#They just happen to me all over again.
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#Vent ahead#vent#vent tw#I made a report against my ex. And nothing happened so I made a report about the report with the higher authority.#And the people in the higher authority have been so lovely. I truly believe we will change processes for the better.#But I'm so tired of this.#They just happen to me all over again.#Every single time.#I am nothing like I was when I left. I am nothing like I was when I was with them. Nothing is the same.#I am an adult now and I work full time and I have moved out.#I just spent an hour on the phone discussing the report about the report not getting handled appropriately.#I spent two to three hours after that making an email with all the evidence for it written down.#I am doing none of this for personal justice it's all for the others who might also be being abused.#I am doing this for those who can't. Because I can.#I'm an adult I'm articulate I can fight for myself and others.#But gods if I'm not that kid in his car again downing half a bottle of whiskey.#I need a drink#tw alcoholism#tw abuse
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Sometimes at work it's not my place to tell people the things I want to say, and I find I often go home at the end of the rougher days to stand blankly in my shower and tell myself over and over what I wish I could pass on.
This accomplishes very little, and mostly just gives me a tension headache, but through it all I think I've narrowed myself down to a few solid things I'd like to tell people the most.
You can't change people. Not permanently, not for anythig. You can support them, encourage them, love them, give them tools and opportunities and resources, but you can't make them change. They can change themselves if they want to, but they have to want to, and they have to want it for themselves, because they're the only one that's certain to be with them forever.
For better or worse, you make your own choices, and blaming bad choices on others doesn't only work to absolve you of responsibility- it also robs you of control. Because if you say you only did something because I did something, then you arent only shifting blame- you're admitting that you cannot control yourself, that you cannot truly make choices for yourself, that other people can control you- and as long as you truly beleive that, you'll keep facing the same problems over and over. You'll keep letting others dictate your choices, because you'll beleive that they can, and you'll never be free.
White knights on horseback are from fairytales. Nobody can help you if ou're not willing to help yourself. To try, to put the dirty work in, to belive you're worth that effort- Act as though nobody is coming to save you. From a struggle, from pain, from bad relationships, from yourself. And when you do save yourself, because you will, because failure here isn't an option if you want to survive, you'll never find another dragon that can keep you prisoner.
Don't say anything to anyone that you wouldn't want them remembering forever.
Doing the right thing in bad circumstances is hard. It's the hardest thing. But if you make the choice to do that hard thing anyways, despite your fear, you'll go on the rest of your like knowing that you're the sort of person who did something.
The present only seems the hardest because the past I over and the future hasn't happened.
There's so much joy ahead of you, the kind you can't possibly understand until you see it yourself.
The responsibility of consequences is often disguised as the power of permission. "I won't do this if you help me", "I'll work on my anger if you do this for me", "I promised you I'd quit, but can I have just one?". The unspoken question is, "Can it be your fault if this goes badly?"
You cant make someone love you the way you need to be loved. Someone can love you very much and still be bad for you, even if you love them very much in return. Two people can love each other very, very much, and try their very best, and still be wrong for each other.
Sometimes being near to someone changes you, even in good ways, and the people you become don't fit together as well as the people you were.
Caring takes work. Even if it's real. Especially if it's real. And the most important gestures aren't the grand, poetic, songs-and-flowers-and-tears moments; they're getting out of bed even though you don't want to. Paying attention to things you don't enjoy. Scrubbing pans, or opening a window, saying "thank-you", or helping carry groceries into the house. The small things fill the big things- without the small, boring, mediocre things, big things feel hollow.
Thrre is honour and dignity in humble work.
If you are a cruel and spiteful person, then you will find every place you visit to be full of the same cruel, spiteful people. This is not because the world is as cruel as you, but because everywhere you are, you will be disliked. This is the curse that comes with being persistently cruel and spiteful.
If you are a kind and ppsitive person, you will repeatedly encounter kind and positive people, because as they grow familiar with you, they will be happier to have you near. This is the reward of being a kind and positive person.
When splitting paths with loved ones, briefly or forever, aim for your last words to always be "I love you".
#I'm still so young and ignorant#but I wish someone had told ME these things before I had to learn them#And now when shit goes south and everything is over and calm again the same things just roll though my head#Over and over and over#It's like everyone I meet has the same 3 problems and its ruining their lives#I just want to take everyone I meet by the shoulders and shake them#I KNOW why this is happening to you#Do you realize you can be better?#Do you realize you can do it?#Aren't you terrified of wasting your life like this?#*I* want to be happier#*I* used to be so much worse than I am#And I don't have it all figured out#But if we all decide to help ourselves then it'll be that much easier to help each other#Right?#It's so hard to lift dead weight#You need to kick against the waves with me#You need to WANT to float#Do you understand#Ugh it's 6am#This has been your overdramatic midnight ramble#Imma grill me a cheese and go back to bed#Blaurfhgh
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hopeless time loop. the way out isn’t to save everyone. the way out isn’t to save even one person. the way out isn’t to change anything. the way out is accepting how it happened the first time is how it always will be. that’s how you acted, that’s how they acted, that’s how you would have acted every time if you weren’t given the curse of hindsight. the way out is accepting you can’t fix the past; you can only forgive yourself for it.
#there's this game i love called little hope that plays with these ideas (though not with a time loop)#i do love time loops narratives that explore how a person is confronted with their life and their choices#when forced to live the same day over and over again#and i LOVE time loops that try to reverse mistakes made and lives lost#but to see a character put themselves through loops upon loops upon loops#trying to rectify past mistakes (especially in the case where people died) only to be confronted with the reality it isn't working#and even in a loop where they save everyone the loop just resets#because the universe is essentially saying 'no that isn't how it happened and you know that's not how it happened'#it compels me!#i feel similarly about time travel where time 'fights back'#like this idea that there is a central timeline that time does not like being diverted from#so it will try to course correct itself#you save lincoln from an assassination only for him to die in a train crash#it's a cool way to confront the idea of fate#anyway all tragedies are hopeless time loops thank you for coming to my ted talk#a shout into the void#1k#5k#10k
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MAYA AND CARINA STATION 19: 7x10 'One Last Time'
#station 19#station19edit#station 19 spoilers#carina x maya#carina deluca#maya bishop#mine#i liked this scene and the kiss and everything#and we did get a glimpse of carina saying she was worried#but how does she not find out just how close maya was to dying??#and maya expressing how scared she was almost losing everything??#like that was such a missed opportunity IMO#and having them both at the same scene again only to not interact...like why?#its crazy to me how maya was just fine after what she went through but then andy collapsed and we didn't even see what happened to her prio#such a missed opportunity to not have carina work on maya and have her more injured later on but...story of this show's life i suppose#no sense in staying angry now when it's all over#this scene was very them and i'm glad about that
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im a child of divorce
#the bit is over when i say its over and even when its so joever for these two its not over for me!!! (once again i am on heavy copium)#anyway. thoughts behind the spoiler tags#gempearl#shiny duo#wild life smp#life series spoilers#wild life spoilers#i feel like. i actually was expecting that#no but its so funny the one time the negative consequences of something does actually get acknowledged its the SL finale ‘betrayal’/j#like cmon fuck me i guess/j (BIG EMPHASIS. ON THE SLASH J. OKAY.)#but honestly though i did expect Gem to hold a grudge over the 2v1 in SL. and. its good that there are consequences???#it IS a ‘betrayal’ in Gem’s eyes. they were friends. they were murder besties for the last two sessions and then Pearl chose Scar over her#and its awesome man. [through gritted teeth] this is awesome man this will be good for character development ok ok ok. ok?#its also got something to do with Pearl having the red creep in. i think#because during SL Gem was like. nearly idolising the Scarlet Pearl persona while vaguely aware that her own reputation has a similar effect#and yknow. the horrors. the fact that their image is so heavily built on what others deem them to be and they can only play into it#but by the end of SL Gem gets ‘betrayed’ by this persona that she looked up to#and also her own ‘GeminiSlay’ intimidating image is also starting to fall apart. partly of her own will#and now shes watching Pearl slowly turn red again. and this time she knows its not good for her or Pearl#so shes distancing herself from it. shes ‘trying to fix her reputation’. she sees Pearl falling into it again and just. no. i dont love you#you betrayed me last season#but on Pearl’s end of things she’s already deep into the idea that as long as you say you ‘forgive’ someone then everything thats happened#in the past doesn’t matter and they can all be friends. and nooo absolutely no grudges will be held. no emotional repression here#so. because thats happened to her in her own team she thinks the same can happen with her and Gem#and thats so. im going to blow myself up now
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Just two siblings back from the dead, hanging out, totally not using this opportunity to torment one another for the rest of time! <3
Chara Week Day 4: Flowers
[Image Description: A digital drawing of Chara and Flowey from Undertale. They're on the Surface, with grass and trees and mountains stretching out behind them. Chara has golden flowers clustered around their left eye and speckled in their hair and on their hands. They're kneeling on the ground and smiling wide, holding Flowey's flower pot in one arm. Their other hand is outstretched in front of them and holding a camera. Flowey has a red bow wrapped around his stem and stickers in the shape of hearts, stars, and smiley faces decorating his pot. He looks annoyed as Chara leans their face in close to his to take a photo. /End ID]
#chara week#chara week 2023#safeutdr#undertale#chara dreemurr#my art#flowey#undertale flowey#undertale chara#chara undertale#flowey undertale#chara#there were a lot of things I could have done with the flowers prompt but I wanted to do something more wholesome than my last post#plus this was the first thing that came to mind. flowey is a flower. and I usually draw Chara with flowers all over them post-pacifist so#it's like the golden flowers became a part of both of them after they got resurrected. ✨symbolism ✨ idk.#the stickers on Flowey's pot are courtesy of Frisk. they like decorating everything with stickers#also. sorry for giving every character I draw black nail polish. it will happen again. </3#i'm not super satisfied with the background of this one because I was pretty lazy with it and it doesn't mesh well with the foreground#buuuuut I'm fine with it because I don't want to spend more time fixing it. and it's like. fine. just not as good as it COULD be#also I'm new to writing image descriptions so if there's anything I could adjust/describe better let me know#I just thought I should try adding one when I can#🌼
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arkayne in a nutshell. To me.
anyways I’m gonna go draw kayne’s toothy pseudo-top-surgery-scars now. No one look at me bye
(Insp below)
#I keep drawing arkayne. I’m being possessed by Kayne chat#actually we have a Kayne fictive and I’m more concerned abt the fact that this is probably 100 % me just being a freak over them rather tha#him fronting to make these. This is all me baby. Anyways IM SORRY ANOUT FUJOING OUT OVER THEM! It will happen again <3#unrelated but I’ve been putting noise static layers and Gaussian blurring everything I make and it looks so scrumptious to me#It’s EASY! I’m SORRY! and I’m TIRED#arkayne#bloodied keys#arthur lester#kayne malevolent#kayne fanart#fanart#malevolent#malevolent fanart#arthur malevolent#my art
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Stranger Things 4 Chapter Nine: The Piggyback | 4.09
#stranger things#strangerthingsedit#stedit#el#s4#the piggyback#lex creates#dailystrangerthings#tvstrangerthings#scifiedit#dailynetflix#netflixedit#dailyflicks#dailytvfilmgifs#tvedit#televisionedit#cinematv#cinemapix#wtf do i tag#anyway. yall i miss this show so much#and i miss posting about it the way i used to#maybe it's the fact that filming is supposed to wrap soon#or maybe seeing them film what could be the final epilogue of the series#has me feeling incredibly nostalgic and emotional#but i'm gonna figure out what to do about all the stuff in my inbox#and then i think i'm gonna be more active/actually posting content over here again#like. i love this show and these characters an unreasonable amount and i care so much about what's going to happen to them in the end#and this show really does make me so happy despite like. everything else going on in the world#i just want to post about it and share gifs like normal again tbh
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Torn apart. Inspired by Romeo and Juliet by Sergio Cupido
#rdr2#morston#john marston#arthur morgan#red dead redemption 2#rdr#red dead redemption#arthur/john#john/arthur#morstonmonday#morston monday#hewo! happy to be here for another monday with you guys hehe#ALSO i wanna say. someone else did a redraw of them as this painting before kjhfgk#i had no idea and only saw it after i already started the wip#JUST KNOW ITS NOT LIKE. ORIGINAL AT ALL I JUST;;; HAVE LOTS OF THOUGHTS + EMOTIONS#but yeah idk if the many disembodied dutch hands keeping them apart makes sense to anyone but me#but like something something that man's actions ultimately were what tore them apart#as well as growing up under his care/influence inevitably created the wedge in between them#as well as the perceived rivalry over whos the favorite son or whatever#and then in more fucky terms. i like to imagine he was fucking them both and preventing them from doing the same with one another :)#something something that wouldn't be right but i know better so it's different with me#or whatever#sorry to spew my dutch grooming agenda all over you guys on this good monday. it will happen again#ANYWAY#again hope this resonates with anyone other than me lol#my art
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A pokemon masters screenshot redraw that got Way Out Of Hand. (and I insist on posting this as a redraw, I feel the original context is Important)
Also, I finally remembered to record my process of drawing this (and then some :^D)
#volo#ウォロ#pokemon#pla#pokemon legends arceus#pokemon masters ex#mareep#giratina#yes it's there trust me#mine#fanart#so i took that snap and I thought it was hilarious and was immediately struck with an idea#I was like alright i need to draw him like a biblical fresco or something with a halo behind his head and holding a lamb#and then I just kept getting ideas and this went Someplace Else#but I'm still quite happy with it#the background gave me a lot of trouble though#on another canvas because I didn't want to show my struggle in the recording KHGD#but fwends helped and I'm eternally grateful#I was gonna add audio to the video#or I originally did#I had Volo's theme#then like two seconds of Doopliss' theme from Paper Mario ttyd#but then the video got in a stupid aspect ratio and I would have had to do it all over again And I Can't Be Bothered#ysee I was playing that with fiance while drawing this and wanted to draw that lil ghostie#and then yume nikki day happened and I had to draw Madotsuki#so yeah enjoy the process of that too#christ this is too many tags anyway take this
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my personal headcanon is the vees were unremarkable nobodies when they were alive. i just love it as a thematic throughline for them. they love to let the public of hell speculate on them being famed and acclaimed since before death, but the the truth is they were a d-list failed influencer that got by on cheap controversey and scamming, a broke junkie who burned every shaky bridge he ever had, and a worn-out broadcast production assistant with more rejected auditions and tossed out script pitches than he could count. nobody missed them when they were gone, nobody cared who they were until they were dead.
#because villains who didn't start off supremely powerful are more interesting to me#vees#it's not that they CAN'T be better. or that they're simply ignorant of the ways they fuck up others lives#they actually all do have that knowledge of being the underdog. and it's made them all the more shitty#because they never want to be those people again#narratives about people who make each other worse <3#to be clear they were still shitty people in life. manipulative. consumed by greed and envy. all their individual flaws etc etc#but hell made them into the absolute worst versions of themselves#of course what their Worst Self is and the journey/length of time/initial reaction to being in hell varies#like val sees hell as a continuation of the things happening in life. just w/ the power dynamics always privileging him#it's the same drugs and violence. except the violence isn't just survival anymore but the chance to indulge his deeply sadistic desires#vox has completely dissociated from his time alive. that person is dead and he's reinvented himself 1000 times over since then#90% of the time he has those memory files shoveled into a hidden directory#he refuses to acknowledge that he's still haunted by some of the same insecurities from almost a century ago#val doesn't necessarily see his living self in a fond light but he does see that person as fundamentally him#velvette thinks life was full of people who weren't her demographic but fortunately that's been fixed by sinners!#they just couldn't Get Her and that was all their faults#the primary way they view their past selves can be summed up as: scorn (vox) apathy (valentino) and in denial (velvette)#sorry the bulk of the post was in the tags. i will be doing this again#the scorn is the coping mechanism for shame. of course
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vaguely based on a stream silly from the first stream. when my friend KEPT INTERRUPTING LOOP DIALOGUE.
vvv vague context clip below vvv
aaand. well. apologies for layers of links because 18+. if you are intrigued by that clip and want to watch the full streams there' s a link to the full vods channel in this linked post right here.
(there are 11 streams.... mainly because we did all the optional content except the ghosts event i think? because RNG)
i promise my audio quality gets better ASFSAFASFA
#isat siffrin#isat loop#in stars and time#isat#isat spoilers#isat act 6 secret encounter spoilers#<- since implicit 2hats spoilers and all LMAO#i was laughing really hard in my mind when this happened i need tag readers to know this#but i also would not have been able to elaborate WHY it was incredibly funny to me at that exact moment without straight up spoiling either#in hindsight i couldve probably played off laughter but STILL ASFASFASDAFA#also uh. this was probably one of the first drafted drawings from those streams actually!#but again! i couldnt just. finish it?? and post it?? since i normally ask squid for a blessing before posting associated clips as well LMAO#so it was backburner for uhhhhh#FIVE??? MONTHS??? OOOPS LMAO#but yipppeeeeee!! stream sillys are always fun to meexpect more sporadically!!#okay tag talk over woooo !
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hermann thoughts: if i discredit newton and his approach enough, the martial won't give him the equipment for his kaiju drift, and i can protect him from himself. if he despises me for it, so be it. there is little i wouldn't sacrifice to see him safe.
newt thoughts: this is a Best Science competition and i have to Win
#unscientific aside#newmann#pacific rim#thinking about them again today#it's very easy to read hermann's animosity during the movie as him being pissed off at newt for his 'completely crazy'#theories getting attention + being a massive nuisance in general#that's exactly what it looks like if you just listen to WHAT he's saying#however if you pay attention to WHEN he says it & pay attention to his face when no one is looking it's very clear there's more going on im#like the kaiju entrails comment. newt has all these tables with guts set up right next to the line & has clearly been working there for age#theres a big pile of intestinal-looking tubes over on hermann's side of the floor already! not a peep from hermann!#but then when newt tries to join the conversation he happens to throw another little squidgy bit & suddenly hermann jumps on him about it#brings up in front of the marshall how CONSTANT this unprofessional conduct is while also cutting newt off#he physically puts himself between newt & pentecost#interrupts newt every time he tries to talk#starts making snarky little personal comments AT newt to discourage him - 'don't embarrass yourself' 'yes [just get to the point]'#'this is the point where he goes completely crazy' [significant look at newt]#keeps hovering in the background looking between newt & pentecost#like. ok he is SO MAD that newt is getting pentecost's attention here. obviously#the thing that does it for me though is how sad and resigned he looks when newt finally does get to the point#this is not the face of an angry rival#this is the face of a man with ulterior motives for his animosity#i dont think newt has any ulterior motives hes aware of lol he thinks hes in a movie about 2 geniuses vying for scientific superiority#happens to be in love with hermann but hasnt realized because hes so mad at him all the time#he only realizes how much hermann cares when he offers to drift with him
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Solas addressing current day Thedas about his plans to bring down the Veil:
#the egg was going to save the elves and lead a rebellion and instead you made it all about mythal and only mythal#by all means have mythal and solas's relationship be fucked#but why minimize Solas's entire past as a freedom fighter for this?? his motivations were lessened so much from what trespasser set up#the game made him so unlikable to me#joplin cut save me </3#that version actually had him helping the elves like he said he was going to do in trespasser -> instead he started two world wars in datv#he absolutely only made life worse for the elves and everyone else on thedas since the moment he woke from his beauty sleep & that's fucked#led to thousands and thousands more dying and the entire south being blighted to hell#make the man whose flaw is that he cares too much cause the most harm to everyone on thedas in its TOTALITY from the titans to this point#they did you dirty solas >:(#people won't remember him in thedas as a freedom fighter post datv -> there will be no songs or legends about the true fen'harel#remembered as he should be as the man who stood up to gods for the slaves -> who risked all he had in the name of freedom against tyrants#instead he set in motion the greatest conflict of the age as well as corypheous -> people will curse his name just like the dalish once did#they will look around at the blighted remains of their lands and the bodies of those they loved and they will blame him and be 100% correct#god it just makes me feel depressed what they did to him#the elves would absolutely be fucked all over again because of this - their gods returning and blighting the world#while another was responsible for it happening in the first place????#then to hint that the forbidden/forgotten ones are still out there as an antagonist too?! stoppppp#datv critical#datv spoilers#bioware critical#dragon age the veilguard
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Still trying to finish other things but in the meantime- updated design for my older May! She's an Ace Trainer
#you cant see it form the angle i put it at but she wears her gym badges pinned on her bag! shes proud of them lol#she DID technically win the champion title but the hoenn region saw what happened in kanto#w a child fleeing into the mountains and becoming a hermit. and were like ykno what lets Not do that#so it was kept a secret. shes free to revisit it now that shes older but she doesnt want any champion business anyhow#shes havin fun travelling#she still does contests! her n brendan both#brendan competes in cleverness n toughness contests may in cute and beauty contests... both of them fight in coolness contests#lisia sits back and watches as she clutches out the win yet again cus the stupid teenagers were too focused on winning from EACHOTHER#that they forgot about winning in GENERAL.#good job guys#not totally set on her team?#she has her blaziken. thats also her mega mon#tempted to give her mudkip its just baby forever#she has access to latias? but i dont think shes using it on her team just for flying#ill prolly let her keep her wailord she also uses in game its funny as hell#anyways its mostly all still up in the air#also her n brendan r fighting over custody of cosplay pikachu n theyre both losing#oras#pokemon trainer may#i forgot to actually tag this w the fandom LMAO OOPS#my own rambling makes me forget#hoenn
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rewatched Kurogiri's holiday story from ultra impact (not related to sketch at all)
(but it did inspire me)
on another note
finally!!
#fanart#sketch#my art#bnha#shigaraki tomura#tenko shimura#kurogiri#I cried a bit while playing it I missed the classic LoV I missed Kurogiri WITH the LoV it's been so long :(#and it feels like last chapter (423 atm) broke the seal of sketching them as anything but something static#it took me two or so days to just understand that Kurogiri is... yeah#I can't believe it took Horikoshi so long to bring him back but as I said and will say it again I glad it happened at all#after some thought I just want to sit with the chapters#anyway getting the preordered book was so much fun#it was full of LoV from Toga and Dabi talking about her house to Tenko being upset over being told that he doesn't have friends#and everything in-between basically only Compress left to join in the next volume#I think????#I actually want to get another one already they're so goodddd#and the translation sounds pretty good but I checked some pages not the whole book it'll be boring#it's actually so weird to think that I started a goal of reading the whole series ad it was now officially coming out like this back in 201#and now it's 2024 and the translation is pretty much ahead of anime and maybe it'll be faster than viz volumes too#since it's 2 in 1 basically - I think it's really great since I save some money but get LoV chapters every time#because they appear every 2 books at the start of the series and back then it was hard for me to get them#but I felt content seeing all the books that I bought when I was visiting family for holidays this month because there are so many of them#and I don't need any wi-fi or internet in general to read them back to back now with an addictional volume#they have some mistakes but I don't mind them it feels good to just hold all of them (and a bit heavy after like 8 books) and now it's 18
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