#This may or may not reach like. Anyone. Tumblr tends to not like my life update or non fanart posts very much lol

[roadkill-punk]

we r so back

Hii guys it's been ten billion years since I posted but imm backk.

You can expect me to start uploading stuff I've been working on in the last while, mostly ultrakill fanart, I have like fifteen angel ocs now.

I've been doing a lot more traditional than digital art recently which I'm always a little hesitant to post but like. Who's stopping me lol.

I'll be going through asks soon (God I'm so sorry I took so long to respond to those I swear I love it when you guys interact with me,) and checking out what I've been missing since I haven't really logged into Tumblr much in the last while. Feel free to @ me in anything you think I would like bc it has uh. Been awhile.

Happy to be back, hope to engage a little more with y'all :3

[succubish666]

Hello I hope you’re doing good..🌸 I’m curious about your whole demonkin post it’s was very interesting to read, do you require a divine being to tell you about that whole soul "appearance" or past lives, dépend how other told about it either it’s their soul or past lives or even other.. Or you can know yourself?

Hi, 🌸 anon! I’m glad you found my demonkin post about my soul’s appearance interesting. You absolutely DO NOT require anyone telling you anything to know you’re a demonkin or any kind of otherkin. My case is very unique in that I regularly communicate with a deity who can help me know more about myself and my soul.

Most of the otherkin community don’t talk to or probably even believe in gods. My spiritual beliefs and being a part of the otherkin community are two separate things that coincidentally coincide with each other. Though I believe this is more common for divinekin, as they may feel more naturally inclined to reach out to deities they have spiritual connections to.

As for how one can know, each case is unique. You might experience things such as the sensations of having phantom limbs, like a tail or wings. You may recall certain memories or have dreams that feel like another life you’ve led as something other than human. You could even naturally feel urges to do things that humans wouldn’t do like growl or be drawn to odd things and interests. I personally believe it’s more common for otherkin to be autistic since they tend to not fit in with “normal” humans.

My recommendation is to try a guided past life meditation on YouTube and to search tags here on Tumblr like #otherkin, #demonkin, #divinekin, #alterhuman, and #nonhuman. See what resonates with you or triggers any memories. Though at the same time, remember to stay grounded. Don’t delude yourself into thinking you’re something you’re not, just because it’d be cool or get you attention. Being nonhuman in a society built by and for humans isn’t exactly… fun. It’s a real struggle for those of us who identify as such.

[writingsoftrash]

hey! if you follow me on twitter, (@i/amwritingiswear) i will be switching over to bsky!

i'll still be posting updates/snippets/musings/etc here on tumblr about my writing, (and specifically AIML) but I tend to be more active over on bsky in general. my dms are opened, and i love chatting and word vomiting so please feel free to msg me on there if i don't see your message here on tumblr right away!!

as for a chapter 14 update ummmmmmmmmmmm. well. here's the thing, theoretically, I could probably publish chapter 14. I am tempted to just cut it at a certain point, just to get the damn chapter out. its not like, an abrupt ending or anything, but the trade off is that while Joe does see Alice, there's no Alice & Joe talking. but atp, I think the chapter itself is just driving me insane, and if I split it, tidy it up, and then just start off chapter 15 where I split it, it'll just make my life easier and also make me stop going insane.

and in writing all of that and thinking about it, I think I will do just that actually lol. it'll help me get what is (in my head) a filler chapter out of the way and I can move on and get to where I *want* to be at, and it doesn't seem like an insurmountable mountain to get to it.

so look forward to that in the next few days? if not today/tomorrow possibly depending.

other then that, I have also fallen head first into dragon age, specifically Solas/Solavellan and am going insane over the bald egg man. I don't know if there's really any crossover, but if anyone happens to like Solas... ummmmmm i may have the rumblings for some Solavallen drabbles I want to write.

okay enough of my yapping. pls feel free to reach out to chit chat!! x)

[neonscandal]

Hello, again, Neon...How are you? Sorry I have not log in tumblr for almost 2 month. I'm surprised you got quite a lot of interesting asks when I read your blog....

So, first thing first, now I'm in the middle of watching "Fushigi Yuugi", thanks to you. Now, I'm not really interested in the romance but I really love the story and worldbuilding. It's isekai but so good....Thanks for your rec, Neon....🌻🤩

I always love sorting characters to Hogwarts Houses, and because you said you don't mind, can I ask for : Miaka/Tamahome (classic trope done great), Narumi/Nifuji (cute couple), and Vash/Wolfwood (I'm depress after reading their story), Reki/Langa (just read BL that remind me of them)?

Last question (sorry for this long ask, feel free if you don't want to answer all), because you love Hermione, do you ship Hermione/Ron or Hermione/Draco or other? Why?

Hope you have a wonderful day, Neon. And sorry for late in saying this : Happy Belated Birthday, wish you all the good things in life 💐😄

Hello old friend, welcome back 🌻💛 Never a need to apologize! I dare say you and your many questions may have emboldened others to reach out haha so I suppose I should say thank you for that. And for your kind words always! 🥺❤️

For it to be an older series, I'm glad to hear the worldbuilding holds up! I always loved Tamahome, Chichiri and Nuriko because they were so funny to me when I was younger. I feel like I should revisit the series with you!

Of COURSE I'm gonna address your whole ask in one go. Just remember, fuck TERFs!

ROMIONE vs DRAMIONE

As a smooth brained child, I didn't really ship Hermione until there was more obvious signaling that she and Ron were end game. The books were coming out when I was literally the age of the characters and kids are easily influenced and don't think critically. Not even going into comphet shipping at that age. I also loved redheads or maybe just the Weasleys? As an adult, Ron kinda sucked as a partner for Hermione. He took Hermione for granted, wasn't really supportive of things that meant a lot to her (SPEW, though clearly she changed his mind based on his later concern for the elves), was generally harsh with his words regarding her until the cruft of their adolescence was really broken away but, in my opinion, Hermione outclassed Ron and Harry in a lot of ways. In this pairing, it feels like Hermione made Ron better but Ron didn't reciprocate that improvement where Hermione was concerned. We can say he made her more approachable but that was him and Harry and just general socialization. It's been awhile since I've read the books so I may be selling my boy Ron short here. But also, as an adult, I see brilliant, amazing women end up with mediocre (but somewhat earnest) men all the time so I guess we were adequately prepared in our childhood.

As an adult, I'm not going to say I ship Dramione but I definitely see the appeal more. Especially where fandom fills in the gap because, contextually, we see them at odds and how Hermione is bold enough to challenge Draco. She (similar to Ron in the above), isn't the only reason the Draco undergoes his necessary character development we see through the story but her audacity, I think, humbles him in a way that's different from Harry. This dynamic is also more aligned with ships I tend to gravitate toward where they're a little antagonistic with a soft underbelly. I'm not saying this question justifies sharing this beautiful animation by @lyrablack1883 but… an excuse is an excuse. 👀

Onto the neon Sorting Hat, I guess!

Bear in mind, I'm largely of the mind that where the other houses are fixed, Gryffindor is open to anyone brave enough to ask/insist so, if you don't agree, that's cool, too. I give the primary i think they'd be in otherwise.

Miaka Yuki (Fushigi Yuugi) - Gryffindor with Hufflepuff underpinnings. It's important to note that the tenderness that Miaka exhibits is not without an edge. She may not be strong but she isn't powerless. She is kind and accepting of others and fair with a sense of purpose when chosen to be a priestess and rises to the occasion. She's still stubborn and, in fact, the flaws that more prominently make her a Gryffindor is what endears her to others (and sets her at odds with Tamahome because she's a brat, let's be serious). Still, with the whole world on its head, Miaka doesn't shy away from her duty and grows a lot along the way.

Tamahome (Fushigi Yuugi) - okay this is a bit of a toss up but only because it's been so long since I've seen Fushigi Yuugi that I'm torn between Ravenclaw and Slytherin, for obvious reasons. Tamahome is loyal to a cause and is subsequently very logical about the means to satisfy that end. Character wise, I just can't determine (or recall, rather), whether he could justify any means to that end. I'm leaning toward Ravenclaw with the loyalty to his family and then the Suzaku Warriors but I'm open to your interpretation as someone who may have seen it more recently.

Narumi Momose (Wotakoi: Love is Hard for Otaku) - Ravenclaw. Intuitively, Narumi had a goal in mind and creatively deduced camouflage would be the best means to be successful socially and at work. It's a little dishonest but with earnest intentions. But Narumi is a Ravenclaw in the daffy way the Luna Lovegood is a Ravenclaw. That's not to suggest neither lack intelligence but their focus tends to be elsewhere. Whatever the special interest, they know it all, you know? Good luck trying to be a normie, Narumi.

Hirotaka Nifuji (Wotakoi: Love is Hard for Otaku) - Bear in mind I have one season of Wotakoi under my belt. But the biggest indicator for my determination is that Hirotaka managed to hide his crush on Narumi for the full duration of the season. Cool, and nonchalant but the frenzy when his brother almost blew his cover? Slytherin. Mans had a goal all along and while Narumi seemed to fall in line with that out of convenience, it suited his purposes all along and we only see an aberration in his behavior when that was potentially jeopardized. Harmless as the circumstances were, it's giving Slytherin.

Vash the Stampede (Trigun) - Hufflepuff to a fault with sympathy for the devil. He will do what is right, damn the consequences and the risk of personal injury to himself. He was given a life and seeks to protect the lives of others at all cost. This sunshine boy isn't without shadow, driven to offset his brothers' misdeeds, for sure. But Rem, I think, is a stronger guide in how Vash lives his life. He doesn't do it for the glory, it's simply what must be done. He certainly doesn't go looking for trouble the way a Gryffindor might. It just finds him and he tries to resolve it as amicably as possible with a moral compass always pointing due North.

Nicholas D. Wolfwood (Trigun) - SLYTHERIN. Hat's barely rested upon his head and definitively we know that Nicky D will do whatever's needed to get his desired end. Not saying Vash won't make him question himself but, ultimately, Nicholas will do what Vash can't. His morality rests upon a razor's edge and he's learned that the only way to protect the people he love's are by doing the dirty work necessary. With Vash's influence, he may be tortured about it, though.

Reki Kyan (SK8 the Infinity) - Gryffindor with a strong Hufflepuff alignment (is this why Miya warms up to him?). Not only is he earnestly hardworking and kind, the glue that brings everyone together. But he's also brave, punching well above his weight class to stand up to Adam and protect Miya and, ultimately, to triumph over him because of his own brilliance and ingenuity.

Langa Hasegawa (SK8 the Infinity) - Gryffindor with a spice of Ravenclaw. ✨ Naturally skilled and adept skater (after some serious hard work as a boarder), I think Langa wouldn't have wound up pursuing skating at all had he not gotten swept up into it through the series of events as outlined. But, in the new environment, he's able to leverage his previous expertise critically and playfully and ascend to awe inspiring heights. Doesn't mean he's not still a bit of a himbo. Affectionately, Reki and Langa at their core are idiot 🤝 idiot and we love them for it.

Anon, a BL that reminds you of Reki and Langa!? Drop the rec, bestie! How could you not include? Do I need to make a rules page? Pay the troll toll, guys!

[a-student-out-of-time]

The only thing that concerns me is if Despair Time will make it past the “Great Fanganronpa Filter.”

If you are unaware of this, I tried explaining it before but Tumblr garbled my asks of it up, it’s a worrying trend I’ve noticed where Chapter 2s tend to be when most fanganronpas get cancelled. If you don’t believe me, think of all the fangans that got cancelled and the Chapter they did it.

Yep it’s Chapter 2. And since this happens so often, I’ve dubbed it the “Great Fanganronpa Filter��� based off the Great Filter which is one of the many many theories why we haven’t found life on other planets yet.

Why is it Chapter 2 seems to be like this? Well my theory is most fangan creators have a plan in mind for the Prologue and Chapter 1 and they are in the honeymoon period where everything is peachy and nice. Chapter 2 is when they start trying to introduce their themes and the honeymoon period ends and the reality of the amount of work they have to do sinks in.

Because when compared to other fanworks fanganronpas are extremely challenging to write. Not only do you need a good theme and mysteries in place, you also need to write 5-6 murder cases and on top of that you need at least 16 well thought out and complex characters. That is a lot of work and throw in any irl issues and this is why most creators cannot do it.

And given how exhausted and burns it out DT Dev is, I fear this could lead to a cancellation. I could be wrong and any fangan that goes past Chapter 3 is very likely to finish, but we are at the critical stage.

//I feel inclined to point out that, based on what they've said, it seems more like their biggest issue has been how visceral the push-back was against their story decisions in this chapter before it was even done. So many people were furious with the decision to make Ace the killer before the ending was even out and were straight up quitting DT over it.

//I'm not exempt from this, but I was more disappointed than angry until the ending came out, then that completely rectified my opinions. I admit I still have criticisms, but contrary to what numerous annoying anons have claimed, they have nothing to do with Arei's death. I'm happy she wasn't forgotten by the end.

//The biggest problems I've seen DT experience all really have more to do with how poorly the fandom treats the dev, how entitled and nasty they can get- including harassing the dev and the VAs- and how many really misconstrue the actual content of the story and demonize some characters past the point of rationality.

//If you think I'm exaggerating, TA showed me a youtube comment under one DT video from someone who believed, because Nico tried to kill Ace, they didn't deserve to have anyone use their proper pronouns. Which I understand is not indicative of the entire fanbase, but it's still disgusting and it's the sort of behavior that can't be allowed to go unaddressed.

//We had to wait 17 months for Part 2 to continue. It's already a lot of hard work, you're absolutely right, and it's probably harder because DT is a web series and not in a game engine. It's not going to come faster if all the dev gets is hate and bad behavior.

//You're right that a lot of fangans don't reach Chapter 3 for various reasons, but with something like DT, it needs even more time and more effort. We may not always agree with their story decisions, but they've admitted this is their first big writing project and it's already turned out really well if you ask me.

//The point here is, while the Great Fangan Filter is true, they should also be examined on a case-by-case basis for why they don't all make it. DT's creator is talented and skilled, but those are things that need to be fostered constructively. I sympathize with them greatly because I've faced a lot of pushback myself over the years, but I've always managed to persevere.

//If we want DT continue, and other fangans to continue at that, we need to understand that these are just really passionate people who are doing these for free so we can enjoy them. Not that it means they're above criticism, but that we shouldn't think this status means they're above decency and understanding either.

//Didn't mean to turn this into a rant, but I'm very passionate about this issue because I relate ^^;

[cornylilguy]

RP Request!

Hola! My name is Cherri and I’m looking for a partner for an X-Men rp! Some bits about me, I’m 20+, nonbinary (they/them), and neurodivergent with a very strong fixation on X-Men right now (but specifically Scott Summers, it started with him). Currently I’m trying to finish the og animated series, then move onto X-Men 97’, maybe watch the FOX X-Men movies, then maybe move onto comics if I can! But I am so into it, that I want to start an rp now and binge watch any media needed (since I’m open to working with movie lore or any TV shows like Evolution, Wolverine and the X-Men, etc). Though maybe taking some of the characterizations from those medias and combining parts we both like to make the roleplay (and of course change things later if needed)!

As you can see, I talk a lot, and like talking on Discord! Just because the server functions are super easy to use and keep track of chats. I also talk a ton OOC when I’m super excited, even if I’m a bit busy to RP. I can be a bit slow on responding due to mental health stuff and life, but I generally at max take a week or two to respond and at minimum every 2-3 days, but it can depend. Of course if it’s any longer I will give the proper heads up and tend to let someone know when I’m working on the response and give a timeline. So if you’re kinda busy and want to rp, I’m the guy for you! I don’t really know how to use Tupperware super well, so that’s not needed. And I think that’s all for that section, I hope that we become friends!

As for the rp details I’m looking for someone to play (you guessed it) Scott against my oc, and I’m good with doubling up for oc x canon or even canon x canon! I may struggle at first and be a bit self-conscious about characterization, but I’ve been told I’m not entirely bad and will do my best to work with any personal thoughts that you have! I’m open to playing anyone from the series, but feel like I’d do best with someone like Rogue, Jubilee, maybe Logan, and Kurt (except for writing out his little German boy accent, but we can discuss that); but again! I can do basically whoever with some time, feedback, and patience! Mlm, wlw, mf, or any combo of ships is totally fine as I have experience playing masc and fem characters! For the plot I have a loose idea for what I want for my pairing, backstory, the powers of my oc (but I’d like to discuss some details to not make them too op); but I’m open to really planning things out! I was looking for something very character driven, maybe focused a bit on the political drama of things (my special interest since I was twelve is leftist politics so obviously I want to work it into everything), but I’m open to AU’s or more casual settings, just nothing that’s completely slice of life focused. I need a bit of drama. Oh, and also important, I’d prefer someone to write a few paragraphs, as I can’t stand one line replies or *asterisks* for actions, looking for a more third person semi-lit novella deal.

Okay, I feel like I’ve written a TON, like way too much! If you read it all, thank you! If you had any concerns about me not writing enough, I hope that fear was quelled! And if you’re interested either like or reach out to me so we can discuss on tumblr the initial deets and switch to discord if we’re both interested!

[tenebriism]

GETTING TO KNOW YOU.

respond to the following prompts out of character. then, tag others that you'd like to get to know a little bit better!

ROLEPLAYER NAME: Christina / Tina

ROLEPLAYER PRONOUNS: She/her!

MUSE NAME: // gently gestures towards Muse List.

PREFERRED COMMUNICATION: It depends on the day. If I'm at work (which I am most of the week), I can't easily access Discord since it's blocked on the work computers and using our phones is grounds for suspension. So, as long as folks can be PATIENT and not spam me, Discord is the preferred medium. Otherwise, Tumblr IMs are okay, too!

EXPERIENCE: I've been writing pretty much all my life, but on Tumblr, I'd say I've been here... almost 10 years, if I've not already reached a decade?

PREFERRED ROLEPLAY TYPE: I adore fluff mainly. Too much angst makes things feel forced, and I don't like writing strictly negativity or tense situations. It's just not realistic, no matter how tragic a character's life/backstory is. I love fluffy interactions, I love writing domestic moments, and I love writing big developments. Moments that kind of... shift the dynamic and the world we're building together.

PET PEEVES & DEALBREAKERS:

People who are always negative, or who take things so personally to the point it becomes ridiculous. Vague posting, constant complaining, whining, etc... it gets to be too much sometimes, especially if it's untagged. We're here to write and to bond and vibe; how people manage to add melodramatics and high school drama to this, too, is beyond my realm of understanding.

Making big ship/dynamic decisions without asking me first. There's a difference between something being a surprise (like a marriage proposal), and just flat out moving forward with a big plot point without coming to me to see if I'm okay with it, because my muse(s) very well might not be, and I won't hesitate to state this (it kills the motivation, honestly). Roleplaying involves two, sometimes more people; this isn't a fanfiction, so all parties involved should be considered. Some of my muses don't want children, some of my muses aren't okay with sex, etc, etc. Communication, folks. It's not that hard, and most of the time, I'll be okay with it! Just ask first.

Constantly making blogs for muses and then abandoning said blogs, or remaking blogs multiple times a year. It's okay to want a fresh start from time to time, or to want to pick up a new muse, but I'm not about to keep switching up my tags because you need a new URL every 3 months, and I'm not gonna keep following if I notice you have a graveyard of abandoned blogs.

PLOTS OR MEMES: I'm not the BEST at plotting, especially if it's someone I've not been writing with for a long time, so honestly, memes are a bit easier for me to work off of. It gives me something to work with right from the start, and we can build from there and mold it as we go.

LONG REPLIES OR SHORT REPLIES: It depends on my motivation. I tend to take a very long time with my lengthier threads, so I like to balance it out with shorter threads, here and there, just to keep the muse flowing.

BEST TIME TO WRITE: Motivation tends to hit while I'm at work, annoyingly enough, but typically, late at night works best for me. It's when I'm most active, since I literally stay up all night, lmfao.

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSES: Some of them, yes. Others? Not even remotely close.

tagged by: @serabellyms ;; Thanks, hun! tagging: @hyaciiintho, @ironbloodcd , @box-of-characters , @seeasunset , @r3ys-malt3s3 , @mystiic , @inyvat , and anyone else this may interest!

[voidtouched-blue]

Taking a break from moving things to pop in with an irl update under the cut! It's rather personal, and I wanted to leave the option of y'all skipping out on reading it if you don't care (which I don't expect anyone to, just offering an option).

I'm 5 months pregnant!

I've been holding off on sharing this information online because it's my life and I don't really want to share too much info. But, aside from spending the next two weeks moving and organizing things in our new home, I figured that it's about time I share this!

What does this mean?

Once I reach the final trimester, it's likely I won't have the energy to really put into writing, and once the child arrives, I will likely be highly selective with who I reply to. I tend to prioritize threads that either interest me and have well-thought out plot, or all things FFXIV related because I spend most of my brain time in the 14 universe. BUT, it does not mean that we can't plot or plan new threads. I know real life takes priority, and by no means do I want anyone feeling like they need to rush to reply to me. I just want everyone to be aware that I may not be working as quickly as I have in the past.

This will likely be my only irl update on my pregnancy until the goblin emerges (I absolutely will not be sharing pictures), but I felt like it was finally time to share. :)

I also was approved by my doctors to go back on my ADHD medications, so I'll have more brain space and energy to be putting into my replies! I have been feeling so out of it for the last five months that even thinking about writing would stress me out. It also means that I'll be getting back to doing artwork! I have a backlog of commissions I haven't been able to touch, and I'm excited to be working on those again. I miss all of my creative projects, and I miss my small circle of RP peoples here on Tumblr.

If you made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read through it all. I look forward to writing again with everyone! If you want to start new threads, feel free to hit me up! I love plotting!

[ultfan]

𝐀   𝐇𝐎𝐏𝐄𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐒   𝐄𝐗𝐏𝐋𝐎𝐑𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍   𝐎𝐅 : a s̴l̴o̴w̴l̴y̴ ̴ ̴ ̴d̴e̴t̴e̴r̴i̴o̴r̴a̴t̴i̴n̴g̴ mind and body, existing as merely 𝓪 𝓼𝓽𝓮𝓹𝓹𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓼𝓽𝓸𝓷𝓮, the way insanely good luck breaks someone, valuing your ideologies over human life, doing the wrong thing with 𝑔𝑜𝑜𝒹 𝒾𝓃𝓉𝑒𝓃𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃𝓈, betting everything on 𝒽𝑜𝓅𝑒, having little self worth, and living a life of hypocrisy and contradiction. (carrd. / icon border credit.)

 ind. pri. sel. nagito komaeda of danganronpa 2 and ultra despair girls danganropa 2.5 and 3 aren't real to me.

inbox: 055 drafts: 051 starters: 000

CONTENT WARNING : komaeda is diagnosed with  frontotemporal dementia (behavioral variant)  as well as  stage three malignant lymphoma. i  do  tag them when they're brought up  explicitly  as a core part of what i'm writing — so you don’t have to worry about  in-depth stuff  appearing on your dash if you have the tags blocked, but i can't  completely  separate him from his symptoms and may make vague, non-specific allusions to them. i can' t just tag every single one of my threads. that aside, various other triggering themes appear in danganronpa: body horror, murder, self-harm, suicide, terrorism, and things of a similar theme. if there's something specific you need me to tag please let me know.

when there are too many triggers to realistically tag i will use the blanket tag “#despair tw” and place the thread under a readmore. read at your own risk.

(trigger tag: #trigger tw)

GUIDELINES :

i. treat me how you want to be treated. let's be kind, respectful, and communicate like adults if there are any problems. i like to think i'm a pretty reasonable and approachable person, so please don't be afraid to reach out to me. i'm just here to have fun. this blog isn't affiliated with anyone and is private/selective, meaning i only roleplay with mutuals and don't follow for follow. please respect that. i'm mostly trying not to overwhelm myself. also, if i follow you it means i want to interact, plain and simple. if you don't follow back in a week i'll usually just unfollow by then to keep my dash clean.

ii. while i do think it's good to call out actively harmful people (groomers, manipulators, abusers, etc.) i find a lot of call out posts on tumblr tend to be more along the lines of "i don't personally get along with/agree with this person so i'm going to slander them." for that reason i do often separate myself from call out culture and the drama that surrounds it. please don't drag me into it, i can make judgements of people's character on my own. i also don't care to police the kind of things people write. if i'm uncomfortable with certain topics i'll just block the tags and not engage with it. you do you, i'll do me. i'm an adult. i really don't care to get involved in debates like that.

iii. nagito komaeda is an antagonist first and foremost in my mind. he will be someone who causes problems. rude, obsessive, judgmental, and dangerous. i do not condone any of his actions nor agree with the way he views the world. he is not a good person. and i'm sick of how the fandom babies him. yes, his character has a lot of tragic elements, but that doesn't mean he's just "a misunderstood little guy." even when he had his memories erased he still had that fucked up view of hope/human value and was even willing to attempt a murder without hesitation. he's just like this!

iv. komaeda is of age, 20-22, in the majority of my verses. he is canonically an adult— and given i am of age as well you can expect nsfw content (including smut) on this blog. i refuse to write those topics with underaged muses. and i won't follow underaged muns in general because of the potential content on this blog. smut threads will be tagged "#nsft tw". HOWEVER. i have to say this now: i absolutely hate with all of my being how the fandom has fetishized the hell out of komaeda and made him into this weird, blushy, drooling sex fiend who nuts over hope in so many fics/fanart. do not expect me to write him like that.

v. i am a full time college student and do not have time to be terminally online. be patient with me. this is just a hobby. if you have any questions please just send them my way.

[cloudsandcrescents]

What’s your publishing schedule looking like?

That’s a great question. I have no clue (kidding but also not?)

Kidding…not kidding lol…send help pls. But seriously.

Rough Schedule (As it Stands)

I’m currently working on a follow up to Relinquish that sort of fell by the wayside. That is nearly done (75-80%) and it will be up before the end of week (ideally today or tomorrow). This will just be added as a second chapter to the original.

Leather Black I’m actually planning to post more frequently on because that’s meant to be a short series similar to how I did Empty Rooms. I’m planning to resume updates for that this week/weekend with weekly updates but will ideally be more like every 2-3 days depending on my schedule. I really like this one so I’m eager to update for it but I think I just started tackling it at a time where there was a lot going on in my personal life that messed up my schedule quite a bit.

After Hours is reaching its end with maybe another 2-3 chapters (the last likely being an epilogue) so I’m trying to wrap it up by getting back to (at minimum) a biweekly update schedule. Max I’m giving myself to finish is through end of January since that’s around when I first started it. Should have an update to this by the end of next week.

Similar to After Hours, I intend to wrap up Promise Me very soon as well with, likely, another 2-3 chapters. The alternating updates really worked well for me as I would just toggle between which one was the previously updated fic. (Unrelated) Promise Me I’ve actually been debating on because I already set the layout for a sequel in my head. I was thinking about whether I wanted to just keep it going or create a separate fic for it and right now I feel like the latter so we’re surprisingly wrapping that up soon. Should have an update on this in about two weeks if not sooner.

I want to lighten the load before I tackle anything further so I think this is the point where I kind of stop the addition of any new fics until I get a better handle on my current WIP. That said, I most likely won’t be updating Hour of Need or When We Serve until I finish After Hours and Promise Me. Encore is there as well though I’m feeling a little iffy on whether or not I want to come back to that but we’ll see. HoN and WWS will likely follow the pattern of alternating biweekly or even weekly updates between the two once After Hours and Promise Me are done. We’re going to give these a hopeful return in early February but may come sooner.

I’ve gotten several Tumblr requests in my asks that I do see and will definitely get too. I have a tendency to overload myself and I’m very susceptible to burnout so those are just a little behind but I’m hoping to add a few into my update schedule resuming in Mid-Jan/Early-Feb if not sooner once I wrap up Leather Black and my other two bigger fics.

As always, thank you everyone for being so patient with me. I hope that I’m fortunate enough where I can eventually just write for a living and just play with words all day. Until then, I most resume my normal day to day life which isn’t nearly as exciting but keeps me equally busy. I write most of my fics on my phone but also try to sit at my computer to write which tends to motivate me more. Unfortunately, my computer has been inoperable for a few months now as I’ll likely need to replace the CPU I’m pretty sure I broke lol. It’s had to take a backseat to a few other things but I’m planning to get a replacement in mid January and hopefully that’ll help with a lot with my productivity.

I hope this provides anyone looking for their particular favorite of my works, a bit of relief knowing that updates are coming soon. Thank you all for being the best part of getting to do this, truly. 🩵

[boombambaby]

The Emperor's Decrees;

Rules to live by if you wish to interact with everyone's favorite, most handsome Disney Princess Emperor!

PORTRAYAL: I play Kuzco as close to canon as possible, following the events of both the movie & the television show. He is based off of the idea that after the events of the movie, Yzma altered documents stating that unless Kuzco took a bride, or earned an education he would not be fit to become Emperor in a bid to take over the throne once more. He was subsequently booted out of the palace & into school to earn a proper education amongst peasants his own age. My portrayal takes place after his graduation & reclaiming the throne but I am very comfortable jumping around to just about any point in his story. Let me know what you prefer, or if you’re only familiar with the movie & I’ll be happy to work around it!

SHIPPING; This account is multi-ship. I’m all for shipping & developing a relationship between characters, but I’m a big believer in allowing that relationship to develop organically. I prefer for it to happen over the course of our story-lines, after chemistry builds up.

MAINS; I will have mains, & am looking for any & all connections from The Emperor’s New Groove/School franchise! I am always open to the possibility of building up relationships, & am looking for mains from any & all other verses as well. MUN: Mun is 21+ & will NOT write with anyone under the age of 21. 

Mun also has a life outside of roleplay, with a full time career & is not available 24/7 to write, as unfortunate as that may be. I may choose to be selective & only reply to certain people at certain times, it’s nothing against you! It may just be that I can’t concentrate on something longer at the moment, or that I have muse for a certain SL. Please do not be offended by it.

Real life will always come first & foremost to me, & I will NEVER rush or heckle anyone for replies. I would hope for the same respect & treatment from you! I DO NOT & will NEVER tolerate hate or drama under any circumstances. Leave me out of it. PERSONAL BLOGS; I welcome anyone & everyone to follow me, but I will only interact with roleplay blogs. To keep my dash clean since I’m still trying to get used to Tumblr, I will not follow personal blogs back.

DM’S/DISCORD; My DM’s are always open for my mutuals, & my INBOX is open for everyone else! Please do not ever hesitate to shoot me a message or an ask & I’ll do my best to reply in a timely manner! Discord is available for plotting & banter as well, just shoot me a DM to ask for it! 

DARK/MATURE/NSFW;  I’m open to all themes including Mature, Fantasy, NSFW, Horror etc. For mature, NSFW or horror roleplay, I’d like to discuss the storyline first! I do not tend to write NSFW very often but if it comes up organically in a SL I do not have an issue with it.

TRIGGERS; I personally do not have any RP triggers, but if you do please feel free to reach out & let me know so I can tag them accordingly! WRITING; My favored style of writing is multi-para, but I’ve been known to slip into novella pretty easily when trying to describe a scene & character actions in detail.  I’m also a HUGE fan of banter! It’s a great way to develop a character, & to break the ice with other characters as well. Please don’t ever hesitate to tag me in random banter, or a meme or anything, honestly. I live for that kind of thing.

MIRRORED WRITING: Please do not ever feel the need to match my writing style or length, I tend to get excited & ramble which can lead a banter into a novella pretty easily. Likewise, I will try to mirror your writing detail the best I can to make things easier for us both!

GODMODDING; This should be obvious, but I do not condone god-modding or character control of any kind. You control your character, & I will control mine. If a plot calls for the use of mind control or some other similar thing, I would like to discuss it ahead of time.

OOC; Will update & fix this up better later.

[voredere]

Hey, I saw your blazed post and didn't know there were npd subtypes. If it isn't too much trouble would you be able to explain at least the basics of them or link to something that does. I know Google is free and all but npd is one of those things it never feels safe to search for info on.

Sure thing! Hang on i'm rewriting this because tumblr crashed.

keep in mind i'm just an educated autistic cluster C-- any NPD havers are welcome to chime in.

All subtypes also have maladaptive and adaptive presentations, but so does every mental disorder. Keep in mind the maladaptive presentation is not necessarily the most common or a Norm.

the first subtype is Grandiose/Overt, and it's the most recognisable by laymen.

"

A 2018 review in Psychologyexplained that grandiose narcissists could also be either "adaptive" or "maladaptive," depending on which traits they display the most or at a given time.

Adaptive narcissists build up their self-esteem to protect themselves from being hurt by others. "These individuals tend to be more successful in life than the majority of the population because they strive to be more attractive, healthier, and more successful versions of themselves," said Hokemeyer.

They can also be friendly, warm, persuasive, and have real leadership qualities. But, according to the Psychology review, maladaptive narcissists don't have such sunny intentions—they're willing to exploit others to get ahead and feel entitled to do so." It is notable in my opinion that this subtype can and often does turn into Vulnerable subtype if the sufferer is exposed to enough trauma or criticism. This subtype is particularly known for comorbid PPD, ASPD, substance abuse, and avoidant features. This may be a major cause of this subtype being least likely to seek and receive help, and may contribute to maladaptive presentations: for example they may feel paranoid that others are manipulating them, or may not be able to quickly adapt to standardised rules and morality without some help. they may fear seeking help, or they may become more unstable due to self-medication.

the second is vulnerable/fragile subtype! this one is, to my knowledge, the most common subtype.

"Vulnerable narcissists are insecure, introverted, and have low self-esteem—"someone who thinks they deserve special treatment but isn't aggressive in getting their needs met," said Campbell.

Although they fantasize about success and want other people to admire them, so they feel better about themselves, according to the Frontiers study, vulnerable narcissists are passive and withdrawn, which makes reaching their goals a tough sell." The article goes on to mention Maladaptive presentation, "They may resort to being manipulative and passive-aggressive to hurt others because they can't achieve the admiration they crave.", however it is also notable this subtype is the most likely of the three to attempt suicide and the most likely to seek treatment. this subtype is prone to avoidant and dependent features as well as general anxiety.

The third is called Exhibitionist or High functioning (wild name i know). It's called as such because it's often difficult for others to spot, and often presents in an adaptive fashion. people with this subtype are prone to histrionic features and may be hypersexual and/or attention seeking. because this subtype is rarely recognised, it's also rarely treated. people with this subtype seem to be prone to comorbid OCD and OCPD.

there are more subtypes, but these three are the most commonly agreed on. none are formally recognised by t DSM5, but are regularly used in treatment plans and case studies.

sources:

subtypes

xxx

xxx

xxx

suicide (note: i mentioned BPD in my original post because these explicitely compare the two, likely due to BPD being known for a high risk of suicide)

xxx

xxx

bonus source on the link between NPD and trauma

xxx

I hope this was helpful, and again anyone with NPD is welcome to make corrections.

[dissociativediscourse]

Hello! This is a question regarding complex childhood trauma and how it could lead to CDDs-

So, background info, I’ve been questioning whether or not I’m a system for a while. Other people have also basically gone ‘🤨’ at me and have told me that my experiences seem rather similar to OSDD. I may quote someone as saying ‘yeah that’s some OSDD shit’. Includinggg one Dxed DID system. Which is. Hm!

It’s gotten to where the woman doing my intake appointment for my college counseling sessions has suspected me of it. (Though I wouldn’t call them… the MOST ah, experienced institution for it considering a lot of their knowledge is from one 1-week seminar that was done last year)

One thing that I tend to get hung up on is what exactly my trauma was to cause this, or at least a level of dissociation to resemble a CDD at all.

Now, I know that it’s not the best idea to go digging for trauma, but I’m a very curious person at heart, and it’s less digging up memories and more ‘which already known memory or events could have caused this?’

One of my leading hypotheses is: literally just having untreated generalized anxiety disorder through my WHOLE childhood. It’s genetic so it was there biting my ass the whole time.

This does beg the question; CAN such a thing cause a CDD or CDD-presenting symptoms?

I’ve heard that it’s chronic trauma, or repeat chronic stressors that lead to the development of CDDs. A sort of constant fight or flight mode.

What’s fucky about GAD is that it can give ya that shit for free! No outside stressors needed!

Note that, like disorders do, my GAD is far greater in severity now than it was in my childhood, but my example still stands…

TLDR: could someone develop a CDD from untreated childhood generalized anxiety disorder while having a pretty good life otherwise, because generalized anxiety can mayhaps ‘substitute’ for a stressful environment in childhood with its own, shall I say, ‘home-grown’ stress? Could just having a genetic anxiety disorder throughout childhood lead to such stress as to cause dissociation to cope with it?

Are there any studies on this? If not, anybody wanna do a study? I think people should do studies more, they can be fun to do. But not tumblr poll studies, like, actual research paper studies. With annotated bibliographies and statistical significance and all that fancy stuff.

(Additional thing: I really feel people underestimate how Fucked GAD can be as a disorder. It can fuck up your cardiovascular system! It can give you HEART PROBLEMS just because heehoo adrenaline glands go brr! No major panic attacks needed, even! Just chronic stress alone!)

I’m going to first link you to my most recent ask so that I don’t have to repeat the same things over and over. https://www.tumblr.com/dissociativediscourse/715062976412073984/hello-i-made-a-post-reaching-out-to-the-plural

And then, I’m going to restate something: I can’t diagnose you. I don’t diagnose people, and neither should anyone else on Tumblr or IRL (that isn’t a licensed professional). The words of others that say you have Vibes really don’t matter that much in the big picture because whether they have it or not or have been through a one week seminar or not, they aren’t professionals and have not been trained to spot it and diagnose it and treat it, and that’s kind of the deal with that.

Secondly, I want you to know that I’m not trying to invalidate you or say that you’re wrong or anything like that… But there are a few things I have to point out.

One of those is that a huge part of DID is disorganized attachment/lack of a trustworthy caregiver/inability to receive comfort from trauma/lack of a safe place. As well, your brain can’t traumatize itself to the point of developing a CDD. This is an immutable fact, no matter what disorder is involved. GAD alone cannot and will not ever be able to cause DID, nor will any other disorder. The question isn’t “was this traumatic”. It is “Did this disrupt this child’s brain development repeatedly in a way that would result in a CDD?”.

GAD is stressful, but it would need a few extra steps from the outside to cause a CDD to form.

Now, I don’t know whether or not those happened. And if you don’t, you shouldn’t go digging at this point. You should honestly take the advice that I linked to in the last ask. Get help, and start working on symptom management. Because it doesn’t matter whether or not you have a dissociative disorder as much as it matters that you’re okay. If you need help, you deserve it. And you deserve help that works for you. The whole point of a diagnosis is to allow you get the right help and be as safe and happy as possible.

I don’t know anything about your childhood besides what you’ve told me, so that’s about as far as my advice goes. But if you do one thing, please, *please* read the post I linked, because that’s the best starting point I can offer.

[e1ectrostatic]

30 Day Fictionkind Challenge Day 12

Q: Have you ever met canonmates? In real life or online? How did it go?

A: If I’m not misreading the question, no. Not in real life or online, and I doubt I ever will.

I’m not super sure if "canonmates” in this question just means sourcemates (fictionkin of characters from the same source/media, shared experiences may vary) or if it straight up means canonmates (fictionkin from not only the same source, but also the exact same “universe” or “canon” you lived through, however you prefer to spin it). Since the Q&A doesn’t seem to have a regular old sourcemate question, I’ll just answer for both right here because I love rambling ^_^

Going off of the literal meaning (and most likely what the question actually means), no. Imo, the possibility is highly unlikely. What are the odds of me ever encountering someone that lived in the exact same Manor that I did? That’s such a hyper-specific instance in time, and the life I’m living here on this Earth right now is an equally hyper-specific instance in time. I mean, I don’t doubt all possibility of it, but chances are less than one in a billion, I’d say. I don’t know where all the people and entities I used to know are now, but I can only assume they’ve either ended up elsewhere in the vast sea of universes or have moved on from existence entirely. Maybe it’d be for the best that I never meet a canonmate. I wouldn’t consider myself exactly well-liked back then, and even if it was someone I did get along with, who knows how we’d get along now? Maybe it would be better if my canonmates remained at peace with their memories of me rather than risk getting disappointed by or clashing with my current iteration. But hey, maybe I’ll get proven wrong one day. If not in this life, in another one.

Going off of just sourcemates though, well...this is embarrassing, but it’s still largely no. I’ve see a few here and there, but have never actually had a conversation with one. Honestly, it’s rare for me to encounter a sourcemate, especially on Tumblr, and due to being more reserved, I tend to not reach out. I’ve seen a little more sourcemates on Twitter, but the culture over there honestly doesn’t do it for me. Not to mention the general misinformation and shift in terminology that has been damaging the fictionkin community over the past while, which has made it hard for me to determine whether someone is actually kin in the same way that I am, or if they would think I’m “too serious”.

The one exception I can think of is my boyfriend, who I currently share two sources with. In regards to one of those sources, we actually both remember having been in an established relationship with each other’s kintypes in our respective canons. We met irl a long time ago and our experiences as fictionkin are intertwined with each other in some respects because we spend so much time together. It’s been a treat to experience this journey together with them, both on and offline.

Still, I’m never without hope that I’ll get to properly meet new sourcemates someday.

(If anyone who shares my source happens to see this, hi I’m Luca B., I’d love to chat. Don’t hesitate to shoot me an ask or DM :].)

[clovariia]

here’s my 2022 art summary! thank you for all the support, everyone! happy new year! 🥳♥

i’ll self-indulgently ramble about my thoughts on the year under the cut!

so..........2022. i feel like i have more thoughts about the year than i usually do. i’m not even sure where to start with this because there’s just so many!!! a lot of personal things happened this year, but that included some really good ones. i think 2022 might’ve been the best year ever for me, which is super awesome!!!!!!

i started the year by FINALLY doing something about my mental health issues. i finally got things diagnosed, got counseling, and got meds. this was the best choice i’ve ever made. it totally transformed my life and made me an entirely new person...or maybe, it finally made me able to show the person who’s been buried under the layers of depression and anxiety all this time. if you’re considering doing something similar with your own life next year, DO IT!!! it’s so important to get the help you need!!!

in may, i impulsively decided to start sharing my art and writing online again. i guess it wasn’t THAT impulsive, because it’s something i’ve fantasized about doing for a very long time...but actually DOING IT felt impossible for so long. for more context, i had an art account on instagram back in middle school/early high school. it never went very far and even though i had some good experiences from it, it ended up making me feel insecure too. i wasn’t in a position where i could comfortably share my stuff yet. ever since i stopped posting on there, i’ve barely shared the stuff i make with anyone — even most of my friends had hardly seen any of my art or writing before. making these new art accounts on twitter and tumblr was a huge step for me.

one of the main issues i’ve been lectured for a lot in counseling is that i consistently and stubbornly refuse to let myself share my opinions, thoughts, and interests. i tend to hide everything i care about into a little box in my mind, like i’m trying to protect it from the outside world and any potential judgment. it’s probably due to a mixture of neurodivergency and anxiety. i still bury my thoughts a lot, but these art accounts were a MASSIVE step forward for me. i finally started sharing something i consider to be very vulnerable — my interest in cartoons — with other people again. i didn’t even talk to my friends about it before i made these accounts. i just silently lurked in fandoms, wishing i could reach out to these people who were like me, but i never let myself until this year.

the owl house episode king’s tide airing was a big turning point for me. it was shortly after i made my art accounts, and it really made something SHIFT in my mind. i got filled with so much creative inspiration and i managed to WRITE something again! “a rainy night” was my first toh fic and the first cartoon fic i actually let myself finish. sharing it was terrifying and thrilling, and it marked a new beginning for me. people ENJOYED what i was making for this interest i’ve been hiding for so long! people SUPPORTED my self-indulgence! it was so exciting and such a relief. for the people who have been around since the early stages of my account: thank you for the support. half my motivation to keep writing comes from how kind everyone has been about my work.

i got really fixated on hexsquad thanks to king’s tide (although that was brewing in my head even before they all interacted as a group of five in canon, tbh) and they gave me the most creative energy i’ve had in years. i went from having both writer’s block and art block to writing AND drawing on a basically daily basis, and that makes me SO HAPPY!!! having writer’s block since around 2019 was horrible, and i’m so relieved to finally be free of it again. it’s so nice to do stuff with my biggest passion again. i missed writing SO MUCH. it’s helped me process some personal issues a lot, and i’m really glad that i have that outlet for my feelings again.

besides my own personal projects, i helped mod four seasons: a huntlow zine! i also contributed art and a fic. i got involved in this project in may, shortly before i made my art accounts. i applied to be the beta reader mod SUPER impulsively and made my first connections in the toh fandom through it. later on, i eventually became an organizer mod and helped out with the social media too. i could say SO MUCH about the huntlow zine. i’ve wanted to be a part of zines for so many years, it’s always been a major goal, so i’m really proud of myself for finally doing that year! i’m so grateful that the other mods took a chance on my total nobody self and let me join the mod team. the huntlow zine was one of the main things that defined my 2022, and i hold it very close to my heart for being the thing that got me to start sharing my work again. i met so many incredibly kind and talented people through it, and even some members of the toh crew saw the zine when it came out!!! going from hiding all my interests for years to having the crew of the series i love so much support my work was SO EXCITING!!!!!!!!!!! truly a highlight of the year!!!

besides the huntlow zine, i was also a part of the hexes and o’s zine! i contributed a fic and a doodle. it got completed before the huntlow zine did, so it was the first time i got to see my work in a zine. the day i got sent the finished zine pdf and got to see my writing in such beautiful fancy formatting, alongside everyone else’s pretty pieces, was another highlight of the year. it kind of made me think, “oh man...i finally made it” HAHA!!! i finally accomplished my goal of being in a zine!! it was such a wonderful experience and the entire mod team was so supportive and sweet. i’m so grateful that i got to be a part of it.

for other fandom-related projects from 2022, i got accepted to the toh grimoire zine! i’ve been working on my fic for it and i’m super excited to see how this project turns out! it’s such an honor!

as for stuff that didn’t require applications, i participated in the amphibia tribute zine! it’s not publicly released yet, but the wip version is beautiful! i’m excited to share my piece for it eventually! i also contributed art to the toh tarot card collab on twitter with a bunch of my mutuals, which was really fun too! thank you for the patience throughout the physical health issues i had this autumn! i also wrote a fic for the hexes and o’s secret santa event! it was so much fun to participate in a fandom secret santa for the first time! i definitely want to do more of them in the future!

some other misc things i want to mention from this year include:

i made four animatics and finally shared the ones i made in 2021 too! i hope to complete more in 2023!

i completed a fic with multiple chapters for the first time in SO MANY YEARS...thank you for the support on willow’s summer scrapbook! hopefully i can do more stuff like this in 2023!

i wrote a oneshot for each day of huntlow week!!! i’m so proud of myself for managing to do that!!!!! i’ve never completed an entire ship week before!

besides huntlow week, i also wrote a fic for gustholomule week, drew something for raeda week, and drew something for lumity’s anniversary...so you can count that as my contribution to lumity week, i guess. ship weeks are so much fun, hopefully i can participate in more of them next year!

i also want to share my current ao3 statistics from 2021, 2022, and overall.

it’s really interesting to compare all of these. these numbers aren’t entirely accurate because there’s stuff i haven’t posted/never finished, but it’s a good enough indication of my progress with writing this year. i wrote over 100k words!!!!!!!!! THAT’S SO INSANE!!! I’M SO PROUD OF MYSELF FOR THAT!!! my past self would’ve never imagined this!!! i wonder what these numbers will look like by the end of 2023?

for 2023...my main hope is to just keep this momentum from 2022 going. i have some personal goals too (and some personal accomplishments i didn’t mention in this post) but my art/writing resolutions for 2023 are:

finish making my hexsquad solo animatics

start my big multichapter post-canon au toh fic after the show ends (i’ve already been working on planning that a bit)

write more multichapter fics in general

get better at replying to ao3 comments quickly...oops

write more stuff for my non-toh fandoms, especially amphibia!!!

get better at procreate (i still only use it for doodling...oh yeah, buying myself an ipad and procreate was another highlight of 2022!)

do at least one piece of colored digital art a month

write more consistently...develop better habits with that. i’m hoping to prioritize writing more than art in 2023, but we’ll see what happens.

maybe start doing more with this tumblr blog (posting meta analysis stuff, maybe?) and my new art instagram? i only made my art instagram as a backup to follow my mutuals in case twitter died (since that site has been such a mess recently) but i feel like i could find a use for it if i tried.

i’ve already rambled for long enough and i doubt anyone read this far, but if you did, thank you so much for all the support this year!!! it’s been such a huge year for me and i’m so proud of myself for the progress i’ve made in my personal life and with my hobbies!!! it wouldn’t have been possible without all the kindness people have shown me this year!

i guess the only proper way to end this post is to say HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! see you in 2023!!! 💕💕💕

[jonathandotjon]

I feel this post is something that has been a long time coming for me. I've been trying to reach this point for a long time, and I realize either I still haven't been successful in achieving it, or, it finally is so close that I realize maybe I can make it.

Moments ago, I made a tweet thread regarding my issue as fellow Christians tend to be who I interact with most on Twitter, or... was Twitter.. What I said was:

This evening, my Tues. night small group, a casual bringing of 2 Corinthians 2:5-11 in the aspect of spiritual Warfare may have been eye opening for me. My fickle mental health may be due to my inability, not in recieving forgiveness from others, but myself could be my own spiritual war. What may be a funny conclusion is tragically poetic for me. I wonder if the voices that constantly tell me that I'm not worth the air I breathe and the voices that tell me that the world would be better off if I just offed myself are demonic. By no means am I possessed, but oppressed, perhaps. The biggest challenge it seems I have faced is failing to forgive myself for things I did in my upbringing, for mistreating friends, for unbeknownst behavior towards them. Often failure in being able to control myself and my personality, or failure in controlling my emotions. Failure in dealing with habitual sin (another aspect of spiritual oppression) and especially failure in being more attuned to God and His commands. If there was a way to simply forgive myself for these shortcomings as a one time deal and be able to successfully just move on, I wouldn't hesitate to take it. Yet, it seems that there may be a bit to unpack and it may be as simple as truly forgiving what I had to deal with in IFB upbringing. The short term solution in that aspect logically seems to simply block those who would trigger feelings of resentment within me. I'm always welcoming to those who wish to reconcile from my old church, so long as they are seeking to be forgiven. I've forgiven the people, I just need to forgive the past, and in doimg so, may need to far distance myself from any reminders . In forgiving the past, maybe then I can truly be able to forgive myself. I don't know how coherent I have been here tonight, or if what I have said has made any sense. I just want to know what God's forgiveness feels like in a way where his forgiveness towards me can be reflected into my own sense of self-worth... if that makes sense.

In trying to further break down this and the plethora of emotions I am just, oh so privileged to deal with, there are a few things I want to lay out first.

I am not seeking pity

I am not seeking sympathy or empathy

I am not seeking to vampirize anyone's positivity

I am especially not seeking, or at least trying not to seek anyone's attention away from what's important in their own lives

Because I use Tumblr as a personal blog to chronicle my own deepest thoughts and to make attempts to self-reflect, I see it as a safe place to freely write and anyone I would share it with is someone who I've put a lot of trust in. I do not endorse Tumblr per se, I just see it as a great tool for this.

------

I've made it no secret to those who know me that I deal with mental health issues ranging from ADHD and OCD to less complex issues like depression and anxiety. What I am not always open about is that I have had some brief speculations at times of possibly being on the spectrum but I don't have sufficient evidence or reason to believe at this time that I am. I also think there are possibilities of religious induced PTSD, but I do not claim that this is actual fact.

In writing what I did on Twitter, what has really begun to reach out to me are the different aspects of what I deal with mentally and the simple conclusion is that I've failed in being able to forgive myself for the past or current repeated failures of my life. It's easy to forgive others because you aren't them but it's difficult to forgive yourself because you know who you are.

I strongly believe that the constant feeling of loneliness I deal with honestly comes from the demonic influence I've probably allowed unknowingly into my life. There is an aspect of my personality I truly despise which is what I believe to be an obnoxious level of extroversion. And honestly, I'm believing the only way in being able to grow is through self-forgiveness. The goal is not to make myself an introvert, but in at least walking the gray line where either or is comfortable; the silence of others does not have to be scary.

A moment of vulnerability I need to come to terms with, when you repeatedly have to fight, as most Western men, the battle with pornography addiction, the sense of self can become highly degraded. Habitual sin, though mine is repentent, is exactly what the enemy wants and if one is caught believing he cannot forgive himself, the offense logically will only be repeated. Those dealing through this tend to question themselves.

Not everything negative I deal with is entirely the product of self-unforgiveness, but it's probably the biggest battle I'm going to have to fight. Maybe the head of my issues?

I did mention that I do fight with mental health disorders and those are legitimate. The endocrine system as well as the brain are still subject to problems as every other organ of the body is and invalidating mental health as just spiritual attack is a tactic only scumbag or misinformed Christians adhere to. Yet, my argument is more so on the basis of if some issues are because of surrendered ground to the darkness. There can be so many different avenues to approach from, and every case if different, and should be treated individually. For me, I just believe that after taking medication and it not working as it supposedly should, my own issues could be more of my own spirit being in constant Warfare.

There's too much for me to go back and feel the need to edit this. It's 3:33 AM upon writing this paragraph and I want sleep. As I said in my thread, I hope I made sense and was coherent. To those I have wronged in my own wrongdoing towards myself, I am sorry, and I ask that you would forgive me. I ask for prayers that I'd have a sense of God's grace in being able to forgive myself.

I'm just sick of all the bullshit in life and honestly, Christ who is in me, He rightfully deserves all of my shit back.