#THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION IN SCHOOL
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The responder to the TERF is absolutely correct.
Human or any kind of animal body interaction at all is based on environmental interaction. They come and go together. Fixating on the body is the same thing as fixating on the ego, since the body only exists in the mind. All ideals of the body that is. The material properties themselves are shared with the environment.
Basic atomic theory should really tell these TERFS this. So I can only imagine the reason why they still insist they’re right is because they don’t want to learn even high school levels of science - let alone anything more complicated than that. However biology and physiology alongside the external environment and its physics is still something we do not fully understand to this day.
The body itself does not actually exist beyond the cells that make up what it is, - but that gets completely replaced with what’s around it every 7 years or so.
So technically… We’re all trans if we looked at it that way as a collective consciousness. It’s only our ideals of gender that are remembered and recollected by the mind that makes us think that we can’t change bio sex.
Of course we can. We do it more often than we realize.
We just don’t assign a gender identity to it.
We simply just get on with our lives without ever paying attention to what cells (atoms) have been replaced with the cells of something else that’s in the environment.
But you try explaining that to a TERF and they’ll think you’ve gone mad. Not madness, friend. Just education.
Try it sometime.
But yes, biological sex is not inherent in a human simply because it was never a permanence in the first place
What we are we share with what everything else is - which has to have a specific name or “identity” to it.
That’s a lot of identities. I’m someone that has never believed that the external and the internal are real existing phenomena on their own. That is, separated.
It’s never made any sense to me to believe that way considering we are made up of the exact same stuff as what everything else in the Universe is made up of and we consume that of the exact same stuff as that does.
To believe that the world or Universe exists separately from the animal that questions it is just insanity to me.
If that were really the way things worked, we’d all be standing on our heads because there’d be no space.
If everybody in this world understood the innate relationship between themselves and the environment there’d be none of this TERF shit being perpetuated by faux scientific or spiritual intellectualism. They’d simply just accept that anyone can change their biological sex because gender and “identity” in itself doesn’t exist.
It is nothing but fixated ideals and ideas. Concepts. We cling to concepts as if the brain was a mechanical thing.
Or as if everything was mechanical or technological
It’s mad to me that a lot of TERF ideology comes from religionists when they’re the ones that don’t want to think of the world mechanically. They go against their own ideology just because they’re not educated on science enough. If they were, they’d realize just how much their own spiritualistic understanding is correct.
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could you pretend to be in love? (10/10)
The Realization
pairing: modern!aemond × fem!reader (fake dating)
summary: prom is coming and so is the end of a stage in your life. surprises and unexpected conversations take place, the question is, are you able to forgive in order to move on?
word count: 9.7k
previous part • series masterlist
this is not a drill, it's really happening!
first of all, i want to apologize for having left this story aside without finishing it. it wasn't something i decided, the writer's block precisely in this fic made me not try anymore for a while, mostly to clear my mind and my ideas, because i had no idea what to write after chapter nine 💀
so I hope you really forgive me and enjoy the last chapter 🥺 it has been an honor to have given you this little fic, I really enjoyed writing it despite the little mental breakdowns I had haha
and just like my other stories, I keep it in my heart and it will always be here for whenever you want to reread (I will make sure to post it in AO3, don't worry) i'm also thinking of doing a poll about the epilogue where you guys will decide if you want one or prefer this ending. let me know after you finish reading the chapter 🤗
enjoy and I look forward to your comments!
It still all feels like a bad dream that you can't wake up from. An unwanted dream. A nightmare.
And every time a new day comes, you feel like a human being who does everything in automatic mode, not because you really want to.
In front of your dad you must pretend that everything is fine, but as soon as you leave home and get to school, you feel a huge weight and a sadness that nothing and no one can take away from you.
You feel the stares of some people on you, if not all of them. But the truth is that you feel so emotionally drained that you don't even pay attention to them.
Many would say that not being accepted to a college doesn't mean it's the end of the world. Nor does it mean that your chances are over because there is still too much time to be able to do everything you want.
And you accept that they are right. All is not lost because you didn't get accepted.
When you were rejected the first time when you applied in conjunction with the scholarship, disillusionment sets in. There is disappointment in yourself for not being enough and there is this question that constantly floats in your mind; why others do and I don't? Why am I not worthy of the same fate as them?
Maybe it's age, but it's inevitable to feel that rejection and failure after having so many plans and having in mind the idea of making your dad proud by telling him that you've been accepted to college.
And not just any college, but Citadel.
But so far, you haven't had the courage to tell him instead that you won't go to any college. You just can't. You don't know what exactly you'll tell him and you don't want to face it yet. You don't want to see his disappointed face so you need more time.
So instead of dreams and aspirations, as well as preparing to live a college life, you prepare and focus on getting a job. You don't see employment as a bad thing either. You just wish you didn't have to focus on it right now.
You haven't talked to Aemond either. You haven't even seen him.
You're in some classes together. But you barely pay attention. Even though you used to notice his presence before and now, unconsciously, you ignore it. Now your mind is too busy with your worries.
It's like being in a disconnect. You are just there, existing. But you barely talk, barely react and barely do. You just want classes to end soon so you can go home.
Of course, he hasn't stopped trying.
He wants to talk to you, but you won't let him. You just don't want to have anything to do with him anymore. Even though you feel that emptiness he has left, you immediately force yourself not to think about it.
It's like pain and confusion mixed together, but your pride and that same pain makes you prefer to stay away.
You don't even care anymore what people say about him and you. It's obvious that the two of you are no longer in a 'relationship'. No one knows what happened and neither one of you is clarifying anything.
Which you are grateful for, so as not to feed the topic in the whole school.
Meanwhile, Alysanne and Cregan are almost always around you, trying to cheer you up and make you endure school better. You couldn't be more grateful for both of them either.
"So what are your plans for the weekend?"
Alysanne asks as the three of you are sitting on a bench in the outside courtyard. On the bench where you and Aemond made the fake relationship contract, precisely. But you try not to focus on that as the three of you eat lunch.
"We're going to the movies, did you forget already?" asks Cregan, confused.
"Huh? This weekend?"
"You forgot," he assures her.
"I didn't forget!" she lies, nervous.
"We agreed to go on Saturday. To the ten o'clock function for the horror movie."
Oh yes, the two of them are dating. Just as you and Aemond have 'broken up', so you try not to feel more distressed about it.
"Do you want to come, Y/N?"
You raise your gaze to Alysanne, confused, who gives you a smile.
"It's a date, isn't it? Just the two of you."
"We'll have more dates," she makes a nonchalant gesture.
Poor Cregan.
"Besides, it would do you good to clear your head a bit. So, what better than going to the movies? Right, Cregan?"
"Yeah, it'll do you good," he nods.
"No, thank you," you say softly, "I don't want to interfere with your dates. Besides, I'm not in the mood to go out. I'd rather stay home."
"You're not going to interfere with anything. Besides, you've stayed home enough days," she reproaches you, "Come on. Even one night. We'll have a great time."
"If you don't want to go to the movies, we can go somewhere else," Cregan proposes.
You grimace slightly.
"No, thank you. I..." you sigh, "I really appreciate it, guys. But I'd rather stay home."
Staying home to look for a proper job and plan to tell your dad you won't be going to college, like you've been doing for the past few days.
"Are you sure?" Alysanne looks at you not entirely convinced.
"Yeah," you shrug, "Don't worry about me."
"Of course I worry about you."
"You should focus on your date," you say as you give Cregan a meaningful look.
"Totally," Cregan nods, "In fact, she'll plan the next date."
"What?" she looks at him in horror.
"What you heard."
"And why me?"
"Because I always do."
Your talk with them doesn't last long as soon the bell rings and they head off to their respective classes, except for you, who has a free hour.
So you stand on the bench alone, just looking outside and nothing else, enjoying your lunch unhurriedly and in peace and quiet.
You let out a long breath and distract yourself for a few moments in your social networks, watching as some people post their reactions from when they were accepted to colleges. Everyone screams, smiles and cries of happiness with their families.
Except for others who quietly show how they were not accepted. But they open more emails and get accepted to other colleges.
You wish you were part of them.
You close those apps and go to Tiktok to distract yourself for a while by watching funny videos or storytimes.
When suddenly, you hear footsteps approaching behind you, which catches your attention. You turn your head, peeking over your shoulder and then you see him, Aemond.
He stops as soon as your eyes look directly into his, as if you've caught him in the act of robbery. Which reveals how very cautious he was being to approach and not scare you.
You see the uncertainty in his gaze, the insecurity and the wariness all at the same time. Which is rare for him, as he doesn't allow himself to look so vulnerable. But you understand why he's this way with you.
First you think about getting up and leaving him with the word in his mouth, like you've been doing lately. But for some reason, it's like finally your mind resigns and your body will force you to stay where you're sitting. And you don't even know why.
Or maybe it's because he's begging you with his gaze not to leave and listen to what he has to say after so many weeks.
Inevitably your nerves invade you and neither he nor you say anything for a few long seconds. He just stands still, as if testing the waters, waiting to see if you will move away from him again attentively.
Then he swallows hard and watches you with a sad but hopeful expression.
“Can I come closer?”
You press your lips together, think about it for a few seconds and finally give him a barely visible nod.
You turn your gaze to the front and begin to put your tupper with food in your backpack. While at the same time Aemond approaches you, cautious but firm. And surprised that you are allowing him to do this.
You let out a long breath and bring a hand to your hair, nervous, not knowing why.
Then he steps in front of you and only at that moment, you realize he has a folder in his hand. A folder that he sets down on the table in front of you, with smooth, cautious movements.
“I just came to drop this off for you. Nothing else.”
You raise your gaze to look at it confused for a moment, then look back down at the folder in front of you.
“It's the paperwork you need to submit to finalize the scholarship process,” he says softly, “Classes start in two months and by now you should have received an email from the university with all the information as an incoming student.”
Wait, what?
Your mind immediately questions, as you frown more and feel your heart start to beat too fast.
“What are you talking about?” you ask in a low murmur, not understanding.
And Aemond lets out a long breath.
“I'm keeping my promise.”
His words echo steadily in your mind.
And you dare to raise your gaze to him again, confused, serious and incredulous. And what he does is lower his gaze, sorrowful and unsure. However… he is firm with what he is saying.
Then a tingle begins to run through your hands, at the same time as you feel the nervousness sweep through your body like a wave. You part your lips as you look at the folder in front of you and with trembling hands, you pick it up and open it.
The first thing you see is the university logo and an overwhelming sensation sweeps over your body and mind as you see what appears to be a letter addressed to you.
Miss. Y/N Y/L/N, Faculty of Law. Official documentation for the scholarship process.
You feel the air you were holding in your lungs slowly leave your mouth. And a huge weight that you felt in your chest is lifted, allowing you to rest and breathe properly.
At first, you think your mind is playing a joke on you. You think he's doing it. But… this is real. More real than you can imagine.
“I know I didn't do things the right way…
Aemond begins to speak, noticing the mix of shock and confusion in your gaze, breathing hard through your mouth.
“I know I took you for granted and that I hurt you,” he says softly, “But that was never my intention, Y/N. I-I… I thought I would get everything under control. That I would work it out and get everything done on time. But, it's just… I don't even have justification.”
You feel tears begin to form in your eyes. But you control yourself. You bite the inside of your cheek and try not to let his words make you break down in tears.
As if the fact that you have in front of you one of the papers confirming and assuring you that you will finally go to the college of your dreams isn't enough.
“I should have acted sooner and looked for solutions. I should have been honest with you from the beginning. And you don't know how sorry I am,” he says softly and vulnerably, his gaze lowered, ”I also don't expect you to forgive me for keeping a promise and asking for forgiveness. I know I fucked up and things can never go back to the way they were. But I just want you to know…” he takes a moment, "That I really did fall in love with you."
Fuck.
“What I felt for you was real. It was never a game or a pretense. I was just… afraid,” he admits, ”Afraid of fucking up what we had. Afraid it would all fall apart if I told you the truth. But… I ruined everything,” he says with a resigned tone, ”You don't have to talk to me again either if you don't want to. You don't owe me anything. I just wanted to tell you the truth and let you know how sorry I am.”
Each word echoes in your mind, with the weight of his regret and his sincerity. You feel the tremble in your body, not helping the fact that you are still staring at the college sheet addressed to your name.
And you hold back, trying to calm the chaos being unleashed inside you by his words.
When he doesn't say anything else, you certainly won't and you both fall silent for a moment, as the weight of his words and the meaning of them fill the space. Until he speaks again.
“I won't bother you anymore,” he moves forward a bit back to the way he came, “Best of luck at Citadel. You deserve it, you really do,” he tells you with a small smile that is sad but genuine at the same time.
Then his figure disappears from your field of vision and you hear him start to walk away. And at that moment, the world seems to stop for you.
Unable to help yourself, you turn your head and watch him walk away with tears in your eyes. There is something in his walk, in that slight slope of his shoulders, that screams the burden he carries. And you don't know why, but… you want to call him, to tell him something that will ease the knot you both feel.
However, you know that won't fix anything.
You feel the air leave you, his words still echoing in your mind. You stare at the folder again, trying to remember what this achievement meant to you before this moment, before he came and stirred all the emotions in you.
You try to be strong, you try not to let this affect you more than it should, you think of the positive. But you can't.
So still in disbelief, excitement, sadness and with all your emotions mixed up, you take your phone, unlock it and open your emails app. And there, your most recent email, you read: Citadel University.
With your hands shaking, you press the email and read in slightly larger letters: Welcome to Citadel University! Miss Y/N, Y/L/N. Faculty of Law, Registration number: 31982.
Then, finally, you can't hold back the tears any longer and you put a hand to your mouth, letting them out, with confused and intense feelings coming over you.
Your father's loving and proud words, hugs and kisses make you smile.
It took you four days to finally break the news to him. And seeing him so happy, excited and proud, made you finally stop feeling so bad for even a moment. You also broke the news to Alysanne and Cregan, who were very happy for you.
Neither of them mentioned Aemond, which you appreciated. But there is the clear acknowledgement to him for making this possible.
You obviously left the job search behind and instead started contacting the university. You sent the missing and necessary documents, they sent you information about the scholarship, your schedule, classes and also about your dorm.
It's like finally this void in your chest is being filled as you finally see this all happening. And as you look at the pictures of the university, with old, elegant and modern architecture at the same time, that excitement rises in you.
However, what you feel is not happiness in its entirety.
In fact, you feel in the middle of a crossroads; joy is mixed with sadness. And the satisfaction of fulfilling the dream feels incomplete.
The worst part is that you know why.
But you don't think about it too much either. You don't want to. On the contrary, you force yourself to repeat over and over again that this was the plan all along. You force yourself to enjoy it and get excited.
You force yourself to think that what happened outside of getting into the college of your dreams was for a reason, but in the end you got what you really wanted.
But, deep down inside, you think about how you wish things could have been different.
At the same time, prom is just around the corner.
At first, you thought about not attending, but of course, Alysanne wouldn't let you think about it anymore. She dragged you with her to the dress store and sentenced that it will be a date of three, her, Cregan and you.
You tried to persuade her, to make her understand that Cregan only wants her as his date. But, of course, Cregan as the great friend he also is, told you it would be fun.
Certainly neither he nor you nor Alysanne have ever been on a three-way date and he told you; what better than to try it at the prom?
The prom preparations are done. Now the important thing is to turn in final projects and get rid of all the pending with the professors.
And that's what you're doing now.
With your headphones on and a notebook along with a book on your table, you're about to finish a long, boring project. When you notice how a figure suddenly obscures your workspace and you raise your gaze almost instantly, curious.
Helaena.
You remove your headphones, surprised to see her as she smiles softly at you.
“Hi,” you say to her in a soft tone, putting your project aside for a moment.
“Hi,” she says to you in the same soft tone, ”I… am I interrupting you?”
“Oh no,” you say nonchalantly, “I mean, yes, but I'm just about to finish it anyway. Don't worry.”
She looks at you a little unsure.
“Are you sure? It's just… I don't know,“ she shrugs, 'It's been a while since we last talked and I didn't know if I could come up to you.”
Again you ignore the small sharp pain in your chest at the memory of Aemond and try to look like you're not at all affected by having his sister in front of you.
“Yeah, well…” you try to smile a little, ”Things have been… intense lately.”
She nods as she takes a seat across from you.
“So it's official?” she asks you with a sad tone as she watches you with a sad little smile, “Like, I mean… you and my brother aren't coming back together?”
This time, the sharp pain in your chest is stronger and more persistent. As well as her question hits you like a wave.
How can you tell her that, in reality, everything you and Aemond had was false? That it was all part of an agreement?
The guilt begins to consume you as you see her face full of expectations and the worst thing is that it's not something you should tell her. That should be Aemond. But, still, you feel the urge to cry and you feel the need to finally tell her the truth, for the sake of everyone who made you believe the fake relationship.
“Helaena…” you begin, your voice barely a whisper, ”I-I… need to be honest with you.”
You take a breath, expecting the worst and imagining a series of difficult emotions to deal with.
“This whole thing between Aemond and I… it was fake,” you speak fearfully and sorrowfully, ”We were just… pretending for our own convenience. It wasn't…” you sigh, closing your eyes for a moment heavily, ”It wasn't real.”
You expected surprise, indignation, incredulity, anger, and more, all at the same time. But to your greatest surprise and bewilderment, she doesn't seem remotely surprised. Instead, she just smiles softly at you, full of understanding, as if she's been waiting for this moment for a long time.
“I already knew that,” she tells you in a serene tone that disarms you.
You feel your lungs hold all your air and you watch her completely stunned, surprised and confused with your parted lips. Then you blink, processing her words.
“What?”
“Aemond told me everything the moment you set up your rules,” she replies calmly, “The truth is, he never hides anything from me. He can't. So I already knew what you both were doing from the beginning.”
You continue to watch her in shock and disbelief, unable to believe it, trying to understand how she could have kept this to herself so naturally.
And in that moment, with disbelief and surprise beating in your chest, you realize that in every single conversation you had with her, right here at school, at parties, even at that family dinner that ended in disaster thanks to Aegon's drunkenness… she had always known.
“Though I don't always approve of his decisions, I understood why he did it… and why you did too.”
But your mind is still short-circuiting, processing and comprehending.
You relive in your mind every moment you went out of your way to pretend, believing you were fooling everyone, especially her. And yet, there's Helaena, looking at you with an expression of calm and empathy that completely disarms you.
“So you knew?” you are able to formulate in asking in a breathy whisper.
She nods, smiling softly.
“Easy, only I knew.“
“And you're not upset?” you ask confused, still waiting for some sign of reproach.
“Not at all. On the contrary, I'm relieved,” she tells you honestly, ”People made fun of Aemond after Alys. And, well, that left a mark on him. You know what rumors are like here.”
“Oh, believe me I do.”
“And they made him miserable. It also didn't help at all that Alys was his first girlfriend and his first formal relationship but the two of them didn't love each other, it was just obsession and whim,” she says absurdly, "And with you, at least, he got some peace back, even if it was temporary."
“But then…” you look at her blankly, “Why did you ask me if we'll get back together?”
Helaena sighs, her gaze soft but intense.
“Because in the end the two of you really fell in love. I saw you at Dragonstone and it was… too obvious.”
You remain silent, remembering those moments.
Both of you walking through those historical corridors, seeing and learning absolutely everything about old Valyria. Both holding hands, fascinated in the aquarium watching everything around or walking together on the shore of the beach, laughing, exchanging glances, hugging and kissing every now and then that everything felt too sincere to be pretending.
You relived every moment and every detail that you wished you could go back to when everything was fine.
Aemond had been different with you those days, a side of him that you had never seen and had thought only existed because of his performance in the fake relationship you had both agreed to.
But even you, being there, without the pressure to pretend, you felt the barriers fall between the two of you, because it was all real.
“He fell in love with you, Y/N,” Helaena tells you sincerely, “You… you did too?”
You feel a lump form in your throat and you let the question float in the air for a moment. The answer is so clear in your mind that it hurts; and yet, saying it out loud feels like breaking a promise you had made to protect yourself.
“Yes, I did too,” you admit, sadness settling in your chest, "But…" you take a deep breath, watching her, ”What happened with Floris even though it was a mistake… and then, the fact that he didn't tell me the truth about Citadel, it really hurt me.”
Helaena nods softly, not judging you, simply listening to you. And when she speaks, her tone is so serene and understanding that it comforts you.
“My brother has this amazing ability to do things in the worst possible way,” she says with a small resigned smile, ”Floris was a mistake. He was drunk and well, he told me that before that both of you have had a disagreement, although that doesn't justify it, I know. I'm just saying, it really was a mistake.”
Your mind momentarily flashes back to that moment, when you tried to end the fake relationship after the family dinner thing.
“And as for the Citadel thing…” she pauses, searching for the right words, “He freaked out, Y/N. He didn't know how to tell you without ruining everything. And I know that doesn't justify it either, but…” she sighs, ”He was going to do whatever it took to hold up his part of the contract. He just didn't count on our grandfather suddenly getting difficult. Our family is already so fucked up as it is, that was the last thing he expected.”
Her words suddenly make you feel interested and curious about a specific topic you hadn't remembered until now. But Helaena continues to speak and you listen to her.
“Even though his method was disastrous, in his mind, he was protecting you,” she says, ”Again, I'm not justifying it. But I know he was desperate to get you that place at Citadel no matter what because he knew you deserved it. And…” she smiles at you with a gesture of resignation, "I think he loves you enough to do stupidly risky things. Even go against grandfather and act behind his back knowing how much trouble he could get into.”
You bite the inside of your cheek and feel a knot of emotions form in your chest. Everything she's telling you opens a door to feelings you'd tried to repress, to thoughts you'd rather bury.
You take a deep breath, remembering again those days at Dragonstone.
You relive every moment, when words were redundant and the silence between the two of you felt so full of meaning. He was always watching you in a way that seemed to say everything and nothing at the same time. He was slowly revealing that vulnerable part of himself that he seemed to have lost after Alys.
But as much as you want to think straight, your thoughts are a whirlwind of conflicting emotions. On the one hand, the pain of it all consumes you but on the other, there's the certainty of how you feel about him.
Even when you're hurting, you know you can't ignore it.
“I know he's still waiting, deep down, for maybe…” Helaena pauses, “Maybe there's a chance for both of you.”
The expression on her face is so sincere and tender that you find it impossible not to believe her, and the thought fills you with a mixture of relief and pain. Because, despite everything, you still love him, and that truth is impossible to deny.
“I don't know,” you confess, biting your lips and feeling your eyes water, ”I-I…I don't know what to do. I mean, we're already graduating. We'll go to the same college but I doubt we'll see each other, you know? And I just… n-no… I don't know….
“Hey, hey,” Helaena tells you instantly, ”It's okay. We don't have to talk about this anymore. I didn't want to overwhelm you or burden you, I just wanted to tell you my opinion and for you to talk to someone in case you needed to,” she tells you softly, comfortingly, ”Still, it's something between the two of you and we can talk about anything else.”
You thank her with a relieved look, her gesture of empathy appearing as she watches you with her soft, understanding expression. And then, she speaks with a more casual tone, changing the subject with a lightness that relieves you a bit.
“You have everything ready for graduation? Are you bringing a date?”
“Hum… yes, I already have everything ready,” you nod, ”And no, I'll go with my two friends. I think you met them, Alysanne and Cregan.”
“Oh yes! I know them,” she says with a smile, ”And I'm going with a friend too. I don't really like the idea of everything being so formal, so going with a friend will make it all more fun.”
Both are silent for a few moments, and although the conversation has taken on a lighter tone, you feel there's still a question trapped in your chest. And at the memory of that day, an impulse prompts you to speak before you can stop yourself.
“Helaena,” you call her softly, "I… can I ask you something?" you ask almost in a whisper, lowering your gaze a little, hesitating.
She watches you curiously and nods without hesitation.
“Yeah, sure.”
“Hum…” you stir in your seat, “That night, at dinner, Aegon said something… about your dad not caring about you. What did he mean by that?”
She immediately looks like she wasn't expecting that question at all, which immediately makes you regret it, but then she softens her whole gaze, not looking at all uncomfortable or upset.
“Oh, well… our dad…” she begins to speak, choosing her words precisely, “Well, he was always very neglectful with us. He always left all the work to mom to take care of us, even when she had to work too so she wasn't totally dependent on him,” she explains, ”It was chaos for a long time. Aegon and I lost years of education because of his lack of commitment.”
“Really?” you look at her attentively and surprised.
“He missed the date to register us for kindergarten in our proper time. He always forgot our birthdays or some important date. But, of course, that never happened to him with our older stepsister, Rhaenyra.”
You remember Aemond mentioning her, though not much.
“And you don't talk to her?”
“Yes, of course,” she says with a small smile, “She was never at blame. In fact, by comparison, she always took us into account and never forgot our existence,” she explains, ”And well, eventually mom divorced him. And the only good thing dad did in the end was to mention us and give us parts of his inheritance in his will.”
Helaena's sincerity and calmness in sharing this about her life surprises you and, at the same time, makes you understand the complicated family history behind them. Now it's no wonder why Aegon was so angry to bring up the subject of parents.
Nor do you ignore the connection you begin to feel towards them, obviously because of your mother and her abandonment.
“It must have been very difficult, for everyone,” you murmur, ”I'm sorry to hear that.”
She nods, though her expression doesn't reflect bitterness, but something akin to mature acceptance.
“Yes, but that made us strong,” she says with a slight smile, "Aegon was the one who resented his absence the most, as you could see," she tells you knowingly, ”You know, being the eldest and all. But we're more… happy now, now that he's gone,” she confesses.
You let out a long breath, watching her with compassion.
“Thank you for telling me. I didn't mean to intrude, really.”
“No, it's fine, it really doesn't affect me,” she assures you softly, ”After that Aegon scene at dinner, it's valid you know. So don't worry.”
You both smile softly at each other, expressions warm and sincere, falling silent. When Helaena stands up, slinging her backpack over her shoulder.
“Well…” she says, letting out a slight sigh, adjusting her backpack, ”I should be going now. I also have projects to finish.”
“Sure,” you nod, ”Thanks for coming and talking to me.”
“Oh, there's nothing to thank you for. Anytime. I'll see you later, okay?”
“Okay.”
You both say goodbye and you watch her walk away in the direction of the main building, her silver hair shining in the sunlight, as you let out a long breath and put your headphones back in.
Prom.
You really don't understand what you're doing here. But it's all Alysanne's doing, like the makeup, hairstyle and dress.
You get out of Cregan's car with a beautiful lilac metallic dress on. Finding it wasn't hard at all, since it was like love at first sight, especially since it has a princess cut. And upon measuring it, Alysanne also decided that it was the one.
The hairstyle was also easy, after all, you didn't want anything too voluminous or too fancy. So a wavy style in your hair with a crown of silver flowers at the crown of your head was the perfect touch.
Alysanne on the other hand chose a beautiful wine colored dress that flatters her at every angle, deciding to gather her hair with two strands falling on either side of her face, making her look absolutely elegant and gorgeous.
And once all three of you are ready, Cregan dressed in an impeccable dark suit, offers you both his arms and you enter the grand ballroom of the luxurious hotel together.
The ballroom is illuminated by the typical disco balls hanging from the high ceiling, casting silver and white sparkles that create an almost magical atmosphere.
The decor is elegant and subtle, with centerpieces of fresh flowers and candles giving each table a touch of romantic charm.
You feel a mixture of nerves and excitement as you enter, as if it's all part of a dream. After all, it is your prom and tonight symbolizes a chapter you are about to close, your high school years.
The dance floor is in the center, surrounded by tables in a circle and already some of the guests have started to dance, getting lost in the rhythm of the soft music that fills the atmosphere thanks to the DJ.
Although not only disco balls light up the place, but also some colored lights to make the atmosphere more colorful.
If someone had told you in your freshman year everything that was going to happen in your final year, you would have laughed out loud and wouldn't have believed it at all, because your life was too boring.
But here you are, with still those events in mind, where at the end of the night, you will put them behind you.
You adjust your lilac dress, whose princess-cut skirt falls in soft layers to the floor. The fabric moves with you, as if it were an extension of your own footsteps, and the color shimmers delicately under the silver lights.
The three of you make your way to one of the tables to take a seat and you take a closer look around you as the decorations and you also see familiar faces of some of your classmates, some laughing in groups and others on the dance floor with their dates.
And Alysanne, excited and obsessed with everything, wants to have memories of the whole night and soon the three of you are taking a long selfie session with her phone.
Cregan complains about too many photos and the laughter of the three fills the air as Alysanne continues to make sure she captures the best shots, changing angles and poses.
Alysanne, with a huge smile, spins around on herself and then grabs your hands to dance with her, laughing every time you both take a step out of rhythm. You can feel her pure happiness, an excitement that doesn't take long to become contagious and where Cregan soon joins in.
The dance floor is filling up and the sparkles of the lights reflecting off everyone's costumes and dresses create an enchanting and magical atmosphere.
The DJ starts mixing more upbeat songs, and you see how everyone is having fun, laughing and dancing.
Immediately this catches Alysanne's attention and she drags the three of you onto the dance floor with infectious laughter. Before you know it, you're in the middle of the dance floor with them, surrounded by movement and music.
The music beats on the floor and vibrates in your chest, and, slowly, you begin to let loose, moving to the beat of the songs as the colored lights swirl above you all.
“I'm going to get a drink!” you let them both know over the music.
You have no idea exactly how much time passes that you find yourself dancing, enjoying the night, the echo of laughter and the warmth of the crowd.
The euphoria makes you forget and enjoy yourself as you feel your throat dry and your feet start to ache, with your body starting to beg for water and a little break.
“Okay!” Cregan nods, throwing you a smile, still dancing with Alysanne.
You smile knowingly, since after all, these two deserve to have their moment, and you walk away towards the table where there are different desserts and the drinks for all the graduates.
You take a bottle of water, and as you drink, the immediate relief makes you close your eyes for a moment, enjoying the coolness.
And only at that moment, standing alone and a little apart, you notice the glances of some people around you, mainly girls passing by you and whispering something between them, looking at you out of the corner of their eyes.
Great.
You thought you were past all this but even at prom it doesn't stop.
You take a deep breath and look out onto the dance floor, where you make out Alysanne and Cregan dancing close together, smiling and animated. You certainly don't want to interrupt them and you look around again, trying to distract yourself with anything you can find to rest your feet on.
You try not to make a big deal of it and look back at them for just a few moments with a serious look on your face and again try to focus on regaining your energy, telling yourself that this shouldn't affect you.
You remind yourself that you are here for you and your friends, and that is all that should matter to you.
When your gaze unconsciously focuses on Floris.
With her arm intertwined with a boy, whom you recognize from the lacrosse team, she looks absolutely elegant with a beautiful hairstyle and a gorgeous pink dress.
And as she joins the party, she seems totally focused on enjoying the evening, her expression relaxed and happy.
You look away from her, focused on something else, where your attention slips unintentionally to Alys, surrounded by her friends.
In the distance, suddenly her gaze meets yours and you quickly look away, not knowing why but… you really don't want to deal with or care about those people anymore.
She's wearing dark makeup and a sensual emerald green dress that completely clings to her body and highlights her curves. She looks completely beautiful, but knowing her attitude and behavior, it makes her lose her charm.
You watch Helaena for a few more seconds, her energy lighting up the dance floor, when suddenly, a tall, familiar figure catches your attention on the other side of the room in the crowd.
Instead, you focus on Helaena, who you find among all the people dancing, getting carried away by the atmosphere and in the company of the friend who told you.
Her silver hair is swaying to the music and she shines in the middle of everyone in that beautiful sky blue dress and gold accessories, looking absolutely gorgeous.
Aemond is standing a few feet away, talking to Aegon, both looking absolutely handsome for the evening. Then, the atmosphere around you seems to fade a bit and he's the only one who catches your eye in the middle of the crowd.
And that mixture of emotions about him rises in your chest again.
You take a closer look at who is around him and it is only Aegon. You don't see any girl hanging on his arm or anything, so apparently he has come unaccompanied, just like you.
He is dressed in a dark suit that highlights his slender figure and impeccable posture, just like Aegon. The silver light of the disc balls bring out his silver hair and his face so perfectly detailed, giving it a glow that is almost unreal to you.
Your gaze lingers on him longer than you had anticipated. From a distance, you can notice the lack of expressions on his face and the small twitch of his lips as he speaks to Aegon, looking around him without really showing any emotion.
That eye contact takes the air out of you. The memory of all the things you shared, the conversations, the looks, the touching and kissing… it all comes over you.
And at that very moment, as if sensing the weight of your attention, Aemond looks up and sees you beyond the crowd, apart and alone. The visual connection is instantaneous, almost electric, and suddenly you feel all the people and bustle around you fade away.
You can't deny the attraction and deep affection that, even now, beat intensely in your chest. And, for an instant, you wonder if he too feels the same mix of nostalgia and sadness in the midst of it all.
You notice how he looks you up and down, lingering on every detail of what you're wearing today, his eyes shining, filled with a kind of wary hope and longing, completely stealing your breath.
Then, his body language tells you he's getting ready to move. Coming at you, with her determined gaze.
Oh God.
A sense of panic invades every part of your body. And before he can do anything, you look away and quickly make your way to the dance floor, blending into the crowd, heading towards your friends.
The music booms in your ears and your thoughts are in complete chaos, hitting you one after the other.
Closing your eyes for a moment, you tell yourself that you just want to enjoy the night, to stop thinking about him and what was, even if it's only for a few hours.
So time passes, the energy of the dance becomes more relaxed, and though you manage to avoid crossing paths directly with Aemond, his presence seems to haunt your mind like a lingering ghost, one that doesn't dissipate with the music or the bright lights.
You look around from time to time, and out of the corner of your eye you notice that he also seems to avoid being too close to you, although you can't help thinking that maybe he is also looking for you in the crowd, as you are looking for him.
Until, finally, the atmosphere immediately changes.
The lights dim and the silver and warm tones transform the room into an intimate place. Couples begin to approach the dance floor, holding hands, to dance to the slow songs. And you decide it's the perfect time to take a break.
You smile at Cregan and Alysanne, giving them another moment again, feeling a twinge of tenderness and, at the same time, unexpected loneliness.
You take a seat at one of the nearby tables, watching as the dance floor fills with couples slowly swaying to the music.
Dresses and suits intertwine, and for a moment, you let yourself be enveloped by the warmth of the atmosphere, allowing yourself to feel invisible in the midst of all that harmony.
You watch Floris dancing with that boy, Alysanne with Cregan of course, and Helaena dancing with her friend, both with amused smiles and talking softly without taking the slow dance so seriously. You also see Aegon dancing very close with a girl.
And as your eyes wander around the dance floor, your gaze focuses again on his figure, which seems just as lonely as yours.
A few tables away, Aemond sits alone, surveying the dance floor with an expression you fail to fully decipher. His fingers drum on the rim of his glass, and, for a moment, he seems lost in his own thoughts. He looks calm, almost vulnerable.
You stare at him longer than you think and sigh, averting your gaze, and as the seconds pass, the urge to stand still and do nothing begins to fade.
You bite the inside of your cheek and begin to move your foot up and down rapidly, feeling your heart begin to beat too fast. You watch all the people dancing again, hesitating.
Then you let out a long breath and without knowing exactly why, you take a deep breath and stand up. With slow steps, a momentum and a calmness you try to maintain, you head towards him.
As you get closer, you notice how his gaze, which was lost on the dance floor, suddenly focuses on you, noticing before out of the corner of his eye your approaching figure. Surprise and bewilderment mixed with something else appears in his gaze and you stop in front of him, nervous but determined.
Then neither of you say anything for a few moments. The same nerves make you unable to speak and the two of you just stand there, watching each other.
You feel how some people around you suddenly have their attention focused on both of you, waiting for what you will do, but you don't even pay attention to them. You just focus completely on him.
Until you sigh.
"Do you dance?" you ask softly and nervous.
The words seem to break the spell, and Aemond blinks, clearly surprised and somehow confused.
You watch the expression on his face, as if he's processing every word you've just said, looking for some hint of doubt or change of heart in your expression.
"S-sure," he says still confused, not expecting this at all.
There's a mix of emotions in his eyes, confusion, surprise and nervousness, something you wouldn't have expected to see in him. And you, not wanting to drag this out any longer than necessary, extend your hand to him.
He watches your face attentively and then your hand, still surprised, to finally take it gently. His fingers intertwine with yours, sending an electricity throughout your body through his touch as he stands up.
You swallow hard, feeling your heart beating like crazy and nervousness invading your whole system. And without another word, you both head for the dance floor.
Then, everything around you fades away, the murmurs and laughter, even the music itself becomes a distant whisper, and only he remains, next to you.
He places a hand on your waist, his touch delicate, as if he doesn't want to do anything that could break this fragile instant. You take his other hand, intertwining it with yours and as you both begin to move to the rhythm of the music, you feel how a mixture of emotions floods each of your senses.
Aemond watches you, his eyes fixed on yours and with a nervous little smile on his lips, as if he can't believe this is really happening.
The music moves forward, slow, allowing you to glide in front of each other. As his steps synchronize with yours, the movements become smooth and natural.
And in a moment you realize that you both are completely absorbed in each other, as if nothing and no one could interrupt this bubble that surrounds you.
Finally, Aemond breaks the silence, his voice barely audible over the music and shy, watching you with a gleam in his eye.
"You look beautiful."
He says to you, his words so sincere and emotionally charged that you feel a surge of warmth wash over you.
You wish his words didn't make you melt. But they do. And everything about him, every gesture, his closeness, the firm, protective touch of his hand on your waist, the way he holds you, as if you were something precious and delicate, envelops and intoxicates you.
"Thank you," you reply, feeling a soft smile appear on your lips, "You too... you look very handsome."
He smiles, marking the dimples on either side of his cheeks.
"I wasn't expecting you to come over," he admits, his eyes revealing something between vulnerability and surprise.
The tone of his voice, so soft and honest, makes you feel a warmth you haven't experienced in a long time.
"I didn't know I would," you reply with a barely perceptible smile, "But I thought, maybe... I don't want to spend the night running away," you confess.
He nods, not looking away.
"I didn't want it to be like that either."
His hand on your waist pulls you slightly closer to him with a firm movement and the slight brush makes you aware of the closeness between the two of you.
You feel your thoughts cloud over and you let yourself become more enveloped by him, unable to help it.
His chin brushes your forehead and you feel that at any moment your heart will jump out of your chest. It's an insistent, powerful beat that seems to resonate with every breath you take at his side.
Then, Aemond lowers his voice, his tone becoming softer, almost melancholy, as if his words are a secret shared only between the two of you.
"I was going to ask you if you wanted to be my date that day, you know? When I gave you the folder.
"I was going to ask you if you wanted to be my date that day, you know, when I gave you the folder," he confesses, with a certain melancholy tone, "But I knew it wouldn't be fair to ask you that and I really didn't want to hurt you anymore."
The sincerity in his tone pierces you, and you feel your own barriers begin to crumble. You listen to him with your heart pounding, absorbing every word.
Aemond sighs and his fingers tighten slightly at your waist.
"And a moment ago, when I saw you so perfect and so beautiful in this dress... I realized how much I wished I had walked through those doors with you on my arm," he says with a longing and sadness.
The music continues to envelop you and you feel his confession reverberate through you, intensifying every sensation, every emotion.
The strength of his words, of the connection that has been created between the two of you in the middle of this song, makes the air seem thick and charged with meanings that don't need to be explained.
Then you raise your gaze to him and you both stare at each other in silence, where your words seem to get caught in your throat.
His eyes roam over your face, as if he wants to remember every detail, as if he wants to take this moment with him. There is a sadness and a softness in his gaze that you haven't seen before, and it makes something in your chest tighten.
And again his voice breaks through the soft silence that envelops you.
"I'm sorry... for everything," he says barely a whisper, laden with a sincerity that resonates deeply.
His fingers trace slow circles on your back, small gestures that seem to try to comfort you and to comfort him too. The contact between the two of you is firm and warm, and yet, you feel as if Aemond fears that at any moment this could disappear.
For a moment, the music seems to fade, leaving only your heartbeat and the echo of his voice in the air.
You feel the urge to speak, to say something that would ease the vulnerability on his face, but you find it difficult to organize your thoughts.
Instead, you opt for a simple but meaningful gesture. You propel yourself a little towards him and leave a soft kiss on his cheek, then rest your head on his chest and gently inhale his expensive cologne, being comforting enough for you.
"It's okay," you murmur.
He lets out a sigh of relief, mixed with longing and makes his grip on your waist tighter, not wanting to let go. Then, he leaves a soft kiss on the crown of your head, resting his head on yours as you both continue to sway gently to the music.
"Thank you for giving me this dance," he murmurs.
You place a soft, small smile on your lips, then raise your gaze to his, watching him with nothing but fondness.
He continues to watch you with that softness and one of his hands goes up to your cheek. In a delicate, almost fearful touch, his thumb runs over your skin in a gesture that is both protective and vulnerable.
Then he rests his forehead against yours and you both close your eyes, as you lean into him.
You both fall silent, letting the slow rhythm of the music carry you away, allowing the moment to linger, in a fragile and honest peace.
You feel that you could stay like this, in this bubble of time and silence, without the need for words, because, in this instant, you both understand what has been said and what doesn't need to be said.
The song changes to another slow one and you both lose yourselves in the moment, enjoying it, not wanting it to end.
Time seems to stand still as you dance together, moving slowly and leisurely, as if nothing and no one else exists. The sounds of the party fade around you, leaving only the beating of your hearts and the faint brush of your breaths.
Your eyes close as you let go, feeling his hand on your back and the warmth his body gives off, so close and so full of meaning.
You both breathe in sync, your foreheads resting against each other, your eyes closed as the moment stretches out and becomes more than just a dance.
This instant is a truce, a refuge where everything else, the doubts, the pain, the past, is suspended and what follows is moving forward.
"You've got everything ready to go to college?"
His voice breaks the silence softly, barely a murmur, as if afraid to disturb the peace around you both.
"Yeah," you murmur, nodding.
"What are you traveling there on?"
"Well, I was checking with my dad about bus and plane ticket prices. But I still haven't made up my mind," you admit, remembering discussions about which was the safest and cheapest option.
Aemond nods, thoughtfully. Then, after a brief pause, he speaks with calm assurance.
"I can take you."
You look at him instantly surprised, definitely not expecting that.
"What?"
"I can take you," he repeats, sure of his words, "Well, sure, if you want," he hastens to clarify, "After all, we're going to the same place and I'll make the trip in my car," he explains, "There's plenty of room for your bags along with mine and so you won't have to spend on a ticket. Besides, it would be safer and I think, I don't know, you'd be more comfortable."
You remain silent, trying to assimilate what he has just said. There is something in his words, in the slow and sincere tone, that strikes a deep chord in you.
The idea of making the trip together, of sharing that important moment of departure, of having one last time alone before facing a new life, awakens a mix of emotions that are difficult to describe.
He lowers his gaze for a moment, nervous, clarifying in a low voice.
"It's just a suggestion... something I thought might make things easier for you. You don't have to do it if you don't want to."
Your heart pounds, and somehow, the simplicity of his offer, the naturalness with which he cares for you, causes a warm surge of gratitude and affection to wash over you.
"Can you really do that for me?" you ask quietly, with a little smile you can't help.
"Sure," he says absurdly softly, as if it weren't obvious, "But only if you want me to. I don't want to force you. It's just an option."
You look up at him, holding his gaze for a second that seems like forever, and nod slowly, allowing the feeling of relief and closeness to wash over you.
"I'd love to," you whisper, your voice barely a murmur, "Thank you."
The shadow of a smile tugs at his lips, and you can see the relief in his expression.
"No need to thanks."
Without another word, Aemond pulls you a little closer to him and again the two of you bring your foreheads together, letting the moment lengthen as the music changes to another slow rhythm.
You both remain like that, moving in silence and enjoying the moment, spending the last moment of your high school lives together, to start college together.
"Are you ready?"
Aemond watches you from the driver's seat, his hands resting calmly on the steering wheel with a small smile on his face.
The car is already loaded with suitcases for both of you and you nod, taking a deep breath to calm the emotions fluttering in your chest.
The thought of heading off together towards this new stage causes a mixture of nerves and excitement to wash over you, though a part of you also feels comforted by Aemond's presence at your side.
"Yes," you reply, adjusting your belt.
You watch him and he gives you one last knowing look before putting the car in move.
Saying goodbye to your dad was difficult, but it was something you were both already preparing for and you knew that moment would come.
Besides, he met Aemond, as your friend who will do you the favor of driving you to college and nothing more. And your dad felt safer with that instead of taking the plane or bus alone.
Especially after Aemond promised him countless times that he would take care of you at all times.
The road is serene at first, and Aemond turns on the radio, letting a soft melody fill the comfortable silence between them.
The roads stretch out in front of you, long and exciting, as the landscape changes shape and the kilometers pass, leaving behind the city where you experienced so much.
From time to time, you exchange glances, small comments about the places you see and the expectations each has for the university.
Aemond seems especially careful, attentive to every sign on the road and every change in your expression, as if he wants to make sure you are comfortable and at ease.
And he especially notices a change in your expression.
"Is something bothering you?" he asks you, his voice low but close, filling the space in a comforting way.
You watch him and after some hesitation, you shrug.
"I guess it makes me a little nervous not knowing what to expect," you admit, "This whole new stage... the idea of being alone in a new place."
Aemond nods, understanding what you mean, his eyes fixed on the road.
"I guess it's normal," he tells you softly, "It's almost obligatory to feel this way, but, for what it's worth... you won't be completely alone."
His gaze meets yours for a second before he turns back to the road.
"I'm going to be around if at any time you need anything or anything happens, anything at all."
You feel a warmth settle in your chest, and a part of your nerves seem to fade. The idea of him being there, close by, offering you that closeness, gives you a strange sense of relief.
"Thank you, Aemond," you murmur with a small smile.
He smiles, marking a dimple in his cheek, and turns his eyes to the front.
The ride continues, where the atmosphere in the car becomes more and more comfortable, chatting about small details, expectations, and the occasional joke that makes you both laugh comfortably.
And finally, as the two enter the town of Oldtown and the university looms in the distance, Aemond slows down, looking at the campus that would soon become his home.
"There it is," he says, a slight excitement in his voice.
The same excitement rubs off on you and excitedly, you take his hand, intertwining it with yours, excited and hopeful.
Hopeful that all that is to come for you in this place are good and promising things. As well as hopeful for Aemond and for you.
series taglist:
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#aemond targaryen#aemond targaryen fanfiction#aemond targaryen x reader#aemond targaryen fanfic#aemond targaryen x you#hotd aemond#aemond fanfiction#aemond x reader#aemond targaryen x y/n#modern aemond#modern hotd#au modern#aemond one eye
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Thinking about Rultialps in the College AU....
Rain Lubina, only child of Mist Lubina, is currently in school for dance. While he did get a bit of a scholarship and financial aid, he still has things he needed to pay for. Text books and supplies aren't cheap. He works down at The Ministry, a local college bar that's VERY active as a go-go dancer and bartender with his best friend Dewdrop.
The week before Finals is always the busiest, and unfortunately, Rain is scheduled every single night shift. He's making a Devil's Den cocktail when another customer slides in one of the spare chairs, leaning over with a big smile, another one next to him.
It's simple, kind. "What can I get for you two?"
How the shorter one looks at the taller. "What they say?"
"They asked what we wanted."
"Ohh," Rain smiles a bit. "In a deaf and mute town and you don't know sign? Shame on you." A sweet tease.
"Hey, cut me some slack! I know some, I'm still learning. But tell you what, let me buy you a shot on top of ours, I'll show you what I do know." He's smiling even wider somehow, the other just rolling his eyes and shaking his head.
"You're cute, but I don't drink when I'm working."
"Then what time do you get off?"
"You don't even know my name."
The smaller looks at the other. "They said you don't even know his name."
"Damn! You're right. Okay, okay, restart. I'm Swiss, and this is my fiance, Mountain. Use mine for the tab. Now, you?"
"Rain."
He's pulling out two shot glasses, laughing to himself as Swiss keeps trying and trying, it's almost humorous! Cute, too. Sliding them over and leaning over to meet Swiss a little bit.
"You're cute and all, but I have other customers. Can't keep my attention just for yourself."
Swiss hums, looking at Mountain who gives a little nod. "Oh, baby I know a lot of ways to keep your attention."
But it's just met with a flick on the nose as Rain moves towards the end of the bar, taking more orders and occasionally glancing back. And phew, Swiss TRIES. Finally got to the point Mountain hit him upside the head for constantly waving him down just to flirt. "They're working, asshole."
With a bit of a sad puppy look, they move from their bar to a booth, but Rain can still feel their eyes, and if he looks hard enough can see where they're sitting amongst the crowds. He doesn't have time to mourn though as another wave of customers come in an hour until close.
Finally... FINALLY, his bar is empty and clean. All his tabs are closed except for one and— Except for one?
Looks up and sees Swiss and Mountain, laughing in their own world with some empty baskets and even more empty glasses. He just takes Swiss' receipt and walks his happy self over, Swiss gasping once he notices and tapping Mountain.
"Babe, babe, pretty guy is coming over!"
"Yes, and I'm sure they just heard you, too."
"Oh fuck do you think?"
Rain is giggling before sitting across in the rounded booth, placing down the receipt and watching them take it. Mountain grumbling but still pulling his wallet out while Swiss is back to flirting.
Just sighs dreamily. "You're so pretty. Why are you working here? Should be a housewife..."
"Househusband."
"My bad, househusband. Just spoiled and can relax your feet, and we'd take care of you- why are you so pretty? Mountain tell him to stop being so pretty." He's whining, leaning against Mountain who's babying him.
"Rain wants to leave. Why don't you let him cash us out, and your drunk ass can go to bed?"
"Noo, I wanna go to bed with him!"
Rain just waves them goodbye as Mountain is practically dragging Swiss out who's still singing about how unfair it is Rain is so pretty, even Dew sending a questioning glance as he's sweeping; Rain just shrugs and goes back to helping close. It's the next day as Rain goes into the local dispensary and sees the same guy that was head over heels for him.
"Rain! Look at you, are you stalking me?" Swiss is laughing a little, leaning over the counter. "Usually in those crime shows it's the other way, but hey! I don't discriminate!"
"I'll be considered too pretty to stand trial. Isn't that right?"
"Ohh, very much so. What can I help YOU with this time, sweetheart?"
Just browsing through different vapes and pens, before settling on a new kind Swiss recommends.
"You know... I work tonight."
"Oh, I'd love to bother you again but I'm still not over this hangover."
"I'm dancing, not bartending."
"Dancing?"
Swiss and Mountain are at the bottom of his stage, Swiss' jaw dropped and staring hard at Rain. Just a skin tight body suit that's cut right before the thighs, boots that make up for it at the knees, and an LED face mask. How Rain leans down to his knees, reaching forwards and caressing Swiss' jawline, bringing him closer before letting the plastic touch Swiss' lips, snatching his pen, pulling down his mask and taking a hit. A few more, and he honestly doesn't remember much but the feeling of Swiss stumbling while holding him, shoving him against Mountain and hurried to take off clothes.
Remembers staring at the two before him with both amazement and nervousness, how he happily smoked more with them as they took turns on him. Folded in half by Mountain while Swiss settled near his head.
Yeah... That's about it until he woke up, staring at a tapestry hanging from the ceiling, sandwiched and being held by two bodies. His thighs sticky and his insides feeling heavy, just huffing and burying his face in Mountain's chest who just holds him tighter.
Learns over breakfast at a waffle house that they both work at the dispensary, Mountain is a cannabis director, Swiss as a budtender. Numbers exchanged, and they're even nice enough to drive him back to his dorm, Dew looking at him away from his phone.
"You're such a slut, do you know that?" Rain just takes off his sneakers and throws it at him. "Hey! Ow! Don't be mad at me! Just stating the obvious you're banging customers."
"And you're making people pay."
Dew just smiles and flips him off, letting him crawl up next to him and peek at whatever he's watching.
"Two boyfriends, huh?"
"They're NOT my boyfriends."
They're dating within a week, Rain even sneaking them into the dorm while Dewy is out. Sometimes staying in their little nicknamed hippie apartment. Just Rain and his two stoner boyfriends skkwkd
#the band ghost#ghost band#rabrev writing#nsfwriting rambles#rain ghoul#swiss ghoul#mountain ghoul#rultialps#college au
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thoughts on this take?
https://www.tumblr.com/stupid-juku/766965711651454976/daily-reminder-if-sega-confirms-that-mizuki-is
Their explanation is under their notes in the comment section.
I personally disagree but I was wondering what was your take
Ya this is wrong and not paying attention to canon!
I'll quote here what @stupid-juku said: "daily reminder: if sega confirms that mizuki is tfem they will be the WORST trans rep :P
At first Mizuki doesn't have gender dysphoria, at least it hasn't been shown. The idea was for this character to break gender stereotypes, to show that clothes are just a piece of fabric, and pink is not just a girl's color, while showing what they had to go through because of this ... but if devs confirm that they are cis, who just loves girly things, it would show how society is still affected by gender stereotypes and how people who love things that do not belong to their gender getting bullied even by so-called 'queer-friendly' society. They pretended to be a girl to avoid being bullied for their interests and taste in clothes. They reacted this way to the revelation of their secret because it was not they personally who did it, but someone else and their deception flared up"
Does Mizuki have gender dysphoria?
Yes! We can see this in their depression during their period of self repression during middle school, where they were suicidally depressed. Part of their depression was how nobody would accept them, part of it was their sister leaving, part of it was how after giving up their love for making feminine clothes, etc, they didn't really have anything left.
During their repressed period, we can also see that the mirror in their room was covered with a sheet, meaning they couldn't bear looking at their body, face, and/or short, masculine hair. Their masculine form was too painful for them.
So, Mizuki can't bear to see themself in a masculine form and they're extremely depressed in part because they are forcing themself to repress their identity. If their mirror wasn't covered I wouldn't say this as confidently, but this is a textbook example of a dysphoria.
Could Mizuki be cis? Are they just an oppressed femboy?
No. Think about it. Mizuki lives literally every moment of their life presenting female. If they were a crossdresser, femboy, or any male-aligned identity, they would get gender dysphoria against being a woman and this would lead to them going in and out of a feminine gender presentation. In addition, having to pretend to be a woman would be deeply distressing and Mizuki would be written MUCH differently as a result. That would be a whole giant, separate struggle that Mizuki's story would have to deal with.
Mizuki definitely WANTS to be a girl.
We can also look at how the songs portray Mizuki
Kuyamu to Kaite Mirai and Phony both have lines about how Mizuki sees themself and their body. Kuyamu to Kaite Mirai
“If it’s like that, why are we in this world in the first place? In such imperfect bodies? Even now, now still having hearts.”
Their frustration over having an “imperfect body” makes a lot of sense for a character who wants to live their life as a girl, but has the body of a boy. We have also been shown this frustration in the story like I just explained.
Phony
“Why, oh why, does it hurt here so much.”
Let’s edit this quote so that it can make sense out of context. In context, this would be more like:
“Why, oh why, does [being a phony] hurt so much.”
This line, as sung by Mizuki, is telling us that one: Mizuki feels like a phony, and two, that being one hurts. If we think back on the line from kuyamu to kaite mirai, about Mizuki’s frustration over having an “imperfect body,” we can see what they mean by phony. Mizuki is someone born male, who wants to be in every way a girl. As much as they try to pass as a girl, they will never be able to change their birth sex. Being this way, how could you not feel like a phony? So, of course it hurts them, feeling like a phony.
Some other bits from songs and cards:
In IDSmile, they call themself a "minority," using the japanese loan word that can specifically refer to sexual minorities AKA LGBT people.
They sung in Villain. It's literally a song explicitly about being trans. It has a manga about a gay man and a trans man falling in love. Like!!!!
if we take a look at the 3D music video for the song where Mafuyu and Mizuki both perform together, when Mafuyu says the line “I take on the form of a boy in front of you,” Mizuki waves to the camera with a smug expression, making a peace sign as the camera cuts away.
What is this trying to say? To me I think this is Mizuki trying to get our attention, saying “hey! This is the sorta thing I do!” However, this shouldn’t be confused with crossdressing, as this song isn’t talking about crossdressers, it’s talking about trans people. So really, what is this saying? I think this is Mizuki saying: “hey! Look! I’m trans!” or, maybe I’m insane, and this little wave meant nothing, but from all that we’ve seen, I think it’s true. After all, the writers are very, very intentional.
Also, like in the card “Between Feelings and Reality,” they are depicted symbolically as a butterfly. It happens SO MANY TIMES. In the trans community, the butterfly is a classic trans symbol, and in Japan, it represents becoming a mature woman.
Like how can you see all of the things from the story and songs talking about Mizuki's frustration over their amab body AND see the otherwise BLATANT trans coding and think "Mizuki could possibly be cis." No. Literally no.
Anyway,
While I too have little faith in Japanese companies to put an explicitly trans character in their game, I don't think that the writers EVER intended for Mizuki to be cis in any way. It's clear that they are frustrated over their body - they're gender dysphoric. They WANT to live their life as a feminine presenting person but things get in the way and they aren't able to truly be themself in the way they desire.
I think Mizuki is great trans rep. No, they aren't perfect, but I love Mizuki in great part because of how deeply I see my life in theirs. Sometimes it almost feels 1:1.
If you like what I said here, a lot of this comes from my video essay that should... hopefully be done before the end of the month. In it, I'll explain all of this in way more explicit detail along with clips from the story.
Anyway, sorry to the random person who I just tore apart. No bad feeling towards you!
Actually, wow there are some fucking idiots in my comments I'm not sorry anymore. If you don't even speak Japanese, get the fuck out of my comments trying to say you know shit about Japan. Thanks, bye.
#prsk#pjsk#project sekai#prosekai#hatsune miku colorful stage#n25 mizuki#mizuki akiyama#akiyama mizuki#mizu5#transgender
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⋆˚✿˖° call it love
pairing. mash burnedead/reader
several realisations are revealed on his birthday, but only one remains a little vague than the rest: he wants to have you all to himself, if only for this moment, why so? who knows, maybe you know the answer. for now, he's content to leave it unsaid, so long as you stay.
contents. fluff. short drabble for his birthday! @seneon i thought it was 11/11 yesterday when its actually today LOL. i love my silly creampuff luvr baby sm.
"what's this?" mash asks as he eyes the paper bag on your hands reaching for him.
you're someone whom he has shared the highest degree of intimacy, if that makes sense. but friends, yes. what he means is to say is that when he met you during chem potion class, he immediately took a liking when you said you love sweets with every fibre of your being. and what sealed this is that you had agreed to be his taste tester for his creampuff self-studies and practice baking sessions.
you're someone he really thinks is cool, but also a little weird for always being so nice to him. weird in a way an inexplicable hand presses against his insides warm and intruding, but he chose to stick close to you still, because the way you treat his creampuffs really takes him out. the way you take your time to bathe in the sweetness melting your tongue. you're weird for making this figurative hand within him engulf him, swelling of really gooey kind of warmth.
it doesn't make any sense, you're friends, but then he wishes you aren't.
and then you're here, giving him a paper bag large enough to stand out if he places it beside his dorm bed, you say, as though it should be obvious, "it's my gift, silly."
"what for?"
"mash. it's your birthday."
"oh."
he says without much thought. because he's too distracted at the faint scent of something sweet wafting his nose the moment he takes the bag. too distracted at the invisible hand starting to roam around inside his chest, prickles his skin, cheeks glowing in pinkish hue.
"i made lots. you can share them with your friend group too."
"no."
"…what?"
your heart dropped nearly in an instant, giving you a fright. he steps closer to you and clarifies, "you made it for me, i can only share it with you."
you're friends, right?
but why does he feel like he wants this part of you only for him?
he takes you by the hand and lead you to the school kitchen, where everything started. you can leave by retreating from his hold, since he isn't putting pressures in his fingers, but what makes him feel like he's on cloud nine is when you slide into each crook between fingers, firm and solidifying whatever this thing thats happening now.
like he's allowed to feel this way, like he's allowed to have you all to himself.
he places the bag at the dry counter, and you momentarily leave his side to grab two plates like clockwork. the sound of clatter fills the silence, yet you feel charged, fuzzy, like there's something hanging in the air you can't quite place. the familiarity of being next to mash in this private, sacred corner melds with the uncertainty of his unreadable stare.
the creampuffs emerge from the bag, lined up in rows, golden and perfect with a light dusting of sugar. mash's heart picks up it's pace, and if you weren't paying attention enough, you can see his eyes go wide in buzzing excitement.
you chuckle, "go ahead. before they get cold."
he doesn’t need further encouragement. picking up a creampuff, he takes a deliberate bite, eyes fluttering shut as the sweetness coats his tongue. he peels his eyes open to find you watching him, a small, expectant smile tugging at your lips. it’s your turn next—you reach for one and take a bite, savoring it just as you always do.
and mash can’t look away.
the hand inside him tightens its grip, a feeling that’s no longer warm but sweltering, and he knows nothing of it. it’s the kind of feeling that makes him want to pause this moment, keep it just for himself. the kitchen, the creampuffs, the way you glance up at him with crumbs on your lips—he wants to lock it away in a corner of his mind where no one else can touch it.
“is it good?” you ask, gaze searching his face for approval.
"it’s perfect,” he replies, the words coming out softer than he intended. he watches as a flicker of something crosses your face—relief, maybe, or something else entirely. it’s gone as quickly as it came, replaced by that smile he’s come to know by heart.
time stretches without presence, without knowledge. the silence passes with your laugh, fleeting and breathy. you say, "you look like you're going to burst." mash realises he probably does—reddened ears and an almost-smile he can't suppress. somehow, he isn't good at hiding what he feels around you, not when it's this strong.
admittedly, and less sheepish, he nods, "maybe i am."
you blink, caught off guard but not pulling away.
he doesn't know when, but as he reaches for another creampuff, this time handing it to you, he knows it's been decided that in this inexplicable feeling in his chest, strange and warm and aching, he doesn't mind. he doesn't mind if this stays undefined, all he knows is that you're here with him. that you want to be in his space, sharing his highest form of intimacy.
he doesn't think about what it means in that brainless head of his. he just lets it happen. he just feels and feels and feels. because maybe, just maybe, he's allowed to.
as long as you're here, he's allowed to feel this way with you.
© kyoghurts ★ reblogs & likes are well appreciated!
#♡♱#with love ༒︎ kyo.#mashle 𓂃 ࣪˖ ཐིཋྀ#mashle#mashle x reader#mashle imagines#mash burnedead#mash burnedead x reader#mashle x you#mashle fluff#mash x reader#mash x you#mash burnedead x you#mashle magic and muscles
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If you don't vote Democrat in November, you'll regret it... IMMEDIATELY.
youtube
#convicted felon trump#compulsive liar trump#dictator wannabe trump#trump for prison 2024#trump is a megalomaniac#trump is a fascist#trump is the antichrist#vote democrat#stop trump#block trump#trump is a loser#keep trump a loser#democrat#dnc#vote blue#make MAGA a dirty word#make fascists afraid again#THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION IN SCHOOL#Youtube
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love when this is referred to as the gifted kid website. shockingly my mental disorders made me mentally disordered and school never really vibed with that so. couldn’t be me
#ppl always talking about their whatever grade reading level and how many books they’d read as kids and im just over here like🧍🏽#I’ve never been actually bad at english or reading but I couldn’t focus on reading books to save my fucking life#I hated those sheets where you had to read like a certain number of books or whatever over the course of a semester or the year or whatever#my GATE test scores for english were super high but my math was bad enough that I never qualified#and adhd made me not even perform well in English half the time because I couldn’t pay attention I couldn’t read long books I couldn’t turn#in my assignments or if I did they were late and etc etc etc#don’t get me started with math#I was the worst in my class in third grade at minute math and never made it to the levels of minute math my classmates did#(they posted results on the wall for everyone to see)#and in 6th grade I was put into an additional remedial math class#throughout middle-high school I was at the level of most classmates in terms of the classes I took but that’s only because I was not allowe#to fail and was put through absolute fucking hell with a billion tutors and grueling hours of extra work from them and blah blah blah#like I remember how I felt in those tutoring sessions and half the time I actually wanted to cry.#I didn’t start doing solidly genuinely Good in school until senior year of high school.#not coincidentally around the same time I started taking adderall I think#I had accommodations by 9th grade but they didn’t do that much except for the function that let me turn in assignments up to 2 days late#without penalty. which i had teachers question sometimes and i had to pull the Yeah it’s Literally Against The Law to not allow me this car#anyway. point is. i was never in the gate program and most of my friends were and it was mostly adhd related#adhd is considered such a quirky nothing disorder nowadays that I don’t even like mentioning I have it really. because what people think of#when I say the term is Not what i actually dealt with and made school torturous and made my parents lash out at me for things and etc etc#depression and dysphoria did not help either. but I digress#I’m not sure why im making this post#kibumblabs
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https://x.com/getawaybitch28/status/1809345991503438096
This is interesting
This show honestly has such a great attention to detail. Like, I know they've obviously got the books there to guide them creatively across the board, but they've really done such a great job of folding these longer term plot points in.
#i also though just like - -#i don't want to be mean or rude but#the person who they're replying to#why do you THINK they have the scene with lestat defending claudia?#like if a scene like that is introduced as a contradictory point maybe....that's on purpose.......and you should pay attention to it......#media literacy and honestly basic story comprehension is truly at an all time low#like#this is a deep show yes but the plot itself is actually pretty straightforward#and like i love the pinstripe suit but even i was like 'oh a bit on the nose carol' lol#but apparently people also need that pointed out to them so i guess not#the film art: an introduction book should honestly be on the curriculum in schools#iwtv 2.07#iwtv asks
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decided to leave my job and i'm gonna fr gonna cryyyyy
#literally can't work with my new boss bc i can't trust her#she went to the head of the department with complaints abt me without ever speaking to me or giving me any indication she was unhappy#and various other reasons im not happy w management and the school in general#HOWEVER#i love the kids sm and im gonna miss them and worry abt them 😭😭😭😭#im literally scared for some of them bc it feels like the other teachers have no empathy for some of my favorite kids#one of them who is so so sweet and when he cries i'm the girst to comfort him bc everyone else thinks he needs to toughen up 😭#also my new boss sucks so so bad and is gonna be such a bad influence on him and all the other kids#and my main co teacher said she's gonna quit if i do so i cant even beg her to look out for my babies and take care of them 😭💔#and it would be unprofessional to mention any concerns to the parents but genuinely some of the kids would be better off elsewhere#like im actually worried about it#i dont want some of the really sweet sensitive kids to lose their sweetness bc they're being treated unkindly#and the worst bullies and spoiled kids are the ones the teachers dote on#so it encourages some of the sweet ones to act out for attention#anyway 💔#i really do need to go tho#and i'm sure i'll love the kids at my new job#but im so sadddd#also its unlikely i can find a well paying job w this age group even tho i love this age group#its basically impossible not to get attached to them at this age and i get to pick them up and hold and cuddle them and stuff#and you cant really do that with the older kids sadly#literally on the verge of tears even seriously thinking abt leaving#things have been p bad for a while due to management but i never seriously considered leaving bc i love the kids so much#but i literally can't see a future here#and my new boss clearly hates me and im worried she's going to try to get me fired#she already made up a bunch of lies about me and its only been three weeks#anyway i only make 15 an hour so hopefully i'll at least get more somewhere else and i know i'll still love the kids#its just really hard#which is why i've stayed this long#i was p unhappy before my new boss even started bc of the way they treated my old boss
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Tom and Jack are brothers - mainly DPxMLB (can be DPxDCxMLB)
It was clear from the moment Jack was born that he was Gina’s son, no one could doubt that overzealous nature, and while Tom didn't have the same level of entustatsum as his mother and brother it didn't mean he wasn't an excitable person either. Truly Roland had no idea how he didn't die living with them, the man didn't realize how much he was like them nor really saw how much Jack would go on to be like him in some ways.
One thing was for certain the boys loved their parents, the Fenton luck and sanguine as well as the Dupain passion and vigor were ever-present in the household growing up. Gina loved her boys very much, they were the only reason she stuck in one place for so long. However, she was able to convince Roland to take them all over the U.S. and Europe.
Jack went on to have a passion for inventing and ghosts, both of which Roland looked down upon but Gina was his biggest supporter followed by Tom. Tom ended up enjoying baking with his father. (Jack tended to forget a meal or two when he got too into his work. So it worked out.)
Jack would move out (taking his mother’s maiden name) and go to college in Wisconsin and meet Vlad and Maddie and fall in love and all that! Tom though opens a bakery a few years of baking for some personal events and such, and meets Sabine who moved to Paris to go to school, they fall in love and she takes business courses to help better run the bakery. Roland does his…thing and he never approved of Jack’s hobbies either, “that's not what job a family man takes on” or something, he of course doesn't try to contact him. He gets to be a grumpy old man in (guilty) peace.
Tom and Jack have never missed anything, they're best friends and each other’s biggest supporters. Best man, holiday’s, etc. So of course they make sure their kids have plenty of meetings despite being an ocean away. They couldn't have been happier that their kids were so close in age, which meant they wouldn't struggle to connect.
It was quick to be seen none of the kids showed signs of the Dupain shape, oh well maybe they’d still get the strength? Or perhaps the Fenton luck would just be much stronger. To say where the kids got their size from was an understatement, and to say very amusing to their wives and mother.
Marinette loved her cousins and didn't like how it was only every so often she got to see them. And her aunt and uncle were very cool, and reminded her of Nonna Gina. It was fun to see Uncle Jack lift her papa up, he was the only person she’d ever seen who could pick up her papa.
Jazz and Danny loved the Dupain-Chengs, they seemed to help level their parents out and they actually set aside their ghost obsession to just be a family. Not to mention they made the best food, going to their home was the best, you never got attacked by the food!
Jazz, Marinette, and Danny were as thick as thieves as their dads were, they were a unit. Which meant Marinette had called Jazz and Danny after she had taken the earrings off, and Danny had called Marinette to tell her about how he was dealing with his powers after dying.
And the next time the Fenton’s came to the Dupain-Cheng’s maybe Marinette and Danny hugged a little longer and a little tighter than usual, and Jazz spent her time glued to the younger girl’s side.
#jack and tom are brothers#danny and jazz are practically marinette’s siblings#dp x mlb#this could totally also be a dp x dc x mlb#danny and marinette totally comforted each other through their bb#blond bullies#jazz tries to help Marinette through her crush ptsd. especially after socquline goes and can't be there for her#jazz definitely went and threatened chloé and kim after that. NO ONE hurts her baby cousin#that's why chloé wasn't so hands on the next year of school. she was scared of it getting back to jazz#in my head it’s marinette was born between jazz and danny#which means danny dies the year following ladybug becoming a thing#i haven't seen a single jack and tom being related and that is a crime. like ITS RIGHT THERE PEOPLE!!!#gina dupain’s madian name is fenton#like the similarities between the dupain’s and the fenton’s make my brain go brrrrr#blue eyed dark haired child who ends up being a hero because it’s needed and have parents that don't really pay attention to them so#it makes it easier to be a hero and has a very clear crush and has an older but close-in-age figure who will kick ass for them#also danny and marinette like getting the greatest responsibilities in the universe (if you ghostking danny route)#also let all three of these scrawny kids the dupain strength!!#it would be so funny#dp x mlb prompt#dp x mlb crossover
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My neurodivergencies and mental illnesses overlap so much that you could diagnose me with about anything at this point
#ocd and autism put together? must tap on things. must tap in specific rythm. or die. my whole life#adhd and autism? oh i cant focus but when i do that's all ill focus on for months or years#i can't pay attention but i have a photographic memory! so that didn't affect me much in school#also w the ocd and autism i constantly have to be picking at my skin in some way#whether it be dandruff my lips scabs or just chewing on the inside of my cheeks#like i can never stop no matter what#oh and another great thing about ocd and autism put together is that you get Echolalia²#this thing is going to repeat in the background of your head for months#and also you must sometimes say/sing it out loud randomly or you will explode#i was diagnosed with bipolar 1 and BPD also#manic and depressive episodes? turned out that was literally just dependent on my pain med prescription#rapid cycling emotions can come from all of those#i also have psychosis episodes and delusions! and hallucinations! wee!#oh and let's put a littlr sprinkle of C-PTSD on top of everything. just for fun#''anxiety disorder'' that was me freaking out about masking and how everyone would judge me#major depressive disorder? yeahhhh there's always that base level of despair#like I'm pretty sure the ocd adhd and autism are like one Whole Thing together#i hear the symptoms of all of those and im like yeah that's me! that's also me! shit! that's also me!#WHY IS THERE SO MUCH WRONGGGG#.bdo
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alright prequels enjoyers help me out here
1- im not dead!!! I just have exams lmao
2- does anyone have any information about the two Sader brothers that appear in the prequels?? I know that they're helping Pan during Fall but I genuinely remember almost nothing about them other than the sun necklaces (I could not tell you their names). if anyone remembers anything please tell me I have an idea that is overwhelmingly stupid and I genuinely hope I find time to write it because the idea is so so silly
also I think I remember quite a bit about him but any information about Botic would also be nice
#wow I wonder why I a parallels enjoyer wants to know more about the other sader brothers#I was not paying attention in rise was I. I dont even know their names#i have plans that i cannot share with you right now because the haters will sabotage me#seriously its ridiculous#sge#tsfgae#school for good and evil#the school for good and evil#fotsge#rotsge#also for some reason I convinced myself the prequel sader brothers were twins??
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“It’s time I face the music. I cannot maintain the Computer Science class while still completing my other classes. I wish I could.”
“When this semester ends, I’m going to switch back to taking an easier class. I have no idea when the semester ends though. It feels like ages away.”
“I just wanna go Classic mode, but I am stuck taking my ADHD meds again and being in full 2.0 mode. Granted, these short duration ones preserve my creativity, but they DO turn the nerdiness meter up to 11 and it’s hard to slip back to chilling out.”
“Feelin’ like Jekyll and Hyde again. I should probably read that book. No, no. Distraction. I need to stay on the ball no matter what.”
“I feel bad shoving Classic Alvin to the side and only letting him out when my work is finished, but I kind of have to. If I don’t, I just get in trouble for disrupting class…even if I am actively engaged in the lesson.”
“I just wish I was faster at doing work CONSISTENTLY instead of whenever my brain feels like it…which is twice a month, IF I’m lucky.”
“But, there is no point in complaining. I will suck it up until the semester ends. I made my mess and now I must endure it.”
#alvin seville#alvin and the chipmunks#alvinnn and the chipmunks#alvin 2.0#alternate universe#aatc#school#computer science#behind again#can’t maintain grades#too disruptive#ADHD meds#full nerd mode#nerd#gosh I am such a nerd#it freaks me out#jekyll and hyde#identity issues#if I were 3 physical people maybe I would stand a chance to do all my homework and still have a life#why is life so hard#I’m just moody#pay no attention to my emotional rambles#classic alvin#come back#I miss you
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household enemy to the yyh watchthrough number one is the olympics. it's taken us a week to get two episodes into the gamemaster fight
#out of three. please the third episode's what makes it okay im fighting for my life out here#it is NOT for lack of trying on my part but theres only a brief window of time when the olympics is not happening#and as it turns out the watchthrough is Not my mom's first priority (how dare she etc)#i do feel slightly bitter that we've gotten through two eps of band o brothers in the same time#we are fighting for the same timeslots yet somehow the hour long show's gotten a leg up??#you don't have time for a 23 min ep but DO for a 60 min one?? explain the math to me please#idk how to explain the vague feeling of betrayal bc it Does Not make sense Nor matter in the slightest#but cmonnnn we were doing so well. and my little bro's starting up school again soon and my dad's gotta go back to work#sometimes eventually (<- hes on medical leave) and my grandparents are coming over next week We're Losing Time Soon#ughhh if i'd known the olympics were happening (<- somehow completely oblivious to this) i'd have accounted for#my mom getting whisked away by the land of synchronized divers and shot putters and whatever the hell#happens in the summer olympics (<- only pays attention to winter olys)#bc that always happens. and *i* have to go back to school in Some Amount Of Time Im Too Scared To Check (p sure it's late aug though) and#when that happens i'll (hopefully) be stuck across town which means we won't be able to do it any time besides the weekends#and i don't wannaaaaa#i know this is the least important problem anyone's ever had like i get that i know but#it's important to me that they sit down and watch this with me. and watching it pull apart and being#the one who's easily the most invested it makes me look all desperate when i ask them for their time and they can't give it#we can only pull this off neatly in the summer and we were so close and now we're losing it right at the finish line#i don't want life to get in the way of this little bubble i've fought so hard to make y'know#and it's childish and embarrassing and whatever but i just want them to have fun with me with this thing i care about a lot#but i can't do that bc my mom needs to watch the judo matches at Every weight class#even though she's recording a lot of them? i don't understand but whatever i know it's her thing im just moping about it ig#i want it to be as perfect an experience for them as possible and it's slipping away from me#and i don't wanna leave this project unfinished when i start school y'know. sighh#i think they might feel like i only want them around when we're watching stuff. whcih is weird bc that's like#The Singular Way we family bonded literally my whole life so idk why they wouldn't get that when reversed#but either way that IS how i wanna spend time with them. i want them to understand this thing that's become a part of me#and i wanna talk With them about it. and so far it's been fun in a way it's never been before. my mom at least seems to really like it#and i want it to Keep going well bc if we lose momentum im worried they'll start finding it tedious. sighh
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It's strangely gender-affirming when my mom gets defensive and accuses me of mansplaining
#she didn't say that exact word this time but she has before lol#i'm just Speaking. she does not like it when i use ''academic'' words.#this is also actually interesting though! it's something i've started to pay close attention to.#i talk a lot in class anyway but as my peers are starting to see me more as male their perceptions of me are going to change.#so me talking a lot goes from 'wow she's so smart she should get her phd!' --#-- to possibly feeling condescended.#but i'm being generous here lol. i don't think ANY of my peers at school see me as male.#'her pronouns are they-slash-them' yeah fuck you actually. and they're not.#but on seeing me as male:#apparently my friends do and they have straight up never questioned it or thought of me any other way#which boggles my mind. i am not a tall or big person. i have a deep-ish voice for a female but it's not enough.#it's not enough.#last thoughts: you can't argue with my mother when she does her whole 'i just wish everyone was equal so we wouldn't need all these ---#--- categories and labels' thing. maybe i am mansplaining when i tell her why identity politics are necessary right now.#maybe she should develop a more critical consciousness instead of accidentally associating w the 'i don't see colour' crowd.
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Me at the mechanics like "ok I know this is a weird question but can I also get a picture of this because I'm a teacher and I think it would be a GREAT object lesson in a lesson plan I have to make this year"
#the thing about me is i really did luck out with a personable curriculum#so like why not#and i got kids who love cars every year maybe some of them will like this example#but also i do also do this with other places#so. if we've ever had a conversation. i have added it into a lesson#I've set kids up to compare our high school system with the french system#I've had kids use how mint grows and made them connect it to their other classes#i never have and never will watch a certain pirate anime because every year i have a kid simply too excited to tell me everything about it#in their project and i know it just wouldn't be the same for them if i actually knew all of it too#anyway if i know you. my students do too. just a little smidge of you anyway. well. my students who were paying attention anyway
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