#phanfluff

[phanfictioncatalogue]

The Ultimate Soulmates AU Binge Masterlist

below the cut is 50 soulmate aus for your bingeing pleasure

6:30 Special - dansphlevels

Summary: In a world where you and your soulmate both have constellations of dark blue freckles that glow when you’re together, Dan has been waiting for his whole life for it to finally glow. And when it does, he is stood face to face with a man Phil, who looks back in confusion, his own constellation unlit.

4A - imnotinclinedtomaturity

Summary: Most people’s soulmate tattoos are fairly short – “excuse me” or “nice to meet you” were common phrases. Most people just don’t say that much in one breath to a complete stranger. Most people, however, are not Phil’s soulmate. Thus, while everyone else has pretty, dainty phrases on their forearms, Phil has an entire paragraph crammed between his elbow and his hand in teeny tiny print.

A Match a Day Since 1965 - nebulous-frog

Summary: Phil works at a diner with a sign that says “Matching soulmates daily since 1965” and he never really understood it until one day, he did.

Everyone has a soulmate and you know you’ve met them when you injure yourself in front of them. Marks show where and how badly you will be injured.

An Arrowhead in the Right Place - chocolatesaucelester

Summary:  At birth everyone is given a half to a special necklace that your soulmate has the other half to. As you get closer to your soulmate the necklace gets warmer. Phil has yet to find his soulmate and is afraid he’s going to miss his chance, just like the first time the necklace got warm.

And So They Did - phanfluffs

Summary: soulmate au where the first thing your soulmate says is tattooed on your arm, however, both Dan and Phil’s tattoos are in a foreign language that they don’t understand (as in they don’t speak the same language).

Bacon McDouble with a Pepsi - pinky-dan

Summary: In a world in which the first words your soulmate says to you are inscribed upon your wrist, Dan finds a mcdonald’s order on his arm.

Blue - melancholymango

Summary: au where everything is black and white until you kiss your soulmate.

Bringing You Home - rephil

Summary: Soulmate AU where you can summon your soulmate once.

But It Takes Someone To Come Around To Show You How (ao3) - Cutaehyung

Summary: Dan is born mute into a world where once in everyone’s life your soulmate will say the specific words that are tattooed onto your body, and bring you together. These words will save your life in more ways than imaginable. Whilst Dan resigns himself to the fact he will never have a soulmate, fate has different ideas…

Daniella Jane - philingdan

Summary: Phil almost finds his soulmate and then he does.

Déjà Vu (ao3) - xawesometrio

Summary: Daniel Howell was born with the curse of immortality and the only way to break that curse is to meet his soulmate twice and fall in love twice. He has already met Philip once and now he must wait for the chance to find him again.

Dumbledore’s Fault - fiction-phan

Summary: The very first words your soulmate ever says to you are tattooed somewhere on your body since the day you are born and no one could really understand why Dan got stuck with ‘Man I can’t believe Dumbledore died’. For years he worried about the fate of whoever Dumbledore is, until he actually started reading the Harry Potter books. After that, all he wanted was to actually meet his soulmate so he could give him a piece of his mind over having ruined his favourite franchise.

Embodiment - intricately-woven

Summary: AU where everyone has the same birthday as their soulmate and at midnight on their twenty first birthday they swap bodies with their soulmate and everybody runs around trying to find each other.

Emergency Rooms and Bruises - auroraphilealis

Summary: Shared bruises AU. Phil wakes up with the realization that his soul mate is being abused, but doesn’t know how to help him. (TW: Abuse)

Fated Flowers - huphilpuffs

Summary: Soulmate AU where, every time your soulmate realizes new feelings for you, you get a rose. One random day in 2014, Dan wakes up with a red rose on his bedside table.

First Words - phan-dil-lions

Summary: Everyone is born with the first words their soulmates are ever going to say to them etched across their skin; Phil hates his. But when he meets his soulmate everything turns out a little different than he expected.

Follow Your Arrow Where Ever It Points (ao3) - meggie_megs

Summary: Soulmate AU where an arrow on your wrist points to your soulmate.

For the Love of Elsa - nebulous-frog

Summary: Soulmates AU where the first words your soulmate says to you are on your arm. Phil works in a toy store and Dan comes in four days before Christmas when they bump into each other.

If You Love Me, Never Let Me Go (ao3) - implicit_despair, TheBruhTheGenieAndTheYam, universal_colors

Summary: Your soulmate’s name appears on your arm when you hear their voice, what happens if that voice is coming through your stereo?

In Dreams (You Will Lose Your Heartache) (ao3) - surfeitquill

Summary: Prompt: Soulmate AU where soulmates can appear in your dreams, but Dan’s too shy to say hello until Phil has a nightmare. (Or several nightmares, and after a few Dan finally builds up the courage to help out.)

Isn’t He Pretty? Isn’t He Insane? - daeguk

Summary: in a world where a person’s soulmate has an identical birthmark, police intern phil lester is completely alone; that is, until he starts receiving cruel gifts from a psychotic serial killer. seeking out the comfort of a boy on the phone, dan howell, while desperately trying to figure out the killer’s messages, time is running out by each fractured second.

Just Dropping In - nebulous-frog

Summary: Soulmate AU where the first thing your soulmate says to you is tattooed on you from when you were born. Dan’s could say some kind of scream/growl and Phil’s something along the lines of “jesus on a fucking bicycle” (spooky week) because they first meet in a haunted house that phil is a character/working in.

Let Loose Your Glow (ao3) - awrfhi

Summary: in a world where your eye colour matches your soulmate’s hair colour, phil decides to dye his hair black.

Let Me Feel Your Heartbeat - velarisstars

Summary: (Soulmate AU) A year after the death of his parents, Dan finds that the only reason he’s able to get up in the mornings is because of the ring on his finger - the one that beats to the rhythm of his soulmate’s heart. Soon enough, Dan finds another reason to wake up in the mornings. And he supposes that’s due to a kind stranger who keeps invading his thoughts.

Let the Plants Bloom and the Stars Shine (ao3) - Star4545

Summary: Dan is innocent. Sure he knows the facts but never kissed or felt anything with anyone. Phil is not so innocent. He will go up to people, talk to them, and kiss them, trying to find the spark he will feel when he finds the one.

Make Me Happy - velarisstars

Summary: Your soulmate is your opposite. For every happy, there is a sad. Phil can’t wait to meet his counterpart. He wants to make them the happiest person on the planet. But his soulmate is having a bit of trouble coming to terms with that.

meant for me (ao3) - graydar

Summary: Dan doesn’t believe in soulmates. Phil believes in everything. Dan is scared of everything. Phil is scared of Dan.

Of Souls and Art - crystaiskiess

Summary: Soulmates are connected through what they write on their hands, and Phil’s soulmate does more than just write; they draw the most beautiful things Phil’s ever seen. He is the only person with a soulmate that he knows, so how will he find his one and only?

One Second Closer - goldenrose95

Summary: Soulmate AU where you’re born with a timer on your wrist that counts down to the moment you meet your soulmate. Except there’s one other case when the numbers reach zero, and Phil doesn’t find out until he’s too late. Almost.

Phil Lester And The Boy Who Spoiled (ao3) - LauraLittleMiss

Summary: “Man, I can’t believe Dumbledore dies.” Soulmates au where the first words that your soulmate says to you are written on your wrist.

Quixotic (ao3) - thewayulook2night (orphan_account)

Summary: Phil was always told his soulmate would be a beautiful girl with shiny hair and a good sense of humour. It’s not, his soulmate is Dan Howell, who’s got too many walls that Phil’s determined to break down, falling in love with him just happens in the process.

Share A Coke - nebulous-frog

Summary: Dan and Phil wouldn’t necessarily go so far as to say that Coca-Cola brought them together, but they couldn’t deny the significant part it played in their first meeting…

Singing Songs That Nobody Wrote (ao3) - Star4545

Summary: If you have a soulmate, their favorite lyric gets tattooed on your body. Phil is a singer, and his favorite lyrics are his own. Dan loves the lyrics.

slutty, slutty soulmates (ao3) - sierraadeux

Summary: Easy, not stupid. And maybe Dan does have some standards. Not like he’s thinking about settling for anything while he looks the guy up and down, so many of his boxes ticked it’s honestly a little overwhelming. or soulmates and where not to find them

Snokoplasm (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary:  Soulmates AU where the first words you hear from your soulmate are somewhere on your body.

Somebody’s Watching Me (ao3) - Nefertiti1052 (Succubusphan)

Summary: Dan is non too happy about waking up in heaven. Being informed that he will have to wait for his soulmate for decades because he managed to die before it was time, he decides to pay his man a visit. Shenanigans ensue.

Someday - philsdrill

Summary: “Everyone had a link with their soulmates, some could hear some of their partners thoughts, some had a tattoo that would appear with their partners name; for me, I knew when they got sick.” For a while Phil has thought that his soulmate might have an eating disorder and doesn’t expect to meet him in the restaurant where he works.

Someone in the Crowd (ao3) - Cloechecksmyflow

Summary: When Phil went out with his family for his mother’s birthday, the last thing he expected was to receive a surprise himself.

Soulfinders (ao3) - JulienneJc

Summary: In an Alternate Universe when we where born, we have a clock implanted on our wrist, counting down to the day we meet our soulmate.

Swapped - doomedhowell

Summary: Soulmates AU where you switch places with your soulmate on your eighteenth birthday and you switch back once you meet each other.

Tangled Up In Blue (Hair) - sleepyverstappens

Summary: If you dye your hair, your soulmate’s hair color changes as well and you swear the moment you see your soulmate you will choke them because you just woke up with your hair colored like a rainbow and it’s your first job interview at a prestigious company what the fuck.

(Didn’t do rainbow hair though, just blue.)

The Way it’s Supposed to Be - crescendohowell

Summary: Soulmate AU where the name of your soulmate is written on your wrist from birth.  Phil’s has always said Danielle Howell, but one day that changes.

Three Strikes, You’re Out (ao3) - DarkEyedDreamer

Summary: Dan doesn’t believe in love. Never did. Love was a gamble and he didn’t want to be left with nothing but a scar. When he met his college roommate, Phil Lester, things change. Phil Lester, the boy with two marks against him. The one who falls fast and hard. The one who Dan is sure this new tally mark is for… (AU where whenever you fall in love you get a tally mark on your wrist)

Together, We Will Rule - doomedhowell

Summary: Phil is the prince and soon to be future king, and hasn’t found his soulmate yet. Everybody in the kingdom is on edge waiting to know who will be the future princess. But, plot twist, his soulmate happens to be Dan (aka a boy, and not a princess), and everybody is shocked because being gay isn’t accepted with most people in the kingdom. But, it’s not Phil’s fault his soulmate turned out to be a boy, so things have to change whether the kingdom likes it or not. He and everyone else in the kingdom have to get used to this new idea of there being two kings rather than a king and a queen.

When the Clock Strikes Twelve (ao3) - Willow_Angel

Summary: Phan AU. Dan is embarrassed by the time on his tattoo until he meets a handsome stranger at a party for the prince.

When The Day Met The Night - darling-phil

Summary: Soulmate!AU where people only ever experience either the daytime or the night until they meet their soulmate and experience the entire cycle for the first time. Dan feels trapped by the perpetual darkness of the night sky until he meets a boy sitting under a tree.

When We First Met - botanistlester

Summary: Soulmate au where if you draw on yourself, it shows up on your soulmate’s skin.

Where - cactuslester

Summary: Everyone is born with a tattoo of where they will meet their soulmate. Phil Lester was born with “library” inscribed on his right shoulder blade.

You’re My Sole Rival - jilliancares

Summary: In which you wear your soulmate’s name on one wrist and your enemy’s on the other, but Dan has the same name on both.

Zero - phanlight

Summary: Digits counting down to meet your soulmate.

[lillianwrites]

Sad Hearts And Black Eyes (chapter 5)

Dan walked into the hotel room, he was so confused and honestly a bit angry. He could put it off to being sleep deprived, could put it off to being a teenager with hormones that make him moody, but honestly he was tired of being played and then pushed away like he was still a kid. Phil needed to decide what he wanted from Daniel, all he wanted was a clear answer, a simple explanation as to why he was being treated this way.

Looking at it however, not even Daniel knew what he wanted. Did he really want to be in a relationship with a man like Phil, someone who traveled and killed monsters? Did Daniel want to put his entire life at risk for a simple man, someone who couldn't even properly take care of him, someone who didn't make proper money, nor have a proper job. He couldn't properly protect him, but honestly he could protect Daniel more than anyone, knew things others don't, things other men couldn't protect Daniel from, especially if whatever killed his dad or anything at all what gonna come after him.  

Was Phil someone Daniel even wanted to be interested in? He was the kinda man his father would say run away from. someone so full of sin God couldn't even turn his head to look at him, his name having a permanent place on the list of Hell.  And wait just one second, why was Daniel even considering this, Phil wasn't interested in him, and he wasn't interested in Phil. That was final enough for Dan. He didn't need a relationship, his father had just died, not that Phil could even give him a proper relationship.

He had thought about his father as little as possible, trying to mask his feelings of sadness underneath everything, making himself busy with Phil and the new journey ahead of him so he wouldn't have to worry about how it would be when he had to stop and actually think.

Why had his life had to change so much, why had his father had to die, and why did this happen to him specifically. How cruel was it that a god who claimed to love him so much would make him suffer through this.

Daniel felt his mood drop, he felt his lip tremble, and he felt water stinging his eyes. His father had been a good man, he truly was, or at least that's what Daniel had believed. Things like this just happened to Daniel, there had been a time when he had believed it was because he way gay. Where he had believed everything has happened to him because God was punishing him, and sometimes his father had even agreed with him.

Quickly wiping his cheek he put his bags on the bed. He heard footsteps behind him and he turned around to find Phil staring at him, curiosity in his eyes.

“You okay?” he asked, clearly hesitant, he wasn't one for emotions something he didn't need to tell Dan for him to understand.

All Dan could do was nod, he wasn't going to to cry to Phil, he wasn't going to do this. He was eighteen, he could handle this, after all, clearly his father hadn't been all that amazing so why was he so upset? He could see the doubt in Phil’s eyes, so all that he could do was turn his back to the man, as his shoulders hunched. He could feel his breathing become heavier, his eyes were watering again, tears racing down his cheeks.

Maybe it was the fact he was crying, maybe Phil Lester actually did have a heart, because soon enough he felt arms wrap around him, turning him around and hugging him. Dan could only sob harder as Phil squeezed him. Dan let himself bury his face into Phil’s jacket. Daniel just didn't know how to stop crying, why had this happened to him, why did Phil even have to come to the town, his father should be alive, his mother should be alive, he should be straight and in college right now, becoming the lawyer his father wanted him to be. Instead here he was in the arms of a man he could no longer deny the fact he was attracted to.

Eventually the crying had to stop, and Dan was content with just being held, breathing in the scent of Phil and letting himself sniffle and let everything out and go. Maybe he wasn't healed, maybe this was the first of many breakdowns, but this was a start, and he knew he could do this.

Soon enough he felt the arms start to pull from his body, and as pathetic as it sounds, he let a small whine slip out. He wondered why Phil had to let go so soon, which in turn made him wonder why he even ared, why did he convince himself he wasn't attracted to Phil, only to turn around and prove the facts to his own face?

Phil let out a chuckle, and Dan was only upset when he couldn't feel the vibrations against him like he could have a moment ago. Phil was face to face with Daniel now, and even though Dan hated this fact, he couldn't help notice how amazing those eyes were, close to his own. He hated this stupid cheesy feeling he got near this man, how was it fair someone could jump into your life so suddenly and make him feel something, even knowing he'd never have a chance, even if Phil was gay, clearly he wasn't interested, showing the way he was able to stop making out with him so easily, push him away and then joke about it. Clearly Daniel just wasn't Phil’s type, if Phil even had a type.

He watched the way Phil’s head fell into a tilt, and Dan wanted to die with how cute he looked. How could a single human being make him feel like this? He felt his head tilt, and the sigh that fell from Phil’s lips made him want everything so much more, so much that he almost forgot what he knew would happen if he kissed Phil right here in this present time. He would enjoy himself before Phil ultimately left him crying like the last time. Phil Lester just wasn't one to be held down and Dan knew he couldn't put himself in that position again.

“So what's the worst thing you've ever hunted?”he asked, looking down at Phil's lips for only a millisecond before he was back to staring into those blue eyes, blue eyes that were crinkled at the edges form the smile he was giving Daniel. Dan might be ashamed to admit he felt his stomach swoop from that one smile.

“Hmmm let me think.” Phil said, glancing down before saying “Probably this nest of vampires in Portali, killed over fifteen of the teenage girls in the town, and then kept their bodies. Only way i knew it was vampires is because of the fact that one girl survived. Freaked out she told the police but of course they said she was just scared and couldn't think straight. There were at least seven of those freaks just preying on the girls. It was awful.” He finished.

Daniel shivered at the thought. So many lives lost, yet this man in front of him saved so many people, even though he didn't understand Phil, he was extremely grateful he did what he did, saving people from things cops couldn't ever dream of. He was grateful that he had even saved him from what he had never believed had existed.

“Wait, do all of the families know what you do? He asked, curiously tilting his head. Phil chuckled, he seemed to find it hilarious Daniel was interested in this kind of thing, but i mean what did he expect when this was his life for now? The only thing he could do was deal with this, it was his only choice, he wanted to know about the supernatural elements and how you deal with them. Was there a god? Apparently since castiel existed, if so, did Lucifer also exist? The questions just kept popping up.

“Most families don't know anything unless they see the creatures themselves, which i try to prevent. I don't trust people not to go about trying to do what us hunters do without proper training.” Phil said, he looked away for a second, before finding “Not knowing has really messed a lot of people up, I've watched couples together twenty years divorce because of it, but it's better separated then dead i guess. It just makes you feel bad, but that's what life is. Other hunters think its funny, call them a bunch of pussy’s, but I've watched mothers hold their own kids as they die, hell i know a woman named Jody whose son came back from the dead, poor woman couldn't handle anything cause she loved him so much, but that thing ate her husband, so in the end she lost the most two important dudes in her life. Sam and Dean took care of that one, i was helping others. You haven't seen hurt until you've watched these things. Ain't nobody at fault for crying over what I’ve seen.”

Dan was in awe, staring at Phil for a moment, before he asked “Is she okay?”

Phil stayed silent for a minute, before he nodded. “She's good now, helps us out every once in awhile. She's a real great woman, i just wish we all could have helped more than we did. She should have never seen that. This job destroys people, but more people are gonna hurt if we ignore it and go about our merry ways.” he said.

“Couldn't they just, I don't know leave? Quit?” Daniel asked, kind of shocked at the angry look Phil gave him.

“You think they, or should i say we haven't tried? Things out there have fucking brains, and they will hunt you if you stop hunting them. Many friends of mine have been killed because they wanted a family, settled down, had a kid or two, and the one day wakes up dead, wife’s freaking out, kids crying and she's calling me because she doesn't understand.You can't leave this job, it's dangerous to be in it, worse if you get out. At Least hunting you have the equipment, stay in practice to know when somethings up.” He said. Dan could tell his breathing had gotten a bit heavier, so before it could escalate into a fight over Dan’s lack of knowledge in the supernatural department he placed his hand on Phil’s lightly. “I'm sorry about your friends.” he said sincerely.

Maybe it wasn't a lot, but Phil nodded, his expression softening. On the desk, Phil’s phone rang, causing them both to jump. Phil groaned and got up, answering it and saying “Yes, ma’am” a few times, before he placed the phone down and grabbed his jacket.

“Just got a call from the police department. They have a new body so i’m gonna go ahead and go ahead and get up there, try and exam and stuff. Will you be okay?” He asked.

Dan nodded his head, and Phil was out of the door, leading Daniel alone once again, but he needed to do his job so Dan had to be okay with it. He decided to take a nap since he had nothing else to do, so he turned on the Tv for background noise and laid down in the bed, his eyes closing slowly.

[philsdrill]

The Smell of Comfort

Summary: Phil gets a bad headache, then Dan helps lead him to the comfort he needs to feel better.

Warnings: pain, nausea

Word Count: 974

A/N: I have a little 2/3 part series that I’ve been working on recently, but I needed a little break from that so here’s a little cute fluff I wrote this afternoon. Hopefully I’ll finish my little series soon and then I can post it.

Phil had been sitting on the sofa for a while now, feeling quite sorry for himself. He had turned the TV off a long time ago, finding its bright display was making his eyes feel tired and his head pound with a gradually intensifying ache. The room was quiet now, which was a relief.

Dan was downstairs somewhere, probably on his laptop in the dark. That thought made Phil scrunch up his eyes for a moment; even imagining the brightness of Dan’s laptop in a dark room made his head hurt even more. After a moment, Phil slowly opened his eyes, but now it seemed that even the brightness of their lounge was too much.

For a second, Phil considered getting up to turn the light off, but the idea of standing made his stomach turn, a slight nausea that told him he wouldn’t be getting up anytime soon, not without help.

Phil shut his eyes again and grabbed a blanket that Dan had left on the sofa, draping it over himself to block out more light. Despite two layers covering his eyes, the pounding headache remained, the feeling that someone was squeezing his temples, that his brain was going to explode out of his head. The blanket helped with making it darker, but it also smelt like Dan, which calmed him a little.

Phil lay down on the sofa, hoping that by some miracle, being horizontal might be the cure. As he lay there, full of pain and misery, he started to drift in and out of consciousness. Maybe he could sleep; maybe that would fix it.

Phil fell into a fitful sleep, being asleep for a short spell, then waking up because his head still hurt. It became a vicious cycle: falling asleep, hoping for a little relief, then waking up to find that relief hadn’t come.

“Phil?” a voice interrupted his sleep, speaking softly.

“Mmmph?” Phil replied, groaning, but managing to make it sound like a question.

“Are you okay?” Dan asked, the sofa cushion by Phil’s feet moving under Dan’s weight as he sat down.

“Headache,” Phil mumbled, finding that even talking was making it worse.

Phil felt Dan shuffle up the sofa a little, then peel back the blanket from over his face. Phil groaned as the light hit his eyelids, moving his hands to cover his eyes.

“Okay, I’ll turn the lights off,” Dan said softly, getting up, padding across the room and clicking a couple of switches.

“Lights are off,” Dan said, his voice still hurting Phil’s head from across the room, “I’ll be back; I’m going to get you some paracetamol.”

Phil heard Dan’s footsteps disappear down the stairs, then a minute later, they came back up. Dan’s footsteps moved away, probably towards their upstairs kitchen area. Phil’s thoughts were confirmed when he heard a cupboard shut, then the tap running.

“Phil,” Dan said, as he made his way across the room towards him, “If you could sit up to take your tablets?”

Phil groaned, then with a bit of effort, managed to push himself up into a sitting position, feeling his stomach turn and his head pound a little more. Dan sat down on the sofa next to Phil, handing him two paracetamol for one hand, and a mug of water for the other. Phil swallowed the tablets, swiftly following them with a big glug of water.

Phil tried to hand the mug of water back to Dan, but was met with a chuckle and Dan pushing the water back into his hand, “Drink the rest, Phil. You need it.”

A little miserably, Phil lifted the mug of water back to his lips, and slowly sipped on it. Meanwhile, Dan moved a hand to rest on Phil’s back, sensing he needed a little comfort. Dan kept quiet, knowing that in this state, Phil wouldn’t appreciate even his quietest voice.

They sat in a dark silence for nearly twenty minutes, Dan hoping that would be long enough for the painkillers to kick in. Phil had leaned into Dan’s side, using Dan’s shoulder as a place to rest his aching head.

When the paracetamol had knocked the edge off of Phil’s headache, Dan gave him a bit of help to get downstairs to bed. With every step, Phil felt a little bit worse, so having Dan’s arms around his waist was a comfort, something to stop him collapsing on the stairs.

At the bottom of the stairs, they turned into the bedroom and Dan let Phil sink into their bed. Phil barely had the energy to reach for the duvet, so Dan reached down and pulled it up to Phil’s shoulders, letting him take it the rest of the way. Phil pulled the duvet up a bit further, bunching it up at the top and nuzzling his face into it. There was something about the smell of your duvet which was just so comforting. It wouldn’t magically make him feel better, but it was warm and comfortable and smelled just right, which was exactly what he needed.

The bed sunk slightly as Dan climbed on at the other side, then settled himself next to Phil.

“Try and get some sleep baby,” Dan murmured softly, running his hand over Phil’s duvet-shrouded side “I’ve got ibuprofen and more water here, so if you need them, just say, okay. I’m not going anywhere.”

Dan, after a moment’s decision, laid down next to Phil, curling his body around him. If he wasn’t going to leave Phil, he might as well cuddle with him.

Phil let out a sigh as Dan snuggled up behind him. His head still hurt a bit, but he felt he could sleep now. Their bed was warm and soft; it smelled of sleep and comfort, and Dan was here to look after him. He would be okay.

more of my fics here

[amazingdanielhowell]

We Should Be Friends

Based on this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OZeqcX1VyQ

Tw: alcohol/drunk phan for one scene

The moment the bell rang, Dan pushed himself out of his desk chair and zigzagged around the hoards of students beginning to crowd the hallway. The sound of lockers opening and closing made him move faster, squeezing through any available space he could find to get to his locker. He had to get there so he could ‘accidently bump into’ the new kid again. Despite school being in session for a handful of weeks now, Dan had only met the boy yesterday when he got to his locker and dropped a stack of papers he was holding. While most people pretended not to see so they wouldn’t have to help, the new kid bent down on his knees and helped Dan gather his notes.

“Oh, you don’t have to—,” Dan began, bringing his head up and meeting the most beautiful colored eyes he’d ever seen.

“No worries, it’s not a problem,” New Guy replied pushing himself off the floor. “Cool locker.”

Dan turned and looked at his locker door where he had hung a MCR poster he got from a magazine and the little white board his mum insisted he put on his locker so friends could leave notes which was as clean as the day she bought it.

“Yeah?” Dan replied, though it sounded more like a question.

“Yeah.”

New Guy smiled at Dan one more time before heading down the hallway. He didn’t mean to, but Dan watched New Guy, noticing that his locker wasn’t too far from his, but far enough that it would be weird for him to go down that way when the front entrance was in the opposite direction. Dan knew the only casual way he could talk to the him again would be to get to his locker before Hazel Valley’s newest student walked past. Nearly out of breath, Dan arrived at his locker and opened it, pretending to look busy while taking quick glances through a sea of students for a head of black hair.

“Hey!” Dan said too excitedly upon finding who he was looking for.

“Oh, hi,” the boy giggled.

“I—um, remember yesterday when my papers fell? I don’t think I said thank you,” Dan forced out trying his best to act natural. “So, thanks. For that.”

“You’re welcome,” the new kid smiled making Dan’s heart skip a beat. “I don’t think I introduced myself yesterday. I’m Phil.”

“I’m Dan,” he paused for a moment. “How are you liking HV?”

“It’s definitely bigger than my old school, but I’m getting used to it. I’m having more trouble figuring out what people do over the weekends here,” Phil admitted with a small laugh. “My parents keep pushing me to go out and do something but I have no idea where anything is.”

“I usually just stay at home and play video games, but every once in a while, someone will throw a party with insane amounts of alcohol which is always fun. I’m terrible to drink with in public though,” Dan laughed recalling a moment from the party right before school began where he woke up snuggling with a bottle of Malibu Rum in the middle of the host’s backyard.

“Well that’s definitely something I won’t be telling my parents I’ll be doing. If I ever get invited to a party I mean. Being the new kid in secondary school really sucks. Everyone already has their group of friends and aren’t really looking to make new ones.”

“I definitely can relate. Most of my friends from primary school didn’t come here so I had to figure something out. I know some people that are pretty great, but I kind of consider them acquaintances.”

“I wish making friends now was as easy as it was back in pre-school. You just tell a total stranger that they’re your friend and that’s it,” Phil half smiled. “Anyways, it was really nice talking to you, Dan. I hope I see you around.”

Dan smiled feeling his stomach churn. He found that talking to Phil was easy, so why can’t it be like pre-school? He knew he had to say something, but couldn’t find the right words, so instead he said, “I hope so too,” and watched Phil walk away towards his own locker.

Dan threw some books in his bag and threw it over his shoulder getting ready to leave when an idea popped into his head. He grabbed a pen from his pocket, sucked in a deep breath, and walked halfway down the hall to Phil’s locker before his brain could talk him out of it.

“Let’s make it like pre-school. I don’t know you, but I would love to meet you. I think that we should be friends,” Dan said quickly, grabbing Phil’s hand and scribbled his cell phone number on his skin.

Phil looked from his hand to Dan, his face breaking into a huge smile.

***

It had been a few months since that day; snow had fallen and covered the grass in a thick blanket of white only to be trampled by hundreds of boots from students running out, excited to begin winter break. People threw snow balls at each other as they exited the building while others looked absolutely miserable bundled up in layers of coats, hats, and scarves.

“Want to come over?” Phil asked Dan as they walked out of school together.

“Sure, just let me drop my stuff off at home.”

Since that first day, both boys had walked with each other to and from school after finding out Phil only lived a few blocks away from Dan. While they didn’t share classes, they made up for lost time during the day on their walks home which usually turned into Phil coming inside Dan’s house ‘just for a drink of water’ but somehow ended up in hours spent playing video games.

“Oh, mum and dad are leaving today to pick up my brother from uni so they won’t be back until Sunday. She demanded that I get proof from your mum that it’s okay you’re over without parental supervision,” Phil giggled, his cheeks turning red. “She’s weird about leaving her baby home alone for a few days so if you want to spend a couple nights, she would love you forever.”

Dan laughed knowing his mum wouldn’t mind him staying at Phil’s at all. In fact, all he would have to do is tell her he’d be spending a few nights there and call once or twice to let her know he’s still alive and she would be okay with that. Still, Dan promised to get it in writing for Mrs. Lester so that would be one less thing she would have to worry about.

After dropping his things off, getting his mum’s note, and packing an overnight bag, Dan and Phil made their way back to Phil’s house. Phil rang his mum and read Mrs. Howell’s note of approval and promised to stay out of trouble until they came back.

“Mum says thanks for spending the night with me,” Phil reported after hanging up the phone. “I swear, she treats me like I’m 6 sometimes.”

“All mums are like that,” Dan replied. “I’m sure mine would do the same to my brother if I were away at school. Perks of being the oldest.”

Phil rolled his eyes playfully at Dan trying to mask his face into one of disgust, though his smile gave him away. Making his way to the fridge, Phil moved some bottles around before pulling out a bottle of vodka and two shot glasses.

“Wanna play drunk Mario Kart?”

“Where did you get that?!” Dan asked in disbelief. “I never took you for a vodka drinker.”

“I asked Martyn to buy me something strong before he went back to school in the fall. Mum and dad think the bottle is his, and all it took was a month of chores, plus the cost of the bottle,” Phil smiled triumphantly. “We’re on break and that calls for celebration!”

“But vodka?” Dan asked, scrunching up his nose. “Why not rum? Or at least a flavored vodka?”

“Yeah, not my first choice either, but it has a high alcohol content so we’ll be feeling great after a few shots.”

“Fine, I’ll do shots with you, but I’m grabbing orange juice for a chaser.”

Grabbing the bottle of orange juice, both boys hopped up the stairs into Phil’s room. Despite knowing no one else was home, Dan still closed the door behind them.

*

“You’re fugging terrible at this,” Phil slurred 6 shots in.

“Shuddup,” Dan giggled crashing into a wall. “I’m still waaay better than you.”

“Nuh uh.”

“Yeah huh.”

“You’re dumb,” Phil laughed pushing Dan over who just fell to the floor and lay there rather than getting up.

“The room is spinning. Lay here with me, look.”

Phil plopped down on his back next to Dan and closed his eyes taking in Dan’s familiar scent mixed with alcohol.

“Boop, wake up,” Dan said in a high pitched voice poking Phil’s nose.

“I’m gonna bite your finger off,” Phil playfully threatened opening his eyes just enough to see Dan’s.

“Noooo you’re not cause it’s not a worm,” Dan burst out laughing. “Like when you were 8.”

“That was one time! Cause Martyn made me,” Phil pouted trying not to smile knowing he was failing anyways.

“That’s okay,” Dan finally replied wiping a fake tear from his eye once he calmed down. “You’re pretty. Your eyes are pretty. I like them. They’re like…I dunno, like pools or something. I could go swimming in them.”

“I like you, Dan,” Phil said suddenly, trying not to slur his words.

“I like you too,” Dan replied drunkenly.

“No, like…really. How like, you know how Ms. Mooney looks at Mrs. Bey but they can’t cause she’s married? Like that kind of like,” Phil explained.

“Oh,” Dan nodded trying to shake off his drunken haze.

“I’ve been scared to tell you because I like that you’re my friend and I didn’t wanna mess things up but now I’m drunk and I’m saying everything in my head.”

“I like you too. From the first day with the papers. That’s why I talked to you,” Dan admitted feeling his cheeks flush, though he wasn’t sure if it was from the alcohol or finally admitting his feelings to Phil.

“Your face is red,” Phil laughed, poking his tongue out between his teeth.

“So is yours,” Dan rebutted trying to cover his face. “Are you still gonna like me when we’re sober?”

“Duh,” Phil said rolling his eyes. “I wish I told you I liked you sooner. Like when I was sober. Why didn’t you tell me you liked me?”

“Not telling,” Dan slurred shaking his head.

“Come ooon,” Phil begged. “You gotta tell me now!”

“Never ever, ever,” Dan snorted making a sloppy ‘lock and key’ motion with his hand.

“Not never ever, ever! Tell me!” Phil whined slowly pushing himself up so that he could climb on top of Dan. “I’m gonna tickle you.”

“You can’t mess with me, I’m drunk,” Dan laughed making absolutely no effort to get out from under Phil as he began wiggling his fingers over Dan’s stomach.

“You gotta!” Phil replied laughing along with Dan while doing his best not to fall over.

“Okay, okay!” Dan shrieked with laughter when Phil got to Dan’s neck making him arch his back up. “I’ll tell, I’ll tell! Just not the neck!”

Phil sat on Dan pulling his hands away from his neck and rested them on his chest to steady himself.

“I didn’t say because I thought you were so good. Like so pretty and nice. Just so stupidly perfect. And you would never like me back and I know I would miss you if you didn’t wanna be friends because I messed up and said the secret,” Dan stammered trying his best to make sense.

“You’re silly,” Phil giggled. “I would never stop being your friend.”

Both boys fell into comfortable silence for a few seconds before Phil spoke again.

“I can feel your heart beating.”

“That’s a good thing, I’m not dead,” Dan replied thinking it sounded much funnier in his head as he put one of his hands over Phil’s. “Can I kiss you?”

“Only if I can kiss you,” Phil smiled leaning down.

Due to his drunken state, Phil fell faster than intended and instead of kissing Dan, their noses bashed together making them erupt in a new wave of laughter as Phil rolled onto his bedroom floor.

“That was the worst first kiss attempt ever,” Phil breathed through giggles.

“Try again,” Dan smiled now that they were both lying on the floor on their sides.

“I did try, it’s your turn,” Phil challenged grabbing Dan’s hand in his.

“Let’s just lay here for a minute and get not drunk,” Dan decided. “Then I’m gonna kiss you so good.”

“So good,” Phil repeated as Dan rested his free hand on Phil’s cheek.

***

“Ugh, I hate this song!” Dan whined turning off the car radio. “Why is every song the same?”

Since starting their last year of school, Phil’s mum decided to let Phil drive the family car as long as Dan was with him to make sure he wasn’t being reckless. Both boys’ parents didn’t know about their relationship, not because they were afraid of their reaction, but because they knew they would never be left alone together if they told their parents they were more than friends.

“Hey, my car, my rules,” Phil joked turning the radio back on as he turned into Hazel Valley’s car park. “If you hate every song on the radio, why don’t you just write one yourself? Put those forgotten piano lessons to good use.”

“Playing a piece of music that’s already been written and writing the music myself are two very different things,” Dan giggled. “And it would probably sound like everything that’s already written because I have no creativity whatsoever.”

“You know that’s not true,” Phil replied as he pulled into an empty spot. “I heard if you write about something you love, it’ll just fall right out.”

“I can’t write lyrics! And I’m not writing a song about something I love because that ‘something’ is you and that’s what every song on the radio is about,” Dan smiled resting his hand over Phil’s.

“Every song on the radio is not about me,” Phil joked missing the point on purpose leaning in for a kiss from his boyfriend. “It could be romantic.”

“It definitely wouldn’t be,” Dan laughed. “It would be like, ‘hey I don’t know you, but I think that we should be friends for a few months then get really drunk when we’re 16 and make out.’”

“We didn’t make out. We didn’t even kiss! I fell on your face and almost broke both our noses,” Phil laughed loudly recalling his fondest memory with Dan.

“So romantic,” Dan smirked peppering a few more kisses on Phil’s face then neck.

“Don’t start this here,” Phil sighed wishing he could indulge. “We’ll get written up for being late again.”

“So?”

“So, they’ll call our parents and they’ll put the pieces together.”

“You really are a mood killer, you know that?” Dan pouted sitting back in the passenger seat. “But you’re right. Maybe during lunch we can come back in here and make out?”

“I can’t believe I ever thought there would be a romantic bone in your body Dan Howell,” Phil laughed hopping out of the car.

Dan climbed out behind Phil and followed him into the building, tucking his lyric-filled notebook under his arm promising to himself that he would finish the song he started writing the day after his hangover at Phil’s house.

[phanhowlterstuff-blog]

October Christmas

Summary: Phil just loves Christmas too much, I guess

Word count: 480

TW: none 

a/n: prompt from the blog phanfic

|read on ao3| |read on wattpad|

Dan sat crosslegged on his and Phil's bed, his computer on his thighs and his hands scrolling through tumblr on the 'phillester' tag

That's when he heard it, probably the fifth time this week

Dan sighed and closed his laptop and put it on the night stand and made his way towards their kitchen

"Oh, I don't want a lot for Christmas, this is all I'm asking for", echoed through their house, "I just wanna see my baby, yeaaaahhh", Phil danced a little as he stirred the pancake batter and continued singing with Mariah Carey as her voice came through his speaker, "Standing right outside my door"

"Phil", Dan whined when he arrived, it was the start of October and it wasn’t even December and his boyfriend still sang Christmas songs

"Oh I just want you for my own", Phil started putting some of the pancake batter on a pan, "For my own", Phil sang and looked at Dan, "Baby"

"Phil!", Dan yelled through the speaker, it was starting to get annoying at this point

"More than you could ever know", Phil flipped the pancake successfully, "Make my wish come true"

Dan knew that no matter what he did or tried, Phil would continue, he even tried kissing Phil when he was singing and it didn't even work and all Phil did was shove him away and continued singing. So Dan should know that it's no use and he should just let Phil sing but he was not gonna give up, no, Dan would never give up

"All I want for Christmas is", Phil took the now finished pancake onto a clean disk, put another small amount of pancake batter onto the pan and turned around when he heard Dan call his name again for the third time but Phil shushed him and giggled when he saw the face on Dan when he did that, "You, baby"

And Phil kissed him as the chorus were singing the end line of the song and Dan quickly kissed back, maybe he should listen to Dan and stop singing Christmas songs when it wasn't even the month of Christmas but he couldn't just kill his Christmas spirit

When the chorus ended, Phil pulled away from the kiss and looked at Dan, but soon he smelled a burning smell and quickly looked at his pancake batter that was on the pan and it was black and burned, so he quickly took the pan and put the burned pancake on the sink and put the pan back and put another small amount of pancake batter on the pan

"That was close", Phil turned away as he said that but got a quick kiss as a response

Dan hummed, "Ye it was", and went back to his room and Phil's room, leaving Phil with the pancakes

[jocollins]

Beautifully Broken - Bad Days Come Back. (on Wattpad) https://my.w.tt/Zhg20qdpdP Pastel!Dan have had a rough life that made it's prints on his soul, body and personality. But all his life is about to change when he meet Bad boy/Punk!Phil who believe that Dan can be cured, just with a bit of unconditional love.

[soulcrushingphan]

Fringe Check

Pairing: Dan/Phil

Genre: Fluff? I don't really know. Late night cuddling?

So this was written pretty late and i apologize for any and all mistakes. I woke up from a dream and just couldn't get the thought of Phil talking to Dan about changing his hair out of my mind so i decided to write something. I’m sure this is terrible but its late and i’m tired so I’m posting it anyway.

Per usual, it was almost 3am when Dan decided to head to bed after some late night Internet binging. However, walking into the room, the last thing he expected to see was Phil sitting up as he had gone ahead to bed a few hours prior. Continuing to walk into the room, Dan could see that Phil was just staring off into space and hadn’t even noticed him yet. He walked the rest of the way to the bed and slowly sat down near the end so he didn’t frighten the other.  Upon feeling the bed shift, Phil turned towards Dan and smiled a little. “Decided to join me after all?” he asked.

Dan’s brows drew together with concern as he looked back at Phil “it’s been 2 hours since you said you were going to bed. Have you been zoned out this whole time?” he questioned.

He watched as Phil’s eyebrows shot up and he glanced at the time display on his phone beside him. “I guess so. I was just thinking and I guess I got a little side tracked” he replied sheepishly.

Dan climbed into the bed beside him and pulled Phil towards his chest. Dan asked, “What has you thinking at 3am instead of sleeping?”

Snuggling closer Phil sighed, “My hair. I know its just hair but I’m worried about cutting it tomorrow. What if people don’t like it and they stop watching me? Am I really still AmazingPhil without the fringe?”

Dan lightly pushed Phil back far enough he could see his face and ran a hand through Phil’s hair, leaving his fringe pushed back. “I know it’s scary to change things but a lot of the time the change is a good thing. Remember how much you had to reassure me when I first stopped straightening my hair?” he asked. Phil shook his head yes, so Dan continued, “I was so afraid of how people would react because I had spent so long hating it, but in the end you convinced me it would be ok and I think it turned out for the better. At the very least my hair is definitely healthier” Dan chuckled. He pulled Phil back to his chest and the two snuggled down under the duvet. “Plus look at it this way, I’ve seen you with a quiff for years and I still think you’re pretty fit” Dan laughed.

Phil snorted as he let out a breath. “Yeah I guess you’re right. You embraced your hobbit-ness and everyone still likes you. Maybe being fringeless won’t be so bad” Phil said followed by a yawn.

Dan pressed a kiss to Phil’s forehead as he said “Phil with a quiff is going to be just as amazing as Phil with a fringe. If you really don’t like it, you can always change it again.”

Phil made a small hum of acknowledgment as he drifted off. Dan just smiled. He knew Phil would be ok and he would be by him every step of the way to remind him.

[lesbian-sora]

Only Fools

Summary ~ School is hard. School is harder when you’re a loser who has more bullies than friends. School is even harder when you have a crush on the most amazing guy in the world, even if your friends can’t see it. School is damn impossible when your friends coerce you into participating in the school play with the most amazing guy in the world. 

Dan and Phil’s experience falls into the impossible category, but maybe together (with some help from the King himself) they can make it out alive and well.

Tags ~ Fluff, high school AU, friends to lovers, theatre kids, mutual pining, slow burn, slight angst, not actually unrequited love

Words ~ 7106/~35K

Warnings ~ Swearing

Rating ~ Teen

Author’s Note ~ Hi guys! This fic was originally supposed to be one of my fics for Phandom Big Bang 2016, but things came up. I recently blew the dust off of it, and I really liked it, so it’s getting revamped and published! Updates will most likely be once a month for the next 4 months (I may up that posting schedule if writing/editing goes well and people actually like it) and I look forward to all of you getting to read it! Also, this will be my first chaptered fic that I’m posting one part at a time, so that’s exciting!

Prompt me!

Buy me a coffee!

Next chapter!

Read on AO3

                                                     Act I Scene I

There honestly weren’t very many people Louise Pentland disliked. She was bubbly and personable, meaning she got along with just about everyone she came in contact with, and she quite liked it that way. Everything from her approachable smile to her mothering attitude made it so people were drawn to her and she to them.

That being said, she absolutely despised Phil Lester.

Was it unfair, petty, and totally unreasonable? Absolutely. In all honesty, Phil would probably be voted nicest guy in the school, if anyone were to take a poll. Was he was a bit weird? Most certainly.  However, it was a completely harmless weird. It was quirky and odd like that store on the edge of town that dealt solely in the manufacture and sale of cat-themed gnomes. If she were to be straight with herself, she would admit that Phil had never knowingly or unknowingly harmed, damaged or even seriously upset herself or anyone she remotely knew, simply because that wasn’t the type of person Phil was. No, her dislike of Phil wasn’t his fault, and he had no idea it was even happening. Her dislike boiled down to one thing and one thing only.

“Louise! You’ll never guess what Phil did today!” Dan gushed, collapsing in the seat next to her.

Louise didn’t bother to look up from her compact where she was very carefully reapplying her lip gloss. She knew Dan was flushed lightly with a wide, dopey smile and that his eyes shone as if every star was compacted down into glitter that was dumped into hot chocolate. He always looked like that when Phil was brought up. Which was a lot. “I’m guessing from your normal reports that he was walking down the hall and breathing.”

“No,” Dan scowled and wadded a bit of paper into a tiny ball and flicked it at her, offering a sheepish grin after it landed in her makeup. “I actually talked with him a bit today.”

“Dan, we’ve discussed this before. Saying ‘Hi, Phil!’ and then hiding your face and running away before he can respond doesn’t count as talking to him.”

“Someone’s in a mood,” Dan pouted. “And I’ll have you know this was a totally real and legit conversation we had. Some dick head knocked into me on the way out here and Phil saw and helped me pick all my stuff up and everything. He even gave me his hand to help me stand up!”

Louise cocked a brow. “Really? Honestly, Dan I almost didn’t think you had it in you,” she said, ignoring his squawks of protest. “What all did you boys talk about?”

“He saw my piano book and asked if I played,” Dan said dreamily, the look on his face making it more than apparent that he was reliving the moment in perfect clarity again and again until it was ingrained in his memory. “And so I told him yeah, but I was awful and then I thought he was going to just leave but he walked with me almost the whole way here and he saw me in the play last year, Louise! He saw me and remembered me and told me I did a good job! Oh my god, it was probably the best moment of my life.”

Louise rolled her eyes, but smiled good naturedly, more than pleased over how happy her friend was. However, there was one thing that always bugged her about the whole situation. “Dan, darling, why Phil of all people? I mean he’s nice and all, and, sure, he’s not awful to look at, but he’s just so strange. Saying you could do better is probably the understatement of the year.”

Dan looked at her, glaring at her as if she’d just spat in his mother’s face and told her that her cooking was a disgrace (which she hadn’t) and he was personally offended (which he probably was). “Okay, first of all,” he started and Louise took a deep breath, already regretting her words and preparing for the sermon that was soon to follow. “Phil Lester is an unusual beauty so rare and perfect and we don’t deserve him. Second, he’s got an absolutely brilliant mind and we should all count ourselves lucky to hear anything that brain decides to gift us with. Third-”

“Mr. Howell,” Mrs. Bronwell interrupted from the front of the room, “as much as I’m sure we’d all love to hear you expound on the virtues of Mr. Lester, I, personally, get paid to teach you math, and I’d quite like to do so at this moment. If that’s not an imposition on you, of course.”

Dan blushed bright red all the way from his collar bones (and possibly farther, who knew) to the very tips of his ears. “Sorry, Mrs.,” he said, sinking down a bit more in his chair. “I’m done.”

“Oh, I highly doubt that,” Louise scoffed, quite unintentionally. There were a few scattered titters around the room and Dan gave Louise a long, hard, stare. The whole school probably knew about Dan’s crush on Phil just from him talking loudly and passionately about how wonderful the other boy was at any chance he got, so it’s not like there was any new gossip being delivered so he didn’t really feel the need to be properly embarrassed. But, the sting of betrayal was still there and he was sure to let her know he felt about it.

“Thank you for your contribution, Miss Pentland,” Mrs, Bronwell smiled, “but we really must get on with our lesson. Now, today we’re studying logarithms - James, don’t you roll your eyes at me. Yes, I saw you just fine.”

Now that the lesson had begun and he was finally free of all judgement, Dan let himself drift off quite happily into his thoughts, where his daydreams once again found themselves centered upon the subject of Phil Lester. How kind his smile was when he was offering him help. How he seemed genuinely interested as Dan flushed and fumbled over the explanation of his mediocre piano skills. How his hand was so soft but sure and he held Dan’s own and pulled him to his feet. As his teacher went on about the ins and outs of math things he didn’t care about Dan drew little doodles, of hearts and Phil coming to rescue him from the horrors of sports. He sighed happily and looked out the window thinking about Phil Lester, unknowing that somewhere in the school Phil was sighing happily and looking out a window thinking about Dan Howell.

                                                     Act I Scene II

“I found out he plays piano, Peej!” Phil beamed, waving his hands around for emphasis. “That’s so impressive, honestly. I wonder if he can play anything else.”

“I think I heard somewhere that he plays drums, but that could just be a rumor.” PJ paid the conversation little mind, far more focused on the poster he was designing for the school play.

“Eh, he seems the type,” Chris added helpfully. “You know: loud, obnoxious and in your face.”

Phil scowled at his now snickering friends. “He is not. He’s always really sweet and quiet when I talk to him.”

“Yeah?” Chris challenged. “Well, I had a history class with him one time and his own friend asked the teacher if he could change seats because Dan was distracting him too much.”

“Sean said that one time when they were taking a chemistry exam Dan started singing the periodic table. Out loud,” PJ added helpfully.

“He’s boisterous, maybe,” Phil conceded, “But he’s probably hilarious which is why his friend was so distracted and besides, learning a song to memorize the periodic table is pretty smart.”

Chris rolled his eyes. “Mate, we could tell you that Dan killed Mother Theresa and you’d just say ‘I mean, she probably deserved it.’” PJ chuckled next to him and Phil simply shot him another dirty look. “Anyway, as much as you love talking about Dan we really ought to move on because me and Peej, well, we don’t enjoy it near as much as you.”

Before Phil could argue PJ chimed in with a, “Help me decide on which one of these posters is better. Mr. Walters wants them up by this afternoon so people have plenty of time to sign up before auditions next month.” He showed them a couple of hand drawn posters, one featuring a more 60’s theme with psychedelic rainbow patterns and little people scattered all around doing various theatre things whilst the other  was more focused on space, complete with little aliens all over it. Both said in clear letters “Join this year’s spring musical! All You Need Is Love: A 60’s space drama written and produced by PJ Liguori and Sophie Newton. Auditions after school in the auditorium on 8/8”

“I like the space one,” Phil said.

“No, no. The 60’s is way better,” Chris argued. “It’s more fun looking and approachable. Everybody likes the 60’s.”

“No, everybody likes space,” Phil insisted.

“No, you like space, you big nerd.”

“I think we should ask the cards.”

“Phil,” PJ groaned, “you can’t rely on your tarot cards for every decision you have to make.”

“Yes, I can. I asked the cards and they said it was fine,” Phil smirked, pulling out his deck of Pokemon cards. He was honestly rather proud of them; he had spent an entire afternoon dedicated to learning each of the 56 cards in the full tarot deck and assigning a Pokemon to each one, then an entire month (and more money than he’d care to admit) collecting every single card until his deck was finally complete. He closed his eyes and focused. “Alright, we’re just doing a yes or no question so we can just use the Major Arcana, or would you rather do a full reading with all the cards?”

PJ rolled his eyes, but said, “Just the Major is fine. You can do a full reading when it’s more important decisions.”

Phil nodded, separating out the twenty two cards needed. “Okay, PJ, I’m going to start shuffling. Focus really hard on your question and when you think it’s time, tell me to stop.”

PJ closed his eyes for a moment, breathing deeply and said, “Stop.”

Immediately, Phil quit shuffling and laid the cards out in a neat row. “Is this good, or do you want me to shuffle again?”

“That’s fine. My question is ‘Should I use the space themed poster?’”

“Alright, choose a card.”

PJ chose one fourth from the left and Phil flipped it over, revealing a card of Mew. Phil grinned, before announcing: “You got The World, which talks about your conscious and unconscious joining and how you’re facing an important juncture that will make your path for the future clear. It also means that you’re going to gain true insight to the nature of yourself.”

“Yeah, yeah, but is it a yes or a no?” Chris said impatiently.

“It’s a yes,” Phil said with a smug smirk.

“And how do we know you’re not bullshitting us to get your way?”

“Well, if you think about it there was the whole conscious, unconscious thing, and he clearly preferred the space one, considering how much time he spent on it.” They looked at PJ for confirmation who shrugged and nodded with a sheepish grin. “Plus if you have the play be ‘you’, having this decision be insight into the true nature of yourself makes sense since it’s really more about space with a sixties flair than sixties with space themes.” Chris frowned thoughtfully, slowly nodding his head before Phil grinned and added, “Also, you don’t.”

“Why you absolute-”

“Stow it,” PJ hissed. “Mr. Bedsole just walked in.” And with that, the three quieted down to focus on the droning lecture about World War II.

                                                    Act I Scene III

“But you said we were going out for coffee today!” Dan pouted at Louise, who, in her defense, looked absolutely heartbroken denying him.

“I’m sorry, Dan,” she said. “I really am, but Chummy says there’s a huge sale going on in Brighton today and I really don’t want to miss it. I promise we can go tomorrow.”

“I do swear that it’s a one day sale,” Zoe added earnestly, looking almost as remorseful as Louise. “I’ll buy you a drink tomorrow to make up for it.”

“That’s all well and good for tomorrow, but what am I meant to do for today?” he whined.

“You could always come with us?” Louise suggested weakly. “We can get coffee at the station to have on the train?”

Dan sighed, quietly enough that the two girls didn’t hear . “As much as I do honestly enjoy going shopping with you two, I’m really not up for a two hour train ride today. However, if you see anything you think I’d like, I wouldn’t say no to some more peace offerings for bailing on me today.”

“You cheeky thing!” Zoe laughed, gently pinching his cheek. “You’re a right mess and a half, you are.”

He batted her hand away with a smile. “Yeah, yeah. Seriously, though. What am I going to do today? My mum's going to be out until five or later and I left my key at home. Do you want me to just wander around Reading lost and alone that whole time?”

“Oh, please,” Louise laughed with an eye roll. “Tyler exists, so you know there’s no way you can be bored for too long.”

“My ears are on fire right now,” Tyler sang, joining them at their table. “What are we talking about? Besides me, of course.”

“Well, someone ditched me to go look at- What is it exactly that you’re after?”

“Clothes,” both girls said in unison.

“Going to that Brighton sale?” Tyler asked with a knowing smirk. “I’d join you, but honestly, I don’t want to.”

They all laughed together before Dan piped up, “Anyway, they’re leaving me for clothes and have put my afternoon activities in your command.”

Tyler winced. “I’m sorry, Dan-”

“No!”

“I have a date!” Tyler defended. “And, boo, you know I think you’re the best thing since sliced bread, but you third wheeling me isn’t going to get me laid.”

Dan cast him a betrayed look. “So, basically what you’re telling me is I’m basically screwed? Carrie’s busy with theatre, you’re going on a date, these two would rather pet garments they can’t afford then get coffee with me, and Sean is probably off sucking face with Signe.”

“You could always just follow Phil home and sit outside like a lost puppy and hope he lets you in,” Tyler suggested, somewhat helpfully.

“Why don’t you actually fuck off?” Dan snapped,as his face turned scarlet. “That was one time, okay?”

“You stood outside his house in the rain for an hour pretending you thought it was someone else’s house before you realized nobody was home.”

“That was two years ago!”

“I still can’t believe it happened at all.”

Dan buried his face in his hands to hide his blushing cheeks. “You guys are the absolute worst people in the world and I hate every single one of you,” he groaned.

Tyler reached over and patted his cheek fondly. “Oh, boo, we know that’s not true. Who else would listen to you wax poetic about Phil?”

Again the three laughed together. “I’m still without anything to do this afternoon,” Dan pointed out.

“Can’t you just break in?” Tyler suggested. “I do that at my house all the time.”

“My mom routinely locks all the windows so mine is the only one open and there’s no way I can get to the second floor.”

“You could hang out with Sean and Signe,” Louise offered. “I’m sure they’d at least try to contain themselves while you’re around.”

“Yeah, but even when they’re not trying to climb into each other’s mouth I still always feel like I’m third wheeling so fucking hard. And not like tricycle third wheel either.”

“Why don’t you just go hang out at the coffee house on your own or go nerd shopping?” Zoe recommended. “You have your phone and headphones, right? Just sit in a corner and ignore everyone.”

Dan let out a long suffering sigh. “I guess that’s my only option, unless I want to go to the library or something.” He sighed and complained, “Why is there nothing to do here?”

“There’s plenty to do, you’re just too immersed in your laptop to experience any of them,” Louise laughed. “Chummy and I can always find plenty to do.”

“You have no idea what a town with nothing to do looks like, sweetheart,” Tyler scoffed. “Jackson was like a third this size and a good hour away from anything even remotely interesting.”

“Yeah, well, this place being better than your hometown is zero help right now. Somebody give me something to do.”

“You could just Google it and do the tourist-y things that pop up,” Zoe beamed. “Me and Alfie did that one time and it was loads of fun.”

“That sounds like a really great date,” Dan agreed, a dash of sarcasm in his tone. “However, since I’m a sexually ambiguous nerd who can’t properly talk to anyone outside of you guys, there’s very little chance of me getting a date any time soon. Plus it’s pouring and I wouldn’t want to wander around Reading in the rain even if I had a date.” Tyler took this moment to mutter about how he’d done it for Phil before, but quieted down when Dan gave him a stern glance.

“Well, whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck,” Louise said, taking out her phone to check the time. “However, Chummy and I must be getting on as our train leaves in less than an hour.”

“Bye, Louise. Bye Zoe,” Dan and Tyler chimed together. The two girls laughed and gave their final farewell hugs before leaving, leaving Dan and Tyler alone.

“So, who is this guy, anyway?” Dan asked, picking at his fingernails.

“Uh, his name is Michael and I met him on Tinder.”

“Phil’s middle name-”

“Is Michael. Yes, I know,” Tyler teased. “You’ve told us all more than once.”

Dan merely rolled his eyes and said, “So, Michael. Is this a guy you might actually like to date or is he just a casual hookup?”

“I don’t know, honestly,” Tyler shrugged. “He seemed nice enough while we were messaging but not exactly my kind of guy, you know? I may just keep in contact with him to hang out with on Fridays when I’m bored because somebody is too invested in Mario Kart to go party with me.”

“Please. You and I both know that I’m probably the last person you’d want to go with you to a party. I’d just stand awkwardly in a corner playing on my phone all night and making everyone who dared to talk to me feel bad because they wouldn’t understand a single word I mumbled.”

Tyler cast him yet another sympathetic look and Dan swore he was going to rip his eyebrows out if another person looked at him as if he was the dog they were leaving behind at the shelter. “Have you considered hanging out with Carrie this afternoon? Like, I know you said you weren’t doing theatre this year-”

“The four hours I spent locked in a janitor’s closet for being in the school play said I wasn’t doing theatre this year.”

Tyler narrowed his eyes at the interruption, but continued. “Anyway, you said you weren’t going to be in the play, but I’m pretty sure they’re just doing like pre-pre-pre-play stuff today. Hanging up posters and the like. I mean, it’s something at least.”

Dan considered his options for a moment. While he had sworn off acting for the year, he really liked most of the theatre kids he hung out with last time. Besides, it was completely harmless and he did always enjoy spending time with Carrie. “Yeah, I suppose. Anyway, if it is horrible I can always pretend my grandma is in the hospital or something to get out of it.”

“That’s the Dan Howell spirit we all know and love,” Tyler grinned, clapping him on the back.

This will be fine. What could go wrong?

                                                    Act I Scene IV

There was no way this was happening.

“PJ, I can’t go in there,” Phil hissed, physically keeping his friend by his side and out of that room. For in that room sat none other than Dan Howell, looking perfect as always whilst he lounged next to Carrie, who was laughing along at something he said. “I thought you said he wouldn’t be here today!”

PJ shrugged, clearly not seeing the problem and Phil had never felt so betrayed. “He said he wasn’t coming back last year, but maybe he changed his mind. Or maybe he’s just helping a friend hang posters. Who knows? You might if you go in there and talk to him.”

“I can’t let him see me like this,” Phil refused. “I took out my contacts last lesson because my eyes were all itchy and the redness still hasn’t gone down and I look terrible.”

“Maybe he’s into the whole robot look.”

“You’re not helping!”

“Look, mate,” PJ sighed. “You can stay and help or you can go home and sulk, but either way I’ve got to be in there to take charge of this whole shindig and I can already feel Sophie glaring at me for being late. I know you don’t look one hundred percent your best ever but it’s a Monday afternoon after school and nobody looks great, and I swear to god if you tell me Dan looks amazing I will never let you borrow my Legend of Zelda games ever again.” Phil gave him a sheepish grin. “And for what it’s worth your face shape works really well with those glasses and the redness is pretty much gone.”

Phil smiled softly at his friend. “You always know what to say, Peej.”

PJ smirked and winked back at him. “It truly is a gift. Now come on, let’s go hang some posters and get some theatre nerds hyped about a play.”

As the two walked in a kind of hush fell over the gathered students and Phil couldn’t help but notice the panicked look Dan gave Carrie as he passed by them, taking a seat next to Chris and Alexandra. He leaned over to point it out to Chris, but he merely shot him a look before pointedly focusing on PJ and Sophie at the front of the room. Phil huffed; he knew why he was being shushed, but that didn’t mean he had to like it.

“Okay, everyone, thanks for being here!” PJ beamed at the eight students sprawled across various chairs and desks. “We really appreciate your help. Does anyone have any questions?”

“Why don’t you tell them what exactly it is that they’re helping with?” Sophie suggested from behind him with a smile and a fond roll of the eyes.

PJ gave her a crooked grin in thanks before returning his attention to the crowd. “Right, I should. Well, as you all should know the school puts on a musical every spring, and if you didn’t know then you do now. Anyway, as this is our last year Mr. Walters has agreed to put on a play that Sophie and I wrote, and he’s put us in charge of everything from production to advertisement. Today we’re putting up posters around the school to let everyone know about the auditions that are happening next month, giving them plenty of time to pluck up the courage to sign up since that’s probably the hardest part of school plays for a lot of us.” There were a few scattered chuckles, and PJ carried on. “Since there are ten of us and five main areas we need to put these up, we’re going to be splitting into teams of two, and each team is going to get twenty posters to hang up. Yeah, it sounds like a lot, but we want these everywhere. I don’t want there to be a single person at this school who doesn’t know about this play. That means staple them to bulletin boards, hang them up on those weird clothes pin things outside the art room, tape them on every door and stairwell you can find. So yeah, I mean it when I say everywhere.”

“Alright then,” Sophie chimed in. “After that rousing speech, everyone pick a partner and we’ll arm you with a stapler, tape, clothespins, blu tack and more posters than you’ll know what to do with. Go!” Phil swore he saw PJ, Carrie, and Chris all share a look, but he brushed it off to partner up with Chris, only to find that he had already linked arms with Alexandra. He glanced around the room to see that PJ and Sophie were obviously in each other's pockets, Carrie was chatting with Matt, and Tom and Gi were leaned against one another playing some kind of app on Tom’s phone leaving-

“Uh, hi again?”

Phil whipped his head around to see Dan standing in front of him with a bit of red tinting his ears. “Your friend abandon you, too?” Phil chuckled. When Dan didn’t answer and just continued blinking at him, Phil flushed bright red immediately starting to back track. “Not that I’m saying- Well, what I mean is more that- You see what I’m trying to say is-” he finally sputtered to a stop. “Sorry?”

Dan blinked at him a couple more times before realization dawned on his face and he blushed to match Phil. “No, no it’s fine, I promise! I’m not offended or anything! Carrie did totally ditch me to partner with Matt. I was just really distracted by your glasses; I didn’t know you wore them.”

Phil chuckled nervously, scratching behind his neck. “Yeah, they’re- yeah. They’re kinda big and dumb looking so I try not to wear them at school too much.”

“It’s not that,” Dan mumbled, looking down and to the left while shooting Phil looks from beneath his lashes. “They actually really suit you. They make you look really smart I guess.” He flushed a bit darker before adding, “I like them.”

Well, if Phil wasn’t about to pass out before from how adorable and shy Dan looked he definitely was now. Dan liked his glasses. Dan Howell liked his glasses. He took a moment to gather himself before he could blurt out that he was about to call the optometrist and tell her to cancel all his contact orders from now until forever because Dan Howell liked his glasses. “Thanks, that means a lot,” he said instead. “I don’t really like them all that much so they can use all the love they can get from other people.”

Dan sputtered out an abrasive laugh which garnered a couple people’s attention and made Phil’s chest feel like it had been filled with warm helium before Dan slapped his hands over his mouth to muffle it. Phil considered telling Dan his hands would would better suited in Phil’s instead of quieting the music that was his laugh, but decided that was maybe a little forward. “If you don’t mind me asking, why are you wearing your glasses if you hate them so much?”

“Oh, sometimes my contacts can bother my eyes and last period they were really itchy and so I took them out instead of trying to rub my eyeballs into the back of my skull.”

Phil mentally slapped himself for actually saying that out loud, but Dan just giggled. “Well, I hope they’re feeling better. I noticed you had some red in your eyes, so I’m glad it’s nothing serious.”

At the mention of red Phil slammed his eyes shut and covered them with his hands. “PJ said the red was all gone!” he whined.

Dan immediately started flapping his hands nervously. “No, no it’s fine! It’s hardly noticeable at all! I only noticed because I was staring at your face up close, and oh my god, I can’t believe I said that out loud. Someone please stop me.” By the end of his sentence Dan was a darker red than Phil previously thought possible and looked  just about ready for the world to split in half and swallow him whole. He was adorable, and Phil was about to die.

“Nah, I get it,” Phil chuckled with a smile. “You said the glasses were distracting so it makes sense for you to stare.”

Dan opened his mouth like he was about to argue Phil’s point, but there was a cough behind Phil and they both turned to see PJ standing there with a stack of flyers in his hands and a knowing smirk on his lips. “Well, since the two of you were too busy - um, let’s say talking - to come up and pick an area to work in the only one left is the gym and lunchroom, so I hope the two of you brought umbrellas.” Dan looked absolutely panic stricken at the thought of needing an umbrella, much to Phil’s confusion, but PJ simply carried on. “Sophie has the stuff to hang these up with so you two need to get going or we’re still going to be here when school lets in tomorrow.”

Phil groaned melodramatically and accused PJ of forsaking him and throwing him to the depths of hell, but still smiled and thanked Sophie - who was giggling behind her hands - when he got their tools. The only problem was that Dan was strangely quiet the entire time, and not in the adorably shy way he was earlier that afternoon when they were walking to class together. No, this was more akin to the silence of a man being lead to the gallows, and that just wasn’t going to work in Phil’s book. “Hey, are you okay?”

Dan gnawed his bottom lip for a moment before sighing and saying, “I’m really not sure if I want to tell you. Like on one hand it’s really not that big of a deal, and avoiding it is only going to make it way worse, but on the other hand it’s really embarrassing, and I don’t like talking about it.”

Phil hummed in thought, tapping his chin and looking Dan up and down through squinted eyes. To most it might look like he was just observing the younger boy to come up with some sort of plan, but in reality he was just taking the opportunity to check him out. “What if I hum and then you say it really quickly and if I hear you, I can pretend I didn’t understand and if I didn’t hear you then you at least got it off your chest and you don’t have to worry anymore.”

Dan laughed and smiled so hard his eyes were almost completely closed. “You are such a strange person, Phil Lester,” he said with what Phil was adamantly interpreting as fondness.

“You know, you’re actually not the first person to tell me that.”

Dan rolled his eyes but he still had that grin so Phil didn’t take it to heart. “Unfortunately, that plan won’t work, so I’m just going to tell you, but you can’t make fun of me, okay?” Phil nodded eagerly, knowing that there was no way he could ever deliberately make Dan feel bad about himself. Dan took a deep breath and quickly said, “MyhairisnaturallyreallycurlysoIstraightenitbutwhenitgetswetitgetscurlyagainandit’srainingandIdidn’tbringanything.”

Phil blinked, trying to process what he just heard until it finally clicked and he beamed. “Why didn’t you say so?! You can borrow my coat.”

Dan’s eyes bugged out at the very idea. “I can’t just take your coat! What are you going to wear? It may be a short walk, but you’ll still wind up soaked by the time we get inside.”

Phil shrugged. “Well, any way you look at it, one of us is going to look like a drowned rat by the end of this no matter what. You seem to be a lot more worried about it than me, so why shouldn’t you be the one to stay dry? Besides, I have a change of clothes in my bag since I’m meeting up with my family for dinner after this. Take the coat, Dan.”

“But Phil-”

“Too late!” he sang, pulling his arm out of the sleeve. “I’m  taking it off and I’m not going to put it back on until it’s time to leave. If you don’t take it then the poor coat will just sit here and be useless while we both get wet. Do you want my coat to feel that way, Dan?”

Dan giggled at his overreaction, but took the coat with a gentle smile. “Thanks, Phil. I mean it.”

“No problem,” Phil smiled back. “But now you do have to hold the flyers and stuff. Just shove them under your jacket so they don’t get wet.”

Dan nodded and took the papers. “Alright then, let’s do this.”

                                                    Act I Scene V

“Oh my god, Louise, it was amazing,” Dan gushed over the phone. He had tried texting Louise but he was way too excited and his fingers kept slipping and pretty much everything he wrote had more exclamation points than actual letters. “How do we have so much in common and I never knew it?”

“Maybe because you only ever stalked him instead of talking and sharing your interests?” she teasingly suggested.

“You can’t tell but I’m giving you a dirty look right now,” Dan pouted, tracing his finger over the numbers written on the Post-It note Phil had given him. “And there will be plenty of actual talking between the two of us now, since he gave me his number.”

Louise squealed across the line. She had never made it a secret that Phil wasn’t her first choice for Dan’s big crush, but she had to admit that the fact that Dan was so over the moon for him was precious, and anything that made Dan happy made her happy. “Oh my god, really? What happened?”

“Well, we had to go out to the gym to hang posters and since it was pouring I was complaining about my hair-”

“Like you always do.”

“Shut it. Anyway, he insisted that I used his jacket to keep dry and at the end of the day it was still raining so he told me to keep it and I could text him about returning it later,” Dan sighed happily, reliving every moment of the afternoon in perfect clarity. “Louise, it was amazing. He’s amazing.”

“Have you texted him yet?” Louise demanded. “You have to tell me everything when you do.”

“I don’t want to return his jacket yet,” Dan admitted. He hadn’t told Louise that it was warm and smelled like Phil and that was why he didn’t want to lose it but he was pretty sure she knew. “What if I text him and all he wants to talk about is getting his coat?”

Louise sighed and Dan knew she was her rolling her eyes. “You’re being ridiculous, you know that, right? Of course he doesn’t want to just talk about that. Giving someone your coat as an excuse to keep talking to someone is one of the oldest tricks in the book. I’m pretty sure it’s been a thing since coats were invented.”

“I don’t know, Louise,” Dan said, biting his thumb nail. “I mean, Phil’s just a really nice person. He was probably just giving me his coat because it was nice. He’s not really the type to play tricks like that.”

“Everyone play tricks, even if it’s subconscious,” Louise dismissed. Dan could almost see her nodding sagely. “He probably did give you the jacket because you needed it, but the phone number was just so the two of you can talk. If he really was only interested in the coat then he would have just set up a time to get it back when he gave it to you.”

“You really think so?” Dan asked nervously. “What if I make a fool of myself and he never speaks to me again?”

“Number one that won’t happen. Number two, even if it does are you really in any worse of a boat? It’s not like you were actually talking to him before this anyway.”

“You’re being super unhelpful and also the absolute worst.”

“You love it. Now text that lion loving nerd and make sure I’m your maid of honor at the wedding.”

“What do I even say?” Dan whined.

“Just introduce yourself, you complete dollop head. Just say ‘Hi, this is Dan!’”

Dan sighed dramatically, flopping back and extending out three of his long limbs. He winced when they all settled into that nice stretched feeling and quickly changed phone hands so he could do that last one as well. “Fine, I’ll do it as soon as I get off the phone with you.”

“Oh, well, in that case my mother has been calling me to come downstairs for about five minutes and I’m definitely not making this up so you have to text Phil.”

“Louise I hate you!”

“Love you, too!” she cackled, sending a couple kissing noises across the line before hanging up.

Dan groaned and glared at his phone for abandoning him, hoping that Louise would somehow be able to feel it. After a moment he sighed and pulled up messages and tapped “Compose”

To: Phil 5:44

hello! this is dan the guy u left your coat with this afternoon lol.

Dan closed the app to open YouTube, not expecting a response any time soon, but before he could finish pulling up his subscription box his phone buzzed.

From: Phil 5:47

Hi!! How was your walk home? Did you stay dry and everything? I would have given you a ride, but I was already late to meet my parents. I’m sorry. :(

Dan took a moment to breathe calmly but quickly gave up in favor of squealing in delight as he rolled back and forth, clutching his phone to his chest. He just had to tell Louise.

To: The Mum Friend 5:49

omg hes so nice. like he asked if i stayed dry on the way home and apologized for not driving me home himself  #phillesterangelconfirmed

To: Phil the Actual Angel 5:51

dw about it ^-^ i stayed pretty dry. yhanks to you i don’t look like a hobbit reject.

From: Phil the Actual Angel 5:54

Lol any Hobbit that rejects you is missing out on making their Hobbit village cuter than all the other ones. You can come join my elf city and we can be too tall together.

To: The Mum Friend 5:57

LOUISSE HE CALLERD ME CUTER IM DYING SEND HELPP

To: Phil the Actual Angel 5:58

lets be honest wed both be loners. im too tall for the hobbits and ur too clumsy for the elves.

From: Phil the Actual Angel 6:00

Why must you crush my dreams Danyul? :’< I’m not that clumsy

To: Phil the Actual Angel 2:02

i think the paint still stuck in my hair from where u knocked me into the art supplies in the prop room would beg to differ.

From: Phil the Actual Angel 2:04

Okay, I GUESS that’s a fair point. And hey, as long as we’re outcasts together that’s not too bad in my book. ^-^

To: Phil the Actual Angel 2:04

my my phillip r u flirting with me?

From: Phil the Actual Angel 2:05

That depends entirely on if it’s working :D Hey, by the way, what lunch do you have?

Dan frowned at the sudden topic change, but shook his head and went along with it for now.

To: Phil the Actual Angel 6:06

i have 2nd y?

From: Phil the Actual Angel 2:07

You do? That’s the same one I have? How come I’ve never seen you? D:

To: Phil the Actual Angel 2:08

probs because i sit with my friends and we try to avoid human interaction lol

From: Phil the Actual Angel 2:10

Same, honestly. Do you think you and your friends would want to come and eat lunch with me and mine tomorrow? We usually sit out under the tree next to the front office.

To: Phil the Actual Angel 2:11

i am so sorry can i answer you in a sec my mum wants me

Dan took a deep breath, trying not to panic. He quickly dialed up Louise and waited with bated breath as it rang again and again and again and again and ag-

“Dan? What can-”

“HE ASKED ME TO EAT LUNCH WITH HIM TOMORROW!” Dan shouted before she could finish her greeting.

“Wait, hold on a minute. Who did what now?”

“Phil! He asked me to eat lunch with him tomorrow!” he repeated in a much quieter but no calmer tone. “Well, actually he asked me to ask all of you if you might be interested in eating lunch with his group tomorrow. What should I even say to that? ‘Yes, I’d like to eat lunch with you tomorrow and every following day for the rest of our lives’?”

“You could always just say you’ll ask,” she said with an underlying laugh. “I don’t see a problem with us sitting with them, though. All of us like meeting new people so it should be fun.”

“You mean it? Everything will be fine?”

“I’m sure of it, and if anyone says otherwise, I’ll wallop them on the head.”

“You’re the best, Louise.”

“I know it. Now go set up your lunch date already.” And with that the line clicked dead and Dan was once again left alone with his phone.

To: Phil the Actual Angel 5:14

sorry! my mum is v demanding sometimes T_T but yeah lunch tomorrow sounds great! all my friends like meeting new people so it should be lots of fun

From: Phil the Actual Angel 5:16

Don’t worry about it! ^-^ So you want to just meet at the tree or in the lunchroom or what?

To: Phil the Actual Angel 5:18

i think we can find our way to the tree so that should be fine ^-^ see u tomorrow!

From: Phil the Actual Angel 5:20

It’s a date!

Dan gaped at his phone for a moment before calling Louise yet again to scream.

[ticklishhpickle]

Interrupted By Fireworks, Literally

Summary: Dan has a wake up call when he realises 2018 is fast approaching, meaning he’s spent nearly a decade pining over the one and only Phil Lester. Not wanting to waste any more time, he devises a plan. This year, he’s going to kiss Phil at midnight. If he doesn’t kiss back, he’ll write it off as a drunk, meaningless mistake and try his best to move on. But if he does... oh, how Dan wants to know. 

Word count: 2.5k 

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: None

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dan stared at Phil from across the room. He frowned when he saw the black-haired man talking to Hazel for what seemed like the millionth time that night. Don’t get Dan wrong, he had nothing against Hazel- except for the fact she seemed to have exactly what Dan wanted; Phil.

Dan was pathetically, hopelessly, and probably unrequitedly in love with Phil, and had been for the past eight years. It hit Dan a few weeks ago that the start of 2018 marked nearly a decade of Dan pining over his best friend. The realisation had caused Dan to have a small existential crisis, but after that he came up with a plan.

At their New Year’s Eve party, Dan was going to kiss Phil on their balcony at midnight. Hopefully. It perhaps wasn’t the most thought out plan Dan had come up with in his lifetime, but it was a plan nevertheless. He just really hoped he wouldn’t chicken out.

Best case scenario; Phil would kiss back and admit his deep feelings of love and adoration for Dan, and then ask him to be his boyfriend. Worst case scenario; Phil would awkwardly reject Dan as he leaned in to kiss him, Dan would write off his actions as a drunken mistake (even though he planned to have no alcohol on the night) and Dan would finally accept that Phil didn’t feel the same and move on. Totally foolproof.

Things weren’t exactly going to plan however, thanks to a certain blonde woman. Dan was sure Phil and her were getting together right in front of his eyes! Though it did seem strange that Hazel and Phil didn’t look like they were playfully flirting or anything, it actually looked like they were having a serious discussion about something. Phil had also noticed the way Dan and Hazel kept looking over to Phil, worried looks on their faces. They were probably worrying about how Dan would cope when they revealed to him they’d been secretly dating for years and were moving to Vegas to elope. Sick bastards.

Sitting alone in the corner at his own party was doing him no favours, especially if he wanted his plan to work so Dan forced himself out of the chair he’d been sitting on for the past ten minutes and walked over to the drinks table.

In the middle of pouring himself an orange soda, he was interrupted by his bubbly, female best friend.

“Dan! Just the guy I’ve been looking for. You gonna tell me why you’ve been sulking in the corner for the better half of this party?” Louise asked, her eyes concerned.

“Oh, the usual. Just pathetically pining over Phil while he chats up Hazel. Nothing new.” Dan’s voice was exaggeratedly cheery.

“Dan, don’t be silly. There’s no way Phil and Hazel are a thing. He likes you, Dan.”

“If that’s true, why has he spent most of this party talking to her? I should just give up and go home.”

“Dan, don’t be stupid. It’s pretty obvious he’s in love with you too. Also you live here, did you forget? Stop being a drama queen.” Louise rolled her eyes at Dan.

Oops. He hadn’t really thought about what he’d said.

“Well you’re wrong. Maybe I would have believed that before tonight, but after seeing them together I think I should just forget about the plan and move on.”

“NO!” Louise exclaimed loudly. A few party guests turned to look at the pregnant woman.

“Oops.” she said quietly, shrugging her shoulders awkwardly.

When attention was no longer on her, she continued;

“Anyway, I really, really don’t think you should do that.”

Dan narrowed his eyes at her. She was being suspicious.

“Why are you so sure about that, Louise? Is there something you’re hiding from me?”

An incredulous look appeared on his friend’s face as she waved a dismissive hand at Dan.

“What! No! No way. I don’t know anything! I’ve got pregnancy brain, remember?” Louise pointed across the room at nothing.

“Woah! That’s so weird, I better go check that out!” and before Dan could respond, Louise was gone.

Something wasn’t adding up. Louise rarely acted like this with Dan, but when she did, it meant she was hiding something. She seemed awfully sure that kissing Phil at midnight would end well, but why? Dan had always gone to Louise to talk about his feelings for Phil and sworn her to secrecy, but was it possible Phil had been doing the same all along?

It would make sense. Dan and Phil didn’t have many friends, and the ones they did have were shared. Phil would definitely tell Louise if he did happen to have secret feelings for Dan. Dan felt hope bubbling up in his chest, along with a feeling of renewed confidence. The plan was back on.

He checked his watch; it was 11:47. Fuck. He needed to get Phil out on the balcony with him, stat. Dan scanned the room quickly, huffing when he saw no sign of his best friend.

“And who would you be looking for, stranger?”

Dan snapped his head around and nearly breathed a sigh of relief when he saw it was just Phil and not some random he didn’t know.

“You.” Dan gave his friend a small smile, which only grew when he saw the faint blush that dusted Phil’s cheeks. His suspicions were proving to be correct.

“Well you’ve found me, sorry I’ve been a bit MIA all night. I needed to talk about… something with Hazel.” The tone of Phil’s voice remained suspiciously casual. Dan was hoping for an awkward response to match his slightly flustered expression.

“That’s ok Phil. But would it be okay if I stole you for the rest of the night? I want to spend time with my best friend. Wanna go to the balcony?”

Phil nodded. “Alright, but I’m just going to say this now; people will notice if you try to throw my body out the window.”

Dan rolled his eyes fondly and grabbed Phil’s hand, leading him to the balcony. What a dork.

Dan and Phil had been chatting idly for the past few minutes, the conversation flowing easily.

“So what’s your New Year’s Resolution, Phil?” Phil smiled cheekily.

“That’s got to be… your mum!”  Dan shoved Phil lightly on the arm, feigning anger. His laughter wasn’t helping his cause.

“No, seriously!” Dan said after he finally stopped laughing. “I want to know.”

Phil looked into Dan’s eyes, all traces of playfulness gone from his expression.

“To let go of a secret I’ve been keeping for too long.”

“Ok Phil, if you’ve killed someone I really don’t want to be a part of it. Murder is not in our branding.”

Phil chuckled lightly.

  Beautiful. 

“It’s not murder! You’ll find out eventually.” Phil shook his head at Dan, still smiling.

The comfortable silence that settled over them was interrupted by the muffled chants of the guests in the room over.

10!

Dan gulped.

9!

This was it.

8!

The possible start to a life with Phil as his boyfriend.

7!

Was he ready for this?

6!

Yes.

5!

Phil looked beautiful in the light of the balcony.

4!

It was time.

3!

Dan leaned in.

2!

It looked like Phil was leaning in too.

1!

Dan closed his eyes.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Dan’s lips met nothing. What? Dan opened his eyes to see Phil jumping up and down giddily at the sight of the fireworks. The loud, popping sounds of them seemed to be mocking him. This was no time for celebration! How dare those fireworks, ruining his moment? Surely he would have kissed Phil if they hadn’t gone off, and Phil would have kissed him back and…

Who was he kidding?

It wasn’t their fault. He knew rejection and this was it. As if Phil would suddenly be so entranced by fireworks, something he’d seen every year of his life since he was a child. It was obvious what Dan was trying to do just seconds ago and Phil being the polite man he was, was pretending he didn’t notice what Dan was trying to do in order to spare Dan’s feelings.

Dan was pathetic.

“Aren’t they beautiful Dan?”

Dan looked at his best friend’s smiling face and pushed his feelings of hurt to one side.

“Yeah. They are.”

Dan walked back into his lounge room, mentally scolding himself for thinking someone as amazing as Phil Lester could ever have loved him back. What a joke. Well, now that the plan failed Dan could just move on from his unrequited crush of nearly ten years and find someone new. That sure would be a walk in the park, especially since Dan lived with said crush! Dan seriously wanted to be swallowed up by a hole in the ground and never return.

Phil was talking to Hazel again, not that Dan was watching or anything. Of course she was. Hazel was the one Phil liked, not him. It was weird, it really did look like Hazel was scolding Phil for something. He looked like an adorable dejected puppy.

Wait, Dan wasn’t supposed to be having those thoughts anymore.

He looked like an average-looking man who Dan had no romantic feelings for whatsoever. Much better.

The definitely average-looking man pouted at Hazel as she leaned in to whisper something in his ear. She was probably telling him off for spending the countdown to the new year with Dan instead of her. They probably would have kissed if Dan hadn’t practically forced Phil to the balcony with him. Dan’s stomach felt sick. He couldn’t look at this any longer.

He walked over to where he saw Louise sitting.

“Hey.” he said.

“Hello dear, did the plan work like I said it would? Yes?” Louise was practically squealing with excitement, her eyes looking almost manic.

“What do you think?” Dan shook his head sadly.

Louise looked more shocked than a man finding out he had a third penis.

“What? Is this some kind of sick joke? It’s not nice to trick people, you know!”

Dan sighed. “No, Louise. I’m serious. I tried to kiss him, and I swear I saw him leaning in too… but when I opened my eyes he’d moved away from me and was just fangirling over the fireworks. He sees them every year and never gets that excited! I know he was just doing it to spare my feelings.”

Louise chewed her lip, obviously thinking about something hard.

There was silence for a few seconds.

“Well, that’s a real bummer. Do text me about it, love? I’ve got to go now, but thanks for having me.”

And with that Dan was left alone again, confused as to why all his conversations with Louise that night had ended with her suspiciously and very abruptly rushing off.

Two hours later and all the guests from the party were gone. Finally. As great as his friends were, being around that many people at one time and in such a small area was way too much for Dan. Parties were literally just a very concentrated form of socialising and as a result Dan couldn’t handle them well.

He picked up what was probably his fiftieth piece of streamer off the ground and heaved a sigh of relief. It looked like it was the last one.

“Well looks like that’s it! Let’s never have a party again.” Dan declared.

“Yeah, tell me about it. I think it’s already…” Phil paused mid-sentence to look at his watch. “-3am! I was right! These things take so long to clean up after.”

Had it really been that long? Three whole hours since the most gut-wrenching moment of Dan’s life. What a lovely thought.

“Oh god? That late? I think I’m going to go sleep. Night Phil.” Dan began tying the bin bag of streamers in his hands up, preparing to sleep indefinitely and forget everything that had happened.

“Wait. Dan.” Dan stopped in his tracks.

Phil sounded really nervous all of a sudden.

“Yes?”

“I think I’m ready to tell you my secret now.” Phil wiped his palms on his jeans.

Dan was very interested now. He’d been dying to know Phil’s secret since he mentioned it on the balcony. It had only been three hours though.

“Go on.”

“I’m in love with you, and have been since we met.”

What. The. Fuck.

“And I hate myself for rejecting you when you tried to kiss me. I wasn’t expecting it! Everything I’d been dreaming of was happening all at once, and so… I pretended to be really interested in the fireworks so you’d think I was just too distracted by them to notice you were trying to kiss me. I thought it would make it less awkward. I’m sorry.”

His best friend looked so sincere, and so adorably worried. Dan wanted to kiss the frown off his cute little face.

“You’re telling me, that you- the man I’ve been wildly in love for the last nine years- has felt the same way as me the whole time?”

“Well, yeah… wait, the man who you’ve what now?” Phil’s eyes were wider than Dan had ever seen them.

Dan took a big step closer to Phil and leant in to whisper in his ear.

“The man I’m in love with.”

Dan was nowhere near prepared for what happened next. Phil suddenly grabbed the back of Dan’s head, pulling him in close. Phil pushed his lips against Dan’s with vigour, years of repressed feelings coming to the surface. Dan kissed back equally as passionately, still not quite believing this was real life. His eyes opened in shock when he let out a soft moan, surprising himself but clearly not Phil as his friend just used this to advantage by slipping his tongue into Dan’s mouth. As much as Dan wanted to continue, there were still a few questions bugging him. With all the willpower he had, he forced himself to pull away from Phil, eliciting a cute huff from the older man.

“Wait, before we continue; were you talking to Hazel the whole night because of me? And was Louise involved in this too by any chance?” Dan looked inquisitively at his now more-than-a-friend’s face.

Phil went red.

“Hazel may have been psyching me up to confess my feelings to you and kiss you at midnight. And Louise may have known about my feelings too, ever since I told her five years ago.”

“Fucking called it. Lou was acting weird all night!” Dan muttered, smiling at the adorable man in front of him.

“Tell me about it! She was being all suspicious when I tried to back out of kissing you at midnight, AND I had to endure a scolding session from her and Hazel when they found out I chickened out.”

“Ugh, so much wasted time. We could have been doing this,” Dan pressed a soft kiss to the corner of Phil’s lips, “for nine years.”

Phil smirked.

“Well we better make up for lost time then, huh?”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: needed to write some fluff after that pile of angst, served cold I just posted. hope this was cute 

[philsdrill]

Chapter 39: Sometimes It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

Fic Summary: “Everyone had a link with their soulmates, some could hear some of their partners thoughts, some had a tattoo that would appear with their partners name; for me, I knew when they got sick.” For a while Phil has thought that his soulmate might have an eating disorder and doesn’t expect to meet him in the restaurant where he works.

Genre: a lot of fluff, recovery, really fucking domestic, waiter!Phil

Warnings: eating disorders, anorexia, bulimia, hospitals, panic attacks, references to past abuse, mentions of suicide, mentions of self-harm, a lot of awkwardness, small amounts of smut. This is potentially triggering so for your own sake, please think twice about reading if anything this might affect you.

Disclaimer: I don’t have personal experience with eating disorders, but have done some research. If I have anything about them wrong, feel free to send me an ask and I’ll sort it out.

Word Count (for this part): 8.7k

[Uploads will be hopefully every couple of weeks! (follow @philsdrill-updates to hear when I post)]

A/N: It’s a long chapter so it took me a long time, okay. Partially due to the fact I went to Canada for a week and was super busy (featuring jetlag, dehydration and murdering my feet by walking too far)! It was a good time but it kinda put my writing behind by a week. Hope you enjoy!

MASTERPOST

<= Previous Chapter

Dan’s POV:

I never thought I’d find myself working in a café, not after all my issues with food, but here I was. Phil was friends with one of the staff and when he heard they were looking for an extra employee, he wondered if this would be a good opportunity for me. I didn’t even know what I was looking for in terms of a job, but when Phil said his friend was willing to give me a couple of shifts as a trial, I realised there was no harm in trying.

The probationary shifts went well. I found that I was perfectly capable of making and serving sugary coffees and cakes, so long as I wasn’t eating them. In a way, it made me feel a little better about myself, that what I was eating was pretty good in comparison. I occasionally found the doughnuts staring back at me from the counter, but at least I knew to expect them being there. Surprise doughnuts were another story, but when I turned around expecting to see them, I wouldn’t really feel anxious.

Thankfully, my anxiety had been manageable and my new job hadn’t given me anything to be anxious about so far. Phil’s college was just along the road, so sometimes when he had breaks from his cooking classes he would come along to have his lunch or just a coffee. Sometimes I’d be able to have my lunch with him, but not always. Lunch was a busy time and my breaks depended on the shifts and the other staff I was on with. It was quite calming to know he was just five minutes away if I did happen to need him and I think he felt better too, knowing I was nearby.

The other staff were lovely and I’d even go so far as to say I’d made a couple of friends. I usually worked with Sarah and Andy, or at least one of them was usually on the same shift as me. They were both kind people, and I was slowly opening up to them about some of my issues. Sarah, being Phil’s friend that had helped get me the job, already knew about my eating disorder and was nothing but supportive about it from the beginning.

There was one day, when I wasn’t quite feeling like eating, that the prospect of finishing my ham and lettuce sandwich was just too much. I’d eaten almost half of it, but with every bite I took, I felt a little more nauseous, my skin crawling at the thought of the greasy butter that I could feel on my tongue. I didn’t think twice about tossing the rest of it in the food waste, presuming Sarah was too busy working to notice.

“Dan?” she looked up, making eye contact with me and laying a plate down, “You okay? You not eating?”

“No more, can’t do it today,” I said, feeling my words get caught in my throat a little, “Eating makes me feel a bit sick sometimes.”

“How much did you have?” she asked, flipping the lid up on the bin to take a look, “Half?”

“Yeah,” I nodded, filled with a sudden fear that she was going to make me eat more.

“That’s okay,” she nodded, squeezing my arm a little, “Did you have something to drink?”

I shook my head, realising that no, I hadn’t.

“What d’you like? A can of something? Hot chocolate? Blackcurrant squash?” she prompted.

“Uhh blackcurrant squash would be good,” I said, not bothering to think what else I could have; that sounded the best option out of what she suggested.

“Okay great,” she said, getting out a glass and the bottle of squash, making it up for me, “Now go grab a chair from the back and bring it in here.”

I went to get a chair, appreciating the effort she was making to ensure I was okay. As I carried the chair, I felt a bit weak; I knew I really should eat more, but that wasn’t going to help my mental block on doing so.

“Sit down,” she said softly, “Now here’s your juice.”

I sat down on the chair and took the juice from her, starting to sip on it slowly. I wasn’t too bothered by the flavour, but it washed away the buttery sandwich remains from my mouth, something that I welcomed a lot. Part of me was itching to get the bottle and look at the sugar content, but I could feel Sarah keeping an eye on me.

Sarah handed the plate she’d been working on through the front to Andy, then turned back to me. “How’re you doing with that juice?”

“Good,” I nodded, “I think it’s helping ‘cause I don’t feel like I have sandwich in my mouth anymore.”

“Okay good,” she smiled, “Think that’ll keep you going for the afternoon?”

“Hopefully,” I nodded, knowing that my body probably did need more food, but it had coped on less before, so I knew I could do it.”

That afternoon had been a difficult one as I went through various stages of having energy from my juice, then a gap where I felt tired and awful. I wasn’t meant to have a break but Andy made me a hot chocolate and sent me through the back drink it. Thankfully, I made it through the rest of my shift alright, and by dinnertime I was actually feeling up to eating properly again. I’d let Phil know of my struggle, just to keep him in the loop with my mental wellbeing. So far, that had been the only day where my eating disorder had had any effect on me at work.

There was another day where I opened up to Andy about my anxiety. Not long before ten, we had a customer, who came in, ordered a coffee so sit in and sat down in the corner of the cafe it drink it. Being a quiet spell, I found my eyes wandering slightly, not necessarily intending to watch the customer, but doing so anyway. The woman took some pills with her coffee, maybe paracetamol or something, but I didn’t see the packet. I was hit with a sudden realisation, one of those ‘oh shit I forgot something’ moments. I’d forgotten to take my medication this morning.

In realising this, my eyes remained on the customer, my mind elsewhere but my eyes staring at her. Andy must’ve noticed this because they waved a hand in front of my face, “Dan, you okay? You’re staring?”

“Uhhmm… I…” I said, feeling at a loss about what to tell them, “I just realised I forgot to take my medication this morning.”

“D’you need it urgently or is it something you’ll be okay without until later?” Andy asked, their voice calming.

“I think I’ll be okay, but I should text Phil to let him know,” I explained, feeling I needed Phil’s assurance that I would be okay.

“Right, go through the back and text him or whatever,” Andy nodded, “I’m good out here on my own for five minutes.”

I made my way through the kitchen and into the back room, where we left our outdoor clothes and took our breaks. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and opened up a new message to Phil.

Umm I just realised I forgot to take my medication this morning. I’ll be fine without it, right?

Shortly after the message sending, I noticed that Phil was typing.

Yeah, you should be fine! but I have a free hour next so how about I drive home, get it and bring it to you?

Feeling a wave of relief at the thought of taking my medication like I should have, I replied to Phil quickly.

That would be great if you don’t mind? I guess I’m just worried I’ll get withdrawal symptoms or be more prone to having an attack because I havent had it

I hit send, waiting for a confirmation that Phil definitely didn’t mind going to get it for me.

It’s fine, honestly :) I’ll see you in like half an hour

Relieved, I slid my phone back into my pocket and made my way back to the front counter, where I let Andy know the news, “Phil’s got a free hour at college next so he’s going to pop home and bring it here for me.”

“Okay great,” Andy smiled, “That’ll stop you worrying.”

“Yeah,” I nodded, relieved.

“Are you sick or something then if you’re taking medication?” Andy asked slowly, a slightly puzzled expression on their face, “Sorry if its personal, you can ignore me.”

“Not really,” I answered, thinking for a minute; I trusted Andy, so there was no reason I couldn’t just tell them the truth, “I have an anxiety disorder and mild PTSD.”

“Oh… Dan…” Andy said, sounding sorry for me, approaching me with open arms.

I let Andy hug me for a moment, appreciating the little bit of comfort after just telling them such a big thing.

“My uh... ex-girlfriend was verbally abusive about my weight,” I explained, trying to get my head around what I wanted to tell them, “I got out of it when it started to go physical, but I was already in a bad place by then. You know about my eating issues, but I sometimes get flashbacks about her and things she said or did… and then general anxiety about my weight, food, eating habits and even things like stress and big life changes.”

I felt some tears welling in my eyes as I opened up to Andy about my problems. It wasn’t something I’d talked about to anyone other than my therapist, and mine and Phil’s families. I took a deep breath and rubbed my left eye with my thumb, trying to appear stronger than I was feeling.

“Dan,” Andy said softly, “Are you okay? Like at this moment?”

“I’m fine,” I said, my voice cracking, “I just want a hug from Phil.”

“He’ll be here soon,” Andy reminded me, squeezing my shoulder slightly, “You want to go take a seat and get yourself a glass of water, as we’re quiet?”

“I’ll get some water,” I said, not really wanting to leave the front counter in case Phil was early.

I grabbed a clean mug and filled it from the tap, leaning against a clear part of the counter to drink it. I took a few deep breaths to calm me, reminding myself that it was okay that Andy knew, in fact it was probably a good idea for me to have opened up to someone at work about my anxiety problems.

Andy must’ve sensed when I was ready to talk again, because soon a carefully worded question came my way, “Has working here affected your anxiety at all, with you having issues with food?”

“It’s okay most of the time because I’m not the one eating it,” I explained, “The only thing which bothers me is the doughnuts, had a bad experience with them, but I can deal with it.”

“You’ll let me know if you ever start to feel anxious while you’re working, right?” Andy asked, “I can’t say for sure I can help, but I’ll do my best. I understand anxiety to some extent, having struggled with my own mental health.”

“I’ll try,” I said truthfully, knowing I would be able to unless I was just suddenly hit by a panic attack, “If anything happens, I’m sure you’ll know about it.”

“Thanks, I’d like to be able to help if you need it,” Andy nodded, taking the empty mug from my slightly shaking hands and refilling it.

When Phil arrived, we’d just hit a busy spell, where Andy and I were both serving customers. Phil looked like he didn’t quite know whether to stand in line or wait around somewhere. When I spotted his confusion, I waited for the momentary gap between two customers and shouted to him just to head through the back, pointing to the ‘staff only’ door at the back of the café. It would take him through to the breakroom come cloakroom, which I would access through the kitchen.

After serving my next customer, Andy told me to go, insisting that they could deal with the remaining customers. I made my way through the kitchen to the back room, briefly explaining to Sarah on the way, as I grabbed myself a glass of water to take my tablet with.

Phil was sat on a chair near to my coat, my box of antidepressants on his knee. He patted the chair next to him for me to come over, “You’ve got some water, good.”

I sat next to Phil and leaned into his side for a moment before taking my medication from him.

“Are you okay?” Phil asked me, sliding an arm around my shoulders, “You seem a bit… jittery?”

“I kind of ended up explaining about my anxiety to Andy and they were good with it, but it was just difficult for me to say, I guess…” I explained, “C-can I get a hug?”

“Of course,” Phil said, softly, his expression going a little gooey. He set my medication and water down on the table, before wrapping his arms around me completely. I rested my head on his shoulder for a moment, enjoying his comforting smell, the feeling of his body wrapped around me, holding me close. I felt warm and safe in his arms, felt that everything would be okay... and that was just what I needed.

I could always hug Phil for longer, but I knew I had medication to take and a job to get back to, so reluctantly, I pulled away and got down to taking my tablet. Pop it out the packet, swallow it, wash it down with water, it was all routine by now. I sighed as I laid the empty glass down on the table, leaning back in the chair to enjoy my last moment before I inevitably had to get back to work.

We finished our exchange with another hug, and a promise from Phil that he would come by at lunchtime. It was comforting to see him again, but at the end of the day, I was fine. It felt good to know that not only was Phil nearby when I was working, but I now had Andy in the loop. They understood to an extent and would help me with my anxiety if it came up at work.

--

Once he had settled into college and his cooking classes, Phil found that he still had the time to work the odd shift at the restaurant. He had become supply cover now, one of the people his boss would phone up if someone else called off sick or they couldn’t find someone to cover a shift. He had no obligation to take a shift, but he often would presuming he had the time.

Although I was working pretty much full time now, we were still getting financial help from our parents. My parents had reduced their contribution now that I was working, but Phil was getting some help from his now as he was at college and only able to work some of the time. It felt good to know that I was capable of earning a steady income, and I knew that if Phil and I were both working, we could be self sufficient.

For the time being, our schedules were more or less aligned. Phil’s schedule varied a bit, but he was in classes Monday to Friday, give or take the odd day here and there. I too usually worked Monday ‘til Friday, nine until five, but I’d get a short day once a week. Apart from the odd time Phil took on a work shift, it gave us all of our evenings and weekends together. It was good for us to have that kind of schedule, because we got into a better routine with getting up, eating dinner and going to bed at more or less the same time each day. Phil would still crash when he came home from work, but in general he seemed less tired.

I was still attending my therapist appointments regularly and whilst I still wasn’t in a completely stable mental state, I would say I was doing the best I had in awhile. I still had little anxious moments, times I’d need to take five minutes here and there to calm myself, but I found my beta-blocker medication rarely moved from my coat pocket these days. I knew I still couldn’t be without it; something could still trigger a panic attack, but it was nice to be feeling a bit better overall. I had people I could talk to and trust if anything got too much and my life had fallen into a routine where there wasn’t much that could overwhelm me.

--

I guess it was a given that something would happen eventually, that someday my anxiety would catch up with me at work, however, I didn’t expect it to happen in the way that it did.

You get into a routine of serving customers, some want coffee, some want sandwiches, but the motions are mostly the same. Occasionally someone asks for something you’ve run out of and you have to explain apologetically, would they like something else? Sometimes you get elderly confused people who come in looking for lipstick and you just have to smile and suggest the nearest pharmacy instead.

Some people are regulars and others you never see again, but you never expect to see the people from your past who you hoped you’d never see again. On the day in question, I was working with with Sarah, Andy and Ben. Andy was working from nine to three and Ben from twelve until six. Shifts varied, but it was always important to cover the lunch rush.

Ben and I had been non stop serving coffees for a while, putting the sandwich orders back into the kitchen for Andy and Sarah to make up. Coffees, cakes, sandwiches, cold drinks; everyone would order something different and it could sometimes get a little overwhelming. Even at two-thirty, we still had a queue. My coping mechanism was to focus solely on the person at the front and getting through their order as quickly and efficiently as I could. I didn’t really have much glimpse of who was behind until I called ‘next’ and the next person stepped forwards.

I finished making a man a latte and passed it out to him, calling forward the next person in the queue and looking up to see who it was next. I felt so much shock, so much fear, the instant I saw her face. Face coated in makeup, framed by greasy brown hair. I’d once thought she was beautiful, but now I wanted to throw up just by looking at her.

“Can I get a cappuccino and a chocolate doughnut please?” she asked, her voice almost mocking.

I’m surprised her order even reached my ears, but I managed to put my hands and feet on autopilot and get through the motions of making her a cappuccino and getting a doughnut out of the cabinet. Meanwhile, my heart was pounding, my chest felt tight and I was definitely struggling to breathe as I told her her total at the cash register.

“That’s four pounds forty nine,” I told her, choking slightly on the ‘nine’ and having to repeat myself.

She handed over a five pound note, which I took with shaking hands and put into the till, grabbing her fifty-one pence change. As I dropped it into her hand, something went wrong, my hand shook and jolted, touching hers for just a fraction of a second. That hand had pointed at various parts of my body, poked me in the stomach and slapped me in the face. I couldn’t be near her and now that I had finished serving her, my only logical thought was to get out of here.

I stumbled through the kitchen to the back room, where I collapsed into the chair nearest my coat. Medication, I needed my medication. Fumbling through the pockets, I found it eventually, bringing the tub out of my pocket and grasping it in my hand. I needed water, why hadn’t I thought of that. I needed water to take these. My throat felt tight and that would make it hard enough to get them down.

I barely even noticed I was sobbing as flashbacks started to intrude my mind, particularly one of her holding an empty doughnut box, a look of pure evil on her face. “What the fuck, you fat imbecile. You ate my entire box of doughnuts - you were fat enough already, you worthless piece of flab! Do you not understand the meaning of my doughnuts?”

Then another one, from earlier in our relationship, when unknowingly, things were starting to go downhill. “Dan, maybe you should go to the gym more. Like wouldn’t sex be better if you had a little more stamina, maybe lose a little weight and you’ll be hot as fuck.”

“Dan, I’m not letting you be on top again until you lose some weight, you’re crushing me.”

“Dan, you don’t really need breakfast when you ate so much for dinner…”

“Please stop eating all my snacks, Dan, it’s not good for you.”

“I’m not having sex with you until you’re under sixty kilos.”

At the time, when I thought I loved her, I thought she was just trying to do what was good for me. It wasn’t until she slapped me in the face that it hit me, literally. She’d yelled so much that day, I could still hear it ringing in my ears.

What the actual fuck Dan?

Get the fuck out of my life.

Confusion hit me as a voice broke through the yelling. No one had been there to break it up; it was just me and her to fight it out.

“Dan,” a voice repeated, softly, “Dan, you there?”

It was Andy, I realised as I opened one of the eyes I had scrunched shut in trying to protect myself. They were crouched next to me, looking concerned, lips moving but I wasn’t getting half of what they were saying.

“Dan, are you hearing me?” they asked, this time enough words getting through for me to understand.

“A little,” I choked, nodding.

“Dan, try and take a deep breath or two, okay. What do you need?” they said, slowly moving their hand so it was within grabbing distance of mine.

“Water, these, ‘n’ Phil,” I choked out, opening my hand a little to show my tub of pills.

“Okay, two seconds,” Andy said, hurrying to the kitchen door and shouting something in to Sarah.

“Sarah’s on the water,” Andy said, returning to pull a chair over next to me, “You want to get your tablet out?”

Nodding, I started trying to open the tub in my hands, but with how much I was shaking, it was a struggle. A frustrated sob burst from my throat as I fought with the lid. I couldn’t do it; I couldn’t.

“Dan, can I help?” Andy asked, their hand slowly approaching mine, “Here.”

I let Andy take my medication from me, trusting them to get it out the tub so I could take it. As they were opening the tub, Sarah walked in, holding a mug of water and approaching slowly.

Andy beckoned her over, at the same time depositing a pill into my shaking hand, “Is it just one?”

Nodding, I lifted the pill to my mouth and reached out to Sarah for the mug of water. I let Andy help me with it, because I was completely past the point of trying to do things by myself. I choked a little on the tablet as I swallowed it, but there seemed to be a helping hand rubbing my back as I washed it down.

“Please stop eating all my snacks, Dan, it’s not good for you.”

I shook my head frantically, trying to get her voice out of my head again.

“Please talk,” I croaked to Sarah and Andy, “I need to hear something else.”

“Okay, Dan, we’re going to call Phil now,” Andy started, their voice soothing, “Sarah, could you maybe do that? You’ve got Phil’s number, right?”

Sarah nodded, turning back towards the kitchen, “Of course, yeah.”

“Dan,” Andy continued, “D’you think you could focus on your breathing or is that too hard?”

“Too hard,” I nodded, feeling like I was using all of my mental strength to keep a certain voice out of my head and that I couldn’t realistically focus on anything else.

“Keep sipping your water then,” Andy nodded, rubbing their hand up and down my back, probably as I hadn’t pushed it away. “You’re going to be okay. I’m guessing you can’t really talk about it right now, but you’re safe back here. Sarah’s calling Phil and hopefully he can get down here.”

“What if he can’t get out of class?” I asked, suddenly feeling another wave of overwhelming panic at the thought of Phil not being able to come and help me.

“Phil’s on his way, don’t worry,” Sarah said, poking her head through the door again, “He was in a theory class, so it wasn’t a problem.”

The five minutes that followed were all a blur. Sarah brought me a mug of diluting juice once I’d finished my water and Andy continued to speak to me and rub my back. I was still panicking, chest tight, breathing hard, tears running down my cheeks, but they were keeping me from getting any worse, keeping my mind from any further flashbacks.

When Phil appeared, out of breath, Andy quickly gave up their seat for him. He plopped himself next to me and immediately decided to free me of my apron and my top shirt button. He shed his coat and placed it gently on my shoulders, pushing my hair back off my face. Although his breathing was fast from rushing, I could feel him trying to slow his movements.

“Dan,” Phil said, his voice soothing, slipping his hand between the buttons of my shirt, “What happened? I know you’re having a panic attack and that you’ve taken your medication, but what triggered it.”

“N-no,” I choked, struggling to get her name out.

“No?” Phil questioned softly, “Would be easier to help you if I knew.”

“Nora,” I spluttered, pointing in the direction of the cafe, “Came in, had to get her coffee and doughnut.”

“Okay,” Phil nodded, “You’re safe back here though; I need you to focus on that. It’s just me and Andy in here, no one’s going to hurt you, you’ve got space to breathe.”

I felt the fingers of Phil’s other hand brush over mine, then he gently curled my hand up within his, “Your medication’s going to help you soon, but I need you to keep breathing until then. Want me to do it with you?”

I nodded, feeling too tired to answer in words. I felt Phil undo a button on my shirt, then spread his hand out more. He would tell me to breathe in and he would slowly count for a few seconds, then I would hold my breath, then I would breathe out. The familiarity of the exercise was somewhat comforting; I could focus on one thing at a time and I knew that Phil was ready with the next. I eventually started to fall into a rhythm, started to understand what was coming next. I didn’t stop until Phil stopped, until he was satisfied I had my breathing steady enough. It wouldn’t be perfect, not until my medication slowed my heart rate back to normal.

“One. Two. Three. Four,” Phil paused, “And out…”

When Phil stopped counting my breathing, I relaxed into his side, thankful, but not quite able to express it yet.

“You’re okay Dan, you’re okay,” Phil said, bringing his arms around me in a hug, “Just relax now.”

--

Phil’s POV:

When Sarah had called me during class, I knew something was wrong. She quickly told me that Dan was having a panic attack and that he needed me. I was pleased to hear he’d managed to take his medication, but getting myself to him was a top priority of mine. I quickly excused myself from my class, explaining to my tutor, Mark, that my soulmate needed me urgently.

Knowing I couldn’t really park any nearer to the cafė, I left the car at the college and ran to where Dan worked. Okay, I was a bit out of breath on arrival, but I was able to help him all the same. Hearing that Nora had appeared was a bit of a shock, but I guess it was kind of inevitable that she’d make an appearance again in his life at some point.

Now that I’d helped him calm his breathing, he was cuddled into my side, still shaking, but on the mend. I leant down to kiss him on the forehead, feeling like he was needing a little extra love. What he really needed was his bed, but I wasn’t quite sure if that was possible yet.

“Could you maybe make Dan a hot chocolate?” I asked his colleague and friend, Andy, “No cream or marshmallows, in a takeaway cup.”

“Of course,” Andy nodded, giving us a small smile and heading through the door into the kitchen, “Give me two minutes.”

I kept hugging Dan until Andy returned, when my duties changed to helping him drink hot chocolate. His hands were shaking, hence my request of a takeaway cup, but if I didn’t help, he was going to get it all down his chin and probably all over his shirt. Dan had his left hand on the cup, I had my right, and between us, we managed to get the drink safely to his mouth. It was never a skill I thought I’d develop, being a pro at helping my soulmate drink out of a cup or glass, but here I was. He needed the help sometimes and I was happy to give it to him.

I knew the hot drink would help him, give him a bit of warmth, a bit of sugar. His body was going to need a lot more than that to recover though. Ideally, he needed to go home, lie down and get some sleep, but he was meant to be working for another two hours.

Looking to Andy for help, I asked my question, “Is there anyone who can take the rest of his shift? I think he really should go home.”

“I'll do it,” Andy said, “I was meant to be finishing up the now, but don’t worry about it.”

“Are you sure?” I asked, to be polite, “You've already done so much.”

“It's fine, honestly,” Andy nodded, “I don't mind working another couple of hours.”

Dan looked like he was about to protest, but Andy shut him up before he could get there, “Dan, Phil’s right, I think you should go home. I really don't mind finishing your shift.”

“Okay,” Dan said, still sounding a little weak, taking the last sip of his hot chocolate, then nuzzling further into my side, “Thank you.”

“Phil,” Dan started after a while, “D’you think you’d recognise her? Could you check if she’s still in the cafe? I don’t think I could leave with her still here. I feel kinda trapped.”

“Yeah, I remember her from halloween,” I nodded, “Can we not use the back door?”

Dan looked up at Andy questioningly, clearly needing the authority of someone who had been here a bit longer, “I don’t see why not, but I’ll go and check with Ben.”

“Thanks,” I said to Andy, as they made their way to the kitchen.

Andy came back with the news that yes, we could leave via the backdoor. This came as quite a relief to Dan, as although he was not fully recovered, he was desperate to go. As Dan was already half wearing my coat, I helped him get his arms into it and zipped it up in front of him. I lifted his coat off his hook and put it on myself; it was a bit of a tight fit, but I wasn’t going to steal his warmth.

“You look after yourself Dan, get some rest, and let me know if you’d rather stay home tomorrow because I can take the shift,” Andy said to Dan, putting their arms around him in a loose hug.

Andy’s hug only lasted about a second, then they moved away giving me a small smile, “I know you take good care of him, Phil; make sure he makes the right decision about tomorrow.”

Andy opened the back door for us, and with an arm around Dan, we made our way outside. We said goodbye to Andy, me thanking them so much for all they had done to help Dan. We made our way along the alley that ran behind the shops, not stopping until we had rounded the corner. It was Dan who had stopped first, turning into me for another hug.

Bringing my arms around him and my face up next to his, I mumbled to him, “Something wrong?”

“Just felt I needed another hug, maybe couldn’t lose myself in it so much with Andy there,” Dan mumbled, shakily exhaling against my neck.

“I get that; you said sh-they get jealous of guys hugging, right? That you don’t want to make h-them feel down about it?” I said, stumbling a bit over the pronouns I wasn’t quite used to using.

“Yeah,” Dan nodded, “Andy’s mostly chill with hugging people, but I think they crave the feeling of hugging as a flat chested person. I can’t completely understand, but generally I try to avoid doing anything super masculine or bringing up anything that’ll make them feel feminine or uncomfortable.”

“Speaking of uncomfortable, how are you feeling?” I asked Dan, noticing that he was a bit more talkative.

“Shaky, tired, still a bit scared and shaken up, but alive,” Dan told me, sighing.

“Well let’s get you home and we can either talk about it or I can let you sleep, whatever you want,” I nodded, knowing we would need to figure out what was best for him first. “The car’s still up at the college so we’ve got a little walk, but I think you can do it.”

“Just stick with me, yeah?” Dan asked, a little uncertainly.

“Of course,” I said, giving him a little squeeze, “I’m not going to leave you even for two seconds at the moment.”

As we pulled apart our hug, I found Dan’s hand, interlocking our fingers and giving it a squeeze, “I’m right here.”

We set off walking, back to my college, back to our car, hands joined, shoulders brushing as we stuck as close together as we could. Dan’s hand was a little shaky, a little clammy, and he himself was quite quiet, but I knew he’d be okay, he just needed some privacy and some rest.

On reaching the car, I opened the passenger door for Dan and kept supporting him, with a hand on his back, until he was settled in the seat. I quickly hurried around the front of the car and joined him inside, ready to take him home.

I did the reverse process when we arrived at our flat, opening his door and joining hands again once he was out. We got up the stairs fine, with there not being so many of them these days, but I could see it was still a bit of a struggle.

As I unlocked the door, I gave Dan a couple of instructions so he didn’t go straight off to bed without taking care of himself, “Go and get changed into something comfy, go to the bathroom or whatever you need to do and come to the sofa. I’m gonna get some water and a couple of other things and I’ll meet you there.”

I left Dan at our bedroom door, knowing he would manage to get sorted out by himself. I made my way to the kitchen, filling a mug with water for Dan and flicking the kettle on in case he decided he wanted some tea later.

I sat the water down on a table by the couch, then went to retrieve a blanket from the comfy chair across the room. I couldn’t think of anything else to get him; that would depend how he was feeling. Maybe he’d need paracetamol, maybe he’d want a bath, but I felt he’d probably want to go straight to bed.

“Hey,” I greeted Dan, as he arrived in pyjamas and a hoodie, “Come sit down, let’s talk about how you’re feeling?”

“Not the best,” Dan mumbled, settling himself between my legs.

“Right, let’s start with how you’re feeling physically? Tired? Sore? Shaky?” I prompted him, pulling up the blanket and trying to make sure he was comfortable.

“A little shaky, tired, but I can deal with that,” Dan told me, relaxing into me a little.

“And mentally?” I asked slowly, “D’you want to sit and have a chat for a little bit?”

“That would be good,” Dan nodded, sighing, “I still feel really on edge. I kind of feel like I want to talk to my therapist but she’s probably busy and you’re here so…”

“If you want to call her and see I can help?” I suggested, wanting to do what I could.

“I’m not sure I’m honestly in a state to speak to anyone else,” Dan mumbled indecisively.

“Will I do for the moment and you can maybe call her, say tomorrow when you’re feeling up to it?” I suggested.

“Yeah, that would be good,” Dan nodded, pulling the blanket up to his chin, “Could you pass me that water?”

As Dan took a few sips of water, I thought about what I was going to ask him. I knew that Nora had come in for a coffee and a doughnut, that he’d clearly had a panic attack and taken his medication, but I didn’t know where his mind was during the whole process.

I started the conversation gently by asking Dan if he’d managed to make the coffee for her, how much he had managed before he fled to the back. I was impressed to hear that he’d managed to make her the coffee, get her the doughnut and even do the transaction and change. We then went onto his feelings as he’d gone about that: the utter panic, the realisation that his body was able to go through the motions of making a cappuccino without his mind really being there.

We had to take a break in the conversation, as when Dan started to explain where his mind was during the first few minutes he spent in the back room, it got a bit too much for him to deal with again.

“Breathe,” I said, running my hand over his chest. “You need me to help you or are you okay?”

“M’okay,” Dan nodded, his chest rising and falling rather forcefully beneath my hand.

I stayed quiet while Dan focused on his breathing, letting him focus without distraction for a while. When I did start talking to him again, I decided against picking up where we left off. I had experienced enough of Dan's panic attack to piece together vaguely how he would have felt.

“I think you've maybe talked enough for today,” I said acknowledging his exhausted state, “Unless there's anything else you want to get off you mind?”

“I think I'm good,” Dan murmured, “Thanks for listening. I feel a lot better after talking to you.”

“I think we should get dinner early, maybe watch something and then you can go to bed early,” I suggested, resting my chin on his shoulder for a moment. “Does that sound good to you? I'm just thinking if you take a nap now, you might not sleep so well later.”

“Yeah sounds decent,” Dan agreed, “I think I can manage to stay awake a bit longer.”

“What do you want for dinner?” I asked, “Not got anything planned so it's your choice. What's going to make you feel good?”

Dan looked thoughtful for a minute, but eventually gave me an answer, “I’d like spaghetti? Just make a simple tomato sauce or something?”

“Okay, I can do that,” I nodded, glad he had picked out something quick and simple; it meant I could spend a bit longer just cuddling with him before I had to get up and make it. “I'll start making it at five.”

For the half hour or so that followed, I just sat with Dan, holding him in an embrace that was comforting for him but warm and cosy for both of us. I was glad he was okay, maybe still a little tired and wobbly, but okay.

When I got up to make dinner, I left him with a little kiss, only going as far as the kitchen, from where I could still see him. I set about boiling the kettle, weighing out the pasta, getting out the sauce ingredients. I could feel dan watching me, so every so often I would look up and give him a smile, a little acknowledgement that although I was cooking, yes I still cared about his presence.

We talked a little as I cooked, Dan filling me in on a couple of other, less dramatic things, that had happened earlier on in the day. I told him a little about my day at college; us sharing our days had become part of evening routine, something that helped us stay as close as we could as a couple.

When the pasta was ready, I served it into two bowls and joined Dan on the sofa with it. We usually ate at the table, a habit we’d gotten into in the early days because it was better for digestion, but I felt it really shouldn’t matter now with how good he’d had been doing lately.

We put a episode of a TV show on as we ate, slurping spaghetti but not talking over it. When we finished eating, we sat the bowls to the side and slowly started to curl up together again, the idea of cuddling being too tempting to resist. The TV show ended, so we put the next episode on, but it seemed that Dan gradually seemed to lose concentration, eyes fluttering shut, slowly falling asleep.

As he fell asleep, he fell away from me a little, so not wanting him to fall off the sofa, I managed to get up and let him have the space to himself. I’d let him sleep for a little bit while I sorted a few things out, but I think he really ought to get to bed. I retrieved Dan’s phone from the join in the cushions and thought about how he was doing in terms of working tomorrow. He really should text Andy tonight, and while he probably wouldn’t mind me doing it for him, I wanted to have his word first.

I pocketed his phone, hoping that would remind me to talk to him about it when I woke him up to get him ready for bed. I collected up our pasta bowls and drink glasses, taking them to the kitchen to put in the dishwasher. I got the sink filling to wash up the pasta pot, taking the opportunity to do it now as I knew I wouldn’t appreciate seeing it in the morning. When the sink was full and I shut the water off, I noticed a noise coming from behind me where Dan was; it sounded like choking. I spun around to see him appearing to choke on something in his sleep. I hurried out of the kitchen, grabbing our living room bin on the way because I had no idea what this situation was going to bring.

I rushed over to Dan, pulling him upright and getting his head forward over the bin. I made a judgement and thumped him on the back, hoping that would help because I had no idea what else to do. It must’ve been enough to dislodge the problem, because Dan threw up a little bit, still half asleep and confused.

I rubbed Dan’s back gently now, thankful he had stopped choking, but still feeling a tension there, “It’s okay if you need to throw up more; got a bin here for you.”

Dan mumbled something, but I didn’t catch it as he gagged and threw up a bit more. I continued to rub his back, hoping it was at least a little soothing.

When he appeared to have stopped struggling, I spoke softly, “Are you okay? You started choking in your sleep but I’m not sure why.”

Dan shrugged and looked down into the bin, gagging violently as he saw its contents.

“Dan, if I can help you to the bathroom, you won't have to look at that?” I suggested, knowing it would be best to get him in front of a toilet asap.

“Yeah, thanks,” Dan mumbled, giving me his hand so I could help him up.

With Dan on his feet, holding the bin, I steered him all the way along the hallway and through our bedroom to the ensuite. I left him for a moment to take the bin away to the other bathroom - I would deal with that later - but returned quickly.

I sat by Dan’s side, pushing his sleep hair off his forehead and resting a hand on his back. We were there for about twenty minutes, Dan managing to contain himself and eventually admitting he was feeling okay again. During this time I got him a glass of water, which he sipped slowly on, hopefully helping to soothe his throat and stomach.

We shuffled away from the toilet a little, still sitting on the floor as Dan was feeling a bit weak. I couldn’t quite understand what had caused him to choke and throw up, and neither could he. We eventually came on an idea that maybe he just hadn’t had enough time to digest his dinner properly before he fell asleep. Most people would be fine, but Dan’s stomach just wasn’t quite right sometimes; something that made it clear he was still in recovery.

“I think we should text Andy and ask if they can take your shift,” I said to Dan, “I’d just been thinking about texting them to say you’d make it, but I don’t think you should now.”

“I’ll be fine in the morning,” Dan tried to insist, his weakened voice not helping his case.

“Dan, you threw up, so until you can be absolutely sure you don't have norovirus or something, you're not setting foot in a kitchen,” I told him firmly, “Although we think its your ED, we can’t be sure, okay?”

Dan nodded quietly, making me realise I’d maybe sounded a bit harsh, but it was difficult for me not to with learning a lot of food hygiene in college.

“Sorry if that sounded harsh,” I said softly, not wanting to leave things like that, “I didn’t mean for it to come out so strong.”

I retrieved Dan’s phone from my pocket and opened up a new text to Andy. I typed out a message for him, making clear it was from me, but getting him to approve it.

Hey, it’s Phil. Could you maybe take Dan's shift for tomorrow? He was doing alright, but he just threw up his dinner and while it's probably just his ED recovery, it's probably best not to have him in a kitchen until we're sure.

Dan nodded his approval to the message and hit send himself, handing the phone back to me while we waited for a response.

Of course, I’ve got it covered. I hope he feels better, plenty of rest’ll do him good

It had only taken them a minute to reply, which was quite a relief as I wanted to get Dan to bed and we really needed to know the answer first. I read it out to him and he visibly relaxed, leaning into my side.

“Can we go to bed now?” Dan yawned, sounding so tired that he was almost on the verge of tears.

“Get your teeth brushed and pee and whatever, then yes,” I told him, “I’m going to email my tutor while you get ready, okay.”

I sat on the edge of the bath while Dan did what he needed to do, typing out an email to Mark, my college tutor.

Hi Mark, I think it's best that I don't attend tomorrow. My soulmate’s been sick; I suspect it's nothing contagious as he’s recovering from an eating disorder, but I think it's best to be on the safe side and not come into the kitchen. Will see you the day after, presuming all is well. Thanks, Phil

When Dan was finished, I followed him through the bedroom and helped him get settled into bed. I sat next to him, on my side of the bed, but I had a few things to do first before I would be ready to go to bed myself.

“Get some sleep, love,” I told him, leaning down to give him a goodnight kiss, “I’ll join you soon and I’ll see you in the morning.”

“You stayin’ ‘til I’m ‘sleep?” Dan mumbled.

“Yes, of course,” I nodded, running my hand down his duvet-shrouded side.

Dan didn’t say anything else after that, drifting off to sleep and snoring lightly, getting the rest that he needed.

When I was sure Dan would stay asleep, I got up to deal with the few things I had to get done. I finished cleaning the pot I had abandoned in the kitchen sink, I dealt with the bin Dan had been sick in, and finally I locked up. I got myself ready for bed quickly, making the decision to shower in the morning so that I wouldn’t disturb Dan’s sleep just now. I knew when I joined him in bed that I wouldn’t be able to get to sleep yet, so I sat with just my lamp on and read for a while. Dan was feeling fragile and staying with him when he was in a vulnerable state was very important to me.

--

The next day, Dan was absolutely fine, which was definitely a relief. We’d both stayed home as a precaution, but it proved to be nothing more than what we suspected.

With everything that had happened the previous day, I made sure that this one was calm and relaxed for Dan. In the morning we took a bath together, then throughout the day, I made sure that his diet was made up of simple things: toast, soup, fruit, and that we ate at the table like we usually did.

Dan just had his bad days now and then, that was something that just happened. Sometimes his anxiety would play up, sometimes his digestive system wouldn’t quite function correctly, but this time they came at once. It was a bit of an annoyance for him and put him in a bit of a low mental state for a few days, but as usual, he was okay, he got through it.

He made sure to speak to his therapist about the whole thing, another appointment which I joined him at for support. Having had a few days to process the events, he could now explain it well and I could tell that talking it through again to her helped him to get his thoughts in order.

We all hoped that Nora wouldn’t start to frequent the café, but we would look into options if it became a problem. This possibility would give Dan a little anxiety about going to work sometimes, but in one of his flashbacks she’d stated that she never wanted to see him again. That was something I would remind Dan of when he got down about it, the one memory of her which he didn’t actually mind recalling.

Next Chapter (Epilogue) =>

[kattdan]

Unbearable

Summary: Dan is sleep deprived and Phil is horny

Word count: 2.1k

Genre: fluffy smut, bottom!Phil, animal puns, reality/non-AU

Warnings: smut, grinding, swearing

a/n: Idk what this is, but it’s just for fun

Phil had been sitting patiently in bed, fiddling with his phone, waiting for Dan to come back from the bathroom for a good half hour. He let out an extraverted sigh and put the phone down on his night stand table.

”Dan!” He called, to no avail.

They had been very busy lately, with planning and arranging work things and filming videos in advance and going to meetings, and packing up their stuff for a fucking move on top of that. So they hadn’t exactly had time for each other lately, and Phil had been sexually frustrated for some time now. That’s why he’d made them both go to bed early tonight, just so he could seduce Dan and get his way without having to ask out loud. Dan, however, was not the quickest at getting ready for bed.

The hallway was dark outside his bedroom and he squinted his eyes to see if he could find a trace of Dan anywhere. Dan had been kind of giddy all evening and jumping around, cracking jokes and making them both laugh until they cried, probably sleep deprived to the max, so Phil wasn’t in the least surprised when he heard a low grunting sound coming from the top of the staircase.

He sighed and rolled his eyes, preparing for whatever charades Dan was up to next.

The next thing he heard were thuds against the carpeted floor of the hallway, and soon enough a dark figure of Dan’s body appeared before him, crawling on all fours.

“What are you doing,” Phil sighed, fondly.

“Roar!” Dan growled low in his throat and clawed at Phil’s direction.

“Oh my God, if it’s not the wild grizzly bear in it’s natural habitat, preparing to pounce at its prey!” Phil gasped, deciding to play along as there really was no way of stopping Dan anyway.

Soon Dan appeared in the doorway and continued crawling on all fours, eyeing Phil through squinted eyes and deep puffs of air.

“It appears as if the grizzly has set eyes on his prey, the dainty, pale gazelle, on top of a mountain, and is closing in slowly.” Phil narrated as Dan circled the bed slowly. He could see Dan suppress a snort at his description of the gazelle. He yelped as Dan suddenly reached out for his ankle.

“Oh no, he’s going in for an attack, but the gazelle got away!” He giggled as Dan crawled to the other side of the bed at full speed.

Dan let out another roar and jumped up onto the foot of the bed, slowly crawling towards Phil who scrambled to curl up against the headboard, all the while giggling hysterically.

“T-the gazelle is now trapped between a tree and the bear and the- ah, it’s not looking too bright for the poor thing!” Phil gasped as Dan took hold of his legs, pinning them down on the bed as he crawled closer with a wicked grin.

“Rawr!” He growled right in Phil’s ear, hands moving to pin his arms as he tried to struggle free.

“Noo, please Mr. Bear, have mercy!” Giggled Phil and felt a shudder as Dan’s lips brushed the nape of his neck. “Grizzly now ha-has the gazelle right where he wants it and is now munching down whatever flesh he can reach.”

“Mm,” Dan hummed as he bit down Phil’s neck playfully.

Phil managed to free his legs from beneath Dan somehow and wrapped them around his waist as Dan leaned down on his forearms, sucking as much skin between his teeth as he could in between giggles.

“Poor gazelle, it’s not looking bright for his future, look away children!” Phil managed between laughs as Dan moved down his neck to his collarbones. He sneaked a hand under the t-shirt Phil usually wore to bed and pulled it up. Phil lifted his arms so he could toss it onto the floor somewhere and let out a content sigh as Dan kissed down his chest.

He closed his eyes, and relaxed against the bed, letting Dan do whatever he wanted, everything felt good, and he felt Dan’s crotch brush against his own, and his hands wandering along his sides, and it all felt so good…

Until Dan let out another growl. Phil’s eyes shot open and he stared down at Dan, who was looking up at him with a cheeky grin.

“Are you still a bear?” Phil asked. Dan growled in return, taking one of Phil’s nipples between his teeth, causing Phil to squeak in surprise.

“No! You are not making this sexual, Dan. I swear to God,” Phil objected, trying to sit up but Dan was holding him down, still licking and nibbling on his nipple and it felt so good, so Phil simply sank back into the mattress again.

Dan let out another growl and Phil covered his face with an arm.

“Sto-op,” he groaned. “This is so weird.”

“You like it,” Dan smirked down at him, intentionally grinding their crotches together.

“Please,” Phil breathed in half-protest, half-pleasure. Mostly pleasure. “Stop.”

“Fine,” Dan said, mouth suddenly right against his ear, sending shivers down Phil’s back. He brought their hard dicks together once again, causing them both to pant. He continued to grind against Phil, now with his face pressed against Phil’s shoulder and his hands in his hair, fucking him through their pyjamas.

Dan noticed Phil’s slight desperation as he was panting, grinding back against Dan as much as his weight on him allowed, hands grasping at his shirt.

“Dan,” he mumbled, nuzzling his nose against Dan’s shoulder.

“Yeah,” Dan said, understanding his silent plea, and pulled back to sit on his knees. He ran his hands up and down Phil’s thighs for some time, letting him catch his breath.

“Dan,” Phil said again, a bit more urgently. Dan reached to pull at the hem of his pyjamas. Phil lifted his hips obediently and kicked his pants off. While Dan took his own shirt and pants off, Phil roamed through one of the night stands and got a bottle of lube out, tossing it at Dan.

“So impatient,” Dan snickered, leaning down to peck Phil’s cheek, nose, forehead, anything he could before Phil pushed him away by his chest.

“Come on,” he huffed.

“Fine,” Dan caved in and bent down to kiss down his torso and belly instead. Phil sighed, hands weaving through brown curls and he lifted his hips slightly as an idea came to mind.

“Dan,” he said, “Can you…” He lifted his hips again and felt Dan snort against his abdomen.

“I’m not licking you, no,” Dan said and sat back up. He tutted at Phil’s pouting face and shook his head. “No, not unless you’re fresh out of the shower. I ain’t licking no butts before then.”

Phil let out a defeated sigh and threw his head back against the pillows. “Whatever.”

“You want me to fuck you or not?” Dan asked.

“Yes!” Phil said impatiently.

“Fine, calm down, I’m getting there,” Dan mused as he coated two fingers with lube. He circled them around Phil’s hole teasingly for a moment, watching him squirm, before pushing in slowly.

He leaned down on one arm, fingers moving in and out of Phil with the other, as he kissed his shoulder lovingly.

Phil rocked back against his hand, breathing slightly ragged.

Dan added a third finger once he felt him loosening up, and pushed them in and out a bit more forcefully. Phil ground his hips back down, panting, and Dan watched him intently. Sweat was starting to form on his forehead, his eyes closed in concentration, lips parted.

“Mm,” Dan hummed, “Gonna fuck you so hard you’ll go into hibernation.”

It took a few seconds until Phil’s eyes snapped open to glare hard at him. Dan slumped forward with laughter as Phil smacked him on his back.

“Shut up! Oh my God!”

“Sorry,” Dan giggled against his shoulder. “Sorry, sorry.”

“Get on it!” Phil whined.

“Okay, okay,” Dan said and pulled away from Phil, avoiding his piercing glare as he lubed his cock up. “I’m bearly there, calm down.”

“I can’t believe you,” Phil sighed.

“Shh,” Dan hushed him. He was now slowly pushing in, watching Phil’s face completely change from frustration to pleasure the deeper he got. Whining, Phil wrapped his arms around Dan’s shoulders, bringing him down against his chest, legs circling his waist, holding him close. Dan relaxed into the new position and began moving his hips slowly in and out.

He reached his hands around Phil’s head, playing with his hair as he panted into his neck.

“Fuck, Dan,” he heard Phil’s muffled voice.

“I know,” he breathed.

“It’s been so long,” Phil sighed. “Go faster.”

Dan did as he was told, snapping his hips into Phil at a faster pace, going harder for each thrust.

“Don’t stop,” came Phil’s slightly more desperate voice. “Please.”

Nodding against his shoulder, Dan said breathlessly, “Couldn’t bear to stop now.”

That earned him another slap on his back and a loud groan from Phil.

“Stop with the fucking animal puns, I swear to God!”

Dan struggled to suppress his laughter and fucked harder into Phil to get him to forget. It worked, as Phil was now a puddle of goo beneath him, hands grasping at whatever flesh he could reach, which so happened to be Dan’s love handles. Dan wasn’t complaining, as he tended to like the pain, secretly.

“I hate you,” came a muffled groan which he chose to ignore.

“Bear with me,” Dan said between giggles and Phil actually tried to push him away. “No, no, no, I’m sorry!”

“Stop,” Phil muttered. Dan leaned back to grasp his hips instead, thrusting even harder into Phil, feeling himself reaching the edge with each thrust.

“Gonna come,” he warned. Phil nodded, reaching down to stroke himself.

“Wait,” he asked.

“Hurry up.”

Phil mumbled something incoherent as he rocked his hips into Dan, meeting his thrusts. 

Dan knocked his hand away and grabbed his cock, stroking him in time with his frequent thrusts. He felt the familiar pool of warmth in his abdomen and seconds later he was coming hard inside of Phil, slumping down against him helplessly. Phil came shortly after, moaning so delicately and grasping at Dan’s skin.

“Dan,” he complained after a while, pushing uselessly at Dan’s limp body.

“Sorry,” Dan mumbled and rolled over to crash next to Phil on the bed. Phil winced as he felt warm liquid leaking out of him and he rolled over to his side, away from Dan.

“Couldn’t you pull out,” he muttered into the pillow, not really mad, just thinking Dan deserved any kind of scolding.

He felt Dan’s warm hand stroking up his arm and relaxed immediately.

“Sorry,” Dan simply said again, not sounding sorry at all.

“Just gimme a napkin,” Phil muttered.

Moments later a napkin was thrown at his face. He turned to slap Dan again, while not being able to hold back his laughter.

“I fucking hate you,” he giggled in tune with Dan.

“I know. I’m simply unbearable,” Dan said, gasping desperately for air through his laughter. Phil shook his head, and started wiping the drying come off of his stomach instead.

“Jesus Christ,” he mumbled, amused.

Dan shifted closer so that he was spooning Phil from behind, nuzzling his face into his shoulder. “I know you love me.”

“Whatever,” Phil shrugged.

“By the way, I don’t think bears eat gazelles,” Dan pointed out after a while of simply listening to each other’s breathing.

“Really?” Phil questioned.

“Yeah. I think they eat, like, fish… and blueberries.” Dan shifted closer, his grip on Phil’s middle tightening. “Haven’t you seen Brother Bear?”

“I have, but I thought… Mammals, they-” He paused, head spinning. “Why don’t I know this?”

Dan snorted behind him. “Maybe ‘cause you just had a mind-blowing orgasm? By a fucking bear?”

Phil let out a long sigh. “I guess,” he said, ignoring the last part.

“Next time, though, can I be the prey?” Dan asked innocently.

“Only if I can be a lion,” Phil deadpanned, catching Dan off guard.

“Of course, whatever makes your boat float.”

Phil smacked his hand.

“That’s not even a saying,” he mumbled.

“Yes it is,” Dan giggled.

“Fine. Now let’s sleep.”

“Agreed.”

[spn-and-phanart]

5 years later and I bet it’s still tied

[cas-tellation]

Place The Blame On Fayecastle

Dan and Phil had broken up over 6 years ago. There hadn't been anything since then. No phone call, no text, just nothing. Until now, apparently. Because now Dan was in the bookshop with fairly lights adorning the walls and Phil was standing in front of him and everything had come crashing down once again.

word count: 4,282

triggers: drinking, mentions of self harm, mentions of mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety, mentions of rape, mentions of physical abuse, slight body dysphoria

ao3 link.  read pt.1 here (You can read this without reading the first part! It will still make sense dw.)

This was written for a competition ( @phanficwritingcomp​ )

**PLEASE READ TRIGGERS AND STAY SAFE XX**

It’s almost painful, pretending to be happy.

You paint a smile onto your face in bright pastel hues, letting the yellows and purples swirl into each other and create the smile for you. The words get stuck in your throat, like the edges of the letters are caught on something and refuse to move past your lips. Every move is shadowed with doubt, but you live with it. It becomes who you are, a plastic face to shield everyone from the monster underneath.

Dan shrugs off the black jumper and impossibly dark skinny jeans in TopMan’s changing room, staring at his gaunt reflection in the mirror for a split second before pulling on a pale pink t-shirt and white jeans. The fabric is soft, and it feels like he’s going home. He almost wishes that he has a flower crown as well, thinking that it’d set the outfit off nicely. His bare feet are cold against the tiled floor, but he ignores it. He’s almost in a trance, at this point, staring at his reflection as if it’s another person entirely.

In a way, it is another person. The pastel genderqueer person in the mirror is someone else: someone Dan left behind a long time ago.

The dulled colours don’t seem to fit how skinny he’s become. They do nothing to hide the bags under his eyes or the thin white lines speckled across his forearms.

His hair is straight, but he kind-of wants it to go natural again.

He bites his bottom lip and shakes his head, turning so that he wasn’t facing the mirror, and stripping down, pulling on the darker coloured clothes again. It felt almost like he was putting himself in a cage, wearing the masculine white collared shirt, dark jeans and black jumper.

He leaves the store, not buying anything.

Maybe it was because he simply wasn't that person anymore.

Or maybe it was because he was scared of the person that he really was.

-

The rain is what finally makes Dan vear across the pavement and push his way into the bookshop. The ancient looking sign in the door showing off it’s name: ‘Faycastle’.

Everything is made out of wood, a darker forest-like aesthetic revealed in the ways that ferns lined the windowsills. The bookshelves stretch to the ceiling, fairy lights dancing down the edges, illuminating the book’s titles softly. The 1975 playing in the background, barely audible over the roar of the rain smashing against the thin window panes from outside.

Dan makes his way to the back of the store, where he’d hopefully be out of eyesight from everybody else. The bookshelves are close together, filling the shop up with as many books as it could possibly hold. He flits in between them like a shadow, letting his fingertips trail over their spines, feeling the millions of stories that they held.

There are more plants at the back of the shop, but their leaves are all withered and dead, the sun's rays not being able to reach them.

Dan plucks a book of the shelf. It’s old, the cover barely hanging onto it’s spine. It feels rough under his touch, the pages edges are all frayed, some pages stained from moisture.

All of the books look to be in similar shape, give or take some years.

The one that Dan’s holding is poetry; ‘Atalanta in Calydon’.

He lifts it up to his face, breathing in deeply.

“It’s the chemical breakdown between-” A voice starts, but it abruptly cut off as Dan looks up, closing the book and pushing it back onto the bookshelf in one movement.

Phil.

Dan physically takes a step back.

Phil.

His mind is playing over every single moment that he and Phil had spent together. Every sleepy cuddle. Every drunken kiss. Every word. Every sound. He can almost feel Phil’s body against him, a cloudy memory between them in the bookshop.

“Dan?”, He hears Phil’s voice ask.

He nods, looking up to meet his eyes.

He wishes that he hadn’t. They captivate him. They’re blue and yellow and green and they light up everything around him.

He couldn’t stop thinking about the last things that he had ever said to Phil. He couldn't stop thinking about the stuttered; “I just don’t love you”, or the way that he had seen the lights in Phil’s eyes die. Or even the way that Phil had practically screamed at him; “Why?” He remembered the way that Phil had gasped out a strangled; “One for the road, then?” He remembers the kiss, wet and desperate.

“Dan?” He can hear Phil’s voice touching upon his name again.

“Phil.” Dan barely manages to murmur.

A strange look passes over Phil’s face. Dan can’t catch it in time to tell what emotion it is. Maybe it’s just Phil remembering what he and Dan used to have. Maybe it was just Phil remembering the countless ‘I love you’s, whispered through nights long ago.

“You’re…. You’re not wearing pastel clothes?”

Dan almost laughs. He hasn’t worn anything even remotely pastel for years, save the minutes spent in the changing room a few hours ago. Is that really what surprises Phil the most? The fact that he’s wearing different colour clothing?

“Um, yeah… Fuck, what’d you expect?” Dan mutters. He wants to get out of the bookshop, but he can’t just walk away.

Phil looks lost for once. He stumbles over a sentence, but can’t articulate it properly. Dan stares at him blankly. He knows that the stars that Phil used to see in his eyes are gone, he knows that this sullen, sad person is the exact opposite of everything that Phil used to be so comfortable around. He knows that he’s different and barely recognizable. But he doesn’t care.

“I um. I have to go…” Dan ends up murmuring, sidestepping past the black-haired boy and slipping easily out of the shop.

He pretends that he can’t hear Phil calling after him.

-

His mind is a mess. It yells at him day and night, scrambling his thoughts and pushing people away from him. Everyday is broken up into endless routine; wake up, shower, get dressed, go to work, eat, go back to his house, sleep. He wears dark masculine clothing that makes him want to rip his face off because it’s the opposite of who he is.

He goes through case after case at the law agency. Rape. Abuse. Divorce. He drinks coffee after coffee. Black tie and white button up, followed by a dark suit jacket and trousers to match. Showers so hot that they burn his skin, but he relishes it. Late nights and baggy eyes.

Painting a smile on your face, and going around like you’re not bothered.

He wants to go back to the time when he’d wear pink jumpers and flower crowns without a care. He wants to go back to the time when he could sleep the night through and wake up feeling alive. He wants to go back to the time when he’d wake up pressed against Phil’s chest.

He wants to be happy.

-

The next time he sees Phil, it’s late at night and Dan’s half asleep, standing in front of the lawyer’s office and trying to remember how to call a taxi. His hands are fumbling with his iPhone and tears are welling in his eyes because he couldn’t fucking do anything these days. Stress shakes his fingertips and he nearly drops his phone in a left-over puddle from last night’s rainstorm.

His eyes are blurry and he’s not completely sure if it’s from the tears or just his body shutting down after running of caffeine for days.

He curses, running a trembling hand through his hair, pushing it up into a quiff.

And then he’s there. Phil. Dan thinks that he might be hallucinating until Phil’s hand comes up and rests on the small of Dan’s back, offering him support.

“Let me help you, okay?” His tone is so soft. Too soft.

He pries Dan’s iPhone out of his hand, “You want a cab, right?”

Dan nods, barely.

Phil rubs his hand into Dan’s back a bit as he steadily dials the number, talking to the person on the other end for a second before hanging up. He fiddles with the phone for another moment and then hands it back to Dan, who shoves it into his pocket so that he doesn’t end up almost dropping it again.

“They’re coming.” He informs the shaking boy. His hand isn’t moving off of Dan’s back, but Dan doesn’t really mind it.

The cab gets there quickly enough, and Phil ushers Dan inside. Neither of them say goodbye to the other but actions speak louder than words as Phil runs a hand through Dan’s hair.

-

Dan feels like shit. He’s coughing and his throat is all sore and his head hurts and his mouth tastes bad. He doesn’t remember how he managed to get back to his apartment the previous night. He stays in bed. Not that he could get up even if he wanted to. He sleeps all day, waking up at 10pm and not knowing what to do with his life.

He was a lawyer. And a damn good one at that. But he wasn’t happy. He made enough to live in London and to pay for everything without a worry, but a house isn’t home and all he wants to do is go home.

He ends up calling his Mum.

They talk until there’s nothing to talk about and then they just ramble to each other. Dan promises that he’s come visit her and Dad soon. He tells her that he loves her and she says it back. She tells him to pick up therapy again because it might help. He tells her that he’ll try but he’s not promising anything.

When they finally hang up, the stars are shining and the moon lights up the street, early dawn brushing across the sky. He sends his boss a text saying that he won’t be in today because of ‘personal issues’. His boss doesn’t seem to mind. He never does.

He cleans his room and has a shower that’s not burning hot. He googles a recipe and makes chocolate chip cookies. He eats half of the cookies whilst watching American Horror Story and then orders pizza. Before he goes to bed, he calls his old therapist and books an appointment before he can back out of it.

-

By the time he goes back to work, nothing’s magically repaired. The days off had aided him slightly, but being behind on his work make it harder.

His boss sees how he’s acting, and asks if he wants a few more days to himself. Dan freezes. He doesn’t know if he should, but a gentle ‘you can work from home for a bit, get those cases worked out in a calmer place, alright kid?’ sends him home to his couch and T.V, typing away at his laptop between sips of tea.

-

He’s scrolling through the contact list on his phone, trying to find the number for a client when he sees it. The ‘Phil Lester’ contact. He knows for a fact that he never put Phil’s number into his phone. He’d deleted it after they had broken up, nearly six years and two iPhones ago.

He doesn’t text him with a simple ‘why the hell’s ur number in my iPhone?’

No. He’s not like that. They were never like that.

He doesn’t even know if it’s really Phil. It could be someone else for all he knew.

-

D.H; “What were you talking about chemical breakdowns?”

P.L; “What?”

D.H; “When I was in ur bookstore . u started talking about chemival breakdowns”

DH; “Chemical**”

P.L; “Oh yea u were sniffing that book.”

P.L; “Old books tend to smell good due to the chemical breakdown that occurs as they age.”

D.H; “So you go up to random ppl and start talking about breakdowns in chemicals?”

P.L; “Only cute random ppl.”

-

The fifty-seven year old white man was sentenced to eight years of imprisonment for raping a fourteen year old girl on her way home from school. Dan thinks that it should have been lifetime imprisonment. The young girl, now sixteen, is crying in court. Dan tries to ignore her pitiful sniffles and yells about fairness and justice.

The family thanks Dan afterwards in his office. He shakes the parents hands and offers them sad smiles then hugs the daughter, holding her for a long while, swaying back and forth.

It wasn’t fair. (life’s not fair.)

-

Two weeks pass, a steady stream of therapist appointments, both his own and sitting in with clients. He calls his parents alot, even goes down to Reading to visit them for a few days. His boss asks him to start working from the office again and he does so readily, throwing himself into work but still trying to keep his mental health somewhat stable. It doesn’t help, being surrounded by other people’s problems all the time.

-

D.H; “hey.”

P.L; “It’s 2am what are you doing awake?”

D.H; “Just thinking.”

P.L; “Good thoughts?”

D.H; “No not really.”

P.L; “Want to talk about it?”

D.H; “I’d rather not.”

P.L; “So I got a new cactus today.”

D.H; “You mean yesterday, its 2am.”

P.L; “Yea. Yesterday. New cactus.”

D.H; “...and?”

P.L; “Sorry I thought I heard a dog outside, had to go check.”

D.H; “Why would a dog be outside your flat at 2am?”

P.L; “Idk if there was a dog I would ask them but there isnt so I can’t.”

D.H; “What happened to the cactus then?”

P.L; “Oh yeah, so I put it in the shop bc I thought it’d look nice there but an old lady fell on it (??not sure how it happened??)”

D.H; “That’s your news? An old lady falling on a cactus.”

P.L; “Ikr my life is so very exciting.”  

D.H; “Sounds like it.”

D.H; “Was she okay? If u need a lawyer to fite off old ladies im here.”

D.H; “I’m just gonna go and assume that she was fine.”

D.H; “Phil?”

D.H; “If u fell asleep then ur a nerd.”

-

He can’t stop remembering Phil’s arms around him, years ago. Telling him that everything would be okay. (It wasn’t okay.)

-

They’re at a coffee shop together after many days of texting. The conversation is flowing easily, as it always had. There wasn’t any small talk, just diving straight into meaningful conversation. There hadn’t been any mention of their breaking up from years ago. They danced around the topic, not touching on it. Neither of them really minded. They sipped their drinks -Dan’s a small hot chocolate and Phil’s a huge caramel macchiato- and talked about everything. (Almost everything. They didn’t talk about themselves. They didn't talk about how they felt for each other.)

-

P.L; “Hi.”

D.H; “Hey.”

P.L; “You busy?”

D.H; “No not really, why?”

P.L; “The stars are out and the sky is clear.”

P.L; “There’s a great view of them from the roof of Fayecastel.”

P.L; “u don’t have to come but it’d be nice.”

D.H; “give me 15mins i’ll be there.”

-

Phil’s ushering him up the thin steps to the roof, having already slipped between the bookshelves and tightly-packed plants in the store. The stairs creak underfoot and Dan can hear Phil ahead of him in the darkness, murmuring something about almost being there.

He pushes open the door, faint light streaming in from the light reflecting away from the moon.

Dejavu settles over them like a thin mist. They couldn’t count the number of times that they’d done this before.

But now it’s different because they’re older and Dan doesn’t wear soft clothes and his dimples don’t show anymore and Phil’s hair is shorter and he hasn’t smoked in a year.

They’re the same people but nearly everything else is different.

Dan drops to his knees then rolls onto his back, his hands resting on his stomach as he stares skywards. Phil copies his movements, inches between them that may as well be miles.

“It’s like nothing has changed at all,” Phil whispers through the darkness.

(It had changed.)

“They haven’t changed.” Dan replies, motioning a hand to the sky.

(everything changed.)

“We changed, though.” Phil’s words are barely audible, but Dan’s breath catches in his throat and Phil knows that he had heard him.

“Yeah,” Dan sighs, tilting his head to look at Phil.

“I’m sorry.” Phil’s eyes are trained on his, blue meeting brown.

“For what?” Dan knows what Phil’s trying to apologize for. The ability to read Phil’s facial expressions and thoughts flashing through his eyes had never left.

“For whatever I did to make you stop loving me?” It came out as a question.

Dan laughed drying, “You didn’t do anything.”

“I did something.” Phil murmured, turning his face back to the stars.

“No. You didn’t. It was my fault,” Dan almost wants to yell, reaching out a hand and grabbing Phil’s chin, forcing him to look at the younger boy, “It was my fault, Phil. You didn’t do anything.”

(It was Dan’s fault.)

“Then why did you stop loving me?” Phil’s voice sounds broken and dejected.

(Dan didn’t stop loving him.)

They’re laying side to side, facing each other under the stars onto of a lonely bookshop, millions upon millions of stories lay underneath them, but the only story that they were living was their own. It used to be one of happiness and love, soft colours and smoke, honey-tasting lips and gentle arms, but then it had changed into something harder, slipping under an icy surface. Words in Dan’s head has screamed at him just as his father used to. His lips were on someone else's. They were drunk and stupid and Dan was scared. He was scared of Phil and being with him. He was scared of his pastel pink clothes and his curly hair. He was scared of who he was, without even knowing who he was. Stuck in a whirlpool and then the ‘I don’t love you.’

Dan’s breathing hard. All of this was his fault. He shuffles closer to Phil, pressing their shoulders and sides together. He wants to make it right but doesn’t know how because this is Phil and Phil used to be everything he had.

But now he’s nothing.

(He’s not really nothing, but Dan doesn’t know what to think.)

It hurts being around Phil like this, pressed up against one another, staring at the stars. If Phil’s hair had been longer and Dan had been wearing pastel clothes, then they might have passed for much younger, happier versions of themselves.

“Why’d you leave?” Phil’s question is watered down, like he was trying to stop crying.

(Because Dan was scared.)

I was scared.

“I was scared.” It comes out barely a whisper, could have been easily mistaken for a sigh.

“That’s no excuse.” Phil says, his hard eyes reflecting starlight but not shining any of their own.

Dan goes silent for a long while, Phil’s words burning into his head. It wasn’t an excuse. It was the truth but Dan knows it’s not good enough. He’s not good enough. Why is he even here? Does he really think that he has any chance with Phil? After all that had happened between them? He stares at the stars, like they can give him an answer.

“Is there any chance?” Dan mumbles, not taking his eyes off the stars.

“With what?” Phil shoots back.

“With us.” Dan chokes, turning his head to watch Phil’s reaction.

Phil flinches, rolling over onto his side to properly face Dan.

“With us.” He repeats back, as if he couldn’t believe that Dan had just said that.

Dan manages a small nod, his gaze unwavering from Phil’s.

He watches Phil’s eyes because they always say more then his lips do.

(yes, yes a million times yes.)

-

P.L; “How are you?”

D.H; “Good. Just got back from therapy.”

D.H; “You?”

P.L; “Sleepy.”

D.H; “Then go to sleep u nerd.”

P.L; “But I haven’t talked to you all day.”

D.H; “Fair enough.”

P.L; “How was therapy anyway?”

D.H; “It was good, we worked some things out.”

P.L; “You’re happier now, aren’t you?”

D.H; “Kind-of, yeah.”

D.H; “You make me happy, too.”

P.L; “You make me happy as well.”

D.H; “I’m glad.”

-

Abuse. Towards a mother and her two-year-old daughter, from the ex-husband. Five years of imprisonment. They thank him. Why do they always thank him? He doesn’t think that he deserves it.

-

He goes back home for a few days to see his parents, then he locks himself away at the office and tries not to let the stress get to him as he goes through case after case. He drinks too much coffee, and thinks too much but he can’t stop himself from doing that.

-

Dan takes Phil out on a date. A proper one, in a restaurant and everything. He trades his black jacket in for a pink button-up, but changes his mind minutes before leaving his flat, ending up with dark coloured clothes and a shy smile plastered across his face.

Phil complements Dan on how he looks and Dan does the same right back. They talk as they eat, quietly, as if they didn’t want the rest of the restaurant listening in. Dan tells him about how much he hated law school and in turn Phil explains to him why he’s running a bookshop of all things.

(There was a chance. This was their chance.)

Phil drops Dan off at home afterwards, stopping at Dan’s doorstep and turning to face him. Dan’s cheeks are tinted pink and the soft hits of dimples poke through. His hair is slightly curly, his eyes staring fixedly at the floor.

Phil hooks two fingers under Dan’s chin, tilting his head up in order to meet his eyes evenly.

Neither of them speak but that’s okay because they’d never really needed to talk in order to understand the other.

Phil is the one that leans forwards, towards the slightly shorter boy.

Their breaths are mixing together and Dan’s lips are parting of their own accord. Phil’s hands slip forwards to rest on Dan’s hips, and Dan’s hands are reaching up to grip Phil’s face between them, his eyes fluttering shut as he pushed himself up onto the tips of his toes, making him level with Phil.

Their noses bump together and Phil lets out a breathy giggle, his hands expertly pulling Dan closer. He tilts his head, his stomach flipping over a million times.

Then Phil’s lips are on his and all Dan can think about is Phil.

(It used to be like this all the time, Dan’s mind being wiped whenever he was graced with Phil’s touch.)

He’s transported back to a time when he would wear pastel clothes and smile all the time.

He’s transported back to who he used to be. (To whom he wished he still was)

Phil’s hands are tugging lightly on his hair and his teeth are biting at Dan’s bottom lip, pulling it away and then letting it ping back into place.

He tastes the same, like starlight dancing on the waves of an ocean.

The heat makes way for gentle pecks, against his mouth, his chin, his cheeks, just above his eye, near the shell of his ear.

Dan lets his hands fall down to his waist and leans forewards until his whole body is resting against Phil, his head pressed against Phil’s shoulder.

Phil’s holding him up.

Strong.

Soft.

Gentle.

Neither of them ever want to move.

(The stars are watching them from above, smiling within themselves at the re-joining constellation below them)

-

P.L; “My mom’s asking me if I have a boyfriend.”

P.L; “What should I say?”

D.H; “idk.”

P.L; “Have you thought about possibly dating me again?”

D.H; “Yeah.”

P.L; “And…?”

D.H; “I don’t want us to end like we did last time.”

D.H; “I don’t ever want that to happen to me again.”

P.L; “Are you willing to give it a shot?”

P.L; “Dan? It’s been 10 minutes u ok?”

D.H; “Tell her that yes, you’ve got a boyfriend.”

-

Dan goes to Urban Outfitters the day before Phil gets back from visiting his parents. His hair is curly and the acrylic paints that make up his face are designing themselves into a soft smile, without any prompting. It’s not a painful smile. It’s not a smile to try and hide anything.

He gets some pastel clothes, loving the way that it feels soft against his skin.

He digs up an old flower crown when he gets home and places it on the top of his head, letting the dulling colours mix with the vivid brown of his wavy hair.

He looks at himself in the mirror, running his hands down his arms where the short-sleeved lavender shirt didn’t reach. The pale scars that littered his forearms didn’t itch. They didn’t feel ugly anymore.

He shoves his hands into his pockets, staring at his reflection.

The person that looks back at him is full of hope.

That person is wearing light-coloured clothes and a pale blush is covering their cheeks and the hint of a smile is poking through.

It’s not painful, being happy.

[lesbian-sora]

Eligible and Illegible

Summary: In a world where soul mates are identified when their first thoughts about you appear in real time, radio personality Phil Lester knows that there’s more to life than finding your soulmate. However, when he discovers that he just missed meeting them in the tube, his tune changes a bit. Phil believes in fate, but does his soulmate?

Genre: Fluff, soulmates

Words: 7.1 K

Warnings: Swearing

Beta: Light and love of my life @theoceanismyinkwell

Author’s Note: Hello! This was prompted by some lovely anon, and I was thrilled to write it! I changed it juuuust a bit, so I hope that’s okay! I love soulmates and I love filling prompts! Thanks so much for sending it in. ^_^ If you have a fic you want to see, I’d love to write it so send it in! I’m doing an advent for Christmas, so I won’t get to any non-holiday themed fics until January, but I still want to see them! I’ll post a not about that later, but until then,enjoy this fic and happy Thanksgiving!

Prompt me!

Buy me a coffee!

Check out my PBB!

“So, are you going to tell me about it, or are we going to ignore the dopey smile on your face?” Phil asked casually, swaying with the motion of the tube and tapping furiously at his phone. He was almost at a new highscore, and nothing would distract him. “I’m surprised you managed to get anything done at work today with your head in the clouds.”

“Her name is Sophie,” PJ sighed, and if he had been anyone else, Phil would have accused him of gushing. “I met her this weekend at that film festival.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, she’s my soulmate.”

Phil jerked his gaze up and stared open mouthed at PJ. He distantly heard his phone let out a defeated trumpet sound as his character died. “You’re joking.”

PJ grinned and held up the back of his hand. There in delicate cursive were the words Oh my gosh, he’s the guy who did that film about the tiny planets; I should go say hello.  “Yeah, I was at the mixer they held and she came up to me and when I waved at her, I saw I had this written on my hand.”

“Lucky yours was so easy to spot,” Phil said. His own parents had their soulmate identifying marks, but not each other’s. As the marks were on their backs, neither had noticed they had met their soulmate that day until they got home. They had, of course, looked for their soulmates, but eventually they gave up and wound up finding each other. They always claimed that Fate did step in to bring them together, and Phil genuinely believed it.

“Even if it hadn’t, it wouldn’t have been hard to find her,” PJ shrugged. “Between all the websites solely dedicated to finding missed connections and the fact that I would have had access to the guest list means I would have found her by the end of the week.”

“Yeah. Imagine having a missed connection on the tube or just on the street,” Phil shuddered. “You wouldn’t even know for sure if they were from England, much less London. You’d probably never find them.”

“The world works in mysterious ways,” PJ shrugged. “If the universe truly wants you to be with a certain person, it will put you together. Anyway, this is my stop; I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Oh, hey!” Phil said, pulling out his wallet and handing over a couple pound notes. “Can you stop by that bakery on your way in and get me one of those red velvet cupcakes? I love those things.”

PJ laughed and pocketed the money. “Yeah, all right, I’ll get you one. I’m surprised you haven’t found your soulmate in one of those cupcakes yet.”

Phil grinned sheepishly and shrugged. “I can’t help they’re so good. It’s not my fault.”

“You’re a menace, you know that?” PJ shook his head. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Phil.”

“Bye, PJ! Don’t forget my cupcake!”

PJ rolled his eyes, but he was swept up in the herd leaving the car before he could say anything. Phil shoved his wallet in his pocket and pulled out his phone. He frowned when he saw that he was less than 100 points from breaking his record, and started tapping away again. About 30 seconds in, he was distracted by a sudden itch on his bicep, and silently cursed the cold weather that put the puffy coat between his fingers and skin. He ignored it and went back to tapping.

A few more sad trumpets later, Phil beat his score right as the tube screeched to a halt at his stop. He pocketed his phone, and disembarked, happy to note that the crowd at his stop was rather thin. He wasn’t fond of crowds in any situation, but he’d moved less than a month ago, and still got turned around when trying to figure out which escalators he needed to take.

A hand clasped his shoulder and Phil whirled around to see a man with curly brown hair panting and Phil was sure this was going to be the last thing he ever saw. The man took a deep breath, and reached for something in his pocket. Oh god, please don’t be a murderer, I’m too young to die. Phil opened his mouth to scream for help, but the man just held out a familiar looking Astro Boy wallet and awkwardly scratched the back of his neck. “You, er, dropped this.”

Phil blinked for a moment and took his wallet. “Oh, uh, thanks.”

The man smiled, and Phil noticed that when he did, his eyes got sparkly. “All right, I’ve got to get back on that car before it leaves again. Bye, mate!” And then he turned and ran off.

Phil let a little smile linger on his lips as he waved goodbye to someone he knew couldn’t see him. He gently shook his head, and refocused on the task at hand: That is, getting home. He huddles deeper into his coat once he hits the street, and considers texting PJ about his wallet returning vigilante, but shrugs it off. It wasn’t like he was ever going to see him again. Instead, he goes home, scratches Thor between her ears, makes himself a pot of coffee, and sits down at his computer to prepare for tomorrow’s radio show.

He alternates between working, browsing Tumblr, and looking at cat videos until late in the night, only stopping to scarf down some leftover Chinese takeaway for dinner. When his phone buzzes to advise him that it’s bed time, he yawns and stretches his arms above his head. He closes his windows, gently nudges Thor with his foot and muttered, “Come on, Thor, it’s bedtime.” Thor got up from where she was sleeping under the desk, stretched, and scurried to Phil’s room and up her little badger stairs to his bed. Phil followed behind her, squirming out of his jumper to get into some comfier sleep clothes.

He was passing a mirror hanging in the hall when he saw it out of the corner of his eye. He then choked on air and quickly backpedaled to get a better look. Still there. He rubbed his eyes and checked again. Still there. He pinched himself to make sure he hadn’t fallen asleep at his desk. Still there. He stood there mouth agape for a solid minute before simply sighing out, “Well, fuck.”

Still there.

There, wrapped around his bicep in almost illegible scrawl, were the words, I wonder if that guy realizes he dropped his wallet.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

Phil was very nervous on the tube to work the next day. He was subconsciously rubbing the place on his arm where his soulmark was and nervously counting down the stops until he got to PJ’s. He was also trying to covertly look around the car to see if he could recognize anyone from yesterday. He had a feeling it was the man who had returned his wallet, but truthfully, it could have been anyone. He knew it had to have been on the tube, though, as he definitely hadn’t had it yesterday morning and he miraculously only dropped his wallet once. However, he didn’t recognize anyone, and no one seemed to be furtively looking around like he was.

When the train finally ground to a halt at PJ’s stop, Phil was right by the door to grab his friend and drag him to a less populated corner. “Calm down, mate!” PJ laughed. “I know you’re eager for your cupcake, but this is ridiculous.”

Phil furrowed his brows. “Cupcake? What do you–” He glanced down and saw the blue and white striped pastry box in PJ’s hands. “Oh, right! I asked you to buy me a cupcake yesterday.”

PJ frowned with growing concern. “If this isn’t about the cupcake, what is it?”

“I met my soulmate yesterday.”

PJ’s worried frown quickly bloomed into a look of delight. “That’s brilliant! What are they like? Where did you–”

“It’s really not brilliant.”

PJ cocked his head to the side. “What do you mean it’s not brilliant?” A look of horrified understanding dawned over his features. “You didn’t notice, did you?”

Phil shook his head. “It’s on my upper arm, and seeing as I’ve been wearing long sleeves, I didn’t notice until I got home and took off my shirt for bed.”

“Do you at least have some idea who it might be?” PJ asked sympathetically.

Phil shrugged. “I think it might be this one guy who returned my wallet to me because my soulmate was apparently thinking about how I dropped my wallet, but there’s no real way to be sure. Could have easily been anyone else who saw me drop it.”

PJ sighed and pulled Phil into a hug, careful not to squish the cupcake. “Cheer up. We’ll get you online and you’ll find them again in no time.”

“That’s assuming they’re gonna go online and that I even saw them enough to have a thought about them,” Phil pointed out. “Plus, what if they’re already married or something?”

“Don’t be like that,” PJ chided. “Where’s the ever-optimistic Phil I know and love? We’ll find them, I promise. You can come over after work and we’ll figure this out together.”

Phil smiled. “Thanks, Peej. You’re the best.”

“Yeah, I know. Now, eat your cupcake and feel better.”

Work passed uneventfully. Well, as uneventfully as any advice radio host’s day can be, meaning he received a call from a woman claiming to have the ability to communicate with chipmunks and that they told her government secrets, and she needed advice on what to do next. Phil had dutifully stifled his laughter and told her to turn the treasonous rodents in to the nearest police station. His producer, Marge, had given him a very unimpressed eyebrow raise, but it was her fault for not screening calls better, so Phil figured he was good. Also, no fewer than four people had requested Christmas songs, and as it was hardly past Halloween, Phil was a little disgusted people were even daring to utter the C-Word.

As promised, PJ had dragged Phil to his house, and started filling out profiles on missed connections sites. An hour and a half later, Phil was less grateful than he had been that morning.

“Okay, tell me about it one more time,” PJ said, typing away. “You were on the tube and we were talking, and after I left, you dropped your wallet?”

“Yes, and then when I got off, that guy chased me down and gave it back,” Phil groaned.

“Okay, can you describe anyone in the car with you?”

“I don’t know. There was they guy who gave me my wallet who had brown hair and brown eyes, the business lady who carries that pink umbrella no matter the weather, and that guy who’s always eating the mustard sandwich when we get on. You were there, you tell me.”

“Anyone else? Did anyone get on after I got off?”

Phil dragged his hand down his face. “Honestly, I was too busy playing on my phone to pay anyone much attention. The only person I really paid attention to was the guy who gave me my wallet back.”

“Okay, one more question: Would you consider yourself more a Mario or Zelda guy?”

“Playwise, more Mario, but I think Zelda is prettier and has a better story– Wait, what does that have to do with anything?” Phil narrowed his eyes at the screen, and PJ frantically tried to minimize the window, but he wasn’t quick enough. “PJ, are you actually signing me up for a geek dating site? Is that what you think of me?”

PJ rolled his eyes, and spun around in his office chair to look at Phil. “First off, I’m just widening our net. I specifically put in your profile that you’ve met your soulmate, but you’re open to meeting new people.”

“PJ,” Phil groaned, stretching the syllables out.

“Second,” PJ plowed on, “even if this wasn’t to find your soulmate, it would be a good idea. You’ve said yourself that you like going on dates because it lets you meet and connect with new people.” Phil just gave him a flat look and PJ sighed. “Fine. Do you want me to delete your profiles?”

“Profiles as in plural?” Phil gaped. “How many have you made?”

PJ shrugged. “Like four. There’s only a couple missed connections sites to make it less likely for you to miss each other.”

Phil let out a frustrated little huff, but said, “Don’t delete them, I guess. I’m not seeking out other people though, just so you know.”

PJ shrugged. “Fine with me. Just so long as you know that it’s an option.”

“Alright, then, budge up. I want to make sure you at least made me interesting on these things.”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

Phil was standing outside of a restaurant, rocking back and forth and checking his phone every few minutes. He hadn’t managed to find his actual soulmate in the week that he’d waited, but he did manage to connect with a lovely lady named Louise, and he was supposed to be meeting her for a date. They were supposed to meet about ten minutes ago, but Louise had called in a flurry and explained that her roommate was running late from a job interview and she needed him home to watch her daughter, Darcy. Phil had assured her he totally understood, and would happily wait for her. What he didn’t tell her was that he wasn’t going to sit down to avoid the potential embarrassment of being sat alone at a table for two all night.

“Phil Lester, what are you doing stood out here in the cold?”

His caution was apparently in vain, for when he turned around, there was Louise, looking like she stepped straight out of a children’s princess book with her sparkly skirt and long pink hair. She raised an eyebrow at him, and he had the decency to at least look sheepish. “I, er, wasn’t sure if you were actually coming,” he said, but with the last syllable pitching up and his hunched shoulders, it came off as a clear question.

Louise just smiled gently and patted him on the cheek with one mittened hand. “I understand. Trust me, we’ve all been there, love.”

Phil gaped at her. “You’ve been stood up? But you’re like the prettiest lady I’ve ever seen?”

Louise sputtered for a moment before laughing. “Are you trying to butter me up, you cheeky thing?”

Phil blushed and awkwardly scratched the back of his neck, but he felt his cheeks split open in a wide smile. “I mean it, I swear. You really are very pretty.”

“A woman could get used to having men like you and Dan around,” Louise teased.

“Who’s Dan?” Phil asked, cocking his head to the side.

“My flatmate,” Louise explained. “He’s the same as you when it comes to endearingly awkward compliments. The both of you are absolute sweethearts.”

Phil smiled, and offered her an arm. “So, dinner?”

Louise looped her arm through his and said, “I believe that would be wonderful.”

And it was. It was wonderful. Louise was as bright and friendly as she was pretty. She and Phil didn’t share a lot of the same interests, but she was passionate when talking about hers and listened carefully when Phil talked about his. She was hilarious, and thought that Phil spouting off animal facts when he got nervous was adorable. She was kind and funny and smart and everything Phil could ever hope for in a girlfriend, but there was something just… off.

Louise must have felt it too, because when dinner ended, Phil offered to get some mulled wine and take her on a walk in the park, but she smiled almost sadly at him and shook her head. “I don’t think this is going to work for us, Phil,” she sighed. “And I think you know it, too.”

“Yeah,” Phil agreed. “I mean, you’re great and I like you a lot, but I don’t think I like you in a romantic way.”

Louise chuckled. “I feel the same way. You’re an absolute dear, but it felt a lot like going on a date with Dan. He’s my best friend, and I love spending time with him, but I’d never date him.”

Phil bit his bottom lip and said, “Louise, would you like to go on a walk with me?”

Louise furrowed her brow. “Phil, I just–”

“I mean as friends,” Phil interrupted. “I really like talking to you, and I think I’d like talking to you even more if we weren’t on a date.”

Louise blinked at him for a moment, and Phil thought he might have seriously misjudged the situation, but her lips curled into a delighted smile. “Phil Lester, you have yourself a deal.”

Phil grinned and they walked together to a stand selling hot drinks, and Louise insisted on paying and Phil let her. They walked and talked and Phil listened to her complain about Darcy’s primary teachers, and in turn she listened to him talk about how much he was looking forward to the new Pokemon game.

Their conversation lulled as they sat together on a bench until Louise broke the silence. “I’m not sure if it’s appropriate for me to ask, but it definitely wasn’t appropriate for me to ask on our date, so I’m going for it now. What exactly happened with your soulmate?”

Phil self consciously rubbed his bicep. “It was about a week ago when I was on the tube. I dropped my wallet and someone noticed and they were apparently my soulmate. Unfortunately, it’s on my upper arm, so I didn’t notice until I got home that night.”

Louise clucked sympathetically. “Something similar happened with Dan. His mark is on the back of his neck, so he didn’t know it was there until I pointed it out to him the other day. He only just moved here, and before he lived alone, so he has no idea how long he’s had it there.”

“Well, how about you? What’s your soulmate situation?”

“Haven’t met them.”

“But Darcy–”

“Oh, Matt wasn’t my soulmate,” Louise cut in. “His soulmate is actually his little brother. He and I tried out the whole marriage thing, but it clearly didn’t work out.”

Phil nodded, and decided that he was done talking about soulmates and how disappointing they could be. “You said Dan just moved? What’s going on with him?”

“Oh, Dan’s great. He was living in Reading up until recently, but his previous flatmate moved out, so I convinced him to move to London,” Louise beamed. “He’s been job hunting, but nothing’s turned up for him yet, so he’s living with me and Darcy until he’s got everything situated.”

“Does he have any interest in working radio for the BBC?” Phil asked. “There’s some openings and I would be happy to give him a reference. They aren’t exactly glamorous, but they pay really well and it’s pretty easy to move up the ladder.”

Louise blinked at him in shock for a moment before she squealed in delight. “Phil Lester, you are an absolute gem,” she gushed, cupping his face in her hands and squishing her cheeks.

Phil grinned and happily accepted his cheek squishing. “Yeah, you already have my number so just give it to him and make sure he puts Phil Lester down as a professional contact.” He glared at her playfully. “He better be good, though. I don’t want to stand behind someone who’s going to make me look bad.”

“Don’t you worry one bit about that,” Louise assured. “That boy is a textbook perfectionist, so if he’s given a task, you can rest assured that it will be done well.”

They sat there talking for a while until Louise’s phone buzzed loudly in her pocket. She pulled it out and frowned. “Goodness, it really has gotten late. I think it’s best that we call it a night here, then.”

“All right,” Phil agreed easily. “Would you like me to walk you home?”

Louise shook her head. “I don’t think that will be necessary. I’ll be seeing you soon, Philip.”

Phil beamed. “I look forward to it.”

Louise smiled at him and then almost nervously bit her lower lip. “Good luck finding your soulmate, whoever they are.”

“Thanks.” Phil cleared his throat awkwardly and stuttered out, “Oh, uh, and, uh, tell Dan- tell Dan I said good luck with the job thing.”

“I will,” Louise nodded. She gave him one last parting smile as she lifted her hand in a wave and walked off. “Bye, Phil!”

Phil stood there, smiling and waving after her until she fully turned from him, and then he kept standing there, watching her with a small, satisfied smile. The date hadn’t exactly gone to plan, but Phil couldn’t imagine an ending he would have liked better.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*

A month and three different disaster dates later, Phil was still in the same boat as he was before. He and Louise kept up sporadic contact – she had excitedly texted him every step of Dan’s hiring process, ending with him being hired at the station a few days ago – but they hadn’t had time to actually meet up again. He’d gotten exactly zero legitimate hits on the soulmate matching sites, and every person he talked to on the non-soulmate sites somehow managed to be exponentially worse than the one before. He was about ready to call it quits, but PJ was determined to find his soulmate.

“Look, just do this one more thing, and then I promise I’ll let it go,” PJ swore.

Phil narrowed his eyes and continued setting up his radio booth. He was lucky that they pair before him was in another booth, and he had all the time in the world to get ready for his show. When he first started he just did one show a week late Saturday night, and the guy who hosted before him was always incredibly lethargic about getting his shit together and getting out. Now, he had a late afternoon/evening show that played Monday through Thursday, and he couldn’t be happier.

“Fine, I’ll give whatever your new plan is a shot, and when it doesn’t work, you have to promise that you’ll never bring it up again. And you have to go through the hassle of deleting all those dating profiles.”

“Oh, come on. At least keep one dating profile. Dates are fun.”

Phil scowled. “PJ, the last guy I went on a date with told me he collected pigeons, and gave me a live one from his pocket that he’d caught earlier that day so I could start my own. Delete the profiles.”

“All right, all right.”

Phil sighed. “So, what is this brilliant Hail Mary you have up your sleeve? Gonna give me a sign and parade me around Piccadilly Circus?”

“Er, not exactly. Look, you promised, so don’t freak out.”

“Freak out? PJ, what are you–”

“Lester, glad I caught you before your show!” Marge boomed, bursting into the studio.

“Uh, me too? I guess?”

“I really like this idea you have for your show today,” she said earnestly. “I don’t want you to do it until the halfway point, though. Introduce it at the beginning and maybe get the hashtag going to get interest up, but don’t actually do it until act two. People are still expecting advice, and we’ve got to deliver. Got it?”

Phil furrowed his brow. “Uh, what idea exactly?”

“This whole thing about finding your soulmate!” she said, gesturing wildly with her tablet. “It’s all very dramatic and a shoe in to get some new listeners. You just keep building it up, and read out some Tweets from the hashtag. This is going to be a great show. Chin up, Lester!” And with that, she was gone.

Alone again, Phil wheeled around to face PJ with a dark scowl on his face. “I can’t believe you did that,” he hissed angrily. “You know I don’t put my personal business on the radio. There’s not much that’s more personal than this!”

PJ put his hands up in a surrender gesture. “You’re right, I definitely crossed a line and I’m sorry. If I had been thinking straight I wouldn’t have done it in a million years, and you have every right to be mad at me. I do genuinely think this has a good chance of working though, so please give it a shot?”

“I damn well do have the right,” Phil snapped. “And, yeah, I’m going to give it a shot because I don’t have much of a choice, do I? Marge is expecting me to be looking for my soulmate, and now I have to do exactly that. She’s probably already got the social media person working on Twitter. What is the hashtag that I supposedly came up with, anyway?”

“Crossrail connections,” PJ said. “People are just going to be sending in their own missed connection stories and such.”

Phil sighed and a tech person came in to do some final checks on everything, meaning it was time for PJ to get out. “I’ll talk to you after the show,” he said firmly. “I don’t care if I do find my soulmate, you owe me big for this.” PJ nodded meekly and scurried out of the room with his metaphorical tail between his legs. Phil took a deep, calming breath and got into the persona of AmazingPhil, advice radio extraordinaire. To practice, he shot a charming grin at the tech who just raised an eyebrow and refocused, causing Phil to giggle a bit. The tech was definitely new – Phil knew just about everyone who worked this shift – but there was something naggingly familiar about those brown curls.

“Lester, you’re on in thirty,” Marge said over the intercom. “Howell, time’s up. If anything needs to be done, we’ll do it during a song. Get out.” The tech nodded quickly, and scurried out the door faster than Phil had ever seen anyone move. He gave Marge a big thumbs up through the glass which she returned and the tech appeared at her side and started the finger countdown from 10.

“That was ‘What Lovers Do’ by Maroon 5 featuring SZA. I’m in the studio live, and you are now listening to, and hopefully watching, AmazingPhil on BBC Radio One!” Phil recited, already feeling his blood start to pump with excitement like it always did. He grinned and paused for a moment while the recorded man said One. BBC Radio One. “Hey, guys! It is a weekday at four in the afternoon, which means it is, once again time for Amazing Advice with AmazingPhil. In case you haven’t guessed, I am AmazingPhil and normally every day I help you all with whatever problems are in your life, but for the next two hours, we’re going to do something a little bit different.

“That’s right, you guys, today is all about soulmates. We’re going to talk about missed connections, worries about ever finding your soulmate, and what are you even supposed to do when you find them! We have a hashtag going on Twitter, so if you want your Tweet read out, be sure to tag it with ‘hashtag crossroad connections.’ If you’d like to call in our number is 03700 100 342.” He glanced up at Marge who was gesturing expectantly, and he sighed in his head. “But that’s all usual stuff. What makes today different is that today, you guys are going to get the chance to help me. That’s right, I actually had a missed connection with my soulmate, and in one hour I’m going to give you guys the details, so stick around! You can watch all of this unfold on BBC dot co dot UK forward slash radio one where you will see that I have actually sprouted cupid wings in honor of this episode. Now, here’s ‘New Rules’ by Dua Lipa.” He flipped a switch, pulled his headphones down, and let out a satisfied sigh and gave the camera a big cheesy grin. Two minutes down, 118 more to go.

The first hour passed fairly normally – Phil read some Tweets, played some songs, and might have accidentally advised a woman to leave her husband of five years because she met her soulmate in another young lady taking the same pottery class as her – other than the hashtag being almost too full of people wildly speculating about what exactly happened with Phil’s soulmate to find any Tweets they could actually use. One theory Phil found particularly amusing was that he had run into Queen Elizabeth somehow and they were soulmates and he was about to declare his quite literal love for queen and country on air.

He was about to go back on air from a song break when he realized his headphones weren’t working. He quickly grabbed the spare set and frantically gestured for the tech to get in there and fix them. He watched as Howell scrambled into action, grabbed a tool bag and silently went to work on the headphones while Phil turned his attention back to the camera.

“That was ‘Ready for It’ by Taylor Swift, which is rather appropriate, because I need to know if you all are ready for it,” Phil said with comical flair when the song ended. “Yes, it’s been an hour and I’ve been teasing you this whole whole way through, but the time has come. I’m going to tell you my hashtag crossroad connection.” Phil played the dramatic gong noise and the tech had to stifle a laugh. Phil cast him a small smile, then shook his head and went back to the show. “You’ve all been waiting, so here it is.

“My words are… ‘I wonder if that guy knows he dropped his wallet.’” He paused a moment to play the booing noises himself, but made a placating gesture. “Yes, I know. I was a little disappointed about the lack of romance too, trust me. Anyway, about a month ago, I was on the tube home, and I was with my friend and when we got to his stop I handed him some money to buy me a cupcake the next day. I went to put it away and happened to drop my wallet, and apparently my soulmate noticed. So, if you or a friend with really bad handwriting were riding the tube a month ago and rem–”

There was a small crash and Phil jerked his head around to see Howell gaping at him in shock, and suddenly it all clicked into place. The awkward posture, the curly hair, the sparkly brown eyes, everything. It was the guy who had returned his wallet to him. Howell seemed frozen like a deer in headlights for a moment before he turned heel and fled. As he retreated, Phil managed to see some very familiar script written across the back of his neck.

There was a quiet thump and Phil turned again to see Marge on the other side of the glass gesturing almost angrily for him to get the show started again. “Oh, uh, right. So, if you’re my soulmate, or you think you know someone who might be my soulmate, either call in at 03700 100 342 or Tweet using the hashtag crossroad connections. We have a caller coming in. Flint, what soulmate problems are troubling you this wonderful December afternoon?”

Phil went through the motions of the remaining hour of the show. He continued to dole out advice, and he listened to three different teenage girls claim that they were his soulmate. He just gritted his teeth through it, and he’d never been so happy to see Marge make the wrap it up gesture when all was said and done.

“Thank you all so much for joining me here today. As always, it’s been wonderful spending time with you, and I hope you got as much out of it as I did,” Phil beamed. “Thank you for sending in your Tweets and calls about your soulmate problems and advice for me. Up next is Newsbeat to give you all the worldly updates you’ll need. I’ll be back tomorrow, but until then I’m leaving you with my favorite song this week. I’m talking about Portugal. The Man with ‘Feel It Still.’ Bye, guys!”

Almost before he was off air, Marge blew into the room like a hurricane to give him a rundown. “Alright, that was one of your best shows yet,” she said, scrolling and looking at figures on her tablet. We actually got the hashtag trending in the UK, which we don’t manage very often, and there was a huge spike on the website when you talked about your own soulmate experience. We may have to do something like this again, but not very often. Almost everyone likes hearing about soulmates, but we don’t want this to become just a soulmates show.”

“Great, great,” Phil muttered, distracted. “Hey, who was that tech working the show today?”

Marge frowned. “New kid named Daniel Howell. Why?” She narrowed her eyes at him. “You’re not going to get onto him about the thing with the headset, are you? It’s his first day and we all make mistakes. I don’t know what kind of look you gave him earlier, but he’s run off and didn’t come back for the entire show. It would do you good to remember your first couple months on tech when you started here.”

“Oh, no, no, no, that’s not it at all,” Phil assured her. Marge was kind and smart, but sometimes things went way above her head. “I’m pretty sure he’s my soulmate, and he figured it out too which is why he left in a hurry.”

Marge blinked at him for a minute with a furrowed brow before her eyes lit up in understanding. “Oh my god. He’s your soulmate? This is amazing! What are you waiting for? Go find him! Beat it!”

Phil laughed as she flapped her arms to usher him out of the studio. He gave her a quick salute and cheerfully said, “Bye, Marge! See you tomorrow!” before he was tearing down the hall. He knew from his own time on tech that Dan wouldn’t have gotten away with loitering without an assignment for long, and if anyone knew where he’d be it was Matt. Matt worked as head tech and he was the one responsible for making sure the station ran as smoothly as it did.

“Matt! There you are!” Phil gasped, running to catch up with him.

Matt raised an eyebrow. “Uh, hey, Phil. What can I do for you?”

“I’m looking for someone,” Phil started without further preamble. “Do you know where Dan Howell is?”

Matt furrowed his brow and started scrolling on his table. “Howell… Howell… Howell…” he muttered to himself. Then he looked up with a grin and snapped his fingers. “Dan! You mean the guy who started here today!”

“Yes, him!” Phil beamed. “Is he in there?”

“Unfortunately, he’s not in the system yet, but I remember giving him something to do,” Matt nodded. “He looked really shaken up – I’m guessing first day nerves – so I sent him to the basement to organize the spare wires boxes. I was going to do it myself, but he looked like he needed something simple and away from people.”

“Thanks, mate, you’re a lifesaver,” Phil grinned, then turned on his heel and ran to the basement. Sure enough, when he got down there, Dan Howell was sitting on the floor surrounded by carefully laid out piles of wires. He had two in his hands, comparing the ends before he untangled one from the Gordian Knot of cords and laid it with the others. Phil carefully rapped on the heavy wooden door to get his attention. He jerked and whipped his head around to look at Phil with wide brown eyes. “Hi, uh, so, I’m Phil.”

“I, uh, yeah, I know,” Dan stuttered. “I was kind of there when you introduced yourself live on radio. I’m Dan.”

“I know, I asked Marge after the show.”

“So, that’s her name. I’m kind of terrible with names and forgot.”

“Same. I called her Maggie about twelve times my first month here.” Dan chuckled before silence fell over the room. Phil cleared his throat. “Okay, so let’s get to the point–”

“You think I’m your soulmate,” Dan finished, turning his attention back to the wires in front of him.

Phil blinked at the phrasing. “Don’t you?”

“Things don’t work out like that for me, Phil,” Dan huffed. “That’s Hallmark Channel stuff, not real life. I don’t have my life together enough for anything like that to happen to me. Hell, I only got this job because my friend went on a lousy date with a stranger and the guy out of nowhere just offered to give me a professional recommendation.”

“Louise?” Phil asked eagerly. “Louise Pentland? Is that who you’re talking about?”

“Yeah? You know Louise?”

“Yeah! I was the lousy date who gave you the recommendation!” He thought over what he’d just said and frowned. “Did she really think it was lousy?”

Dan rolled his eyes. “No, she had a lot of fun, I promise. But you have to admit that any date that ends with you being solidly in a platonic relationship is pretty lousy romance wise.”

Phil shrugged. “I guess you have a point. But, Dan, look! It’s fate! We’re definitely soulmates.”

“What, because you were a weirdo who offered a desperate stranger a job? That’s not how that works.”

Phil huffed and folded his arms. “No, but out of all the people in London I could have gone on a date with, it happened to be your friend and roommate. Then we happened to get along well enough for us to talk about you and she actually did get you to use my recommendation. Then, you did wind up getting the job, and not only were you assigned to my show, your first day was the day I was talking about my soulmate, which, by the way, wasn’t my idea in the first place.”

“Just a lot of coincidences,” Dan muttered, staring at the same wire he’d been holding for a minute now.

“Look, will you just look and see if it’s your damn handwriting?” Phil snapped.

“And what if it isn’t?” Dan shot right back, finally meeting Phil’s eyes again. “What if I do take a look and it turns out that it’s not my handwriting? It was a crowded car, maybe someone else with shitty handwriting saw you drop your wallet. What exactly are you going to do if you hike your sleeve up and you find out you’ve gotten yourself all worked up and excited only to realize that I’m not the person you want?” He shot a hot glare at Phil and went back to his task, but Phil noticed the slight tremor in his long fingers.

Phil bit his lower lip and sat down, carefully avoiding Dan’s wire piles. “Well, I’d be a bit disappointed, obviously,” he said with a false casual air. He watched Dan flinch almost imperceptibly, and lowered his head until he met Dan’s gaze to offer him a gentle smile. “And then I’d offer to help you sort wires as an apology for bothering you.” Dan lifted his head, forehead crumpled in confusion, and Phil had to bite his tongue to keep from commenting on how cute it was. “Yeah, I remember working as a tech, and wire duty isn’t any fun, but it’s definitely more bearable with a friend.” He paused in thought before deciding to add, “And maybe if we really got along, I’d invite you for drinks after.”

Dan sputtered and a pretty pink blush bloomed on his round cheeks. He choked on air for a moment before he cleared his throat and gave Phil a small smile. “I may take you up on the wire thing.”

Phil grinned at him. “And the drinks?”

“We’ll just have to see about that.”

They sat there talking and sorting wires for the better part of an hour. Phil was thrilled to learn that they shared almost all the same interests, while still having individual passions of their own. He had particularly enjoyed the part where he accidentally mentioned Kanye and Dan gushed about him for a solid five minutes. It wasn’t until they were almost done that Dan looked at him and asked the million dollar question. “Why is this soulmate thing so important to you, anyway?”

Phil frowned down at the wire in his hands and thought hard for a minute. “I… I don’t really know. I get that’s not really an answer, but it’s the truth. I know soulmates aren’t the end all be all of everything – my parents are actually both missed connections and they’re the happiest people I know – but when I thought that maybe you were my soulmate I got stupidly excited about it. I wasn’t even that interested in finding my soulmate before this.”

“You just went on a manhunt on live radio looking for them.”

“That wasn’t my idea, it was PJ’s,” he shrugged. He heaved a deep sigh and locked eyes with Dan. “Look, I want you to be my soulmate – like really want you to be my soulmate – but I would and do like you if you aren’t. If you aren’t into this 100% like I am then I’m not about to force you. Right now I feel perfectly confident saying that I’d be happy spending the rest of my life with you without even looking at my soulmark again. And I know that sounds crazy, and it honestly terrifies me, and maybe it’s just the adrenaline talking, but right now I mean it totally and completely.” He took a deep, calming breath and stood, offering Dan a smile an outstretched hand. “So, that’s me. Everything’s out, so I have one more thing to say. Dan, would you like to go on a date with me under the assumption that we’re not soulmates?”

Dan gave the hand a wary look then turned that look on Phil. “You aren’t allowed to look at my mark, either. If I find out you did, I’ll never speak to you again, soulmates or not,” he warned.

“The thought never even crossed my mind.”

Dan grinned up at him and took the hand. “Then, Phil Lester, you have yourself a deal and a date.”

Done-zel Washington

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[awesomesockes]

Common Ground

Summary: As the dirt walls of his half-dug foxhole collapse in front of him, Officer Cadet Daniel Howell finds himself face-to-face with another soldier. To make matters worse, this one is wearing a German uniform.

Or:

In which Dan and Phil have a rather unorthodox meeting when their foxholes collide.

A/N: this fic (code name: craig) is an idea i’ve had for quite a while, maybe years, and here it is! finally… always good with some historical aus amiright?? i really really like it and i hope you will too (please i need love) also thanks to bethany for writing in the boob-hand-motion. i guess you’ll have to read it to laugh with us lmao

Genre: Historical (WWI), fluff, humour-ish. Warnings: Mentions of blood, war themes. Words: 2371

Common Ground

After stretching his body and throwing his head back for what felt like the millionth time that night, the sun was finally starting to rise. The sky slowly began changing colour to a beautiful mix between blue and orange, and he was once again able to see his breath in the frosty air. Hard to believe he’d ever be grateful to see that again.

In those early dawn hours, the world seemed awfully quiet. Only the sound of his own shovel hitting the ground echoed in the silence. Every strike of the tool burned his palms as he continued to move the heavy, half-frozen dirt from one side of the foxhole to the other in a never ending motion.

In another hour, they’d start shooting again, and all memories of the morning stillness would quickly be forgotten.

So there he was—Officer Cadet Daniel James Howell, serial number 0945065, only eighteen years old—standing knee-deep in muddy water, contemplating the irony of how the hole he was currently digging for protection from the enemy also had the distinct possibility of becoming his own grave. He couldn’t help but smile at how ridiculous it all was.

Just as that thought crossed his mind, the dirt walls came crashing down around him. They landed in the water surrounding his feet, causing mud to splash up and cover the few remaining clean spaces he had left on his uniform. The dirt found its way into his mouth and nose, and he had to cough a few times before registering what had just happened.

At first, he figured he’d just hit an unstable part in the soil to cause the collapse, but then he saw the tip of a boot sticking out from under the mud, and his heart began pounding in his ears.

Dan stared down at the man who had just appeared before him and was now scrambling to free himself from under the pile of dirt. “Looking for something?” Dan asked hoarsely, brushing off his sleeves.

In a moment, the other man was free of the mud and had leapt to his feet. His hands were now fumbling around near his hip. Dan, who was still squinting from the dirt in his eyes, suddenly found himself with a gun pointed at him. His hands flew up into the air.

“Wow, hey. If you shoot that thing, it won’t be just the two of us. People will be swarming here in seconds. You understand what I’m saying?” Dan tried desperately, backing away from the broken wall that stood between them.

The stranger was covered in dirt from head to toe. Like looking in a mirror, Dan took in the sight before him. The same mud, the same freezing water, the same miserable expression. Even their breaths were synchronized.

“Leutnant Philip Michael Lester, 52067,” the soldier spat out, loud and clear. “Stehe bleiben.”

“I wasn’t tryi-”

“Ruhe! Und legen Sie die Schaufel auf den Boden!” Philip said in a commanding tone, nodding towards the shovel Dan was holding above his head in surrender.

“Oh, sorry.” He dropped the shovel, which quickly sank to the bottom of the knee-deep water and disappeared. “Do you speak English? Er… Englisch?”

“A little,” came a shaky reply.

“Great…” Dan mumbled, mostly to himself, and maintained eye contact with his new “friend”.

Silence fell upon them as the sun continued to rise, finally high enough to shine into their, now shared, foxhole.

“You’re bleeding,” Dan pointed out nervously, breaking eye contact to look at the dirty wound along the other’s hairline. Blood was slowly trickling down his forehead and mixing with the mud on his cheek.

The soldier blinked in confusion and slowly moved his left hand from the pistol to the side of his head. An expression of surprise was clearly painted on his face. Dan gradually lowered his arms back to his sides.

“Hände hoch!” the German suddenly yelled, sending Dan jumping backwards, almost tripping over his own feet, with the feeling of his heart leaving his chest.

“I don’t know what that means!” he pleaded.

“Äh… hands up!”

Dan instantly complied. Once again they were standing face to face in silence, breathing heavily.

“We can’t stand here all day. I’m unarmed, I swear.” Glancing over his shoulder Dan caught a glimpse of his rifle, which was standing at least fifteen feet behind him in the foxhole.

Unarmed. That seemed to be the key word. Before Dan got the chance to say anything else, the German collapsed backwards onto a pile of dirt with his head leaning against the side of the trench. All colour had left his face, though he still held the gun in one hand.

Dan exhaled heavily and started running his fingers through his already messy hair, only now realising how much he was shaking as the adrenalin was leaving his body. He glanced over at his neighbour, who seemed to be in the same state.

“I can help you with that. The bleeding. Hilfe?” Dan moved carefully towards the collapsed part of the foxhole. Stepping over the pile of dirt meant stepping into hostile territory. Even though the situation seemed to have calmed, that simple act was enough to set him on edge again.

“Philip, right?”

“Phil, Bitte.” Some colour seemed to have returned to his cheeks since he’d sat down.

“I guess I’m Dan.” Dan pulled out a partly clean handkerchief from his chest pocket and tossed it over to Phil.

“Danke,” he slurred in response, accepting the piece of cloth with shaky fingers.

Dan leaned his head back and took a few deep breaths, finally regaining some control over his own body after the shock of having a loaded gun pointed at his head by the presumed enemy.

“Beautiful morning, huh?” He rubbed his hands together briskly, trying to get some feeling back in them. The black gloves he wore stopped short of covering his fingertips—perfect for gripping the shovel, but lousy for keeping warm. He cupped his hands over his mouth and exhaled hot air into them.

“I do not know about that,” Phil snorted. “Cold.”

“I guess you’re right. I haven’t been able to feel my feet since September.”

“Me neither.” A small smile became visible across Phil’s lips.

The cloth was more red than brown by now, as Phil’s injury continued to bleed. Head wounds always bled an alarming amount; even before the horrors Dan had seen in his past nine months fighting on the frontlines, he’d known that.

Dan watched as the other soldier retrieved a small first aid kit from his chest pocket. It mainly contained gauze, but that would do.

“What do you suggest we do?” Dan asked quietly, still processing what had just occurred. The odds of two foxholes meeting were miniscule, and yet here they were. Two sides of the war, standing in the same pit.

“Cover it up and not speak of it again,” Phil mumbled from his side.

Dan nodded in agreement and started searching for his shovel in the icy mud.

This soldier wasn’t much like Dan had expected. Then again, he didn’t really know what he had expected his first face to face meeting with the enemy would be like. But it sure wasn’t this. Phil seemed much more human than the rumours would have him believe. At least more so than anyone Dan had encountered in no man’s land. Although, everyone was.

“If we start from that side…” Phil suggested, and pointed to Dan’s right with the hand that wasn’t trying to contain the bleeding. “Normally I would have a work plan…”

“We have to move that side first, or it’ll continue to collapse.” Dan pointed at the opposite wall. “See that hole there?”

“Nein,” Phil sighed heavily. “The heavy frozen dirt must be at the bottom. You start over there.”

“Why are Germans always so commanding?” Dan mumbled under his breath, but he began moving the dirt Phil had indicated.

“Why are the English always so messy?” came a quick reply.

Surprised that Phil had even heard Dan muffled words, the Englishman looked up, only to meet two determined eyes. “Even your cars give up half way.”

Dan stopped digging and tightened his grip around the shovel’s handle. “At least you can stand to look at our cars,” he spat back.

“Maybe I should just declare you prisoner of war. This would be much easier.”

“I’d like to see you try.”

“I have the gun, yes?” Phil reminded.

“And I have this shovel.” Dan kicked the end with his boot. “You don’t look much like you’d use that gun anyway.”

A fresh wave of anger seemed to come over the German and once again, Dan was staring down the barrel of a gun. Phil’s hands shook even more than the first time as he fumbled with the pistol.

In one quick motion, Phil raised the gun straight up toward the sky and pulled the trigger.

Dan shut his eyes and covered his ears, yet nothing but a wet sounding click echoed in the trench.

“Well, that was bloody terrifying,” Dan giggled, allowing himself to smile while waving his hands in the air. “England surrenders.”

At this point, he swore he could see smoke coming out of Phil’s ears. Before Dan got the chance to wipe the grin of his face, Phil hurled his gun directly at Dan’s head. Dan just managed to duck out of the way, and the gun landed with a splash in the water a few feet behind him.

Phil was left looking furious. Even given as familiar with grenades as Dan was, he was sure this soldier could be mistaken for one.

“Now we’ve got that out the way, can we move on?” Dan asked.

Without another word, they both resumed moving the dirt in short, aggressive movements. A few angry glares were exchanged. With every deep sigh that Phil let out, Dan had to keep himself from hitting the man over his already injured head with the shovel.

Finally, Dan had had enough of the awkward tension. “You speak good English, you know,” he ventured.

“Danke.” Phil’s shovel made a clang as it hit a rock. “You speak horrible German.”

“I took French.”

Phil stopped digging for a second to glance towards Dan. “Voulez-vous parler français?”

“Show off…” Dan muttered.

Dan caught a quick smile forming on Phil’s lips. As soon as their eyes met, both men quickly turned away again, back to task at hand.

xx

Dan paused working and rested his chin on the end of the shovel, looking thoughtfully at his companion. “One thing I have to ask…”

Phil grunted in response, so Dan went on, “Is it true that the German daily rations are six sausages and one potato?”

Without stopping, Phil glanced up just long enough to reply, “No, we get mustard too.”

“Really?”

Now the German paused and cast Dan a look of exasperation. “What do you think? Is all you drink tea?”

“How would I know?”

Shaking his head, Phil went back to the task of rebuilding the wall. Dan was still leaning on his shovel, looking at Phil with interest.

“What about girls?”

“What about them?” Phil wheezed. “Are you asking if they also eat six sausages and one potato a day?”

“No, I’m just asking…” Dan continued. “Do you have any?”

Phil glanced back over at Dan with one eyebrow raised. “Well, not here.” At this point Phil had already moved about two feet of dirt back into the space between them. As much as Dan hated to admit it, the Germans definitely were efficient. And Phil had been right about the work process after all.

“Is it true German girls have… you know.” He swooped his hands in front of his chest in an exaggerated fashion.

Phil sighed. “When you dig foxfoles all night and shoot people all day, everything becomes meaningless.”

“Even girls?”

“Even girls.”

Dan let out a small huh and looked back down at his boots. The sun was finally high enough to shine into his eyes, forcing him to squint when he looked up again.

“What about the lads?”

Dirt suddenly started raining down Dan’s neck.

xx

The wall was almost at chest height, and lifting the dirt that high was becoming increasingly difficult. Dan’s shoulders were burning again—every muscle in his body was aching. He couldn’t wait for this to be over so he could head back to camp and snag a few hours of sleep.

A single gunshot sounded in the distance and both men stopped moving—only their heavy breathing remained in the air. It was beginning again. The war had awoken once more; the calm stillness of the night was forgotten.

“Düsseldorf.”

“What?” Dan turned his head to meet Phil’s eyes. They were back to looking lifeless, yet somehow full of concern.

“Düsseldorf. That’s where I live, should you ever find yourself lost in Germany.” He was only visible from the neck and up, indicating that their job was almost complete.

“Wokingham. If you ever find yourself lost in England,” Dan responded nervously. Another gunshot echoed above their heads.

Phil gave a quick nod and swallowed the lump in his throat.

At this point, it was only possible for Dan to see glimpses of the other soldier’s head over the remaining gap in the nearly intact wall.

“Oh… Dein Taschentuch!” Phil said hurriedly, holding out the formerly white piece of cloth as far as the wall would allow him. Dan could just spot the initials his mum had embroidered in the corner of the handkerchief—D.H.

“Keep it,” Dan replied. He was standing on tiptoe now to peer over dirt.

Phil smiled back—a true, genuine smile that made his eyes light up for the first time that morning. “Thank you.” He grasped the fabric tighter in his fingers and lowered his hand back down.

Dan grinned in return. Then he lifted up one final shovelful of dirt to fill the gap, and Phil was gone.

The fighting was picking up pace now, and Dan could hear cannons in the distance, followed by shouts.

“Hey Phil?” he breathed, his voice mixing with the sounds of the war.

“Ja, Dan?” floated back a voice.

“Merry Christmas.”

thend

- read my last phanfic: Wonderful Wonderful - read my next phanfic: Paper Airplanes - read my new chaptered phanfic: Renegade - on mobile and want all my fics? no problem!

[paradisobound]

Forever the One

Summary: When Omega Dan is of age, he is told by his father that he will be sold off to find an Alpha mate. Cue, Alpha Phil. Alpha Phil is in desperate need for a mate, and although Phil is only a few years older than Dan, he holds a reasoning behind why he needs a mate so quickly. When secrets are revealed that give up why Phil needed a mate, this story may not have a happy ending.

Chaptered Work: This is chapter 4 of 16.

Warnings: None! But if anyone notices one, PLEASE message me and tell me so I can change this! 

Word Count: 1,680

Authors Note: This chapter is made to not only foreshadow, but begin to progress the story faster. I’m hoping this worked and I really begin making a great impression with this story. Soon enough, you’re not gonna know what hit you or where it came from! Anyways, happy reading! :) 

*Masterlist*

I was confused about Phil’s words. Why wasn’t I allowed to get attached to my mate? Phil was my mate and we were supposed to be bonded, “So, we’re not going to bond?” 

Phil shook his head at me, “We’re going to bond,” he said softly, “It’s just that I have reasonings on why you can’t be attached.” 

“But…” Phil shook his head again. 

I shut up and didn’t speak any more about the subject. 

The rest of the evening, well whatever remained of it, was spent by us being silent with one another. I don’t think it was meant to be awkward but it kind of was. Mostly because I kept thinking about what he told me. 

I was just so confused on why I couldn’t grow attached to him. I was already growing attached to him by the minute. 

My thinking ended up tiring me out. I don’t know why or how but I was soon curled up in Phil’s lap and sleeping with my head on his chest. As I was in the shallow pits of sleep, i noticed something odd about Phil’s breathing: it was faint and barely heard. 

But I was too far gone to register what that could mean. 

For the time that remained with Phil and I alone before his parent’s came back, we used our time wisely. And by wisely, I meant either cuddling on his couch, sharing sweet moments, and eating pizza. We didn’t do anything further than cuddle and I was getting okay with that. 

I liked how he was taking it slow. 

But at the same time, I really wanted to kiss him. But I knew that Omega’s weren’t in the place to ever do something like that. So every-time, I would just stare at Phil’s lips and wish I was kissing him. 

Sooner than I would have liked, Phil’s parents arrived back home, leaving Phil and I to act like we were closer than before. Which, wasn’t entirely a lie because we were closer, but was also kind of a bummer because I wished we would’ve went a tiny bit further when we were alone. 

And I know I probably just contradicted myself. 

But I’m terrified of getting my heat. I’m still taking my suppressants and I know that I should probably go off from them soon, but I was so scared of my heat. I haven't had one in so long that this one would probably be worse than any other. My body has been denied something it kept craving for so long that I doubt that I’d so through this one easy. 

Furthermore, it was going to be messy. 

Heats weren’t exactly clean. 

I will produce copious amounts of slick that will ruin and stain the sheets around me. My mind will not be able to process my thoughts and I will be completely ruined. I’ll need toys of all sorts to fulfill me if Phil isn’t there when my heat begins. 

And 9 out of 10 times, the Alpha’s rut will be triggered and that will make it worse. 

God, I’m so terrified of it. 

Phil was taking a nap in his room when I decided to head out and talk with his parent’s officially. I haven’t gotten a chance to since Phil came back because I’ve been spending all my time with him. 

They were both sitting in the living room, Alpha Lester with his laptop on his knees and Omega Lester with a magazine. They looked like such a typical couple and I really wanted that for Phil and I one day. 

They must of heard me approach because both looked up at the same time, “Dan!” Alpha Lester said happily, “Have a seat.” 

I smiled bashfully before having a seat on the couch across from them. I felt like I was being put on the spot but I didn’t have any other choice of seating. “Can I speak with you guys?” I asked carefully. 

Both stopped what they were doing and set down their distractions as they stared me down. I felt like their stares were cutting through me and I was feeling really uncomfortable. 

“I’ve just been wondering,” I began, “why did you choose me to be a mate for Phil?” 

Alpha Lester visibly relaxed and chuckled a little, “Well, I went and looked at all types of possible Omega’s, male and female, and none of them suited what I believed Phil would like. Your father put your ad out there and I showed Phil a photo of you and I noticed his face light up, even if he didn’t want it to. So I came and saw you in person and decided that you were completely right for him.” 

I smiled and blushed, “Wow,” I said speechless, “That’s amazing and I’m really glad that you chose me because I really enjoy being Phil’s mate,” he stopped, “But I’m a little concerned over Phil’s health.” 

Alpha Lester stared me down, “Phil is perfectly—”

“But listen,” I said more strongly than I would have liked, “The other night, while we were in his room, he was sitting on his bed and when he stood up, he couldn’t breath. He was choking and coughing and I was so concerned. And then when you were gone, it happened again.” 

Alpha Lester shook his head, “Nothing wrong with Phil. I’m sure he’s just getting sick.” 

“But he couldn’t breathe!” I argued back becoming upset over my mate, “I was so scared for him because I didn’t know what was happening! Something is going on with Phil.” 

“Nothing is going on and the subject is—”

“I’m not gonna try to be vulgar but how am Phil and I going to have sex and fulfill the bond if he can’t breath just from standing up too fast?” 

Alpha Lester suddenly stood and towered over me, “The subject is over and we’re done discussing it.” 

His booming voice terrified me and I jumped up from the couch, rushing out of the room as I heard the sounds of a clearly upset Omega. My heart hurt from hearing it and I rushed up to Phil’s room where I saw he was still sleeping. My distress must have woke him up because he suddenly sat up and opened his arms, “Oh, my Omega, come here!” he commanded and I immediately crawled across the bed and enveloped myself in his arms. 

“I’m sorry,” I said softly, “I’m just upset but I think being here is already relaxing me.” 

“What are you upset about?” he asked and I sighed. 

“A lot.” 

“Want to tell me?” 

I shrugged in his arms, “I don’t know if it’s my place.” 

He kissed the top of my head and the feeling made my body visibly relax. My Alpha was helping me and I loved it. 

“Can you try?” he asked softly, “I’m sure you’ll feel better.” 

“Well, for starters,” I said, “I got home sick a few days ago and that’s still washing over me.” 

“Was your family good to you?” 

“The best,” I answered, “I miss them a lot.” 

I was beginning to tear up thinking about them now. Have they found my sister a mate yet? Was my sister feeling the heartbreak from me being gone that I’m feeling from them being away from me? Do my parent’s still think about me? Do they miss me? 

I sighed into Phil, letting a stray tear rush down my cheek, “I’d miss mine too if I was away from them.” 

I snuggled further in to him, “What about your life?” I asked, “I didn’t hear much about you.” 

He sighed, and I could feel his chest move below me in a shallow way, “Well, there isn’t much to know really,” he began, “I was my parent’s only because of…” he stopped suddenly, “my parent’s were always really generous to me,” he continued, “I went to the best schools, I go to a great college, and I love them very much for what they’ve done to help me.”

“What were you going to say before?” I asked curiously, “Why didn’t your parent’s have another child?” 

He shook his head and I could feel it move against my hair, “That’s irrelevant.” I began to think a little before I responded. Does this have to do with his health? Is this why his dad was so quick to deny it and his mother was so upset at the mention of it? 

“Are you okay?” I asked, running my hand over his chest and feeling the slight muscle definition under his shirt. 

“I’m great,” he answered slowly, “You’re going to make the best mate.” 

I took notice of the subject change but I didn’t acknowledge it. 

“I hope I do,” I said softly, “I wanna please you.” 

“You already have.” 

And suddenly, his hand was running over my stomach again, flatly and gently against my shirt before moving it under. His cold hand touched my skin and I flinched. But then my skin got used to the feeling and I breathed out, really enjoying the touch. 

“Why do you keep touching my stomach?” I asked, putting my hand over his.

“Because I keep imagining how amazing you’re going to look with my baby one day.” 

I smiled at him, “One day,” I said with a chuckle, “Not any time soon.” 

He nipped at my hair line before nuzzling my hair, “Hm…maybe we can change that.” 

I moved my head so I could look up at him, “You want me to have your baby soon?” 

He nodded, “Preferably.” 

“What’s the rush?” I asked gently, not trying to start another argument, “We’re both so young.” 

“There are a lot of things that make it why we need a baby soon,” he said gently and with a shallow voice that was suddenly full of emotion, “And I hope I’ll be able to explain that soon.” 

I sighed and rested against him, thinking over the thoughts in my head. 

I didn’t want a baby yet.

Why did he went a baby already

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