#Uni took everything from me
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hihi!
this is going to be a ctimene rp account, i'm wondering if i could request some ctimene art to use as the pfp? (with proper credits ofc)
it's fine if you don't want to haha just wanted to check!
Forgive me for taking so long! Also sorry because she's a lil wonky, haven't drawn in a while, but here is the girlypop girlboss ever
Also I'm alive! :'D
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#delete later#another journal entry 📝 for the void#i have not been sleeping well for the past 2 wks 😵💫 i always wake up like clockwork after 5-6 hrs which feels like not nearly enough#i feel like i've done everything there is to do (consistent exercise + consistent sleep times + earplugs + weighted blanket + no caffeine)#last night i took melatonin too but no... same problem staying asleep 😭#ahh whatever. i'm just frustrated that it has to be this way :(#anyways in an act of spite i reread like the 4 wips that have been sitting in my drafts from the past few weeks#i think something that will never cease to surprise me about writing is that more effort/time doesn't necessarily translate to better#results; i suppose that's the case with all kinds of art but#it does feel somewhat unintuitive. one of my fav professors in uni said to not dismiss those 'lightning in a bottle' moments (in art) as#blind luck... but to instead analyze the circumstances and iterate on recreating them. and i think one of my artist friends who i deeply#respect said something similar (wrt artistic rituals/setup). i have too many thoughts on writing and on my own creative processes and#weaknesses to fit into any number of tags here. :') that said...#*shakes ch2 draft* after everything i did and all the hours i spent WHY are you still so bad?!!! D: i am baffled and frustrated.#and why do i prefer this other [redacted] draft which i hammered out with utterly no regard towards the quality??#anyways. back to the drawing board i guess T.T
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just met 2 ppl from my dorm im actually gonna cry now im so fucking awkward
#like i LOVE talking to people#but i cant#i just CANT#my primary school literally sent me to a psychologist 2 times for this#maann i wish my parents hadn't made me feel like a freak abt it#then maybe it would've worked#but yeah now i have to live with it ig and it drives me crazy#bc like#i dont wanna be like this#and i WANT to change#and ive been trying all my life#and ik i should probably go to therapy again but ofc my parents wont let me#took them long enough to accept i wanted to study psychology#idk they just hate everything that has to do with mental health#im actually thinking abt going to a psychologist from my uni next semester#hope they dont have to inform my parents then#but like ill pay for it and im 18 sooo#but its scary#okay oh my god this got waaayy longer than i thought#sorry guys haha
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i found loads of pictures of my uncle i am going 2 cry
#he looked so sweet…..he looks SO much like my dad#i found the last picture of him that my granddad took a month or so before he died it’s so sad#trying to decide if i should tell my mum that i know about him or if i should just keep it to myself#idk if somethings wrong with me maybe it’s because i was already grieving before i found out#but it’s really getting 2 me i can’t concentrate on my uni shit i just keep thinking about it#i think i rlly need to talk about it with someone but i have no idea who or how or what i’d say. but it’s weird because it’s a secret yk#like i’m not even supposed to know he existed#idk. i have a gender clinic appointment next week and i’m going to ask if they can recommend any therapists#me being very very brave and trying therapy again after being forced into it my whole life and ending up a bit traumatised#idk. i feel bad that i’m alive and i’m wasting my life when my uncle got killed when he was just a kid#it makes me feel like i should be more grateful and do more with myself.#and i am going to try but i’d rather he was here instead. same with my granddad#every time i experience something beautiful or good i wish my granddad could experience it because he deserved it more than me#and the best i can do is experience it for him and be grateful. but i would chance places instantly if i could#him and his kid deserve to be here they were so special. i know i don’t know his kid but i’ve heard they were similar#so i know he must have been special too#i found a fb comment today from a family friend i’ve never met and she was saying that she only met my granddad once#but she called him gentle and it made me cry. because he was very scottish and sweary and traditional and masculine#so everyone just assumed he was tough and scary but if you knew him he was really quiet and kind#and i’m glad someone who only met him once could see that#i’m going to be half asleep for the rest of my life i think. i’ve been dreaming since my granddad died and i don’t feel like i ever woke up#nothing has felt real since i was nine years old. everything just stopped and never started again#i’ve just been waiting. i’m waiting for him to change his mind and come back. idk. i don’t know what to do with myself#and i continuously feel fucking insane and stupid for being this way. it’s like fresh grief all the fucking time#but it was fifteen years ago. why does it still feel this way#i can’t even tell people because they won’t understand why i’m still so bothered by it#he was my parent for nine years. i lived with him he was my sole caretaker#i was nonverbal and him and my brother were the only people on the planet who knew what my voice sounded like#he’d think it was silly if i failed my exam because i was crying about him instead#he’d tell me to whisht and stick in. so i will
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honestly i find everything about me being an adult and doing work stuff inherently fucking hilarious bc like its me but the fact i am going to TEACH. AT A UNIVERSITY. ME. TEACHING. imagine walking into an extra elective you picked up and having /me/ as your professor
#axel grinds on#would like to point out i did NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS#we got some funding somewhere somehow in conjunction with the uni#and i thought it was just to fuckin scope out the uni see if it was suitable for solar panels#and then its “hey good news youre gonna be teachin the architechture students about solar design”#so im like ??????????????? you want me to do WHAT#and then i realised aw fuck theyre architechture students am i gonna have to teach them physics i went into this from engineering so#everything about this is so fucking funny#like i know im an alumni of the university so theyre excited to get me to teach there but like#i am not a /good/ alumni i took 5 years to graduate and then got a mickey mouse without honours degree#because i was too stupid to understand the power grid and all that shit#they took pity on me after i failed the class TWICE and gave me the participation award of degrees#you want ME to TEACH???
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#cw vent#:(#my uni application got denied#I have to take more exams bc I don’t have the stuff to get in :(#all bc of covid and moving preventing me from finishing the last of my exams :(#and the year I took to recover from moving has proved I have not got the brain to do what I used to be able to :(#not to mention this exam they need me to do is incredibly irrelevant to what I wanna take and also a completely different system to what#I would’ve done and had#not in the best of moods rn I’m afraid-#guess it’s back to doing what I’ve always done: teaching myself everything that is necessary to get by bc I’m not gonna get it from others🫡#/lh
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horrified to learn this morning that the guy i took mma classes from when i lived in england is a close personal friend of andrew tate's
#i was skimming tate's wikipedia page this morning trying to figure out whether he was still in jail#and saw a familiar name and was like 'wait wasn't that the guy i first took mma from?'#the one who was the main mma instructor for the gym in england that was the only place i really felt welcome by locals?#(tho to be fair to the uni students i was with they'd all been taking classes together for years when i joined for a 1yr study abroad)#anyway followed the wikipedia link and turned out it was him#started involuntarily thinking about whether he ever came across as racist or misogynistic and came up empty#chalking this one up to maybe all ufc fighters competing out of england befriend each other#i did find everyone at the gym super friendly (and they'd mostly known each other for years before i got there too!)#i remember being really touched that one guy who was missing an arm below the elbow and did different versions of the moves (in no-gi bjj)#took the time to show me how to defend against his versions of everything so that we could still roll (bjj sparring)#instead of. you know. just not rolling with the new girl who was up front about the fact she was only gonna be there for a few months#(and who could barely understand the local accent (it was very different from the uni students accents which i *could* understand)#and constantly had to be like 'sorry dumb american here. can you say that slower?')#it was really such a kind and welcoming environment
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My dad walked in on me filling out one of the smaller application forms for a job and deadass was like "what are you doing?" "why do you have to write all of that?" "no wonder so many people don't have jobs if you have to fill out that shite" *leaves room angry on my behalf* 🤣🤣🤣
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#It's actually bullshit#I got rejected from every single one I applied for as well#One of them was a 15 stage application process where they took 6 weeks to get back to us and it was for SEVEN HOURS A WEEK#My parents busy like wtf you'd be so good at these jobs and they're just hiring stupid people how are you supposed to get a first job#When u are a performer for a living (well at uni) and you're getting rejected from retail jobs they're so fucking dumb#My mum suggested printing out my cv and handing it around and didnt believe me when I said they'd just ask you to go online#Then it's the same shit#Anyways rant over#I got a job through word of fucking mouth and got rejected from literally everything else with a whole undergrad and masters degree
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just did it the worst anyones ever
#chemistry exam. they took my fuckign calculator#cause its not “”“”university approved“”“”#its the exact same thing as a bunch of other students were using it just didnt say CASIO ON THE FRONT#guess where the only place to get one is?? uni store for 18 fuckin pounds. fuck my everything#this shit a SCAM#got me doing long division complex multiplication with those boxes like lets hope i remember this from fuckin gradeschool#i mean. considering. it couldve been worse. BUT IT COULDA BEEN BETTER#time for. spicy pulled pork soup. as a treat for PUTTING UP WITH BULLSHIT
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I'm watching Chiharafuyu and I'm devastated to realise that the fandom isn't all that into Chihaya-Arata-Taichi polycule
#i just think they're neat#like literally i feel like they're so perfect together like that#i can picture them living together in college and having a wonderful time every day with each other perfectly#chihaya kissing them both goodnight and tucking herself in between them all cozy and nice#them playing karuta together and taking turns for reading the cards#Taichi making them lunch and them meeting up to eat in the gardens of uni#they took everything from me
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Jaw dropped what.
#ppl are entitled to feel how they feel bla bla bla ik the drill#dora daily#I actually don’t exactly feel salty rn bc I’m trying hard to be detached like who cares if nobody will ever like me ndieows !!! who cares if#I’m not lovable !!!#OK affirmations over basically like girl ….#you get everything#even took my friend from me what 😭#and you say no one likes you NDOWWKA#someone literally made an artwork for you for free as a present fyi#like yesterday 😭#girl I don’t even get ppl sending me things that remind them of me bc no one cares 😭#wdym no one cares about you#if I had a speck of what you had I’d feel so loved#at least you don’t need to make up imaginary people who can love you PFFTTTT#I’m laughing at myself not her#but yeah#like I only got something sent to me once or so and it was an ayato fanart that they thought I’d like#pls I treasured that so hard what and that artwork wasn’t even made for me#it was an artist who drew it and someone sent it to me bc they remembered I liked ayato a lot 😭#that’s so sweet I still am so grateful 😭#the bar is in hell#istg ppl like her make taking drugs and being an alcoholic sound divine bc what 😭#if your existence is miserable then mine is so much so I deserve to be dead ok#you go to concerts and I’m holed up in my room unable to go to the shop near my home which is in walking distance …#I can’t even go to uni without updating my mum every two steps or else she’ll go ballistic#once I forgot to tell her I got on the train after she took me to the station im 99% sure she took me to the station#and started calling me and leaving voicemails#IM SCREWED !!!#you go to concerts on your own …#you can dress how you want without your mum picking every outfit for you ….
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confession: two weeks ago my friends got sick of me slowly cooking to death in my self-pitying emotional soup of heartbreak, took me out for drinks, and installed a dating app on my phone. we are all in the same degree at uni (i'm 25 + i promise this is relevant), in a faculty that is extremely quaint and mostly comprised of academics married to people with normal jobs. two years ago a teacher-couple joined our program's faculty, a fact that caused a minor riot within the teaching staff, who thought it was unfair to give two of four tenured jobs to a couple... unfortunately for them both of these profs are extremely beloved among the students and very good teachers at that. even if you've never taken classes from either of them, you know about this couple and probably whatever rumors are going around about them too. i've taken classes w/ both.
anyway. back to me on the dating app in the bar with my friends, pretty drunk, swiping though my bumble suggestions. for extra fun, we have set the minimum age to 30 and the gender to include "both" even though i am a lesbian. the whole table is viciously tearing down dating profiles, investigating their pictures, etc. i go to the bar to get another round for the group, am about to pay for our drinks when i hear a virtual SHRIEK from our corner. i get back, dish our drinks out. my phone is in the middle of the table, untouched by anyone like it's a cursed object. i look at the screen. it's them, our teacher couple. they have a shared dating profile, stating that they are "looking for someone to explore her bisexuality with". lesbian readers will know that this is not exactly an uncommon profile type to find, but still, seeing it from people who have taught basically everything you know about 19th century literature is... quite something. so naturally i decide to swipe right before anyone can stop me.
maia, i am so proud to report: i fucked that man's wife, she was absolutely lovely, and we will see each other again, and i am currently taking another class from her husband where the vibe is more than chill. my friends have been sworn to secrecy, but i know it's only a matter of time before someone slips up and the rumor mill starts churning... but who cares? i haven't thought about my ex since!
OH MY GOD HOLY SHIT
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u ever start piecing together why everything is wrong with you
#not everything actually but#so they stuck my brother in ib classes this year (i also took them when i was in 11-12 grade)#and realizing how badly those and ap classes were draining me and making my depression worse#and how much i wanted to jump off a bridge daily. and then i graduated and took no break before uni#and then the pandemic hit. and then i got even more stressed out bc couldnt see anyone + couldnt be outside so more depressed#and then when we finally get back to campus theres no real transition back and we lost a lot of time to learn material#so having to rush everything and struggle even more to get through my last year and a half and the entirety#of senior year ready to kill me and then also trying to struggle to get help from the counselors#while professors batter me with useless advice and then no accommodations bc i couldnt get that w/o being enrolled#in disability and i couldn't do that if i couldnt get an appt with the psych working with the counselors (i started trying in october#hadnt actually even gotten my first appointment until april that year bc the psych didnt even try to attend my first appt?#*)#so yeah.#im surprised im still here but thats also barely true.#running on fumes for 6 years does that doesnt it.
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That last post just reminded me of something honestly mind-boggling that that friend did
#so i’d just gone back to uni after being home for the weekend and i messaged my friend to let her know#and she said ‘oh awesome i’m studying in the library with my friends from my course all day; come up!’#i lived a 15 minute bus ride from campus and had a free pass so it wasn’t a problem at all for me to get myself there#(and i went to campus tons anyway. like i think i went to the library once a day that whole year to be honest. i was writing my dissertation#so even though i didn’t like her friends (they were snooty; cliquey; all the guys would try to flirt with you in creepy ways) i said ‘sure’#but there was one problem: i’d left my wallet at home. my grandma had lent me some cash as soon as i’d realised (too far into the journey to#go back) and i’d be fine for the few days it took for someone to get my wallet to me; but i didn’t have my student ID#and i needed that to get to the upper floors of the library. where my friend and her friends were#SO i communicated that to her and she was like ‘yeah of course i’ll let you in! just let me know when you��re there’#so i did that and got no response. didn’t think anything of it. but then she messaged saying something about how her friends were having an#argument; someone was having a breakdown and she couldn’t come down right then#i was like ‘fine take a few minutes’ but i was obviously annoyed because what do you mean?? just walk away for a second#use me to diffuse the situation and change the subject if you have to?#so i said to let me know when she was coming down but i didn’t hear anything and it was crowded as fuck on the ground floor of the library#so i think i gave her like 10 minutes and just went to the business school’s cafe#nearly an HOUR later my phone rang and it was evidently her standing in the reception area of the library wondering where i was#i was like did you honestly think i’d still be waiting?? did you think i had nothing better to do with my life than wait around#like a schmuck to hang out with you and your godawful friends who i don’t like. jesus christ#and i mean it’s still not the most insane way she’s disrespected my time. like a few months after that she called me asking if i wanted to#go for a walk. i said ‘yeah’ and proceeded to get ready and everything. waited for her. she’s like ‘actually i need to do x’#then i didn’t hear from her. after like an hour i gave up and started working on my dissertation#she pulled up to my house THREE HOURS after she initially called and was absolutely bamboozled when i said i no longer wanted to go#on a walk and that i was working on my dissertation and had gotten in the zone#like if you’re going to be That late you’ve gotta tell people. you can’t expect them to still be waiting on you#past a certain point; especially with no communication; i just assume i’ve been stood up and i go do something else#because like realistically why the hell WOULDN’T i go do something else if i more than likely have 3 hours to do it in lmao#i can’t with this type of behaviour. i really think she thinks other people don’t have lives#or want to hang out with her so badly that they’re willing to sit around for hours waiting#i just think she should manage her ego to be honest#personal
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Laptop Delivery - Bang Chan
Practice got a little more eventful thanks to an forgotten laptop.
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It was a peaceful morning. Fresh from your shower, you padded into your kitchen, planning to grab a quick breakfast before heading to uni. But something on the counter stopped you in your tracks – Chris' laptop.
Your heart sank. He’d stayed over last night but had to leave early for dance practice. The sight of his laptop sitting on the counter screamed trouble. Normally, he wouldn’t bring it over – it was too precious, filled with tracks, demos, and other vital material for the group. You knew his schedule was packed, and forgetting something this important could only mean bad news.
You snapped a picture of it and sent it to him with the caption:
"Forgot something?"
Still, you couldn’t shake the thought that it might be much more important. Without hesitation, you called him, even though you knew he was at practice.
After a few rings, he picked up, slightly breathless. "Hey, baby. I’m… kinda at practice right now – what’s up?"
"Did you leave your laptop here on purpose?" you asked, though you already knew the answer.
"What?" His voice was sharp with confusion. "No, I thought I— wait, let me check the picture you send me."
A muffled curse followed as realization hit. "Oh shit, no. I’ve got a meeting with some producers right after practice. I can’t believe I left it there." His tone was laced with stress.
Chris hesitated. "I—" he started, then stopped himself. You could almost hear the gears turning in his head. He was probably considering rushing back to your place after practice, which would make him late for the meeting. Worse, you wouldn’t even be there to open the door since you'd already be at uni by then.
"I… could… bring it to you," you offered cautiously, knowing what value the device had to the group.
"Really? Would that be possible?" His voice softened, a mixture of relief and guilt.
"Yeah, but I’d have to leave now. I still have uni today," you said, already moving to grab your things.
"Ah, that's amazing. You're an angel," he said warmly. "I’ll text you the room number."
Skipping breakfast, you grabbed his laptop and headed out. On the way, you planned to stop by a bakery for something quick after the delivery, before heading straight to class.
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At the JYP building, you knocked lightly on the practice room door, despite Chris’ text saying you could walk right in. The door opened to reveal Felix, his face lighting up with a grin.
"Hey!" he greeted, pulling you into a quick hug.
"Hi, Lix," you replied with a small smile. From across the room, Chris’ head shot up, his eyes locking on you. Relief and affection softened his expression as he quickly made his way towards you.
"Hey," he murmured, stopping just in front of you.
"Hi," you replied, reaching into your bag to pull out his laptop. As soon as the sleek silver device emerged, the room fell silent.
The members froze, eyes wide. It wasn’t just a laptop to them; they knew what was inside – tracks, demos, lyrics, everything. The fact that you were holding it was proof of something bigger: the trust Chris had in you.
But before anyone could speak, Chris gently pulled you into the room, his fingers brushing your cheeks as he softly pulled your mask down.
And then, he kissed you.
It was natural, familia – something the two of you had done countless times before. But here, in the quiet practice room, with – unbeknownst to you – all eyes on you, it felt different. His lips were warm and soft, a silent expression of gratitude and love.
The members didn’t move, still processing what they were seeing. None of them had expected this. Sure, they knew how much Chris cared about you, but seeing it displayed so openly caught them off guard.
When he finally pulled back, his ears burned red, and he muttered a sheepish "I’ll call you later, okay? Thanks again", as he took the laptop from your hands.
You, cheeks blazing, barely managed a nod as you stepped back. The silence lingered for a beat longer before you mumbled, "Y-yeah. Bye, everyone."
You turned and left, closing the door behind you.
The moment the door clicked shut, chaos erupted.
"YAH, HYUNG!"
"I can't believe you just did that!"
"PDA MUCH?!”
"Channie hyung, what was that?!"
"Wow, so smooth. Too bad your ears give you away."
Outside, you heard the screaming teasing very clearly and couldn’t help but smile, your cheeks still burning as you walked down the hallway. Chris could handle the teasing – he brought it upon himself after all.
masterlist
#bang chan imagines#stray kids imagines#skz imagines#bang chan scenarios#stray kids scenarios#bang chan#stray kids#skz#skz scenarios#skz x reader#skz x you#stray kids fanfic#skz fanfic#skz fluff#bang chan fluff#stray kids x reader#bang chan x reader#stray kids fluff
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i'm definitely failing these assignments n 100% not getting a 2:1 lmao
#i kinda took a break from everything#bc i'm at my breaking point#but i just feel like i'm going to be so far behind#n i have a 3 day legal workshop during the winter break#so that's 3 more days gone#n yeh i'm just a bit all over the place#n i really need a 2:1 for training contracts#oh also i emailed someone from support#bc i need help w structuring my essays n she hasn't gotten back to me yet#n my academic mentor hasn't either#n i need him to asap bc there's one firm who wants references#for a vacation scheme n so far i've got none lol#h's uni adventures
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