on your feet.

“WHAT!? I’m totally fine. Jungkook tell him!”

Jungkook looked in between you both, biting his lip. You were most definitely not fine. “Just go, but wait for me outside!” You stared at the boy who had run into the back, letting the security guard gently lead you out of the club. That traitor!

Once outside, you began walking up the block hiccupping as you unlocked your phone. For some reason, you remembered that you needed to buy toothpaste. You knew you wouldn’t remember in your inebriated state, so you called yourself and left a voicemail.

“Hey Y/N, it’s you, Y/N. Get toothpaste—”

“Who the hell are you talking to?” Jungkook’s voice came up close behind you, and you panicked and put your phone down, forgetting to end the voicemail.

“No one! Hey, why aren’t you at work?”

“And miss this shit show? I wouldn’t forgive myself.” Jungkook smiled as he looked up at the starry sky. He was filled with an inexplicable peace and he didn’t know why. Was it because he was hanging out with you after months of being apart? Was it because he was buzzed, or because he was finally leaving tomorrow? Or was it because he was finally confessing to you?

You attempted to shove the boy but only managed to stumble again. Jungkook’s arms held you steady instantly, making sure you weren’t going to take a tumble out here for everyone to see. You were much too drunk to take public transport, so he decided to hail a cab instead.

Once the car pulled up to the curb, he held the door open for you as you got in and then followed your lead, giving the cab driver his address.

You turned to face him while smiling lazily. He mirrored your blissful expression, wondering what was going on in your head.

“Tell me more Mr. Wizard.”

Jungkook chuckled. “What do you want to know.”

“I want to know more reasons why you think a girl like me would be your soulmate.”

“I don’t think, I know.” Jungkook paused, wanting to give you a thoughtful answer, even if you were absolutely drunk. “Sometimes I think I know you better than I know myself. I look at you and the life you’ve lived, the things you’ve done for others and the things people should’ve done for you. You make me want to be a better person. The kind of person that would make sure you’d never hurt again.”

Jungkook smiled at you, but you could only look at him pensively. “And…you know all of this because of…your dreams?”

He nodded, his hair and earrings bouncing to and fro. “I think it was the universe’s way of answering a question I had when I was young.”

“Which was?”

“How to know when you’re in love.” Jungkook leaned back against the headrest, looking at you with sadness in his eyes. You leaned in closer to him without realizing, staring into his huge eyes full of so many secrets.

“For someone who’s never even taken a girl out on a date before, you seem awfully sure about this.” The boy smiled, licking his lips as he closed his eyes.

“Gimme a break! It’s not like I didn’t try. That day you came to Seoul with your class, I had been looking forward to it all week. I was so frustrated because I didn’t know where you would be, but I showed up anyway and looked for you, even bought you flowers.” He shook his head at the memory, feeling dumb for teenage Jungkook: the helpless romantic. “Guess I just didn’t want to deal with that disappointment again.”

You looked at Jungkook as the streetlights illuminated his face in iridescence. He looked so sad, and you couldn’t make sense of the words he was saying, but you felt he was speaking to you from the heart. You licked your own lips, only inches away from his face.

His eyes watched you carefully the closer you got. His mouth parted as your nose brushed against his and suddenly, he was whispering against your lips, “Y/N, you should stop. If you continue, I don’t think I’ll have the strength to stop myself this time.”

You swallowed involuntarily, the edges of your lips brushing against his pillowy ones. He was absolutely right, and you were grateful that one of you had the sense to say what needed to be said.

You looked up into his blown-out pupils and imagined what might happened if you simply pressed your lips into his. You saw him taking hold of your face and pressing you against the backseat, curling your leg around his waist as he stuck his tongue into your waiting mouth. You saw yourself loving every bit of the way his hands would grope you, his mouth whispering dirty things against your skin. You’d love it a little too much, but maybe not in the morning when you’d realize what you’d done. So you inched away from him and took a deep clearing breath. Jungkook did the same, looking out of his window for the remainder of the ride home while reminding himself that he was leaving tomorrow, over and over again.

Jungkook hadn’t seen his room this empty in years.

When he first moved into the house, he didn’t have much money to his name, content with sleeping on a tiny air mattress set up in the corner with a lamp and a laptop, both of which were also on the floor. He struggled to remember that overused quote while reminiscing. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

He had already shipped out his belongings prior, even sent you a special package that he should’ve gotten rid of ages ago. His empty room served as a good parallel for how he felt. He was starting anew and felt a little empty inside as he cut off important ties, but the prospect of starting over was all he could put his faith in now.

And now all that was left to take was his packed-up guitar and a duffle bag that sat neatly out of the way as he took a picture to look back on later.

He was wracked with melancholy at his final moments in this house and in his favorite city. He did want to leave and start anew somewhere else, if only for his own peace of mind, but not being able to make things right with his best friend before leaving tainted everything. He never wanted to leave like this.

A few knocks at doorway had Jungkook quickly turning around. Hobi stood at the entrance holding the excited pitbull in his arms. He placed the scrappy dog on its feet and off it went, bounding excitedly into Jungkook’s awaiting arms. His heart hurt as he scratched the backs of its ears. This would be one of the things he missed doing the most.

“So, you’re leaving soon, yeah?”

Jungkook nodded, standing up as Hobi approached him. The redhead took him in for an embrace, patting his back momentarily.

“For the record, I think you’re doing the right thing man.” Jungkook nodded again, trying to make himself believe the words too.

“Hey.” A soft greeting from the doorway startled both Hobi and Jungkook. He knew Tae was home, but he hadn’t expected him to stop by, not with the way he persisted on being mad at him for so long.

“Hey.” Jungkook’s voice was horse. Hobi gave the younger boy a reassuring smile before leaving and giving them some privacy. Tae regarded him warily as he leaned against the door frame, trying to decide if he should enter, and ultimately deciding to do so.

“So, today’s the day huh?”

“Flight leaves in an hour.”

Tae nodded, looking around at the vast empty space. It hurt him to see it so empty for the first time in a long time.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this.” Tae sighed and stuck his hands in his pockets, struggling to meet Jungkook’s eyes.

“I know. It’s just something I have to do.”

Tae nodded, even though he didn’t agree, or understand for that matter. He sniffed, frowning as he made a last-minute decision to blow up on Jungkook after all.

“Fuck you, that’s such bullshit! You never wanted to leave Seoul. And all of a sudden, it’s a done deal. You didn’t even talk to me about it! And you talk to me about everything! What the fuck happened to us? What, I get a girlfriend and all of a sudden I’m not a good enough friend to you?! What the fuck is even waiting for you at Jeju?? Do you even know anyone there?! I’m your best friend and I don’t even know your new address!”

Jungkook winced as Tae’s voice only got higher the longer he went on, but he stood and took the scolding, knowing he deserved every bit of it.

“I’m sorr—”

“And then you have the nerve to tell me on Christmas, as if I’m supposed to be happy that you’re leaving, as if that was supposed to be a gift to me. That was fucked up!”

“I know, I’m sorr—”

“And you didn’t even take the trash out last Thursday even though it was your chore day. GOD YOU’RE UNBELIEVABLE!”

Taehyung huffed, running out of things to complain about. Jungkook’s mouth twitched, wanting so badly not to fuck himself over by laughing at Tae right now. Though, he couldn’t help but notice how similar you and Tae were when you were angry. The ridiculous image of you two fighting was distracting to say the least.

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, I know you’re sorry, still doesn’t make this any less shittier.”

“I know.”

“GOD, STOP SAYING YOU KNOW!” Tae slumped down the wall until his butt hit the floor. Jungkook hesitated before going over to sit by him. They both sat in silence for a while, feeling a flurry of emotions. After a while, Jungkook smiled and pointed at a chip in the door frame.

“Remember when Yoongi got so drunk that we had to put him into the shower, but he held onto my door frame so hard while we were dragging him out that he broke it a little?”

Taehyung looked over at the indent and smiled, his shoulders shaking in silent laughter. He nodded, remembering the hectic night. The boys had all been scared of Yoongi after that, knowing he could easily knock them out with that strength of his if they ever pissed him off enough. Tae’s eyes wandered along the room, catching the distinct black mark where the bed used to be.

“Remember when you were really into hookah for a while and that sorority girl you brought over that one time dropped the coal on the floor and didn’t tell you?”

Jungkook laughed, nodding as he remembered how furious he was when he saw the damaged that she had tried to cover up poorly.

“Oh god, remember her weird sister? What was her name again?”

“Floosy Susan?”

“FLOOSY SUSAN! How could I forget! What do you think she’s up to nowadays?”

“Still fisting forties and picking up bikers probably.” Taehyung shivered, remembering the very aggressive way she cornered him in the bathroom once.

Jungkook wiggled his eyebrows at him, recalling the story she had told everyone about what happened that night which turned out not to be true at all. Taehyung chuckled and pushed Jungkook over.

“Man, we used to have so much fun. What happened?”

“I don’t know. Life, I guess. You got castrated and I picked up more hours at work.”

“Fuck you.” Tae chuckled some more, running his fingers through his hair. It was silent for a while as he chose his next few words carefully. “Are you leaving because of me? If it’s something I did—”

“No. It’s not you.” Jungkook sighed, looking at his friend with torture in his eyes. “Tae I— I’m…in love with Y/N.” Taehyung’s eyebrows shot up as he searched Jungkook’s face for any ounce of joking. “I have been for a long time, even before you met her. I thought I could deal with it, but it’s been too hard. So I figured it’d be better if I just removed myself from the equation and started new somewhere else, at least for a while.”

More silence ensued as Taehyung processed what Jungkook was telling him. He was angry at first, his baser instinct telling him to accuse Jungkook of being a shitty friend, which he knew was unreasonable. Then he was sad, realizing how much this made sense when he thought about the last couple months.

“Fuck man…I don’t know what to say. Since before I met her?”

Jungkook nodded, leaning his head on the wall as he silently cursed his own bad luck that Tae had gotten to you first.

“It doesn’t matter how, or when, really. Because I see how good you two are together. I don’t want to ruin that. But it’s too hard for me to stay and…watch her build a life with someone that’s not me.” Jungkook sighed and turned to his friend. “I’m sorry, this must feel really shitty to hear.”

Taehyung shook his head. He was at a loss for words. Out of all the reasons he had conjured up to explain their decline in friendship, this had never crossed his mind.

“Shit, I’m sorry I made you play wingman, practically forced you to spend time together when you didn’t want to.” Tae threw his head back into the wall and squeezed his eyes shut, feeling like an idiot.

“Eh, you didn’t exactly force me. You know I’ll always be your wingman no matter what.” Jungkook held up his fist for Taehyung to bump. His friend smiled weakly before touching his knuckles to Jungkook’s.

Suddenly the blonde sighed, looking at Jungkook with a serious expression. “Do you…want me to step aside?”

Jungkook froze, unable to believe the words that had just come out of Taehyung’s mouth. “Of course, I don’t want you to do that. What the fuck kind of question is that!? You guys are madly in love.”

“Oh thank god. I really did not want to.”

The boys busted out laughing, holding their sides and rolling over on the floor in tears.

“You’re such a piece of shit.” Jungkook could barely get his insult out in between laughs.

Suddenly Jungkook’s phone buzzed, signaling his Uber approaching the house.

“Ah, my ride’s here.” Jungkook stood up and looped his guitar strap over his shoulder. He realized Tae hadn’t heard him, since the boy had stepped out to take a phone call, so he quietly made his way down the stairs after giving his dog a goodbye scratch. He hated elaborate goodbyes anyway. And besides, he knew Tae would definitely use the plane ticket the first chance he got free time off of school and work.

“Hey babe!” Your sing-song voice rang through Taehyung’s receiver, putting a big smile on the boy’s face.

“Hey you. Are you coming over?”

“Yep! I’m about to leave my house right now. Did we need anything else? I already got the noodles and the hoisin.”

“Nah, we should be fine. Just hurry up and get here already, I miss you.”

You smiled cheesily, looking down at your feet as you walked up to your mailbox. You nodded, and realized he couldn’t see you, so you chirped an okay before hanging up.

You had slept all day recovering from your hang over. You couldn’t believe you had gone to Jungkook’s club to argue with him but ended up getting waste instead. You were happy that you were no longer on bad terms with him though, so you supposed it was a good idea in the end. Of course, you didn’t remember much after the first two shots, so you hoped that you didn’t embarrass yourself too much. You wondered if Jungkook would still be home or if he would’ve left already. You were hoping to catch him so you could say a proper goodbye. It would be embarrassing if the last time he saw you was you drunk off your ass.

As you opened up your mailbox, a package addressed to you fell out. You bent down to pick it up, unable to recall if you ordered anything recently. You quickly tore the envelope open and pulled out what looked to be a sketch pad.

You furrowed your eyebrows, double checking the name on the package. It was definitely for you. Hmm.

You began flipping through it. Countless images of a girl of all different ages flashed in between your hands. Upon looking closer, they all seemed to be of you. You recalled the buns, and the uniform, and the sunhat, even the pajamas you had worn for years before they were ripped in too many places.

You gasped, looking over your shoulder. Were you being stalked? This was so creepy you didn’t even know where to begin. You couldn’t tell who sent the package. You were hoping this was a surprise from Tae, so you pulled your phone out to call him back, but a small red bubble signaled that you had an unheard voicemail and it caught your attention.  You didn’t remember missing anyone’s phone call.

Ah, it’s from yourself! You furrowed your eyebrows and hit play, holding your phone up to your ear to see what drunk Y/N might have to say at a time like this.

But the longer you listened, the more you began to understand. Your eyebrows shot up as you dropped your grocery bags onto the pavement, listening to Jungkook spill his heart out to you. Your eyes watered, hearing the longing in his voice. And the things he was saying… your knees threatened to buckle underneath your own weight. You opened the book again, looking at the dates on the corners of the pages. Some drawings were vivid enough to make you recall memories you had long forgotten about. The message ended, so you hit replay, again, and then again.

Suddenly you were quickly scrolling through your apps to call for a ride, praying you would make it to Jungkook in time.

Jungkook spent the 40-minute ride from his old house to Incheon listening to music and thinking about you and his dog. He wondered if he might start dreaming about you again, hoping and praying that he wouldn’t, since it would be counterproductive to him leaving. He needed a clean break.

He also hoped Tae would take his advice about what pet food to buy. Tae had a tendency of spoiling his dog with terrible food choices.

As he exited the vehicle and secured his belongings, he thanked his driver for the ride and headed into the airport that awaited to take him to an island he’d never been to before. He tried to picture himself there already, wondering if he’d fit in well enough and if he’d make any friends right away.

“Jungkook!”

The boy stopped walking and yanked his headphones off of his ears, wondering if he had imagined someone calling his name.

“Jungkook!”

He turned around, only to find you right behind him. His eyes grew wide as he wondered what you were doing here.

“You… you dream about me. No, you’ve been dreaming about me, for a long time. Why didn’t you—”

“Why didn’t I say anything?” Jungkook huffed, looking around incredulously. “C’mon Y/N. Why would I?”

“Jungkook…”

“Save me the pity party. I didn’t tell you all of that so you’d feel bad.”

“No, stop! This isn’t that. You’re just…you’re just leaving! You believe I’m your soulmate, but you won’t even fight for me. God, you make me so mad!” Your eyes grew misty as you balled your fist at your sides.

“Yeah, I know it in my heart that you are, no, in my bones, in my very being. In all that I am, it all just comes down to you. Hell, soulmate might not even cover it Y/N.” Jungkook’s eyes began to water as well and you looked away, a few tears spilling when you blinked. “But Taehyung is just as important to me, if not more. He’s my soulmate too, and I choose him. You should too.”

You wiped at your cheeks hastily, breathing shallowly as you tried not to sob here in the airport in front of all these people. You nodded, trying to put a smile on your face. Of course you’d choose Tae, so why did it feel as though your heart was breaking in two?

Jungkook watched as your face began to break. He crossed the distance in between you, placing his hand behind your head, bringing you into his chest. You let out a few sobs as you clutched onto his shirt. Your entire frame began to shake, so he put his luggage down to hold you in his arms properly. He kissed the top of your head as he tried to focus on not crying too. He knew he wouldn’t be able to leave if he stayed here with you any longer, so he backed away and gave you a weak smile before turning around and blending into the crowd of people heading in to check in.

You cover your face with your hands, willing yourself to stop crying so hard. When you could no longer see the top of Jungkook’s head, you wiped your nose and left just as you came.

[poppinisperfection]

Cool. || Peter Maximoff x Reader pt. 1 ||

Peter Maximoff x fem!human!Reader

(Y/n) is history teacher.

Requested.

Word Count: 3543

Notes: Peter acts a little strange in this, he's not being cold on purpose - so keep that in mind. Let's all presume (Y/n) is an independent woman who doesn't let an aloof guy ruin her day 💫 it's more of an introduction, so sorry if that dissapoints y'all. I hope you enjoy this extremely long piece of writing, let me know what you think. Requests are open 🙌

Taglist: @amourtentiaa @scorpionchild81

Masterlist

I flicked the indicator, as it clicked rhythmically and signaled my next turn. Grasping the steering wheel tightly, I wondered whether the direction I was heading in was the right one. My eyes drifted down to the small business card that was beginning to wrinkle from the amount of times it had been read and re-read.

‘Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters.

407 Graymalkin Lane, Salem Center, Westchester County, New York’

With a deep breath, I pushed my foot gently on the accelerator and turned the wheel - solidifying my decision. I drove down the graveled driveway as the evening sun pierced through the acres of fields and forests that dotted the landscape. This place was unlike any school I had ever seen. I had taught at various institutions of all kinds during my training, but something about this place was like something out of a fairytale or Jane Austen novel.

The old academic building grew closer as I prepared to slow down my vehicle and stop at the entrance. I peered around, trying to see if there was any places dedicated for me to park; but as far as I could tell, this was the only appropriate place for me to stop. 

I pulled out my key and felt the car’s engine fade to silence. I didn’t notice how comforting the gentle grumbles of the vehicle had been until they were gone. Now, all that was left was my mind and the thousand worries that crashed around inside it. I'm not a mutant, but I often wonder if being anxious about everything is some sort of weird useless mutation that I unfortunately had. 

Before I could become consumed by my menial fears, the vintage wooden doors opened up as if on cue. A man in a chair wheeled out as his familiar face smiled at me, and I was honestly quite awe-struck by his sudden appearance. I had spoken to Professor Charles Xavier on the phone before (for the job interview), and I had watched him on television a few times, but something about actually being near him was so incredible. This man changed the lives of so many people, possibly even the world.

I took a deep breath in and returned the kind smile, opening my car door and placing my feet onto the ground - the gravel crunching underfoot.

"Professor Xavier, it's so good to meet you." I spoke nervously, unsure of what I should do with my posture. Should I shake his hand? Should I high-five him? Should I bow? Okay maybe those last two were a bit far-fetched...

"The pleasure is all mine, (Y/n)." A voice rang through my head, as if it were my own thoughts speaking to me. But I recognized the voice, a smooth English accent that belonged to the world's most famous telepath.

"Incredible..." I breathed. Some might find it intrusive or freaky, but I was quite honored and honestly dazzled by his abilities. A figure appeared behind the wheelchair-bound man, distracting me from my child-like awe.

"Don't be a such a show-off, Charles." my attention turned to a tall man wearing a pair of glasses and a smart checkered shirt. "Good Evening, I'm Hank McCoy." he piped up cheerily, holding out his hand for me to shake. I absentmindedly took it, a bit starstruck by the world-renowned engineer, scientist, blue-furry man, and genius.

"(Y/n) (L/n)." I eventually spoke up, causing Hank to raise an eyebrow at my words.

“’(L/n)’? You're the new history teacher?" I nodded at his question, "Oh wow, you came so highly recommend that I presumed you'd be a bit more... experienced?" he chose his words carefully as to not offend. I know that most people picture an old greying woman who wears outdated fashion when they think of a history teacher...

"Oh, I'm young, I know." I explained with a bashful chuckle. 

“Hank, you of all people should know greatness is not defined by age.” Charles turned to his colleague. 

“I read that you graduated Harvard at 16.” I blurted out. 

“15, actually.” McCoy mumbled humbly. Xavier gave a satisfied smile as his point was proven. 

“(Y/n) here was top of her class, and I have no doubt that she’ll be a wonderful addition to the school.” the wise mutant stated, assuring Hank and giving me a boost of confidence. “Come inside, Hank can carry your bags for you, won’t you?” the professor inquired cheekily as McCoy threw him a look of slight distain. 

“Somedays I wish I wasn’t born with super-strength...” the academic man shook his head - the comment laced with light-hearted sarcasm - before heading to my car and pulling out my two bags, not even giving me a chance to politely object to the offer. 

“Ignore him, he’s just grumpy because he’s not on the mission.” Professor Xavier chuckled, turning his wheelchair around and beckoning for me to follow him inside. 

“I only trust myself to pilot that beauty.” Hank mentioned wistfully, probably referring to his famous aeronautical creation.

“’The mission’?” I questioned with intrigue, trailing behind him and entering the grand entrance.

“The X-Men are on a routine escort mission for the President at the moment,” my attention turned away from the antique décor as I choked on my breath slightly at his words. Of course I had heard of the famous troop of mutant heroes, but it just suddenly became so real. I was living where the X-Men lived. You know, the same X-Men that saved the world from complete destruction. “I was hoping they’d be here to show you around - but duty calls.” Charles finished. 

“Oh of... of course, duty...” I managed to mutter out eventually, earning a slight laugh from the Professor. He didn’t need to be a telepath to read my mind right now. I was so obviously astonished at the whole situation. I couldn’t believe that I was finally here, after months of thinking, considering, and second-guessing. I knew it was a risk, and I couldn’t even return to my parents if it failed.

Let’s just say that my folks weren’t very supportive of my decision to teach at a 'mutant mansion', as they would call it. Maybe it was stubbornness, maybe it was bravery; but I ignored their advice and became determined to come to Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngers. Now it was my only chance, since my family won't be welcoming me back anytime soon.

I followed Charles around, as he showed me all the rooms and explained some of the history as Hank make the odd comment or interjection. Most notably that the house was actually only a few years old, owing to the fact that the school had been blown up and rebuild a year ago. That was a fact that I could’ve gone without knowing. All I could do was hope that it didn’t blow up again, or at least not when I was around anyway. 

"Your classroom will be right next to the library," Xavier motioned towards a pair of wooden doors that lay open for students to walk freely into, "and feel free to check out any of the books as well - I have a few secret shelves for teachers, with some unregulated research papers on pre-20th century mutations, if that sounds interesting to you?" he added with a playful smile, as I nodded my head in admiration. This place sounded like an absolute dream, and I've only been here for less than an hour.

-------

As we strolled (and wheeled) down the wooden hallways, I noticed the students disappear one by one. By the looks of it, the early night had truly set in, and the majority of children were either in their rooms studying or hanging out in a common area.

"I suppose there's nothing more we can show you until the class starts tomorrow morning, I was really hoping that the team would be back by now..." Xavier gave a short sigh and furrowed his brows slightly, "But I suppose I've prolonged your tour as long as I could. Perhaps Hank, you could show (Y/n) to her room and she can rest in preparation for tomorrow." his smile returned as he asked his colleague for another favor. McCoy nodded his head and gave me a polite smile, still carrying around my bags from earlier. Maybe he didn't anticipate the Professor giving such an expansive and detailed tour of the mansion, so the bags must've been getting burdensome at this stage.

The spectacle-wearing teacher walked ahead of me and strolled towards the grand staircase that lead to the upstairs area (which we had previously travelled to earlier, but it's mainly bedrooms that we couldn't intrude into). I trailed my fingers along the carved bannister of the staircase, admiring the craftsmanship. Considering the school had been blown apart; this place looked as though it was straight out of a historical drama. The Professor could've went for a more modern update, like the ones you see in magazines and government buildings - but something about the simplicity of 1980s architecture just seemed cold and clinical. I'm glad they kept the historical charm alive.

"So you're really not, well, you know..." Hank broke me out of my daydreaming as he turned his head slightly and paused at the top of the steps. It took me a second to register what he was asking, but then it hit me.

"A mutant? Oh," I gave a meek smile before answering, "No I'm just a regular 'homosapien', completely boring." my sentence ended with a light chuckle at my own expense.

"Then you'll be the first non-mutant teacher here, you're making history." McCoy replied with zest as he began to walk down the hallway again.

"I thought I was supposed to teach history, not make it." I chirped from behind him, earning a snort and chuckle from the nerdy fellow (I know, I know - I'm a superb comedian).

As we passed by the student rooms, I could hear the various sounds emerging from behind their doors. One was gossiping loudly to their friends, another was blasting ABBA and singing along, and I could've swore that I heard some quiet sobs escaping through the keyhole of one door. My face fell into a frown as we passed by, and Hank paused slightly, before turning to me.

"That's Sophie Smith's room, she's homesick a lot." he whispered to me, his features showing concern. "You might have her for a class, so maybe keep an eye out if she's struggling." Hank suggested, as my heart went out for this student. I gave him a nod before we continued on our neverending journey towards my room.

Eventually, we stopped at the end of a corridor and my guide dropped my bags carefully on the wooden flooring. He twisted the door knob with one hand, and I watched as the door opened and revealed my bedroom.

"’Home sweet home’, as the saying goes." Hank uttered with a light tone. I stepped into the room and took my bags from the floor, carrying them in with me.

"It's so..." I breathed, observing the room.

"I know, we were supposed to get the curtains changed last month, but there was a mix-up and it's been dela-" he tried to explain, but I cut him off.

"Oh no! I was going to say, 'It's so perfect'." I clarified, brushing off his embarrassment at the state of the curtains (which were beautiful anyway). I stepped forward and placed my bags at the end of the bed while gazing at the beautiful room. This place was growing on me more and more with each minute that passed. 

“I’ll let you get settled in for the night then, there’s a copy of your timetable on your desk - it has all the information you’ll need for classes and etcetera.” Hank gestured to the neat pile of paper sheets on the wooden desk, “There’s always food in the kitchen, feel free to eat whenever and whatever you want.” he added, as my attention turned to my empty stomach. I will definitely be visiting the kitchen after I get settled in. 

“Thank you, for everything.” I beamed, unable to truly express my gratitude. He returned the smile and nodded, before shutting the door and returning to his business. As soon as his footsteps disappeared, I fell flat on the quilted bedsheets and sprawled out, giving out a pent up sigh. It was the kind of sigh that released anxiety and replaced it with assurance. From the looks of it, things were going to be alright - and there was nothing more satisfying that knowing you made the right decision. 

My brief escape into my feelings was cut short, as my stomach audibly warned me that it was running low on fuel. I turned my head and looked over to the beside alarm clock, reading the time; ‘8:24p.m.’

“Hmm,” I mused as I considered my options, “I should probably read you first...” my eyes drifted to the timetable that sat untouched on the desk. My belly did not agree with this decision, as it grumbled once more. “Okay, alright... yeesh.” I placed a hand against my abdomen, trying to settle the noise. “Food first, read later.” I threw my legs over the side of the bed and resolved to make my way towards the school’s kitchen. 

-------

Finding the kitchen was no problem, as the Professor showed it to me at least three times earlier. I guess he really was trying to stretch that tour out as much as possible. A few of the older students who were hanging around glanced at me as I entered the room. I couldn’t tell if they knew I was a teacher, or if they just thought I was a new student; either way, they didn’t stick around to find out. The group of teenagers grabbed their snacks and left the room once their privacy was interrupted. Honestly, I just think they were gossiping about some pop music band and didn’t want a stranger listening - so I didn’t mind their swift exit. It left me with some privacy as well, which was nice. 

I noticed a small radio sitting in the window sill, and decided to switch it on to break the silence. A static noise rang out as I extended the antenna and turned the knob carefully. Soon a voice grew clearer, and I had reached a station playing something. I just let the song play out, since I didn’t want to bother with searching the airwaves for something else. 

I stepped over to the pantry and surveyed the contents carefully. I was starving, but I couldn’t figure out what for. I picked up a loaf of bread and placed it on the counter, deciding it would have to be a PB & Jelly sandwich. Grabbing a plate, I began to craft my makeshift dinner. Absentmindedly, my head began to sway gently to the tune that played through the tinny radio speaker. It was one of those cheesy love songs that are always playing these days. There was something so catchy about those songs, and instinctively I began to mouth the words and drift into an MTV daydream. 

My brief escape from reality faded away as I noticed a clinking noise coming from the glass and cutlery. It was almost like an earthquake, but I knew that New York was unlikely to experience that kind of disaster (well I hoped so, at least).

A bright light shone outside the window, and I stepped closer to peer out. The basketball court had opened up and revealed a massive basement beneath it. A few seconds later, a black jet descended gracefully from the dark sky and lowered itself underground while the whole mansion trembled with the power it created. I swiftly grabbed the jam jar as it almost slipped off the edge of the counter, and stared in awe. 

“So that’s where they keep it...” I breathed out as the basketball court returned to its normal state, as if nothing had happened. I stood in wonder for a few seconds, still holding the jar tightly in my hands. That was probably the most of the X-Men I’d be seeing tonight. I’m no expert on presidential mission debriefing, but I presumed the team of elite heroes wouldn’t be mingling with the common folk upstairs for at least an hou-

“Ugh, this song’s a real bummer.” 

I nearly jumped out of my skin as a voice suddenly quipped from beside me. My attention hastily turned to a combat uniformed young man - quickly flicking through the radio stations. I stared at him, half confused and half terrified of his sudden appearance. Slowly I began to recognize his features; silvery hair, aloof attitude, and of course, the recognisable X-Men uniform. 

“Hey - you’re that guy...” I tilted my head slightly as I spoke without thinking. In a split second, he appeared at the fridge wearing an entirely new outfit, this time more casual. The music had changed to something more rock-y and alternative, matching his aesthetic. I was almost certain of it. I couldn’t remember his name, but I’ve definitely seen him with the X-Men on the news. I was almost certain of it.

“Nah, you’re thinking of a different guy.” he responded without second thought, while lifting out a can of some kind of soda. I felt my mouth contort in confusion, bemused by his comment. 

“I...” my thoughts paused to phrase my words correctly, “You were just wearing an X-Men uniform, you’ve got to be him.” I managed to retort, causing the confident fellow to raise an eyebrow. With the blink of an eye, he had disappeared from my sight again. 

“So, you don’t even know his name - and you’re convinced he’s me?” the silver-haired guy stated nonchalantly from behind me as he sipped on his drink. I gasped and grabbed my chest in surprise, not expecting him to sneak up behind me like that. I gave a sigh and prepared to answer the question. 

“I know, I’m sorry.” I closed my eyes and wracked my brain for a moment, “Peter, right?” I sighed, finally recalling the speedy mutant’s name. I looked up at him and expected some sort of witty remark. Instead, he just stared at me for a few seconds. I avoided his gaze awkwardly and looked down at the jam jar that still sat in my hands. Clearing my throat, I placed it carefully onto the counter beside me - trying to distract from his sudden silence. 

“Oh.” I mumbled at the change of topic, “I am. Only arrived here a few hours ago. The Professor showed me around earlier, with Hank, I saw all the classrooms and it was really quite-” I harped on, “I'm sorry, I'm rambling..." my voice lowered, as I watched the casual fellow open up a bag of pretzels and munch on them absentmindedly. He gave a soft chuckle at my apology.

“So, you’re new here?” for the third time, he appeared in a different location, leaving me to turn around one more time. He faced away from me, opening a drawer and surveying its content silently. 

"Cool." he replied simply, placing a few more pretzels into his mouth.

"Cool." I repeated gently, trying to decipher his aloofness. This 'Peter' was blunt, distant, and almost cold. It was as if I had offended him somehow. I stared at my surroundings for a brief moment, before deciding to get off of the wrong foot.

"I'm sorry if I was rude earlier; or was it that I couldn't remember your name?" I tried to find the reason for his indifference, wringing my hands with nerves. Peter raised an eyebrow and scowled slightly at my question.

"Rude?" he asked with a shocked tone.

"Yeah, I thought I offended you?" I explained.

"Nah, nah, we're good." he shrugged my theory off and zoomed over to the bin, throwing the crumpled wrapper in it. "I gotta go now, X-Men stuff." Peter turned to me and excused himself. I gave a soft 'oh' in surprise, and held out my hand for him to shake (just a teacher habit, I guess).

"Nice to meet you anyway, Peter." I smiled at him. The silvery guy just stared at my hand and then looked back up to me - but for some reason, avoided my eyes.

"Cool." he said again, before disappearing from sight; leaving me standing there, alone, holding my hand out for no one. Slowly I lowered my wrist and cleared my throat.

"Cool..." I said to myself, still entirely confused by the interaction. My attention quickly turned to the change in music. The radio suddenly shifted from the grungy tunes, back to the end of love ballad that I was listening to earlier. He must've changed it back. I tilted my head and stared at the little radio in the window, listening and thinking.

Maybe he wasn't as cold as I thought. Maybe I'll try and get a better conversation from that silver-haired boy tomorrow. Maybe I'll get that handshake from him. Maybe.

Still, the only thing that matters right now is that I eat that PB&J sandwich.

-------

[innittowinit]

Tommyinnit is going to be okay

summary: With lockdown, expectations and grades constantly seeming to be lower than desired, Tommy starts to give up on school. Luckily he has his makeshift family to help him out.

word count: 1778

notes: hhh im super sorry to those of you who were waiting for me to finish the next chapter to my amusement park fic, i was working on it but i'm feeling kinda :/ so i wrote this instead to get da feelings out. Updates should be back to normal next friday. also my birthday is soon!!! 22nd pog!!!!!!!!!! i'm gonna be 16 and i am :D about that

AO3

If you asked him, he’d say he didn’t care. He’d joke about how bad he was doing, call himself stupid, play into the grades and act like they were all he was capable of.  

Truth is, he knew he could be better, he knew he was expected to be better, so when he was given his report card and saw that he was scoring mediocre in most subject and even failing a few, he swallowed the lump in his throat and laughed, telling his friends that he didn’t know what he expected.

School was tough but he was expected to be tougher, when he had pages upon pages of chemistry homework so hard that  it made him cry, he didn’t tell anyone because that wasn’t what was expected of him. He stayed up for nights on end just trying to grasp at a passing grade but most of the time was spent panicking anyway, so why was anyone surprised when he started to give up?

When he stopped handing in assignments, when he stopped revising, when he stopped turning up to class, why were they all so surprised? They had watched his downfall with front row seats and now were gasping as they saw him drowning in the pool they put him in without teaching him to swim.

So here he was, locked in his bedroom, the shadows of the overly optimistic boy he painted himself as lingered as he looked around. It made him sick to his stomach, to lie to everyone like that. He knew for a fact if anyone from school watched his content they’d know he was lying. It was hard to differentiate himself sometimes, from the boy who just wanted to make his parents proud to the boy who roleplayed on minecraft servers. Now don’t get me wrong, they were both very much him, he just wished he could let his followers know that he wasn’t that happy all the time. It was only when he wasn’t being suffocated by his own academic failures.

Giving up was a stupid idea, it only made his grades worse but he justified it by saying that at least he was failing on purpose now. There could be no disappointment or shame if he didn’t try, if he told everyone that he just didn't care about grades and he could get better ones if he wanted he would be so much less pathetic than if he said that he had put in everything and still done badly. It didn’t work though, he was self-sabotaging. With every failing grade his self esteem fell further and further until he was sure it was gone completely. He didn’t feel stupid, he just felt like everyone else was smarter than him. He thought that maybe, if he tried hard enough, he could get himself out of this funk, but then again that required showing people that he was working hard and if he still failed after that he was sure he’d feel far worse than he already did.

Talking about this to someone was out of the picture too. Aside from the fact that he’d rather eat a live slug than make someone worry about him, he knew he’d just seem lazy and pathetic if he brought it up to anyone anyway. He just didn’t know how to explain that he’d got so overwhelmed that it broke him, it felt like his whole life he wished that people would stop overestimating him.

He just wasn’t good enough.

A knock on his bedroom door brought him out of his self-deprecating spiral, causing him to only curl in on himself, under the blankets, even further. No doubt it was his parents here to nag him about school again.

“Go away mum I don’t care! It doesn’t even matter” he huffed as he pulled his phone out,with the intention to ignore his family through looking at instagram.

“Tommy it’s not your mum” He heard a man’s voice speak from behind the door. “Look it’s me, Wilbur, Phil and Techno are here too. Your parents said you’ve been feeling pretty down lately so we just wanted to hang out. If talking is too much we can just play a game”

Silence.

Tommy took a moment to mull the words over, it stung that his parents had told them about what was going on but he could help but feel a little special that they had traveled so far to come cheer up him specifically. Especially Techno, he wasn’t sure if he should feel honoured or guilty that he had to fly out, deciding that both was probably the best option, he made a metal note to pay him back for the plane ticket.  

“Listen Tommy” He heard another man’s voice as he silently walked towards the door “It’ll be okay in the end, I don’t know what you’re going through right now, and you only need to tell us if you want to, but I promise it’ll be okay. Life has a way of making things fit into place in the end”

Biting his lip,Tommy twisted the key to the left, taking a deep breath before opening the door. He knew he looked terrible, his hair was greasy and all over the place, he had a pepsi stain on the shirt he had been wearing for three days straight, and he knew for a fact he smelled unpleasant. Despite all these less than ideal features, the three men all gave him a hug as soon as they saw him.   Each one of them had sincere smiles on their faces, they didn’t look like they were here to pity him at least.

Still without saying a word, Tommy stepped to the side to invite them into his messy room, before going to sit on his bed again. Coke and Pepsi cans were overflowing from his bin and he knew the plates of half eaten dinners were starting to smell, still though, they weren’t judging him. Techno and Phil sat either side of him and Wilbur sprawled himself out at the foot of the bed, as much as he wanted to keep up the silence and grumpiness, he couldn’t help but gasp a little, feeling his throat go tight and his eyes heat up with fresh tears, when Techno wrapped an arm around him.

How long had it been since he was hugged like this? It wasn’t like the greeting hug he had just gotten, it was so much more sincere and heartfelt. A ghost of a smile hinted at his lips.

As more silent tears dripped down his cheek, Techno rubbing his arm soothingly, he finally realised that he just wanted someone to genuinely care about him. He didn’t mind high expectations if they came from a good place; whenever Wilbur spoke about how Tommy would be so much bigger than he already was, he didn’t feel pressured, he felt motivated. He knew Wilbur genuinely believed in him and more importantly would still care about him if he didn’t live up to what he expected, in contrast to his parents who he honestly wasn’t sure if he had unconditional love from or not.

That’s what the problem was. Finally, he had Techno, Phil and Wil all here because they loved him, and he knew they wouldn’t judge him. They wouldn’t hate him for failing an exam, they wouldn’t mock him for getting overwhelmed, they certainly would love him no matter how bad he messed up.

Right in that moment, he stopped caring about whether or not he’d make people worry, he stopped caring about any possibly negative opinions of him because he knew he was safe, and he leant his head against Techno’s shoulder, crying out all the stress and insecurities that had lead to his spiral in the first place. It wasn't long before Phil joined in, wrapping an arm around him from the other side, and then came Wilbur, who was practically laying against all three of them as he tried to hug him from where he had been sat.

“It’s a lot of work and it’s a lot of expectations…..y’know I’m just not smart enough to live up to what they want me to do”

The blonde choked out his words, it felt great not to have to hold back his feelings for once, to finally have people who would listen. Really though, they had been there all along, his judgement had just been too clouded that he hadn’t realised.

“Listen Toms”

He heard Phil sigh sympathetically,

“You’re a smart boy, if school is making you feel like this, maybe the way you’re learning is the problem, I know it’s super generic advice but if you can find a teacher you trust you should be able to talk about what alternatives there are. As for expectations, fuck ‘em. You’re doing your own thing and you’re doing it well. You’ve already surpassed everyone's expectations.”

He felt Phil move over so Wilbur could sit with them properly, with pretty much 4 men all sitting on the same section of the bed, it was a squish but they made it work.

“Tommy man, I was a massive nerd in school. I was such a perfectionist that I’d panic about any grade lower than like 95%, I didn’t even have any expectations I was trying to live up to, I just wanted to be the best at everything. Anyway I’ve had more ruts like what you’re going through than I can count so I’m speaking from experience when I say, I promise you it’s gonna be fine. Tommy you’ll be okay”

Tommy didn’t bother replying, he was too choked up from the sheer vulnerability and love that he didn’t want to open his mouth and risk any noise coming out.  

“Big T,” Wilbur chuckled as he practically climbed over Phil to see him properly, “I failed half my GCSE’s and I’m doing great. Try your hardest but if things go tits up just know that you’re life won't just be over”

Tommy just nodded, wiping at his eyes as he leant his head against Techno. For the first time in a long time he felt loved.  

“We actually had a plan.” Wilbur had taken Phil’s spot, on the bed, completely now, and the man was left to crouch next to it. “We’ll clean up in here while you go take a shower and then we can watch Up. We made Techno bring some of those American sweets over and we also got a load from Tesco on our way here. How’s that sound?”

Again, Tommy nodded his head. He was going to be okay.

[twstarchives]

You're translations are great!! I'm grateful for them （^人^) . However, how did you learn japanese if you don't mind me asking? I've been trying to learn but if you can please give me advice, then thank you!! However if you decide to ignore this, it's okay!! Have a nice day!!

Thank you! I’m not sure I’m the best person to give advice because I’ve been v lazy with studying myself 💦 but I will try!

So I used to attend Japanese weekend school when I was younger. That was the only time I’ve actually had structured JP lessons lmao; I’ve tried self-studying/getting tutors since then but in the end I never put in any effort so I just gave up 😔 I learned enough in elementary/middle school that most of it just carried over naturally to this point, but my only reading practice nowadays is Twst LOL and whatever else I surround myself with 💦

I haven’t used much anything other than textbooks & teacher-produced materials for full studying, so I’m sorry I don’t have any tips 🙇‍♀️ but I can compile a list of resources I know:

Puni Puni Japan (short & cute videos on grammar lessons)

Maggie-sensei (written grammar lessons, also very cute)

Rikaikun (chrome extension that brings up kanji readings)

jisho.org (EN/JP dictionary)

kotobank.jp (only JP dictionary)

Another resource I like is DMM Eikaiwa uKnow. This is for Japanese speakers to ask questions about saying things in English, but tbh learning “backwards” like that works wonders for Japanese learners too.

That’s all the online resources I can think of ;v; Here are the academic materials I used at my school as well:

All-Around Learning Textbooks

The #1 I'll always recommend for beginners is the Genki series. I think this is the standard textbook a lot of people use. It has very thorough explanations, the lessons and exercises are straightforward, and it’s easy to complete this and understand by yourself.

I also used these books below ↓ A lot of them were coupled with live teacher lectures, but I’ll try to point out which ones are OK for self-learning.

Japanese for Young People

Minna no Nihongo

Tobira: Gateway to Advanced Japanese

Doraemon no Dokodemo Nihongo

Japanese for Young People For beginners who are just starting out. But not recommended unless you have a tutor helping you. It’s a cute book... it’s geared towards kids though lmao- The instructions for exercises are not always clear, and they would require someone to check your answers. But, if I have any younger followers here / those who do have tutors, this has a more fun approach to learning!

There’s an associated kana workbook in this series; you could get that if you want to practice writing hiragana & katakana but not do the grammar.

↑ There’s another series by the same authors called “Japanese for Busy People” which might be more for adults? Maybe with better explanations? I never used it idk.

Minna no Nihongo I only used the elementary-level (Shokyu) set. If you’re self-studying, you should buy the associated English guidebook which would give you teacher notes & explanations, otherwise you might not be able to understand. The book is the pretty much the same as Genki / Japanese for Young People in terms of content. (I’m still biased towards Genki though).

Tobira: Gateway to Advanced Japanese Mostly in Japanese, no furigana. But, you should be able to understand this if you know all the vocab from Genki 1 and 2. IMMENSELY helpful, the work & concepts are more interesting than the other books I used. But will be a struggle if your reading comprehension is poor. 

Doraemon no Dokodemo Nihongo For intermediate level. Very little instruction + relies on you already having a good grasp on reading. I would choose Tobira over this one once you’re moving on from beginner level, but it’s still a solid resource (plus it has Doraemon 🥺).

Vocab + Reading Comprehension Books

Nihongo Tango Speak Master

Dokkai o Hajimeru Anata e

Nihongo Tango Speak Master A very helpful vocab series. Everything has furigana and English translations. It’s easy to use for self-learners too because it comes with a magic card that hides the answers from you so you can test yourself.

Dokkai o Hajimeru Anata e For semi-beginners. You should have all hiragana/katakana memorized before starting this one- knowing some kanji would be helpful, but there’s furigana for almost everything. This is packed with reading comprehension exercises and is well worth your time if you want to focus on that.

Kanji Memorization Textbooks

Kanji Practice in 15 Minutes a Day

Kanji Look and Learn

Truthfully I don’t have anything to say about these-- they’re all made for the same purpose.

If you decide to use one of the grammar books I listed above, note that most of those also come with kanji workbooks that directly correlate to the vocab used in each lesson too!

[something-tofightfor]

People ask about pet peeves/characterization flaws a lot, but... for each character you’ve written for of Ben’s, what are some essential character traits you go for?

Oh, this is a good one Dani. Under a cut because they got very long. 

Logan: 

All of my Logans feature the essential characteristics that we see in the show - he loves decadence, doesn’t shy away from the fact that he has money, or that he’s in the public eye. To an extent, people play with his honesty - but I think that that’s actually something that a lot of writers ignore, so I definitely don’t. 

But three of the core Logan characteristics that have nothing to do with those things are: 

1. Logan’s never going to make someone feel like shit for being “beneath” him in status, because I truly don’t think that bothers him. There’s no way that all of the people he hooked up with were of the same social class or status as him, and I think it’s really demeaning when people make him out to be a super materialistic asshole. So he won’t shy away from bringing up the finances or living situations of other people, but he won’t ever demean them for it.

2. We see Logan as someone that’s always over the top, but all of my Logans are very reserved when they don’t have to be “on”. I don’t mean boring, but I mean that there’s a very different Logan present when he doesn’t have people’s eyes on him/have  to lead the way. 

3. As a part of his honesty, my Logans always admit their faults. It’s not easy for them to do so, but he knows that there’s only so much you can hide - and when he cares about someone (Reader, Juliet, Em, Mark) he doesn’t want to have to put on a show - so he doesn’t. He doesn’t offer this information freely in many cases, but if you ask, he’ll talk about it. 

 4. Bonus - I think that Logan is always going to find a way to keep himself entertained, and sometimes it has nothing to do with the physical presence of anyone else. I think that he’s very careful and purposeful with what he says - at all times, and will speak to people in certain ways to make every conversation worth his time, even if it’s a meaningless interaction.. 

 Ryan

People are quick to judge Ryan based on his appearance and his lifestyle, but when I write Ryan, I write him as going into every situation knowing that this is going to happen. He’s prepared for it, so it doesn’t shock him. What does shock him is when people don’t do this - like you, in Vegas. 

Ryan cares about authenticity in everything he does, but I think that comes down to the way he treats and asses people, too. He’ll fib and stretch the truth, but he’s not afraid to be honest with people, even when he knows it’s going to hurt them. 

 For me, Ryan’s not as cut and dry as he seems to be. I think people misjudge him a lot, and I try to write him with that duality just below the surface, because he’s so much more than people assume. 

 Benjamin

We see Benjamin’s anxiety, and we see it often, but for me, that anxiety was WORSENED by Julia - and so the more time he spends away from her, the better he’ll get and the less it will impact him. He knows how to control it - and would have HAD to in order to survive, so he just needs that confidence back to really be himself. 

 My Benjamin has a lot more confidence than he lets on - and when he decides something, he sticks to it (like the attraction he felt to Reader in TP wasn’t something he was going to ignore or deny after he realized it, but he was content to let it simmer, because he didn’t want to make waves). He trusts himself, especially now. Benjamin might be British, but he’s not a proper British snob by any means. He doesn’t mind being in situations where things are a little extravagant, but he prefers simple and laid back. He doesn’t speak formally, doesn’t dress formally, even though he’s a little more put together than a lot of other men his age. He’s smart, but he never tries to shove it in people’s faces purposely; it might come out in tiny little pieces - him talking a LOT about a topic he likes, having some obscure piece of knowledge - but he doesn’t do it on purpose.  

 Billy

For me, it really pains me when people say that Billy has no capacity for love - and doesn’t feel it. We see Billy’s emotions throughout, so when I write him, I angle it as for the majority of his life, there were times when he felt love and acceptance and all of those emotions - but didn’t know how to process them or adequately return them. He still isn’t the best at reciprocating emotion, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t feel it - and understand the implications of it.

 Billy might not have had a formal education beyond high school, but that doesn’t make him an idiot. I think his real world experience was a lot more important to him than going to college would have been. He’s street smart and really perceptive, even if not academic. I think he was an overly bright student, and someone that really absorbed knowledge. I always write Billy as very perceptive. 

 I will NEVER write Billy as someone that’s going to go out of his way to spoil people that he barely knows, or even the ones he’s actually with. Yes, he’s got money and he’s going to flaunt it - but he didn’t earn it for other people, he earned it for himself. He’s not going to shy away from buying people presents, but it’s not going to be super expensive all the time - Billy sacrificed for that money, he’s not going to give it away. Anyone that’s WITH Billy that knows his history, too, would accept that. He’ll never skimp out on the things that are important to him (a place to live, bedding, his Rolls, etc) but I’m sorry, for me, Billy isn’t going to buy you a ton of expensive jewelry or flowers once a week or shower you with gifts. That’s fundamentally not who Billy russo is. 

 Caspian 

 Caspian wants to learn and experience things 24/7/365. He likes downtime because it gives him a chance to breathe, but he’s still learning and growing. Caspian learned firsthand how important it is to always be willing and open to suggestions and help and advice from others - and that hasn’t changed since he became King of Narnia. 

 Caspian is very trusting - almost to a fault. He still tries to see the good in people even after they don’t deserve it, but when it gets to the point where that trust is gone? You can’t earn it back. 

 Sam Adams

 Sam’s always going to be a little bit of a rebel with a wild streak in him. No amount of pressed clothes or fancy parties or responsibilities are going to dim that spirit. He’s fought through too much, lost too much, cared too much to turn his back completely on the personality and drive that allowed him to get to where he is. He understands responsibility and that he needs to set an example, but you’re only gonna (at most) get like 90% seriousness from him, and that’s on a good day. This goes with the other one, but Sam is insanely stubborn, and it’s one of his best qualities. He believes in what he does and says, and it takes a lot to get him to change his mind. In some cases, that’s a good thing, because it strengthens his resolve, but in other situations, it makes your life very difficult. 

 Sam has no problem lying and being sneaky to get what he wants  or needs - but he won’t ever outright lie to his wife about important things. Tricks, yes. Sneaky secrets and surprises, of course. But about important or dangerous things? Never.

[mhdiaries]

Classroom Ghoulia Yelps Physical Deaducation Survival Guide

Class Overview

Physical Deaducation is considered a core class at Monster High and as such all students must complete at least four units over the course of their academic career with us. Students who are members of a Monster High athletic team may be exempt although we strongly encourage them to take Phys. Dead as an elective.

As manager of the Fear Squad – yes we are considered part of the athletic department – I am technically a member and would therefore be exempt but I like Phys Dead.

Lecture

Lecture will normally consist of a demonstration of the day’s class activity and a brief explanation of the rules followed by the activity.

Rarely do we engage in an activity that needs to be explained, monsters who want to swim go to the pool, soccer players go outside to the pitch, casketball players go to one end of the gym, and dodge ball players go to the infirmary… that is our name for the place where we play.

Tests/Supplies

Students will be graded on participation and attitude rather than ability.

Students should dress in non-logoed, or Monster High logoed, t-shirts and shorts or sweats. Appropriate athletic footwear is also required for those students that wear shoes.

Poor skills coupled with a good attitude will earn you a better grade than the reverse.

The line about “athletic footwear” is also known as the Clawdeen Wolf Rule. It was instituted not for Clawdeen, whose athletic ability is scarcely affected by participating in platform wedges, but for other monsters that lack her athletic prowess yet try and emulate her style.

Activities 

Casketball

Soccer

Swimming Activities

I will give you some brief, but hopefully helpful pointers on some of the other activities before launching into how to survive the mad, yet scary sweet science of dodge ball. 

Casketball - I enjoy watching the game and have ample opportunity to do so as I am the scorekeeper for the boys’ casketball team when they play at home. It is, however, a bit fast paced for me to play. If you happen to be in a class with either Clawd or Deuce you will want to get on their team if they are playing, as any team they are a member of rarely loses.

Soccer - There always seems to be enough room for any monster that wishes to play. Although soccer is hideously popular I must confess to not being an enthusiast of the sport as it is seemingly fast in pace yet slow in scoring. I do however enjoy watching Clawdeen and her younger sister Howleen play. If they would actually listen to each other they would make a great team but Howleen does not often heed the advice of the more experienced Clawdeen causing them to butt heads at times. 

Swimming Activities - If you are ever in the pool and Frankie Stein happens to walk in the direction of the water, it would be advisable for you to leave the pool as quickly as possible in order to avoid the shock that is about to come. The MH pool seems to exert a strange gravitational pull on Frankie and I have, on more than one occasion, watched her simply fall in even though she was neither jumping nor being pushed. It is certainly a curious phenomenon that deserves to be examined. 

GHOULIA’S GUIDE TO DODGE BALL

WELCOME TO THE INFIRMARY

The infirmary is actually an old batminion court that we have claimed as our arena. We call it “The Infirmary” because we think it is just a scary perfect name for a dodge ball court. I wish there was a more elaborate story behind it but alas there is not. The infirmary has the perfect dimensions for dodge ball and even a small observation area where the eliminated can watch and wait for the next contest to begin. 

It may seem that dodge ball would be a game that zombies would not want to participate in because we are not exactly... speedy. However, after observing the game for a couple of weeks I was able to develop a strategy that, while not always ghoul-proof, allows for even the most athletically challenged to participate and survive against the game’s strongest players. 

PLAYER STRATEGY

Manny Taur - Manny is the classic bully. His game is about intimidation and preying on the weak. He will always attempt to pick off the slower players first and he relishes the opportunity to take out players who are looking the other way. If Manny is taunted he will become so focused on the player who is taunting him that he will become reckless and can be easily eliminated.

Clawd Wolf - Clawd’s combination of leadership skills and athletic ability make him very difficult to eliminate. He knows how to maximize the strengths of his team and expose the weaknesses of his opponents. Clawd also has a scary strong arm and can hit an opposing player from anywhere on the court. Unlike Manny, Clawd will always seek to eliminate the strongest player first, which can leave him vulnerable to an attack from a lesser player.

Deuce Gorgon - It should come as no surprise that Deuce is as quick as a striking snake. You must use multiple players all throwing their balls at once in order to have a chance against him. Deuce does not play often because of his concern that an errant ball will knock off his shades and cause him to accidentally stone another player. 

Heath Burns - Heath is totally unpredictable. I have watched him get eliminated in the first moments of one game only to see him single-handedly eliminate the opposing team in the next. Heath is very distractible though and if he can be caught watching something happening off court he can be taken out. 

Abbey Bominable - Abbey is monstrously strong and never seems to run short or breath. She throws the ball with such velocity that players will move out of the way rather than try and catch it. If Abbey has a weakness it is that she does not completely understand the game and will play hesitant at times. Once she fully learns the game she may be unstoppable. 

Ghoulia left this survival guide in my car after Clawdeen and I took her home from school one day. She left herself off the list of strongest players so I added her.

Ghoulia Yelps - Ghoulia may not move fast but she definitely moves with a purpose. Somehow she always manages to be in the right place at the right time and it’s like she knows that you’re going to do before you do it. Oh, and don’t think she can’t throw the ball either because she can. She may not have the strongest arm but it’s definitely the most accurate. I found that out when I ignored her the first time I played against her and she ended up taking me out. I don’t ignore her anymore cause she’s the first player I pick if I’m the one picking teams. 

Howl at you later,

Clawd Wolf

Faculty

Coaches of the various Monster High athletic teams will be leading the class on a rotating basis until a new Physical Deaducation faculty member is hired.

Our last P.D. teacher had an unfortunate accident while demonstrating the proper way to execute a yoga position called the pit and the pendulum. It is my understanding that he is doing well and is expected to make a full... physical recovery.

[thetypedwriter]

Loveboat, Taipei Book Review

Loveboat, Taipei Book Review by Abigail Hing Wen 

This book is solid. The few people I’ve foisted conversation onto about this book have heard me lavishly declare it to be the YA teenie-bop version of Crazy Rich Asians. 

And while I maintain that my statement above is still true, the book also contained some other elements that either came across as a breath of fresh air or a polluted cloud of toxicity that made me cough and wheeze. 

As for the general synopsis, it’s pretty simple all things considered. You have Ever Wong, a senior who is stressed about college applications, her own future potential, disappointing her parents, and ignoring the unrequited love she has for her best friend’s boyfriend. She also happens to be Chinese-American. 

Ever’s identity as growing up Asian in the predominantly white-as-bread state of Ohio is kicked off quite strongly from the get-go. Ever talks about how the said pining of her best friend’s boyfriend could have not been pining and instead could have been her, but that he was unwilling to put up with her crazy Asian parents and their strict limitations. 

She talks about how her dad, a revered surgeon in Taipei, has been relegated to pushing medical carts in hospitals in the States for the last twenty years as they wouldn’t recognize his medical degree. 

She discusses how she and the only other Aisan kid in her class have an unspoken rule of not looking at each other or calling attention to one another as to not emphasize their Asianness. 

As you can probably tell without having me list off a litany of other examples, this book heavily concentrates on race, identity, family, and self-control. 

At the beginning of the novel, Ever is a shy, timid girl whose willing to give up her dreams of dancing because it’s what's expected of her after all her parents have sacrificed to raise her in America. 

But then her mother sells her black pearl necklace to send Ever to Chien Tan, an immersion program in Taipei where thousands of Asian-American kids are sent for the summer, for the purpose of learning the culture, language, and other specialized skills like Chinese medicine, calligraphy, ribbon dancing and stick fighting. 

Ever is reluctant at first, desperate to stay back and find a way to keep dancing, but as her mother literally throws her leotard in the dumpster, Ever knows it’s a losing battle. 

So she goes. And she is amazingly transformed. 

The rest of the book details Ever’s excursions with finding friends and love, immersing herself in the culture that Taipei has to offer, coming to terms with her own identity and race, growing up, making mistakes, hitting a low point, and then getting back up again to achieve her dreams and fight for what she believes in. 

Now, the highlight of this book is definitely the representation, the talk of race and culture, and the actual experiences of Chien Tan, more commonly referred to by the kids who attend as Loveboat, drawn from the author Abigail Hing Wen herself. 

Loveboat, as they call it, is an actual program that the author Wen and others attended and still attend. It’s obvious just from reading how much of Ever’s experience is drawn from the author’s herself and that IS ALWAYS AN AMAZING THING. 

One of the first pieces of writing advice I Ever (hahahha sorry, not sorry) received was to write what you know. Wen does this and knocks it out of the park. Loveboat comes alive with her writing, flowing from page to page seamlessly. 

She crafts it with such care and consideration that you feel like you’re there yourself, down to what the dorms look like with sticking doors, what they serve for breakfast, and the electives offered for academic selections. All of these little details brought such life and realism to the story and it made it an incredibly engaging read. 

Add on Wen’s real talk of race, racism, identity, and the struggle for identity, and you indeed have a delectable concoction of raw representation from a person of color who has experienced these things first-hand. 

Authors of color and representation in YA of characters of color have improved drastically in the last few years, but it’s still something to be expanded upon, drawn from, and encouraged and explored. 

Wen’s story is almost entirely made of Asian teenagers of differing backgrounds and experiences, and it was honestly so nice to not read about another white girl from a white girl. The story was real and filled with culture and struggle, but also beauty, friendship, and acceptance. 

All of these things hark back to why I call this book solid. 

Now onto why I don’t call this book great. 

I legitimately would have preferred if this book focused more on Ever’s identity as Ai-Mei, her struggle between wanting to be a dancer and not crushing her parents’ soul by rejecting the medical career they so want her to be in, and immersing herself in all the wonderful sights, smells, and experiences Taipei had to offer.

 Of course, love and friendship and drama should play a role, this is YA after all, but personally I felt like the romance dominated the book almost entirely, shoving the questions of race and identity and struggle to the backdrop of a pretty redundant love triangle. 

Which. We’re over the love triangle people, stop writing them. 

But really, I understand that the two don’t need to be mutually exclusive, and oftentimes, Ever’s struggle with her race and identity went hand-in-hand with her struggles for romance, but there was JUST. SO. MUCH. OF. IT.  

It was like an episode of the Bachelor if the Bachelor would stop casting white people as their main lead. Every other chapter was a pretty cliched rendition of some kind of romance trope: the bad boy that draws, the arrogant boy that predictably has a heart, but also a girlfriend, the so-called girlfriend flying out to Taipei, the evil stuck-up girl, literal running into chests moments, shirtless of course, and so many more to offer. 

For an author doing incredible things on the front of representation and real talk about stereotypes, racism, and prejudice, I found her book pretty stereotypical of a YA romance itself. 

There were several plot points that were also just incredibly predictable (the nude photos, my god, saw that from a mile away) that made reading this book just a little bit lackluster when I otherwise was really enjoying it. 

Unfortunately, the biggest turn-off this book had for me other than the recycled plot and the ridiculous, predictable, rampant love triangle were the characters themselves. They all kind of...sucked. 

They aren’t awful, by any stretch of the imagination, but they’re also not special either. Other than the fact that they’re Chinese, Chinese-American, or identify as another minority, and the implicit struggles and nuances that come with it, they were like any other archetypal character that I tend to dislike. 

By that I mean that many of the characters I found extremely one-dimensional. 

Each character had about two things about them that defined their whole characters. 

Now, not to blind you with my nerdiness, but other than books, I also am quite the connoisseur of anime. This book, in a lot of ways, comes across as a printed form of anime to me. 

There is a term in anime called Isekai which roughly translates to “accidental travel” and is saturated with shows all about people falling into magical worlds unpredictably. 

Additionally (stay with me here), anime is also quite infamous for having very archetypal characters where one or two traits dominate their whole being so completely as that is the only thing about them that comes across. 

Loveboat, Taipei in my eyes, is literally a print form of an Isekai. Which is not a compliment.

I really wanted to like Ever, Sophie, Rick, and Xavier, the predominant characters along with a whole cast of others. But I kind of...didn’t. Frankly, there wasn’t much to like or know about them. 

Ever’s character was dominated by her love for dancing and her determination to break from her parent’s protective shell, Sophie was a bossy bitch, Rick was Wonder Boy incarnate, Xavier was brooding and artistic-see where I’m going here?

Even the side characters were all identified by one thing-Marc with politics, Matteo with anger, Benji with being baby-faced. I understand that this is one novel and that it’s extremely hard to flesh out characters and unfold nuances and depth, but I personally found Loveboat, Taipei to be lacking in this quality, exceptionally so. 

Ever especially I found irritating. On some levels, I understand that Wen was trying to depict her as a flawed character who makes mistakes and learns from them, trying to represent the growth of her character and blooming into herself, but more often than not, I found her selfish, immature, and aggravating. 

When you add on that Rick is head-over-heels in love with her (as is Xavier) for reasons that don’t really make sense or are legitimately earned in the story, then the romance feels forced and falls apart, hence me wishing Wen focused more on other elements rather than romance. 

This plot contrivance, everyone, is what I lovingly call Bella Swan Syndrome-when a hot guy or vice versa falls in love with someone who legitimately doesn’t deserve it or the love is inorganic or just flat out doesn’t make sense. 

Wen attempted the whole hate-to-love thing, which I love, but also which I genuinely think failed here due to the romance being subpar and undeserved. 

Combine my lack of any real attachment to any character with the trite that was the romance, but mix it in with the praises above of realism and representation and you end at solid. 

Recommendation: If you are sick of the white people, I hear you. If you’ve been looking for books heavily centered on POC characters or written by authors of color, then I’m with you there as well. This book is a great novel for discussions of race and identity and for those Crazy Rich Asians fans out there. However, do not expect this to be the pinnacle of romance, story, or characterization, which unfortunately, falls below average on this one. 

Score: 6/10

[yeaahishowedupatyourparty]

PARENTHOOD INTERVIEW: Disney.

10 QUESTIONS NOT LINKED TO YOUR KID(S).

what is your current career now? “I guess you’d call it executive, but that’s boring. I’m in the entertainment industry - music and film.” 

are you enjoying it? “Sure.” 

where do you currently live? “New York, and then France throughout the summers.” 

are you married? “I am.” 

what is one thing that’s stayed the same with you since st judes? “I still don’t have the patience for most people.” 

what’s the biggest change you’ve experienced? “I’ve aged, let’s not talk about it.” 

now that you’re older and have had a successful career, what’s your biggest goal in life? “I don’t like this question. I think my whole life has been a goal. I’ve never had specific ones, I just know what I’m working towards. I don’t understand people who just stop and decide they’ve reached a final destination. Surely that’s the equivalent to dying?” 

would you still consider yourself famous? “Yes.” 

what was the first thing you did after your graduation? “We moved to New York because my Dad opened the labels second branch there, and I oversaw it. It’s also where I wanted to be for years. I didn’t want the girls permanently living in the Springs.” 

do you have any regrets about your time in st judes? “No, I did well. I was probably too nice at times.” /LOL

QUESTIONS ABOUT PARENTHOOD.

who are your children? list them in age order. “Good question...Kidding. Fleur, Dixie and then Pippa.” 

if you gave birth, who was the easiest pregnancy? if you didn’t, which pregnancy did you feel most anxious about. “Being pregnant with Pippa exhausted me. I don’t know why. Technically the twins should’ve been harder, but there you go.” 

did you have any baby showers or gender reveals? if yes, what did you do? “I did. Just a party. Not gender reveals though, I feel like very specific families do those and...yeah.” 

what kind of parent would your children describe you as, do you think? “Insane. They’ve said it to my face.” 

which stage was hardest: baby, toddler, child, teenager or young adult? “All of it from being toddlers, up. I feel like they’re babies, they’re so cute, it’s so exciting and then they hit about three and it’s like...well, shit, they’re still here.”

what has been your favourite memory with each child? “Stereotypical things; the birthday parties, Christmases...I think my favourite Christmas was the one where we set up a grotto in our house and they had all of their cousins and close friends over. That was magical.”

be honest, do you think you’ve had any failings as a parent? “No. I’ve made mistakes, sure, but I haven’t failed them.” 

what do you think you do well as a parent? “Honesty. I feel like too many parents try to sugarcoat things for their kids. People used to criticise me for how harsh I was on the twins with things like school and who they hung out with, but at the end of the day, all three of them are successful and have the world at their fingertips now. They understand what it means to work hard and they know how to say no to people or spot “friends” who aren’t actually friends.” 

how much involvement do your own parents have in your child’s life? “A lot.” 

as a parent, what is something you’re still learning? “It’s normal for children to want to follow trends and if they want to ignore me and wear something hideous, that’s on them. I still look great.” 

what’s the funniest memory from parenthood so far? “We’ve had so many. I think people have this idea that our family and household walk around in designer clothes, everything is immaculate and we act like we’re one of the Bridgerton families, but it’s not the case. The girls are hilarious - especially Pippa - and we have enough inside jokes to keep me going into old age.” 

when do you feel like you were needed the most? “The baby years, obviously.”

JUST FOR FUN, WHICH CHILD… if you have just one child, you can just say if they’d do the stuff or not.

which child is the most sensible? “Fleur.” 

which child is the most independent? “That’s tricky because I don’t want to contradict myself in implying that two of them aren’t independent. They all are...I’m going to say Dixie, though. I think she’s the one most likely to get up and do something for herself without even consulting Brody and I.” 

which child did you always have suspicions about being famous one day? “Pippa. That girl’s mind and imagination is something else.” 

which child was the hardest work as a child? “Pippa. Dixie and Fleur were very similar and she was like the little sister who just came ball dozing in and shook up what all of us were used to. Good for her, it was needed.”

which child have you cried/stressed over the most? “Gross. None of them.”

which child has the tidiest room? “Dixie.” 

which child do you think likes you the most? “Fleur.” 

which child is most likely to forget your birthday? “Pippa.” 

which child is/was the most academic? “Dixie.” 

which child is/was the most athletic? “Fleur and Pippa were both pretty sporty.” 

which child tends to be the most annoying? “All three. Fleur is a perfectionist and very precise. She can’t let things go until they’re just so...which is a little like me, I suppose. Dixie’s the whiner. She will wear you down until she gets exactly what she wants and Pippa’s the loud one. She has so much energy and just never stops.” 

which child asks for money the most? “That’s a tie.” 

which child is most likely to move in back home? “Probably Fleur.” 

which child helps out around the house the most? “Dixie...barely....but it’s more than the other two do.” 

which child enjoyed disney the most growing up? “They all liked it but none were obsessed.”

BEING AN ACADEMY PARENT.

did you have a say in the academy(s) your child(ren) picked? “Yes and no. I advised them on which ones to go to and which I personally think are a waste of time and for the most part, they listened.” 

how did you feel when your child decided they wanted to go to an academy? “Fine. I saw it coming.” 

do any of your children study the same as what you did? are they less, equally or more successful than what you were? “None of them act or have anything to do with movies.” 

when your child(ren) were younger, what did you THINK they’d end up working as? “I never really thought about it. I was too busy focusing on them in the present and preparing them for what they needed at the time. I still don’t think about it, but then I suppose we’ve always had the luxury of not having to worry about them being financially stable or anything like that.”

have you met any of your child’s friends or partners? “I’ve met a lot of friends.” 

what’s your biggest worry about your children being in an academy? “There isn’t one.” 

what’s the one piece of advice you’d give your child as they start this journey that you wished you had? “You’re not overrated, they’re just threatened. And for good reason.”

MEMORY LANE.

what tv programmes/films were on repeat as your children were growing up? “I could not get rid of Peppa Pig. That bitch finds her way into every household, I think. I thought the twins would bully Pippa, because her name is so close, and they did but in a shocking twist of events, Pippa embraced it and started acting like her which was awful because that pig is a brat. But, she’d full on snort when she was trying to make a point or copy her laugh and snort afterwards on purpose. I think that’s the closest I’ve ever been to having a parental meltdown.” 

have you ever lost your child/had something happen that’s made you panic? "Pippa again, shocker. We never lost her but she once got her head stuck in a hotel stairwells banister. Don’t ask me how.”

what was the first holiday you went on as a whole family? “We didn’t travel for a while after Pippa was born. I’m so against going to places with newborns. It’s just pointless. Travelling for work is pointless, but the parents who drag their tiny kids to Disneyland or sit on scorching beaches with them are insane. For her fourth birthday, we went to Disneyland Florida, though.” 

can you remember a time you’ve ever been called to the principals office? “Many times, mainly for Dixie and Pippa.” 

say one thing about your child that you think they’d like to hear, but wouldn’t expect you to say. “You’ve done way more than enough to make me proud. For sure.” 

[mbti-notes]

Hello mbti-notes. I'm a very, very unhealthy INTJ. I have come to the realisation that I constantly try to deny and repress my emotional needs whenever I face obstacles in the world. As in, for example, if people find me unattractive, I detach from that triggering context and try to hamper down my need to be loved. If my mother treats me in a nasty way, I detach from her and go on a corner and try to hamper my need to feel approved by her. (continues, this is part 1)

[con’t: If I see that my classmates are better or more competent than me, I avoid contact with them & avoid going to class, and I don’t try harder with the materials or try to be more competent, I repress the need for that as if “I didn’t want it anyway” and “it doesn’t matter”, “makes no difference”, “it’s not meaningful”, but actually, and I can see it now, these things mean the world to me. I notice myself constantly thinking about what people have that I won’t have, like a successful high paying career. I dropped out of law school (I got into a good university) and can’t deal with the fact that I chose to switch to a more low paying, less competitive career to pursue. I feel like this choice was also the same dynamic of me pushing down my need for high achievement in the face of insecurity and obstacles. People around me see me as a wimp, someone who doesn’t contribute, doesn’t take responsibility, doesn’t integrate to the group, honestly it feels like people see me as a child and completely incapable, despite the fact that they do sometimes say I’m very intelligent (they mean academic intelligence, but not “real” intelligence). I feel like people treat me condescendingly and don’t take me seriously. I also feel an utter lack of life direction, I have no goals and no plans, and I’m at a point where I don’t give a sh*t and I’ve been more socially impulsive (like jokester behavior, class clown) and reckless about my reputation, missing deadlines, appointments, loosing track of what’s going on around me and what I need to do. Is this congruent with Fi loop and Se grip? I still don’t see how I can use Ni+Te to grow out of it, I can see it in the abstract, but not concretely.]

No, it is not at all congruent with Fi loop and Se grip, which is why Te is not the solution, in fact, trying to develop Te is very likely to exacerbate the problem. Your thought patterns fit quite perfectly with: unhealthy Ni (faulty/perfectionistic beliefs), overindulgence of Fe (constant focus on impressing/approval, low self-worth, guilt, shame), Ti loop (harmful rejection of feelings, lack of self-awareness, destructive attitude), and Se grip (extreme loss of control, recklessness, superficiality). Why do you believe that you are intj? Did you undergo a proper type assessment? If not, you should. There is a clear warning in the Type Dev Guide that you should not take advice of the wrong type.

Every decision you have made is part of Ti loop in denying your true feelings, to the point that life becomes meaningless, i.e., you must come to reject everything in the world because everything eventually serves to remind you of your “worthlessness”. If you are F, constantly acting contrary to your feelings is the direct road to despair. You don’t understand the difference between feelings and emotions, so you end up ignoring important feelings that would guide you in the right direction and then indulging the resultant negative emotions in the wrong direction. Do you honestly believe that your decisions have been rational? If you are in Ti loop, you will believe it for quite some time, and it will require hitting rock bottom or a personal disaster for you to realize how irrational you’ve really been. You say that you have a need to achieve (Ni), why do you not respect that need and even fail on purpose? You say that you have a need to be loved and approved of (Fe), why do you purposely act in ways that destroy social connection or get disapproval? You keep trying to lay the blame “out there” in how people judge/perceive you when it was actually your own bad decision making all along that brought you here - this is the hallmark of deep-seated Ti loop.

The way to get out of Ti loop is to finally take responsibility for your life instead of blaming something/someone else for your feelings of guilt and failure. Oftentimes, unhealthy INFJs don’t want to try because they are afraid that they’ll fail to live up to their self-imposed “ideal” and then have no excuses left to ward off the shame/guilt that they’re running from. It’s very easy to think highly of yourself when your success/greatness exists only in your own mind and you’re able to fool yourself into believing that it’s the world holding you back (Ni-Ti loop), but it’s hard to keep up the arrogance when you’re constantly slapped with hard evidence of your social failures (Fe-Se reality checks). 

In many ways, you still have the mentality of a toddler. You expect that everything should be like your fantasy, i.e, the one place where you don’t have to feel bad about yourself. You haven’t yet realized that the reason you feel bad is precisely because you wrongly believe that being “special” is the answer to your low self-worth, so you fish for praise/approval by proving your “specialness” in childish ways, only to fail often because your motives are fake or superficial. A truly successful person is HUMBLE and works hard to build a good life for themselves. They don’t waste time thinking about being “special”, rather, they simply work hard to actualize their potential because they want to make the most out of their life. You are arrogant, not humble, because you fear being ordinary/nothing and thus mistake humility for mediocrity. You are obsessed with feeling “better than” because you judge yourself as “less than”. Successful people don’t waste time with these sorts of petty “status” calculations because they’re not chasing empty markers of success to cover up low self-worth.

To find purpose and meaning in life for infjs is a simple matter of nurturing loving relationships and making positive contributions to whatever environment they happen to be in. Perhaps you live in a socially/emotionally harsh environment, which is not your fault, but you can either choose to play the dog-eat-dog game, or you can choose to live a good life for the sake of your own well-being. So far, you seem to keep choosing the former, which means that you must try to be “top dog” in order to call yourself “worthy”. Do you not realize that “worthiness” isn’t about proving yourself better than people? Do you honestly think that something as pure as true happiness can come from something so impure as judging and categorizing people according to their lack of “worth”?

A truly worthy person is one who actually lives a morally good life. Living a morally good life is hard work and it isn’t likely to get you immense praise and recognition. If the only reason you want to be “good” is to alleviate the shame that you feel for low social status, then you’ve missed the point entirely. A mature person takes responsibility for their life by asking themselves what kind of person they want to be and then they work hard to become it. Their sense of good comes from the self and emanates positively out into the world through morally congruent action. An immature person asks what behaviors will get them praise/approval and then they try to be like that (i.e. level 1-2 ego development). Their sense of good is easily twisted and destroyed by social pressures. 

Looping infjs often look down on others for being superficial in craving social status, but it is they themselves who actually care about status the most due to low self-worth - that’s why they must work so hard to convince themselves that they don’t care, which only makes them care even more. Ti loop turns you into a barking hypocrite and that is where the self-loathing actually comes from. You harm yourself by denying yourself and your goodness to chase after feelings of superiority - very common problem among NFs. To chase after feelings of superiority necessitates that you constantly think of yourself as inferior, which makes it impossible to have healthy self-esteem. How can you be happy when you constantly treat yourself so badly? As long as you think in terms of oversimplistic dichotomies of superiority/inferiority or strong/weak, then you also cannot have healthy relationships. Healthy relationships are based on equality between people and mutual respect and appreciation. In short, you sabotage your own happiness with your obsession on being “special” (read: superior), because this makes it impossible for you to develop Fe properly. 

All of your functions need development. Healthy Ni means to always act with your mind attuned to visualizing future implications - yet you choose not to care about the consequences of your decisions nor fight for your future self’s well-being. Healthy Fe means to carve a space for yourself to belong and contribute everywhere you go - yet you choose not to because you can’t tell the difference between praise and love and then chase after the wrong feelings to cover up your insecurities. Healthy Ti means to make rational judgments and decisions according to the facts - yet you stubbornly hang on to faulty beliefs about “how the world works” and even take twisted pride in flouting the rules you don’t like, intent on believing that they don’t apply to you despite negative repercussions. Healthy Se means to adapt well to change by embracing it and making the most of what you have - yet you fear change and run from it with all your life. I’m not a magician, I can’t wave a wand and change you. You can’t depend on others to tell you what to do. You have to commit yourself to being a better person and make better decisions by making better use of your functions, starting from top to bottom, because you care about living life well for your own sake.

**If you suffer from serious depression and/or anxiety and it hampers your ability to live life normally, I strongly suggest that you get professional help.

[arcticdementor]

You know what America needs? More mirrors for princes—the Renaissance genre of advice books directed at statesmen. On the Right, we have many books that identify, and complain about, the problems of modernity and the challenges facing us. Some of those books do offer concrete solutions, but their audience is usually either the educated masses, who cannot themselves translate those solutions into policy, or policymakers who have no actual power, or refuse to use the power they do have. Scott Yenor’s bold new book is directed at those who have the will to actually rule. He lays out what has been done to the modern family, why, and what can and should be done about it, by those who have power, now or in the future. Let’s hope the target audience pays attention.

The Recovery of Family Life instructs future princes in two steps. First, Yenor dissects the venomous ideology of feminism, which seeks to abolish all natural distinctions between the sexes, as well as all social structures that organically arise from those distinctions. Second, he tells how the family regime of a healthy modern society should be structured. By absorbing both lessons and applying them in practice, the wise statesman can, Yenor hopes, accomplish the recovery of family life. (Yenor himself does not compare his book to a mirror for princes; he’s too modest for that. But that’s what it is.)

…

You will note that this is a spicy set of positions for an academic of today to hold. You will therefore not be surprised to learn that Yenor was the target of cancel culture before being a target was cool. He is a professor of political philosophy at Boise State University, and in 2016, in response to Yenor’s publication of two pieces containing, to normal people, anodyne factual statements about men and women, a mob of leftist students tried to defenestrate him. Yenor was “homophobic, transphobic, and misogynistic.” (We can ignore that the first two of those words are mostly content-free propaganda terms designed to blur discourse, though certainly to the extent they do have meaning, that meaning should be celebrated—I would have given Yenor a medal, if I had been in charge of Boise State.) They didn’t manage to get him fired (he has tenure and refused to bend), but the usual baying mob, led by Yenor’s supposed peers, put enormous pressure on him, which could not have been easy. He still teaches there; whether it is fun for him, I do not know, but it certainly hasn’t stopped him promulgating the truth.

…

Yenor begins by examining the intellectual origins of the rolling revolution, found most clearly within twentieth-century feminism. One service Yenor provides is to draw the battle lines clearly. He does this by swimming in the fetid swamps of feminism; I learned a lot I did not know, although none of it was pleasing. He spends a little time discussing so-called first-wave feminism, but much more on second-wave feminists, starting with Simone de Beauvoir, through Betty Friedan, and into Shulamith Firestone, this latter a literally insane harridan who starved herself to death. The common thread among these writers was their baseless claim that women had no inherent meaningful difference from men, and that women could only be happy by the abolition of any perceived difference. This was to lead to self-focused self-actualization resulting in total autonomy, and a woman would know she had achieved this, most often, by making working outside the home the focus of her existence. Friedan was the great popularizer of this destructive message, of course, which I recently attacked at length in my thoughts on her book The Feminine Mystique.

…

After this detailed examination of core feminist ideas, Yenor suffers more, slogging through the thought about autonomy of various two-bit modern con men, notably Ronald Dworkin and John Rawls. He analyzes the dishonest argumentative methods of all the Left, in general and in specific with regard to family topics—false claims mixed with false dichotomies and false comparisons, what he calls the “liberal wringer,” the mechanism by which any argument against the rolling revolution is dishonestly deconstructed and all engagement with it avoided. The lesson for princes, I think, is to not participate in such arguments, and to remember what our enemies long ago learned and put into practice—that power is all.

Yenor describes how the modern Left (which he somewhat confusingly calls “liberalism,” but Rawls and his ilk are not liberal in any meaningful sense of the term, rather they are Left) uses the law to achieve its goal of the “pure relationship,” meaning the aim that all relationships must be ones of free continuous choice, that is, without any supposed repression. This leads to various destructive results when it collides with reality, including the reality of parent-child bonds, and more generally is hugely destructive of social cohesion. From this also flow various deleterious consequences resulting from ending supposed sexual repression; this section is replete with analysis of writings from Michel Foucault to Aldous Huxley, and contains much complexity, but in short revolves around what was once a commonplace—true freedom is not release from constraints, but the freedom to choose rightly, to choose virtue and not to be a slave to passions, and rejection of this truth is the basis of many of our modern problems.

…

Finally, Yenor turns to what should be done, which is the most noteworthy part of the book. As he says, “Intellectuals who defend the family rightly spend much time exposing blind spots in the contemporary ideology. All this time spent in the defensive crouch, however, distracts them from thinking through where these limits [i.e., the limits Yenor has just outlined in detail] point in our particular time and place. Seeing the goodness in those limits, it is necessary also to reconstruct a public opinion and a public policy that appreciates those limits.” Thus, Yenor strives to show what a “better family policy” would be.

This is an admirable effort, but I fear it is caught on the horns of a dilemma. The rolling revolution does not permit any stopping or slowing; much less does it permit any retrenchment or reversal. Our enemies don’t care what we think a better family policy would be. And if we were to gain the power to implement a better family policy, by first smashing their power, there is no reason for it to be as modest as that Yenor outlines—rather, it should be radical, an utter unwinding of the nasty web they have woven, and the creation of a new thing. Not a restoration, precisely, but a new thing for our time, informed by the timeless Old Wisdom that Yenor extols. The defect in Yenor’s thought, or at least in his writing, is refusing to acknowledge it is only power that matters for the topics about which he cares most. But presumably the future princes at whom this book is aimed will know this in their bones.

Yenor himself doesn’t exactly exude optimism. Nor does he exude pessimism, but he begins by telling us that “we are still only in the infancy” of the rolling revolution. This seems wrong to me; in the modern age, time is compressed, and fifty years is plenty of time for the rolling revolution, a set of ideologies based on the denial of reality, to reach its inevitable senescence, when reality reasserts itself with vigor. This is particularly true since every new front opened by the revolution is more anti-reality, more destructive, and more revolting to normal people, who eventually will have had enough, and the sooner, if given the right leadership.

…

For most purposes, what Yenor advocates would be a restoration of family policy, both in law and society, as it existed in America in the mid-twentieth century. I’m not sure that’s going back far enough for ideas. You’re not supposed to say it out loud, and Yenor doesn’t, but it’s not at all clear to me that even first-wave feminism had any virtue at all. To the extent it is substantively discussed today, we are given a caricature, where the views of those opposed to Mary Wollstonecraft or John Stuart Mill are not told to us, rather distorted polemics of those authors about their opponents are presented as accurate depictions, which is unlikely, and even those depictions are never engaged with. But we know that most of what Mill said about politics in general was self-dealing lies that have proven to be enormously destructive, so the presumption should be that what he said about relations between men and women was equally risible.

…

Penultimately, Yenor addresses such new frontiers being sought by the rolling revolution, with the implication that the rolling revolution might, perhaps, be halted. Here he talks about the desire of the Left to have the state separate children from parents, particularly where and because the parents oppose the revolution, but more generally to break the parent-child bond as a threat to unlimited autonomy. He says, optimistically, “No respectable person has (yet) suggested that parents could be turned in for hate speech behind closed doors.” But this has already been proven false; Scotland is on the verge of passing a new blasphemy law, the “Hate Crime and Public Order Law,” and Scotland’s so-called Justice Minister (with the very Scots name of Humza Yousaf) has explicitly noted, and called for, entirely private conversations in the home that were “hate speech” to be prosecuted once the law is passed. A man like that is beyond secular redemption, yet he is also a mainline representative of the rolling revolution. The reality is that discussion does not, and will never work, with these people, only force. Still trying, Yenor presents a balanced picture to his hoped-for audience of princes, such as discussing when state interference in the family makes sense (as in cases of abuse). However, such situations have been adequately addressed in law for hundreds of years; the rolling revolution is not a new type of such balancing, but the Enemy. Discussions about it will not stop it. No general of the rolling revolution will even notice this book, except in that perhaps some myrmidons may be detached from the main host to punish Yenor, or to record his name for future punishment.

Yenor ends with a pithy set of responses to the tedious propagandistic aphorisms of the rolling revolution, such as “Feminism is the radical notion that women are human beings.” And, laying out a clear vision of a renewed society based on the principals he has earlier discussed, he tells us, “In the long term, the goal is to stigmatize the assumptions of the rolling revolution.” No doubt this is true; cauterizing the societal wound where the rolling revolution will have been amputated from our society will be, in part, accomplished by stigmatizing both the ideas and those who clamored for them or led their implementation. How to get to that desirable “long term,” though, when their long term is very clear, and very different from the long term Yenor hopes for? He says “Prudent statesmen must mix our dominant regime with doses of reality.” Yeah, no. Prudent statesmen, the new princes, must entirely overthrow our dominant regime, or not only will not a single one of Yenor’s desired outcomes see the light of day, far worse evils will be imposed on us. Oh, I’m sure Yenor knows this; it’s the necessary conclusion of Yenor’s own discussion of those eagerly desired future evils. He just can’t be as aggressive as me. I’m here to tell you that you should read this book, but amp up the aggression a good eight times—which shouldn’t be a problem, especially if you have children of your own, whose innocence and future these people want to steal.

[abri-chan]

"To fully know them you probably would need to immerse yourself in their personal life too: what mentors do they have, what classes do they take, what friends, and so on… " you don't see how creepy this is? you're essentially patterning yourself out of how you perceive someone is. how insecure can you get? there's no magical formula to being a better writer. you're just looking for shortcuts so you can avoid the hard work of writing and reading and be validated for it.

Did your even read the whole post?

I didn't mean stalk someone. I meant mentors matter. For example, there are some nice classes I have been suggested at my university where the professors really give good insights on how to write short stories? Not everyone has access to it, unless they attend the same university. So the shortcut would be: maybe one could share an online version of that class, if it exists, or the books read for it. I will not back down from the position that mentors are important, bc good mentors make you passionate about things in the first place.

Friends also matter: it's easier to get an answer from someone that already knows the answer. Especially if you surround yourself with people that are diverse and with whom you can have interesting conversations. You can be smart and creative, and be surrounded by people that don't appreciate your ideas and that will drain you.

You are saying history of art and autobiographies do not matter; bc it is creepy to know what mentors or friends some famous writer or artist had? You do realize many good writers have a circle of other good writers... And you can learn from tracking down writers of a similar genre... That's why references are also provided in books.

Excuse while I track what writers inspired my favorite writers. Also excuse me while I look to surround myself with people that have interesting ideas or try to find mentors that rekindle your passion. That was creepy of me to suggest.

Anon, I think you are either naive or disengenious. The original post never suggested I don't do the hard work of reading and actually writing: I was suggesting I share a list of books I really like or series that I found interesting. And how can you ask to validate your writing is there's no such writing to begin with? Everyone knows you need to read and write. What I'm suggesting-- shocker-- is to be smart about it. Yes shortcuts are the key to improving fast.

You take shortcuts already when you read a book bc someone else has already done the hard work of constructing a type of narrative you can learn from. When someone you trust, and especially someone who's knowledgeable in the field (like a mentor), suggests you good books to read, that's a shortcut. Having access to good education is a shortcut.

I'm here suggesting how to be fast about improving in writing, and according to you we should all read and write. We know that... Everyone knows that! But forgive me for suggesting how to be smart about it.

Next time, read the whole post before sending me asks like these. I hope you got your validation-- of telling us the basic advice that every writer knows.

---

Also I'm stalking Asimov from beyond the grave, how insecure can I get??? I also tracked the academic genealogy of my current research advisor-- lock me up.

---

I'd like to see your writing anon. Because for mine I can definitely compare how it changed when I got suggestions from a few people I trusted to give me good advice. I went from 'I write like I was someone living 100 years ago' to 'actually good' in a single fic. From my first try at writing ever to my second try. Hard work my ass-- shortcuts are hard work someone has already done for you: that's why books and education exist in the first place-- it's curated hard work of previous generations or other people. You can work as hard as you want and not improve, if you do the same mistakes over and over again.

Also instead of preaching to others from behind an anon shield, all my writings are up for the world to see. Since according to you I'm asking validation for anything but actual writing. I'm not taking down older writings bc I want everyone to see how I improved-- that's the purpose of having an archive of your writing. You could've at least searched if I write at all before preaching to me how I need to write to get better at writing.

I’m giving advice for free on my own blog-- I’m not selling a book on how to write, and not making money out of this shit. If you don’t like what I say, ignore it and walk away instead of preaching to me how to actually be a writer. I’m a stem student, I approach writing like engineering. There’s no magic formula for being a good engineer either but there are tricks and principles--there are such things when it comes to writing as well--you may mostly learn them subconsciously, but you do. The goal of a good education in creative writing, I suppose, would be to teach you some of these on a conscious level (I don’t have a degree in it, so I’m saying I suppose that to be the case). 

But overall, did I say it was my opinion, on my blog, about how I go about my own writing and maybe I wanted to provide some insights to others? If it doesn’t work for you, go become your own writer.

[fursasaida]

Do you have any advice for someone who loves learning and reading about all kinds of stuff but isn't academically trained to understand lots of things? Tbh, I'm curious about everything but I feel stupid when I read things I don't understand right away. It's like I lack critical thinking which makes me endlessly sad because that's something I'd like to develop but idk how. It feels like I passively absorb info, and even the things I understand, I tend to forget or don't know how to articulate :(

I think it would help if I had a concrete example or some more details about what exactly you’re struggling with, but I can offer some general thoughts. (I’m procrastinating on some research by answering this, so it got long. If anything needs clarifying, feel free to come back and let me know.)

“I feel stupid when I read things I don’t understand right away.”

I think it’s very important to understand that being smart or being stupid are phrases so broad they barely mean anything. Understanding a text right away means you have certain skills and knowledge that enable you to do that. It says nothing about your potential to develop those skills and that knowledge base.  I am very good at understanding texts, which means people say that I am “smart” because that skill is valued in a particular way. If you asked me to plow a field I would suddenly be “too stupid” to do it, because I do not have the skills and knowledge. But I could learn them!

And for that matter, even if you never become someone who “gets” texts right away, so what? A lot of people could stand to slow down, if you ask me.

This brings me directly to:

“It’s like I lack critical thinking”

That feeling of running into a wall is actually one of the best tools you could have for thinking critically. Many, many, many people who easily understand academic/analytical writing fail to question what they read, precisely because they can just sort of gulp it down. If you are getting snagged on what someone is saying, it’s not because you are incapable of grasping the Expert Truth they are conveying; it’s because on some level you disagree, or don’t share the worldview that underlies their thinking. (Or also, and this option is not always given enough credence, because they’re a bad writer. [Coughs in Donna Haraway’s direction])

This is true even, or especially, if what’s snagging you is that you don’t understand what they’re saying. This is because in their writing they have assumed their readers share a lot of contextual knowledge and assumptions. That’s not bad in itself; if everybody stopped to fully explain every single term, connection, and assertion in everything they wrote, shit would be impossible. But I want to emphasize that if you happen to fall outside the bounds of those assumptions, it not only does not mean you are stupid, it means you are especially well equipped to question and criticize them--so long as you do the work to understand them, in good faith.

(I add that last corollary because there is a problem where people don’t bother to understand where things are coming from before attacking them, and that’s not useful to anyone. But clearly you are not one of these people. I’d like to encourage you to consider these “I don’t get it” moments not as reasons to give up but as a genuinely good starting point for developing the critical skills you so badly want to have.)

An author makes a statement. The statement doesn’t make sense to you. Why not? Are there words you don’t know? Look them up. Look up their etymology, or examples of their being used in sentences, if you need more than the definition is giving you. Is it the content of the statement itself? Then clearly the author and you are coming at whatever the subject is with different background information and assumptions. (This is still true if it’s a subject you know nothing about! That’s a prime example of coming at it with different assumptions. The author assumes a lot of things about the world that you don’t, because you haven’t learned them.) The important question is not What’s wrong with me that I don’t share this author’s assumptions? Rather, the question is Can I figure out what is behind this author’s statement? And once you arrive at some idea about the answer to that, the task is not necessarily to bring yourself into agreement with it, but to decide whether you think it makes sense or not.

This is where an example would be helpful, because “figure out what the underlying assumptions are” is very vague and I’m sure you’re sitting here like, “Oh, sure, just like that.” So, to start with: The things that pull you up short are the things you should ask questions about. What is it in my understanding of the world that makes this statement not make sense? (One way to look at this is: is there a different but related statement that does make sense to me? What’s different between the two, and why does it make such a difference to me?) What would I have to believe, or assume, for the statement to make sense to me? Why did this person mention this example and not those, and can I interpret this choice as something that makes sense to me? Or as a clue that reveals something about where this text is coming from?

And to be clear, when I say “underlying assumptions,” I don’t mean that this only/always means sussing out bias or prejudice in the usual way those words are used. I also mean the things that author learned in their field before writing the text, which you have not. Like, a lot of what I write now depends on the assumption that there is a difference between “absolute space” and “place.” You might have to read up on that a bit to know what I’m saying at a given moment because you aren’t specialized in what I’m specialized in. You might then decide you think this distinction is bollocks! Reading up on it isn’t necessarily just to get you to agree with me. It’s to get you to where you can make an informed decision about agreeing or not.

Often the biggest assumptions lie in the simplest statements. I’m reading about the Cold War a lot right now. If someone says, for example, “The Cold War was the dominant structure of international politics between 1945 and 1989,” this seems very obvious and straightforward. It’s a basic statement of what most people mean when they refer to “the Cold War” at all. It’s “a historical fact,” a piece of information for those interested in history to “absorb.” But there are a lot of questions worth asking about this! Are we sure there was only one, singular (“the”) Cold War? Was it really “the dominant structure” for everyone, everywhere, that whole time? What is a “structure” and what makes one “dominant”? Are we completely sure about those start and end dates, and do they apply everywhere?

Now one can imagine that if I were to ask all these questions of someone who referred to the Cold War this way in a dinner conversation or something, I might appear very ignorant--or “stupid.” But being critical means not accepting things at face value. I may know perfectly well exactly what this person is referring to, but if I want to question the assumptions built into that reference, I have to ask about things that are “obvious” or “well known.”

The good news is that when you’re reading a text, you don’t have to worry about other people at the table judging you. It sounds like right now you are doing that to yourself, and I would very much like to encourage you not to. Having “dumb” questions is being critical. The only difference between “I don’t understand this sentence about the Cold War” and “I have a critique of this sentence about the Cold War” is that in the first case, I have questions about the sentence; in the second case, I have developed answers to my own questions about the sentence. But both of them involve looking at the sentence and saying “this doesn’t add up to me.”

Criticism is a process. Developing expertise does mean getting to a point that you don’t need to do extensive research every time you read or criticize something, but there will always be new things you don’t understand and have to put in the work to be able to critique. The vast majority of ~inspiration~ among academics, if you read/listen to them talking about their research projects, comes out of bumping up against something they don’t understand and just not being satisfied until they could account for it. That could be anything from the way the word “democracy” was used in the Iran-Contra hearings to the everyday social fact that women are routinely expected to have longer hair than men in much of the United States.

So. You are actually in a great place to get better at this, because everybody who is seriously and honestly trying to be critical has to start from making the obvious not-obvious--from not understanding something.

That brings me to the last thing I want to address:

“It feels like I passively absorb info, and even the things I understand, I tend to forget or don't know how to articulate.”

Criticism, or just--learning--isn’t just a process; as what I was saying about academics above already suggests, it’s a project. This is not only true of academics. Plenty of people who aren’t academics do research or study things on their own just because they’re interested. But the kernel of that interest is a desire to understand something, whether it’s for a practical purpose or not. Maybe you’re teaching yourself to sew and having a lot of trouble with a particular stitch, and you want to figure out if that stitch is standard because it’s actually the most functional or if there’s some other reason, which would mean you could use something different. Or maybe you just really want to know what’s up with sea turtles. Either way, there is something you want.

I think if you identify specific questions about or interests in the world and pursue those, you will have an easier time building these skills and retaining information. (This doesn’t mean you have to give up your general curiosity! Just that at any given time, you are focusing on a few specific things.) Information sticks with us because it’s useful somehow. If your goal isn’t just “know things” but “figure out this thing, specifically” then information about that thing has an actual use for you. So think about something that you’ve had a lot of trouble understanding and that you want to understand--not because you feel like you’re supposed to, or because you feel ashamed that you don’t, but because you want answers to your questions. Your project is now satisfying that curiosity.

I find the more I think about a question I have, the more I start to see information that’s applicable to it popping out of the world all around me, everywhere, even when I’m not actively “working on it.” And I remember those things because they are not just “information.” They are of significance to something I am trying to do, which is answer the question. And that question is not assigned to me by anyone else, not even the author of a text I don’t understand. I can only assign it to myself (I have to want to understand that text!).

And you can support this with the way you read! Reading is interactive (yes, even when it’s just you and a page and you’re not making any noise). The more you approach it that way, the more you will retain of what you read--even if you end up disagreeing with it--because you are not trying to be a container for information to fill, which is absolutely bound to leak. Instead you are looking for things that are useful to you, which may or may not be findable in the text you are currently reading. You are not a receiver. You are a spelunker.

So what does it mean to read interactively? It can mean almost anything. For people like me, it often means a lot of making notes, annotations, and so on (the physical act of annotating a text does a lot to help me retain things, for example). I have files upon files of notes and quotes and outlines from different research projects. I write out paragraphs of musings to try to articulate how my questions are shifting as I learn, or what exactly the thing I’m struggling with is. (You mentioned struggling to articulate; writing things out for yourself is one way to practice at this. So is bouncing things off a friend, which I also do a lot.) But it doesn’t have to look like this.

If you are pursuing an interest, then ultimately what you’re doing ought to be pleasurable. (I don’t mean that it should make you jump for joy every second, but the feeling of making progress toward a goal, even if a particular step is unpleasant, is still pleasurable.) If “taking notes” for you looks like drawing, then great. I once outlined a paper by drawing it as a floor plan for a two-story house. I make research playlists that I consider to be functionally identical to syllabi. I have tagged collections on this tumblr that represent some of my thinking through one set of questions or another. What I’m trying to get at is that in working to answer your own questions, you are not just abstractly trying to “understand” something, which miraculously happens or doesn’t depending on whether your mind is ~good enough~ to receive the Content. You are interacting with statements, pieces of information, images, texts, etc., which you are collecting and arranging and rearranging in order to try to reach a place where you’re satisfied. All of that is part of the process of “understanding,” and if you’re genuinely interested in that process, then the work involved shouldn’t feel like homework. So the literal things you do as part of it don’t have to be similar to schoolwork, if those kinds of things are boring or painful or just unhelpful to you. Do whatever! You’re in charge!

So, to summarize all of this: I think the first thing you need to do is think of yourself not as ignorant, stupid, or uneducated, but as someone who is actively wanting and trying to engage and learn about the world. This is admirable! This is exciting! Thus your goal is not to “absorb” information to make up some deficit, or to become some other, “smarter” person who would understand things the first time you look at them. Your goal is simply to answer your own questions about the world. From that point of view, not-understanding is not a problem. It’s necessary. It’s where the questions come from. If you have to answer a lot of sub-questions along the way--if it takes you weeks to really get what a single essay is saying--this does not say anything bad about you. It just means you’re doing the damn thing. But in order to succeed at it, you do need to have some motivation; it needs to mean something to you. (One of the biggest tricks the devil ever pulled was the idea that inquiry could ever possibly be impersonal.) And whatever that personal meaning is is good enough, I promise.

[me-is-an-intj]

An INTJ's advice to the Intuitives

(Disclaimer: Not all of my advice will apply to all of the people of whatever type I'm speaking to at the moment, it's just a trend I've noticed in my intuitive friends.)

INFJ: You guys have a very fine line between being completely self absorbed, or caring for others so much that your own health suffers. You gotta learn how to be balanced, my dudes.

ENFJ: You're um... A bit bad when it comes to dealing with your own feelings. I know you hate to hear this, but try to think about things objectively before acting on your emotions. Or, have your favorite NT do it for you!

ENFP: You need a little bit of help putting things in perspective for yourselves when things start going bad. You tend to get caught up in an attitude of self pity, and while this can be healthy in regards to venting, it's bad when that's all you can think about. Just remember that things could always be worse, and not everyone is purposely going out of their way to make you miserable. Sometimes people are really just that ignorant of the effect they might have in your life.

INFP: Similar to ENFPs, you guys tend to get caught up in your own feelings when things happen. I've also noticed that you tend to take things very personally, and then just bottle it all up inside, and it's just not healthy (I know that's rich coming from the type that are easily the champions of bottling up emotions, but hear me out). Just try to remember that 9 times out of 10, someone isn't trying to offend you. Try to think of things from different perspectives before getting upset about something.

ENTJ: Even if you don't agree with someone's opinion, try to hear them out. Even if you maintain your own opinion, sometimes seeing things from someone else's point of view can be useful and help improve your own opinion.

INTJ: What can I say? We're perfect. Totally don't have any problems that we have to deal with, we're completely emotionless robots and okay by this time the other types have stopped reading so now I get to say that it's okay if you open up to someone every once in a while. I know it's difficult, and letting someone actually hear how you feel is almost like just opening your chest and inviting someone to stab you in the heart, but it's okay, and it's not always going to end badly.

ENTP: If you guys keep procrastinating like you do, it's eventually going to catch up with you. I'm just saying. Like, honestly I admire your ability to completely fake your way through your entire academic life, but just be careful because if you don't keep it in check, it could seriously be bad for you guys.

INTP: Remember that emotions aren't bad, and that you should care about other people's emotions. I hate stereotypes, but this is something that I've noticed in a lot of INTPs that are purposely trying to stick to the internet's stereotype of INTPs, and it's not healthy for anyone involved. You guys are intelligent, funny, good people, so don't let a stereotype define who you are.