#Ugh. I can’t say this here…
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INVESTED? What, now there’s people INVESTED in us??
i hope this doesn’t break you two up. :( you’re so cute together…
...
i wouldn't get too invested in that.
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I think the worst thing about having very vague/spotty memories because I was so young when it happened is feeling like I can’t ever fully accept that it DID happen. I will always second guess myself—even though the evidence is always with me (the body keeps the score, as they say). I will probably never tell anyone who knows him about it because what if I’m wrong?? What if I’m making up these flashes of “memory”, and seeing “signs” in my present self where there are none just because I want an easy answer that would explain the way that I am???
It would be such a horrible thing to accuse someone of if it wasn’t true. Especially family. Even just thinking it feels cruel and unfair to him sometimes. And there’s no way for me to get the truth unless he were to confess it to me himself.
I fantasize about that sometimes—I like to picture him apologizing to me at some kind of reunion, scared out of his mind that I’ll tell someone about it and ruin his life. Or even unapologetic, making jokes about it. At least then I would have confirmation. At least then I would have validation for the last twenty years of my life.
Anyway if anyone else feels like this, you’re not alone.
#this is not my usual type of post but i feel like im losing my mind i had to get this out#and it’s fathoms easier to put it here than to say anything to anyone who knows me offline#but if you’re someone i actually speak to on this app if you could pretend you didn’t see this that would be great thanks 🙏#trauma posting#ro speaks#childhood trauma#repressed memories#csa survivor#incest survivor#i feel like a fraud using these tags lol#even now i can’t decide if i believe it or not#but like. bro. come on. you know#but DO I??#UGH#vent post#actually traumatized#csa vent#i am feeling very insecure about this post but here we go#trauma journal
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regained my 12 year old swag(read an entire new percy jackson book in one sitting)
#CHALICE OF THE GODS WAS SO GOOD#AUAUUGHHHUHGHHHGHHHSH#i was laughing out loud every few minutes for like 5 hours straight#this was a book of BITS#(spoilers in tags from here on out)#i keep thinking abt percy’s river rage tantrum and how he came out of it to annabeth saying ‘yeah he’s scary sometimes when he gets worked#up. do you want more tea?’#COMEDY#the entire bit with him hiding under the pastry cart. the thing about annabeth having a secret fanclub and percy’s not even phased.#THE HIMBO JUICE THING. RICK RIORDAN WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THERES A HOOTERS BUT FOR MEN AND SMOOTHIES#annabeth apparently specifically won’t bake clue cupcakes. and this is happening less than 2 years after the famous sixteenth birthday blue#cupcake that she and tyson made for him. the one that looked like a blue brick that they are with their hands.#<— not inconsistency. comedy.#percy’s whole thing with playing with the snakes with the rainbow as he’s fully prepared to be eaten😭😭😭😭😭he is SO unserious#the entire mt olympus scene where he keeps getting distracted from what he’s doing bc he can’t stop roasting zues in his head????#PERCY I LOVE YOU#ugh i forgot how much i adore percy pov.#pov of not knowing what’s going on ever. pov of being distracted every 10 seconds. he’s literally so real#i thought eudora was hilarious#the whole concept that percy has to do this at all. i think it’s so funny#ppl who are mad that the premise of the quests is stupid. like yeah. percy jackson has a stupid life.#when annabeth broke through his window at 4am to sit on his bed and talk about rocks and trees. everything#percy not knowing the names of anyone at his school or on his swim team#when the god showed up at his cafeteria and percy just ate his lasagna sandwich before talking to him😭😭😭😭that child is TIRED#i loved the light graffiti in the tunnel. when percy wrote their initials i SCREAMED#WHEN. WHEN HE ASCENDED AND TURNED INTO RAINBOW LIGHT WITH THE POWER OF WANTING TO TELL ANNABETH HE LOVED HER.#I DIED.#THE POWER OF LOVE ALWAYS SO STRONG‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#AUGH i am weak#pjo
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missing ERS….
#still can’t believe these r pics i took on my phone like what#i know i’ll never be physically able to be in the pit like that again but this was genuinely the best night of my life#camped out for 3 days and made amazing friends#holding tyler during hoty#ugh i need to stop before i spiral i just love and miss them#i hope i can find someone reselling tix for the clancy show closest to me or i may die#we didn’t get SAI tour here and i went to trench w my ex so Need to see them again#twenty one pilots#tøp#emotional road show#tyler joseph#josh dun
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my grown ass estranged step-brother won’t get the fuck out of my house and keeps makin my momma cry so I drew Habit choking him out of anger. #ventart💔🥀🖤😔⛓️⛈️
#He won’t stop saying the n word either#Like bro#you white#Cut that shit out#Using habit to release some anger#I do not like him#mf get OUT#no one wants you here#Parasite#get a fuckin job#Oh wait#i forgot you can’t cus you don’t have a license#Because you’re a FUCKING CRIMINAL#I HATE YOU#Sorry chat#i hate that freak#Ugh#stole my FUCKING DEODORANT#AND USED MY TWINS RAZOR ON WHO KNOWS WHERE#SYPHILLIS#I want to name drop this mf#Vent#do I tag habit#Fuck it#habit emh#everymanhybrid
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Twice this week I have received comments on Can’t Help Falling in Love critiquing my use of tags and I’m just like?
those “extra” tags have been there for four years? no im not going to delete them?? I think if it truly was a big issue one of my moots/writer friends would’ve brought it up to me by now???
I use tags to express my creative voice and personality. And I DO include lots of real tags.
if someone makes something FOR FREE and it’s not harmful maybe just say what you like about it and move on?
like? do yall like my tags?? have my tags dissuaded you from checking out my stuff??? because I’ve been posting on ao3 since 2019 and this is the first time anyone has ever brought it up :/
#not to toot my own horn but this fic has done far better than I ever could’ve anticipated#it’s one of the top phinbella fics on ao3 I don’t think that would be the case if tags were an issue#and it’s my pnf legacy#to have TWO people leave comments saying hey loved the fic but you did this wrong#why????#what is the reason!#what good does that serve?#ugh#maybe my personality is ‘too much’ if so oh well#ao3#cadence rants#can’t help falling in love#fanfic#fan fiction#an archive of our own#like if you frequent m account you might be able to guess I’ve had a bit o a rough week. fandom is supposed to be my safe space but#unfortunately it isn’t always. But MY fic is supposed to be my ultimate safe space. a place for positivity and discussion and expression.#take that man splaining energy somewhere else it is not welcome here
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I’m here to say that you may absolutely express negativity about veilguard to me as long as it’s not stupid. hate on it for real reasons, of which there are plenty, most of which I’m ignoring because of the hype but would be glad to discuss in a civilized manner. no forced positivity in this zone this is a safe space. unless your criticism is dumb as fuck then I will point and laugh
#sorry people have been posting about how bad the ~discourse~ is#about everything under the sun#and I’m starting to think that people are really just classifying like#‘oh this guy has a different opinion than me’ as discourse#like. hm. here’s an example from the latest and greatest#some people think a certain ending for Astarion is better than the others#they are entitled to that opinion! you are entitled to dksageee!#nobody is attacking you for your preference#even if someone says on their blog ‘oh if you don’t put blorbo bleebus through the bingly bop ritual you’re not a real fan’ that’s still#not a personal attack! that’s just someone Having Thoughts on their own blog#sorry I’m just. sigh#you can’t post any analysis of the actual climactic event in dragon age 2 anymore without it being labeled discourse#and I think. here’s my contribution to the discourse#you all are so obsessed with Avoiding Discourse that you’re not letting yourself feel the joy of getting stupidly invested in media#anyway. aren’t you tired of being nice. don’t you wanna go apeshit#ugh sigh DISCLAIMER because this is tumblr and you have to over explain lest someone take you in the worst possible faith#I am WELL AWARE of people who do actually like attack people and make online space hell for the differing opinions#tis why I specified people talking about their takes *on their own blog*#I am also WELL AWARE of pervasive issues in fandom. namely racism. I’m talking about racism and looking directly at the way bg3 fandom#treats and talks about wyll. and the way they treat black fans who rightfully call that shit out#racism isn’t discourse. it’s racism#talking about racism isn’t discourse. don’t devalue the conversation like that#disclaimers over. I stand by what I said#this is a safe space to have opinions. even if I disagree. unless what you’re saying is really stupid#don’t fish for reasons to be a hater. haterism should come naturally or not at all#this has been a post
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one of the worst feelings ever is wanting to write but your hands hurt too much or the words just don’t want to work so you just sit there staring at a half finished doc with tears in your eyes bc you want to write and you need to write but everything is telling you that you can’t
#and that you’re a terrible writer and that no one cares aaaaaaand imposter syndrome kicks in and you just feel like crap#bc all your friends have been wriying recejtky so why can’t you??? cause they’re bETTER THAN YOU#lol idk why my head is so bad today#the feelings of inferiority and emptiness and idk worthlessness are strong and i hate it but i can’t stop it#i just wanna write!!! and like what i write!!!#but i Can’t and i haven’t liked anything i’ve written in Months and ugh i hate not being able to d something i wanna do#oh and now i’m crying??? why the frick am i cRYING litetally why is typing this making me Worse#sorry guys needed to rant#the inadequacy was strong today#something something students keep telling me how much they dislike me or how i’m whiny for asking them to be respectful and like#i Know i shouldn’t compare myself to my friends but gosh it’s hard when they’re all like. so much better than me.#and i don’t have a lot of time to be on tumblr bc of work so i just feel like i’m watching everything from afar and it’s no one’s fault but#my brain’s like no one is Doing anything it’s just my brain being dumb and i can’t stand it and I want to stop feeling empty and like i’m#missing a part of myself and like the words i write don’t matter gOD why can’t i just feel happy with where i am and not care what the kids#who hate me say or realize that no one cares that i’m not on much like i’m still Here and trying to interact it’s not like everyone hates me#for being busy or for liking side characters more than the main characters and just—#sorry#that felt good actually#idk what came over me#imma just. imma shower. then maybe delete my tags#sorry if anyone got this far aT ALL grace is either asleep or trying to sleep so i don’t wanna bother them since they slept poorly last nigh#okay done now for real sorry delete tags later sorry if you saw this and how freaking messed up ky freaking brain is
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Original Fiction
Fictober Day 13 - “that’s not the point”, a vague bittersweet angsty kinda fic about my beloved Willow and Pyg
#fictober24#fictober event#writing#fanfic#fanfiction#original characters#original story#I don’t know how much of it is clear in this fic#but I don’t wanna give all the context or anything. even though said event doesn’t happen exactly like this#back of my brain says hey what if you ever do tell the entire story someday. you want some of it to be properly new and surprising#so yeah. lol#the last few lines of that hurt me tho. okay.#you don’t understand how much they love each other…#funny bc in fandom context that’s like saying. you don’t get their relationship how I do.#but here it’s. you literally can’t get it like I do I am the creator of these lovely lil guys and only I know their full stories…#and even then I have so so so many details I’ve yet to figure out lol. yk?#but man I love these ocs. not just Willow and Pyg but the whole batch of them in this universe#I wish I knew exactly when I came up with them but it’s been at least 5 years these guys have been with me… ugh I love em
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It’s genuinely depressing watching people rooting for the tiktok ban on tumblr. “Yes get rid of the misinformation pipeline!” as if I wasn’t lowkey tracking black salve facebook groups or the weird urine cults on Twitter 10 years ago. Misinformation and the algorithms that feed it to you were not invented by tiktok and they will not go away just because the gov has shut down a single app.
#tiktok ban#tiktok#i go to tt for like. actual discourse because something about actually seeing someone’s face feels more connected#and i can pretty easily distinguish a bad faith troll from a genuinely held bad take#like i cannot get over how everyone is genuinely so in line about luigi on tiktok#but on here there’s still anonymized accounts pushing bad faith ‘but but he’s white and but but he’s rich we can’t be in solidarity!’ takes#and like really? i’d rather be able to hear someone’s bad take and ratio them as they deserve#than read a dozen psyop ass anonymous hand wringing#like im finally seeing a sense of class consciousness and where? tiktok#while on tumblr dot hellsite we have people counting lawyers and doctors in the edible rich category#there are so many trolls on this site just saying whatever the fuck they want and it gets debated as genuine discourse#no#im gonna be so pissed when tt is gone cause i cant handle more of this shit#like meta gets hacked multiple times a year the data leaks are insane#the amount of data google collects and sells about you is insane#but we’re focusing on TikTok why? ugh the united states internet is about to get boring af
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I literally feel like I’ve finally lost it and im so fucking done If im just going to be completely honest
#dog talk#nothing fucking. ugh#I don’t feel like anything anymore none of this makes sense to me and I just keep attacking myself and my surroundings#everything is nothing at all. its all just shreds of hope#everything all of these ‘people’ say don’t mean shit and about 2 days ago now I finally almost called it quits#if you know what that implies.#and I just want to hurt everyone and myself and everyone and myself and once and for all it seems that no one means anything to me anymore#and that I shouldnt care#something is in my head talking to me and it has been for fucking forever and I don’t know If I’ll survive tonight#just some fuckin dickheads are always in my fucking way and I just. I don’t know how much longer I’ll survive#next year I don’t even know if I’ll make it. I don’t even fucking know if I’ll make it#I don’t know how to stick around anymore I fucking don’t#no one has ever liked me and no one has ever payed artention to me and no one cates and I dont care and#but also Ive left everyone and theyve missed me but they don’t even know who I am anymore#I haven’t showered in 2 weeks now and my hair is practically molded to my head with the grease and I HAVent done shit#everything isnt real everything is just a mold of what it should be#I woke up at 5 pm today and I couldnt even see the light outside because of that#EVERYTHING is just thoughts and every singl eugcking EVERY single fucking noise makes me want to fucking scream and freak out I#cant fucking do this man#I don’t think I’m going to survive at all#I think I honestly wasnt meant to be here. I think I was supposed to be a abandoned sawmill or some shit#and I think this is all just here to curse me because I was given the light of the world but the pain of being here#I am in pain and I can’t keep doing this. if I talk to a psychiatrist I will be asked all of their stupid questions that they assume I have#normal teenage answers for#and not that I am planning where my grave will be.#I am done.
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😜
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#i committed to working out again (as of like a week ago) which I do sincerely need to do#but even post recovery I like. see muscles move under my skin and I remember what they looked like when they were so developed#and I had zero body fat then lmao. like Back In The Day i would be so thin I could look at this#*those muscles when I was even getting up from a chair.#I could see the contour of their boundaries (?) and even my ligaments/tendons sometimes. thru my skin. bc I was so thin#and when I look at my legs and arms move forward sometimes that’s all I can#think about. ‘u used to be able to see that move under ur skin but u can’t now bc there’s too much fat in the way’#I should be talking about this with a therapist I guess but I hate all of them and I don’t have a billion dollars and a whole decade to spen#*spend finding The Right One who is a good fit and is trained in this stuff specifically and can actually help me#idk what I’m even saying here anymore whatever I’m just…. ugh fuck.
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Been thinking about the Odyssey a lot lately
#reading the Iliad I see Odysseus and I’m like#that mf#ik him#I don’t like him#but I can’t say he isn’t intriguing here#ugh#annoying as hell#I hope Penelope beat his ass for cheating on her#art#my art#traditional art#sketch#doodle#the odyssey#odysseus#Hermes#Athena
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is it gay to be so overwhelmed with emotions by thinking about someone you care about so much you almost want to pick up writing again
#- but also it’s night time and you can’t fall asleep even though you need to get up early#and you’re just stuck imagining the lines you want written down#so your only options are to do it now while they’re still there#or not and then forget all of them in the morning and cry#hi i’m the gay one help i haven’t been in this state in a while#i’m just in that state again somehow i guess#probably because i never got a chance to tell this person how something so small for them meant a world to me in that moment#i hope i’ll be able to tell you all that myself in a more direction way but i love you so much you mean the world to me#okay i don’t actually want to scare you off by saying that but knowing what my mind is imagining for this you’d think that yourself anyway#i should probably stop taking now it’s way too late and i’m being tooooo emotionally vulnerable rn#hi guys sleepy night time frab here i’m the (other) emotion + vulnerable one#don’t you love to see it#i wonder if anyone is still down here reading these tags#hi if you are! send aaaa hmmm send a little ‘£; e’ if you read to this point#also why r u still reading? weirdoooo /jk love you#but really don’t be down here too long i’m sorta bleeding all my feelings out right now#because i’m so bad at expressing myself directly and as soon as i want to#ugh i’ll leave now i’m lonely and talking to myself too much again#night night everpony#frabrant#wonder if i’ll write more again… ok i’m LEVAING now gah
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Chapters: 11/? Fandom: Avatar: The Last Airbender Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Sokka/Zuko (Avatar), Aang/Katara (Avatar), others to be tagged later - Relationship Characters: Sokka (Avatar), Zuko (Avatar), Aang (Avatar), Katara (Avatar), Toph Beifong, Jet (Avatar), Suki (Avatar), Kyoshi Warriors (Avatar), Iroh (Avatar), Jee (Avatar), Hakoda (Avatar), Bato (Avatar), A bunch of OCs, Long Feng, Joo Dee (Avatar), Azula (Avatar), Mai (Avatar), Ty Lee (Avatar), Ozai (Avatar), General Fong (Avatar) Additional Tags: Violence, Blood and Injury, War, Minor Character Death, Rape/Non-con Elements, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Attempted Sexual Assault, Major Character Injury, Amputation, Implied/Referenced Suicide, possible major character death, themes similar to the first two books, Sexism, Racism (like has already been written in first two books), dark themes, Human Trafficking, Slavery, Just a lot of dark war-like themes, there will be a battle, Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Injury Recovery, Healing, Underage Sex, Underage Drinking, Animal Death, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Warnings each chapter, Hopefully some healing for Zuko finally, no promises, but that’s the goal, Reunions, hopefully a happy ending, Sokka gets some healing too, Non-Consensual Drug Use Series: Part 3 of Leaving It All Behind Summary:
-This is the last book of the series LIAB, please go read the other two books before this, or you will be very confused-
Zuko has been taken by the Earth Kingdom army to who-knows-where, and Sokka is determined to get him back.
But he can’t do it alone.
With Suki and the Kyoshi Warriors by his side, Sokka is headed to Ba Sing Se to find Katara and Aang so they can go rescue his fire bender.
Things aren’t as easy as he had hoped. Corruption, lies, and unknown horrors await them inside the city’s walls. None of this is helping Sokka’s mental well-being.
Hakoda and his men face a problem of their own as Azula approaches with the intentions of making it rain fire.
Sokka and Zuko will both find themselves having to reintegrate back into a life they thought they left behind, with people they hardly remember. It isn’t easy for anyone, especially when they don’t recognize the person standing in front of them.
#wohoooooo#sorry its a day late#but what do they say?#better late than never#UGH I CAN’T BELIEVE WE ARE A:READY AT 200k ALMOST#WTFFFFF#I gotta stop posting 20k chapters#ughhhh#ok no more 20k chapters#starting…. NOW#someone hold me accountable damn it#ok well here are your zukka cuddles#there is two Ara pov so I do have TW#for those#& of course…#HEED THE TAGS#if you haven’t heeded already#liab#ITF#zukka#fic update
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going into instagram comments is crazy it’s like seeing into a (much MUCH) worse alternate reality like You ppl live such unfathomably terrible lives to me….
#aside from the general everything they’re just so boring and miserable. Btw#sorry it’s just i’ve had insta on my phone lately (unfortunately i can’t delete it until the party ☹️) & every SINGLE time i see some sort o#reel and i’m like HA yknow what i think? and then everyone in the comments is saying the complete opposite thing#every single time without fail#the other day i saw a reel where a bartender dumped all the leftover stuff from the thing (idk what it’s called) into a cup and every1 in#the comments was like ugh yucky disgusting / yk ppl put even grosser stuff in their mouths like genitals. besides if it’s cleaned regularly#enough it should be fine / that’s a big IF. meanwhile i’m like Yum jungle juice 😋#also one time i saw ppl talking abt how they sleep in binders at sleepovers COME ON reddit is free transtape exists. please#<- these r like the worst examples ever but it’s ok#also like the insane casual misogyny. it’s so bad out here guys#.txt#ppl arguing in the comments like ‘that’s like 2k calories’ / ‘why r u being negative besides it’s only like 300 at max’ / ‘it’s not#negativity’ GUYS. WHAT THE FUCK. CALORIES ARE GOOD I <3 ENERGY???? YOUR BODY ALSO LOVES ENERGY. COME ON. BUTTER 4 LYFE BITCH#OH AND ONE TIME someone made vanilla extract and the comments were all panicked muslims like oh no im rethinking all my vanilla extract#buying GUYS do you or do you not eat bread. great now figure out the alcohol content of fermented yeast vs a drop of ethanol in a cake (that#is being baked anyway!)
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