#Sorry for being so depressing lol
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All those kota cases have started making sense to me.
#Ik I have been off for a while#But needed a place to scream#Everything is a fucking scam#Including life lmao#I can't even articulate how I'm feeling#I'm sorry for for depressing and dead my blog has been lately#Don't worry about me#I'll be okay ig#Or not#Doesn't matter#Khub jhala yaar#Mi thakli#Mala ghari jaychay#Nahi hot aata#Bas jhala#Kahich nahi hot majhyachani#I can't even look into anyone's eyes now lmao#Sorry for being so depressing lol
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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Lol
#theres nothing quite like your mother saying Well maybe you shouldve been more careful because now your boss might think youve been flirting#with this male coworker (whom i like splendidly as a friend) and now maybe she thinks youre not trustworthy#and maybe she regrets hiring you because you said you feel like youre making a lot of mistakes this week and she might assume thats because#your head is filled with this boy.#so dont make her regret hiring you.#MA'AM I TOLD YOU I WAS ALREADY ANXIOUS BECAUSE I MADE SO MANY MISTAKES TODAY WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME ASHAMED#OF SOMETHING THAT I HONESTLY HAD NO CLUE I OUGHT TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT AT MY FIRST NEW JOB AFTER IVE GRADUATED????#anyway going to bed i cant take this anymore LOL she said it so lightly and im like. well i never even considered#being afraid of making my boss regret hiring me somehow because of some kind of behaviour that i had no idea was sending some kind of signal#anywaysssss 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#and then she was like why are you crying?? 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀#not to be like this is partly why i didnt want to move home but confound it all why are things like this#can i not simply confide in my mother my anxieties and worriws#worries#and not also have to worry about her potentially being like Well have you considered you ARE right and it IS your fault?#idk man something something firstborn child eldest daughter can i have some room to breathe. please#also not to whine but Not my father walking in on me eating dinner at 10pm because i was holed up#in my room in a semi depressive state after so many gong shows in a work day and straight up having no appetite#but deciding my body needs the food anyway its better late than never.....walking in and then saying#you know if you eat this late you'll gain weight. SIR??????????????????#sorry to complain and rant again i simply cannot in this house and whats more am doing my best to honour my parents#but why is it so hard out here and how can they say stuff like that with a smile!!!!!!!#also i DO have an inner critic who is always like Its your fault you are the worst you should be ashamed always........why do my parents#not understand after knowing me for so long and watching me grow up#that i can make myself so ashamed of the smallest thing so easily and that what they say drives me to shame almost as easily?#ANYWAY LOL WHAT A DAY#you guys!!! i am working so hard i promise i PROMISE I am!!! it is my first full time job ever and i am working so so hard#i am doing my absolute best and no one sees it and that is FINE i just wish my parents would see that i AM trying!!#i come back home so dead every single day because i put in 120%! this is literally my first job after graduation#and my parents KNOW this has been the most exhausting taxing and soul crushing year ive had in my very short life so far
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when i remember the way things went and my stomach starts twisting
#i need to vomit#i desperately need to vomit#i fucking hate myself#guy i hate myself so much it’s not even funny#it hurts so much#i need to cut myself#i want to bleed out#i can’t heal#im so tired of being me#mentally unstable#tw depressing stuff#trauma#i wanna kms#i want to be okay#tw depressing thoughts#mental abuse#mentally tired#depression relapse#this account is a cry for help pls help me#depressing life#help me pls lol#im sorry for being me#what did i do to deserve this#it’s getting bad again#bpd stuff#i don’t want to feel like this anymore#depressing shit#kinda depressing#haha
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okay, final message before i make an official comeback cause i’m missing tumblr so much
like, no one cares but i’m still gonna say it; i’m sorry for disappearing so long. maybe you know, maybe you don’t, but my college career is fucking consuming me, like i’m on the edge of anxiety 👍🏻
also it’s been stressing me so much that it has affected my health and the way i eat, and i won’t share anything more than that because again, no one cares. it’s just an explanation onto what has been happening that i suddenly stopped posting
trust me, i still have a luke castellan obsession, still have more than seven drafts on my computer which are all on the work, and i’m posting back again this week!
i guess the only thing left to do is still thank everyone who still comments, likes, reads my stories and sends requests even though my last post was more than a month ago; so, thank you! 🩷
#luke castellan#thank you for the support#thank you so much#thank you#love you#love you all#i’m sorry#sorry#sorry for being depressing#sorry lol#thanks for reading#thanks for liking#thanks for commenting#thanks for everything#ILL COME BACK#i swear#i miss this#PROMISE#ILL BE BACK
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something's in the air, i feel the heat
“Do you trust me?”
And how could Cole say no to that? Did he trust Kai? He trusted Kai more than he trusted himself. He trusted Kai with his life. If he fell, he knew Kai would be there to catch him.
So, Cole took his shirt off, tossing it on the ground beside him, then moved so his back was to Kai. “Always.”
Nothing happened for a minute. Cole stood there, neck and shoulders aching and twitching. He wondered, briefly, if Kai was just trying to get him shirtless (it wouldn’t be the first time), and really, he was not in the mood for that. Not when his body wanted to hurt him.
But then a pair of warm hands—Kai’s hands, he would recognize those oddly soft callused and scarred palms anywhere—landed on his back.
[or, cole's experiencing a lot of pain thanks tp tourette's and kai gives him a heated massage]
🔥2,295 words | cole-centric, lavashipping🔥
happy tourette's awareness month!!!
#corey writes:)#ninjago#ninjago fanfiction#cole brookstone#cole ninjago#lavashipping#tourette's#tourette's awareness month#hi guys sorry this sucks#i kinda hate it so so so much lol#but it's whatever#writer's block has not been kind lately#so this feels like the best i can do right now and also i haven't written for ninjago in awhile#i tried my best tho#hands hurty#also imma go back and edit this later but brain said not right now just post it#i know i'm being way too hard on myself lol#just haven't really liked anything i've written in the last like six months which is really depressing tbh#aNYWHO#HAPPY TOURETTE'S AWARENESS MONTH TO ME#and other tourettic ninjago fans!!!
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Kinda obsessed with how cellulite covered and full of dimples my butt is getting
#hi im back from a depression slump so ill post pics again#sorry for being a reblog account for a couple months lol#nb feedee#make me fatter#weight gain#looking for feeder#trans feedee#fatten me up#fat butt#my pics
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when will a game come out that is good actually
#i have doomed myself by once being a loser in my 20s who played too many games#everything is mid now people are like oh you have to play this hot new thing and im like#i played an RPGmaker game in 2008 that did the central concept better and let me turn into a spider woman and eat a child#and then they're like no but this game is amazing it's the best ever of all time#and again i have to say sorry somehow paradoxically dragon age 2 is better than this game and somehow less racist#every game you like is mid they are all mid disco is mid bg3 is mid slay the pr*ncess is mid elden ring is mid even so many indie darlings#i think i am actually just depressed lol but it just feels like every single hyped game is just Ok#and it's not for lack of trying i have played so many fuckin games in the hunt for good things#the last major release that was Very Good was cyberpunk and obviously that was only bc the narrative was specifically relevant to my life#before that it's like. uh. mass effect? but only kind of. i luv mass effect but even there... mid... so sad#someone give me a game to play that is good. know innately my tastes or suffer the consequences
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#first therapy session went well !#i didn't cry which is v surprising lol#maybe bc we didnt go too in depth about things but#therapist already picking up on things i didn't like#never really thought of myself as an anxious person#depression was more so what stuck out to me#but like therapist was like bestie... u sound more anxious than ur perceiving#like i put that i don't struggle with social anxiety bc generally in a group of people im pretty outgoing#but like my coping skills are isolation lol#and i often turn down invitations bc of my insecurities#and in general just hate being perceived despite wanting it#like i literally havent answered any asks on here in months bc#im afraid of what people think of me#and im scared of interaction#but im also dying for human connection lol :'))#i also avoid men completely bc trauma so yeah#and it all stems from a deep deep belief that i am not worthy of love n wOw im sad but like we can only go up from here right :'))#LMAO SORRY THAT THIS IS WHAT MY BLOG HAS BECOME BUT#idk this is my diary fr#anywho sorry for everything#will most likely delete all these rants bc its embarassing lol but#love you all#and im so sorry for not answering the asks#thank you for reading my fics#your comments mean sm to me truly#love you endlessly
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companion piece/"reply" to this post: x - transcript under the cut:
Maria, Thanks for your letter. I'm sorry it took me so long to reply. I don't know why it did - it's not as if I were busy. I was touched by what you said. But I'm not sure what I can give you. And - I think you may have got things a little twisted. About how you got here, I mean. I just can't shake the feeling that I brought you into being. All that time in the hospital I spent wishing, wishing for some company, wishing I wasn't so ugly, wishing things were different - it's like the town took all of that energy and made something twisted out of it. It seems like the kind of thing this damned town would do, anyway. You asked me why I'm always at the lake. Don't you know? That's what ghosts do, isn't it? They end up staying in the places they were happiest. I loved this place in life. I still do. It's so peaceful. Even though the whole town is quiet now, I think the lake has its own kind of quiet. I don't feel scared of the silence here. Oh, I guess you'll tell me I'm not a ghost. You told me all those things I hardly understand - about Ernest and books and spells and little vials of white liquid and James, my James, out on the lake - and, well, in any case, it is true that when I pinch myself, my flesh seems solid enough. But this isn't living. I don't feel like I've been brought back to life. I'm not spinning at all - I'm a stopped clock. It's funny - you said you weren't much of a letter writer, but then you went and wrote all that stuff about music box dolls and parallel lines. Well, I sort of suprised myself with how much I wrote to James. I guess love and pain and loneliness and all those types of things make writers of us all. But I'm nobody's doll, or puppet, or clock. I'm just a living ghost. I loved James, and I still do, in a way that maybe only ghosts can. There's no use now in hatred or blame or regret. I wonder where he is. The town took his life in exchange for mine, you said - it makes sense, but I don't really know what to believe anymore or how this town works. Sometimes I have half a mind to go searching for him. But I don't want to leave the lake. And you - I'm sorry, I just don't know what to think about you. If I'm truthful, you scare me. And I know I shouldn't say things like, because I know how it is to feel like a monster, after all. But I spend all day looking at my distorted reflection in the lake - you'll understand, maybe, why I don't much feel like going to see it at the bar, too. Besides, I'm not sure someone as pathetic as me could make you whole again. I'm sorry, I guess I'm always letting people down. Write me again, though - if you want. It is nice to hear from someone. I'll always reply. Take care. Mary
#silent hill#sh2#silent hill 2#mary shepherd sunderland#mary silent hill#maria silent hill#hiii.......sorry if tumblr has made these images look so poopoo btw just click on them and the text will be clearer#its fine though its in the ps2 game spirit to be a bit illegible#this ended up being a bit of a depressing reply LOL...love loses </3#a while ago i had vague visions of writing a whole epistolary kind of fic and well i now have 2 letters so. who knows#there may be more to come...
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#spilled ink#sad thoughts#sadgirl#spilled feelings#sad quotes#sad poem#spilled thoughts#depressing shit#sorry for being depressing#i'm sad#im so tired#im cryin#im dying#im fine#i'm not okay#i'm not sorry#i'm normal#i'm not crying you're crying#i'm not ok right now#i'm not ok lol#tw depressing stuff#tw depressing thoughts#depressing quotes#quote#words words words#kinda depressing
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It's just the depression and existential dread 😃
#dank memes#fresh memes#funny memes#memes#lol#funny but true#so true#me irl lol#funny but not funny haha#oh no lol#adulting#mental health#depressing shit#depresjon#sorry for being depressing#this is depressing#kinda depressing#depressiv#doing nothing#nothing#what am i doing with my life#what am i even doing#what am i doing#life is weird#life is brutal#life is a fucking nightmare#life sukcs#existential depression#existential dread#existential despair
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for christmas i would like the gift of better coping mechanisms when i get into a mid-project art frenzy
can i not just be CHILL 😵💫 the crazy hyperfixative need to see something through to the end once i get into the "head empty, no thoughts, only finishing this latest art piece/project" always makes me suddenly forget how to function normally lmao
this 4AM bedtime / 7AM wake up / barely eating / staring for hours at my iPad screen / bordering on making my carpal tunnel flare up from how long i sit drawing is probably why I got sick so many times during October ajsklflaghgld 😀
anyways uhhh expect something sometime in the next couple of days i guess 😙
#im so very tired but i LITERALLY can't rest. i am the definition of RESTLESS right now 🫨#im so sorry to my mutuals and friends– i promise i haven't been ignoring you#ive just fallen into my non-human mode of being for the last week 🥴#if we're friends and i ever drop off the face of the earth just know- chances are likely im not depressed im simply just drawing lol#shoutout to my partner for making sure im on a somewhat regular eating/drinking schedule even though my appetite has been non-existent#im fueled purely by coffee and determination rn#just celery things
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no you aren’t a little autistic for not wanting to make eye contact sometimes no you aren’t a little bipolar for having a mood swing no you aren’t a little adhd for bouncing your leg no you aren’t a little depressed for wanting to stay in bed no you aren’t a little schizophrenic for mistakingly hearing a voice no you aren’t a little ocd for wanting the class desks to be straight stop characterizing disorders by one symptom stop trying to lighten and romanticize disorders by applying a normal thing to do to a disorder that impacts peoples lives stop trying to water down these disorders so you can make it about you and so you can make a joke off of other people’s lives because you want to be funny
#me#idk im just so fucking tired of hearing people say “oh sorry im a little ocd lol xD” after keeping their desk neat????#that’s called wanting to be organized???#“im a little autistic cause i can’t stop talking about this show!” Yeah cause you like the show Carrie of course you are gonna talk about i#sorry I might delete this someone tell me if im being stupid or whatever but does this not piss people off#to hear people just water down a disorder to a simple trait that is incredibly common#so they can be funny and apply themselves to every situation and never have to feel left out#this isn’t about self diagnosis by the way#this is about people willfully ignoring the disability/disorders affects on others while using its symptoms to make a quick joke#Or to get a laugh#how the hell do I even tag this 😭#neurodivergent#neurotypical#depression#bipolar disorder#autism#ocd#schizophrenia
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hiiii halfway? thru the story. hard as hell to avoid spoilers online i need to stay away 😭 rant in tags, spoilers for 2.2 . i already reached 30 tags wow 💀
#chris noises#hsr#spoilers ahead ->#///////////////////////////////////////////////#ROBIIIIIIINNNNN WAAAAHHHH 😭😭😭😭😭#her unwavering love and belief in humans to survive against all odds.......#her inherent kindness and desire to help everyone#SHE IS HARMONY !!! THATS WHAT HARMONY IS ALL ABOUTTT !!!!!#i love sunday but he's Slightly pissing me off rn#is this really what you believe in..... that the weak must die so the strong can live... that its the only way for life to continue....#can't wait to beat him up later lol#AGHHH I LOVE YOU SUNDAY BUT YOU MAKE ME SO CONFLICTED !!!!!!#oh the gallagher stuff was so interesting....... the memory zone memes being his Pets. thats funny#i love you gallagher im sorry i called you ugly a few updates ago....#cant even begin to talk about firefly.... genuinely lights up my world everytime she's on screen#BLADIEEE THE BLADIE CAMEO????#STELLARON HUNTERS ARE SUCH A FAMILYYYYYYYYYY WAAAAAAA#acheron and black swan 🥹 i love how black swan is Terrified of her and yet constantly looks out for her#girl Me Too...#acheron agh the heartache you bring me. girl i will get you ibuprofen i promise.#dan heng 💜💜💜💜💜💜 no complaints as usual. perfect boy. im so glad he's out of his depressive episode so we can see him on penacony 😭😭#boothill.#i have nothing to say about him.#did i miss anyone....#mm OH MISHA. MY SON. i cannot wait to see how it will all connect back to him#he IS connected to mikhail. no doubt in my heart#i wonder if after this update he'll finally board the express .... my son my boy....#im so excited to see jing yuan later#and.... aaaahhhhhh my wife the love of my life. aventurine come back home i miss you#its been a month im experiencing wife withdrawal (<- copyrighted michael egotokill material do not use without express permission)
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