#Parental neglect

[thebibliosphere]

Sometimes, talking about religious trauma with other people is really funny for me (not funny, haha, more funny 'I should probably talk about that more in therapy) because it feels like I'm playing with a stacked deck.

Like, Mothman will talk about growing up with Catholic Guilt™, and another friend will talk about the shit they encountered in a Baptist church, all awful, truly horrific, damaging stuff.

Then they'll ask, "What about you?" and I hesitate because it's like, well, my dad was raised by his strict patriarchal Irish Catholic grandfather and Austrian Jewish grandmother* because his Jehova Witness mother was deemed unfit, so like, he'll argue with God, but feel really bad about it while also feeling the need to tell everyone about it.

And then there's my mother, who was raised Calvinist but fell into Christian Science for a while before falling fully into New Age Occultism tinged with insane family lore** while still holding onto the purity of Calvinism and the faith healing of Christian Science, which led to my parents raising me as an indigo starseed child sent to earth by angels to absorb the pain of others as God intended and that's why I never got taken to the doctor because it wasn't my body that was in pain, it was my soul.

And it's like, I swear I'm not trying to one-up you, I SWEAR. My family tree is just a smorgasbord of poor life choices and questionable reasoning ability.

----

*Arguably, the only normal one in the entire family who did her best to keep a lid on everything. ** Apparently, there was some family curse on my mother's mother's side from pissing off a fairy that caused all kinds of health problems that no one looked into because it was "the curse." They're still somewhat mad at me for going to a doctor and getting diagnosed with a genetic connective tissue disorder. Though, arguably, what is a genetic disorder if not a familial curse?

[abuzd]

[punkstylerecovery]

Generally speaking, your parents often owe you a lot more than you're taught to believe. A lot of people are raised to believe that parents do not really owe you that much beyond food and shelter and that's not true. In fact, you can have parents who give you food, shelter, patience and kindness and STILL deserve more from them.

By being your parents, they've accepted a very special relationship and amount of responsibility for you. Do you know how many people I know whose parents have never genuinely apologized to them? How many people’s parents physically hurt them, how many people’s parents mock their insecurities, how many people’s parents don’t care for their children’s health, how many parents make their children (intentionally or otherwise) want to die? 

And so many people don’t give a fuck. We’re raised in cultures that more often than not treat us to respect our parents in spite of most anything while also teaching everyone that children don’t deserve shit. We’re raised in cultures that more often than not teach us to “respect our parents” in spite of most anything while also teaching everyone that children don’t really deserve shit. It varies but its so common that lots of people don’t even think twice about it. 

But children DO deserve more than they’re generally given. So much more! And so many things that are literally just abusive are considered normal parenting all around the world and that’s vile, especially considering children are the most severely affected by this and have no “societal power” to wield to put a stop to it beyond what they can scramble together through a combination of sheer determination, shock value, strength and fucking luck. 

Not to sound radical, but I think we owe children a fuck ton more than they’re being given now and I think people need to learn so much more about abuse and how that ties into the common underplaying of what we’re owed in parent/child relationships. 

[noballoonsinspace]

Misbehavior is not a reflection of merit Misbehavior is not a reflection of character Misbehavior is not a reflection of intelligence Misbehavior is not a reflection of work ethic Misbehavior is not a reflection of morals or values

Misbehavior is a reflection of well-being Misbehavior is a reflection of environment Misbehavior is a reflection of power dynamics Misbehavior is a reflection of support systems Misbehavior is a reflection of how someone is treated

“Bad” kids don’t misbehave hurting kids misbehave traumatized kids misbehave abused kids misbehave neglected kids misbehave scared kids misbehave lonely kids misbehave grieving kids misbehave stressed kids misbehave overwhelmed kids misbehave burnt-out kids misbehave

Its not a “tantrum” or a “fit” or a “bad kid” with “unacceptable behavior,” it’s a cry for help

When kids misbehave, stop “punishing” and “disciplining” and “reprimanding” them

When kids misbehave for the love of god just help them

And P.S. this basically applies to adults as well

[learningfromlosing]

Parents who will never understand that because you weren't parented you have an incredibly hard time navigating the world. Parents who will never understand how you could be so mentally ill and not physically ill that you can't hold a job. Parents who don't understand how you see a doctor so often and are still so ill. Parents who will never understand that the reason you cant come to them until it's too late into an emergency is because we're fucking terrified of how they're going to handle it, or handle us handling it, but we have no where else to go. Parents who will never understand the full story because they genuinely are tired of hearing you try and tell it. Parents who will never take responsibility for neglect because we were too burdensome as a child and we need to be more understanding for them. Parents who will never understand how badly it hurts you that you're not in a healthy family. Parents who will never fully love you because they will never fully understand you, by choice. Parents who tell you so.

[invalid-request]

I'm realizing now that what you really wanted was to be able to call yourself a good parent. Which is different than wanting to *be* one.

It didn't matter if I struggled, as long as you found a way to argue it was my own fault.

It didn't matter if I was hurting, as long as you could persuade yourself it was best to do nothing.

It didn't matter if I was in need, as long as you had everyone convinced that you gave plenty.

You were too busy crafting your own story to put any care into the way you crafted mine

[melblogsgfreethruptsd]

[indigoisokay]

There's really really something about my strongest special interest being the owl house which was also a special interest I developed the first time I was able to spend time with my actual (found) parents and be more than a disowned and disabled queer kid who ran from catholicism. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. There are definitely themes here

[the-grand-gemini]

Wyll Ravengard thoughts/writing prompt:

Wyll's identity is so heavily focused on his father, which absolutely makes sense given his upbringing with only the one parent, but that doesn't mean sometimes Wyll never wonders what his life would be like if she'd been there. He doesn't necessarily miss his mother as he never had her, but there are moments of "what if". What would father be like, would his expectations have been the same, would his mother have stopped him from being sent away, would she have come with him if Ulder would not let him remain in Baldur's Gate, would she too have cast him out, would she have written to him after he left the Gate, would she make father stay in touch too? Wyll carries a sense of loss and nostalgia he has no means of placing. His mother is an empty shadow in his mind.

Which brings me to this: I can't get the idea out of my head that after Wyll is transformed he feels he's lost part of the gift that his mother gave him. Specifically his eyes. Are Ulder Ravengard's eyes also brown like Wyll's? Probably, but maybe Wyll's eyes were the same shade of brown his mother's were... He had already lost one during battle, and now his remaining eye has been touched by the Hells.

The scene that made me think of this is when Karlach is mourning the loss of the heart that her mother gave her. I feel like Wyll is still probably in relative shock over his changed form and is experiencing body dysmorphia. He would hear Karlach's words and suddenly have another moment of heart break. A thought that had not sat with him yet while too busy trying to adjust to his new form and survive their adventure. The gift that his mother gave him has been corrupted and it's his fault.

(Not that it's actually his fault given that he was a teenager when forced to take Mizora's deal, but you can't tell me Wyll doesn't feel guilty at times for "failing" to meet his father's expectations and internalized that sense of shame)

Even though he's never really met his mother as she passed before he could know her, he feels another level of loss. The body she died giving to him has been altered, the eye(s) in the mirror watching him are no longer his mother's. Maybe one day there will be some relief. His changed body is a means of stepping out of the shadow of who his father expected him to be. But for now there is loss and mourning a gift given by someone he never knew.

I just feel like Wyll doesn't get as much writing and we don't really get to deeply explore the horror of having your body altered without your consent! Which thematically everyone in the party is desperately trying to avoid having their body altered via the illithid tadpol! What we do get are a few brief lines saying that we are sorry and that he's still himself (as well as very handsome if not more so because... horns 👀💦).

I need to read about Wyll mourning himself and accepting his new body. Confronting his father for abandoning him in a time of need. Remembering his father choosing his duty to the city over his duty to him as his child. I mean he could have retired! He and Wyll could have moved to the country OR travelled the coast together fighting for others! However that didn't happen and I feel like a bigger discussion is needed before healing that bond.

You can't tell my young Wyll Ravengard, who loves his father so much he already forgave him the moment he was cast out, didn't cry his heart out alone under the night sky the first time he was on his own. That he doesn't suppress those emotions constantly, because yes he doesn't regret sacrificing himself to protect the people of Baldur's Gate, but that doesn't mean he doesn't weep knowing his father's love was conditional.

I need a discussion where he worries that Tav may choose to leave him someday if he cannot meet their expectations. He knows its unfounded, but the hurt inside himself remains.

I want to see Wyll struggle with his changed body and rediscover himself. Either with the support of a romanced Tav or just the entire team as a supportive found family there to help him.

If anyone wants to use this as a writing prompt please go ahead and tag me if you do so I can read it!

[ancaliime]

I tried this new idea on for size: “My parents didn’t love me,” I muttered to myself, quietly, then louder: “My parents didn’t love me.” It’s a tragic sentence. It should feel like a shot to the gut. But instead, it had both resonance and stillness. It happened. It’s true. And it’s okay. There are people who love me. I will be cared for. And I have my capable self. Everything is going to be fine.

Stephanie Foo, What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma

[invertedrat]

how come my mom can spend so much money on herself but when it comes to me we're "broke" or we gotta wait until she gets paid again (and we don't end up doing something) or she's "too tired" even though she just recently got fucking b12 shots so she's not tired all the fucking time. she'll say "not until you clean your room", i clean my room. "not after that attitude you've had recently", its not even thag much, you're just narcissistic. so many fucking excuses, but when it comes to herself, she'll spend all the money in the fucking world. she's always buying shit from shein, she gets the better stuff like a $2.5k matress while mine is $30 off of facebook market, she's getting a fucking pedicure today and i cant remember the last time i got something like that, she gets an expensive phone while i had to pay for my $50 phone, hell she gets all the repairs in the house while i dont even have a proper door and my floor underneath my room is falling apart. she gets everything. shes the adult. she deserves it. i don't.

[abuzd]

[punkstylerecovery]

I love folks complaining about "gentle parenting" and blaming it on kids "being out of control" because not only could that mean anything from "a kid stood up to me and set boundaries like the human being they are" to "a kid i was babysitting screamed at me and threw a can at me because i said no to buying them something really expensive" but it also shows me that they know nothing about gentle parenting or parenting at all. One of those is a sign of good (or perhaps "gentle") parenting. One of those is probably a sign of neglect.

When I see folks complaining about kids on the internet these days and blaming it on "gentle parenting", so often they're just talking about clearly neglected kids and it's because so many folks don't know what parenting is without violence. You tack on "gentle" and automatically they assume you're doing nothing at all and letting the kid do whatever because parenting means some type of hurt to them and "gentle" negates that.

It's so sad that so many people can't imagine parenting without hurt. It's so sad people feel the need to tack "gentle" onto parenting to teach people how to parent properly because they don't know how to get people to separate parenting from hurt in their minds otherwise. It's so sad that so many people STILL can't do it.

I'm glad to see the folks speaking out against it if only because it says a lot about their characters and about the people who agree. But also don't get me wrong, I'm really glad about all the folks who use these parenting skills for kids. I'm really glad for all the people using these skills as well as those teaching other people and unlearning all this bullshit. I can already see their (our?) impact and I think it'll only grow more beautiful as it goes on.

It brings me hope.

[atlxolotl]

[learningfromlosing]

The awkward pain of seeing a family on television. The odd despair of hearing laughter. The confusion of having your own parents prefer not to be around even when you're in the hardest situation you've ever been in. Never understanding how they could possibly be living their life without having it control their thoughts like it does yours. Not being able to comprehend how your well being isn't constantly weighing them down like it's weighing you down. The isolation you feel when you have no idea what to do and you can't ask for help because it's never been there. Or it's been there before and it's been depleted. The yearning for the family who's never considered you to be in theirs. The shame of being told it would be better if you weren't there. The heartbreak of a parent telling you dying was the only thing you could ever do for them. The anxiety of ever talking about it with others. The burden of worrying you're making it seem worse than it is. The pressure of feeling like you need to get over it without any closure.

[traumatizedjaguar]

"Scapegoats are used as a distraction. Were you blamed for things out of your control in childhood, how specifically? What was your function in your abusive family? Did your role distract from bigger things going on in the family? Did you become a catch-all for all the miserable feelings because the parents couldn't bother with getting better? Did your parents make an example out of you to train your siblings? Or keep an image going in the family that was unnecessary in the grand scheme of things? It was convenient for the adults to have a 'bad guy' instead of admitting they were failing as parents and covering up other bad things in the family system. It wasn't about me but they made it about me.

As a scapegoat I feel so indebted to the world, apologetic about me existing, and blaming myself for having basic needs."