#NOT TO MENTION ADOPTIVE RELATIONSHIPS ARE EQUALLY VALID AND IMPORTANT

[toskarin]

that does vaguely touch on something that's present in VesalBlood, which I've definitely rambled about before because it's important to understanding why people in the KHU are Like That

it's been a while, but lore rambles are below the break

-

there is no formal governmental acknowledgement of something like marriage without a child being produced. only the first such pairing is considered valid, and this partnership can only be dissolved if the children are either disowned or otherwise "non-factors" (read: dead, catatonic, or in military service*)

*: when military service is terminated, this can result in the child being disowned and removed from the family if they are not reclaimed. this is another (common) way out of a partnership

while there are things like marriages and partnerships, these are either business deals, social unions, or religious oaths. these are not acknowledged by the Seneschal government except insofar as they're kept track of for bookkeeping purposes

regardless of any personal sexuality or preferences, the default assumption is that a scion needs to have children for their family. the sway of a company (which is understood to be the same entity as a family) is equal to its political power (doubly so if its on the Seneschal Board) and the sway of a company comes down to its holdings, with the easiest way to perform business mergers being through literally merging the families

employees of a company are not actually part of it, but contracted to it. someone who works for OJSC Lu Corporation or OJSC Biltruf Group is, unless married into the families operating them, assumed not to be part of the legal entity

there's a euphemism that comes up a bit, thus far used textually by Meilin mostly, for referring to this sort of system and people who place stock in it: serious.

serious can be taken to mean "traditional" in most contexts, with a serious relationship being one that produces an heir and a serious person being someone who pursues this sort of relationship without pursuing others

a couple (or any number of partnered individuals, for that matter) that does not have a legally-recognised heir in the form of a child is not serious

the exact degree to which people elevate the importance of a serious relationship varies. some places, like Callisto, place great importance on seriousness, but only frown upon pursuing additional non-serious relationships afterwards in more traditional families

in places where the average person isn't really considered part of a company per se, these norms tend to exist despite being divorced from their original legal context. even in grey contractor stations, some people hold the pursuit of a serious relationship as a moral value

the most common middle-progressive stance observed outside of the KHU imperial core (read: where Seneschal-headed companies have meaningful presence) is that at least one child should act as a scion in pursuit of a serious relationship, usually the firstborn, for purposes of ensuring the family's assets don't default to territorial government ownership due to an unprovable bloodline

also worth mentioning, a youth ward of the Deterrence Legions is considered to have been removed from their family and must be welcomed back in (by having their contract settled) upon returning from their tenure as a scholar cadet. if they are not welcomed back into their family, they are, in descending order,

if they are too young to be considered an adult and have been disabled in their service or are otherwise unable to serve in a meaningful capacity outside of their military education, they are turned over to a state orphanage. orphans in this scenario are often used as labourers until such a time as they either age out of the system, have their contract purchased by a colony looking for young citizens, or are adopted into a corporation by a scion unable to produce an heir of their own (non-blood heirs are considered less valuable, due to social deprioritisation in order of inheritance)

if they are too young to be considered an adult or unable to pay off the tuition for their education with their earnings from their military education, they are returned to military service until both of these conditions are resolved

if they are old enough to be considered an adult and did not enlist for additional years of service, they are given new government papers identifying them as a sole-individual (read: family of one). they do not officially retain their original family names, although many choose to do so for convenience until they either marry into a family or form one of their own with another sole-individual

and of course, this is all, for the most part, literally only applicable to the KHU and its primary territories. grey stations often have differing norms, and there is almost no overlap between this system and how these things are handled in, say, the Empyrean Courts

[bloomeng]

I think this also relates to a larger— issue isn’t the right word I think disappointment is more apt— disappointment with how the parental relationships are discussed.

also typo from my prev post **emphasized

The batfam is messy, adoption is messy, fostering is messy, all of it is messy. I’m not here to preach that Bruce isn’t anyone’s father but I wish there was more acknowledgement that it’s more complicated than that. Dick was his ward and his partner in the field. Tim’s parents were alive for a good while. He had a relationship with them (good or bad) and that’s apart of his lived experience. His relationship with Bruce isn’t so cut and dry. Duke’s parents are still alive and if my memory serves he states in canon that he sees himself sort of outside the family. It’s not bad to acknowledge this about him. He’s his own person and it’s actually more interesting and less offensive to characterize him as his own person and not just the batfam’s resident nice son.

Canon flip flops on its stances on this which makes it tricky but since when has DC canon not been a mess.

I think it’s cute that they’re a family unit and he’s their father and there’s a time and place for it. But it’s also an integral part of Bruce’s character that he sees some of his kids as children versus him viewing them as a partner. He struggles to balance this. More subtly I think it’s interesting how he tries to pay respect to his kid’s biological parents by trying not to overstep but it comes off as him being standoffish.

This is also a huge part of where Damian’s conflict spawns from. Him being Bruce’s biological son makes him fundamentally different than the others and while that doesn’t make him more important than his siblings it sets his experience apart from them. It’s a new and contrasting perspective, which is makes his role so interesting.

And then there’s Kon and Clark. This is going to get heavy.

Clark is uncomfortable with Kon’s existent because he feels violated by Luthor. It’s one of those things that feels synonymous with very real issues that I’m going to dance around because that’s not my point right now. My point is that the relationship between him and Kon is complicated on both sides because his ignorance of Kon isn’t right either. You can think of Kon as Clark’s son but that also automatically makes Clark’s behavior way more reprehensible and harder to salvage the relationship.

I think the issue is we don’t really have a vocabulary to describe what a teenage clone of you would be. I think it’s equally valid to think of them as vague family members, somewhere between older brother or uncle. This is supported by the fact that it’s Martha and Jonathan who are raising him making Clark feel more like an older brother with a large age gap.

Both interpretations have value, but they carry different weight. When Clark is Kon’s father in a lighthearted fic (not like a one off mention like a factor that is emphasized) I personally feel this elephant in the room. I feel like people get so hung up on the perceived cuteness of “father/son” that they overlook the dynamic the obvious when the dynamic they actually want is just around the corner.

I want to be clear I’m not trying to police how people view and relate to any of these relationships. Both of them have individual value it’s just also me from the sidelines screaming “IT’S UNDER THE SAUCE!!!” (sorry tiktok ref I’m dating myself)

Head in my hands do people know they’re implying incest when they emphasize the parental relationships in superbat + timkon fics because these are the same people who are adamantly against shipping the robins.

Tldr: You’re limiting yourself by only looking at these relationships from the perspective of father/son.

Maybe I’m in the minority but I feel like there’s a way to have both have Clark/Bruce and Tim/Kon in a fic without making it weird. It’s totally a pet peeve but it’s been irking me because like it’s so easy to interpret Kon and Clark’s relationship as the complicated mess it is or acknowledge the nuance of Tim’s adoption into the Wayne family, that would automatically make the dual ships running in parallel less weird. But people flatten both relationships into father and son, which I don’t mind on its own, because there is a lot of interesting things to dig into there— especially with Clark and Bruce being in the unique position to understand each other’s version of parenthood. Again maybe it’s just my experience but I feel like I keep running into instances where both couples will be dating and then their parental relationships will also be empathized and suddenly it’s weird.

[graylit]

𝚙𝚕𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚕𝚕𝚘𝚠𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚌𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚗 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚕𝚕𝚘𝚠𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘𝚙𝚒𝚌𝚜 𝚒𝚗 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚟𝚢 𝚍𝚎𝚝𝚊𝚒𝚕 & 𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚋𝚎 𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚊𝚌𝚑𝚎𝚍 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚌𝚊𝚞𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 : 𝚙𝚜𝚢𝚌𝚑𝚘𝚕𝚘𝚐𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚕 𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚞𝚖𝚊, 𝚌𝚑𝚒𝚕𝚍 𝚊𝚋𝚞𝚜𝚎/𝚊𝚋𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚘𝚗𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝/𝚗𝚎𝚐𝚕𝚎𝚌𝚝, 𝚊𝚗𝚡𝚒𝚎𝚝𝚢, 𝚍𝚎𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗, 𝚖𝚎𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚢 𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚜, 𝚘𝚋𝚜𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚙𝚞𝚕𝚜𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚒𝚘𝚛, 𝚎𝚌𝚝 𝚎𝚌𝚝.    NOT  FOR  REBLOG !!!! ( unless you’re aloy )

REY  IS  NOT  OKAY, lets kick this clusterfuck of emotional content off with that! She is a ball of anxiety, depression, and low self esteem all wrapped up in spiky armor. She’s basically a lil hedgehog curled up in a ball protecting her soft tummy, which is how she’s lived most of her life until the events of TFA. This doesn’t make her WEAK in any way shape or form. In fact, it’s the pillar of strength that keeps her pressing onward. She is vulnerable and tender underneath the spikes she built to survive a world where softness doesn’t survive or exist.

We’re gonna start with the obvious here  ABANDONMENT  and work our way up down this painful laundry list. Now, many adopted children that are in loving and wonderful homes are still liable to feelings of abandonment or low self-esteem (  this varies from person to people ofc. the adoptees I have known over the years are an even split down the middle  )  ‘why wouldn’t my parents want me? am I not good enough? did I do something wrong? ect’ These are children placed in healthy environments with people that love and want them and those dreadful creeping feelings still exist. Now imagine quite literally WATCHING your parents on a hot and dead planet with a stranger, zooming off into space never to be seen again! If you can garner such lifelong & potentially damaging feelings in a place thats wonderful, imagine knowing and remembering their departure.

That is so goddamn WOUNDING and traumatic that she has no other choice but to bury that pain. It’s a survival instinct. It’s the mind and body protecting you from something too terrible for a child her age to cope with. So she goes on autopilot and clings to the hope of SOMEDAY because she has no other choice.  Trauma like that erases memories, especially in children as young as Rey. 

ANXIETY?  Heaps of it. Constantly. About nearly everything whether she is able to express if or not. There’s a chance she’ll miss her fam if she’s away from Jakku? Panic attack. There’s a chance her AT-AT might be ransacked by thieves in her absence? Panic Attack. You’re headed off somewhere without her? Panic attack. It might be mild at the start, but years down the road now that she’s away from the child labor camp daycare it will hit her full force. Finn will say he has to go off planet, he has to go SOMEWHERE alone and he promises he’ll be back. Her stomach would give a sick and ugly jolt but he had never lied to her before so she bites her tongue and waits. She HATES herself for the relief she feels at his swift return, how weak it makes her feel against a feeling she has no control over. Anyone she has ever grown close to is subject to these feelings, this fear. With Han being murdered right before her eyes she’s utterly shattered and can’t help but expect her loved ones to disappear.

Lets talk about that good ol soul crushing  DEPRESSION !! When the excitement dies down, when you’re heart stops pounding and you’re still for some unforeseen amount of time, it sets in like a weight. When there’s nothing let to be anxious about and the stillness takes ahold. Whether she was laying awake in her AT-AT on Jakku or curled up in her bed on D’Qar / Ahch-To / The Falcon, it is so heavy it nearly crushes her. The moments she doesn’t spend every second fighting to survive are foreign and agonizing. Being surrounded by wonderful friends and adoptive family is fantastic, sure. But depression doesn’t give a fuck how great things are going. It eats and eats at you until you cease to exist. She’s whittled away during the night, reborn every morning, ready to expend all of her energy on work so she can forget.

SELF ESTEEM? where do we download that? reiterating the abandonment issues ‘my own parents didn’t want me, why would anyone else? what did i do wrong? what if i do it again and people leave me?’ an endless stream of consciousness that makes her ache. Rey doesn’t wallow though, not for long and certainly not where anyone can see her. That’s where those lil hedgehog spikes come in handy. She doesn’t need anyone! She’s spelt well over a decade by herself, she doesn’t need to let anyone in. But God she wants to. She’s so tired of being hurt and left behind. She WANTS to be chosen for once, so much so that the girl wary of all physical contact throws her arms around the boy that came to rescue her. Does she deserve it? Is she worth all that trouble? She doesn’t know but she thanks her lucky stars someone things she is.

Last but not least that good ol OCD ‘cause if you think she stopped scratching lil tallies into places or counting down the days you are WRONG. When a habit that important and kept so devotedly, it doesn’t just go away. None of her little ‘quirks’ do and she will go into a full blown panic if they are not completed. Rey missing a tally? She’ll lose track of the days that go by in her head, she’ll lose track of her family, she’ll miss them! That feeling would have been double on Jakku, especially if she was trapped somewhere or away for an unspecified amount of time.

Every single ill that has befallen her, every abhorrent thing she has suffered and quickly swept away in order to survive will come back sevenfold down the line. The body keeps score and boy has she racked up a SIGNIFICANT number. This shit does not go away with a hug and a new life. This will follow her until her dying day, which if left untreated by a mental health expert, could be sooner rather than later. If you honest to God think that Rey would okay in any capacity with whoever left her, that a normal relationship would ensue in the near future, than you have no concept of mental health or trauma or this character in general. 

On the subject of  PARENTAGE & LUKE SKYWALKER since that is still a terribly unfortunate theory ; I cannot think of a faster way to send either of them dark side. Not only does it destroy any integrity Luke had, but it would send Rey SPRINTING in the opposite direction. There is no reason good enough to abandon your child to a life of starvation and hard labor and deep down Rey knows this. There are hints that her parents are dark siders, people that lived and possibly worked on Jakku for the Empire which would make sense given its history. That being the case she’s much more likely to stay were she is, not fleeing to a middle ground or to the opposite side which would happen if the former came true. Her outlook would be tainted because why would a HERO, a GOOD MAN leave her to suffer alone? No matter her lineage, the relationship with her birth parents is FRACTURED. No matter how much she wants them, they have sewn seeds of mistrust in her heart that will take DECADES to undo. With her new family in the resistance, in FINN, she doesn’t need anyone else. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.  She’s found her family in friends and that is far more profound than any blood relatives.

[peakysanakin]

a bit about Elain's trauma and why it correlates with her rejecting her mating bond with Lucien in the future, a thread:

(WARNING: this post isn't about ships, except Elucien because Lucien is a key factor in Elain's trauma. )

Everyone deals with trauma in their own way and that's totally okay. Some are destructive, some shut people up and others want to not feel anything. Elain, just as Nesta, went into the Cauldron and those moments were horrific for her.

She is literally dragged and shoved into the Cauldron while she cries, struggles and kicks to escape the guards' grasps. The guards and the King keep laughing at her during the whole time.

Elain is used as an experiment for the Queens.

She is used as if she was a mere object.

Her body has been changed forever and she is practically naked, completely terrified and in shock from whatever she has gone through inside the Cauldron. (We know how terrifying and horrible it can be because of Nesta's experience.) Everyone is looking at her, some are even laughing.

Do you know how violating this could feel? To be left naked and vulnerable in front of people who have just terrorized you? How would you feel?

We don't know what she goes through inside the Cauldron, but it was probably very painful and terrifying. Then, she is thrown off it and she experiences this horrific scene, and her mating bond with Lucien snaps.

Another thing has been decided for her.

Not only has her body and life been changed forever without her consent, now her romantic relationship has been decided for her as well. And it's with a man who participated in the plan that made this horrific moment happen.

Lucien is an accomplice of that. He isn't a bad person, but he is CLEARLY an accomplice. (GO NESTA!!)

Elain is dealing with her trauma and she doesn't own Lucien anything. She suffered so much, she was broken and traumatized by what happened to her.

And Lucien and their mate bond are a BIG reminder of the day her body and life were changed against her own will.

We don't know much about her, but we have seen enough of her suffering and how traumatized she is in the books. Feyre always admired Elain's strength, because being kind and gentle in a world so dark takes balls, you know? Later on in the books, Elain is still kind and gentle but more reserved and quiet because she is dealing with her own shit.

Strength doesn't equal to physical force. A big example? Queen Elizabeth I of England was strong and she never fought in a battlefield, but she was intelligent, cunning and brought a Golden Age to her country. She made a place for herself in a patriarcal society and that's how strong she was.

Elain's strength differs from Nesta's, Mor's and Feyre's. She isn't an active fighter like them, but yet she had the guts to fight in the war and stabbed the King on the neck to protect Nesta because she loves her sister and would die for her. Look at this.

No one wanted her to fight, but she chose to. SHE CHOSE TO! This is important. She is scared in the battle camp and doesn't know how to fight or wield a sword, yet she trusts her friends and wants to fight alongside them. 

She might die in the battlefield, but at least she will fight fighting and not be a pawn.

She will enact revenge for what the King did to Nesta, to Feyre and to herself.

MOREOVER –– Another big trauma (aside from happened inside the Cauldron and the dramatic changes in her life), it will probably be center around her body. 

Her clothes, body and beauty are mentioned all the time. ALL THE TIME. Elain, who was a very proper and modest lady (and didn't want to talk about periods even with her sisters), was seen naked against her will by everyone and she probably felt violated.

Feyre mentions Elain's reaction when she sees her and Nesta wearing Illyrian fighting leathers. She mentions how Elain was offered something less scandalous and more proper. 

Imagine how someone so proper would feel after being used and seen all vulnerable and naked by so many people? To have been ogled against your will? To be seen as an “object” to see whether the Cauldron worked?

Nesta is a sexual assault survivor and she also suffered because of their youth, Feyre's sacrifice to provide for them and Elain suffering from the Cauldron incident. She dealt with her trauma in her own way, just as Elain deals with it in her own way. And that's okay!

In Elain's book, her choosing who she wants to be with and how she wants to live from now on will be important. She will turn down Lucien, as it is obvious from what I explained above and because of the following:  Feyre and Rhys comment on how being mates doesn't equal to being right for each other.

Sarah J. Maas said this as well.

She also said that a mating bond is something rare but that some people might be lucky and end up having two. But the main thing is: 

Elain will reject Lucien because they aren't right for each other and she will chose whomever she wants to because she loves that person. That's big and it will be key to the plot.

Elain might end up being lucky and while falling for another person, a new mating bond might develop. But at the end of the day, it will be her choice. 

Not the Cauldron's choice, not society's choice or anyone else. 

Hers and hers alone.

You think she is boring? Well, we will learn more about her and we will see her heal from her trauma. Her body and her choices have been violated, but she will heal and grow for that and gain ownership over herself once again. 

Rhys, Amren and Feyre believe there is more to her than just the kindness she shows. 

“Maybe she was never given the chance to be that way.” “You think I stifle her?” “Not you alone. [...] But I wonder if everyone has spent so long assuming Elain is sweet and innocent that she felt she had to be that way or else she’d dissapoint you all. [...] With time and safety, perhaps we’ll see a different side of her emerge”

“You think Elain is boring?” “I think she’s kind, and I’ll take that kindness over nastiness every day. But I also think we haven’t yet seen all she has to offer.”

“Don’t forget that gardening often results in something pretty, but it involves getting one’s hands dirty along the way.”

“You can’t have it both ways. You cannot resent my decision to lead a small, quiet life while also refusing to let me do anything greater.”

“I went into the Cauldron, too, you know. And it captured me. And yet somehow all you think of is what my trauma did to you.”

“Including Elain, who is more than capable of defending herself against the darkness of the Trove, if she chooses to. Don’t underestimate her.”

Being a seer gives you many powers, but it would take me too much time so I recommend you to read this LONG AND AMAZING list of powers a seer might have posted by @miru5llec​ and you will be shocked and hyped.

If you like mythology and fantasy literature, you know seers are feared and respected. Kings have killed for having a seer in their ranks. They can reach levels of divine status and their ability as a seer gives them many more powers than those I have mentioned before.

Elain might not be physically powerful like Nesta or Feyre, but being a seer makes her more powerful than both of them but IN ANOTHER WAY. Look at the list above (linked) if you don't believe me. 

Her being on the Night Court makes Feysand's court the most powerful in Prythian.

That's why Elain is not boring and her trauma is valid. There is much more to her than what little we have seen. SJM has said so. Rhys, Feyre, Amren, everyone has said so in the books. We will learn about her, see her heal and chose who to love in her book.

“Why?” Elain demanded. “Shall I tend to my little garden forever?” When Nesta flinched, Elain said, “You can’t have it both ways. You cannot resent my decision to lead a small, quiet life while also refusing to let me do anything greater.”

“But Elain said, “I went into the Cauldron, too, you know. And it captured me. And yet somehow all you think of is what my trauma did to you.”

We will see her develop her powers and learn how to use them. She is possibly the key to killing Koschei (the big bad villain) because she might have visions of where his heart is hidden in that fucking box and guide the IC to find it.

Furthermore, stop saying “I want Elucien to happen so Lucien can be happy.” or “Azriel deserves better than Elain because she likes to garden and is mated to Lucien.”

Elain doesn’t belong to Lucien.

Elain can garden, bake and walk around on her hands while singing La Macarena and that doesn’t make her any less strong than Feyre, Mor, Nesta or any other female character.

(Also, in this stupid ship war I have seen people pointing out how she wouldn't be able to give Azriel children because her body isn't Illyrian. This is disgusting. You are basically saying that all her worth lies in whether she can give someone children or not.

Do I remind you adoption exists? Rhys, Cassian and Azriel are brothers by choice, not by blood and they are BROTHERS. You can adopt and be a mother. And you can chose to not have children and that would be okay too. A woman's worth isn't in her uterus.

And that’s it. 

(I posted this thread on Twitter as well, so if you liked it you can go there and RT it or hit a like.)

[og post]

[aroace-pancake]

Hi! I just discovered your blog. I also just discovered I’m probably aspec. Specifically, I think I’m pretty strongly aromantic, which is right now not something I’m super excited about. Kind of in the grieving process of knowing that it’ll take a miracle for me to be comfortable in a romantic relationship, and not sure if it’s a trauma thing (I was in a relationship that kind of sucked a lot of life out of me in hindsight and idk how much that factors in) I need to work out or if I’ve just always been like this and I need to accept it. Idk, do you have any advice for a struggling arospec who doesn’t really know what to do and is definitely grieving more than anything else?

Hello friend!

I sort of relate to this sentiment to an extent! There are many aspec folks who have voiced similar thoughts as well, and it's always difficult to come to a place of acceptance, especially for ourselves

Mostly my grieving comes from a fear of loneliness for not wanting a traditional romantic relationship. I had tried to date a few people as well with no luck, both relationships ended up being bad for me too. I don't think that trauma factors in for me personally, but has created frustration and deterred me from pursuing other relationships.

Whether it is partially caused by past trauma or not, I want to emphasize your identity is still valid regardless

However, when it comes to romantic relationships I want to offer a bit of advice my therapist mentioned which was, "have you ever been in a close relationship with an aro person?" To which the response was a resounding no from myself. I have no idea what a close relationship would be like with another aro person because I haven't tried it!

If a romantic relationship is something you still desire, this is something to consider! As much as it is a clique and grinds the ears of our community, perhaps you haven't found someone you really can vibe with?

There are aro folks out there who do want romantic relationships despite not feeling attraction etc,. Identity is complex and it's understandable to feel confused or resentful

On the flip side, if you want to give up on the endeavour, there are many avenues you have yet to explore!

For me personally, finding acceptance has meant becoming more involved with my local community! Sometimes I go to knitting nights or volunteer. Whatever it is, I feel comfortable with my identity because I have created a network of relationships in my community.

I understand that not everyone finds this ideal. You could instead find a QPR relationship, which is defined within your own standards (and your partners).

Another option would be to adopt an animal, as I have found caring for another (if you're in the position) helps foster meaning in ones life

This doesn't sum up everything ofc, and there are plenty of things to consider. Mostly, I want to emphasize to you that you will reach a point of acceptance for yourself. It's important to grieve, but equally so to explore outside what you can see in front of you

Unfortunately, because the world is built around systems which confine our ideals of what community, relationships, and our own lives can look like, so, we have to build from the ground up. However, this is equally a blessing as there is so much potential to form meaningful relationships with others and ourselves that exist outside the norm

Not to throw in Marie Kondo here, but she has this bit where she asks others to imagine what kind of life they want in their homes. It may be useful to apply this to your life as well and think about what you want

Have faith friend, it's alright to feel the way you do. You're feelings are valid because you have them! If anyone else has advice or resources they would like to share, feel free to send them!

I hope this is helpful! I know it's difficult, but have an open mind and consider your options. You will reach a point where you feel okay with your identity!

[sk-lumen]

Hey, I need some advice how does someone become more self assured and reliant and less codependent?

Hi love,

You become more self-reliant and confident by building a strong foundation of love & trust within yourself and towards yourself. Through selfcare practices, introspection, meditation, therapy, through small daily gestures, you dissolve any false beliefs you may have about yourself (not being good enough, needing validation, not believing you can do it). You dissolve any sense of powerlessness. You can, with gentle care and patience, remove any social conditioning that you 'can’t' - whatever the reason may be.

This is something I have worked and continue working on, because I consider it of the utmost importance to build a strong foundation of self. That is where everything begins.

If you feel powerless, you end up attracting people and partners that feel the same yet counteract it by controlling others (in this case, you) in a toxic manner… which validates your self-belief, and only perpetuates the cycle. If you feel lost on your own, and leap from relationship to relationship, you attract people that feel the same on a subconscious level, but which may deal with it by keeping others at an (emotional) distance… and the belief is validated and the cycle continues again.

When you feel strong however, you inevitably attract others who are equally strong within. There is no inherent lack, inherent emptiness and hunger within where each tries to fill the void in the themselves by using the other (that sort of dynamic can only be toxic and lead to unhappiness). Fullness meets fullness, and the two people are able to meet on equal grounds, in a healthy manner, just as they are. When you feel whole and enough on your own, you attract people who are the same. At last, relationships and friendships ensue where both nurture the other while working on their own growth as it is their own responsibility; instead of leeching off the other and neglecting the responsibility of healing and working through their own traumas, and expecting the other to magically fix them. You can read more on the difference between healing vs toxic relationships here.

So, what practical steps would I recommend for building a strong foundation, confidence and self reliance?

Selfcare in all its magical forms - pamper yourself, spoil yourself. Use facemasks, massage your body with lotion, perfume your body, take care of your hair, skin and nails. Certainly yes, all these physical-oriented selfcare practices help immensely in loving your body and yourself. But selfcare also comes in the form of pushing yourself to go to sleep earlier, because you know you will feel more rested and calm next day - even if you want one more TV show episode. It means calling your doctor and making that appointment - even if you hate making calls or going to said appointment. Because ultimately you know it will do you good. Selfcare means looking out for yourself every day. With time, it teaches you to feel loved and cared for by yourself, and not desperately seek it from others.

Self awareness - self awareness helps in so many ways. It helps you know yourself more, figure out your needs, wants, vulnerabilities. Your boundaries, your trigger points. To know how and when you start burning out, so you avoid it in the future. To be gentle with yourself when you need it, or offer a 'tough love & care' when you know you're just slacking and can do better.

Check in with yourself daily - let yourself feel cared for, nurtured, attended to. That way you will no longer be hungry to expect it from others. How are you feeling physically, mentally, emotionally? What's on your mind? Does something trouble in? Doing this via journaling is most helpful, or even on your phone.

Honor your boundaries - leads to trusting yourself more! That way you will feel safe and anchored within yourself, because you trust you're in good hands already - your own. Darling, if you don't honor your own boundaries, that self-sabotage will cause you to distrust and feel unsafe with(in) yourself, and you'll always search for it in others... which leads to the toxic situationsh mentioned above.

Fake it til you make it - by this I mean study others, watch movies, TedTalks, read books, anything to see what confidence is about. How confident people hold themselves, then start emulating it! With time, it will become your truth because others believe it and treat you accordingly, and you'll feel like you are confident. For instance, this can be body language, your posture, the way you carry yourself, your clothing and appearance. It can be your voice, your intonation and speech.

Figure out your weak points, and then devise a plan to patch them up yourself. This way you are not a walking bleeding heart. Let me explain. If you hate being alone, plan to hang out with your friends and occupy your time in a meaningful way, instead of waiting for magic to happen. If you hate being bored, brainstorm a list of hobbies, activities, new things you can use to both entertain yourself and to help in your self development. These weak points will be subjective and personal, unique to you, and only you know what the antidote is for each! (The alternative for this is, in a relationship frustration may ensue because you feel this vulnerability/need is uncatered to, unattended to, while your partner cannot assume or fully understand it, only you can.) However, when you implement this from the start, a future partner will see your standards and habits, and automatically adopt them accordingly.

I hope this supports your journey to become fabulously confident & self-reliant.

Much luck & blessings darling. 💖

-Lumen

[taekooktimeline]

Mint Choco: Sara’s Take

I take full responsibility for this controversial analysis 

Mid August 2018 (filmed) - As part of a run episode, BTS engaged in a heated debate. The topic: mint chocolate, in favour or against its commercialization. Members were separated depending on whether they liked mint chocolate or not. Jimin and Tae were on the fence about it - neither liked nor disliked the taste - but ended up in the “dislike it” team. This is all true, they were actually grouped on the basis of their relationship with mint choco - how they really felt about the ice-cream. They were NOT grouped by any other secret criteria. This is extremely important to remember. However, I believe there was a hidden motive for this debate and that it wasn’t a coincidence that they chose food as the topic (preference-oriented), especially one that is only enjoyed by a minority of society. The topic had been pre-planned along with the ending and final consensus. At the end, Yoongi - as the moderator with the prepared cards - very clearly said: “We don’t want to say that someone is wrong and someone is right, we just want to take one more step towards a more peaceful world”. After that cue, they then effortlessly changed their attitude, agreeing to respect & allow mint choco as long as both sides were considerate of each other. Jimin also said: “The reason we were having the discussion was to make the world a better place”, sounding like they had all been instructed about how they should lead and end the debate, walking them through the scheme. Seems quite purposeful and deep. 

Their arguments were specifically suited for the mint choco debate, but the nature of the chosen topic made them have obvious parallelisms with the most common and basic arguments used in LGBTQ discussions. Of course, they are not interchangeable if we take details into account, but they are if we only focus on the general ideas. These parallelisms with food are frequently used in real arguments by many LGBTQ individuals / supporters where they bring up such comparisons. In sum, I believe they were arguing about mint choco with the sole purpose of teaching a lesson of tolerance, respect and inclusion of minorities with different preferences as part of some hidden pro-LGBTQ activism (since it’s taboo to be straightforward about it). This doesn’t make any of the members “homophobic” by any means because as I said, they were divided according to their food preferences. They were also playing a part because even if they personally didn’t like mint choco, none of them wanted to ban it in real life (outside of the debate they respected other’s taste to begin with) but they were acting as if they did want to ban it in order for the debate to be possible. I will link their pro & anti-mint choco arguments with pro & anti-lgbtq arguments - although comparisons are never intended to fit 100% - as well as point out and give insight into a comment that could be a direct connection between both topics, but please, don’t be scandalized about it because I clearly explained the situation. NON OF THEM ARE HOMOPHOBIC, even if there’s a hidden driving force. Carefully reread this introduction if you find yourself confused or infuriated by the analysis. At this point I’m not responsible for misunderstandings. If you are too young beware because this might not be suited for you. 

The debate starts with Jk trying to make the opposite team empathize with mint choco lovers. He knows they are few people but if they completely get rid of it, what about them? This can be compared to equal marriage / rights.

The opposite team distances themselves from the issue. Basically, something like: “What do we have to do with it? That’s not our problem”. A typical attitude adopted by society. (*Reminder: they are playing parts and actually talking about mint choco during the entire debate. There is just an underlying double meaning).

Jk gets political and demands a solution. He thinks it’s their right.

A comparison -

He then makes a solid point: you’re not obligated to experience it even if it’s included as an option.

Comparison -

The opposition wants to force their own views and erase / prohibit what they personally dislike (*Reminder).

Comparison -

Definition of intolerance:

The minority thinks it’s a forced opinion.

Comparison -

Mint choco team bring back up their prior argument-

The MC shows bias towards the minorities. “You shouldn’t criticize them”, he says.

Opposition questions if it’s as simple as not partaking of it if not interested. Jk continues by reasoning that if it’s not available / facilitated then minorities have no means of accessing it as they can’t make it on their own. Again, can be compared to equal marriage.

Opposition start talking about their own personal differing taste - which coincides with the majority’s - and try to use it as a valid argument to push out the variation that they don’t align with by saying “I don’t think it makes sense”. This can be compared to heterosexuality (a liking for the opposite sex/gender coupled with a dislike / distaste / unattraction to the same gender/sex) versus homosexuality (the other way around) and the confusion it can elicit in unfamiliarezed or closed minded people.

The opposition adds the visual aspect to it. They think it’s unpleasant to look at (*Reminder). This is comparable with the known fact that a great number of people feel or even express disgust when they see any type of homosexual affection.

Minority team differs.

Comparison -

Opposition continues -

Comparison -

Minority team interjects saying it’s a prejudiced thought that lacks scientific basis.

Comparison (prejudices vs science) -

Studies indicate homosexuality is a natural variant within the animal kingdom, compatible with the survival of the species:

Minority team really wants to make others understand that it all comes down to personal taste.

Comparison: these are pictures taken from Korea’s LGBTQ pride festival. “I like tomato spaghetti, do you like cream spaghetti?”, can be read on her sign. In this case she’s linking tomato spaghetti with homosexuality (liking girls in her case), versus cream spaghetti which would be linked to heterosexuality. She’s saying it’s not a big deal and just a matter of preference, “Love is Love”.

Jk can’t let go of his main argument  which is a plea spoken out into the world. He’s asking for compassion.

Moderator highlighting their petition for respect -

Comparison (pride festival, attendee) -

Opposition offers an alternative route to satisfy their wishes. Joons says mint can be found in Argentina, although it is not the top producer (*Reminder: they are playing parts).

If we research a bit we’ll see Morocco takes the lead by an astonishing difference: 92.7% of global production. It’s nearly a mint monopoly. Argentina takes second place but with a derisory 6.7%. If Joon was sufficiently informed to know that Argentina came 2nd place, he must’ve certainly known Morocco was 1st place by a huge leap. Why didn’t he mention Morocco instead?

After a little more research I found out that Buenos Aires - capital of Argentina - is one of the top destinations for gay marriage tourism. They were the FIRST country in the world to pass a marriage law that allowed even non-residents to celebrate same-sex weddings with international recognition (although limited to countries where it’s legal). Even today there aren’t many countries where this is possible because even if they legalized gay marriage some countries have residency or citizenship restrictions.

Jk says “that’s too difficult” in relation to mint choco. Going back to the hidden topic, despite these existing options, traveling abroad is not viable for everyone due to increased costs and complications. What about the guests? Even if koreans marry in a foreign country, their same-sex marriage will not be valid in their home country.

Minority team repeats their arguments because they are convinced it’s a simple matter.

The moderator shows more bias by saying “don’t keep prejudiced thoughts”. The debate has a clear direction.

Comparison (pride festival, attendees) -

The opposition argues that by enabling the polemic option, the rest are exposed to accidental contamination as a result of unwanted contact when sharing experiences with friends that have those preferences. I’m not so sure about this one because they are actually arguing about mint choco and not every argument that they come up with necessarily makes allusion or is aplicable to the lgbtq topic but it could maybe be compared to the fear of being hit on by an individual of your same sex - which is a common fear.

Minority team then suggests people should first ask each other about their preferences and that way avoid unpleasant situations.

Comparison -

The opposition argues that even if they know about each other's tastes that won’t prevent either party from pursuing what they want.

Jk suggests they take precautionary measures and separate for certain scenarios. Jin later responded by saying Koreans value attachment.

A possible comparison is this below scenario where some members of a group of friends wanted to go to a gay club but the males of the group were disgusted by the idea in fear of being flirted with or groped by gay men, which is apparently something that men in general do - gay or straight - in Korea’s club culture. It was a problem because they all wanted to party together.

Knowingly, the opposition says something quite ridiculous. Tae said he wanted his friend to read his mind and know about his taste without the need to ask. This can be compared to those who find it offensive when someone doesn’t automatically know they are straight, as if they were bewildered by someone possibly thinking they were anything but straight (*Reminder: he’s playing a part).

Teammates absolutely love the irrational but emotional comment. Perfect for what they are going for.

Minority team rejects such emotional responses. It’s dangerous territory because a lot of harm has been derived from clouded judgment caused by strong emotions such as phobias.

The opposition says you can’t remove emotions from humankind, to which Jk says he too has friends. He also has emotions like any other but wouldn’t be offended by such questions.

Opposition then says it saddens them when they see all the mint choco left-over that people didn’t buy. They say it goes against market principles because it has low demand.

Comparison -

The opposition says it’s a waste of ingredients. This can be compared to people saying it’s a waste if you aren’t able to reproduce.

Comparison -

The minority team asks for coexistence.

Comparison -

They end up running a poll to see how many people in the entire room like mint choco. Turns out it’s between a 10% and a 15% of the staff. These numbers are very similar to the suspected percentage of worldwide lgbtq population - data which is part of popular knowledge. There are certainly many commonalities.

(There are many bi people that would never admit it nor act upon it).

Regardless of the comparatively small numbers, it’s said minorities should still be taken into account and their needs should be met.

Comparison -

The moderator then utters some peace-making words. They seem to serve as a cue because the opposing team starts to take a step back so as to find common ground.

Mint choco team emphasizes their simple wish to be respected as a minority.

The opposition is willing to accept on the condition that they always ask if it’s ok to add their debated preference into the shared experience so that they have the chance to decline, or simply decide.

They also come up with the idea of mixing chocolate into their mint toothpaste in order to get used to the taste and eliminate the negative thoughts associated with it. It’s a method that replicates the mint choco flavour but without having to actually swallow, just familiarize oneself with it.

This reminds me of how consuming  media with lgbtq representation helps society come to terms with their existence, combats ignorance / prejudices and makes people much more likely to welcome their inclusion.

“Western countries in which being lgbtq is broadly accepted have tv shows with lgbtq representation. That kind of culture being liked by the general public helps the lgbtq community in being incorporated into the general society”

(netizen in favour of gay marriage due to watching american tv shows)

They all agree that both parties should be considerate of each other.

Joon really liked his mint choco toothpaste idea and further explains when questioned, dramatizing his words as he says he’d do it “to understand them” (*Reminder: Joon is already in touch with lgbtq culture).

Comparison -

They all are now finding consensus and preaching a positive message of tolerance and respect to construct a better world where everyone has a place, which was the initial plan all along.

MC gives final cue -

Messages they want to transmit -

Comparison -

Mutual consideration -

Agreement -

Joon comes up with another idea so that the minorities can easily recognize each other and happily interact, being able to share experiences that they commonly enjoy. He wishes for a peaceful world.

Comparison (minorities tend to seek a community) -

Jimin confesses that they began the debate with the intention of “conceding for others”. Definition:

Debates aren’t normally like that. What they were first carrying out could be classified as a competitive debate, but they just used it as a tool to bring a fitting topic forward, create a heated situation that mimicked society, and later deviate so that they could put a message across and set a good example. They all clearly wanted to campaign in favour of minorities. Info that I gathered on how it normally goes:

“In a debate, opposing arguments are put forward to argue for opposing viewpoints. Logical consistency, factual accuracy and some degree of emotional appeal to the audience are elements in debating, where one side often prevails over the other party by presenting a superior "context" or framework of the issue.” 

“Competitive debates may be presided over by one or more judges or adjudicators. Both sides seek to win against the other while following the rules. One side is typically in favor of (also known as "for", "Affirmative", or "Pro") or opposed to (also known as "against", "Negative", "Con") a statement, proposition, moot or Resolution. Both sides are required to embrace and defend their own positions, otherwise it’s not a debate.”

When the time comes for Tae’s final remark, he takes the opportunity to remind them that he is neutral towards mint choco (the actual flavour) but after hearing all their points he declares he now likes it. This doesn’t make much sense because your taste doesn’t change no matter how much you empathize or agree with certain postures.

He pauses before his statement and then lets out a bashful chuckle when he continues. They all laugh quite soundly - too much of a reaction. It gives the impression of an inside joke. To me it’s like he’s now specifically referring to the hidden double meaning - to him being lgbtq.

Joon even covers his face with his arm like he too felt shy by extension -

Vmin high-five as Jimin gives it up for him. Note how Tae had his hands clasped tightly together while he laughed. That’s another indicator of awkwardness / anxiousness. It’s an unconscious way to hug himself and close off.

High-five:

Tae finishes his wishes -

Good news -

The recap of what they all want to convey is to respect each other’s differences -

Comparison (Pride festival) -

(http://www.vlive.tv/video/112445/playlist/27764)

The end ! :) Hope you found it sensible enough.

As a final note I’ll leave you with their message for the Love Myself campaign.

[butterfly-winx]

Andros

- Most people only know Andros as ‘that prison planet with the island full of dudes, right?’ This misconception stems from several factors.

- When outsiders first came and visited Andros, what they found was indeed wast oceans and a handful of dry land inhabited by people who to the rest of the magical world looked like men. (Hence the inaccurate descriptor of “andro", as in male)

- Though Andros had it’s own diverse gender culture, it was not very dimorphic to be obvious to onlookers. Through cultural osmosis and their trade with other folk, they adopted many binary gender descriptors and physical attributes that they started to copy, mainly to fit in. A leader became a King, femme and masc presenting people began to predominantly date each other. Many scholars consider this to be the Big Cultural Dilation of Andros and wish to turn back to pre-contact days to restore their innate gender variety.

- But still off-worlders wonder, how is it possible for Androsians to reproduce when we thought all of them were cis dudes and half of them still live underwater? Well Androsian people are the only ones in the entire universe to be born completely magically.

- Androsian babies are born of a mound of birth-soil that is constructed by the couple wishing for a child and prayed to for four to eight weeks, imbued with genuine wishes, hopes, and proof of effort that the family is willing to put into raising the child. The last part is usually demonstrated by little hand-carved gifts from the extended family as well. Then finally, lightning will strike the mound gifting the child its first heartbeat and the couple will be able to dig their baby out of the mud.

- Birth-soil can’t be used twice, but in some families it is tradition to mingle a tiny bit of other beloved family member’s soil in there to strengthen their connection to the child and to honour their ancestors by letting their legacy continue in new life.

- In modern society, children are born with a placeholder name. Most common are Chiddi and Chita - Layla knew six whole Chiddis in her primary school. Them when the child is ready and feels like expressing a binary gender, they chose a name for themselves which the family validates with a small celebration. Layla was torn between ‘Layla’ and ‘Aisha’ for such a long time, that there are still parts of her family who call her Aisha to show support for her almost name, making her feel like she didn’t lose out too much by putting Layla down on paper officially.

- People who chose to be female can medically or magically transition. Equally, if someone changes their mind about their gender after their initial Choice, they can do the same without a hitch. Andros has the highest amount of trans people of all the magical dimension, closely followed by Zenith.

- Because people are born from mud, the concept of intermarrying does not exist on Andros. Powerful families generally preselect spouses for their children at a young age and such couples usually go through a quiet and amicable union as they lack the traumatic aspect that folk with other reproductive habits have. The primary goal of the couple is simply to find a working angle in their relationship so that when the time comes, their wishes and prayers for a child of their own can be genuine. The couple is not cut off from their respective families or social life even when there is a status imbalance between the two parties (in a situation that would be considered “marrying into a powerful family” on other planets). 

 - At the end of a person’s life Androsian funeral practices honour the circle of their existence by returning the body to soil. The process is akin embalming, in which the body gets covered in clay, microorganism rich starters, and seeds. The clay cocoon is then laid to rest in a designated cemetery area. Some people, predominately sorcerers however prefer a water burial, for they believe there will be a need for the physical strength of their body in the afterlife when they pay their magical toll, so slow decomposition is not their favoured way to go. A water funeral is technically a pire funeral, only here powers of the ocean are summoned to instantly degrade the body into fine dust that is then spread by the family in the ocean or another previously designated place that was important to the deceased. Following a burial there is always a celebration of life. Family and friends reminisce about the good times they had with the deceased and engage in festivities that are considered to be the largest exhibition of hedonism in the entire magical dimension. 

 - It is well known that most of the population are merpeople, but it is lesser known that for a long while they were the only humanoid life on the planet.

- Land dwelling life is not native to Andros. Merpeople had always been fascinated by the few islands worth of landmass that was like a forbidden Eden to them. Few had ever set eyes on it as only a handful of merpeople knew how to fly using their lungwings (the protrusion on their back meant for underwater breathing) and even they trained for the task their whole lives. So people turned to a different alternative and used their unique way of procreation to bridge the gap. The first couples built their birth mounds on land and prayed that their offspring may be able to walk on land. Wishes granted it took several generations to make the land habitable, but land-dwellers are prospering since and have now completely split from merfolk, politically and culturally - so much that off-planet people consider landfolk “people” and merfolk the “magical creatures”.

- Land-dwellers struggle with their geographic limitations a lot. They build their cities up to he very edge of tide-swept ocean, utilising the space they have to the last patch for agriculture. Wading through knee deep floods is a small price to pay for food on the table every season. Sometimes they fill the land between islands where the distance is narrow enough, or try to build bridges. However the most reliable form of transport is still by boat, be it transport of products, produce animals or even general public transport. Visiting Andros is not for the easily sea-sick! Seafaring is the lifeblood of Androsian people, it is the heartbeat that keeps industry and social interactions going.

- After establishing contact, Andros had really been only used as a prison planet. When fly-bys over the Omega dimension became too dangerous and too long a mission just to drop off criminals, people looked for a different solution. Just letting them fall from outer space in their capsules wasn’t working either as many shattered upon impact, freezing during the drop rather than combusting, and that challenged a lot of right debates, equating the procedure to ‘an execution by probability’ - not like freezing them in ice was technically a lot different from killing them.

- But Andros had a unique feature, which was the central ocean gate hub. As opposed to the ocean gates of other planets that lead only from the planet into the infinite ocean, Andros’ gate could be used to pass another gate at the same time. Technically this portal could have lead anywhere - and Valtor was using this feature gratuitously- but it was set up by Androsian sorcerers to selectively lead to the Omega dimension in a one way system.

- Other than the sometimes very, sometimes not so much lucrative prison system, Andros supports itself on its maritime based industry. They have several shipyards that design and test sea vessels for customers all over the dimension. Local fish and other seafood is also coveted, as well as sea based minerals such as pearls and high quality fine quartz sand that is commonly used in modern fibreoptics.

- Andros has only grown beyond its main function for the magical dimension recently and has a difficult time shaking its stereotype. It is a newly rising middle class kingdom, it doesn’t command an army of mentionable size and is not part of the Company of Light as of yet.

[blog-of-a-multitude-of-fandoms]

Randomly something about the world will just piss me off and I feel like I need a mini rant about it. Today this is sex positivity and sex education.

A little backstory, I grew up in a small English town that although my primary and secondary schools were not religious, they were heavily biased by Protestant Christianity. (This is going to be shitting on religion, just to let you know the bias of the education, specifically sex education)

We had some form of sex education from probably the age of seven or eight, discussing relationships, biology and the like. Throughout primary school it was a focus on learning the mechanics and science behind it (definitely 100% important but definitely not the only aspect that needs to be taught), learning about puberty and periods and having a lot of diagrams of the Male and female sexual organs. Very little past that was taught, just what puberty is giving you and a vague concept of the fact of penetrative sex along with pregnancy.

Into secondary school, very little beyond this was explored. We were encouraged to believe in sex being the same as gender, and that sexual intercourse was for a man and woman whom had an emotional bond (although sex before marriage wasn’t taught as wrong). We learnt about contraception, heavily focused of abstinence with a light peppering of condoms and the pill with the vague mention of a few others. In discussing contraception we were separated and only the girls learnt about the importance of it and encouraged to carry condoms if they were thinking of having sex as boys were unlikely to do so.

We also learnt of STIs although very little was touched on it other than the only way to be sure to not get one was not having sex and to visit clinics regularly if there are concerns.

Past this we weren’t taught too much. I cannot speak much about what boys learnt other than what friends have told me. All I truly know is for anyone who experienced my sex education, wasn’t given anything remotely useful.

I don’t know how things have changed now but some key things that certainly in secondary school sex education should be included.

Actually being taught by a trained professional whom has extensive knowledge on human biology, sexually transmitted diseases (prevention and treatement) and the social elements that come with such a thing. We were taught by random teachers without additional training past their subject speciality.

The class should not be split. Boys need to learn about periods as much as girls. They may not have to experience them but a lot of people in their lives will. Periods should be normalised and not considered something to fear. I had a male friend go in my bag and find a sanitary towel tin (I’ve never heard of anyone else using one but my mum bought me a little tin to hide a pad in) and when he found out what was inside he threw it, grossed out by it.

Puberty affects people differently but everyone should learn about this, not split by biological sex. Transgender, non-binary and gender dysmorphia should be taught, even if not in a great amount of detail.

Sex shouldn’t be taught as something incorrect. Sex should be taught in a way to explain healthy relationships with it (regardless of if it is within a relationship) and consent should be taught predominantly.

Rape and rape culture should be taught. The quicker it is discouraged, the quicker people realise how wrong it is. There should also be clear information about how to handle if you are or someone else is raped or sexually assaulted, including helplines and information about whom you can talk to for help in the matter.

Contraception should be taught to all in detail along with how to access it as most forms underage people can receive it from clinics or even GPs without parental consent.

Abstinence shouldn’t be taught as the only right way. It can be suggested as an option but certainly not put above all else.

Pregnancy, abortion and adoption. Options should be explained and further information should be given to some form of planned parenthood and whom people can go to to get help if they need it.

Masturbation should be taught as more than a joke pointed towards boys. We were told it was what dirty teenage boys do, when it is really a completely natural thing for men and woman alike.

Sex positivity as a key element. Sex isn’t inherently bad by any means and not having it is as equally valid. Your choice should be what is taught and that having sex in or out of a relationship or not having sex at all are all perfectly fine as long as that is your choice.

LGBT. Learning about different sexualities, the spectrum of them and that not knowing is okay. At such a vulnerable time teenagers should be shown support in exploring their sexuality and knowing whatever they choose along with being uncertain is valid. And simply discussing anything other than heterosexual sex. Along with this, information on help against prosecution to do with sexuality should be given.

Gender vs biological sex. Learning about different genders beyond the binary, giving access to help if needing to discuss such things or to escape prosecution of them along with learning how complex gender and sex are beyond what is noted at birth.

Homophobia and transphobia Discouraging bullying and hatred for people whom are not heterosexual and cis. Discussing that they are things that people have to face but with the correct education on the matters there is no reason to fear or show prejudice to how someone lives their lives as long as they are not harming themselves or others.

Most importantly, opening a discussion and encouraging conversations. Talking about sex is normal and should be welcomed. It shouldn’t be something taboo and we should be able to discuss sex openly when needed or wanted.

I’ve probably missed some vital points but this is just my sleepy haze of annoyance. Please message me if something needs to be added or if you want to have a productive discussion.

[nineteensixtieschikadee]

Rhaegar is in no way the most important character of ASOIAF. A character who died before the story cannot be the true hero or the main protagonist or whatever you want to call it. Also, saying that Ned and Rhaegar are the two sides of Jon is silly. It ignores Lyanna. If Jon is the song of ice and fire, then Lyanna is ice and Rhaegar is fire. Replacing Lyanna with Ned is sexist. The mothers are absent enough in the story as it is.

🤦🤦🤦 I’m assuming that you’ve come here because you stumbled upon my post: JON SNOW AND HIS TWO FATHERS: A BALANCE BETWEEN ICE AND FIRE. I’m not gonna bother arguing, but I totally 100% recommend you to read the ASOIAF NOVELS. Because there you can read Jon’s pov’s and see for yourself why Jon has equal part’s of Rhaegar’s traits, as he does of Ned’s. (And Lyanna’s.)

Let’s talk about your first point, first. RHAEGAR IS CONSIDERED THE REAL MAIN CHARACTER OF ASOIAF. Grrm has said it himself too, he’s always wanted to write a story where the main character dies before the actual story begins. And who do you think that is? I’m going to assume that YOU’RE A CASUAL SHOW WATCHER only. Because even the BIGGEST Rhaegar Anti’s who HAVE READ THE BOOKS, will admit that Rhaegar is literally THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER in the Ice and Fire Universe, or at least in the whole ASOIAF NOVELS. Just because the character is long dead from the actual story, doesn’t mean the character isn’t important or isn’t the TRUE PROTAGONIST. The show literally did a SHITTY JOB of conveying Rhaegar’s character that it is so easy to see him as a crazy psycho asshole who left his wife and children for a younger woman. Not the kind of protagonist you’d want to read about. But !BOOK Rhaegar was FAR MORE COMPLEX than that of his show counterpart. Because in the books, Rhaegar actually cared for his family. For Elia and their children. He LOVED Elia as a friend. They had a good, and mutual, and respectful relationship, but also a COMPLEX one. I probably didn’t do a good job explaining Rhaegar’s intentions and how that affects Jon in my previous post. But the reason why Rhaegar is CONSIDERED the real main character in the GOT universe, is because HIS ACTIONS had set forth ALMOST EVERY SINGLE MAJOR CHARACTER ARC IN THE ASOIAF NOVELS. And even up to the 5th book of asoiaf, HIS ACTIONS ARE STILL CAUSING THE RIPPLE AFFECT 14 YEARS LATER. (20 years in the show.) The Rebellion started because of the Mad King. Even before Lyanna was “kidnapped,” everyone was plotting to overthrow Aerys and put Rhaegar on the Throne. Rhaegar’s actions was the one that TRIGGERED the actual actions for the characters of Robert, Ned, etc. And exactly how did it come to this? Because Rhaegar believed in the Azor Ahai prophecy. Like Jon, Rhaegar IGNORED the “smaller problems,” and instead LOOKED AT THE BIGGER PICTURE. His motivations to bring forth Azor Ahai is what lead to his actions, which lead to Robert’s Rebellion, which lead to the events of Game of Thrones. It’s kinda like saying, “the ends justify the means.” It was either “save the world” from the threat up North, or DIE because the people failed to come together to fight them. Because of Rhaegar’s actions to fulfill this prophecy, Lyanna was “kidnapped,” and then Brandon died, so Ned had to marry Cat to gain the alliance of the Tullys. Which then lead to the BIRTH OF THE STARK CHILDREN. And then because of Rhaegar’s actions, Robert started a war to win Lyanna back, which lead to the sac of Kings Landing. Which lead to Tywin betraying Aerys. Which lead to the deaths of Elia and their children, which lead to the exile of Daenerys and Viserys, which lead to the death of Aerys, which lead to the coronation of Robert, which lead to Cersei marrying Robert, which then lead Varys supporting “Aegon (Young Griff). And then it eventually lead back to the VERY BEGINNING OF THE START OF THE SERIES. It lead to Ned adopting Jon. And I’m sure you’re smart enough to see where else Rhaegar’s actions brought the other characters. Yes, Rhaegar may have not been “a part” of the series or influenced the lives “PERSONALLY” of all the major players, but you’d be stupid to assume that Rhaegar had no importance or impact on the story being told now. You don’t have to be alive to have an impact on a story. That’s like saying Martin Luther King JR. didn’t have an impact on ending racism because HE’S LONG DEAD. (Yeah lol, even that doesn’t make sense. So why say the same thing about Rhaegar?) Let’s also not downplay the reasons behind Rhaegar’s motivations. Because the Azor Ahai prophecy in the books ISN’T JUST a prophecy. IT’S THE ENTIRE BACKBONE OF THE STORY AT AND BEYOND THE WALL. The EVENTS INVOLVING AZOR AHAI is considered a REAL event that took place thousands of years before the story began. And we can assume that it was real, because the White Walkers are real. MAGIC IS REAL. And it is slowly coming back because the dragons are back. Here’s a really nice video and analysis to support the claim that Rhaegar is INDEED the protagonist of ASOIAF. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrhqmMRv1gQ And NO. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE A HERO TO BE THE PROTAGONIST. NO ONE IN GAME OF THRONES IS A “HERO.” JUST MORALLY GRAY CHARACTERS. 

Now for your second point, I just wanna say first, how dare you assume that I’m being sexist because I’m apparently “replacing” Lyanna with Ned. 😂😂😂 Lmao excuse me but LYANNA IS MY GURL. After Arya, SHE IS MY FAVORITE FEMALE STARK. LYANNA, JON, AND ARYA ARE MY FAVORITE STARKS. And I would NEVER degrade Lyanna’s importance in Jon’s story. Lyanna is SINGLE-HANDEDLY THE MOST IMPORTANT WOMAN IN JON’S NARRATIVE/LIFE JUST AFTER ARYA. Even if he doesn’t know it yet. And that is because Jon’s whole identity crises comes from not knowing that Lyanna was his mother. When you read my post, did you not see me making comparisons between Jon, Rhaegar, Ned AND LYANNA?? Because I’m pretty sure I mentioned Lyanna a couple of times. And you’re right. Lyanna represents ice, and Rhaegar represents fire. And Jon represents the balance between those two. But there are a lot of others ways to interpret ice and fire as well. Not just Lyanna and Rhaegar. For example while Rhaegar and Lyanna literally represent Fire and Ice personified, Jon and Daenerys can mirror to represent Ice and Fire figuratively. Or if you’re a Jonsa shipper, you could also say Sansa represents the fire, and Jon the ice? Or if you want Jonrya as they are a direct parallel of Rhaegar and Lyanna, both Jon and Arya themselves represent Ice and Fire as well. So when I said Rhaegar and Ned were a balance between Ice and Fire, I meant it as ONE WAY to interpret ice and fire, from the million of other ways that it can be interpreted from. In that post, I was talking about the importance of Jon’s fathers, and how Ned’s honor and morals, BALANCES Rhaegar’s passion, intelligence and leadership. Which in turn makes Jon a POWERFUL, INTELLIGENT, AND HONORABLE PERSON WORTHY OF BECOMING KING. (Someone who isn’t corrupt like literally all the other candidates for the throne. Or idiotic, for that matter)

This is a long post, but I hope I answered your criticisms accordingly. As always, hit up those asoiaf books. They may be big and fat. But they’re easy, and worth the read. :)

[piccolina-mina]

I tend to blend my romantic ships, friendships, and family ships as one. If I love a dynamic enough, I don't care what they are or end up being as long as I get that relationship in some capacity.

So I often get arguments about why certain relationships feel familial or are friendships. And I know people are entitled to their opinions and often have valid reasons for them too.

But I still get 😬 when without fail, specific dynamics are INSTANTLY put in non-romantic categories. The same arguments resurface.

"They're better as friends." Which, fine, but also, that doesn't exclude romance. Don't you want to be friends with your lover too?

Some of the most iconic ships started as friends first, right? Friends to lovers is popular for a reason. Many people have at least a foundation with someone before they embark on a romantic relationship together.

Ginny Baker had half of her team willing to die for her by the end of Pitch. She and Duarte confided in each other a bit, and it was a solid friendship that could have easily been something more but wasn't. Blip was the closest to a best friend she had walking into that locker room and remained so all season, but those friendships are diminished because Ginny and Mike should just be platonic since you don't see that. But you do ... in the same show.

"Why can't they just be platonic? We need more platonic relationships" There is an abundance of them though. Focusing on the primary characters or your favorite characters at the expense of everything else does not mean there are no platonic relationships. And friends to lovers usually starts with genuine friendship that starts of platonic and then may evolve from there.

Hacy from Charmed may not be platonic. But Harry and Maggie and Harry and Mel obviously are and those relationships are cultivated and important too. Mina from the resident has genuine platonic friendships with Devon and Conrad and Irving (he used to have a crush on her but has moved on), but a hint of her pursuing something more with AJ and it's suddenly "why can't they just be platonic we need more platonic relationships.)

"They're like siblings" I mean, cool. I get it. I can even see it, but sometimes the set up for why they're like siblings is generally the same set up for best friends, or friends to lovers, or enemies to lovers etc, but it gets coded as sibling-like for specific couples right out the gate. There's a reason why bromance became a thing and it dances on the line of being equal parts platonic or potentially romantic.

Also, using a common ground and relationship both individuals share with someone else to make them platonic. Like if they share a similar bond with a parental- like figure in their life that immediately means they can only be platonic with one another and coding a non-blood related or familial related relationship as incestuous.

Example: Boy Meets World. Shawn Hunter was nearly adopted by the Matthews' more than once. It was implied often that he was like Alan's son. He lived with them before and spent holidays with them. But it never stopped Cory and Shawn from being shipped often. It was probably just as popular as Cory and Topanga.

But despite The Flash following a canon relationship. A constant criticism of WestAllen is that because Barry viewed and was treated like a son by Joe, and they lived in the same house, he and Iris are like siblings. And therefore their relationship is incestuous. An argument that could be made for Brallie on The Fosters, since Callie was officially adopted, but not for The Flash where it wasn't the case. It's not an incest ship. And yet ...

"They don't have any chemistry" It's true chemistry will mostly be subjective, but it's also odd with series where chemistry test overall are utilized just to make sure the right people are chosen for the job.

Chemistry isn't explicitly romantic, chemistry and romance are not mutually exclusive, so "they don't have chemistry" is often a weird one. Maybe you don't like their chemistry, or you don't like what their chemistry can lead to, or you don't want it to be romantic chemistry, but just a flat out "no chemistry" is poorly articulated, especially when there are cases of insane chemistry that is mostly driving a series. (I.E Ichabbie from Sleepy Hollow or Sharpwin from New Amsterdam) some chemistry is undeniable. There's a distinction between "no chemistry" and hoping the chemistry isn't romantic.

"It's coming out of nowhere" is another interesting one because sometimes it's valid, but other times it's a case of someone not paying attention to what was being outlined for some time OR saying this the second something is hinted at when that specific moment is the starting point for something the writers are choosing to explore. It has to start somewhere, right? So you can't call "out of nowhere the second two characters you prefer not to be together share eye contact.

Example: Richonne on TWD. They spent seasons building this relationship up. From distrust to being each other's most trusted person. The attraction between them was even there delu enough if you paid attention, but since attraction is a part of life and doesn't always lead to anything, it could have meant nothing to meant everything but it was there. But one of the biggest complaints was "it came out of nowhere." Careese from POI "came out of nowhere, despite their dynamic being built for God knows how long. Meanwhile, Ruzek and Upton barely glanced at each other before they became a couple on Chicago PD.

Ben and Ryn on Siren is something everyone saw, but Ryn and Maddie and Ryn, Maddie, and Ben together "came out of nowhere." Not if you were paying attention. Yeah, I may as well add Maria and Michael from RNM in this too.

I'm seeing it again, and while I don't necessarily disagree with the latest dynamic in question and why people may not want to ship it, the repeat pattern gets me.

Since I've given examples, may as well point out that this is in part a reference to Brightwell on Prodigal Son. It's new, and I'm not even sure I romantically ship them or Malcolm with anyone to be honest.

But the main reasons why there are already people against the mere mention of them is all of the above reasons. And the thing is, there are many reasons why people wouldn't want to ship them: Malcolm's mental instability, just not seeing them in that way, it being too soon, it being unprofessional, loving the team dynamic more without romance. Liking the relationship as is and not wanting to tamper with it.

And all of that is valid as hell. I get it. I agree often enough myself. Fortunately, the fandom is really fun and open and genuinely nice and hilarious and one of my new favorites.

And I don't think it's one of those fandoms that veer toward problematic, but this is more so an observation on how fascinating it is that the same language is always used. Regardless of intentions or sentiment.

I do think many shippers wouldn't be put on edge, hell many non -shippers but just fans in general representative of what is being shown probably wouldn't be on edge or have their hackles raised if the exact same arguments weren't used against specific dynamics every single time almost instantly.

Like, I wonder if there are better ways to express why a certain relationship doesn't do it for you without dipping into that same well. And it is unfortunate that what should be innocent statements come off a certain way regardless, but even when you can tell it's not ill-intended the pattern and verbiage remain gobsmacking. Like clockwork. It's a quiet observation and I do wonder what if anything can be done about it.

[miss-musings]

“THE BLACKLIST” & WHY PEOPLE HATE LIZ SO MUCH

I’ve discussed on here several times how much I’ve been annoyed with the way TPTB have written Liz’s character over the course of the show. But, I tried to keep my frustration and annoyance directed more so at the writers/showrunners and less on the character herself or the actress Megan Boone.

However, after watching 6x10 “The Cryptobanker,” I think I may have finally hit the point where I really started to hate Liz in and of herself. So, I started writing this post, which I’ve added to and edited over the past few weeks, but I still stand by my original point.

Now, I follow the Blacklist on Facebook, and almost every single time there’s a new post, the top-voted comments are always praising Spader/Red and hating on Liz. I’ve seen people say she’s annoying, that they didn’t like this S6 plotline with her and her sister, that they hoped the show kills her off for real soon, etc.

I always thought that most of the comments were somewhat valid but maybe a little overblown (especially the ones about wanting her off the show). But, it really made me wonder why so many people hate -- and I mean HATE -- Liz so much.

While I admit that her character is starting to really get on my nerves, I’m going to try to put my personal feelings aside and tackle this objectively. I want to really look at what reasons within the show, its writing, its format, etc., Liz receives so much more hate -- vastly more than any other character on this show. As I said, Red/Spader is always highly praised along with Dembe, and I rarely if ever see comments complaining about Samar, Aram, Cooper and Ressler. I would guestimate that 95 percent of complaints about any one character are directed at Liz.

A THEORETICAL POSSIBILITY

Now, I will theorize -- and keep in mind that this is only a theory -- that part of the reason for this hatred toward Liz has to do with some male fans being misogynistic/sexist and some female fans’ annoyance at what a crappy avatar Liz makes for. (I’m talking about straight viewers, FYI.)

With regard to male fans, I think they look at Liz -- who at times has been terse, mean-spirited and vindictive -- and see her as a giant bitch. After all, that was the whole idea that Liz herself sets up in the pilot. She is not who her male colleagues expect her to be. She doesn’t play into the traditional feminine role of simpering, smiling and content to sit on the sidelines and let the men sort things out. (And, I’m really generalizing here.) So, I think it’s a fair assumption that some male fans have the same sentiments about Liz that her colleagues canonically have too.

As for the female fans, I think Liz might come off as a poor avatar. When you’re plunged into a fictional universe, usually there’s a character who’s plunged into the story along with you, and you learn as they do, to the point where you start to project yourself onto them. Think Neo in “The Matrix” or Harry Potter or Luke Skywalker. It’s every person’s fantasy to discover some great power within, harness it to defeat the bad guy and win the heart of the beautiful woman/handsome man in the process.

Liz was clearly meant to be our avatar into this universe. We were brought into the world along with her, saw her learn about Red, begin the Task Force, and plunge into this world of the FBI and the Blacklist.

Now, I imagine that for older women, especially, the fantasy is to be the kind of gal that a guy like James Spader would absolutely devote himself to. And that’s exactly how Red treats Liz -- like a woman he would do anything for. However, unlike many viewers, Liz is ungrateful for Red’s devotion and continual sacrifices for her benefit. Instead of seeing him as a savior and white knight, she often sees him as a nuisance and a terror in her life. I personally think she’s often justified in that, but I’d guess that 80 percent of the current audience is watching it simply for Spader’s performance alone. So, when the favorite actor’s character is not appreciated and is continually hated on by his co-lead character, it makes for uncompelling television from a “I want to project myself onto this character” kind of way.

But, with the theoretical discussion out of the way, let’s examine some more concrete reasons as to why people hate Liz.

LIZ IS OFTEN WISHY-WASHY (ie, has little conviction) WHEN IT COMES TO HER FEELINGS AND DESIRES.

This is what I’ve often described as the “Liz loves Red, Liz hates Red, Liz forgives Red” song-and-dance routine. But, there’s much more to it than simply Liz’s relationship with Red.

Liz was first introduced to us as a woman who wanted to start a family, and yet she thought about giving up her baby for adoption and then later gave Agnes away to her mother-in-law so she could spend more time on her revenge plans. The entire pilot goes out of its way to show Liz struggling with the demands of being an FBI agent and a prospective parent, and drives home the whole “Mommy Liz” vibe with the admiral’s daughter.

Yet, when she finds out she’s pregnant, she hesitates and thinks about giving it up for adoption. Then, when she has Agnes, she agrees to Kaplan’s plan to fake her death so she and Tom and Agnes can be happy and safe away from his world. And, later when Agnes gets kidnapped, she frets and worries about her constantly.

But, the minute she wakes up after being in a coma, she’s totally cool with pawning Agnes off to someone she’s never really met. Cool.

I realize there are mitigating circumstances, but this is a woman who made all her loved ones -- Red, Cooper, Ressler, Samar, Aram, any family members she had left (except Tom) -- believe she was dead so she could live with her daughter in a safe location!!!

The idea that Liz wouldn’t just drop everything and give up the Task Force indefinitely to heal and spend time with her daughter after losing 10 months of time with her is absurd, IMO.

But, no, revenge is far more important.

It’s also really annoying that after finding out Tom had betrayed her, she was able to give him a second chance and continued to love him despite all sorts of stuff in Seasons 2-5, but the minute Red does anything, she wants to drop him like heavy airline luggage.

So, in case you forgot: in S1, she found out that Tom had been lying to her, manipulating her, and abusing her. So, after shooting him in the S1 finale, she chains him up on a boat for several months in an effort to make him useful to the Task Force. However, the minute that she hits the “hates Red” part of her “love Red, hate Red, forgive Red” cycle, she runs right back to Tom and very quickly forgives him. And, while her positive feelings for Tom continue from late S2b until his death in 5x08, her feelings about Red are all over the place, as mentioned.

Now, in her defense, her feelings about him seem to waver whenever a crucial piece of information about his involvement in her life is discovered. When Tom’s fake passports were traced back to Red in 1x06, she blamed him and said she didn’t want to work with him anymore. But, then the very next episode, when he offers to leave the Task Force completely, she doesn’t tell him to do so.

And, when Red admitted to killing Sam toward the end of S1, she was again ready to let him leave. But then at the end of the episode, she stops him.

In S2, when Liz believes that Red was only interested in her for the Fulcrum, and never really cared about her, she gives him the cold shoulder. And then when he admits that he did hire Tom to be in her life, her coldness toward him again grows.

While they’re on the run together in S3, their relationship is at its best, arguably. Until she finds out she’s pregnant and he tells her that the fight is not over, and she doesn’t want her child to be in Red’s world. (Which is understandable)

And on and on it goes through S4 and S5 and now S6. The minute Liz realizes  that he stole her father’s identity, she’s ready to burn him to the ground. But then only a few episodes later, she’s teary-eyed and regretting that she turned him into the authorities.

AS OPPOSED TO RED’S ... 

But, what really makes this all so annoying is the fact that while Liz’s feelings toward Red are cyclical, his feelings for her are constant, enduring, and never wavering. I mean, he’s basically Garth Brooks’ “Shameless” in human form. He is completely devoted to her, would give his life for hers without hesitation, and has loved her (in some form or another) far longer and far deeper than she has seemingly ever loved him.

If both of them liked each other, or if both of them disliked each other initially but then grew closer over time, the show would be much better. For instance, ABC’s Castle -- while it definitely has its flaws -- started off with the two leads liking each other from the start. Yeah, maybe they’re trying to get used to each because he’s a goofball and she’s kind of a hard ass, but it seems like by the end of the pilot, they both generally like each other as acquaintances.

Or NBC’s “The Enemy Within” -- which is eerily similar to TBL and I’ll have to do a whole post on their similarities some other time -- which starts off with the two leads being tenuous with each other. He hates her, and she is kind of neutral toward him, but the two of them need to cooperate to accomplish a shared goal.

This was never the case with Liz and Red on TBL. In the pilot, Liz is very wary of Red, as she should be. However, he -- according to Zamani -- is obsessed with her, and it’s clear that he cares about her far more than he should. To our knowledge, Red has never met adult Liz. He’s seen her from afar and kept tabs on her, of course, but this was the first time he’d met her (presumably) since The Night of the Fire. And from that meeting, his love has only grown, while hers -- as discussed -- has been all over the place.

THE TWO ARE NOT EQUAL

As I’ve said in previous posts, while the show wants Red and Liz to be partners, they are really so unequal on multiple levels. The same could be said of the two leads on “The Enemy Within, but their inadequacies tend balance each other out. She has all the know-how, but he has the freedom and jurisdiction to do things, and he is the one who ultimately makes the decision on what his team should tackle and how. She has some of the power in their dynamic, and he has some as well. Thus, their advantages tend to cancel each other out.

This is not the case with Red and Liz. All this time, Red has withheld crucial pieces of information from her, which he gives to her in piecemeal and only when she demands them. I won’t judge whether that’s the right or wrong thing to do, but it puts her at a disadvantage as far as their dynamic goes. And while Liz should be given some advantage of her own, she really doesn’t have one. Red has an immunity agreement and gets to do pretty much whatever he wants, unlike on “The Enemy Within” where the male FBI agent has some say over what privileges the female CI has because she’s still in custody.

I guess the one advantage that Liz has over Red is that he’s told her he will never lie to her. And she has confronted him and asked him direct questions before because she knows he *has* to tell her to truth if she does. But, that doesn’t stop him from stalling, changing the subject, or trying to do a verbal workaround.

And then, when the show was promoting S6, they made it seem like the power was finally in Liz’s hands -- she knows he’s an impostor and he doesn’t know that she knows.

But, while the show tried to give Liz a bit of an edge over Red, it ultimately fizzled out. She knows he’s an impostor, but she no longer has an interest in pursuing it. Which goes back to my previous point about her not having conviction. She wanted to destroy Red, and betrayed him to ensure that he wouldn’t get in the way of her and Jennifer’s quest to find out his true identity. But then, she drops it.

Again, I realize there was a lot going on -- Jennifer was kidnapped; Red was almost executed. And while I think the fact that, right now, she’s fine with not having all the answers is a sign a maturity, it’s also incredibly frustrating to see how she went from 0 to 100 in such a short span of time.

Anyway... moving on to my next major point:

LIZ DOESN’T FEEL LIKE A REAL PERSON

Relative to the screentime she’s received, Liz does not feel like a real person, but merely a plot device or a vehicle for Red’s schemes and/or the Task Force’s missions.

Very rarely do we get to see her on her own, doing her own things, outside of Red/the Task Force -- going to the store, doing chores at home, hanging out with her kid, etc. The only times we do are when it’s relevant to the overall plot. Like when she gets beat up in the parking lot in 3x11 or when she brings that Lady Ambrosia kid over to her house, tries to cook him something, and then the fire alarm goes off.

She seems solely to exist within Red’s/the Task Force’s orbit.

I feel like the fact that Liz doesn’t have any friends or family outside of the Task Force, Red and Tom (when he was alive), really speaks to how she seems to exist more as a character, not as a person within a fictional universe.

She doesn’t seem to have any hobbies, and outside of her mentioning the Wizard of Oz and a few other things, she doesn’t really seem to have any interests in anything.

By comparison, we have lots of scenes with Red and Dembe, doing puzzles, playing cards and board games. We know Red enjoys art and food/alcohol and traveling, and he has a penchant for some types of drugs -- his favorite being sex.

And even Aram enjoys Doctor Who, biking and cooking.

I’m not saying that Liz needs to start chatting with Ressler about Monday Night Football or playing pool at some local dive bar, but something! Just a line about how she Skyped with Agnes last night, or her talking to Samar or Aram about her trying to decide whether she should download Tinder and try to get back into the dating scene, or a scene of her running around a park but she’s disturbed by memories from her past. Just something. Something to make her feel like a real person, who does things outside of the Task Force.

Again, I always hate the fact that Liz was supposed to have all these friends in S1 (the house party at the end of 1x03 and the vow renewal later in S1), and yet, they seemed to have vanished. I hate the fact that Liz doesn’t have any support system outside of Red and the Task Force. The girl needs friends! Hobbies! Interests! Something!!!

LIZ TRIES TOO HARD TO PROVE HERSELF, GETS IN TROUBLE, AND OFTEN NEEDS TO BE RESCUED BY RED AND/OR THE TASK FORCE AS A RESULT

This gets into a personal pet peeve of mine where Liz reassures people that she can do things. In the most recent case, she told her sister that she was definitely capable of deceiving Red and keeping him from finding out that she knows.

But then within the episode or two, Red definitely knows that Liz is up to something because she has been acting weird around him. And, before she begs Dembe not to tell Red that she was the one who betrayed him, Red was pretty certain that she was the one who did. I would suggest that the minute he was arrested, he had a good suspicion it was her. Hence why he said that what he would do to his betrayer would depend on who they were. He was hedging his bets, in case it was Liz.

Liz and Jennifer kept going back and forth on trying to convince the other that they could pull off this “Find Red’s true identity” side-plot, but ultimately, Jennifer got kidnapped, Liz killed a dude, and ended up having to recruit Ressler and Red to help her find Jennifer and confront the people who took her.

This type of situation happens A LOT on the show. Liz will try to do her own thing (finding Red’s true identity, etc.) and it ultimately gets her into trouble. It seemed to happen more often in S1-3. One example I can think of was when she didn’t kill Tom, but instead captured and imprisoned him, and then he killed the Harbormaster and forced Liz to face charges for murder. Red and the Task Force and even Tom had to come to her rescue to make sure she didn’t face the consequences of her choices. Yes, Tom did kill the Harbormaster, but Liz was the one who had decided to chain him up on the boat in the first place. The murder is on him, but the imprisoning is on her.

Liz also killed the Attorney General, and Red and the Task Force (and Tom, once again) were ultimately responsible for saving her from the Director’s plot while she was trapped in The Box, bringing the Cabal’s actions to light, using the Director as the scapegoat for Hitchen and then getting Liz out of the murder charges by bringing in Karakurt. And then, later, Red was responsible for leveraging the President into pardoning her so that she could become an agent again.

Now, there have been a few occasions where Liz was kidnapped simply because she was an FBI agent, not because of her connection to Red or anything else. For instance, in 1x04 “The Stewmaker,” she’s kidnapped and almost killed because she had her own personal history with that Lorca guy.

But, again, too many times Liz is put in the “damsel in distress” position where either she’s in trouble or her life is threatened and others have to be the ones to save her, either by saving her life or by saving her from legal repercussions, etc.

In a way, this whole S6a has been the consequence of Liz’s actions, which she regretted and then was looking for any and all help to make sure Red wasn’t executed after she’d turned him in. Yes, Red was the one who insisted on the death penalty, but he never would’ve been in that situation if she hadn’t betrayed him. And ultimately, it was Cooper who came through and pressured the President into staying Red’s execution.

Going back to the “Red and Liz aren’t equals” thing, very rarely is Red the one who needs saving. And, even when he is, it isn’t always Liz who’s rescuing him. Again, Cooper was the one who saved Red from execution. Liz has saved him a few times that I can recall -- she stopped that guy from shooting him in 2x14 and she leveraged the Director into calling off the hit in 2x19.

But, again, Liz seems to be in trouble far more often than Red is, and she very rarely is able to save herself (with the solo-Liz episode being one of the few times she does). Meanwhile, Red is able to get out of jams on his own much more often, such as when he escapes Anslo in 1x10. And, he and the Task Force save her far more often than Liz and the Task Force save him. And, even then, sometimes Red saves her single-handedly (like in the S2 Super Bowl episode) while she usually has to work with others to save him.

Once again, I realize there are a lot of mitigating circumstances. Red has a vast criminal empire and more knowledge and resources than Liz does, most of the time. But, I do wish that 1) Liz wouldn’t be kidnapped or have her life/livelihood threatened so often and 2) that Red’s would be a tiny bit more frequently, so that *she* can save *him.*

It also doesn’t help that she was sidelined in S3b partly because she was a felon who was no longer able to be an agent on the Task Force and because both Liz the character and Megan Boone the actress were pregnant. And then she was sidelined again in S4a because of the whole felon thing / trying to get Agnes back.

TL;DR

I believe the reasons why people hate Liz  are similar to why people hate Sakura from the “Naruto” Universe (as YouTube channel SwagKage describes in this video):

Liz doesn’t get the character development she should relative to her screentime; and any development she does get seems to be cyclical and inconsistent. (ie, she acts however the writers need her to for the given arc/episode)

Liz often tries to do her own thing, despite warnings not to; and while she’s by no means useless to Red or the Task Force, she often has to be rescued (either directly or indirectly) far more than she does the rescuing.

Liz often acts demanding, ungrateful, and selfish -- or at least relative to how the audience might want her to act, especially with regard to Red. And, jumping off the second point, also has a bit of an ego and can be proud and willful, which as I theorized, might be a turn-off for some male viewers.

Also, the Lizzington shipper in me could point out the parallels between Sakura liking Sasuke (who was a giant dick to her) and hating Naruto (who was constantly helping her out) and Liz’s dynamics with Tom and Red, respectively, but I’ll leave you all to watch the video for yourself.

Overall, I think some of the reasons for hating Liz are valid, but as I said, I *try* not to direct my annoyance toward the character of Liz herself or Megan Boone, the actress, but rather the writers, who I feel need to take responsibility for what they’ve done and continue to do with this character.

Don’t take this to say that I hate the writers, but rather that I want them to do better. I want to see this show succeed and I want to see Megan have some amazing material to work with the same way that James seems to with Red.

I’ll say it again: I don’t hate this show; I merely want to offer up my criticisms and objective-ish insights into why I think people hate Liz so much. In that way, we fans can have a discussion and perhaps maybe the writers will take some of our points to heart.

For my next major TBL post, I’ll try to tackle the similarities between TBL and The Enemy Within. :D

[bigskydreaming]

Oh for fucking fuck’s sake.

Does NOBODY bother looking into WHY some things are considered taboo and inherently harmful and toxic, before just deciding “well *I* can’t think of any good reason to be against this, so obvsly there isn’t one”?

Reproductive concerns have absolutely fuck-all to do with why incest is considered toxic in modern societies, including incest between non-biologically related family members, like those via marriage or adoption. Which for the record, is not PSEUDO-incest, because there’s no such fucking thing, Ao3, incest is just incest, flat out. You’re either family or you’re not. The ‘why’ and ‘how’ of you being family is utterly irrelevant.

Like, incest is considered taboo because at our core, humans are social creatures. This is true even of the most introverted and reclusive members of our society. You can be that dude from My Side of the Mountain who fucked off to go live in the trees because algebra was hard or something, idek, and it would STILL be true, because the ONLY reason we have advanced so far as a species, is because of our species’ innate tendency to seek out and form bonds OUTSIDE of our immediate family group in order to thrive and perpetuate. Total agoraphobes who never leave the house are only able to do so because of the way our society has advanced - through the creation of more and more outspread bonds - to ALLOW for someone to survive solely ‘on their own,’ with the means and ability to access any resource or skillset they don’t have themselves via the internet, or delivery services, etc. 

Leaving aside the power dynamics inherent in EVERY family setting (which, I mean, you can’t, like you literally just fucking can’t, there is no ‘opt out’ function that lets you magically pretend that even TWINS don’t have power dynamics based on how they each relate to other members of their family, who gets along with their parents better, who tends to be considered the more responsible one, which tends to be blamed first whenever both get in trouble for the same thing, like....power dynamics exist within every family unit, this is inarguable, its not up for debate, its literally just not, buuuuuuuuuuuuut hey, let’s play make believe, and even IF we leave aside those for a second....)

So playing make believe and acting like every one in every family is on equal footing at all times in every which way, and no single person ever has more pull, more influence, more credibility, more responsibility over other members of their family.....incest is STILL inherently toxic, because it is the one and ONLY form of constructing relationship bonds in which those bonds are not formed by reaching OUT to other family groups and building bridges, extensions, links beyond just your immediate family group.....but rather, incest relies ONE HUNDRED PERCENT, on CANNIBALIZING existing relationship bonds.

And that absolutely, categorically, CAN NOT EVER ADD something to a person’s support structure, emotional tethers, or access to resources, etc.....it can ONLY consume what is ALREADY THERE.

And even more significantly, it almost inevitably co-opts EVERY OTHER family bond within the family group, as everyone’s ties to both members of the incest pair are thus forcibly altered to ‘theoretically’ prioritize those twos’ RELATIONSHIP bond as being more important than every other family member’s INDIVIDUAL bonds with each of those two.

You know how sometimes people joke/don’t really joke about how friends within really tight, closeknit groups of friends, who date each other, like, this is sometimes referred to as being ‘kind of incestuous’? Yeah, there’s a reason that turn of phrase came about. Consider what happens when two friends start dating, and then one like...let’s say for example one fucks up, gets drunk and cheats on the other one. It doesn’t make that person the most evil person alive and like, absolutely they should be cast aside by everyone who they’ve ever known, including their family, but it IS a big fucking deal, and its the kind of thing that absolutely and with validity, ends relationships. But in this case, both people in the relationship are equally close friends with EVERY other member of their close immediate friend group. Meaning no matter how much the others would like to ‘stay out of it’ and let them resolve it between themselves, they can’t. They’re too closely tied. If the two break up and the one that was cheated on never wants to see the other one again, which they have every right to, well, their friends are all affected by the fact that well, they literally have to pick sides, they have to figure out if its even POSSIBLE to still be friends with both, if even trying to is a betrayal of the friend who was cheated on, how can they justify ever asking both friends to be around them at the same time, etc.

Now, this is a tough situation all around, but its not actually incest, because at the end of the day, as complicated as it may be....they’re not family. They’re a friend group comprised of bonds each individual in the group formed OUTSIDE of their immediate family (whether that family is biological or a family of choice is irrelevant....all that matters is that in this particular scenario, all those involved have another more intimate, CORE group of ‘family’ bonds to retreat to for comfort or support should the worst happen and they lose their ties with the rest of their friend group, as a result of fallout from the failed relationship).

But pull things back to that core family group, no matter whether the bonds within it are all biological, a mix of biological and adopted, or all family-of-choice type bonds....the bottom line being this is the group that is a particular person’s last defense, most fundamental support system, the foundation all their other ties are built upon.....when you’re talking about THIS family unit.....there’s no ‘kind of incestuous’ or ‘pseudo-incest’ about it. Its just flat out incest, because ANY romantic or sexual relationship that forms between ANY two members of this family unit INEVITABLY entangle EVERY OTHER MEMBER OF THAT UNIT. There is no escaping it. One of THESE two cheats on the other, as an example? What the fuck are the rest supposed to do? Oh sorry, you can’t be our brother anymore because it would be too unfair of us to expect our other brother to sit through Christmas dinner with you, his ex? Sorry, parents of this family unit, in order to support your one child you must treat your other child the same way any other parent of a jilted or cheated upon child would treat their ex? 

Not to mention, hey, lol, I know you totally raised these kids as siblings their entire lives and view them in that light, but now that for some reason they’ve decided they’d rather be lovers instead, good luck trying to reconcile how the fuck you’re supposed to navigate that emotional minefield of them-as-your-individual-children and them-as-your-children’s-mutual-relationship, lolol but hey, there’s absolutely nothing selfish or potentially harmful-to-the-overall-family about forcing that paradigm shift on everyone you’re related to, whatsoever.

Then there’s the little matter of, hmm, how does this relationship even come about in the first place, given how taboo incest is in our society, if NEITHER of the two in question ACTUALLY have any more power or influence over the other in the first place? So, say its two siblings of relatively the same age and ‘position’ within the family structure.....so it just so happened that by most fortunate coincidence, BOTH siblings just up and decided AT THE SAME TIME, hey, I know society frowns upon this, but I’m just super hot for my sib, and I just gotta act upon it? LOL, really? There wasn’t actually any power imbalance in play, with one sibling who has the tendency to take the lead in situations throughout their childhood, being the one to instigate this? Is the rest of the family going to see it the same way? How about friends of the family? Nobody’s going to look at these two and assume, based on that family’s history or everybody’s mutual history with these two, separately and together, that one of the two had more to do with ‘convincing’ the other that this relationship was a good idea? And this assumption, right or wrong, isn’t going to potentially negatively impact all those peoples’ relationships with both siblings? And what if that assumption is correct? Isn’t that a problem with the relationship itself? And so on and so on and so on.

And ALL of these are just tips of the iceberg. The complexities of the fallout from an incestuous relationship are as infinite as the complexity of ANY family unit’s intricate interpersonal dynamics.

And meanwhile, the one truth that remains at the heart of all of this is there is one thing that NO incestuous relationship can EVER bring to a family unit, individuals within a family unit, or even just the two individuals in the relationship itself......

And that is something, ANYTHING, new.

Incestuous relationships, by their very nature, CAN NOT CREATE.

They can ONLY consume.

THAT is why they’re considered toxic.

And, y’know. Also the inevitable power dynamics innate to every family and individual members within a family group.

Since, y’know, this isn’t magical make believe and its not actually possible to pretend that power dynamics within existing family structures don’t exist and SUPER MEGA FOR SURE impact how family members relate to each other.

But whatever.

[transracialqueer]

Five Potential Side Effects of Transracial Adoption

by Sunny J Reed

A trans- anything nowadays is controversial, but one trans- we don’t hear enough about are transracial adoptees. This small but vocal population got their title from being adopted by families of a different race than theirs — usually whites. But adoption, the so-called #BraveLove, comes with a steep price; often, transracial adoptees grow up with significant challenges, partly due to the fact that their appearance breaks the racially-homogenous nuclear family mold.

I am transracially adopted. My work is an outgrowth of my experience, research, and conversations with other members of the adoption triad; that is, adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents. This piece is a response to the misunderstandings and assumptions surrounding transracial adoption, and I hope it brings awareness to some rarely-discussed side-effects of the practice. While this isn’t an exhaustive list, by any means, these are just a few of the struggles that many transracial adoptees grapple with on a daily basis.

1. Racial Identity Crises, or “You Mean I’m Not White?”

Racial identity crises are common among transracial adoptees: what’s in the mirror may not reflect which box you want to check. I grew up in a predominantly white town that barely saw an Asian before — let alone an Asian with white parents. Growing up, I’d forget about my Korean-ness until I’d pass a mirror or someone slanted their eyes down at me, reminding me that oh yeah, I’m not white.

There’s a simple explanation for this confusion: “As members of families that are generally identified as white,” writes Kim Park Nelson, “Korean adoptees are often assimilated into the family as white and subsequently assimilated into racial and cultural identities of whiteness.”

Being raised in an ethnically-diverse area with access to culturally-aware individuals would help keep external reactions in check, but still belies the race-based role you’re expected to play in public. Twila L. Perry relates an anecdote illustrating the complexities of being black but raised in a white family:

“A young man in his personal statement identified himself as having been adopted and reared by white parents, with white siblings and mostly all white friends. He described himself as a Black man in a white middle-class world, reared in it and by it, yet not truly a part of it. His skin told those whom he encountered that he was Black at first glance, before his personality-shaped by his upbringing and experiences-came into play.”

Positive racial identity formation might be transracial adoption’s greatest challenge since much of the dialogue related to race and color begins at home. Multiracial and interracial families sometimes have difficulties finding the language to discuss this problem, so it’s an uphill climb for transracial parents (Same Family, Different Colors is a great study on this).

Parents can begin by talking openly about their child’s race. Acknowledging differences is not racist, nor does it draw negative attention to your child’s unique status in your family. Instead, being honest about it places your child on the path to self-acceptance.

2. Forced Cultural Appreciation (à la “Culture Camps”)

Picture culture camp like band camp (no, not quite the band camp talked about in American Pie). The big difference is that, unlike band camp, culture camp expects you to learn heritage appreciation in the span of just one week instead of how to better tune your trumpet. Sometimes adoption agencies sponsor such programs, designed to immerse an adoptee in an intense week or two of things like ethnic food, adoptee bonding, and talks with real people of your race, as opposed to you, the poseur.

These camps often get the side-eye — and rightfully so. Critics argue that “fostering cultural awareness or ethnic pride does not teach a child how to deal with episodes of racial bias.”

Much like part-time church-going does little in the way of earning your way to the Pearly Gates, once-yearly visits with people that look like you won’t make you a real whatever-you-are. I know culture camps aren’t going away, so a better solution would be using these events as supplements to whatever you’re doing at home with your child, not as the sole source of heritage awareness. And yes, racial self-appreciation should be a lifelong project.

3. Mistaken Identities -aka — “I’m Not the Hired Help”

Transracial adoptees’ obvious racial differences provoke brazen inquiries regarding interfamilial relationships. Having “How much did she cost?” and “Is she really your daughter?” asked over your head while being mistaken for your brother’s girlfriend does not contribute to positive self-image. It publically questions your place in the only family you’ve ever known, setting the stage for insecure attachments and self-doubt.

Mistaken identities aren’t just awkward, they’re insulting. Sara Docan-Morganinterviewed several Korean adoptees regarding what she describes as “intrusive interactions,” and found that “participants reported being mistaken for foreign exchange students, refugees, newly arrived Korean immigrants, and housecleaners. [One adoptee] recalled going to a Christmas party where someone approached her and said, ‘Welcome to America!’”

Obvious racism aside, transracial adoptees often find themselves having to validate their existence, which is something biological children are unlikely to face. Docan-Morgan suggests that parents’ responses to such interactions can either reinforce family bonds or weaken them, so expecting the public’s scrutiny and preparing for it should be a crucial piece in transracial adoptive parent education.

4. Well-Meaning, Yet Unprepared Parents

Sure, they’ll be issued a handy guide (here’s one from the 1980s) on raising a non-white you, but beyond a few educational activities and get-togethers with other transracial families, they’re on their own (unless online forums count as legitimate resources).

Some parents may good-heartedly acknowledge your heritage by providing dolls and books and eating your culture’s food. Others may mistakenly adopt a colorblind attitude, believing they don’t see color; they just see people. But, as Gina Miranda Samuels says, “Having a certain heritage, being given books or dolls that reflect that heritage, or even using a particular racial label to self-identify are alone insufficient for developing a social identity.”

Regarding colorblindness, Samuels explains that it risks “shaming children by signaling that there is something very visible and unchangeable about them (their skin, hair, bodies) that others (including their own parents) must overlook and ignore in order for the child to be accepted, belong, or considered as equal.”

As mentioned in point #1 above, talking about color while acknowledging your child’s race in a genuine, proactive way can counteract these problems. This means white parents must acknowledge their inability to provide the necessary skills for surviving in a racialized world; sure, it might mean admitting a parenting limitation, but working through it together might help your child feel empowered instead of isolated. Talking to transracial adoptees — not just those with rosy perspectives — will be an invaluable investment for your child.

I’d also suggest that white parents admit their privilege. White privilege in transracial adoption is beautifully covered by Marika Lindholm, herself a mother of transracially adopted children. Listening to these stories, despite their rawness, will help you become a better parent. By acknowledging that you may take for granted that being part of a societal majority can come with dominant-culture benefits, you open your mind to the fact that your transracial child may not experience life in the same way as you. It doesn’t mean you love your adopted child any less — but as a parent, you owe it to your child to prepare yourself.

5. Supply and Demand

During the early decades of transracial adoption (1940–1980), racial tensions in the United States were so high that few people considered adopting black babies. People clamored for white babies, leaving many healthy black children aging in the system. (Sadly, this still happens today.) And since adoption criteria limited potential parents to affluent white Christians, blacks encountered near insurmountable adoption roadblocks.

Korea offered an easy solution. “Compared to the controversy over adopting black and Native American children,” says Arissa H. Oh, author of To Save the Children of Korea, “Korean children appeared free of cultural and political baggage…Korean children were also seen as free in another important sense: abandoned or relinquished by faraway birth parents who would not return for their child.”

After the Korean War, adopting Korean babies became a form of parental patriotism — kind of like a bastardized version of rebuilding from within. During this time, intercountry adoption fulfilled a political need as well as a familial one. Eleana H. Kim makes this connection as well: “Christian Americanism, anti-Communism, and adoption were closely tied in the 1950s, a period that witnessed a proliferation of the word “adoption” in appeals for sponsorship and long-distance fostering of Korean waifs and orphans.”

Although we’ve seen marked declines in South Korean adoptions, intercountry and transracial adoptions continue today, retaining some of their politically-motivated roots and humanitarian efforts. We need to keep this history in mind since knee-jerk emotional adoptions — despite the time it takes to process them — have serious repercussions for the children involved.

But we can make it better

None of this implies that transracial adoption is evil. Not at all. Consider this missive as more of a PSA for those considering adoption and a support piece for those who are transracially adopted. I’m aware that I’ll receive a lot of pushback on my work, and that’s okay. I’m writing from the perspective of what I call the “original transracial adoption boom,” and I consider myself part of one the earliest generations of transracial adoptees. Advancements in the field, many spurred by adoptees like myself, have contributed to many positive changes. However, we still have work to do if we’re going to fix an imperfect system based on emotional needs and oftentimes, one-sided decision making.

(source in the notes)

[magicbound-a]

   PSA; Orion at @apocryphorum is Orsino’s biological son. I talk to Rom a ton, we both love the concept and we’re both comfortable with it. Everyone else has permission to partake in it, ask questions, and be involved in it whatever way. However, you do not have to and I won’t pull anyone into anything they’re uncomfortable with, since this is/was an unplanned/accidental trans pregnancy.

Here’s a few things to know:

Orion’s other parent is Nelaeryn, an elf that belonged to L'enfant De La Foret, an ancient cult. Nelaeryn and Orsino did not date, they were not lovers, and it was a one-time thing. Orsino didn’t see Nelaeryn again until 25 years later. 

Orsino was around 27 when he gave birth to Orion. He did not get to keep or raise Orion. Orsino was not involved in Orion’s life until Dragon Age: Inquisition, 25 years later. 

Orsino, after interacting with Orion and learning about his life, was able to deduce that Orion was his long-lost son and reunited with him with unmeasurable joy. 

All of this, of course, affects Orsino’s character. However, the topic is one he’s very private and incredibly unlikely to talk about--- even with current or past partners. If mentioned, it’s not something he wants to dwell on. Also, with it being an event that happened up to 25 years ago, he has learned to work and live with it as time went on. For many, Inquisition is the very first time others will be learning about the existence of Orion or Orion’s connection to Orsino.

Orsino knows nothing of Orion. He learns some things quickly and other things very slowly. He’s pretty much having to learn everything about his child from his own child.

Orsino having a biological child does not undermine the importance of adoption to him, nor does it affect his relationship with any adopted children of his or anyone he views as one of his “children”. If anything, this makes him even more protective of who he has and strive even harder to be a good father. All of Orsino’s kids, biological or adopted, are valid and loved equally by him. 

Orsino didn’t know anything about Isiliden until much later, and is anguished that his son is an abomination. In Orion’s personal quest, if taken along, he WILL kill Isiliden. His mind can’t be changed. This troubles his relationship with Orion for a long time, but they do eventually bond again. Even if things won’t be the same again. 

[ievani-e]

Body Positivity: What Does That Mean When You Have Body Dysphoria?

I was inspired to write this post after I saw a friend post a new status on her Facebook timeline, encouraging body positivity. Her post read:

“With my body I can do what I want: I can walk; I can run; I can jump; I can swim; sometimes I can fly; I can perceive; I can hug; I can kiss; I can eat; I can dance; I can listen; I can talk; I can think. So why the hell should I care how it looks like?! Standing up against an ideal appearance and resulting disorders!”

I agreed with the general point she was making: our bodies are very useful things! Even if you are disabled in some way, and as such perhaps cannot do all of the things mentioned above, our body is nevertheless the vessel which carries us through this world and allows us to experience it. Whatever our own personal situation or identity, without a physical body enabling us to carry out or actions and exert our will upon the world, we wouldn’t be able to interact with the world around us. It’s important to celebrate all the good things our body does for us, even if we don’t necessarily like each and every single thing about it.

This viewpoint was also shared by Sarah Garone in an article she wrote for Healthline titled How I’m Learning to Make Peace with the One Body Part I Hate. It makes for a very interesting read and I whole-heartedly recommend it. (Click the title for the link.)

However, the idea of “loving your body” and “not caring what it looks like” is a lot easier for some than for others. It’s especially difficult if you are transgender and experience a lot of dysphoria related to specific aspects of your body. So I wanted to expand upon my friend’s post by agreeing with her overall point of encouraging body positivity, love, and acceptance; but also making sure I included a positive message for transgender people experiencing bodily dysphoria. I didn’t want the only take away to be “be grateful for what you have, love your body for what it is, and learn to be happy with it”, because that is not the only interpretation and that is not the only way to be body positive.

Body positivity does mean loving your body — but loving your body doesn’t mean only one thing to everyone, and it doesn’t take only one form. Much like bodies themselves, the approach that you take to your own body is not one-size-fits-all. There are lots of different ways to express positivity about our bodies. We can choose to focus on the things we do like, rather than those we don’t; we can focus on celebrating the utility of the body, instead of putting ourselves down based on the way it happens to look; it can mean accepting things as they are; or it can mean changing or working on the things we don’t like, so that we do like it more.

Learning to love yourself doesn’t just have to mean accepting everything the way it is. It can also mean resolving to make changes to your body so that we feel better about our bodies and more comfortable in and of ourselves. Those changes can be very big, but they can also be very small. Although we might not be able to control everything about our bodies and we might not be able to make them completely perfect in our own eyes, we do at least have some measure of control over our own bodies and our own appearance — and we have the right to exert that control as we see fit.

I believe in the individual being free to express themselves and being free to change their own body/appearance if they want to, in a way that feels right to them: whether that means going to the gym to slim down/buff up; using make-up to change the shape or contour of your face, or get your eyes and lips just the way you like; changing your hairstyle or the colour of your hair to something else you like more; wearing different clothes; getting tattoos or piercings; experimenting with binders or packers to create a different silhouette; or medically transitioning with the help of surgery or hormone replacement therapy. Whatever it is that makes you feel more like you!

The important thing, to me, is doing what makes you happy. That will mean different things for everyone and manifest itself in different ways. Likewise, if people are unhappy with their bodies, I don’t want them to think that they don’t have any choice over their appearance, or that there is nothing they can do to lessen the dysphoria they feel except to come to terms with their bodies just the way they are. I personally know a few well-meaning family members and friends who have expressed views along the line of, “You should just love yourself the way you are!” or “Why can’t you be happy being yourself?” I’m not even medically transitioning myself; but there are other things I want to do to be in control of my own body and my own gender expression, like experiment with hair and clothes and binders. What they don’t seem to understand is that I am experimenting with my gender presentation because I love myself, and want to find something that feels right for me instead of wrong. But I know that that isn’t possible for everyone; I know that the dysphoria runs far deeper for some than others, and a social transition or change of presentation isn’t enough.

Because of this, rather than ask everyone to love their body for all the good things it offers and to only focus on the good instead of the bad (which nevertheless still is a valid approach; it’s just one of many, and if it works for you, I’m glad!), I favour a more nuanced approach. I favour focusing on your own relationship with your own body, and doing what is right for you to feel happier, healthier and more comfortable in your own body. Whether you decide to embrace your body as-is, adopt a different mind-set when thinking about it, or want to make changes, it is something you should do for you; not for anyone else. Just as long as it’s what you want to do — not what you feel you “should” do or “have to” do for any other reason, or for anyone else’s sake but your own. This applies to everyone — not just transgender people.

Obviously, there are positive, healthy and constructive ways to go about seeking to alter your appearance; and some negative, unhealthy and destructive ways to go about it as well if you are doing the wrong thing for the wrong reasons. That is when it becomes disordered. The examples I mentioned above are all low-impact, constructive, and could be adopted straight away (with the exception of medical transitioning, which is more involved); but if you take more drastic approaches, such as depriving yourself of food, engaging in excessive exercise or causing yourself harm, that is a lot more destructive and not what I am advocating for here. The difference between the two (positive vs negative; healthy vs unhealthy; constructive vs destructive) is whether what you’re doing is rooted in love and the pursuit of well-being for yourself and your body, or if it’s rooted in hatred or disgust for yourself and your body. But, assuming you do love yourself and want the best for yourself, then what that means or what form it takes should be something you are able to decide for yourself.

Riley J. Dennis has a great video about body positivity and the things you can do to increase your own sense of comfort and well-being within your body if you want to, and she makes the point much better than I do. Her video, Are trans people allowed to be body positive?, does approach body positivity from a transgender perspective, as I am doing here; but I think the take-away could equally apply to everyone. (Click the title for the link.)

Whatever form body positivity takes for you, love should always be what guides our way. I agree with the general premise of my friend’s Facebook post that there is no one “right” way to look; there is no “universal standard” that every single person should, or even could, conform to. Additionally, our appearance might disappoint us sometimes. Our body itself might let us down or hold us back in some way, be that due to our biological sex, mental or physical health, disability, or other conditions. But even so, body positivity is a concept we all can practice. We are all different; we are all beautiful; everyone is unique and worthy of love and acceptance. We would all benefit if we strive to love ourselves for ourselves, rather than comparing ourselves to others or to some imagined “ideal”. We would all benefit if we strive to accept those things about ourselves we cannot change, and aim to change those we feel we can. Everyone’s needs are different, so there are no absolutes here; we need to take it on a case-by-case basis and do what is right for ourselves.

It’s also worth pointing out that, a lot of the time, the “others” we’re comparing ourselves to don’t like the way they themselves look, either! There’s bound to be something they don’t like about themselves, too. We are each always harshest on ourselves most of all; yet are more open to accepting others exactly the way they are. We don’t tend to critique others anywhere near as much as ourselves. Even those we idealise are guilty of this, and they, too, think that they themselves are ugly while everyone else is beautiful. According to this line of thinking, everyone thinks everyone else is beautiful and fine the way they are while thinking themselves ugly and lacking in some respect — which means no-one actually feels beautiful and “enough”, despite being thought of as beautiful and enough by others.

So if, recognising that, we could turn that same acceptance and positivity we bestow upon others upon ourselves as well — if we could love ourselves, the same way we love our own friends and loved ones — that would go a long way towards finding happiness within ourselves, and making peace with our own bodies; which, as I said at the start, may not be perfect, but… they do do a lot for us, and they deserve some credit. With that in mind, let’s focus on the things you can do; not the things you can’t.

Laverne Cox has said it, and I’ll say it again: “You gotta be your own best friend and treat yourself with respect!”

(Art by chibird. Link to the original post here!)