#SO oh my goodness yes ok that works
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illegiblehandwriting1 · 1 year ago
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GOOD MORNING Y'ALL i woke up at o'dark thirty, got caffeinated, spent a few hours reading and now i am ready to make Sky's life a living hell :D cuz today is WRITING DAY even if i don't feel like it i gotta start, gotta go down the rabbit hole and get in the zone, gotta make some BIG DECISIONS cuz how the fuck do i want this to go lmao
worst part is that i think i know how i want ch17 to end but just the general gist of it, not the actual details but we'll figure it out!
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daisybell-on-a-carousel · 1 month ago
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Being someone who read Under The Red Hood and came out with the firm belief that, for Jason, it's not about killing Joker, it's about Jason wanting proof Batman would choose him over the Joker (bc shelia chose the joker). Makes seeing any other media where it's all about just wanting the Joker dead is a teeny bit frustrating. to be honest
Jason could've killed the Joker himself, really, really easily. Jason kidnaps the Joker before the confrontation. I can't open my comic for a reference right now, but it felt like he had the Joker for quite a bit before the confrontation. He had him. He beat him up with a crowbar. He had every single opportunity to kill the Joker himself, but he didn't because that wasn't his goal. Make no mistake, he did plan for the Joker to be dead by the end of it, but do you see what im trying to say here
Edit: If I knew this post was gonna get 1000+ notes I would've tried to word it better or something, this was a rant I made on the way to the grocery store 😭
It's not about making Batman kill either. When Batman says he won't kill, Jason adjusts and goes, 'Let ME kill the Joker or kill me to stop me' instead. The test is all about Batman choosing him. The whole final confrontation is Jason's first death again. The parent, The Joker, and the explosives. It even ends with Jason unable to move as a bomb goes off right next to him again because the parent didn't choose Jason. And instead tried finding an option that'd benefit them and (consequencely) letting the Joker walk, again, lol, lmao <-in agony
#the final confrontation was basically his first death again#and YES he Does want the Joker dead#and it would've been really really nice if Batman was the one who did it#but when batman made it clear he wouldn't kill the joker. Jason easily switched to saying “LET me kill the joker” to accommodate#because he Wanted batman to pass his test#he gave a test to dick too. and technically tim but it wasnt the family test it was a different one so it doesnt rly count#AFTER utrh and the reveal and the batarang you can go hog wild about it. i care less about it then#granted i do believe they make jason more scared of the joker after it at some point#i guess because hes a bit too willing to kill the joker and ive heard jason wasnt meant to live after utrh#my watsonian explain for that is he was so fixated on his plan he cpuld override his fear. or maybe the pit. either work#i prefer the fixation bc i dont like the explanation that the pit was the /only/ reason he could get all plan together and done#BUT THATS UNRELATED!!!#dc stop putting the joker in jason stories im begging you please please please. lock him in a vault for the next 20 years or something#it Cpuld be good and i understand. but also. after so long of people that dont know or go for jasons need for family and parents#that love him and he can trust#the joker starts to feel like?? hm. words. a cop out? oh haha its that guy that killed him woagh hes here#i bet you dont even know that jaybin got beat until unconsciousness by an angry mob#while asking batman to save him only for batman to have to walk away#anwya. where was i going with this#i think i got off topic#jason todd#dc comics#batman#ADDED AN EDIT. SORRY. this post has been haunting me it keeps me awake. what if people misunderstand#they cant read my tags where i ramble more depth. thisbis the only option#EDIT EDIT: hiii#removed the sentence abt jason having the joker for several days bc i misremembered some things#go read its-your-mind 's addition instead also#ok no more i wont edit this post anymore i promise
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jrueships · 7 months ago
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Paul George on Stephen A. Smith’s Kawhi Leonard jab: “I didn’t like that moment… Kawhi wants to play… We exhausted a lot out of Kawhi this season. So at some point your body breaks you down… I didn’t appreciate that moment. I know I laughed because the situation was lighthearted, but deep down it was like you gotta let that go, Stephen A.”
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Paul George, knight in shining armor
#HE DOES . u know. defend his girlbosses#as a good malewife husband soes#but like... he'll defend them.. five days after the fact#like hes just zoned out during the actual time of necessary defense#thinking about what new gaming chair to buy for himself whilst squinting harshly#i think tauruses and caps get shoehorned into being hashtag Daddies hashtag when it comes to personalities#like yes theyre grounded but that also means they like to duck into their little safety hovels sometimes#if a taurus is in an uncomfortable place/position.. they will often just smile& think abt how much they miss their regular place of comfort#until the moment passes#'oh but theyre so stubborn and loyal! theyll stand up for anyone! all the time!' stubbornness can ironically flucuate#theyre still showing stubbornness! just to the fact that they wanna go home. and they need this moment to pass#and if they bring something up rn.. it will not pass rn#this kind of thinking does not always bode well with fire signs#as much as i love to bully paul .. seeing others do it just isnt the same.. it does not come from a place of love in the end !!#'hes always been a coward-- too afraid to step up and be the bad guy. do the dirty work' no girl hes just a bit stupid#hes literally excitedly told reporters that hes soooo hyped up to try and be the rebound passer guy today#and then one game later hes like 'yea i kinda did too much.. that was.. not good 😔'#like he is doing the best in his mind! his doing bad is not out of bad intent! it's good intent and he is just failing miserably at it#LEAVE MY CRINGEFAIL MALEWIFE ALONE ‼️‼️‼️#MY CANCELLED GIRLFAILURE !!#he just wants to be a trophy husband to a terrifying strange and unusual mystery of a man like isnt that why we wrote dracula#is this not why creepypasta self insert y/n imagines exist on wattpad ?#paul george is just a y/n living in a spiteful world#LMFAOOO#hes so stupid i want to kill him but no one else can kill him but me ok#pg13 years old
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averlym · 1 year ago
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#adamandi#ambrose wellington bassford#infer as you will i suppose. wanted to draw a statue ambrose but accidentally painted it because smth smth blending fits him#again. main things taken from lyrics of the actual show ++ this definition i checked with google because i didn't remember it off the top#of my head. but Thoughts indeed#sfgdhhdf ok hello i am back today has been a Day (not very good) (oh well) (small mercies) ...#did not expect the melliot to find this so quickly but since i guess the Official Tumblr has reblogged it i'll just edit this one.#as opposed to reuploading. o//o#i painted it at 2am on impulse and have very little recollection of the whole event -? and then in a fit of pique added words and posted it#it is Very different from the original draft. i'd like to maybe do that one justice someday... anyways something something sometimes#a piece of art you make organically Evolves of its own volition... anyways.#maybe i'm projecting but recently (tuesday?) i found out something Important i had in the works Collapsed in the kiln#kaboom. ah the perils of ceramics. anyway thanks to the messed up 3d of everything i'm working on rn (the pros and cons of visual art subj#is that you get to make art for a grade) and. ceramics and sculpture and classics etcetera. <blinks> wow i really latched on to art aspects.#but nevertheless! ambrose brainrot real. iirc my thoughts were smth like. most strongly. that contrapposto? based on my school art history#was that it evolved from the very neutral rigid ancient greek sculptures of people which were all about Mathematical Symmetry. because#the main thing about contrapposto was that it reflected irl people more... more life-like? so it's very ironic to me#that Alive ambrose went and tried to turn himself into a statue. with part of the draw being contrapposto.. like?????#ah yes you like this sculpture because it's lifelike. and you'd rather be a sculpture than alive huh. the contrasts are !! in my head#also maybe i just.. wanted to paint... idk i had ambrose on the brain yesterday and it was something about sculptural messed up perfection#fun fact!!! the skin and hair i all greyed out to look like marble. fun fact number two: he has no eyes in this. like no pupils :3#fun fact number 3 (irrelevant) marble statues are only common wrt ancient greece bc the romans iirc came along and repurposed the bronzes.#because apparently bronze was a Hot Commodity at the time. and in return to preserve the art they made marble replicas. so most marble#ancient greek statues are apparently copies and the originals had totally different aesthetics#fun fact number 4: the background is a very greyed out image of my broken ceramics.. i wanted something nice to come out of it at least#fun fact number 5: i wanted to make him crack. like shattered ceramic or smth. that was the original idea. but instead it went to the pretty#sculpture route... kinda wanna make the messed up one though!!#fun fact number 6! because of Art Studio i'm covered in white paint and like it doesn't come off so it's been on my fingers and arms and#basically everywhere. so flesh turning into white stuff aes is fascinating i wanna explore... fun fact no.7.. i have accidentally maybe#began using screenshots as drawing practice. idk what to do with this info. if anything nice turns up ig i'll post it maybe
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autism-corner · 8 days ago
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man. women huh.
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best-enemies · 9 months ago
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I've reached season 5 on my CSI rewatch and I'm a few episodes past "Swap Meet", where a woman is murdered after attending a swing party with other couples from the neighbourhood. Near the end of the episode there's a moment that made me jump from my seat:
(Grissom walks up to Sara and takes the seat next to her. He's holding two cups. He hands her a cup of tea.)
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE]
Erin Brady: Everybody fantasizes about other people. (She glances at Grissom.)
Even you, Mr. Grissom. A neighbor, a friend ... girl at the office.
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY]
(The door opens. Paul Brady walks out of the hallway. Erin Brady walks out into the hallway. Sara is sitting in the hallway chair watching them. She watches as they meet and kiss.)
(Grissom walks up to Sara and takes the seat next to her. He's holding two culps. He hands her a cup of tea.)
LIKE!!!!!!!
Right after Erin ends her sentence with 'girl at the office', the first time Sara and Grissom meet again, he brings her tea. This might be an innocent interaction but to me it seemed like a nod to this relationship they have where both are into each other, know about the other's feelings, but can't/won't do anything about it (although Sara has kind of given Grissom an ultimatum). I don't know if it was intentional - I'm guessing it is, because I picked it up immediately. I might or might not have squealed in delight.
#csi#gsr#i'm very Normal about them btw i don't think about them 50 times per day or anything#need to talk more about these two here#because im obsessed about them in a Normal way#sara is like. my dream wife. i totally get grissom being in love with her for years and barely holding it together#i would not though#i'm 1000% sure she's bi. but the writers have been cowards so far#also she and i dress THE SAME. yes i love 2000s clothes so what#i could talk about her forever she's everything to me#and grissom. oh grissom. i also get why she's been in love with him forever#i mean what the FUCK went down in san francisco did they hook up and sex was so good it scared them#and now they have to live with that tension and they're scared of crossing that line#nah i'm guessing with these two they just REALLY clicked. like. they were an instant match and they knew it#but grissom didnt want to lose focus on work or whatever and they lived in separate states you know#but oh my god i totally get sara. grissom is such a silver fox. he's like one of the hottest old men i've ever seen in my life#you know what i 100% get tumblr sexualizing old men it's completely valid i'm in this now too#he has this LOOK. whenever he's angry at a suspect. and he looks angrily at them. i'm chewing on my keyboard just remembering it#and his smirks#AND THE WAY HE LOOKS AT SARA#im losing my mind#i love all of gil grissom but seasons 4-5 jesus fucking christ#ok enough with the sexualizing i love him as a character SO MUCH. he's absolutely fantastic#one of the things i love the most about him is that he doesn't judge people. whenever the team is confused about someone#or this persons' lifestyle#he's always trying to understand them and not judge them#like a true scientist he wants to understand the nature of things and people#and he's such a sweetheart i love him so much#like there are so many things i love about him i can't fit them all in the tags. same for sara#they're a perfect match for me
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bigmammallama5 · 2 years ago
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do you ever just. yeah.
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nervocat · 2 months ago
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I literally can't stop thinking abt how my tablemstebwent all in on essentially complimenting my face bc I said I wanted to get into doing makeup..
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seithr · 11 months ago
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Another day i shall be spending the whole day Out and am thus unable to draw anything. if only you guys knew. I have so many thoughts. I can imagine anything 👉😎
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crossbackpoke-check · 3 months ago
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re last answer: please don't stop, being very unhinged about these two pretty white boys is helping distract me from the sharks losing streak rn so bring it on
https://www.tumblr.com/bondedpairs/764566430180147200?source=share
(sideblog woes but there's the link for you) anyway in the vid they talk about going over to each other's houses to have dinner and things and while that is a delicious example of their codependence i love it bc through an rpf lens there is definitely some old man ******* going on. they can have the dilfs and each other.
(someone else mentioned kept boys which i could write an essay on but i fear being Perceived™️)
anyway if you have anything to add to this please do, if not ignore me and i will hide under a rock until the stress-related insanity has worn off and i am a functioning member of society once more 😂
- @bondedpairs
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ty for the video!!! and please, WRITE THE KEPT BOYS ESSAYYYY i promise i will read it with my hands over my eyes if you don’t want to be perceived. do it scared!! do it anyway!! we’ll all love you for it!!!
#like. i don’t know how to explain how narratively aware will smith is to me. he knows he’s being put into the codependent rookies arc.#he’s aware that zeev buium transforms into a dog. he knows that he and mack aren’t getting together because mack’s gotta work it out first.#& in a less unhinged way i simply mean that will smith has an air of both self-conscious thought & projection i think is maybe fascinating.#but not in a way in which i actually know this or think that he thinks about himself and how he comes across. he just Is Something ????#the best way i can explain is one of my alltime favorite fics i use it like a shorthand citation bc i love it so much but catchascatchcan’s#many worlds universe but specifically the second tk/pat story second person you the ouroboros spits out its tale nolan walks off screen.#like that is the kind of narrative awareness i am trying to explain that no matter where i put him will smith knows he’s inside a story but#not in a way where he’s trying to do anything to it. he’s just present there. this makes no sense to me either please understand#liv in the replies#bondedpairs#happy to have brought you something in your times of woe!!! ​also hope things get a little less stressful for you!! <3#we’re 2gether p much 24/7” no go on i say in my nature documentary voice. watching them like bugs under a rock rn observing from a distance#this DID get me to actually watch the video. agreed with puckpocketed saying rich text and ur tags like. YES the daddy issues popped out.#just wants to make sure he’s having fun!! checking up!! mack the prime irritance in will’s life!! foisted off on one another w/ no choice#it’s like when your parents are friends so then you have to be friends with their kids in a way and then also like. you’re the only kids#close in age to each other but they’re NOT but it is definitely not like. i would choose you for any lifetime it is very will smith hockey#(once again) very aware he has to wait for mack to settle down. like now that i’m saying this i DO want clairvoyant will smith which is not#where it goes in the first half but just in the sense of like. those silly posts that are like ‘invested early in stock!’ & it’s a picture#of braden holtby & his beautiful bisexual wife brandi back when holts was a hipster who wore skinny scarves & now everyone thinks he’s sooo#like that but it’s will smith saying my god you are insufferable but you’ll be fantastic in five years. get in the fucking car.#(yes i am drawing extensively from the one picture where will has COMPLETELY tuned him out (there is a football reasoning reference here?#with the patriots? neonfretra drew this also but it was a tweet about the teams. there’s layers to this here ANYWAY) we’re building a life#i realize after the fact i addressed neither the dilf (gilf?) fucking here nor the content of the actual video & polycules to which i say:#brain scrampled egg. the burnsie/joe/patty/(pavs???) polycule just exists to me and the kids intersect the venn diagram but in a much#smaller portion than they intersect each other in both ways (will/mack joe/the guys)#also as for the content of the video. you’re gonna have to give me at LEAST (how long did it take me until i actually started posting tzjd?#i hate that this is my metric but it really was like. i see everyone yelling about them & i’m like ok. [please ignore the irrational hatred#i have for tz at the time it has to do with moritz seider and also whenever i see him on the ice something awakens in kill mode] and i DO#blame tzjd for my 800 drafts and it took me like. a good while before i finally went OH kay. i see it. okay i can get invested. horizon at#a 45 degree angle moon in the late waxing gibbous winds scented of orange & blowing S by SW from the vortex cycle etc etc ass conditions)
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yuukei-yikes · 1 year ago
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nail girlie momo forcing everyone in the dan to let her practice on their hands and kido is always letting her bc Whoa momo holding my hand for over an hour. crazy. but ALSO kido is one of those ppl incredibly fidgety abt nail filling and all that so they sit through it with the power of gay love. they stare at momo the whole time bc she sticks her tongue out in concentration and kido thinks its cute. whatever
and when it's done they see their hands and it feels so foreign kinda like when rin dressed them in those fancy clothes. then gets emo abt rin bc she always had such perfectly manicured hands. erm anyways then they get distracted when momo's like THEY LOOK SO PRETTY DANCHOU THEY SUIT U:3
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confusedalpacart · 7 months ago
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dont think im going to do artfight this year tbh. got Stuff happening that month and i do not have the energy to make oc refs im actually happy with in time
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automatic-midnight · 8 months ago
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My biased, really unpopular take is that I think rit/su/maya is an objectively boring ship.
#just to be clear I don’t hate it there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the ship it’s just such a nothing burger to me#like ok yes without a doubt Maya has a crush on Ritusko absolutely this is backed up by canon material#but from Ritsukos side the most the viewer comes away with is that Ritsuko holds mayas skills in decently high regard#a few moments of friendly chit chat and that’s it#it would be one thing if we actually saw Ritsukos more personal opinions on Maya but we never see that so fandom has to fill in the blanks#and now barring that all aside it’s just a ship dynamic even when fleshed out in fanon that im not intrigued by#in a show where the characters are so messy and terrible the ship feels so out of place#ohhhh Maya could fix Ritsuko NO she could not#the only way I could find the ship interesting is if you get weird with it#like focus on the inherent power imbalance of a boss and an employee how would they deal with that?#how would things change as the show progresses and Maya realizes Rituskos blurred morals#how would the ship work with Gendo in the picture? how would Maya actually help ritusko overcome her issues and deep rooted problems#and even with all that being said it’s just not interesting to me#Maya doesn’t have enough going as a character for me to care to ship her with Ritsuko#this is partly why I like misaritsu so much#you know so much about their individual characters and their dynamics that it’s easy to expand it further into hypothesizing#their relationship in a romantic light#evangelion#like misato and Ritsuko are individually super well written fleshed our characters and on top of that put in moments like the elevator scene#or Ritsukos flashback to talking about when Misato hooked up with Kaji for a week#or just every time Ritsuko looks at Misato if you really want to reach#there so many moments of good characterization between them that it’s so easy to ship them#the point I’ll give to ritsu/Maya is that the one sided crush is 100% intentional and implied in canon#Misato and Ritsukos relationship (as far as I’m aware) was never intended to be romantic or queer coded or anything like that#i’m not delusional#I don’t think anno or sadamoto was writing subtextual nuclear toxic yuri when they were thinking about Misato and ritsukos relationship#no one was in the writing room saying “oh boy I can’t wait to write subtext about how comphet Ritsuko is in unrequited love with Misato”#I’m not that far gone but purely from a potential ship perspective misaritsu has so much more going for it#asu/rei too that’s another super interesting f/f ship that people ignore#asurei isn’t my do or die ship but that’s a ship that’s genuinely super interesting to think about as a potential romantic relationship
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abyssalpriest · 1 year ago
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God I could and should write a whole fucking book by the end of this life here on Lev and his symbols
ill write it then burn it before anyone else gets a copy. or i wont. im supposed to be helping him this incarnation here to get a better anchor in this plane so maybe it would help more than itd be weird - im just getting from him the energy of "yeah no people already effectively have these things, people on my plane already know me inside and out to an extensive degree, may as well have it here too" you know. fair
#~abyssal murmurs#ugh god i love his tone saying that tho. i kept trying to prod to see if it was a ''ugh yeah people know me inside and out and Yes Its#Invasive But -'' but no#oh my god man. his like energy towards his people is..... BEFORE I SAY THIS#I HOPE YOU ALL KNOW IM ANTI PROPAGANDA. the biggest reason i dont work with Lu and others is bc theres this tendency to#be like ''we're darkness but also light! we're teachers we're enlightened we're pure in our own way and the kings are here to#teach you how to empower yourselves and they love all worshipers and they reject all tyrannical authority and they are the good guys#against the chrxstian god who (insert specific atrocity that actually was committed by the kings not the 'chrxstian god' - and#''demons'' should KNOW that because it was AN IMPORTANT PART OF THE WAR so either theyre LYING orrrrr) and we're actually#really down to earth and more holy than anyone else bc we're enlightened - i mean uh uh no wait that contradicts us being#against the love and light style of enlightenment chasing'' like. i will tell you that my boss has massacred a lot of people i will tell yo#im anti monarchy and i dont believe that the kings' peoples are any better than 'angels' and i will tell you a lot of innocents on both#sides have been lost bc of royalty and rich families the kings are directly tied to#so i hope you know that when i say the way lev treats his people in his mind is..... holy shit#i pick apart everything he does. ive seen sides of him that are dark af (and i love him for them lmfao) but as soon as his people are#involved... have you ever been w someone getting hot and bothered and a kid walks in that you thought was sleeping and you just switch#completely into parent mode like. he'll have complex fictions w me helping me write stories about corrupt monarchies and shit#and then no. he is like. hes very good at mindset switching and going immediately into different faces but i swear#his ''i am a king and a king is a head of a mass of people - a king is a servant to his people'' mode is like. impenetrable#he is so. fucking intensely single-minded and trained to be a king unlike anyone else. anyway what was i talking about#OH YEAH. his tone w what i wrote in the post. was so switched into that mode of ''my viscera is theirs to eat as Im splayed on their table#and this is divine ruling. this is my purpose with them'' type shit. PURE thought. there is no other energy i can find in it other than#pure ''this is my job and i do it''. pure as in distilled. a pure tone like a sine wave played on a synth as opposed to a string plucked#leviathan //#ive. im nervous about saying the shit ive said here lmfao but ive had his OK before to say it ALSO. AS I SAID. theres no way his people#dont know the massacre was done by the kings lmfao. like. yall were involved. and also you all have to know that one of the#people that pretends to be the christian god is. two of the kings actually and since lev commonly appears to people and lets them#decide who he is bc hes never arsed making a show of Being Leviathan and whatnot im sure hes been called God plenty of times#too but like. cmon. I dont know who started the ''oh the uh the invading heaven and killing off half the population was the#chrxstian god'' rumour but i was first exposed to it through lu and (his wife) worshipers so yall get the blame - that said...
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tardis--dreams · 2 years ago
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One thing you need to know about me is that I will never reblog anything that has the addition "this should be reblogged by everyone" or anything of the like.
#unless it's like#really funny and not a guilt trippy kind of bullshit#i can agree 130% with a post and then see that comment and I'm like#yeah no. go fuck yourself.#(this point has been made so many times but people don't get why it's annoying apparently. people don't dislike your stupid addition#because they secretly disagree with the post but because now it seems like some weird social obligation to rb is#rb this or you're a bad person is a clever marketing strategy but it's quite stupid because it weakens the original point#oh you're saying everyone should rb this? well now it looks like the ppl rbing actually just do it out of some feeling#of social obligation. not because they really want to but because they want to fulfill the arbitrary standards you just made up for being#a good person#and don't get me wrong most certainly are most people rb these posts still out of agreement with the original statement#but it's still annoying as fuck and also you'd think ppl would know by now that people don't generally like being told what to do#so my hypothesis is (and i won't do any research to prove or disprove it (i might be very wrong and most people don't mind obviously)) bjt#but my hypothesis is that people who originally agree with the post but have a strong desire of being free in their choices#won't actually end up rbing bc it's just not that free of a choice anymore bc you just had to make it 'obligatory' but we all know#nothing is obligatory on a stupid webbed site like this so they scroll past while people who maybe would have scrolled past now feel#like they might actually be a bad person if they don't do as it says but without actually caring about the content. which diminishes#the positivity the post originally was supposed to spread bc how do you tell ppl actually mean it now when they rb these things#anyway. am i ranting about something completely asinine phenomenon on tumblr.com? yes.#would it be better to not dedicate my time and energy into making a 'hate' post? absolutely. but that will never stop me from doing so#(also works for things like 'you guys HAVE to do xyz [for your (mental) health/etc]'. literally the best advice phrased like this#is counterproductive. post something that doesn't sound like you're judging everyone who does otherwise and maybe ppl will be more inclined#to believe whatever your point or statement is)#ok I'll stop#shut up amy#void screams
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badcountryofficial · 1 month ago
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"Maybe you believe deep down that no one will ever be able or even willing to meet your needs.. :-(" yeah haha maybe. Maybe NOT so deep down lol
#like yaaaaaa being used and abused and mistreated and taken advtange of all yr life can do that#like genuinely can i just have a deep calm love 😂#where i dont feel like im walking on eggshells or need to play a role or make myself uncomfortable to make it work 😂#where im never pressured to do things that will harm me or be blamed for my own mistreatment 😂#can i just have that 😂#it feels so impossible. like yes subconciously ive played a part in it obviously#i have things im attracted to that arent good for me#but genuinely i didnt realize up until now#im nuturing yes and love to spoil but i dont think i actually LIKE being 'mommy'#it just feels familiar. it feels like that's what is wanted and expected and so i play into it#idk my heart breaks for all the shit i did in the beginning of the relationship that i didnt really want to do#i genuinely 100% THOUGHT I WANTED TO. I THOUGHT i liked it but looking back i was just#doing what felt familiar and doing what i felt i had to to not get abandoned#and it just hurts my heart#how much i betrayed and hurt myself just so someone wouldnt leave me#and now i see that if i had just been myself and he left it would have been an alignment#a moment of 'oh we're not right. oh well'#i mean it wouldnt have gone down that way and i didnt know the knowledge i do now#but just. idk.#my heart just hurts for myself tonight. how badly i want to be loved and belong but how impossible i make it to FEEL love#how i assume other people dont like me so i hang back and save them from having to experience me#yuck! you dont wanna be around me! im annoying! im cringe! i dont want you to have to pretend to like me when you dont it's ok#and it ends up pushing ppl away. i have to be myself to attract the people i belong w#which is so scary#if im myself if im just open and authentic then it's also up for anyone to reject me and judge me#but it lets people see me who WANT to know ppl like me#but even that feels so surreal to me#i force myself to believe my friends want me around because it's so mean to assume they dont#but i just cannot believe it#anyway idk i reached tag limit. im just sad and wish i had more community
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