#The Divorce Survival Guide for Women | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

serpentface · 3 months ago

Note

I'm sure you've already mentioned this somewhere I couldn't find it, but if you wouldn't mind going over it again/redirecting...

It's very clear that the purpouse of marriage here is to basically give a man a wife to have children for him and not producing babies is quite dishonorable/sus. Janeys handily sidestepped this, but what's the societal norm for women who physically cannot get pregnant/bring a pregnancy to term? Is this grounds for divorce? Or something even harsher?

The function of marriage in this society boils down to ensuring the future of your family line via children, securing wealth for oneself and one's family (via dowry and dower, and political alliances in the case of the marriages of nobility), ensuring support for oneself/one's family (via a wife's domestic labor, a husband as a primary supporter and protector, children who will provide labor and will care for you in old age, a male heir whole will carry your legacy, etc), and even ensuring secure passage to the afterlife (your children have filial obligations to ensure you get a proper funeral, the blood bond between a husband/wife is thought to help guide a lost soul if they die without being able to obtain rites).

Social norms regarding a man's expected performance of masculinity as a patriarch are deeply wrapped up into and built on top of this, but it's much more complex than Just benefiting a man's social standing. The blood family is the fundamental social unit and sense of identity in this society- you are your family name before you are an individual, you have profound obligations towards your family and ensuring its survival (both literally in a life or death sense, and in the sense of preventing the end of a line). Nobility generally don't have to worry about obtaining marriage for basic subsistence (though marriage and childbearing still has other squarely practical functions) which is where you see concerns about honor being most preeminent, but maintaining your family name and line in good standing IS understood as a survival concern.

So all that being said, yeah it's a problem if a woman cannot get pregnant or bear offspring to term. In cases where the HUSBAND is infertile, the wife stands a strong chance of being blamed (there is most often no way to prove otherwise in the immediate term, and the wife herself will generally have no way of knowing for certain that it Isn't her). A woman's infertility isn't something that's going to be 'punished' per se (outside of individual cases of abusive husbands), the main response is just going to be divorce (and this is probably the most common reason for divorces).

This is still a very bad situation for a young woman to be in. Being divorced on grounds of infertility (real or imagined) DRASTICALLY lowers your chances of being remarried, which is a matter of security and survival for a woman in this society. Your likeliest chance at remarriage is that a MUCH older widower who already has a set of healthy and/or adult children will be interested in taking you on as a wife, and this is hardly a given. Fathers will also sometimes refuse to reclaim daughters who were divorced on grounds of infertility- this Sometimes has practical elements (especially in cases of poverty, where taking her back is another mouth to feed), and sometimes purely a matter of shame. (Note that this is not THE standard practice, and will often be regarded as perhaps understandable but notably cruel, some will even consider this to be an outright flouting of familial obligations).

A lot of women will also attempt to determine their fertility prior to marriage, and a prospective wife being examined for signs of infertility is highly encouraged (if not an outright prerequisite, especially among nobility). Part of the job of many midwives and all higher echelon physician-priestesses is determining fertility, and they can be hired for pre and post-marital examinations. [This comic mentions it, Hibrides has been suspiciously not pregnant after Janeys going 'yeah I've definitely knocked her up, probably. Bye' and ditching, examined by a midwife yet again at his mother's behest, and determined to be fertile] [This is a distinctly unpleasant and humiliating experience].

Divorce is not usually the First response when a couple struggles to conceive (it's within a man's rights to call for it, but this is rarely a pragmatic move due to the massive resource investment in a marriage to begin with). A Huge portion of traditional medicinal practices focus on improving/ensuring fertility (both male and female), and both spouses will change their diet to include fertility-enhancing foods and take/wear medicines when trying to conceive, and may undergo intensive medicinal regimes if they're struggling.

Religious practice is another avenue for navigating conception issues, and fertility is of MASSIVE significance to this faith (in all its aspects- that of humans, the earth, livestock, rivers, wild animals, etc). The Faces Mitlamache, Ganmache, and Anaemache are most relevant to human fertility (with the latter having associations Specific to pregnancy) and blessings from their priests, prayers and personal offerings, and sacrifices to these Faces are thought to be able to increase fertility or (potentially) cure sterility. Odomache has a role as a protector of pregnant women and of children (superficially disparate to Its warfare and sovereignty functions, but womens' struggles through labor is likened to a combat, especially given high rates of death in childbirth and Very high rates of infant mortality), and Odonii provide blessings to encourage a healthy pregnancy and delivery. A lot of public festivals and rites have at least partial functions specific to female fertility (the annual rites to Anaemache are mostly participated in by women who are pregnant or hoping to conceive).

All this being said, sometimes husbands and wives actually do like, love each other. Marriage in this society is usually arranged (SOME lower class marriages are self-selected but the marriages of noblemen are basically never Not arranged) and the institution of marriage is NOT about romantic interest by any means (though its a standard hope that love will develop with time), but men who are deeply attached to their wives might struggle to pull the pragmatic move of divorcing in the face of clear infertility. You'll see some couples struggling to conceive for years and pouring all their efforts into medical and spiritual intervention (perhaps even making a show of it) without the husband ever hitting the escape button.

Adoption does Exist as a thing (though the extreme importance projected upon blood lineage (and particularly blood Heirs) makes many men more hesitant than is practical, the vast majority of adoptions occur when a man already has secured at least one biological heir). An adopted child is not considered a true blood relative, but rites surrounding adoption involve blood-sharing to establish the child as both legal and spiritual kin, and establishes standard familial obligations (this same sort of kinship rite is involved in marriage and sworn brotherhood). Opting for a divorce in the face of infertility tends to be Much more common than adoption, but the latter can fill all purely pragmatic functions needed of a child in marriage, and couples who are deeply attached to one another are likely to take this route.

34 notes · View notes

librarycards · 5 months ago

Note

do you have any book recs on relationship abuse? feel free to discard this question or point me elsewhere

hello anon - i read your other message to and am sending both of you much love. thanks for reaching out.

first and foremost, i am still very much a student of the literature in relationship abuse, not an expert. here are some books that may be helpful, with annotations:

Banu Khapil, The Vertical Interrogation of Strangers. Khapil interviews women from the South Asian diaspora using a set of guiding craft/storytelling questions. i found this book immensely useful for my writing, which is to say, for transmuting the unlanguagable experiences of trauma - including relationship abuse and sexual violence - and restorying them in ways that worked for me.

Eli Clare, Exile and Pride. Clare is a trans survivor of CSA, and writes about the intersection of disability and survivorship.

Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha, Care Work: Dreaming Disability Justice, and their other work. They're a decorated writer, performer, and activist deeply invested in a disability justice + femme-of-color oriented approach to community care, and speak frankly and often about intimate partner violence, CSA, and the aftermath, as well as TJ-based approaches.

I have not read Beyond Survival, but tentatively recommend taking a look, alongside my friend's astute commentary about the book's metatext.

Maggie Smith, You Could Make this Place Beautiful. Smith is a brilliant poet, and has written this memoir about her divorce. As we dig deeper, we uncover a context of abuse, exploitation, infidelity, and dangerous envy on the part of her husband; and watch her carve a life beyond him.

Carmen Maria Machado, In the Dream House. A classic in the category of abuse memoir, and for good reason. Machado's insights into the onion of abuse culture in which we currently live –– ownership rhetorics around children, the subjugation of women, the silence around abuse by and of queer women –– are crucial.

Erin Elizabeth Smith, Down. My dear friend and colleague's book of poems that speak to the insidious process of grooming and its downstream effects, as well as the process of finding one's freedom.

And a few works of fiction to offer solidarity & new ways of thinking in this time:

Sayaka Murata, Earthlings

Tiffany D Jackson, Grown

Dorothy Allison, Bastard Out of Carolina

Ruth Ozeki, My Year of Meats

Tiffany McDaniel, Betty

i hope this is helpful. i don't necessarily know if these are the kinds of narratives your friend needs rn, but these are the ones that have helped me begin coming to terms with my own experiences (i have a long way to go) and have afforded me the chance to think critically about relationship dynamics and cultures of abuse that refuse to absolve abusers of responsibility for their behavior.

#ask #anonymous #abuse #book rec

26 notes · View notes

african-international-magazine · 2 years ago

Text

Why African Marriages Continue Even After a Husband's Cheating

Marriage is considered as one of the most important institutions in African societies as it is a social, economic, and political unit. It is therefore not a surprise to note that marriages continue even after a man cheats. In this discussion, we will explore the reasons why African marriages continue even after a man cheats.

Firstly, African marriages are not based solely on love between two people. Family and societal expectations play a crucial role in the formation and continuation of marriages. In Africa, marriage is not just about love and companionship. It is also about maintaining family honor, reputation, and prestige. Thus, despite the man's infidelity, the woman will still stay in the marriage to uphold her family's honor. African families are tightly knit, and the man's actions are not seen as an individual wrongdoing but as a collective and familial issue.

Secondly, marriage in Africa is a covenant between two families, not just two individuals. Through marriage, families gain access to networks, resources, and opportunities. Thus, the continuity of a marriage even after a man cheats is highly valued by both families involved. Their connection to each other allows for long-term benefits and mutual gains.

Thirdly, men are expected to have multiple partners, and it is normalized in many African societies. In some cultures, having more than one wife, or extramarital affairs, is accepted as a sign of virility or power. In this sense, it is expected that a man will cheat, and when he does, it is not seen as a deal-breaker in the marriage. Instead, women are expected to stay quiet and endure as their primary role is to maintain harmony within the family.

Fourthly, divorce in African societies carries a significant stigma and can lead to marginalization and shame. Women who are divorced may be ostracized, face difficulty remarrying, or may be blamed for their failed marriage. Thus, women would choose to stay in the marriage, despite the man's infidelity, to avoid societal repercussions.

Fifthly, financial stability is a vital component of marriage in Africa. Women are often not economically independent and are expected to rely on their husband financially. Divorce in this case would mean a loss of monetary support, which could lead to poverty and destitution. Therefore, even when men cheat, women are encouraged to stay in the marriage to secure their economic livelihood.

Sixthly, African marriages are not just between two people but are often multigenerational. Grandparents, parents, and extended family play a significant role in the marriage, and their interests are also considered. The man's infidelity may be seen as a personal matter between the couple, but the entire family is impacted by the decision to stay in the marriage or not. The family's input in the decision-making process means that marriage continues, even after a man cheats.

Seventhly, cultural practices and beliefs play an essential role in African marriages. In some cultures, marriage is seen as a sacred union and regarded as unbreakable, even in cases of infidelity. Furthermore, in these cultures, faith and spirituality guide every aspect of life, including marriage. The belief that marriage is a divine union blessed by God makes it hard for anyone to contemplate divorce regardless of what has transpired.

Finally, African marriages are characterized by interdependence, whereby marriages are not just about love and companionship but also about mutual support and survival. In this sense, marriages are seen as a collective endeavour to build a sustainable future. Even when a man cheats, the woman is often expected to remain in the marriage, and through her efforts, she can work to repair the damaged relationship.

Conclusionary, African marriages continue even after a man cheats due to cultural and societal reasons. The desire to maintain family honour, financial stability, societal expectations, and the influence of extended family all contribute to the decision to stay in the marriage. Ultimately, African marriages are complex and multifaceted, and people must weigh all the factors involved before making significant decisions about their marriage. The reasons for continuing a marriage after infidelity may not be easily understood by people from other cultures, but they speak to the unique complexities of African societies and the meaning attached to marriage in these contexts.

9 notes · View notes

whocookedthelastsupper · 1 year ago

Text

“With woman's every natural function seen as a life-threatening crisis, the rational scientific male could not repose much confidence in such a frail vessel. Woman, it now emerged under the scrutiny of pseudo-biology, was a creature hopelessly fragile not only in body, but above all in what the craniologists had grudgingly conceded her by way of mind. Nervous disorders and mental instability were her lot, but there could be no hope of remedying her deficiency in the little gray cells by education: any learning for young ladies risked "excessive stimulation" to their feeble mental parts and was incalculably dangerous. The philosopher Herbert Spencer, previously savaged by Carlyle as "the greatest ass in Christendom" for his part in the evolution debate, was foremost among those who took it upon themselves to trumpet the ill-effects of "brain-forcing" upon young women: diathesis (nervousness), chlorosis ("green-sickness" or anemia), hysteria, stunted growth and excessive thinness were the least they, should expect if they so much as touched a copy of Catullus. Nor was this all. Overtaxing the brain, Spencer warned, "produces... flat-chested girls: consequently those who "survive their high-pressure education” could never "bear a well-developed infant."

Spencer was not the only man of his time to fear that the price of rescuing women from their "natural" ignorance would be "a puny, enfeebled and sickly race." Yet the creature who was too weak-minded even to be educated out of it, could hardly be deemed fit for anything else. Women's imputed physical and mental frailty thus became the grounds for refusing her any civil or legal rights, indeed any change from the "state of nature" in which she dwelt. As late as 1907, an English earl blocked a bill to allow women limited and local voting rights in these terms:

“I think they are too hysterical, they are too much disposed to be guided by feeling and not by cold reason, and... to refuse any kind of compromise. I do not think women are safe guides in government, they are very unsafe guides.”

The speaker was suppor wider another of the leading lights of the British aristocracy in the is der terms of naked masculine self interest: “What is to be feared is that if we take away the position which voman has hitherto occupied, which has come to her from no arich cil education but from nature, if we transfer her from domestic into political life... the homes and happiness of every member of the the homes and happiness of every member of the community will be worsened by the transference." Although plainly not overburdened himself with "artificial" or any other kind of education, his lordship was quite clear on the main point at issue: any attempt by women to escape from their enforced inferiority could only damage the fabric of society, and must therefore be resisted.

Yet for a state of nature, women's lowly status and civil death took a good deal of social and cultural force to maintain. Along with the revolution of industrialism and the victory of science over common sense and reason, the nineteenth-century law became the third and most openly oppressive of the enemies of female emancipation.

Nowhere was this process more blatant than in France, where the Code Napoléon was hailed as the most advanced legal monument of its age; history does not record whether this enthusiasm was in ignorance or in recognition of the fact that this was the most comprehensively repressive package of legislation against women of all time. Under the ancien régime, married women had enjoyed wide free-doms, control over their own property, and an influential place in their community, rights that the Revolution had only widened, by facilitating divorce, for example. Now, in his determination to rebuild the laws of France on a Roman, or rather Corsican, moral base, Napoleon firmly legislated to ensure woman's total subordination to man, and her slavish obedience to all his wishes.

There can be no doubt of the personal edge on Napoleon's legislative blade. "Women should stick to knitting," he informed the son of Madame de Staël, who, whatever else, was not famous for her skill with the needles. Napoleon's attitude to women consistently betrayed such narrow, reactionary, crude and sexist views, along with the determination that just as he was to be sole authority in the state, so every male should have total control over his family. Pushing his "reforms" through the council of state Napoleon pronounced, “the husband must possess the absolute power and right to say to his wife, Madam, you shall not go to the theater, you shall not receive such and such a person; for the children you will bear shall be mine.” Equally, every woman "must be made to realize that on leaving the tutelage of her family, she passes under that of her husband."

To this end, the Code Napoléon equipped every husband with extraordinary, unprecedented, indeed despotic powers. He could compel his wife either to reside in or to move to any place he decreed; everything she ever owned or earned became his; in divorce, he kept the children, the house and all the goods, for she had no right in their common property; in adultery, she could be sent to prison for up to two years, while he escaped scot free. Frenchwomen had been better off in the Dark Ages than they were after Napoleon's Civil Code became law in 1804. Their modern tragedy was to be repeated with a Greek inevitability in countless other corners of the globe as the new model code, along with the metric system, swept most of the civilized world.

Yet even as the forces of patriarchy were vigorously regrouping within these very structures of oppression lay the seeds of their eventual defeat. The revolution of industrialization made women's search for a new identity and purpose both urgent and inescapable, it had also unwittingly put into her hands the means by which to achieve it. The very success of the Industrial Revolution in creating wealth, created also the idle wife as the badge of her husband's social succes. The production of surplus goods and surplus money led inevitably to the production of surplus women. It created, too, a concept entirely new in historical terms, the idea that women should be entirely supported by men. Large numbers of the females of the rising bourgeoisie thus found themselves lodged in a limbo somewhere between china doll and household pet, relegated to the classic "little woman" role still recognizable today. Deprived of work and significance, the idle wife was offered instead the newfangled flummery of Mrs. Bee-ton's "domestic arts"" Emily Post on etiquette, and The Language of Flowers.

As time went on, however, "this strange masculine aberration that required women to be useless." in the words of historian Amaury de Riencourt, "proved to be a mistake of the first order": "the historical record shows that women, one way or another, always have to be at the center of things and will not for long stand being made idle or put on the shelf." This enforced inactivity gave the "lady of leisure" the time to question her enervating and demoralizing lifestyle, her dependence on her man for money, status and meaning. When this brutally stupid and unnatural way of life was also forced down women's throats as the highest form of existence any female could hope to attain, the conflict between what life was and what it was supposed to be eventually became unmanageable.

At the other end of the scale, the working woman had no leisure question her lot. Wholly subject to her lord and master, she groaned under the newly emerging "double burden" of working full-time by day, and carrying out the full load of all the household chores in whatever time was left at night.”

-Rosalind Miles; Who Cooked The Last Supper?; Women’s History of the World

#who cooked the last supper #herstory #womens history #radblr #radfem #radical feminism #radical feminist safe #radical feminists do interact #radical feminists do touch #radical feminists please touch #feminism #feminist literature #radical feminists please interact #radical feminist community #radical feminist literature #radical feminst #radical feminist theory #patriarchy

3 notes · View notes

seolawchef · 29 days ago

Text

Understanding the Legal Framework for Domestic Violence Cases in India

Domestic violence remains a pervasive issue in India, affecting countless individuals and families. The legal system in India offers robust mechanisms to address and resolve domestic violence cases, ensuring justice and protection for survivors. At LawChef, we specialize in offering expert legal assistance for such sensitive matters, guiding you every step of the way.

If you're looking for a domestic violence lawyer, domestic violence lawyer in Noida, or a divorce lawyer in Noida Extension, we are here to help.

What Constitutes Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence includes physical, emotional, sexual, and financial abuse by a spouse, partner, or family member. The Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act, 2005 (PWDVA), provides legal remedies to survivors, emphasizing their protection and dignity.

Key Types of Domestic Violence:

Physical Abuse: Acts of violence causing bodily harm.

Emotional Abuse: Mental torture, humiliation, or insults.

Sexual Abuse: Forcing unwanted sexual acts or advances.

Financial Abuse: Controlling finances or denying financial resources.

Legal Remedies Available Under the Domestic Violence Act

1. Protection Orders

The court can issue a protection order to safeguard the survivor from further harm or harassment.

2. Residence Orders

Survivors can seek the right to continue living in the shared household, even if the property is owned by the abusive partner.

3. Monetary Relief

The court may direct the abuser to provide financial support to cover medical expenses, loss of income, or maintenance.

4. Custody of Children

The court can grant custody of children to the survivor if it’s in the best interest of the child.

5. Compensation Orders

Survivors may also be awarded compensation for physical or emotional distress caused by the abuse.

Why You Need a Domestic Violence Lawyer

Handling domestic violence cases requires sensitivity, expertise, and an understanding of the law. A domestic violence lawyer near me can help you:

File complaints with the appropriate authorities.

Draft and submit legal documents.

Represent your case effectively in court.

Ensure your safety and well-being through appropriate legal measures.

At LawChef, we offer personalized services to clients, ensuring their rights are protected and justice is delivered.

Steps to File a Domestic Violence Case in India

Consult a LawyerBegin by consulting a domestic violence lawyer in Noida or your local area for legal advice tailored to your situation.

File a ComplaintThe survivor can approach the police or a Protection Officer to file a complaint under the PWDVA.

Gather EvidenceCollect documentation such as medical records, photographs of injuries, and witness statements to strengthen your case.

Approach the CourtYour lawyer will help you file a petition in the appropriate court for legal relief, including protection or residence orders.

Attend Court HearingsFollow through with the legal process with the assistance of your lawyer to ensure favorable outcomes.

Role of Divorce Lawyers in Domestic Violence Cases

If domestic violence leads to irreparable differences, seeking a divorce lawyer in Noida Extension may be necessary. A divorce lawyer can:

Guide you through the divorce process.

Help secure alimony or child custody.

Represent your interests during property settlements.

Why Choose LawChef for Domestic Violence Cases?

1. Expertise in Domestic Violence Laws

Our experienced lawyers for domestic violence cases have a deep understanding of the legal framework, ensuring comprehensive support.

2. Compassionate Legal Assistance

We handle domestic violence cases with sensitivity and confidentiality, putting your well-being first.

3. Local Expertise in Noida

Whether you need a domestic violence lawyer in Noida or a divorce lawyer in Noida Extension, our team is well-versed in local legal procedures.

Conclusion

Domestic violence cases require prompt legal action to protect the survivor's rights and safety. Understanding the legal framework is the first step toward justice. At LawChef, we provide expert guidance for filing and resolving domestic violence cases.

#lawchef #bestlawyerindelhi #law in india #law firm #lawyer #child custody lawyer #law #domestic voilence

0 notes

familykanoon · 2 months ago

Text

Determining The Maintenance Amount Post Separation: Key Factors

Traditionally, marriages were meant to last forever, and the husband and wife were considered one-in-law. Since ancient times, when women were not granted exposure to education and work, women had nothing in their name and solely relied on their husband's income for their survival. They were granted protection and sustenance under the wings of their husbands. But, in cases where the husbands wanted to separate from their wives and divorce was the only solution, women were granted a maintenance amount to support their living. Since then, the concept of maintenance has existed to support the financial standing of women.

Though the scenario has changed considerably these days, the idea of spousal support persists to help women sustain their lifestyle post-divorce. Here in this guide, you will get to know the reasons why women are awarded maintenance post-separation and the factors that influence the maintenance amount:

Why Should the Wife Be Awarded Maintenance?

●To dwell in the same living conditions as before post-divorce

●To prevent any chances of being homeless

●To support the education and other needs of children where kids are involved

●To have a source of income in case of dependent women who do not earn

●To compensate for the expenses and losses suffered during the marriage

Factors That Impact Wife's Entitlement To Maintenance

Multiple factors influence the decision of the court on granting the maintenance amount to wives during divorce proceedings; here are a few of them:

Husband's Financial Standing

The husband's financial capacity and ability to pay spousal support are major factors in deciding the maintenance amount. The court takes a deep dig at the husband's property, economic status, and source of income to determine the same. In cases wherein the husband does not have a job and is unemployed or experiences financial limitations, the court may grant a reduced alimony amount or deny any maintenance altogether.

Lifestyle and Needs of Wife

The financial needs, standard of living, and quality of life the wife leads during her marriage also play a crucial role in determining the maintenance amount. The court strives to ensure that the wife gets to lead a similar lifestyle even after separation by granting a maintenance amount that suffices her needs. May it be the housing needs, child education, healthcare, or other basic needs, the maintenance amount is decided, taking into consideration all such needs for the wife to sustain a similar lifestyle post-divorce.

Marriage Duration

Another critical factor that is taken into consideration is the marriage vintage. The duration a couple has been married plays a significant role in determining the maintenance amount. Longer marriages lead to being awarded with higher maintenance charges because the dependency of the wife on her husband is for a longer duration. On the contrary, if the length of the marriage has been short, the maintenance awards are usually less compared to maintenance awarded in longer marriage vintage.

Earning Potential of Wife

If the wife is not dependent on her husband and is an earning member or has the potential to earn, the same is considered while assessing the maintenance settlement. However, this doesn't necessarily mean that the wife may not get maintenance if she is earning herself. She may still be eligible to be awarded a maintenance amount if her salary and other income sources are not sufficient to endure the same lifestyle she used to lead during the marriage tenure.

Dependents and Kids

Another significant factor in determining the maintenance amount is the dependents and kids who will stay with the wife post-divorce. Maintenance in such cases is awarded considering the well-being of the dependents as well. The husband may stand responsible for supporting the education, medical care, and other facilities required by the children.

Conclusion

Maintenance amount is crucial, especially for women who do not have any other income source and who have kids to raise. Thus, it is essential that they receive a fair entitlement to support their daily needs and lifestyle. Hiring a divorce lawyer in Gurgaon can be your best bet in such a case because they can effectively represent your claim and present accurate data about your daily needs, financial standing, dependents, and other factors that can earn you a fair settlement amount. Besides, they also offer expert advice and guide you through the intricacies of divorce proceedings while protecting your interests and safeguarding your future. So, get the legal support you need and hire a divorce lawyer to ensure a fair maintenance arrangement post-divorce.

#Divorce Lawyer #Divorce lawyer in Gurgaon

0 notes

finishinglinepress · 3 months ago

Text

NEW FROM FLP: Put a Comma After Love by Norma Ketzis Bernstock

On SALE: https://www.finishinglinepress.com/product/put-a-comma-after-love-by-norma-ketzis-bernstock/

In this, her third collection, Put a Comma After Love, Norma Ketzis Bernstock explores the thoughts, emotions and behaviors that sometimes fill the space after the comma, that place where husbands, wives, lovers and ex-lovers might pause, take a breath and contemplate their actions and the consequences that follow. Though breakups can be painful and disruptive, these #poems are never maudlin but written with a sharp wit by a confident woman with a positive outlook. #marriage #life #wife #lover #divorce #relationships #selfcare #poetry

After a 34-year career in education as a middle school teacher, supervisor and media specialist, Norma Ketzis Bernstock is now a full-time writer and artist. Her poetry has appeared in many print and online journals and anthologies including What But the Music, Poets of the Palisades, Voices From Here, Stillwater Review, Connecticut River Review, Exit 13, Paterson Literary Review and Rattle. Her poems have been featured online at Your Daily Poem, read on WJFF Catskill Radio and have received a Pushcart Prize nomination. An early chapbook, Don’t Write a Poem About Me After I’m Dead, was published by Big Table Publishing.

PRAISE FOR Put a Comma After Love by Norma Ketzis Bernstock

“Norma” Ketzis Bernstock candidly explores her roles as wife, ex-wife, lover, and ex-lover, discovering who she is in relation to others, and who she is on her own. The narrative flow of her journey traces when she was strong and when she was weak, and each poem is tenderly crafted, insightful, and brimming with hard-earned wisdom. We say Bravo to this new collection!”

–Robin Stratton, Boston Literary Magazine

Put a Comma After Love maps a narrator’s survival after the end of a marriage. It has the glint of broken glass that is more beautiful in itself than the original bottle was. “Where is the heart?” Norma Bernstock asks. It is here, and here, and here, this book answers. The pulse is in the precise, discovered language that Bernstock deftly paces down the page with inspirited line breaks and turns of phrase. This chapbook memorably charts an indefatigable search and rescue of the self.

–BJ Ward, author of Jackleg Opera

To read Norma Bernstock’s new poetry collection is to engage in bliss. Put a Comma After Love examines love, rage, happiness, mess, and endings met with a decisive period. This work took me on a journey guided by direct arrows to the heart . . . “no spare bulbs in the closet” and “I took the rug” . . . caught my breath. And yet there is tenderness and awakening. Bernstock puts on the page what we think about even when we have no answers. Here lies the beauty of page after page.”

–Julie Maloney, award-winning author and founder/director of Women Reading Aloud

Please share/repost #flpauthor #preorder #AwesomeCoverArt #read #poems #literature #poetry marriage #life #wife #lover #divorce #relationships #selfcare

#poetry #flp authors #preorder #poets on tumblr #american poets #chapbook #chapbooks #finishing line press #small press #flp

0 notes

cathygeha · 6 months ago

Text

REVIEW

Bitter and Sweet by Rhonda McKnight

This dual timeline family saga is dedicated to the lives of three strong black women who, over the course of the book, managed to find strength, purpose, and positive strategies for their lives.

What I liked:

* The seamless flow of the past and present events in the women’s lives

* Tabitha Cooper: strong, resilient, dedicated to her family, does what is necessary, eventually meets and marries and has a successful life – also wrote letters that are a bit like a diary for future generations to read

* Grandma Gail Cooper Holland: refurbishing their family restaurant of nearly a century when she calls her granddaughters for help after her husband has a medical emergency

* Mariah Clark: strong, business savvy, has issues that linger from childhood, acerbic, has secrets, not easy to warm to but she grew on me and became a nicer person by the end of the book

* Sabrina: never knew her mother, fell in love with and lost her husband before their daughter was born, creative, baker, hard worker, under-appreciated by her sister, loving mother, liked her and her story arc

* Bradley, Dante, and Quinton: fine men that showed up when most needed

* The way the letters played into the story told

* The plot, pacing, setting, writing and learning more about the region

* That all women were strong and resilient and worthy of being main characters

* The growth shown by more than one character

* That problems mentioned were worked through and solutions found

* That I had decided not to read this book and was in bed when I opted to pick it up and “skim to see what happened” and didn’t sleep till 4am after reading the last page.

What I didn’t like:

* Who and what I was meant not to like

* Joseph’s entitlement and lies that could have destroyed a less resilient woman

* Thinking about the lives and feelings of the women as they faced the various negative situations in their lives

Did I like this book? Yes

Would I read another book by this author? If the synopsis appealed to me

Thank you to NetGalley and Thomas & Mercer for the ARC – this is my honest review.

4-5 Stars

BLURB

Two sisters at a crossroad in life find the answers to their problems in the lessons from the past... Mariah never pretended her marriage was perfect but that didn't mean she ever suspected her husband of ten years would not only ask for a divorce but steal the business she built for them. Defeated and depressed, she's not sure how to bounce back from the manipulative betrayal. Sabrina has been self-destructing for years, maybe since she was born, but certainly since the death of her long-time boyfriend. Barely scraping by and living in her van, she's struggling to figure out what's next for her, when all she's ever wanted to do is bake cakes like her mother did. When Mariah and Sabrina's grandmother sends them a cryptic text message summoning them to Georgetown, South Carolina, both assume their ailing grandfather's health has declined. Instead, the estranged sisters are faced with their grandmother's undeniable request--save the family restaurant. Through letters written by their great-great-grandmother, Tabitha, Mariah and Sabrina learn a heartbreaking yet powerful story of struggle and survival. As the whole truth about Tabitha's complicated past unfolds, the sisters are inspired by her ability to forge her own way in Charleston, a beautiful and prosperous city that was also rife with oppression under Jim Crow. With the lessons in their family's past guiding them, both sisters have a chance at a different life--if they can find a way to bridge the gap that tragedy and unhealed trauma forced between them. Told in a dual timeline that alternates between the 1920s and present-day Charleston, SC, Bitter and Sweet is an emotional story about love, one family's perseverance, and the bonds of family and heritage.

#Rhonda McKnight #NetGalley #Thomas & Mercer Publishers #Romance #Fiction #Saga #Christian Fiction #Historical Romance #Dual timeline #contemporary romance #Black Women #Family

0 notes

billconrad · 8 months ago

Text

ALL CAPITAL TITLES

Book titles capture what a book is about. Their purpose is to break down potential reader’s resistance so they will open their wallets and hand over hard-earned money. This means that, at the core, the title is an advertisement.

How does this work? Depending on the book, titles can be clever, friendly, outrageous, or welcoming. However, their overall goal is to entice a sale. “Dear reader. You are going to love my book. Sit down and take a load off. Now, flip to the first page and enjoy my story.”

Well… Some authors have not received the friendly title message. There is a new trend of using all capital letters in a title. What is the purpose of writing in capital letters? It is to emphasize words as if they were being shouted. I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THIS!!! I suppose in a limited instance, having all capital letters does have merit for shocking titles. “AIRPLANE DISASTERS” “ROMANTIC FAILURES” “WORST MISTAKES IN HISTORY”

Note: An unwritten rule is that the title should have all capital letters on the cover. This makes a bold statement to entice readers. This is the time for an author to be confident.

The problem occurs in websites that sell books and search engines. Authors capitalize their titles to distinguish themselves. They even capitalize their names. The result reads too heavy-handed. It is like those annoying television commercials where the car dealer yells at the top of their lungs to buy a used car. Our reaction is to change the channel quickly.

To show you what I am referring to, I copied several titles with their authors listed on Amazon:

THE ULTIMATE PERSONAL FINANCE GUIDE FOR TEENS: LEARN THE SECRETS OF MONEY MANAGEMENT TO BECOME WEALTHY AND LIVE A STRESS - FREE LIFE by CARLOS A. DAVILA

WE ARE NOT IMPOSTORS!: HOW TO IDENTIFY, MANAGE, AND OVERCOME IMPOSTOR SYNDROME AS PROFESSIONAL WOMEN by JT BLACKWELL

JUST FIREWORKS : A Child’s memories of a war-torn Lebanon by Nader Barrak

HOW TO TALK TO ANYONE: Unlock Conversational Excellence: Transform Your Communication, Speak with Confidence, Connect Effortlessly, and Navigate Social Landscapes with Charismatic Grace by Rowan Becket

SEPARATION AND DIVORCE: SURVIVING WITH YOUR CHILDREN by Bridget Michaels

SCREWED-UP: BREAKING CHAINS FROM NARCISSISM: Know your Worth and break the toxic bond from a narcissist!! by Hayde Miller

VAGABOND by ATHANG RATHOD

FAYTHE OF NORTH HINKAPEE: The Saga of a Young Woman’s Quest for Justice and Love in Colonial America by James T. Hogg

INTERESTING FACTS For GENIUS MINDS: 1492 Entertaining Trivia & Facts For All Ages 8+ by Natalie Larsen

THE LITTLE BRAZILLIAN COOKBOOK by Cristina Ripley

Why is a cookbook yelling at me? Why are interesting facts shouting? Did they lose a bet?

Authors capitalizing their names? We are supposed to be a friendly bunch. “Hey, there. You seem like a great person. Why don’t you read one of my books.” The last thing a reader wants is an arrogant JERK of an author screeching at the top of their lungs, “DON’T YOU DARE READ MY BOOK! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!”

I suppose my rant about capital letters will not turn too many heads. So… What am I hoping to accomplish? If an author reads this article, please keep your readers in mind. I know it isn’t easy to stand out, but capitalizing your title is a step too far. THANKS FOR READING THIS.

You’re the best -Bill

June 05, 2024

Hey, book lovers, I published four. Please check them out:

Interviewing Immortality. A dramatic first-person psychological thriller that weaves a tale of intrigue, suspense, and self-confrontation.

Pushed to the Edge of Survival. A drama, romance, and science fiction story about two unlikely people surviving a shipwreck and living with the consequences.

Cable Ties. A slow-burn political thriller that reflects the realities of modern intelligence, law enforcement, department cooperation, and international politics.

Saving Immortality. Continuing in the first-person psychological thriller genre, James Kimble searches for his former captor to answer his life’s questions.

These books are available in softcover on Amazon and in eBook format everywhere.

#book title #publishing trends #amazon books

0 notes

coachmoreno · 11 months ago

Text

Dating After Divorce - A Guide for Middle-Aged Men

Dating after divorce can seem intimidating at first. Afterall, most divorced middle-aged men were married for several years and out of the dating game for a very long time. Plus, things have changed for many of us. The dating landscape looks a lot different that it did when we were in our 20’s and 30’s. Take dating apps, for example. Those didn’t really exist, or if they did, they weren’t readily available at the palm of our hand like they are today. We had to do it the hard way, which is to say, we had to get out into the world and put ourselves out there. Well, things may have changed, but the concept remains the same. And although it may feel like we may have lost a step, the charm, the sense of humor, the personality, and confidence we once leveraged to get another’s attention is still there inside of us. To bring it out we just need to find the courage to get back out there and to exercise patience because dating requires it.

Here's my advice:

If you are still dealing with the trauma of your divorce, seek help. Therapy is a good place to start. If you are not emotionally available, you will not be able to emotionally connect with anyone, let alone a potential partner. And if you think dating will be a good distraction, trust me, it’s not. Dating is not going to help you feel better. On the contrary, it may cause more emotional damage than its worth. Before you can deal with the emotional tolerance you need to survive the dating world, you must first focus on yourself and on getting your mind right.

Understand that dating and rejection go hand in hand. Be prepared for your prospects to ignore you, reject you, hide from you, and even insult you. Yes, this will happen, and you must be able to accept it, our you will give up before you even start.

Understand what it is you NEED more than what you want because what you need will satisfy you more than you realize. Satisfying a need is the only thing that will help you take that next step. One thing is for certain, not nourishing what we need will have us feeling empty inside. By seeking only the things we want in a someone, we set ourselves up for failure. We eventually find ourselves serial dating and pursuing those who may not be the best emotional fit for us. You cannot know the difference between what you need and what you want until you take time to reflect and identify the need first.

Once you feel like you are ready to get out there, then get out there! You choose the best approach. You can go the dating app route, or you can go the old-fashioned way. Online dating has a mysterious element to it, but it comes packed with rejection, deception and full superficial people (men and women alike). I’m old school. I like to be out in the world and allow the universe to present me with possibilities. Do the same! Go out with your buddies and visit a brewery, a bar, a lounge, a club, a music festival, a concert, a comedy show, or a wedding. Or go out alone and pay attention to your surroundings when you visit the park, the beach, while hiking, at the grocery store or at the gym. Look, these are just a few examples of where you might run into someone you find attractive, and when you do, find the courage to say hello. Introduce yourself and attempt to spark a conversation.

As I mentioned earlier, be prepared to be rejected. It will happen. It is inevitable. We are not attractive to everyone, just like we do not find everyone attractive. There may be several reasons your prospect is not engaging; perhaps the person you encountered is spoken for, or in a bad place emotionally and wants to be left alone, or simply not interested in conversation. That is okay. Do not take it personal. Walk away and shake it off. Remember, patience is key. When you are ready, try again.

Before I close, there a few more things to consider. If you are going to use a dating app, I suggest you do some research and find one that seems like a right fit for you. There are plenty of them out there. Just be sure you are honest with yourself and with your potential suiters. Do not contribute to the superficial and “fake” environment that comes along with online dating. Be genuine and discrete. No need to spill your guts in your user profile. A few basic things about you and your interests are all that is needed. And for the love of God, please use a recent photo of yourself! Your photo should be clean, presents you in a genuine light, and please put on a happy face.

Below are a couple of links you click on to help you choose a dating app that’s right for you:

Link 1: https://www.cnet.com/tech/services-and-software/best-online-dating-apps/

Link 2: https://www.forbes.com/health/l/online-dating

Whether you choose to use online approach or the traditional way, be sure you are emotionally ready. One thing I have learned in life is that we can never fully love someone until we have learned to fully love ourselves. Divorce takes a toll on us. For some, it may feel impossible to recover from, but it is not. Divorce is not the end all. On the contrary, it’s an opportunity to find a new path, a new chance at love, and to learn from our mistakes. Before you get out there, make sure you take time to reflect, to heal, and to let go. Only then will you be ready for the dating world. Remember, there is someone out there who is right for you.

#datingafterdivorce #DatingAfter40 #MiddelAgedMen #AGuidetoDatingAfter40

1 note · View note

divorceiswar · 6 months ago

Text

Divorce Is As Devastating As The Death Of A Parent

Marriage is an emotional, physical, and financial commitment that we make to a person that is supposed to last forever. The dissolution of a marriage, divorce, is like a death. It is as emotionally devastating as the death of a parent. It is the death of your relationship. In coping with divorce, you should treat the divorce emotionally the same way you would grieve for someone who died.

Consider counseling if you feel you need help with the emotional aspects of divorce and the changes it will bring to your life;

Consider a support group for yourself and your children if you are the parent who has custody;

Be careful about making major decisions immediately after the divorce or separation;

Take care of yourself, do little things to pamper yourself;

Do not be afraid to feel badly. Some depression is normal—but be careful not to share your negative feelings with your children. You should seek professional help if you feel it is getting out of control;

Avoid over indulging in drugs, alcohol, or food;

Take the time to accept your part in what caused your relationship to fail. It is rare for one person to be solely at fault in a divorce. Forgive yourself and work on forgiving your spouse. Trying to take some of the anger out of the situation will help you deal with details that have to be taken care of in finalizing a divorce.

Although coping with divorce is devastating, not all aspects of a divorce have to be negative. Consider the divorce as an opportunity to rediscover yourself. Take time to do things that you may have enjoyed doing but stopped doing because your spouse did not enjoy them. Reconnect with friends you have not seen or heard from in a while because your spouse did not like them. Find new friendships. Divorce is not just an ending it is a beginning. Accept mistakes you made learn from them and then move on.

As trite as it sounds, all things do get better with time. It is hard to believe when you are going through the anger and disappointment of divorce. It is difficult getting used to being alone again or being afraid that you will always be alone. One day when you are doing some routine task, you will realize that you are happier now then you were when you were living in a dying relationship. No one wants a divorce, but it is better than an unhappy marriage.

#preparefordivorce #preparingfordivorce #divorce advice #divorce advice for women #divorce advice for men #divorce guide #divorce tips #divorce information #divorce info #divorce 101 #divorce survival #divorce strategies #divorce is war #divorce financial #book on divorce #senior divorce

0 notes

quicklook4u · 2 years ago

Link

Surviving Divorce: A Guide for Women

Divorce is a major life change that can have a significant impact on both women and men. However, women are often more likely to experience negative consequences of divorce, including financial hardship, emotional distress, and difficulty adjusting to single life.

Financial Hardship

Women are more likely than men to experience financial hardship after divorce. This is due to a number of factors, including the fact that women are more likely to have lower incomes than men

#divorce

0 notes

african-international-magazine · 2 years ago

Text

Why African Marriages Continue Even After a Husband's Cheating

0 notes

chl0writes · 3 years ago

Text

Loving Ally.

Ally Mayfair-Richards x Reader.

You weren't supposed to fall for a married woman, but what happens when you're forced to confront your feelings?

I posted this a while ago but it was deleted. This was taken from my Wattpad.

Ally could not sleep. The air was far too humid and her mind would not shut off. Her constant tossing and turning had aroused a few groans of annoyance from Ivy. She ignored them.

She's thinking of you. You're all Ally thinks about. Not the woman of whom she wed, promised to spend the rest of her life with, not her. You. Oh to be married to you, she thinks.

There was a time when Ally had been so unbelievably in love with Ivy it hurt. It was enchanting. Ally had found the strength within herself to face her fears, to overcome her phobias, and maybe that's the reason why Ally's adoration for her wife had begun to dissipate. Ivy had been the one to guide her through each depressive episode, to soothe her through each panic attack, but now Ally had saved herself. She was no longer dependent on Ivy. Maybe that's what it was, dependency. Not love. Then there's Ozzie, the sweet little boy they share. Thinking of her son brings a smile to Ally's face. Oz would adore you. Ally knows it. Your kindness and your goofiness would be sure to capture her child's heart, in the same way you had so effortlessly claimed hers as your own.

—

It had been almost two years since your affair with Ally had started. She had come into your life unexpectedly. You met her in a restaurant, her restaurant. It was a favourite of yours, but soon enough the quality of food wasn't the reason why you had found yourself returning. Again, and again.

It was just a one night stand. Until one turned to two, then two turned to ten and years later you're still playing the same dangerous game. Except you don't seem to be winning. You have lost yourself. Loving Ally has been both a blessing and a curse. Your heart aches for her presence and her love. But your mind knows that the strain is becoming too much to bare. She has a wife, a child, a career- and a good one at that. What could you possibly give her that would be worth an ounce of what she already has? What more could you do to make the woman you love stay?

You knew about Ivy. You knew about Ozzie. So it's your own fault, your own actions had resulted in your own suffering. Most people would have put an end to it, but Ally was addicting. You needed her to survive, you've been so foolish to allow things to get this far. You know you need to walk away. Except you don't know if you have the capability, and that's what frightens you the most.

Today, you locked your phone away. It took copious amounts of self control (which hadn't ever come easy to you). You simply had far too much work to catch up on, and the possibility of Ally, the temptation to reach out could not get in your way. Your heart sank when you pulled out your phone at dinner time.

Can I come over tonight? x

Are you ignoring me?

I'd really like to see you.

Tonight you had plans, dinner with a friend. When they had suggested dinner at Ally's restaurant, you had almost considered cancelling, but you didn't. So that was where you were going to end up.

You reply to Ally, explaining you have plans already, and that you will see her another day. When she replies with a sad face emoji, you almost consider bailing on your friend and telling Ally to come over, almost. You type out a quick 'sorry' message, and that is the end of that.

—

Ally didn't sleep a wink last night, her mood was on a fast decline, Ivy didn't seem to be too chipper today either. Two moody women under the same roof? Ally blew. They fought. There can be no progression without confrontation, as they say. Ivy demanded divorce, and in those few words, Ally knew that she was free.

Ally called you, you didn't answer. She tried again, nothing. She sent a message, no response. She tried a second, third, fourth. Had you given up on Ally? It was hours later when you had responded and Ally jumped. She was immediately disheartened to learn that you had other plans. She needed to see you. Ally needed to distract her mind and she knew Ivy wasn't going to be working tonight, so she threw herself into work. She called up the restaurant and she let them know that she'll be picking up a shift.

—

This wasn't really where you wanted to be. In this restaurant, listening to your friend complain about the minuscule problems she and her boyfriend have been facing. Your issues would wipe the floor with her issues. How can one complain about their boyfriend watching too much sport? Have you ever been hopelessly in love with a married woman? No? Didn't think so.

She shuts up, finally.

"How have you been?" Don't ask that.

Before you get a chance to reply, you're interrupted.

"Are you ladies ready to order?" That voice, it's too familiar. Fuck. Ally. She's looking right at you, a sparkle in her eye. You presumed that her wanted to spend the evening with you meant that there wasn't a chance of a potential run-in at the restaurant. Oh, how wrong. She's so calm. How can she be so calm? Your friend orders a cocktail of some sort and a pasta dish.

"I'll just have the same." You're trying to avoid her face. She has the composure of a queen, and you're on the verge of a full blown panic attack. And if things couldn't get worse, Ally plucks the menu from your fingertips and turns to the cocktail section.

"I'd recommend The Leg Spreader, it's mostly tequila, you seem like a tequila girl." A wink. She winks. You want the ground to swallow you up. It's a joke right? A sick joke. No. She holds the menu out for you to see for yourself, there is an actual cocktail on the menu called The Leg Spreader.

"I'll pass."

"That's a shame." Ally grins, her eyes still holding that same sparkle, and even when she walks away- you know that she's still grinning. She has riled you up, and she's revelling in it.

"Alright, what the fuck was that?" Your friend asks, you're not sure if you want to laugh, or cry.

"I have no idea." Whatever Ally is doing, she needs to stop.

The rest of the night goes by quickly. The meals had been finished and the alcohol had started to kick in. This made conversation flow smoother, the experience a little nicer. Your friend had been picked up by her boyfriend. She offered you a ride home, but you politely declined, insisting you call an Uber instead. She had gone, and you had stayed. Ally had been behind the bar for a little while now, and you find yourself approaching it and setting yourself down on one of the barstools.

"Did you know I was coming here?" You ask, Ally turns upon hearing your voice.

"How would I? Did you know I was here?"

"Presumed you wouldn't be." You mutter.

"Well then what a pleasant coincidence." You used to believe that coincidence meant that you were on the right path. This? Well, who knows. "Will you try The Leg Spreader now, darling?" That silly little grin.

"You need to stop."

"Stop what?" Sickly sweet, feigning innocence.

"You know what." Ally tuts at your comment, disregarding it completely. You can't do this. You tell Ally you're going to the bathroom in an attempt to regain what shred of composure you have left. The alcohol was not helping, despite prior opinions.

You don't make it to the bathroom. Before you reach the door, you're pulled away by a strong grip on your wrist, pulled into another room. The office. Ally uses her foot to close the door and she snakes her arm around you to lock it, all while her mouth is on yours. Ally kisses you with so much passion, so much fire. And maybe you're a fool to submit so easily but in this moment, being a fool didn't seem so bad. Not when her mouth is devouring you like it is, not when her hands are wandering aimlessly like they are. Ally's lips leave yours before moving to your neck.

You're not interested in another secret rendezvous, another meaningless fuck. You have fallen too hard for it to remain unimportant.

"Ally." Ally hums in response. "Ally." You say firmer this time, as firm as you can but Ally does not stop. You pull away, breathing irregular. You can still feel her mouth on you, you can still feel the heat of her skin against your own.

"Sweetheart?" You bury your face in your hands. What do you do?

"I- I can't."

"Can't what?" A single tear rolls down your cheek. Ally's expression switches from confused, to concerned. She looks like she wants the reach out for you, she resists. "Baby, why are you crying?" The gentle lull to her tone is softer than you have ever heard her speak. You imagine that's the sort of way she speaks to her son when he's upset, or sick. "Tell me what to do, let me help. Please don't cry." She does move closer this time, cautiously, like you would run if she moved too fast. The tears continue to fall. The weight of the sadness, the yearning, the love crushing you with their unbearable weight.

"I want you to stay."

"I'm right here."

"I need you to stay."

"I'm here." She uses her thumb to brush at a tear.

"But you won't."

"I don't understan-"

"You won't stay if I told you I loved you."

It wasn't supposed to be like this. It wasn't supposed to be so painful- yet despite it all, you know that it's Ally. It has always been Ally, it will always be Ally.

You meet Ally's face, afraid of what she might say in response. It's emotionless, that can't be a good sign. Suddenly, the harsh reality of the situation hits you full force, like a brick to the face. Ally is married, she has a son.

"Oh god- I- I need to." You fumble for the door handle behind you, but Ally takes hold of your arm, halting your actions. Preventing you from leaving.

"I'm getting a divorce." You open your mouth to speak but a manicured finger is placed on your lips. "Let me finish darling. I'm getting a divorce. I don't love Ivy, the love was gone a long time ago. I hated myself every time I left you, I wanted to stay with you, forever, I did. I do. How am I supposed to stay married to Ivy when you're the one that I love? I'm ashamed of the way we've done this, I don't even know your favourite colour, I know nothing about where you're from or who your family is. The one thing I do know, the one thing I'm certain of, is that I am so in love with you Y/N."

It was like you had been awakened.

"You mean it?"

"I've never been so sure of anything in my whole life."

Loving Ally had been a whirlwind of pain, grief and longing. Yet, loving Ally had been beautiful. None of that mattered anymore, for you would be loving Ally, for the rest of your life.

#american horror story #sarah paulson #sarah paulson x reader #ally mayfair richards #ahs cult #ally mayfair x reader

103 notes · View notes

wisdomrays · 3 years ago

Text

QUESTIONS & ANSWERS: Why Was the Prophet Polygamous?: Part 2

Khadija was the Prophet's first wife. As mentioned above, she married him before his call to Prophethood. Even though she was 15 years his senior, she bore all of his children, except for Ibrahim, who did not survive infancy. Khadija was also his friend, the sharer of his inclinations and ideals to a remarkable degree. Their marriage was wonderfully blessed, for they lived together in profound harmony for 23 years. Through every trial and persecution launched by the Makkan unbelievers, she was his dearest companion and helper. He loved her very deeply and married no other woman while she was alive.

This marriage is the ideal of intimacy, friendship, mutual respect, support, and consolation. Though faithful and loyal to all his wives, he never forgot Khadija and mentioned her virtues and merits extensively on many occasions. He married another woman only 4 or 5 years after Khadija's death. Until that time, he served as both a mother and a father to his children, providing their daily food and provisions as well as bearing their troubles and hardships. To allege that such a man was a sensualist or driven by sexual lust is nonsensical.

'A'isha was the daughter of Abu Bakr, his closest friend and devoted follower. One of the earliest converts, Abu Bakr had long hoped to cement the deep attachment between himself and the Prophet through marriage. By marrying 'A'isha, the Prophet accorded the highest honor and courtesy to a man who had shared all the good and bad times with him. In this way, Abu Bakr and 'A'isha acquired the distinction of being spiritually and physically close to the Prophet.

'A'isha proved to be a remarkably intelligent and wise woman, for she had both the nature and temperament to carry forward the work of Prophetic mission. Her marriage prepared her to be a spiritual guide and teacher to all women. She became one of the Prophet's major students and disciples. Through him, like so many Muslims of that blessed time, her skills and talents were matured and perfected so that she could join him in the abode of bliss both as wife and as student.

Her life and service to Islam prove that such an exceptional person was worthy to be the Prophet's wife. She was one of the greatest authorities on hadith, an excellent Qur'anic commentator, and a most distinguished and knowledgeable expert on Islamic law. She truly represented the inner and outer qualities and experiences of Prophet Muhammad. This is surely why the Prophet was told in a dream that he would marry 'A'isha. Thus, when she was still innocent and knew nothing of men and worldly affairs, she was prepared and entered the Prophet's household.

Umm Salama of the Makhzum clan, was first married to her cousin. The couple had embraced Islam at the very beginning and emigrated to Abyssinia to avoid persecution. After their return, they and their four children migrated to Madina. Her husband participated in many battles and died after being severely wounded at the Battle of Uhud. Abu Bakr and 'Umar proposed marriage to her, aware of her needs and suffering as a destitute widow with children to support. She refused, believing that no one could be better than her late husband.

Some time after that, the Prophet proposed marriage. This was quite right and natural, for this great woman had never shied from sacrifice and suffering for Islam. Now that she was alone after having lived many years in the noblest Arabian clan, she could not be neglected and left to beg her way in life. Considering her piety, sincerity, and what she had suffered, she certainly deserved to be helped. By marrying her, the Prophet was doing what he had always done: befriending those lacking in friends, supporting the unsupported, and protecting the unprotected. In her present circumstances, there was no kinder or more gracious way of helping her.

Umm Salama also was intelligent and quick to understand. She had all the capacities and gifts to become a spiritual guide and teacher. When the Prophet took her under his protection, a new student to whom all women would be grateful was accepted into the school of knowledge and guidance. As the Prophet was now almost 60, marrying a widow with many children and assuming the related expenses and responsibilities can only be understood as an act of compassion that deserves our admiration for his infinite reserves of humanity.

Umm Habiba was the daughter of Abu Sufyan, an early and most determined enemy of the Prophet and supporter of Makkah's polytheistic and idolatrous religion. Yet his daughter was one of the earliest Muslims. She emigrated to Abyssinia with her husband, where he eventually renounced his faith and embraced Christianity. Although separated from her husband, she remained a Muslim. Shortly after that, her husband died and she was left all alone and desperate in exile.

The Companions, at that time few in number and barely able to support themselves, could not offer much help. So, what were her options? She could convert to Christianity and get help that way (unthinkable). She could return to her father's home, now a headquarters of the war against Islam (unthinkable). She could wander from house to house as a beggar, but again it was an unthinkable option for a member of one of the richest and noblest Arab families to bring shame upon her family name by doing so.

God recompensed Umm Habiba for her lonely exile in an insecure environment among people of a different race and religion, and for her despair at her husband's apostasy and death, by arranging for the Prophet to marry her. Learning of her plight, the Prophet sent an offer of marriage through the king Negus. This noble and generous action was a practical proof of: We have not sent you save as a mercy for all creatures (21:107).

Thus Umm Habiba joined the Prophet's household as a wife and student, and contributed much to the moral and spiritual life of those who learned from her. This marriage linked Abu Sufyan's powerful family to the Prophet's person and household, which caused its members to re-evaluate their attitudes. It also is correct to trace the influence of this marriage, beyond the family of Abu Sufyan and to the Umayyads in general, who ruled the Muslims for almost a century.

This clan, whose members had been the most fanatical in their hatred of Islam, produced some of Islam's most renowned early warriors, administrators, and governors. Without doubt, it was this marriage that began this change, for the Prophet's depth of generosity and magnanimity of soul surely overwhelmed them.

Zaynab bint Jahsh was a lady of noble birth and a close relative of the Prophet. She was, moreover, a woman of great piety, who fasted much, kept long vigils, and gave generously to the poor. When the Prophet arranged for her to marry Zayd, an African exslave whom he had adopted as his son, Zaynab's family and Zaynab herself were at first unwilling. The family had hoped to marry their daughter to the Prophet. But when they realized that the Prophet had decided otherwise, they consented out of deference to their love for the Prophet and his authority.

Zayd had been enslaved as a child during a tribal war. Khadija, who had bought him, had given him to Muhammad as a present when she married him. The Prophet had freed immediately him and, shortly afterwards, adopted him as his son. He insisted on this marriage to establish and fortify equality between the Muslims, and to break down the Arab prejudice against a slave or even freedman marrying a free-born woman.

The marriage was an unhappy one. The noble-born Zaynab was a good Muslim of a most pious and exceptional quality. The freedman Zayd was among the first to embrace Islam, and he also was a good Muslim. Both loved and obeyed the Prophet, but they were not a compatible couple. Zayd asked the Prophet several times to allow them to divorce. However, he was told to persevere with patience and not separate from Zaynab.

But then one day Gabriel came with a Divine Revelation that the Prophet's marriage to Zaynab was a bond already contracted: We have married her to you (33:37). This command was one of the severest trials the Prophet, had yet had to face, for he was being told to break a social taboo. Yet it had to be done for the sake of God, just as God commanded. 'A'isha later said: "Had the Messenger been inclined to suppress any part of the Revelation, surely he would have suppressed this verse."

Divine wisdom decreed that Zaynab join the Prophet's household, so that she could be prepared to guide and enlighten the Muslims. As his wife, she proved herself most worthy of her new position by always being aware of her responsibilities and the courtesies proper to her role, all of which she fulfilled to universal admiration.

Before Islam, an adopted son was considered a natural son. Therefore, an adopted son's wife was considered as a natural son's wife would be. According to the Qur'anic verse, former "wives of your sons proceeding from your loins" fall within the prohibited degrees of marriage. But this prohibition does not apply to adopted sons, for there is no real consanguinity. What now seems obvious was not so then. This deeply rooted tribal taboo was broken by this marriage, just as God had intended.

To have an unassailable authority for future generations of Muslims, the Prophet had to break this taboo himself. It is one more instance of his deep faith that he did as he was told, and freed his people from a legal fiction that obscured a biological, natural reality.

Juwayriya bint Harith the daughter of Harith, chief of the defeated Bani Mustaliq clan, was captured during a military campaign. She was held with other members of her proud family alongside her clan's "common" people. She was in great distress when she was taken to the Prophet, for her kinsmen had lost everything and she felt profound hate and enmity for the Muslims. The Prophet understood her wounded pride, dignity, and suffering; more important, he understood how to deal with these issues effectively. He agreed to pay her ransom, set her free, and offered to marry her.

When the Ansar and the Muhajirun realized that the Bani Mustaliq now were related to the Prophet by marriage, they freed about 100 families that had not yet been ransomed. A tribe so honored could not be allowed to remain in slavery. In this way, the hearts of Juwayriya and her people were won. Those 100 families blessed the marriage. Through his compassionate wisdom and generosity, the Prophet turned a defeat for some into a victory for all, and what had been an occasion of enmity and distress became one of friendship and joy.

Safiyya bint Huyayy was the daughter of the chieftains of the Jewish tribe of Khaybar, who had persuaded the Bani Qurayza to break their treaty with the Prophet. From her earliest days, she had seen her family and relatives oppose the Prophet. She had lost her father, brother, and husband in battles against the Muslims, and eventually was captured by them.

The attitudes and actions of her family and relatives might have nurtured in her a deep desire for revenge. However, 3 days before the Prophet reached Khaybar, she dreamed of a brilliant moon coming out from Madina, moving toward Khaybar, and falling into her lap. She later said: "When I was captured, I began to hope that my dream would come true." When she was brought before the Prophet as a captive, he set her free and offered her the choice of remaining a Jewess and returning to her people, or entering Islam and becoming his wife. "I chose God and his Messenger" she said. Shortly after that, they were married.

Elevated to the Prophet's household, she witnessed at first hand the Muslims' refinement and true courtesy. Her attitude to her past experiences changed, and she came to appreciate the great honor of being the Prophet's wife. As a result of this marriage, the attitude of many Jews changed as they came to see and know the Prophet closely. It is worth noting that such close relations between Muslims and non-Muslims can help people to understand each other better and to establish mutual respect and tolerance as social norms.

Sawda bint Zam'ah ibn Qays was the widow of Sakran. Among the first to embrace Islam, they had emigrated to Abyssinia to escape the Makkans' persecution. Sakran died in exile, and left his wife utterly destitute. As the only means of assisting her, the Prophet, though himself having a hard time making ends meet, married her. This marriage took place some time after Khadija's death.

Hafsa was the daughter of 'Umar ibn al-Khattab, the future second caliph of Islam. This good lady had lost her husband, who emigrated to both Abyssinia and Madina, where he was fatally wounded during a battle in the path of God. She remained without a husband for a while. 'Umar desired the honor and blessing of being close to the Prophet in this world and in the Hereafter. The Prophet honored this desire by marrying Hafsa to protect and to help the daughter of his faithful disciple.

Given the above facts, it is clear that the Prophet married these women for a variety of reasons: to provide helpless or widowed women with dignified subsistence; to console and honor enraged or estranged tribes; to bring former enemies into some degree of relationship and harmony; to gain certain uniquely gifted men and women for Islam; to establish new norms of relationship between people within the unifying brotherhood of faith in God; and to honor with family bonds the two men who were to be the first leaders of the Muslim community after his death. These marriages had nothing to do with self-indulgence, personal desire, or lust. With the exception of 'A'isha, all of the Prophet's wives were widows, and all of his post-Khadija marriages were contracted when he was already an old man. Far from being acts of self-indulgence, these marriages were acts of self-discipline.

Part of that discipline was providing each wife with the most meticulously observed justice, dividing equally whatever slender resources he allowed for their subsistence, accommodation, and allowance. He also divided his time with them equally, and regarded and treated them with equal friendship and respect. The fact that all of his wives got on well with each other is no small tribute to his genius for creating peace and harmony. With each of them, he was not only a provider but also a friend and companion.

The number of the Prophet's wives was a dispensation unique to him. Some of the merits and wisdom of this dispensation, as we understand them, have been explained. All other Muslims are allowed a maximum of four wives at one time. When that Revelation restricting polygamy came, the Prophet's marriages had already been contracted. Thereafter, he married no other women.

310 notes · View notes