#No year can suck as much as this year
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I don't want a new year; I want a restart.
Whenever I look back at the past, I mourn the potential I once had. But I'm tired of that.
It's not like I don't have potential still. Maybe, it's time to stop wasting it.
We'll see what this new year brings us. All I hope is that I make myself proud.
#About 1 hour left until the ball drops#And I don't know what to do#I'm scared#But I'm also slightly hopeful?#I mean#No year can suck as much as this year#One thing I really want to do#Is make use of the time I'm given#24 hours everyday#I want to truly live them#To truly take advantage of them#Who knows#Maybe this is the year I actually follow my new year resolutions
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autumnal chill....featuring the girl
#my art#oc#svanhildr#furry#anthro#goat#almost typed ''featuring the girk''#my favourite girk of all time baby#this took an INORDINATE amount of time but also i was experimenting with style so maybe it's somewhat ordinate#i did the brush/texturing too small but it looks nice when you zoom in on some parts#and i finally have a decent twitter banner so small mercies#anyway summer kind of sucked this year - not much warm weather. better than last year but still pretty bad#hopefully september comes in clutch with some last minute sun. so i can appreciate the autumnal chill more when it comes#also scrumping season is coming to a close and i regret not eating more greengages when i had the chance...they rotted off so fast#apple season save me. save me apple season#illustration
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Remember: The burning sensation is part of the process.
#Mouthwashing#blood#body horror#Emphasizing here that this is in reference to a media and character and not a cry for help on my end.#Mouthwashing is one of those games that tickles my brain and checks all the boxes for my niche interests -#-but it wasn't something that got the silly comic part in my cortex firing up. My analysis brain is eating well though!#What said...It is impossible for me to see this scene and not say out loud: “Me in the middle of my work day".#While there is a lot more going on with curly I personally resonated a lot with his struggles with burnout.#Burnout feels like mouthwash to me. That you keep rinsing out your mouth trying to get rid of the rotting smell#but it's just surface level solutions. The real cure requires something far more significant to actually make a difference.#The job 'is hard' and 'everyone struggles'. It's part of the process right? You're tired? Anxious? Depressed? Us too! Chin up!#Actually I resonated with a lot of things within Curly (this is a curly positive space - he's not perfect. He's just human).#One thing being his desire to see the good in people and believe in their potential.#Because here's the thing. Some people truly do just need someone in their corner who stands by them so they can grow and improve.#And some people will take advantage of your kindness. You focus so much on their humanity while you stop being a person to them.#The horrifically toxic relationship persists because Curly tries to see the bigger picture and believes in the good within.#Anyone who has lived through constantly trying to reframe the hurt as something else knows-#-just how many excuses your brain will make to avoid cognitive dissonance. It's human psychology.#Jimmy sucks so bad. But we the audience have the privilege of not having years of baggage associating him in our minds as 'friend'.
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no cause like
motifs and themes we've had for chara are like
golden flowers (the colour gold in general)
the soul
chocolate and sweets
knives
death, sacrifice and burial
save points (I WILL die on this hill) and erasing (raw game mechanics)
gardening and plants
autonomy, choice and control
scary faces
smiles (that double as scary faces)
...
And NOW the number 9, the highest number, where nothing can hurt you, where nothing can hurt anyone.
Here's to another 999 years of Chara lore!! I cannot believe we're getting Chara Undertale in the year of our lord 2024...
crumbles into a pathetic pile
#undertale#chara#safeutdr#analysis#utdr newsletter#rambles#yall dont understand how much ive analysed this little shit for years. fuck every evil chara theorist you can all suck my dick#THIS KID HAS LAYERS I TELL YOU LAYERS#chara fanartists please humbly accept this list of chara motifs to include in your work. i will be thinking about this for the next century#thanks for waking me up from my slumber toby
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the star you've longed for
#PLEASE WATCH REVUE STARLIGHT!!!!!!💥💥💥💥💥#project sekai#revue starlight#pjsk#emu otori#nene kusanagi#emunene#prsk#proseka#yuri win. i make my fav pairing fight tothe death#HAPPY EMUNENE WEEK LOOOOOL#Can i be hinestni think this sucks it took way too long cause i forgot how to draw for a week#im seeing demons and stuff. i feel more normal now. Also you may recall emu has a big hammer for revstar#thats the bottom of it the gem thing all the weapons have hers is sharp#i remember seeing meta post abt how mahiru has a blunt weapon because she never actually aimed for the lead role#rather she only wanted to be by karen's side. so her weapon wasnt capable of cutting anything in the first place#Fastforward to the movie and well LOLLLLL#though i think its funny in the movie her mace is still mostly used for i timidation againstbhikari.. bc again shes not winning for a lead#revue starlight youre neat. maybe i like revstar.#<- has been insane for 4+ years#Needed their pose to be smth where nenes weapon isnt visible because I DONT KNOW WHAT WEAPON TO GIVE HER. OOMFS HELP. I NEED A NENE WEAPON.#i thought some sort of polearm/spear/halberd etc something with range but that can be ambitious#but i feel like smth with that much footwork needed doesnt suit her.. And she cant hsve a sniper i dont think thatwould fucking work#aruru gets pistols in the revue but aruru also is Ummm well shes uhhh. [screaming] [car crash]#throwing knives would be funny wouldnt it. Put that gamer aim to use#idk if the emunene week tag is on here but i'll donit anyways#emuneneweek2024#EDIT: i have decided nene gets a rapier. its awesome. thanks for coming#tsukasa has his giant flag and i dont want to budge on that. im thinking about giving rui the throwing knives since he juggles.#it would be funny. saki + rui knife juggling
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I know a normal amount abt waistcoats
#fantasy high junior year#riz gukgak#heard americans call those vests. deranged. thats not what that is#riz gukgak is a character made to target me specifically bc I am aroace and I love drawing formal menswear more than god#tho Ive been giving riz hard sole shoes which. wouldnt be good for stealth#I wear those I know. you can hear that shit through a meter of concrete#probably less important in a setting with real actual magic so its fine. but its something I do think abt#this kid is so fun to draw... its a Problem for me. I have to force myself to do my goddamn job knowing I could be drawing him instead#its a curse. I have to treat myself at the end of the day. sucks to be here so much
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My hottest take on Jolyon & Uldren is that bungie should never concretely define the nature of their relationship bc I think it would be a retcon to say that Uldren was capable of defining any of his close relationships in any sort of normal, not insane way
#bro's like 'i love my sister but it's like shes holding my chain and i need to test how far i can run from her to feel valid haha it's nbd'#like he is certainly not capable of having a Boyfriend or even a Lover like he sucks too much for that#i want vague implications that they may have fucked nasty for thousands of years and only ever publicly referring to each other as friends#like it should be messy and unclear and confusing that's what does it for me
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Little bright colored outfit with a fun vest ~
(shoes from ebay like 10 years ago. everything else is thrifted)
#ootd#jfashion#fashion#fantasy fashion#mori kei#....like... adjacent... lol#no idea what style this would be lol.. makes me think of like whimsical vaguely fantasy themed childrens book character#finally posting one of my aforementioned seven million drafts of actual outfits and costumes i have finished and edited#the photos for but just never feel like posting lol..#I need to find one of those people whos like 'omg i am ADDICTED to social media ugh i wish i could get off of it#im just browsing and posting like 60 times a daaaaay!!!' and take a little magical bottle and suck some of the social media#enthusiasim out of them. for moi. In exchange they can have some of my 'literally just never in the mood to post or interact with the#outside world ever' energy. We can balance each other. huzzah and so on#Though I think maybe it's part of the general thing I've heard of like.. I can't remember if it was in reference to adhd or just some sort#of general execcutive functioning issue type of thing - but the idea that things have to be ''just right'' before you do something. like#'oh i need to do this task. but i have to wait until XYZ first' or 'oh i can do this but only if X specific condition is met' or etc#The fact that I even have to be in a Specific Mindset to post. or sometimes will delay posting on social media because like 'oh well#I'm going somewhere tomorrow. somehow this matters. i cannot spend 5 minuts posting TONIGHT. clearly it will interfere#somehow schedule wise with the doctor appointment i have 15 hours from now. yes. yes. i must wait until my appointment is over#tomorrow afternoon. THEN i shall post' or etc. etc. lol. NOT even taking into account the many days#I just genuinely and physically sick and it's not even a mental thing. I just physically dont feel like sitting at the computer lol..#ANYWAY.. trying to get back into it. trying to get a business bank account.. make a proper paypal so i can start selling sculptures again.#selling clothes and sculptures.. posting about such things then of course as one must. etc... chanting to hype up and motivate myself lol#But yes. this is my favorite outfit out of the bunch so I am posting it first I guess.. maybe others later..#Also the purple dress says its from shein. which I've heard is bad fast fashion stuff. but maybe okay since its second hand? I havent#been to the bins since like 2020 or late 2019 even. and I think stuff like shein and temu has only become poular in the past few years#but I bet if I went to the bins now I might would find a good handfull of that stuff. Probably now not much different than what you#find in a walmart or a forever 21 or actual physical stores you can go to though. I hear quality of clothing is down everywhere no matter#where you get it or whatnot. What bountiful joys unfettered capitalism and exploitation bestows upon us (<being sarcastic).#Wearing one of my favorite little vests though. I love the texture of it and the clasps on it
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the loneliness and sadness that creeps into you in a way that only growing up queer can cause. your parents can accept you and still make you feel like an outsider. your parents can love you and still reject parts of you. that old-fashioned kind of love where they think trying to mold you, make you tough, is better for you. or that quiet status quo where you just don't talk. and where everyone is accepted, though some are more than others. generations and generations it's just been easier to let it slide. to let it be. not cause a fuss. but then we sit there with a knot in our chests all our lives wondering how it got there
#this is about#all of us strangers#ofc your experience of a piece of media is molded by your own perspective#and i have been thinking a lot about growing up queer and how it still fucking sucked#for me. ten. twenty years ago. fuck it even five years ago#it still sometimes sucks#because i was raised without any queer representation around me#i was trained to be straight and to desire straightness#and anything remotely queer was mocked and bullied and judged#i saw it done by others and done to others so much that it's hardly surprising i did everything i could to Not be that#and the fact that i had to grow up that way#and that i still wouldn't feel at ease bringing a partner to a family event#makes my heart ache so much#i am often on my own and going home doesn't bring me comfort#it's like harry describes#it's just how it went#my parents didn't mean to make it like that#my mom even thinks it's sad#but she doesn't understand how it came to be#and i don't know if i can turn it around#adam's imaginings of how his parents envelop him with love and acceptance in the end#was a dream#but a painful one#a dream where your parents suddenly say all the right things#and for him they only did so bc they're dead and he could imagine whatever he wanted#/and still/ he imagined his mom rejecting his sexuality at first#literally so disgusted she can't drink her tea#oooooofofffffff.......#i need to think some more#my posts
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Alicent being ignored as a parent during those first few years. Alicent being expected to take care of aegon, while also allowing Viserys to take him whenever he so pleased, to show off and pass around like a model toy. Alicent being denied her child whenever lords and ladies were around. Alicent only getting him back when she was at her wits end, stressed after being separated from him for so long, watching people hold him wrong, play with him wrong, touch him wrong. Alicent only getting him back when he is fussy and no longer a source of entertainment for Viserys and his guests. Alicent holding her baby close to her chest during outings or events, stiffening when people ask to see him, hesitant to release her grip on him. Alicent biting her tongue when people ask to "give her a break" when she really wants to tell them that it's her baby and she's perfectly capable. Alicent being so exhausted from guests and Aegon being so little and full of energy, and her second pregnancy, causing her to doze with Aegon in her arms, only to nearly lash out when someone tries to slip him from her arms, engulfing him in her arms as if to fend him from hungry wolves. Alicent carrying him around, even as she grows tired, her arms burning and back aching, so she knows he is safe, away from prying hands and acrid whispers, away from his father's attempts to use him for amusement purposes. Alicent feigning a smile, feigning composure and enjoyment, when really, she just wants to be home, in her chambers with her son, where no one can bother them, where they aren't props meant to smile and wave for a man who does not love them.
(inspired by this reblog of my post from earlier. cause yes, @squgs [hope you don't mind me tagging] is right, she would very much go to war for her baby)
#protective mom alicent for the win#I feel like there isnt enough focus in how Viserys treats Alicent and Aegon like props in those first few years#he wasnt a parent or a proper husband unless he could show them off#he treated them almost like toys#and I feel like Alicent would want to rip her hair out over it#she hates feeling like shes on display. but she can suck it up and bute her tongue#with Aegon though? she's a lot less willing to just let it happen#but of course. what can she do? he's the king after all. she's just his little lady wife#just because she's forced to lie down and take it doesn't mean she has to like it or be willing#alicent hightower#aegon targaryen#aegon ii targaryen#hotd#house of the dragon#pro team green#anti viserys i targaryen#I hate that man so fucking much#people act like he loved alicent and aegon in those first few years#but he clearly didn't#he just pretended to#he was just using them for his own benefit
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I M A G I N E |
tiny glade 2024.
#tiny glade#guys please try tiny glade#it's such a fun and well made little game#it deserves so much love#you can pet the sheep and the ducks!#at least five years have been added to my life#I suck at using the tools but still everything turns out so cute AH
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Riz pulling so much weight for everyone and securing votes vs Kristen being the closest to failing out of school thus inadvertently screwing him. plus her inadvertently bringing Kalina back, who as it stands serves as an antagonistic and deeply painful force in Riz's life. there's just something really ripe and tragic about their friendship rn (even moreso if you wanna throw in the meta that the narrative was steered towards Riz running against Kipperlilly) and it's neither of their faults. I feel like I'm watching a disaster in slow motion.
#fantasy high#dimension 20#kristen applebees#riz gukgak#fantasy high junior year#it's inevitable don't you understand it's inevitable#riz was always going to be deeply selfless and work himself to death to help his friends. he was never gonna say no.#kristen is put into a continuous series of deeply unfair situations and has to deal with the consequent pain of so much failure#do you understand me.#said all this in the tags of a funny gifset i was reblogging#before realising i can just make a post. i have a blog.#anyways i hope this didn't come off critical of kristen because i dont feel that way at all. literally this sucks so bad girl im sorry#chatter.txt
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Ngl FH Junior Year has felt like a full on fever dream and incredibly on crack. I do love that we are focusing on the school side and how stressed and tired everyone is. We are getting to see the insane shit and mechanics of everything catch up with them. One thing I have to say is that I have probably never laughed harder and so consistently. I feel like the cast in general is expressing the overall burned out barely hanging on feeling in such a chaotic and wild way that's incredibly fitting really and it's hilarious.
#i just saw everyone get sucked into a vulture dimension#this is campaign is absurd and keeps trying to one up itself in that regard#but i love the cast and characters so much i love this world so this is so much fun#i feel like in a way it could be maybe disappointing to see certain things happening like yeah they are fucking up a lot#but they are so honest and realistic even in their constant regression and mistakes#i can feel the love pouring fron everyone even at their wordt character wise#also the jump in quality is soooo sick#d20#dimension 20#fantasy high#fantasy high junior year#fhjy#d20 fhjy#brennan lee mulligan#fig faeth#also bring back ayda i miss her so bad#kristen applebees#adaine abernant#riz gukgak#fabian seacaster#gorgug thistlespring
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when you're into the Big Ship™ in a Big Fandom™, you have the luxury of having an OTP - a real One True Pairing, where you can read about just them for ages, and you will never run out of fics, and everything is perfect and beautiful and nothing hurts
but when you go to a smaller fandom, you'd better pray to whatever god you worship that someone else in this room ships the same thing that you do, and that if they do, they're writing more than late-night crackfic, because you're on thin fucking ice!
and how small is your small fandom? is it less than 100 fics? maybe even...less than 20 fics?
welp, then it's time to make peace with that god and either open up a text document or learn how to ship everything, because it's swim or drown babey! and your ship is sinking fast
anyway all of this is to say that after hanging out in small fandoms and shipping less-common pairings for a while, going back into a Big Huge Fandom™ is wild because suddenly it's like...wait, why didn't I ship these people again? I don't remember. why was I only sticking to one ship in this fandom?? boring of me, honestly. these guys should make out.
#sbs rambles#fandom#fandom stuff#ao3#basically. I hung out in superwholock for so long back in the day#but then I got weird and cool and moved on to smaller and older and stranger fandoms#and decided to throw a party and have fun and enjoy all of the small and weird in those fandoms#and now rewatching media for a big fandom I'm like. huh. sucks to be everyone else I guess. they're missing out on some wild dynamics here#because I'm havin a blast#and like. when I mean small fandoms I mean SMALL#my one fic I wrote for one tv show makes up 25% of that entire fandom on ao3#(double checks)#oh!!!! new fic in the fandom!!!!#my one fic only makes up 20% of that entire fandom on ao3!!!#time to throw a fuckin party! 🎉🎈🎊🥳#anyway it's really funny because based on this some folks are going to assume what ship I'm into in a Big Fandom now#but buds. you can laugh at me#I'm thinkin about sam and cas#what's up with those guys?#fucked up actually. they should hold hands about how much they love dean#:')#but also supernatural is way more fun if you watch it out of order#that's what I've realized#now if only the RNG would give me something in season 1 or 2 T_T#also if you're at the point of reading fic on livejournal or wattpad in the year 202X you've reached ''small fandom'' status#that's the rules
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actually i'm still thinking about the moral orel finale.
he has a cross on his wall. do you know how much i think about that bc it's a lot.
a lot of stories ((auto)biographical or fictional) centering escape from abusive/fundamentalist christianity result in the lead characters leaving behind christianity entirely. and that makes complete sense! people often grow disillusioned with the associated systems and beliefs, and when it was something used to hurt them or something so inseparable from their abuse that they can't engage with it without hurting, it makes total sense that they would disengage entirely. and sometimes they just figure out that they don't really believe in god/a christian god/etc. a healthy deconstruction process can sometimes look like becoming an atheist or converting to another religion. it's all case by case. (note: i'm sure this happens with other religions as well, i'm just most familiar with christian versions of this phenomenon).
but in orel's case, his faith was one of the few things that actually brought him comfort and joy. he loved god, y'know? genuinely. and he felt loved by god and supported by him when he had no one else. and the abuses he faced were in how the people in his life twisted religion to control others, to run away from themselves, to shield them from others, etc. and often, orel's conflicts with how they acted out christianity come as a direct result of his purer understanding of god/jesus/whatever ("aren't we supposed to be like this/do that?" met with an adult's excuse for their own behavior or the fastest way they could think of to get orel to leave them alone (i.e. orel saying i thought we weren't supposed to lie? and clay saying uhhh it doesn't count if you're lying to yourself)). the little guy played catch with god instead of his dad, like.. his faith was real, and his love was real. and i think it's a good choice to have orel maintain something that was so important to him and such a grounding, comforting force in the midst of. All That Stuff Moralton Was Up To/Put Him Through. being all about jesus was not the problem, in orel's case.
and i know i'm mostly assuming that orel ended up in a healthier, less rigid version of christianity, but i feel like that's something that was hinted at a lot through the series, that that's the direction he'd go. when he meditates during the prayer bee and accepts stephanie's different way to communicate, incorporating elements of buddhism into his faith; when he has his I AM A CHURCH breakdown (removing himself from the institution and realizing he can be like,, the center of his own faith? taking a more individualistic approach? but Truly Going Through It at the same time), his acceptance (...sometimes) of those who are different from him and condemned by the adults of moralton (stephanie (lesbian icon stephanie my beloved), christina (who's like. just a slightly different form of fundie protestant from him), dr chosenberg (the jewish doctor from otherton in holy visage)). his track record on this isn't perfect, but it gets better as orel starts maturing and picking up on what an absolute shitfest moralton is. it's all ways of questioning the things he's been taught, and it makes sense that it would lead to a bigger questioning as he puts those pieces together more. anyway i think part of his growth is weeding out all the lost commandments of his upbringing and focusing on what faith means to him, and what he thinks it should mean. how he wants to see the world and how he wants to treat people and what he thinks is okay and right, and looking to religion for guidance in that, not as like. a way to justify hurting those he's afraid or resentful of, as his role models did.
he's coming to his own conclusions rather than obediently, unquestioningly taking in what others say. but he's still listening to pick out the parts that make sense to him. (edit/note: and it's his compassion and his faith that are the primary motivations for this questioning and revisal process, both of individual cases and, eventually, the final boss that is christianity.) it makes perfect sense as the conclusion to his character arc and it fits the overall approach of the show far better. it's good is what i'm saying.
and i think it's important to show that kind of ending, because that's a pretty common and equally valid result of deconstruction. and i think it cements the show's treatment of christianity as something that's often (and maybe even easily) exploited, but not something inherently bad. something that can be very positive, even. guys he even has a dog he's not afraid of loving anymore. he's not afraid of loving anyone more than jesus and i don't think it's because he loves this dog less than bartholomew (though he was probably far more desperate for healthy affection and companionship when he was younger). i think it's because he figures god would want him to love that dog. he's choosing to believe that god would want him to love and to be happy and to be kind. he's not afraid of loving in the wrong way do you know how cool that is he's taking back control he's taking back something he loves from his abusers im so normal
#i had a really big fundie snark phase a year or two ago so that's part of like. this. but im still not used to actually talking about#religious stuff so if it reads kinda awkwardly uhh forgive me orz idk#maybe it sounds dumb but i like that the message isn't 'religion is evil'. it easily could have been. but i think the show's points about#how fundie wasp culture in particular treats christianity and itself and others would be less poignant if they were like. and jesus sucks#btw >:] like. this feels more nuanced to me. i guess there's probably a way to maintain that nuance with an ultimately anti-christian#piece of media but i think it'd be like. wayy harder and it's difficult for me to imagine that bc i think a lot of it would bleed out into#the tone. + why focus on only These christians when They're All also bad? so you'd get jokes about them in general#and i think that's kinda less funny than orel and doughy screaming and running from catholics lsdkjfldksj#i think the specificity makes it more unique and compelling as comedy and as commentary. but that's just me#like moralton represents a very particular kind of christian community (namely a middle class fundie wasp nest)#you're not gonna be able to get in the weeds as much if you're laughing at/criticizing all christians. but they accomplish it so thoroughly#and WELL in morel and i think that's because it chose a smaller target it can get to dissect more intimately. anyway#moral orel#orel puppington#(OH also when i say wasp here i mean WASP the acronym. as in white anglo-saxon protestsant. in case the term's new to anyone <3)#maybe it's also relevant to say that i'm kindaaaaaaaa loosely vaguely nonspecifically christian. so there's my bias revealed#i was never raised like orel but i like to think i get some of what's going on in there y'know. in that big autistic head of his#but it's not like i can't handle anti-christian/anti-religious media/takes. i'm a big boy and also i v much get why it's out there yknow#christianity in specific has a lot of blood on its hands from its own members and from outsiders and people have a right to hate it for tha#but religion in all its forms can be positive and i appreciate the nuance. like i've said around 20 times. yeah :) <3#(<- fighting for my life to explain things even though my one job is to be the explainer)
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man as much as I understand why we bind/tuck and that it's not a bad thing if I could wish one thing upon the world it would be for everyone to get so much more normal about men with boobs and women with bulges (and everyone in between w whatever secondary sex characteristics). bc it sucks. it's uncomfortable and can be super super damaging even if you're using the best methods in the world.
and ofc it sucks from cis society but I think I have even more beef w people in the trans community that push this idea that if you're not binding/tucking you're not Serious about being trans.
#just some word vomit ig#bc this is my first summer in YEARS not binding#bc I finally got top surgery#and being outside in this heat/humidity just reminded me how fucking bad and hard it was w a binder#like it would hurt to Breathe sometimes and that's just... normal#which sucks. you rarely get out of long term binding without rib or back problems#I don't know As Much about tucking but afaik it can be even More dangerous#and uncomfortable#which isn't do demonize binding or tucking it just sucks that we're Expected to do it
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