#XIV being nuanced

[genericpuff]

welp, i finished the Dawntrial MSQ last night

it was

uh.

i actually enjoyed a lot of the things people were complaining about in the beginning, because while i could understand their criticisms, to me its flaws felt like something it would grow past as it was establishing a new foundation for a new story, which was what was promised to us, and obviously that's gonna require slowing down the pacing and lowering the stakes, which is fine!

but then the second half of the MSQ hit and i just-

on paper it should have been amazing

on paper i should have fucking loved it

but in execution, i stg trying to finish the lvl 98-100 MSQ took years off my life, even tho the majority of them took me a single night to beat, it still felt like it both overstayed its welcome and also did way too little with what it was trying to present us with

i know this is vagueposting because i don't wanna spoil, but man. "divisive" is definitely a word to describe the Dawntrail MSQ with, especially considering how many people were telling me "it gets better in the second half!" and again, I thought the first half of it wasn't as bad as people were saying, so I was HYPED for the second half, and instead I was brutally disappointed by what I got instead u.u

that said, the dungeon and trial gameplay mechanics are great, when the expansion remembers that it is in fact a video game it does it really well, it's just unfortunately not often enough for it to make up for the sloggy pacing of the story

the music is a bop, there are a couple tracks that i was a little eeeh on because they just felt really saccharine in a way that just clashed entirely with the tone of XIV and made me want to throw my headphones in the garbage, but the majority of the soundtrack was otherwise really well done, soken was really channelling his inner david wise here with the donkey kong vibes LOL but there are some somber tracks that are great too, there's a lot of range here in the soundtrack that should be appreciated despite the odd cringe track

environment design was solid, there were some zones that were questionable in their design because some of them felt pitifully empty despite promising bustling populations (looking at you, Tuliyollal and Solution Nine >:x)

but man , the last zone was brutal and that sucks because again, on paper, the concept SHOULD have been awesome, but ultimately it's still relying on the exact same plot devices in the past (insert lost civilization whose previous inhabitants/rulers are hellbent on keeping it alive even at the expense of current civilizations here) and the gameplay itself deadass forgot it's a game because there isn't a SINGLE instance of necessary combat or gameplay during all of it and so when the final quest (as per tradition, named "Dawntrail") finally pops up, it's like wait what ? that's it?? thankfully the last quest has both a dungeon and trial in it but it feels less like thought out design and more like the game devs remembering they had to actually include some gaming in their video game at the last minute LOL

i think the extra burden of directing FF XVI definitely caught up to Yoshi-P on this one, as well as the budgeting problems that still exist from COVID, and the fact that much of that budget clearly went to overall QOL changes like the graphics engine getting an almost complete rehaul (even in the previous expansions which is. a lot of work. like they want to re-texture ALL of the gear in this game and THAT'S A LOT, literally thousands of items!). where this expansion wins, it wins big, but those wins aren't enough to carry an overall lackluster experience that drags itself out way too fucking long for its own good. the story could have absolutely used a few more rounds in the writing room, if they couldn't afford more voice acted scenes then they should have simply just cut down on the amount of cutscenes, and i think the devs need to seriously ask themselves if the Trust system is worth dragging the Scions back into every adventure even when they have nothing to do (and it shows). like idk, just spitballing here, but the Trust system might be a good chance to re-introduce the GC squadrons, no? maybe go back to the roots a little bit and buff up the stuff that could still have a lot more life if given a chance?

anyways my experience with DT has been about a 6/10 and that score in the end will depend on how the patch quests go over the next couple years, I still prefer it over Stormblood (fr fuck SB lol) but it definitely feels like it's trying too hard to be like EW and ShB while missing what made EW and ShB so good in the first place (or acknowledging why its flaws were forgivable within the context of their respective designs, like yeah EW's pacing was iffy too but it at least had a lot more going on in it to justify it, DT is just grasping at straws by comparison). and in that sense it winds up being a lot more like ARR, where it's just kind of lost in what it's trying to do and creates a worse experience by the end. hopefully like with ARR back in the day the devs will figure out it's time to shake things up and try something new without using the old as a crutch.

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

copying anon over here because i went to save the ask to my drafts and tumblr sent it directly to the shadow realm, welp:

I dug through your rambles about Hermes, so I'm looking forward to thoughts on Erich with the ancient world's everything lol ~

ahhhh thank you, i'm glad you've enjoyed my rambles so far!! i've been taking the second half of the pandaemonium arc more slowly, partly because i'm been Out of It the last few days and partly because the direction the plotline with erich and lahabrea has taken a turn for has been leaving a really bad taste in my mouth. i've been making my way through it, though, and percolating Deeply on the He and how he and pandaemonium as a whole fit into all this. spoiler alert i love him even more now

(on the one hand, it finally helped me articulate some points that imo make or break an 'abusive parent sees the error of their ways and apologizes up and down and swears to do better, and both that and the context in which the abuse happened leave their victim feeling conflicted about it' arc. so there's that! on the other hand it, uh. it did so by very much being the goofus here lmao, and erich deserved better.)

(the way the whole thing is played off is also just, deeply deeply misogynistic. athena is top-tier nastywoman and i love her for it, and 'mothers--in particular white women, especially to their children of color--can be shitty and predatory and abusive and are accountable for it full stop,' is great abuse rep but fucking WOWZERS)

(which like, i will say that the overtones are not at all lost on me that athena repeatedly goes out of her way to prey on, abuse, and violate not just men of color but black men; dehumanizes them and treats them and their bodies as her property; and is strongly implied to have sexually abused erich in particular. and how the one who gets the brunt of it is her biracial, very VERY not white-passing son, who she isolated from the black side of his family to do whatever she wanted with. it is insanely fucking refreshing to see that shit not cushioned at ALL, and it really sucks that that had to come bundled in with the abuse apologia and misogyny.)

(i am also realizing that this is one of the reasons erich whitewashing, and how common it is in the fandom as well as official art, bothers me so much beyond the obvious. while it's uncertain how much of it was intentional, his narrative evokes not just real-world racism but colorism, and a specific brand of it and how it intersects with abuse. even if just on a doylist level erich was abused for being as dark-skinned as he is, and erasing that is even shittier than your run-of-the-mill whitewashing.)

(anyway. ANYWAY. anyway. all that is a post of its own and i haven't even gotten to the parts about ancient society yet. you see what i mean by having a lot of thoughts about him lmao)

i'm hoping to finish the last leg of the questline tonight so i can start fully putting my thoughts together because god there is SO MUCH, and i'm excited even if i foresee having to grit my teeth through the rest of the moments between him and lahabrea lmao

[emperorsfortune]

me: i can't be invested yet this is tentative and i might not even end up caring for longer than a few days/weeks

also me: *sees discourse abt characters and feels way too emotionally affected*

[dragoon-mid-jump]

Alphinaud: Alisaie, please keep an eye on Kouh’to today. He's gonna say something to the wrong person and get himself punched.

Alisaie: Sure, I'd love to see Kouh’to get punched.

Alphinaud: Try again.

Alisaie, rolling her eyes and sighing: I will stop Kouh’to from getting punched.

Alphinaud: Correct.

[system-of-a-feather]

Aight genuinely speaking, I think I'm done and over being a whingey baby about specific aspects of gender and dysphoria that I've been stuck on and stubborn on solely because of my ego

Admittedly the past year I haven't been following my core principles that I jokingly call my Life Principles to Never Loosing in Life and then running around wondering why dysphorias been kicking my ass so hard

And honestly

Today I PLAYED MY GUITAR for the first time in like a month or more

And go figure, I get time to sit and reflect and process things without shutting down and ya know

I'm right and I've always been right all along. I AM being a dumbass whose been stubbornly making excuses and refusing to let go on an unchangeable aspect of what I WANT by telling myself its what I NEED when I know perfectly well what I think I want and need are often wrong and that getting hung up on what I think is a 1) path to being a fraudulent self and 2) a path to misery chasing after an ideal state that doesn't currently exist

And its totally fair and totally valid because I'm a human and person myself, but I think over a year of me shooting my rational brain down with 'Well if thats true then I might as well die so this is an exception' is enough

And honestly, lets me real, XIV 1.0 brain has had his time to pout about reality and life as a transman being unjustly hard and difficult but ya know what traumatized and immature me? We aren't gonna get shit ass anywhere just sitting here feeling bad about our life and wishing we could will our ideal reality into existence by being upset about it

And honestly? I'm done being so caught up in it. Lets actually go back to following our *smacks the book* Principles and approach this issue like literally every other issue and start our approach and perspective from where we are and look in the WIDE and NONSPECIFIC direction of where we want to be and maintain our FLEXIBILITY and WIDE vision

I'm tired of being in my emotional and immature (but valid) brain and like come on kiddo, lets get back to operating in a way that helps us.

Shits hard now get over it and figure out how to fix it.

[gatheredfates]

I am thinking about the Compendium.

I am... I don't think disheartened is the right word—I feel like that implies it's targeted at other people/the community when the contemplation and consideration is aimed inwardly to myself—but I can't quite surmise the best word to sum up how I feel.

I know I would have liked to have had more Free Company / Event / Community focused spaces by now, but I think that's self-inflicted. I think my adherence to wanting permission from server owners has created a rod for my back in that not every server owner is on tumblr, has time to submit their communities or may even know of the Compendium in general. It's lead to me needing to do a bulk of the reaching out as well as recording and maintaining the document.

Which, don't get me wrong, I enjoy! I've had success! But I don't really have time for it between working full time, caring for my partner, running my other projects and actually having time for myself / my interests / my ocs and stories. There's a level of investment in trying to find the communities, join them, reach out to the owners and then copy all the information into the Compendium—time I'm realising I don't always have (unfortunately).

What it means is that I'm left with three options. One is to just suck it up and try to do it anyway, risking burnout in the process. Two is to appoint people to reach out on my / the Compendium's behalf; a job I wouldn't ask anyone to do unless they wanted to volunteer and, even then, I'm kinda eh about. Three is to reassess the Compendium's categories and change up what I accept.

I feel like the latter is the best. While consent is still important to me, I'm tempted to operate on adding Community and Event discords on the basis of them having public links (in the way I openly advertise Seafloor) is implied consent to be added to the Compendium—in the same way I don't mind if people link Seafloor in their Discords. It would be for these servers only ("Communities" in this instance being servers catered to a specific part of xiv storytelling / roleplay; e.g. a Doman Community, a WoL-centric community, etc. and events being like cafes, fight clubs, public in-character spaces—you get the idea), but means that people can anonymously submit communities and events they are a part of, rather than needing to ask their leaders, and I have a greater chance capture more spaces.

Free Companies and Casual servers would still require submission, due to their more intimate nature, but I don't think that's a huge setback? However, whether you're a Free Company leader or not, if you have a suggestion for a better method, I'm all ears.

Obviously, if people don't want their spaces on the Compendium, they can message me and I will remove them. That aspect won't change. I'm just wanted to alleviate some of my workload whilst also... kinda giving myself more work by proxy. It makes sense in my brain.

If the overwhelming answer is no, I'll go back to the drawing board. I don't think it's a bad idea, but there might be something I'm overlooking.

Anyway, if you've read this far, thanks for your time!! I care you. I'm going to bed. I may not respond to replies here until tomorrow. 💖

[twacn]

okay okay okay. Actually really curious abt this. @ saw fans. You are selected by lions gate to make saw XIV (or any arbitrary new saw movie, but point being it doesnt have to be the sequel/continuation to saw X) how many ideas do you already have in your back pocket? Also please tell me specifics in the tags!!

lmk if anyones confused on what these actually mean

[risingoflights]

Omg finally get to see ur azem!! I love how his brain works xD

yay! :D

being late to xiv means i've been exposed to spoilers throughout, so i've known the general concept of azem since my arr days. really excited to be learning more myself now - just got to elpis so there's not much info yet, but enough to at least craft me an image!

(there are so many emet-selch and wol things i've been wanting to draw but held back because i don't think the relationship nuance can be fully explored without azem. so going forward the journals will probably backtrack a bit into shb again so i can fill in those gaps. ;D)

[spiribia]

really not a big fan of the xiv fandom 'when will they add a woman character to the game who's actually interesting and doesn't die instantly' rhetoric because it's a feminist sounding idea commonly used to dress up this notion of every single woman in the game as too cardboard written to ever care about or talk about or make fan work about and that's why it's actually 'justified' there's never anything about them meanwhile the rampant fan favorite characters are literally Man That Sat Next To You At The DMV For Five Minutes Cutscene while people are saying y'shtola never had any conflict or interesting character nuance and only grew a personality in shadowbringers which is actually where i personally think she started losing it for fan appeal and for the record nobody ever writes haurchefant and co. off as being poorly written characters not even meriting any thought or analysis just because he died and how many fan favorite men are even alive at this point btw and how many have far less screentime than (crawling darkly) (twisting)

[worldformula]

Im so curious about ur wol...do u have a doc for his backstory/willing to talk about him?

i would love nothing more than to talk about my specialest little princess. you can't get mad at me though!!!

tl;dr, here is his chart of characters he is most like. please trust me.

his moral compass is a roulette wheel.

don't want to put too much here so here's a really condensed version of his backstory and personality!

(tbh he was a riff off of a shared set of ocs that my friend jay and i made! because they're basically fire emblem ocs forced in xiv, their backstories are slightly more convoluted than if he had just been made for xiv in the first place)

utushama is the younger twin to his sister inanna and she reminds him every day of his life. they were actually born right before the third umbral calamity and transported into the future by their father, who was tricked by an ascian into causing said calamity. he doesn't actually remember that time and mistake their memory of it as the seventh calamity (though the body keeps the score, as he and inanna have pyrophobia for reasons they can't fully explain). they grew up very isolated in the dravanian woods and were raised by their other parent, who was unfortunately not super present in their lives bc they were basically working around the world as a mercenary to feed them. eventually dragons came to rock their shit and burn their house down because of the dragons' lingering resentment of their father, who hunted them for their eyes. they ran off to the abandoned saint mocianne's arboretum to wait for their parent who never returned. so they finally left dravania, albeit with different intentions -- inanna wanted to find their parent while utushama was convinced that their father was still out there and the cause of their parent's disappearance. so after a huge argument about this, inanna went to gridania to start her search while utushama went to ul'dah to avenge his parent.

compared to inanna, who's much more rough around the edges with a soft heart, utushama seems gentle, guiding, and easy to become friends with, only for prospective friends and partners to find themselves stonewalled by his emotional unavailability. he is very approachable and sweet, but often justifies his (not purposeful) cruelty and callousness by using his grand quests as an excuse, as he really falls into his role as a prince-like hero, often to his detriment. though he's got a pleasant personality, he can also be judgmental, stubborn, petty, and brutally unforgiving. he can't forgive deceit or injustice, though his extremities in black-and-white thinking eventually grey out over time. he wants to be a good person most of all, but unfortunately confuses being great for being good :( his character arc is mostly about him realizing the impossibility of being a perfect hero archetype in a world that is convoluted, nuanced, and contradictory. as a result, his story is pretty gendered despite his preference for androgynous clothing/decor.

he is an all-rounder with a focus on magic over physical strength: paladin (tank), black mage/dragoon (dps fusion), and i still can't decide on a healing class for him. mostly because he hasn't focused on healing since childhood. i main sage and i prefer healing above all else though :}

[little-desi-historian]

OP--turned off reblogs and it is bad tumblr etiquette to try reblog it again, but I am sharing this with two cents cause I have opinions + media criticism credentials + done archivist historian work + my current wip centres largely around this nuance and the nuance of inherent human unreliability. See here, and here. Meaningful citation I am gonna quote a lot… also this is just my opinion having read Das Kapital and worked at a unions museum and being a historical fiction writer + gothic horror writer.

when I say "apologize" for Robespierre I don't mean take away his humanity or complexity. The same applies to Marie Antoinette as much as I don't like at all what she stood for or her irl views, she was still a person, as well Napoleon I Bonaparte (the first 'Liberal' Dictator) are all people, not necessarily 'moral' or 'good' people, and we don't have to erase their humanity to talk about how they were not 'good.'

As competent as Louis XIV nicknamed, Louis the Great (Louis le Grand) or Sun King (le Roi Soleil) for his competence and ability to win France's colonial wars (a thing shockingly-- historians of all political leanings agree upon), could've spared France and all of its citizenry a lot of hurt if he just took away the ancien regimes social powers but left them their titles etc. TLDR: if France became a constitutional monarchy none of the French revolution would've happened.

Robespierre was by no means an "avenging angel" but it is important to keep in mind most of what he fought for was warranted and he was the victim of a posthumous smear campaign.

I cannot possibly reiterate enough times just how messed up the ancien regime was, yeah, not all nobility had power or wealth, like country nobility. But, unless you are the bourgeoise new money, titled and wealthy or court nobility. You along with the 99.9% (who is not the clergy or the second estate) might as well be getting by on scraps, Dangerous Liaisons (the book) touches on this conflict a lot.

Historical fiction is by nature fiction it shouldn't be moralized differently from any other fiction.

The French (and by extension European + American) empires never really 'died' they just rebranded themselves a lot.

[ishgard]

1 and 12 for shipping questions?

Thank you! :D (Get to know my shipping preferences & ships)

Answered #1 here and here but I will absolutely list more >3

1. List 3 Shipping Tropes You Love

Dunno what this is called either but the Inuyasha x Kagome type bickering - GRANTED it has to be done well, it has to have a certain balance and I’m very picky about it because I see it done in ways that are just uncomfortable and not fun pretty often, but when it’s done well to my liking -chefs kiss- 

Similarly a bit nuanced, and I guess kind of falls under the umbrella of ‘power imbalance’ maybe? But any sort of… royal/knight, loyal servant/protector, trope. For me it’s mostly about the devotion, the longing, the 'I see a side of you no one else gets to see', the careful tiptoeing around the elephant in the room, or how they’ll sacrifice anything for the other no matter the cost.

Fake dating/arranged marriage. This is similar a bit to the ‘sex first romance later’, with the 'doing things out of order'. Love being put into a situation no one really wants/that isn’t ideal but then discovering you’re excellent together and an amazing team, often enabling you to overcome greater challenges/otherwise laugh in the face of whoever put you in this situation.

12. List 3 ships you currently love

Okay these aren’t all FF14 but-

Ahru x Deryk - Obv. I love them so much they’ve been so much fun, and even though XIV is a little on the backburner right now (and my sub is up) I can’t wait to get back and do more with them. They’ve really become a comfort ship, so cozy and appealing to so many of my favorite tropes/aesthetics.

Love two wanderers coming together after their own hard travels and sharing the road, and everything that entails. I think both of them, albeit to different levels, had a deep loneliness to them but at the same time just kind of embraced that loneliness - like it wasn’t exactly a bad thing, they both enjoy their solitude and take joy in their lifestyle - yanno, if it weren’t for all of the horrors X’D But they come together and it is, for the most part, quiet and respectful, knowing what the other has been through, and saying I see you, I’m here with you now, we don’t have to go it alone anymore. 

Reverie x Rann - This is one of my DD2 ships based on very old OCs of mine so there are a lot of layers here, and who knows I might just bring them to Etheirys down the road too. But the gist is: Reincarnation/defying death and rewriting the world order as a meansl to fix what went wrong, where we failed, and making sure we can always find each other because we’re two parts of the same song. Maybe committing some atrocities along the way because what’s a little sin so long as you’re safe? 

Emrys x Olivia - My other DD2 ship they are both sluts who bicker and fight but have each others back at the end of the day. This one I can ramble less about because they’re extremely based in their setting but I have been having so, so much fun with them. (Shameless fic plug though for anyone also on the DD2 train.)

[aotopmha]

Man, all of the criticism for the story of Final Fantasy XIV that tries to be substantial I end up encountering is either generalisation or bad faith readings or plain poor reading comprehension.

(Spoilers for the story here.)

I haven't felt this invested in my frustration with poor critical thinking skill in a while because I think XIV has so much fantastic nuance in its writing.

So when I see a character that I think is clearly meant to not be put in a specific box being put in a box I die a little inside.

There is so much room for nuanced conversation with so many characters here.

And my often most favourite part of all of this is in here, too – the flaws I see in the story are interesting, too. (Except for pacing issues. That one's I think pretty much never been all that interesting for me with any story.)

There is a very clear division in those who are invested in my experience: those who really, really love it all, which in my eyes seems to be a majority or the minority that just deeply hates the game.

And I think both are such painfully simplistic, unsubstantial perspectives.

You've got all of these fascinating scenarios and individual stories and all you get is 'this is great' or 'this is the worst thing ever'.

And I truly haven't had a stronger sense of 'i hate it here' in a long while.

This is obviously another example of where particularly internet criticism has ended up and the general trends of tribalism and division of everything into binary systems that has also seeped into literary analysis, but you've got complex villains/antagonists with complex circumstances like Emet, Hermes, Fordola and Yotsuyu and all you see is generalisations like 'grumpy old man/sadboi/poor victim (or shallow evil villain) uwu' when I think all of them are so much more.

And the nuances are so clearly brought out, too. FFXIV is so deliberate with so many of its writing choices.

But I suppose this just shows nuances are exactly that – nuances.

They are exactly the thing that creates simple readings of complex stories. It's much easier to grab on to a set core and put that in a box.

Which is why we also have stuff like people putting Venat into a archetypal goddess of light box eventhough a huge point of her character is that she is flawed and driven by a very specific perspective herself. Just like all of the other characters, she is driven by her character perspective and what she thinks is right.

And that's an extremely important complexity that is also really easy to just bury if you just really really want to push the story in a box for whatever reason.

Thus lots of 'i hate it here' energy from a lot of the discussion I see around the story.

[loreweaver-universe]

And that’s the episode.

Sympathetic Amity?  Amity/Luz friendship?  A fanbase that definitely went nuts with shipping because of this episode?  This one has it all!  I really liked that.  I already thought Amity was a good character, and having this additional nuance added to her was very welcome.  And the things it reveals about her character are such good details!  My favorite is the implication that she dyes her hair to fit in with the rest of her family.

I wonder how the twins will come into play in the future.  They’re definitely coming back--Amity fighting back against them is the obvious next step, and I’d be shocked if they hired Erica Lindbeck to say fifteen lines and then vanish--but how I don’t know.

That’ll be it for today--and this is the start of a VERY successful new step for me livebloggingwise!  Four days in a row is more consecutive liveblogging than I’ve managed in YEARS, and being able to approach this is bite-sized chunks is WONDERFUL for my anxiety.  I think I’m going to be quite successful going forward, and you can expect me to liveblog at noon EST every day for the foreseeable future.  (Except tomorrow, tomorrow’s a day off for deep-cleaning my room.)

Up next is going to be me working on my backlog of Patron Picks--I’m WAY behind, and I have some stuff from all the way back in October that I need to do.  The next liveblog we’re doing is the first half of Fooly Cooly’s final episode, so tune in for that tomorrow!  I’m also going to be starting today’s Final Fantasy XIV stream today in about twenty minutes, so tune in there if you want to watch me make my way through Heavensward!

As always, thank you for tuning in, and thank you to the 48 patrons on my Patreon who make it so I can pay my rent and bills!  I’ll see you next time!

IN OTHER NEWS:

I have an ongoing first playthrough of Final Fantasy XIV that I’ve been streaming on Twitch! If you’d like to tune in when I’m live, I stream it every Saturday at 1 PM EST, and I upload my stream VODs to my Youtube channel!  If you’d like to see that playlist, click here!

I recently completed my first playthrough of Hi-Fi Rush!  You can see the full playlist of those streams by clicking here!

I recently completed my first playthrough of the Dead Space remake!  You can see the full playlist of those streams by clicking here!

If you’d like to help me pay my rent, buy me some food, or help with my bills and medicine, please use my direct donation link!  If you’d like to support me per liveblog completed every month, please pledge to my Patreon!  If you’d like to support my streams or pick a game for me to stream, you can pledge to my stream Patreon too!

You should also go pledge to Gio’s Patreon, or his Sponsus–our Discord server maintenance tech and creator of Rubybot deserves far more than I can afford to pledge to him by myself.

If you’d like more of me and my content:

My Episode Lists master page, where you can find every show and liveblog I’ve done!

My Discord server, where you can come hang out with me and other fans, check out member liveblogs, and join community gaming guilds!

My Twitch channel, where I stream variety games every so often!

My Youtube channel, where you can check out past streams!

My ask blog, where you can send me questions and comments!

My Twitter, where I make announcements about liveblogs and streams!

My merch store, where you can get shirts, mugs, stickers, and more!

It’s your kindness and support that lets me do this stuff, and I wouldn’t be where I am without all of you to do it for.  Thank you all so much for your support, and for tuning in every episode!

OTHER PEOPLE YOU MAY ENJOY:

I may have been one of the earlier Steven Universe liveblogs, but a whole community of livebloggers has sprung up over the last six years!   I linked to a bunch individually for a few wrap-ups, but honestly, this end-slate is already eight billion miles long, so I’m just gonna link to my links page.  Click here if you want recommendations of other livebloggers, or other neat people, or webcomics and podcasts that I recommend.

[system-of-a-feather]

Full Integration, Final Fusion, Functional Multiplicitly, and General "Spirituality"

(Disclaimer: this is a very long post)

Heyyo, this is a bit of a hodgepodge of connected topics that I was thinking on this morning. For those that don't know, after like three months of being a really solid fused whole, we really decided that we needed to redivide back into our core parts to recenter, rebalance, and reorganize ourselves since our fused whole was loosing sight / vision of the "plot". We don't consider this "splitting" because we are still in - what we like to call "full integration" - and we don't really engage in much dissociation when we do this as the means of how we do this largely stems from the way we perceive, engage with, and view the concept of "self" and "identity." Our system highly values the mastery and art of a very fluid and ever changing sense of identity and self. This morning - thank you Chunn brain for batting our collective brain from the usual urge to get out of bed and get started with our day to give us time to really sit with our inner selves - we spent about an hour and a half and a small half hour nap just laying there thinking among ourselves and I wanted to share a few.

I think at the moment I am still mostly a fused whole and I had considered trying to go to Ray or Lin for them to write this, but it didn't feel right to go to Ray brain and Lin brain directly told me "Dude, this thought line started with Riku-dominant fused brain, trying to have someone else write it would be a disservice to the reflection. Let Riku or Riku-dominant fused brain do it, it's their thought." and you know, fair point. I think I'll use this post as a temporary "bye few thoughts" and love letter to our parts as a fused whole before leaving it to the individual specialists to do their things.

So introduction to this post aside, hello and temporary soon to be farewell before I choose to temporarily redivide into my main parts. Today is May 15, 2024 and I'm gonna document this a bit for when I come back whenever that is and kind of see if my fused-whole perspective and nature changes - mostly for myself. Online I go by Feathers, irl I just go by our chosen name.

I'm a (mostly, technically non-denominational independent, but most of my views and perspectives come from and align closely with) Zen Buddhist. I'm nonbinary vaguely transmasc (not really though?) intersex individual with the pronouns of they/them. I am extremely pro-endo and if I honestly felt like sticking around longer, I was thinking about writing a much more nuanced essay on tulpa-terminology discourse with my current reflections as a fused whole and as a pretty avid Buddhist but, unforunately, unless one of my parts still shares the same insight AND interest, that essay will have to wait for me to potentially be back (hey, Riku or Chunn might still want to who knows). I dunno what else to say, I love bird, Bleach, walking, driving, listening to music, video games, writing, art? I dunno man, I'm just me.

Documentation aside anyways, I gotta figure out where I want to start. I think I will actually piss my high-school English teachers off and start with the LAST thing in the title card. I might loose a lot of close minded white anti-endos here, but hey, if you are that close minded, then its your loss cause I'm just talking about late-stage recovery as a person with diagnosed DID that is considered polyfragmented. It's a fun conversation to have with other people with DID aiming for recovery so, if you're hell bent on hating people talking about plurality form a non-DID lens enough to disregard cool information, that's your loss. (Thank you XIV brain, crediting that to you for part of our goal today)

Buddhism, Spirituality, Plurality and Our Perspective of Full Integration

According to Buddhism, and one of the largest concepts and principles of Buddhism that we believe the most in and actively work to practice and cultivate the mindset of - is that the concept of "I" and the concept of a singular, distinct, and separate self from the world and others simply does not exist - only the experience and illusion of experience exists. I was talking about it with @quoigenicfromhell in DMs since they were interested in talking shop about Buddhism.

To save myself a whole effort of rewriting a discussion on how one can hold together the clear sensation of existing and being an individual with the idea and Buddhist understanding that the "self" does not exist, I'm going to copy a little bit of what I wrote in response to them. If it doesn't make sense cause its in a bit of Buddhist jargon, then oh well, I'm lazy, it's written for an audience that has done some reading and looking into Buddhist thought so RIP yall srry not srry (Thank you Chunn brain lol)

Honestly the development and understanding of holding those two things together (the non-self and non-existence with the clear experience of self and existence) is largely a lot of exploration on the understanding and respect for the experience without applying too much value or regard to said experience. Its kind of a hard thing to understand just based off of words alone and like all things Buddhism, its one of those sorts of things you really gotta sit on and explore in your own mental space, but like

The experience of self and personhood and existence is a denied concept in Buddhist thought, but its not a bad or incorrect thing, the experience of self and existence is kind of considered an inherent expression of life and the world and while its important to be cognicent that it is an illusion that can cause suffering and muddy an individuals ability to see Things As They Are, the experience and illusion of self is additionally an entirely natural thing to experience and is an important part of being able to, well, be

I kinda of personally perceive it kind of similarly to say a part in a system. Innately the part is not (at least in my experiences of systemhood) a literal entire separate being and thats an important thing to acknowledge for a number of reasons (life organization and direction, system accountability, etc) but its would also be incredibly foolish to completely ignore that the part operates, experiences themselves, and lives in the world (both inner and outer) as if they were an individual of their own

In the same sense that a part in a system can be seen both as an individual and a part of a whole / collective depending on what perspective and demands the moment needs. An individual can be seen both as the individual expression of a self informed by the arguably incorrect illusion of isolation OR as a part of the whole worlds expression depending on what serves the moment the best. I largely kind of see myself as part of a system that is the world much like I see my parts as part of a system that is "me". While the self may be an illusion, its not an experience that can be denied and it is an innate expression that in its own right can prove to be a great teacher So you deny the concept of a self but respect and revere the experience and innate natural expression of self

With that context in mind, while we do not believe in the concept of self and find that trying to seek out a concrete idea of a singular person and singular self in society is a source of extreme suffering, stress, and displeasure, we DEEPLY revere and honor the expression of self. As we see it, in a complete ideal and impossible the world would be in perfect harmony if we let the world express itself as it naturally does. We find that the experiences of self - in whatever form they take - are inherent and natural expressions of the world as a whole and to try to shape oneself to fit a specific image - may that be societally imposed or internally / personally imposed or a sense of envy or any sort of clinging or desire to a specific version / image of self - is a disrespect to the innate beauty found in the natural expression and a means of adding disharmony into the world.

As a result, our system and whole aims deeply, above almost all else to exist simply as we naturally would in any moment time to time. If we find that something we are doing with our sense of self is drawn and influenced too much on a "I should" or "I want" or "I wish" or "I hope" then we tend to pause, self reflect, and ask if we are actually existing in our natural state, or are we trying to fight against our natural state of self to fit into a self-imposed idea of what we "should be".

As a result of that, our system deeply values our flexibility, fluidity, and ability to change any aspect of ourselves, any opinion we hold, any identity label we consider, and our overall presentation in all ways and forms to a very high level. The desire to be consistent and predictable serves us little in simply practicing on "being" and finding the true and simply-run life that we want. That then results in why our system so casually flips around in system size, fusions, redivisions, how we refer to ourselves, etc. We find very little value in committing to labels and concepts and do whatever is natural for us.

Additionally, another large aspect of Buddhism our system deeply reveres and appreciates is the acknowledgement that there are "Buddhas" - or in less Jargon terms, potential for everything both internal and external to be teachers and guides into finding a sense of peace and simplicity in the world - and that it is deeply important to cultivating peace, happiness, and insight to actively always be seeking out the "Buddha" in everything and everyone. It's important to reflect, engage with, and talk with those "Buddhas" as they are the best and number one way to gain the insight that brings happiness and peace into life and removes excessive suffering and stress.

As many Buddhists agree (at least of the Mahayanan branches), everyone is inherently a Buddha because the world and everything is a Buddha. The only issue people have is that they can not connect, hear, and see clearly enough to be in that state due to a large number of human conditions - one large one being the aforementioned illusion of self.

Having lived my life as someone with DID and having gone through a lot of trauma therapy, self reflection, communication and coordination with my parts, and all that to the point we have reached functional multiplicity over a year plus ago and been able to hold a fully fused state for over three months, I feel like its a given to say that of ALL things in the world, the "Buddha nature" of my parts have been the best and most insightful teachers I've ever had. We revere each other's strengths and specialties greatly as each of us have taught the other great strengths, great understandings, great insights, and great appreciations that have collectively brought us so much peace and happiness. It's not to say any part is "enlightened" because each part is also deeply flawed and struggling in their own realms, but it is largely by working and talking and supporting one another and ACTIVELY looking to one another for insight and lessons about the world and our existence that we are able to reach a uniquely peaceful space.

For us, its an incredibly important practice - both for self care and in the art / spirituality of Buddhism - to regularly talk and engage with these specialized and uniquely-wise (and uniquely stupid - thank you XIV) parts of ourselves to gain deeper insight and overall understanding of ourselves and our place in the world.

In the same sense, it is why - despite being completely capable of operating as a fully fused whole - we regularly choose to INTENTIONALLY redivide into our parts. And no, its not us "splitting again" or even really throwing up any real level of dissociation / dissociative barriers. If anything, we usually do this through meditation and mindfulness.

It's a Buddhist practice, its not a mental disorder and its not stemming from the same mechanism's DID stems from. It might operate *based* on the foundation our history with DID stems from, but at this point in our healing, the way our system operates at functional multiplicity that is intentionally chosen to be that way AFTER reaching "final fusion" has a number of differences from how it operated before we reached general full integration.

Again, for those more familiar with the tulpa-terminology discussion, you might be able to see where I would have a long post delving into a highly nuanced and more middle-ground perspective of that syscourse from the paragraph above this one, but I'm gonna leave that cause I already know this post is long and it would detract from the purpose.

At this point, my system is mostly an "intentionally created one" to Western label standards. We personally do not see any significance or binary in plural VS singular people beyond it being a label some people identify with and not. Plural VS Singular is a false binary perpetuated in white, western, and european society and while I respect that perspective and view in a space that is primarily filled with white, western, and/or european individuals, I am going to firmly state that and expect you to give me that same respect. (and if you refuse to give me that same respect, then you are close minded and being very white / western lmao <- thank you XIV, again)

And so the other related but slightly different topic away from the more philosophical, esoteric, mysticism sounding topic of Buddhism...

Full Integration, Final Fusion, and Functional Multiplicitly

At this point, what we used to call "Wishiwashi Recovery" we kind of have taken to just calling "full integration" generally as a means of really breaking apart the suggested categorical and boxed binary of "final fusion" and "functional multiplicity" as our own experience and discussion with other systems at and near full integration have made us realize that the difference between functional multiplicity and final fusion is FAR more a spectrum than it is two seperate categories. Some systems stick to one end, some to the others, but the largest difference is in external and internal expression of the parts and less any fundamental or biological / clinical difference; at least not in terms of integration. (Note: Integration =/= Fusion; Integration is the general connectivity and accessibility of parts with less / limited / no dissociation)

It's a false binary to say Final Fusion or Functional Multiplicity and its why a lot of the "ones bad and ones good" syscourse is dumb. They're two heads of the same Doduo and they should be kissing. (JOKING, thank you Riku-Aya brain)

With that said, our system, as we've made clear, regularly and freely practices sliding and flying all over that spectrum as just how we like to engage with ourselves. We change between the two as we see fit and having spent probably like 9~ months in functional multiplicity and 3~ months in final fusion I wanted to share some pros and cons of both sides.

I would also like to put a disclaimer that this isn't meant to be "positives and why this side sucks" as much as it is the differences in life style according to our opinion and our experience. Both final fusion and functional multiplicity are absolutely WONDERFUL things overall and we love both states. If we got "stuck" in either, we would still be immensely happy. The purpose of this part is just to share certain differences in how we experience the two different ends. The Cons in these case are only "cons" relative to the "alternative" and not "to not ever reaching either"

Functional Multiplicity Pros:

A lot more clear and direct communication between parts internally that allows for a SHIT ton of internal banter, productive conversation about complex topic and perspectives from unique and diverse perspectives; the communication is a lot more intentional and a lot more in focus so its easier to properly sit and attend to the complex differences and sometimes conflicting directions

It's honestly just a lot of fun, not gonna lie. A lot more dramatic and extravagant expression + brain friends in a more overt sense

Easier to let certain parts of the brain take "breaks" - it's not the same as it is with not-fully-integrated DID but compared to Full Fusion, certain parts of the brain can "tune out" easier than not

More palatable to DID / OSDD spaces online

Easier to focus and use a wide variety of skills, interests, hobbies, and thinking patterns by simply just having a specialist part take their look at it

Generally easier to target specific boxes to look into as you process all the newly accessible memories and information from being highly / fully integrated

Final Fusion Pros:

Quick and a lot more inherent understanding of all parts on a general gut level without necessarily needing to fully think about everything and listen to every opinion and perspective; there is a lot more of an inherent understanding, trust, and awareness of the collective whole which makes decision making and seeing whats good for the system as a whole a lot easier

It's honestly way more calming, relaxing, and solid feeling. There is a unique sense of confidence, understanding, and trust within yourself and you have a HUGE arsenal of skills and interests that come from the combined parts that you've lived as

You are a lot more present and aware of your life and you actually get to live YOUR life and have all parts of yourself be engaged in life; no part feels really left behind or is caught off guard from having their brain partially turned off. The awareness is really present and engagement is so much more complete.

More palatable in real life and non-DID/OSDD spaces

Easier to simultaneously use skills from multiple parts at once; very much a jack of all trades all at once situation

Generally easier to integrate multiple complex and otherwise seemingly detatched boxes of memory and the past as you process all the newly accessible memories and information from being highly / fully integrated

Functional Multiplicity Cons:

Takes more intention, focus, and often time to get the same level of full understanding of the whole system when making decisions. It can be slow and it requires a lot more internal engagement which can make it harder to be fully present in life

Sometimes you can get what I call "lite" amnesia where a part was not paying attention and doesn't fully process what was going on / what is going on and so sometimes you get poor attention-driven "amnesia". It's small and easily recovered by simply going "hold up wait" and thinking back or asking another part

Harder to use skills from different parts at the same time; albeit definitely still possible and only "harder" relative to final fusion

Generally harder / requires intentional discussion between parts to integrate multiple complex boxes as you process all the newly accessible memories and information from being highly / fully integrated

Final Fusion Cons:

Less direct and overt bantering and discussion between parts (still present by the way, just less frequent and less overt). It can be a little less fun (still is fun cause they are sill there) and it can be a bit harder to fully see the extent of a more extreme perspective

It can be tiring and overwhelming to be aware and present so much for so long if you were accustomed to the breaks DID / OSDD tends to give parts

Easier to forget to use a lot of the skills and hobbies that may have been more niche to less-dominant and less-prominent parts; you don't "loose" the skills, you just aren't accustomed to using them as much so you can just kinda forget to use them

Harder to focus on a targetted recovered memory / information that you want to process and can sometimes be a bit overwhelming trying to connect a number of things at once

And this is all just to say that both are absolutely astonishing and great places to mentally be. The main point is that - for us - sometimes one state works better for us in the moment and another state works better for us later and that's completely cool cause - as aforementioned - the difference between plural vs singular is not a binary one for us anyways.

Anyways, I don't know how to wrap this up so I'mma just post it

Ideally today we will focus on cultivating our independent parts and return to Functional Multiplicity end of the spectrum so I guess tata for now

-Feathers

EDIT and PS: Anyone is allowed to add their thoughts to this so long it is in good faith.

[coconutwaterbending]

10 characters | 10 fandoms | 10 tags (we'll see about that last one) I haven't made a text post in so long how's everyone doing. Thank you, rj (@sidprescot), for the tag! This was a nice surprise. :)

Gosh do I have a type and they're all Old Men and Tragic Ladies my beloved. Let's go!! 1. Varric Tethras (Dragon Age 2): he shot right through my heart with that crossbow THE LITERAL SECOND he came on screen and I've been cursing Bioware ever since. He is a nonromanceable short king and I have never wanted anyone more thx. 2. Nakmor Drack (Mass Effect Andromeda): the Tempest Crew is so freaking charming, and while I love my jelly fish cat aliens the Angara, my favorite character is absolutely this old cantakerous grandpa Krogan. Whom, much like Wrex, I wish I could romance. (p.s. there is a TEASE of a flirt option and u can imagine how little that helped my case) 3. Spock (literally every Star Trek iteration): He is my Everything. Nemoy, Quinto, and Peck all bring something unique to the character's portrayal. I love him in every universe and I can never get enough of this EMOTIONALLY COMPROMISED NERD.

4. Alicent Hightower (House of the Dragon): one half of my divorced lesbinems and I feel so much for her and the tragedy/complexity of both her character and the heartwrenching slow decay of her r/s with Rhaenyra. I cannot wait for S2. 5. Aerith Gainsborough (Final Fantasy VII): ooooough, beautiful, tragic, kind, funny, cool flower seller of my life. Remake!Aerith particularly stole my heart along with the show. There is this sad, beguiling mystery about her that draws you in, and she is so cheerful in spite of it all. I can't wait for Rebirth but also I am terrified lol. 6. Yennefer of Vengerberg (The Witcher): "How ravishing she is, he thought. Everything about her is ravishing. And menacing. Those colours of hers; that contrast of black and white. Beauty and menace. Her raven-black, natural curls. Her cheekbones, pronounced, emphasising a wrinkle, which her smile – if she deigned to smile – created beside her mouth, wonderfully narrow and pale beneath her lipstick…" I mean. C'mon. That is MY WIFE etc, copy paste rj's exact blurb. Anya Chalotra is the perfect Yen. She is everything and deserves the world and I will glady let her burn it all down and murder me if she wants to. 7. Zero (Final Fantasy XIV): [Endwalker patch spoilers!] who doesn't love an autistic badass goth half-human half-voidsent who has lived as a monster for so long she forgot her own identity and is learning how to be human again and finding her humanity via the power of friendship and delicious food, like. I needed more of her and I miss her already!!!

8. Kim Wexler (Better Call Saul): omg so hard to pick just one from this show (ilu nacho), but Kim Wexler SUCKER PUNCHES U IN THE THROAT with her awesomeness. She is this extremely competent, understated cool, calculating yet caring and earnest character who compliments Jimmy so well and whose nuances her amazing actress Rhea Seehorn manages to convey so masterfully. She is also tragic af, but hello it's Breaking Bad prequel lol. On that note... 9. Kim Kitsuragi (Disco Elysium): DOUBLE KIM WHAMMY!!! They're so alike it's not even funny. I'd say Kim has the stronger moral center between the two, but I love them for many of the same reasons. He is also extremely competent, understated cool, with a side of being totally game for Harry's antics once he warms up to him (my Harry build was 'himbo' so he did a lot of dumb shit but he was nice). 10. Irving Bailiff (Severance): firstable, if you haven't seen Severance yet, please do yourself the favor and don't let me spoil this for u!! Irving Bailiff is an Experience. He is a stickler for the rules and very much a stick in the mud compared to his colleagues, but his true self leaks into this version of himself slowly at first, then in surprising bursts of rebellion that become clear at the end when it is shown that his Outtie/true self is actively trying to bring Lumon down like a TOTAL FUCKING BADASS in the most delightful reveal. Also he has a whirlwind romance with another old man played by Christopher Walken.

phew!! this was fun. lol @ my answers getting longer. I'm not tagging anyone but consider this an invitation to join in on the fun anyway!