#Personal Reflection

[heartofmuse]

It is a rare type of person who can make you lose your mind, expand it, and center it all at once.

e.v.e.

[thoughtsthatgounnoticed]

Swept up in Expectations

As an anxious and curious person, I couldn’t help but check every now and then to see what the vibe was for P2 before watching it myself. After all the excitement during the wait between P1 and 2, nothing could have prepared me for the whiplash I felt reading disappointed and equally ecstatic posts from reactions to Eps 5 to 8.

Now that I’ve seen the episodes myself I’m trying to make sense of how I felt so I’m putting the figurative pen to paper and hope anyone as confused as I am can ruminate with me.

To put simply - I think we were all swept up in the excitement of Nic and Luke’s press tour (a whole other can of worms for some) and the many spoilers, speculations, and info from cast interviews during the wait between P1 and 2 that appeared to have been Polin positive. This energy then ballooned our expectations. I personally forgot that although Bridgerton is endearing and fun, it’s ultimately not a BBC or HBO production (I love Bridgerton but it’s no Pulitzer Prize winner in writing). So I think we expected more and are crashing from our collective highs.

Then there’s Polin and Penelope. As someone who didn’t personally enjoy S1 and 2 stories, S3 was going to be one I could truly enjoy and romanticize, and experience that Bridgerton brainrot everyone keeps taking about. Admittedly, it took me listening to some discourse and a second watch to truly appreciate P1. I’ve come away with so much love for Polin and their unfolding love story as well as Pen’s journey. The friends to lovers trope is beautiful, sweet, endearing, romantic, with a lot of history between two people. It had me singing along at the top of my lungs to Taylor Swift in the car even though it’s not my usual type of music. I was swooned and romanced.

But Part 2 was…. rough…. (Ramblings below)

At least after episode 5. It felt like I wasn’t watching the same season. I knew the weight of LW was going to put Penelope through the wringer before we can ultimately move on in peace. I expected the angst, it didn’t bother me, even if it meant seeing the worst of Colin’s anger temporarily.

I think what bothers me is the wasted potential of Polin’s season brought on by unnecessary side plots that could have given more time to Colin, Penelope and Eloise’s complex relationship and individual feelings. It was a season that absolutely needed to flesh out these characters alongside LW’s plot. Instead we got lengthy scenes of side characters with no payoff or stories that could have waited to be told next season. Polin felt like side characters in their own stories, their scenes so cruelly cut between other people’s dramas - I was swooning one second to wondering why we’ve jumped to sideplot A and B, then back to swooning over Polin again (their wedding dance for example 😭).

Then there’s the question of intimacy and how we would have loved to see more - probably brought on by a rumored missing montage. Instead after all the pain, the culmination of intimacy between Polin was the 5 second scene towards the end that looked like one of Anthony or Ben’s random brothel end-of-episode montage scenes in S1. I didn’t need plenty of intimacy scenes, I just wanted there to be growth in their intimacy evolving beyond what they had in Ep 5 and after all that drama.

Part 2 should have focused on how Colin, Penelope and Eloise came to terms with the LW revelation and the aching healing process it took to overcome that because the love they have for one another was stronger. I found myself thinking how in hell they could resolve all of this and it became progressively clear that the resolution was going to feel underwhelming and rushed. Especially, when the last episode alone had another wedding, Colin and Penelope still not communicating, and like 4-5 scenes of Ben and his mistress and their lover. We sat there in complete shock at how we kept going back to those scenes when the season had bigger fish to fry.

Although the show attempted to delve into Colin’s journey post revelation, the process of overcoming his sadness/jealousy was not fleshed out satisfactorily. I’m not saying it isn’t there (the very quick scenes of him looking through Penelope’s letters, listening to her speech at the end, his speech to Cressida, interactions with Kanthony/Eloise etc) but it lacked…something. Maybe it needed just a beat longer, a few more words, a bit more time. I don’t need it to drag, I just needed more within the depth of the scenes. Funnily, some of the side plot scenes lasted longer, which was so evil. Colin deserved a concise arc like Penelope’s. I hope Luke Newton’s back wasn’t hurting from carrying all the weight of Colin’s journey through his delivery and face acting because the writers were not giving him much to work with.

And so, the ending of the season felt odd. On one hand I was happy Polin got their happy ending and in theory their progression made sense, but on the other I felt like the show did a disservice by not taking us carefully and deliberately on that progression journey we wonderfully started in S1 and 2. I will always have ep 1-5 to look back on fondly and I was teary eyed when Colin delivered his ep 8 love speech to Pen. It felt like a glimpse of what we could’ve had and what they did have in P1. However, there’s this feeling of anti-climax that is so palpable given how impactful the press tour was. Am I still walking away from this season loving Polin and enjoying the scenes we did get of them? YES. Am I satisfied with it? NO.

This is 70% an emotional rant that may subside once the excitement dies down. I have thoroughly enjoyed everyone’s input and analysis and may have just been swept up in expectations.

[tavyliasin]

Villain-Fucker Angst Hours

Good timezone, darlings~ Are you ready to get all up in your feelings? No? Me neither, loves, but here we are regardless so the words are going to flow as they usually do... This is focused on Raphael from Baldur's Gate 3 and his fandom, but the latter section can easily apply to any villain fandom.

Self-Analysis of Devil-Fuckery, Or Why Do I Adore Raphael When He Is Very Obviously Evil: A Short Essay by TavyliaSin (Who Still Cannot Name Anything With Less Than A Full Paragraph) ((NSFW)) (((Game Spoilers)))

The following may discuss heavier topics, but without specifics, so whilst it should be safe for most to read without triggering any difficult memories please be aware of Raphael's entire vibes, the content and context of his story, and I'd also like to mention that this isn't a "woe be us for we are terrible people" piece, it's actually more about:

"There is an inherent kindness and warmth to much of the Raphael fandom, and I think there could be some common threads behind that, pulling us all in closer in a comforting blanket that we wrap around each other to keep out the cold of the world."

So, what in the nine hells am I on about? Well. Raphael-fandom is a wild and wonderful place to be. The rest is in sections, so feel free to skip through to what you feel is relevant to your interests. I am so prone to waffle I should open a restaurant~

Who Are Fans Of Raphael? What Do They Want?

We are feral, unhinged, all sheets to the wind "I want that devil man, carnally, and there is no force in all the planes that could stop me". There's the vanilla to the extreme and every level in between, tops, bottoms, versatiles, Doms, subs, and switches - there are a whole lot of people who would love to get their hands on either (or both) of Raphael's forms, for a simple smooch or something far more spicy~ [edited in] To add on to this, not all of us even desire him in a sexual way, for many it is romantic, soft, or even just the rather pleasant thought of spending an evening with drinks by the hellfire because he would be fascinating company. Aces, Aros, and AroAces may all find themselves well within the devilish corners of fandom too~ which is a whole other essay~ [end edit] So, I see you. I'm one of you. Extremely loud and utterly hingeless in my fan appreciation for Raphael. He's one of my favourites to write about, I seek art of him, and the same goes for his mirrored other half, Haarlep, who I arguably love more despite there being far less content of them in the game.

And the Fandom? The Vibe?

From my experience in the Raphael Fandom areas, we have a very deep and abiding understanding of consent, respect, and treating each other with an absolute and uncompromising kindness. We've had talks about keeping each other safe in fandom, exchanged details of people we have encountered who need to be avoided, even shared details between moderators of different fandom servers to pre-ban people proven to be creeps and/or art thieves. We've also discussed consent, including the issues with it in the game, and how areas of the story can only really be considered dubious at best and could easily be triggering for people. And these discussions have been open, honest, fair, and with the acknowledgement that most of us love these scenes anyway. So there's a sense of care that runs through everything, behind the horny-posting and fan content, behind the endless thirsting after our favourite fictional characters. We have a depth of kindness that warms my sinners soul every time I see it.

What Does This Have To Do With Self-Reflection, Raphael, or Villainy In General?

Well let's look at Raphael. He's a villain, obviously. He's manipulative, devious, and inherently evil by his very nature. He keeps Hope chained in his basement, constantly subjected to endless torture. There's also mention of how Gortash was sold into his service at a young age, clearly not an enjoyable experience given the other details and how things turn out (particularly as Raphael would need Gortash's own plans to fail entirely in order for him to succeed in his own and get that crown). And as fans, we accept that. We don't sit making excuses, or trying to say "well actually Gortash is a little shit and Hope probably deserve it", and we don't shy away from or conveniently ignore those darker sides of him with malicious intent to enable more evil to flourish. What I noticed, when I allowed the thoughts to continue, is that there is a theme here.

If Evil Can Be Loved Then So Can I

That's the core. Of course, darlings, I am not claiming to be a heinous monster. I certainly do not have a laundry list of crimes that would make the devil himself say "Uh, that's a bit much." But I sure as fuck treat myself like I do sometimes. You see, I think a lot of us have that tendency, to judge ourselves far more harshly than anyone else. Our patience, understanding, and forgiveness for others runs deeper than the Mariana Trench, but when it comes to our own flaws? One minor mistake and we think ourselves to be the worst beings ever to disgrace the earth. Thus, the villainy we see reflects how we are treating ourselves. So by loving and accepting all of those things that should be terrible, hated, we are actually learning that no matter how poorly we think of ourselves that we can be worthy of that same love and acceptance. We are extending the affection we are unable to show ourselves to someone we see the worst parts of ourselves amplified within. And that's why villains attract the people with the most kindness. The most forgiveness. Because it takes someone with a truly huge amount of empathy to find love for the embodiment of evil.

Or, IDK, maybe villains are just hot and we're too far down to care.

But wait, before you go!

THERE'S SOMETHING WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT.

All of this is about FICTION. We should never be accepting of the kinds of evil we see in the game irl. We do not owe anyone kindness if they do not show it to us.

What is hot in fiction is not always OK IRL.

Look after yourselves out there, remember that consent is key in all things, and please do try to learn to love yourselves, darlings, you are worthy of it and you should judge yourself by the same standard you judge others. If you are in doubt, if you are worried, if you feel afraid - reach out, talk to someone. There are many who will listen.

Treat yourself as you would treat a friend. You deserve that much.

Oh, and all Raphael fans who understand kindness are welcome around me, any hour of the day, I adore our little fandom circles and would gladly collect all of us together. I'm following a lot of you as soon as I find you, like hunting shiny pokemon~

See you in Avernus, my darling Little Mice, may we all find joy in the Cambion's Embrace~

[kateeorg]

Rewatching reactions to The Mandalorian Season 2 finale, and you known what really gets me?

Star Wars has the power to make grown men cry.

No, listen.

When Star Wars hits it right, it has the rare ability to make a certain type of man emotional in a way that generally only happens with sports and movies like Field of Dreams.

Now I don't think Star Wars should only cater to those type of men, of course. The fandom in general is incredibly fickle, some male fans are always negative, and trying to go for shallow nostalgia bait will only get you so far. But overall it's a demographic that is hard to win over, and - possibly unpopular opinion - I don't think they should ignore it or shit on it the way they sometimes do.

And it transcends age, to an extent. It seems like as long as you saw and loved Star Wars before age 20ish, it has that hold over you. My dad was a teen in 1977, and he took my mom to see Empire Strikes Back on their second date a few years later. I've seen this man now in his mid-60s, who has a harder and harder time really getting into movies or shows, being so jazzed about the Obi Wan/Vader fight in Obi Wan Kenobi. And loved Luke coming back in The Mandalorian. We rewatched that episode when my brother came home for Christmas because it was just so good.

I'm seeing that a little with Skeleton Crew reactions too. Not the crying, but the sheer fun and wonder that watching Star Wars has brought to audiences since 1977.

And I just... I don't know. I just think Star Wars needs to acknowledge that more and use that power for good, somehow.

I'm not a guy myself, so I can't speak from experience of how to do that. But I have guys in my life who I want to see have something to love and look forward to.

To me, anything that can bring real joy to people, that transcends mindless or grimdark entertainment, needs to be cultivated. Not burned down or killed or subverted to death in an attempt to correct perceived wrongs.

(See also: Ted Lasso)

[softsatinskies]

𝑊𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑓𝑒𝑒𝑙𝑠 𝑙𝑖𝑘𝑒 𝑎𝑛 𝑖𝑛𝑣𝑖𝑡𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 𝑡𝑜 𝑠𝑙𝑜𝑤 𝑑𝑜𝑤𝑛 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑟𝑒𝑓𝑙𝑒𝑐𝑡. ♡︎

𝐐𝐮𝐢𝐞𝐭 𝐆𝐫𝐨𝐰𝐭𝐡

𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒍𝒅 𝒂𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅 𝒖𝒔 𝒔𝒆𝒆𝒎𝒔 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒍𝒍,

𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒃𝒆𝒏𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒉 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒖𝒓𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒆 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒔 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒈.

𝑱𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒒𝒖𝒊𝒆𝒕 𝒕𝒓𝒆𝒆𝒔, 𝒃𝒍𝒂𝒏𝒌𝒆𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒊𝒏 𝒔𝒏𝒐𝒘,

𝑰𝒏 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒍𝒍𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒔, 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒚 𝒘𝒂𝒊𝒕, 𝒂𝒔 𝒔𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒔 𝒔𝒐𝒇𝒕𝒍𝒚 𝒇𝒍𝒐𝒘.

𝑩𝒆𝒏𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒉 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒆𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕, 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒐𝒐𝒕𝒔 𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒆𝒕𝒄𝒉 𝒅𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝒃𝒆𝒍𝒐𝒘, 𝒂 𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒆𝒏𝒈𝒕𝒉 𝒖𝒏𝒔𝒆𝒆𝒏, 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒚 𝒕𝒐 𝒈𝒓𝒐𝒘.

𝑮𝒓𝒐𝒘𝒕𝒉 𝒊𝒔𝒏’𝒕 𝒍𝒐𝒖𝒅; 𝒊𝒕’𝒔 𝒂 𝒔𝒍𝒐𝒘, 𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒚 𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒆,

𝑨 𝒋𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒏𝒆𝒚 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏, 𝒖𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓 𝒒𝒖𝒊𝒆𝒕 𝒔𝒌𝒊𝒆𝒔.

𝑱𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒕𝒓𝒆𝒆𝒔, 𝒘𝒆 𝒎𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒂𝒍𝒔𝒐 𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒏 𝒕𝒐 𝒘𝒂𝒊𝒕,

𝑻𝒐 𝒃𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒎 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒊𝒕’𝒔 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆, 𝒕𝒐 𝒈𝒓𝒐𝒘 𝒂𝒕 𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒐𝒘𝒏 𝒑𝒂𝒄𝒆.

[simplymarmies]

In the Midst of Struggles: How I’m Discovering Who I Am

I’ve been on a journey of self-discovery for a few years now. Life—in a sense—is a whole journey of self-discovery for all of us, but my most pivotal moments began around COVID. It’s been a whole rollercoaster ride since then. There were so many moments I felt lost—struggled with my mental health, dealt with a tough diagnosis, navigated a family health emergency, and lost loved ones along the way. Despite these tough times, I’ve come out stronger, braver, and kinder.

Have you ever found yourself questioning your circumstances and wondering why things seem so hard? “Why is this happening to me?” and “Why does it always have to be me?” are questions that I’ve asked far too many times. Yet, every single time, God answers and presents Himself to me. In my darkest moments, He always called out to me. He reminds me that challenges and heartbreak are inevitable parts of life. But even in the toughest times, He has, and always will, bless me with the strength, resources, and opportunities to face them. If He was there for me, I know He will be there for you too.

You might wonder what kind of blessings God can give when it feels like things can’t possibly get any better. The truth is, He has a way of surprising us with unexpected gifts. For me, they came in the form of unexpected financial help, divine timing that made circumstances align in ways I couldn’t have imagined, overflowing support from those around us, and precious time spent with a dying loved one.

Yes, these hardships were difficult, but I thank God everyday for them because they gave me an opportunity to appreciate life even more, and recognize the goodness that exists even in the midst of challenges. These experiences have shaped and molded me into who I am today and will continue to shape who I will become. They’ve changed me for the better, and now, I want to share what I’ve learned along the way.

If you’re going through something similar and feeling alone in your journey, I hope you find solace in my words. You are not alone. Whatever you’re feeling right now is completely valid, and I hope that by sharing my experiences, you’ll feel seen and heard. Hearing others share their stories, especially those who have faced similar struggles, has provided me with great comfort in my hardest moments. So, I hope that I can be a source of comfort for you, too.

Let’s go on this journey together. ❤️

[tookishcombeferre]

TW: use of outdated trans terminology, references to The Rocky Horror Picture Show, queer monster literature, and fascism

it was once said we were all souls seekers, journeying towards a higher power longing for some kind of truth, desiring some kind of eternal rest. saints and angels singing, and i long to be wanted there, with my Father Creator seeing good in the creation formed out of strange feelings, in questions, in who am i's, in what am i's, in why am i's? now, all i can hear are the pleas, prayers for mercy in the transylvania castle deleted from the face of existence wild things on wild nights reduced to tears, base fears and makeup streaming down faces, hands shaking in the cold and wet sweat stinging temples as murderers hound 'round the door, and it opens less stays locked more. i wear two faces: gentle child of two old souls heart cleaved in two pieces since the moment i was 'born.' one heart, longs for good: like friend, father, angel one heart, longs for anger: like transvestite sweet. i am no less monster than my fellow wild things. i am no less monster than transylvanians before. i just know that i am also more. if i had one wish, i would open the eyes, hearts, ears, and minds of those who only see evil externally. for, i love the "dear boy" in me, wide eyed is his wonder, open are his palms, just is his fury towards those who do harm, he holds all my memory, all the pain of my past steadfast, and constant, holding life in his hands. my fairer half, the good, asks this of you: "when they use this to justify murder, what will you do?" a wild thing torn in two - p. s. shuller

[velvet-script]

A Quiet Observation

Sometimes, it's in the smallest of moments that I find the most beauty. A half-read book, the sound of rain against the window, or the simple act of watching a candle flicker. It's these quiet moments that help me remember to breathe. In a world so fast-paced, I find solace in slowing down and letting the world unfold at it's own pace.

[queenie435]

[andthenlightningstrikes]

i was on the roof standing just now after waking. after taking pictures at 2:00 am of little things around the kitchen. after having such a wonderful evening with my friends—late-night games and camaraderie, wendy’s taste, and strong debating about movies and culture. the things about being friends as our lives unravel. we’ve been deep on the journey of being friends, and we’ve seen each other’s faces and the ways that they’ve changed.

one thing that i notice is there’s something about living the life i live. perhaps it’s the bohemian spirit that caught me, or maybe i led myself into it. i should look where it comes from. maybe it calls right from the green of the trees and trying to live at peace—not with nature, but with what surrounds me. it’s accepting and embracing reality as it is. there’s potential in defining then what reality should become, with actual nuance and understanding one’s own role in how to shape it. finding balance. being hopeful and present.

there’s such a deep joy in one of my friends giving it a try and seeing the change, being in charge of shaping his reality. there’s such a joy in seeing ourselves being with our friends. the joy and satisfaction of being present with what matters to us. being on our constant way to be our better selves. being hopeful and present.

i then go back to thinking of my own way to live life. i think it would help them all so much to maybe find themselves meditating, understanding their breaths, and finding the present as a crucial way to grasp reality and see. but who am i but a witness of their own breathing patterns, in all the shapes they take? help them find their own way to experience and find meaning. i know they are all here as well. i don’t know if i’m explaining myself well.

because then i go back to hesitate for a bit, since there’s the role that substance plays in experiencing reality. and i like the role it plays. i get to find my feelings heightened, to find new ways to understand. and with my breaths, my philosophy, my art, and my poetry, i then get to love even more deeply. and i know that does make sense.

i get to embrace not being perfect as i get to have it just like this for being high. and it’s the ways where i’m not completely perfect yet wondering deeper about if it’s ancestry or if it’s personal desire that leads me to these conclusions and this way of living.

i then think—there’s a queerness in living life this way. is that the bohemian spirit radiating from the trees? the way the ancestors lived their life?

yet there’s no way to completely explain it, as it lives in the air. almost as if it were clear transparent purple air, living amongst everything and manifesting in many ways. i can’t see it, yet i feel it. trace connections to how i get to perceive. to how i get to exist.

purple air. the roof. standing. and then off to catch my breath. and then feeling the sun warming—my clothes, my weight. and then letting go. and then going back to being a writer and being this.

just last night, i understood. as i got higher than i intended, i grasped something enjoyable. something tied to the queerness that lives in the air and breathes through me. something about taking a late-night shower after being out with friends. the clumsiness of forgetting the towel and walking wet and naked back to your room. getting to see your body through that light. through the waterdrops and the soft trace of water i left behind after rubbing my hands all across my body, so i could at least be a little dry and less pouring.

something, something, something about drinking cold water and turning the lights off. something about drying. something about letting water fall over the kitchen floor. alright, as it would dry.

then something about the memories and the embodied sex i’ve had with my lover. the person who’s brought deep pleasure into my life. something, something, something about exploding long and hard. thoughts that only clash together as i lose my breath and feel how everything’s alright.

but again, one way or another, i’ll choose to still go for alright.

[in-tenebris-et-in-solitudine]

Browse Anonymously and Securely

[corpseflxwer]

before the year ends, just wanted to say i am really damn proud of myself for this year in terms of my art. like daaamn.. i believe "factory resetting" my art style at the beginning of this year was what helped the most (that style where i used a pixel brush and flat colours.. honestly i think ill still use it time to time lol, it's fun) as i was able to easily work my way from it.

and im not only measuring this in terms of the visual improvement, like.. for the past 2 years i don't feel like i've liked drawing as much as i do now, really, it almost felt like a chore and i just really struggled to find the fun in doing it.

with that said.. although i'm gonna be setting goals for newer areas such as writing for the new year, im for sure gonna keep up with improving my art!!! this reflection has really given me a REALLY big boost.... :DDD

[musigenic]

when the pawn... - fiona apple

released: november 9, 1999 genre: singer-songwriter, piano rock, alternative rock, art pop, chamber pop, jazz pop runtime: 42:37 key tracks (but honestly they all are): "on the bound," "fast as you can," "love ridden," "i know"

i don’t even remember how i found this album, but i swear it found me when i needed it most. “when the pawn…” is like a messy, intimate, late-night phone call you’re not supposed to hear but can’t stop listening to. it’s an album that’s more than music; it’s a mirror that shows you the ugliest parts of yourself but also reminds you that being ugly doesn’t make you unworthy of love. fiona’s voice is raw, trembling, but so in control. she’s falling apart but also orchestrating the fall.

track-by-track breakdown:

on the bound this opener is a whole mood in itself. you're being dragged through wet concrete while someone whispers all your worst fears in your ear. “you’re all i need” shouldn’t sound this desperate, but it’s the kind of love that makes you lose yourself completely; like a warning wrapped in silk.

to your love it’s bitterness disguised as confession. “forgive me, you were right about everything” cuts deep because we’ve all been there. trying to sound like you’re over it while still bleeding out. i like to stare at the ceiling at 3 a.m. hearing this one, replaying an argument.

limp girl rage in song form. it’s cathartic as hell, the way she’s so unapologetically furious. reminds me of slamming doors and screaming into pillows when you’re too young to know how else to deal.

love ridden this one feels like waking up after a breakup when the weight of everything just sits on your chest. “no, not ‘baby’ anymore, if i need you, i’ll just use your simple name” is such a mature heartbreak. the strings feel like they’re weeping with you.

paper bag "hunger hurts, but starving works." enough said.

a mistake it’s chaos. it’s manic. it’s walking home drunk at 2 a.m. and deciding to text your ex anyway. “let me dangle at a cruel angle” is such a painfully specific way to describe self-destruction. i’m obsessed.

fast as you can the perfect storm of everything fiona is: erratic, tender, venomous. the tempo shifts feel like mood swings, like the song’s running away from itself. iconic.

the way things are there’s this brutal honesty in “i wouldn’t know what to do with another chance if you gave it to me.” it’s almost resigned, like she’s tired of fighting herself.

get gone is so real it hurts. it’s the anthem of finally kicking someone out of your life after they’ve drained you dry. it’s angry but also weary, like she’s fought this fight a thousand times before.

i know this closer is devastating in the quietest way. it’s not about the explosion of heartbreak; it’s about the smoldering ashes left behind. “and if it gets too late for me to wait for you to find you love me, it’s okay” feels like surrender.

fav lyric: “hunger hurts, but starving works” — from “paper bag.”

this album came into my life during what i can only describe as an emotional apocalypse. i was nineteen, in my first real relationship, and on the verge of imploding. everything about “when the pawn…” felt like fiona had written it just for me. the anger, the yearning, the self-loathing—it all mirrored what i couldn’t say out loud.

one night, after a particularly brutal fight with my then-bf, i blasted “limp” on repeat. it was the first time i realized that music could be therapy, that someone else’s pain could hold space for your own. fiona gave me permission to feel everything without apology, to be messy and complicated and human.

this album’s a 10/10, no question.

[softsatinskies]

[transcendragon]

Growing Up: A Poem

I thought I knew the worldWhen I was a childThen a teenThen an adult, and thenAn adult getting olderI thought I knew the world – I knew the chill of cold air against my skin,The way the leaves turned or stayed green,The thick scent of ocean tinged in salt,The way a steering wheel moved under my hands,What it felt to cry alone, late at night, – I thought this was the worldThe cool dawn and…

[heartofmuse]

When people say you have control over your life I think they are being way too naive. So much in life happens that you can´t control and that affects you: decisions your family members make, your loved ones, your colleagues, your boss, even sometimes strangers. I mean if we lived alone in the world, maybe we could have control of our lives but we live surrounded by people and chaos. Do you really think only the decisions you make will determine the course of your life? You can take decisions that will mitigate, can set a new course, remediate as much as you can, but in the end full control is not in your hands and yes, as a control freak I hate that. Mindset, though is, totally in your control.  I chose the lens with which I will look at what happens to me, at what the world throws my way. The way you see and perceived things, at least for me, is more important than the actual thing itself. We are the ones that impart meaning to events, to people, to things, but it is hard, and I am talking the hardest thing in life is truly the battle of the mind. For emotions you can't control and will explode in your chest unannounced, but your thoughts, the way you react to those emotions, the way you let them influence your actions, your words, that is all in your mind. I battle every single day of my life, and it gets exhausting. Sometimes I just want to give up and when I do despair and hopelessness take over, but I have learned to show them quickly to the door. If they stay too long they will become unwanted guests eating up at my soul. I have had more dreams crushed than I care to count, but as a dreamer I cannot help but dream always, because I chose to feed the divine spark in me that drives me forward with faith and hope. I strive into the unknown believing there is more. And in the end I will be proven wise or maybe I will be proven a fool but at least I will have lived a life a little more tipping to the side of joy. 

e.v.e.