#Shaming

[creature-wizard]

Friendly reminder that shaming is not only ineffective, it tends to backfire in a big way.

[defire]

As an abuse survivor, you are just fetishizing child abuse. Plain and simple. Call it a coping mechanism or a power take-back all you want, but it's just an excuse to write porn about child abuse. I pity people like you, truly, I do. I can only pray that you eventually see a therapist about your internalized pedo behavior.

Cw: RANCID ask ⬆️

I'm so glad you brought this up because I don't like to speak for people like you--I'd rather combat these opinions directly.

Since you're praying, I'll feel free to make biblical allusions. (Tw)

First, the word "fetish". My opinion: I don't find fetishes or porn too helpful for processing trauma--it's more like exposure therapy. At some point you do need to actually grieve and process what happened. I don't judge those who do that (you're not hurting anybody♥️), but that's not what Survivor Fiction is for.

When you're judging whether something is bad or good, you can use the "tree by its fruits" concept. Basically, if a tree produces good fruit, it's a good tree. If it produces bad fruit, it's a diseased/bad tree.

So let's look at what Survivor Fiction does for survivors specifically.

It brings healing. I (a new author!) have already received five testimonies that have said how much my writing helped them move through some of their trauma and see things in a different, calmer way.

Survivor Fiction brings peace. A surprising amount of the community--90.5% in a poll involving 1,543 voters--use whump stories to go to sleep at night. (Many trauma survivors have difficulty sleeping from flashbacks. Fiction along the same lines can offer an appropriate sense of distance from the fear.)

It helps disabled people. It appears that a strong majority of our community is autistic. Part of the diagnosis is emotional dysregulation. We need to be walked through how to do things in great detail. Survivor Fiction often walks the reader through the process of trauma, reaction, ptsd, and recovery.

It spreads awareness. Survivor fiction is often more accurate to real-life abusive situations instead of glossing it over--in other words, LYING--about what goes on. This can bring a 3rd party perspective to a current victim too, giving them the understanding that they are being abused and need to escape if possible.

For a more thorough explanation of why fiction about survivors is good and necessary, see this post.

Okay, so would "bad fruit" look like? Do you see any of the following from our community? ↙️

Doing these things in real life

Being generally hurtful of others

Hurting children in real life

Harming emotions by pushing unwanted content to people who would be triggered by it? (Quite the opposite, we tend to post exhaustive content warnings before the content.)

Something else that's actually wrong and not just a thought crime?

And here's the fruit of your words, which I'm sure we all heard the jist of many times before:

You encourage covering up evil. Trying to hide fiction that more accurately describes pain, abuse, and PTSD means hiding the truth. Stifling the exposure of just how evil it is to abuse someone like this. The righteous walk in the light, but the wicked hide their deeds in the darkness.

Your words are shaming. Shame causes pain to fester and act out in harmful ways, such as repeating abuse cycles, self-harm, and dangerous overreactions. Christian ideology here--shame is what caused Adam and Eve to hide from God.

You are lying. You implied that we harm people in real life without any reason to think so. And also implied that we want to be in the aggressor's position. Generally speaking we identify most with the victim.

Referencing Christianity here, if you're christian--Your words condemn the Bible. The bible is full of stories much darker than most of what is written here. You'll read about rape, and the cannibalism of one's own children in Lamentations, among other things.

You're hurting yourself. You will be judged with the measure you judge others with. This is because if you judge others harshly for their thoughts, you'll instinctively judge yourself just as harshly. You end up hurting yourself and others over something that wasn't even doing any harm in the first place.

Causing confusion. What you said was illogical. If it's fiction where the damage occurs, we should be blaming the fictional aggressor--not the writer reporting it. If it's reality where the damage occurs, we should be blaming real criminals--not the journalist. The truth is that writing about survivors isn't generally harmful.

In short, you're creating a lot of problems and not helping. Did this ask come from a loving place?

This answer I'm giving, does.

[dvorrak]

One man’s shame is the same man’s kink.

[thegoldenavenger]

for femslash feb, sha hualing/liu mingyan (or liu mingyan/ning yinying if you prefer)?

i cannot decide how i want to draw sha hauling at ALL

[bitchesgetriches]

Hey bitches!

I have a bit of an odd question. So much financial advice out there is all about saving and investing, which is great, except... you're left feeling like spending any money at all except on what you absolutely need is frivolous and something to be ashamed of. I guess my question is how do you maintain a good relationship with money and good financial habits without falling into the trap of feeling guilty for buying things that make you happy, like a croissant on your walk or a dress you've had your eye on for months or on this hobby you adore? Isn't that part of a good relationship with money, knowing when it's OK to spend it aside from on the necessities? Because so many financial advice pages shame that kind of spending and advise cutting it out to save money, which yeah, if you're being irresponsible about it. But if it's within your means and it makes you happy, what's the harm such "silly" purchases now and then?

Child... we LOVE this question.

What you're describing is financial guilt, or a scarcity mentality. And it's something we write about a lot. Because OF COURSE you should use your money to brighten the dark hellscape that is daily life in our modern world. That's what it's FOR! But some folks don't know where to draw the line between "frivolous spending" and "an occasional treat to make life bearable."

So we've written some guidance here:

Buying the $7 Chocolate Bar

The Latte Factor, Poor Shaming, and Economic Compassion 

Ask the Bitches: How Can I Absolve Myself of Financial Guilt Over My Pricey PS4? 

If you found this helpful, join our Patreon!

[selectivechaos]

when was younger, people would say "you know in the real world, they're not just gonna let you not speak."

and the truth is: they really don't let me. no-one 've met is fully fine with it. everyone becomes frustrated or unnerved.

and yet, still can't speak. it's almost like my disability don't disappear as soon as you don't like it. it's almost like disabled people just get shunned and shunned and shunned, and are still fucking disabled. there is so so much shaming, which is why we need pride.

am almost bored of the shaming process now. darling, that's not how anyone ever grew, how anyone ever saved themselves, how anyone ever found a life of hope and peace.

🌹🌹

[dahtwitchi]

I was gonna continue one or another of my sketchbook scribbly tobiruka comics. But.

I cannot for the life of me find the sketchbook t.t <.> >.<

Anyone got a bright clue for me where it might be?? >.>

EDIT found it in the shipping box of the fantasy zine, where I temp tidied away everything I had used when trying my new art supplies. 'I'll just tidy up real quick to make presentable room' way too often leads to time-consuming having 0 clue where stuff was put later on <.> It ain't worth it. Ppl visiting for casual time can damn well deal with the piles of 'I know where it is when it's all over my space and I haven't really got a quick space for it where I'll actually know for later'.

Brain.

Try to remeber that ppl gotta conform when they visit your house culture, they only there for minutes to some hours, u gotta live for days and weeks and months and years on end and not spend an hour or two a day to try find things again x'D

(If they complain, especially relatives, the day I learned to say yeah no, if it makes it so uncomfortable to visit my home u rather complain or comment on it than spend that time with me and whatever housemates I got, then maybe for my sake and for your own mental health that clearly can't handle it u shouldn't step by.

Once the clean-shaming lessened, and I felt less anxiety over my messes. I. Actually had more time caring for my home instead of lamenting my householding skills. It wasn't as daunting. After a while I even was able to (within clear limits don't ducking touch my piles!! That has grown fewer over the years, too) accept help, from those who had unlearned their pattern of _ducking commenting on my home at every thing they came across while helping_.

Stop the household skill shaming! It just makes it worse! Shaming doesn't help overwhelmed people! I learn that from a psychology radio program where a group who specialisred in ppl unable to keep up with their home and hoarders, and encouraged u to set boundaries and realise how RUDE it is to comment on ppls homes, and anyone out there wanting to help messy home frienda and family to stop commenting if u actually had good intentions.

Changed my life, that randomly was on the radio program i listened to because it was on.)

[yourtoradorasextendedwarranty]

Some of you are far too comfortable being the worst people on earth to others. Or as Mike Tyson put it. Some of you clearly don't know what it's like to be punched in the face. The post I just reblogged was hard to watch. Not because I know this person. Not because I care about this person. Not because I watch them or am some "simp".

No. You are the same stupid fucks that bullied me as a kid/teen for liking anime, and saying stuff like, "Isn't anime that cartoon porn crap". No you ignorant shits. It's not. And I frankly don't care what you views are on or loli or shota. I'm an actual victim of child sexual abuse. And I hate that this platform has made me need to constantly remember that. But it's relevant to mention because ANIME AND MANGA IS FUCKING FICTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They do not look like real people 99% of the time, nor realistic in any way. You xenophobic fucks. And I'm not here to discuss if manga or anime can be gross. Because it can be. That's NOT the point. THEY. AREN'T. REAL!

I WAS. I AM. I WAS HARMED. If you care more about fictional content than real people, you need to step away from the internet. You need to step away from fiction. You need to step away from everything that's not HYPER normie from 20 years ago. Leave people alone. And I don't care how much you hate anime. Hate the Japanese. Hate animations. Whatever it is.

Fuck you. And I don't advocate for violence generally. I find it morally bad. But some of you? Desperately need to learn what it's like to be punched in the face for being awful. Lack of IRL consequences for being awful has become too common and watching it happen over the years because of bleeding heart people kills me on the inside. Violence is not something I want to ever condone. But clearly in a society where we have removed shaming and everything else for those not part of the puritan bubble, I see few other options to one clean shot to the jaw.

Because you'd all be cheering if this woman had killed herself. OVER BUYING A BOOK AS A JOKE! I was a real kid that got hurt. The content of a manga will likely NEVER result, and ISN'T likely the result of hurting real kids.

This is 100% new age "acceptable" bullying. And I won't stand for it. Discourse is one thing. This isn't that.

[nando161mando]

Fortune magazine shaming gen z for not purchasing diamonds mined by children or owned by oligarchs

[creature-wizard]

Hey folks, reminder that if someone asks you a question like "Hey can you tell me how to not do [bad thing]" and you respond with something like, "Imagine needing to ask how to not do [bad thing]!", that is shaming behavior. It's cruel and unnecessary, and all you're doing is giving this person psychological damage while discouraging them from asking questions in the future - some of which might be really important!

"But it's a really obvious question though!" you might be thinking. Yeah uh, speaking as an autistic person who was raised by fundie Christians who kept me ignorant on purpose, there is no such thing as a universally obvious question.

So literally don't do that shit. Consider the possibility that you are very likely dealing with someone who was either kept in the dark, or does not easily pick up on things and needs them clearly explained to them. If you don't allow for this possibility and behave accordingly, you functionally hate abuse survivors and mentally disabled people, and you are the asshole.

[dsauwishfulfillment]

If you've purposefully fucked up your fancy ass car to make the engine really loud and rattley I just want you to be aware we ALL know that you have never successfully pleasured another human being. Also no one wants to fucking hear your fucking loud ass car.

[sometimes-men-need-help-too]

The Dadvocate shared another partner shaming video (well, a compilation) and one in particular was one of the worsts, in my opinion

Usually these people partner shame for bad habits or something. This one was because of ornaments

The caption read:

When you want your tree to feel aesthetic but your husband also brought his childhood ornaments into the relationship

And she proceeded to show the ornaments he'd made himself. And the comments were just as sad. One saying that those belonged on his mom's tree, another saying that those belonged on the back of the tree, and another saying that he'd get his own little tree in the back of the house.

Oh, and one more of one woman saying that her ex mother in law had been 'way more angry about me not knowing where all those HEINOUS ornaments were after the divorce hahaha.'

[hezigler]

”self-hating jews” a sign of cult mentality is shaming people who disagree

Could you complete your statement and make it into a comprehensible question?

(Seriously, I'm a medical cannabis patient and very stoner friendly. I don't care much about capitalization, but I really need punctuation. Good spelling helps, but truth be told, I'm barely ambulatory in written English without a good spelling checker.)

[unwelcome-ozian]

[fulltum]

How would you punish and/or tease your pet tiny for being a fat piggy? Or a tiny you found with their tummy packed full of stolen food, helplessly stuck and unable to escape you? Tell me here for a free drabble~