#YES. i am aware that's ALWAYS how they saw it. but it just hits different to be DIRECTLY TOLD YOU ARE RIGHT

[uncanny-tranny]

The most recent thing to have further radicalized me was the insult of being directly told that healthcare, transportation coverage, and a potential retirement plan were as much a benefit to my employer's eyes as a free fucking t-shirt. A t-shirt.

[tommykinard6]

Should I be eating and resting? Yes. Am I? No, so come join me for a dissertation on Tommy Kinard being lonely.

Edit to add a note since I saw a reblog about it: Tommy has no canonical age right now and Lou is 39, 40 later this year, so that is my basis for saying he’s 39.

Now when I say lonely, I don’t mean that he has no one whatsoever. I can picture him going for drinks with his team or having some Muay Thai buddies that he could call up if he really was inclined. Maybe an old army buddy or two.

But there’s something about Tommy that’s just achingly lonely, both when he was at the 118 and now at Harbor.

Tommy had a broken home, or some other kind of unstable childhood. Maybe his parents split, maybe he was mistreated, maybe he was in the system or was passed around family members. Maybe he was isolated as a child because he was a little overweight (I think Lou said something along those lines) and was bullied. I think Tommy didn’t really have any friends until high school, when puberty hit and maybe he started working out and probably joined the football team. I don’t know if anyone remembers what teenage boys are like, but I can imagine they were the same as they are today back in the 90s/early 00’s. Because around this time, Tommy might’ve started to realize that something was very different about him.

Now this isn’t a meta about how I think Tommy dealt with his sexuality (maybe I’ll do one of those later) but I think he never would’ve risked his football friends knowing even if he himself could acknowledge it, which I doubt. So he messed around, got in trouble with these guys, hung out with the bros, and pretended to be interested in girl talk.

Of course, eventually, his buddies all got girlfriends and he was always the odd one out again.

He didn’t do college. The army was his next step. And I feel like this might have been the first time in his life he wasn’t lonely. He’d learned to blend in by this point and he worked with some great people. But as he started making real friends for the first time, he also started losing them as the war tore them away.

Tommy left the army and joined the fire department. There was an aching hole where the camaraderie of the army had filled previously and with no education beyond a high school diploma, Tommy thought the fire department would replicate that. Not the police though. He’d had enough of guns.

(And ohhhh now so many ideas on his thoughts during the sniper)

But he ended up at the 118 and quickly realized that his team had maybe more of a DADT stance than the army. He realized that he had to put on an elaborate act to fool his fellow firefighters, who had more time on their hands and more prejudice they were willing to wield to pick apart his life. Tommy, who maybe had only just started to acknowledge he felt differently about guys with less panic than before, had no choice but to backslide. He acted and acted and crafted a person he wasn’t until the day that maybe he was. Sal was his closest buddy at the 118 and Tommy had no doubt that Sal would be one of the first to make his life hell. Gerrard seemed to look at Tommy as some sort of mentee. Boxed in by two notorious bigots, Tommy had never felt more claustrophobically alone.

Chim was the first one to reach out a hand of friendship, or at least the first one that didn’t come with caution tape, but he was also an “other” and Tommy, who was confused and afraid and had just had his captain call his bluff on his fake girlfriend, lashed out. Then he allowed Chim in and Chim wasn’t interested in being besties but he was a great drinking buddy and movie buddy and Tommy felt safest around him.

Then Hen came and Tommy watched her get the same treatment he was afraid of. Not that he had to worry about the racism, and he was aware of the privilege, but Hen didn’t exactly hide herself and he watched them bully his lesbian coworker. He let himself get pulled into it all and hated himself for it, but was too cowardly to break away from it. He wasn’t sure why Hen had forgiven him, but she became the only other person on shift he felt even a little safe around other than Howie. But then Chimney and Hen became best friends and Tommy fell to the wayside. They still included him, sure, but they were always a pair and there was something there that Tommy didn’t know but longed for. A closeness he’d never felt.

A best friend. A juvenile idea to him, but one he’d never truly had.

Then Gerrard was gone and Sal got transferred and the 118 moved forward under Captain Nash, but Tommy felt left behind, even in what was the most united A shift team yet. Because he was over 30 and was starting to be unable to ignore everything that he’d had to hide under Gerrard, as he no longer had a distraction from it.

He’d been a pilot in the army, so he transferred to Harbor. And Harbor was great. He wasn’t best buds with anyone (he was starting to think that was never in the cards for him) but his team didn’t carry the same baggage that the 118 had.

So Tommy started to come to terms with himself. He started to date for the first time and came out to his team. And he had several boyfriends, but most couldn’t handle the job or his baggage or the desperate need he had to be wanted. His most long term partner cheated and the one he fell hardest for couldn’t deal when Tommy was injured on the job. Even within his own relationships, he felt like he was destined to stand alone.

Tommy was 39 years old and alone, as always, when Chimney walked back into his life, dragging an adorable and also extremely hot blonde and a stoic brunette that radiated ex military in a way only ex military could know. And then Hen was there and they were trying to rescue their captain and his wife and they clearly loved each other fiercely and like family.

And as Tommy listened, flying through the remnants of a cat 5 hurricane, he thought to himself that he should’ve never left. Simply just never found himself if only that meant being part of the family the 118 was now. However, he knew deep down that he still would’ve been alone and on the outside.

And they rescued the survivors and Tommy thought that was it but then Eddie wanted to hang out. And they liked the same things and had similar experiences and Tommy couldn’t help the hope. Because the loneliness had grown stifling and now he could breathe a little. And then Evan, the cute blonde, wanted a tour of the hanger and he thought that maybe he was being hit on.

And then at the end of it all, Tommy was left realizing that he’d wedged himself between two best friends and that was what happened when he allowed himself to hope. So he went to Evan to apologize. He would get Evan and Eddie to talk to each other and then would fade into the background.

But then Evan was sweet and apologetic and told him that he was part of the 118 family simply by helping them. Tommy couldn’t help it. Here he was, at 39, with a little boy still waiting inside of him to be soothed. And Evan was hot and sweet and Tommy couldn’t help himself.

And he really liked Evan. Evan was adorable. But their first date didn’t go as planned and Tommy knew he was already whipped. So he removed himself before someone could get hurt. Evan deserved better and so did he, even if the loneliness was stifling again.

But then Evan texted him and looked at him with sparkling blue eyes over too sweet coffee and wanted him. Him. He wanted Tommy and to have something with Tommy and he wanted him to come to his sister’s wedding with him.

And Tommy looked at him and saw someone who could finally fill the ache he’d felt his whole life. He saw a man who he knew he wanted to take a chance with. All he had to do was jump.

And he did.

And it wasn’t solved, not immediately and never fully. Too many wounds were left gaping for too long to ever heal. But for the first time in his life, at 39, with the 118 surrounding him and Buck as the sunshine at his side, Tommy finally felt at peace.

[puckpocketed]

ok the stick story is this

according to The Hockey Media, who as we know do not actually follow any teams closely so know NOTHING, ovechkin was finally hit by father time. he's finally slowing down. he's a shell of his old self. he has old man syndrome. blah blah blah

as a caps fan, i know that this is false, because our russian machine never break. he's a freak. who btw had like 13 goals disallowed or something crazy like that in the first half of last season but i digress

gee i wonder why ovechkin's goals went down? is it because his longtime center and future hall of famer nicklas backstrom retired in all but name? is it because our other top 6 center in evgeny kuznetsov had by far the worst season of his career (from point a game to not even half a point a game) and then went into the player's assistance program before being traded to the canes and then bolting for the KHL?

actually, as it turns out: no.

i mean probably those were factors, but there was another factor. a factor that many caps fans are very aware of but almost no one reported on for some reason (probably because they were too busy writing about how SiDneY CrOsBy was having SuCh an AmaZiNg season for a 36 year old despite ovechkin literally having just as a good a season the year prior at the *checks notes* age of 36. also this is a reminder that one of those two actually led their team to a playoff berth and it wasn't crosby)

ovechkin is, among other things, an elite shooter. like many elite shooters, he is EXTREMELY picky about his sticks. he has been using the same CCM model for the last 7 seasons...and prior to this season they discontinued it.

the first half of the season (roughly), ovi was constantly trying out new sticks from CCM, from Bauer, whoever. he tried quite a few different sticks. results: 8 goals in 43 games.

then, ovechkin found an independent supplier. apparently (i can't remember where this info came out, maybe 32 thoughts?), these guys have an "ovi pro curve" model based on his old stick with CCM and he bought it and tried it out. curve was identical, and it felt right to him. started using those. results: 23 goals in 36 games.

am i saying that he is going to continue on that pace this coming season? probably not. do i think that the rumors of his demise as a goal scorer are greatly exaggerated and almost surely mistaken? yes. am i optimistic that with some stability in our center depth and stability in stick choice, ovechkin will have a 40 goal season again and possibly break wayne gretzky's all time goals record? YES.

what this means for PLD our beloved failhorse wife: he's not getting some washed up old man former great on his wing. he's getting the greatest fucking goal scorer in the history of the sport. and i, for one, am excited to see what they can do together.

link i thought about this all morning during baking and while i was out!! thank you for the stick explanation and all the sources i LOVE citations i am eating them up like theyre cakes at teatime....! more under the cut but heres what i was thinking about when i read this:

thinking about how,, particular some players get about their equipment, how superstitious, it's crazy to me that a manufacturer can just do all that. if it were me and MYE special stick got discontinued id be suing for damages

i was super interested in what actually changed in the second half of the season because i saw ovechkin was back to scoring basically at-will again, so really thank you for explaining.. the bond between a hockey and their stick is so beaugtiful <3

cr-sby is my babygirl-in-law and i fear i will always be fond of him because of this, so i shall tread carefully here (pens friends look away) it DOES suck that they're not recognising your old man for his achievements while that old man gets hyped. is it like, weird anti-russian sentiment? or a more general anti-caps bias? every team fan space i dip into feels unfairly maligned one way or another - which, yeah! clenching my fist of rage.......

you spin such a tale and im VERY excited to see how next szn shakes out in light of all this and also . grabbing dubois by the scruff of his neck like i will stan either way but PLEASE dont embarrass me in front of my cool new friends kjlasdklasdkl....

thank you so much for stopping by and for the warmest welcome ever <3

[tachiharastanacc]

Heyyyy love your posts

I thought about this after I read someone else’s post ( I think they called him tragic little f@ck? Not sure)

Imagine after hd reveal, port mafia starts to think back of all tachi’s behavior and words, then it hits them holy fuck this kid has some issues.

Like, there was a time when he tried to ignore his bleeding leg because ‘we got a mission and that is much more important nee-san!’ Or he was very scared of medica examination and when it ended, he asked so baffled ‘..that’s it?’ And I’m fairly sure he at least once said ‘orders make me who I am’ in front of others-probably gin of hirotsu-and they were just like oh, he’s very loyal. But now that they know how young he was when he joined the hunting dogs, they can’t help but feel bitter about that sentence. I think the reason tachi is desperate to follow orders are not only because government shaped him into perfect soldier, but he was desperate for love, affection and approval. Like, his parents told him they wished him dead instead of his brother! That is something sure will leave a scar on a CHILD.

I rlly want tachihara to learn how to be human again with the port mafia. Black lizards and chuuya probably will be the biggest help because, tachi is closest to black lizards-I think hirotsu will be able to be a father tachi never had-and chuuya has been through this. He knows how he’s feeling. Black lizards will be his family, his emotional support. And chuuya will be there, guiding him through the little things-that is normal as breathing to others but so, so foreign for him(them)-and tachihara feel so understood.

(Whoops rambled..if this does not make sense, pls don’t be mad!)

I’m furious actually /j

No, I just completely forgot I had an inbox lol. But yes!! I agree!!

I think the idea of them questioning everything they knew about him also is super interesting. Because they all saw him one way (reckless, brave, a lil dense sometimes), and everything is different when he comes back.

There’s a level of ‘was this all an act’ that takes a bit to get over. But at the end of the day, it’s still their Tachi, just a different side of him. Personally, Hirotsu specifically wouldn’t mind the quiet if he wasn’t worried out of his gosh darn mind.

Also, he 100% picks up on just how much telling Tachihara he’s proud of him affects him when Tachi isn’t trying really hard to act unbothered and cool.

Chuuya just assigning him self reluctant older brother even tho it was fully his idea. Verlaine’s kinda there too, but he doesn’t really know how to approach him in a way that won’t scar him for life (again) so he kinda just follows him around occasionally like some kind of depressed French cryptid.

This is 100% more terrifying than if he just approached him bc Tachihara fully is aware that he’s been stalking him and is convinced he plans on assassinating him.

Please always ramble to me abt Tachi and his families please lol

[jbaileyfansite]

Ariana Grande interviews Jonathan Bailey for VMan Magazine (2024)

Jonathan Bailey’s acting career began at the age of eight when the prestigious Royal Shakespeare Company cast him in a role coveted by all little boys who like musicals: Gavroche in Les Miserables. Since then, he’s starred in contemporary plays, refined his iambic pentameter flow via several Shakespearian productions, and, in 2019, won the Laurence Olivier Award for Best Actor in a Supporting Role for his work in the gender-swapped revival of Company. In other words, Bailey is a theater nerd. 

This made his upcoming role as Fiyero Tigelaar in the movie adaptation of the Broadway hit, Wicked, all the more unbelievable to him. Over Zoom, with co-star Ariana Grande, Bailey admits that he’s only recently had the space to fangirl over the reality that he’s playing the lead in a musical that rocked his world when he first saw it at the age of 15. Tuning in from Thailand, he and Grande chat about his upcoming project, another adaptation, Jurassic Park, and the memories of Oz that he (reportedly) carries in his pocket.

Ariana Grande: Hi, good morning. What time is it for you?

Jonathan Bailey: It’s 8am. Feeling pretty fresh.

AG: You look beautifully fresh. Just for context, for people reading, Johnny, you’re currently in Thailand. What are you up to over there?

JB: I’m on a really long holiday in the jungle, pretending to run away from fake dinosaurs… Um, no, I’m filming Jurassic Park.  And there are massive links between it and Wicked because it’s got so many of the same crew.

AG: Yes!

JB: The bereavement of leaving Wicked behind has been sort of solved by the fact that so many of them are still here. So, I’m keeping the Wicked dream alive, but with dinosaurs. 

AG: That’s so beautiful. You’re so lucky to have a little piece of Oz with you still every day.

JB: I carry Oz in my pocket. 

AG: Yes. How is it going? 

JB: I am loving it. We’re doing a whole new version of the Jurassic Park franchise.

AG: What can you say about your character, about this new franchise?

JB: I can say that it’s written by David Koepp, who wrote the original. It feels like it’s in ultimate hands to bring it back to what the original achieved. (Jurassic Park) was the first film I went to see with my whole family, and I was way too young, I was terrified. There is a similarity between doing this and Wicked, I also saw the original run of Wicked in London. 

AG: I would love to touch on Fellow Travelers, which was such an emotional and expansive project. What was the process of taking on a character like Tim, whose story is told over several decades? 

JB: Fellow Travelers will always be something that I’m incredibly proud of. For me it [was] the most fulfilling creative, emotional, and spiritual thing I’ve done. Tim and Hawke (leads in Fellow Travelers) are allegories. So many men that lost their lives. It’s never lost on me, all the other actors that couldn’t come out or were vilified for being caught having sex in toilets. All the horrific ways in which a pure thing like man-on-man love has been misconstrued.

AG: It was absolutely palpable. 

JB: I had this amazing weekend in Bangkok and I met this group of Malaysian dudes who were just so brilliant. They were doctors and they were really bright, intelligent, kind, sweet men who were having such a brilliant time. We ended up having dinner and, after a few drinks, they were telling me that they come over from Malaysia to Bangkok because they can’t be out to their families.

AG: My God.

JB: It’s so painful.

AG: I was gonna say, this leads us beautifully into The Shameless Fund, your foundation that you launched actually this week, congratulations. How does it feel that it’s finally out there in the world?

JB: It’s been a labor of love for about two years. When the second series of Bridgerton came out, I was suddenly aware of an increased platform, especially the fact Bridgerton is viewed in multiple territories where being gay is different. So, I just sort of fused the two together—

AG: It’s a beautiful way of making sense of it all. 

JB: Thank you for being an icon and an ambassador for the Shameless Fund.

AG: I’m so proud of you and I love you and your heart so much. Okay, moving on. I was wondering what things have helped you recharge your human battery?

JB: I’ve adapted my life slightly. I don’t live in a city anymore, I do a lot of swimming and gymnastics, which is something that I’ve done [since] I was younger. I [also] think it’s friends, which I know is such a sort ofeye roll [answer]. I’ve got amazing friends, they’ve always been there and I’ve been friends with them for so long.

AG: And me, for 2 years. 

JB: I’ve spiritually known you for 20 years.

AG: Yeah, 100. Let’s move on to Wicked. How did you prepare for the role of Fiyero? 

JB: I mean, it’s a complete dream come true. The preparation started when I listened to the soundtrack when I was like 15. And I remember viscerally; it sent ripples through culture. Also, I remember hearing the orchestration. I hadn’t really heard the synth-meets-full-orchestra-meets-syncopation.

Something about it just completely grabbed me. My best friend from school, me and him went to go and see it together—we were soulmates through school. And it was so funny that, like, two lads just went with it. I think the themes of Wicked have probably expanded, and that’s what I’m really excited about with the film.

AG: Yeah, it feels like it needs to be now more than ever before, perhaps.

JB: I went to go meet Jon (Chu, director). We chatted for about two and a half hours and it was really emotional. The one thing that we talked about with Fiyero: everything is so easy to him. How do you tell the story of someone who seemingly doesn’t care? What’s he frustrated by? We discussed it and found quite a human thing, I think. And, obviously, with our film, it represents extreme privilege and it’s about his bubble needing to pop. 

AG: I think our characters share that in a big way, Elphaba comes along and pops both of our bubbles. Perhaps for the first time we both are able to look at things differently. And it’s not that we’re not loving, heartful people. It’s just that we’ve never had to look outside of what affects us until we meet her.

JB: Exactly. And anyway, it was Jon. Basically, the answer to every question about Wicked is Jon Chu. Don’t you think?

AG: Yeah, I do. I think we were very spoiled to have done this with him. It felt like a teeny, little secret student thing—its intimacy. It felt so small and private until all of a sudden, we were outside, and the Daily Mail was hand gliding over our set—oh, he should play the pterodactyl in your film. 

JB: I think he’s actually hovering over right now.

AG: Can you explain what this was, please? 

JB: It was a man on a massive kite, floating around with his legs hanging down.

AG: I couldn’t believe my eyes. Well, firstly because I don’t have the best eyes. But secondly, because there’s no way. There’s no way! I was like, ah, guy on a hand glider.

JB: With a GoPro. With a GoPro on his toes.

AG: With a GoPro on his toes. Was your experience filming Wicked at all what you expected it to be?

JB: There were certain elements of it that I was incredibly impressed by and I think that is because of the love and care of Mark Platt and Jon Chu. Obviously we’ve grown up loving theater and musical theater, I always felt attached to that wonderment. I think my expectation might have been that somehow in the making of something, you lose that. But we were on those incredible sets. 

AG: Oh my gosh. Best in the world.

JB: I think I was in Wicked fan survival mode for the last 18 months. I’m starting to really get excited about it.

AG: It takes a certain amount of time to grieve something like that. I mean you’re already in Thailand and a whole different person, but it’s interesting how it takes a while and then it hits you.

Source

[vemuabhi]

Hello!! Do you mind doing Sanji with love language of quality time please? Have a lovely lovely day/night!!

(btw, I absolutely adore your blog, and I agree with so many things you’ve said about Sanji!!! Seriously I adore the way you think about Sanji <3 and actually, I’ve been holding this in since I first watched OP and I came across your post about your fav Sanji scenes, just never had the courage to tell you, not to mention I didn’t have tumblr account back then, but: I couldn’t have agreed more with you when you mentioned your feelings about Sanji and Pudding’s kiss. The only difference being that I knew I was already genuinely in love with him, so I felt it hit me quite strongly. And then I started making up all kinds of unrequited love angst scenarios in my head with him, where reader’s are unrequited. Though, I’m genuinely shocked by how similarly we think and simp for the man. I thought I was a crazy idiot until I saw your post. So thank you for sharing all your thoughts :))

Always a Priority

Hey love,

I am so so happy that you have read my favourite Sanji scenes work before and agree with that. I hope you have also read my fav Sanji outfits hehe. And yes, Sanji is someone who has captured my heat from a long while and I haven’t left him since. I am… a bit similar to Sanji when it comes to love. I adapt and make sure that my lover stays happy when they are with me. I… I haven’t been given a proper chance to make someone fall in love. It sucks that It’s always been me who falls in love fast, harder and deeper. So, maybe at some point I realised how Sanji would love his S/O and wondered how beautiful their life would be with him. He is Fictional. I know. I am aware of that. But, when real life just hurts continuously, I found a bit of relief in these fanfics. Getting way too personal here, aren’t I? Hehe, I hope you continue to read and enjoy my writings. Thanks for being here.

This is one of my pieces for the mini event. Please enjoy and let me know what you think about this. Please forgive any mistake, it isn't proofread.

Listen to Earned it by Weekend

Prompt taken from here.

Quality Time

After a long shift of work, you noticed him on his bike outside your work, waiting to pick you up. Even though he was tired, he was everyday waiting for you. As if it was a medicine, your fatigue was gone after seeing him.

As it has been only 3 months since you have been going out, so this was the only time of day you both could meet. Sure, you both went on dates on the weekends but, he wanted to see you everyday just like you did. You sat behind him and hugged him, that was the only thing he wanted from you. Just to feel you beside him. Comfortable. Is how he wanted to make you feel.

You were grateful for him being there to take you home. Especially during the times when you told him to go home as it was getting late. Which was more of the reason he stayed to drop you. The smooth ride with him was all you wanted. Valued. It was what you felt with Sanji.

Before you met Sanji, he would go straight home after a long shift to just crash for the day, sometimes dropping his female colleagues or friends. Too tired to even eat after the day. While you would also go home. Thinking about your life choices. The mistakes you made.

Now, it was different. You both had something to look forward to everyday. Meeting each other even though the time you meet was less, it was all you needed to boost up your oxytocin levels. Everyday, after he dropped you, you made sure that make him eat with you at your house. Then he could go and crash at his place. If you let him go, he would be too tired to make himself something and would not eat. Well, he wouldn’t say no to you, especially since all you wanted was to him to be healthy. Not only he dropped you, he would always eat if he was with you. Always a Priority. For each other.

While he ate with you, he would never look at his phone. Unless if it was urgent call. You were so shocked at how you were being treated by this man before you. Your house was small, but it never felt so warm, like a home until he arrived. You were desperate for love and now, he pulled you out of it. Providing you with the love you never received.

Sanji on the other hand felt his home to be where you were. 3 months. How was his life before he met you, he didn’t want to experience it again. Longing for someone to love him, like he does. He would love to move in with you but, it would be too soon.

You noticed that Sanji was far more patient than you were. He would think a lot. You don’t even know how many times you were impressed by how calm he behaves in the most hectic situations. While Sanji loved how you don’t filter your words with him. Always honest. Straight to point. No mind games. No need to worry, because you’d say what you felt. Making it very easy to understand you.

copyright © vemuabhi

Reblogs and Comments are always appreciated!!

[gamesetcheckeredflag]

After the sincaraz final i wanted to write something... so here we go...

short summary: they are in the plane, jannik is in a kinda depressed mood, they are making out in the airplane bathroom

Jannik leaned back in his seat, his long legs stretched out. He looked out the window, thinking about the match he had just played a couple hours ago.

He knew he was doing his best, but he couldn’t help it. He thought he could really win the match he has trained a lot and the last matches he played were also quite good.

Carlos shifted in his seat, glancing at Jannik who sat just a couple meters from him. The match before had left him exhausted and his whole body was aching.

He swallowed hard as he took in Jannik’s expression that was obviously disappointed.

He had felt bad seeing Jannik lose which was something he couldn’t understand. They were rivals, they shouldn’t feel bad for the other when they lost but he couldn’t help it. With Jannik it was different.

Carlos stood up although he wasn’t sure what exactly he wanted to do. Slowly, he went over to Jannik’s seat.

“Hey, can we… talk?” He asked shyly.

He felt weird talking to Jannik when both their teams were around.

“Uhm… yes of course. What do you want?” Jannik turned his face to him instead of looking outside. He tried to smile but Carlos saw it wasn’t an honest one.

“I – I just wanted to tell you that you played really well.”

Jannik looked away again.

“Thanks,” he murmured after a long pause. His voice was flat, nothing to be heard of the usual warmth. “You too.”

Carlos’ chest tightened. This was definitely not how it was supposed to be. After all of their matches, no matter who won, they had always managed to talk normally, sometimes even laugh about something. But tonight, it felt different.

Everything felt tense and forced and Carlos couldn’t help but be mad at himself for saying yes to the flight together. He should have said no when Juanki asked him if they should share the jet with Jannik’s team.

“Jannik,” Carlos started again, his voice sounding almost pleading. “I mean it, you were amazing out there, I–“

“Stop. Just… stop.”

Jannik’s voice was sharp and the intensity in his gaze made Carlos flinch.

“Don’t act like you care. You won. And you deserved it. But please don’t pretend to care.”

Jannik’s voice broke off, looking away again as he ran his hand through his curls. Carlos just stared at him. He had known Jannik for years and had seen him at his highest and what he had though his lowest but this… unfiltered version of Jannik was new.

“I am not pretending,” Carlos said, trying to keep his voice at a low volume so that the others wouldn’t hear everything. He leaned forward to grip the armrest so he doesn’t fall over when a small turbulence hit the plane. “I just… fuck, Jannik, I don’t know what to say. I hate seeing you like this because I do care!”

“Yes, well. Get used to it.” Jannik shrugged.

The words stung, and that sharper than Carlos had expected.

He wanted to say something, but suddenly he was well aware of how close they were. Carlos could see the brown and green of Jannik’s eyes that looked darker than usually as the light was dim.

The silence stretched and made them both feel awkward. The jet’s hum seemed louder than before at the small space suddenly felt too cramped, too intimate.

Suddenly, Jannik stood up, making Carlos flinch. He now had to look a bit up at Jannik, which was caused by their height difference.

He watched as Jannik’s long limbs moved toward the front of the cabin. Carlos felt an impulse to follow him, and before he could have even thought about it he went after him.

“Wait.” He said, hoping he wasn’t too loud and would wake up the others that were sleeping in their seats. “Where are you going?”

“Bathroom.”

Seconds later, Carlos found himself with Jannik in the bathroom. The small bathroom.

The small room didn’t leave them any space, they were standing now face to face and were able to feel their breaths on each other’s skin.

For a moment neither of them moved. The air felt thick between them and both could feel the tension.

Jannik was so close that Carlos was able to see every detail of his face. The slight flush of his cheeks, the crease between his eyebrows the way his lips he pressed together. And how he ran his tongue over his bottom lip.

Carlos swallowed hard. Why had he followed Jannik? He shouldn’t have done it. He wouldn’t be in this situation if hadn’t.

But now he was here, in the tiny bathroom. Practically pressed up against him.

“Why are you here, Carlos?” Jannik interrupted, his voice low. “Why did you have to follow me?”

But Carlos didn’t know how to respond. Because he didn’t know. To apologize? To comfort him? But why would he do that. They weren’t really close friends.

“I… I don’t know.” Carlos whispered, his breath getting faster when he realized how close they really were now. “I just couldn’t let you go like that.”

For a split second, Jannik’s gaze softened until he was back to clenching his jaw and looking at the ceiling. “You cannot fix everything Carlos.”

“I am not trying to do that. I just can’t stand seeing you like that. I feel so bad.” Carlos said frustrated.

“Then why do you have to keep winning?” Jannik let out a bitter laugh. He knew his feelings weren’t rational but when were they. He was frustrated. Carlos was his kryptonite.

“Because I have to. It’s just the game. But it doesn’t mean I want to hurt you on purpose.”

Jannik didn’t reply. The tension in the tiny room was palpable, making Carlos feel like he was on the edge of something dangerous.

And then, Jannik moved. It was so quick, unexpected, that Carlos didn’t have the time to react before Jannik’s hands were on him. He grabbed Carlos arms, fingers digging into his skin.

 Before Carlos could say anything, Jannik’s mouth was on his – desperate.

Everything, all the confusion, the frustration, the anger, it all was recognizable in the kiss.

Carlos surged forward, his hands now on Jannik’s back, gripping Jannik’s shirt. Underneath he could feel the muscles in Jannik’s back tensing up.

The kiss deepened and turned hotter the more confident the men became. Jannik groaned against his mouth, his hands sliding down to grip Carlos’ waist.

 The room seemed to become even smaller as they stumbled a bit back making Carlos bump against the cold sink which made him gasp, and sent a shiver down his spine.

The gasp made him break the kiss for just a moment before Jannik’s mouth was on his again, kind of demanding.

It was chaotic. Carlos nearly elbowed Jannik as they tried to change positions so that now it was Jannik feeling the sink in his back.

But it didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered to Carlos was Jannik’s hands on his hips, his lips on his, the heat of his body pressed against him, Jannik’s toned back he could feel under his hands.

 “Jannik,” Carlos gasped, as Jannik kissed along his jaw and down his neck which made his head fell back. “What... what are we doing here?”

 “Shut up,” Jannik managed to say, his breath hot against Carlos’ skin.

And then he was kissing him again. Carlos felt like he couldn’t get enough air, but he also didn’t want to stop. Didn’t want to pull away to take a breath.

Jannik’s hands slipped under Carlos’ shirt, pushing it up while he explored Carlos’ chest, his sides, his waist.

“Fuck,” Jannik breathed, his voice low. “You’re-“

But whatever he wanted to say was lost when Carlos pulled him back down to press their lips together again.

Carlos hands were shaking a bit when he tugged at Jannik’s shirt, pulling it over his head and sliding his hands over his chest and abs.

But then, suddenly, Jannik pulled back, breathing hard, his eyes dark.

“We… fuck, Carlos. We shouldn’t do that.”

“But why did you…” Carlos looked up at the other guy in confusion.

“I don’t know, okay? I don’t fucking know,” he growled.

They were both trying to catch their breath but then Jannik’s gaze dropped to his lips again and something changed. Carlos didn’t even know what.

It felt as if Jannik was more confident know.

And he was. Jannik was kissing him again, harder this time. Rougher.

“Fuck it,” he muttered.

Carlos’ body reacted instinctively. His hands explore Jannik’s body, pulling him closer, needing to feel him, needing to know him.

The next few minutes were a blur of moans and gasps.

Carlos didn’t know how long they stayed like that, lost in each other. All he knew was that when they finally broke apart, they were both a mess. They were panting, their shirts somewhere on the floor. Jannik’s fingers tangled in his hair.

Their faces where flushed, their bodies trembling, their lips swollen.

They were just standing there for a moment, neither of them moving. They just stared at each other as their chests were heaving and hearts racing.

They knew they should get out there before anyone noticed they’d been gone for so long.

But Jannik’s eyes were locked on his, sending shivers down Carlos’ spine.

“Fuck Carlos,” Jannik muttered. “You’re driving me crazy.”

Carlos didn’t - no, he couldn’t – respond. All he could do was kiss Jannik again, desperate to feel him again.

His hands moved over Jannik’s chest, his stomach, down to the waistband of his pants.

Jannik’s breath hitched when Carlos’ fingers brushed over the skin above his pants.

“Is… Is this what you want?” Carlos asked put of breath, his voice low.

“Yes. Fuck, yes.”

And then their lips were pressed against each other’s again, Jannik’s hands roaming over the other guy’s bare chest. He tugged at Carlos’ pants, his fingers brushing against his hips, his thighs, teasing, but not yet touching were Carlos wanted him most.

“Jannik,” Carlos gasped, his voice breaking as he arched into Jannik’s touch, his fingers digging into his shoulders. “Please-“

But before he could finish Jannik spun them around again, pinning Carlos against the bathroom sink. Carlos let out a soft cry of surprise as Jannik’s body pressed against his.

“Tell me what you want,” Jannik murmured, his thumb brushing over Carlos’ bottom lip, coax a whine out of the younger man. “Say it, Carlos.”

Carlos swallowed hard, his fingers gripping the edge of the sink behind him. His whole body was trembling.

“You. Please, Jannik, I want you,” he breathed, his voice barely audible.

All he wanted was Jannik’s hands on him.

“Don’t stop,” Carlos whispered, his voice trembling. “Please, don’t stop,” he begged.

And then his hands were on Carlos’ waistband, tugging it down, his fingers sliding over bare skin. Carlos gasped, his head falling back and his breath coming in short gasps.

“Jannik- “

“Fuck, you’re so… you are driving me insane.” Jannik’s voice was rough, almost growling.

Carlos let out a whimper, his head falling back as Jannik’s mouth trailed down his stomach.

But before he anything more could happen, there was a sudden knock on the door.

“Carlos?” a familiar voice called out, muffled through the thin door.

Carlos froze, his heart leaping into his throat. He knew that voice—knew it all too well.

“Fuck,” he whispered, his eyes wide as he looked up at Jannik. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

Jannik’s gaze was just as panicked, his hands stilling against Carlos’ skin.

“What the fuck should we do?” Jannik asked, panicking.

“Just act normal.” Carlos whispered; his voice strained.

He took their shirts in his hands giving one to Jannik and put it on.

“Carlos?” Juanki’s voice called out again, louder this time. “Are you in there?”

“Yes… yes. Just… just wait a second.”

But he didn’t. Before he could think about a plan the door swung open and Carlos’ heart stopped.

His face turned red.

“Enjoying yourself?” Juanki asked dryly. Before anyone could respond he added a “Just get back to your seats. And just don’t do it again… at least not in a plane. The walls are quite thin here, you know?”

When Juanki turned away to go back to his seat Carlos just stood there.

“We are so fucked,” he whispered to Jannik.

[lycheedr3ams]

I'm feeling so many feelings about butcher!Konig! I used to work at a gas station and had many crappy customers, sometimes to a point where I mentally shut myself down to survive a shift then cry afterwards.

Can you do one for after a difficult shift and you're crying in your car and a there's a gentle tap on the window? Thank you thank you! Love your smut but your sweet butcher!Konig huts different~

i'm so sorry to hear that was your experience at your job! when i worked at the deli at the grocery store (from which all these butcher!könig things are inspired by), i wanted to quit every fucking shift because customers would treat me so horribly. i got yelled at over fried chicken, so i get it.

answered below the cut! and yes i am living for sweet butcher!könig as well!

also random but if anyone is a minor, you should just block me atp. i'm going to be posting some absolute pure porn in the coming weeks. word porn i mean not actual porn lol

today was probably the worst shift you had ever had. it was around the 4th of july, so most customers were up in arms about their food being absolutely perfect. it didn't matter that most of them didn't read the regulations about the limit of food they were allowed to order, or the period of notice your store needed. all they saw was that you were at fault.

you could barely keep it together as you were yelled at by the 5th customer that day. the customers who didn't yell at you were condescending and rude. about halfway through your shift, you just couldn't take it anymore, and you abandoned your coworkers as you cried alone in your car in the corner of the parking lot.

butcher!könig hadn't had a chance to talk to you today, since he was also busy preparing orders for the upcoming holiday. and since his workstation was behind closed doors whereas yours was right where the customers are, he wasn't aware of everything that you had been going through. but he didn't miss the way you fled through the grocery store through the little window in the meat department's door. butcher!könig dropped everything he was doing and followed you out, not even bothering to take off his white work coat.

you were already deep into crying when you suddenly jumped when you heard a little tap on your window. you wiped your wet eyes and blushed when you saw butcher!könig standing outside your car, looking very worried. you winded the window down and put on a fake smile.

"what is wrong?" butcher!könig asked with furrowed eyebrows.

you sniffled. "the customers have just been so mean today... i've been yelled at all day, and they're just so rude." you wiped your hot tears as more fell, not wanting butcher!könig to see you like this.

"why didn't you tell me?" he asked sternly, but you knew he was just concerned for you.

"everyone's been beaten up by the customers today. you were busy too," you said quietly.

butcher!könig shook his head. "nein nein, you always tell me when a customer is being mean to you. do you understand?"

you looked into his eyes with your wet, red ones before finally nodding. "okay. i will from now on."

butcher!könig shuffled on his feet a little, since his back was hurting from hunching over to talk to you in your car. "oh, sorry, do you want to come in?" you offered as you unlocked the car door. he nodded and walked around the front of your car and sat down in your passenger seat. he was much too big for the seat, his knees hitting the dashboard, but he didn't seem to care as he looked over at you so caringly.

"may i comfort you?" butcher!könig asked softly. you nodded as you wiped your eyes again. he slowly placed his large hand on your arm and rubbed his thumb on your skin. you blushed and closed your eyes, not wanting to admit to him or you how much you enjoyed his touch. he looked at you so tenderly you thought you could cry.

"you are much too sweet for customers - or anyone - to be mean to you," butcher!könig said quietly as he looked down at his hand on your arm. you just listened quietly and tried to steady your breathing.

you and him stayed like that for a little while before accepting the reality that you had to go back to work. you sheepishly got out of your car and followed butcher!könig behind him like he was your bodyguard. needless to say, no customers dared to approach you as you followed behind the titan of a leather-masked butcher with a slightly crazed look in his eye that he always hid from you.

[angelofthepage]

Memory Joey - What is your source?

Hi I did not get my full eight hours of sleep, and I am chomping at the bit with a new thought, so prepare for a slightly unhinged Kat theory about Joey.

Last night I was chatting with my partner in crime Beth about a number of Bendy things, but one of my many takeaways from that conversation was a new angle of looking at Memory Joey. So, recently I shared that I was frustrated with the narrative shift of Henry and Allison being ink copies, because it feels like it cheapens the original BATIM and doesn't do anything to serve the Joey Drew Redemption Arc (tm) narrative. We as the player know the man has a body count. Even if you take these two characters out of the mix, he's still responsible for the deaths of multiple other characters, mostly in the books, but like, come on, the whole "I own thousands of them" comment about souls in BATIM? The coffins with secret names on them? Joey you ain't slick. We spent too long establishing that Joey used his employees for their souls across MULTIPLE MEDIUMS to suddenly throw all of that out the window, and I don't entirely buy the idea that these two aren't the real deal. Granted, it still leaves us with questions about how the ink demon works given, there was also time dedicated to establishing that he was imperfect because he's soulless, but that's for another day.

But then, last night we talked about how none of these characters know Audrey is the daughter of Drew. And if they did know that, would their reactions be different? Would they still try to help her? I'm not sure. But it got me thinking about how there's a lot of things we the player know/believe that the characters don't. And that's when it hit me.

Memory Joey's story wasn't for us. It was for Audrey.

Now, that sounds obvious, like no duh, he's talking to Audrey for the whole scene, of course it's for her. Memory Joey doesn't know we as the players exist, he's got nothing to prove to us. But hear me out: that sequence wasn't meant to give us as players new information or prove he's a changed man, we weren't the ones who were supposed to believe in it. Audrey was. He has EVERYTHING to prove to Audrey. That's the daughter of the man he came from, his precious little girl, the first time he made something with the ink machine out of love, and she doesn't even remember that he's her father. Joey Drew, throughout his lifetime, cared a lot about how people saw him. Having shoes and a suit that didn't make him look poor, appearing financially stable to investors, the nasty things he had to say when he thought he wasn't being recorded, acting like he had control when everything he knew was falling apart, Joey was always trying to keep up appearances. And while I'll believe that he can mostly let go of that with time and growth, I don't think he could deal with Audrey, his daughter, seeing him as the bad guy. Especially when she doesn't remember Joey? Trying to make a good impression, sharing that yes, he did bad things, but he wasn't all bad? That he changed? That's covering Joey's ass something fierce.

Audrey isn't aware of Joey's body count. She doesn't know what happened to his employees. How Sammy became a cultist, how Susie was mistreated and manipulated to be desperate to be Alice. The entire story of Buddy Lewek and Norman Polk. She knows NONE of it! She doesn't know what he did. She doesn't know there were so many teenagers, just a little younger than her, that DIED because of his machine. And until you get the note about the kids that came before her, she has no idea she's not the first.

I often give Memory Joey a pass, he doesn't strike me as someone who would want to lie, especially to Audrey since he clearly cares about her. He delivers his slideshow presentation so earnestly, it feels like he truly believes this is what's true. But then I'm left questioning, what is his source? Why does he believe that they're clones? But maybe...maybe he is lying on purpose. I think it could be an equal opportunity for both. Joey was a liar in life, he lied about so many things (which is frustrating when he's the one giving us most of the information we look to to figure out how the heck ink works, Gent can you please give us some notes to cross reference?). Why wouldn't he lie to appear better to his own daughter? Memory Joey making that distinction for himself, that he himself cares for how Audrey sees him and Joey, would be a really valuable detail for his character, but him not knowing and believing all the information that someone like Joey left behind for him (since I'm assuming that's where his understanding of the cycle comes from) would also be interesting for his characterization.

But here's the kicker: by introducing the idea that Henry and Allison are not truly their human counterparts, if that turns out to be untrue, you've made a grave mistake Memory Joey. Audrey doesn't know any of these people were human before they became ink. I mean maybe she can deduce that other humans are in here given Allison's whole "I remember my first day" speech, but then Memory Joey throwing this at her, Allison is a creation rather than someone who was once alive? Who's to say she'd think twice about it? Wilson treats everyone like they're just ink and not worth caring for after all. But if she finds out about the sacrifices? That many of these ink creatures were once human? Oh Broseph my dude, you are gonna have a lot to answer for, more ways in which her trust in you will be utterly broken. That is a very messy, delicate balance. I kind of want to see that. I want to see him have his world view turned on its head, learning that he was wrong about Henry, and have him genuinely not know that he was fed bad information. Let him process that, let him struggle, and let Audrey grapple with the truth too.

Yeah, I don't necessarily think Henry and Allison are clones. Inhuman, yes, but clones? I think we need more than Memory Joey's word to know that for sure. So I ask again, sir, what is your source?

[unknowable-known]

(Officially your second ask ever heh)

(Also I might swear and write some things in caps, but I’m not angry just going crazy okok? 🫡)

“let whatever plot lines unfold!”

You see… this is why I think I don’t get it (or maybe, as you mentioned to your first anon, I’m making an effort to no understand cause I’m “coping”)

Any plot line means even the undesired ones (yeah, yeah, desires, good or bad are concepts, your true self if neutral and unaffected bla bla bla). Let’s be honest here, no matter how enlightened you are, NO ONE want tragedies. I don’t mean like “oh I don’t want to be ugly. Oh I don’t want to be poor” I’m talking about actual serious stuff.

Abuse, r*pe, murder, torture, physical pain and so on.

It’s very nice and peaceful all this talk of “hey, calm down, is not real anyway. Your physical body is not real, emotions are made up concept. Relax 🧘”

But it’s seriously fucked up to keep this mindset when you’re going through one of the things I mentioned.

“Oh but you’re not supposed to disregard your feelings”

Honestly… then what’s the damn point of all this?

Can’t change things around because it’s all an illusion so there’s nothing happening at all, but has to let the so called plot lines unfold (aka HAPPEN) because… ???

Can’t let yourself be affected by circumstances cause they’re not real and good or bad are made up concepts, but can’t disregard feelings. So basically… Yeah, you still get to feel miserable.

Know yourself, but be aware that the mind and the “you” you think you are won’t ever comprehend what “ ” actually is.

Fuck it if the “ ” is neutral, unaffected and unchangeable. I’M (the limited me, cause oh well you are already “ ”, right?) STILL LIVES IN A GODDAMN ILLUSION THAT DO IN FACT AFFECTS ME AND THAT’S APPARENTLY UNCHANGEABLE, AND I CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT BECAUSE: Wanting to change = Being aware that something is missing, therefore, this something will alway be missing = eternal loop & seeking.

Future doesn’t existe neither past, but the present still shows up with seeming past things, like a giant snowball only getting bigger.

It seems so redundant to me and it makes me drained cause you guys (do you even ‘exist’ by this logic? Am I just talking to myself then?) talk about it and live life like it’s so damn easy, but I can’t seem to see what you guys see.

Again, who cares if the great, unaffected, infinite self is “there” chilling if I (as in the infinite self) can’t simply shut off all of the limited and non existent world that is unfolding right in front of me? If I’m already self, but perceived in a limited existent creature then what’s the point of knowing self?

I think I saw these words being said multiple times: “Then all of this is simply about moving on and experiencing undesired circumstances, but just being in peace with it” and all of “you” answered “I can’t see why you see that way or when we ever implied that”. But honestly, I mean with all my heart, I can’t see how is NOT like that.

Right now, is the limited “me” talking and as long as I am perceiving myself as limited, I always will be, but if I try not to I’ll still be perceiving myself as limited (again, the paradox/looping).

In my head there are only two “methods” to finally understand all this fully:

experience a illusory death of the illusory body

Hit my head and lose all the damn memory. Anything could ‘unfold’ and I wouldn’t have the pre concepts I had before. I could live a totally different ‘life’ without even knowing that there was a so called different one before.

It's nice being cheeky. I appreciate you 😁🫶🏻

Some experiences can be awful yes, and nobody is invalidating that in any way. "Letting go" isn't actually letting go, it's noticing what remains aside any experience.

Manage any experience you have in a healthy way. Seek support wherever you can and wherever relevant. You, self, that, infinite radiance is going nowhere. "Manage" the plot line in a way that's comfortable for you.

In the meantime you can still "increase" your "sensitivity" there are opportunities for you to understand yourSELF in any context. It's this simple.

In fact, really painful situations can serve as great contrast to actuality...

I know there is much pain and suffering(seemingly), and managing this is not cope...

ALL experiences are valid, they're just not substantial/actuality...

There is no purpose to any of this. Infinite means completely open ended. But again, this does not invalidate any experience...manage this experience however you deem fit.

In the midst of pain, I closed tumblr, and stuck with being_is_it on twitter. Just a suggestion and not a method. He's truly an all-star, and very helpful & streamlined in overwhelming experiences.

We love you🫶🏻

[samieree]

Heimdall x reader (female)

[Probably there will be part 2]

Never enough of him and it was a while since I wrote one-shot with him... But I think it's not bad, so I'm sharing this with you <3

~

You work for Odin and naturally spend quite a bit of time in Asgard. You get along pretty well with everyone, even with Heimdall. Until after a large amount of alcohol after one of the feasts, you end up in a rather intimate situation... From then on, you haven't spoken to each other and it seems that he is avoiding you.  Can this change?

~

“So? Will you finally tell me what happened?” Your closest friend here, one of Valkyries, asked you as you both sat there cleaning your weapons.

“What am I supposed to say? You were at that feast too, you know what it looked like.” You replied with a shrug.

“Come on, Y/n, I saw, just like a few other people, how you and Heimdall left at one point. I may remember your wobbly step through a haze, but you can't lie to me that it didn't happen.” You rolled your eyes.

You didn't want to go back to that moment. Even though you recalled it quite pleasantly, even if you didn't remember much of what you'd talked about, you remembered exactly what had happened.

And you didn't feel obligated to confess it to your friend.

“Yes, we left. And what?”

“You tell me.” You didn't answer anything, just smiled, looking back at the sword you were cleaning from the dirt that no longer existed on it. “Come on, just between us women. I am telling you about my conquests.”

“You say it even when I don't ask.” The fact was that your friend took intimate matters very lightly and simply did what she pleased about it. You didn't judge her, after all, everyone has the right to a different approach to these matters, but you didn't always want to listen to her stories about subsequent bed adventures. “Besides, it wasn't a conquest.”

“Wasn’t it? I can't remember the last time there was even a rumour that he was meeting someone for this purpose.”

“You're too curious. And I don't remember much anyway.”

“Yes I am. Well, at least tell me: Was it fun? You're more of a shy girl…” You rolled your eyes again, as she gave you a nudge.

“Yes.” You replied in one word. The fact was that even though you didn't remember much about that close-up, you knew you enjoyed it. It would be hard not to like the way he touched and kissed you… “Enough about that, we've got a lot of work to do, so we'd better get on with it.”

 * * *

Ever since that conversation, you've felt watched all the time. But when you looked around… There was no one watching you. You felt a little uncomfortable but decided to ignore it. Nothing special happened all day, only when you went home in the evening...

You were suddenly pulled behind one of the huts, hitting your back against someone's chest.

“For an assassin, your eyesight is poor.” You knew for sure who it was when you heard that person's voice.  He hasn't even flashed before your eyes in the last few days, and now he suddenly drags you to a dark corner in the evening? Did something happen to him?

“Or you're hiding well.” You replied, not moving away from your position as your back was pressed against his body, feeling his warmth despite the layers of fabric.

“Did you have fun gossiping with your friend?” Normally you'd just roll your eyes, but you couldn't when he said it with his mouth against your ear, almost touching it.

“So you've been following me all day and eavesdropping right after you've been avoiding me like the plague for the past few days?” He pushed you away from him and as soon as you turned around, you were finally face to face.

As usual, his face didn’t express much emotion and his eyes were piercing. Eyes focused on yours when you didn't even know what he wanted to read from them.

“I wasn't avoiding you. I don't know if you're aware of this, but I have my own work to do.” He said after a long silence, probably noticing that he was staring at you too ostentatiously.

“Do you… Do you care about what happened between us?” You asked directly.

Who knows, maybe not only today, but in the last few days he has also been watching you closely? Did he care if you told anyone about what happened between you?

Which of you remembered more of what happened? Who liked it more?

Seeing that he continued to stare at you and didn't intend to speak, you decided to add something else, even though it didn't quite agree with you.

“You shouldn't worry so much, it was just sex after all... Everyone has desires sometimes, even you.” You said it all, even though Heimdall was slowly moving closer to you with each word you said, and you were backing up against the wall.

You backed away until you had nowhere else to go, and he only stopped when your bodies were almost touching. You tried not to show how this closeness affected you, especially closeness from him. But you couldn't force your heart to slow down or take your mind far away from him.

“Are you suggesting that I desire you?” He asked, taking your chin and lifting it so that you looked him in the eyes before he leaned over to you and all you could see were his eyes shining in the darkness around him. “I'm suggesting it's the other way around.” Yeah, he can read me like an open book…  He moved closer to your ear, as he spoke, his lips brushing your earlobe. “I remember how you moaned under me and begged for more. Now you're doing the same, only silently.”

“Yes, I suggest it.” You answered an earlier question he asked. “Otherwise, instead of simply reminding me of what happened, you'd be making fun of me. And you certainly wouldn't be standing that close.”

After your words, he clearly wanted to pull away, as if to prove that he was above some stupid feelings. But you put your hand on his cheek, holding him close.

You pushed your head away from the wall and pressed your lips together. It was one of the few things you remembered from that night - his soft lips on yours and the rest of your body. Only now it is not just a hazy memory, but a completely clear experience that will stay with you for the rest of your life.

Suddenly, Heimdall jerked away from you, slamming his hand against the wall next to your head. You almost jumped at the sudden change in his mood.

“Never do that again.” He snapped, quickly walking away in the direction known only to himself.

And you stayed there, trying to process what just happened, why did he suddenly reject you? What happened to make him move away so abruptly?

You walked away only when you heard the peasant come out of his hut to see what hit the wall so hard.

But you went in the opposite direction to Heimdall.

~ -> general masterlist -> God of War: Ragnarök masterlist

¿Part 2? With a smut probably?

[aengelren]

hi, in the tags of the post about others ignoring eren's depression you said that you feel like in ch 125 he cried out for help a lot--i wonder if you meant a different chapter? 125 is the one with annie's backstory and eren isn't in it.

i'm super curious about this part of aot, to me it seems about equally as likely that someone did try to talk with him, and eren just wasn't honest, and that noone did

talking about this post

hey! you’re right, it’s chapter 123. excuse me for the long reply but here we go

I think Eren’s depression was emphasized in this chapter and how far along the line he was to the point of not being able to enjoy the sights they previously dreamt of

at this point, Eren knew the people he would kill people, innocent people, like he once was. said himself that he’s no be better than Reiner. an absolute hypocrite, which is proven when he saves Ramzi from the bullies, knowing he’d kill him later. he’s a walking contradiction, and hates himself for it. the feeling when you’re doing something wrong, while being aware of your wrongdoings yet you can’t stop, he self destructs and is unable to deal with the guilt that follows

nobody hates Eren more than himself, there’s no reason to love a monster like him, so why does she never leave his side?

he believed he couldn’t be loved, because he doesn’t love himself. The concept of somcone loving him was unfathomable. We see it throughout the series, he's constantly refered to as a monster, hits deep depression in season 3 where he thinks the world would be in a better place if he was dead, felt like a burden because everyone kept blaming the scouts deaths on him. Even in s4 when he's universally referred to as a devil but no longer fights to prove otherwise. so the fact that Mikasa always wants to be close to him isn't something he understands. He needs confirmation, why does she protect him all the time? Is it because she lost her family? Since Eren himself felt undeserving

Eren wasn’t being honest with them, but what depressed person is?

that doesn’t mean anyone else is to blame, Eren is fully responsible for his actions and we don’t know if talking out the mess in his head would help. personally, I don’t think it would. Eren craved an empty world(that’s up for another discussion) but i still feel emphasize with his self hatred, and the fact that he self destructed to the point of (rightfully) losing the life he could’ve lived and even regretting it in his final moments. (i can go into specifics if anyone feels confused)

so, did his friends ignore the visible changes in him after kissing Historias hand? yes. it’s like Hanji said, they were too naive and Eren felt he had to act on his own, (but then again, he chose to start hiding the truth from them even before kissing her hand, in court when he realized Dina was of royal blood.) HOWEVER, i don’t think that’s relevant to the eventual outcome as i believe Eren would do the rumbling regardless, but i do think it made his sendoff a lot more heartbreaking, knowing he spent his last years, trapped in a bundle of past and ‘future’ memories, a load on his shoulders that he never burdened anyone else with and no one bothered to do something about (Mikasa tried) and yes, i am fully aware they all had their own stuff to think about. i’m not trying to blame the rumbling on them

Mikasa reflected on the outcome if she had given him another answer that day, and we saw that they would’ve ran away from it all. in the cabin Eren says he couldn’t bring himself to commit genocide, that’s how we know it’s an impossible future. a desire he has but Eren wasn’t born to live a normal life. “because Eren and death, are inextricably inbound” -lost girls

he’s generally a very tragic character, which makes it hard not to feel for his humanity but there’s no ignoring the destructive part of him. sorry for reeling off but to get back to the point, i think he was very lost and that his friends ignored it until it blew he became someone that couldn’t be saved, but in the end it might’ve not mattered. “you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved”

thanks for reading!

(since i can’t add any more panels i’ll reblog with the ones i want to share)

[todomitoukei]

Replying because I saw your bnhavent post so thank you for making this space! I only made this tumblr to follow bnha content and will likely delete when the endorphin train of new content dies down but I have read bnha since 2018, specifically because it made the villains and todoroki story compelling and a refreshing take on how victims in media at large are portrayed. With this hurricane of an ending I have whiplash. He took several interesting, dynamic relationships with cool societal critics boiled in and turned this series into a D level shonen ending. “Better get saved before you hit your breaking point or you’re not savable” that’s what touya, shigaraki, and toga can teach you in this series. And people in powerful spots, like the #1 hero, will always be above critical review and the law in hero society. With touya’s story I’m even more frustrated because he lacked closure. He barely gave touya a conclusion because touya rose in popularity after it was too late to back track in the writing for him. I am usually picky about stories that I read in fiction because I want to enjoy them for pleasure while I have an intensive job mentality. I enjoy the occasion tragedy but I need to know it’s a tragedy going on. I do not read optimistic fiction to have my heart broken miserably . Apologies for the ranting

No need to apologize, this is exactly why I made that post because, like you said, the story didn't start off tragic like this.

One of the things writers need to be aware of is that they make certain indirect promises to readers at the start of their story. One of the main promises a writer makes is in regards to the genre/tone of the story, which is why there is such a divide in the fandom in the first place - if you look at the first season, it's overall a light-hearted story. Yes, occasionally there was some seriousness to it, but nothing that was focused on too much or rather it was all quickly turned around into something more hopeful.

For example, Deku being told to jump off that roof was never painted as too serious since he continued to consider himself friends with the person that told him that. While that in itself could be considered a concerning response, the story simply never paints this as an issue, it feels more like a way to show how good-hearted he is for sticking to people and seeing the good in them even when they don't act that way.

That promise then got broken with the lov, specifically their backstories. Sure, Shouto's backstory in season 2 was also on the serious and dark side, but the difference is that he is arguably in a better spot, whereas the lov's existence shows how physically and mentally damaging abuse and discrimination can be to the point that people almost die, become homeless, turn to crime etc etc.

A lot of people got into bnha because of the season 1 light-heartedness, a fun story about a kid who tries to become a hero against all odds. It's only natural that people who enjoy stories like that to be turned away when the story starts taking on more horror elements, like when we get to see little Tenko kill his family for example.

So I think having those two very different tones and genres was one of the downfalls of this story and the reason he ultimately failed to write an ending that feels consistent and just.

Aside from that promise being broken, he obviously also backtracked and retconned so much that the story ended up not living up to the various expectations it set up for the readers throughout the story.

[nativadron]

Autumn Breezes (Part I)

pairings: Mick Schumacher/Justine Huysman, Mick Schumacher/original female character (later, as the story goes)

tags: mick schumacher, michael schumacher, justine huysman, corinna schumacher, gina-maria schumacher

disclaimer: this work is going to have several parts that I intended to share with you part by part (I hope I can share it with you sooner since I had it already in my draft and just to find the right time to do it!). At the moment, this is part 1 for you! Enjoy!

warnings: bullying, harsh language, labelling, racism, identity covering, identity crisis, anxiety, mild violence

note: this is an art of fanfiction. all images and lines displayed in this post belong to me as the author and the creator. you can also find me on Wattpad (@Hadiwasito16). feel free to visit my works (Winds of Summer is already published there!) and hit the vote button/comment as you like! Thank you!

--

London, 1958

It was a different time back then when I was still unable to learn what made my family a runaway. Things haven’t changed; I still live in the shadows. Being of German descent still makes me aware enough that I have eyes on me and they never should know who I am.

I am fourteen and never looked like I wanted to be doing my life; growing up and putting things as if they were more than a dream of thousand dreams of mine.

“Mick!”

“Yes, Dad?”

“Come! Help me with the machine, will you?”

My Dad, Michael, was a retired Air Commander of The Royal Air Force. He is now a local mechanic, opening a car shop in town and I will be a helping hand for a whole day at the weekend and I’m not even bored to do it. He is a determined worker, as he always had before. He is also selfless, knowing that a good heart will always bring goodness too.

“Dad?”

“How was it to be an Air Commander?”

Michael is sure that war stories are never a good thing to be told to children, even to his son. “There was nothing special of being a man that grew to lead a thousand men,”

“I was born to be lucky. That’s what I always believe.”

Being a fourteen-year-old kid is not something I would imagine to be some kind of exciting. For the first 13 years, I felt good surrounded by the ones I loved most. Then, I had to embrace the outside world as I started to reach my second year at a local secondary school. It is just about a mile or two from my home, so I will mostly ride my bike in the morning. Mama always packs me lunch and some snacks too, in case I have to stay longer for an extracurricular activity.

Today as any other day, I would be listed as the earlier student to get into school as I hate to be late. On my way to the classroom, I saw a girl who also caught me yesterday and the last year of my life here as a student and wondered why she was mostly spending her time alone and sitting there with her only favourite book. She seemed so content, only there was something that I couldn’t extract from her eyes but I felt sadness other than any I could recognise. If I may meet her again during the break time, I would try to make my first encounter with her and I hope I wouldn’t make it more uncomfortable for her.

“Look at now, a Shoemaker just landed!”

Unbelievable. As I think that my second year will be greater than ever, this boy and his fellow are a complete mess to ruin my day.

“As plainer as any Nazis could ever exist!”

“Even he didn’t know that he probably might be a Nazi!”

Some other students are putting this thing highly over me as they would describe me as someone of a non-English breed. It is true, only I never knew why they had to call me such. As much as I hate it, I’m still wondering too, whether I am of German descent that also got something behind it more than just an identity that made me of a man that walked this earth.

I let them by as if I never heard any mockery got my ears burned. As I turn to look at the same spot where the girl is sitting, our eyes meet and I can sense how much she gets questions about me. She doesn’t stay and walks away as the time for the class comes just right at the time.

Since I recognise myself as a bright-brainer, I never felt any class would be such an annoyance to my day. I would beat everything in a single go and pass it well. If I got stuck or found any difficulties, I would still manage to get through and done. The class is over and I run instantly out from the classroom to the school’s garden where the girl is mostly caught to spend her day there and I hope I can meet her.

As I am breathlessly trying to catch my breath, there she is, reading a book with a lunchbox in her lap. I regain all my thoughts and fix my posture before I finally walk down the path to claim my seat that is positioned across from her.

“Hello! Do you mind if I join you?”

I’ve never really been a good conversationist, but she looks at me hesitantly. She was a little bit tense, but then a welcoming smile reached her lips that offered to me and I couldn’t be more grateful to be welcomed by her. I hope this is some kind of gaining her trust towards me as I wish that this thing would go on since today’s encounter.

I unpack my lunchbox and dive instantly for the pasta carbonara that my mom made for me this morning. I also got an apple and some broccoli inside, which I am grateful for filling up my lunch break.

“That spaghetti isn’t telling much about you, I bet.”

I was about to have my first chew, but she stopped me. “Why is that? Do people measure a person’s identity from their food these days?”

She closes her book and secures it next to her. I reckon that she almost finished her lunch too, “Shoemaker, right? I bet you’re a true Englishman but not from London. You must be from The Isle of Scotland or maybe Ireland.”

I don’t care much about it as I take my first chew slowly. She waits for me, patiently and not even intimidating at all.

“Scotland? Never heard of people telling me that I am Scottish. Even worse, Ireland is far from expectation after all.”

“Really? Your name seemed fit.”

“My accent betrays me.”

“So does your appearance.”

That strikes me deeply. Fewer stings, but deep. If this is another way to get bullied, I would rather never listen to her anymore. “What do you think of me?”

“So, I’ve heard, but I don’t think less of you as any of boys did. You’re probably less English, but I never think that you are of a Nazi. What makes them define you as the lowly subject that earth ever had?”

“I am, too, not coming from here. Being Dutch is never a big thing, only I got labelled as Indische Conqueror, even though I got nothing correlated to my country’s actions.”

Her preaching weirdly touches me. I almost hate that she will be just like any other who throws a mock at my face, but she is turning out to be stuck in the same situation as I am. We are the commoners to the royals of the court, so it seems.

“I am Mick. Mick Shoemaker… as you’ve known.”

It’s always weird to be the one who offers a handshake, but she takes my hand delightfully. Her smile mirrors my comfort upon meeting her as everything began to loosen up and flow better between us.

“Justine Huysman.”

And the conversation goes on until we both realize that time makes us walk again to have another class.

I’ve grown better since I met Justine. I don’t know what it may be, but I haven’t decided any to be called feelings. I think we are fine. And I love to have her around without anything to worry about; which is, our feelings for each other.

“So, Justine… why they nicknamed you that?”

Justine shrugs, but that’s not because she didn’t get any idea of it. “Well, colonialism. Maybe you should listen to the radio daily and not stress about what you did with your Dad in his car shop.”

“Hey, it’s nothing to brag about! That’s my shared hobby with him, by the way.”

“Oh? Contradictive, it seems, considering your last name doesn’t suit your hobby in any way.”

“Stop that!”

“Okay, okay! I’m just being hilarious, that’s all!”

We’ve been riding our bikes together since our first day knowing each other. She enjoyed my company along the way on the way home, and so did myself. Sometimes, we take a different path just to make our ride last longer and feel the time well spent together. Time after time, it feels like I almost can’t think of having my day without her. But, I’m afraid. I’m afraid that she doesn’t call this anything but some kind of passable moment we have.

One day, it becomes harder to contain my burdened feelings about her. I decided to call it love. Her, as everything above stars and galaxies, is my first love.

We walk toward the sea of flowers that noon on Saturday, side by side while pushing our bikes slowly. The sun is amazingly bright but does not sting the skin. Justine brought me here and she said that this is her favourite spot to spend some time alone with her books. After quite a while, we finally sit and talk casually. I’m sharing about my work in the car shop and she tells me about her hometown back in the Netherlands. With such amazing eyes looking at me, she is sparkling with happiness and her precious memories about her past life there and I am touched.

I grow to adore her; her happiness, her sincerity, her selfless mind. And that’s the first time, without any doubt, I decided I couldn’t be a liar anymore. I can’t be hiding as I never know how to call it better when I never said the word.

“Ich hab dich lieb, Justine.”

It’s just blurted out. I don’t even feel any single guilt upon confessing my true feelings toward her.

“You spoke German?”

“What?”

“Did you just speak German?”

I knew that I shouldn’t, I knew that this would be a mistake, “I… I did.”

She holds my hand. I am looking at her, feeling extremely scared and I can feel my cheeks flushed, but then she greets me with a smile. Still, I don’t even know what it means until she envelops both of my hands and holds them all together.

“I’ve loved you first, Mick.”

And my heart never felt the same as the past weeks before; restless and blue. She puts a beat that I never want to trade for another. And I don’t feel insecure or betrayed by my surroundings for the first time.

“How?”

“I guess it just comes as a resolution of meeting someone that had the same fate in an unexpected place, Mick.” 

And I kiss her there, for the first time when the autumn breeze blows.

-

After our last meeting, I didn’t see her at school. I’ve grown weary as if I never got to see her again. What if it’s true? Or, what if she is not seeing through what we had as one?

“Hey, Shoemaker!”

I was in the middle of a hurry when all those bullies called me. I don’t spare my time for them and keep running, but they pull me out of the hallway and slam me against the wall in the bathroom.

“Don’t you dare to call us off, you Nazi!”

“I don’t have time for this, I have to go home.”

“Home? I don’t see why you have to go home early.”

“That’s why you just don’t see it why!”

“So, what? You want to run to the Nazi Dad of yours to find help?”

Nazi.

Nazi.

Nazi.

I am nothing Nazi. I have never been such.

“I am not a Nazi!”

That was the first time I called myself to hit them. I don’t care if I have to be bruised, but I will walk away free and justify how much I hate to be labelled something that I am not even a part of.

“I AM NOT A NAZI!”

I can finally feel how much I loved to stand up for myself, but they still had the upper hand and I am the minor. I have fought for what I believed I was not, yet they are still unbeatable. They knocked me out when I thought I would be the winner. It’s like I don’t have a chance to be alive anymore: to feel equal and free as I have always been.

“Blue-eyed Nazi!”

“Dirty Aryan!”

“Go back to Germany!”

I never thought I would cry wholly when they are beaming at me, madly satisfied that their mockery hits me.

How do they know that I am German?

Why did they call me a Nazi?

I don’t even know that I am an Aryan breed.

I don’t even know if I had a place I called home in Germany.

“Hey! What is going on here?!”

And that’s when the hitting stops. I can taste bile in my mouth, even my eyesight is far from better. I try to get up, but only get to fall again. But at least, I get to see Justine that stands there but still so far to reach out.

And I pass out.

-

The next time I woke up, I saw my mom with a worry-plastered face. Dad is not so different, even. Gina is the worst. I am hurt, but not so deep as my aching pride upon seeing them together here makes me even smaller.

“No, you better lay still, son.”

“Dad, it is—” Yes, it hurts. Even my eyes were barely able to see. But at least, I am not fading.

“I told you. It’s all going to be fine if you lay still.”

“Why you weren’t at school?” I know, I am supposed to worry about my condition, but I can’t let my mind slide and not ask her why she is here instead of school.

“Mick, you were being silly, you know that?”

“I—well, still, you’re supposed to be at school.”

“Stop it. Both of you. It’s not time for arguing.”

“We’re not arguing—” and that sounds weirder than ever to have the same word thrown over at the same time with a person who is not on the same page with you.

“Dad, it is not me who started all—”

“I knew you didn’t, son. You would have not.”

Still, it doesn’t give me the reassurance I want. I’m afraid he didn’t believe me. And I know that I am never good at reasoning.

“My dearest, I’d like to speak with Mick briefly.”

“I will take Gina to the cafeteria. Do you want anything?”

“No, thank you, my love. We’ll be fine.”

Dad takes a spot on the edge of the bed and sits comfortably as he lays one of his hands on my leg. He doesn’t seem to be angry with me or hold a grudge to the recent event.

“I would never ask whom or when the event happened. I just want to know if you are all right,” He knows all too well that asking for details will only ruin everything for me and I did appreciate that.

“I just want to know if our presence here is nothing to make you feel that you are smaller than the ones who did this to you. You are loved. That’s all you have to understand.”

“What if it’s not what it looks like? What if these will only make them consider that I am nothing but a weak boy?”

“You are not weak. You found help and we will always help you. Nothing will ever change that, Mick.”

It’s like time changing. Too fast, barely there to breathe and bask in. It is slipping out of my touch. Now I’m here, looking in the mirror and taking a long deep breath to start another new page of the journey. School is another thing I enjoy as the bullies are moving out. They get a bright future ahead as their parents pursue their goals somewhere better than in The United Kingdom. We made amends, though. That’s what relieves me the most.

Justine is making everything easy, too. I never ask for such a blessing to come right at me, but she sure is. And we grow closer.

“So, what’s in your head at the moment?”

We are staring at the sun above us with our eyes closed, basking in the light, with our hands entwined as we lie side by side in the grass. We never thought that months after our first encounter, it would become a thing that I would adore and nurture. I’m sure I wouldn’t be the same man if I hadn’t met her in the first place.

“I’m thinking of surviving school, of course!”

She laughs as if she didn’t intend to do the same thing. “Well, we both will! But, what’s ahead of everything we had at the moment?”

There, I am sure I haven’t thought about anything at the moment, of what lies ahead of me. It’s almost pointless and to be not disturbed by becoming a hard thinker, is surely peculiar.

“I can only say nothing,”

“Nothing?”

“But surely, I am grateful we are in the present moment. Together. Surviving.”

“Surviving… yes, we both are.”

I hold her hand, beam at the sight and feel silly for being in love with someone I used to call a friend. She smiles, surely sending a thousand watts of happiness that justifies my everlasting love for her. Maybe, in another year, I could look back and call this a fling.

Or maybe, I could let this memory alive and call this real love.

That dusk, we ride our bicycles together, side by side and holding each other’s hands. Justine is smiling all the way home and I don’t even bother to look at it for another year if God allows me.

“See you sooner, Germania!”

“See you sooner, Dutch!”

I swear that she can be the only one who called me Germania.

--

“Mick! Oh, where have you been?”

“You know I won’t go anywhere far, Dad. How’s today?”

“Let me take a look at you.”

I am as red as a tomato, fell in love, and am extremely happy with the person who bought my love back. What is there to hide?

“You are… okay, I suppose?”

“Indeed, I am.” A cheeky one. I can’t even let my Dad mock me for being in love.

“Who’s the other girl?”

Oh, here it comes. “My friend. A dear friend, I could say.”

“And her name is?”

“Justine. She’s Dutch.”

“Nederlander? Are you sure?”

“Yes, Dad. She is.”

“She seems a good companion.”

“Oh, Dad, please—”

“I’m not teasing you! I know she is well-mannered and surely raised in a better family environment.”

“That is the fact.”

“All right, get washed up and be ready for dinner. Your mother is waiting for you.”

“Be there a minute, Dad!”

“So, you met a girl?”

“Seems everyone is conspiring to know about my days recently.”

“No, Mick. I saw you too, don’t you realise?”

“I bet you do.”

Even Gina is not looking less like my Dad. She is digging something. “There is nothing I could tell about her. I am trying to get to know her more.”

“I am convinced that she does the same way as you.”

“I just—I’m afraid I lost her before I knew her.”

Gina walks forward and gently squeezes my shoulders, “I don’t think she will leave you.”

“How do I know she won’t?”

“Believe is not something hard to do, is it?”

“No, it isn’t.” I smile.

“Now, that looks better! So, how about some more tea?”

“Yes, please.”

[gaypanicmode7766259]

oooh okay how about reader was in the place of siddiq when alpha took everyone. carol stops talking to r and r over hears her talking to daryl “i can’t even look at her.”

and maybe r has a panic attack or some kind of break where she’s back in that place where it’s all happening and carol finds her.

You guys don't understand how happy these requests make me- (I know they are angst, but I'm so happy people are asking me to write things, especially about Carol!! Yes, I'm aware i'm being stupid-)

Oh baby girl, I'm so sorry..

Carol peletier x reader

(You decide if it's romantic or platonic because I could see it going both ways-)

Warnings: panic attacks, depression, running away, angst (I was half asleep writing this so if it's bad I'm sorry-)

After the pikes, I shut down.. I was locked inside my head with the memories of what happened that night.. why did they spare me?.. Why did she spare.. me?..

I sat on a cot after the fact just lost in my head.. Carol avoided me when me and siddiq walked out of those woods.. why would she.. avoid me?.. and then I came back to reality when I heard her voice.. I slowly and quietly got up from the cot and walked up to the curtain door just standing out of sight as I listened to her and daryl talk..

"They awake?.." Carol asked in an almost calm voice, and daryl hummed a yes "are.. you gonna go see 'em?.." he asked, sounding almost as confused as I felt.. "I.. I don't think I could even look at them.." Carol confessed, and I couldn't hear again.. I felt hurt and lost.. and I needed her.. she was my... my person..

~a while later~

I was back on my feet working again and doing my part.. but I was different.. I was quiet and distant from everyone. I was always lost in my head, and I basically just ignored almost everyone.. we were going to meet them that night.. the council and.. she apparently requested me to be there.. why would she do that..

I was still going to go.. to figure this mess out..

~later that night~

On the way there, I stopped.. I stared at a familiar building.. I could feel eyes on me.. and then daryl came up to me. "Hey you-" was all I could hear before everything went quiet again, and then I looked at Carol..

My breathing got heavy, and I couldn't think straight, so I just ran off.. I could hear daryl yelling my name as I ran, and tears started to pool in my eyes before rolling down my cheeks and off into the wind while I ran.. I only stopped in the middle of the woods when I fell from how bad my lungs were burning.. I just started to sob, not thinking about the walkers or the whispers.. I couldn't think about anything but her words.. "I can't even look at them"

After everything I went through.. why wasn't she there.. was supposed to protect me... she promised..

"Honey.." I jumped at the sudden voice and then looked up to see Carol.. she still wasn't looking at me fully. "Go away.." I whispered my voice rough with my crying. I was trying so hard to look numb.. trying to push my emotions away but it only made it worse as those images of that night popped into my head and I started to cry in a panic as I held my head hitting it a few times trying to get them out..

Carol immediately came over to me, kneeling in front of me and quickly grabbing my hands to stop me from hitting myself. "Look at me, baby.. look at me.." Carol said calmly, but you could hear the worry.. "Baby, you are safe.. you're safe, honey.. you're ok? You're not there. You are here, with me. you're safe." She kept repeating as she cupped my check to make me look at her and wipe my tears..

When she saw the pain in my eyes, I could see the guilt and sadness in hers.. "Oh... baby girl, I am so sorry.." Carol pulled me in for a very tight hug..

"I'm so sorry.."

[figula]

less christmassy mental illness posting (not incredibly doomy or anything just also not huge festive)

think the OCD might have snuck in teh back door again in a way i didnt immediately recognise :) this seems to be a pattern every winter now + every year im like taken aback by the form it takes? like a few years ago it was "you are a lesbian x", at some point it was ruminating obsessively over my past bad actions, at some point it was obsessing over my relationship with ben and whether or not it was "perfect", and im not actually sure what it is this time?? i just feel similar as i usually do in an OCD flare but without the actual thoughts that i can make sense of?? if that makes sense??

this is going to sound slightly ridiculous (very ridiculous) to anyone who doesnt understand how random triggers can be but i think it might have been watching fellow travelers?? scream... i didnt even like it... i think the whole love story across the ages thing possibly set off my "perfect relationship" obsessive thoughts a bit without me really noticing (a few years ago i couldnt watch any lesbian content bc it panicked me so much bc i just could not stop the intrusive thoughts that i am a lesbian lmfao) as well as the fact it involves a man in a straight marriage when he's really gay + maybe this hit a few of my ocd buttons too, thinking about it for the first time as i literally type this post lol (yes im sure this is ocd btw, i feel like i should always make the clarification that this isnt legitimate lesbian questioning or anything, i know ive posted the same thing a few times over the years + i think everyone believes me lol but im just v aware its such an annoyingly plausible thing that happens all the time which im p sure is why my brain has gifted me with it. not to put too fine a point on it but i love dick / will happily put dick in my mouth and/or jerk it off / have watched gay porn bc men are sexy to me / never actually fantasise about women (or anyone, but that's a different thing lol) / my first crush was on a boy my age and i absolutely loved him lol / i love sex with ben + will initiate it a lot and definitely dont see it as a chore or something to get through. you know blah blah etc. its just one of those things) im also thinking it might have something to do with fellow travelers bc youtube kept recommending me fellow travelers shorts and every time i saw the show on my recs page i got distressed. i did notice this at the time but i was so baffled i wasnt really sure what to make of it so i just tried to ignore it bc what the actual fuck

tbf i was already not doing brilliantly before fellow travelers but maybe i should be a bit more careful about the themes of shit i watch in the winter when im always more vulnerable to insanity creeping in lol!! nothing about true love or gayness!!!!! or hiding said gayness!!!!!

god what a post!! im actually ok tonight like im not crying at my desk or anything. (i was a few nights back mind you) i was just musing. christmas