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biting-miguel-ohara · 2 months ago

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Orgasm Denial with Baron Zemo

A/N: Y’all, is it gay to fall for your one night stand? Lol. Anyway, here’s Kinktober fic #5

Also, schatz means treasure and lieber means darling in German, I believe. (Don’t come at me for them please. I did a basic internet search for masculine petnames in German)

Written for an ftm!Reader

Link to masterlist here

CW: restraints; explicit sexual content; smut; Reader propositions Zemo; there’s a little bit of plot to this one; Reader is called schatz, lieber, and good boy; German petnames; kissing; Reader’s arousal is called slick; Reader is implied to be post-op, but could be read as just being scarred; nudity; implied dysphoria/self-image issues (Reader just started meeting his own gaze in the mirror); Zemo has a bit of a possession kink if you sorta squint; Reader is a sub; tasting arousal; Reader’s parts are called dick and hole; teasing; begging; fingering; orgasm denial/ruined orgasms; unprotected penetrative sex; lovemaking; there’s a lot of intimacy in this one, just fyi; cum eating; aftercare; possible emotional manipulation from Zemo (?)

1231 words

You whimper as Zemo tightens your restraints, keeping your hands firmly but not roughly tied to the bed frame. You’re his plaything tonight. His to mess with as he pleases.

You weren’t quite expecting this when you propositioned him at the bar, but you’re not complaining. He’s hot. Dressed in a smooth knit sweater and expensive pants, with that fucking fur trim coat that first caught your eye still on him.

You’d gotten his name on the taxi ride over, breathed between hungry kisses and groping hands. Zemo. Helmut.

“You look divine, schatz,” he purrs, eyes raking over your form. You’re naked, slick already pooling on the bedsheets below you. It feels exposing, to be naked in such a way. Your scars on display. Your body so shamelessly revealed.

You only recently started meeting your gaze in the mirror. And now you’re fully at the mercy of a man you’ve just met.

But god, if it doesn’t feel thrilling.

There’s something about him you just trust. Maybe it’s the way he’s looking at you. Or the smooth lilt of his voice. Something about him promises a better time than you’ve ever been able to have before.

You have the distinct feeling you’re going to be remembering this night for a while.

He settles next to you, taking the time to roll up his sleeves. It makes you ache with excitement.

“What are you going to do?” You can’t keep the tremble of excitement from your voice.

He smirks. Strokes a hand along your thigh, up closer to your dripping hole. “I’m going to ruin you, lieber. Every man you have after this will only remind you of me. Every time you play with this handsome little hole of yours, you’re going to think of me.”

You shiver with anticipation. There’s more than a promise in his voice. It sets your nerves on fire, eagerness coursing through you.

“Yes, sir,” you whisper. It just feels right to say. The submission already coming easily, and he hasn’t even started yet.

“Good boy.”

Those two words set your body afire. Somehow, coming from him, it’s hotter than ever before.

With a chuckle at your reaction, Zemo nudges your legs open. He swipes a couple fingers against you, gathering your slick. He pops them into his mouth, sucking your wetness from them with a satisfied hum. “You taste delicious, schatz. Even better than I expected.”

You whimper, dick throbbing at the sight. Your hole clenches around nothing, more slick spilling out of you. He’s so hot. Looking so composed and thoughtful. Like he’s tasting expensive chocolate instead of your wetness.

“Please, sir,” you whine. You need his fingers in you. “Please touch me.”

He smirks and teases his fingertips against your hole. Just barely giving you any pressure at all. Just the bare tips dipping inside. It’s torture.

You moan and squirm, desperately trying to shift down to push his fingers deeper in. But your restraints keep you in place. Stopping you from doing what you want.

“Is something the matter?” He asks, eyes glinting smugly. “Use your words if you want something, lieber.”

“Please!” It’s a little embarrassing how quickly he can make you beg, but you’re too needy to care. “Please, please, I need your fingers!”

“Where do you want them? Here?” He presses his thumb to your dick, circling it with a smirk. “Or here?”

With one swift press, he slides two of his fingers inside you. You whimper, arching your hips up. “Yes, yes! Oh, god!”

He curls his fingers, rubbing them against your sweet spot. You moan, squirming and whining with pleasure. His fingers feel so long inside you, reaching that spot of bliss you can’t quite reach yourself.

He starts fucking you with his hand. The squelching sound from your slick is obscene. You’re so wet, soaking his hand and fingers.

Your orgasm builds, growing and growing and growing until—

Just as you’re about to reach your peak, he pulls his hand away. Leaving you to flounder and gasp in shock. You’ve never had a partner just… deny you like that.

Zemo’s eyes gleam with satisfaction. Watching as your expression goes from shock to confusion.

“What…?”

“Oh, schatz,” he purrs. “You didn’t think I’d make it that easy? The place you’re cumming is around my cock, do you understand?”

Your eyes prickle a little but you nod. “Yes, sir.”

“Good boy.” He swipes his thumb against your dick and it starts all over again.

He brings you to the edge of orgasm once more before you break and start crying. Twice more before you start pleading for release.

It’s only once you start begging shamelessly that he relents.

He undresses slowly, taking his time as if you’re not a whimpering mess on the bed. His sheets are absolutely ruined by now, soaked through with your slick.

The moment he lines himself up and the tip of his dick nudges against your hole, you know you’re a goner. Just the barest bit of pressure and you’re clenching like a vise.

You need to cum so bad. The feeling of his dick sliding into you, stretching out your walls and bumping against your sweet spot, only makes the need worse.

You’d be drooling if he didn’t lean down to kiss you. Tasting your lips with a softness and a hunger that ignites your insides yet again.

He thrusts into you, slow and even. Still taking his time. But his thrusts are deep and his cock stretches you so nicely. You can’t even muster up a single thought to be mad.

He fucks you like he loves you. Mouthing kisses along your jawline, murmuring filthy praises into your ear.

Your orgasm sneaks up on you, building low and slow and hot until it’s crackling along your body. Making you arch your back and squeeze him like a vice.

You’re so on edge from your lost orgasms that it burns your body. Scalds your brain with pleasure, melting you to mush. You can’t even make a sound. All that comes out is a broken sob of his name.

He kisses you as he cums, filling your body with a heat that feels so wrong and so right at the same time. It makes your brain buzz with delight even as the sheer intimacy of it makes your skin prickle.

He pulls out and presses a kiss to your forehead. “You were amazing, lieber. So perfect for me.”

You just whine softly in response. You can feel his cum dripping out of your hole. He reaches down, scooping it out of you and lifting it to your lips. You lap it up, too fucked out to care about the bitter taste.

He removes your restraints, massaging your wrists and arms as he does so. It feels oddly tender. He presses a kiss to your palms, before getting up to grab a cloth.

You just lay there, still a little dazed. Something prickles in your chest. Maybe it’s the way he’s showering you with affection. Maybe it’s the way he’s so diligently caring for you.

Either way, it sets off a longing in your body. A quiet yearning for more than just a one night stand. Part of you wonders if that was his intent all along.

At least one thing you know for sure. You really aren’t going to forget him any time soon.

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juuheizou · 1 year ago

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Hiii~ so you're one of my favourite suzumutsu writers and i REALLY love the way tou grasp the personality of these characters and so i really trust you to answer this question,,, ive been scrolling through aot these days and i found a certain fic ab a certain ship w mustuki where they basically become parents of a baby conceived AND birthed by mutsuki(w the fic being centered on mutsuki going through postpartum... to this day I honestly don't know how to feel about that fic and this heavy doubt(and discomfort) echoes in my head as mutsuki is my favorite character: all things considered, would mustuki ever to go through a pregnancy willingly? would he ever be comfortable, what exactly are his thoughts on it and basically- do you see this scenario ever happening in any way? w juuzou or any partner?

Hi!! As much as I love to ramble about Suzuya, it's so nice to talk to someone whose favorite is Mutsuki! I often describe them both as my favorites, just my 'it me' favorite and my 'love of my life favorite, myself. I'm flattered that you would want to hear my take on an aspect of him that I can tell is kind of delicate in your eyes, and I see why it would be.

Just gonna warn you right now, hopefully morbid isn't a bad thing, and I don't think it's any worse than the rest of the series, but just in case anyone doesn't want that in their lives, this answer is kinda morbid, and mentions/implies sexual assault.

Let me just say, I totally feel your doubt, as I don't see him or Suzuya as the parenting types. In Mutsuki's case specifically, you can like children, be good with them, and want to treat them kindly without wanting your own. As much as he does like them, he also likes being able to give them back to their actual parents so he can go scour all traces of their snot/spitup/mysterious child stickiness from his body before he has a mini-breakdown. The only thing I see them having any desire to parent is cats.

Anywho, to answer your actual question, I don't see him ever conceiving willingly. For one, wanting children is a pretty important prerequisite for doing so, which is why I led with that even though it's not exactly what you asked. Even if someone else with no desire for him to co-parent was both close enough to him to know he's a trans man and desperate enough to ask him of all people to be a surrogate, it would break his heart, and he would feel horrible about not being able to stomach something that means so much to a friend of his, but not enough that he would do it. Dysphoria plus a phobia of blood that (in my headcanon world) extends to other bodily fluids, bodily trauma, and a lot of medical-type stuff do not mix with any desire to go through a pregnancy, in my opinion.

That being said, maybe, if I had to rack my brain for a scenario where even some of what you describe would happen while still being (my idea of) in character, there is exactly one way that makes a reasonable amount of sense to me. I think if he conceived against his will, during his captivity on Rushima or some other awful time caused by someone he knew was a ghoul, he would swallow his many layers of discomfort to carry an extremely rare tissue donor, knowing it would be too weak to survive long after birth, to term.

I'll be the first to say the series really went from good fantasy to bad sci-fi by the end of :re and ghoul anatomy/physiology and medicine pertaining to it (ESPECIALLY repro, hooo boy did rereading the one-eyed ghoul wiki for this ask induce some off-screen facepalming) doesn't make much sense in a lot of places, but if Kaneki's whole dragon thing led to life-saving biomedical research, I would imagine something like that would be useful? I did say this was if I had to rack my brain.

I still don't see him being at all comfortable with it. Actually, I think he would discover triggers and phobias he didn't even know he had at every turn and be pretty miserable through it all. But we're talking about someone who got into Torso's taxi all those years ago because if his hunch was right, he would save one person. Any investigator with a modicum of sense would know he isn't going to stop Torso altogether by getting in that taxi all alone at his skill level-- more likely he would just be killed too; he did it for that one person. If he would give his life to help one person, I don't think it's that much of a reach that he would give even the most harrowing nine months of his life for research that could help countless people, including Shirazu Haru and (apparently) Shinohara.

In addition to that being the kind of person Mutsuki is, I can also see him faulting himself for things he would never fault anyone else for, such as killing his captor before his captor could torture him to death. If it was after Rushima, he might struggle with a lot of guilt and feel like a murderer for doing what he had to do to survive. Add terminating a pregnancy that resulted from said torture to that guilt, and he wouldn't be able to bring himself to do it, even if he knows that by no sound logic is he killing a human being. Under his circumstances, being the person he is, it would feel like he's already a murderer for saving himself from Torso and now he wants to add to the body count, and that alone is too much for him. Logic loses out and emotionally, he's torn between two options that, to him, are both unthinkable. At least something good can come of one of those unthinkable options.

You probably expect as much coming from me of all people, but I don't think he would get through it without Suzuya by his side. For one, it's not talked about much on the human side iirc, but I don't imagine that being pregnant with a hybrid doesn't endanger the parent and he would probably dismiss it as personal weakness and end up near-death at the first attempt by the tiny tissue donor to wreak havoc on the hostile environment that is his body. Suzuya, however, would reliably not let that happen. There are lots of characters in the series who have killed, but Suzuya's relationship with death is especially intimate and he's taken so many bodies apart up so close and personal, even compared to all but a handful of other characters in the series. To this day in completely unrelated situations he can feel someone might be dying in his bones and his instinct is rarely wrong.

Also just a headcanon, but I think the CCG would utilize some kind of tactical emergency medicine program, as every major operation we see is a shining example of a situation that normal EMS can't safely enter, and Mr. “Hang in there, don't die yet!” would jump SO HARD on the opportunity to have that training. It probably wasn't for the right reasons at first, but reasons don't matter so much when your wounded colleague gets to a hospital alive because of you. Or your significant other who didn't know his anemia was back with a vengeance until those symptoms he had been dismissing as mental anguish for a while gradually escalated to early signs of shock.

Apart from keeping him, you know, alive, Suzuya would be good for Mutsuki's fragile mental health during such a difficult time as well. Like I said, I think he would unearth things that he didn't even know he could have a phobia of or be dysphoric about. Even when Mutsuki is too far along for Suzuya's practical talent with a needle and thread or even his baggiest hoodie to help him hide his changing body, no one is going to stare at him long enough to form any small-minded opinion when Suzuya Juuzou is always at his side to glare back at them-- or worse. And even though the reasons are different, Suzuya knows what it's like to be made to feel like less of a man for something he never asked for, like his body isn't his, a lot of the terrible things Mutsuki is going through, and he knows how to make the turmoil a little less bad, sometimes.

Who better than the first person who really taught him to face his fears to hold his hand through every harrowing doctor's appointment and comfort him after a new discovery of the many things he could have gone his whole life not knowing he hated more than blood draws? Carrying an unwanted pregnancy that's making him suffer in every physical and mental way possible is slightly less awful with a Suzuya to hold his hair back, gently clean him up, and keep him company while he stays on the floor with his head between his knees for a while to avoid passing out when he learns that his reaction to vomit is not that different from blood. Pregnancy cravings even more terrible than rare meat --he knows what it really is he craves, but he can get temporary relief from other red meats, especially organs, and especially raw-- are slightly less revolting and terrible when he doesn't have to choke them down alone, and to Suzuya those things taste like childhood nostalgia.

Plus, even if you had no attachment or desire to raise it from the start, it is really fucking sad to watch a small, helpless living thing die in your hands and I just can't see Mutsuki shying away from that when the time comes. He probably named it just because 'the baby' felt too much like he did want what happened to him and 'the tissue donation' felt disrespectful, and he wouldn't feel right letting it spend the short time (if any time) between birth and death any other way than bundled in his arms, being treated just like a wanted baby as much as it may hurt him. Not to mention the physiological flood of oxytocin that doesn't care about any one birth parent's feelings or thought process. Having such a calm shoulder to cry on, even if that calm comes from desensitization to death, would be good for him once it's all a difficult, conflicted memory.

#answers #anon #tokophobia cw #infant death cw #ngl even though like i said i don't see it and would have to reeeeaally stretch my logic and ideas of this character #i'm kinda morbidly curious about this fic you mention #probably wouldn't get through it but what can i say i have an inquisitive mind #also as always thank you so much friend-- hopefully you still think i grasp them well haha #the idea of disappointing someone who would say such kind things haunts my sleep a little bit

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pandapupremade · 2 years ago

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this has been an ordeal but like i said im holding out thanks to the kindness of strangers + Selwyn and everyone else. but shout out in particular to the very kind man who talked to me while we waited for paramedics when I collapsed. I was crying and couldnt move bc i was so weak and he kept smiling and saying i was doing well and that i was strong, asked me how many siblings i have, etc. he wasn't even an employee he had his own problems at the desk but he stayed with me as long as he could to keep me conscious + calm me down and when he left he said i was a atrong girl and dysphoria could not even hope to make me feel bad at that. i really hope wherever that man is that he knows what a good soul he is. him, the employees who paid for my taxi to the hospital and back to the airport, gave me vouchers bc i needed food and kept trying to insist i eat, one employee helped me down to the taxi and thru customs, the ER nurse who offered me water and crackersz and the security guard at the hospital who was just overall so kind. god. i dont know if i believe in heaven or not but i know those ppl are going somewhere good

#kermit.txt #ask to tag #comfort #not safe for echo #hospital tw #religion mention #jic

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late-to-the-party-221 · 4 years ago

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ADHD John Watson

Ok so idk how to formulate this, but John Watson is adhd.

He stims (sometimes. It’s probably just martin freeman stimming tho. Freeman taps his hand on his leg & snaps his fingers. John plays with his face though. When they’re saying goodbye with that lead-up for a love confession that fell through, he pursed his lips. IDK if this is a stim or just smth he does.)

He has emotional dysregulation (He has anger issues & emotional outbursts, like when he tackles sherlock in the restaurant; He doesn’t react like a nt to danger, most nt ppl would react more emotionally, but his emotions are dysregulated so he reacts differently; He went from beating sherlock up to getting him Irene Adler’s first aid kit in two minutes; He got into a row with a chip & pin machine)

He says the same stuff often (I was a soldier, I was a soldier. Maybe he feels like nobody acknowledged that, so he needs to say it again so they actually understand him for once)

Recognition Responsive Euphoria (this is the opposite of rejection sensitive dysphoria. His soldier skills are a point of pride for him, another reason he keeps bringing up his service.)

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (He is so hurt by major whatshisface when he mentions John is retired; He is so hurt when sherlock insults his intelligence, that he doesn’t even want to try- like with the shoes that moriarty left in 221c; He’s hurt often, esp when compared to sherlock)

He doesn’t accept Sherlock’s praise (In the hounds of baskerville sherlock compliments him & he just doesn’t accept it)

He is stuck in pattern (Idrk abt this one, but he called sherlock “nurse” when in a medical emergency, & he kept his apartment minimalist when he lived alone)

He went to med school (if we follow the theory that he was poor & from an abusive family with an alcoholic dad, idk how he got the money to go to med school, but becoming a doctor could have been his hyperfixation, & then he would hyperfocus on his schoolwork, which is how he got his degree. Personally, I could never do that, but my adhd symptoms aren’t universal.)

He joined the military (We partially believe this was to escape from his abusive family, maybe also to pay off his student debt, but maybe it was also because he needed the structure. ADHDers often struggle with “basic” things, so he probably needed someone else to provide shelter & food so he didn’t have to think about it himself, hence the military.)

He joined the military (again) (I struggle with summer vacation bc there’s no structure & so I don’t get anything done & it makes me anxious. John could be the same: he needs the routine that he doesn’t need to uphold himself, wake up, shine your boots, whatever. He is in charge of others, adhd ppl can be bossy sometimes, but he also gets to listen to orders. He is given clear instructions, & then he does them. It’s nice to have externally imposed structure when you’re adhd. He didn’t have to make decisions.)

Last time with the military I promise (The military taught him to suppress his emotions- emotional dysregulation solved; they also taught him discipline which ADHDers struggle with. He joined to stop his adhd impulsivity. Also, he joined the military to suppress his sexuality, but that’s just me lol)

He sometimes doesn’t notice things (this might just be bc he’s beside sherlock, but john doesn’t notice certain things, including social behaviour; like in the restaurant scene, he asks sherlock if he has a romantic partner. Is that a normal thing for nt’s to ask?)

John is hyper aware of social etiquette (John struggles with social things, so he needs to memorize them, & has an intense need to be accepted. He tries to be as polite as possible, telling sherlock to thank ppl. & when he interrupts the taxi with the guy from the USA, he stays behind & says if he ever needs anything from the police, just call. that was sooo awkward! very adhd.)

He struggles to articulate his thoughts (at sherlock’s gravestone, when he’s asking sherlock to be his best man, sometimes he just hesitates & can’t vocalize his thoughts)

He doesn’t like to socialize (he does just fine, but I’m just thinking of that time Mike Stamford was trying to get his attention & he ignored him.)

He understands Sherlock (nd ppl have a connection. They understand each other better than a nt could. John picks up on about half sherlock’s stuff, but twice as much as other ppl. If sherlock is autistic &/or adhd, this makes sense. & sherlock is autistic as mentioned, he has aspergers, now known as asd.)

He is best friends with someone who reflects his own impulsivity (Sherlock. Their lifestyle is so impulsive.)

Object impermanence (in the first episode, it’s heavily implied that he’s s**cidal, & he keeps his gun in his drawer. He needs it there bc if it was properly put away, he would forget it. He needs it within reach. I keep my r*z*rs in a rosary box near my bed just like john keeping his gun in a drawer in his desk.)

there’s more I’m sure, but he just gives me adhd vibes. He is more “high functioning” than me, but he still seems a little bit adhd.

- I have grown as a person since writing this post. I still believe that JW has ADHD, however, this post is very imperfect.

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jenniferdiazisatransgirl · 3 years ago

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Awful News

Hey everyone,

So as some of you will know I was hit by a taxi that ran a red light in May. I was the unlucky pedestrian in his path and I broke my left tibia and fibula and my back in 4 places.

I’ve been slowly gaining back mobility and can now walk with just a walking stick. However it turns out my tibia isn’t healing. Well slightly inaccurate. It is healing but it wants to heal to my fibula and not the other piece of tibia. While my leg has been managing on super minimal support, placing all that pressure on the fibula isn’t a great idea.

Basically I am gonna have to have surgery which is gonna knock all my mobility progress back to square one. Not gonna be happening for 7 weeks yet at minimum but it still sucks 😕

Hopefully won’t need as long a hospital stay this time round though and I have jeans that now fit over a cast so my mood should be way better.

Trust me, the jeans help a lot with my dysphoria.

#my life #miscellaneous

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cristobalrios · 5 years ago

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tagged by stole it

tagging steal it

MUSE: Cristóbal Rios FC: Santiago Cabrera OCCUPATION: Pilot, captain of a civilian freighter, usually moving cargo of various kinds, sometimes taking on passengers. Former Starfleet officer, attained the rank of Commander before he was discharged for post-traumatic dysphoria, veteran of the Dominion War AGE: 46 SEXUALITY: Pansexual PRONOUNS: he/him

APPEARANCE:

I am 5'7" or taller

I wear glasses

I have at least one tattoo

I have at least one piercing

I have blonde hair

I have brown eyes

I have short hair

My abs are at least somewhat defined

I have or have had braces

PERSONALITY:

I love meeting new people

People tell me that I’m funny

Helping others with their problems is a big priority for me

I enjoy physical challenges

I enjoy mental challenges

I’m playfully rude with people I know well

I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it

There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY:

I can sing well

I can play an instrument

I can do over 30 pushups without stopping

I’m a fast runner

I can draw well

I have a good memory

I’m good at doing math in my head

I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute

I have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling

I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch

I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES:

I enjoy playing sports

I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else (was)

I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else

I have learned a new song in the past week

I work out at least once a week (every day)

I’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months

I have drawn something in the past month

I enjoy writing

I do or have done martial arts

EXPERIENCES:

I have had my first kiss

I have had alcohol

I have scored the winning goal in a sports game

I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting

I have been at an overnight event

I have been in a taxi

I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year

I have beaten a video game in one day

I have visited another country

I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts

RELATIONSHIPS:

I’m in a relationship

I have a crush on a celebrity

I have a crush on someone I know

I have been in at least 3 relationships

I have never been in a relationship

I have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them

I get crushes easily

I have had a crush on someone for over a year

I have been in a relationship for at least a year

I have had feelings for a friend

MY LIFE:

I have at least one person I consider a “best friend”

I live close to my school

My parents are still together

I have/had at least one sibling

I live in the United States (he has)

There is snow right now where I live

I have hung out with a friend in the past month

I have a smartphone

I have at least 15 CD’s (actually, he has at least 15 records. Really old school)

I share my room with someone (not currently, but he had *and* Sylar is going to start sleeping in his cabin with him, hopefully)

RANDOM SHIT:

I have break-danced

I know a person named Jamie

I have had a teacher with a last name that’s hard to pronounce

I have dyed my hair

I’m listening to one song on repeat right now

I have punched someone in the past week

I know someone who has gone to jail

I have broken a bone

I have eaten a waffle today

I know what I want to do with my life

I speak at least 2 languages

#about

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fluidityandgiggles · 6 years ago

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Sleep Is For The Weak - Chapter 16

Previous Chapters: Prologue, Chapter 1, Chapter 5, Chapter 10, Last Chapter

Writing Masterlist - for previous chapters not otherwise linked, Read on AO3

Notes (I guess): I realize it took me way too long to do this, but I can explain. Uhh...

So for those of you who don’t know, I haven’t been home since September, and I won’t be home for another... two weeks, more or less? I’ve been to places where I couldn’t know if I’d have working wifi or any wifi at all so updating this fic has been a mission. So I do whatever I can to update at reasonable times.

With that being said, I finished this chapter way back last month while on a two week long trek in Nepal and haven’t had the opportunity to upload it, so I’m grateful I can now. Because this one... was a hell of an exposition ride for a lot of shit I planned a long long time ago.

Quick disclaimer - some bits of this chapter deal with the definition of transgender, and a specific learning disorder. The definition of transgender mentioned in this chapter has been taken from the DSM-IV-TR, which is a defunct edition of the DSM that came out in the year 2000 and has been replaced by the DSM-5 in 2013. The definition has since been changed and separated, and I believe it is now called gender dysphoria, though I’m not quite sure. But it does not reflect my opinions on how dysphoria is related to being trans, I do believe (and have several sources to back me up, including the DSM-5) that you don’t have to be dysphoric to be trans. The same goes for this learning disorder, what is said in this chapter reflects only the way the characters think of it - and it will change later on, I can assure you - and not at all what I would think or say about it.

As is tradition, thanks to @whatwashernameagain for KHS and for all her patience with me and my shenanigans (and not getting frustrated with my stupid ideas) and to @broadwaytheanimatedseries for the original idea and for giving me the best commentary for my screenshots when I send them. And also to @winglessnymph , @asleepybisexual and @anony-phangirl , who have fallen out of the loop but are still there. I know I haven’t sent you anything much in recent days, but... still.

Tag list (sort of): @bunny222, @ab-artist, @sweet-and-sour-shadowling, @ilovemygaydad, @your-username-is-unavailable, @virgilcrofters, @violetblossem, @maybe-i-like-the-misery, @book-of-charlie, @thatsanswitch, @thatrandomautist, @thebiggestgaypirate, @marshmallow-the-panda

(Wanna be tagged? Lemme know!)

Trigger warning: period appropriate transphobia (the early 00s were not exactly trans-friendly). This chapter also includes (rather controversial) opinions/ideas about the definition of transgender (as mentioned in a now-defunct, but then the most recent, edition of the DSM), discussion of abortion, mentions of past self-harm, discussion of personality disorders and hospitalization, panic attacks, and description of rejection sensitive dysphoria. I’m pretty sure I forgot something though, so let me know if I have so I can add it.

—————

Friday, May 30th, 2003

"...your valedictorian, Jenna Miranda Wheeler."

"Class of 2003…"

New York was beautiful in May.

Sadly, that was not where Remy was heading today.

According to Linda, Stephen was going to go on a business trip for at least two weeks in June, starting late May. So Remy was invited over for the summer. Not his first choice, but Leah begged him to come and Emile said that it might be a good idea. But…

Spending more than a day at Linda's, combined with the knowledge that Jenna and India have graduated just a few days ago and Chris hasn't, was a good enough reason for Remy to feel shitty. And he did.

The main upside was that Georgia was beautiful in May too.

He managed to cheer himself up somewhat by thinking of the good things that happened this month - Emile's TOVA results (9/9 inattentive symptoms, 4/9 hyperactive-impulsive, definitely has inattentive type ADHD), India's name being called at graduation instead of her deadname, Jenna graduating valedictorian, his friends moving to Virginia and so on - by the time the taxi from the airport pulled up in front of the, by now, rather familiar house.

And then his stomach dropped.

Stephen was still there.

"Do you need help with those bags, Rebecca?" He asked, eyeing the massive, neon pink duffel bag and the incredibly heavy purple backpack that sat on the sidewalk near Remy as he tapped his foot nervously.

"Not from you I don't. Thanks for the offer, but… no thanks."

He was too proud to admit that the duffel was too heavy for him to lift and he could barely drag it, but he packed most of his clothes and books in it. Some were mailed home. But not most.

"That shit gotta be heavy as fuck—"

"I said, no thank you. Now, move out of my fucking way."

Leah was napping by the time he finally dragged everything inside, but Rachel was doodling in the living room, smiling brightly when she saw him come through the door. She abandoned her crayons and waddled all the way to hug him.

As much as he barely knew her, Remy definitely loved Rachel too.

"I'm going to daycare," she mumbled somewhat, trying to use words she didn't quite know yet. "You have to come!"

"You're such a big girl!" He ruffled her pigtails, picking her up. She was so light for a two-year old. "Going to daycare already?"

"Mmhm."

"I'm so proud of you!"

She just hugged his neck and babbled on about her friends and daycare, her hand flying and her almost falling from his hold. This was another happy thing to add to the list.

He wasn't happy. But this was happy. For now.

—————

Stephen left on his business trip at around seven thirty, and Remy took a huge sigh of relief. Leah also woke up from her nap a few hours earlier, all grumpy and upset for some reason, and Remy tried talking her into telling him why she was so upset.

Linda said it was because of the nap. Leah only got even more upset.

"Why am I here?" Remy asked during dinner, while Leah entertained herself (and he was sure she didn't notice much) and Rachel was almost dozing off. "We haven't had a single good interaction since I was five years old, Linda."

"Am I no longer allowed to want to be around my son, Remy?" She stung back, looking anything but as aggressive as she just sounded.

"I'll be honest with you, kid. I know you don't like me. I can understand why. But what I don't understand is why you're bringing this up in front of your younger sisters. They're too young for this to—"

"I saw a movie about penguins on TV," Leah started rambling. "They're really weird…"

The argument stopped just as quickly as it started, and Leah was allowed to go on and on about penguins bringing rocks to each other. So he proceeded to just glare at Linda, who helped Rachel eat her pasta. This was awful, this was absolutely the worst situation he could've found himself in, and… he just wanted out.

And he kept wanting out even as Rachel already went to sleep, Leah was busy doing her homework last minute, and Linda asked Remy to help her clean up.

"I'm only here because Leah asked me to," he almost hissed as he was tasked with packing the leftovers in incredibly familiar tupperware containers.

"I want to spend more time with you, Remy. I'm still your mother—"

"Well, you haven't acted like it, like, ever!"

Linda sighed, putting the plate she was holding in the dishwasher. "I don't want to sound like I'm making any excuses—"

"So don't make any."

"—but I was barely your age when I had you. This is no excuse, I'm not trying to say that I had no idea what I was doing because of that, but I sacrificed so much of my life to raise you!"

"You could've aborted me! You could've been smart and used protection in the first place!"

"Condoms aren't a fail-proof—"

"Face it, Linda. You never wanted me. You're not homophobic or transphobic for the sake of it, it's clear you have at least some level of respect to queer people. You just never wanted me in the first place."

The next plate she was holding broke in the sink. "How fucking dare you say that?!"

"I'm just saying—"

"I have never wanted something in my life more than I wanted you!" Her screams hurt Remy's ears, going as far as to make Leah cry in the other room. Linda immediately lowered her voice. "I know I've been a bad mother to you. I regret every decision I've ever made while I was married to your father, except being married to him and having you. And I've spent every day since leaving you and your father regretting my decisions, and wanting to make it up to you, but you kept pushing me away. How do you think that makes me feel, huh? Do you still think you're the only one who's been robbed of something in this relationship?"

"...you had Leah while you were still married to Dad" was all he could say. And he hoped he'd have the last word. "Was she a mistake too?"

Sadly, you can't always get what you want.

"Leah… is problematic. But she wasn't a mistake either. None of you are, and you can stop saying that. Whatever is wrong with her does not make her a mistake. Just as your gender identity disorder does not make you a mistake."

"No, you're right. It doesn't. It makes me transgender. A female-to-male man. You know those terms? Female to male, transgender? It's what people call it nowadays."

There was another long moment of silence as Linda cleaned up the broken plate and Remy finished packing up the leftovers, and Leah stopped crying.

It was a stressful silence. Very typical of home life with Linda Brigham-Hollander.

"...you may not have come at a time I liked," she sighed after everything, falling into a chair. Remy was ready to leave the kitchen, but this wouldn't let him. "I know we could've… waited a few more years. But you came when you did, and I don't regret that. You were never a mistake. I may have a hard time understanding… what… your identity. I'm trying my best to educate myself now, you know—"

"That's almost five years too late."

"I don't know what Leah told you about her school life, but whatever hardships she got understanding stuff—"

"She has no trouble understanding stuff as far as I can see—"

"Educational stuff. School material. She got that from me. Education comes harder for me, you may not know that. I was never the brightest student and I only completed my high school diploma when you were three years old. Don't get me wrong, this has nothing to do with you. But I couldn't learn when you asked me to. It felt like—"

"Linda, it didn't take Dad five years to be able to call me by my name and use the correct pronouns. Even if you don't mean it this way, this is bullshit to me. And I hope you get it."

And then he got up and left, leaving her to her own. If she cried, well… that's none of his business.

—————

Sunday, June 8th, 2003

Nathalie and Emile were getting ready for the Tony awards when Emile had a panic attack.

No, that's not true. Emile has been having panic attacks all week long for some weird reason he couldn't explain, most likely not being able to talk to Remy all week long since his phone died and he couldn't get a new one just yet. But today was the worst one. So Julie lent him her phone for a call, to explain himself so he won't panic so much, but…

But Remy wouldn't understand. He'd be mad if Emile tried to call him from Julie's phone because of some panic attacks… and then he'd hate him, and then… and then…

Then he wouldn't have a best friend anymore…

What was India's phone number again…?

She picked up on the fourth ring. "India McGinty—"

"It's Emile," he almost sobbed the second she picked up. "I… I have a question…"

"Oh, honey, of course. What is it?"

"Do you think Remy would hate me…? My phone died and I can't get another one until next week and—"

"Emile, are you… are you crying right now?"

"No… I did before, I just…"

She sighed before clearing her throat. That's it, she hates him too—

"Do you mind if I pass you over to Jenna? She's better at this than me."

"...okay…"

"...Emile?" Jenna's voice was softer than India's somehow. She'd never raise her voice, but Emile was scared of the people who'd be there when she does once she becomes a lawyer. "Can you please explain what's going on?"

"Well… my phone died, and I can't tell Remy because he's with his mom and I don't wanna call him while he's with his mom, so I'm scared that if I don't talk to him all summer he'll hate me and then he won't talk to me anymore and I can't—"

"Let's slow down, you're only upsetting yourself. Remy is your best friend, right?"

"Yeah… I mean, I like him a bit more but, but it's not like I can just tell him that, and…"

"That's fine, we're not gonna focus on this for now. That's for another time. But he's your best friend, right?"

"Yeah, I just told you!"

"So why would he hate you for something like that? He's going to understand, I'm sure."

"I don't… know… it just feels like he might…"

"I know. This feeling fucking sucks, doesn't it?" She chuckled. Emile couldn't answer to that. He just… he couldn't. "But it's not healthy to dwell on this feeling. It might become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you fret about it so much."

"What do you mean…?"

"...have I ever told you that I was institutionalized until my second year of college?"

He couldn't stop his jaw from dropping. "No…"

"Okay. So I'll tell you now. I… how squeamish are you? I don't want to… trigger anything…"

"I don't know… I don't… I don't think I really mind much…?"

"Okay, I… I'll censor it anyway. Is that okay with you?"

"Yeah."

"So when I was fourteen, I started harming myself. It's not… it was what you'd think, but not for the most part. I didn't cut really. But my parents knew, and they gave a ton of fucks and not just because they had a reputation to uphold like I thought they did back then. They just… they gave all the fucks."

"Okay… I'm sorry, I didn't—"

"Don't apologize, you had no part in this. And you never will. I promise."

"Okay."

"Two years after I started, my parents sent me to a psych ward. At that time they thought I was depressed, it was too early to diagnose me properly, so… I've lived for three years on doses of antidepressants that didn't do a whole lot, because nobody knew. I was finally diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when I was nineteen, my medication prescription was fixed and I was let out of there when they decided I'm doing well enough to be able to live on my own again. I spent my first year of law school with a nurse attached to my hip, can you imagine?" She laughed, and Emile struggled to hold back a smile.

"Actually yeah… my sister is narcoleptic…"

"Oh shoot, sorry… didn't mean that. Anyway… back to the topic at hand, yeah? I was… infatuated, for a lack of a better word, with this guy. His name was David. I thought I was in love with him, but it turned out I idolized him to a point where he became my favorite person, and that was an incredibly toxic experience. He was like… like Angelina Jolie in Girl, Interrupted. But dialed up to eleven. He was a fucking asshole and I haven't seen him in years… he was transferred to another place after an incident that involved one of my friends, she ended up almost killing herself because of this guy. And my anxiety over being perfect for him, over making him like me and making sure that he keeps liking me, made me extremely unhealthy in the long run."

There was a pause, possibly for Emile to process. Most likely. This wasn't fair… this was totally not fair! Why did good people have to go through shitty things?

"My next favorite person after him was a girl I dated for a couple months before India." Jenna sounded kind of breathless at that, as if she was crying herself. "And… she made me talk to her. She asked me questions for clarification all the time and helped me with my anxiety, especially when I felt like this. I was tiring, but… it's the effort she put into this that counted. Emile… you gotta talk to Remy."

"But… but I can't…"

"Who said? Communication is key. I know it might be really hard, especially for you, but… call him. It's his birthday soon, right? In July?"

"Yeah…"

"Call him. Write down everything you want to tell him and tell him then. I promise it'll make your anxiety a lot easier to manage."

————

"Remy," Linda called from the living room as he was heading to bed. This was becoming ridiculous…

"I told you, I'm not talking to you for the rest of this—"

"I can't read a single word in this cursed book of yours."

"...what book?"

"This DSM thing. Remy, darling, why do you need this book? It's so difficult to understand, couldn't they have written better books about this?"

He ended up not going to bed after all, instead resorting to making himself tea and going to sit on the couch next to her.

"Mom, that's… that's the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, mom. It's existed since the fifties. This is the revised version. They can't make it simpler to understand, I don't think."

"Well, your grandma's always said that if a child can't understand what's written, it's because the writer is bad at what they're doing."

"And so have a lot of my professors, but sadly this is what we have to work with. What's so confusing anyway?"

"I was trying to read about your… your thing, the gender identity disorder thing…" she turned the book to him. The passages in this section have been highlighted the day he bought the book and he knew them by heart. Well, for the most part. "I'm sorry, but the words are just… long and confusing."

"...that's fine… it's totally fine, I can… I can simplify it for you…"

"I don't need you to simplify it for me, I know English. I just… I can't read this! Big and confusing academic paper words."

Oh fuck…

"I'm a painter, not an academic, Remy. I can't read. You know this. You've known this forever."

"I forgot you're dyslexic…"

"And what does forgetting that help you?"

"Nothing… let's… let's go over this together, okay? The sections that apply to me." He waited for Linda to nod, rather reluctantly, before putting on his own pair of reading glasses.

"So, to diagnose someone with gender identity disorder there are two criteria, identifying with the opposite gender and feeling dysphoria. In order to meet those criteria, you gotta not be intersex, which I think is pretty stupid, and also it has to affect your daily life."

"Yeah, I know that. Your shrink told us that when you were fourteen. Let's move on, okay?"

"...okay. In boys, aka trans girls, this doesn't apply to me… okay. Girls with GID, aka trans boys, display a intense negative reactions to parental expectations, blah blah blah, you never had any expectations of me so this doesn't apply…"

"No no no no no, you will read this out. No skipping."

"Okay, fine! Girls with GID display intense negative reactions to parental expectations or attempts to have them wear dresses or other feminine attire. Some may refuse to attend school or social events where such clothes may be required... They prefer boy's clothing and short hair, are often misidentified by strangers as boys, and may ask to be called a boy's name. Reminds you of something?"

"...go on."

"Their fantasy heroes, yeah no, I never had fantasy heroes…"

"You had She-Ra."

"Yeah, but she made me gay, not trans, mom. Prefer boys as playmates, contact sports… yeah, none of that either…"

"You used to play soccer as a kid. Your dad has a lot of pictures of that, you know."

"I… didn't actually know that… huh."

"You didn't learn to kick a ball from your father, though. I'll tell you that."

It took a bit of time for Remy to stop himself from giggling, deciding to sip his tea instead. It didn't work very well.

"Yeah… well… moving on, ‘they show little interest in dolls or any form of feminine dress up or role-play activity. A girl with this disorder may occasionally refuse to urinate in a sitting position. She may claim that she has or will grow a penis and may not want to grow breasts or menstruate. She may assert that she will grow up to be a man. Such girls typically reveal marked cross-gender identification in role-play, dreams and fantasies.' Does any of this sound familiar, mom? Because I don't… I don't actually know."

"Until now… yeah. All of that sounds incredibly familiar. Look, I…"

"I know what's you're gonna say, and please don't. It's fine. I know you panicked, I know you said things you didn't mean to, but… can we leave that for now? That's a bridge we're gonna deal with later. Now, adults with GID…"

They ended up staying up for far longer than either of them wanted to, but it was alright. Linda wanted to learn. Remy was willing to teach her.

They only barely made it to bed at three in the morning, the page bookmarked for tomorrow, when they'll continue reading.

#kylo cant write #sanders sides #remy/sleep #emile picani #keep him safe #sleep is for the weak #the remy centric prequel #tw: period appropriate transphobia #tw: mental health discussion #tw: invalid/defunct definition of transgender #tw: discussion of abortion #tw: mentions of self-harm #tw: personality disorders #tw: hospitalization #tw: panic attacks #tw: rejection sensitive dysphoria #wow this is a long one

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lunchlich · 6 years ago

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I wanted to make a little masterpost of my Marvel fics that I can update every so often, so it’ll be easier for the tumblr crowd to find them. Here’s all of the Marvel fics I’ve written under the cut, sorted by ship and with a short description/keywords and warnings. UPDATED: Dec. 2 2018

IronStrange

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Tony's loses his sight after an accident involving one of his suits.

Ongoing | 730 words | Rated T | Angst, Hurt/Comfort

Red Light

Stephen comforts Tony when he has a panic attack in bed.

One Shot | 1,300 words | Rated M | Hurt/Comfort, Mentioned sexual content

Stucky

Heart on Your Sleeve

No more hiding. No more secrecy. That's why they were headed out to a pride parade today, to celebrate how goddamn lucky they were to be here, how lucky they were to have each other. To show their love off, to give a big old middle finger to anyone who opposed it and to tell them that they're here to stay, for good. No more. Steve almost tears up thinking about it, what his first pride parade with his fiance means to him.

One Shot | 4,011 words | Rated T | Fluff, LGBT themes, mentioned period typical homophobia. Mentioned Clint/Natasha.

Too Loud

'Tony and Stephen are at it again' Is a group chat that gets way too much use from some annoyed and recently-woken up Avengers in the middle of the night.

One Shot | 1,066 words | Rated M | Humor, Domestic Avengers, Secret relationship, Implied sexual content, Ironstrange.

Ten Cents

Steve and Bucky enjoy the comfort and secrecy of Bucky's new apartment.

One Shot | 1,077 words | Rated G | Fluff, Pre-war, Trans Steve, Smoking

You Are

Steve’s dysphoria is really, really bad.

Ficlet | 395 words | Rated T | Dysphoria, Internalized transphobia, Pre-War, Trans Steve, Slight Hurt/Comfort

Dino Dash

Okay, so, getting into a car with a stranger is always a stupid idea. But this guy was nice and helped him out, and the coffee shop was only a couple of blocks away by now. He decides it's too much to walk that much further right now, and he doesn't want to call a taxi just to take him to the coffee shop. He can save that for getting home.

It's a stupid idea, but Steven Grant Rogers is a certified dumbass after all.

One Shot | 2,375 | Rated T | Modern AU, Meet-cute, Artist Steve/War Veteran Bucky | Available in Podfic form here

He’s Making A List, and Checking it Twice

It's the Christmas season of '35, and Bucky's got a few presents for Steve.

One Shot | 2,037 | Rated G | Christmas, First Kiss, Pre-war

Like Spring

Maybe having one only bed in their new apartment won't be so bad after all.

One Shot | 531 | Rated G | Sharing a Bed, Domestic Fluff

Brooklyn Leftovers

Steve Rogers puts everything on the line to make his dream come true: to tour the country with his little queercore punk rock band.

1/? | 1,252 | Rated M | Band AU, No Powers, LGBTQ Themes, Road Trips

WinterFrost

Fly Me To The Moon

Bucky plays a song he really likes for Loki.

One Shot | 1,003 words | Rated G | Fluff, First I Love You’s

Please Stand By The Shore

Bucky Barnes befriends a merman who'd been cast down from another world long before Bucky had even been born - through the pair is split up for some seventy years, the sea-dweller genuinely believing his friend had died until he finds him walking along the same pier where they had met.

Ongoing | 8,513 words | Rated M | Hurt/Comfort, Mermaid AU, Angst, Not canon compliant, Past abuse, Past sexual abuse

SamSteve

Chocolate Missile

Steve fucking loses it. The most unsexy laugh, too, loud and abrupt, a couple of snorts thrown into the mix. The kind of laugh that makes his stomach tighten and his chest heave.

One Shot | 2,093 | Explicit | First times, Laughing during sex, Trans Steve

Out of This World

Sam paints on Steve's back.

One Shot | 624 | Rated G | Non-sexual Intimacy, Body Painting

American Pi

Right Here, Right Now

Steve and Bruce go on a... Date?

One Shot | 1,143 | Rated G | Awkward dates, Bad flirting

Cartinelli

Lipstick

It's a little too early for Peggy to fully comprehend Angie's stories, so she finds a way to shut her up until she can get some coffee.

One Shot | 583 | Rated G | Romantic Fluff, Sharing a Bed

Steggy

Know You’ll Wear My Make Up Well

Steve had briefly mentioned being interested in trying feminization, at some point, and Peggy really went all out. She was so... So good to him. Arranging this just for him. She'd remembered his passing comment from months ago and from the looks of it, had been planning this since. Just to make her meek little slave happy, make him pretty.

One Shot | 5,472 | Rated E | D\s Relationships, Feminization, Femdom

No Ship/Non-Ship Focused

Is It That Obvious?

Tony wasn't sure what to think or feel about this. Or what he should even do with the new information presented to him, for that matter. Wasn't how he was normal? Wasn't everyone like this? Wasn't he just a bit... less-functional than the average Joe? Apparently fucking not, according to his therapist and newly diagnosed ADHD.

One Shot | 1,246 words | Rated G | Mentioned IronStrange, Tony has ADHD, Learning to cope, neurodivergency

Let’s Put The Glass Down For Good

Tony finds out he and Peter have some unfortunate things in common.

One Shot | 2,434 words | Rated T | Alcoholism, Past sexual abuse, Past child abuse, Heavy angst, Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a happy ending(?)

Sharing

When Bucky has days where he just can't talk, he finds comfort and solidarity with Bruce.

One Shot | 1,054 words | Rated G | Autistic Bucky, Autistic Bruce, Friendship, Jewish Bucky, Background Stucky

Five Times Steve Rogers Felt Different, and One Time He Realized Why

Alternatively, the times Steve doesn't quite feel right in the role given to him at birth, and the time he finds comfort in realizing he can break out of it.

One Shot | 2,331 | Rated G | Trans Steve, Pre-war, Coming Out

#marvel #fanfic #masterpost #fanfiction #ironstrange #stucky #winterfrost #writing #samsteve #american pi #cartinelli #steggy #trans steve rogers #neurodivergence

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purgatorical · 3 years ago

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#ignore this if you want #Taxy has dysphoria #telling myself i cant be a guy because i cry too much #telling myself i cant be a guy because i like cute things #telling myself i cant be a guy because my voice is too cute #tell myself i cant be a guy because i was given breasts that others would kill for #'what a waste' spit on the ground tear my hair out shed more tears #tell myself i cant be a guy because what would my parents think #tell myself i cant be a guy because i cant i cant i cant move forward #save me save me save me #all it takes to be a guy is to be a guy you dont need a deep voice or a flat chest you can be a guy you can you can #who cares what your parents think youre their kid and thats all that matters #they just want you to be happy #im scared im scared im scared #scream and cry and want to die #i dont know who i am #i dont know what i want #im confused #am i trying to fight myself or fight for myself #i wish i were normal

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qasty · 4 years ago

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sudden random oversharing time: (tw gender dysphoria)

throwback to the time i was in national service and had to sleep in a bunk with 9 other guys and one of them said to me: between me (i was considered feminine) and this other “feminine” looking guy he would fuck the other guy in the event that we both wearing wigs or “were girls”....

like what do i do with this info because me and that “feminine” guy are acquaintances and we went on an overseas holiday to krabi and he and his friend emotionally cornered me and tried to single out my non-hetero sexuality through a 45 minute taxi cab ride.... like i never felt so attacked before because i thought i was vibing with them but this event made me realise that even the non-heteros can turn on you and use your own sexuality as a social weapon....

this is also tied to the fact that i wanna be closer and be friends with him but because of this event i felt so offended and SCARRED because i dont know who to trust with my identity and real self lol... also the fact i think hes pretty cool and he is definitely more good looking than me

which brings together nicely whole issue of my physical insecurity and how im insecure with how i look and to be compared to him... like i feel he has that very sought after thick eyebrows clear skin thin lips angular face racially ambiguous look thats very in trend now..

idk this is why i dont trust anyone with my ambiguous sexuality lol not even with people of the same non-hetero identity... i got triggered today because today i found out this gay guy (an acquaintance whom i opened up regarding my sexuality) and him are NEIGHBOURS fo real... lol what kind of info would they be exchanging about me because both of them have incriminating info about me.... lol

i can really write a whole ass novel about my personal struggles can i get a gofundme LOL kidding but what if........ 🤔✌🏻

#my life #tw gender dysphoria #writing is my therapy

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cheesyramynry · 7 years ago

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tag time

mel tagged me in a lot thanks bro

aye aye aye thanks to he homegirl @starlightjeongin ily so much melly and you’re an angel <333 eskgetit!!!

also,,, there are like,,,, 4 tags in this so uhhhhh have fun

Σ੧(❛□❛✿)Σ੧(❛□❛✿)Σ੧(❛□❛✿)Σ੧(❛□❛✿)

i dont have a name for this tag

1ST RULE: Tag 9 people you want to get to know better

> so um if you read this you are tagged now congrats <

2ND RULE: BOLD the statements that are true.

APPEARANCE: - I am 5'7 or taller - I wear glasses - I have at least one tattoo - I have at least one piercing - I have blonde hair - I have brown eyes - I have short hair - My abs are at least somewhat defined - I have or had braces

PERSONALITY: - I love meeting new people - People tell me I am funny - Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine - I enjoy physical challenges - I enjoy mental challenges - I am playfully rude to people I know - I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it - There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY: - I can sing well - I can play an instrument - I can do over 30 pushups without stopping - I am a fast runner - I can draw well - I have a good memory - I am good at doing maths in my head - I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute - I have beaten at least 2 people arm wrestling - I can make at least 3 recipes from scratch - I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES: - I enjoy sports - I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else - I’m in a orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else - I have learned a new song in the past week - I exercise at least once a week - I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months - I have drawn something in the past month - I enjoy writing - Fandoms are my #1 priority - I do some form of Martial arts

EXPERIENCES: - I have had my first kiss - I have had alcohol - I have scored a winning point in a sport - I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting - I have been at an overnight event - I have been in a taxi - I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year - I have beaten a video game in one day - I have visited another country - I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts

MY LIFE: - I have one person that I consider to be my Best Friend - I live close to my school/work - My parents are still together - I have at least one sibling - I live in the United States - There is snow where I live right now - I have hung out with a friend in the past month - I have a smart phone - I own at least 15 CDs - I share my room with someone

RELATIONSHIPS: - I am in a Relationship - I have a crush on a celebrity - I have a crush on someone I know - I’ve been in at least 3 relationships - I have never been in a Relationship - I have admitted my feelings to a crush - I get crushes easily - I have had a crush for over a year - I have been in a relationship for over a year - I have had feelings for a friend

RANDOM: - I have break-danced - I know a person named Jamie - I have had a teacher that has a name that is hard to pronounce - I have dyed my hair - I’m listening to a song on repeat right now - I have punched someone in the past week - I know someone who has gone to jail - I have broken a bone - I have eaten a waffle today - I know what I want to do in life - I speak at least two languages - I have made a new friend in the past year

alphabet tag

Rules: answer the questions in a new post and tag 10 blogs you would like to get to know better

> i dont know/remember enough blogs to tag im sorry <

A: age? > 15!!! <

B: birthplace? > californiaaaa <

C: current time? > 4:43 pm <

D: drink you had last? > water bc its good for you <

E: easiest person to talk to? > my irl homie @realmzenith , the most fantastic perosn i have ever met on this site and of whom my soul burns with affection for @starlightjeongin , and my rad friends in my got7 amino groupchat - selena, haru, apple, and emi :) <

F: favorite song? > oh boy i dont have a favorite favorite song bro i guess the first things i can think of is either danzon no. 2 by arturo marquez, martini blue by dpr live, and home run by got7 <

G: grossest memory? > asdf uhh when i went hiking with my pathfinder club and we went through a “long-cut” and went off the trail and we had to walk up this super long river, and then to get out of the river to land we had to walk through these riverbed plants and this gray mud stuff and i had to put on my socks and sneakers and it was disgusting <

H: hogwarts house? > i say that im a hufflepuff, lately i got placed in ravenclaw but i dont agree <

I: in love? > in love with the fact that im old enough to be a little free, in love with my kpop faves, in love with all of my friends who tell me they appreciate me, in love with the idea of being productive, in love with music and daydreaming <

J: jealous of people? > tbh i catch myself being jealous of other people’s artistic abilities, but i turn that into a need to become better/daydream about myself being that good so uhh???? yeah <

K: killed someone? > i was playing overwatch with a friend late last night and one of our comp matches there were these two dudes who played tank, one in particular imma call CTL who was rude to me and the whole team (my mic doesnt work so i couldn’t talk back but he was still a bing bond :( ), a few rounds after we left that one we got placed against the two mean tanks, and me, a mercy main with crappy aim, 1v1ed CTL who was playing mccree and i was HAPPY. we lost but binch i teabagged the heck out of his douchy body <

L: love at first sight or should i walk by again? > walk by again im staring at you either way <

M: middle name? > danielle!! <

N: number of siblings? > i have a younger sister!! <

O: one wish? > tbh to be better at what i want to be better at, like someone please give me like a stat 100 potion or something <

P: person you called last? > last person i called was my friend mikey of whom i was playing overwatch with lmao <

R: reasons to smile? > music!!! art!!! alan menken said that there will be a musical production of hercules in the future!! <

S: song you sang last? > the finale of newsies bc my sister left it playing on the tv as i ate nine (9) quesedillas

T: time you woke up? > techinally 6:30 am bc my dog was scratching my door, then 9, then 11 am <

U: underwear color? > mint blue and gray <

V: vacation destination? > i think i would love to go to the places in europe where composers lived, that or i would love to visit every place my internet friends live :D <

W: worst habit? > probably sleeping until noon, forgetting to do important responsibility things, reading a text message/email and then not responding bc i forgot about reading it

X: x-rays? > i got an x-ray on my right arm when i fractured it in kindergarten, some on my stomach when i ate like three whole mangoes with the skin on them, and some of my teeth before i got my braces <

Y: your favorite food? > thai food, stuff from panera bread, or pretty much warm foods with rice <

Z: zodiac sign? > im a virgo!!! <

✨ Fun Facts Tag ✨

Rules for this are:

Have fun with it!

Tag some of your mutuals

1) Favourite colours:

> green or purple!!! or like whatever im feeling lmao but those are my first choices <

2) Favourite song at the moment:

> asdkfjas;ldfkjsdlkfj bro i cant choose okay im going to shuffle my fav songs playlist adn put the first thing that comes up: damdadi by golden child

3) Last book you read:

> i think its my history textbook lmao finals are this week for me <

4) Last TV show you watched:

> my friend’s younger sister showed me clips from Stranger Things but i never have watch it before, i also watched a few dramas at a friend’s house but idk the names of them lmao

5) Last movie you watched:

> oh golly uhhh i think its enemies in-laws on netflix <

6) If you have a pet whats their name?:

> i have a doggo(?) named tucker <

7) If you have siblings how many?

> i have one younger sister!1! <

8) Favourite thing to do on a weekend:

> i think resting, getting up to date with my million notifications, just scrolling through the internet, or writing <

9) Best tumblr friends:

> on tumblr i have the amazing wonderful fantastic showstopping gravity-defying dabtastical @starlightjeongin aka mel aka melly aka melmel aka infant aka like the coolest and raddest person i have ever meet

10) Favourite thing about yourself:

> idk if this is hard to explain but sometimes i do things people dont expect, like i was using my friend’s neighbor’s airsoft gun and like they were surprised that i have pretty good aim and that just makes me feel really good yknow <

11) Favourite memory:

> back in april 2017, during my band’s new york tour, in our hotel when i asked my friend what she was watching (it was got7′s m/v hard carry)

12) 3 weird habits:

> i turn on all of my nightlights in a specific order, when its dark in my room i like to dance to music and watch myself in the mirror, i tend to randomly scream i think <

13) What would you call your style?:

> i like to wear large clothes, even though im like a medium small bc ahaha i have slight body dysphoria, i also like to wear button-ups from the men’s section that have weird designs, suspenders, and i guess things that make me feel aesthetic and free <

14) Odd talent:

> i can clap with one hand and me fingers bend weirdly <

15) Do you have a tumblr crush?:

> i have a big ol friend crush on my dear friend mel and a lot on the gr8 ppl of the aroha fandom <

the stray kids tag

Rules: answer the questions in a new post, and tag 10 blogs you would like to get to know better.

I’ve decided that in celebration of Stray Kids pre-debut album I needed to create a tag. The ultimate goal for The Stray Kids Tag is to learn about your Tumblr mutuals, and have fun answering the Stray Kids related questions! Here we go:

1: When did you decide to join the Stray kids fandom?

> lmao i learned about them when it was rumored that jyp was going to have a new boy group, and i followed the updates until the announcement of the webseries/release of hellevator. i didnt want more ppl to remember on my plate until december 30ish when i finally gave in to mel so here i am <

2: What is your favorite episode of Stray Kids?

> im actually going to watch it right after i finish this tag post lmao ive never watched it before but i think ive seen clips??? when the boys were vlogging themselves packing idk if thats part of the webseries but thats cute <

3: Who would you say is your bias in Stray kids?

> I DONT HAVE ONE OKAY I DONT WANT TO TRY TO FIGURE IT OUT YET IM SCARED i legit like,,, dont know a whole lot about each member but i know their names but,,,,,, i think,,,,, before i start truly getting into them myself,,,, is probably seungmin,,,,, i think,,,,,,,, maybe,,,, whoops i just remembered woojin existed uhhhHHHH idk <

4: Who would you say is your bias wrecker in Stray kids?

> (im listening to ailee’s i will go to you like the first snow rn and im so emo while doing this tag) i love all of them!!!! probs chan or changbin or jeongin bc they are so sweet!!! <

5: What line would you want to be apart of in Stray kids?

> idk the team compositions of stray kids so i will get back to you on that one until i watch the series lmao <

6: What is the first song you heard of Stray kids?

> of course hellevator lmao <

7: What is the first song you heard of 3racha?

> FRICK actually i dont know bc melly showed me vids of them performing live but i dont know what the song was :( <

8: What is your favorite song on their pre-debut album?

> legit only have listened to hellevator and grrr so um ill say grrr?? <

9: What is a concept you’d like to see Stray Kids try in the future?

> SUSPENSE!!! idk if that ‘s hard to explain but like something with a story in the background, maybe like a spy concept with a nice orchestration i think they can do it <

10: if you could meet with the members of Stray kids for one day what would you say to them?

> ahhh!!! i dont know they all too too well but i would love to tell them that i feel that they are different from any other kpop group i have ever seen, bc they all seem genuinely happy and they are like the coolest bros and their friendship with each other is something that i could only dream of!! also ive heard that their songs have rad lyrics and they work super hard so i look up to them for that!!!1!!! <

#tags #i was tagged #krys!!!

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lieutenantsayeko · 7 years ago

Text

((Answering as Mun because I feel like it))

RULES: Bold the statements that are true about you

APPEARANCE:

I am 5'7" or taller

I wear glasses ((well I’m supposed to))

I have at least one tattoo

I have at least one piercing

I have blonde hair

I have brown eyes

I have short hair

My abs are at least somewhat defined

I have or have had braces

PERSONALITY:

I love meeting new people

People tell me that I’m funny

Helping others with their problems is a big priority for me

I enjoy physical challenges

I enjoy mental challenges

I’m playfully rude with people I know well

I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it

There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY:

I can sing well ((or so I’ve been told))

I can play an instrument

I can do over 30 push ups without stopping ((can we change this to squats? I can do squats.))

I’m a fast runner

I can draw well

I have a good memory

I’m good at doing math in my head

I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute

I have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling

I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch

I know how to throw a proper punch ((Not that I’ve ever seriously punched someone))

HOBBIES:

I enjoy playing sports

I’m on/was on a sports team at my school or somewhere else

I’m in/was in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else ((Wooo! Jag Chorale! Those were fun times))

I have learned a new song in the past week

I work out at least once a week

I’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months

I have drawn something in the past month

I enjoy writing

Fandoms are my #1 passion

I do or have done martial arts

EXPERIENCES:

I have had my first kiss

I have had alcohol

I have scored the winning goal in a sports game

I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting

I have been at an overnight event

I have been in a taxi

I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year

I have beaten a video game in one day

I have visited another country

I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts

RELATIONSHIPS:

I’m in a relationship ((he’s not a real person but it counts))

I have a crush on a celebrity

I have a crush on someone I know

I have been in at least 3 relationships

I have never been in a relationship

I have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them

I get crushes easily

I have had a crush on someone for over a year

I have been in a relationship for at least a year ((last one was 4.5 years))

I have had feelings for a friend

MY LIFE:

I have at least one person I consider a “best friend”

I live close to my school

My parents are still together

I have at least one sibling

I live in the United States

There is snow right now where I live

I have hung out with a friend in the past month

I have a smartphone

I have at least 15 CDs

I share my room with someone ((considering I’m living in my mom’s living room....))

RANDOM SHIT:

I have breakdanced

I know a person named Jamie

I have had a teacher with a last name that’s hard to pronounce

I have dyed my hair ((god I miss my colorful hair, my natural hair gives me dysphoria))

I’m listening to one song on repeat right now

I have punched someone in the past week

I know someone who has gone to jail

I have broken a bone

I have eaten a waffle today

I know what I want to do with my life

I speak at least 2 languages

I have made a new friend in the past year

@titans-on-motorcycles @lildreamysoul @misa-misa-chi

#about mun #mun speaks

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cas-tellation · 8 years ago

Text

Place The Blame On Fayecastle

Dan and Phil had broken up over 6 years ago. There hadn't been anything since then. No phone call, no text, just nothing. Until now, apparently. Because now Dan was in the bookshop with fairly lights adorning the walls and Phil was standing in front of him and everything had come crashing down once again.

word count: 4,282

triggers: drinking, mentions of self harm, mentions of mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety, mentions of rape, mentions of physical abuse, slight body dysphoria

ao3 link. read pt.1 here (You can read this without reading the first part! It will still make sense dw.)

This was written for a competition ( @phanficwritingcomp )

**PLEASE READ TRIGGERS AND STAY SAFE XX**

It’s almost painful, pretending to be happy.

You paint a smile onto your face in bright pastel hues, letting the yellows and purples swirl into each other and create the smile for you. The words get stuck in your throat, like the edges of the letters are caught on something and refuse to move past your lips. Every move is shadowed with doubt, but you live with it. It becomes who you are, a plastic face to shield everyone from the monster underneath.

Dan shrugs off the black jumper and impossibly dark skinny jeans in TopMan’s changing room, staring at his gaunt reflection in the mirror for a split second before pulling on a pale pink t-shirt and white jeans. The fabric is soft, and it feels like he’s going home. He almost wishes that he has a flower crown as well, thinking that it’d set the outfit off nicely. His bare feet are cold against the tiled floor, but he ignores it. He’s almost in a trance, at this point, staring at his reflection as if it’s another person entirely.

In a way, it is another person. The pastel genderqueer person in the mirror is someone else: someone Dan left behind a long time ago.

The dulled colours don’t seem to fit how skinny he’s become. They do nothing to hide the bags under his eyes or the thin white lines speckled across his forearms.

His hair is straight, but he kind-of wants it to go natural again.

He bites his bottom lip and shakes his head, turning so that he wasn’t facing the mirror, and stripping down, pulling on the darker coloured clothes again. It felt almost like he was putting himself in a cage, wearing the masculine white collared shirt, dark jeans and black jumper.

He leaves the store, not buying anything.

Maybe it was because he simply wasn't that person anymore.

Or maybe it was because he was scared of the person that he really was.

The rain is what finally makes Dan vear across the pavement and push his way into the bookshop. The ancient looking sign in the door showing off it’s name: ‘Faycastle’.

Everything is made out of wood, a darker forest-like aesthetic revealed in the ways that ferns lined the windowsills. The bookshelves stretch to the ceiling, fairy lights dancing down the edges, illuminating the book’s titles softly. The 1975 playing in the background, barely audible over the roar of the rain smashing against the thin window panes from outside.

Dan makes his way to the back of the store, where he’d hopefully be out of eyesight from everybody else. The bookshelves are close together, filling the shop up with as many books as it could possibly hold. He flits in between them like a shadow, letting his fingertips trail over their spines, feeling the millions of stories that they held.

There are more plants at the back of the shop, but their leaves are all withered and dead, the sun's rays not being able to reach them.

Dan plucks a book of the shelf. It’s old, the cover barely hanging onto it’s spine. It feels rough under his touch, the pages edges are all frayed, some pages stained from moisture.

All of the books look to be in similar shape, give or take some years.

The one that Dan’s holding is poetry; ‘Atalanta in Calydon’.

He lifts it up to his face, breathing in deeply.

“It’s the chemical breakdown between-” A voice starts, but it abruptly cut off as Dan looks up, closing the book and pushing it back onto the bookshelf in one movement.

Phil.

Dan physically takes a step back.

Phil.

His mind is playing over every single moment that he and Phil had spent together. Every sleepy cuddle. Every drunken kiss. Every word. Every sound. He can almost feel Phil’s body against him, a cloudy memory between them in the bookshop.

“Dan?”, He hears Phil’s voice ask.

He nods, looking up to meet his eyes.

He wishes that he hadn’t. They captivate him. They’re blue and yellow and green and they light up everything around him.

He couldn’t stop thinking about the last things that he had ever said to Phil. He couldn't stop thinking about the stuttered; “I just don’t love you”, or the way that he had seen the lights in Phil’s eyes die. Or even the way that Phil had practically screamed at him; “Why?” He remembered the way that Phil had gasped out a strangled; “One for the road, then?” He remembers the kiss, wet and desperate.

“Dan?” He can hear Phil’s voice touching upon his name again.

“Phil.” Dan barely manages to murmur.

A strange look passes over Phil’s face. Dan can’t catch it in time to tell what emotion it is. Maybe it’s just Phil remembering what he and Dan used to have. Maybe it was just Phil remembering the countless ‘I love you’s, whispered through nights long ago.

“You’re…. You’re not wearing pastel clothes?”

Dan almost laughs. He hasn’t worn anything even remotely pastel for years, save the minutes spent in the changing room a few hours ago. Is that really what surprises Phil the most? The fact that he’s wearing different colour clothing?

“Um, yeah… Fuck, what’d you expect?” Dan mutters. He wants to get out of the bookshop, but he can’t just walk away.

Phil looks lost for once. He stumbles over a sentence, but can’t articulate it properly. Dan stares at him blankly. He knows that the stars that Phil used to see in his eyes are gone, he knows that this sullen, sad person is the exact opposite of everything that Phil used to be so comfortable around. He knows that he’s different and barely recognizable. But he doesn’t care.

“I um. I have to go…” Dan ends up murmuring, sidestepping past the black-haired boy and slipping easily out of the shop.

He pretends that he can’t hear Phil calling after him.

His mind is a mess. It yells at him day and night, scrambling his thoughts and pushing people away from him. Everyday is broken up into endless routine; wake up, shower, get dressed, go to work, eat, go back to his house, sleep. He wears dark masculine clothing that makes him want to rip his face off because it’s the opposite of who he is.

He goes through case after case at the law agency. Rape. Abuse. Divorce. He drinks coffee after coffee. Black tie and white button up, followed by a dark suit jacket and trousers to match. Showers so hot that they burn his skin, but he relishes it. Late nights and baggy eyes.

Painting a smile on your face, and going around like you’re not bothered.

He wants to go back to the time when he’d wear pink jumpers and flower crowns without a care. He wants to go back to the time when he could sleep the night through and wake up feeling alive. He wants to go back to the time when he’d wake up pressed against Phil’s chest.

He wants to be happy.

The next time he sees Phil, it’s late at night and Dan’s half asleep, standing in front of the lawyer’s office and trying to remember how to call a taxi. His hands are fumbling with his iPhone and tears are welling in his eyes because he couldn’t fucking do anything these days. Stress shakes his fingertips and he nearly drops his phone in a left-over puddle from last night’s rainstorm.

His eyes are blurry and he’s not completely sure if it’s from the tears or just his body shutting down after running of caffeine for days.

He curses, running a trembling hand through his hair, pushing it up into a quiff.

And then he’s there. Phil. Dan thinks that he might be hallucinating until Phil’s hand comes up and rests on the small of Dan’s back, offering him support.

“Let me help you, okay?” His tone is so soft. Too soft.

He pries Dan’s iPhone out of his hand, “You want a cab, right?”

Dan nods, barely.

Phil rubs his hand into Dan’s back a bit as he steadily dials the number, talking to the person on the other end for a second before hanging up. He fiddles with the phone for another moment and then hands it back to Dan, who shoves it into his pocket so that he doesn’t end up almost dropping it again.

“They’re coming.” He informs the shaking boy. His hand isn’t moving off of Dan’s back, but Dan doesn’t really mind it.

The cab gets there quickly enough, and Phil ushers Dan inside. Neither of them say goodbye to the other but actions speak louder than words as Phil runs a hand through Dan’s hair.

Dan feels like shit. He’s coughing and his throat is all sore and his head hurts and his mouth tastes bad. He doesn’t remember how he managed to get back to his apartment the previous night. He stays in bed. Not that he could get up even if he wanted to. He sleeps all day, waking up at 10pm and not knowing what to do with his life.

He was a lawyer. And a damn good one at that. But he wasn’t happy. He made enough to live in London and to pay for everything without a worry, but a house isn’t home and all he wants to do is go home.

He ends up calling his Mum.

They talk until there’s nothing to talk about and then they just ramble to each other. Dan promises that he’s come visit her and Dad soon. He tells her that he loves her and she says it back. She tells him to pick up therapy again because it might help. He tells her that he’ll try but he’s not promising anything.

When they finally hang up, the stars are shining and the moon lights up the street, early dawn brushing across the sky. He sends his boss a text saying that he won’t be in today because of ‘personal issues’. His boss doesn’t seem to mind. He never does.

He cleans his room and has a shower that’s not burning hot. He googles a recipe and makes chocolate chip cookies. He eats half of the cookies whilst watching American Horror Story and then orders pizza. Before he goes to bed, he calls his old therapist and books an appointment before he can back out of it.

By the time he goes back to work, nothing’s magically repaired. The days off had aided him slightly, but being behind on his work make it harder.

His boss sees how he’s acting, and asks if he wants a few more days to himself. Dan freezes. He doesn’t know if he should, but a gentle ‘you can work from home for a bit, get those cases worked out in a calmer place, alright kid?’ sends him home to his couch and T.V, typing away at his laptop between sips of tea.

He’s scrolling through the contact list on his phone, trying to find the number for a client when he sees it. The ‘Phil Lester’ contact. He knows for a fact that he never put Phil’s number into his phone. He’d deleted it after they had broken up, nearly six years and two iPhones ago.

He doesn’t text him with a simple ‘why the hell’s ur number in my iPhone?’

No. He’s not like that. They were never like that.

He doesn’t even know if it’s really Phil. It could be someone else for all he knew.

D.H; “What were you talking about chemical breakdowns?”

P.L; “What?”

D.H; “When I was in ur bookstore . u started talking about chemival breakdowns”

DH; “Chemical**”

P.L; “Oh yea u were sniffing that book.”

P.L; “Old books tend to smell good due to the chemical breakdown that occurs as they age.”

D.H; “So you go up to random ppl and start talking about breakdowns in chemicals?”

P.L; “Only cute random ppl.”

The fifty-seven year old white man was sentenced to eight years of imprisonment for raping a fourteen year old girl on her way home from school. Dan thinks that it should have been lifetime imprisonment. The young girl, now sixteen, is crying in court. Dan tries to ignore her pitiful sniffles and yells about fairness and justice.

The family thanks Dan afterwards in his office. He shakes the parents hands and offers them sad smiles then hugs the daughter, holding her for a long while, swaying back and forth.

It wasn’t fair. (life’s not fair.)

Two weeks pass, a steady stream of therapist appointments, both his own and sitting in with clients. He calls his parents alot, even goes down to Reading to visit them for a few days. His boss asks him to start working from the office again and he does so readily, throwing himself into work but still trying to keep his mental health somewhat stable. It doesn’t help, being surrounded by other people’s problems all the time.

D.H; “hey.”

P.L; “It’s 2am what are you doing awake?”

D.H; “Just thinking.”

P.L; “Good thoughts?”

D.H; “No not really.”

P.L; “Want to talk about it?”

D.H; “I’d rather not.”

P.L; “So I got a new cactus today.”

D.H; “You mean yesterday, its 2am.”

P.L; “Yea. Yesterday. New cactus.”

D.H; “...and?”

P.L; “Sorry I thought I heard a dog outside, had to go check.”

D.H; “Why would a dog be outside your flat at 2am?”

P.L; “Idk if there was a dog I would ask them but there isnt so I can’t.”

D.H; “What happened to the cactus then?”

P.L; “Oh yeah, so I put it in the shop bc I thought it’d look nice there but an old lady fell on it (??not sure how it happened??)”

D.H; “That’s your news? An old lady falling on a cactus.”

P.L; “Ikr my life is so very exciting.”

D.H; “Sounds like it.”

D.H; “Was she okay? If u need a lawyer to fite off old ladies im here.”

D.H; “I’m just gonna go and assume that she was fine.”

D.H; “Phil?”

D.H; “If u fell asleep then ur a nerd.”

He can’t stop remembering Phil’s arms around him, years ago. Telling him that everything would be okay. (It wasn’t okay.)

They’re at a coffee shop together after many days of texting. The conversation is flowing easily, as it always had. There wasn’t any small talk, just diving straight into meaningful conversation. There hadn’t been any mention of their breaking up from years ago. They danced around the topic, not touching on it. Neither of them really minded. They sipped their drinks -Dan’s a small hot chocolate and Phil’s a huge caramel macchiato- and talked about everything. (Almost everything. They didn’t talk about themselves. They didn't talk about how they felt for each other.)

P.L; “Hi.”

D.H; “Hey.”

P.L; “You busy?”

D.H; “No not really, why?”

P.L; “The stars are out and the sky is clear.”

P.L; “There’s a great view of them from the roof of Fayecastel.”

P.L; “u don’t have to come but it’d be nice.”

D.H; “give me 15mins i’ll be there.”

Phil’s ushering him up the thin steps to the roof, having already slipped between the bookshelves and tightly-packed plants in the store. The stairs creak underfoot and Dan can hear Phil ahead of him in the darkness, murmuring something about almost being there.

He pushes open the door, faint light streaming in from the light reflecting away from the moon.

Dejavu settles over them like a thin mist. They couldn’t count the number of times that they’d done this before.

But now it’s different because they’re older and Dan doesn’t wear soft clothes and his dimples don’t show anymore and Phil’s hair is shorter and he hasn’t smoked in a year.

They’re the same people but nearly everything else is different.

Dan drops to his knees then rolls onto his back, his hands resting on his stomach as he stares skywards. Phil copies his movements, inches between them that may as well be miles.

“It’s like nothing has changed at all,” Phil whispers through the darkness.

(It had changed.)

“They haven’t changed.” Dan replies, motioning a hand to the sky.

(everything changed.)

“We changed, though.” Phil’s words are barely audible, but Dan’s breath catches in his throat and Phil knows that he had heard him.

“Yeah,” Dan sighs, tilting his head to look at Phil.

“I’m sorry.” Phil’s eyes are trained on his, blue meeting brown.

“For what?” Dan knows what Phil’s trying to apologize for. The ability to read Phil’s facial expressions and thoughts flashing through his eyes had never left.

“For whatever I did to make you stop loving me?” It came out as a question.

Dan laughed drying, “You didn’t do anything.”

“I did something.” Phil murmured, turning his face back to the stars.

“No. You didn’t. It was my fault,” Dan almost wants to yell, reaching out a hand and grabbing Phil’s chin, forcing him to look at the younger boy, “It was my fault, Phil. You didn’t do anything.”

(It was Dan’s fault.)

“Then why did you stop loving me?” Phil’s voice sounds broken and dejected.

(Dan didn’t stop loving him.)

They’re laying side to side, facing each other under the stars onto of a lonely bookshop, millions upon millions of stories lay underneath them, but the only story that they were living was their own. It used to be one of happiness and love, soft colours and smoke, honey-tasting lips and gentle arms, but then it had changed into something harder, slipping under an icy surface. Words in Dan’s head has screamed at him just as his father used to. His lips were on someone else's. They were drunk and stupid and Dan was scared. He was scared of Phil and being with him. He was scared of his pastel pink clothes and his curly hair. He was scared of who he was, without even knowing who he was. Stuck in a whirlpool and then the ‘I don’t love you.’

Dan’s breathing hard. All of this was his fault. He shuffles closer to Phil, pressing their shoulders and sides together. He wants to make it right but doesn’t know how because this is Phil and Phil used to be everything he had.

But now he’s nothing.

(He’s not really nothing, but Dan doesn’t know what to think.)

It hurts being around Phil like this, pressed up against one another, staring at the stars. If Phil’s hair had been longer and Dan had been wearing pastel clothes, then they might have passed for much younger, happier versions of themselves.

“Why’d you leave?” Phil’s question is watered down, like he was trying to stop crying.

(Because Dan was scared.)

I was scared.

“I was scared.” It comes out barely a whisper, could have been easily mistaken for a sigh.

“That’s no excuse.” Phil says, his hard eyes reflecting starlight but not shining any of their own.

Dan goes silent for a long while, Phil’s words burning into his head. It wasn’t an excuse. It was the truth but Dan knows it’s not good enough. He’s not good enough. Why is he even here? Does he really think that he has any chance with Phil? After all that had happened between them? He stares at the stars, like they can give him an answer.

“Is there any chance?” Dan mumbles, not taking his eyes off the stars.

“With what?” Phil shoots back.

“With us.” Dan chokes, turning his head to watch Phil’s reaction.

Phil flinches, rolling over onto his side to properly face Dan.

“With us.” He repeats back, as if he couldn’t believe that Dan had just said that.

Dan manages a small nod, his gaze unwavering from Phil’s.

He watches Phil’s eyes because they always say more then his lips do.

(yes, yes a million times yes.)

P.L; “How are you?”

D.H; “Good. Just got back from therapy.”

D.H; “You?”

P.L; “Sleepy.”

D.H; “Then go to sleep u nerd.”

P.L; “But I haven’t talked to you all day.”

D.H; “Fair enough.”

P.L; “How was therapy anyway?”

D.H; “It was good, we worked some things out.”

P.L; “You’re happier now, aren’t you?”

D.H; “Kind-of, yeah.”

D.H; “You make me happy, too.”

P.L; “You make me happy as well.”

D.H; “I’m glad.”

Abuse. Towards a mother and her two-year-old daughter, from the ex-husband. Five years of imprisonment. They thank him. Why do they always thank him? He doesn’t think that he deserves it.

He goes back home for a few days to see his parents, then he locks himself away at the office and tries not to let the stress get to him as he goes through case after case. He drinks too much coffee, and thinks too much but he can’t stop himself from doing that.

Dan takes Phil out on a date. A proper one, in a restaurant and everything. He trades his black jacket in for a pink button-up, but changes his mind minutes before leaving his flat, ending up with dark coloured clothes and a shy smile plastered across his face.

Phil complements Dan on how he looks and Dan does the same right back. They talk as they eat, quietly, as if they didn’t want the rest of the restaurant listening in. Dan tells him about how much he hated law school and in turn Phil explains to him why he’s running a bookshop of all things.

(There was a chance. This was their chance.)

Phil drops Dan off at home afterwards, stopping at Dan’s doorstep and turning to face him. Dan’s cheeks are tinted pink and the soft hits of dimples poke through. His hair is slightly curly, his eyes staring fixedly at the floor.

Phil hooks two fingers under Dan’s chin, tilting his head up in order to meet his eyes evenly.

Neither of them speak but that’s okay because they’d never really needed to talk in order to understand the other.

Phil is the one that leans forwards, towards the slightly shorter boy.

Their breaths are mixing together and Dan’s lips are parting of their own accord. Phil’s hands slip forwards to rest on Dan’s hips, and Dan’s hands are reaching up to grip Phil’s face between them, his eyes fluttering shut as he pushed himself up onto the tips of his toes, making him level with Phil.

Their noses bump together and Phil lets out a breathy giggle, his hands expertly pulling Dan closer. He tilts his head, his stomach flipping over a million times.

Then Phil’s lips are on his and all Dan can think about is Phil.

(It used to be like this all the time, Dan’s mind being wiped whenever he was graced with Phil’s touch.)

He’s transported back to a time when he would wear pastel clothes and smile all the time.

He’s transported back to who he used to be. (To whom he wished he still was)

Phil’s hands are tugging lightly on his hair and his teeth are biting at Dan’s bottom lip, pulling it away and then letting it ping back into place.

He tastes the same, like starlight dancing on the waves of an ocean.

The heat makes way for gentle pecks, against his mouth, his chin, his cheeks, just above his eye, near the shell of his ear.

Dan lets his hands fall down to his waist and leans forewards until his whole body is resting against Phil, his head pressed against Phil’s shoulder.

Phil’s holding him up.

Strong.

Soft.

Gentle.

Neither of them ever want to move.

(The stars are watching them from above, smiling within themselves at the re-joining constellation below them)

P.L; “My mom’s asking me if I have a boyfriend.”

P.L; “What should I say?”

D.H; “idk.”

P.L; “Have you thought about possibly dating me again?”

D.H; “Yeah.”

P.L; “And…?”

D.H; “I don’t want us to end like we did last time.”

D.H; “I don’t ever want that to happen to me again.”

P.L; “Are you willing to give it a shot?”

P.L; “Dan? It’s been 10 minutes u ok?”

D.H; “Tell her that yes, you’ve got a boyfriend.”

Dan goes to Urban Outfitters the day before Phil gets back from visiting his parents. His hair is curly and the acrylic paints that make up his face are designing themselves into a soft smile, without any prompting. It’s not a painful smile. It’s not a smile to try and hide anything.

He gets some pastel clothes, loving the way that it feels soft against his skin.

He digs up an old flower crown when he gets home and places it on the top of his head, letting the dulling colours mix with the vivid brown of his wavy hair.

He looks at himself in the mirror, running his hands down his arms where the short-sleeved lavender shirt didn’t reach. The pale scars that littered his forearms didn’t itch. They didn’t feel ugly anymore.

He shoves his hands into his pockets, staring at his reflection.

The person that looks back at him is full of hope.

That person is wearing light-coloured clothes and a pale blush is covering their cheeks and the hint of a smile is poking through.

It’s not painful, being happy.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #danandphil #phanangst #phanfluff #myfics #danisnotonfire #amazingphil #dan and phil #fanfic #fanfiction #writing

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