#YES. HE GETS OFF TO PEOPLE BEING HURT BUT THAT WAS A COPING TRAUMA RESPONSE TO THE FACT LIKE 38476474848483736 PEOPLE ARE DEPENDING ON HIM

[noctilu-uca]

11:29 PM and im spending my night tweaking out over media misunderstandings. WHAT DO YOU MENA YOU AHEV NO MEDIA LITERACY HIW THE FUCK DO YOU MESS IT UO THATAT BADD UUUHGHHHHH WHATGFYHEFUCM ARE YOUU SAAYYIINNNNGGG

[sepublic]

I wonder if part of the reason for Flapjack’s death was to contrast how Hunter handled his own grief over a lost loved one, vs Philip’s response?

There’s the immediate reactions of pushing people away; Philip refuses the kindness of the locals in his search for Caleb and especially afterwards, tries to kill Evelyn, and rebukes his own brother in favor of holding onto bitterness.

Hunter becomes snappy, aggressive, and closed off after losing Flapjack; Like Philip, he devotes himself to a mission of finding a fellow Wittebane, and gets frustrated over any perceived frivolities and distractions.

But eventually, Hunter recognizes that while his trauma is valid, he’s also been pushing Willow away and placing a lot of burden on her as well. It’s okay that he was triggered by the Emerald Entrails photo instead of reassured, but part of Hunter and Willow’s resolution is the former clarifying that yes, her efforts to reach out do mean a lot to him. And Willow means a lot to Hunter too, that’s why he wants to reciprocate and accept, instead of causing her to feel just as ineffectual by refusing help; Willow deserves help too!

Not only that, but Philip and Hunter both created living beings as a coping mechanism, only for one to be unhealthy, while the other actually recovered. Philip is obsessed with creating perfect replicas of Caleb, casting out Grimwalkers for being too different from the mold, not good enough, and keeping them all to himself; The Grimwalkers aren’t allowed their own lives nor any other relationships.

Hunter makes palismen for others, he’s giving people the companionship he himself lost, and he isn’t designing anything after Flapjack, not necessarily; Just whatever a witch needs. Even his personal palisman, Waffles, is visually different while still hearkening to Flapjack, because Hunter is a Clawthorne after all; He can move on and be himself while also honoring his connections with others, and not become unhealthily dependent or averse to them.

Hunter made Waffles and thus must’ve chosen these differences, or carved an egg like Luz did, so his palisman could choose a form. I find that wonderfully ironic, for while Hunter has more control over how his creations turn out, he doesn’t abuse this to create a replica of Flapjack; He enables and encourages variation instead, while Philip gambles to make each Grimwalker closer to the original, eliminating any deviations as if that will alter the odds.

One uses control to give to others, the other has no control and desperately wants it over others. Philip grows and Hunter whittles away, but it’s Hunter who proves more nurturing and free. Both used palistrom wood, but Hunter’s coping mechanism encourages its growth, while Philip hoards and even devours it.

Hunter surpasses his uncle by suffering in similar ways, only to show that you can still recover without hurting others; Philip really does have no excuse, for Hunter is an example of the person he easily could and should’ve been in response to loss. Philip tried to spread his pain by repeating it in others, he killed Flapjack (and projected onto Luz, as if to absolve himself by claiming she should do the same, since anyone else would’ve); But Hunter looked his uncle in the eye and said No, I will not be a vector for your bitterness.

[actual-changeling]

no, yes I understand that. i understand that crowley does not want to be an angel again. everyone understands that crowley does not want to be an angel again. saying that crowley never fully expressed this to aziraphale except in general anger at the system and The Way Things Are is not a diss on crowley. just from what we’ve seen, he didn’t. it’s just an unfortunate thing that happened when aziraphale and crowley’s respective mindsets and traumas clashed. the show isn’t calling out aziraphale and saying “look at this toxic person. he is the problem.” it’s calling out an abusive system and how it fucks up people in different ways and how those people try and, sometimes fail, cope with it.

First of, no one is "pointing" at Aziraphale and saying he is the problem, at least I am not.

Discussing a character's flaws, mistakes, and hurtful actions is not pointing, it's called having a nuanced discussion; just because I don't try and excuse all of his bullshit with "but he loves Crowley :(" doesn't mean I hate him. And no, not everyone understands that Crowley does not want to return to heaven, I have seen many, many posts DIRECTLY saying that he does.

Is it an abusive system? Yes.

Does that mean Aziraphale gets a free pass to hurt Crowley and not work on himself? No. No it very much does not. It's not fucking unfortunate, it's a lack of respect for the person he claims to love.

BECAUSE it is an abusive system he needs to work harder to unlearn all the shit they push into people's heads. Crowley has done so. Gabriel and Beelzebub have done so. Several demons and angels have done so. Aziraphale has not—and that is his responsibility and his failure, not anyone else's, and not something that can be written off as "but he's having a hard time :((".

Yeah, so is everyone else, and you don't see Crowley being that cruel and hurtful.

Aziraphale refusing to listen to Crowley is not on Crowley for "miscommunicating", it's on Aziraphale for NOT LISTENING. The show is calling out people being lazy and prioritising their personal comfort over everything else, just like Aziraphale is doing. It's calling out individuals continuing abusive, unhealthy patterns because they're "afraid" of change.

Failing to cope means you stay the fuck away from people until you can cope. Mental illness and trauma do not give you a free pass to not work on yourself jesus fucking christ.

[andreal831]

I wanted to fully answer this question so sorry for how long this is. I think it’s important to remember a lot of the scenes people use to attack haylijah are scenes where one or both characters are going through heavy trauma and this impacts what they say and do. They both come to the relationship with their own baggage and it shows. I won’t ever say they have a completely non-toxic relationship because there are definitely issues there, like every other ship, but I think people like to point it out more for them because the writers lived to create artificial obstacles for them. 

For instance, you mention Elijah not accepting Hayley as a vampire, which is not really accurate. He was devastated when he thought she died, the writers deleted a lot of these scenes. When he discovered she was alive, he was scared to lose her again and feel that pain again. They also deleted the scene where Elijah is comforting her and ready to help her through the transition. But when they have to send Hope away, Hayley falls apart and gives into the harsher elements of being a vampire. I know people say that someone trying to stop a new vampire from this is trying to “fix”/“control” them, but that’s wrong. Elijah knew Hayley never wanted to be like that. He knew she was spiraling because she lost the two most important things in her life, her identity as a wolf and her daughter. Which is why he tells Klaus to take her to her pack so they can cope together. This ends up being the thing that pulls her out of her depression. Klaus never would have noticed or cared enough to do this if Elijah hadn’t intervened.

We also get the flashbacks of Elijah stepping away from Marcel when he was a child because of Klaus. This parallel is very purposeful. Elijah takes a step back from Hayley, not because he doesn’t accept her but because he thinks it’s what both Hayley and Klaus need. He also worries what will happen to her or what Klaus would do if he didn't step back. He does it because he loves her so much he’s willing to give her space to work through her pain in the way she needs. He prioritizes her recovery over his desire to help her. People also are unfairly hard on him when Hayley tells him she hates that she is a monster like him and he is hurt and doesn’t say anything back. His biggest fear is the people he loves seeing him for “what he is,” a monster and Hayley tells him she doesn’t want to be like him. He doesn’t know how to handle this so he reacts badly. They are all in so much pain, you can’t hold either of their words against them. 

We also have to remember how terrified Elijah is that Klaus will harm Hayley if he shows her too much affection. Throughout season 1, Elijah is pulling away because he sees the telltale signs that Klaus is about to go off the deep end, like he did when Elijah fell in love with Celeste or the many times he killed someone Rebekah loved. Elijah also mentions that Celeste was not the first time. Elijah is trying to protect Hayley and his own heart by staying away and not allowing himself to say what he wants to say to her. 

The scenes with Hayley and Jackson in the bayou ub season 4 really made no sense except to create division between haylijah. Hayley always knew who the Mikaelsons were and fell in love with Elijah for who he was. She tried so hard to make it work with Jackson, but it never did. Yes, I think it is a perfectly normal response for her to have been scared of Elijah after seeing him lose control in his mind, but I also think she understands it wasn’t him and he would never hurt her. But she was thinking of Hope and she didn’t want Hope to be like that, to be like her, because we know Hayley is just as capable of being like that. This was all clearly a trauma response because she goes and visits him in France and is clearly still in love with him, saying she believed they were destined to be together and that she would wait for him in the next life. I wholeheartedly believe if Elijah hadn’t immediately erased his memories, Hayley would have gone after him after she had gotten Hope settled into school and had time to think. They both acted quickly and in pain and made bad decisions that don’t reflect their true feelings or intentions. 

They had a deep connection throughout the show and this is often disregarded because of a handful of scenes where they were at their lowest. Their trauma responses don’t define them as people or as a couple, rather it should be defined by their devotion for each other even when everything was attempting to keep them apart. 

[clangenrising]

Haha, no offense, but starting now, I really dislike Aldertail. She judges cats by their covers (ahem, Mystique, ahem). Also, I am a Scorchplume Hater now. She used Mystique, who was kind enough to help her, and now is like, “She deserves it.” When she’s imprisoned. Once again, no offense intended, just my personal opinion.

You are definitely entitled to your opinion but hoo boy I'm about to go to bat for my girls.

Out of all of the characters in RisingClan, Aldertail and Scorchplume are the ones who have recieved the most trauma and abuse, both at Razor's hand (directly or indirectly). Both of them have been deeply affected by that abuse in ways that can be ugly and messy! And thats normal and okay.

Aldertail has severe anxiety and OCD. When she heard there was an Exalted cat in camp (not just that but the sister of the dictator she's been running for her life from) she very justifiably went into a panic attack about it! Youre right that she doesn't know before she judges here but she does know what the Exalted are like. Most of them are cruel or at the very least indifferent to the suffering of the Chaff.

This would be like if a person in a fascist regime was on the run because they were going to be put to death for a thing they didn't even do and then a cop from that regime showed up in their new home. They would be pretty justified in think that cop would want to have them put to death! It doesn't matter if the cop is a nice person, they're still a cop and they have a great deal of incentive to follow the law that would get this person killed.

And with her anxiety/OCD, those fears quickly get out of control as in she cannot control them. They become all consuming to the point where she gets physically ill and she starts compulsively tearing up the fur on her legs in an attempt to soothe herself. Aldertail is terrified and it's not a moral failing for her to be that way. Its a result of her mental illness and PTSD.

Now, Scorch is less justified in her treatment of Mystique and I understand the people who are wary of her. She enjoys being mean to people, especially when she's feeling scared or upset. But this is itself a defense mechanism and a result of her PTSD. She has come to associate the ability to talk down to someone with the safety of being above them. If she can hurt you and not face consequences that means she's safe in her mind and so it reassures her to say those kinds of hurtful things.

And, like I said in another ask, Scorch's anger at Mystique is almost entirely based in the idea "if you wanted to help me this whole time, why did you sit by and do nothing while Razor was abusing me?" It feels like an injustice! And since she can't do anything to make Razor accountable for what he did, she settles for making the bystander who enabled him feel miserable.

Is that healthy? No. If she continues to do those kinds of things, she will likely end up isolating herself from everyone around her. But it is a very common response to abuse and it shouldn't be a moral failing on her part that Razor fucked her up. Of course, she is responsible for her actions, but what she needs is someone who will love and accept her even despite her flaws and who will try to help her move past them.

This is what restorative justice is about! If anyone who developed a harmful or maladaptive coping mechanism was immediately disqualified from having friends or receiving kindness or sympathy that would be a deeply terrible world to live in, I feel.

So yes, while I understand how you feel and you're entitled to your own opinions, I would urge you to practice exercising compassion. Look at people and think "why are they like this?" instead of immediately writing them off as Bad and Wrong.

[zagreusapollyon]

Nope, not rage bait. And I don't think the platform should really matter.

The thing is, it seems that Wu was straight-up not involved in what happened with Lloyd after his brother's banishment. if he even checked up on Misako once about him, he would find out that his nephew is in a school for evil, which is more fucked up than people realize. It makes it look like he just ignored his brother's son for years after his death, not seeking him out or keeping contact with Misako as one of Lloyd's only living relatives. If the ninjas had not found Lloyd when they did, Wu would not have found out about his nephew's whereabouts for an even longer period.

Here's the thing, Lloyd is still Wu's responsibility. For a Spinjitsu master, keeping track of a child and making sure they're safe should not be as hard as people make it out to be. Lloyd was a goddamn nine-year-old, Wu can easily body the main cast.

Based on his abilities and capabilities, I'm saying he doesn't really do a spectacular job at making sure his nephew is safe. Yes, Lloyd's destiny as the green ninja puts him at risk, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't still be going crazy trying protect a kid.

If Wu or Misako had actually taken care of the kid, so many things wouldn't have happened. The release of the Serpentine, the Great Devourer, Harumis Villain arc, Garmadon's revival as an oni, etc.

Honestly, Lou deserves way more slander than he gets. He neglected his son so badly that if it wasn't for the fang blade, Cole would have gone to ignore his father for YEARS. The only reason Cole even went to his father was for his mission, if he had it his way, he would not have contacted his father AT ALL. Yes, they made up eventually, but that doesn't erase the years of trauma he inflicted on Cole. He continuously ignored and neglected his son, and tried to force his image of an ideal son on his kid, and mind you, this all happened from the time Cole lost his mother up to his teenage years. If he was a real person, he would get FLAMED by people for his shitty ass patenting.

I can acknowledge that losing his wife hurt him, but that does not mean he can ignore and neglect his son and prioritize his work and family honor just to cope with his grief.

And you know what pisses me off the most? He did all these things and still had the AUDACITY to believe he was the one who was owed an apology. He believed himself to be entitled to an apology from Cole, even though he was in the wrong.

I'm glad they reconciled, but this does not excuse his behavior.

Yeah, but they never really got around to parenting their kid. Julien died a few months after Zane's creation, and Ray and Maya were kidnapped.

This might be my personal beef with how Ninjago writers handled Maya and Ray, but I wholeheartedly believe their kidnapping to be pure bullshit. These two were the fire and water ninjas, they fought in a goddamn war and battled alongside Wu and Garmadon, and you're telling me, they couldn't take on an old man with a crusty ass sword, in a weapons shop?

You know what, I'm gonna chuck it up to bad writing, at least they were good parents before they were kidnapped.

And I never said he is. My problem was that Garmadon, even with the venom, still fought hard to protect his son, he showed genuine love and was willing to shove his evil urges down to save his son. He fought until his last bit of strength ran out in the final battle, to stifle the overlord and give his son more advantage.

We see such an amazing parent he can be without the venom.

He was willing to sacrifice his life for his Son, he broke his vow to keep his son safe, and he tried to make it up to him by being there for him in all the ways that he could.

He's not a great parent at all, but he goes far beyond what anyone would expect a crazy warlord to be. He goes far above expectations placed on him.

Wu and Misako didn't, they never did what was expected of them, or even when they tried, they never reached the standard. These two are normal humans, they did not face the same challenges as Garmadon did, so I obviously have higher expectations for them than I do for Garmadon.

I never said it made them terrible people, you can't judge people based on one part of their character. Yeah, Wu has had his shortcomings, but it doesn't change the fact that he was a great mentor and a dear and trusted person.

Misako has made many mistakes, but we can't forget she also tried to make up for them, and the fact that she DOES love his son.

Lou was a grieving man, and while I still personally don't like him, I concede that this is my bias on his character.

I have no problem with these characters, but I do want to point out the flaws that most people seem to ignore. "Yes, this character is great, but these are their flaws." Because these flaws make the characters more interesting. Focusing on one aspect of these characters takes away from them.

I am sorry I went on a long rant lol.

OK we all agree that misako is a shit parent

BUT

Wu ain't that much better than her. This man lets his nephew stay in a school for future gang members and criminals, even though he has the full authority to take him back.

And after getting him back, he puts him in multiple dangerous situations with the other ninjas.

This is not a misako-defending post, I have thoughts on her too. She literally abandoned her kid at said school and decided to fuck off to who the hell knows where and study ancient scrolls. And not ONCE did she think about checking up on her goddamn SON.

Legit, the only semi-decent parental figure Lloyd has is the dude destined to bring doom and destruction wherever he goes.

Said dude risked his life to save his son, literally DIED, and perhaps the only person Lloyd genuinely could look up to.

Come to think of it, lord Garmadon is one of THE best parents in the show. The other being Ed and Edna.

Kai and Nya's parents were kidnapped by a fucking dude, Dr.Julien got down and dirty with death a little after Zane's creation and Cole's dad is a neglectful asshole. Jay is the only one with loving parents.

The bar is so low it's in the realm of the departed, yet they STILL manage to trip over it and dig even deeper.

No wonder these kids are the way they are, I would have ended up in an asylum after the first two traumatic events.

[shine-no-hitokiri]

This post is going to be fandom-critical and Loki series-appreciative, so get out and block/unfollow/whatever while you can if that's not your cup of tea.

There is a trend in many fandoms of characters who are in opposition to the hero (villains, antiheroes etc) that is critical of the "redemption through death" scenario. The latest that comes to mind is Star Wars, but there are countless examples. The typical in-story narrative is that the villain had committed too many crimes and there is no place for him in the new world where the heroes won, so he's killed off - usually not by heroes but by tragic circumstances that allow him some positive light before the end (Loki in Thor2, Ben Solo in SW). Fans of the character argue that a fully realised, slow redemption would be an awesome storyline, and that it'd be both interesting and refreshing to look at the life post wrongdoing.

So far, no mainstream media has ever done a fully realised, psychologically grounded redemption storyline. Hollywood go-to idea to rehabilitate the villain is to make the villain useful to the heroes and ultimately just "forget" about the initial transgression. The initial bad deed is never looked back on, addressed or analysed except maybe as a funny oneliner. Because addressing shit is hard... And also because, as Loki series has shown us, the fandom doesn't really want to see the true psychologically grounded redemption storyline.

For the Loki series is exactly this: the first time a character must face uncomfortable truths about themselves, to better themselves. This is a process that isn't nice. It's a beatdown after a beatdown. It's humiliating, soul-destroying, there is much kneeling and grovelling and unflattering names. The character isn't shown as pretty and composed, he isn't allowed to wear nice clothes that give him a feeling of power. He feels useless, powerless and messes up a lot, for his self esteem is gone. He doesn't strut around showing off magic feats and yes, almost everyone around him is shown in better light. Because that's what a true redemption storyline is like. It's a deconstruction of the ego. Eventually, it will lead to a stronger and better sense of self, but first we must crawl on the floor. And the fans, who usually overidentify with the character and his background, just cannot take seeing him, and by extension themselves, in that light.

So what does the fandom do?

1) Insist that Loki does not need a redemption storyline. Because he was tortured by Thanos (this is fanon), because he was influenced by scepter (this is still mostly fanon but has a bit more substance), because he was emotionally abused by Odin (this is almost canon). Now before you crucify me - these are my favourite fanons, my go-to fanfiction, I adore them all. But. There is absolutely nothing incorrect or malicious with the Loki series going "You know what? Loki still carved out that eyeball, and I am not going to sit here and "address" the fact that Odin emotionally neglected him, because that's already been shown and is in the past. I am going to postulate that Loki, deep in his core, is ashamed of himself for his deeds, and that bringing up Odin isn't going to solve that shame, and explore how Loki can move forward from there. The story isn't not going to be about Odin or Thanos, who are both gone and dead, it's going to be about Loki -who is the one who gets to live with the consequences."

2) Insist that the series hates Loki and was written specifically to humiliate him. This ties back to my thesis that the fandom simply does not want to see what a true psychological work of a redemption storyline looks like, for the ego beatdown is the essential part of it. This is how the story of Ben Solo would have had to look like, had he survived Star Wars. This is how Thor 2 would have looked like, had we been following Loki and not Thor: Loki being chained by the same soldiers he commanded, being stripped of his armour, being led down the rainbow bridge and into the palace. In that movie, it would have been worse because he had personal history with all these people. In the series he gets TVA's indifferent approach, which should incidentally be easier to swallow.

3) Insist that Loki is not the protagonist of his own series. Apart from this not making an ounce of sense, this reading comes from the idea that only physical deeds are valid storytelling material. Sylvie is stronger than Loki, hence she's the protagonist. Mobius is in the position of power, hence he is more important than Loki. All the while Loki is out there, doing enormous self-work, changing by the hour and showcasing more stable coping techniques. But he's not glamorous while doing it and he's kneeling a lot, so it cannot be that the writers actually like him and wish him to do well in the long run.

4) Insist that the new Loki is OOC and give him a plain, insulting new nickname to differentiate him from the beloved and cool old Loki. The one who liberated eyeballs while clad in impeccable clothes because he was terrified of Thanos. Or the one whose non-existent coping mechanisms almost made him kill his own beloved brother in despair. The one who had plans upon plans and was always so ready for betrayal that he had no friends on his own. The one who would surely glamour awesome clothes onto himself to avoid signalling any weakness. The one who was incredibly high strung and could never allow any weakness. You guys want that Loki back? Ok, that's fair. That guy was deeply damaged, and very interesting to watch. But then, a story that takes these aspects from him (and make no mistake, all of them are maladaptive and trauma induced - all -of - them) isn't hating on Loki, or making him dumb, or exists to hurt you personally. It allows him to overcome his internal hurdles, lower his defences and eventually arrive to a better place.

So here I rest my thesis: actual well written redemption stories, of which Loki is the frigging first (and how groundbreaking is that) aren't really wanted by the fandom. Most fans would rather whitewash or cocoon themselves in the trauma aspect, leaving the actual responsibility and consequences out of it. Which is fine as a comping mechanism, fiction is escapism after all, you're all perfectly valid... But there should at least be enough self-awareness to differentiate between a good story that's uncomfortable/too heavy for you and a bad story with evil writers who either have no idea about Loki or specifically want to punish his fans.

The Loki series isn't the latter. It might not be the fantasy escapism most would have preferred, but it has a very specific and respectable goal and it's going about it in a grounded way which is - actually - fully respecting of Loki as a person. I swear that the series sees him as more capable of doing the work he needs to do than his own fans.

[creatingnikki]

What I've learned in 2021

1. Life is filled with its little miseries. Petites misères de la vie humaine. This is something Vincent van Gogh mentioned several times to his brother in his letters. Whenever he spoke of something unpleasant, he just mentioned it so casually. Oh, well, these are just the little miseries of life. That acceptance of this universal fact is something that struck me. And whenever I was going through something terrible but routine, I just told myself: It is what it is. Less poetic and less French but it had the same impact.

2. Just like space exploration and AI are the investment themes for this decade, ghosting people is the behavioural theme in friendships and relationships now. People will get rid of you as quickly as they do a strand of loose hair on their t-shirt when just a few minutes ago they couldn’t stop adorning their hair when it was still intact. I wish I could articulate this analogy better but what I mean is, everybody treats their hair so preciously until it falls off and is this isolated, embarrassing, useless strand. Not that you are. But people have started treating people like this. When you no longer fit their life or schedule or disposition as perfectly as you used to or as they would have liked, they forget you are this whole human being and just shrug you off. Dispose you. It sucks and it hurts and it’s unfair on so many different levels but with a heavy heart, I have to now admit and accept, that this is just another petites misères de la vie humaine.

3. I keep giving five-star treatment to people who give me two-star treatment and I need to stop rationalising that - both their and my behaviour - into okayness. Yes, there clearly is something so deep rooted in me that makes me do this. Maybe it is a trauma response. Maybe it’s just me accepting the love I think I deserve. Maybe it is me being a people pleaser. I don’t know. And at this point what I really want to do is this: Change it. I can keep figuring out the cause in the background. Clarity like that takes time. But I cannot wait to figure that out to change this behaviour.

4. You are not cool with just vibing with a guy and with keeping things casual. You want something that is undeniably real, wholesome, real, mutual. Something that is long-lasting and healthy and precious and there is nothing wrong about wanting that. Nothing at all. And if that makes you “uncool” then that is fine. Who wants to be cool when they can be happy, satisfied, instead?

5. Therapy is not all that it is hyped up to be. It’s very subjective. When you want to heal from past trauma, I can see why it can be helpful and effective. But when you are going through horrible things in the present, it can do absolutely nothing other than give you some coping mechanisms that may or may not work when shit hits the fan. Also, therapy is not this magical thing that will “fix you” or your therapist won’t always say these wise things that will be revelations. It is a lot of work and voicing things you have never been able to and sitting through uncomfortable feelings and moments. Coming across the right therapist, too, is a task. Just because someone is a psychologist or whatever does not mean they are good. You have to tread carefully.

6. Pretty privilege is a very real thing. You not liking that that’s how the world works doesn’t make it go away. It doesn’t make things any easier for you either. You rejected conventions and societal standards so consistently for so long and while I am proud of you, I also now see that to change what you don’t like or accept, you need to have the power to be seen and noticed and heard. Money, beauty, charm, these are very central to that in this world. It is what is. Get your pretty privilege back.

7. 한국어를 배우는 것은 긴 여정있어요. 하지만 열심히 공부할 거예요. 그리고 나는 인내하고 헌신할 거예요. 왜나면 이게 내가 원하는 거니까 // Learning Korean is a long journey. But I am going to study hard. And I am going to be patient and dedicated. Because this is what I want.

8. Stop being the first one to present your feelings. It does not afford you the first mover advantage but rather leaves no tricks up your sleeve. And god knows people love magic tricks. Even sincere things require calculations. Not because you are being manipulative or vain but because you need to let time allow things to run their course. And add some speed bumps to the runway of your feelings.

9. It’s only this year that I realized that your sun sign gives you a very limited and inaccurate view of your personality when viewed in isolation. It’s like looking at the rainbow but only seeing one colour. So I found out my rising sign and my moon sign and life just started making more sense instantly. My rising sign is aquarius. The one sign I always resonated so much with. My sun sign is Capricorn. Parts of which I related to but the others just seemed so inaccurate? I know a lot of people think astrology is illogical but I think that’s just because they don’t know the first thing about it. And that’s okay. You don’t have to be into it. But I am. Getting into it anyway. And I am not going to let you embarrass me about it.

10. It can do you a world of good if you pay attention to the insanely rich and successful men even if you don’t like them. Reading about how they built what they built, what their investment strategy is, what their take on the future of XYZ is, is more enlightening than you may want to give them credit for. But think of Park Sae Ro-Yi from Itaewon Class. He read, multiple times, the biography of CEO Jangaa, the man who covered up his father’s death. Sae Ro-yi did that while he was put into jail wrongfully. But he was clever. He picked up that book and he learned everything he could from it. And then he applied it with his personal values to get the results he wanted.

11. Don’t overestimate people’s feelings for you. That is dangerous. You may think someone actually cares about you because you picked up on some things they say about you or to you but the truth is words are cheap. And even actions are subjective. Someone may do X for every person and not just for someone they actually like. Don’t inflate other people’s feelings, actions, words towards you in your head.

12. Time most probably is an illusion. This feeling of not grasping how much time has gone by, how it’s already a specific month, how I am already this old - it is not fleeting. I think it’s just going to stay this way moving forward. This lowkey amusement and disbelief and inability to wrap my head around the passage of time and the speed at which it passes by me, through me, and sometimes with me. So carpe fucking diem. But not to do stupid things. To do whatever it is that you really want. There is no point to anything, anyway. You can make yourself go crazy trying to figure out what’s the purpose of life and why we are put on this earth but you already know that just means more time passes by and you’re left in a stew of your stale thoughts. Step out. Take a shower. Go for a walk even if there is microdust. Put on music. Get your favourite coffee. Do artsy stuff. Be art. Be.

13. You love iced coffee. Irrespective of the weather. It's okay. Continue.

[lary-the-lizard]

Okay, no hate to this person because I think I understand what they’re saying. I just want to add/explain my take on this concept. Everything I say in this post is coming from my experience with patriarchy, Western society, trauma and mental illness and does not mean that anyone else’s experience is less true or is invalid.

I thought we were done with Nora after she made everyone but Nicky white and acted like it was fine that Neil called Riko a slur. I don’t know about most of the extra content and don’t really care to either. Since the fandom made Dan and Matt Black and Renee Asian (did we pick a specific ethnicity?) I’ve kind of just been rolling with that and don’t consider anything new Nora says about AFTG to be cannon. Like, we don’t need her anymore, you know? And I say all of this because I want you to know that I’m basing my perspective on the books, not the extra content.

Andrew is one of my all time favorite characters ever and it’s because of the way his mental illness is portrayed. I have never seen a depiction of trauma and mental illness I relate to so well as in AFTG so far. I read Neil and Andrew and felt like finally, someone got it! Andrew’s determination to protect his chosen people and destroy anyone that laid a finger in them, his first response to danger being fight, how he never broke his promises and chose his words so carefully, how he claimed whoever he needed, his fear of connection and of caring deeply about people, him having seemingly outrageous boundaries that he offered no explanation for, how he made light of his trauma while also being so secretive about it, I related to so deeply! And then after he got off the meds and basically just shut off and had so little patience for anything that didn’t align with what he wanted, yep, that was me too! And with Neil when it came to his brutal honesty that broke people, his willingness to let others hurt him if it meant protecting his chosen few, being so extra about others helping him and so shocked when they cared about him - same man! Neil truly believed he was nothing and so he wasn’t shocked when, no he expected others to treat him like nothing. He expected abuse. And I felt less alone!

We want Neil and Andrew to be happy so badly! But it’s hard to accept that with trauma like theirs happiness is an unrealistic expectation. I got out of my abusive situation three years ago and I still self harm. I have had therapy for five years pretty much consistently. Just two years ago someone promised happiness to me and it felt like more of a threat than a gift because for people with this much trauma and this fucked up of a brain, happiness is too much work! Happiness is so fucking foreign that it looks like work! And at a certain point in dealing with mental illness - this is past just suicidal - acting happy is excruciating and you would rather be physically tortured than say “good morning” or “have a good day!” I’m trying to explain that yes, you can recover and maybe achieve contentment but that takes a lot of work and time. And no, not everyone recovers. Because recovery is just as hard if not harder than getting abused. Because recovery doesn’t just mean going through those memories again, it means choosing what feels unnatural until it’s natural, and doing this for the rest of your life. Recovery is rare in many cases like this! Because it’s so fucking hard and most people that have trauma like this aren’t given the second, third, fiftieth chance that Andrew and Neil got or live in places where recovery isn’t an option. “Everyone recovers eventually” is a fucking lie. Even the idea that “everyone learns to cope” is a lie because so many people that live through shit like this kill themselves because recovery is scary, looks impossible, isn’t an option, and their current situation, environmental or mental, is literally unsurvivable for them. “Everyone recovers eventually” is a privileged perspective or one that someone holds onto because the truth that not everyone does is too tragic. But something being sad doesn’t make it untrue. Making that kind of statement is a comfort to you, not to those that experienced trauma like Andrew’s. It is selfish to project these takes onto people that actually went through hell.

Mental illness doesn’t give a fuck about your schedule and trauma never fucking disappears. That shit stays with you forever. It might lose most of its power over you, if you put in the work, but it will never become completely powerless. Especially if it’s childhood trauma; especially if you have a memory like Andrew’s. And love and respecting boundaries isn’t enough. Because when you’re abused like Andrew was you don’t care when people say ‘I love you’ and you don’t feel love when they hug you. People can show up and say all the right things but in order to protect yourself you built walls that only you can tear down and they were built so long ago you’ve forgotten how to tear them down and you’re too tired to try.

I think Andrew and Neil do find contentment with each other and I think they both heal a great deal, I think we saw that beginning at the end of Kings Men. But I also think we are very bad at letting people exist the best way they know how when it doesn’t line up with our version of good and/or happy. I think we are uncomfortable with mental illness being chronic and we want trauma to go away. We are angry that certain scars never disappear and they stay ugly. We are mad that certain boundaries made because of danger never relax even when love and acceptance are freely and consistently given and that danger never arises again. We don’t want to understand that people’s mental illnesses, even when treated correctly, never go away. But this is the reality in many cases and we have to learn that that is enough.

Also why is marriage so fucking important?? Like, marriage isn’t the only way to stay life partners. Not being married doesn’t mean they don’t love each other or that they plan to break up at some point. They can love and stay together forever and not be married. The whole ritual is entirely based on patriarchal hierarchy and is just another way for society to intervene in your personal life. They don’t need a marriage license to be happy with their relationship.

[orchidyoonkook]

Holy wow....I- uhh, wow. 

I’m so flattered you the time out of your day not only to read but write this whole ass gigantic review????? I’m literally in shock.

More Below <3

Right so I appreciate her train of thought on this friendship. In all fairness, I see more disadvantages than advantages all around.

I am concerned about him taking photos, I think now they agreed he should ask for permission if he’s going to use them. That or at least hoping that she’s not facing him and her face isn’t recognisable. Either way I’d prefer permission.

I never realized how many lovely folk would be concerned about this. You have no need to be!! <33

I’ll happily spoil a small part of chapter 4 if it brings relief to everyone. The photos are consensual and she isn’t upset with him for taking or using them as it isn’t for anything public. Just his own private practice and use. There’s more too it but that’ll be revealed in due time.

As for the pictures from this chapter, her face isn’t completely obscured, about a quarter of her face is visible. But with the long exposure, her defining features are mildly blurred as well. 

I have thoughts on the Nel situation. Given this is a fic, and she’s the main paring with JK we can make some assumptions… My suspicion is that everything she’s so confident about will come back to bite. As in, he won’t be following these boundaries she is. Either that, or when they spend a long amount of time together, it crumbles given long distance doesn’t allow you enough time to learn all the little annoying things about someone. 5 years and limited time spent together doesn’t sound ideal.

I’m excited to hear all the theories with this. I have the whole fic already planned out (my outline is 10K help) and I’m trying to keep it be as human as possible, while also being a narrative and enjoyable. 

Humans make mistakes, humans want to succeed, humans betray one another, humans want to be happy. They’re both selfless and selfish creatures and it’s fun to play with that dynamic when writing.

And as cliche as it is, it’s the journey not the destination that matters so all I will say for now is thank you for your thoughts and I’ll throw this in the theory pot! <3333

Given this is a F2L trope, and her long term goals of achieving a career independent of his royal clout, my ideal situation would be a long term friendship, like years, growing feelings bloom into a relationship that only becomes a thing and therefore public once she is already established within her own right.

BUT my other concern is that given she is so driven and she sees her future as extremely bright, that’s really gonna hurt if it doesn’t happen, which given it’s art, it’s not unlikely. So many concerns regarding her future for me.

Ahhhh!! I can’t say much here! But will say that reading this made me go back through my outline and I’m literally so excited to write and for you all to read the rest of this story.

I’m still not too keen on Yuri, particularly because OC doesn’t seem to trust her ability to handle this information. I get that it’s due to her previous reaction, but she is intelligent so that reaction in combination with everything else she knows about her means she doesn’t trust her enough. So yeah, not a fan… not much positive to go off.

I honestly can’t blame you here. Yuri’s an intentionally written difficult character that some people just won’t vibe with and that’s totally valid. I get it!! And it thrills me that you don’t immediately like her because that means what I’m attempting is working! <3333

****but**** once more with the human aspect of this piece, I’m trying to show different forms or coping, and trauma responses, happy reaction, etc that go with different upbringings. Not everyone reacts well to certain information when already upset, and while that’s not okay, it happens. So Yuri’s a grown up yes, but she’s only 21, which is still a kid in many ways, at least to me. And she still has so much more room to grow and learn. ❤❤❤

That being said, the secrecy is likely to come back to bite surely. Boyfriend and best friend alike, surely would assume the opposite? Depends how well they know her given she is so private, so that could say a lot too.

We shall see!!!👀👀👀

So a lot of thoughts. In all fairness, outside of the world of fiction I wouldn’t go near a royal. Not a fan of the monarchy in general and the complications they being with them, but this story has a lot of room to take this dynamic.

All thoughts are always welcomed!! Thank you for yours, they were wonderful to read ❤❤. And same!! That’s why I save it for fiction, so much wiggle room to play with!

Intrigued to see where it goes, thank you for writing!

Thank you for your wonderful review. I flat out showed my partner saying “look at this review that I got!! It’s huge!!” cuz I’m a dork and still cant believe people take the time to do this for my little story <33

To What We Were Before, And All The Things After | JJK | Ch. 3

Title: Greenhouse Muses and Surprise Guests   

Pairing: Prince!College Student!JK x Fine Arts Major!(F)!Reader

Series Rating//Genre: (M) | College AU, Mild Royalty AU, Smut, Angst, Fluff, S2F2L, Indiffernce to lovers, sloooowwww ass burn

Summary: You need to think out this whole situation, and where better than your favourite place on campus? The one place where no one ever goes and where you can truly do your best problem solvi—wait who the hell is sitting in your supposed place of undisturbed tranquility? 

Warnings: PG18, heavy swearing, photography jargon (hopefully nothing tooooo confusing, I intentionally over explained a bit for those unfamiliar but a quick google search should clear up anything), euc=short form for eucalyptus “Youke”, art jargon but less, 1 (one) mention of metaphorical murder, and a bit of angst and fluff. I think that’s all?? Hella internal dialogue 

Word Count: 10,804

Release Date: March 2, 4:00PM

A/N 1: she somehow went from 8k to 10.8k???? Hope you enjoy!!

A/N 1.5: I’m literally so tired of looking at this, I’ve read it at least 10 times in three days. 

Series: Chapter One | Chapter Two

Jungkook’s sitting at a table outside what he considers to be his new safe haven, making a mental note to thank Yuri for showing him the greenhouse cafe—is that its name? He should’ve asked.

He can see himself coming here all the time for quiet morning work sessions. The coffee is great, the snacks are delicious, and there aren’t a lot of people around either—zero—to be precise. So he really considers this a win in his book.

The cafe is just southwest of a medium sized greenhouse, not even a minute’s walking distance between the two. He could clearly see all the flowers and plants within from his seat outside. And behind the greenhouse was nothing but a small grass field followed by thick, dense forest.

It doesn’t even feel like he’s on campus. Just free about the world, grabbing a coffee and sitting down to work on a project like anyone else would. Like anyone else could. Another face in the crowd instead of the one on magazines in every corner store, book shop and grocer.

He can dream about it. Take in these small moments, but it will never be his reality. Not really. Even in this little corner of blissful nowhere the barista who served him his coffee knew who he was, addressed him properly, albeit a bit stuttered.

And he can’t blame her. It’s what she’s supposed to do. How she’s ‘supposed’ to react to him. 

He’s someone big and important. Someone people look to and see their future in his hands. Someone who merits reactions when in the presence of others. 

Someone who…

Someone…

So he dreams. And is thankful for what little normalcy he can get.

Taking a deep breath in, he holds it and he shakes his head, dismissing the thoughts before releasing a steady, controlled exhale.

Reset.

Keep reading

[bookwyrminspiration]

I’m so sorry but hayloft 2 Brant and Jolie

Oh I was just listening to that song! Okay so the way I'm looking at this Jolie is the young lover who was killed, and Brant is the survivor who can't handle the trauma of witnessing it and loses himself.

Well first off there's "One got shot and the other got lost in / Drugs and punks and blood on the street," which mirrors what happened to the two of them. Jolie died in that fire and Brant lost himself, lost himself further than he already had. Turned more and more towards the Neverseen, towards blinded thinking, away from who he had once hoped to be. Who he was died with Jolie. He became senseless, bereaved, hopeless.

There's also "An eye for an eye, a leg for a leg / A shot in the heart doesn't make it unbreak," a line I think we can make a direct comparison with "If she doesn't get to live--no one does!" (Everblaze p. 557). Brant has suffered an incredible loss and his response to this is to try and make it even, to try and hurt people back so they're on the same level. If Jolie is dead, taken from him, he'll kill people and take them from others so that he's not alone in it anymore, so that someone else hurts as much as he does. But it won't work, all he'll do is breed more pain. Killing others won't bring Jolie back, a shot in the heart won't make it unbreak. And yet he's so lost he doesn't know what else to try.

Finally gonna highlight "She's not a bad kid / But they had to do it / She had to crack." He's not inherently a bad person, he's a person who got stuck in a shitty situation as a pyrokinetic in a world where that's the one thing you're not allowed to be. He's not a bad kid. But he sees no alternative. He had to crack. There was nothing else for him to do, no one for him to turn to, to understand him, who could bring Jolie back. And this is on top of being a pyrokinetic in their world. He had to do it. He had to try and burn their world down and kill them because it's all he knew, all he was taught, not because he was a bad kid but because he's a consequence of their societal structure.

So to summarize all that: yes. You are correct. The tragedy and loss of self in Hayloft 2 followed by questionable, mentally unwell decisions to try and cope matches with Brant and Jolie's story excellently! Thank you for the suggestion!

[hollandsmushroom]

Lost In My Brain

Hello everyone, so this concept came from the very very depths of my brain as I went into a deep dissociative episode and I wrote this to pull myself out by imagining semi mob tom comforting me. 

REBLOGS AND COMMENTS MUCHLY APPRECIATED 

Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: You aren’t replying to Tom’s texts so he is really worried, he finds you in a state of trauma and unable to really communicate. 

Warnings: Please read this at your own comfort, I wrote this to help me cope and I thought someone else might want to read it. I have written about extremely personal topics in this and I am not talking about stuff that I don’t know anything about, I suffer from dissociative PTSD. So warnings really include mentions of an unidentified trauma, Dissociation, Dissociative PTSD, Loss of recognition of faces, mentions of Mob Tom, missing person?, Trauma that happened at night, intrusive thoughts, thoughts that you are actually dead. 

Masterlist

Request Here

Word Count: 1577

Tom’s meetings had run late, he had messaged you throughout the discussions to keep you updated and so you wouldn’t worry but it was him who worried as his phone remained void of any response from you. He began to grow antsy as the conversations just dragged on. He gave his input whenever he had to but most of his time was spent trying his hardest to seem as if he was paying attention and then checking his phone to see if you had responded, and every time his phone screen was blank. His worry was beginning to overtake his body, he worked in a dangerous profession and people knew that the best way to get to him was through loved ones, you being the main one. The thought of something bad having happened to you made his heart break, the thought of someone hurting you added to that made his blood boil. It wasn’t like he was overreacting, you were always very attentive to responding to him when he was in meetings, you knew that under his hard mobster outside he worried about you a great deal and if you could do anything to ease that, you would, and that is why he was freaking out to this extent. As soon as the meeting came to a close he left immediately, ignoring the people who tried to catch his attention on his way out, focused only on getting home to you. 

  Tom walked into the house, calling out your name and receiving no response in turn his heart beginning to pound as the silence reverberated in his ears. With an urgency he began making his way through the rooms of your shared house. He started in your bedroom, eyes landing on the perfectly made bed, signalling to him that you never went to bed, he made his way through the guest rooms, your office, the living room, by the time he reached the kitchen he was on the verge of tears. Hands grabbing on to the counter as he faced the empty living room, retrieving his phone from his slacks pocket and quickly dialing up his mate Harrison. 

“Mate?” Tom asked as he heard the phone be answered on the other end of the line. 

“Yeah?” His friends tired voice answered, clearly having been woken up by Tom’s call

“I can’t find Y/n, I don’t know where she is” At this point Tom felt like he was on the verge of breaking down, the idea that something had happened to you and he wasn’t there to protect you made him see red.

“Wait? You can’t find her?” there was a rustle from the other line, Harrison having sat straight up in bed, shock over taking him. 

“Yeah, mate and I am kind of starting to freak-” Tom spun around, leaning his back against the cool marble countertop when his eyes caught on the open sliding glass door leading to your backyard, a dark figure sitting on the cement ground rocking slightly. 

“Mate, I'm gonna have to call you back” he ignored his friend's words of worry as he hung up, placing the glowing screen face down on the counter and making his way outside. As soon as he passed the threshold of the door sniffles reached his ears. The weather wasn’t freezing but it definitely wasn’t warm enough for you to be sitting there in nothing but one of Tom’s shirts, bare thighs on the cool ground. 

“Love?” Tom called as he made his way to your quivering figure, shoulders throwing themselves back and forth as you attempted to rock yourself in comfort. He reached a hand out to your shoulder, but you flinched away from his touch causing his heart to shatter. With the jerk of your movement his eyes caught your face, tears staining your cheeks. 

“Love it's me” Tom assured, once again reaching his hand out to you, and this time you let him, his hand soothing over your shoulder causing it to cease its shaking as you eased into his touch. He did this gradually, progressively enveloping you further into his hold, a protective embrace, your face tucked into his chest as his hand rubbed up and down your back, trying to warm your body as you began to shiver from the night air. 

“Let's get you inside, darling” Tom’s soothing touch helping you off the ground. He grabbed your hand, gently moving you into the house, and led you to the bathroom. His hands grabbed your hips, placing you onto the bathroom counter, you sat there, eyes trained on the wall ahead as Tom dampened a washcloth, moving back to you to wipe the snot and tears off of your cheeks, he stood in your view for the first time, his hands reaching towards you as you examined his face, causing you quickly push him away, hurt flashing across his unknown feature as you distanced yourself from him, scooting back on the counter curling further into your own body. 

“Y/n?” His voice sounded defeated, reaching out again only for you to have the same reaction. His voice, you knew his voice, and his face didn’t seem completely unknown, something about him was familiar. It was so close to the face you loved so much but your eyes were distorting his features.

“I...I don’t know who you are?” He could have sworn he broke when you said that. 

“Baby, it’s me, it’s Tom” he cooed, trying to understand what was happening, fear bruning through his chest and all the way down to his gut, feeling as if his world was slipping from under his feet. 

“No, I-I know it’s you but..but I look at your face I don’t recognize it, it’s off, it’s not quite right and I don’t know who you are, you look like I stared at you for too long and you lost all feature, Tommy, I don’t know who you are and I don’t know who I am” your tears began to flow again as you looked in the mirror, your face was just a little bit off till it wasn’t your face anymore. You closed your eyes and shook your head violently causing Tom to gasp, reaching out and grabbing your shoulders to halt your movements. 

“Stop, baby, please stop, it’s me, it’s Tommy, I’m right here” his voice soothed you, peeling your eyes back open, you saw his face, it was right, it was your Tommy. 

“Tom?” His name but a question on your tongue as he cupped your cheek. 

“Yes it’s me,” the pad of his thumb brushed away tear streaks. “What’s happening, sweets, talk to me please” he pleaded, eyes begging you to let him know what was happening. 

“I’m dead Tommy” you explained but it only made it worse, yes widening comically as fear shot through his body. 

“W-what do you mean you’re dead?” His mind was racing, had someone put a hit on you? Did you need to go into hiding? He felt like he was falling into every possible issue that you could be having but he was cut off by your voice again. 

“I was thinking earlier and what if I died that night? What if I didn’t get out of the way? This is the after life” you mumbled, fully convinced that you had lost your mind. 

“You are not dead” Tom demanded 

“How do you know that” you whispered 

“Because I’m here, dusting with you, I can touch you and trace every mark in your body, I have my own life, I would have that if you were dead, and if you were why would it just be a continuation of your day to day, why are you freaking out if this is heaven” he tried to explain and something must have worked because your body eased, eyes drawing from your hands to his face. 

“This is real?” your voice sounded weak, so lost in your mind as your eyes seemed to glaze over. 

“Yes,  love this is real” he hummed, finally being able to wipe the tears from your face, his touch drawing you back from the farthest depths of your brain that you kept spiraling into “Now let’s get you to bed” Reaching past you he grabbed your toothbrush and toothpaste, preparing it for you to brush your teeth. You took your toothbrush from his hand as he leaned in and kissed your forehead lovingly, a tear slipping from his eye as he took in your defeated state, brushing it away before you could see and brushing his teeth as well. 

Moments later you fell into your bed, Tom’s arms wrapped securely around you as your back curved into his chest, you shook your head as you closed your eyes seeing everything you wished you could forget. 

“Tommy, I feel so lost in my brain, its like its yelling and every new thought just adds to the noise, continuing to bounce around with everyone else” You whispered as you shuttered. 

“I know it's not okay, my love, but I am here and I will be here, I will help you come back” he kissed your temple and held you as you fell asleep. He vowed to himself that he would be there for you, he would never let you go, give you a life that distanced yourself from that pain that haunted you. He would remind you everyday that you are alive. 

[spencers-renaissance]

I turn and reach for you

Summary: Three months after Hankel, Spencer starts getting terrible nightmares that keep him up at night. He tries desperately to keep his secret until one day when it's all too much to bear anymore. Luckily, Derek Morgan is there to hold him together as he falls apart.

Tags: nightmares, hurt/comfort, ptsd, angst with a happy ending, fluff, literal sleeping together, getting together, post-revelations TW: past non-con drug use mentioned once in passing

Pairing: Derek Morgan x Spencer Reid

Word Count: 2.1k

Masterlist // Read on AO3 // Bad Things Happen Bingo

This feels the "Nightmares" square on my Bad Things Happen bingo card, and was written for this prompt by @i-write-whump. Title from a poem by Devon Strang.

After Spencer is kidnapped by Tobias Hankel, he stays with Derek. Nobody on the team wants him to be alone, and he’s always felt the most comfortable with him, so it makes sense. Besides, he’s got the space.

Spencer sometimes wonders whether the team pushed so hard for it because they genuinely believed that, logistically, Derek was the best option, or because they could also see the slow-burning romance simmering under the surface of their relationship. They’ve always had a special friendship, but Spencer can feel the growing tension: the deep and intense looks they share mid-case, the lingering touches on backs and arms, the affection leaking into each ‘pretty boy’ and every ‘Der’.

Perhaps if Hankel never came into the picture they’d already be together — it really had felt like they were on the precipice of something special — but it’s three months later and Spencer’s still sleeping in the spare room; there’s still just as much will they, won’t they lingering in the air between them.

He tries not to mind too much. After all, he’s never had so much free access to the man he’s pined after for years now, and they’re living in each other’s pockets. Almost every waking hour is spent in one another’s company: they cook together, eat together, watch films together, and neither of them are showing any sign of getting sick of it. But every time they’re cooking pasta and Derek says something ridiculous, Spencer wishes he was allowed to lean in and kiss the tip of his nose; every time they sit down to watch something together, he wishes he could burrow into his side and rest his head in the crook of his neck.

(Sometimes, Spencer wishes he could rewind to the weeks immediately after the Hankel incident when Derek would carry him around the flat to keep him off his broken feet; when he could press his face into his shoulder and inhale the scent of complete and utter safety.)

It’s almost torturous, being so close yet so far.

He isn’t quite sure why the nightmares start so late. The nights during the first couple of months are blissfully dreamless, so exhausted from the physical and emotional trauma that sleep was a tantalising escape, but once he’s back in the field, once normal life resumes, everything changes.

The first time he wakes up sweating and panting, heart pounding as he tries to convince himself that he’s no longer in Hankel’s clutches but is safe and sound in Derek’s apartment, he dismisses it as a one-off. He hasn’t had nightmares yet, so why should they start now? He doesn’t go back to sleep that night, too shaken to relax back into the comforting embrace of sleep, too afraid of deception: that he wouldn’t sleep dreamlessly but that the nightmare would be waiting for him once again.

The second time worries him. He gets up this time and gets a glass of water as quietly as possible, leaning with his back against the kitchen counter as he ponders what this could mean for him. The thing is, they’re so incredibly vivid. It really feels like he’s back at the mercy of a three-in-one torturer armed with drugs and belts and guns, genuinely unsure of whether he’ll ever see his family again. He doesn’t go back to sleep this time, either, instead pacing around the living room until Derek wakes up. He lies that he’s only been up for half an hour, and Derek believes him.

The third time solidifies for Spencer the fact that this is a problem. Three is a pattern, everybody knows that, and Spencer spends the rest of the night scouring the internet for studies conducted around delayed trauma responses and discovers the prevalence of delayed-onset PTSD. He’s tempted to contact a professor he met during his third PhD who specialised in the psychology of trauma, but he thinks better of it. Admitting these nightmares would be admitting defeat.

This is something he has to deal with alone.

(He ignores the truth that it’s more fear than anything else that keeps him from telling anyone: fear of being seen as weak, fear of nothing changing, fear of voicing his trauma out loud. It’s easier to pretend it’s about independent agency.)

It doesn’t affect him too much at first. Sure, he’s scared to go to sleep and he sweats so profusely that it soaks through his bedsheets almost every night, but he’s managing. He’s okay. He contributes just as much to their profiles and takes down unsubs without flinching. He dances around Derek like they have done for over a year, and he sits through Dr Who marathons with Penelope just fine. So what if he’s a bit tired? He’s stared down some of America’s Most Wanted and interviewed famous serial killers, he can cope with a little fatigue.

It doesn’t stay that easy for long.

Soon everybody’s asking about the bags under his eyes, his slower reaction times when they visit the gun range, his twitchiness around the team.

“Are you sleeping okay, Spencer?” Penelope asks him one day, brushing a curly lock of hair behind his ears as they sit side by side on the sofa next to a conked out Derek.

He can’t nod his head quick enough. “Yeah! Yes, uh. Yes, Penelope, I’m sleeping fine, I promise,” he says as convincingly as he can, flashing her a smile. He hates lying to her, but he can’t let anyone find out, he just can’t.

Slowly, he begins losing his grip on reality. He’s almost delusional from the sleep deprivation, and he starts seeing Hankel everywhere he goes. He’s stood behind the fridge door, in the foyer of the FBI Headquarters, in the toilets of a local police station, stood right behind the unsub they’re currently trying to talk down, goddamnit.

He’s beyond exhausted, but some nights he still refuses to sleep, too afraid of what awaits him in his dreams, too afraid of the fear he knows he’ll carry into the next day, too afraid of feeling weak again. Helpless. Completely and utterly without agency.

He sits up with his back against the headboard, the main light off but the lamp switched on, scrolling through as many scholarly articles as he can read in a night, drinking cup after cup of steaming black coffee. Most nights he makes it through till morning without sleeping a wink, but sometimes he can’t stop himself from drifting off The nightmares on those nights are the worst.

He isn’t okay and people are starting to notice. Everyone’s walking on eggshells around him right now, but he knows it won’t be long before Penelope organises an intervention that Hotch hosts and Derek directs. The worst part about it is that he feels like a trainwreck waiting to happen. He’s headed straight for complete and utter collapse, and the only possible way to stop the train in its tracks is to reach out and get help, the one thing he can’t get himself to do.

And he isn’t even really sure why.

It all comes to a head on a warm night in July. He’d fallen into bed that night deliberately, actually intending to sleep for once. The bone-deep tiredness had finally caught up to him and he didn’t even care that he was walking straight into the arms of Tobias Hankel, if it meant he got even an iota of refreshing sleep, then it would be worth it.

But he isn’t quite of the same mind when he wakes up at two in the morning like he does almost every night: soaked in sweat with his heart going a million beats per minute, with only one difference. Tonight, he’s crying.

Maybe it’s the emotional turmoil of the last few months catching up to him, or maybe it’s just the severity of this particular dream, but whatever it is, he can’t seem to stop even once he’s awake. Sobs wrack his shoulders as he cries miserably into the pillow, finally letting out the emotions he’s kept bottled up so tightly, and he’s almost wailing after a couple of minutes of anguish.

All he can think as he cries helplessly is how badly he wants Derek. He wants to be wrapped up in his strong and safe embrace, he wants to feel the movement of his soft goatee against his cheek, he wants to inhale the comforting scent of his sleep t-shirts, he wants the warmth and solace that only Derek Morgan can give him, and in that moment, emotionally distraught and so incredibly sleep-deprived, he decides to get it.

He stumbles out of his bedroom and down the hall, stopping once he reaches Derek’s door. He hesitates for only a second before he pushes it open slowly, allowing the light from the lamp they keep switched on in the hallway to gently illuminate the shadows of his bedroom.

“Spencer?” Derek asks groggily, immediately sitting up and wiping his eyes. “What’s wrong? Are you crying?”

At the acknowledgement of his tears, Spencer starts to cry harder, and as embarrassed as he feels, he can’t slow the steady stream of tears rolling down his face as he stands in the doorway like a child in their parents’ room.

“Spence,” Derek says again, gentle and sympathetic, “come here.” He lifts the duvet up and scooches over slightly as if to make room for him in his already spacious king-size bed.

He doesn’t need to be told twice, though, and he stumbles forward, collapsing into bed and wrapping himself around Derek instantly. His arms come up to circle Spencer’s waist, caressing him gently as he holds him close to his body, shushing him quietly.

“It’s okay, Spence,” he murmurs. “I’m here now, alright? We’re gonna fix whatever it is, I promise you. We’ll get through this. You’ll get through this.”

He lets himself cry and cry and cry until his tears are dried up and he’s hiccupping from the force of his sobs. He would feel terrible about the damp spot left on Derek’s t-shirt, but he simply doesn’t have the energy. Instead, he continues to lie there on Derek’s chest, listening to his softly spoken assurances and losing himself in the sensation of Derek’s fingertips caressing the skin of his waist.

After a couple of minutes of silence, interrupted only by the odd hiccup from Spencer’s tired lungs, Derek finally asks the question. “What was that all about, pretty boy?” he asks with a tenderness Spencer isn’t sure he’s ever heard before. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Been having nightmares,” Spencer whispers, keeping his eyes closed against Derek’s imploring gaze.

He feels Derek tense beneath him, his fingers briefly pausing before resuming their comforting patterns on his waist, and a heavy breath escapes his lips. “For how long?”

“Last couple of months,” he mumbles, and somehow another tear manages to escape Spencer’s screwed up eyes.

“Well,” Derek sighs, “I suppose that explains a lot. We’ve been so worried about you, Spencer. We had no idea what was going on but we could all see you withdrawing, and it wasn’t exactly a secret how exhausted you were.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry,” Derek says sadly. “I should’ve pushed harder to figure out what was going on with you. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this all alone.”

“I didn’t know how to tell anyone,” Spencer says, suddenly desperate to explain as he shifts slightly to look Derek in the eye. “I was so scared and I didn’t want anyone to think that I was weak or I couldn’t do my job anymore, and I just didn’t know what to do.”

“I know, Spence,” Derek says soothingly, “but you’ve told me now, haven’t you? And I’m going to do everything I can to get you some help. We’ll fix this, baby. I promise you, I’m going to make sure you’re happy and healthy again if it’s the last thing I do, okay?”

Spencer sniffs a little, wiping tiredly at his eyes as he blinks up at the sincerity on Derek’s face. For the first time in far too long he manages a smile. “Okay.”

Derek runs a hand through his hair before dropping a kiss to the top of his head. “Do you want to sleep here tonight?”

Spencer’s smile widens and he buries his face in Derek’s chest again as his cheeks flush red. “Please.”

Months later, they’ll realise they never officially asked one another to be in an actual, exclusive relationship. Months later, they’ll know instinctively and with absolute certainty that this night was the night that changed everything for them, and exactly one year later, they’ll celebrate their first anniversary on that date.

Tonight, though, they sleep curled up next to one another in Derek’s bed, and although Spencer doesn’t fall into the same dreamless sleep he grew used to immediately after Hankel, for once he isn’t haunted by nightmares, but dreams inflected with hope for what the future holds for them, and he’ll take that over dreamlessness any day.

taglist: @criminalmindsvibez @lesbiantodds @suburban--gothic @strippersenseii @takeyourleap-of-faith @negativefouriq @makaylajadewrites @iamrenstark @livrere-blue @hotchseyebrows @enbyspencer @reidology @transhanniballecter @spencerspecifics @bau-gremlin @hotchedyke @tobias-hankel @ @marsjareau @garcias-bitch @oliverbrnch @im-autistic @anxious-enby @kuolonsyoja @reidreids @ropoto @thosecriminalminds (add yourself to my taglist)

[toointojoelmiller]

^Me trying to put my thoughts on this into words

Okay prepare for massive amounts of copium:

A lot of people struggle with the difference between Part 1 Ellie and Part 2 Ellie.. I don’t. I wish she was happier lol don’t get me wrong (if I had my way it would be J+E + moon ranch forever), but to me the contrast between Part 1 and Part 2 Ellie is unfortunately a pretty natural progression…

Part 1, despite the devastating ending, is a HOPEFUL story – it’s really about Joel finding his reason for living again, and loving Ellie. Ellie is the light – literally the hope – that leads him out of the darkness. She’s also fourteen, and we see her through Joel’s sort of lens and we are always being reminded of her youth. She’s got this “mission” (making a cure, making her immunity mean something other than she survived when her bet friend/girlfriend died) that is guiding her and keeping her steady despite all of the attachment trauma and grief she is struggling with that should really bog her down more than it does (and of course, it eventually does, once her mission comes crashing down). I think this is well represented in Part 1 and in the HBO series, even though the versions of Ellie are slightly different.

Part 2 is about what comes next, because love is never enough. It’s about how life is painful and messy, and how sometimes that is BECAUSE of what love does to us... and how you can’t love ever without it ending in grief… and in particular, just how destructive the pain of loss can be when your ONE PERSON is gone. Ellie’s different because she’s grown – her dream of a cure is dead – the world is just a lot darker, at 19 vs 14. Joel loving Ellie with all of his heart wasn’t enough to keep her from getting hurt by the world (just like in real life, no matter how much parents love their kids bad shit WILL happen to them, and life WILL punch them in the face like it does for all of us). Joel loving Ellie so unconditionally and giving her love was more than she knew how to handle, really, (orphan things), and she can’t understand his “betrayal” for what it is – an act of love. When he’s gone she is LOST, and ends up modelling exactly what she learned from him… fall apart. Take out your enemies. Make people suffer for what happened to the person you love.

So, to ME – the progression of Ellie’s relationship with violence feels pretty natural.

Here’s why I don’t personally take issue with the violent heart bit they added to the HBO show -

I feel like (pretend) Craig and Neil suck at explaining themselves LOL.

Ellie in Part 1, due to the world she has grown up in and her experiences, is at risk of engaging with violence as a coping/trauma sort of response thing. Gives her control in a fucked up world. Lets her protect her people. Just like Joel. They live in a world that basically requires violence from you – otherwise you and people you love will die. And Ellie knows that – she saw it first hand, killing Riley. And all of the violence and death that came after.

I know Craig made that comment saying “David’s right”. The way I take it is not, “David is right, she is a violent person” or “she loves to hurt people”… I take it as David recognized how Ellie has a fighters/survivors heart – and that means she is CAPABLE of great violence. Which not everyone is!! (Hence how Joel and Ellie are our bamf anti heroes). To David, violence is always a justified thing if it leads to you getting your goal, and he looks at people as either worthy of living in this world (fighters/leaders) or not (sheep). So he sees Ellie as “a violent person” with a “violent heart”. He’s a monster, and he isn’t capable of understanding the relationship Ellie (and Joel) have with violence, where it is born out of LOVE and suffering and loss. There’s a difference there that David totally misses. But his comment about her proclivity to “violence”, not too far off the mark imo.

Super curious to hear if any of y’all agree or disagree w me.

YES I AM COPING HARD WITH THIS. LIFE SINCE PART 2 IS NOTHING BUT A COPE.

massive TLOU 2 spoilers

I hate this “violent heart” shit. Apparently, Ellie seeing Joel brutally tortured and murdered while she is held down and forced to watch is not enough to explain her murderous rampage in TLOU 2. They have to tell us she’s also doing it because because she’s irrevocably, uniquely fucked up and violent. And who is the person to deliver this message? The pedophile that tried to rape and murder her. So will David be vindicated in season 2? It seems like he already kinda was. Yes, Ellie brutally killing him was supposed to show she’s fucked up and violent. Chop a pedophile up a bit more than necessary because you are traumatized, terrified, disassociating, and desperate for it all to stop? Sorry hun that’s really fucked up I guess you really do have a violent heart. I’m glad we had the illuminating words of a serial groomer rapist cannibal pedophile cult leader to tell us our protagonist is a bitch. In a story where we’re supposed to have empathy for the characters, one of them gets labeled as “violent” as if they’re demented. The creators said this “violent heart” stuff was meant to set up Ellie’s arc in s2/the 2nd game so wtf??? I hate to be pessimistic but it really seems like the writers are steering the show towards an “Ellie proved David right” moment.

[embermc]

"People improve when they get external love and support. How can we hold it against them when they don't?"

This is a quote from The Good Place (awesome show, by the way, check it out). It's a show largely about redemption, morality, and the nature of humanity. Very importantly, it's a show about how people aren't inherently evil at heart, and although they can hurt other people and that isn't okay, they can also be negatively affected by their circumstances, and a large part of what makes redemption and changing for the better work is "external love and support" from others.

I've alluded to this quote before in previous posts, but I think it really perfectly applies to c!Wilbur right now, in his current state.

c!Wilbur, as we've seen, has been stuck in a dark, cold Limbo for thirteen years. He has had barely any stimuli, nothing but a deck of cards for entertainment, a lot of lingering mental illnesses, and most importantly for the context of this post, barely anyone to be with. He mentioned c!Schlatt sleeping for a while, and we now have the knowledge that Schlatt was off being a realtor. Mexican Dream is there, but there's a good chance that it wasn't for long, since he was a relatively new death that was only added years in, and he wasn't around in Tommy and Wilbur's conversation. And then there's c!Tommy. c!Tommy was with Wilbur in Limbo for a brief period of time, a few months, before leaving again which, is good for c!Tommy and I'm glad he didn't have to spend more time there, but it meant c!Wilbur had to spend even more years in crippling loneliness and near total isolation.

When he died, c!Wilbur was already not in a good mental state. He was incredibly depressed, traumatized, paranoid, suicidal, and in general, very mentally ill. This lead to him lashing out and hurting others, and in general, being a very morally grey character that made a lot of mistakes. As confirmed by c!Tommy, this shaky mental state and these behaviors have not gotten better during c!Wilbur's time in Limbo. And, of course they didn't. Isolation and crippling loneliness have never been the solution to healing someone's mental state, and this is something that has been proven time and time again by the SMP. In fact, a recurring theme on the SMP is that companionship and the company of others, and having others to be around and be a positive influence on you, is the best way to heal and fix yourself. In turn, the themes of the SMP have also shown that isolation, whether it be self-imposed or forceful, are absolutely devastating for one's mental state and condition, often leading to them making a lot of errors that they wouldn't have otherwise made.

c!Wilbur is no different. (Explanation under cut).

Upon returning to life, c!Wilbur is in a state of clear desperation. He undoubtedly doesn't want a repeat of his bad mental state and his situation in Limbo, where he was isolated, and he's searching for a purpose, for things to do, a role to play (since he has always assigned his self-worth to a role). Above all, he clearly doesn't want to lose c!Tommy. This has been made apparent and true numerous times, as we see him be desperate for c!Tommy to stay with him and to protect c!Tommy, even when Tommy himself wasn't watching or listening in. c!Wilbur doesn't want to be alone. He also is desperately searching for a role, a position of power, a nation, a rivalry, a headquarters, anything he can hold onto in order to have a sense of self-worth or a purpose.

And yeah, in the process, c!Wilbur may not be the most morally pure. He was definitely trying to guilt-trip and use underhanded methods of persuasion with Tommy to get him to stay with him and choose him over c!Quackity. He was lashing out, yelling at others in heated, stressful moments. He was occasionally lying. A lot of his coping mechanisms for his trauma were unhealthy, both for himself and for others. But here's the thing...how could he possibly have any other coping mechanisms? After being in a state of isolation and loneliness for literal years, it makes complete and total sense for him to not be a perfect human being. It makes sense for him to not have the best coping mechanisms, to, in the process, hurt those around him (despite wanting to be a better person, and I honestly believe this). While c!Wilbur's mental issues are not the responsibility of anyone else, c!Wilbur has not even had the benefit to have somebody that's a positive influence around him to keep him company, to make him slowly realize that he doesn't need to keep using the same unhealthy coping mechanisms. He has been without any real love or support for so long.

c!Wilbur is terrified of losing c!Tommy, because he doesn't want to be alone again, and doesn't know what to do if he was alone. He doesn't know who he is, alone, without a role to fit himself into or somebody to protect who looks up to him. He doesn't want a repeat of Limbo, where he wallowed in self-hatred and mental agony by himself for years. So he's desperate to keep c!Tommy with him, so desperate that he's willing to use morally dubious tactics like guilt-tripping in order to ensure he doesn't end up by himself. It's not morally correct for him to do, and it's negative for c!Tommy's mental health, but it's not a super malicious action coming from some irredeemable evil person. c!Wilbur's genuinely scared, and having a traumatic response to fearing a potential situation where he could end up alone again, a response that ends up hurting others despite him most likely not meaning to.

And because he's been alone for so long, without any real support, any real companionship, any real love, he's latching onto coping mechanisms and behaviors that won't necessarily be good or healthy for anyone. He's doing bad things as a result of a bad mindset, and he hasn't had the opportunity to heal from this bad mindset because he can't do it alone. It's very hard to heal alone, and to fix an unhealthy mindset alone, which is again, a theme that's been shown to us time and time again. And again, c!Wilbur's mindset is nobody's responsibility, least of all c!Tommy, who is a kid with his own trauma and issues, but c!Wilbur has been alone so long that he hasn't even been able to benefit solely from at least having somebody with him to positively influence him.

This doesn't excuse harm or stress he caused to c!Tommy, and c!Tommy would be perfectly in the right to distance himself from c!Wilbur if he so chooses, but it does explain a lot of c!Wilbur's actions and show that he's not some irredeemable monster. He makes mistakes, yes, but he's been trapped in an unhealthy mindset, with unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms, for so long, without ever getting much external love or support to help him out of that dark place. It makes sense that he isn't going to change overnight, and it would be a long process where he would most likely make more mistakes out of fear, or trauma, or any other factor. But one can't act like he's evil, or irredeemable, because he's not. c!Wilbur is a scared, traumatized guy who desperately doesn't want to lose everything he believes he has left, and from that desperation, comes actions and behaviors that end up hurting those around him, as well as himself.

It's important to hold c!Wilbur accountable for his actions, yes, but, there's a good chance he can change when he gets external love and support, so we can't act like he's acting out of pure malice or evil when he hasn't, for so long.

[guardianspirits13]

I wanna talk about Natsuo Todoroki for a second here.

tw// mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide

Natsuo visibly has the most emotional trauma out of anyone else in his family (Touya not included), and I really wanna talk about why that is.

For starters, we haven't seen him really smile since he was introduced in chapter 187. He's introduced as having a friendly, easygoing persona and it's easy to imagine this is how most people outside of his family know him. However, every time we see him appear since then, another layer of his trauma is revealed and expanded upon, and it cuts DEEP.

I think the main reason that Natsuo still seems so vulnerable compared to the rest of his family is different than what you'd assume. Fuyumi and Shouto both spend a lot of time around Endeavor, and have been in close proximity to his (relatively recent) decision to atone. They have seen his growth firsthand and come to terms with it. Rei has obviously taken a very different path to healing- not entirely voluntarily- but she has been working with doctors and therapists for years to change and recover and reconnect with herself and her children. Natsuo is off at college, and takes every opportunity he can to avoid Endeavor. He (understandably) wants nothing to do with him, and shows stagnant resistance to his attempts to atone.

The reason why Natsuo can't move on from the past is because his trauma didn't come from Endeavor. It came from Touya.

Now initially we were led to believe that it was simply Touya's untimely death that still bothers Natsuo, and it makes sense seeing how Endeavor drove him to the edge. Losing his best friend and brother as a young kid without parents to support him or any therapist to speak of can absolutely been the source of persistent emotional damage, but the more and more we learn about Touya's situation, the more evident it becomes that Natsuo's trauma is much much deeper than even grief.

Touya, as we know, was driven by an ambition instilled in him by his father and experienced extreme rejection sensitivity when those ambitions were no longer realistic. Touya's relationship with his parents could be described as insecure attachment, a psychological term primarily regarding how kids react and respond to their parents and other close relationships. As he was raised, Touya learned to equate his potential to be a hero with his personal worth and similarly confounded attention with love. The difference being, of course, that love is unconditional, but even attention was being continually directed away from him as a punishment for continuing to train and burn himself so he could once again become worthy in his fathers' eyes.

This is where Natsuo comes in. At first it was assumed that all of the Todoroki children were born out of Endeavor's strong-willed desire to have a child that could surpass All Might, but we learned that this isn't exactly the case. I'd argue that it was narratively poetic on Horikoshi's part once this was expanded upon. Fuyumi was born to support and encourage her brother, and that is the exact role she plays 23 years later, keeping her family together.

Natsuo's case is even more intersting.

It was bad enough if Natsuo was only born for the potential of his quirk, but it's even more sinister that the sole intent behind his birth was to discourage Touya from his ambitions. I'd say it was to replace him, but it was more to promote the idea that Touya was expendable than to raise aonther kid with the same ideals but the potential to actually achieve it, although that was definitely a secondary motivation.

The parallelism in this is how much Natsuo's life revolves around Touya. He was born because of Touya, he looked up to and took care of Touya as a kid, and the absence of Touya in the present continues to drive him and his decisions in life (but more on that later).

I continue to pray that we will eventually get more solid backstory on Natsuo and Touya's relationship as kids and where it cut off, wether on a bad note or not, but there are a few things we know for certain. One, Touya was mentally ill. Yes, he was rejected by his parents but he seems to have been particularly vulnerable to this compared to any of his siblings since he was the first of them and thus relied only on his parents for validation in his early years. He shows early signs of a variety of different mental disorders, particularly BPD, which I have previously written a whole analysis for on its own. Touya is shown self-harming both by the very nature of his quirk and even by very directly ripping his hair out. He was incredibly self-destructive.

This is why it is so much more concerning to me that Natsuo, who was AT LEAST four years younger than him, was his primary source of comfort. Natsuo was too young to have known anything more than 'my big brother is sad that daddy won't train him anymore' and he obviously wasn't equipped in any way to handle Touya's severe mental illness. Touya most definitely needed professional treaatment as his forms of coping were abnormal even for the neglect and rejection that he experienced. Natsuo comforted Touya through breakdown after breakdown, and more than that Touya relied on him and came to him voluntarily for support. Natsuo was the best option he had, and he took full advantage of that. The main source of Natsuo's trauma was Touya's reliance on him.

Not to say at all that this was in any way Touya's fault- he was mentally ill and desperately in need of some form of comfort to keep him sane; it was almost a survival method at this point since neither of his parents really acknowleged him at all anymore. Touya's instability hurt Natsuo more than parental neglect ever did, but it was the neglect that enabled it and striped Touya of the supportive atmosphere he would have needed at this point not only to prevent but to heal from the mental damage he had already suffered.

Natsuo dealt with this for years and you can see how much it hurt him to see Touya in so much pain, not only from Endeavor's rejection but from his own self harm as well. For Natuso to know that his brotherly love would never be the same as having loving parents; would neve be enough- but at least it was something so he continued to love and care about his brother for little in return- is indicative of the kind of character he is.

(Edit: After the events of chapter 302 we know that Natsuo's relationship with Touya wasn't perfect. I will elaborate more on this in a different post, but I just wanted to clarify that although we were shown a very high-tension scene between them, it is implied that this was a regular occurrence that Natsuo was usually more receptive too but tired out of, in addition to Touya's spiraling mental health. It fit with the natrative to show the tension Touya was feeling with his family from all directions, but Natsu and Touya clearly had a stronger relationship up to and before this point, evidenced by their sharing a room and playing together regularly.)

He is incredibly selfless, and it's interesting to note how many of his positive qualities as an adult stem from negative experiences as a kid. He never really felt love from his parents, so he relied on Touya (and likely also Fuyumi) for that as well. If he grew up learning he had to give love in order to recieve it back, it absolutely influenced who he became in the future, a solid example of this being the responsibility he feels to reach out and have a relationship with Shouto and further regrets that he wasn't able to help his abuse in the past either. Another aspect of his character that intruigues me is how gentle he is. Personality-wise he seems about as opposite as he could be from the awkward, stoic, emotionally-stunted person that is Endeavor.

There are a couple of reasons for this, beyond what I've already discussed.

One, he had little to no contact with elements of toxic masculinity growing up, especially not from Endeavor.

Two, most of the influence he did have growing up was from Fuyumi, who is established to have endlessly cared for him since he was a literal baby.

Three, he grew up in a household where almost everyone around him was in much more literal, immediate pain than he was so he developed a very strong sense of empathy that might also have been tied to early survivor's guilt.

Now I have one important distinction to make, and that's the temptation to label him as a 'softboy' or something of the like after seeing him caring for his family and more pointedly, watching him break down in tears during chapter 252. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with men being soft or vulnerable (on the contrary it's actually so so important and relevant that Hori is writing characters like this in a mainstream shounen manga but that's an essay for another time), it is unfair to label him as such based on a moment when his trauma is being exposed.

Because his truama stems from such a young age, there is a blurry line between just being born with more emotional intelligence and the situation he was in fostering those traits. You know, the classic nature/nurture thing. My point being, it's important to tread carefully when discussing the nature of his personality to avoid invalidating his trauma; I have no doubt that he is very strong for having survived these things, and the moments we see of him onscreen are definitely among his most vulnerable.

Another thing that people less familiar with Natsuo's character might assume is that he is hot-headed and argumentative. I thought that at first too- after all, he doesn't seem to shy away from yelling at Endeavor when given the opportunity. However, this doesn't seem to be the case at all.

The first real scene we see him in with Endeavor, the man walks into the room and Natsuo decides he can't handle it and goes to leave. However, Endeavor happens to be blocking the doorway. Endeavor physically stops him and provokes him to his face, asking him to say whatever is on him mind. While Natsuo is notably not confrontational, Endeavor is. I think it's fair to say that he felt at least uneasy at this gesture. Natsuo is very honest with his feelings, and it's obvious that he's pissed at the audacity of Endeavor to be so oblivious to his own son. This is presumably one of the first real interactions they've ever really had, and at this point Natsuo has been dealing with trauma (caused by Endeavor!) on his own for years, and Endeavor seems completely oblivious to his pain and dismmisive to the rest of the family's as well.

Again during the internship arc Natsuo tries to get along with Endeavor and this time he actually gives it a fleeting chance. Tensions are high, however, and the conversation very quickly becomes uncomfortable, at which point he leaves. It is continually implied that Natsuo is uncomfortable being around Endeavor because his very presence brings up painful thoughts and memories of a time when sharing the same space as him was a warning to run and hide. This is later directly confirmed by Natsuo as he says that every time he looks at Endeavor's face he remembers Touya and the pain he was in.

I feel like an important side note is that we have never seen Natsuo outside the context of his family, which is understandable, as the role he plays in the story directly relates to them. However, if you take a look at Shouto, even though his experiences have shaped him to become who he is, he definitely acts differently when Endeavor's not in the vicinity.

Back to Touya's death, it would be very rare that someone would mourn a death for an entire decade without finding closure unless there are other factors preventing it, and uncomfortably this seems to be the same thing for both Natsuo and Endeavor: guilt.

This is getting incredibly long already, but it's important to note that Natsuo probably felt an incredible responsibility to take care of Touya and protect him because of his empathetic nature. His love was never going to be the same as having loving parents. His encouragement was never going to be the same as having support from Endeavor. Even further than then neglect and abandonement, it was not being able to save Touya that really made Natsuo feel worthless.

He seems to try and remedy this inability to save Touya and diminish his guilt by doing everything he can to be better. He reaches out to Shouto to be a better brother, he consistently pushes his limits to entertain Fuyumi's notion of a happy family, and he's working hard towards a degree rhat will allow him to help people like Touya (and Rei) because he failed to do so in the past.

His bio mildly implies that he didn't have much of a direction he was heading in after high school, but Fuyumi's encouragement led him to seek out his current college career. This goes back to Natsuo's 'purpose' in a sense revolving arount Touya, from his birth to his relationship with him to his death, after which he lost his direction. They were always rather inseperable, so naturally their seperation hit Natsuo hard. He lost his direction in life so when Fuyumi encouraged him to rediscover it, he thought of helping people, because that's ultimately what he was born to do.

Thank you so, so much for reading this if you made it to the end! I clearly have a lot of thoughts on this. Let me know what you think about it as well, and hopefully we'll get more info on this soon in the manga :)