creatingnikki

[creatingnikki]

nobody can live this life unscathed. by the time you are in your late 20s, not only have you been through some trauma and are damaged in multiple ways, you've probably lost the light in your eyes and have forgot how to dream. or maybe it's different for you (I hope that is the case). but what I am trying to say is that your issues, your wounds, your sadness would have not scared me away. I am not afraid of broken people, dented people. I think that's inevitable when you're living this life. what I am afraid of is people who are delusional, people who are evasive, and people who are manipulative. that's what I'm afraid of. all my brokenness? I never expected you to fix it. if I'm being honest, I think that's one of my favourite things to do — to work on myself. to heal, to understand, to elevate. so why would I put that on you? did I, however, want you around supporting me? hearing me out? understanding me? of course. so much. and I wanted to do the same for you. because I understand — nobody can go through this life unscathed. I would buy you coffee and you would buy me books and we'd pick flowers together and understand each others triggers and pacifiers. we'd hold hands and laugh and cry and record embarrassingly funny videos of being silly and talking nonsense. we'd soothe each other, we'd make each other smile. don't you see? it was always this simple. why did you have to go ahead and complicate it, then? do you really think any one can go through this life unscathed?

[creatingnikki]

Book recommendation for you.

"I want to die but I want to eat tteokbokki" by Baek Sehee

Thanks! I've actually read this one a couple years ago and also recently bought it's sequel :)

[creatingnikki]

Compatibility is not really a given, Nikki. Two people can become compatible and striving together but with compromises. To say that if you're not compatible with each other, you should just leave is naive in my view, because who is to say that if you're compatible now, you will also be compatible in the future. And from this viewpoint, you'd just be shuffling around people because there's no longer that compatibility anymore.

Hello.

I do hear you.

Though, when I speak about compatibility, anon, I speak about some inherent things which are hard to change over time usually unless some massive life-changing things happen. For instance, a person's value system, how ambitious they are, the kind of life they have always envisioned for themselves.

Like if person A values their family a lot and is hardworking and loves to travel but they end up dating someone who doesn't see why family bonds matter and is super lazy and hates travelling --- what kind of life will these two people build together? One person will keep compromising until they grow super bitter and become miserable.

I don't mean things like interests or clothing style or what TV shows people like -- those are very prone to change and that's fine.

But if I know I want a certain kind of life, I think it's only wise + mature to be cognizant of that when looking for a partner. I think it's childish to not weigh these things when dating. Not even childish actually, just irresponsible.

Also, emotional needs! I'm someone with a high EQ and a deep need for sincere and consistent emotional connection. A partner who doesn't have the same needs and or capability would drive me absolutely insane!

So, with this self awareness comes a responsibility to consider such things.

Of course, once you're in love with someone and committed, you try your best to compromise and make it work as you should. As long as that's a reciprocal thing.

[creatingnikki]

I have been in a 3 years relationship, we' re engaged also.

He is a good and genuine person. He loves me, i know that.

but alot has happened through all those years.. Its like am responsible for teaching him what is right and what is wrong. what actions should be taken in certain scenarios. what to say and when to say it.

He has never been in a serious relationship before me and because of that, he is lacking so many things..

I fought too hard for him.. but lately am stuck in this dilemma, I am not sure anymore if i love him or not. I am not sure if this just attachment or actual love anymore.

To be fare, he is trying and he is going to therapy and doing the effort. but its just too late cause i have been convincing him to do it for a long time just for him to realize its importance when we were breaking up awhile ago.

I get so scared when i think about the future with him. I don't know how to be sure anymore.

When i think about leaving, my chest aches so hard. and when i think about staying i feel huge amount of anxiety and stress.

idk why am i telling you this but maybe because i think you might have a great piece of advice for me?

Wow, that does seem like an incredibly difficult situation to be in. It also hits a little too hard right now because I am in a sort of similar emotional situation.

It’s very different in that it’s not a long-term relationship, but it’s been a few months. But everything that you described feels very relevant to my situation as well.

I have to give you a disclaimer that I have never been in a long-term relationship. It has just been a series of situationships and dating misadventures, so take whatever I say with a pinch of salt.

I have gotten a lot of pieces of advice these last few weeks because I have been deciding whether to stay or break up with the guy. One piece of advice really stand out and it’s really simple question:

When you think of yourself in the future, married to the guy, do you feel happy or do you imagine yourself miserable?

And if the answer is miserable, then forget about everything else. Forget about the past. Forget about the good things. Forget about who is trying and who is not trying and who did what and who said what. If the answer is misery, then you already know what you have to do.

When I first got this advice from the person who gave it to me, it sounded very simplistic, but I swear to God. When I imagine a future with this man, as much as it aches my heart to say it, I imagine myself being constantly anxious and stressed and lonely and dissatisfied most of the time.

And that’s not a future I want for myself or for anybody that I know, and honestly, if I would tell this to him, he wouldn’t want this for me either.

Again, I would like to emphasise that only you know what you share with this person and the things that you have been through, so take whatever I or anybody else is with buckets full of salt.

However, it’s important to think about the kind of future that you want because again at the end end of the day, you are the one who has to live with this person and build a life with them. And if it does not look like the life that you would want, and if you already feeling anxious and stressed, I don’t know…maybe that’s answer enough?

Also, another thing to remember is that it’s not about whether he is a good person or not. It’s about whether the two of you are compatible. Whether this person understands you whether you are confident that the two of you can build a beautiful life together.

Good luck x

[creatingnikki]

You know when I knew for sure this was right? That we were right? The night you fell asleep in my arms, your head on my chest, my one hand around holding your face, caressing it. The certainty, the surety, the love, the instinct to care and protect and be there for you was clearer than the clearest day history has seen.

But there’s a modification. In retrospect, there’s a modification. That instinct? It was there for us. Not for you above me. Not for you disregarding me. Not for you at my expense. It was for us.

I love you. But I do not put you above me. I put us above me.

That was also the night you felt I was it, right? You told me that later. That night was a night of mutual realisation of what we share and what we can build.

We.

But baby how you’ve been acting lately has done a spell on we and it’s invisible now. It’s as if we don’t exist. And I can’t seem to find any magician who can pull the trick to bring us back.

Because what I need is you. I need you to bring us back.

I will put us above me. I will a thousand times over. But I will not put you above me. And I will not wait around trying to save you and me when I see you put yourself above us consistently.

That’s not the kind of love I can be certain about. That’s not the kind of love I can fight for. That’s not the kind of love I’ve saved myself for every time I wanted to destroy myself.

[creatingnikki]

A death comes to me in letting you go and all I can do is tell myself there’s nothing to do now but grieve.

[creatingnikki]

Seasonal

This time, I didn’t eat as many oranges as I spoke about loving them with you. It’s November already, and though I didn’t get my fill of oranges this season, I find myself waiting for strawberries already.

The first time we spoke, we spoke of our favourite fruit, about the pandemic, mental health, brunch places in Mumbai, writing workshops, and the gold prices after the Budget.

A white night, filled with so much—such connection, calm, and laughter that felt like it would lead to forever.

That night we ranked my favourite fruit from one to seven; you had only one favourite—mangoes. And yet, somehow, we won’t make it to the summer to eat them together.

In the time we shared, we did eat plenty of fruit—apples and muskmelon, papaya and watermelon, pineapple and sweet lime. But not once did we have an orange together. And now we won’t get to have mangoes either. It’s strange, isn’t it? All the little pieces of life we tasted but never quite got the chance to savour the ones we most desired fully.

Despite the bookstore date and the strawberry shower gel, the literature lessons, and the books given as gifts. Despite the morning cuddles and the verification of heights in the full-length mirror. Despite it all, there was no taste of our favourite seasonal fruits—no mangoes in your summer, no oranges in my autumn.

No serving of our favourite seasonal fruit in our seasonal love’s destiny.

And so, our love, like the fruit that never quite ripened in time, remains out of reach—just a seasonal sweetness, here briefly and then gone.

[creatingnikki]

things I am grateful for: November '23

people who put up lights on their homes during Diwali no matter how basic in colour and shape/design. just looking out my window and looking at all those twinkling lights or when I walk down the street in the evening, it makes my heart smile.

the band cigarettes after sex. I know they have been around forever, but I only started listening to their music a few weeks ago and their "ethereal" and "dream like" music as Wikipedia describes is exactly aligned with what my soul wants to feel like when I am sitting to write after dinner in yellow lights or when I am lying down under the sky feeling the breeze on me or when I am riding back home after a socially charged evening at a house party.

the "archive" chat feature on WhatsApp because I cannot look at their face or re-hear their voice notes every time I have to open that app. so, yes, out of sight out of mind helps.

the idea that it's okay to accept things you earlier rejected as a child. you wanted to believe that the world was a better place and that humans were more tender. and it's not like you don't think that they are not now. you just know better, you are getting to know better and that is that humans are not consistent and when you need kindness the most, tragically, you may not find it. so, the quote you read as an eight year-old child (laugh and the whole world laughs with you. cry and you cry alone) turned out to be more true than the one you wanted to believe in (Promise me not to hide yourself when you’re in pain. It’s unfair that we laughed together but you cried alone.)

uncles who are cool. not creepy, not close-minded, not with big egos and wanting to always give you a "lecture" and show that they know better. but the ones who drink with you on dinners and celebrations without judging and the ones who give you your space and the ones who share stories from their youth without being preachy, only nostalgic and the ones who buy you good food.

silver. it's a precious metal alright but it's nowhere nearly as expensive as gold. so you can buy yourself a pearl + silver ring as a Diwali present. it may be a humble start but baby, it's your first precious jewelry that you bought for yourself and you know how cool that is? this is only the beginning.

rich people who bought mad big villas on the outskirts of the city right in the middle of nature and now put it up on Airbnb so that for two days once every quarter you can get out of the city and remember that you are an earth child and when you exist as one, you can sit in silence, lie under the sky, let the breeze trace your body and not have to verbalize any part of your existence — you can simply be.

[creatingnikki]

this Diwali you are not around to teach me the right way to do things or send me chocolates and ice cream or to make me laugh. this Diwali I am not dressing up to go out for fancy dinners with my friends. this Diwali I am not getting drunk and sending risqué late night voice notes. this Diwali I am not writing cute little stories with hope. this Diwali I am not attending wholesome art evenings at friends' home. this Diwali I am not overspending and buying everyone I love gifts. this Diwali I am not posting aesthetic pictures. this Diwali I am working. this Diwali I am being patient. this Diwali I am making better choices (trying). this Diwali I am lighting diyas and cigarettes and my fears on fucking fire.

[creatingnikki]

it’s after lunch at work and I want to cry. I’m zoning out of conversations and unable to focus at work and my mind is way down south in a city I had already cancelled off. and then suddenly it’s evening and my mom brings home Diwali gifts and decks up the house so nice. and then suddenly I’m excited about all the things I will cook in our new air fryer and I eat my dinner happily. and despite the day that felt so blah and meh and sad suddenly I am excited about all my friends and their future weddings I’ll be a part of because I got out of my head and called up a dear friend I hadn’t spoken to in a while and got some good news. and suddenly I don’t want to cry. and suddenly I also want to share the good news from my life. and then suddenly I want to write a lot again. and then suddenly, for a minute there, I’m excited to live this life.

[creatingnikki]

I feel sleepy and I feel sad but it’s a Monday and I’m at work and I have writers to manage and train and I have to act like an adult who has her shit together. I started the morning with a pack of cigarettes and finished reading a short story by Jhumpa Lahiri—I did not call you. See, you cannot hold any space for me right now. I want you to, I want you to hold me. But you’re not able to. And I don’t feel like asking anymore. I feel like retreating. Hiding away. Why? Because otherwise I will burst into tears like a child who wants your time and attention and love and care. But, no. I’m an adult. I know better. I’ll take a step back, I’ll have patience, I’ll let you be. But more than any of that, I’ll let myself be. I just want to let myself be. I don’t want to ask or explain or nag or complain or surrender or worship or fall or fight or prove or impress or protect or plead. I just want to let myself be. I’ll get through the week and finish the book of short stories and the cigarettes and if at the end of it I still have these feelings of sadness then I’ll see what to do.

[creatingnikki]

Things that have been bringing me comfort recently

Watching reality shows with my mother

Observing cats/kittens play in the garden

Using a moisturiser

Feeling supported by my female friendships in a way no other relationship can

Having my poop cycle be normal

Getting an air fryer

Moments I am close to having an emotional outburst after being triggered but am able to hold back and be more stable

Not keeping score in relationships, realising that it only adds to anxiety and drama and is not needed

Looking at pictures from my last trip

Nights I go to bed before/around midnight

Finishing the food in my plate, knowing I took the right portions so I neither have to waste food nor overstuff myself

What a boring list, what a grown up list — what a needed list, what a beautiful list.

[creatingnikki]

Not a question but I am also drunk, and I’m sorry for ranting but I remembered this girl that used to be my bestfriend back in high school. In a way she was my safe space, the person that I can tell my problems to, where I will feel accepted. And then I found out she was jealous of me the whole time, tried to sleep with my ex and bad mouth me to everyone. I loved her so much, maybe even to this day. I cant get why she did me so dirty while the whole time I looked up to her, cause she always seems strong and put together. I loved her so, and she threw it all away just because she’s insecure and it traumatized me never i have a girl best friend again

Never apologise for drunk rants :)

I had a friend like this too so I understand the pain and also the pointlessness of such insecurities. However, I did manage to find some solid, healthy, sincere female friendships again in my 20s and I do sincerely hope the same for you x

[creatingnikki]

plan for tonight

pumpkin soup with more freshly crushed black pepper than anyone but I can stomach. wishing your woes away woosh woosh woosh every 11:11 of every day (and night). a mature take on things and grounded responses only come out when your perspective shifts from the micro term to the medium/long term. things that have to last long in a healthy and beautiful way do not need this sense of urgency and bombarding in the now. start a new kdrama, think of what you’ll wear to work tomorrow, text your sister back, listen to that song he sent you earlier in the afternoon. take the trash out, put on your moisturiser, get into bed, and go to sleep without torturing your mind, heart, or eyes.

[creatingnikki]

a missing piece, a missing presence. I think that’s untrue. somebody being on your mind all the time…when you shower and use your strawberry wash when you see frogs in a swimming pool at night when you eat dosa and idli and drink filter coffee when you think about the word ‘cute’. when someone is on your mind every second of your existence, then how can they be missing? when you buy and peel oranges when you wake up in the morning and twist in bed when you wear a set of silver hoops and come back home and remove them when you spray jasmine perfume. how can they be missing? their presence, their love, their affection, their adoration, their cuteness, their silliness, it’s all with you at all times. then how on earth can they be missing? they are the most present thing in the whole damn world.

[creatingnikki]

The things I want to tell you and the things I want to tell myself — they all die in my heart and the corpse of those words spill out in the form of kisses that trail your face and smile. How does a writer love when words cannot be the primary expression of love? Earlier I would have said it’s impossible, I would have said that there is no other way but now I’m learning. I’m learning with you.

[creatingnikki]

why do I need constant reassurance? multiple forehead kisses and a good morning text. being checked in on and constantly being in the loop with your whereabouts. a good night text even after we had a 2-hour call before bed. why? I don't remember being this way before. sure, I've always known to be more of a anxious attachment style person and I know I have abandonment issues. but I never felt this in need of reassurance. this constant presence and expression of your existence and feelings. and in the books and in the movies and even in the poetry, they say things like the right person would give it to you. the hundred forehead kisses and the thousandth reassurance. that the person who really loves you and cares about you would do it all. but the truth is, it's both a yes and no. the willingness will be there most times but what about the ability? a lot of times that may not be there. why? because they too are living a whole life with work and family and their own emotions and needs. so they can be there for you a lot of the times but all the time? no. that's unfair and unreasonable. and you aren't that, are you? unfair or unreasonable? so, please learn to calm your mind. don't let your emotions fluctuate so quickly. if three hours ago you felt so very loved by them, not hearing back from them for a few hours shouldn't make you feel abandoned or unloved. take a deep breath and drink your coffee and go look at the sky and finish your work and text your friend and dance to that old song and finish that cake and remember that you are loved — by him, by others, by the universe. I'm not forcing you to loveeeee yourself. I'm just reminding you that you are in fact very loved.