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bhaal-battle-beer-bard · 2 months ago

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ᘀᘗ нօʟɖ ʍɛ աɨȶɦօʊȶ ɦʊʀȶɨռɢ ʍɛ ᘀᘗ

📸: by @aristenfromwarsaw

➹pairing: Astarion x female Tiefling Durge (my bard Tav Saulus)

➹summary: Astarion gets a little bit carried away while his midnight feast, but Saulus shows him how to take it slow and what other things they can do to spend the night together. A fluff – fest! Pure pure comfort!

➹content/tags: fluff, comfort, romance, emotional support, cuddles, so much cuddles, smuty flirting, bantering

➹idea: based on pinkberrytea’s wonderful headcanon,thx again,made me so happy

➹listening while reading, inspirational song

➹word count: 10,878 ➹ao3

➹dedication: @pinkberrytea thanks for the lovely hc about them, it was the whole inspiration for this, so this one is for you

@aristenfromwarsaw because every time you make a beautiful pic or gif of Saulus&Astarion it inspires me, but most of all it gives me the burning motivation to actually dare to write something about my Tav. Those mindblowing GIFs and other stuff just making me truly create a writing that I can put it into it every time. Hoping my writing deserves containing your creations. Thank you for making my inspiration bearing fruits through your pretty photography! These GIFs really gave me enough motivation, making me start to write this in the first place! 💛🧡💛

@alpydk I've had the feeling lately that you could use some fluff&comfort at the moment. Always remember: You deserve all the fluff&comfort in every aspect!

ɦσℓ∂ ɱε ωเƭɦσµƭ ɦµ૨ƭเɳɠ ɱε - 𝒜𝓈𝓉𝒶𝓇𝒾𝑜𝓃 & 𝒮𝒶𝓊𝓁𝓊𝓈

𝒜 𝒮𝒶𝓊𝓁𝓈𝓉𝒶𝓇𝒾𝑜𝓃 𝓡𝑜𝓂𝒶𝓃𝒸𝑒

"I don't know if I should see it as another curse, that there is hardly any suitable prey for me to find here in these Shadowlands, or as a blessing. After all, it allows me to drink my favorite drop from your enchanting neck so often," Astarion enthused, his voice as playful as a whole string quartet.

Even if it was a bit lost in Saulus’ deep neck, in which the vampire was already lost in anticipation.

"You know that it doesn't take a shadow curse to satisfy your thirst at me. Whenever necessary," the bard answered him, even though she knew that it was just another one of Astarion's wordy banter.

"Beware darling, we don't want you to become a bloodless degenerate. After all, this operation still needs your brain. As chaotic as it may be, you've come a long way and helped us out with your mouth so far very good... All of us, of course."

Astarion laughed smugly into her neck before he started again to spread kisses on the skin there.

That was the reason why Saulus had a harder time paying attention to his words and flirtatious teasing about her persuasion skills at the moment anyway. The way Astarion drank from her had changed considerably.

A lot had changed since the evening when the pale elf had approached her with a strange expression on his face and said that they had to talk.

They had finished off Yurgir the Orthon, so that Raphael could get more information about the pact that Saulusus had already translated. At least the part that was so cruelly carved into Astarion's back and that she had seen after their first night together.

After the encounter with the blood trader Araj Oblodra, the vampire had revealed to her even more about his past or much more the mental scars and traumas it had left him with.

He wanted to be honest with her from now on. Wanted there to be a "we" a “us” and they were more. They both had to find out what this might look like. Because until before the crash of the nautiloid ship, Astarion had not had the opportunity to decide for himself, to have something for himself.

But if there was a possibility of having a place in his heart, Saulus wanted to seize this opportunity with Astarion. He should think about what he really wanted. She, on the other hand, knew from the beginning that the sharp-tongued elf occupied a place in her heart and her whole mind, which she herself had liked to suppress until now. For what good were feelings and a heart overflowing with love, if one stood alone on the edge of a cliff? Jumping only made sense if you were caught and she didn't want to throw herself into the black, yawning, empty abyss of uncertainty.

Now every moment in which she could simply hold his hand already seemed so precious. Nevertheless, it still had to become clear how real this "we" actually was for both of them. How much of the night was left when the sun rose?

Even if the sun never rose at Moonrise Towers. Not yet.

The vampire's teeth brushed over her neck. Noticeable but not hurtful.

The weight of Astarion's body on her own was just as noticeable.

His skin cool on her own. But the longer they lay together, the warmer it seemed to her.

He took his time, didn't just bite her.

At first, the pale elf had taken off their clothes, because he said they didn't want one of the white clothes to get bloodstains. And when they lay on top of each other in their underwear, he didn't drive his teeth into her neck, but kissed it.

His teeth became more and more noticeable and Saulus curbed her shaky breath and hold it for a moment when finally his sharp fang cut into her skin.

"Careful, darling", he whispered in her ear again.

His right hand slid tenderly from her chest, over her collarbone, to her cheek, where his thumb lingered while his fingers lightly gripped the back of her head to gently hold her.

He held her like a lover, not like an undead animal that satisfied his bloodlust on her.

Finally, Astarion bit.

The tiefling bard sucked the air in a short sharp breath, at the pain that ran through her, grimaced under the pain until... until it stopped. The pain disappeared and she only felt Astarion's weight above her, his mouth on her neck and her beating heart mixed with his now loud breathing, his scent and the slightly blurred tent. It became a little unsteady in front of her eyes. But she perceived only one thing:

Saulus heard Astarion swallow, but much more she heard him moan into her neck. After every sip of her blood, which flowed down his throat like the nectar of life that he represented to all of them in the end, the pale elf expelled the air through his nose so as not to have to take his mouth off her throat.

The bard felt Astarion become heavier on top of her, pressing harder against her and his head burying itself even more in her neck.

A deep rumble slipped from his throat and every swallow that could have tickled her ear was covered with a comforting, louder "Mhhhhhhhh" that accompanied his unsteady, trembling exhalation.

The vampire's right hand drove harder into her hair, slid up to her forehead and briefly gripped the base of her left horn before his fingers buried themselves firmly in her hair.

The elf's weight was getting more and more on her and she felt him rolling his hips against hers.

"Astarion," Saulus tapped his shoulder.

"Ah," he exhaled with a comforting sigh after he had released his mouth from her neck with a slight smacking sound. Satisfied, he pushed the air out of his lungs, licked his lips to absorb every drop of the red.

"Oh darling."

Astarion wasn't done with her yet and his tongue slid over her neck before his lips kissed gently on the bite wound for a moment. After that, he kissed her collarbone and the left side of her neck still unusually stormy and firm.

"Could it be that you enjoy this a little too much?"

Saulus carefully put a hand between them and pushed the vampire back slightly.

"Huh?"

Astarion got up from the bard and sat up and only when she looked down at him demonstratively did he understand what she meant.

"Oh..."

His underwear, which had become a little too tight, showed that his midnight feast had torn him away a bit.

The elf just shrugged his shoulders with a grin: "It's hard not to enjoy it with you, darling. You know, slowing down isn't just quite my style. And your blood is just particularly delicious and aphrodisiac to me."

Astarion could grin as much coquettishly as he wanted and wiggle his leg, but the bard in front of him didn't seem satisfied with the answer. Because she wasn't either. She looked at him in silence for a few seconds before she asked seriously:

"Do you like any of it at all? I mean, we wanted to take it slow so you can figure out what you really want. Isn't it much more due to the consumption of blood from rational beings, no matter who it is?"

"Of course I like it. And there's no question about it with you," the elf assured her and straightened his back. He seemed to have noticed that he couldn't even smile away the topic quickly. Saulus was preoccupied with the whole thing. Everything he had said to her. She wanted to learn how to treat him in a new way. That this remained beautiful between them and never reminded him of anything from back then, as it had been with Araj.

"I've told you that before," Astarion added and raised his eyebrow a little. He probably believed that she didn't know this anymore.

Yes, he had told her it was different with her. Their nights had meaning and that he had been attracted to her, that she was beautiful. Nevertheless, his first impulse had been to use his body as a kind of pledge, to instinctively deceive her... What if he instinctively did something again that he didn't really want to do?

Emotionally, he had pushed her away so far, attracted her body. Now they wanted to do it differently. But just because you wanted it didn't mean it would work. Astarion had sounded so sure that night, desperate to tell her the truth, at any cost. No matter what it meant, she should know the truth. See how he really was. And at the same time, he had never sounded more insecure, so unsure and unkowing of what he actually wanted.

"Wait, let me fix this first" The pale elf reached for a handkerchief that he had carefully laid out beforehand and carefully pressed it onto the bard's bite wound before he took the Amulet of Silvanus, which lay next to it, in his hand.

"Te absolvo", Astarion spoke the spell of the Lesser Restoration and the wound had closed when he wiped the handkerchief over her neck again and then took it away. The blood loss had been compensated for and the dizziness had vanished and thus a conversation was more decent.

"Well, when I say it's different with you, I mean it. Drinking your blood is also unlike any other," the elf continued after he had sat back down, "being with you feels very different. It's beautiful. But I just thought if we slow down in the future, I won't act again... instinctive. I don't know what else someone wants in a relationship. So far, no one has ever wanted anything else from me. Always just own myself and use my body for their pleasure or advantage. I wasn't good for more."

A deep sigh escaped his throat and he looked down at the floor, "I wish it was easier that I could just be with you the way I want to. Without... without these feelings of my life so far."

"Can I make it easier for you somehow? Would you rather stay in distance from me?"

"These horns look quite cute and you can use them well to hold onto, but sometimes they seem a bit too heavy for your head," Astarion mocked and tapped her forehead and the cheeky rogue had returned to him, "otherwise you could think better and not spend time with dumb false fantasies. You took my words a little too seriously a few days ago or didn't understand them properly."

"Astarion... don't overdo it with your cheekiness," grumbled the tiefling like a hissing kitten and the elf just laughed amused, at the stubborn face she pulled. It was actually more endearing than intimidating. Even though he knew that it might not be a good idea to irritate her unconscious before going to bed, he was still sure that her conscious was so fond of her that nothing would happen to him.

Or?

The vampire leaned towards her and his ruby eyes sparkled cat-like as always, as if he wanted to jump. His lips against her ear did the rest, not to mention his murmuring voice:

"But darling, so far I've only ever gotten the impression that you enjoy my cheekiness very much. Not to mention..."

Her fingertips on his lips silenced him and Astarion blinked confusedly and was suddenly no longer a cat, but more the deer in the bright light. Saulus had leaned back and looked at him with a crooked smile and shook her head.

Grinning, Astarion took her hand from his mouth and nodded.

She didn't want to get involved in his games. He couldn't avoid a moment of honesty.

Why did she care so much about how she treated him and how he felt?

He would not necessarily have suspected this from someone who always seemed as carefree, nonchalant and cocky as Saulus. She had looked like fun. But with both of them, the fun seemed to have won over to seriousness. Only Astarion would have thought that his confession would change more in him and not in her. But her sincerity towards him seemed to have been correctly assessed by him from the beginning.

Someone who shined all over her face when she laughed and was thus amused by their common puns and her own sayings, recognized when someone only smiled with their mouth and not also with their eyes.

And Saulus had made it more than clear to him that it wasn't his looks and body that attracted her, but his mouth that interested her. The rest was a bonus. A wonderful bonus. But until now... it had always been the other way around. His presence had only been tolerated because of his looks or his words because of the promise of what his body could do.

"You seem to have taken my words a little too seriously. I didn't think you would," Astarion spoke before he made it clear again so that his little sorrowful little bracket could understand it: "No, I don't want any distance from you, actually not in any respect."

The vampire twisted his mouth a little and fished for the right words to explain it to her: "But don't you know that feeling that sticks to you? Even for a long time afterwards with people who have nothing to do with it? Have you never slept with someone before and regretted it afterwards?"

"Hmm... I do not know. Possibly, yes. I... I can't remember what happened before the crash," the Tiefling sighed deeply as Astarion looked at her expectantly with his head tilted.

"Sometimes I see it clearly in front of me: me on the stage of the tavern and above my scrolls. And then there's just this red curtain and this red noise in my ears. It all blurs as if it had never been real, but it also shows nothing of what should be real."

She shook her head resolutely with her black and red hair. "Never mind. Explain it to me, Astarion."

"I want to be with you in this physical way, feel and touch you. It has nothing to do with the fact that I don't want it and don't enjoy it. It's just... me and my body remember all the times with others that I didn't like. Of the bad touches that you didn't really want and then put up with. This sometimes only comes up in retrospect. I want to be with you in a different way than with the people before. Nevertheless... I don't know anything else than that. And I don't want to reel off my same scheme with you anymore, I'm afraid to do that. Because then I think of...", Astarion grimaced.

Saulus knew this expression from him. He always stepped on Astarion's face when he talked about his life with Cazador so far and didn't really want to put it in his mouth anymore. On the one hand, the pale elf wanted to forget it, but on the other hand, it never let him go. He himself could not let go yet. If it hadn't been until the second Cazador had taken his last breath. Even after that, Saulus wasn't sure if Astarion could let go. With Cazador, the pain and injustice would not be buried.

"I just want to learn to be with you – in any way I can – and free from bad thoughts about the past."

The bard smiled at him. They were nice words from Astarion. Honest words. She appreciated it very much when he could be like that to her. As much as she appreciated his exaggerated appearance and sarcasm, sometimes it made her angry when the vampire almost obsessively covered up every spark of serious thoughts and feelings.

Saulus wanted to give Astarion what he wanted. That was hard for her when she had to think around a thousand corners to see what he really needed for his peace of mind. Because very often people don't want what's good for them. And Saulus couldn't stand it if she did something that would really make Astarion angry or sad.

The vampire lowered his gaze and sighed slightly, "But maybe that's only possible when he's dead once and for all... for good."

Warm hands were suddenly on his and Astarion looked into the friendly smiling face of the bard, who had sat knee to knee, very close to him.

"You weren't touched the way you really would have liked and, above all, always with the aim of sex and not getting emotionally close to you."

Taking by force.

Saulus carefully put her arms around Astarion and pulled him into her warm embrace. He felt how she gave him time to relax and let his own body flow into her gentle form.

"Then just tell me how you would like to be touched, so that your heart feels me," her words glided gently and warmly over his neck with her breath, to which her living presence was so close at the moment that she only needed to whisper softly.

"I... I...", Astarion faltered and his gaze wandered restlessly through the tent, while in reality his eyes were turned inwards and searched within him for an answer, "... I don't know."

The blazing Tiefling eyes looked at him after Saulus had leaned back a little to see his now slightly cramped face covered with gloom. He was telling the truth when he looked like that.

"You're the first to hold me without hurting me."

The eyes with the small flames looked at him in astonishment. Saulus was surprised by his words... at least as much as they stung in her chest.

Astarion was honest with her. But there was also a lot of bitterness and darkness in his eyes, with which he had spoken the words.

"Just like you would be the first to care for what I want. You're the first to want to know what I want, what I really want."

It cost the elf’s self-control not to drop the topic immediately with a sarcastic line. Especially with the expression on the bard's face. This depressed compassion... Astarion was too bitter inside and therefore couldn't decide whether he should be grateful for it or whether he should hate it.

She shouldn't feel pity for him... but on the other side, she should. Astarion wanted for others to understand his pain, to see how the world for him was the last 200 hundred years. The problem was, that in his opinion, they would never ever understand. He was alone there, no one came to save him, like he once already said to Saulus.

No heroes, no blades, no nothing.

The vampire felt the bard's face nuzzling into neck. He literally felt the loving smile on her lips. Her arms held him very close to her again. Warm and protective, although he was actually bigger and stronger than her. Even though Astarion didn't feel that way.

Saulus held him close to her, as if she wanted the hearts of both of them to melt together. Perhaps his cold, undead heart would then warm up.

Astarion closed his eyes and lowered his head. He also felt her closeness and the warmth of her cuddly body.

It was quiet. It was silent. It was beautiful.

The rogue only heard her very soft breathing, the nature around the tent and the pounding of Saulus’ heart. At that moment there were only the two of them. He could breathe her life into his lungs, which she exuded lovingly. The scent of lily, jasmine, blackberry emanating from her hair enveloped his nose benevolently. The taste of lilac, pomegranate, cocoa, gooseberries and grapes of her skin was still on his tongue and impregnated his lungs with her perfume like the air he breathes. Her essence dug under his skin, into his insides and probably for a long time into his heart. Saulus had smiled her way into his heart. Radiant as the sunshine. Laughed and cuddled like daylight on his skin.

Her head kept rubbing against his neck like a cat, brushing his skin with her forehead and nose as if she wanted to bury herself even further in it. His arms pressed her closer to him more instinctively. As if he could show her the true thoughts of his heart with it, if only she were close enough to it. Astarion would have crawled into her if that were possible. Because when he opened his mouth... then at some point it came back, this panicked untouched fuss. It meant survival for him.

Even though he saw now that she and her blood meant life to him and apparently... she seemed to wouldn't let him go again neither.

Slowly, very slowly, they leaned back a little to be able to look at each other again.

"I want this. I want you. Until now, every day of my life was just... simply not mine. You keep going and going... you just don't know how to stop", explained Astarion with lowered voice.

Saulus nodded knowingly.

"I have an idea", she smiled with the friendly smile that had Astarion made believe that she might be naïve and that made him falling for her more and more, "what if we find out together what you like. If you want to. We don't have to of course, we just can be together like... friends. No touching."

"No don't go away. I want to be near you. It feels nice," Astarion snapped immediately.

A gentle smile settled on the Tiefling's lips in response.

"But promise me to let me know, when it stops feeling nice. It is ok. We both have to learn. "

Astarion nodded and looked at her almost expectantly. In fact, he was curious to see what she would do, what she could think of his liking and bringing them closer.

It was not an easy task for him to learn to feel his body again and to discover it for himself after all the years of abuse and torture. The pale elf was grateful that Saulus was willing to walk this path so patiently with him.

The silverhead sat down quite comfortably and leaned back on the cushions. Saulus was very close to him, so close that he not only smelled her perfume, but also perceived her soft breath and literally heard the beat of her heart.

"Just tell me, give me sign, when you don't like it. Don't perform no longer. No more. Ever."

"Oh darling, but I am so good at performing", grinned Astarion like a shark.

"Leave performances to me as bard," she joked back.

"Oh dear, but I am so much better at performing."

She openend her mouth in shock about that burn and then they laughed together. The Tiefling loved his sassy cheeky punchlines. They understood the sarcastic exchange of blows for what it was.

"Let me try this..." The two then pushed the jokes aside and Saulus gently put her hand against Astarion's cheek before her fingers danced filigree to his left ear. The tips of her fingers then breathed the hint of a touch against the delicate skin on the helix of his pointed auricle.

Saulus noticed Astarion holding his breath for a moment, while her fingers continued to stroke delicately down to his Antitragus and finally lovingly caressed his earlobe.

The elf closed his eyelids and sealed his ruby vampire eyes behind them. His shoulders sank back a little further, but he didn't move his head an inch.

Her index finger gently ran back the pointed arc of Astarion's ear helix, while her thumb and middle finger followed the same path and gently stroked the skin.

Finally, her fingers continued to dance over the tip of his ear behind the crus helicis over the tragus, then tenderly stroking the arch of the antitragus and tragus at the same time. From there, her delicate fingertips glided to the inner smaller arch of the anthelix and lovingly and caressingly traced its shape.

Astarion giggled briefly and shrugged his shoulders "That tickles"

"Is it good?"

"Yes, you can endure it. It's not entirely bad," he shrugged his shoulders and wrinkled his nose playfully unaffected.

"Oh... well then" Saulus took her hand away and leaned back a little.

"Hey!" Astarion opened his eyes wide and looked at her in protest. “No! Where are you going? Don't stop!" he grumbled immediately.

Grinning to herself, she shook her head briefly: "Good."

The elf immediately posed again and closed his eyes again and Saulus continued to stroke the thin skin of the scapha of his auricle with her fingertips.

Astarion's face visibly relaxed, and the Tiefling could see his lips curling and twitching when she touched a particularly tender spot. The breath of the vampire with the white curls was calm, very careful and when he exhaled he sometimes sighed a little relaxed.

Lovingly and gently, her fingers glided again and again over the shape of his ear: downwards and upwards - the fingertips or the sides of her fingers as if they were dancing on the surges of waves or playing the strings of one of her instruments, making them sound caressively.

As quietly as possible, the bard slid to his right side to give the same attention to Astarion's right ear.

Under faltering quiet breaths of Astarion, the Tiefling bard tenderly stroked from his ear slowly down to his neck. The flames of her eyes had fallen on the bite marks on Astarion's neck.

Another trace of his past. Another scar he wore. Scars that he himself never saw in the mirror. But... did they hurt him when he touched them? Because they hurt his soul?

Saulus wanted Astarion's body to belong only to him from now on. Only him alone. No memories of anything or anyone else. He should be free. Free to live. Free to feel.

Her fingers wrote a poem on his skin. Astarion sensed that. He could not understand and read the words, but he felt them. He felt her touch of silk, in his ears and the beats of his heart a sound of an unsung song, and on his lips the memories of the taste of champagne, strawberries, honey, cinnamon, and grape lemonade.

The words of a poem that he didn't need to understand, then the words of her caressing fingers caressing the contours of his neck, excitingly touching his carotid artery, that was a language Astarion understood best.

Her fingers deliberately danced to the bite marks on the right side of his throat to caress them attentively and massage them gently. Astarion twitched very briefly and hold is breath for a second, but when the Tiefling's lips rested on the skin of his neck, a short pleasant shiver ran over his entire skin.

Saulus’ lips lovingly rested on his bite wounds and began to kiss them tenderly.

Gentle so gentle.

Again and again her full, warm lips lay on the marks... the marks of his death and possessions. With the wonderful little sound of separating skin, her soft lips parted from his pale elf skin. Short cold and then again the wonderful warmth of her kisses.

All of a sudden, the bite wounds were no longer marks of possession, they were simply a part of his throat that was given wonderful attention.

And if it were up to Astarion, she would never have been able to stop.

He felt only her and he felt only the wonderful tenderness. The shiver and the pulses of electricity that she sent through his skin, his nerves, his whole body.

Warmth seemed to flood through him, as if her lips would breathe life into him with every kiss on his neck, on his bite marks, her life and new life for him.

The elf did not open his eyes once.

Even after Saulus had finished and looked at him expectantly, it took a few moments for Astarion to open his eyes again. A slight smile could be seen on his lips.

"I think this is something I like", he said.

"You think?"

"I am pretty sure. But don't imagine anything about the two of us, I..."

Again, the implied fingertips of Saulus on his lips silenced him. Her hand fell down, over his shoulders to his back, where she ran her hands up the ridges of his scars, over those lines of infernal letters. Carved into his skin forever.

Saulus looked at it perplex and wondering.

"What is it?", Astarion wanted to know.

"Nothing," the Tiefling quickly shook her head, knowing that it would only make him angry.

"What about my back?" the Vampire didn't let go.

"Please don't be mad at me," Saulus sighed and was already preparing to got scolded "but sometimes I just forget that the scars are there. I know you, on the other hand, you never will forget."

She already avoided his gaze: "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry," he said after a while and the bard dared to raise her head again, looked surprised into red vampire eyes.

"You're the only one of us who can see these scars, and yet they never cease to surprise you. And yes, I will never forget that they are there. I always feel it. Now the question is whether I attach too much importance to them or you too little."

A slight shadow had returned to his face. His scars continued to be a painful issue. Just as everything that had some kind of meaning to do with Cazador was painful. But Astarion hadn't shut her out this time.

The bard's Tiefling eyes looked at the scars on Astarion's back for a moment, but there was no pity, no regret or anything else in her eyes and the vampire recognized that too. He wrinkled his brow questioningly.

"Lie on your stomach," she said so suddenly that Astarion still couldn't follow her.

"I begging you pardon? What for?"

"I want to try that you might get a different relationship to your scars. You feel them differently... just feel your body again. Would you like that?"

"And what do you have in mind, Darling?" asked the silverhead after he had already laid down on his stomach and blinked up at Saulus in anticipation.

"Do you prefer it warm or cool?", Saulus’ question left Astarion no less surprised.

"Hmm... well, aince my own body is always very cold, I would prefer warm, I would think," he answered her honestly calculated and the vampire continued to watch with a puzzled look as the bard began to rummage in her utensils.

"Relax, make yourself comfortable," he heard her say in his direction and so Astarion snuggled up in the pillows and blankets and just waited.

The bard returned with brushes, her ink and paint. In addition, candles and bowls - all of which she set up next to Astarion.

The elf with the white curly head understood more or less what she was up to.

"Would it be okay for you if I traced the lines? Maybe then you can perceive them a little differently. Associate something nice with it."

"So far, you've been right. Let's try it."

The head with the silver hair now rested on his folded arms. The lit candle lingered under the bowl into which Saulus dripped her writing ink from the vial before her hand hovered selectively over her brushes.

"Say right away if you don't like it."

"I'm not that fragile, my Sweet."

"I know that you are not a rose in the rain, bending until too many raindrops smash it and scatter all its petals into the storm. Nevertheless, I want to take care of you."

"Is someone poetic again and writes the next ballad in her head? When you write about me, give due credit to my fabulousness, yes? I mean, when you look so good, it's worth a few songs."

Saulus rolled her eyes: "Astarion... I hope you don't really believe that your appearance is your only quality. Because honestly, for someone who doesn't have a mirror image, he should concentrate on something else."

"Are you getting cheeky again?"

"Excuse me, but being cheeky is my quality if you drive me to do it," the Tiefling grinned challengingly all over her face.

"All right, maybe I really overdid it and annoyed you too much. Don't let yourself be disturbed. Keep going. I'll let you know if it doesn't feel good."

The slender bard fingers with the sharpened Tiefling nails reached for the brushes. She deliberately chose a brush with scrutinizing eyes and its soft hair soon nestled against Astarion's neck, his shoulder blades and on to his back, where she first began to stroke the lines of his scars with the velvet brush hair.

The pale elf was still shivering with delicate tingling and tickling. His whole scalp seemed pleasantly stimulated, down to his hind head and finally along the neck and upper spine to his muscular shoulder area.

The fine brush hairs breathed an extraordinary feeling on the smooth ivory skin, which immediately turned into exciting waves and tingling. As if you were being massaged with pure cashmere on your bare skin. So exquisite.

"Is that good?" the bard asked.

"Mhm," the white-haired high elf nodded, only resting his head on his hands.

The brush now dipped into the warmed writing ink and then found its tip again on Astarion's skin. The infernal letters were now neatly repainted by Saulus, point by point, stroke by stroke, line by line.

The tickling brush tip with the warm ink on his cool skin felt like a gentle electrostatic discharge. The feeling was not limited to the passages of the infernal letters that Saulus warmly traced. No, the sensation of the wave flooded Astarion's whole body.

"Mhhhhmmm," Astarion sighed pleasantly in between and turned his head a little, "Is that what you do in hell? Is that some exotic infernal sex technique you got from there?" he teased her again with his playful voice.

"You know very well that I have never been to hell. The lineage of devils and demons is so long ago. Even if I did, I can hardly remember anything and seem to belong somewhere else when I listen to the little cryptic that Sceleritas Fel tells. As we know from Karlach, the smell of hell doesn't leave you so easily."

"Sceleritas?" Astarion grimaced questioningly.

"The butler I told you about."

"Ah. The little bloodthirsty butler who whispers murder in your ear. But you don't seem to be afraid of him or hate him."

"No, I actually think he's quite funny with his hat and the way he talks."

"It's funny that no one but you have seen him yet, darling." A crooked grin adorned Astarion's lips and he revealed his fangs. "Really, sometimes you could almost think you're making him up him like an imaginary friend."

"Nobody saw me kill the bard either, and yet it happened," Saulus answers matter-of-factly but a little stiffly. The thing with Alfira hung over her and no one should think that she was a bloodthirsty lunatic. Something was going on, but she didn't know what because the damn butler didn't spit out a useful word.

“Oh, I’ve seen how you can easily take out an entire bandit camp in one fight. It's more than just real how great you are with the crossbows. But instead of talking about what seems more realistic, tell me what secret tiefling sex practices you have hidden from me so far. What else are you hiding up your sleeve?"

"Astarion!", Saulus reprimanded him playfully and laughed, "Stop it! Otherwise, I'll smudge the ink."

So the pale elf just enjoyed the brushstrokes with the warm writing ink again and actually began to feel his back differently somehow. At first it had been a little strange, but only the first few seconds. But after that he had relaxed, relaxed his head, followed his body, because the skin on his back had immediately liked the caressing, gentle strokes.

So Astarion perceived only Saulus, her closeness, her touches.

The warmth in the tent and the flickering and the scent of the candles.

"Does it bother you?" Astarion asked suddenly.

"What?"

"That my body is so cold..."

"No. When we're together, you don't feel cold, I think. If so, then pleasant. And even if... Maybe I have a flame of Avernus in me after all and I'm warm enough for both of us."

Saulus smiled lovingly down at him before she rewrote the infernal pact again with complete concentration. Because for her it was that: writing.

Just as she had been able to read it from the beginning. Read what Astarion hadn't seen and didn't know what it actually was.

"Cazador made you all believe that it was a poem, you told me," Saulus said after a while in the middle of it, continuing to trace the lines on Astarion's back with precision, as if she were being paid for it, "how about... if I really write a poem on your back. You know, to symbolically paint over it, rewrite it..."

"I can follow your great theatrical bardic logic, darling. Go ahead... if you want to write a poem about me to pour out your heart and confess your infinite love for me, don't force yourself. But if you write about me, then also mention my beauty properly," Astarion concluded in a speech as theatrically emphasized as always. A stage actor had been lost in him. He just couldn't resist to tease Saulus again.

She didn't like him making jokes about love. But Saulus knew what was meant. And unfortunately Astarion was right: she liked it when he teased her and made fun of her. Saulus lived for sarcastic verbal battles.

"Of course Astarion, don't worry. You don't expect the sunset to admire you back."

"Ha exactly," he grinned contentedly like the sunset until he noticed that she might not have complimented him after all. "Hey wait!", his face grimaced gremlin like "Am I the sunset or you with your writing?"

The vampire clicked his tongue and his eyes sparkled cat-like again: "Cheeky little pupp!" It was more a praise than a reprimand from his mouth.

Thus rolled off his tongue, everything was praise for Saulus.

The man purred like a cat and his voice was ecstasy turned into words.

Saulus smiled, which Astarion of course couldn't see. She had already written poems and ballads about him. All safely stored in her bard book. Tightly closed and a secret to herself. She wouldn't put it on his nose.

Especially after some of her scrolls of poetry that she had written for bard competitions she had always participated in disappeared after Volo came to the camp...

"Done," Saulus put the last point to conclude the paragraph of the infernal pact. But it wasn't anymore. She hadn't really read it either. She had rather painted for herself. She had looked at Astarion. His back. His scars. What they meant to him. What he felt, had felt.

And always just the hope that he could now feel something different.

Warmth.

Caressing touch.

Gentle guidance.

"Oh...", Astarion needed a while before he moved again and lifted his head up.

"Have you fallen into a meditative trance?" asked Saulus.

"I relaxed."

"So it was okay? Did it feel good?"

"I already said that I am open to your exotic little Tiefling secrets," the vampire grinned.

"Stop the teasing, Astarion!", laughed the bard about the incorrigible rogue.

"Give me a moment, before I clean you up, alright?"

So the vampiric elf made himself comfortable again, while the bard put her utensils back to her writing stuff. Then she soaked a cloth with water and slowly wiped the ink off Astarion's back again and then carefully patted him dry with a towel.

A giggle suddenly escaped the white-haired vampire's throat as Saulus’ nails lightly hit his sides and he rolled around on his back.

"Wait... there are still a few drops," Saulus said and grinned from ear to ear, trying to keep a laugh to herself.

The bard gently wiped the last drops of water from Astarion's skin that had run from his sides to his belly, while the white curly head giggled softly again under the gentle touches behind pressed lips.

"You squeal at least as much as the owlbear cub when you tickle its tummy."

"Pah! Not at all," snorted the elf.

"I'm sorry, of course not." The grin on her lips, which was difficult to suppress, took the credibility out of her words. Saulus briefly tucked a strand of black hair with red interwoven streaks behind her ear, before she bent down and breathed an apologetic kiss on Astarion's belly button.

Astarion's lips pressed together in tension as Saulus suddenly slid down and lay down between his legs. With an incredible timidity, her hands rested at the sides of his hips and rested on his pale, smooth skin.

Astarion's smooth, flawless elf skin. A skin that Saulus had often admired.

Because Astarion was everything she wasn't.

He was a High elf, she was a Tiefling... somewhere a descent from the depths of the hells and in reality... maybe even worse.

But she didn't think of that. That didn't count.

It only counted the present. Only him.

Astarion and her lips on his skin.

He sucked in the air sharply as her head sank below his belly button onto his silky soft skin. Lips that nestled just as softly on it left a warm and gentle kiss on it.

That was all that Saulus did all evening:

She touched him with such care, tenderness, velvety caressing.

Fondling, kissing.

It was never there in any way to arouse him or stimulate him further.

Only tender caresses.

Tensely and attentively, he watched as the bard leisurely loosened her lips in order to deliberately press them back onto his skin a centimetre away, so that no spot remained unkissed. Her filigree fingers always lay exactly next to where her lips had been before. An interplay as if she were composing a song on his skin again, which probably only she really understood. Because Astarion could only feel it.

Felt her kisses and delicate fingers breathe a blanket of silk onto his pale, smooth skin. It was so incredibly gentle and Saulus really made an effort because every one of her elegant movements was made conscious.

Astarion saw it when she returned to his navel and kissed down, how carefully she took care not to go too far with her head and lips.

And she kissed herself again up to his sides and her hands lay with graceful fingers, with pointed nails so gently to his sides that it glided like a gentle breeze. Her lips warm on his skin, her thumbs stroking softly his skin.

It was all so harmless.

Tame.

Good-natured.

Sensitive.

Careful. Affectionate. Tender.

All words Astarion did not know in his life.

He had always been an attentive, intimate lover, yes. But only to... well....the outcome was known.

But nothing had been peaceful and velvety like Saulus’ touch. Nevertheless, so intense and electrifying. Her lips kissing a trace just below his belly button and her hands following them like the moon following the sund.

Her fingers felt like the feathers of angelic wings. How could these hands, which had literally torn another bard to shreds in an unconscious trance, be so gentle and loving? It seemed almost unreal to Astarion when he thought about it. But it was so, and for him she was always much more his angel than a violent devil. Even if he wasn't stupid enough that he didn't know that you had to keep an eye on dark tendencies. Especially when dark inclinations were accompanied by strange, invisible butlers.

It was all a bit unreal how he watched her in her tender actions and tried not to be overwhelmed by this pleasant feeling.

A smile upon her face, a gentle brush against his brow and soft kiss on his forehead – and the Tiefling bard and the pale rogue with the undead eyes sat together like the night began.

She had finished her "spoiling program" and Saulus had very much hoped to have read all his signs and body language correctly, so she could only rely on him to be honest with her.

That Astarion had really liked it and that he would have told her if it hadn't been like that. She had to be able to rely on it. Because the thought that it was different... it really made Saulus sick inside.

He laughed at her because she his words too seriously? Well, just the thought that she could be like one of his victims, people he despised and had therefore seduced and taken with him, he had endured, yes that really turned her stomach.

That Astarion would ever again do something he didn't want, that he thought as little of himself as he had spoken of himself in the night, that he should have just bitten the blood merchant for the potion. She didn't want to hear that and never wanted to see the expression on his face again. But she didn't want to see any lies on his face either. She loves his theatricality. But not the overplaying and lying. And she had noticed relatively early on that something was going on with him that he was hiding, but she had ignored it because she had trusted that he would talk to her.

Saulus looked at him suddenly unusually serious, after they sat together again.

"I assume that you will be honest with me in the future. I understand that sometimes you don't know what you really want and what is good for you. I try to understand what is good for you so that I can avoid unpleasant things right away. 'Cause hurting you in any way is absolutely the last thing I want. I never want to be the reason you feel uncomfortable. I couldn't stand that."

"My my, look who is all lovey-dovey with me," Astarion's lips pulled up in a mocking manner and his eyes flashed under his sharp-tongued comment.

"Keep up talking like that and I'll think about it again and take it back," Saulus grumbled angrily and grimaced so that her Tiefling eyes sparkled grumpily under her horns.

"Haha, that's nothing you can take back, Darling," the pale elf just laughed and was visibly enjoying himself.

The more Saulus grimaced and looked like a cross between a stubborn cat and a baby goat, the more Astarion had to laugh smugly. He found her angry face only wonderful. Nay, if she did not aim a crossbow at one, or pluck her lyra strings to let loose a malicious spell, he would find her angry face only dearest.

Even though he had a hard time trusting, he could hardly believe that this woman would ever hurt him. Someone who had a fit of laughter when someone received a real insult, but had half tears in her eyes when he didn't want to cuddle with her and the owlbear, because the cub disturbed his meditation with his whistling at night.

"Astarion, I'm serious! I just want to take care of you and I also want you to take more care of yourself. It goes without saying that I want to protect you from injury in battle. But even so, I want to protect you from unpleasant things if I can. But I can only do that if you are honest with me and I know how you feel, how you really feel. Vulnerability is not a weakness," Saulus’ words became more and more vigorous and you could see that alone in her determined, dogged expression. She was damn serious and talked herself into a bit of a rage, because she believed that Astarion just didn't want to understand her. It wasn't a joke for her.

None of that.

She didn't find anything funny about it when it came to the things that depressed Astarion. And they did. Except that after his confession, the vampire immediately put his mask back over it.

"I just want to protect you from unpleasant things, whether physical or emotional. No matter from whom, no matter how. Because that's what you do, for people that you...care for."

Saulus bit her lip hard.

She had talked herself a little too much into a rage.

She almost said 'for people that you love'. She was just able to pause.

To speak of love now would definitely be too early, she knew that. That would overwhelm Astarion.

But since his confession and his question if she really wanted to try to have something like a decent relationship with him, he had opened the floodgates for her own feelings, which she had apparently closed so carefully.

Since Astarion had seen nothing in them but a little fun, she hadn't let it mean anything more to her. At least that's what she had said to herself. Perhaps she had lied to herself more than the vampire had lied to her, if she believed this herself. She had simply ignored as long as Astarion was around every day that it was his smile that she secretly got up for every morning.

After all, she had only been waiting to end this loose game after he had spoken to her. And you could only immediately and willingly commit yourself to someone if you were already in love with him. And she has been since the first moment.

Now that she knew that her feelings were not unrequited, they were not just loitering around somewhere in her heart and in the form of songs and poems. No, Saulus was well aware that she would do anything for Astarion. Absolutely everything. Because he meant so much to her.

"Keep spoiling me like this and I don't know how to return the favor," smiled the rogue mischievously.

"Since when have you been so selfless? Besides, I've told you before that you don't have to return the favor if I do something for you. I don't expect anything in return, that's not why I do it.”

"Oh... so you are always at my service without getting anything in return? Watch out, otherwise I'll become even more self-indulgent."

He winked and before the bard had any retaliation ready, Astarion carefully pulled Saulus by her hand to him.

"Come here..."

Saulus was about to say something and opened her mouth to counter Astarion's endless sarcasm of the evening, but when he pulled her towards him and spread his arms, she silenced.

Gently and kindly, the vampire embraced her in his arms. Astarion was always cold and yet Astarion was always warm.

The bard was probably almost as surprised as the vampire himself, a few days earlier when she hugged him during their conversation to show him without words that he was important to her.

It surprised her, because at that very moment it seemed to her, as if Astarion had forgotten what a hug was all these years ago. As if he had to learn how to do it again. After her initial surprise, Saulus snuggled into the hollow of his neck.

She felt him and inhaled his scent of bergamot, rosemary and brandy.

She stroked his skin with her nose and took everything from him deep inside her.

A hug could often be more heartfelt and intimate than sex. It was what you wanted much more, to be close to your partner.

Their hearts were close together. Astarion's undead vampire heart, which worked in its own way. In every sense.

Full of pain, hate, grief, envy, sadness, anger and yet still carrying the spark of hope and love within it. Still fighting. Always fighting. Always beating.

Next to it was Saulus’ heart, somehow forged in the fires of Avernus between Asmodeus and Zariel and perhaps even more between love, songs, flowers, blood and wine. Her head was as full of holes as it was full of songs.

All the touches...touches, caresses that didn't hurt. Nobody held him by force. Nobody held him close even though Astarion just wanted to get away, pressed him to the ground with a weight that he didn't want to feel.

No, he held Saulus close to him. Wanted to feel her body, her warmth, her closeness. He wanted to be held by her. Closer. Closer. Tighter.

It didn't hurt. It felt good.

It pushed away all the thoughts, all the memories of unpleasant touches.

Suddenly there was only her.

Her tender, loving, patient touches.

She was the first to hold him and touch him without hurting him and Astarion noticed that he wanted her to never let go.

“I may not be very seriously going through life: Laughing, joking, giggling, making love”, started Saulus to explain herself very sincerely to him, “but believe me, I will do and won't do anything for you. When you understand. Just say the word and I will burn down this world to ashes or lock myself up in a cage.” Blazing flames in the true Tiefling eyes of Saulus.

Not flames of Avernus, flames of sincerity. Her heart close to his chest, his beating yet undead heart. Brought back to life. More alive than ever, since he had known her. His cold hand on her warm dusk-gray cheek.

Nothing but truth in her expression.

She might actually burn the world down for him, or throw herself into the darkness…just to protect him. From others. Or from herself.

“Oh my dear, that we won’t my darling. Won’t we? If so, it is me that will lock you up in a cage.”

His charming voice whispered from his throat and was perhaps worse than any spell could have been. Confusing and possessing the mind forever.

“You worry about what you would be willing to do for me? That it makes you angry that someone could hurt me? Well, my cute little lamb, I'll only start to worry about that when you stop making hold to help and adopting every gnome that comes along."

"Tell me... what's it with you and gnomes?" Saulus raised a thin eyebrow and tilted her head. "Something happened, didn't it? I mean, this isn't the first time you've said something like that. Admit it... you don't like them because you had to bend down so low to seduce them and it made your knees hurt!"

Astarion had overdone the teasing for this evening and Saulus had finally had enough of not giving him a counterattack. After all, they both lived for taunting arguments. But they preferred it when they could fool others together. (Gale in particular had had to endure that many times)

"How dare you?!" Astarion stuck his chin up in the air insulted and piqued about her gnome comment. “Someone should wash out that dirty mouth of yours thoroughly.”

“Oh yes? And who should have the means to do that?”

“I know exactly how to handle bad girls, my dear,” the elf whispered in his seductive voice that was no less sweet than honey. His red eyes sparkled like an ocean of rubies, but also like a wild cat in the night. His lips now much closer to her face and her ears, his dashing smile on his elf face literally cut the tension to shreds again.

“Do I want to know?”

“Well…it depends…it depends on what you like and what you don’t like. But knowing you…you’re open to anything. Your fabulous screams should still be ringing in the ears of the priest of Loviatar,” purred Astarion.

"Or..." Saulus interjected and the Tiefling snuggled into Astarion's neck again, the tip of her nose caressing his skin, "...or we carry on with this."

The cold vampire was the warmest thing there was for her. The tent in the middle of the shadow cursed land like an enclave of light, love and warmth of heart. As if the light could shine from there into the whole world. Well, at least it illuminated Saulus' whole soul.

Finally, she laid her head on his shoulder, her eyes closed, her arms around him.

"I really like that," she just had to whisper.

"Me too," Astarion whispered back, his crimson eyes resting behind his lids with long eyelashes. His white curls rested against Saulus' head with black hair that was interspersed with red strands, making it look more violet.

Astarion didn't need his eyes to see her in front of him. Her silhouette was already burned into his mind's eye. A beautiful memory that hopefully nothing could take away from him. With his arms around her shoulders, he pulled her close to him and he just had to feel her.

Her closeness.

Her warmth.

Her affection.

All the love she showed him.

Patience.

Attention.

Her laughter.

Her nonsense. Her voice. Her music.

Her life.

Her life that she let him drink. Willingly offered.

The tenderness of her hands and even more so of her eyes. Her lips, when she sometimes said such incredibly lovable and sweet things that he couldn't believe how someone so cute and naive could still exist...or then again be so cheeky.

It was hard for Astarion to see that he deserved all of this.

200 years in the dirt.

Torture, dirt and humiliation.

Pure hatred. A circle of violence and hatred.

And suddenly he was lying here in the tent with this Tiefling bard, cuddled up together. Heart to heart. Holding her hand and not really knowing what to do with it.

With himself.

With her.

With all of this and the feelings.

So much had happened, so much in such a short time. That's how it was for all of them. Astarion was used to people always expecting things from him. But Saulus...she didn't expect anything that he couldn't give her. For her it was okay to just see what the next day brought.

So Astarion just held Saulus in his arms and let her hold him tight. Head to head.

Dream to dream.

Uncertain future to uncertain future.

Shoulder to shoulder.

Unsteady undead heart to unsteady pulsating heart.

"We should try to get some restful sleep anyway," the Tiefling remarked.

"Which is a difficult thing in these lands anyway..." sighed Astarion and the white-haired elf stretched, slid down and began to stretch on the bard's lap almost like a cat, "...with all the strange noises echoing through the darkness, nightmares are the only thing that nestle in your head."

The vampire snuggled his head into Saulus' lap, his eyes already closed again, muttering his words to himself and the bard didn't know whether he just liked to complain or whether he meant it seriously. Because Astarion seemed pretty sleepy to her, the way he had snuggled up next to her.

But...she didn't like the word nightmare. "How should someone get a good night's sleep or find a meditative trance that way," he continued to grumble.

"But..." suddenly one of the ruby-red eyes opened again with a crooked grin, "...maybe you have something up your Tiefling sleeve to calm my head and mind."

A knowing laugh accompanied Saulus' fingertips, which tapped over his forehead to his temples, then cheeks and finally carefully stroked his head, which Astarion snuggled contentedly against her.

Just as her hands carefully played around his white curls, a very quiet melodious humming gradually danced around his pointed elf ears. A melody slipped from the bard's throat and the humming made her chest vibrate gently.

As she stroked Astarion's forehead with her fingertips, lost in thought, and occasionally very carefully ran her fingers through the roots of his curly hair, her head and vocal cords remembered Alfira's song. The hummed Weeping Dawn glided through the tent.

"Are you humming The Weeping Dawn?" the elf asked in disbelief.

"Oh, I'm sorry..." he pulled her out of his thoughts and Saulus stopped immediately, "but it really is a catchy tune."

"Is that the real reason why you killed Alfira? Because you were jealous that she wrote such a beautiful song? Even if only with your help... and my present inspiring beauty of a muse, of course..." Astarion joked, grinning provocatively across his face.

"Definitely not! At least not consciously. I mean, it was an accident..." Saulus protested, but immediately pulled a face like a bear that had been caught with its paw in a jar of honey. Unlike Astarion, she didn't find what had happened funny at all.

“You sing much more beautifully than she did anyway,” Astarion shrugged his shoulders casually, snuggled up again and wrinkled his nose as a sign that he didn’t really care. Or that he wanted her to believe that.

“You think my singing is beautiful?” the Tiefling asked almost in disbelief.

"Which isn't difficult, after all she sang terribly. And yes, I think you sing very beautifully," Astarion whispered just loud enough for both of them to hear, but quiet enough for him to deny it again if she asked.

Saulus didn't mind his constant sarcasm. That was their way of dealing with each other.

A happy smile spread from her lips across her whole face at his compliment.

“Sometimes I remember a life as a bard. Music and performances.

It seems at least as real as it seems like a mirage.

And then there's this red carnage in my head and then emptiness. Nothing but blackness."

"Oh oh little love... You don't have to act even more mysterious because of me, I already like you," Astarion joked in his typical tone of voice for these kind sayings.

“We’ll find out more at some point.”

The elf snuggled back into her lap and found his perfect “meditation hollow” again.

“Sing me one of your songs instead, I’m sure I like them better anyway,” Astarion murmured with his eyes already closed.

“I don’t know. I think she did a perfect job with the song. She didn’t even need our help, the words were inside her the whole time,” Saulus had nothing but admiration for The Weeping Dawn.

“I want to hear one of your songs,” the vampire’s voice from her lap sounded a little clearer than before. His tone had become more nuanced. It might only have been half an octave lower, but it betrayed Saulus sincerity and he moved away from his banter, where you never knew how much of it was just for show and how much was actually meant.

“Gladly,” a gentle smile played around her lips. Her fingertips gently stroked Astarion's forehead and the Tiefling saw his lips and the tips of his nose curl briefly and he exhaled relaxedly. Her eyes wandered over the pale skin of his face, over bite marks on his neck.

The lids with the light eyelashes relaxed over his animalistic, crimson vampire eyes. A soft, melodic humming came from the bard's throat and remained behind closed lips.

And while her eyes looked at each of his curls, her fingers played between them as delicately as if they were the strings of her lyre. Saulus followed the wavy curve of his hair while she stroked his curls soothingly, as she had previously stroked the arches and curves of his pointed ears. Humming, she stroked Astarion's hair as if she wanted to play a duet with the waves of the sea.

The scent of the candle and her warm ink, paired with Astarion's own note, began to change. Saulus saw Astarion in her memory in the moonlight, his hair shimmering like silver, just like his words, even if the next morning they seemed like a deceptive dream that had disappeared into the halo. Her nose remembered the scent of leaves kissed awake by the bright morning sun. The rays of the sun that seemed to taste of her colors of orange and red. As if the forest had returned to her tent.

Her lips opened and Saulus began to sing the words to the melody:

„Follow me into the forest of honey golden lies

Your words like cinnamon but underneath there is a fire

Golden Dawn or is it an inferno?

Golden words blazing fire into my heart

Holding you is like holding onto a flame

Flames burning high

They say you can’t hold a flame

But what if we be both burning bright

With flames reaching the sky?

Nothing left than ashes there will be

For me all right, with you I will ever be

Dancing to oblivion into the midnight mess

The world it can forget about us

But our spark will never end

This hand will never get tired of reaching for the flames

Because holding you is all I ever will

Our flames burning high to the sky

Honey dawn

I am tasting on your lips

Forever dancing, forever burning

Sunrise of honey and cinnamon

Is it a golden dawn of your lies?

Or the start of our golden age?”

📷: aristenfromwarsaw

➹ a/n: I've been sitting on it since September.

But you know how I am: I have the dialogue and narrative perfectly in my head, but if I don't write it down right away and think I'll remember it later...of course I won't remember it later.

And if something gets lost, I get so frustrated that I don't do it at all.

And some of you know certain reasons that have come between writing 😅😵‍💫😅

As always, I am dying to know exactly what you think about it. 😬🫣😁

Even though this is supposed to be my pure hug&fluff fest fanfic, I still added a touch of head drama and worked on Astarion's trauma. Don't ask what's wrong with so many of us authors. Whenever I just want to write cuddly fics, my head screams while I'm writing "But how are they supposed to be happy and in love if they aren't first full of fear and doubting love and questioning everything? You can't be happy if you weren't unhappy before!" I don't know why that happens 😅 Readers, let me know what you think. Pure lovey dovey or emotional ballast and processing including good?

(One bard was harmed during this playthrough...sorry as always Alfira 😅)

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razzzletazzle · 2 years ago

Text

title: Jacob's Ladder (read on ao3)

rating: G

summary: Digging for scraps in order to survive another barren winter, the boys find something far more precious than a space heater. The baby they pick up might not keep them warm, but he gives them something far more important: a reason to fight for the future.

inspired by this amazing art by @tapakah0 !

Dawn crawled into morning, sun peeking over the horizon, shining pale light on the razed town. Mounts of piled destruction littered the broken streets, heaping around the cracked and folded-together asphalt. Homes stood here, once, but now only skeletons remained, a glimpse of a simpler past found in the bright pink bike handle peeking out from under fallen walls, its purple glitter tassel rustling in a barely-there breeze.

Leo dug his hands deeper into the pile of debris he was sitting on. Sharp edges threatened to nick his hands, but he ignored the almost painful scrape against his scales.

Winter was almost at their doorstep, Autumn rolling further into dark, further into cold. Barely any snow fell anymore, but the nights and days had gotten more cutting, the cold had grown sharper teeth. If they wanted to make it through the coming season, they needed supplies. Clothes, blankets, machinery that Donnie could fix up or use to make new, better ones. Anything that would keep them alive and, if they were lucky, somewhat comfortable.

Rays of sun filtered from behind wispy clouds, finally finding him and his brothers. They brought him no warmth.

Leo tossed a broken phone – snapped clean in two and hanging on by force of will alone, the top and bottom parts crushed up almost past the point of being recognizable – over his shoulder. It clattered down the hill and onto the street below, where it either lay still, flat at the bottom of the pile, or disappeared into one of the giant cracks in the road. The noise echoed, only for a moment, and then all was quiet again, the only sound the scraping of concrete as their two strongest moved giant slabs out of the way, and the grind of small stones, wood, and whatever else was buried in the pile where he and Donnie were digging for scraps.

It was dull – almost oppressive, the silence that clung to his family. To himself, too, now, far too often. Sure, they still laughed, they still found comfort in each other, they were still there, but it was almost like they were muted, and Leo's fingers itched to turn the brightness back up. The need to speak, to fill the unbearable quiet, bubbled in his chest and clawed up his throat. Sometimes Leo ignored it, this pressing urge, swallowed it back and pushed it down, hoping it would settle and ease. But sometimes he couldn't suppress it, the sight and lack of sound too heavy to endure.

A laugh, at the very least, would sound heavenly right now.

So he sighed, and he groaned, drawn-out and grossly exaggerated, and tossed his head onto his shoulder to look at Donnie, working diligently next to him. Leo's arms were still buried, half-way up to his elbows, in the debris.

"There's nothing but junk here."

He might've counted the familiar pull of Donnie's scowl as his first, small step towards victory, if Donnie's tone wasn't so tight.

"Of course it's all junk." Leo twitched at the edge that sharpened the words. "But it's your job to find the parts that aren't total scrap and give them to me so I can decide whether it's usable or not."

"I've done this before, you know," Leo muttered, and saw Donnie's scowl deepen out of the corner of his eyes. "I'm just saying, we've been at this for thirty minutes and we've found zilch."

There was a comment curling around Donnie's lips, Leo could tell, a rough dismissal, saying Leo just wasn't looking hard enough, then. Donnie probably found some useful things already. Instead, he said: "You have no sense of time. It's been ten minutes, at best."

"Says Mr. Hyper-focus," Leo said under his breath. He pulled at something stuck tight in the pile, wiggled it, and yanked it loose. He briefly lost his balance, rocking back on his heels, and managed to not tumble down. He looked at the piece in his hand.

More junk.

He tossed it over his shoulder.

Okay, new plan. Gauge how annoyed Donnie was exactly and how far he could push this, or if he shouldn't push anything at all, and if he should let the heavy shroud of silence settle back over them.

"Donnie," Leo whined, and watched keenly as his brother rolled his eyes. Alright, not a bad sign. Meant Donnie was in a poor mood, but not a leave me alone or I'll vaporize you mood. More an I need some TLC so I'd like my darling twin to annoy me mood. Sure, Donnie would never put it in those exact terms, but Leo was a verified Donnie-connoisseur, and he knew exactly what his brother needed.

Leo put his hands up and presented them to his still-working brother. They were dark with grime. "My fingers hurt," he announced with a pout.

"Tragic," Donnie said and dug further into the pile. "What do you want me to do about it?"

"Kiss it better?"

Disgust curled at Donnie's snout and Leo fought not to grin. "I'm not going anywhere near those dirty paws of yours."

Mischievously, Leo wiggled his fingers and cooed: "Awww, but Donnie, they hurt! You wouldn't leave your only twin to suffer!"

He lunged, shoving his hands into Donnie's face, relishing the shriek he drew from his twin.

Donnie spluttered, pulling away sharply and trying, futilely, to keep Leo at arm’s length. He bared his teeth, fangs glinting, and snapped at Leo's squirming fingers straying too close to his mouth.

"So mean, Don-Don!" Leo whined around a laugh.

"If you don't get your hands – off! I'll happily be an only twin in two minutes!"

"Awww, that's so sweet of you to say! You think I'd hold out against your arsenal for two whole minutes!"

"Make that ten seconds. Nine. Eight. Seven – "

"Donnie," Raph's voice came, tired but still fond, from a little way behind them. "Don't threaten Leo with fratricide."

"Then he shouldn't– !" Donnie made another attempt to bite off Leo's wriggling fingers. "Tell him to stop! And that he needs a bath." To Leo, he said with a glower: "You stink worse than the sewers."

"Like you're any better, hermano."

"We all need a bath," Raph said as he picked both of them up by the scruff of their shirt and hung them in the air like particularly naughty kittens. "Both of you stink to high heaven, but you don't hear me complaining. So quit squabbling and get back to digging."

Donnie made a noise of protest. "I was working just fine before Leo–!"

Raph shook him once, jostling him and pulling his shirt just so that his arms hiked up, and gave him a look. Donnie acquiesced with a grumble and a stubborn, but meaningless, attempt at crossing his arms, succeeding only in crossing his wrists and accidentally framing his face. Leo muffled a snort.

Satisfied, Raph placed them gently back down. With his feet back on somewhat solid ground, even if it was rocky and precariously uneven in places, Leo looked at Raph. Scars lined up his arms, and there was a particularly gnarly scar covered by his mask where he lost his eye to a Kraang attack that haunted Leo's waking dreams. On instinct, Leo breathed in, but no scent greeted him. Raph had learned, by force of necessity, to keep his scent under control, to the point Leo couldn't smell him at all anymore. He wished he hadn't teased Raph for it when they were younger. It was another small comfort he often found himself missing.

"Found anything yet?" Leo asked. A small frown tugged Raph's lips down and his gaze became troubled, and Leo wished he could take the question back.

"Nothing," Raph said. "Looks like some other survivors passed by here before us, probably took whatever useful stuff that was still around with them."

Leo sighed. “Yeah, figured as much."

"Not everything's been taken," Donnie cut in. "I found a few scrap pieces and wires that'll help me create a heater. I need a few more pieces before I can build it, but we'll get there."

Worry hung heavily off Raph's shoulders, even though he tried to keep them up. He might've gotten a handle on his scent, but he still wore his emotions like a comfortable vest, like pages of a book written in large font, an inextricable part of him laid out so openly for them. Leo didn't think he could ever do the same, and he didn't know whether he envied Raph for it or not.

But worry wasn't Raph's burden to bear on his own, not anymore.

Leo patted Raph's arm and mustered up an easy smile. "We'll be fine, big bro. Trust me."

"Yeah..." Raph sighed. "Yeah, I s'ppose. We always are."

Leo wasn't sure why the easy trust made his chest feel so tight.

"Course we are," he said instead. "So stop worrying that big head of yours, m'okay?"

"My head's not big."

"Raph, big brother, your head's massive, 'cause it keeps growing along with that giant body of yours. You're huge, accept it."

"That's a really interesting way of asking for shell rides, Leo," Donnie said, smirking, because he knew exactly which secret he just laid out in the open. Leo gasped; Betrayed by his own kin, and Donnie had the gall to stand there and look smug.

Raph looked at Leo with big, soft eyes. "You want shell rides?"

"What – no! I mean, yes. No!"

"Awww, buddy," Raph cooed, and the worst part about it was that his brother really meant the almost-aggravatingly sweet tone. "If you wanted shell rides, you should've just asked! C'mere – "

"Raph, wait, no – "

A loud crash from behind them – where their little brother was still working through the pile – had them instantly on high alert, weapons one swift movement away from being drawn as they spun, quick and practiced, ready to tackle any possible danger.

An ugly, chipped mug was raised high above Mikey's head. The gaudy thing was decorated with a round, yellow smiley face in its center, orange and green 80's flowers circling the body. They were scratched to hell and back, but still mostly recognizable. Mikey's grin was blinding.

"Donnie!" he hollered. "Bring out the Poppins bag! I'm taking this baby with me!"

Tension bled out of them in one collective sigh.

"It's called – whatever. You guys will never get it right."

The relieved slant of Donnie's shoulders betrayed his nonchalant tone. He took a small pouch out of his pocket and opened it, tugging at its edges to make it big enough to put the mug in.

"Don't mix it with the clean items," Donnie instructed as Mikey bounded up to them.

"Don, if you want him to do that, you gotta upgrade that non-existent sorting system," Leo said. "Just make sure it's at the top or something."

"You have no idea how difficult it is to create a contained, portable pocket dimension meant for storage, nevermind to create any form of system within such a space."

"Right, yeah, explain that to me again some other time."

Donnie huffed and rolled his eyes. The bag was a project both he and Mikey had worked a long time on, combining both their ninpo into creating a storage space that could hold almost anything. It wasn't endless, but they hadn't reached its end yet, and it'd saved them from a pinch more than once.

Mikey proudly presented his new mug to them. It was even uglier up close.

"Look at it and weep!"

Leo wanted to weep alright, but not as much as Donnie, by the scrunched look on his face.

"It's a cool mug, Mikey," Raph said.

"Right? If I clean it up a lil', it'll be as good as new!"

"I'm boiling it at least five times, I hope you know." Donnie held out the bag.

"Of course! Man, this is so cool, that's the best find I've had in ages! You guys must be so jealous right now–"

A noise, nothing but the smallest rattle, faint but there, drew Leo's attention. He turned to find its source, tuned out his brothers, eyes sweeping across the destruction, a quick survey of the area, but he found nothing.

Another sound, less a rattle and more something alive. Leo straightened his back, standing to full attention, and brought up his fist as he clicked once, quick and sharp. His brothers hushed at once. He moved, trusting his brothers to follow and cover his back.

Donnie scanned the perimeter before they entered the area, but it wouldn't be the first time one of those pink monsters managed to evade the scanners somehow. He'd upgraded them, and upgraded them again, until they had almost no fault, but they'd grown to be careful – couldn't be careful enough – unlike their days in youth where hubris colored their every action. Before the world went to waste and everything they knew disappeared. They'd lost almost everyone. They couldn't bear to lose each other, too.

A piece of rounded concrete stuck out between the pile of wreckage across from them, and another small noise echoed out. A tunnel, then, of sorts, whatever the concrete had once been had made a passageway under the debris. And something was in there.

Leo motioned to it, then twirled his finger, signaled his brothers to spread out and circle the entrance. They assumed their positions without protest, without question, silent and swift. Raph remained at Leo's back.

A roofing sheet covered most of the entrance. Leo counted down from three to zero with his fingers, hand in the air, and lifted the sheet with his sword, but the movement must've displaced something, because a moment later it came tumbling down with a loud clatter, stone and metal grinding their way down.

He tensed, but whatever was inside the tube – and he could clearly see it was one now, reminding him somewhat of the sewer tubes of his childhood – didn't startle and attack. But another noise came, clearly now, and Leo froze. It sounded like a cough. A very tiny cough. And a gurgle. It sounded like –

Leo ducked, without thinking, and climbed into the tunnel.

Black guck covered the bottom. It smelled rancid, pungent in a rotting way. His hands and knees sank into the wet mass. He sucked in a breath and held it, hoping the stench would leave his nose if he didn't breathe for long enough.

He ignored Raph's startled and concerned "Leo?!" and crawled further. He trudged through the sludge, trying not to gag at the slimy feel. Pieces of metal stuck through the roof of the tunnel, but Leo found himself lucky enough to not have to duck under them far enough to end belly-down in the gunk.

The baby looked up at him when he came to a stop close by. His cheeks weren’t nearly as chubby as they should be, and his hair was matted and greasy, clinging to his scalp. Only a ratty blanket covered him, flimsily at best. Something dark and unpleasant mixed with the black guck, and Leo didn't need to see the dried blood on the kid's arm to know what it was.

He looked past the baby, further down the tunnel, and saw a man. His arm was outstretched, reaching towards the kid, face turned towards them. A giant puncture hole was clear as day on his back, as repulsive as it was familiar.

Dead.

He must've died protecting his baby.

"How long've you been here, little guy?" Leo muttered, and regretted it immediately, a fresh wave of rot bombarding his senses. He coughed, covering his mouth and nose with the back of his hand.

"Alright," he said, strained. "You're coming with me."

He wiped his hand on his thigh, clearing most of the gunk from it, even if the baby was dirty enough that another layer wouldn't matter that much, and gingerly touched him. The baby grabbed at his fingers immediately, like a homing missile seeking warmth, sudden enough to startle Leo. He gurgled, big, doe eyes staring wetly up at Leo.

"Yeah, yeah," Leo mumbled, soft. "No need to look at me like that, I'm not leaving you here."

He unwrapped his scarf after wiping off his other hand, and fashioned it into a sling, knot tied atop his shoulder. He picked the baby up and murmured softly to him when he whined.

“I know, kiddo. Just a bit longer.”

The baby fit snugly into the sling, covered from head to toe by the scarf. The baby made a noise and curled his tiny fingers into Leo’s shirt, cuddling closer against him and burying further into the sling. He’d been out in the cold for a long time, it was nothing short of a miracle that the kid didn’t have hypothermia. Leo attempted to cradle him closer.

"Sorry, this'll be a bumpy ride. Hang tight, okay?"

Leo spared another glance at the man. It didn't feel right to leave him here to rot, after he gave his life to protect his child, but there was no other choice. Even if they dragged him out, there was no place to bury him, and no time to spare on it. Not with recent Kraang activity painted in the decay of his body. Leo closed his eyes, paid him respect the only way he still could, honoring the man's sacrifice.

His brothers called his name, their voices thin and sharp as they echoed through the tunnel and beat against his eardrums, their worry thick. Leo turned, and didn't look back.

Leo gulped in fresh air greedily the moment he tumbled out of the tunnel. He coughed, attempting to banish the foul smell out of his lung, while his arms curled around the baby.

"Leo," Raph rumbled, upset clinging to his words. "What were you thinking! You can't leave without saying anything! What if you got – " He paused. "What is that?"

The baby peeked over the top of the sling, curiously taking in his new surroundings and the people around them. Leo carefully took the baby out of the sling and showed him to his brothers. Their jaws dropped.

"Leo– what– " Raph spluttered.

"Why do you have a baby," Donnie's tone was dry, like he couldn't quite believe what he was seeing.

"I found him," Leo said and held the child out towards them. "Isn't he cute?"

"He's naked."

Leo wiggled the kid. "Yeah, but so were we until we were forced into clothes. C'mon, look at 'im."

The baby cooed and giggled when Leo wiggled him again. Leo couldn't stop his grin. That's right, kid, back him up here.

"He's adorable," Raph said and Mikey nodded in agreement, a gentle smile and soft look on his face that Leo hadn't seen in a while. Then, it turned to a frown.

"He's dirty." Mikey looked at Leo. "You're dirty." His nostrils flared and he pulled a face. "Oh, Pizza Supreme, you reek."

"It was full of gross, rotting stuff in there, of course I stink."

"Nuh-uh, no, that's – Donnie, bag!"

Donnie, remaining at a decent distance from Leo, the scent probably having wafted his way now as well, shoved the Poppins bag into Mikey's hands.

"Leo, come here," Mikey commanded as he took out a surprisingly well-maintained towel and a bottle marked Rain out of the bag.

"No, Mikey," Leo protested, even as his little brother stalked towards him and the wiggling child in his arms. "We shouldn't waste water on something like this – "

Mikey shushed him. "If you think I'm going to let you run around smelling like that, you're an idiot. Now, hands."

There had never been any arguing with Mikey. Reluctantly, Leo did as told. The water felt wonderful on his scales, black gunk and slime washing off his hands, then his knees when those were clean.

"Baby."

Leo carefully angled the baby in his arms so Mikey could rinse him off.

"Hold him tight."

A task far easier than Leo would've thought it would be. The kid whined and fussed a little when Mikey poured the water in small streams over him and scrubbed the filth off him, but he was otherwise extremely well-behaved. Maybe he was tired. Leo hoped he wasn't sick.

Leo dried the baby off while Mikey dug a blanket out of the bag – and dropped Leo’s now-dirty scarf in – which he then used to swaddle the baby. The kid cuddled into the warmth of the blanket, and released a body-shaking sneeze.

"Is he sick?" Raph asked, worriedly. His hands hovered near them, shifting around, but never reaching out, as if afraid to hurt the fragile little thing curled in Leo's arms.

Leo examined the child's eyes, nose, and mouth. "Doesn't seem like it," he determined. "But it bears keeping an eye on, to be sure."

"Was he alone down there?" Donnie asked as he poked the kid's cheek and earned himself a gurgled coo in response.

Leo's face fell. "There was a man there, too. Been dead a few days. I think he was the kid's father. The..." he hesitated. "The Kraang got him."

The air turned tense, his brothers grew grim.

"They were here. Recently," Donnie mumbled. "We should..."

"Move," Leo agreed. "Soon."

Mikey sighed. "And I was just starting to like that place, too."

Guilt swirled like the beginning of a vortex in Leo's chest. He swallowed down the instinctive sorry, knew none of his brothers would appreciate that pesky self-blame rearing its ugly head again, not after they'd spent so long picking up and gluing together the pieces that'd shattered after the end began.

The baby shifted in his arms, rolling over and almost careening out of his hold and onto the ground. Leo, panicked, scrambled to shift the kid and hold him more securely.

"Don't do that!" he scolded, but the baby just blinked at him, like he had no idea why Leo had stopped him from whatever little plans his infant brain had hatched.

"Are we..." Raph hesitated. "Are we taking him with us?"

The question was tentative, a glimmer of something Leo couldn't quite identify sparkling in Raph's gaze, but he knew it was soft, and maybe even a little hopeful, but the uncertainty Leo himself felt was clear for him to see. The baby was heavy in his arms and suckled sweetly at one of Leo’s fingers.

"We can't leave him here," Mikey said, loud, like it was already a protest. "He'll die!"

"Yeah, 'course, I didn't mean..." Raph held his hands up. How he managed to always look so much smaller than their little brother in moments like these would forever remain a mystery to Leo.

"It's a fair question, Mikey," Leo said. "It'll be a lot of work. We'll need to find far more food and supplies than what we survive on now - "

"So we're leaving him here just because - "

"Michael," Donnie cut in. His no-nonsense tone always worked best on Mikey, and they watched the rush of a fight leave their little brother. "It's an important thing to consider. This is a child, an entire person we need to take care of. Are we the best choice for that?"

They didn't know anything about babies, all reference they had was from their Pops' stories about their own childhood – and most of that was probably not applicable to fully human children – and some TV shows, which left much to be desired.

Mikey looked sadly at the baby and rested the back of his hand against his cheek.

"Where else is he supposed to go?" he whispered. "We're all he has."

Sorrow frayed at Leo's edges. His brother wasn't wrong – the kid was all alone in the world. They couldn't trust other humans to take care of him, even if they managed to find a group of them anywhere soon. There was no vetting process trustworthy enough in the mess that was the apocalypse for them to entrust the baby to strangers. Leo glanced at Donnie and Raph, and knew, from the looks on their faces, they were considering the exact same thing. Leo and Raph's eyes met, they exchanged nothing but a wordless look for a moment, and then they nodded.

"He'll need a name,” Raph said. Mikey looked between them for a startled moment and then positively lit up.

"I've got the best names! There's Clunk, Cody, Haley, Joel -"

Donnie, a smile tilting at his lips, leaned in, consideringly, and he hummed a melody-less tune.

"He reminds me somewhat of Cassandra."

Leo made a noise that was a mix between offense and confusion, while Raph, looking only confused, leaned curiously closer to the baby.

"Oh!" Mikey said. "He does kinda look like her, doesn't he?"

Leo squinted down at the child in his arms. The baby looked back up at him with wide, dark eyes.

"I don't see it," Leo said. "He's so much cuter."

"He's a baby," Donnie huffed, but Leo could hear amusement in his tone. "They're designed to be cute."

"Which means I'm right."

"No, Leo, look. He does look like her," Raph's hands skated around the baby, one palm almost dwarfing the little guy. He pushed the kid's hair back with one, careful finger. "See?" The baby reached up, grabbed Raph's finger best he could with his tiny baby-grip. Raph melted, smile wide and warm, and Leo's breath almost stopped, stolen from his lungs, because he felt, vaguely, as if the sun had come out for the first time after a barren, endless winter.

"Okay," Leo said. Cleared his throat to rid it off its roughness. "Yeah, okay. I guess I see it. So, Casey, then?"

"Casey Junior," Mikey declared, a new sort of pride lining him almost as bright as his ninpo. "It's perfect."

"You wanna hold him, Raph?" Leo asked. It was easy to spot the building refusal, worry and hesitance pinging back in his big brother's eyes, so Leo, swiftly, and without too much jostling, deposited the baby in Raph's arms.

Panic seized, but only for a moment, because then Casey cuddled closer up to him, burying himself in the safe comfort of Raph's arms, and every bit of tension washed away.

His brothers huddled around, gazing at the slowly dozing baby nestled, like he'd always belonged there, in their big brother's arms. They talked in hushed, bright tones, and warmth sang like a crackling hearth through Leo’s soul.

Picking up Casey might’ve been the best thing he’d ever done.

#this ended up being 4.4k haha #officially the second longest fic I've made in my entire life #I had fun making this!#spent 2 full weeks on it tho lol #razz writes #razz's writing #I'm nervous;;#oh yeah!#the reason I named this fic Jacob's Ladder #is because that's a weather phenomenon #also called sunbeams #it's when the sun shines from behind clouds in rays #and that's what Casey is to the boys

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