#WHY DO I FEEL LIKE IVE LITERALLY DONE THIS BEFORE.
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You know I've been meaning to ask.. is everything okay? I mean your pfp is blank. I understand you're uploading, but I also want to make sure you're okay
idk if i have some mental connection with you, anon, because how else i can explain that you sent this ask right when i felt so bad??? but yeah i should really put a pfp, i just can’t choose the right pic and at same time im lazy….
honestly i promised myself i wouldn’t vent online and irl because i don’t wanna be annoying or be the kind of person people get tired of. but i guess i just feel emotional rn sorry again
well 2025 kinda kicked me in the face already LMAO, it already reminded me that some people will always pick someone else and some things are just not meant to be yours. i just got reminded once again that i’m super replaceable to person i really loved and cared about. so now im realising that i was just there to pass the time until they found smth better, someone better. and they did, they did and that’s just unfair for me, i literally loved this person for 10 years and that's how i ended up
not exactly the fresh start i was hoping for lol
been feeling like a ghost in my own life lately so i guess i made this blog to just be somewhere, to talk to people, to share things i love, to feel like i exist in some small way. to find friends? idk. sometimes i wonder if i’m just taking up space here, but deleting this blog feels dramatic so whatever. although i thought bout this a lot and still think about it, but i guess im just being... yeah, dramatic, i mean i am, ive been told. so, i don't know, deleting feels rude ? and i don’t wanna be rude, i hate being rude :( i still hesitate every time i post though. and i don’t want to be that person who craves reassurance but damn, it gets lonely and im embarrassed to even say that rn
+ last year drained me so much that i couldn’t even start anything for a whole month. its about my work, i just felt stuck, exhausted before i even tried. things are getting better now with my work, though. it’s actually tied to people and honestly, i love that?? i mean, i love people very much. in general. so whenever i meet someone kind or understanding in my work, it lifts my mood
but when it comes to writing or fics, i feel like i’m always fighting myself. actually i enjoy writing, ive been writing since… 14? 13? so i try, i push through, but nothing ever feels right lately. i don’t know if it’s just a phase or if this is how it’s always going to be. why i always feel like i could’ve done better or that maybe i shouldn’t have posted at all
anyways���.. i don’t usually post stuff like this. i really don’t want to be like this, i hate sounding so negative, i really do. i promised myself i wouldn’t. i usually just keep things to myself, but you seemed like you genuinely cared, sweetheart and i figured i might as well be honest, i appreciate your worry! thank u sm angel! ♡
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🍷<3
#when i got hashtag sick i was in hospital and i was doing my regularly scheduled call with my dad#and i really had no plans of telling him bc ive done that before and its not like he can scare the MS away or anything#i dont know what happened. maybe because it was such a fucking bad episode. maybe because i was so tired. maybe it was a secret 3rd thing#but one minute was like fine then i just burst into tears and i was crying so hard which is MEGA EW BC IM NOT A CRIER LIKE THAT#and my dad freaked out and he was like whats wrong and i didnt wanna tell him but I also sounded insane bc i spontaneously started sobbing#and he was getting more alarmed and i was upset that id upset him and so i just spat it out i was like 'listen king'#'its no biggie but my body is trying to kill me again and im just a little sad atm' and he replied 'baba why wouldnt you tell me?'#and this man who has a very big serious job literally dropped everything and took a 20 hr flight over#and he genuinely just grabbed one of his work suitcase because he showed up with nothing but dress shirts and his laptop#and i think maybe it healed me a little. i mean it def also made me sad too but mostly healed me#and he'd been here for a couple of weeks and he left today and i feel shit about being sad about it#again because he has a very big and very serious job and i genuinely dont understand how he even just showed up like that#so I felt guilty throughout#anyway i dont think he drinks anymore but i was like king have a sip of wine with me and he did and it was lovely#and I hope I become my fathers daughter and not my mother's child. praying to both our gods#heres to healing ❤️🩹
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killing people who don’t get an animals consent before touching them &/or ignore when animals are visibly uncomfortable with being touched.
#MOTHERS FRIEND DOING THIS WITH OUR CAT RN IM PISSED.#SHE DIDNT EVEN GIVE TOFU ANY TIME TO SNIFF OR ANYTHING??#Sigh.#tofu came downstairs to see what was up bc person was in the house#But person just immediately started petting her#even tho tofu was visibly uncomfortable and clearly just wanted a sniff test or sm#went to my room asap after that and tofu followed quick on my heels#obvs I let her sniff as much as she wants before petting her (if she even wants fuss) so she had a sniff and very much seemed to want fuss#so I gave her a few strokes and then sorta checked in and she swirled around and bumped her head into my hand (all the while her tail was#pointed straight up with the tip quivering a little every few moments - a sign of happiness/excitement to see a familiar person)#so we had cuddles for a bit until she hopped off my chest to go get water or sm :3#BUT I DONT GET WHY MORE PEOPLE DONT HAVE SIMPLE WHOLESOME INTERACTION WITH THEIR CAT LIKE THIS??#LIKE. CATS ARE SENTIENT. THEY SEEK AUTONOMY - ESPECIALLY BODILY AUTONOMY. WHY TF WOULD YOU NOT LET THEM GIVE/DENY CONSENT??#like. if you aren’t willing to learn enough about an animal to understand when it’s unhappy at the very least *why* would you interact with#one?? (This person literally has a cat as well.)#idk man these are the same sorts of people that’d probably do the ‘awww just give me a hug! I’m your auntie(/whatever)! why can’t i have a#hug? 🥺’ sorta thing.. like. BRO. It isn’t my/the cat ‘s fucking job to regulate/look after your own grown ass feelings.#SIGH..#just. The fact this person has like.. met tofu once. Lived in the same house as her for maybe 4/5 days one time and thinks the cat is#obligated to put up with her or whatever.#(This is how I imagine people be acting around cats when they’re like ‘idk man cats just don’t like me! Cats are just independent by nature#I’m just stood there having to listen to them shit talk a whole species bc they don’t understand consent (or at least don’t universally#value it - eg; with children; with animals) ANYWAYS. CATS ARE A SOCIAL SPECIES WHO HAVE DEVELOPED TO LIVE CLOSELY WITH AND DEPEND ON HUMANS#THEYRE OFTEN VERY AFFECTIONATE AND LOVING AND FORM LASTING RELATIONSHIPS WITH THEIR HUMANS AND WILL MOURN THEIR DEATH PROBABLY MORE THAN#HALF OF THE HUMANS WHO ATTENDED THEIR FUNERAL.)#If tofu doesn’t like you I don’t like you mate. I am wholeheartedly willing to cut people off if they act wrong with my cat - like - BRO.#IVE KNOWN HER LONGER THAN I HAVE MOST OTHER PPL IN MY LIFE. SHES GOT ME THROUGH WORSE AND IS ALWAYS HAPPY N EXCITED TO SEE ME.#That cat has done more for me than you ever have! She loves me with her whole fucking soul and I her with mine. If she picks up the wrong#vibes from you/you break any of her clearly set boundaries we are DONE.#(Obvs /nbh - nobody here. & generally lighthearted but uhh yeah needed to rant abt this bc I care strongly abt it and other ppl should too)
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can someone tell me how to keep going if your hardwork does pay off but you don't feel anything when you achieve your goal just relief and numb again
#ive been having a bad week again since the exam ugh😭#im really really REALLY trying to study but a little head in my voice keeps saying what is even the point of working so hard#which is soooo ridiculous because it's bc i worked so hard that i got great marks#but like. i didn't feel happy like i thought would. i just felt like 'oh. okay. cool'#and then i just. didn't even have anyone around me to celebrate with#which is idk kinda dumb i guess it's just an online exam#but like see. there are technically total 8 exams to become. um to get my degree#and i just cleared 1 of them#like that was a full 100 marks paper i studied for of that level and i did it#ive just never done this before not since this course ive always scored JUST above passing (not counting the times#i literally failed twice lol)#so yeah anyway it is big for me. but why doesn't it feel like anything 😭😭😭#and why hasn't this motivated me to work harder😭😭😭#idk i thought i had gotten over the 'just do it. just do it!!! just. do. it.' phase i was getting so many things done#but it feels back to square one now#man that book about habits was so right don't have goals have habits because when you do achieve your goal#you'll be like well now what? and slip right back into bad habits again#that's exactly what happened#i used to think lol achieve my goal that's never gonna happen im a shit person and a failure#but like what the hell!!! i did!!! so now what😭😭😭#i think i need a hug#but ive never really hugged anyone except one person and she's 4 years away now#i think i need. my dad to tell me he's proud of me. but he's already forgotten about it so that's not gonna happen#man the day i stop craving external validation. it's over for yall#ugh yuck i used to hate the word validation it always sounded so desperate and needy and pathetic. guess it was just#another form of self loathing lol#im not even sad im like genuinely asking. im trying to solve it like a math problem. like does anyone have the answer
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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trying to decipher if the overwhelming dread & Thoughts are cause of the state of the world or cause i need a shower.
vent post in the tags. idk. do whatever 👍
#sorry bros im about to ventpost in these mf tags 👍#im so fucking tired man. im already suicidal to begin with but the Everything happening is making it Worse. Yippe Yahoo Hooray.#therapy in a week though so ive got that at least.#this is the worst time of year for shit to go south.but Uh Oh saying that makes me feel like a selfish fuckass because other people -#- have it worse. like. god fucking damn. i get Extra suicidal around september -> march range sure. but other people are literally suffering#like as we fucking speak. and ive done fuckall to help cause i dont know HOW to help. but thats not a fucking excuse#im just being comfortable in my lazy ass depression spiral cause im a selfish fucking prick. “i cant spare the energy to vett things”#other people are fucking dying and im over here like “noo im too tiwed :( i cant do anyfing so im not gona do anyfing cuz im wazy and tiwed”#what the fuck is wrong with me lmao. knowing me im not gona change shit anyway despite fucking complaining about it cause im just. fucking#Like That.#idk. i was reblogging some of those “hold in there dont kill yourselves” posts cause like. yk. suicide bad or fucking whatever. but someone#on this site said something along the lines of “ok but how many people reblogging/posting these told jews to kill themselves” and like.#i dont know. i dont fucking know dude. so i guess im not reblogging Those anymore.#theres bigger issues out there and here i am focusing on some queer people who might kill themselves. idk. i should just join them yk#cause i never fucking focus on the bigger shit cause “i dont know how” and “i dont want to make things worse so i just wont do anything” so#im not doing fuckall other than just being part of the fucking problem here.#i should probably just delete social media for a while and see from there.#or just fucking drink about it thats the other option. its worked for me before (lie) so i may as well do it again am i right#im sorry i never like. boost gofundmes or fundraisers and shit i just.#i dont have a fucking excuse. im just a lazy fucking bastard in my own stupid fucking comfort circle.#“oh no seeing that people are dying makes me uncomforyable :(” ok well people are fucking dying you self absorbed douchebag. why cant you#get off your stupid fucking ass and do something. get a job so you can fucking help people or *something#its not like you have to pay rent and shit.#<- all about myself. cause yk. self centered douchbag. hooray.#i dont pay rent and i dont have to pay for my own food. i still live with my parents. im fucking useless to society so i may as well get a#job and send the money i dont fucking need to somrone who DOES need it. but here i am.#in.my stupid fucking bed til noon cause “the world is scary and jobs are hard :(”#its fucking retail. retail isnt as fucking hard as like. construction and shit but here i am anyway “unable” to do shit.#i fucking could if i just fucking ballsed up and put up with shit. but no. here i fucking am going “nooo i should just kill myself instead”#vent post
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it's both a really good feeling and a really bad feeling to have the next three videos planned out and drafted, and the next four to six videos planned for after that...
like i'm glad to have a vision and all, but i'm staring down the barrel of a lot of work, and a path which i can't necessarily diverge from now
#IV#it feels episodic which i guess might be fun to watch!#this is kind of why i'd like to do one long video to get it all done with but that wouldn't allow me to be as detailed as i'd like to#what was supposed to be a quick interlude video has now evolved into a large video has now involved into three successive videos#that is going to be so much work but well it needs to be done and said and it's not gonna do itself#like there is a whole timeline of 'first this then that' which needs to happen IN ORDER#and it's annoying bc i'd like to do some videos on more specific topics but before i get these done i can't do those#because these topics are literally foundational to everything else i'll talk about ever#im just relieved that large video is done as i explained witcher's origins in fantastyka and why i dont like the netflix show LOL#because those things are probably the hardest to explain#everything else is like OK well we have a book series in front of us. read it lol
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Okay small rant time !!!!
#im literally losing my god damn mind#i went to get gas#and im pretty sure they have a card skimmer#it asked me for me pin twice and looked weird and inwas like huh#thats really weird#but was like eh whatever and then like 10 minutes later#i start getting attempted charges to my card for 175 dollars from the gas station#this is a gas station ive been using for a very long time and they never have beenna gas station to do holds on your card before#and also my actual gas purchase went through normally !#anyway i was already gone from the gas station at this point (and the inside would have been closed before i could get back anyway)#so i was like okay first im going to post to the group to warn people not to go there rn#then contact the appropriate people#so anyway i posted to the facebook group and it somehow seems like ive done something wrong !!#everyone is so angry!!#literally being like well did you try to fucking remove the device#and why arent you on the phone with the police RIGHT NOW#telling me that its probably juat a hold#and telling me not to say bad things about a business#when literally all i said was you might want to avoid going to this gas station right now because i think they have a skimmer#and stated exactly what happened to me to make me feel that way#anyway ive literally had to edit my post 5 times because people keep getting mad about different things#im so done !!!#never again !!!
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the more ive sat and thought about it the more dissatisfied i am with that doctor who finale
#spoilers in tags#but like. what was all that for then.#like on paper im not against how things turned out and what happened in empire of death etc#but it all feels so like... disconnected from everything else we got#on paper i have no issue with rubys mom being normal. but then why did you do all of that#being like 'har har ppl expect women to be extraordinary' when YOU DID THAT like thatd be fine commentary if you didnt do. all of that#like ppl werent expecting her to be super powerful and special Because Shes A Woman its bc YOU DID ALL OF THATTTT#anyway that said i liked the scenes w her birth mom and as an at-birth adoptee it felt very realistic. love you ruby#but im still so bothered by like.... everything else. I know its very run of the mill shitty deus ex machina rtd finale but like#hes done it better before. ?? hes done season-long mysteries that actually had weight and built to do something. what did this build to?#all of the mysteries meant genuinely nothing except for susan twist which i did enjoy her ending#i dunnooooo. im just baffled i guess. ive been trying to forgive the stilted weird dialogue and writing choices this season#thinking itd all amount to SOMETHING later on so itd be worth it. but uh. it has not really been worth it.....?#finale eps are easily among the worst of this (minuscule) season. ncuti is literally the only thing carrying this shit#anyway. good lord. i hope it gets better from here. and also the seasons get longer this was really rough.#txt
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me realizing that my ocs and story ideas Dont have to have a huge devastating elaborate plotline is whats going to heal me
#i feel like i always get stuck on the plot bit of my ocs#and i never get past that huge hole so i never get to designing#and all the other good stuff#bc i felt like the story needed to be perfect before i ever do anything#but like#first of all you dont have to be done with ur story immediy#immediately#that shit takes time and love#BUT ALSO#there Doesnt need to be a huge complicated and insane plotline#dont get me wrong i LOOVEEE to read/watch those kinds of stories#thats why i was in that mind space in the first place#but ive been realizing that i usually gravitate to creating softer and more feel-good stories#a couple months ago i was ranting to my bestie abt this idea#and i told him literally all i could think of for a magic system and the characters and their back doties#storiws#but then i lit told him like... im not rlly sure where to take it plot wise#and proceded to give a bunch of half hearted plot ideas#and instead im scrapping that and just making a group of scavengers eith no huge purpose rlly#IM FREE ohhh designingn these fuckers is gonna be so fun#id apologize for eanting here in the tags but this is my HOUSE#blabbering
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why does executive dysfunction need to hit it's hardest on the dead day of the class I'm failing, huh?
#just blahs#maybe small vent in the tags btw#ive been staring at this mostly empty doc for the past hour and even longer before this and i want to cry#i took a 3 hour nap in the hopes that maybe then id be less tired and its done nothing#i took a shower after said nap so maybe id feel better and be able to focus better#i asked a friend to tell me to do it so maybe THAT would help#but literally nothing has worked and im going to fail this class and my parents are gonna be upset because its such an easy class#itd just be silly and careless to fail it#i must just not care enough#but they dont get that I literally cannot do these assignments#literally all term i have been trying to do these and every time my brain just completely stops functioning#and ive only been able to do like 3 assignments all term#i hate it#why can't i just be normal and be able to actually work on things and not feel like im skinning myself every time i sit down to do homework
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hi update things are fucking terrible and my eyes hurt from sobbing. lol
#purrs#delete later#not to liveblog and be tmi or whatever but i feel terribly alone and terribly miserable so this is in fact a cry for help lol. or really#comfort bc im fucking going insane. so for context last spring when i was still an intern another intern orchestrated this back channel#where everyone was supposed to talk shit about our supervisors (my dearest most belovedest mentors) and all of us hid it for months and it#all came to a head at asb 2022 because there was a lot of drama witb the asb student facilitators and our staff team. and it was sooooo ugl#and messy and horrible and probably played a direct role in one of my dearest beloved est mentors (who was the point person for asb) fuckin#getting a new job and abandoning us in july lol 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃 and so i became a full time staff member and me and my remaining dearest belovedest#colleague besties fucking carried the world on oh r shoulders and put on amazing programs as just 3 of us in the core staff and we thought#we were doing a really good job with the asb 2023 leaders and that there were no drama dynamics or whatever and guess fucking what. tonight#we found out that half of them hate us for reasons we still don’t know and all of them are at each others throats and also some of the#participants feel a type of way about us. and i know i am being a fragile sensitive crybaby over it but i have had terrible cramps all day#and have barely slept since ive been here and feel like ive been bending over backwards to support the leaders only to find out that half o#them think we’re evil and i just… i couldn’t take it. so i cried and now im beating myself up for crying. but it’s like come ON. i know we#did a pretty imperfect job of preparing them for this. and i should just take responsibility for that and not be defensive. but it’s like…#have NEVER seen this program in person before or been part of the planning of it. i was just a student last year like all of you. and also#HOW many fucking times did we create space for you to talk to us and invite us in. and still this shit happened. and i just feel like a#failure. and i couldn’t react to that information in any way except cry liek it’s all so over my head and out of my depth and im not as#emotionally mature as my colleagues bc im the youngest and this is my first time dealing with this and i feel so incompetent and like i#failed. failed the first time by not speaking up when i was implicated in the stupid fucking Google form back channel situation last year#and now failed the second time by not being able to prevent this stupid drama bullshit from happening again and for not catching it. and jf#like… im in excruciating physical pain and haven’t slept and haven’t eaten well and my life is falling apart and we were ABANDONED BY THE#PERSON WHO WAS RESPONDIBLE FOR THIS (i know we weren’t abandoned she literally just got a new job i just have psychological issues) and#we’ve been running at a million miles per hour with absolutely no break and now you’re mad at us and not even telling us and it’s impacting#everyone’s experiences but you want to pretend this is fucking high school and keep secrets. i am TIRED of drama. i am TIRED of this stupid#bullshit. and not to say this bc i don’t know if asb 2022 drama factored into her decision to leave but if it did i get why * left now. i#get it. bc this shit makes me want to jump out the hotel window. i do not want to face any of them tomorrow and deal with more bullshit. i#am emotionally unstable and incompetent and not equipped to deal with this in a mature healthy way. i want this to be over NOW. im done.#ok i think that’s it um. sorry about that i just needed other people to know i am suffering and i will suppress the shame i feel about that#just this once. esp bc i denied myself the opportunity for my colleague besties to comfort me while i was crying and i regret it now lol
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why does scheduling my work days give me so much stress and anxiety
#i was supposed to do my first day at the high school today but i had literally so much anxiety i could not fall asleep last night no matter#what. i had so much dread. i took so much melatonin lol.#i could shut my brain off till i went into the application and deleted my schedule for the day#ive just been feeling so fatigued and exhausted since i got covid it's crazy. sometimes i'll have bursts of energy where im productive#but yesterday i was just so tired from loading the washing machine. just. fucking sorting clothes and putting them in#that i had to lie down on the floor for a few minutes in the middle of it#not my finest moment#tales from diana#i didn't have anything scheduled for tomorrow and i thought 'maybe if i feel better tonight ill call in'#but i dont feel. super better tonight. and the only thing that i could do tomorrow at my preferred school is kindergarten subbing#for like the main classroom teacher. which i havent done before so i figured 'yeah im not gonna get my anxiety up 2 days in a row'#i deserve to sleep tonight after all and i think if i committed to that i wouldnt be able to#but i am going into my elementary school on wed-thur-friday of this week. wednesday is only a half day but they'll probably find smth for me#to do in the afternoon. they usually do. and im fine w that.#idk im just much more comfortable in my elementary school. i guess bc ive worked there before and i went to school there#as a wittle student waaaay back in the day. like i know the building and it doesn't scare me and i know a good amount of kids there#and the staff don't intimidate me. so yeah.#i did schedule my first job at the high school FOR REAL THIS TIME and it's next friday. hopefully ill be doing better by then.#im working the thursday before it at the elementary so i'll be in the rhythm of that. idk how to explain it but it's harder to go back#to work when ive taken a day off. like that's also why im not going in tomorrow.#friday (4/07) was the first day i worked since i got covid and that was fine but also. i was so anxious just to go in.#and so so so so tired when i got home. and all weekend.#yeah i wasn't ready to start working at the high school today. that was nonsense.#hopefully all will go well on wednesday thursday and friday of this week. im trying to restore my energy and fix my sleep. thatll do wonders#i hope. i hope i hope i hope
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i rlly am gonna lose it one day on one of these fandom bloggers who put their shipping content in band tags WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT
#i get it like the post is always abt how like. just like heaven is sooooo byler or whatever. but i just. why not JUST put that in the#directly relevant tags. i do not want to see it#do u know what i saw today on my very own dashboard. rick and morty art. shipping content. in the black sabbath tab bc it vaguely reference#iron man. i replied and politely asked if it needed to be in that tag and they got pissy w me lol#ive done that before mainly w stranger things blogs bc for some reason they are ALWAYS in the cure tag and they always like very sheepishly#apologize and take it out of the tag bc they like. know. that its annoying#I WAS NICE TOO like i didnt even make fun of them for posting rick and morty shipping art which i had every right to do bc it was very much#out of their lane#like i think ppl have the right to do cringe shit and i wont make fun of them for it as long as they arent actively bugging me.#but it was very much actively bugging me and i was STILL NICE#like i feel like as a rick and morty fan in the year of our lord two thousand and twenty three u have to have some sense of self awareness#right? but i guess not. i mean i guess everyone left has literally no shame#anyway after that interraction i just sighed and blocked them and moved on and literally one scroll later what do i see. a post#abt how just like heaven is soooooo byler#in my dash bc its in the cure tag.#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!#die one thousand deaths!
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#I've slowly been giving up on one of my closest friendships#I've told them previously how i dont like being called dumb for merely stating an option or fact#ive shown discontent and even expressed my displeasure when he takes trolling me to far#only for them to do it again and again#but being called stupid repeatedly for so long ive learned isnt what friends should do#its one thing to do it in friendly banter amongst friends like when im being goofy in game#but they genuinely mean it when they call me that just for stating an opinion or fact#i was afraid of letting that friendship burn out but i can't take the cursing and name calling any longer#even though i truly do appreciate the good they've done i cant keep them around any longer#sucks cause our friend group all talk to one another#i only have 3 friends and one them i only recently got back to talking to after so long of not speaking#it was the childish remarks when i was talking about things i found interesting it was the cursing at me for just talking literally#i honestly could call it some sort of abuse cause not one day in the last year would go by without being called stupid or cursed at#this is my longest friendship I've had too we met in 2015 and its been 10 years this year#but ill forgive them if they ask for it and give a genuine apology but i don't think i can see myself being their friend any longer#its sad#im sad#im mourning a friendship#i suppose thats why im sad#but i think its best for me and i dont know how that will affect the friend group i have#I've only told one of my friends out of the group that im done talking to them. i was done being cursed at and called stupid.#they supported my decision and i supported theirs of not talking to one of the other in the friend group - not the one im unfriending#for clarification#but yeah i guess thats why i feel a bit sad and teary eyed rn cause im really about to go through with it.#i dont even remember the last time we all got in a PlayStation chat together.#i haven't joined the chats hes made cause i dont want to deal with the verbal abuse. and they'll scoff if they read this cause they wouldn't#believe what they do to me is abusive but you dont curse at your friends for talking or mock them when they talk literally he mocks me#In some “ nerd ” voice he called it before and not only that but he calls me stupid for giving an opinion or fact#in my opinion thats some sort of abuse cause the constant cursing mocking and name calling has made me so hesitant to talk in that chat#i suppose im ready for this new chapter of life
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nobody will let me kill myself. nobody will give me money to live. nobody will be my friend. im stuck in the worst limbo and I can't move or struggle or flail my arms. what the fuck do I do now
#when the urge to just delete my life is so overwhelming i have no desire to act on anything else#today just feels so disgusting i hate myself so much#i cant express how much i absolutely despise being me#i hate it!#and now im me with $-9 in my bank account and nobody liking me#!!!!!#why do i have no friends??? like truly????#im 25 and every friend ive ever had has completely broken me inside and ghosted me after 10 years#im sick#this is so fucking pointless#SO FUCKING POINTLESS#i want to scream and cry but ive already sprnt all day screaming and crying#just get me out of here before i do it myself#im so fucking tired and done with absolutely evergrhing#and why am i even sayinf all of this?? so 5 years from now (if im even still alive) i can re#read it??#nobody looks at these#all my followers could care less#bet you $5 if youre reading this right now you couldnt give lesser of a shit#bet you $5 when i re-read this post in 5 years itll still have 0 notes#literally nobody cares about my existence here on earth it is such a blimp in the grand scheme of human history#why continue if nobody gives a shit ahout your human existence?#that the joy of suicide? you can kill yourself & dissolve of any pain - especially when nobody in the world actually loves you!#nobody talks to me on a daily basis i dont even have a job#i have $-9 in my bank account and we#we're entering an oligarchy.... are you fucking kiding me#and god & jesus wanna come down and tell me i should keep living yeah fucking sure whatever#given up completely have no hope have no motivation have no energy have no drive#wanna die#personal
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