#Sorry I don't know if I am explaining this very well but masking often does lead to burn out because it tends to take a lot of effort

[this-machine-runs-on-coffee]

IT CUT OFF HALF OFMY TAGS NOOO

me: *reads over symptoms of autism once again* “see but i don’t get upset over changes in routine, we change the routine all the time and i’m totally okay with it!”

also me since i was a kid: *gets irritated, stressed, angry, aggravated, and depressed for the rest of the day after something is switched to another day* *gets angry, stressed, and depressed, and has a breakdown when i find out we have to cancel plans, even if i didn’t really wanna go to wherever we were planning to go* *gets aggravated and is easily upset and is depressed the whole day after i get to cancel something that i had been planning for but also are relieved that i don’t have to go since i really didn’t want to* *is depressed, angry, irritated, and stressed after we cancel plans that i had zero feelings for up until that point* etc.

[elletromil]

19. One person stopping a kiss to ask “Do you want to do this?”, only to have the other person answer with a deeper, more passionate kiss. for the A Conversation verse?

Am I answering this a year and a half later?

Maybe so. BUT! Better late than never :D

The title is entirely because i did promise to write this and then proceeded to fight with it for months because somehow it didn't want to get written :( But I did it :D

Hope you enjoy it darling <3

A prequel to this

The promised kiss

“Why does everyone always assume I’m in love with him?”

At the question, Eun-sup nearly chokes on the huge bite of crispy chicken he’s just taken. Weirdly enough however, he’s actually grateful for the forced delay since it gives him time to think about it instead of just carelessly replying with the first thing that crosses his mind.

To Yeong, this is obviously a very serious question. The fact that he’s even asking is proof that he genuinely doesn’t understand.

And if he’s asking Eun-sup, it means he trusts him to not only have an answer for him, but to also not make fun of him while doing so.

Sure, his doppelganger is confident and seems to generally be above the teasing done by anyone other than his King. But no matter how different they are in ways, Yeong and him are still very similar to their core. It doesn’t matter how well it is constructed, Eun-sup is able to recognize a mask of impassability when it’s being worn over his own face.

No matter how hard he tries not letting it show, this is important to Yeong.

And because it is, Eun-sup finishes chewing thoughtfully before shooting a question back. “Aren’t you?”

Yeong glares from his side of the couch, but there’s no true heat to it.

“No.” There’s a beat, but Yeong continues before Eun-sup can say anything. “I mean… I love him. I don’t think I remember how not loving him feels like. But, I’m not- I’m not in love.”

Eun-sup nods in understanding as he ponders how to best answer the initial question. But as he does so and Yeong visibly relaxes, he realises suddenly just how tense he had been in the first place. It makes him wonder just how many times Yeong has tried telling the exact same thing to someone, only to not be believed. How many times before he just gave up altogether on explaining himself.

It makes Eun-sup want to find all those people who refused to simply listen and hurt them.

But Eun-sup has already learned the hard way that this is very rarely helpful and the best you can do is to simply let go of these kinds of people.

“See, I think that’s exactly why. It’s obvious to anyone with eyes that you protect him out of love for him first and out of duty second.” Eun-sup has no doubt that King or not, Yeong would go to the exact same lengths to keep the man safe. He just wouldn’t need to. Possibly. The King does seem to attract all kinds of trouble but not all of it is because of his status. “People often forget that loving someone deeply doesn’t automatically make that love romantic. And once they’ve made an opinion, it’s hard to make them change their minds.”

Judging from his defeated sigh, even if it’s not exactly unexpected, Yeong had been hoping for a different answer. Eun-sup bumps against him in silent solidarity. Even if no one has ever wrongfully thought him in love with someone he wasn’t in love with, he’s had to deal with his fair share of people who thought they know him better than he did himself.

It sucks.

Unlike in the beginnings of their acquaintance where Yeong would have pushed him away with irritation, his doppelganger actually leans into the contact, going so far as to lie his head on his shoulder. Eun-sup can’t quite suppress his smile at the tacit show of trust and vulnerability. He’s glad that Yeong knows he can openly rely on him.

“I don't even want to sleep with him.”

The whiny tone, so unlike Yeong, takes him by surprise and he can't quite stifle a laugh in time.

“Sorry, sorry,” he apologizes quickly, because even with Yeong's face still pressed against his neck, Eun-sup can feel the glare. “It’s just, you've really picked the worst person possible to use that as an argument. Not that I don’t know what you mean, but just, I’ve been in love with lot of people and I haven’t slept with any of them.”

Yeong pushes himself away at that, confusion written all over his face. “I’ve seen you and Na-ri kiss.”

Eun-sup can’t help but grin at the reminder that he can actually kiss her now. He loves Na-ri so much.

“Mmhmm, yeah, but you’ll never see us do more than that.”

Yeong’s confusion morphes into something highly unimpressed and slightly disapproving. “I would hope so.”

Eun-sup rolls his eyes and gives him a half-playful shove. “Not how I meant that.”

The confusion is back on Yeong’s face and even if Eun-sup hadn’t planned on explaining asexuality to him tonight -- or at all, really -- he’s not about to leave it just at that. It would feel somewhat unfair to Yeong when he’s just opened up on something that is obviously deeply personal to him.

Still, no matter how much he trusts Yeong, he’s had enough previous past experiences that the word aren’t easy to let out.

“Eun-sup?” Judging by how carefully Yeong says his name, he’s clearly stayed silent a bit too long.

“Sorry, I’m okay.” It’s only when he has to force what he hopes is a reassuring smile that he realises he’s been frowning. No wonder Yeong was starting to get worried. “What I’m saying is just that being in love with someone and being with them doesn’t have to lead to, to sex. I love Na-ri more than anything but we’ll never have sex because… well, I’m just… you know, not into that.”

The silence that follow is nerve-wracking.

He tries to brace himself for the questions he’s sure will follow, but mostly, he’s slowly entering panic mode. He should have known that this was not a conversation he’d be able to have without having at least a month to mentally prepare himself for and-

Thankfully, Yeong breaks him out of his spiralling into insanity before he can go in too deep.

“You mean, you don’t-” He waves a hand and he looks uncomfortable, but Eun-sup knows this face. Knows his face. (The whole doppelganger thing continues to be so confusion at times, it’s a wonder he doesn’t get more headaches about it all.) If he had to bet, he’d say Yeong is uncomfortable talking about sex itself, more than he is about Eun-sup’s revelation. Which, fair enough. It’s not Eun-sup’s favourite’s subject either.

“Nope. I don’t and never will.”

“But you kiss Na-ri.”

“Yeah,” and just like that, he’s back to smiling like an idiot again because, well, kissing Na-ri is the best thing ever. Yeong, however goes back to looking confused.

“How does that work?”

“Kissing Na-ri?” As soon as he says it, he knows it’s a stupid question, but well, by now, Yeong should be used to him getting a bit stupid whenever he has Na-ri on his mind. “You mean the, the not sleeping together?”

He gets a nod.

“Well it just… Doesn’t happen? I mean we’ve slept together to actually sleep before, but we don’t have sex. Because I’m not into that and Na-ri knows and doesn’t care and just because we don’t, doesn’t mean the rest isn’t good. And we kiss because we both enjoy that.”

They both enjoy it a lot, but he doesn’t think he needs to go into that much details about it.

“Oh.”

Even if he still looks confused, it sounds like Yeong has just understood something and Eun-sup knows better than to make any assumption, but he’s hit with the sudden realisation, that maybe, possibly, if he had been in Yeong’s shoes and fallen in love with his King at a young age and not been looking at anyone else since then, he probably wouldn’t have such an intimate understanding of himself as he does now.

And maybe, just maybe, Yeong has just made a similar realisation.

“Yeong?” He hesitates here, because he doesn’t want to push. But Yeong’s body language is still open, is still trusting. “Do you want to kiss him?”

There’s a long silence and Eun-sup can see a bit of panic starting to appear in Yeong’s eyes and he feels so bad about it all and he’s about to tell his doppelganger to just forget it when Yeong shakes his head.

“I- I don’t know. I’ve never kissed anyone before.”

Eun-sup gasps in surprise at the revelation that probably shouldn’t be one. Yeong is handsome (Eun-sup has long made his peace with the fact that thinking so makes him a narcissist) and surely has had many offers over the years. But if they’re even more alike than they thought before, is it really any wonders that he didn’t accept any of them? If Eun-sup had been entrusted with Na-ri’s safety at a young age, if he had been her only true friend, would he ever have looked at anyone else long enough to fall in love with them?

He doesn’t think so.

“Wanna try?”

The words are out before he can stop himself, but he can’t bring himself to regret them when Yeong surge forward to press their lips together.

As kisses go, he can’t even say it’s one. It would be like comparing a high-five to a handshake or handholding. As in it definitely involve the same body parts, but it’s definitely not the same.

Yeong isn’t moving away though. And it should be awkward to just be sitting there, breathing the same air with their lips together in a not-kiss, but the thing is, the closeness isn’t bad at all and it would take very little to turn this into an actual kiss.

Instead of doing so however, Eun-sup leans back, just enough so they can look each other in the eyes. There’s no panic or confusion in Yeong’s eyes anymore, just something that’s close to guilt and Eun-sup knows what words are coming even without hearing them. And maybe if it was anyone else, they would need to be actually said out loud, but between them, he doesn’t think there’s actually a need for an apology. Not for this.

What he gets isn’t an apology however. Which shouldn’t surprise him, but sometimes he forgets that as much as he knows Yeong, the opposite is also true. Yeong knows him just as much. And nights like tonight just serve to deepen their understanding of each other.

“Do you want to do this?”

Eun-sup rolls his eyes and doesn’t bother answering with words. But instead of simply mashing their lips together, he takes his time arranging their limbs into a more comfortable position. He ends up straddling Yeong, with Yeong’s hands holding him at the hips, his own arms around his shoulders, fingers of one hand splayed into short hair.

He would turn the question back on Yeong, but judging by how he’s been staring at his lips since Eun-sup pushed back, it’s pretty clear that he does want this.

So this time, when Eun-sup bring their lips together, it is definitely a kiss.

And if the way Yeong moan into his mouth and doesn’t let him go until they’re both completely breathless is any indication, Yeong is just as much into kissing as Eun-sup is.

Not that it answers the question about whether or not Yeong wants to kiss his King, but Yeong doesn’t seem in a hurry to return to that topic.

Which is entirely fine by Eun-sup.

He’s never been one to pass up on kisses.

[frostcorpsclub]

suzy x nonbinary reader (not because i want to kiss her or anything.... )

TY for giving me some of the finer details in DMs! I’m sorry if this is a little bare. I don't have much experience with how one would go about validating a non-binary person but I tried my best. <3 

Suzy takes her beauty sleep very seriously. She practically drowns herself in blankets and her frilly pink eye mask is super glued to her face, even the tiniest amount of light getting through would just ruin her day.

That is to say, this probably wasn’t the best time. 

Her body registered your crying but not quite enough to wake her up, making her toss and turn until you finally grabbed her to shake her awake. 

“What?”

She shot up and spat her words out with a venom, taking a second to register what was actually going on, eye mask still on. 

“Oh.”

Suzy removed it slowly and turned to you, instinctually reaching out a hand but unable to look directly at you. Yet, as years of emotion spilled from your mouth her eyes and hands made their way to your wet cheeks. 

She just stared blankly as you spoke.

Suzy wasn’t completely aware of the reason you were so scared and upset, despite your assertion, but there was one thing she knew would be true no matter the context.

“I am never going to leave you. I worship you. We’re going to be together forever.”

She finally began to smile wide, slightly applying pressure to your cheeks out of excitement like one would want to squeeze the life out of a kitten. 

“We are both a little eccentric darling...what do you mean that’s not what you’re talking about?”

You have to think about her tendency to misunderstand but mostly what she does in her free time.

Even if she wasn't on board she'd rather not have to silence you for other reasons, breaking up is off the table.

That night she pushed you back down onto your back and tucked you in, deciding that it’d be better to deal with it in the morning. 

You can’t handle an identity crisis without getting any sleep and neither could she. 

When you first explained to Suzette what being non-binary actually meant she probably asked a lot of stupid questions. 

Bear with her, before you she was probably only used to binary trans people with a straightforward path, she’d have plenty of time to learn about the whole spectrum of identity. 

Getting used to your pronouns won’t be difficult though. Believe it or not she CAN read! 

They/Them pronouns have been used in literature since the 14th century. 

She would actually quite like them, it reminds her of the “royal we.” 

Coming out to others  was going to be a double edged sword no matter which way the cards were drawn.

On one hand if coming out to your family didn’t go well you’d always have a very luxurious safety net, but either way you’d have to explain to anyone who was anyone that you’d often be interacting with from then on.

Those who weren’t already open minded would be swayed in your favor very quickly. 

Assuming Suzy’s bitch of a mother had passed at this point and she was the one in charge of cutting off trade deals and ceasing bail outs.

When it came to preparing you for coming out to your own family she’d be far less equipped. There isn’t much she can do or say but she understands that this is something you need to do.

She gives you as many chances as you need to practice what you plan to say. 

Suzy may not know your family but practice makes perfect. She can generally guide you in the direction she feels may end up in a better outcome for you. 

Whether this means leaving you with an immediate out or giving them as little ammo for vitriol as possible. 

When the time finally came she tightly gripped your shoulders and rested her forehead on your cheek, she wanted you feel her warmth.

That hot spot on your cheek a piece of her to keep with you no matter how your day goes.

[many-but-one]

TW suicide and self harm mention

Hi! Could you as someone with DID help me better undestand my situation?

I am a singlet but I hear constantly voices in my head that are not my own and I have had hard time trying to understand them. I've been doing so much research of DID to figure out if I could have it but I don't have one childhood trauma but C PTSD from childhood neglect.

I have been able to recognise that one of the voices belong to a young girl who sits alone in a dark room. She only ever says "I want to die. Let me die. Go away. Leave me alone".

Two other voices are just voices without any looks. One of them is a strict and mean caretaker-like person who tells me to mask in public (I have autism) and shouts and screams if I do something wrong / mess up.

The last voice tells me to self harm, cut my limbs off and kill myself.

I don't have an inner world but I can sometimes imagine very vividly the little girl in the dark room and when I was younger I had this place I used to imagine where I am stuck inside a huge cardboard box filled with dust. It was just something that used to reoccur inside my head.

Other than that, I have amnesia only if I'm very tired or stressed out and even then I miss only like 1 hour or less at a time.

Sometimes I dissociate, it used to be regular when I studied (derealization and depersonalization). Now it's like once a week or when I see something triggering from my childhood.

And I only have had the little girl speaking through my mouth. It's like having tics where I can't control myself and she always says "Let me die" or something like that.

Does this sound like a DID to you? Because I don't know how to explain this. I have no idea why I keep hearing those voices. I am seeing a psychiatrist but atm we are trying to get me autism diagnosis.

Heavy sigh.

Okay, anon. I’m sorry it has to be this post that makes me snap, but I’m gonna have to do it to ya. This goes to every anon that does this to OSDDID accounts. I see this absolutely everywhere on a lot of OSDDID folks’ pages, especially the folks who are more “well known” in the tumblr community. (Not saying I’m one of them but I do get these messages very VERY often, and I see them everywhere.)

Anons who are having a mental health issue, please fucking STOP sending anon messages to OSDDID accounts asking “does me doing x, y, z mean that I have DID?” Or “I show all these signs of DID do I have it?” Like. I understand that you’re confused. I understand you need help. But if you are hearing voices telling you to fucking kill yourself, you NEED to see a mental health professional, not ask a rando on tumblr if you have an EXTREMELY COMPLEX DISORDER that can literally takes YEARS to diagnose in someone. Like…I am fully okay with self dx with adequate research. If you think that’s what you have, fucking great. Work on coping skills. If you find out later you don’t have it? Great. Now you can move on and try and figure out what’s going on. I am fully aware not everyone has access to good mental health care. I am aware that mental health specialists are often absolutely fucking shitty.

HOWEVER!

STOP. MESSAGING. RANDOM. TUMBLR. CREATORS. ASKING. IF. YOU. HAVE. A. COMPLEX. DISSOCIATIVE. DISORDER.

Do I make myself clear, anons? This goes to every single one of you. I generally don’t answer and delete a solid 3/4ths of you because half the time your rambling makes absolutely no sense and I’m very sorry but I really don’t care. I don’t know who the hell you are. My brain is split into shards and I’m working on trying to survive the fucking day here. I’m working on how to live without numbing myself to the world. I do not have time to try and join the circle-jerk of validation that y’all want from me.

If you wanna DM me and let me get to know you more, we can discuss things further. With more nuance. We can have an actual discussion. I would absolutely LOVE that. Because maybe I can point you into a direction of good coping skills, good resources, and places to find a sense of community that isn’t tumblr dot com. I’d love to get to know you and help you. But if you come at me in my inbox with anon as your name asking me to validate your experiences with barely a paragraph worth of information, that’s not gonna fucking happen.

What answer are you looking for, anon? Do you want me to say “Yep! Sounds like DID to me!” Because I am not a professional and if I were to be so quick to hand out validation cards because you would feel better if a random tumblr account agreed with you, I doubt that would actually help you in ANY way. Yes, validation feels good and it feels good to be seen and heard but I don’t fucking know you and you’ve given me what sounds like suicidal voices in your head and some possibly inner world activity. I hate to break it to you, but CDDs are a LOT more than just alters and voices and an inner world. It’s basically C-PTSD on steroids and if you don’t show any signs of C-PTSD then you might be looking in the wrong direction. But of course how am I to know that because I don’t know you and you can’t possibly explain your entire life story in a fucking tumblr ask. It sounds like you already know what you’re experiencing, you just explained it very plainly to me. If you have done adequate research and you think you have a CDD, then for the love of god find a professional to work with you and start learning coping skills related to trauma and dissociation.

I am not your therapist. I am not going to give you the validation you seek. If you want a dx, find a therapist that works in trauma and dissociation.

I know this is coming off very aggressive but MAN this is so common and it really needs to fucking stop. ESPECIALLY sending triggering info to a random tumblr user. The “TW suicide and self harm” ain’t gonna do shit. (re: the part where you are talking about voices telling you to cut off your limbs and kill yourself.) I can handle those conversations just fine but not all creators can and it’s fucked that you and all the gazillion anons trauma dumping to random OSDDID tumblr users think that this is just okay?? The AUDACITY my dudes. I understand you’re probably having a rough ass time right now but you have absolutely no idea how my day has been, how my week has been, how my life has been. You get a tiny snapshot of what I choose to share here. Which trust me, is a tiny TINY little snapshot of the reality of my condition. How would you feel if your trauma dump triggered out one of my suicidal parts and killed me? Or severely harmed me? Y’all (all anons, not just you) desperately need to fucking understand that OSDDID systems are traumatized as FUCK and things like that can literally get us killed. It’s not a game. I know some plural folks online make it seem fun, but anon as you seem to understand, it’s very scary having parts inside that want you dead. These parts can take control of my body and do just that. They’ve tried before.

All anons out there, please have some fucking decency and respect for OSDDID creators out there. We are not your therapist, we’re just trying to live our fucking lives and sometimes make content on the side.

Rant over. I hate doing shit like this but I am so over it and y’all need to fucking know.

-Blurry

[sk1fanfiction]

the many faces of tom riddle, part 4

-attachment, orphanages, and yet more child psych: time to add yet another voice to the void-

FULL DISCLAIMER THAT THIS IS JUST MY OPINION OF A CHARACTER WHO DOESN’T HAVE THE STRONGEST CANON CHARACTERIZATION, AND THUS ALL THIS IS BASED ON MY CONCEPTUALIZATION.

I'm going to be super biased, because my favorite portrayal of Tom Riddle is actually Hero Fiennes-Tiffin as eleven-year-old Tom Riddle, in HBP and I get to chat about child psych in this one, sooo here we go.

First of all, I’m just so impressed that a kid could bring that much depth to such a complex character.

This is the portrayal, I feel, that brings us closest to Tom’s character. Yes, Coulson’s brought us pretty close, but by fifth year, the mask was on.

We don't really get to see Tom looking afraid very often, but it's fear that rules his life, so it's really poignant in our first (chronologically) introduction, he looks absolutely terrified.

The void being the fandom's loud opinions on a certain headmaster. I wouldn't call myself pro-Dumbledore, but I'm certainly not anti-Dumbledore, either. (Agnostic-Dumbledore??)

Since I'm not of the anti-Dumbledore persuasion, I decided to poke around in the tags and see what the arguments were, so I don't make comments out of ignorance.

Most of the tag seems to be more directed towards his treatment of Harry and Sirius, but a few people mentioned that Dumbledore should have treated Tom with ‘exceptional kindness’ and tried to ‘rehabilitate’ him.

As I said in Parts 2 and 3, I am 100% in favor of helping a traumatized kid learn to cope, and I don’t think Tom Riddle was solidly on the Path to Evil (TM) at birth, or even at eleven. Not even at fifteen.

Could unconditional love and kindness have helped Tom Riddle enough for the rise of Lord Voldemort to never happen? Possibly, but...

Yes, I'm about to drag up that Carl Jung quote, again.

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”

The problem with this is that if you’re going to blame Dumbledore for this, you also have to blame every other adult in Tom’s life: his headmaster, Dippet, his Head of House, Slughorn, his ‘caretakers’ at the orphanage, Mrs. Cole and Martha, and possibly more. In fact, if we're going to blame any adult, let's blame Merope for r*ping and abusing Tom Riddle Senior, and having a kid she wasn't intending to take care of.

Furthermore, you cannot possibly hold anyone but Tom accountable for the murders he committed. (I should not have to sit here and explain why cold-blooded murder is wrong.) And if you like Tom Riddle's character, insinuating that his actions are completely at the whim of others is just a bit condescending towards him. He's not an automaton or a marionette, he's a very intelligent human being with a functioning brain, and at sixteen is fully capable of moral reasoning and critical analysis.

I've heard the theories about Dumbledore setting the Potters up to die, and I'm not going to discuss their validity right now; but he didn't put a wand in Tom's hand and force him to kill anyone. Tom did it all of his own accord.

And while yes, I have enormous sympathy for what happened to Tom as a child, at some point, he decided to murder Myrtle Warren, and that is where I lose my sympathy. Experiencing trauma does not give you the right to inflict harm on others. Yes, Tom was failed, but then, he spectacularly failed himself.

We also have no idea how Dumbledore treated Tom as a student.

In the movies, it’s Dumbledore who tells Tom he has to go back to the orphanage, but in the books, it’s Dippet. We know that Slughorn spent a lot of time around Tom at Slug Club and such, yet I don’t really see people clamoring for his head.

I regard the sentiment that Dumbledore turned Tom Riddle into Lord Voldemort with a lot of skepticism.

But let's hear from the character himself -- his impression of eleven-year-old Tom Riddle.

“Did I know that I had just met the most dangerous Dark wizard of all time?” said Dumbledore. “No, I had no idea that he was to grow up to be what he is. However, I was certainly intrigued by him. I returned to Hogwarts intending to keep an eye upon him, something I should have done in any case, given that he was alone and friendless, but which, already, I felt I ought to do for others’ sake as much as his."

Now, assuming that Dumbledore's telling the truth, I'm not seeing something glaringly wrong with this. No, he hasn't pigeonholed Tom as evil, yes, I'd be intrigued, too, and it's a very good idea to keep an eye on Tom, for his own sake.

“At Hogwarts,” Dumbledore went on, “we teach you not only to use magic, but to control it. You have — inadvertently, I am sure — been using your powers in a way that is neither taught nor tolerated at our school."

Again, it seems like he's at least somewhat sympathetic towards Tom, and is willing to at least give him a chance.

More evidence (again, assuming Dumbledore is a reliable narrator):

Harry: “Didn’t you tell them [the other professors], sir, what he’d been like when you met him at the orphanage?” Dumbledore: “No, I did not. Though he had shown no hint of remorse, it was possible that he felt sorry for how he had behaved before and was resolved to turn over a fresh leaf. I chose to give him that chance.”

Now, I think Dumbledore is pretty awful with kids, but I don't think that's malicious. Yeah, it's a flaw, but perfect people don't exist, and perfect characters are dead boring. I am not saying that he definitely handled Tom's case well, I'm just saying that there's little evidence that Dumbledore, however shaken and scandalized, wrote him off as 'evil snake boy.'

It's also worth taking into account that it's 1938, and the attitudes towards mental health back then.

Why is Tom looking at Dumbledore like that, anyway? Why is he so scared? What has he possibly been threatened with or heard whispers of?

"'Professor'?" repeated Riddle. He looked wary. "Is that like 'doctor'? What are you here for? Did she get you in to have a look at me?"

"I don't believe you," said Riddle. "She wants me looked at, doesn't she? Tell the truth!"

"You can't kid me! The asylum, that's where you're from, isn't it? 'Professor,' yes, of course -- well, I'm not going, see? That old cat's the one who should be in the asylum. I never did anything to little Amy Benson or Dennis Bishop, and you can ask them, they'll tell you!

Tom keeps insisting he's not mad until Dumbledore finally manages to calm him down.

I'm really upset this wasn't in the movie, because it's important context. Instead we got these throwaway cutscenes of some knick-knacks relating to the Cave he's got lying around, but I just would have preferred to see him freaking out like he does in the book.

There was extreme stigma and prejudice towards mental illness.

'Lunatic asylums,' as they were called in Tom's time, were terrible places. In the 1930s and 40s, he could look forward to being 'treated' with induced convulsions, via metrazol, insulin, electroshock, and malaria injections. And if he stuck around long enough, he could even look forward to a lobotomy!

So, if you think Dumbledore was judgmental towards Tom, imagine how flat-out prejudiced whatever doctors or 'experts' Mrs. Cole might have gotten in to 'look at him' must have been!

Moving on to the next few shots, he is sitting down and hunched over as if expecting punishment or at least some kind of bad news, Dumbledore is mostly out of the frame. He’s trapped visually, by Dumbledore on one side, and a wall on the other, because he’s still very much afraid. uncomfortable, as he tells Dumbledore a secret that he fears could get him committed to an asylum (which were fucking horrible places, as I said).

It brings to the scene that miserable sense of isolation and loneliness to that has defined Tom’s entire life up to that point (and, partially due to his own bad choices, continues to define it).

And, when Dumbledore accepts it, his posture changes. he becomes more confident and more at ease, as he describes the... utilities of his magical abilities. 

"All sorts," breathed Riddle. A flush of excitement was rising up his neck into his hollow cheeks; he looked fevered. "I can make things move without touching them. I can make animals do what I want them to do, without training them. I can make bad things happen to people who annoy me. I can make them hurt if I want to."

Riddle lifted his head. His face was transfigured: There was a wild happiness upon it, yet for some reason it did not make him better looking; on the contrary, his finely carved features seemed somehow rougher, his expression almost bestial.

I do think Harry, our narrator, is being a tad bit judgmental here. Magic is probably the only thing that brings Tom happiness in his grey, lonely world, and when I was Tom's age and being bullied, if I had magic powers, you'd better believe that I'd (a) be bloody ecstatic about it (b) use them. And, like Tom, I can't honestly say that I can't imagine getting a bit carried-away with it. Unfortunately, we can't all be as inherently good and kindhearted as Harry.

Reading HBP again, as a 'mature' person, it almost seems like the reader is being prompted to see Tom as evil just because he's got 'weird' facial expressions.

So... uh...

Nope, let's judge Tom on his actions, not looks of 'wild happiness.'

To his great surprise, however, Dumbledore drew his wand from an inside pocket of his suit jacket, pointed it at the shabby wardrobe in the corner, and gave the wand a casual flick. The wardrobe burst into flames. Riddle jumped to his feet; Harry could hardly blame him for howling in shock and rage; all his worldly possessions must be in there. But even as Riddle rounded on Dumbledore, the flames vanished, leaving the wardrobe completely undamaged.

Okay, one thing I dislike is Tom's lack of emotional affect when Dumbledore burned the wardrobe, in the books, he jumped up and started screaming, instead of looking passively (in shock, perhaps?) at the fire. Incidentally, I can't really tell if he's impressed or in shock, to be honest. I think they really tried to make Tom 'creepier' in the movie.

This is one of the incidents where Dumbledore's inability to deal with children crops up.

I think he was trying to teach Tom that magic can be dangerous, and he wouldn't like it to be used against him, but burning the wardrobe that contains everything he owns was a terrible move on Dumbledore's part. Tom already has very limited trust in other people, and now, he's not going to trust Dumbledore at all -- now, he's put Tom on the defensive/offensive for the rest of their interaction, and perhaps for the rest of their teacher-student relationship.

Riddle stared from the wardrobe to Dumbledore; then, his expression greedy, he pointed at the wand. "Where can I get one of them?"

"Where do you buy spellbooks?" interrupted Riddle, who had taken the heavy money bag without thanking Dumbledore, and was now examining a fat gold Galleon.

But I'm not surprised Tom is 'greedy.' He's grown up in an environment where if he wants something, whether that's affection, food, money, toys, he's got to take it. There's no one looking after his needs specifically. I'm not surprised that he's a thief and a hoarder, and I don't think that counts as a moral failing necessarily, and more of a maladaptive way of seeking comfort. It would be bizarre if he came out of Wool's Orphanage a complete saint.

Additionally, I think given that the Gaunt family has a history of 'mental instability,' Tom is a sensitive child, and the trauma of growing up institutionalized and possibly being treated badly due to his magical abilities or personality disorder deeply affected him.

And there are points where it seems that Dumbledore is quick to judge Tom.

"He was already using magic against other people, to frighten, to punish, to control."

"Yes, indeed; a rare ability, and one supposedly connected with the Dark Arts, although as we know, there are Parselmouths among the great and the good too. In fact, his ability to speak to serpents did not make me nearly as uneasy as his obvious instincts for cruelty, secrecy, and domination."

"I trust that you also noticed that Tom Riddle was already highly self-sufficient, secretive, and, apparently, friendless?..."

And while this is all empirically true, these are (a) a product of Tom's harsh environment, and (b) do not necessarily make him evil. But the point remains that child psych didn't exist as a field of its own, and psychology as a proper science was in its infancy, so I'd be shocked if Dumbledore was insightful about Tom's situation.

But I've gone a ton of paragraphs without citing anything, so I've got to rectify that.

Let's talk about Harry Harlow's monkey experiments in the 1950-70s.

If you're not a fan of animal research, since I know some people are uncomfortable with it, feel free to scroll past.

Here's the TL;DR: Children need to be hugged and shown affection too, not just fed and clothed, please don't leave babies to 'cry out' and ignore their needs because it's backwards and fucking inhumane. HUG AND COMFORT AND CODDLE CHILDREN AND SPOIL THEM WITH AFFECTION!

I will put more red writing when the section is over.

This is still an interesting experiment to have in mind while we explore the whole 'no one taught Tom Riddle how to love' thing and whether or not it's actually a good argument.

Andddd let's go all the way back to the initial 1958 experiment, featured in Harlow's paper, the Nature of Love. (If you're familiar with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, him and Harlow actually collaborated for a time).

To give you an idea of our starting point, until Harlow's experiment, which happened twenty years after Dumbledore meets Tom for the first time, no one in science had really been interested in studying love and affection.

"Psychologists, at least psychologists who write textbooks, not only show no interest in the origin and development of love or affection, but they seem to be unaware of its very existence."

I'm going to link some videos of Harry Harlow showing the actual experiment, which animal rights activists would probably consider 'horrifying.' It's nothing gory or anything, but if you are particularly soft-hearted (and I do not mean that as an insult), be warned. It's mostly just baby monkeys being very upset and Harlow discussing it in a callous manner. Yes, today it would be considered unethical, but it's still incredibly important work and if you think you can handle it, I would recommend watching at least the first one to get an idea of how dramatic this effect is.

Dependency when frightened

The full experiment

The TL;DW:

This experiment was conducted with rhesus macaques; they're still used in psychology/neuroscience research when you want very human-like subjects, because they are very intelligent (unnervingly so, actually). I'd say that adult ones remind me of a three-year old child.

Harlow separated newborn monkeys from their mothers, and cared for their physical needs. They had ample nutrition, bedding, warmth, et cetera. However, the researchers noticed that the monkeys:

(a) were absolutely miserable. And not just that, but although all their physical needs were taken care of, they weren't surviving well past the first few days of life. (This has also been documented in human babies, and it's called failure to thrive and I'll talk about it a bit later).

(b) showed a strong attachment to the gauze pads used to cover the floor, and decided to investigate.

So, they decided to provide a surrogate 'mother.' Two, actually. Mother #1 was basically a heated fuzzy doll that was nice for the monkeys to cuddle with. Mother #2 was the same, but not fuzzy and made of wire. Both provided milk. The result? The monkeys spent all their time cuddling and feeding from the fuzzy 'mother.' Perhaps not surprising.

What Harlow decided next, is that one of the hallmarks being attached to your caregiver is seeking hugs and reassurance from them when frightened. So, when the monkeys were presented with something scary, they'd go straight to the cloth mother and ignore the wire one. Not only that, but when placed in an unfamiliar environment, if the cloth mother was present, the monkeys would be much calmer.

In a follow-up experiment, Harlow decided to see if there was some sort of sensitive period by introducing both 'mothers' to monkeys who had been raised in isolation for 250 days. Guess what?

The initial reaction of the monkeys to the alterations was one of extreme disturbance. All the infants screamed violently and made repeated attempts to escape the cage whenever the door was opened. They kept a maximum distance from the mother surrogates and exhibited a considerable amount of rocking and crouching behavior, indicative of emotionality.

Yikes. So, at first Harlow thought that they'd passed some kind of sensitive period for socialization. But after a day or two they calmed down and started chilling out with the cloth mother like the other monkeys did. But here's a weird thing:

That the control monkeys develop affection or love for the cloth mother when she is introduced into the cage at 250 days of age cannot be questioned. There is every reason to believe, however, that this interval of delay depresses the intensity of the affectional response below that of the infant monkeys that were surrogate-mothered from birth onward

All these things... attachment, affection, love, seeking comfort ... are mostly learned behaviours.

Over.

Orphanages, institutionalized childcare, and why affection is a need, not an extra.

His face is lit the exact same was as Coulson’s was in COS (half-light, half-dark), and I said I was going to talk about this in Part 3. I think perhaps it's intended to make Fiennes-Tiffin look more evil or menacing, but I'm going to quite deliberately misinterpret it.

Now, for some context, Dumbledore has just (kind of) burned his wardrobe, ratted out his stealing habit, and (in the books only, they really took a pair of scissors to this scene) told him he needs to go apologize and return everything and Dumbledore will know if he doesn't, and, well, Tom's not exactly a happy bugger about it.

But interestingly, in the books, this is when we start to see Tom's 'persona,' aka his mask, start to come into play. Whereas before, he was screaming, howling, and generally freaking out, here, he starts to hide his emotions -- in essence, obscure his true self under a shadow. So this scene is really the reverse of Coulson's in COS.

And perhaps I'm reading wayyy too much into this, but I can't help but notice that Coulson's hair is parted opposite to Fiennes-Tiffin's, and the opposite sides of their faces are shadowed, too.

Riddle threw Dumbledore a long, clear, calculating look. "Yes, I suppose so, sir," he said finally, in an expressionless voice.

Riddle did not look remotely abashed; he was still staring coldly and appraisingly at Dumbledore. At last he said in a colorless voice, "Yes, sir."

Here's an article from The Atlantic on Romanian orphanages in the 1980s, when the dictator, Ceausescu, basically forced people to have as many children as possible and funnel them into institutionalized 'childcare', and it's absolutely heartbreaking.

There's not a whole lot of information out there on British orphanages in the 30s' and 40s', but given that people back then thought you just had to keep children on a strict schedule and feed them, it wouldn't have a whole lot better.

The only thing I've found is this, and it's not super promising.

The most important study informing the criteria for contemporary nosologies, was a study by Barbara Tizard and her colleagues of young children being raised in residential nurseries in London (Tizard, 1977). These nurseries had lower child to caregiver ratios than many previous studies of institutionalized children. Also, the children were raised in mixed aged groups and had adequate books and toys available. Nevertheless, caregivers were explicitly discouraged from forming attachments to the children in their care.

Here's a fairly recent paper that I think gives a good summary: Link

Here, they describe the responses to the Strange Situation test (which tests a child's attachment to their caregiver).

We found that 100% of the community sample received a score of “5,” indicating fully formed attachments, whereas only 3% of the infants living in institutions demonstrated fully formed attachments. The remaining 97% showed absent, incomplete, or odd and abnormal attachment behaviors.

Bowlby and Ainsworth, who did the initial study, thought that children would always attach to their caregivers, regardless of neglect or abuse. But some infants don't attach (discussed along with RAD in Part 2).

Here's a really good review paper on attachment disorders in currently or formerly institutionalized children : Link

Core features of RAD in young children include the absence of focused attachment behaviors directed towards a preferred caregiver, failure to seek and respond to comforting when distressed, reduced social and emotional reciprocity, and disturbances of emotion regulation, including reduced positive affect and unexplained fearfulness or irritability.

Which all sounds a lot like Tom in this scene. The paper also discusses neurological effects, like atypical EEG power distribution (aka brain waves), which can correlate with 'indiscriminate' behavior and poor inhibitory control; which makes sense for a kid who, oh, I don't know, hung another kid's rabbit because they were angry.

Furthermore...

...those children with more prolonged institutional rearing showed reduced amygdala discrimination and more indiscriminate behavior.

This again, makes a ton of sense for Tom's psychological profile, because the amygdala (which is part of the limbic system, which regulates emotions) plays a major role in fear, anger, anxiety, and aggression, especially with respect to learning, motivation and memory.

So, I agree completely that Tom needed a lot of help, especially given the fact that he spent eleven years in an orphanage (longer than the Bucharest study I was referring to), and Dumbledore wasn't exactly understanding of his situation, and probably didn't realise what a dramatic effect the orphanage had on Tom, and given the way he talks to Tom, probably treated him as if he were a kid who grew up in a healthy environment.

In case you are still unconvinced that hugging is that important, there's a famous 1944 study conducted on 40 newborn human infants to see what would happen if their physical needs (fed, bathed, diapers changed) were provided for with no affection. The study had to be stopped because half the babies died after four months. Affection leads to the production of hormones and boosts the immune system, which increases survival, and that is why we hug children and babies should not be in orphanages. They are supposed to be hugged, all the time. I can't find the citation right now, I'll add it later if I find it.

But I think it's vastly unrealistic to say that Dumbledore, who grew up during the Victorian Era, would have any grasp of this and I don't think he was actively malicious towards Tom.

Was Tom Riddle failed by institutional childcare? Absolutely.

Were the adults in his life oblivious to his situation? Probably.

Do the shitty things that happened to Tom excuse the murders he committed, and are they anyone's fault but his own? No. At the end of the day, Tom made all the wrong choices.

And, for what it's worth, I think (film) Dumbledore (although he expresses the same sentiment in more words in the books) wishes he could go back in time and have helped Tom.

"Draco. Years ago, I knew a boy, who made all the wrong choices. Please, let me help you."

[its-nebula]

V3 Boys x Inhuman!S/O

Your creature is: Angel

He always did feel that you brought sunshine and guidance into his life.

He just didn't know that it was literally your job to do so.

Still, you were an anomaly to him. You were just so perfect, so pure. And yet, the aura you radiated was just so powerful.

Shuichi found himself having less nightmares. Instead, you almost always found a way into his dreams, not that he was complaining.

He did, however appreciate whenever you offered him advice. You always knew the right thing to do, and he knew that he could always count on you.

"I had a feeling that it wasn't the right call. Wow, S/O, you really are wise!"

As a detective, however, he has a natural curiosity and drive to explain things that are unexplainable.

How do you get things right so often?

And everytime you got a scratch or cut, no matter how large or small, it was practically fully healed by the next day?

Hmmm...

Your creature is: Demon

You seriously needed to walk on eggshells around your boyfriend if you didn't want to be found out.

Literally all he does is study rituals that could be potentially harmful to you.

You love him anyways, though, which is the main reason you can't let him in on your identitiy.

You did your absolute best to keep Korekiyo out of harm's way.

Whenever you felt the negative energy someone possesed, you had no problem telling them to stay away from your boyfriend.

He really values having peace, so he makes sure to thank you for driving away any negative people.

"Oh, S/O, my darling, how I'm always so appreciative of you keeping me in your best interests."

He always feels a little hurt when you won't join him in studying his rituals, though.

"My darling, is something wrong? I'm not making you uncomfortable, am I?"

You always have to sweat nervously and come up with an excuse.

Your creature is: Unicorn

An interesting pair for sure.

But you made it work.

Kokichi was very nosy, so hiding was a bit difficult. However, you were used to masking your true identity, so you found ways.

Your boyfriend also being a little gremlin, you had to protect him at all times.

But he's Kokichi, so he pretends he doesn't like it.

"Jeeeeeez, S/O, I don't need you following me around all the time!"

You're not immortal, but you've lived much longer than Kokichi. You've met kind people, mean people, evil people, good people, honest people, and liars. You knew he was lying.

Surprisngly to you as well, he was very prone to feelings of deep sadness and loneliness, like a dark cloud was hanging over his head.

You may or may not use your magic to drive away any negative thoughts that he may have about himself.

He's in denial that he feels better around you...because he's Kokichi and it scares him.

"Yeah, you're alright to have around. The perfect prank target!"

����😑😑😑😑

Your creature is: Werewolf

The guy is very reclusive, so he really doesn't care when you tend to keep your distance out of fear of being found out.

"I'm too dangerous for you anyways, S/O. Maybe you should just go find someone better..."

He even suspected you of cheating when you kept going out at night, but didn't bother to say anything.

You would never even think of leaving Ryoma, and it made you a little bit sad he would even think of that. You knew it wasn't his fault, though.

One thing you did dislike about him, though, was the fact he was a cat person. Every time his cat hissed at you, you did a low growl bsck, scaring it off. Only when you're alone with her do you growl, however.

"Guess she doesn't like you, huh? I'm sorry about that."

You always smile so sweetly at him, reassuring him that it's okay.

Whenever you two go out, you make sure to let everyone know that you weren't messing around.

If they say something, you walk up to them and bear your teeth, and they take off in the other direction.

"Typical... even strangers don't want to be around me."

Somebody please get this man some therapy.

Your creature is: Shinigami

For the most part, life is pretty normal for the two of you.

Gonta doesn't really get himself into troubling situations, so you don't really have to worry about sentencing him to death.

Anyone who hurts him, however?

That's a different story.

You try not to kill too many people, though, as you know that's not what Gonta would want.

He gets really confused when one of his bugs sting you and you don't even flinch.

"S/O! Gonta sorry about bee! S/O isn't hurting?!"

You make up a reason, and he just goes along with it.

If ever a time does come when you have to sentence Gonta, you have to decide.

Will you save his life and sacrifice yours, or let him die in a peaceful way and let him rest?

What will you do?

Your creature is: Wendigo

It's pretty easy to get past Kiibo.

Although he may find it a little bit strange how you almost never seem to get very hungry, or eat...

He doesn't question it.

After all, all humans are different! He's read up on this thing they have called "metabolism". Yours is probably just really slow!

"Um, S/O are you positive that you'll be okay?"

As easy as it was, though, you didn't feel right murdering and eating innocent people behind your unknowing boyfriend. So, you went to the nearest prison, found a person who was on Death Row, and decided to just feast on them.

Hey, they were going to die anyways, and they were a criminal.

Still, you couldn't help but feel a little guilty looking into your boyfriend's oh-so innocent eyes.

"Don't worry, S/O! There's apparently someone who's been breaking into prisons and murdering inmates, but I'll do my best to protect you to the very end!!!"

He's Baby.

Your creature is: Unicorn

He gets very upset time to time, whenever he thinks about his sisters.

Obviously, you use your powers to help him search.

"I refuse to give up. With you by my side, S/O, I just know that we can find them...together."

You have ultrasound, and you use it to listen for any sounds, or get any hints at all.

When you're both riding in the boat, you use protection charms to make sure no sharks or other dastardly sea creatures disturb you.

You also use one to prevent the two of you from getting seasick.

You also use any powers you have to try and ward away Rantaro's negative thoughts or any self-doubt, but it doesn't always work.

It makes you feel bad that your powers can only do so much. All you wanted was to find his sisters.

But you wouldn't give up, not now and not ever. You had to be strong for each other. You just knew that one day you would find them, all 12 of them.

"I know it's going to be a struggle, but we can do it."

Your creature is: Wendigo

Kaito was one of the only ones who had just the utmost belief in you, and it always made you feel bad for being a literal cannibal.

He was very proud when you announced your new job at a prison.

"Helping those in need! That's so awesome, S/O!"

Heh...yeeaaaahhhhhh.

You kept the eating to an absolute minimum.

Whenever Kaito offered to train with you, you thought it was a little funny to mess with him by a little bit.

You had superhuman strength and speed, so you always beat him in foot races and bench pressing.

"Huh?! No fair, I thought I would beat you this time!"

He's not a sore loser, however. He uses it as motivation.

"Well...! I'll just have to train even harder so that I can for sure catch up to you next time!"

If you think about it, you were technically helping him.

You also had a great amount of intelligence, and you used it to help Kaito with his astronaut needs. Calculations and such.

"Thanks, babe! You're the best! I can't wait to live out my dream with you!"

[ramblings-of-a-mad-cat]

(sees another fandom that I can ask you about and cheers) Orphan Black! Thoughts? I don't know Dr Who but Tatiana is one of my favorite actors period.

Anon you are so sweet! I'm always happy to chat about fandoms and characters and whatnot, and I will never not appreciate the majesty of Tatiana's acting. That is one of the greatest parts of the show hands down.

Orphan Black, to me, is a show that had incredible potential, but didn't really live up to the excitement it created. (Loooong post ahead.)

The thing is, Orphan Black builds a chilling mystery and background, the world it gradually creates as it goes for about the first two seasons, got be very invested and made me wonder a lot about where it was going to go and what the answers were. The setup is brilliant, right from the start with that iconic cold open of Beth's suicide. The unknown is what really helped this show get as thrilling as it was, because the actual answers behind the unknown were kind of hit and miss, and it seemed like far too often, the show just wasn't interested in telling it's story. Hijinks where the clones impersonate each other in slice of life events? That's fun at first and it really works well as they're still getting to know each other. But after a while, it gets tedious, and it seems like the show would rather fuck around and have dance parties (seriously, that scene was such a #BigLippedAlligatorMoment) than focus on the story and the threat that the sisters are facing. Virtually all of Allison's plotlines are like this, they feel like they belong in a different show, and for some reason the writers insisted on giving her one of these storylines like, every season. After Allison passively murders her own friend out of suspecting that she's spying on her, I just don't feel like an arc about her running for some PTA office position even matters. It doesn't feel right.

Speaking of that, here's another example: Donnie. Why did the end of the first season suggest that he was this secret mastermind working for Leekie? The whole idea just deflates in Season 2 and doesn't really go anywhere. He just goes back to being the bumbling sweetheart he was before. Why even have him be the spy? Maybe it should have been Ainsley. Do you want to know the exact moment that I think Orphan Black went wrong? Like, the specific scene? When Leekie was killed off. The character who had thus far been the Big Bad, gets taken out in the stupidest possible way, a literal accident on Donnie's part, and it's even played for laughs. After that point, the show really struggled to regain it's footing, though I don't think it completely went off the rails until about Season 4, and it was still generally hit or miss. Like, some stuff was really good. The introduction of the Castor clones, the development of Rachel's character (I'll get to her, trust me.) and the reveal of Kendall Malone. But it seemed like so much else was just forgotten or otherwise not resolved. Whatever happened to Cal? Sure, the show wanted to focus on the sisters...but Kira deserves to know her father if she wants to. That's just one example. It's a crying shame because this show is sometimes incredible. The metaphor that I always use for situations like this, is a card game. The show has all the right cards in its hand, they're just not being played.

The two strongest characters, at least to me, were Rachel and Helena. One of these characters was superbly written and went through a devastating arc. The other was Helena. We need to talk about her. In Season 1, she really cemented herself as a memorable presence with her trademark accent, her scars, her whole damn personality (again, hats off to Tatiana) and of course, that iconic screechy theme music that accompanied her. Which at first made us jump, but eventually made us cheer. I adored Helena, and I loved the development of her relationship with Sarah. Who went from shooting her in Season 1, to being deadset on rescuring her in Season 3, being furious with Siobhan for betraying her. (This is unrelated but Siobhan has the same " twist villain fakeout" at the end of Season 1 that Donnie does, and it's quite frustrating.) And yet, I swear, the writers just didn't know what to do with Helena half the time. They put her on a bus for long stretches, including one point where she just up and leaves Allison's house in Season 4, for no given reason. And the characters just kind of...don't care. The same thing happens when she gets arrested. No one cares to try and find Helena, even though she's unstable and often a danger to those around her. Even though she's by herself with no real ability to function in society. Even though she's pregnant. There is no excuse for this, and no Sarah, that "I'm sorry, I avoided you" scene in Season 5 is not going to cut it. It's such an afterthought.

I'm being rather critical, but I hope you can tell that this is from a point of passion. I genuinely enjoyed this show and getting to watch it. Just that sometimes it didn't feel like the show cared that I was watching. However, this was not true whenever Rachel was onscreen. Look, I'm a Merula Snyde stan, so you can probably already guess how I feel about Rachel. Despite her crimes, despite her constant slipping back the dark side, I felt so bad for Rachel at the end of it all. That scene with Kira really sums it up. "Who hurt you?" "All of them." And no scene is more intense than when she stabs out the eye cam. Like, I'm sorry, I pitied Rachel pretty much from Season 2 on. Her parents were horrible to her, and I'm supposed to think Ethan is the good guy here? He kills himself in front of his own daughter, telling her that she doesn't deserve him. And then Sarah shoots a pencil through her eye, causing brain damage and requiring a long recovery. I'm not saying that Sarah was wrong to do what she did, just that if I were in her shoes, I'd still feel a degree of guilt for Rachel's condition. In the end, I'm devastated that she was barred from Clone Club, when she made the right decision at the point it mattered. But there's just too much history there, and Sarah won't ever forgive her. (Though again, I do feel as though there's blame to share.) Rachel is my favorite character and I never expected her to be. But she's just so complex. Side note: "Enjoy your oophorectomy" is so damn quotable. I don't know why but I love that line.

So, Rachel's my favorite. Who's my least favorite? It might surprise you. It's Delphine. I'm sorry, but I just...I couldn't get on board with C*phine. Not after Season 3. I was waiting for the point that the show would push to finally redeem Delphine for her turncoat role, for all of the hell that she put Cosima through. By Season 5 though? I realized that as far as the writers were concerned? She already was redeemed. Even though she did nothing to earn it, except be presumed dead by Cosima. The way she treats Cosima in Season 3 is actually disgusting. Her reasoning for breaking up with Cosima is circular. She has to love "all the clones" in order to be with Cosima, and the way to do that is to take over Rachel's job, which means they can't date anymore? I'm not the only one who thought that didn't make sense, right? Oh and let's talk about how she stalks Cosima's date, breaks into her house, and threatens her life. Red. Flags. Cosima even says the line, "If you're not going to be with me, just let me go." I'm sorry, that should not be something she has to beg for. Delphine's behavior made me want her to stay far, far away from Cosima. Who is, incidentally, a sweetie and I absolutely adore her. I legit have trouble remembering that Tatiana's playing her because she just looks and acts so different. That said, even though I immensely disliked Delphine, I am so very glad that they made one of the clones gay. Just like I'm glad that they made one of them trans. (Though...Tony wasn't handled especially well.)

In general, I do think the earlier seasons were stronger. The Brightborn arc, while interesting, didn't really contribute much to the overarching narrative. We got the backstory on Beth's suicide and finally learned the truth about her, I suppose. Still, even though Beth is one of my favorite of the clones, and I never expected her to be either...I feel like the actual reason given for why she took her own life was rather illogical. She apparently did it because the investigation was putting the clones in danger of another Helsinki. Okay, but just because Evie Cho says you should off yourself, doesn't mean you have to. You could just, like...stop investigating. And if you die under mysterious circumstances without explaining anything to the sisters, they're not going to be put off from the investigation. They're going to look into this even more, because they don't know why they're not supposed to. The reveal that she and Art fell in love toward the end adds an extra gut punch, but it also doesn't make sense because wouldn't Art have referenced it during the period that he thought Sarah was Beth? On the other hand, Season 4 also introduced MK. And I have such a soft spot for her. I adore that sheep-masked sweetie. Everyone always asks "Which clone would you date" (because fandoms can think of nothing else I guess) and I never see anyone give any love to MK. Her death absolutely tore me apart. I am glad Siobhan avenged her even if she went down at the same time. Side note, her last word being the affectionate "Chickens..." Broke me.

Season 5 was a strange beast. In general, it seemed like we were finally getting some answers to the questions that were hanging over us. Exploring the deep mythos. But then they kind of turned it around and made it just be a Wizard of Oz style fraud twist. Westmoreland isn't really inhumanly old, he's a charlatan. I don't know why that was necessary in a science fictional show. I've seen the interviews and I get what they were going for, it just feels like it would have been cooler and far creepier if he was actually that old. The puppet master pulling the strings the whole time. We also finally get some answers for Kira's superhuman healing abilities (though we never learn how she's telepathically connected to the clones) and I'm loving it, but the trouble is, it's inconsistent. Ethan "Why is this guy so popular, he's an asshole" Duncan told Rachel specifically that Sarah being able to have children was a fluke, that the clones were "barren by design." I don't know, the whole concept of Revival and of the "magical island" was really foreboding and tied in with the earlier references to The Island of Doctor Moreau. Especially that song about "Revival's Children" just...the shudders, man. But just having it be a regular old scam is...a letdown. I know it may be more realistic, but I don't always need realism in my scifi. The finale is interesting, in that it's mostly an epilogue. I'm glad the clones (sans Rachel) got to live happily ever after, but there are two gut punches right at the end that are total nitpicks but they bother me. Helena naming her kids after Art and Donnie? And writing a memoir that she names "Orphan Black?" Those two tropes can go die in a hole. They can enjoy an oophorectomy, because I'm so sick of them.

The potential of Orphan Black was practically infinite. The results of Orphan Black fell frustratingly short.

[mellometal]

Hi, everyone.

I have something extremely important to talk about that is NOT fandom related. I really do hope this can reach everyone on here, especially since it's still Autism Acceptance Month.

A few quick questions for anyone who happens to see this before I dive right into this: Have you ever heard of Dhar Mann? If so, have you ever seen his videos? What do you think about them?

If you don't know who Dhar Mann is, he's a content creator whose main platforms are Instagram and YouTube. He makes these videos about various scenarios from a couple on the brink of divorce, to kids bullying one of their peers, even about Autism Spectrum Disorder. All of his videos have some kind of message at the end that really drives the point home. One of his most recent videos is about ASD, which is what I'm going to discuss today.

Personally, I think some of his videos are interesting, despite the concepts being reused and recycled over and over; however, how I feel about the video he made about ASD is the complete opposite. I'll summarize the video he made so you don't have to watch it. (If you really want to watch it to see exactly what I'm talking about, I'm not gonna stop you. Do what you need to do in order to form your own opinion.)

The video Dhar Mann made about ASD is about this boy who excludes his autistic brother from participating in activities with his friends at school. The boy bullies his autistic brother and does pretty much everything to make his brother's life Hell, even going as far as to pretend that he doesn't know his own brother. The boy "instantly regrets his decision" when their mom is called into the school to discipline her son for bullying his autistic brother. What his mother says is what REALLY upsets me. The message of this video in particular is this, WORD FOR FUCKING WORD. I wish I was kidding. But here's the message below:

How the video concludes is the boy reluctantly includes his autistic brother in every single activity, the boy sees his brother's potential, and they live happily ever after. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo.

As an autistic woman who works with disabled people for a living, that message Dhar Mann put in this video specifically is not only extremely ableist, but is also spreading misinformation about ASD.

News flash to all the people who still spread misinformation about ASD: Not every single autistic person is a little white boy in elementary school, nor is every single autistic person a young white man who's a Super Genius™️. (I could go on all day long about how the media stereotypes autistic characters and autistic people in general, but that's a whole other topic.) No autistic person is the same, meaning we all fall on the spectrum in different places and all that jazz. There's no "look" to autistic people either because no autistic person looks the same.

Autistic women exist.

Autistic girls exist.

Autistic nonbinary people exist.

Autistic BIPOC and AAPI exist.

Autistic people who are completely nonverbal exist.

Autistic people who are completely verbal exist.

Autistic people who are in the middle of being nonverbal and verbal exist.

Autistic people who require minimal to no support exist.

Autistic people who require moderate support exist.

Autistic people who require full support exist.

Autistic LGBT people exist. (Reason why I bring this one up is because the media almost always shows cishet autistic men and I don't see autistic LGBT representation very often, if ever.)

Autism isn't something you can "catch". People have this same mentality about ADHD and Tourette's Syndrome too, which, by the way, you can't "catch" either.

Autism doesn't "go away" when you reach adolescence or adulthood. Why? BECAUSE AUTISTIC TEENAGERS AND AUTISTIC ADULTS EXIST. Autistic kids grow into autistic teenagers, then into autistic adults.

You can't "cure" it either. Unless you can build a time machine and a device to go back in time to change how a person's brain develops, there is no cure. ABA therapy is a fucking shit show in itself that does more harm than good.

The title of the video is a real squick for me too. It's mostly because I don't particularly enjoy people using person first language (the "boy with autism" part). I've seen many other autistic people on multiple other platforms sharing that same sentiment and preferring identity first language (autistic person). There are also others who prefer using person first language and those who don't have a preference. That's all perfectly valid. Whatever you prefer people using when referring to you, or whatever you refer to yourself as, in this case, is totally valid and I love you. This goes for disabilities in general, not just Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Regarding the message in this video, here's my response to it! A quick heads-up, my response is VERY long and VERY passionate. I was VERY close to making a response video where I tear that video apart AND tear Dhar Mann a new asshole. Unfortunately, it worked me up so much that I was really struggling with what I wanted to say and I had to stop multiple times because I kept stumbling on my words. That's how angry this message made me. I'll try my best to explain whatever parts you have questions about. I put my response in the nicest way I possibly could, despite me seething with rage, wanting to go OFF on him.

(The first part of my response are the first three screenshots, and the second part are the last three screenshots.)

The first part of my response, I did forget to add that the message is offensive and disrespectful to autistic people as a whole. I apologize. My initial comment got way too long. I pretty much covered that when I told him the message is ableist. I wanted to clear that up before anyone asks about it.

The second part of my response is me opening up about my experience with being diagnosed with ASD, formerly known as As//per//ger's Syn//dro//me, at sixteen years old. I also went into how not calling ASD what it truly is (which is a disability) and calling it a "different ability" instead is extremely harmful and is treating being disabled like it's a bad thing.

By the way, saying that a disabled person is disabled isn't a bad thing. I'm disabled. It is what it is. Does it have its challenges? You bet. Does it help me with certain things? Hell yeah. I can really absorb information about my favorite bands, characters, shows, books, etc., and tell you a lot about those things. For example, I can tell you that Su can't ride a bike or read manga and she's okay with that. I can also tell you she can't tie her shoes very well, which is why her boots don't have laces and are slip-on and/or zip-up. But that doesn't mean my struggles are nonexistent or that I never struggle. I do, and it makes my life Hell at times.

The narrative that autism is a bad thing to have, every autistic person is somehow broken and they all need to be "fixed" is also super fucked up and not true. That's the narrative that I received when I was diagnosed by a therapist I had. I'm gonna be real here, I cried when I was first told that I was diagnosed with ASD. I felt like I was broken. I already felt like a total outcast. Being told about my diagnosis made me feel even more broken than I already felt. I was so ashamed of myself, despite me not doing anything wrong whatsoever, that I masked for SEVEN YEARS of my life. I masked for so long that I forgot I was even diagnosed with ASD in the first place. I wasn't taught how to really put my special interests into good use. I kinda had to figure that out on my own. I was pretty much under the assumption that me being interested in anime, cartoons, music, comics, theatre, writing, etc., to the point of obsession, was somehow weird and hurting people around me. You know, despite those things being harmless. Despite me being able to separate those things from other things that are important (like work, for example). Despite my only surviving parent, other family members, and the woman he was dating at the time completely overreacting and not bothering to see exactly what makes these things so special to me.

(By the way, having a disability does not completely make who a person is. There are a lot more things that make who a person is than that.)

It's kinda shocking that I wasn't able to come to terms with my diagnosis until this year. Considering that I masked for so long due to being ashamed of myself, plus being treated like a burden for being disabled, it's probably not very surprising. I initially thought at the time that it was the worst thing to have, as I was already struggling with enough shit back then, but came to realize it's not a bad thing. It doesn't change who I am. But I'm glad I came to terms with it finally nonetheless.

This is getting way too long, so I'm gonna wrap things up here. If you've read this far, thank you so much. I'm sorry this got so long!

If you watched the video, what are your thoughts on it? If this is your first time hearing about Dhar Mann, how do you feel about him? If you're a Dhar Mann fan, did this change your opinion on him in any way? Feel free to sound off in the comments!

Have a great day, everyone!

[allaboutthebooz]

Still Learning Pt. Three

Summary: After having everything stolen from her, the reader meets Bucky and they form a relationship, that works for the both of them. She needs money and he needs the company. There are rules that need to be followed. What will happen when the rules are broken?

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: Cursing, drinking

A/N: Sorry this has taken so long. Just when I find a groove, it gets knocked off course. But it's finally here and I hope you all enjoy.

After getting your drinks, Bucky decides to get a little invasive. “So, how come you are here by yourself?”

Y/N lets out a small laugh. “I’m not. My friends decided they would rather dance than sit with me while I wallow.” She juts a thumb behind her, point to the small dance floor. Bucky looks past her to see a few people dancing. Most were couples dancing a little too inappropriately, but there were two women dancing together, and he assumes they’re Y/N’s friends.

Turning his gaze back to his company, he gives her a quick look over. Her jean jacket covering her upper body, but he notices her dress. The soft silk material, covered in a combination of blue, red, and orange, clinging to what curves her can see. Her hair down, but half was pulled back into a braid of some sort.

He looks at her face. Not noticing the look behind her eyes, until now. He should have been able to tell that she wasn’t happy. He’d seen the same look on his face, often when he’d look in the mirror. The mask she wore, similar to his.

“Wallow?” He asks.

She nods. “Yeah, I haven’t had the best luck lately.”

“Want to tell me about it? Maybe talking to a stranger will help.”

She shakes her head and huffs. “I doubt it. I’m in deep shit and have no clue what will happen.”

“Maybe I can help?”

She looks at Bucky, silent. He can see her debating what to say.

You’re not sure how long you spent staring at the man next to you. The man who wanted to know what kind of trouble you were in, after only knowing his name for thirty minutes. Looking down at the glass in your hand, you bring it to your lips and take a long sip from it.

“Fuck it. Why not tell it to you. Not like you’ll be able to find me again.” Looking back at Bucky, you see his jaw clench just slightly.

“You never know.” Is all he says. His voice gruff.

You open your mouth to start your story, when you feel two bodies press close to you. Looking to your right, you see Lexie and Deanna standing there. Both focused on Bucky.

“You okay?” Dee asks, her mama bear side starting to show.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You sure?” You feel Lexie grab a strand of your hair at its end. “Sorry we’ve been ignoring you.”

“No, it’s alright. I was actually thinking of heading home. I’m pretty tired.”

Both girls groan. “You’re supposed to be having fun.” Dee pushes.

You look over at Bucky, giving him a quick smile before turning back to your friends. “You know that’s impossible right now. I can’t focus on having fun when I’m about to lose my apartment. I’m gonna get home so I can get some sleep. I have to edit some photos and have them turned in tomorrow.”

Deanna opens her mouth to respond, but Lex puts a hand on her shoulder. “If that’s what you want to do, that’s fine. We know you have a lot going on right now. We just thought getting you out of the house would help.”

“And I appreciate it, but once everything if normal again, then I can start having fun.”

“Well, we can go. Let’s settle our tab.” Lexie says.

“No, you two stay. You’re actually enjoying yourselves. Don’t let me ruin your fun.”

“Are you sure?” Deanna asks. “We don’t mind.”

“Yeah, stay. I’ll get a cab.” You start to stand. Hugging the girls, they head back to the dance floor. You turn back to Bucky. “It was nice to meet you.”

You notice the panic slightly raise in his face. “Wait. I’ll go with you.”

You raise your eyebrows. “Back to my place? I don’t think that’s such a great idea.”

“No, not there. Why don’t we just walk around for a bit. Maybe see if there are any diners open or something.” He suggests.

You find yourself staring at him again. Your eyes rake over him. His dark hair, his blue eyes. His leather jacket and Henley shirt clinging to his chest. His thick thighs clad in dark blue jeans. Were you going to let this man keep you company? Were you going to open up to him? You probably won’t see him again after tonight and he seems like a nice guy. There was something familiar about him and you weren’t sure that you were ready to say goodbye.

“Okay. But just for a little while I really should get home and edit those photos.”

Bucky smiles wide and follows you out of the bar.

“I know a place that’s open all night. They have great food.” You suggest.

“Lead the way.”

You move down the sidewalk, Bucky beside you with his hands shoved in his jean pockets.

“So, you’re a photographer?” He asks.

“I am. Mostly fashion right now.”

“That’s cool. Anything I might have seen?”

You laugh. “Not unless you read Vogue.”

“No, I can’t say that I have. I really haven’t had time to do a ton of reading. My work keeps me busy.”

“Oh yeah? What do you do?” You ask, looking him over.

He stares at you like you should know who he is and what he does. “Uh I guess you could say that I work with the military.”

“Doing what?”

“Linguistics.”

You make an impressed face. “Sounds interesting.

It’s Bucky’s turn to laugh. “Yeah, I guess it can be.”

You both walk in silence for a while. You can feel Bucky’s urge to finish your conversation that was interrupted.

“You’re still wondering why I wasn’t wanting to stay and have fun, aren’t you? I can feel your curiosity growing.” You smirk at him.

He gives you a shy smile. “Yeah, I am. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. I don’t want you to think I’m overstepping.”

You look up at the night sky. The stars barely visible beyond the city lights. Sighing you say, “A month ago, my ex-boyfriend stole every single penny I had to my name. He destroyed my credit. He opened a couple of credit cards in my name and a loan from a bank in my name and never paid them. He disappeared and I haven’t heard from him. The cops haven’t bothered to find him. So I have no money, except what little cash I managed to withdraw before it all happened.”

Bucky stops walking, making you stop too. “Are you shitting me?”

You laugh. “I wish I was.”

“Son of a bitch.” He says, before continuing his stride.”

“Yeah.” You both walk a bit further before you stop in front of a wall full of windows. “This is it.”

He opens the door, allowing you to step inside first as he follows.

After settling into a booth by the windows, you both spend the rest of the night talking. He asked a few more questions and you explained to him that you were pretty much out of a job and would soon lose your home if you didn’t make enough money to pay your rent.

Eventually, you convinced him to move onto a different subject. Before you knew it, the sun was starting to peak from behind the other buildings. When a ray of light blinds you, you squint and look out the window.

“Oh shit. We literally talked all night.”

“I guess we did. I’m sorry. I know you needed to get home.” Bucky apologizes.

“You know what? I’m not even upset. This was way more fun than sitting at my desk in an empty apartment that won’t be mine for long.”

You start to gather your things as Bucky lays a few bills on the table. You both step outside, pulling jackets on. You look at Bucky and wonder what to do next.

“Well, I guess this is goodbye.” You say.

“It doesn’t have to be. I’d like to see you again.”

You bite your bottom lip. “I don’t know. I’d like to see you again, but my life is such a mess right now.”

“It doesn’t have to be. I’d like to help you.”

“How can you do that? You got a ton of money laying around or something?”

“Or something. Why don’t we do this again tonight? I can explain everything then.”

“I don’t know, Bucky.”

“How about this? I’m going to come back here to have more of those delicious pancakes. You can join me and let me help you. I’ll let you decide. I’ll be here at 7. If you show, we’ll talk. If you don’t, I’ll leave you alone.”

He gently leans in and kisses your cheek.

“I hope I see you later.” He hails a cab and opens the door for you, closing it once you’re settled in the backseat and walking the opposite way down the sidewalk.

‘What the hell was that?’ You think.

The taxi dropped you off in front of your building. You hand the driver some cash, telling him to keep the change. The whole drive home, you kept thinking about what he meant by wanting to help you. Did he have a job for you? Did he want you to take some headshots for him? You didn’t know much about him, except that he worked with the military, and he didn’t seem like he was the model or actor type, so headshots were out of the question.

You walked up the stairs to your apartment still pondering why Bucky wanted to help you and how he planned to do it. You get to your floor and move down the hallway, your apartment at the very end with your door facing towards you. You’re almost in front of it when you notice an envelope taped to your door. You peel it off, curious, and stick your key in the door to unlock it.

Stepping through the entrance, you lay your purse on the counter in the kitchen, peel your jean jacket off, and then your shoes. Once you’re somewhat settled, you peel open the letter and pull the piece of paper out of its snug exterior.

‘Y/N,

I hoped you would be home when I came by. I didn't want to do this how it's been done, but I don't have a choice.

I know how tough things have been for you the last month and I've done everything to try and help. You've been a perfect resident. Always paid your rent on time. You've always been nice to everyone here. However, unless you pay your rent by the end of the week, I'm afraid that you will be forced to move out.

I've tried talking to Tom to get him to understand your situation and though he is sympathetic, he can't pay the mortgage for the building without your portion of the rent.

I'm sorry there's nothing more that I can do for you.

I would hate to see you go, but I do not have a choice.

Let me know as soon as you can, if you are able to pay your rent and we can work something out.

Again, I'm sorry.

David’

Sign you crumble the paper into a ball and let it drop onto the counter.

‘Perfect.’ You think. After having a great night, you should have known the bliss wouldn't last for long.

You wanted to cry, but suddenly felt too exhausted. You decide to get a few hours of sleep, before trying to work or do anything else.

Peeling your silky dress from your body as you move towards your bed, you unhook your bra, tossing it aside, and finally collapse onto your mattress. You barely pull the covers over your mostly naked torso before you fall asleep. Dreaming of the blue-eyed man you had just spend your evening with.

TAGS:

Still Learning- @chipilerendi @vicmc624

Marvel- @shreddedparchment

Forevers- @jamielea81 @dnnwnchstr22 @also-fangirlinsweden

*If you would like to added to the tag list, please send me an ask. I am able to keep up with them better that way!

[siren-virus]

You know what? Just because you’d be able to talk my ears off with LuckyBoy!AU, I’m gonna keep asking you about it with long asks so I can get long answers (I love reading long answers since they give out so much info and speculation, while leaving room for discussion as well). So let's have a chat through asks so neither of us have anxiety(?) while talking to each other in messages.

Who would be some of the regulars when Ben is working at the cooffe shop? (I also love this au XD) Would Cooper, Rook, Gwen, Max and/or anyone else go at the same time as a group and have a casual conversation with the barista? Would Ben accidently gain confidential information about the Plumbers this way? I wonder if he would be famous between the aliens and humans near Undertown as one of the few humans that's actually chill with every alien regardless of appearances thanks to knowing Gwen with the Omnitrix from before?

I feel like Ben purposefully avoiding Cooper as his vigilante persona would start as a measure to avoid his identity being exposed (I belive it was Cooper who exposed him in UAF, right?), but later would develop into a troll play, waiting for him to finally find him and play a prank there.

Would Ben play pranks on Will Harangue for giving him bad publicity to the humans? I mean, it's not like he can just appear in front of a camera and tell his side of the story, he would be captured instantly, or interrupted at the very least; and he having his own social media wouldn't work too well since he isn't a tech genius and the Plumbers could track him down.

Also, what has Gwen done that they think they need Ben to protect them from her? Like yeah, in OV there's a lot of property damage, but they don't believe they need protection from him (at least I don't think so), so she must've done something big in order for that to happen.

And now an ask that isn't directly related to Ben XD Who would be some of the people leading an investigation against the vigilante, trying to discover his identity as well as species? Like I imagine Rook would be more of an addon to said investigation, being on the lookout but not actively investigating everything that Ben has been involved with, and Gwen has a lot on her plate, so let's not let her join said investigation.

Oh oh oh, I just thought about it, if Ben could be considered an Anodite in this AU, what happened when Verdona appeared in that one episode of AF? Did she manage to find Ben in the first place and almost but not quite take him away? Does the rest of the family know he's an Anodite and what are their thoughts about it? If they don't then how would Ben explain some of the magic things that he does and someone witness?

Ohohoh, buttering me up are ya? Well you're in for a brain dump.

Ok, first I gotta say: The alien cafe is separate to the plumbers (the plumbers have their on cafeteria, but like to indulge in other food sometimes, and non-instant coffee.)

So I was thinking, one of Ben's regular coworkers is Alan Albright. Reason for this is because Alan is not allowed to go on missions often. He's too young. I mean I know they definitely have child soldiers in OS- buuuut Max's influence has put a stop to that. He's seen how it affected Gwen. So, Alan is put on easy patrols in low crime area, in the city.

Alan, however wants in on the action, so Max had suggested the cafe. Ben and Alan have a very brotherly bond, and Ben (outside of his vigilante life) has been swaying Alan's opinion on both, the plumbers and his alter ego.

Manny, Alan, Helen and Cooper- When not busying himself with the tech lounge- (sorry, Pierce is still dead in this), will often come by the cafe, they sit in a booth and discuss things. Most occasions Ben is invited to sit with them.

When Gwen pops by their interactions are brief, Ben would try to tease her about anything and everything under the sun. "See Kevin lately?" "Oh, got beat by the walking glow stick again, huh?" "Geez, another jail break? 3rd time this week!"

Normally he gets a fiery reaction and a nasty retort.

Of course Ben would take every opportunity he can to get info. At first it wasn't intentional, he'd just eaves drop on a few conversations that interested him. As time goes by though, he's found that a lot of people, plumber, criminal and just outer space travelers, are more than happy to unload some gossip. Ben is very much delighted by that.

He's not exactly famous, he's well known for being a friendly person, yes. But not all throughout Undertown.

ain't cooper the blond dude with some kinda telekenetic power that ended up turning into an almost Kevin duplicate? (i'll fix that) NGL I forgot he grew up in UAF.

Pretty sure the one that exposed Ben was the nerd who was voiced by the VA of Robin (TeenTitans/Go). Now that you bring it up though, that guy... Jimmy, is someone to be avoided, cause he's a snoopy guy. Who also hangs out at the cafe a lot to get details. Always ends up harassing Ben cause he knows Ben has all the juicy gossip.

And yeah Ben would totally take advantage of it to mess with the poor kid.

Definitely. Ben would mess with Will Harangue as much as possible. Especially when he goes live. Ben won't confront him personally, or do anything that could possibly reveal his indentity. He's got a lot of unique mannerisms that his family could quickly pick up on, there's also his voice, although muffled by the mask, if it's recorded enough- it's another identifier.

So that leaves Ben with his sticker trail. They're very bright, almost blinding, so Ben's stickers are an annoying inconvenience. He could also use a weak spell that causes it's victims to yawn/sneeze. Maybe he'll hang in the background briefly and wave. Just some of things he does to get under Harangue's skin basically.

Gwen:

So, you picked up on what I've hinted at. Good.

Before I go into Gwen, I'll say this: The plumbers are stationed on Earth to protect humanity. That means the aliens who have immigrated are less of a priority. That doesn't mean that they're completely unsafe, the plumbers still patrol Undertown and look after the people- just less so.

Aliens that leave Undertown especially- Normally they're ushered back by a few Plumbers standing guard- those that pose a threat or seem to pose a threat are dealt with by the plumbers. Which isn't too bad, just a slap on the back, a fine, maybe jail time.

Unless you run into Gwen. Who is much more intimidating, much more brutish, she won't exactly hold back. So- she hasn't got the best rep with Undertown. She's still a hero. Known throughout the universe. Just not a kind one.

On several occassions, Ben(vigilante) has had to step in to get her to back down from dealing with criminals.

The plumbers don't have a lot to go on with the investigating. Ben doesn't leave any DNA trails, cause anodites have no DNA. No hair strands, no finger prints, no blood. Even his stickers. They got nothing, nada.

That doesn't mean it's completely hopeless. A clean hit to Ben has on more than one occasion shocked him out of his anodite form, reverting him back to human (which is why he has the glasses and face mask, as a just incase scenario.) Sometimes even spooking/shocking him can make him human again. If his focus is messed with he's human, kinda deal.

So the plumbers are aware of this. They do their best to be as violent and destructive when they see Ben. They're attempts usually fail unless they have someone competent enough with them, Ie; Gwen, Rook.

Villains are also aware of this. So risky buiz am I right?

In regards to Verdona; honestly, I feel like having her know about Ben's existence as an anodite would kinda nerf this whole thing completely. Verdona, I bet, would be a massive gossip. Although her contact with Max is limited, he'd hear about it eventually. Game over. There's also Sunny, who would take advantage of this information and spread it across the universe.

So instead maybe Verdona pays a visit later rather than now.

She'd also be less inclined to take Ben back home, I like how Verdona is indifferent to Ben but loves Gwen, I wanna keep that aspect.

To explain any magic happenings that his family or friends have spotted, he just says he's practicing to be an illusionist. Or he broke a glow stick, or his has glitter in his pocket. (He always has something retaining to magenta hidden up his sleeve.)

Hopefully that got all your questions answered for now!

[gloryofluv]

Order Up! (Coffee Shop AU) Chapter 10

Oh, Alex, you always find commonality in kindred spirits! The broken tend to look for each other, don't they? (picture brought you by my awesome brain fucking around with filter on a stock photo)

Previous Chapter

Alex was standing outside on her break on the phone and nearly growling as she stood by her car. Of all the frustrating, stupid fucking things. She rolled her neck. This was truly ridiculous. Routine. That’s all she wanted. Applicable routine!

The call came off hold. “Miss, I just spoke to the doctor. She said unless you schedule an appointment, we can’t refill your medication.”

“What do you mean? I’ve been taking these for years?” Alex snapped and shifted her hips. “Why? This is the first time I’ve had to come in. She knows how I feel about doctor’s offices. We’ve always done tele appointments when it’s needed.”

“Miss, I’m sorry, but you haven’t had a physical in several years, and our policies are changing. We have to be sure everything is working together well. I’m sure you’ve received your email or letter,” the receptionist told her.

“Ok, but I’m out of it this weekend. I have severe ADHD. It’s in my file. Can’t she fill it for just the weekend? I have tons of things to do, and I doubt you make evening appointments,” Alex breathed and rolled her neck. This wasn’t what she liked. She definitely didn’t like someone poking at her and saying what was wrong with her.

“We have an appointment available at three tomorrow if that’s late enough,” the receptionist declared.

“Do you have a Friday morning available?” Alex questioned while tightening her jaw.

“No, we have a two o’clock on Friday,” She responded.

“Okay, do you have a morning appointment tomorrow?” she asked while running her fingers on her driver’s door. Alex was bouncing on her feet and swishing her hips. She despised this.

“The earliest we have is ten o’clock.”

Alex breathed and rocked her head. “That works. Does she need me to fast so we can do blood work?”

“Yes, that would be best. She’ll want to do a full workup. We can schedule a pap at the time if you like.”

Alex grimaced and breathed. “Yes, fine. Whatever it takes not to have to come in for a while.”

“I understand completely, Miss. I don’t know anyone who likes clinical visits,” the receptionist giggled.

Alex smiled and rocked her head. “Okay, tomorrow at ten. Got it. Should I bring in my other medication?”

“Ah, yes, please. It will make the visit swifter.”

“Thank you so much. I apologize for my frustration,” Alex murmured.

“Of course, we shall see you tomorrow.”

Alex hung up and rolled her neck again. “I hate this. Ridiculous unneeded shit.”

“I never liked doctor visits myself.”

Alex pivoted and blushed. Diavolo was standing there smoking some sort of vaporizer. “Hello, Diavolo. How are you today?”

Daddy Diavolo was in a pinstripe suit and looking sharp. What? Dammit, Jordan and his wicked nicknames for people. Alex licked her lips and ran her thumb over her fingernails.

He puffed and smiled while the cloud left his lips. “I’m doing pretty well. Barbatos went to snag us drinks while we were in the area. Business prattle irritates me occasionally. I needed to see a friendly face.”

Alex relaxed against her car and smiled. “That’s great that you at least are getting a caffeine bump. I have a few more minutes on my break if you want to chat.”

He tilted his head and shifted on his frame. “Lucifer told me you were going to rent a room from him. I think that’s fabulous.”

The pillow talk between them must be oddly stiff. Oh, god. What the fuck was wrong with her today. Alex had to shake off the image and rubbed the side of her neck. “Yes, it makes sense. I’m going to buy Jordan’s family home for them. I’ll find someplace to rent after the sale. It’s all in the works. Thank you for the stellar recommendation for the agent.”

Diavolo took the device to his mouth as he smiled and the vapor poured from his nose. “You’re welcome, but it’s quite deserving. That’s quite intelligent and loyal. Oh, what did the ocean say to the beach?”

Alex’s smile grew. “What did it say?”

“Nothing,” Diavolo snorted and then smiled. “It just waved,” he chuckled and waved his free hand before sliding it in his pocket.

Alex giggled and shook her head. “That’s ridiculously good.”

Diavolo laughed and nodded. “I thought so too! How do you feel about traveling?”

Alex shrugged her shoulders. “I always wanted to, but I didn’t get the chance when my parents died.”

“I, unfortunately, can’t say the same,” Diavolo shook his head. “When my father died, I visited three different countries to meet the regional operators in a week. I didn’t go very many places when I was younger because he was always working or traveling for business. However, I understand his plight now. Sometimes I just want to be home.”

“I’m sorry about your father,” Alex nodded.

Diavolo smirked and stepped toward her. “I know how you feel about your medication. It’s funny how one little pill eases the worst symptoms, huh? Science. Who would have thought?” he laughed.

“Yeah,” Alex puffed and shook her head. “I’d be more of a mess without it. I think I do alright now, though my doctor keeps telling me I need to see a therapist.”

He gestured to her. “Do you suffer from insomnia as well? What about stimming?”

Alex laughed and nodded. “I often play with my apron at work. At home, I mess with my hair more. I have plenty of object blindness, so that kind of helps living with all my parents’ things.”

“Masking?” Diavolo questioned.

Alex rocked her head. “All the time. Jordan calls it my alter ego. He thinks it’s some sort of superpower that I perfected with his encouragement.”

“I have a selection of 8D music I’ll send you for focus,” Diavolo nodded. “If you have any recommendations, I’m open to seeing. I’m always trying to explore new avenues.”

“That’s the dopamine search,” Alex laughed and nodded.

Diavolo let out a stream of laughter and rocked his head. “Yes, it certainly is, isn’t it, Alex.”

Alex checked her phone and breathed. “I have to go back inside.”

Diavolo gasped and held up his finger. “Here, I’ve been meaning to give this to you.” He dug in his breast pocket and handed her a small pin of a red devil smirking. “I’ve noticed you wear them on your hat, and I quite like that. My contribution,” Diavolo nodded.

She beamed and pressed her fist to her chest as she held it. “Thank you, Diavolo.”

“I will be texting you later when we’ll schedule our little date for your dress if that’s alright. If you want, I can email you instead of for formality,” He said while tilting his head.

“Text is fine. I just hate talking on the phone,” Alex giggled.

“Me too,” Diavolo groaned and grinned.

Alex laughed and shrugged. “I suppose we all have our mountains to climb.”

“Indeed. Enjoy the rest of your day, Alex. You added a bit of pep in my step.”

“Same, thank you,” she beamed and bowed her head before walking toward the cafe.

Well, you learn something every day. Diavolo, CEO and superpower in the world had ADHD? Well, that explains the goofy persona. That actually made Alex feel ten times better. She passed Barbatos and waved. He nodded at her with a small smile, and she skipped behind the counter.

Jordan arched his eyebrow as she snatched up her apron. “What did Daddy want today?”

Alex glanced out at him, taking another puff before meeting Barbatos in the parking lot with a bouncy stride. “To chat,” she settled with as she washed her hand at the sink.

“Interesting,” Jordan hummed.

Alex pocketed the pin and nodded. “Completely.”

“And did Daddy give you something special?” Jordan teased with an arched eyebrow.

“Can you stop with this? It’s really screwing me up, J,” Alex puffed with red cheeks. “I swear it. I’m going to accidentally call him that, and then I’ll be fired for sure.”

“Or taken to dinner,” Jordan laughed and shook his head. “Okay, okay, I’ll stop, for now. When are you moving in with the crazy terrors of the seven plagues?”

“This weekend,” Alex expressed as she went to the pastry case and began organizing what was in there with tongs. “Hey, Jordan, I have a weird question.”

“Shoot, babe,” he said while changing out the coffee and brewing a fresh batch.

“Do you think it’s weird for me not to date?”

“Yes, hun, I do, but don’t listen to Asmo. He’s surface energy until you get to know him. Any progress with Mr. Black Coffee?” Jordan asked.

Alex exhaled and shook her head. “I recently found out he’s unavailable.”

“Oh, that is a pity,” Jordan scrunched his nose. “I was really rooting for that. He seemed so into you.”

She shrugged her shoulders and smiled over at him. “I wasn’t that invested in it.”

“How about Sugar-free Vanilla?” Jordan asked with an arched eyebrow.

“I shouldn’t engage in any sort of drinks that I’m going to be in proximity to anyway,” Alex voiced as she set out more scones in the case.

“I suppose,” Jordan laughed as he leaned on the counter. “Oh, looky here. Here comes trouble . Sin never looked so tasty. If that boy were ever into experimenting, I’d be there in a hot second for that meal.”

Alex glanced at the door to see Beelzebub climb out of his car and pull on his shirt while Belphegor and Mammon soon joined. They all threw on shirts, and Alex had to scowl at that. What the hell did they do that they were shirtless?

The trio walked into the cafe, sweat still beading on their faces. Alex moved to her register and beamed. “Hey, boys. What have you been up to?”

Beel grinned as he wiped his forehead with his arm. “Alex, we have something exciting to tell you.”

“Yeah, but let me!” Mammon puffed and rolled his neck. “Ya, see, it was my idea, so I get to tell ya how great I am!”

“Okay, I’m listening,” Alex nodded.

“We broke into your house and cleaned out your backyard,” Belphegor snorted.

Mammon growled and shoved him. “I wanted to tell her. Why ya gotta be such a dick?”

“Oops,” Belphie smirked.

“But we found something,” Beel added.

“Yeah, we did,” Mammon snapped. “I did. I found it.”

“And then you tried to pocket it for money,” Belphie rolled his eyes.

“I did not!” Mammon huffed.

“Okay, guys, calm down. What did you find as you did your weird B&E? I’m not going to even go into how many people would be asking for you to break in and do the same.” Alex laughed as she shifted on her feet.

Beel dug in his jeans and produced a necklace with wings in the shape of a heart and a topaz. It was delicate, small, and a little dirty. “Oh!” Alex gasped. “That was my grandma’s from when she was little. Where was it?”

“In a tin box in the shed. It looks like someone put it in there to do yard work,” Belphie shrugged.

Beel offered it to Alex, and she beamed. “Thanks, you guys. My mom used to garden and must have set it in there when she had to turn the soil.”

“So, uh, that’s like really important,” Mammon hummed as he fixed his glasses. “Which means we did ya good.”

“Yes,” Alex beamed and placed the necklace in her pants pocket.

“So, we’re gonna wait for you,” Mammon smirked as he crossed his arms over his chest in a lean.

She shrugged and leaned on the POS screen. “How about all of you get a refreshing drink, and I’ll be done in just over an hour.”

They all were nodding, and she imputed their orders. She enjoyed their little bickering back and forth before they sat down with food and drinks. Jordan approached and leaned on her shoulder. “Doesn’t hurt to have weird friends, does it?” He whispered.

“No, I’m starting to see that,” she beamed as she glanced at him.

“Babe, I’ll never leave you, but I just want you to be loved, okay? You deserve it. I did plenty of checking when I hung out with Leviathan. They’re good guys.”

“I see that,” she voiced. “Thank you for being my misfit brother, Jordan.”

“Of course, Alex. You’re my little sister. Always,” He chuckled and kissed her hat before walking back over to the espresso machines.

@rsmrymnt-tea@otome-scribbles

[anxietysroomsupport]

Hypermobile anon here. First, thank you so much. It's just nice to know there's someone here for me. And to give a little more info, I have a serious problem where if I'm not currently in pain. I don't remember how bad it was. I know everybody does this, but my brain literally checked out as I was going to bed recently and I fell on the floor. I nearly forgot to tell my physical therapist.about it because it didn't really hurt. So, I can't do the pain scale very well, and I never remember (1/2)

(2/2) It just makes it sort of hard for pain relief when I don't know I'm going to need it and don't have the energy when I do. Also, on the vitamin subject, I know that I've had vitamin d issues before (bad heat exhaustion and allergy scares = going outside less), bad enough that I was close to being diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I'm not sure about the others, but I do know I'm not amazing healthy, so? I take calcium pills for the vitamin d, though. Again, thank you guys for all your help.

.

We just got a bill from my PT place that says we owe money that we can't pay. They told us up front how much it would be with our insurance, and my mom's been paying each time, but it says we owe 177 dollars. Sure, it's not a lot, but we're not rich and trying to send a sibling to college. If we can't get this sorted out. I can't just not go. 10 exercises I can do at home and 5 appointments is not enough to help a chronic disorder. I cant focus and I have practice in 30 mins. -Hypermobility anon

Same day but later when I'm feeling a little better (my director was very supportive though so that's nice), I'd seen the letter and heard my parents talking a bit, but my mom told be as we got to school for rehearsal about PT. I got upset, and I felt bad because I could tell she felt bad because she didn't expect me to be upset, and in the heat of the moment I said "chronic illness" in front of my mom for the first time. She loudly (not quite yelling) (1/?) - Hypermobility anon

said to me "That is the most self-pitying thing I've ever heard. Chronic illnesses are like cancer". Sure, I probably should've said disorder and not illness, but I'm scientifically right. Then I said "It is, it's chronic pain, I am always in pain" and she said "Well then clearly PT isn't helping anyway" - I??? When I went in after 15 minutes after another girl, since we were both there for an hour and a half, I decided to stop trying too much to hide my crying (useful masks) (2/?) -HSD anon

since the other girl was in the hall to eat, and when I managed to explain to the director, she was understanding and nice, and when I said chronic, she said that I should never have to live with that, especially at my age. And when I mentioned not being able to sing at that moment from my crying, she pointed out how I was singing an empowering song that was about standing against the bad stuff in life, and I was perfect for it. I know my mom was just mad, but it just drained me.

Sorry I keep sending asks so often, I just feel like telling someone this. I decided to put 'zebra' in my bio. It's a thing that people with EDS and HSD sometimes like to call themselves. I like it, so even though I just have my name and pronouns, plus a random joke, in my bio, I added it. It just feels like a step in the right direction to remembering that I don't need google to tell me I'm dealing with this every 5 minutes. Accepting it, I guess. :) -HSD anon

.

My sleep schedule just keeps getting worse and I think it's my ADHD combined busy days and pain but I just never want to sleep anymore. I can't, I don't want to, and it hurts physically and mentally to just lie there and see if I can fall asleep. 80% sure my circadian rhythm changed to sleep at about 2 am but I get up at 7 and have a chronic disorder that's getting worse because of this I *need sleep*. And I'm so scared I'll mess up, want to make a side blog for it but want to make one (1/2)

for something happy first because I always figured that if I had side blogs they would be ask blogs or for fandoms or whatever. But I got a little better at not caring what other people think, so I haven't really needed one for fandom. But I looked through the tag and felt so comforted by some of the stuff that I just think it would help me. Maybe I'm just extra bad tonight because I went outside but also talked about it a fair amount with a friend I hadn't seen recently who didn't know. -HSD

.

I wanna talk to my physical therapist about hip braces because I tried a knee one we have and it honestly helps, but my hips are worst so I wanna see if it would help, but they're pretty expensive. It's hard to find dual hip braces, from what I've seen in my research, and even though one more than the other, both cause me issues. Idk, I'm conflicted, because it could help but is it worth all the effort? Also, even if it's under clothing it's still physical evidence (1/2) -HSD anon

(2/2) of my "invisible" disorder. Also, stopping exercises for a few days because of not feeling well from my covid shot reminded me of just how much time I spend on them, so it's another thing to deal with this. . . Idk, sometimes I just wonder if it would be better to just deal with it. I still have pain anyway, though it might be a little better. Less often, maybe? I don't really remember. It's not stressing at the front of my mind all the time, but the back of it. I'm just conflicted. -HSD

.

HSD anon here, idk if I mentioned it in an ask already, but recently I had a small breakdown because I was watching something where a character was in a car accident, as was trying to push through having trouble walking even with a hip brace. After a minute, I registered it and just thought "That could be my future". My joints had already been acting up and then they got worse, so I don't know if it was cause and effect? But I don't exactly know what to call it other than a trigger. (1/2)

Physical and emotional effect, at least I'm assuming on physical because I've had a bad reaction to something similar before, but like, I don't have trauma, I think it's more fear of the future. And I don't want to use trigger incorrectly, it's insensitive to those who actually have triggers. I'm just so confused.

Forgot to sign the last ask with 2/2 and HSD, whoops.

.

Hfnsiwk I'm not ready to walk into PT tomorrow and say that I don't think months of PT have been helping but I have no way to be completely sure because for all I know it's the weather since this is the first year I've known/it's been noticeable. Maybe it's just change, I don't know, but it just feels like such a waste of time if it really didn't help. Plus, I'd stop, and while that'd be great, I do enjoy being stronger, even if it didn't help pain. I have 12 hours and a bad pain day idek. -HSD

.

Hi Hypermobility Anon,

I think I found all your asks and got them in the correct order.  And found your last ask!

I’m so glad you kept writing in.  I think you should go ahead and make your side blog - you definitely have enough material for it.  Wanting to make a happy side blog also is a great goal to have, but if you don’t know what it will be yet, don’t let that prevent you from doing something you know you want to do and that will probably help you.  

You are dealing with So. Much.  Your mom especially sounds like she just is not ready to accept the situation.  It’s not self-pity to state your actual conditions.  It’s just reality.  

Forgetting about pain is normal, and really all you can do is try to write it down or make some kind of note about it in the moment or immediately after, so you can refer to it later.  Maybe you can track your pain events in your phone notes.

I think your idea to add “zebra” to your bio is a good one, this is part of your life and just something you have to deal with.  It sounds like you’re finding a community for this.  

Sleep schedules are tricky, and feeling like you desperately need to sleep can make it so stressful that it starts a vicious little cycle.  Some strategies to get around this are First, remember that just resting is okay and helpful too, even if you don’t fall asleep.  Letting your body lay there to rest is good for you.  

Second, if you’ve spent several minutes laying down without falling asleep, its okay to get up and walk around, or any small light exercise that’s comfortable for you.  The goal with this one is to get out of the bed for a bit.  It will help your brain to re-learn that the bed is for sleeping only, not for laying awake.  That association can help signal to your brain to start its sleep-process when you get into bed at night.

Third, it’s really common to have a changing circadian rhythm during your teens and twenties.  That’s just a thing that happens and you can’t do much about it, so just try not to worry too much.  Sleep when it feels right and when you can, instead of trying to force yourself to sleep when you’re “supposed” to.  

If hip braces would help you, you should definitely at least mention it to your physical therapist.  You might research online for any used ones as well.  A physical sign that you have pain can have good and bad consequences, but I think the good consequence of being in less pain far outweighs any others.

The triggering event you described is not so much a trigger as it is just a genuinely really upsetting situation.  You related really strongly to the character you were watching, because they’re dealing with similar problems to you, and to problems you could have in the future.  It’s a lot to process.  But while you could potentially be in a car accident, remember that television is made to dramatize events and probably made it seem a lot more difficult and scary than it really would be.   

Since we know you sometimes forget your pain, it’s safe to say that the exercises are helping you manage it, and you say that they’ve made you stronger in general.  Those are good things, and I would recommend you continue the exercises you can do on your own even if you end of ending  your physical therapy sessions.  We don’t know yet if your pain might have gotten even worse without therapy.  You’ll have to find that out on your own if you stop exercising, and then decide whether it’s more worth it to you to continue exercising or to live with the pain.  Whichever you choose, it’s Your choice, Your body.  Take care of yourself. <3

-bun

[i-need-air]

Meeting small Hawks.

Pairing: Hawks x Reader.

Summary: HCs about what would happen if you're sent in the past (thanks to a villain quirk) with Hawks and meet tiny Hawks.

Notes: Love the "Their kid came from the future because of this quirk thingy and now they meet their daddas" so I thought what would it be if we reversed it. Hope you enjoy! ♥

× you coincidentally ran into each other (which happened often) when you were both patrolling

× he's always so smug and flirty with you but today he was extra about it

× like holy shit this man knows how to compliment but whatever, no big deal

× the thing is you're just at the point where you kinda lowkey are realizing you have feelings for this smug idiot but you're also kinda denying it because Hawks screams trouble, also you don't trust him; does he flirt like this with anyone??? why is he teasing you so much????? he's too hot to be real???????

× he was praising you because you reached Top 20s when someone screamed for help

× a young kid recognized you both and told you that there's a robbery he escaped from, explaining there are some guys at a jewelry store near-by so y'all just rush there

× well you kinda fell behind cuz he's like already in front of the store talking to the masked robbers like they're just chatting about the weather, although he was just negotiating and telling them casually to let the employees and the civilians inside the store out

× so when he sees you tho, he winks at you and in a blink the robbers were on the ground

× so you just alright then fucking show off 😒 because he waited for you to see him be a little shit

× so while everything is settling, you both going inside the store to check on everyone, he twists his head fastly towards you then rushes to your frame, grabbing you while you turn just in time to see another masked robber (seems he was hiding) that was about to touch your shoulder. although Hawks pulled you to him just in time, so he was barely tapped on the cheek instead of you

× and then you see white

× so when you can finally see again around you, a sensation of dizziness running through your body, you notice Hawks hugging you like really, really tight

× also... did the villain teleport you? both of you were in what seemed a random office building or sumthn

× he brushes it off but you can see that he's worried because y'all fucked up man

× he's scolding himself, he should've paid more attention but you were there, existing, so stunning and the way you rolled your eyes at him? gorgeous, like pls do it again he's a simp for u & now he's paying the price for it like boy–

× anywho! he looked around and sent some feathers to just map the place while you were trying to figure out wth was going on

× meanwhile Hawks was just noticing stuff; he knew these halls, he knew that three doors from there, he'd take Hero History class, he knew the floor below them was a training ground, he knew the door just behind them was where he–

× so you were confusion to say at least, looking at the plain white walls, searching for something, anything actually

× doors had signs on them but very vague, like that one door with the letter K on it, the others labeled C1, C2 and C3, everything spotless and dead looking

× "Sorry, dove, hate to interrupt that cute and intense thinking face of yours but we have to bolt" he said, pointing at the cameras

× so y'all just hide, you thinking without purpose but he was actually leading you somewhere, that somewhere being a floor below

× "we've been seen here and we shouldn't be" or more likely this place should have been destroyed years ago he thought but dreaded the thought of the Commission finding another kid like him

× you question where you're going but he just smirks at you

× there's no people anyway but you avoid places where cameras are pointing at so it makes you feel suspish, but you trust #2 Hero's judgment; he was #2 for a reason, right?

× you reach a door with a sign saying Surveillance and you ooooooooh real smooth for a second, big bird brain there

× and he has no difficulty unlocking it with two of his feathers (him winking at you again, show off pt. 2)

× you're basically ordered to look-out mainly cuz he didn't want you to catch a glimpse at the cameras; if the commission was doing this again, it should be Top Secret

× but what he doesn't fucking expect is to see you on the screen, legit full in the middle of the camera view (pls he cries inside why did u guys avoid all the cams–) and a tiny frame approaching you

× mainly same energy as And I OOP– plus moment of realization

× back to you: looking around super-sneaky until you hear a noise and you decide to explore around the corner but when you find nothing you turn around

× "Uhm, who are you?" you hear a tiny voice behind you and you jump in place because holy shit it was so quiet and now someone's there and you almost die of a heart attack

× turning around, ready to fight, you just find a tiny human being

× adorable human being with... weird similar eye-markings like Hawks and tiny, fluffy, adorable red wings

× you die in the spot cuz???????? adorable child cosplaying the guy you like?????????????? wait what? like? uhm bad brain bad

× so you just crouch down to his height and smile at the baby while he looks at you with big confused yellow eyes that are waaaaay too similar to Hawks'; and that freaks you out, did the mf have a love child or something because they're copy-paste

× "Are you my new teacher?" he asked again, small smile on his features and hnnnggg ♥

× but you shake your head, telling him you're just passing by

× he looks a lil disappointed but nods, fidgeting with the Endeavor in his hands, to which you laugh quietly

× "so you're a Hawks fan I see?"

× he blinks at you, golden eyes wide with confusion and he asks "who?" and u OOP–

× the kid knows who Endeavor is or at least has a plushie of him but is cosplaying as Hawks and never heard of him like??? unless??????? you calm yourself and chill because maybe he didn't know who Endeavor is and he thought it was a random toy and the cosplaying you had no actual excuse for but even worse when he just:

× "but I am a big fan of Endeavor, see?" he said, small excitement coming from him, toy still in his hands now raised in front of your vision, smol chubby hands hounding it safely but proudly

× hnnnngggg ♥ ♥

× "what's your name, little angel?" you ask him as you really try to connect the dots here

× "I'm Takami Keigo and I just moved here" he smiled at you so softly "I'm here to become a hero like Endeavor"

× you'd have to search for Hawks now because this was very, very suspicious but for now you just loved the little kid, deciding you wanted one (maybe you should snatch him 👀)

× and talking about your favorite winged hero, he was having a mental breakdown in the Surveillance room, no biggie; he figured it out while looking at the rooms on the screens, specially the training area, and then at his mini-self talking to you

× so he sends some feathers to you to drag you back to him discreetly

× nothing can be discreet with you because as you were telling smol Keigo that he's gonna be the best hero ever and so on, a feather tapped you on the back and you just screech cuz WHO DAT, you turn to see the feather and feel your soul coming back into your body

× but tiny Keigo sees it too and he's thrilled because look look i can do that too! but with smol feathers and your soul just departs from your person yet again

× because that ain't a cosplay

× that is Hawks.

× while you stop functioning as way-too-adorable-baby-Hawks uses his feathers lift the Endeavor toy to your hands, you just take it and stare

× "did you like it?" golden eyes shining proudly at you; hnnnggggg ♥️♥️♥️

× snapping out of it, you compliment him telling him he's the coolest while taking the toy from him and try to catch one of his feathers jokingly, making him do a cute giggle

× and Keigo, this time big boy Keigo is waiting behind the corner because he really doesn't want to be seen by himself? one feather waiting on the key set to delete all video footage, prepared to bolt the shit out of there yet... he was just waiting for something, not even knowing what himself

× yet he knew as you made mini-him (?) (he's still having an existencial crisis) laugh again his heart squeezes, but he doesn't have time to savor it anymore

× "Keigo, where did you go?" a male voice startled the 3 of you and you p a n i c™

× but not as much as big Hawks tho, he sends all his feathers to drag you away instantly

× the last image on smol baby Hawks is him being startled as he tried to reach for you as you were forcefully yanked away, a suited up man appearing, catching a glimpse of you for a second then alarms blowing everywhere

× Hawks had it all planned as he yanked you to his body, rushing towards an opened window, commanding his feather to delete the security footage and going back to him

× and when he jumped, you in his arms, you saw white again

× you both appear in the same location that you vanished from, just in the middle of the jewelry store as cops were walking around, secluding the zone

× Congrats, you gave the cops a frighten; good times 💕

× so you're in his arms (a g a i n but nobody's complaining 👀)

× and he just smiles down at you so tenderly you almost shiver in place, never seeing that face on him before and it makes you feel Things™, he just runs his hand on your shoulder blade as he wraps his wings closer to you two, cops just startled and confused but none of you cared

× you wanted to touch his cheek as you're finally embracing your feelings after what just happened

× you're looking at Takami Keigo

× so you move your hand and something falls out of your embrace, since y'all are high on adrenaline it spooks the f outta both

× looking at your side you see the Endeavor toy, a small, fluffy feather stuck in its small toy belt

× and you panic because yOu basically just fucking stole a toy from a little kid and you're about to tear up and he just looks at you with his brows raised cuz my boy wasn't expecting that

× "Hey, hey, it's okay" he says through a chuckle, stop being so adorable

× but no it's not okay? the smol baby loved Endeavor and you took the toy and you keep calling mini-keigo smol baby and Hawks' heart is playing heavy metal in his chest and he has this goofy stupid adorable smile on his face and

× he leans down to kiss you

× soft, sweet, he breathes you in yet keeps the smile on his lips

× "Mini-me didn't mind, I'm sure" (white lies, white lies)

× but you, all flustered, just panic again because AAAAA and you just give him the toy, telling him you're some years later but it's his to which he sees ✨ ✨ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ✨ ✨ in his mind around you while you ramble and talk and blush and oh god he loves you– wait what.

× "Well, little dove, I think I have some explaining to do" he whispered above your lips, taking in your flushed face (was living for the moment ngl) "How about we talk about it while we grab lunch? Hmm?"

× "I'd like that, Hawks."

× "Oh, when we're alone, you know what to call me." he whispered in your ear then turned to the police officers that just witnessed everything...

× wait, is that a crowd of people outside with their phones out?

× oh fu–

Look at this smol babey! LOOK!

Art is made by the amazing @kadeart, I'm surprised I found out about them just now, they're amazingly talented. Check out all their stuff!

[sleepingcrisis]

Teamwork

@like-a-festival

*****

"Okay so here is the plan —"

"Question!"

"What is it Reki?" Miya asked having to pause his elaborate explanation when the red head raised his hand.

"Why are we caring so much about this?"

"What do you mean?" Miya tilted his head in confusion, as if the thought had never crossed his mind.

They currently sat in Reki’s room. Langa with his head hanging off of the edge of the bed and Reki sitting on his knees on the bed while Miya paced the floor back and forth easily.

"It just seems like we should stay out of their issues. They will figure it out eventually," Reki explained.

"Will they?" Miya asked the hypothetical question but didn't wait for an answer, "They have known eachother for over ten years. They are getting old. You two managed to figure out your feelings within a year. These three have known eachother for —"

"Don't forget Tadashi," Langa piped up.

"Who?"

"Snake."

"Oh... well he and Adam can figure their stuff out, I have full faith in them. It is when you put Cherry, Joe, and Adam together that they only have two brain cells split among the three of them," Miya explained, "They have known eachother for over ten years and they haven't figured themselves out yet!"

"It still isn't our business —"

"When it effects us it becomes our business."

"How has it effected us?" Reki asked with an eye roll.

Miya cleared his throat, "The incident after the tournament, the incident during the tournament, the way they hog the track at S, the way Joe nearly crashed into you when trying to show off, the way Cherry has been nagging us more often when Adam is around, they argue constantly but not actually argue. You know what I mean?"

"No," Langa muttered and sat up. Maybe the blood rushing to his head was keeping him from thinking.

"They are flirting," Miya explained.

The other two didn't seem convinced.

"Okay fine. What flower does Adam bring to his opponents?" Miya asked.

"Roses," Langa explained like he was stupid.

"What did he bring Joe when they had their last beef?"

"That doesn't mean anything —"

"Sunflowers!" Miya cut Reki off. "He brings Joe sunflowers and Cherry gets —"

"Lilac or Cherry Blossoms," Langa answered.

"Precisely!"

"So what is the plan?" Langa asked and ignored the way Reki groaned.

***

The plan was simple enough even if Langa wasn't sure if it made sense.

It started with a bouquet of flowers that Langa convinced Shadow was for Reki... considering Reki and Miya were standing right beside him it probably wasn't very convincing.

Regardless they got the bouquet. Light pink flowers: liles, carnations, bleeding hearts, and more mixed in with a few bright yellow roses. As far as flowers go it looked really good.

Phase two of the plan was easy and went off without a hitch. They simply requested that Langa have a beef with Adam tonight.

He agreed enthusiastically as always.

"They haven't had a beef since the tournament," Reki pointed out as they were making their way there.

"Well they will tonight," Miya decided.

It was true. The three hogged the track on regular nights but never had an official beef again. Now that word was out that Langa was having a beef against Adam there was sure to be a crowd... they just had to hope all three of the actual competitors showed up.

"Hello my little snow bunny. Isn't it always such an honour to share this stage together?" Adam asked as he presented Langa with red roses as always.

"Sure," Langa said as he carefully took them with a small "thanks". He always accepted the roses even if he never knew what to do with them. "Uh Miya?" He glanced over to his friend.

They noticed Adam looked confused but the confusion morphed into an unreadable expression when Miya took the flowers from Reki and presented them to Adam.

"My little snow bunny! I'm honored. Truly —"

"They aren't from me," Langa explained quickly (his wallet said otherwise).

"Well then who are they—" Langa made a slight nodding motion to Cherry and Joe who were watching from their place above the crowds in the rocks. Langa watched as Adam’s eyes, hidden by his mask, made their way over.

From this distance Adam wasn’t able to see how confused the two looked.

"Sorry little Langa. You are going to have to find another dancing partner for tonight," Adam said before leaving... he left. That wasn't supposed to happen.

"Did he just drop out?" Joe asked.

"Adam doesn't drop out of races —"

"That is what he just did Kaoru," Joe fired back. He expected a swift kick, but when he glanced over the pink haired male was staring down at the start point with calculating eyes.

"They did something," Cherry said after a moment before he began to slid down the rocks before Joe could respond, it forced Joe to follow after him.

Cherry got within grabbing distance of Reki first which meant grabbing him by his yellow hoodie.

"Hey Cherry!" Nervousness laced Reki’s voice. He had been about to take Adam’s place for the beef so people still had something to watch.

"Don't give me that, beef is canceled for tonight boys," Cherry stated. "Joe grab the other two," Cherry tacked on. He let go of Reki briefly before grabbing his arm and continuing along.

"There is no way he can get both of those two," Reki scoffed. Ear grabbing simply wasn’t Joe’s style.

Reki was very wrong though when he glanced over in an attempt to ignore his pain when he heard, "let go you old man!"

Joe had Miya and Langa over his shoulders.

"Hold onto your boards or else they are getting left behind," Joe hummed as he kicked his own board along.

They were set down once outside of the gate and a flurry of cusses was thrown at Joe by Miya.

"So what happened?" Cherry asked when Miya was done.

"What do you mean?" Langa asked dumbly. It was hard to know if he was playing along or if he actually just didn't know.

"With Adam," Cherry clarified and rolled his eyes.

"Oh," Langa hummed and didn't elaborate since he felt that Miya should be the one to take the fall on this one. Apparently Reki thought so too but Miya glared at them in return.

"Fine," Reki grumbled, rubbing his sore ear. "Miya had the wonderful idea to buy Adam flowers," he explained.

"Okay and what else is there?" Joe added and tilted his head. "He has always liked being given flowers so that can't possible be it —"

"You didn't say they were from you three did you?" Cherry asked. His calculating eyes seeing through them immediately.

"Wait did you guys say they were from us?" Joe asked when he realized what Cherry meant.

"Uh... nooooo?" Miya hummed with a grin.

Cherry and Joe shared a look that morphed between concern and frustration.

"What is the big deal? People cancel beefs or drop out at the line —"

"Not Adam," Cherry cut Miya off and rubbed his face.

When realizing they had caused him, not just him... both of them, stress they felt the guilt come over.

"Sorry," Langa piped up first and was followed by two other apologetic mutters.

"It's fine," Joe spoke up quickly which earned him a glare from Cherry.

"It most definitely isn't fine —"

"It is fine," Joe insisted and sighed softly. "Let’s go get him," he muttered.

"You two know where he is?" Reki asked but Cherry looked just as confused.

"Yeah I have a hunch," Joe hummed.

"Oh wonderful, a hunch," Cherry grumbled but followed after him anyway since he had a similar guess about where Adam was.

"You three don't pull a stunt like that again!" Joe called as they took off on their boards.

"Well wrong equation but maybe the right solution?" Miya suggested and was met with a wack on the head from Reki.

***

"Told you we would find him here," Joe mentioned as he kicked his board up.

"Shut it," Cherry grumbled as they made their way over to the railing where Adam was. The last time they had all been here together didn’t end well to say the least.

All three were still in their skating outfits and Adam had that bouquet of flowers clutched in a hand over the railing with a frown on his face. When he heard the other two he plastered on an easy smile and turned over to them.

"The boys told me you got me flowers, how kind. Although do wait until we have a beef to gift flowers," he hummed and offered them back.

"We didn't buy them," Cherry mentioned, "I wouldn't but you a bouquet like that anyway."

"Oh—"

"I would buy you a magnolia," Cherry stated quite simply.

"Oh," Adam’s frown turned into something unreadable before he smiled slightly. A little more genuine, "only one?"

"Only one," Cherry confirmed.

"Well then you let yourself get outclassed Cherry. We both know you would get a bouquet of them," Joe scoffed and leaned back against the railing. He considered it for a moment, "Sweet peas."

"What?" Cherry tilted his head. He didn't know much about flowers. Had no reason to get them aside from occasionally for his office.

"Just know that they are nicer then magnolias," Joe hummed with a grin.

"Whatever," Cherry scoffed.

They both looked back to Adam and Cherry reached over to gently take Adam's mask off his face.

"What are you —"

"You showed up to the after party with your mask on yet you said that we were special when we were younger. So what is it going to be Adam?" Cherry asked using only his fingers to hold the mask in place. When he was met with no resistance he carefully took it off.

"You two are special," Adam insisted.

The two seemed skeptical to say the least. The glanced back to one another in silent communication, but they weren't good at regular communication nevermind silent.

"Do you love us?" Joe asked. It had Cherry making noises similar to that of a dieing fish.

"Yes," Adam didn’t hesitate.

Cherry felt his face heat up and the other two though he was flustered for a second, but it wasn’t that... it wasn't embarrassment either. Then his lip quivered and his eyes glossed over.

"You can't say shit like that and also say how boring I am while giving me a concussion!" He snapped. Anger was easier then breaking down, but breaking down followed his anger anyway. When he pressed his palms against his eyes and his chest tightened, Joe was by his side in an instant and had his arms around him as if to shield him from anymore pain. It was like Joe thought that he could protect Cherry — it was as if Kojiro thought he could protect Kaoru from the entire world.

"I —" Adam bit his lower lip in nervousness and looked at his two former best friends — his two lovers — in a way that could only be described as fear, "I wish I could take it back. I wish I could take it all back."

"Ainosuke," Kojiro urged since he could see that the words were on the tip of his tongue. Just waiting to spill out.

"I'm sorry Kaoru," Ainosuke whispered. He reached a hesitant hand over to touch his shoulder but pulled back when Kaoru lunged forward and pressed their lips together. The mask dropping from Kaoru’s hand and onto the pavement in the process.

It wasn't a very long kiss and when Kaoru pulled away Ainosuke realized he was still crying. He had tears running down his cheeks. Before Ainosuke could reach a hand up to clean them away Kojiro did it for him. Gently reaching over Kaoru’s shoulder from behind him and cleaning away his tears without even needing to see where they were. He had the tracks Kaoru’s tears ran memorized.

"You two are so special to me, and if I have to spend the rest of my life proving it to you both then I will. You both are worth every moment of it. Please let me prove it to you?"

"Okay," Kaoru and Kojiro both agreed.

When they left two things stayed: the bouquet of flowers, and Adam’s mask. Propped up against the railing.

***

The problem with someone like Ainosuke trying to prove that Kaoru and Kojiro were special again was that the two were competitive. They couldn't simply allow themselves to be spoilt.

So when Adam showed up with bouquets for them, they both brought flowers for him. And Joe was right. Kaoru couldn't just bring one.

"Wrong equation right solution," Miya pointed out as the three founders of S stood at the starting line, offering eachother flowers.

"Oh shut up, now we have to deal with this," Reki grumbled, "this is arguably worse." Despite his words he did allow himself a small smile.

"Arguably," Langa pointed out, "Should I get you flowers before beefs?"

"No!" Reki shot right back as his face warmed.

There wasn't really a point to it anyway. The three couldn't actually skateboard with flowers in their hands anyway. Instead of giving them to fans (like Joe normally did) they were dumped on the three younger boys.

"They are special," Cherry informed.

"Besides this is your fault," Joe tacked on.

"So hold these for us until we are done, thanks my little snow bunny, you to kitten and birdie!" Adam hummed all happily.

"'Kitten'?"

"'Birdie'?"

"Good luck you three!" Langa called before the lights changed from red to green and the three took off.

[the-coffee-story]

Coffee - The Plague Doctor's Revenge

Chapter 5 - Old Friends

It took around half an hour to stitch Doc back up. Coffee left halfway through to get himself something in the cafeteria.

"Alright," the nurse finally said. "Should be good for now. Come back in a few days for a check-up."

"Aye, aye." Doc nodded absentmindedly.

"And maybe at least try not to get into knifefights anymore!", she called when he'd already opened the door.

"I mean, it's not like I'm actively looking for knifefights to take part in...", Doc mumbled as he left the room. Walther snickered.

Five minutes later they were walking down the brightly lit white corridor. Walther picked an ant off their sleeve and gently put it on a potted plant on the white plastic windowsill. "Gah. I helped Tessa with her science project, ended up spilling pheromone solution over myself and became the sexiest ant in all of Great Britain."

An amused smirk was playing on Doc's lips. "And what did Tessa say to that?"

"Great, now I gotta compete against ants to win your heart." Walther laughed. "She's writing her finals soon. And then we'll... I dunno. Get a nice little cottage with a scarecrow in the garden and a pride flag in the living room."

"Sounds like a plan."

Walther laughed. "So you support my gay romance?"

"Why wouldn't I?" Doc scratched his wounded arm. "God. The stitches were unnecessary."

"If you'd waited a little more you would've been the proud owner of a new red shirt."

"What do you have against red shirts?"

"Nothing, as long as they're not soaking with blood."

Doc chuckled. He was about to say something in response when he was suddenly interrupted by a melodic voice coming from further down the corridor. "Maury, is that you?!"

They both turned around to see a fourty-something doctor...not quite running, but walking quickly down the corridor, surprise in her pale white face. Then her perfectly curved lips spread into a smile, revealing a row of pearly white teeth. "Oh my God, it really is you!!!"

She ran up to them and hugged Doc. "Great to see you again." Her melodic voice was muffled because her face was buried in his lab coat, but Walther could hear she had a Scottish accent.

He chuckled. "Calm down, Eugenia. Calm down. Actually, I go by Terence Tilch these days."

Walther frowned. "That explains why you knew so much about legal name changes-" Doc flushed red.

"Really?" The woman stepped back and tilted her head gracefully. "That's a shame, it was a pretty name. I named my firstborn after you." She looked up, her long black lashes fluttering like the wings of a butterfly. "You're even taller than I remember you."

"I am genuinely unsure whether that is an insult or not."

"It is a mere fact." Her quiet laugh could make anyone's heart melt.

"You know each other?", Walther asked.

"We used to work together." The woman flashed them a brilliant smile. "Oh, I forgot to introduce myself again. My bad." She held out her hand. "Eugenia Edicius. Leading surgeon."

Doc raised an eyebrow. "You got an upgrade."

"Indeed." She smirked. "You?"

"Depends on whether or not you consider cutting up corpses an upgrade. I certainly do."

"Aaand that didn't sound creepy at all." Eugenia turned to Walther. "And you are...?"

Walther smiled shyly. "Uh...Detective Welle Walther. His colleague and adoptive problem child."

Eugenia laughed. "Oh dear, looks like I missed a lot." She gracefully flicked her hair out of her face.

Everything about her was beautiful. Her eyes were the colour of moonbeams through leaves, with a few golden brown spots that made a nice contrast, and her hair as black as night, save for just a few silver strands. She almost looked like a nymph. Just her presence made Walther weirdly dizzy.

"How have you been?", Doc asked. His voice was warm.

"Oh, you know..." Eugenia sighed. "I married Wilhelm after you left and we had a beautiful boy..." Her eyes sparkled like frozen leaves.

"That's wonderful to hear! Does Wilhelm work here too?"

"...but then this year there was a fire in our house, and I... only managed to save our son. Wilhelm didn't make it."

"Oh." Doc's smile faded. "Oh, that's... I'm so sorry..."

Eugenia gave him a sad smile and shrugged her frail shoulders. "It's okay. I still have our son." She glanced up at Doc. "We named him Maurice, you know? To remember you after you disappeared."

"That's...whoa, that's so overwhelming-"

She laughed. Her laugh sounded like a bell.

"Dr. Edicius!", a nurse called from down the hall. "I know the Doctor is a charming fellow, but we have surgeries to make!"

"Oh. Right. Pardon me, Edith." She gave both of them a sweet smile. "I'll see you. Terry, I assume we'll meet here quite often from now on, isn't that so?"

He nodded. "You know me too well."

She waved and walked away.

"Something here seems very off," the Doctor said as soon as she had left. "And with that I'm not saying I don't trust her...wait, that's exactly what I'm saying."

Walther frowned. "I thought you know each other?"

"We do. But people change." He started walking towards the staircase and Walther had to jog in order to keep up with his pace. "You see, while we were stuck in the elevator Coffee actually told me something very interesting."

"And that would be?"

"We've got another masked vigilante in town. This time in a Plague Doctor mask."

"Jeez, are we in Gotham?" Walther laughed but stopped when they saw that Doc's face was serious. "And what about it?"

"Walther, how many guys with knee-long black curls do you know?"

They frowned. "None. What do you mean?"

"So, you could say, that is pretty rare."

"Correct."

"I knew...one. Eugenia's husband, Wilhelm Wisper."

"Oh." Walther's eyes widened. "Oh! Are you suggesting-"

"It all seems a little off, doesn't it? Wilhelm dies in a fire, Eugenia moves here, and just like that we have a masked stranger in Graytown who happens to have the same characteristics."

Walther nodded. "This stinks. So what are you planning to do?"

"I think I should investigate a little more. This whole thing seems rather suspicious."

"So where do we start?"

"I'll go back to where I came from and ask my family about Wilhelm's death."

[nico-idc]

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that.  Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently. 

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why. 

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now. 

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression. 

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory. 

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions. 

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”. 

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on  whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt. 

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first. 

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this