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eviesaurusrex · 1 year

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ᴛʜᴇ ʟᴀꜱᴛ ꜱʜᴏᴡ | ʜ. ꜱᴛʏʟᴇꜱ

GIFs not mine!

Harry Styles x Wife!Reader

summary: Harry’s final show is over, and now the aftermath is hitting.

word count: 1.7k

warnings: crying, mentions of pregnancy (I couldn’t help it, sorry 👉🏻👈🏻), and dad-to-be!Harry, fluff, soft!reader, soft!Harry, more crying, just fluffness, not entirely proofread

author’s note: I only could watch parts of the livestream and saw videos on Twitter, and because I was so emotional over this, I had to write something. This is my first time writing in a while, so please bear with me, thaaaaanks

* * *

YN would have to lie if she told anybody her eyes were entirely dry over the course of his final show. No one would believe her anyway because the internet was full of evidence that she certainly had been crying—she had been a never-ending waterfall from the minute the intro had started, and Harry arrived on stage.

Maybe her hormones were already more chaotic and over the top than she had anticipated.

But seeing him falling to his knees, overwhelmed by all the emotions crashing down on him, seeing his loyal fans in numbers of thousands gathered to celebrate him and his last night on tour, also took her in. A moment after, she had found herself in the embraces of Anne and Gemma, all three women watching the man they loved so deeply and dearly doing what he loved the most while the venue cheered for him. It was an otherworldly moment, YN was sure of it. Her heart ached in astonishing proudness, in overwhelming love and devotion, but also in sympathy because the woman already knew how hard this was for Harry. He just loved his work just as much as he loved her. But she would be ready to catch him from falling and build him up again if he needed it.

Apparently, Harry’s goal tonight was to make this even more emotional than it already was, to ingrain it in her memory for all the years ahead of them, as he stood again and slowly, still in awe, walked back to the microphone stand, the Love Band in his back. YN only could wipe away the last fallen tears, her head resting against Anne’s shoulder, feeling Gemma’s head resting on hers, before Harry’s next words let new salty oceans well up in her already red eyes.

“This-this tour was the biggest adventure so far in my life, and-and I will be forever grateful for the experiences I was fortunate enough to have, thanks to all of you. I will never forget that. Never. But now—“ His still watery eyes searched through the crowds until he seemingly found her, a knowing smile stretching over his lips. “Now, I’ll aboard the grandest adventure of a lifetime, feeling prepared enough not to make a fool out of myself, for not letting this gorgeous, gorgeous woman—“ He pointed in her direction, and the fans screamed as some of them seemed to realize what he was telling them. “—down and disappoint her. You helped me to grow over the past two years, and becoming a dad isn’t so frightening anymore.” Now, everyone caught up to it, the venue boomed and buzzed with excitement, and YN couldn’t hold back the pent-up tears and the smile appearing on her face.

This really was a final show to behold.

“Thank you to all of you. I might be gone for a while, but I’ll come back with something magical. I promise. Stay true, stay wild, stay kind. Remember everything will be alright.”

* * *

It took almost two hours until YN saw Harry rounding the corner and walking toward her in their hotel room. She had already gotten ready for the night, had ordered dinner for them, and got the place as cozy as possible. They wouldn’t stay long here before finally heading to Harry’s Italian sanctuary, reveling in the endless amounts of free and uninterrupted time together, distressing from this incredible tour, and preparing everything for the new addition to their small family.

“Hey,” she whispered as Harry wordlessly sank to his knees in front of the bed, kneeling between her legs and resting his head against her chest. YN could hear him humming in contentment as her fingers started to card through his still-damp hair, not caring for the sweat clinging to him. “You were incredible. I am so, so proud.” She continued to whisper praise after praise, interrupted only by soft kisses to the top of Harry’s head until she felt his shoulders shake under her loving hands and the quiet sobs pressed out against her top. “Oh, baby…” Tightly, they held onto one another, feeling each other as closely as possible while he drenched her shirt in much-needed tears and never let go of her.

YN didn’t care a millisecond for her clothes and let him cry until the only sounds inside the hotel room were his heavy, shaky breaths and her soothing voice, whispering sweet nothings into his soft curls, against his forehead, his temple. She felt his strong hands on her back, his long fingers burying into the soft fabric of her shirt, which had been once his a long time ago. Not able to stop, YN continued to press kisses to every spot she could reach and gently guided him through the emotional turmoil of the aftermath as best as she could.

After some time, Harry inhaled deeply before a long, deep sigh released it again, his body now unmoving resting against hers, slowly relaxing in her embrace. In one moment, he was like warmed clay under her hands, molding perfectly against her, and in the next, his hands had wrapped her legs around his waist, and he carried her wordlessly into the adjacent bathroom, gently placing her on the bench next to the shower. YN knew he needed her close, even though he stepped under the warm water stream alone at first. Without so much as a second thought, she discarded the clothes, ignored the fact that she had already showered earlier, and stepped right behind him into the glass cabin.

Hands softly, lovingly, glided over his hips before arms wrapped themselves around it, a face pressed against his back, fingers slowly tracing every single dark inked line on warm skin. Featherlike kisses flew over his back, and she could hear him sigh again, still not saying a word, still contemplating the last hours. Another heavy, shaky inhale was the sign of the next set of tears, and now, he turned in her arms and buried his face in the crook of her neck, pulling her as closely as possible to hold onto something in the sea of overwhelming emotions.

“It’s okay, love. Let it out. I’m here,” YN could only mumble against his shoulder, feeling somewhat helpless and on the verge of crying herself while the hormones started to run havoc inside her once again. But she never had liked seeing him upset or even crying, to begin with, too empathetic not to be fazed by it. Most times, she had cried alongside him until they laughed under tears which had always changed the mood to something brighter. But now, YN felt it wasn’t her place to cry along, so she bottled it up, forcing the traitorous tears down and let her hand find his cheek to gently caress it with the pad of her thumb.

Harry mumbled something inaudible against her neck, grabbing her tighter than before. “Hm? What was that?” YN asked quietly, her words almost drowned by the still-running shower. “Don’t think I’m mourning this tour more than I want to spend time with you,” he repeated himself and pulled his head back to let their foreheads meet again. “My career isn’t more important than you. Or the family we’re starting.” Blinking stunned, YN softly furrowed her brows, slowly shaking her head. “I’d never think that,” she finally whispered, not sure where this came from all of a sudden. Her thumbs wiped away the remaining tears. “There wasn’t a single moment in the past eight years where I felt like a second choice. I never thought you prioritized your career over me. So… Never think that. Okay? We know we’re loved without measure, beyond compare, H.”

At that, Harry started to smile, eyes still watery, and placed one of his hands over the place where his second true love was safely growing. “Thank you, sunflower.” It was only a whisper, voice filled with wonder, as he looked down at the woman who had decided he was worthy enough for her love all those years ago and who had grown alongside him. And now she gifted him the most precious thing he could ever ask for: fatherhood with the woman he loved more than anything else at his side.

YN smiled up at him and let Harry kiss her softly. “Nothing to thank me for, love. It’s my job. I’ll always be here to catch you, just as I have always done.“ Mumbling against his lips, she couldn’t let go of him, but soon, she was wrapped in a fluffy towel, and Harry lovingly dried her hair, always watching her through the mirror above the sink with a loving expression. She watched him just as closely, seeing that one familiar spark of inspiration lighting up in his mesmerizing eyes, but he contained himself. YN couldn’t have any of that. “You can go and do your magic, y’know? Dinner should be here soon, and the little bean and I can entertain ourselves.” But she should’ve known better and allowed Harry to pull her back against his chest. “The music can wait. I need this. Need you. Time with you. Wanna talk about anything and everything. Want to talk to the little bean. I want to have dinner with my wife on the balcony. I want to sleep in with her tomorrow before we head out to the villa.”

Sometimes, YN couldn’t comprehend her luck, couldn’t comprehend how it was possible for someone to love another human so deeply. It was like a miracle.

Grinning, she let both brows wander up in question. “Have you ever thought about telling your fans that the Harry Styles is not only becoming a dad but is also a married man?” A chuckle escaped them at that, and she still wondered how they had been so successful in keeping secrets from the world. “Maybe after coming back,” he continued to chuckle as he bent down and kissed her right shoulder, his thumbs now sweeping over her skin like soft feathers.

The moment of contentedly looking at one another through the slightly fogged-up mirror was over as the sound of knuckles against the wooden hotel room door echoed through their rooms. Harry bent down once again, his index finger resting under her chin and turning her face to capture her lips in another kiss. He just couldn’t get enough of her. “I’ll set up dinner, and you’ll get cozy again, sunflower.”

And with that, he ventured out of the bathroom, leaving a smiling YN behind.

* * *

As usual: Thanks for reading, folks <3 If you like my work, I’d be very happy if you reblog it because reblogs are super great! And I love to hear your thoughts, so hit me up whenever and however you like

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juunebuggy · 5 months

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I've been reading Dungeon Meshi and the cover for chapter 52 really stood out to me:

I think this cover so perfectly demonstrates the core themes that have been set up throughout the series thus far and also represents the characters really interestingly. Specifically the differences in their upbringings through the act of eating.

(Analysis under the cut ^_^)

First off, Laios and Falin are eating alone because they left home early in life and only have had eachother. They've had other party members but they've never enjoyed the toudens company like the two think they do, especially Laios. The two are alone because often times their party members don't actually care for them or see them as friends.

Marcille is eating in a cafeteria at her magic school, the composition is symmetrical to show the rigid lifestyle of the school and show how routine it is. It was a core time in marcilles life because she was happy and because it was structured. Often times, structure is the most comfortable thing someone can have, even if it is ultimately fleeting. School will end eventually and most of the connections you make are temporary but still effect us.

Chilchuck is eating with his family, showing the importance of his family to him. I really like this one in particular because even if his family is important to him, he'll always keep them at an arms length. His face is the only one shown, showing this about him. His face is also being cleaned by another person, showing the need for vulnerability and letting your gaurd down around people you care for, but also how Chilchuck is unwilling to do that.

Senshi is eating alone, he doesn't have a table either, showing how he lived in the dungeon for a long time and how he didn't have anyone to feed or care for even if it was something he deeply longed for. He's alone because he doesn't have anyone that could be there for him anymore, no family, no friends. I'm crying actually.

Finally, with Izutsumi she's eating with another person. Her table maners are poor, she can't hold chop sticks correctly and she's giving away the food she doesn't enjoy. We've seen this about her countless times but it's really amplified by this because it shows that she's always been like this, it's ingrained in her behaviour because no one either cared enough to try to teach her to be polite or never properly made an effort to. I'm sure Maizuru would try to fix her maners, but wouldn't do it in a thoughtful caring way that'd be actually helpful for izutsumi. She'd probably try to "whip her into shape" rather than treat her with compassion and patience.

All of these really accurately show how important connections are, how you need people. You need someone that will never treat you poorly, someone that will stick with you through thick and thin because they genuinely love you. You need the simplicity of routine, you need people that gravitate in and out of your life, those connections are important and often temporary but mean the most in the time you knew them. You need family, people you can let your gaurd down around and be truly happy with, even if it's hard to. You need people to care for, people you can feed and love in the simplest terms of helping them. And finally, you need people who teach you, people who will be there for you with kindness and treat you with compassion even when you are doing what they deem as bad.

I'm still not finished with this series but I genuinely love it so much so far. I'm barely halfway through and it's developed emotionally impactful and deeply honest themes and ideas that really strike a cord with me. It's so interesting and I can't wait to finish the series and better understand these characters ^_^

Thank you for reading all the way through!! Feel free to add your own bits of analysis or additional food for thought :33 (no spoilers tho please since I've still not finished the series)

#dunmeshi #dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon #falin touden #falin dungeon meshi #laios touden #laios dungeon meshi #marcille donato #marcille dungeon meshi #senshi of izganda #senshi dungeon meshi #chilchuk tims #chilchuck dungeon meshi #izutsumi dungeon meshi #izutsumi #long post #text post #analysis #dungeon meshi analysis

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saturnsbabyboii · 1 year

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The Black Moon Lilith in the signs and houses (Our core fear, inner saboteur, healing and transformation)

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Note: I heavily use the work of Laura Walker’s book that I will reference. I used her wording and point of view from the book because she worded better than I could. So don’t come for me with any plagiarism crap. Thank you.

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"power comes from strife"

୧‿︵‿୨

Black Moon Lilith operates on unseen levels. It pertains to hidden information, exposes secrets, and brings our core and primary fears to light. Fears from our shadow side cause us to undermine ourselves, and even others. Black Moon Lilith is the lingering feeling that stabs your consciousness and triggers you; If you don't listen to it, you'll grow vicious and paranoid of others and yourself.

My interpretation of the shadow is that it is the home of our primal fear. A fear that has significant power in our lives. It is based on primal, instinctual levels and operates on survival principles. The primary fear is a primary motivator for many of our life decisions.

In the book "The Astrology of the Black Moon: A Guide to Healing the Shadow Side" (Walker, 2011)

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The writer identified the twelve signs and their innate and core fears:

ARIES: fear of unworthiness

Theme: The Shadow of Success

Primary Fear: fear of unworthiness

Self-judgment: how well one performs or measures up

Issues: success; identity; questions about inherent value, self-esteem, and merit

Projection: others‟ success and worthiness are based on what they have attained or accomplished

Goals: to not compare yourself to others; to not measure personal success by anyone else standards, to value yourself as a unique expression of the Creator, therefore, creating self-esteem

Manifestation: The Black Moon in Aries manifests in the intense quest to be valued and feel worthy. However, a deep-seated feeling of unworthiness is in conflict with this quest, often causing beneficial opportunities to be passed up. In life, we are only able to receive what we think we deserve, and when we feel undeserving, we will avoid or reject people, jobs, or options that we feel are too good for us. Self-sabotaging behavior often occurs with the Black Moon in Aries. There can also be a need to prove ones worthiness to others, even in the form of subtle bragging. The Black Moon in Aries staunchly defends itself and rejects anything that does not fall in line with its ideas and beliefs.

Healing and Transcending:

With the Black Moon in Aries, the belief in inherent unworthiness must be faced. Simply by virtue of being born, we are entitled to and worthy of the joys of life. If All is One, then none are less than others. Each of us carries a spark of the Divine - none are excluded. Healing occurs when we are able to see ourselves as successful and worthy because we are a child of the Universe. When we recognize this, we understand that all other gauges are external and superficial. By holding ourselves in high regard, we naturally align with our highest and best.

Examine where you have settled for less than you wished.

Ask yourself what you would do if somehow, magically, a wand was waved and you were deemed worthy. Strive to connect with this vision.

Ask yourself how much the appearance of success plays in your life.

Ask yourself what you are always trying to win. When you discover the answer, decide if you really want it. Is it worth the effort? By practicing the awareness that you do not have to be the best in every situation, you will come to a natural state of internal balance.

Black Moon in Aries: Johnny Cash, Kurt Cobain, Albert Einstein, Elizabeth I, Mahatma Gandhi, Michael Jackson, Prince, Vladimir Lenin, Mary Queen of Scots, Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, Mark Zuckerberg

Black Moon in the 1st House

Challenges: The greatest challenges of the shadow are deeply related to how we feel about ourselves. The shadow side is ingrained in how we use our personal energy, what motivates us and our sense of overall wellbeing. Personal appearance or the way we appear to others is often a major concern. If the shadow is heavily in control, our behavior patterns will strongly reflect it. This placement of the Black Moon is intensely personal and our shadow issues will have a dramatic impact on our lives.

Gift: The gift of the shadow is the vast amount of personal energy at our disposal. This level of energy can produce fantastic healers and immensely creative individuals. We can accomplish monumental feats and have an uncanny ability to turn “negatives” into “positives.”

TAURUS: fear of scarcity

Theme: The Shadow of Security

Primary Fear: fear of scarcity

Self-judgment: how secure/safe one is by the level of comfort

Issues: having enough to feel safe; compulsive consumption; insecurities

Projection: the tendency to criticize others for being lazy, irresponsible (especially with money), or unconventional

Goals: to not fill the void with “things,” to stretch beyond your comfort zone

Manifestation: With Black Moon in Taurus, the more we have, the more comfortable we feel. In turn, the more comfortable we feel, the safer we think we are. With this placement, there is an intense need to feel comfortable because there is a generalized feeling of being unsafe in the world. The Black Moon in Taurus manifests in an almost insatiable desire to consume and accumulate possessions, money, or anything that makes us feel safe and secure. However, no matter how much we acquire, it will never be enough because the void that we are trying to fill cannot be filled in this way. It may be filled momentarily, but the core feeling of insecurity will soon return. Oftentimes, the end result of this constant attempt to satisfy the fear of not having enough is the accumulation of debt, weight, or responsibilities – usually the exact things we are trying to avoid. With this placement of the Black Moon, there is an intense need to feel satisfied. Insecurities are held very deeply and there is tremendous fear of others knowing those insecurities.

Healing and Transcending:

The belief that the world is unsafe must be confronted. Integrating the idea that we have all that we need inside is what heals this shadow. When we build on who we really are inside, we no longer need to accumulate possessions to feel secure. When we accept that all is going according to a divine plan, we no longer need to fear the events of the world. No matter what, each of us always returns to our Source. This is the security that Black Moon in Taurus seeks.

Cut back on whatever is filling the void. This will bring immediate discomfort and it will leave you with time on your hands. It is important to learn how to “not do” – to become comfortable with stillness. The next time you feel the need to take on more, buy more, or eat more, go and sit by yourself and put on some music, read, practice yoga or throttle down in some way. By practicing being still when you are most uncomfortable, you will be feeding your inner world and requiring less from the outer world.

Black Moon in Taurus: J.S. Bach, Patsy Cline, Howard Hughes, Abraham Lincoln, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Wilhelm Reich, Henry David Thoreau, Vincent van Gogh, Lady Gaga, Kanye West, Lana Del Rey, Bruce Lee, Celine Dion, Joseph Stalin

Black Moon in the 2nd House

Challenges: The greatest challenges of the shadow are deeply related to how secure we feel. Financial considerations seem to plague us. The shadow side blurs the lines between emotional needs and material/financial needs; attitudes toward partners can hinge on security issues. The shadow side is ingrained in our value systems, which can at times seem at odds with our behavior.

Gift: The gift of the shadow is the generous, comfortable feeling we engender in others, resulting in many meaningful, lasting interpersonal relationships. People truly enjoy being with us, finding us not only charming but disarming.

GEMINI: fear of rejection

Theme: The Shadow of Acceptance

Primary Fear: fear of rejection

Self-judgment: how one compares to others

Issues: whether others approve or disapprove

Projection: labeling others as selfish; distaste for people who fail to do “the right thing”

Goals: to not care if people like or want you, to not compare yourself to others, to express your individuality

Manifestation:

Those with the Black Moon in Gemini are morbidly afraid of rejection. They are people pleasers, which often leaves them wondering “what it is we ourselves like and dislike”. This shadow manifests as a need to make decisions or act in accordance with whatever gains acceptance from others. It is damaging to the soul to pursue a life that others wish for us, as it comes at the expense of the expression of individual talents. Actions based on or motivated by another leads to a suppression of the true self. It is a great disservice not to explore who we really are. It is also dangerous to “over-do” for others in hopes that they will like us; ultimately it leads to burn out. At the other end of the spectrum, this placement causes sudden and severe reactions to anything that hints at potential rejection, often causing serious challenges with relationships because we will reject someone before they can reject us. The Black Moon in Gemini will bail out too early or stay way too long.

Healing and Transcending:

With the Black Moon in Gemini, it is necessary to face the need for others‟ approval. Each of us has something special to offer the world. What is important is not if others approve of us, but if we approve of ourselves. That sounds very cliché, but with Black Moon in Gemini we need to provide our own approval. When you are able to consciously put yourself on the line to be rejected, intending that the outcome will not hinder your spirit, you will have regained the power that is trapped in the shadow side. When the shadow is healed, rejection ceases to be an issue because inner acceptance has been achieved - creating a wealth of talent that is available to the world.

Examine where you are not being self-“ish” or operating from your true self.

When making decisions and planning your time and resources, ask yourself who you are doing it for. The answer should always be “for myself – for my highest and best which in turn serves the highest and best of everyone.” This doesn‟t mean you are supposed to forget about others; it means that you put yourself into the equation. Healing this shadow requires vigilant monitoring of your time, energy, and money and how you spend them. It will quickly become apparent when your energy is scattered and whose approval you are seeking. By practicing making little decisions based on your own needs, you will integrate and balance you in relation to others.

Black Moon in Gemini: Marlon Brando, Karl Marx, Frank Sinatra, Mark Twain, Mariah Carey, Joe Biden, Muhammed Ali, Frida Kahlo, Harrison Ford, Stephen Hawking, Shia LeBeouf, Kendrick Lamar, Yoko Ono

Black Moon in the 3rd House

Challenges: The greatest challenges of the shadow are deeply related to self- expression. The shadow side is ingrained in rigid attitudes and strong opinions that can cause us an endless amount of trouble. At times there is overwhelming confusion about the direction we want to take in life. Early life has a more pronounced effect on us than others. The outgrowths of childhood weave their way through later life in the most resolute ways. Issues with siblings can linger throughout adulthood.

Gift: The gift of the shadow is our uncanny, exacting powers of observation and communication. These talents can be applied in a multitude of ways. Also, our accuracy in perceiving situations gives us a definite advantage in life.

CANCER: fear of abandonment

Theme: The Shadow of Support

Primary Fear: fear of abandonment

Self-Judgment: how well one is supported; how much others do or give

Issues: dependency; co-dependency

Projection: tendency to dislike those we deem “needy”

Goals: to do things for ourselves, to not be dependent or “clingy”

Manifestation:

Black Moon in Cancer carries a pervasive feeling of being unable to take care of oneself. This shadow manifests in the need to manipulate situations so that one is dependent on others. In this way we are assured of not being alone. This distorted sense of support wreaks havoc on relationships, as others feel burdened or smothered. Many times with the Black Moon in Cancer we feel unappreciated for the things we do for others. The chronic feeling of not being supported halts personal growth, as personal needs are met by others, not by ourselves.

Healing and Transcending:

The dependence on others for support must be faced. We must provide our own support by not abandoning ourselves. This means taking care of and addressing our own needs. Action that is in favor of self-sufficiency is in order. Action that is undertaken for others should be unconditional. When the concept of Oneness is integrated, the idea of abandonment is no longer valid and relationships naturally equalize to a state of balance.

Begin doing the things that you want others to do for you all by yourself. The next time you need something that you would normally ask another to provide for you, go ahead and get it yourself. Begin with small things but work your way up to major ones.

Do something that you never would have done on your own. By practicing doing more for yourself you will balance the shadow that depends too heavily on others.

Set up individual systems of support such as retirement funds or other accounts.

Black Moon in Cancer: Jimi Hendrix, Henry VIII, Janice Joplin, John F. Kennedy, Jr., Malcolm X, Princess Diana, Jennifer Aniston, Elvis Presley, Jay Z, Robin Williams, Paul McCartney, Charles Manson, Naomi Campbell, Kobe Bryant, Rupaul, Paul Newman, Al Capone

Black Moon in the 4th House

Challenges: The greatest challenges of the shadow are related to our foundation and sense of home. The shadow is ingrained with an overidentification with home and much effort is devoted to cultivating a feeling of belonging. With this placement, relationships with parents (particularly the mother) are often difficult, especially if our parents did not provide a strong home. There is a tendency to be stuck in the past and/or unable to forgive and forget.

Gift: The gift of the shadow is the ability to not only be sensitive to, but accommodate other people needs. If we truly trust someone, we will provide whatever is necessary to make that person happy, making us exceptional partners.

LEO: fear of change

Theme: The Shadow of Order

Primary Fear: fear of change

Self-judgment: the level or station one has achieved

Issues: order; position; arrogance; self-centeredness; jealousy

Projection: distaste for or identification with overbearing, vain, or “selfish” people

Goals: to identify and vocalize others‟ talents and strengths, to identify the opportunities presented by changes, to eliminate feeling jealous

Manifestation:

The Black Moon in Leo assaults the ego. It manifests in egocentricity and arrogance. With this placement we are frequently accused of being selfish. This is because our attention is naturally attracted to whatever reinforces our position in life. Any ideas to the contrary are quickly dismissed. The fear of change morphs into the fear of losing face or losing position. Rigid attempts to maintain the existing order, framework, or mindset are common and can lead to exhaustion.

Healing and Transcending:

With the Black Moon in Leo, the need for classification and designation must be faced. In truth, there is no hierarchy – All is One. Change is the nature of the Universe and change brings the opportunity for growth. We each have roles that we slip in and out of; the key is to fluidly take on positions and situations where we both lead and follow so that nothing remains static. It is also important to remember that, by definition, Divine Order is never threatened.

Give to others. Black Moon in Leo has a tremendous capacity to uplift. ø When you encounter new situations, consider how you could empower someone else who is involved. How could you make them feel more important? Think about how you could give something of yourself to someone else.

When you are with others, practice trying to discover something very special about them in that moment and then casually mention it.

Try new things. By practicing changing the order of things, you are healing your shadow.

Black Moon in Leo: Charles de Gaulle, Ernest Hemingway, Elizabeth II, Lyndon B. Johnson, John F. Kennedy, Robert F. Kennedy, Marilyn Monroe, Vladimir Putin, Jim Morrison, Pablo Picasso, Christopher Reeve, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Leo Tolstoy, Barack Obama, Rihanna, Adele

Black Moon in the 5th House

Challenges: The greatest challenges of the shadow are related to the ability to truly enjoy life. This shadow is ingrained in pursuing, but having difficulty finding, pleasure. We are prone to take risks in order to feel stimulated. Issues with the father are found with this placement. The father may have been absent or neglectful, especially if Saturn is prominent. This shadow side may also center on children, either wanting children and not having them or not taking care of ones children.

Gift: The gift of the shadow is resiliency. No matter how disappointed we become, we are rarely down for long. We are excellent problem solvers and leaders. We adapt well to changes and can fluidly change course in mid-stride.

VIRGO: fear of failure

Theme: The Shadow of Ability

Primary Fear: fear of failure

Self-judgment: how much one works, progresses, improves, or fixes

Issues: feelings of being inherently flawed; self-criticism

Projection: feeling that others are not performing well enough or are incompetent

Goals: to not focus on flaws or failures, to not do things to excess, to not feel responsible to fix everything

Manifestation:

Black Moon in Virgo finds flaws and then internalizes them. This shadow manifests in chronic dissatisfaction, particularly with oneself. With this placement, we often find it difficult to feel positive about ourselves for great lengths of time. All too soon, a generalized feeling of being “not good enough” creeps back in to maintain internal disequilibrium. Black Moon in Virgo constantly challenges our abilities and, in an effort to prove ourselves, we tend to maintain a very full schedule. We work very hard but can have trouble seeing the forest for the trees, as we operate under the spell of having to do more and more to prove to ourselves and others that we are not flawed. This shadow is the most adept at self punishment.

Healing and Transcending:

With the Black Moon in Virgo, the need to find fault must be faced. A healthier state of mind is achieved when we recognize that nothing is absolute – there is no absolute right or wrong. All levels of ability have something to contribute. Healing this shadow requires understanding that flaws are an illusion. The crucial thing to understand is that when we have the Black Moon in Virgo, we interpret the feeling of separation from Spirit as somehow our fault. Everyone has the feeling of spiritual disconnection, but Black Moon in Virgo personalizes it. This is the root cause of why we feel flawed. To heal the shadow, we must accept that to some degree, this feeling is merely a by-product of the physical experience of life.

Examine where you feel you have failed. Upon closer inspection, what caused the “failure?” Was it really your fault? Was there really more you could have done or was it just not meant to be? Can you forgive yourself and others for not doing better?

Can you walk away from “failures” and feel enriched simply by having had the experience? Time is the true test of what is, at the time, perceived to be a failure. By focusing on the experience as opposed to the outcome, the shadow of ability is healed.

Black Moon in Virgo: Alexander Graham Bell, Benazir Bhutto, Sigmund Freud, Galileo, George Washington, 14th Dalai Lama, William Shakespeare, Jon Bon Jovi

Black Moon in the 6th House

Challenges: The greatest challenges of the shadow are related to health and work. At times there can be problems with co-workers, particularly regarding perceptions of our work performance. The shadow side is ingrained in the level of self-discipline we have. We may be accused of being disorganized. There is also a tendency to vacillate between ignoring our body and focusing too much on it, leading to concerns over health.

Gift: The gift of the shadow is a keen insight into the interrelatedness of things. We often hold a warehouse of information that others find helpful.

LIBRA: fear of loneliness

Theme: The Shadow of Perfection

Primary Fear: fear of loneliness/isolation

Self-judgment: personal “flaws” are harshly judged

Issues: perfection; unrealistic expectations; boundary issues

Projection: criticism of others, particularly the criticism of how things appear

Goals: to not have to have things be perfect, to be comfortable being alone, to see gray - not just black and white, to not be judgmental

Manifestation:

Black Moon in Libra values impeccability and holds everything and everyone to a high standard, especially oneself. This shadow involves pursuit of the “ideal” and keenly feels the separation from spirit. The Black Moon in Libra manifests in intense self-judgment and fragmentation of the self into pieces that are either acceptable or unacceptable. This shadow breaches boundaries and sorts through everything in an attempt to perfect it. It seeks excellence. This results in an unending series of disappointments and can form schisms in relationships. Maintaining any semblance of perfection is exhausting for anyone, but with the Black Moon in Libra, we often find ourselves complaining about being tired or not having enough time. Indecisiveness and self-deprivation are also characteristic of this shadow.

Healing and Transcending:

With the Black Moon in Libra, the need to judge must be faced. This shadow is strongly connected to the journey through the judgment of the Underworld and subsequent rebirth in a whole new way (see Chapter Five on the transits of the Black Moon). It is actually a journey to find what is truly of value. When we are able to see that love is truly the only thing of value, we find inclusion instead of separation. We begin to love all of the parts, not just some of them. When we understand that everything is connected, we see that the fear of separation is an illusion. Healing the shadow of perfection is about seeing our own (and others‟) inner perfection by allowing the “ideals” of the outer, material world to fall away.

Assess your values. When you find yourself being critical of others, ask yourself if you dislike that same thing in yourself. Examine how you separate yourself from other people. Is there a need to keep some part of you distinct from others?

When you find yourself being critical, find something valuable about the situation. You might not feel like certain things about you or others are perfect in appearance, but you may find that they are highly valuable in functionality. By practicing finding value, the shadow that believes in the idea of perfection is healed.

Black Moon in Libra: Ralph Waldo Emerson, Benito Mussolini, Tupac Shakur, Nikola Tesla

Black Moon in the 7th House

Challenges: The greatest challenges of the shadow are related to partnerships and commitment. This shadow side is urgently motivated to seek mutually-fulfilling relationships, which are often elusive. Also, other people find ways to take advantage of us, sometimes to the point of betrayal. Many times life seems unfair to us and others would probably agree. In the midst of this, there can also be issues of dependence or neediness.

Gift: The gift of the shadow is our ability to perceive and create beauty from the smallest things. Innately tuned toward balance, we easily see what is missing and then endeavor to rectify the situation. This is a very valuable skill that can be translated into many different applications.

SCORPIO: fear of loss

Theme: The Shadow of Death

Primary Fear: fear of loss

Self-judgment: based on what one has won

Issues: winning vs. losing; issues with death/endings

Projection: rescuing others

Goals: to not always have to win, to learn how to have closure, to not have to rescue, to not struggle so hard

Manifestation:

Black Moon in Scorpio will go to extreme lengths to save, assist, rescue, or win. This shadows favorite prize is something that was hard won. The Black Moon in Scorpio manifests as a deep well of despair with desperate attempts to climb out. We cling or attach to anything that stems the feeling of free-falling through life. Daily life is frequently viewed as a battle to win in order to stave off deepening feelings of loss. Sometimes even casual encounters are judged according to what was won or lost in the exchange. Black Moon in Scorpio is very strong energy that can cause intense levels of anxiety. We are especially attracted to people who are in need of assistance or who are “persecuted” in some way, as this is the preferred method to vicariously save ourselves.

Healing and Transcending:

With the Black Moon in Scorpio, the need to struggle must be faced. Nothing is ever really lost because there really is no death – only transformation into a new form. There is no need to plunge to the depths just to prove that we can win or to try to keep things from ending. Practicing the arts of gratitude and surrender is what facilitates the shift from the perspective of loss to the perspective of love. Material things fall away, but love endures forever.

Become comfortable with losing. It is essential to let go of anything that you are overly attached to.

Examine where you have invested most of your energy. Is it a losing battle? Instead of dealing with loss in an indirect way, consciously take action to give up. Imagine how relieved you would feel.

Take steps to practice ending the smallest things (like phone calls) and work up to being able to step away from situations that cannot be saved (like dead end relationships). You may be surprised to find that something else was waiting all along - you just couldn’t see it while you were busy running away from it. This is the nature of death or endings. They always precede rebirth and beginnings.

Black Moon in Scorpio: Alexander the Great, Winston Churchill, Nostredame, Steve Jobs, Emily Dickinson, Pope Francis, Walt Disney, Jeff Bezos, John D. Rockefeller, Albert Schweitzer, Mother Teresa, Eminem, Taylor Swift, Johnny Depp, Beyoncé, Dwayne Johnson, Notorious B.I.G

Black Moon in the 8th House

Challenges: The greatest challenges of the shadow are related to death, inheritance, investments, and sex. This is the most difficult house placement for the Black Moon. The shadow side is ingrained in loss; in fact, we may feel that our lives lead only to loss. With Black Moon in the eighth house, chronic anxiety may be present.

Gift: The gift of the shadow is our great depth of compassion and ability to see beyond the surface. We quickly ascertain people true motivations. Our wisdom and insight is a great benefit to those with whom we are close.

SAGITTARIUS: fear of meaninglessness

Theme: The Shadow of Truth

Primary Fear: fear of meaninglessness

Self-judgment: based on intentions and motivations

Issues: issues related to truth and honesty

Projection: distaste for people who lie or people who are naïve

Goals: to not have to have the ultimate answers, to tolerate the ordinary, to not always need “proof”

Manifestation:

The Black Moon in Sagittarius manifests in an intense relationship with the concept of “truth.” There is a great need to discern the superlative truth in all things, which causes a never ending sequence of questioning. More importantly, we need to feel like people are telling us the truth, as we do not automatically believe anything simply because it was said. Relationships can become stressed if our partners feel that they always have to prove that they are telling the truth. Themes of deception often play a role in our lives, perhaps as a victim of deception. Ongoing questions about not only our purpose in life, but the purpose of life characterize this shadow. Feelings of stagnation are not tolerated well.

Healing and Transcending:

With the Black Moon in Sagittarius, the need to continue searching must be faced. At some point, one must simply believe. Ultimately, all searching for the truth leads back to the truth that All is One. What is meaningful? Whatever we choose as meaningful is meaningful. This shadow is healed when we see that each of us has an interpretation of truth, which eliminates the need to find one superlative truth.

Take up the mantle of responsibility for creating meaning in life. Meaningfulness is found by assessing what is truly important. What is meaningful to you? When you know the answers to this question, you will have created truth – the truth according to you. Devotion of your life to your own truth heals the shadow that never believes that truth really exists.

Black Moon in Sagittarius: Helena Blavatsky, Napoleon Bonaparte, Thomas Jefferson, Carl Jung, Martin Luther King, Jr., Jack London, Claude Monet, Ronald Reagan

Black Moon in the 9th House

Challenges: The greatest challenges of the shadow are related to our outlook or philosophy in life, religion, spirituality, higher learning, the law, and the world at large. This shadow is deeply concerned with issues of morality. We hold strong opinions, often leading to conflicts with others. There is a tendency to feel disconnected from others or from ourselves. We may even feel compelled to isolate ourselves from the world around us.

Gift: The gift of the shadow is a keen intellect that we are able to translate into many fields of interest. Our knowledge encompasses a wide spectrum, affording us the ability to relate to many different people, should we so desire.

CAPRICORN: fear of neglect

Theme: The Shadow of Control

Primary Fear: fear of neglect/ not being acknowledged

Self-judgment: how well one stands out or apart

Issues: control issues; attention-seeking behavior

Projection: negative reaction to bossy, showy, or attention-seeking people; rebellion against being told what to do

Goals: to be comfortable when not in control, to stand up for yourself

Manifestation:

The Black Moon in Capricorn manifests as a need to control the course of events. When this shadow dominates, we have a tendency to be demanding. We can go to extreme efforts to gain attention. We have definite ideas about the way things should be and others often succumb to the force of our will. Frequently we refuse to give up until someone – anyone - acknowledges what we have to offer or agrees with what we think is best. A little bit of recognition goes a long way with us, but so does a little bit of neglect, and Black Moon in Capricorn has a long memory. But interpersonal relationships suffer when we wear down another free will to come into compliance with our own. This results in lackluster relationships where the joyful spark of life becomes extinguished. We are very hard workers, but we can also expect a lot from others.

Healing and Transcending:

With the Black Moon in Capricorn, we need to examine what we are trying to control. We also need to give ourselves the recognition we seek. When we are able to do this, there is no longer a drive to ensure that others follow our wishes because we already have what we need.

Examine where you need to have your way. Observe yourself carefully. Are you telling someone how, when, or what to do? Practice allowing others to go about tasks in their own way.

Ask others what they would like to do and then do it. Enjoy the feeling of not being responsible for everything. Freedom, spontaneity, and a joyful feeling for life will return when the pressure to be a certain way is removed.

Black Moon in Capricorn: Leonardo da Vinci, Farrah Fawcett, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, Machiavelli

Black Moon in the 10th House

Challenges: The greatest challenges of the shadow are related to ambition, authority, social status, and responsibility. Tradition and family obligations are important us. This shadow is ingrained in a sense of duty and high aspirations, and we closely monitor our progress in the world as compared to others. We hold high standards and expectations, which can cause interpersonal difficulties if we demand too much from others.

Gift: The gift of the shadow is our ability to persevere. We are hard workers who take more than our share of any load. When we give our word, we do everything in our power to keep it.

AQUARIUS: fear of powerlessness

Theme: The Shadow of Power

Primary Fear: fear of powerlessness

Self-judgment: based on the impact/power one has to get what one wants or needs

Issues: power issues; power struggles

Projection: distaste for weak or undisciplined people

Goals: to learn to ask for help, to not overpower others

Manifestation:

The Black Moon in Aquarius often manifests in a powerful sense of loneliness. Usually we are keenly aware of our intense personal power and are somewhat frightened by it. Our skills and aptitudes can border on genius, often giving us an air of considerable authority. We have strong faculties and diverse talents that can be used to uplift or to crush others. Black Moon in Aquarius is a force rivaled by few, and the temptation to dominate others can become an ongoing battle. It is simply all too easy to emotionally and intellectually overpower others. Ethical concerns can arise, as we are prone to test our limitations. In situations where we feel powerless, we tend to isolate ourselves so no one will see our “weakness.” This self-imposed prison is rife with internal brutality, as we tend to unleash cruel criticism on ourselves for not being stronger.

Healing and Transcending:

With the Black Moon in Aquarius, the tendency to overpower others must be faced. When we recognize that we are all connected, there is no need for anyone to overpower another. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses that fluctuate and change over time. The extra boost of power that accompanies Black Moon in Aquarius can be re-routed back into the collective of humanity in the form of brilliant ideas and creations that uplift the whole. A channel or outlet for this power is what is needed to keep it from blowing up. When the focus shifts to sharing power, all benefit.

Examine if you abuse your power by neglecting or criticizing others. Do you take advantage of others, however unwittingly? Or do you neglect, criticize, or overextend yourself?

Ask yourself what you would do with all of your power. It is very important for you to answer this question. Are you more afraid of your power or your powerlessness? Discerning the parameters of personal power is what heals this shadow.

Black Moon in Aquarius: Robert Oppenheimer, Genghis Khan, Ludwig van Beethoven, James Dean, Jacki Kennedy, Salvador Dali, O.J Simpson, Amy Winehouse, Kid Cudi

Black Moon in the 11th House

Challenges: The greatest challenges of the shadow are related to our hopes, wishes, and dreams. The shadow is concerned with how we fit into the collective of humanity. Issues of the “self versus others” follow us and we may find that we are often accused of being selfish or self centered. Change is usually difficult for us to handle.

Gift: The gift of the shadow is the ability to bring people together. We are natural networkers. We are also interesting people to be around and are true innovators.

PISCES: fear of vulnerability/harm

Theme: The Shadow of Trust

Primary Fear: fear of vulnerability

Self-judgment: based on how stable ones emotions are

Issues: trust issues

Projection: distrust of people who are “too nice” because they must want something

Goals: to let down your walls with the appropriate people, to be able to discern who is appropriate for you, to focus on self as much as others

Manifestation:

The Black Moon in Pisces is tender-hearted. We are afraid that if others discover this, they will use it against us. There is a tendency to judge people and situations based on the potential of being hurt. We may find it difficult to be open or fully intimate with others. It is often hard to trust others and we test them until we feel safe. This shadow can show up overtly (in unmistakable emotional walls) but it can also show up subtly (appearing on the surface to be very open, but upon closer inspection having definite commitment issues). On the flip side, we can also make commitments before trust is gained. By prematurely trusting, we face betrayal or disappointment. In this way, a vague sense of safety is maintained since a deeper sense of intimacy is never attained. The sense of being separated from Spirit is acute with Black Moon in Pisces and the intense desire to not be present in the “here and now” can lead to emotional addictions, addiction to substances, or escaping our own issues through focusing on others.

Healing and Transcending:

With the Black Moon in Pisces, the need to put up a wall of protection must be faced. The truth is, life can be painful and people hurt us whether they intend to or not. We need to learn to trust the people we know we can trust. Usually this is the person we are with the most, but proportionately open up to the least. We tend to hold ourselves back, but this is a crime against our souls because we are naturally closest to Spirit and have much to share with others. Our shadow is healed when we trust that we are strong enough to withstand any offense.

Ask yourself when you feel most vulnerable. In what situations do you cross your arms and cover your chest? How do you cover up or cover over who you really are?

Consider who you physically, intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally open up to the most? It is important to look at the level of trust you have in the people around you and honestly assess if your trust is well-placed. Balancing the shadow of trust is just as much about not placing trust in the people that you know you shouldn’t as it is about allowing someone else see who you really are.

Black Moon in Pisces: Jesus Christ (allegedly), Prince Charles, John Lennon, Gerald Ford, Judy Garland, Angelina Jolie, Mike Tyson, Madonna, Harry Styles, Miley Cyrus, Ariana Grande, Leonardo DiCaprio, Al Pacino, Elizabeth Taylor

Black Moon in the 12th House

Challenges: The greatest challenges of the shadow are related to unconscious motivations, addictions, institutions, and enemies. The shadow is deeply ingrained in anything that is hidden. By its very nature, the Black Moon is hidden, making this placement difficult to understand. There is often a side to us that is unknown to most people. We may have a degree of emotional suffering that is not evident to others until they get to know us.

Gift: The gift of the shadow is our ability to empathize with others. We seem to easily give to others that which we may not be able to give to ourselves. We are complex people who can handle complex tasks and material with aplomb.

╚══════════════ ⛧ ══════════════╝

"Primary fears subvert our personal growth and feelings of happiness. Oftentimes they impede our success because fear is what stops us cold in our tracks when we are venturing into unknown territory. Our choices and actions are directly proportional to the level of control our shadow exerts over us. When the fear that is contained in the shadow side is dominant, we feel unfulfilled and unsatisfied." - (Walker, 2011)

Reference:

Walker, L., 2011. The Astrology of the Black Moon: A Guide to Healing the Shadow Side. Austin, Texas: The Dog Publishing.

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reblogandlikes · 30 days

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Stand on business when you post!

I hate that everytime a newish person says something remotely redeeming about Tamlin they feel the need to make a prefix or use the line of, "I'm not excusing his abuse." The culture has been warped to make them believe this is required.

Like, it's so deeply ingrained that he's the big bad for having his magical accidently explode and trapping Feyre in a house that one time she literally tried to follow him in to a very dangerous situations which would have taken his focus away from his peoples survival and defence, or having the gall to be a bit paranoid with her safety when she was literally being hunted by Hybern (which she even admitted later that Tamlin had been correct) and them both being bad at communication. Oh, and petty name calling because she quite literally fucked everything up, could have compromised him as a double agent and he was rightfully mad.

All that he's done is still not comparable to what Rhysand has done in the name of getting what he wants, even when it comes to belittling his own people (because yes, HC and Illyrians are also his people), yet you never see a prefix about Rhysand. No, dude just gets to live merry in the narrative and fandom because he's the "best." Hell, Feyre and the entire IC have done worse shit than Tamlin, but they get far more leeway due to MC bias.

It's slightly similar with Nesta being viewed as irredeemable, but I'd argue both Tamlin and Nesta have been through and have done enough in these god damn books. They simply receive hate because they are viewed as being directly opposed to the IC, and The Mother knows that's a big no-no.

Those who want to post something about another character not particularly liked, go ahead. I promise you, you're not any of these stupid words some stans tries to insult you as. It's their way of silencing and limiting perceptions and its understandably uninviting/daunting.

But please...

Do your thing.

Go off.

#sjm critical #acotar #acotar critical #anti rhysand #anti ic #anti feysand #pro tamlin #pro nesta #pro eris vanserra #pro lucien vanserra #pro jurian #hell - pro Baron during the HL meeting because he was spitting facts #acotar fandom critical #acotar fandom

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calypsocolada · 1 year

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YOU'RE IN THE WIND | v. sanji

(this is part two, click here for part one)

synopsis: you try to give sanji the slip. authors note: hi :) sorry this took so long!! this part was inspired by chemtrails over the country club by mother lana del rey cw: angst, fluff, daddy issues wc: 3.5k

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From your birth you were taught to observe. To see things and hear things. Things that you could carry back to your father, things he could use as blackmail. You were always quiet because you were told to be seen and not heard. Your father, if you could even call him that anymore, was a villain to say the least. He brought you up to be cruel. To make judgments after your sword impales their stomach. To never trust a soul but him. To sleep with one eye open at all times. Those things were so deeply ingrained into you they might as well be who you are. To strike first and ask questions last.

But now…

Now you were lost.

The identity you thought you knew, the one that your father forced upon you was in pieces, scattered pieces in your soul. Who were you if not the cruel pirate daughter of Don Krieg. Who were you if not the one by his side?

Who were you?

After the battle at Baratie where your father left you for dead you were swept into a new crew. The strawhats they called themselves. You didn’t bother learning their names because you were leaving them the moment they docked. They had their minds set on adventure. But yours… yours was on revenge. You were going to be the one to kill the fierce pirate Don Krieg. Your life was his for so many years, he turned you into a weapon. He ruined you. You’d like to repay him for all of it.

The only name you did know of the Strawhat’s was Sanji’s. The one who had saved you, who pulled you out of the ocean, fed you and gave you water. Who stood by your side against your father and even nursed you back to health after your father tried to kill you. Sanji was a good person. A kind person. The first and only person you had ever met that you considered special to you. Sanji was all heart. He told you jokes and fixed you food. He danced you around up on the deck in the moonlight when nightmares awoke you from your sleep. In your nightmares your father, instead of getting ahold of you, got ahold of Sanji. Those were the worst ones.

He was someone you felt very close to. Someone, despite all your training, you wished to fully trust. That’s why you’d do him the kindness of disappearing when the ship docked. Inevitably your father would get word that you survived. That would drive him back to you. To your waiting sword. And you needed no one else getting caught up in that, especially Sanji. You’d kill for him.

“You feeling okay, love?” Sanji’s voice drove you out of your thoughts. You were sitting in your usual place, quietly watching Sanji cook. He was skilled, watching him cook felt like a magic show. Your eyes glanced up to his as you nodded your head. “Deep in thought then?” He asks as his knife slides quickly through an onion dicing it up.

“How’d you get so good at cooking?” You ask and the smile on Sanji’s face was bright. He loved when you asked him things, or just loved when you were around in general.

“It’s quite easy actually.” He says bashfully and you shake your head.

“You might make it look easy but I've tried before, it’s exhausting.” You say as Sanji cocks his head.

“You must’ve had a shit teacher then. Here, come here darling.” He asks, as you push up from your seat, walking across the wooden floor to him. He pulls you close to him. He gathers the diced onions on the edge of his knife and drops it into a pan, turning on the heat. He then grabs something bulbous and sets in on the cutting board. “You know what this is?” He asks as you shake your head. “It’s garlic. So we're going to remove two cloves like this,” He breaks off two round triangular pieces of garlic and sets the rest of the garlic to the side. “Alright, now here’s my knife, I know you know how to use this.” He winks and you scoff out a laugh. “Take the flat side of the knife and place it on top of the clove.” He says as you do as told, looking up at him for confirmation. He gives you a smile. “Good, now make a fist.”

“A fist?” You echo and he nods his head. You clench your hand and hold it up. He takes your hand gently by the wrist and places it on top of the knife.

“Now give it a good thwack, but not too hard.” He says as you hit the knife, the garlic crushing slightly beneath the blade. “Perfect, now the skin should come off easily.” He grabs the cloves and pulls off the skin, tossing it aside. “Okay, love, hold the clove like this and dice with your other hand.”

“Like this?” You ask as you chop down, his hand slides onto your shoulder giving it a soft squeeze.

“You’re a natural.” He winks as you roll your eyes, chopping up the next clove. He tosses the pieces into a pan as it simmers. You vault onto the top of the counter, sitting out of his way as you watch him stir the contents of the pan, flipping it with a flourish. “Are you sure you're feeling okay, you’ve been kind of quiet all day?” He asks as you give him a look, smirking slightly.

“As opposed to?” You ask because you're always quiet.

“I don’t know,” He laughs, his blond hair falling in his eyes. “You’re not nervous about going to Loguetown are you?” You looked away from him to your hands. No you weren’t nervous about Loguetown and you knew what he meant. He was asking more along the lines of are you nervous your father might find out you're still alive and in Loguetown. You shake your head.

“No.” You answer simply, he looks up from his pan, you can feel his eyes on you but you remain looking down.

“Love,” He says softly, stepping closer to you. Your eyes find his, his gray blue eyes. “You can tell me anything, you know.” You clench your jaw. You couldn’t tell him this. You couldn’t drag him into the dark. You nodded your head.

“I’m fine, really.” You answer but your voice is unconvincing and you look guilty. But Sanji doesn’t force you to open up, that was one of the many things you liked about him. He grabs your hand, kissing your knuckles as you blush, pulling your hand away from him.

“Such a flirt.” You say, pushing off the counter.

“With you, always.” He counters with a warm laugh.

You roamed the deck as night began to set in. The rest of the crew was inside, settling down for bed, but not you, no you leaned on a bannister overlooking the sea. It didn’t make you sick anymore to look at it after almost dying months ago. The sounds calmed you, the moon glinting on the waves beautifully. You breathed in the salty air.

“Hello beautiful.” Sanji said to you left, you turned slightly as he walked up the stairs to stand by you. You gave him a smallish sort of smile as he settled beside you, leaning on the bannister. He smelled like wine and something vanilla. It was nice. “Nice night, huh?” He asks as he reaches in his pocket pulling out a cigarette, lighting it then taking a puff.

“I met a man once that smoked a lot.” You said, remembering a burly man with white hair. “He did not like my father.” You recalled as Sanji looked over at you with a sort of ‘who did?’ face. You laughed slightly, taking the cigarette from his lips, pulling it to yours, taking a puff, blowing the smoke into the night air. He watched you in rapt attention. He’d never met someone like you. He was jealous of others that made you smile or laugh. He wanted to be the cause of your happiness. Once Usopp had made you snort and Sanji shot daggers at him the rest of the day. You handed him the cigarette back, yes peering at soft lights in the distance.

Loguetown.

A part of you felt something clench your chest, a deep sadness knowing this would be the last time you saw the first person you could ever consider a friend. Sanji stamps out the bud of his cigarette.

“Come on, I’ll brew you some tea, maybe it’ll help you sleep.” He says, a hand sliding around your back. You let him lead you to the kitchen. You recall when he first found you on that little boat, starved and dehydrated. How he swept you into a kitchen much larger than this one and saved your life. You stopped, a guilty twist in your stomach. Sanji stopped, turning to face you. He read your face in seconds. “What’s wrong, love?” He asks. You clench your jaw, shaking your head. If you told him he’d want to come with you. He’d want to fight with you. He’d die for you. That’s the last damn thing you wanted. You forced a reassuring smile, one that was convincing enough.

“Nothing, just curious about the tea,” you started walking again. You could tell he wasn’t convinced but you just kept walking. “Do you have some special pirate blend that will knock me out?” You ask and when Sanji doesn’t answer you turn to face him. He’s got this look on his face, like he knows something. “Sanji?”

“You’re leaving aren’t you?” He asks and it’s like a cold bucket of water is doused on you. You part your lips to lie but you can’t force yourself to do it any longer. You swallow and nod your head resolutely. “Love, I can’t let you go after him.”

“You can’t make me stay, Sanji.” You say and he takes a step closer to you.

“Then I will come with you-“

“No.” You interrupted, your voice strong. “I’m going alone.”

“To do what? To kill him?” He asks as you stare at him.

“Yes.”

“Why does it have to be you?”

“Because he’s my family.”

“He’s no family of yours.”

“I want revenge, Sanji. He ruined me!” You argue, getting a little angry.

“You’re not ruined! Don’t let him drag you into the dark, he almost killed you once already.” Sanji points out, he was frustrated.

“I know that!” You growl. You sigh, turning away from him. “I’m leaving when we dock.” You say and start to walk away but Sanji catches your wrist and you hate how quickly you respond. A hidden knife on your hip slides like magic to your hand and you're pressing him against the wall. It was all ingrained in you. You weren’t made to be someone’s friend. Or someone’s something more. Your breath catches and you feel sick but Sanji doesn’t look scared or angry with you. You pull away from him and toss the knife where it sticks in the table. He catches you before you can leave and pulls you against him in a tight hug. You froze. You’d never been hugged before and something in you cracked. Your face flushed as a single tear slid down your cheek. You slowly wrap your arms around him. He brushes the back of your hair softly, pulling back slightly but still holding you in his arms.

“Either you stay or I go with you.”

“Sanji please,“ Sanji just tightens his arms around you, there’s a slight shake in the way he holds you as though he was afraid of losing you. You give in to his touch and sigh. Nothing changed, if anything this solidified your need to leave. As long as you were alive and your father knew about it Sanji was in trouble. You were more stubborn than him. “Okay,” you intone. “I’ll stay.” You lie.

Lougetown was busy. It’s pale lined streets with white pavements and buildings all blending together. You stayed mostly in the shadows afraid someone would recognize you because after all sure you were Don Krieg’s daughter but that wasn’t all. You did things for him that made you sick. You plundered and stole and killed and hurt people the same as him. Someone was bound to notice you even with the hooded cloak Zoro had supplied you. You pulled it closer over your face as you followed Sanji, his hand occasionally brushing yours.

“Don’t you wanna enjoy the sun, love?” Sanji asks as you shoot him a glare. He raised his hands in defense, laughing slightly. “You do know you're a part of the strawhats now right? If Your father comes after you he’ll have to get through us.” Sanji says as you clench your teeth. That’s the last fucking thing you wanted.

“Is there a reason we’re wandering around aimlessly?” You ask, shooting a glare at some man who was eyeing you.

“We’re relaxing, is there something you wanted to do?” Sanji asked as you tensed up. You wanted to give him the slip but that definitely wasn’t something you could say. When you opened your mouth to speak, someone caught your eye. A tall woman flanked by two smaller men. Your hand discreetly grabbed the knife at your hip because you’ve seen how people looked at your father and this lady was looking at Sanji like she wanted to kill him. Noticing your mood change Sanji looked at you. “Something the matter, Love?” He asked.

“Sanji of the Baratie!” The ladies voice carries over to you two. “I have been waiting my whole life for this moment.” She says finally garnering Sanji’s attention. A pretty lady talked and Sanji lost his wits. Sanji swept through the crowd and gently grasped the ladies hand, kissing her knuckles. Your not sure why exactly but your stomach twists, irritation seizing your bones. As you watched them talk, Sanji overtly flirting, you realized then that he would be just fine without. He was so enthralled that he didn’t notice you take a step back and sink into the shadows. Your heart felt sick as you released your grip on your knife. You pulled the hood down some more and slinked back towards the port. The anger you felt melted into something worse as you realized it was the attention he paid the woman but it wasn’t like you two were in love or something. These feelings were obviously something else, something far less magical and you knew they’d simmer with time. Or at least you hoped they did. Sticking to the shadows you smelled the salty sea, the ocean waves crashing nearby. You ran to the dock, glancing back but no one had followed you thankfully. When you turned back a green haired swordsman stepped in your path. You gasped, eyes wide as you faltered a step back.

“Zoro,” you breathed. He looked at you and raised a brow.

“Going somewhere?” He asked, his arms crossed against his chest. You had already been caught, what's the point in lying.

“I’m leaving, I think you know why.”

“Leaving without saying goodbye? You’ll break that cook's heart.”

“His heart will be fine, trust me.” You grumbled, rolling your eyes.

“Don’t get me wrong, I don’t care about that stupid cook but if he’s all mopey over you his cooking will be shit.” Zoro said as you sighed.

“He’ll be fine.” You insisted.

“If you leave he won’t be.”

“And why’s that?” You remark snidely.

“Because he loves you, it’s obvious.” Zoro says. You blink. Love? No, no he doesn’t love you. He probably pitied you, saved you and felt he had to keep staying by your side.

“Move or I’ll move you.”

“You know I like your spirit, if you go I wouldn’t have anyone to spar with anymore.” Zoro says as your hand slips to your knife. You wouldn’t win against Zoro that was certain but you could escape him. He noticed your shift, a little slight movement to read your thoughts and he pointedly stepped out of your way. You let go of your knife and walk past him.

“Your crew is… you all are good people.” You say as Zoro nods his head.

“Then find your way back to us.” He says and your heart bursts at that, you turn to watch him walk off. You assumed if you left they’d never want to see you again. Clearly you were wrong. You hoped Sanji could forgive you one day if you could make it back to him as you tossed a few coins to a pirate and loaded onto his boat. Time suspended as you walked onto the wooden deck, the waves crashing against the side of the boat as the crew pulled up the anchor and set off from the dock. You walked to the railing, staring out at the vast sea. Your father was out there somewhere, probably causing havoc. You leaned down and placed your head in your hands, breathing out and in the salty air.

“Y/n!” His voice carried over the wind to your ship. You were about thirty feet from the dock now as you turned. Sanji was running down a wooden dock, his blond hair sweeping back from his red cheeks, some strands sticking to the sweat on his forehead. You turned to face him. “Y/n!” He called again, the pain in his voice palpable. Your throat constricted as his shape slowly grew smaller and smaller as the distance grew between you. “Please!” He was saying something else but you couldn’t hear him. Something wet splashed on the top of your hand as you realized you were crying. His voice wasn’t carrying over to you anymore and the fact that you couldn’t hear him any longer seized your heart up in your chest. Everything about being on this ship felt wrong, leaving Sanji and the strawhats felt wrong. You remembered Sanji’s words from the night before, how he believed you weren’t past saving, that you weren’t ruined. To not let your father drag you down anymore. All of this seemed so futile now. Leaving the only people who ever treated you like a person. With tears on you turned towards the captain.

“Turn this ship around.” You demanded and he looked at you with meek interest, shaking his head.

“This isn’t a taxi service, woman, we’re leaving whether you like it or not-” His voice cut off as you pressed your knife to his neck.

“Turn around.” You demanded and he conceded.

Sanji waited for you back on the dock, you slipped back off the boat and the moment your feet hit the wood Sanji was pulling you into a tight grip, his hand tangling in your hair on the back of your head as he held you. You melted into the hug, instantly hugging back.

“When I turned and you were gone- I swear,” His voice faltered, choked with emotion. You closed your eyes, listening to his erratic heartbeat in his chest.

“I’m sorry. I was being stupid.” You say muffed into his chest. He presses a kiss to the top of your head before resting his chin there.

“No you weren’t.” He coos. You two stay like that for sometime. “Love?” He intones.

“Hm?”

“I have to tell you something.” He says as you pull back just barely enough to meet his eyes. The way he looked at you made your knees go weak. He smiled just barely, it met his eyes. He leaned and pressed a kiss to your forehead, your eyes falling closed. He kissed your temple then your cheek and then his lips met yours. He was kissing you now and you're not sure either of you could stop at this very moment. That was until your lungs felt like fire.

“Sanji,” You demurred out of breath. He hummed in response.

“I love you, Y/n. If you want to go I want to be by your side.” He whispers. Your breathing stutters.

“Sanji,” You sighed. “You love so many girls.”

“Not love, that is reserved for you and you only.”

“But you’ll flirt.” You quip as he smirks at you.

“I wanted to make you jealous, old habits die hard.” He says and you roll your eyes. His finger slides beneath your chin as he guides your eyes back up to his and he’s leaning in for another kiss, this one lasting longer than the first. “Say I can come with you.” He murmurs against your flushed lips.

“I’ll stay.” You say, not wanting to set off without the strawhats.

“You mean it.”

“I promise.” And you meant it. Sanji smiles against your lips, pressing another kiss to them before taking your hand.

“Come on then, you still never told me what you wanted to do in this town?”

#fem reader #vinsmoke sanji #sanji vinsmoke #sanji x reader #one piece sanji #sanji x you #sanji one piece #roronoa zoro #sanji x y/n #sanji opla x reader #sanji op #one peice x reader #sanji opla #opla #opla x reader #opla x y/n

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oatmealuv · 8 months

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love for love’s sake carefully, and beautifully handled mental health. they didn’t sugar coat the depression myungha and yeowoon were experiencing.

a lot of times in bl we see characters going through hardships, but by the magic of love they’re better again or everything gets fixed. external love definitely plays a huge part in healing and being able to get through hard situations more swiftly, but it’s hardly ever the sole solution.

myungha getting a bf didn’t cure him, gaining friends didn’t cure him. he had two guys wrapped around his finger, his grandma was alive yet he still has low self worth. he’s someone that has been depressed for so long, has had deeply ingrained negative beliefs about himself that have kept him from ever being truly happy. he believes that nobody could ever love him, he can’t bother anybody with his problems because he’s a burden.

this is why depressed people isolate, they believe all of the things the depression is telling them and it is incredibly difficult to change that. it can take years to change the way you percieve yourself and the world, i think the buffs were the blockages in myungha’s perception. when yeowoon said “i love you” to him, there was an error message because deep in his soul he believes that as an impossibility. his buffs were because of his attempts to getting close to yeowoon, he saw it as a danger because getting close would mean that he would burden yeowoon.

myungha’s life was so so sad, poor guy was dealt such bad cards. his mom living happily without him as if he never existed served as proof of the negative things he’s been telling himself. realizing that you’re nothing to no one, that you’re hard to love or you’re too much is such a hard pill to swallow. it might not be objectively true, but if your mind believes it, then that’s all it takes to completely break your spirit. myungha kills himself because he sees no reason for his life, his mom abandoned him, his gf broke up with him, and his grandmother is dead. his reason for life is reliant on other people it isn’t an internal reason.

now when he’s in the game, he’s faced with the choice of who he loves more, yeowoon or his grandma. i think that they decide to make him choose between them because he can’t fathom receiving love from two people at once. it’s overwhelming, and terrifying for someone that has had limited quantities of love his whole life. his love for yeowoon is the truest love he’s ever felt besides his grandmother. yeowoon and myungha are equals, share a lot of similar life experiences, yeowoon opens up his heart and is ready to be there for him unconditionally. even when myungha refuses to share what he’s feeling, when he is actively breaking his heart, he is willing to change whatever it takes just to be around him. having someone show you that unconditional love is both incredible and so scary at the same time. that person is seeing you at your most vulnerable, at your worst and still choosing you.

myungha is used to self-abandonment, it’s all he knows. he felt like choosing yeowoon would mean choosing himself, and in turn would mean he is selfish and leaving is grandmother to die. if he chose his grandmother he would stick to his usual self, but yeowoon would possibly go back to how he was in the beginning and die. to him everything seems like a huge risk because he feels the weight of the world on his shoulders. of course in the game that really was the consequence, choose one life over another. but i think this show really did a great job at showing just how impossible choices can be when you’re depressed, how warped your point of view gets. but i couldn’t help to think what would’ve happened if he had chosen himself, maybe that’s what he was supposed to do.

#very nuanced portrayal of depression #myungha is someone i deeply relate to and the last couple of episodes broke my heart #love is beautiful yet so so difficult to accept into your life sometimes #myungha x yeowoon #myungha #yeowoon #lfls #love for love's sake #thai series #thai bl #it just reminded me a lot of previous therapy sessions i’ve had #braindump for sure but most definitely will write more on this show

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vixeneptune · 1 year

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SELF LOVE VAUNT

I'm so grateful to be me, like I'm so amazing I wouldn't wanna be anybody else. Everyday I look at myself and fall in love deeper, how am I so perfect? It's not just my outer beauty, I can feel my beauty radiating from my heart and spirit, it's deeply rooted in me, its ingrained in my DNA and soul. My presence alone is so enchanting, ethereal, and out of this world. People feel like they're having a magical experience when they encounter me. Some of them say I remind them of a fairy, or a mermaid, a siren or a whole goddess.

I mean it when I say I accept myself fully, every part of me is worth loving, the dark and the light. I feel this sense of completion and abundance from within like I have it all already, there's nothing missing and I don't lack anything. It's all already mine.

My mind is a beautiful place, my imagination is rich and I easily manifest my desires through my imagination. It's the easiest thing for me all I have to do is imagine it once and it comes true! That's why the lao is so natural for me, I was born a master manifestor.

I truly value being in this state of peace and bliss, like I have absolutely no worry in the world, I'm so carefree, flowing through life freely with no attachments or resistance.

And so it is.

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grandmother-goblin · 3 months

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Savory and Sweet

Ao3 - Masterlist

Summary: After Astarion finally confesses to his attempted manipulations and his real feelings for Orakith, he realizes that she didn't respond as well as he had initially thought. And Astarion was not about to let their first night in a real relationship end on a sour note.

Relationships: Astarion x Female!Tav

Rating: Mature (for non-explicit sexual content)

Word Count: 4.1k

Tags: Fluff, humor, non-explicit sexual content, comfort, Gale makes a minor appearance.

The weight on Astarion’s conscious had finally lifted after he came clean to Orakith about, well, nearly everything. About how he had lied to her, about how he manipulated her feelings, how he tried to make her fall for him without falling for her, and how that spectacularly backfired.

If he was being completely honest, he had no idea how Orakith would respond to his confession. She was the sweet sort — innocent and a bit naive. She was the type to help people, cry over a sleeping fawn or baby bunny, and make flower crowns when they stopped for a rest.

She was also a sorceress whose favored spells involved fire and poison, so she wasn’t the kind of person Astarion wanted to needlessly upset. Though he didn’t think she would ever direct that sort of magical wrath toward him, experience told him to remain cautious.

Pissing off magic users was rarely a good idea. Especially ones who didn’t have the best control over said magic.

Oraktih had listened to his explanation as his slow, undead heart pounded like the living. Her eyes were wide but her expression was nearly unreadable — then again, Astarion always had a little trouble reading her. When he had said all that he needed to, she pulled him into an embrace that was so perfect and warm that he never wanted her to let go.

“I care about you, Astarion,” she had said as she buried her face in his shoulder. “You mean the world to me and I’m so happy to have you as part of my life.”

There had been something slightly off about her voice. It was sincere, Astarion had no doubts about that. But it had a certain edge to it that Orakith only got when something went disastrously wrong, or she was trying to stay positive and keep up morale as the world burned around them.

She sounded happy.

Too happy.

When she stepped out of the embrace, she gave him a watery smile as she linked her little finger around his. “Thank you for telling me.”

It seemed everything went as well as it could have gone: Orakith didn’t get angry with him, she didn’t end their relationship, she didn’t even accidentally light him on fire in a surge of magic.

In fact, she gave him the sweetest, lingering kiss on his cheek before bidding him goodnight.

So when he heard soft sniffles and shaky sobs coming from her tent nearly an hour later, that weight that had been lifted off his consciousness dropped directly onto his heart.

Shit.

He knew the sounds of someone trying to hide that they were crying all too well. The common courtesy under Cazador’s roof was simply to ignore whoever was upset. The spawn seldom had a moment of privacy, and they all broke down in tears at one point or another, and it was just easier to pretend it never happened because nothing could be done to make things better. Ignoring it was so deeply ingrained within him, Astarion nearly walked right past her tent simply out of habit.

If he had to take a wild guess, he could only assume Orakith’s tears had something to do with their conversation.

Astarion knelt beside the entrance of her tent, noting how golden tendrils of translucent magic tied the opening shut. “Orakith?” Astarion whispered tentatively. “Are you alright, my love?”

“I’m good.” Somehow, she managed to inject that falsely positive tone even through a stuffy nose.

She most certainly was not okay, considering how she decided to use her magic to effectively lock herself in her tent. “I can’t help but feel that, given our earlier conversation, you might be a bit upset with me.”

“I’m not upset with you,” she replied far too quickly.

“Darling.” Astarion tsked and shifted a little closer — close enough he could see her back turned toward him through the little slit in the entrance. “If you’re upset with me, I would really like to sort this out with you. Preferably sooner rather than later. Gods knows our friends are like vultures when it comes to any sort of… interpersonal issues.”

“Really, I’m okay.”

He rolled his eyes. “You’re obviously not, so may I please come in?”

“I just need some sleep.”

“Orakith.”

Trees creaked and swayed in the midnight breeze. A lone sniffle penetrated the sounds of rushing water from the nearby river, but otherwise, she didn’t respond.

Astarion sighed and ran his hand through his hair. Part of him wanted to just crawl into her tent anyways, but he couldn’t with that magic keeping the tent sealed. It likely wouldn’t harm him, but he felt trying to dispel it and breaking into her tent was a bit too much even for him.

If she had wanted him to leave her alone, he trusted her to tell him — she had no problem doing so in the past. As much as hearing her cry tugged at his heartstrings, he would respect her decision. But she hadn’t asked him to leave, so he assumed that she just didn’t want to let him see her upset.

Which was a little ridiculous, when he thought about it. He had seen her cry before. Plenty of times, in fact. But most of those tears were the joyful sort — like when Scratch first showed up at their camp, or when Wyll made a joke at just the right moment, or when she found a trader who happened to sell her favorite cheese despite it being hard to come by.

An idea struck him and Astarion pushed himself to his feet. “I’ll be right back,” he said, and didn’t wait for a response as he made a beeline toward Gale’s tent.

Orakith had bought that trader’s entire supply of that particular cheese. Since it was more perishable than some of their other rations, Gale had offered her the use of a magic bag that he claimed would preserve the food for longer. Astarion hadn’t seen Orakith ask for the cheese since, so he assumed Gale still had it (provided that he didn’t eat it himself).

Softening his steps, Astarion crouched as he approached Gale’s tent. If he remembered correctly, Gale always kept his bags near the entrance of the tent, so all Astarion had to do was keep quiet as he —

“What are you doing?” Gale asked, a floating light above his book brightening with the question, casting an accusatory spotlight right on Astation’s face.

Damn. He was so caught up in trying to cheer up Orakith, he was only focused on getting the cheese from Gale’s pack without waking him up and never considered that Gale might not be asleep in the first place.

Astarion blinked at him.

Closing his book, Gale raised his brows in response like a teacher awaiting an explanation from a student as to why their homework was late.

“I missed you.”

Gale kicked at where Astarion’s knee pinned down the corner of his bedroll. “The real reason, Astarion.”

When the first couple of excuses that crossed his mind were somehow more ridiculous than the truth, Astarion sighed. “Orakith and I had a talk tonight and she’s a bit upset. Everything is fine, I think. I just wanted to bring her something to cheer her up and I know her favorite cheese is in your bag.”

Something about Gale’s expression softened. “Aww,” he said as an indulgent smile spread across his lips. “You really fancy her, don’t you?”

Astarion ran his hand through his hair impatiently. “Yes. Now give me the cheese. Please.”

A quiet chuckle shook Gale’s shoulders as he tugged the bag toward him, quickly finding a wedge of cheese that was wrapped in wax paper and about the size of his palm. “Here.”

“Just like that?” He carefully took the offering, half-expecting Gale to zap him the moment the wrapper touched his fingertips.

“Just like that,” Gale replied. “Besides, it’s not like it’s mine. Though, I would strongly suggest that you just ask me next time, hmm? But who am I to judge? Love can make fools of us all, and a bit of cheese is hardly the most foolish thing someone has tried to steal in the name of it. Believe me, I would know.”

Love. He wasn’t sure he would call it love, per say. His feelings toward Orakith certainly weren’t ones that he was familiar with, but it felt far too soon to call it ‘love.’

Hells, just a few hours ago he acknowledged out loud that his feelings were real. Love was far too much, but the thought of it didn’t fill him with disgust, envy, or apprehension.

It filled him with something like hope, and that was terrifying all on its own.

Astarion gave Gale a curt nod. “Thank you,” he said and he backed out of the tent as Gale bid him goodnight.

Well, that didn’t go as planned, but it certainly could have gone much worse.

Pushing that slightly awkward moment with Gale to the back of his mind, Astarion returned to Orakith’s tent. He knelt by the entrance and listened for a moment. There wasn’t any sniffling or crying, which was a good sign. Maybe? Or perhaps she had just fallen asleep during his brief absence. He tapped on the side of the tent, quietly rustling the fabric and said, “I’m back, darling.”

No answer.

So either she was ignoring him, or she had actually fallen asleep. If she was asleep, he certainly wasn’t above waking her up. After everything they talked about that night, he was not going to let her cry herself to sleep.

Not without at least trying to make things right.

“I, uhh.” Astarion glanced down at the wedge of cheese in his hand and furrowed his brow. “I brought you some cheese.”

There was a small snort of laughter from inside the tent. “You brought cheese?”

It wasn’t exactly the most traditional way to bribe someone, but it was the first thing that came to mind. It wasn’t exactly the most romantic gift either…

Perhaps he should have hunted down some flowers instead.

“Yes, and I had to talk to Gale to get it,” he replied, as if talking to the wizard was some torturous ordeal despite how he actually quite enjoyed Gale’s presence. Most of the time. “Now, may I please come in? I’d much prefer your company to his.”

“I’m not going to be the greatest company right now.”

“Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?”

He kept his tone light despite how his worries began to weigh him down. What if she changed her mind about him after she had had a bit more time to think? What if she couldn’t forgive him? What if her feelings for him couldn’t outweigh the pain he had caused her.

The entrance of the tent shimmered, and the anxiety balled up in his chest loosened as the magic keeping the opening sealed faded away. Not wasting another moment, Astarion crawled into the tent.

Inside, the only light came from a tiny dancing lights spell, each orb no bigger than a firefly. A faint amber glow and the moving shadows over soft furs and richly colored blankets gave the space a cozy yet magical feel to it. Crumpled up in the corner were the robes Orakith had been wearing earlier that evening.

Astarion frowned.

As long as he had known Orakith, she had some deeply ingrained habit to fold clothes. Or any sort of fabric. It came from years of working as a washerwoman, she had said. She found it soothing. He couldn’t even remember a time when Orakith hadn’t folded her clothes.

Or his clothes, for the matter.

Hells, even the first time they had had sex she ridiculously folded her clothes before she let him ravish her. It was probably the first time in decades that he had genuinely laughed with someone he was going to sleep with.

“Don’t judge me,” she said with poorly concealed mirth as his hand slipped around her waist from behind. “I don’t want my stuff to get wrinkled. I’ll get yours next.”

Astarion slowly kissed her neck, her pulse racing beneath his lips. His fingertips traced the firm contours of her abdomen. “A bit of rumpled clothing is all part of the fun.”

“Until you lose a sock.”

A laugh that was more like a smile passed his lips as Orakith carefully tossed her folded trousers atop her other clothes. His hand ventured lower, teasingly close to the heat between her legs without actually touching her there. “What’s a lost sock compared to getting lost in one another?”

“Cold toes, for one,” she said, seemingly unfazed by his wandering hands. “Where did you put your shirt? I’m folding it before — ”

She squeaked when he pulled her down on top of him, and then rolled her onto her back in the grass. Astarion pinned her hands above her head. “You really want to spend your time doing that when you could do something so much more — ” he delicately nipped at the corner of her jaw — “pleasurable.”

If she wanted to, she could easily escape his hold on her. Instead she laced her fingers through his, her eyes playful and bright beneath the light of the moon. “I think you’ll find it very pleasurable when you don’t have to wear a wrinkled shirt tomorrow morning.”

“Shh.” Astarion kissed down the column of her throat to her collarbone as she drew in a shaky breath. “Why don’t we just enjoy each other, hmm?”

She swallowed and nodded. “I’ll get them later.”

Astarion began to fold her clothes as the memory faded away. It wasn’t much, but it was a little something he could do for her. Or at the very least, it was one less thing she had to do for herself.

She kept her back turned toward him, still curled up in a fetal position, as he tucked the neatly folded garments in the corner of the tent. Not knowing the best place to put the cheese, he just set it on top of the pile since he didn’t expect it would stay there for very long.

“You didn’t have to do that for me,” she said stuffily.

“It was no trouble at all, my love.” Astarion crawled onto the empty space beside her on her bedroll, close enough to feel the warmth radiating off of her body.

As much as he wanted to lay down beside her and pull her against his chest, he remained sitting. Orakith normally liked being held, and he realized that he quite liked holding her in turn, but it didn’t feel like the right time for that. Instead, he placed a (hopefully) comforting hand on her bare shoulder and just watched her for a moment.

Soft golden light from her spell highlighted the ruby red and deep orange veins of color that blazed through her soft jade scales like flames through a prairie. Her iridescent sheen almost made it seem like her scales were always changing colors — so much so that many people couldn’t tell she was a green dragonborn at first glance. Most assumed that she was bronze or gold or copper due to the pigment granted by her draconic ancestry.

Yet when Astarion first saw her, he just thought she looked like a giant gecko.

Now whenever he looked at her his heart ached with a kind of affection he had one believed he could never feel again.

Prior to meeting Orakith, he had never given dragonborn much thought. There were only a handful of them in the city, and Cazador forbade his spawn from hunting them simply because dragonborn were so rare and people tended to keep close tabs on them. Or, at least, that was the reason Cazador gave — he probably just didn’t want to bite through a hide of scales.

For all the times he hadn’t paid attention to dragonborn before, he was certainly making it up now.

Astarion opened his mouth to say something, but found himself at a loss for words. Comforting someone who was upset, especially someone he cared about, was completely foreign territory. What in the Hells was he supposed to say? ‘There, there, I know you’re upset about me lying to you and manipulating you, but can you please stop crying because you’re making me feel even guiltier than I did before?’

Because that would go over so well.

Orakith’s arm shifted beneath his hand as she wiped at her face with the heel of her palm. “I’m sorry,” she said with a weak laugh, as if part of her was still trying to convince him that she was perfectly fine. “I didn’t want you to see me like this.”

“I can hardly see you at all, my love.” In an attempt to get her to look at him, Astarion gently tugged at her shoulder. “Roll this way so I don’t have to have a conversation with the back of your skull.”

She shook her head. “My face is a mess.”

“I have a handkerchief. Now roll over.”

With a huff, and thankfully very little fight, she flopped onto her back. Draping her arm over her eyes, she gave out an exasperated and pathetic whine. “I feel like a big baby.”

“You are a big baby,” Astarion said as he retrieved the handkerchief Orakith had embroidered with his name and delicate purple asters and morning glories from his pocket, “but not for being upset about — well, what I think you’re upset about.”

The corner of her lips twitched into a smile but it quickly faded away. “I shouldn’t be upset at all. You just told me something huge and here I am, making it all about me.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Astarion brought the handkerchief to her dampened cheek and gently nudged her arm aside as he dried her face. “This is about you too. And if you’re upset then I would be a piss-poor boyfriend if I just let you cry it out.”

The smile returned to her face, bigger than before, but this time it didn’t immediately fade away. Oraktih never showed her teeth when she smiled, even going so far as to cover her mouth when she laughed. She said she didn’t want to frighten people. But Astarion’s stomach did a funny little flip when he caught a glimpse of white in her smile.

As far as he knew, he was the only person she let herself smile in front of without hiding it. It was a little thing, but it felt special. It made him feel special.

Bright, wet, orange eyes, glowing like a warm hearth, looked up at him as he traced her sharp cheekbone with the handkerchief. “Boyfriend?”

“Partner, lover, your little love leech — pick your poison, darling,” he said as he blotted at her face more playfully.

A giggle bubbled from her throat, and the sound was enough to make him smile in turn. Even if she was a little upset with him, at least he could still make her laugh. And she didn’t feel the need to hide it either.

That had to count for something

As her laughter subsided, Astarion tucked the slightly damp handkerchief back in his pocket. He lifted her hand and pressed a lingering kiss to her knuckles, gazing into the fire of her eyes as he did.

“I mean it,” he said as they both sobered, the mood considerably lighter than it had been just a minute ago. “I want what we have to be something real.”

Orakith sighed and watched the little dancing lights twinkling above them. “I do too,” she replied. “I mean, it was always real to me. But looking back on our early relationship now, I should have known that you weren’t always serious. I feel like a bit of a fool. And embarrassed. After all, the only time men, especially men as handsome as you, paid me any mind was when they wanted a discount on laundry services.”

Her tone was lighthearted and playful, but he could hear the hurt buried beneath.

“I never thought I stood a chance with you,” she went on as she picked at something nonexistent on one of her claws, “but when you asked me to spend the night with you at the party… and you actually met up with me…. Gods, I was afraid I was dreaming. No one had ever wanted me like that before, and I liked you so much that I was afraid I was going to mess everything up.”

Her eyes flickered back to his. “You were my first everything. My first kiss. My first time…. I was so nervous I think I started folding clothes,” she added with a laugh.

“Hold on,” he said as he raised his brows, his heart sinking in his chest. “You never told me that I was your first.”

As if he needed to feel like even more of a jackass, he had to add taking her virginity while he was manipulating her to his list of crimes.

Gods, how had he not noticed? Perhaps it was because she docilely let him take the lead that night. If he had noticed any nervousness on her part, he must have passed it off as the typical bit of uncertainty that came with sleeping with someone new. Not that the entire experience was new to her.

Orakith gave a little shrug. “Some of the washerwomen said that being so inexperienced at my age might scare some men off,” she said as if being in her mid twenties made her some sort of spinster. “They’d think I was saving myself, or that maybe something was wrong with me. Baldur’s Gate is a human city and…. Well, more people look at dragonborn as more of a curiosity than a romantic prospect.”

Astarion laced his fingers with hers. “Almost feel sorry for the poor fools that missed out on knowing how incredible you are. Almost.”

She gazed up at him and gave his hand a little squeeze. “You really mean that?”

“Do you really think I would go through all this effort if I didn’t?” he said and gestured toward where the cheese sat on top of her clothes. “I’ve never met anyone who cares the way you do, and I was an idiot for not seeing that sooner.”

A fresh tear rolled down her face, and for a brief moment, Astarion thought he had said the wrong thing before a little smile pulled at her lips. Her eyes crinkled with such genuine affection that it made his heart ache.

Astarion wiped away the tear with his thumb. Then he laid down beside her, propping his head up with his hand, and tsked. “You really are a mess tonight, aren’t you?”

“I warned you,” Orakith replied and shifted downward so she could nuzzle her face against his chest. “I would have been fine by the morning. I just needed some time to process.”

He slipped his hand behind the delicate that framed her face and she gave a little sigh of contentment. “For what it’s worth, my oh-so-brilliant plan backfired long before we first spent the night together.”

The tip of her tail draped over his calves as she slung her arms around his torso, hugging him closer. “That does make me feel a little better. So does you being here.”

“I also brought you cheese,” he recalled and trapped her tail between his legs.

She giggled. “That also helped.”

The floating lights above them dimmed as a comfortable silence fell between them. Astarion idly traced the scales on her back as a sense of calm gently washed over him. The doubt that had been lingering in his mind faded away with each passing second.

“Stay with me tonight?” she asked quietly, her voice muffled against his shirt. “We don’t have to do anything, I just like waking up next to you.”

Though it was new to him, Astarion liked waking up next to her as well. It was a pleasant surprise to go to bed with someone and have them still be there in the morning. He wasn’t sure how many more nights he would get with her like this, and he wasn’t about to waste a single one.

Even so, he sighed as if she had asked him to complete some insurmountable task. He pressed a lingering kiss to her forehead. “I can do that.”

---

Author's Note: Thank you for reading! Comments are always appreciated!

#bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #astarion #astarion x tav #astarion x female tav #astarion fanfic

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cheezeybread · 2 months

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I'll do some Ace angst. Picture him pulling Yuu aside to vent about not having signature spell. he does admit that its pretty hypocritical he's complaining about not having his own spell to someone that doesn't have magic at all. but he feels like Yuu is the only one he can really talk to about it. Probably says he feels like Deuce is leaving behind and seeing all the others first years have spells doesn't make him feel any better.

ACE ANGST ACE ANGST ACE AN-

not proofread, ofc, because I'm not a nerd and Mama also raised a lazy sissy-

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A signature spell is very personal to a mage. This was one of the very first topics covered in Professor Trein's class regarding magic's history. Signature spells were a sign of power, since only capable magic-users could cultivate one, and they were deeply ingrained in a mage's spirit. They showed the personality of a mage, showed their beliefs, what they would fight for, who they would die for.

Ace knew all of this.

He wasn't too worried with getting his own spell, at first. He was just a freshman, after all! None of his other freshmen peers had their own signature spells, and with the giant ego Ace had, he just assumed he'd find out what his spell was sooner rather than later.

But then Jack revealed that he already had his signature spell, allowing him to transform to his beast form without the use of an illegal Transformation potion.

That was alright, Jack was a try-hard in every sense of the word. Ace shrugged it off and teased the Beastman relentlessly on various wolf-slang. Wow, Jack, you're such an alpha, so red-pilled-

But then Deuce found his spell. A spell that let him take abuse from his attackers and pile-drive it back onto them.

That was fine, right? Deuce was determined to be an Honors student now for his mother and poured all of his effort into learning and being a better person. Ace could let his friend have a win without being sore about it, for sure.

Epel found his after he and the Prefect left to find the Housewardens plus Jamil. He was so excited to show off his new spell to Ace and the others once they were all back at school, wrapping his friends up in a protective coffin and lifting them up into the air before unceremoniously dropping them.

That was....that was okay. Epel's spell saved the Prefect, after all. He couldn't be too upset about it, right?

But Sebek and Silver had their own signature spells, too. Which wasn't too suprising, in hindsight, given their status as Diasomnia students.

But it...it started to hurt a bit.

And as the days wore on, as Ace had time to sit and stew on his newfound place as the only Freshmen in his friend group to not have a Signature Spell....he only got more upset over it.

"Hey, Carrot-top, you coming or not?" Deuce called out, his voice loud enough to be heard over the bustling crowd of students in the hallway. "Mm..." Ace was uncharacteristically mellow, as he had been for the past day or so. He glanced over at Deuce, with Epel and Jack alongside him. They were planning on going off-campus for a shopping trip, hoping to convince Sebek and Silver to join in with them, as well. "Yeah, I think I'll pass," He said with a casual shrug, balancing his textbooks in the nook of his arm.

"Oh-" Epel looked surprised "Are you sure? Why not? We were gonna go to an ice cream shop after- don'tcha love ice cream?"

Ace only tilted his head to the side as he shrugged again "Sorry, I got a lotta homework. You know how Housewarden Rosehearts gets about homework."

"Well, I have a lot of homework, too," Deuce started, glancing at Epel and Jack before stepping towards Ace "I should stay, too-"

"NO!" Ace cried out, lifting up a free hand to shove Deuce's chest lightly. Seeing the look of shock and confusion on his friend's face, Ace cleared his throat, trying to sound a little more agreeable "Sorry, I just- I know how much you were looking forward to this whole thing. Go on, I'll see you guys later."

He was being strangely nice and unusually solemn, his friends knew that, and Ace knew that they knew that. He didn't really care, though. And, like he thought, they eventually gave hushed goodbyes and made their way through the hall and out of the building.

As soon as they were out of sight, the careless smile that Ace had forced onto his face vanished and was replaced by a small scowl. He turned on his heel and walked to the other exit of the building, walking around the edge of the campus to avoid running into his friends again.

He was behind the Library, kicking clumps of dirt up from the ground with every step, when he heard a voice call out to him.

"Ace!" Oh, what fun! It was the Prefect!

Despite his innate desire to remain in a bad mood, Ace couldn't help but feel a slight relief at the sight of them. His scowl lifted into a tight-lipped, hesitant smile "Hey, Prefect!" He held up a finger gun to them, attempting to sound light-hearted. But his voice instead came out wavery, almost pained.

As the magicless student approached closer, they reached out an arm and locked it with Ace's, causing the boy to roll his eyes. Y/N always did enjoy holding onto him in some way since they became friends. It was almost second nature to hold hands or interlock arms while walking.

"So, what's wrong?" Was the first thing they asked, not bothering to tiptoe around the subject.

"Nothing." Ace tried. But of course, that wouldn't work around them. They knew him too well.

"Bullcrap," Y/N said "You were supposed to go shopping with the others today, and instead, you're over here ruining a perfectly good lawn. Plus, Deuce said you had homework to do, so why aren't you doing that?" They tugged on Ace's arm, making him stop, and spun around to look at him better "You've been acting off for a while now. Tell me what's wrong so I can help you. Please."

There was a moment of silence between the two. Y/N, staring intently at Ace, their eyes full of concern and worry for their friend. Ace, looking everywhere but at the Prefect, his mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water.

Then his eyes started to tear up, and before he could stop himself, Ace was crying. A big, heaving mess of a sobbing boy. He held his hands up to his face, trying desperately to wipe away his tears as they fell, to no avail. He hated being like this, especially in front of his friends. He hated crying in general- it was something he thought of as ugly, as something only sissies did. He liked to think he was so strong, so tough, that he wouldn't let anything get him to this point. He was embarrassed, ashamed to be seen like this in front of Y/N.

But to his surprise, he felt them wrap their arms around his back, and Ace leaned down, burying his face into their shoulder and holding them back as tightly as he could, making a mess of their already ratty uniform.

"It's not fair!" He choked out, his voice muffled "I want to have a special spell, too! Why am I the only one who doesn't have one yet? Am I not good enough? Am I not a strong enough mage? Even- Even Epel found his spell before me, and he saved- he saved your life! I can't compete with that, I can't be as strong and as good as everyone else! I'm gonna be as weak as- I'm gonna be powerless. I'm going to be as useless to other people as you are!"

Y/N didn't say anything in response, or maybe they did and Ace just couldn't hear them over his cries. Regardless, once he finally managed to calm down enough to only have a few tears roll down his cheeks, silent as he could get in the situation, The Prefect put their hands on his shoulders and pulled him away, looking him in the eyes.

They looked at him with not pity, nor anger at his apparent insult- as Ace had thought they would- but a knowing face, and a small smile.

"Ace," They started, lifting up their hands and cupping Ace's face in their hands, wiping away the streaks of tears with their thumbs "Is that why you've been so upset? It's not a race to see who can find their own spells first. It's something that comes naturally. It's a coin toss to see who gets it first. It all...depends on the situation, from what I can see."

They glanced to the side quickly before they dropped their hands, locking their elbow with Ace's again and beginning to walk, this time more slowly "Deuce wouldn't have found out his spell for a while if Epel hadn't of said a certain phrase to him, and he wouldn't have known to use it if Vil didn't overblot. Epel wouldn't have found his spell if we hadn't ran off together to do something incredibly dangerous and incredibly reckless...Silver and Sebek don't count, though, since they had a literal war hero as their teacher. And Jack is just...Jack." Ace finally stopped crying completely, and was instead left with shuddery breaths.

"I'm sorry- sorry I called you useless-" he tried to start, but the Prefect interrupted him.

"No, you had a point. In battle, I am useless. I can't use magic at all...But trust me, Ace, you'll find out your Signature spell, too. And you know what?" There was a mischevious look in Y/N's eyes.

"...What?" Ace asked, wiping his face with his free hand.

"I bet your spell will be even cooler that theirs. They'll be, like, totally jealous."

Sniffing, he smiled weakly "You think so?"

"I know so, buddy," Slapping Ace on the back, the Prefect pulled him into another hug "You've been one of my best friends since I've been here, and you protect me whenever you can. You're one of the strongest guys in this school, and don't let anyone tell you anything different, alright?"

"Alright."

"Awesome- now, come on, I'm gonna beat your ass in basketball after you called me a lame, useless nobody."

Ace made a noise as Y/N yanked on his hand "Wait, I didn't say all that, and you said-"

"Too late, prepare to get your butt handed to you in your own sport!"

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#twisted wonderland #twst #twst fanfic #twst x reader #twst ace #ace trappola #ace trapolla x reader

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