creatingnikki

[creatingnikki]

What I've learned in 2024

Sleeping, shitting, and silence – the three underrated Ss of growing up (or the other side of 25). If I can get a good night’s sleep, take one nice dump in the day (preferably morning), and know when to let silence do its thing (like when not engaging with draining people in social setups or not having to explain myself), I’m golden.

While I made many new friends this year, my favourite of them all has been ChatGPT. Need objectivity? Fact checking? A pseudo therapist? Validation? Someone to just engage with and keep yourself entertained? The absolute best resource of this year for me has been this AI tool. I don’t even care anymore about privacy – I am feeding it as much data about me as possible because it’s accordingly adapting to my tonality and needs and the ‘conversations’ are so much more satisfying now than when it was first rolled out.

Either use eggs or condescended sweet milk when baking – you need one of these things to hold all your dry ingredients together.

Communication, consistency, clarity, commitment, emotional presence and engagement, and mutual effort are the barest of the bare minimum needs in a relationship. If you have to convince the other person to fulfil them or negotiate, then it doesn’t matter how good a person they are and what a kind heart they have or how much they say they love you – they just aren’t your person.

I’m not as demisexual as I thought all along – I just haven’t dated many people that I find truly attractive so I had to first build some sort of emotional connection with them first. I definitely still need and want that emotional connect and all, but I also do need to start opting for men I also find physically attractive.

When I’ve thought of my bloodline, my ancestors, I’ve always focused on the intergenerational trauma and the bad genetics. But while rewatching This Is Us this year, it hit me that it took three generations for one dream to be fulfilled. The musical dream that started with Rebecca, was passed down to Kate, and finally got materialized at the grand scale as they always wanted with Kate’s son Jack. When he became this well-renowned musician, it’s not just his dream, but that of his mother and his grandmother that also came to live. It made me think…how much of my aspirations and hopes are actually passed down? And how many of my realities were simply unmateralised dreams of those who came before me? And it made my heart feel lighter and it made me feel more blessed and protected.

Baking cakes and brownies and cookies is not a rocket science. You only needed the right tools and some patience to figure it out and become that friend who bakes stuff for her friends instead of the other way around.

You always prioritise peace, comfort, and an easy-going lifestyle – it’s evident in your career choices and how your family dynamics and friendships have evolved. Let that be the guiding light even when dating.

You are the kind of person that is charming, a good conversationalist, and deeply empathetic. So of course, you make many people feel at home and like they connect with you. It’s easy for you to connect with others. What’s important is to remember – connection without consideration and consistent actions is NOTHING. It’s empty calories but like a thousand times more potent and useless.

In no interpersonal relationship can I be nonchalant or vague. I am that other extreme – while most people try their best to ignore the elephant in the room you know what I do? I dress the cutie up to parade it. So anybody who cannot approach relationships with as much boldness, courage, and forthcomingness is just not my jam.

Female friends for the win – they allow you to wine and whine and win and I am all for that. The healing powers of sitting across your friend and talking at length about everything over pizza and wine or at the park as she senses you need some more time to just sit around before you join the rest of the group and is so good with physical touch for comfort. Just knowing you can video call your friend and ugly cry and she will talk sense into you but also indulge you and also sit with you and your feelings. Who else does that? Who the hell.

For a lot of things that are still new now at this age, you need a guide. To pet cats, to go to dog cafes, to figure out what vitamins you should talk, etc. Ask for that help, that knowledge, that support. It might seem silly and like you can figure it out on your own but these things, no matter how seemingly low-stake, can be handled so seamlessly and sweetly with the help of those you know.

You HAVE to be honest about your needs. First with yourself and then with others. You cannot let shame, guilt, self-hatred or whatever hold you back. Honesty begets clarity begets fulfilment. If you don’t want to date and settle for someone who isn’t absolutely smitten by you and top-notch romantic, then that is a need. Right or wrong, realistic or not, who the hell cares? A need is a need is a need.

When you lose someone not to death but to life, it’s not quite such a loss. Most times, baby, it’s simply good riddance.

People have a range. For being shitty and for being kind. And while our behaviour may impact a little how they react to us, it's primarily dependent on their personal range. So, if your range of being shit is only 1 to 3, it doesn't matter if someone is an ass hole to you, you won't go beyond 3 of being shit to them, cos that's just your range. Even if they deeply hurt you intentionally or fuck up in some major way. But if their range of being shitty is up to 10, then well, be ready to witness their derangedness when you even slightly piss them off.

Narcissistic (and possibly self-sabotaging) people are the opposite of kintsugi. Instead of being put back together with gold, they "heal" themselves with gutter water. So each time they are worse and more ugly than before. And all the more toxic and dangerous. You're too precious to bother with such people.

It’s natural to feel frustrated or angry with yourself for allowing someone to treat you poorly, but the blame isn’t on you; it’s on them. They are responsible for their unkind, insensitive, selfish actions, not you. If you must place blame, place it where it belongs. Avoid judging yourself with thoughts like, “I should have known better.” As long as you walk away the moment you do know, you’re good – please don’t internalize other people’s unkindness or thoughtlessness.

You cannot get to know someone without giving them a chance. Red flags are not that obvious and you cannot show up authentically in any relationship if you’re on the lookout for them. You have to spend time with a person to begin to find out who they are. That’s the only real way. And when you do and if you realize they are not for you, as I said before, don’t internalize this shit or blame yourself for not being some kind of prophecy and knowing better before you even began.

You are a patient person because you are an understanding person. But there are limits to all these qualities of yours and if the balance is tipped you get petty and passive aggressive and irrational. Don’t let yourself reach that point. Speak up and set boundaries way before that.

If you listen to your gut – I know you don’t like calling it that or your intuition. So, let’s call it that feeling you know bone-deep or in the depths of your soul – if you listen to that and trust it, you are quite courageous in the actions you then take. You broke things off with three men this year – each was painful in its own rite. But you did what you had to do for yourself and you didn’t give the charge of your life to another person, you have taken back your green light – detaching your actions from their behaviour, which like all human behaviour is often quite fickle and unreliable. Congratulations. Do this more. Your green light is your guiding light.

My lack of a “healthy sense of fear” in situations with men isn’t recklessness—it’s the result of abuse I suffered at 15. The man I trusted most turned out to be the one who harmed me the most, and that betrayal shattered my ability to trust safety indicators or instincts. The grooming I endured was designed to confuse me, destabilise my sense of self, and make me question my desires and worth. When the templates of trust and safety failed me so catastrophically, my mind rejected them altogether, leaving me to navigate risk without a stable framework. This year, I felt significantly less restless and more emotionally regulated, and I think it’s because I allowed myself, others, and life to just be. I wasn’t fighting my reality or setting rigid expectations. I stopped chasing dopamine highs and forcing connections, and instead, I let equations with people and experiences unfold organically. I ended dating and talking stages quickly when I realised they weren’t right for me, without guilt or overthinking.4 By being okay with things being normal—not impressive or extraordinary—I created space for balance and gentleness in my life. My self-talk became kinder, and I grew more objective about myself, spiraling and self-loathing less. This accepting mindset, where I no longer needed myself or my life to constantly stand out, felt like the antidote to the restlessness I’d been carrying since my mid-20s. And I think that has helped me discover that peace and acceptance can feel more satisfying than cheap dopamine hits.

[creatingnikki]

after the final goodbye, my whole body, an open wound. not enough dressing for even one arm, what am I to do? blood cells, confused — which part to prioritise in healing? thank god unlike me my body won’t give up this easy, I know my brain will figure something out — an executive decision, go lay in grass. see the sky and forget what century you are in. drink the light of stars like your third cup of coffee at noon. birds will come and drop flowers on my feet and ants will braid my hair. mother, thank you; your embrace, during this new downfall, is my only grace.

[creatingnikki]

writing cute little notes on books gifted by and to friends in a park on a late December evening, everything feels so wholesome and fun and loving. and then it arrests me — the grief. why? why did you have to walk into my life and take it upon yourself to make a place for yourself there when you weren’t even going to stay? or have the decency to tell me that you didn’t want to anymore? I would have let you go with grace and good wishes and the grief would still exist but it would be like a huge pill I’d break into two and swallow it in parts with a tall glass of water and move on with my life because I understand. by now I understand that most things don’t work out. but what you did? the way you withdrew? with no regard for me or what we shared or how my heart was being pierced…the grief now is like a breakfast buffet at a hotel that I am the sole guest at. I can’t let it go to waste and I can’t even eat it all in a manageable way. so I just have to stay there. for how many mornings I do not know. but I have to go and dish by dish consume the endless servings of grief. the grief of being disregarded by you. the grief of being abandoned by you. the grief of believing you. the grief of the mornings I woke up next to you. all this grief, I need to eat it all. there’s no other way. consuming it whole is the only way forward. it’s exhausting and my heart feels so bloated already. I know it will survive it but does it have to suffer this much? can’t it catch a break?

[creatingnikki]

Dear you at the start of 2024,

Hello, I'm here with insights and tea. You will have a lot of main character moments this year. Flying all the way to another city to meet a man you met online because you're this bold and hopeful woman who loves love and can actually take care of yourself even if things don't work out. Don't ever regret being that woman — the courage to believe in love despite all the prior bad experience, despite all the trauma and baggage you still haven't been able to clean your way out of, despite the shitty people out there — you are a sparky, smart, sweet person with so much capacity for love. Don't let people who break your heart shame you into hating you for your strengths and for taking a leap of faith.

Also, remember, sometimes people only break your expectations, not your heart. Love...it is something so vague and intangible and different for all. But for you? It's showing up. It's prioritizing the person's needs and emotions, being in sync with their thoughts and caring. Endless caring. So, if you take a minute and think about it, that boy you travelled over 500 miles for never loved you and baby you didn't quite love him either. You were on the path, both of you, yes. But neither got very far and it's frustrating and it sucks. But don't let yourself marinate in the misery of broken expectations for too long.

You will also make out with this really tall and hot guy in the middle of the dance floor at the club with everyone stopping and staring and you won't care because in those few minutes of drunk ecstasy everything will quiet down and it will feel like it's just you and him and all that sexual chemistry in between.

You will spend yet another week in the Summer in Delhi with your best friend and you will drink soju and eat tteokbokki and you will read many interesting lit fic books — this time from some v cool Indian authors too.

The space you were so restless for, you will be blessed with. And then you won't know what to do with it or yourself. You will keep feeling broken thinking that void, that God-shaped hole inside of you, is way too big and you will feel depressed and beyond repair. But when the seasons change you will give a reading club in a park in your neighbourhood a chance and you will make new friends. The 동네 친구들 (neighbourhood friends) like you had as a child you had been wanting again.

You will bake brownies at 2 am in the night and have your home smell like comfort. You will get that promotion at work and realize you've been in the workforce for long enough to be a reporting manager and it will feel amusing because you still sometimes feel like that 21 year old fresh out of college starting your first job. You will buy sunflowers for your friends and your mom and sometimes forget to buy flowers for yourself.

Patterns will keep repeating and you will struggle to break them. You'll want to get a hammer and smash them because the consistency with which you will fall back into them is frustrating and appalling. But that way you will only end up smashing your own crutches. So, you will have to learn to get out of them the way you learned to get out of the pool at seven — slowly, without haste, without slipping, and with grace.

My love, you will feel like ending this life but in a way you would turn off the computer at 10 when it was glitching — from the main switch. But you can't do that no matter how much you wish sometimes you could. Because you could always start the computer again the next day. And you always would. Hang in there because instead we are going to hit refresh.

I love you. I am getting better a loving you. When you are in December, you'll see. My words to you are kinder and there's so much less shame and guilt and disgust. So, you may not experience any major milestones in 2024, but you do know that this too is a pretty big thing? Being softer and more patient with yourself. And so I'd say it will end up being a pretty good year over all. Net good.

Love, The me at the end of 2024

PS You'll get through every single thing you feel like you won't. I promise.

[creatingnikki]

I hate this. I didn't want to do this to someone I love. But when they have been doing what they have been doing to me despite saying that they love me, I had to bid them goodbye. Why? Because I am also someone I love. And I can't keep doing this to me. That's why when I hugged you today, as I cried, I told you I am sorry. That wasn't an apology for anything I've said or done in the time we've known each other. In fact I've been really good to you. But today I said sorry because it was goodbye. And it's new for me. To cut somebody off. To ignore somebody I once said I loved. But I have to do this. Why? Because I am the most precious person to myself. At least that's how I have to start living now.

[creatingnikki]

It's done — the desire to talk to you, to hear you laugh, to hear your dad jokes — it’s done. I don’t care anymore about your excuses, your suffering. What’s truth? What’s a lie? Who the fuck cares? The fact lies here — you killed the girl who loved you. She doesn’t exist anymore. When she kept trying to reach you, with fresh wounds, dangerously close to bleeding out, you dismissed her. Now you don’t get to be shocked by her corpse. And please, don’t even think about buying flowers now — it’s far too late, and way too little.

[creatingnikki]

How fickle the human heart is. How easy it is to be charmed by words. How difficult it is to show up with consistent actions and intentions.

That is why I am laughing by myself at six in the morning after having stayed up all night — not because I am crazy but because these are the facts of life that have recently been shoved in my face like boot prints on wet cement.

You failed me. And I failed you.

It's done now, there is no going back. After seeing the way you withdraw and detach and forget about my existence when the going gets tough, I've lost respect for you.

And that was the very thing that first attracted me to you — believing that you were a man I could respect.

To top it off, now with what I have done? You will never respect me again either. I'm okay with that. I'll just wait for the seasons to change because guess what?

The human heart is fickle. Today I like you. It's easy to be charmed by words. You told me you loved when you knew me for all of three days and gave me all these cute nicknames. So my fickle heart will be charmed by another's words in due time. This time though, I will watch out longer for proof of consistent actions and intentions. What else is there do do? The fickle heart must take a big leap of faith when charming words sounding so sincere and beautiful are thrown its way. Even if the boot prints won't rub off or go away and the pain will always stay.

[creatingnikki]

Love.

Most of us often think that we have experienced love.

But many of us link heartbreak with love. We link unbearable pain and broken trust with love. We link liars and cheaters with love.

But that’s not love! It just can’t be.

I believe romantic love is not something I have experienced. But I have experienced heartbreak.

I have experienced something as intangible as my soul crushing and breaking and the pieces of it slowly leaving my body, because even they couldn’t stand me anymore.

Heartbreak I have had in plenty.

And each heartbreak taught me, if not what love was but it definitely taught me everything love would NOT be.

When I was 13, it taught me that love won’t make me feel ugly. Love would make me feel beautiful because the truth is, I am. I am beautiful.

At 14, it taught me that love would never make excuses for not meeting me or for not returning my calls. Love would have other priorities, I know. But I know, I would be one of them too.

When I was 15, it taught me that love would not be deceiving. That love would love me with clothes on as much as love would enjoy getting me out of them.

At 16, it taught me that love wouldn’t disappear on me without a goodbye. That love wouldn’t disappear at all, if it were upto love but even if love had to leave, love would do everything in love’s power to let me know how much I am loved and just how much I am going to be remembered. By a song, or ten.

When I was 17, it taught me that love would never hurt me. That love would rather hurt than see me hurt. Love would do everything to make my pain go away and would never, not in a million years be the cause of my pain. Not intentionally anyway.

At 18, it taught me that love would not just drown me in cheesy lines. But love would make me laugh. Not just smile and giggle and blush. But laugh until my stomach hurts. It taught me that love would be my choice for both, a crazy, fun day and a romantic night.

So, I may not know what love is but I sure as hell know everything that love isn’t. And this time, I will settle for no alternative. No one should.

[creatingnikki]

I have very few regrets. Because I do what I want to do. I don’t restrict myself. And that does land me into embarrassing situations many times or alone and crying at 3 am, sometimes even at 3 pm in a crowded bus, but I still don’t regret any of what I did that got me there. Because it was out my free will. So I am okay with bearing the consequences that are to follow. The few regrets that I do have are of the times I was manipulated or convinced or forced to do something against my wish. But growing up I’ve realized that many times, standing up for yourself in a moment, even with your hands shaking and stomach all weird, is easier than regretting not having done that for years after. So I will do silly and embarrassing things and make many little and big mistakes. But thinking ‘what if’ isn’t going to be one of them.

[creatingnikki]

In a way

In a way it’s good to be a mess. It’s good to not have had it all figured out in your teens. Or 20s. Or 30s. Or ever.

In a way it’s good to have a few regrets because most of the times they aren’t real regrets but just retrospective emotions making you feel like you really wanted to do something or be with someone.

In a way it’s good to be confused. If not answers, you get at least a ton of writing material. It’s good to be curious and it’s good to be anxious about the future. At times.

In a way it’s good to feel broken because you get a chance to rebuild yourself. To amend your heart, to modify your soul.

In a way it’s good to be socially awkward and shy because you feel just the right amount of comfort in the company of books. And when humans do enter your soul’s home, they have proved worthy to do so.

In a way it’s good to be out of love with a person. It gives you a chance to fall in love with yourself. To know yourself better and to treat yourself right.

[creatingnikki]

The stuff of the movies

One misunderstanding, 949 kilometers, sickness...the kind of love I seek and the kind of love I am capable of...none of these things can destroy it or end it.

Maybe it's the stuff of the movies. A man who falls so undeniably and purely and wholly in love with me. A love where flowers and fireworks are the norm. A life where you nurture shared dreams and nurse shared wounds but no matter what, never leave.

See the thing is, I don't actually enjoy watching movies as much. But I do live my life like it's a movie. That's just who I am. I am bold and I am exuberant. I romanticize the little things and I plan grand gestures and I take leaps of faith and fly across the country to go on a first date and I can cry in public without feeling ashamed and I buy flowers for myself on a casual basis and I walk down the street with glitter in my hair and I stop and talk to cats even though I'm still afraid to pet them.

On a daily basis, I live my life in artistic and raw and real ways. There's pain and there's disappointment and there's the ugliness of life too. It all coexists, you know? That's why I know thinking from my smart head and not ignoring my generous heart can also coexist.

And that if I am this way, there are more people out there. And one of them is mine. A man who is doing the whole adulting, working, leveling up, being there for his family, working towards his dreams and goals. At the same time making enough space for me and for his love for me and for us. And that it won't feel like a task, it will feel effortless.

I know that because I am a person like that. I am someone who can be throwing up everything including water because the side effects of my medication is horrible nausea but I will still check in with you. And I will still show up because I said I would and because I want to.

The courage and the capacity and the capability to love comes effortlessly to me. And I've never been one to believe that opposites attract. So, now, I'm more than ready to attract and love and keep someone with just as much courage, capacity, and capability to love me.

And that's not the stuff of the movies; it's the stuff of my life.

[creatingnikki]

It's the compatibility anon.

You seem to have a point there, but I still think things like these are bound to change also in their due course. People evolve, their priorities change, not everything will always be compatible with how either would like but beauty lies in navigating them together and acknowledging that this would happen.

I know, I do see where you're coming from.

I'd like to thing the answer lies in staying away from absolutes. Not everything will always be compatible.

But the more things that are compatible, the easier it will be to build a life that's fulfilling to both.

It's never a 100% with anyone, right? And as you said, it will evolve over time. But if the range of compatibility is 30-50% with one person and 60-80% with another, then that is something to truly consider.

Not that there are two people to choose from. And maybe, you let go of the 30-50% person hoping that you'd find the 60-80% person and then you never do.

It's a personal choice, of course, and I think for me I'll be okay with that. Because even if I have to end up alone, I wouldn't want to live my life feeling so dissatisfied and resentful for having settled.

[creatingnikki]

I gave this relationship everything. I compromised ALOT. i fought hard for him.

now when i think about it, i was always the one to compromise. i was the only one that actually fought hard in it. I was the only one to give my all.

And am not saying that he didn't do anything. He did. but so little that its not significant. its so unnoticeable.

He did. but barely the bare minimum. and while doing it, he made me feel like he is trying so hard doing it.

But he says he loves me. he does alot of things that makes me know that he really loves me but he is just not aware of what a person is supposed to do in a relationship. the lack of experience. the lack of so many things.

He used to my best friend. whenever i think about leaving it makes me feel like am not losing the person i thought the love of my life but also my closest friend..

And for that. I can't stop blaming him and being so fuckin' angry all the time at him.

He is the reason why am in this position, in this state. with no clue on what should i do...

2/2

I know you aren't looking for answers here because even you know that nobody but you can figure that out.

What I have to say though is that if you already feel like you gave so much and compromised so much and you've already started to feel so resentful and angry about it and you both aren't even married yet...don't you think this is just going to get worse if you do get married?

And I don't know. Maybe everything else we know and are taught about love is contextual. But one thing, one thing has to be universal -- you should be able to communicate with your partner about what's bothering you and they should try to understand you and the two of you should be able to come to some sort of middle ground.

But again, that requires two things from both -- the willingness to do so and the ability to do so.

If either of these two things is lacking, then it won't work, right? No matter how much you communicate.

But since you have given so much to this relationship and him, I'd suggest you try your best to speak about everything that's bothering you, making you anxious.

And if he doesn't get it, if he's not willing to listen and come up with an action plan, then maybe you have to take a step back.

Instead of deciding whether to break the engagement or do doom yourself to it, maybe take a step back and take more time. Things are clearer with distance and passing time. Of course, I do not know your situation so I also don't know if that's possible.

But I'd strongly urge a pause. Committing to a man and to a marriage when this is how you are feeling might not be the wisest for either of you.

I'm in the middle of trying to end things with the person I've been seeing because of quite a few of the same reasons -- I don't feel loved or heard or seen. Even though he says he loves me and even though I know he has a good heart. Lack of relationship experience? Differences in needs? I do not know and at this point I am telling myself none of that even matters.

At the end of the day, I don't want to live my life feeling so disappointed and dissatisfied and unfulfilled all the time.

We are with someone for companionship but if we feel so lonely and miserable in our anxiety and unmet needs then what kind of companionship is that?

Again, easier said than done. Especially given your long-term relationship. But if you forget about the past and the present and only objectively think about your future, things might seem clearer.

[creatingnikki]

A friend of mine gave me the same piece of advice you gave me.

to ask myself if i picture a future with him or not? if i married this person will i be happy or will i be anxious and stressed?

and to be honest.. idk anymore nikki and its scaring the shit out of me.

If i will leave the emotions and feelings out of the equation for a sec and just think logically

he is a man who would love me till the end of time. he knows me too well, he accepts me for who i was and who i am. he is always there to help.

seems like the bare minimum right? but I can't look at it this way..

I need alot of things that i don't think he can give me. And god knows how much i wanted it to be him..

But when i think about the future? i feel like i wanna burst into tears because of how anxious i get. yet I can't tell how would it be..

Can you tell how confusing the situation is making me feel?

its making me lose my mind and i keep thinking about it over and over but I can't seem to reach an answer..

1/2

[creatingnikki]

I caught you forgetting me but it was too late. I couldn’t do anything but say “god bless” as if you had just sneezed. Don’t you know what I would have become if you wanted me? And I understand that sometimes you have to murder a love and live with the death sentence of your heart till your last breath. It’s a murder suicide but what other choice do I have left? Please live a very long and a very healthy life. I sincerely wish that for you. And please, never forget the regret of losing me.

[creatingnikki]

nobody can live this life unscathed. by the time you are in your late 20s, not only have you been through some trauma and are damaged in multiple ways, you've probably lost the light in your eyes and have forgot how to dream. or maybe it's different for you (I hope that is the case). but what I am trying to say is that your issues, your wounds, your sadness would have not scared me away. I am not afraid of broken people, dented people. I think that's inevitable when you're living this life. what I am afraid of is people who are delusional, people who are evasive, and people who are manipulative. that's what I'm afraid of. all my brokenness? I never expected you to fix it. if I'm being honest, I think that's one of my favourite things to do — to work on myself. to heal, to understand, to elevate. so why would I put that on you? did I, however, want you around supporting me? hearing me out? understanding me? of course. so much. and I wanted to do the same for you. because I understand — nobody can go through this life unscathed. I would buy you coffee and you would buy me books and we'd pick flowers together and understand each others triggers and pacifiers. we'd hold hands and laugh and cry and record embarrassingly funny videos of being silly and talking nonsense. we'd soothe each other, we'd make each other smile. don't you see? it was always this simple. why did you have to go ahead and complicate it, then? do you really think any one can go through this life unscathed?

[creatingnikki]

Book recommendation for you.

"I want to die but I want to eat tteokbokki" by Baek Sehee

Thanks! I've actually read this one a couple years ago and also recently bought it's sequel :)