#When I say I hate myself I actually mean it

[swappermanent]

e-Swap (Part 2)

Read Part 1 by @swapery here.

Liam's POV:

It’s wild to look back on it now. Four years ago, I was just a cocky kid scrolling through Tumblr, indulging in bodyswap roleplays. I mean, it’s hot, right? The idea of becoming someone else, walking in their skin, living their life—it’s escapism at its best.

To be honest, though? What really turned me on the most was the idea of someone else wanting to take over my life. And this guy—Kristoph—he wanted to step into my shoes, take over everything about me, and, I don’t know… maybe live my life better than I could. That hit me somewhere deep.

Sure, I found Kristoph hot. Objectively speaking, he was attractive. He had this kind of rugged, manly charm—average height, short curly brown hair, a beard that was thick but didn’t quite fill in everywhere. In gay terms, he’d be an “otter,” though not the polished, Instagram-perfect kind. Still, there was something about him, something raw and real.

But what I found so hot wasn’t necessarily his looks. It was the roleplay itself. The back-and-forth, the fantasy of letting someone else become me—it was intoxicating. So I flirted with him, told him how hot he was and how much I wanted to be him too. It egged him on, made him want me even more. And that was harmless, right? That’s what roleplaying is for. It’s not real life. Nobody actually thinks they’re going to wake up in someone else’s body.

And who knows? If it hadn’t been for what happened next, I probably would’ve gotten bored after a few days and moved on. I’ve done it before. I’m a bit… boy-obsessive. A bit of a heartbreaker, if I’m being honest. Cute guys came and went. I was always onto the next. And, let’s be real, it usually worked for me because, well, I was even cuter.

But that’s not what happened.

---

I was completely thrown when I woke up one morning in Kristoph’s body. Like, how the fuck was that even possible? I stared at myself—well, at him—in the mirror, touching the unfamiliar beard, the broader shoulders, the chest that didn’t feel like mine. It didn’t make any sense.

The first thing I did was try to contact myself. I called my phone—my phone, which was now across the world in Australia, in Kristoph’s hands. No answer. I sent messages on Tumblr, over and over, desperate to get a reply, but it was like shouting into the void.

Confusion quickly turned to anger. As the hours dragged on, I couldn’t shake the growing suspicion that he must’ve done this to us somehow. He must’ve found a way. What other explanation could there be?

How could he do this to me? To us? Without even asking? Without telling me it was real?

Well… okay. He had asked, technically. And I had consented, in a joking way. But I thought it was all pretend. A game. Roleplay. Something to get off on—not… this.

Now I was out of moves. Totally stuck. Kristoph lived in England—or I guess I did now—and I lived in Australia. Or, well, he did. Either way, it wasn’t like I could just hop on a plane and go confront him. What was I even supposed to say? “Hey, give me my body back”? Impossible.

---

As I began to accept the fact that I was stuck in Kristoph’s body, resentment crept in. I hated how I looked. I mean, I know I’d flirted with him online—played it up, told him how hot I thought he was—but I didn’t actually want to be him. Not for real.

Honestly, I couldn’t stand his beard. It was scruffy, patchy, and felt like a chore to maintain. And in person? He was so much shorter than I’d imagined. That one photo he’d sent me had totally oversold him. His muscles were fine, I guess, but not as impressive as I’d hoped. Definitely felt like I’d been catfished.

And the worst part? He had no hot romantic prospects at all. No dates, no flirty DMs, no wild social life. The guy was a total dud. Meanwhile, I was stuck in his body while he got the better end of the deal.

It didn’t take long for me to start seeing his posts online. There he was, shirtless and flaunting my old twinky body for the world to see. He was out everywhere—hanging with my friends, partying, meeting people I didn’t even recognize. Hot, sexy guys who I could only assume were his latest hookups or maybe even a boyfriend.

At first, it made me furious. How could he be so bold, living my life like that? But slowly—bit by bit—I found myself getting turned on by those posts. Watching him, in my body, owning the life I’d built, looking amazing in photos, thriving without me… it did something to me.

He still wouldn’t reply to my texts, but it’s not like he’d blocked me on social media either. If anything, it felt like he wanted me to see it all. To flaunt it. After all, he’d been into bodyswap fantasies too—he probably loved the idea of me watching him live my life better than I ever could.

And damn, was he doing a good job. I started thinking about how well he was pulling it off. He didn’t need my help or guidance; he didn’t need anything from me at all. He’d just stepped into my shoes and thrived.

I couldn’t help it after a while—it turned me on. Seeing him so confident, so free, so successful in my life was like watching my biggest fantasy unfold before my eyes. It was frustrating. It was infuriating.

And it was so fucking sexy.

---

Eventually, I turned my focus to fixing up my new body, accepting that this situation was probably permanent. There wasn’t much else I could do.

At first, I tried to go back to my old look—the twinky vibe I’d always rocked. It felt safe, familiar. I shaved the beard and acted a bit more submissive, like I used to. But the more I leaned into it, the more wrong it felt.

It was almost like this body was resisting me, like it was pushing me to be something else. Something… jockier. Stronger. It was weird, but I couldn’t ignore it.

So I regrew the beard, but this time I made it work—neat, full, and intentional. Then I started trying out sports, just to see what stuck. Tennis, running, biking… I gave them all a go.

But the one that really clicked for me was rugby. Something about it felt right, like this body was made for it.

I threw myself into it. It was a lot of hard work—hours in the gym, changing how I ate, how I moved, how I carried myself. But over time, I started to see real results. The body I was living in became exactly what Kristoph had pretended to be all those years ago: a true muscle hunk.

It wasn’t just the body, though. Something about the discipline, the structure, the focus it took to transform myself—it all changed me, too. I started posting on social media, sharing my progress. And damn, the attention rolled in. Now I’ve got more hot guys sliding into my DMs than I can keep track of.

But here’s the thing—I’ve learned a lot about how to treat people, about how to navigate relationships. I’m not the boy-obsessive heartbreaker I used to be. That’s made the best ones—the guys who actually matter—want me even more.

Honestly? I’ve never felt more in control, more confident, or more like me.

---

That brings me to today. I just got an email telling me to check the messages on this old Tumblr account, one I’d almost forgotten I even had. It was from Liam.

I was surprised to see his name pop up after all these years. Part of me wondered what he wanted, but honestly? I didn’t even read it. And I’m definitely not going to respond. Why would I?

So consider this post my way of signing off for good. I’ve learned my lesson—I know better than to mess around on those forums ever again.

Besides, look at me now. I’m hot as fuck. Why would I ever want to be anyone but me?

[moonperil6]

can u do some cute and hot solangelo hc?

Yes!

-Just try and convince me that this is not one of the best ships ever.

-I mean- sunshine and darkness? Golden retriever and black cat? Hello?

-So yeah. You probably didn’t need me to tell you any of that, but too bad.

-Actual headcanons! 

-You cannot tell me that Will doesn’t pull the “Doctor’s orders” on Nico all the time.

-Sad? Depressed? Moppy as always? It’s Will’s orders to go snuggle with him.

-Oh, and listen to his playlist.

-Will has a playlist dedicated to Nico, with like, seven hundred songs on it. 

-All of which seem to have something to do with death in them.

-Hey, Will can listen to some dark songs if he thinks that his boyfriend will like them.

-One of the reasons I love this ship is because neither of them are that oblivious.

-I think we can all agree that Percabeth was so frustrating, because Annabeth clearly liked him, and Percy’s just acting dumb, and-

-Ima stop myself there, or else I’ll have to call this a Percabeth ranting headcanon.

-But it’s true. SolAngelo is cute because they are aware of their emotions.

-Like I can just imagine one of their conversations being like, “you know I love you.” “Yeah. And?” “And I would like to announce it right now, so everyone will know it.” “That’s all? I think the whole camp already knows, by the way.”

-So in the books, we all know that Nico hates physical touch.

-And I would like to think that his only exception is Will. Half of the time.

-When Will gets the, ‘I don’t want you to touch me’ vibe from Nico, he’ll resort to other ways of showing his affection.

-Like through his words!

-Will loves to call Nico names like, “My little angry ball of darkness.”

-When Will calls him that, Nico feels obligated to call him a bitch, but it comes out as, “Amore mio (my love),” “Mio caro (my dear),” and Will’s personal favorite, once he figured out what Nico was saying in italian, “luce del sole (sunshine).”

-Well!

-That’s all I have for now, but if you would like a part 2, I will gladly write it!

[curiousoh-randomfandoms]

I hate to dogpile but yeah. The point of fandom isn't to create product, you can potentially go to work for that. (And thus capitalism has no place in fandom except in the way that it effects the community members IRL that makes it difficult to fandom how they want to. Because real life interferes unfortunately with creating art despite how necessary it is to live.)

And I say this as someone who's had a 4 year period where I literally was too physically disabled to create art the way that I had.

I found another way because I had to. To freaking survive this hellscape. Making stuff was literally the only way that I held on.

And same deal when I was freaking out of my house trying to hustle and be able to afford the basics around 16-20 hours a day, more than 5 days a week. I was engaging (obviously not as much) because it was necessary to my survival at the time. I needed art and community and just a break from trying to get by.

It's about the art. Sharing the work is about community building. There literally wouldn't be any reason to share the work, in fandom without the community. You would just keep it to yourself. You can't make bank on other's IPs and because of that True Fandom isn't and can't be commercialized.

It is 100% that beautiful horrible desire for connection and understanding and community that drives you to share the work. I was writing stories by myself for around 5 years before I had anyone who actually was willing to read it. That didn't mean I wasn't trying. I was in fandom before internet, before finding that connection was easy. I was in a fandom of like 3 people pre-internet. Because that's how many people I knew were into the thing. Obv. in internet times that number got a lot bigger.

But yeah it's about sharing your weird little brain worms and infecting others and being like, isn't this insane and wonderful and horrible.

Genuinely A.I. has no place in fandom. You might consider that ableist as hell. But I am a working artist who's had chronic pain of around 30 years so I don't give a fuck about that. It is ableist. A.I. generation is literally ableist. It's built on the labor of disabled folks.

The majority of working artists I happen to know (And I know I lot because I travel for work and engage in that community building. There are people who I met the first time I was attempting to sell my art who wanted to sell art who I have now met at events trying their dreams.) are disabled in some way. Literally like 90% of them.

I have friends who have M.S., POTS, arthritis bad enough they have those poor hands that are just stuck, ND, mental health problems, vision issues and wheelchairs etc. And the main victims of the A.I. crap, the work that they stole without compensation are those artists.

Trying to monetize art is an act of desperation. Yeah it can certainly be about ego but the majority of artists are not financially comfortable with family trusts to fall back on. The majority of artists I know and have met, started trying to make money with the crap they made in their spare time because they literally couldn't afford to live. And other avenues make them potentially too rich that they don't qualify for the medical help required to allow them to keep living in the level of health most possible, yet that richness cannot afford the maintenance to keep them alive with their conditions.

I am so sick of this A.I. Tech Bro argument that it's somehow ableist to expect art made by humans. To want human expression to be the primary art in the world.

And yeah I had friends who had been living a financially free life where they could afford to maintain their conditions and were actually doing insane things like beginning to have savings, that literally could no longer in a Post A.I. generation mainstreaming world.

I don't fault folks for using A.I. as assistive tools for things like grammar, or potentially translation although both of those have been such a wonderful community building cornerstone of fandom... and we really should not be seeking perfection in our art that's just for us, that's made out of love, out of need to express ourselves etc. Because I get that it is hella hard to find wonderful folks that want to translate out of love or beta because they see the potential in your work and just want to make it sing. And as is often the case, even more in this terminally online world. The act of creation is solitary at first. It takes a while to build some community.

But man, I absolute hate to see the individuality scraped out of stuff. To see people stagnate because their work isn't changing with them because they are no longer the primary architects of that work. We are ever changing and it is beautiful. It is amazing the way that my work changed when I was physically unable to work the way I could. It literally made my work so much better, I explored stuff that I wouldn't have otherwise. And it will continue to enrich my work for the rest of my life.

And A.I. just middle of the roads you. It doesn't keep your little idiosynchronisies and lexicon that's a beautiful microcosm of all of the beautiful people who you've loved and left the mark on. It doesn't understand the iconography of the media you've consumed that it then colored by your experience, color sense and cultural background. By the time period you happened to have lived. It just removes you.

And fandom, as all the best community building is... it's about who you are, what you do and who you love.... who you hate even. How you move or cannot move in this world. It's about yearning even maybe and the passion to do a thing even though it does not benefit you outside of this weird little community. And the benefits are simply being known. Sharing a little piece of yourself while you consume and love and encourage others who are sharing a little bit of themselves too.

My point is that it is about love. And as of yet, there isn't a computer that can do that right, yet.

just saw a fanfic on ao3 have a dedication for chatgpt... that section is meant for your horny perverted mutual who proofread your work, you violated sacred law and you will be torn apart and laid bare btw

[enriquemzn262]

Talking about anime, time to mention the shows I’m watching this season:

Dandadan

I remember trying the manga when it first came out, dropped it after the second chapter since I fucking hate high school shit, but the anime looked well animated and the intro kicks ass, so I gave it a second chance and hooooly shit, it’s really fucking good! The start is indeed sloppy, but once aliens and spirits make their debut, it’s all uphill from there!

Great animation, characters and fight scenes galore, plus a surprisingly heartfelt and tragic story in the seventh episode, 10/10 so far!

Ranma 1/2

I grew up with the OG series, so it holds a special place in my heart, and man if the remake hasn’t disappointed me in the slightest! Great animation, amazing music, the characters feel even more charming than before, and even Akane got toned down from her bitchy self I still clearly remember from way back when.

Apparently the adaptation is much closet to the manga than the OG series, hence why it has faster pacing and somewhat more mellowed characters, and after reading that that means that piece of shit happosai is no longer becoming a recurring nightmare, I can honestly say I’m even more excited for this one !

Dragon Ball Daima

I’m latino, if I don’t watch this I’ll be banned from ever enjoying arepas again… Naw, I’ve been watching Dragon Ball for basically all my life, so of course I have to watch this one, plus OG DB was always my favorite, and this one truly captures the essence of that story!

Also, since its kid Goku again, his stupidity, which Super turned up to 11 for no good reason, finally makes in-universe sense, so that’s another plus!

TsumaSho

What everyone, myself included, wrote off as yet another ultra degenerate anime, this time about a dead wife reincarnating as a 10-year okd child, turned out to be quite the wholesome, if ultimately tragic (especially after the last episode ) series about a broken family of a dad and an adult daughter slowly recovering from 10 years of grief and darkness after the said death wife AND mother comes back and basically tells them “time to get your shit together you stupid idiots”, which, they do.

The mom character is the best, as while she’s reconnecting with her old family, she has to deal with her new one in the form of a broken divorced mom who keeps unintentionally hurting her, all because her own home life was a living nightmare, while her love life is nothing but betrayals.

It sorta reminds me of the weird telenovelas I used to watch at a friend’s house, but in a good way, don’t let the weird premise drive you off, it is not perverted in the slightest!

And that’s about it! I tried another anime about a slime girl, dropped it one episode in (I didn’t like its humor), then another about a sentient robot arm thing, dropped it after the third episode (mainly because the tone was all over the place), and another about the fan of a magical girl accidentally becoming evil, kinda like THAT degenerate anime from the beginning of the year, only not degenerate, gave it a try because of that, turned out to be the most boring shit I’ve ever watched in a long while.

Honestly, this season has been weak in terms of number of good shows, but man the ones that are actually good are FANTASTIC!

[aroaceleovaldez]

you're like the first blog i thought about ranting on this to but it drives me up the wall that some people treat any criticism aimed at tsats2 as being anti-ship or avoidable via just "not reading it". i dont think they realize that we're talking about a bigger issue of soulless commercialization and heavy quality downgrade of a franchise, not like. about an indie author publishing a fan book lmao

'i'll read it anyways haters gonna hate' crowd likely largely funding richard's mediocrity is sad.

I think part of it may have to do with a.) a lack of distinction in recent fandom culture between "Fandom" and "Audience" (alongside other recent fandom culture attitudes as well) and b.) so much of Rick's brand is built up exactly on parasocial behavior that a lot of fans get caught up in it. [under cut cause this got long:]

Re: The first, more recent fandom culture tends to treat "Fandom" and "General audience" as wholly equivocal. Because of this, the concepts tend to bleed into each other in a way we haven't quite seen before fandom became mainstream, and as a result we get a kind of Worst Of Both Worlds situation - a bunch of very passionate fans who have no community, create little to no fanworks themselves (only consume), and only engage at a surface level with the source material. Their only "fandom" community hub is the source material and official social media and they don't have a concept of how to exist outside it, unlike folks who are more used to older fandom culture and are self-sufficient. They have the passion and identity of classic fandom, but none of the depth, and so threats to the source material feel like threats to their community as a whole. They also just don't seem to understand that different subsections of the deeper fandom community are engaging with the material on an entirely different level, or they don't understand why they're doing that. They see no need to because they're never actually engaging with the community or source material beyond a surface level. Functionally they don't have a community. And mainstream media is actively encouraging this because it's profitable for them - they're reaping all of the rewards of fandom, minus the fact that because of the lack of actually community and support structures the entire "fandom" will only have a shelf life the same length of the source material. But at the same time this means they don't have to worry about quality or etc, because this extremely passionate side of their audience will just take anything thrown at them and it'll phase out almost immediately. It doesn't need to be good, it just needs to elicit some kind of reaction on social media. Any publicity is good publicity type stuff.

This lack of true community plus the parasocial emphasis the RR company has tends to make these types of fans double-down. Rick and co. are explicitly advertised as being both part of the "community" and integral to it. And when they've built Rick (and co) up as this moral paragon critical to both part of their identity they're very passionate about and what little of a community they have, any attack on him feels like an attack on themself. Particularly when so much of the publicity and marketing surrounding Rick right now is about his alleged activism when a lot of the criticism about him and the series is actively calling that into question with his unaddressed internalized bigotries. Acknowledging that what Rick is saying and promoting himself as versus his writing and actions don't always line up and pointing out the bigotry present in his work forces people to acknowledge and think about performative activism, which can make a lot of people very uncomfortable! It's forcing them to acknowledge "Oh, even if I'm saying all the right words and calling myself an ally, I am not immune to being bigoted if I don't address my internalized biases. My actual behavior matters." and that especially can feel like a personal attack. Especially in today's western landscape of media consumption being viewed as a moral act in itself.

I suspect this is why a lot of the retaliation against criticism of Rick and the franchise right now is "Why can't you just have FUN? You're just trying to hate for views. Don't take it so seriously! It's not that deep!" - they not only have no interest in engaging deeper in the material, but don't understand why others would, and doing so jeopardizes the foundations of what they consider the fandom. They can't fathom anybody legitimately having these criticisms (particularly not anybody who would ACTUALLY consider themself a "fan" - because their perception of "fan" is themself) because they're so resistant to digging deeper into the media/source material or the concept that anyone would for any legitimate reason (because as long as they keep it as "it's not that deep!!! it's just fun! just enjoy it you wet blanket!!!!" and take things at their word, they can feel secure in that performative aspect and not have to unpack it), and acknowledging that those criticisms exist and are valid means they have to acknowledge the franchise is flawed and imperfect, so they presume the claims are entirely superficial and the individual has ulterior motives rather than, yknow, doing what fandom does: diving deeper.

[bloodmoon24]

Hello. Hope I am not a bother to you by ANY means whatsoever, but I just came here to vent about some vivzie stuff that is just so bothersome to me that I need to let it out. Just a heads-up for that the main trigger warning in this topic is about misogyny and sexual abuse/assault/rape.

I've been a Vivziepop fan as long as I can remember--I loved her webcomic Zoophobia along with her other works that I've always been familiar with. She was my favorite artist and she has always been an inspiration for me.

However, when it came to being one of her many beloved fans, you can't IMAGINE on what I had to witness in terms of the sheer amount of hatred that has been spat at Vivienne. Especially when it came down to her releasing Helluva Boss and Hazbin Hotel--and the amount of things "critics"/antis say about her is just downright insane and unreal.

During these past few weeks, after someone had leaked s2 of HH, all of the antis and critics watched it and began to ridicule Vivzie, saying that they lost hope and it has lost redeeming qualities of the show; including being so straight up hating her to the point that it feels like I was reading a blog of a person who was sexist to women publically. It honestly blows my mind completely that this is how people treat creators and their shows SO disrespectfully that it is just straight up hate. Not to mention the takes these antis have about Vivzie that is SUPER stupid.

Mind you, Vivziepop is a bisexual Latin-American woman--while I, myself, am a nonbinary (AFAB) mixed PoC fan. And the way antis are like "Hellaverse is racist/sexist/lgbtq-phobic!!" makes me SO made cuz they are erasing the fact that it was MADE by a woman who is a part of the queer community who is WoC. So saying that Hellaverse is an oppressive/prejudice show is WAAAAAY out of proportion.

Also, I still remember how after "Masquerade" was shown along with Stolas being revealed he is a victim of spousal/domestic abuse, a lot of people (and by people I mean antis/critics) were all hating on Angel Dust and Stolas and saying that Vivzie fetishicizes rape/abuse. But for Angel Dust, it was because he's "not an actual victim of SA" because he's a sex worker and because he's hypersexual along with other things; while people defend Stella (the abuser) and say Stolas deserves his abuse because he cheated on Stella. And I cannot tell you how much I had to force myself as to NOT throw up by this statement.

I am a victim of SA because of an ex-girlfriend and also my cousin's boyfriend forced himself on me; my dad divorced my ""mom"" because she would constantly beat him and verbally scream at him--a related mention, too, that my younger siblings are the results of my "egg donor" forcing herself on my dad (I love my siblings VERY much--and I only think of them as JUST my siblings and not by-products of rape). My best friend, Aaron, was assaulted by an older boy in a psychiatrict hospital. And I know other friends of mine who are hypersexual due to various reasons--with one of them being from sexual trauma.

It sickens me a lot that ppl can SAY stuff like that--when, a while back, Vivziepop LITERALLY stated she was a victim of abuse in a tweet of hers. And after the fourth episode of HH, Sam Haft (the guy who created our favorite music) also revealed, too, he is a victim. Many people, victims of assualt/rape, cope with their trauma in many ways--but it boggles me how others of SA will hate on other SA victims because of the way they cope differently than others. We all have different stories and different ways to comfort ourselves.

On a related topic, too, but it also just frustrates me that when Vivzie takes on the topic of abuse, its apparently "romanticizing" and "fetishicizing" when its LITERALLY not and she took this topic seriously. Also, as a reminder, but Family Guy did the same topic on this, too, but it was half-assed and victim-blamed. In the episode "Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q.", it was about Quagmire finding out his sister was being abused by her boyfriend--however, when the main cast came to confront about how Jeff (the abusive boyfriend) was beating her, they said that it was HER fault she was getting abused. But did this episode receive backlash? Only little. But this honestly JUST says a lot about how treat creators--female and male. If Vivziepop was a dude, it would've been different.

Not to mention, too, that when I was seeing a bunch of hate to Helluva Boss, they were all blaming Vivziepop. Just Vivziepop, Vivziepop, Vivziepop EVERYWHERE. But what about Brandon Rogers, a gay PoC man who LITERALLY wrote Helluva Boss AND created Stolas, does HE receive hate?? Nope, just Vivzie. Its just misogyny--when a man does edgy jokes (and saying language that contains LOTS of cursing/swearing) its cool and funny, but when a woman does it she's being uncool and unfunny.

Whoof. Sorry about giving you a wall of text, I REALLY needed to let this out due to all of the hate I was seeing about Vivziepop after the season 2 leak. And feel free to add your two cents into this.

I’ve been getting a lot of rants in my askbox, don’t worry. And I agree with you 100%, and it’s fucking ridiculous on how society acts like this

[n0chanxes]

A careful gaze was cast towards the door, to those rustling winds, the greying sky as the canopy closed off so much light. One slow blink brought thoughtful eyes to the guardian with pressed lips and a slightly, barely knit brow.

"Namu, you..." The Sage took in and let out a slow, deep breath, head giving a gentle, chiming shake.

"You can't... put that on yourself....It's..." Brows knit a little more as he stood and went closer to the other, leaning against the wall at Namu's side, across crossed as he looked outside. A soft, tender, almost trilling sound left the little Nir, and forest greens flicked down in time to see the younge one nuzzle a touch closer to the young guardian.

"Its not your job to... read minds. Hell, its not even the Sages' jobs to do that.You know just as well as me that the forests are... wildly vast, and see so many countless beings come and go. We.. can't predict what all of those beings will do, nor can we take responisiblity for their actions, the pain they spread, or the hate in their hearts." A small pause came as Solaris looked down at his hand, a small, white-petaled flower sprouting from the vines that ran along his arm.

"Being a Sage means I'm connected to each forest, every part of it, in every realm, some of which are much more...." Lips pressed again, and when the right word finally popped into his head, it puffed out in a breathy chuckle. ".. Hostile than even the Earthen realm. If I blamed myself for the actions of those with darker hearts I.. I'd drive myself insane.. Almost have, a couple of times, actually.." The blonde paused for a half second, licking over lips that'd dried at the hint of those memories alone.

"Caivni, Sages, guardians... We're not mind-readers. That's not our purpose. And this isn't to say that you're not allowed to feel, to greive and mourn, to feel guilt and despair when things happen... But at our core, we're healers, Nam.. So let yourself feel, but don't let that despair hold you back from the healing you can do..." And here he paused just once more, nodding towards the young Nir sat in his friend's lap and curled up against him.

"Or the healing you've already done"

The more that Namu heard and listened, the more his mood shifted. A breeze outside seemed to blow a little harder, the sun dipping behind a cloud or two, or was it the branches reaching to block it out? Namu couldn't be sure and he wouldn't have the sense to question it because instead, he was too focused on this little one, curled closer by the second, power growing by the moment and yet feeling so vulnerable in his arms too.

He'd heard a mixture of stories in his childhood, different myths that, now he thought about it, all pieced together to paint a very similar story to what Solaris was telling him. And oh, how it made his heart ache, and his anger grow, and his guilt too...

Guilt was unexpected, but also not a surprise. The Caivnir had been hurt in his forest, in the area he was supposed to protect. He had been hunted, hexed, almost killed in lands that Namu was supposed to guard. Was quite literally entirely alive only to do precisely that. It wasn't a job, it was his life. It was his purpose. His being. That was all he was for now, and yet he'd failed it. He'd failed it so painfully, painfully miserably.

"I'm not so sure he should trust me," Namu sighed softly, blinking back the sting of angry tears, head ducked a little so Solaris couldn't see them. But still, his touch was so gentle, so careful over the little fox...

"Not when I couldn't protect him from the one thing I was supposed to protect him from. The light fae will pay their dues for this, I assured him of that and I will promise it to you too, but god he... deserves better. So much better. I barely even know him, we barely spoke more than careful reassurances but I know from what I can feel, and what you've told me, that he deserves so much better than this rotten world."

[tsukasalover]

I can think of a lot of reasons why I like and have gotten attached to tsukasa more than any other fictional character and i think if i had to keep it simple (or else id be rambling for hours) id say

1. He’s so interesting. I usually pick up the extremely mischaracterized blonde characters anyways but he gets my brain working real hard. its almost 2am and i cant think straight but theres something about his duality that keeps me glued to him and the amount of Layers he has and how removing even one layer or completely ignoring how both his huge ego and kindness + selflessness coexist can really mess up your perception of him. There was something quite short i wrote about how both sides make him. Well. Him. back when his colofes dropped since i was so annoyed at the people Not getting it (while most never even read the STORIES 😁) anf ive been screaming this for a year now Please. Also the way his dream and being a good big brother go hand in hand have captured me. I really like fictional siblings and they fill something personal i miss and Looove looking at the roots of characters. Discovering where this and that and connecting events to what started their behaviors or helped their personality bloom. So seeing saki and toya play such an important role in his life keeps me HOOOKEDDD. I took the bait like tiny fish. Dont regret it. Never will. I like my fictional characters like layered cake. Thats basically how i see them. I had a yummy chocolate cake with so mant layers the other day 🤤 but anyways. I also really like when characters have to learn and grow as people after making really bad mistakes or being straight up assholes so it really took a while even after mainstory but once i got to see more of him with saki and read dazzling i was like. This is the guyyy. Youre mine now lets go. I dont like perfect characters but.. you see.. when characters who have (sometimes way too much) confidence and are dramatic yet are shown to truly be good people who enjoy making others happy… alright.. now im listening… Sign me up…

But really he has almost everything I’ve ever looked for in a character. Starting with the fact that he’s a theatre kid. And blonde. Of course emu nene and rui + more fictional characters have made their way into my heart and ive gotten attached to them on very Very personal levels but when it comes to this Idiot who wants to be a star and reminds me of a dog its something that i dont even know how to explain sometimes. Why is he here? What are you doing inside of my head. Ill never have one solid answer because he takes up too much space in my mind and i become incoherent too often when talking about him.

2. Ignoring my first answer, He is ugly. My favorite punching bag. Cartoon character. Begins floating when he smells pie. I dont know anymore

3. he just like me fr (Which is terrible i dont like that)

[queenplatinumpaz2012]

“My dad was apparently a one night she had at age nineteen. I like to joke that I was meant to be swallowed sometimes but she hates it, says I’m too young for jokes like that or whatever. Apparently she and Martha Pines were, like, pregnant together or something. She said I actually knew Dipper and Mabel back when I was three and below but, like, don’t remember or something. I don’t know.”

She shrugs.

“But I mean, hey. I love my mom… even if she’s kind of a bitch sometimes- pardon my language- I still care about her a lot… I always hear my friends complain about their parents and say they hate them, and they always expect me to do the same, but I just can’t bring myself to… even if she didn’t really raise me all that well. If she’s better than her own dad then, hey, I’ll take it.

…

“Ugh, sorry I- I’m totally rambling, this is probably so annoying…”

Like, why do you look like me and who wears a bow like that? What are you, obsessed with me? As if, copycat! There’s only one Pacifica and it’s ME, I don’t need a doppelgänger unless she’s good at dressing herself!

-@queenplatinumpaz2012

"... well that's rude" she pouted "I'm Pacifica too! I'm sorry if you didn't mean to end up in the interdimensional wibbly-wobbly part of this site, but there's no need to be so defensive! Here, about about you take this, calm down, and we start over?" She was offering her bubblegum, a completely genuine smile on her face

[necrotic-nephilim]

Sorry if this might be a rude question but why don’t you just make a seperate account for your nsfw fics?

not rude, it's a valid question! tbh it's a combination of a couple reasons.

i started posting anonymous dead dove batcest fics long before i had the balls to make a tumblr. at first i was content to just leave them unassociated with each other because i didn't really care about them being tied to me. i made this blog to actually show solidarity to my partner who wanted to make a sideblog for Sandman comic stuff so we could cheerlead each other and be brave together, since i've wanted to make a batcest sideblog but i've been nervous about actually having to get it going. (mal ik you're reading this go be brave and actually make your blog so i can cheerlead you damnit-) only did it dawn on me then that i should probably mention the fics i've written on the blog after like, three of them were posted anonymously. and it would've annoyed me to have half of them anonymous and half of them not, because notifications for them would've gone in different places. i could go back and take my fics off anon if i wanted to, but i can't switch the account they're on without taking them down entirely and that'd fuck over people who have them bookmarked already.

which, ties into my second reason, if i made an entire second ao3 account it'd be harder for me to see notifications, reply to stuff, and post things for both accounts because i'd have to constantly switch. and honestly i'd be terrified of accidentally posting on the wrong one on a brain fog day. posting fics is always the most tedious part of writing them for me lol. it's easier for me to stay logged into one account and have all of my stuff in one place for me and just use the anonymous collection when i feel like it. if ao3 pseuds worked like tumblr blogs, where you can't see all my side blogs but i can, i would've used pseuds, but since you can see all pseuds on an ao3, i felt it was a moot point.

and the last reason is i just feel more comfortable being anonymous on ao3 because of the rise in anti culture. on tumblr it's very easy for me to just filter that out and find the people i want to follow and block the people i don't. i don't mind getting hate, on tumblr or on ao3. but i think, for whatever reason you want to blame it on, there's been a massive boom of antis on ao3 who are very entitled about how they read on ao3. i tag extensively, but i just feel safer from getting targeted attacks if everything i write on ao3 isn't attached to one profile. if people like a fic i wrote, want to find more i always link my tumblr in the notes, but if an anti wants to get huffy with me, they can't easily track down my other things. they definitely could if they wanted to, but being anonymous on ao3 just makes me feel more secluded, in a weird way. it's like saying "if you want you can come find me but on here i'm just a weird faceless guy throwing stuff in the void". i've used ao3's anon feature a lot, actually, i used to be a hydra trash party dumpster kid back when that was in it's prime.

i also used to be vaguely popular on a different tumblr blog and my main ao3 and while i think it'd definitely be cool if i got a decent chunk of followers on this blog too, i don't really miss having fanfiction do so well i got targetted hate on all of my fics from the same people, i had my fics stolen, etc. it was really exhausting for me. i have 120+ works on ao3, not counting what's anonymous, and that level of exposure tires me, even when i use my main ao3 to post things that aren't trashy. it's just a weird feeling knowing so many people are subscribed to you on ao3 and what if you post something they won't like because you jumped fandoms again, or you're posting something niche, or you don't think it fills enough fandom tropes to be well-liked. i used to obsessively think like that, and it made me not write the things i wanted to because i cared about numbers. and i don't want to slide back into that hole. writing on anonymous is mostly to remind myself i wrote this for me, and if other people like it, they can come find me, but i don't have to perform like that anymore. if i get a really weird fucked up idea, i can write the really weird fucked up idea. at the end of the day, just makes me more comfortable! but i get it's a super confusing set up from an outsider perspective so, i really don't mind the question, thank you for asking!!

[outlying-hyppocrate]

i have officially returned. ask me anything.

[bookshelfdreams]

aaaaah no i saw another "Izzy can't be homophobic you idiot I headcanon him as gay and anyway, he's right to hate Stede for being soft and inexperienced and rich" post send help (ik all of this has been said before and better, I just need to get it out of my system)

First of all, Izzy is a white and maybe not straight but definitely traditionally masculine man in a society where racism/sexism/homophobia/associated bigotry exist. Okay? Okay. These things exist in the ofmd universe, there's no arguing that away. It therefore stands to reason that Izzy, who grew up in that environment, harbours homophobic sentiments, because it is literally impossible to avoid that.

Detesting Stede for being effeminate and gnc is homophobia. Plain and simple. That's the core of homophobia. It's not about who someone finds attractive in their heart, it's about doing gender wrong. It's not so much about who you have sex with, but how you're doing it.

(And this is what Izzy and Calico Jack and the Badmintons and everone who ever bullied him hate about him. It's not that he's upper class. It's not that he's rich. It's this.)

Homophobia and the patriarchy go hand in hand. Under patriarchy, anything masculine is good and superior and anything feminine is weak and detestable. A good man, a proper man is defined by what he isn't (=not ever feminine), and any association with femininity is degrading. This is why Stede is called a woman (derogatory) by people who are perfectly aware he is a guy, why he's called Baby Bonnet: Both these things say You are not a real man. Does anyone who hurls abuse at him think he's gay? Who knows! It's well known he's married and has children, for fuck's sake! But it doesn't matter what's in Stede's heart, it matters how he behaves, how he speaks and carries himself, his interests, his inability to fit it.

Why do you think he's called fat when he isn't as an adult and wasn't as a child? It's the same thing, it's not logical, just a way for people to express their vague discomfort with him in the most hurtful way possible.

The way Izzy talks about him and the way the Badmintons talk about him parallel each other and that's not a coincidence. Izzy talks about Stede as having "done something" to Ed's "brain", Chauncey Badminton says he "ruined" Ed, that he's "not human" and a "monster". This is the exact violent, dehumanizing rhetoric that has forever been flung at gnc gay men, effeminacy as a corrupting, contagious influence, good upstanding manly men being seduced (hah!) into the Gay Lifestyle. You're not a person, you're a disease.

Fop and ponce may be old fashioned but they are also homophobic slurs.

Izzy doesn't detest the upper class. He has no trouble at all weaponizing his whiteness against Ed when he sends the English after him, when he attempts to buy Ed for himself with Stede's life. Izzy can fit into that world well enough to use it for his own gain as long as it will let him, and sure, he'll be crushed as soon as he's no longer useful but that doesn't stop him from aligning himself with the literal enemy, does it? That's what makes Izzy a class traitor (derogatory) btw, and why analysis that tries to paint him as "just a working class guy who hates the rich" a little silly.

("We're not bigots we are just ordinary salt-of-the-earth working class guys who hate the out of touch liberal elite and anyway, they're all perverts" hmmm, where have I heard this before?)

It's baffling to me that people watch this show and genuinely think "Izzy isn't homophobic, he just hates Stede because he's rich" is a good argument like??? Who expresses this exact sentiment in the show????

Look. I know where this comes from. I too read Izzy as queer. But queer people are perfectly capable of being homophobic towards each other.

Izzy can accept Ed having sex with men who are not him. He's fine with that, and sure, that seems to be proof that He can't be homophobic! at first glance. But, under patriarchy, not liking women sexually is - well, maybe not ideal but under certain circumstances acceptable (after all, under patriarchy, not liking women is perfectly reasonable and encouraged, so it's not a huge leap). But what is not acceptable, what needs to be violently suppressed at all costs, is men being insufficiently masculine.

Which is what Izzy detests about Stede, and what he attacks Ed for in ep10. And this is homophobia in a nutshell.

[narbevoguel]

Discontent

You create from discontent. Most of your life has been spent being uncomfortable in your own skin. This body is just another house that's never felt like home. You don't know how to be at ease in this world or this life. Art is a way of running away, of forgetting yourself and escaping to a more comfortable place. To cope with an unhospitable reality, you create more welcoming worlds to consume your work and your waking hours. But the foundation of your art has always been your discontent with the real world and your life within it. Lurking behind the inviting scenery you dream of is the desperate desire to be anywhere but here. It is a world constructed as a respite from this one. Such vivid fantasies are the dream of one who considers reality a prison.

I just found this quiz and it’s, phenomenal

[bunnihearted]

i cant fully control my emotions during a breakdown and then i come out of it and im like oh fuck........ ._.

[corpseaten]

sorry little rant here you can ignore i will NEVER understand yanderes that have more than one darling because…are you. serious. like i dont care what you label yourself as but you are not a yandere? i feel like people have taken the term and just ran with it to the point anything can be a yandere. like you do realise a yandere has one darling and they dont care about anything else in the world besides them right. having more than one makes you. not. a yandere. Like you can call yourself obsessive and stuff but you do not fit the category of a yandere.

[selfinflictedgunshotwound]

sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible