#My life has very little queer joy in it compared to them

[actuallyafandomess]

Luckily, I haven’t ever been a big blog. No one sent me nasty messages.

Luckily, I had 2-3 years of figuring out I was ace and enjoying the beautiful community my fellow aces and aros had built. Watching that community get attacked so quickly and viciously, you couldn’t block people fast enough.

Luckily, I was out of high school when this happened, because one of my high school best friends - who knew I was ace - started reblogging the “discourse” about how asexuality wasn’t queer.

Sadly, I no longer see pics of people with their new black rings on my dashboard.

Sadly, I no longer see blogs dedicated to telling young questioning people that no matter what label they end up using, at the end of the day consent should be respected. That it’s okay to have a messy experience. That it’s okay to use as many words as you need to describe what you want. That labels and people can change, but friends supported each other.

Sadly, asexual book club stopped. I really miss that.

I don't think younger/newer users fully grasp the shit show that ace discourse was around 2014-17

It was so hostile that, to this day, discussions that begin to derail just enough can make me physically nauseous, some specific mockery trigger crying sessions years later. We lost most accounts with any sort of ace positivity. There was no information, no support, and all this damage was done predominantly by other queer people.

All this to say that you, however you identify yourself, should be engaging with aphobic comments the same way you do any hate. We don't sugarcoat or try to be comprehensive with people who are blatantly racist, homophobic or terfs, so why give it a pass just because it's coming from a queer person? I see how this tolerance goes and it's done enough damage as it is.

[punkascas]

aww, man, i'm hella bummed over the news of ofmd.

i wasn't even jonesing that hard for s3 — like i'd of course watch it when it came out, but s2 reiterated and reenforced for me why i'll always choose fandom and fanworks over canon — but i feel gutted for the writers and actors. i feel grieved and jaded. and i feel aggravated that it is a familiar, well-worn groove of jaded grief over how queer stories and stories centred on non-white cis characters with diverse casts don't get their chance to flourish and grow. they don't feed the capitalist beast, even though they absolutely fckin do you're just dumb media executives. those stories are not as easy to market; not the sure, quick buck. not the stories for 18 – 25 year old straight white boys you can peddle to advertisers and that look good in quarterly-projection presentations.

i'm sad because the cast really seemed to get on. really seemed to have one of those rare mixes of chemistry and off-screen friendship. and i want to see them hang out and be creative together and fall further in love with now they portray found family on screen with so much ease and sincerity and full of genuine joy.

i'll miss them. i'll miss watching them play their characters. they seem to love them as much as and for the same reasons that we love those characters.

and to a lesser extent i'm a little disappointed to never find out what the plan would've been for s3, where djenks originally had the characters end up, how and if the creative decisions in s2 would've been addressed. fandom will of course find answers to this, and i know i'll probably think those stories are better if i could compare because i always do, but there's still a part of me that wants to know what djenks and the writing team and the cast would've done.

that all said, a part of me finds it extremely awkwardly morbidly hilarious that the s2 ending is now the official end. the ending that i can only read as a fascinating-yet-distressing lovecraftian horror story waiting to happen. like, not great as a final note due to how much it upset and divided the fandom. i wish it had been an ending that sparked opportunities for community-building and excitement and creativity that comes from a place of wanting more rather than feelings of betrayal or discomfort or creativity that comes from the need to process or to fix or to ignore.

but also as someone who enjoys absurdist dark humour, it's kind of perfect to me. the ending is an amazing (accidental) representation of schrödinger's cat of a conclusion. and i love it.

like, you can read the ending as happy. the main couple is together; the crew has their freedom and found family and can continue a life of adventure without the drama ed or stede can cause. izzy… whatever, i guess. whatever people who are cool with izzy's fate wanted for him.

or you can read the ending as, like: stede, run! you just shacked up with a known mentally and emotionally unstable guy who just very traumatically (and violently) ended a longterm codependent relationship. with the fresh grave of your boyfriend's ex right out front. because both of them are dudes that literally hoard each other's corpses because the codependence and obsessive possession just runs that deep. and you made these life choices while on an isolated spit of land with no one else around but the sea and a rundown shack whose aesthetics are straight out of a horror film. and that's implied to smell like death in one of your last lines of dialogue ever. nothing good will come of this, my guy.

if you know me, you know which reading i'm taking and running with.

[matan4il]

I was the anti shipper, and yes, just to be very clear, it wasn't homophobia. Yes, I am straight, and I ship both straight and queer couples. It's chemistry. But I am always more confident in straight couples because I know if the fans react, the showrunners will too. See Green Arrow. Not to use the tired catchphrase, but if either of them were women and shared the Ryan and Oliver chemistry, I have no doubt they would have changed it. You know, even if it was supposed to be Taylor and Anna or Shannon end game. That's the part that made me so annoyed.

S2 and S3 you could not go an episode that didn't have some ship worthy content. Then, in S4 and S5, it was the fact that they grew so much more emotionally intimately that they had to pull back being physically affectionate. I often see them compared to McDanno, and to me, it's like no. The difference is McDanno never pulled back or acted weird when in a relationship. They embraced the codependent/buddy cop/bro work husband of it. If anyone currently, they are more like Tim and Lucy in The Rookie.

So yes I was mostly annoyed because I felt like they wouldn't be brave enough to shift the story. I really believe that Buddie is just an important representation. All LBGTQ content is, but theirs is yes a little different when you can explore the ways you come at it, their professions, backgrounds, potential repression, mid life gay panic. And of course their adorable son!

So thanks for understanding my point so well and not assuming I was no homo, you know!!

Lovely, you have nothing to thank me for! I thought your ask was AWESOME, I understood immediately where you were coming from, and it had the exact desired effect, it filled me with joy!

And I agree with you, I’m a hopeless romantic which means even as a kid, I shipped to my heart’s content. I was incapable of watching any show without finding a couple who I loved and cheered for. And without a doubt, even though I pick up on similar chemistry and tropes when I ship opposite sex couples who aren’t together yet as when I ship same sex ones, the former will almost ALWAYS get together (or at least be acknowledged by the show in some way... for example as a one-sided love, it’s happened maybe twice, but it’s still a recognition of what the viewers see), even if they may not be endgame, but the same cannot be said for the latter. So yeah, when I ship two guys who aren’t together canonically, I walk into that with my eyes fully open. And it is frustrating sometimes because of precisely what you point out. If Buck and Eddie were an opposite sex couple and had everything they have now (not just the chemistry, but the build up and intimacy and emotional intensity, plus tropes like the shooting arc at the end of s4), we’d all know it’s just a matter of time before they got together. It wouldn’t even be a question.

I never watched Hawaii 5-0, but I did always assume that the genre dictated that McDanno would never get together, but they would def tease (I hate using this term now since it has become such a dividing term but yeah, I assumed they were queerbaiting) to get that extra slice of viewership from McDanno shippers. So I kind of... am not surprised that they preserved the same kind of dynamic without change throughout the show’s run. Because the only REAL change that they could have provided without losing the shippers is getting them together, right? And like I said, I never thought they would do that.

I don’t watch The Rookie either (listen, there is just TOO MUCH out there, I can’t keep up with everything *sobs*), but I gather Tim and Lucy have gone canon? Semi-canon? IDK, but that’s what gifsets on my dash have led me to believe. But that says it all, if Chenford are that comparable to Buddie!

And once again, fully agreed. Buddie matter so much! In terms of being able to offer us the first REAL mlm slow burn, the fact that they work in such “masculine” professions (break that stereotype even more, 911! I will give you my kidney), their age (coming to realize who they are or how to be in a same sex r/s at a later stage in life), the fact that they’re basically co-parenting (there are not enough mlm couples CHOOSING to raise kids together on our screen), all of it could make Buddie groundbreaking.

Thank you again, it’s been a delight chatting to you! As always, here’s my ask tag. xoxox

[terranoctis]

Favorites of Summer

By sheer nature of just being busy and having to do a ton of catch-up at times with films, I opted out of doing my favorite films each month and added slowly to this collection of favorites over the last few months. This will be a long post underneath the cut consisting of favorites from June, July, and August.

For summer, I returned to a more balanced slate of film-watching, though I subconsciously or not, watched a little more of films that came out in the last four years than I usually do for each month. This partly was because I wanted to see the new Mad Max film and the Civil War film I couldn't catch earlier this year--and it sort of set the tone of more modern films I wanted for the rest of the summer to see how it compared to the plethora of classic films I saw in May. That being said, I still saw a good set of older films that I loved as well, alongside all my summer blockbusters and a larger number of short films.

Films: JUNE

Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga (2024) I have slightly conflicting feelings about this film. Overall, I did like it, but it also pales in comparison to its predecessor Fury Road. It's good, but in a very different way. It's a vengeance film through and through and has less of the insane madness of war and fighting Fury Road had. However, it is also a much more personal film for the character of Furiosa and the world around her. Anya Taylor-Joy is phenomenal as the character, as was the young actress that played the young version of her. It's rough because it's not the masterpiece Fury Road was, but is a very good film in its own right. I'm almost certain I would've loved this film more if I had seen it before Fury Road. As a complement to Fury Road, it builds the world out farther. Cinematography is beautiful too.

Civil War (2024) So I'm well aware this film is a bit divisive (funnily reflective of its title), but I did like this film quite a bit. I can't say I liked it more than I liked his previous films I've seen, but Garland's films in general evoke more emotion from me than most, even though it doesn't quite hand you the answers. The film follows a group of photojournalists traveling to DC to interview the president during a Civil War. In many ways, I think the film's title hindered it and caused more of an incendiary reaction based on how it seemingly perceived American politics. The film itself is not about civil war of politics in the US, really. The civil war is certainly the backdrop, but it could have been about any civil war. The film is namely about the photojournalists and their experience documenting war and reporting on two sides of a conflict in a nation they know so well. It encapsulates so well the kind of cold detachment journalists have to take in order to be non-opinionated, even in the events of such horrors of war and death--yet also shows how human they can be by the end. Kirsten Dunst is pretty phenomenal in this, in showcasing how even a seasoned photojournalist who has learned to detach herself simply cannot detach by the end and is all the more humane for it. Cinematography is beautifully shot. As someone who likes photography, so many of the photography stills you see in here depict quick shots and photographs of war you might see in the actual news so well.

Fun Home (2017) As someone who is queer and understands how complicated that truth can be for family, this musical hit home for me. There's an added layer to this story in the sense that the main character's father is also gay, but is not open about it and can't quite come to terms with it in the scope of his own life--whereas his daughter is living openly as a gay person. It's not a traditional fun musical, but it's quite charming as a musical in its own way. I don't quite have the words to express that at the moment, so I'll leave it at that.

Aftersun (2022) There are very few films that have made me start fully crying and this is one of them. I wasn't quite sure where the film was going at first because it starts as a mundane trip of a young girl and her father. So the movie feels quite mundane and ordinary in its execution. As the bits of dialogue and its moments start coming together in retrospect by the end though, with a haunting dance scene and a father's farewell to his daughter (and the grown-up version of the daughter looking through old footage that she and her father recorded), the movie comes together in such an emotional way that hit home. It's the fact that such a mundane and fun time on a vacation trip, that's so beautiful in its sunny day, also shows the effects of when the sunny times go away. For all that we hold to the good, sometimes, the exhaustion at the end of that happy day still hits harder. As someone... who has lost someone to that before and has lost herself in it before, the film captured the emotion of all that, on both ends of the camera and memory (of both the emotional perspective of both father and the daughter) so beautifully. I still have half the year left, but Monster and this film have been two of my absolute favorites so far.

Inside Out 2 (2024) Though I will say I do prefer the first film, I think this film did a great job of expanding on what was established in the first and also painting a bigger picture of emotions than basic happiness, sadness, etc. It's also surprisingly an amazing portrayal of panic attacks, which I have had. Loved it in the way I just sometimes love certain animated films.

Metropolis (1927) There are some films, even if you wouldn't personally choose to watch it again, that you find remarkably amazing for its time and themes. Metropolis is one of those films. The fact that this was filmed in the 1920s, in Germany, is something that I can't help but marvel at considering how good the film looks and its themes. Though there is no spoken dialogue, it's a good story, even if a little goofy at times in execution. The sets are incredible and the visuals for the machine person is quite stunning for its time. It's understandably a classic for a reason.

Challengers (2024) So it's hard to describe this film and even to think about recommending it to the average viewer. However, as a film about the tension and communication between three people in the form of tennis? Phenomenal. I wouldn't say the story really did much for me, but as a film and it's cinematography, it was just a cool movie to see, particularly certain framing shots and the moving shots of the tennis games and any of the main three together.

Films: JULY

Nobody Knows (2004) Is it any surprise another Koreeda film makes it to my list of favorites? No. I do feel like this film in particular has the most interesting and perhaps heartbreaking overarching story of his films, both because it is based on a true story and because it's about children who were abandoned and forced to survive on their own in a middle of a sprawling city. That being said, perhaps because I was not quite in the mood for devastation, I found myself having to pause and come back to it at times. It's a great film, but certainly one that I was not in the mood for the day I saw it (yet I still loved it). I admire very much so how Koreeda is able to film young actors in a very natural way and portray a difficult story.

Marianne and Juliane (1981) I'll be honest, I had never heard of director Margarethe von Trotta until I watched this film. Apparently this film is one of Ingmar Bergman's favorite films and I can see why. Seeing a female-directed film that is beautifully shot and framed, while also talking about two feminists and sisters during a difficult era in Germany and the effects of it after, I found myself unable to look away from the film. I'll be the first to admit I am not entirely familiar with New German Cinema, but as someone who noticed the stylings of it in this film, I was rather impressed. The film portrays so well the kinship of two sisters who may disagree in beliefs, but also the generational anger and trauma that carries on and is reexperienced and perhaps shared. The final scene where the main character speaks to her sister's angry son showcases the sort of bitterness that comes with trying to revolutionize and change society is haunting and encapsulates well the sort of trauma you carry with you into the present of the past, even if it is not your past or sin.

National Theatre Live: Prima Facie (2022) Jodie Comer is at her best in this one woman show. Though I've seen her be a wonderful actress in Killing Eve, this play gives her the best stage to showcase her range from being funny and witty to also heartbreakingly portray the struggle a woman has going through the day and courts when they've been raped. The play itself is fascinating, as a portrayal of a female lawyer who has taken on cases of defending men accused of assault and rape and then being put into the situation herself where she is the victim whose testimony is broken down (much as she has done to previous victims). I loved watching this and its moral musings on how the courts revictimize its victims often times. It doesn't present an answer, and perhaps that is a flaw, but it does glaringly push the question of how impractical it is into the spotlight.

Meshes of the Afternoon (1943) It astonishes me that this was made in 1943, because its editing, in all its surrealist absurdity, was phenomenal. The experimental silent short film was directed by Maya Deren and her husband Alexandr Hackenschmied, starring her as its central character. The film evokes great emotion about the role of a woman in its dreamlike state, showcasing vivid imagery of things around the house, like the phone, a knife, and her on the stairs. It plays with perspective as well, as the female looks back at her body and you see the finale where she is dead. You see her see an ocean through a mirror that is her husband's face. It's just... the film stuck with me long after I saw it. I've had several opinions about what the film is about, but I feel like my mind changes a little each time about it.

National Theatre Live: Yerma (2017) So I have to admit, I've loved Billie Piper since her Doctor Who days. I know fans have divisive opinions on their favorite companion and all for the doctor, but Rose was always my favorite because of the way Billie portrayed her and I thought her acting was always underrated compared to her colleagues from the show. Seeing her act in Yerma made me so happy because it is Billie at her absolute best. She acts with all her soul the desperation of a woman who is trying for a child and has been unable to bear one. She acts the lighthearted, wonderful woman just as well in the beginning of the play and also devastatingly portrays the breakdown of this woman. Though I did enjoy the play for its story and themes, I think Billie's portrayal is truly the standout. It is, by far, my favorite performance of the year thus far from a stage play.

Films: AUGUST

Tomboy (2011) Celine Sciamma's first full feature film is one that has her signature touches already from her later films. It's a beautiful film about fluidity in gender as a convention, particular in the portrayal as one of that of a young girl's. As someone who grew up as a tomboy and can relate heavily to how exhausting it is to be expected to just be a "girl," I related quite well to this film. The film was a bit slow for my tastes, but its story and cinematography stayed with me long after.

The Truman Show (1998) There's something so disturbingly dystopian about a reality show where you're the only real person in a cast of people pretending around you, and yet it's portrayed so utterly well with The Truman Show. This is my favorite role I've seen Jim Carrey in, and though he does a phenomenal job of playing an unknowing reality TV star, it's truly the premise and the story of the film that impressed me. There's also a kind of wry wink you get with the moments where his wife tries to do sponsorship reads to the camera and I can see much of how modern reality television echoes that as well.

The Fabelmans (2022) Similar to my affection for Civil War with photography, I loved this film in its love of film. Though it fictionalizes Spielberg and his family, much of it feels truly personal about the dissolution of his parent's marriage and the way they encouraged his love of film. Unironically, I do think this is my favorite of Spielberg's films (though that should be taken with a grain of salt since I have a ton of his classics I have not yet seen). I loved watching how Spielberg filmed a story of how he filmed films as a youth, watching this young boy chase his dreams. How the camera was framed in the final shot and in so many other shots... it's a film that's a love letter to film as much as it is a love letter to Spielberg's early life and family.

Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes (2024) In terms of how the film was written, it's not my favorite Apes film by any means, because it is a bit too long. That being said, I bring it up because it evokes so much visually. I think it's the one that has opened the franchise's world the most and I loved that and feeling it in the wide world they portrayed. I want to leave it on this list because it's by far one of the best films that utilizes CGI I've ever seen.

Paddington (2014) So my friends have told me for years Paddington was a very good movie and I understand why now that I've seen it. It is constructed very much like a children's film, yet there's something universally enjoyable about it regardless of age. And I loved it. There's some goofiness to it in the way children's films can have, but I never thought it was terrible. Best movie to end my "summer" months with.

LITERATURE

"Yellowface," by R.F. Kuang It's been awhile since I've read a book that so wonderfully encapsulates satire of modern social media culture with cancellation of authors and the kind of twisted bold-faced lies a person who does despicable things like stealing from a minority author will tell themselves and others. Obviously it is fiction, but it still wonderfully satirizes all that culture. As someone who begrudgingly scrolls through social media and does read sometimes the online chatter about certain things about one figure or other in pop culture, it's hard not to draw the parallels from the book to that chatter. R.F. Kuang wonderfully encapsulates it while also easily making fun of it AND the white author she is writing as a character who ignores the true and understandable criticisms underneath heavy vitriol. Reading this book felt like seeing political culture as well in the modern day--true criticism is often taken as "woke" culture or as inherently racist when it is much more nuanced than that. And to those who will also ignore all criticism because of such lack of nuance.... this book easily portrays the evils of it as well, even as you are reading the perspective of that person.

"Fourth Wing" by Rebecca Yaros I will be honest, and maybe this is as a result as someone who read fantasy heavily as a kid, I cannot say I like how this book was written. I closed the book after the first chapter because of how little I liked the way its prose was written, even though I don't want to criticize anyone's writing as an amateur writer myself. It's not terrible, but it feels like a young teenage girl wrote it at times. That being said, because I do know people rather enjoyed the book, I gave it a chance and found myself enjoying the ride. I did, admittedly, have to somewhat shut off my criticisms of its writing execution. Though predictable and roughshod in its style, with modern language thrown in here and there that's utterly jarring (Yarros describes the male lead as "hot" several paragraphs before she goes over some dragon lore) it was still a fun read and I will give the book that. I kind of assume that this novel is somewhat akin to how Twilight was for my generation, but fantasy-style. Might not be my cup of tea, but still a fun read.

MUSIC

"Birds of a Feather," Billie Eilish I think this perfectly describes how I feel when I'm in love (not that I am with a person at the moment), but somehow it feels like a good song too when I'm in love with life. Love might be a little complicated, but it's that good feeling.

"The Kill," Maggie Rogers I've listened to Maggie Rogers for awhile now and I think this one is one of my favorite new songs of hers. I'm happy it was part of a popular film's soundtrack because she deserves so much love.

"Under Pressure," Queen, David Bowie I heard this song in Aftersun and felt love for it deep in my bones. I will always associate this song now with that film, but it's also just a beautiful song.

"Time and Fallen Leaves," AKMU Somewhat an old song, but I actually had never listened to it until recently. I've kind of stepped away from intense love of Korean music, but once in awhile, I still go back to my favorite artists and find some beautiful tracks like this one. AKMU is still pretty great in my book.

[bohemian-rhapsody-in-blue]

Thank you for tagging me, @obi-bae-kenobi!

Were you named after anyone?

My first name isn’t after anyone, but my middle name is after my great-grandmother.

When was the last time you cried?

I…actually can’t remember, which is probably a good thing! It was probably a week or so ago, when I had had a really unproductive day despite wanting to be productive, and I was really stressed and frustrated with myself at my inability to Do Things.

Do you have kids?

I am the proud mother of a few lovely action figures, several wonderful plushies, and many, many Funko Pops.

(In all seriousness: nope.)

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

I’d say that my above comment would answer this question, but I didn’t really mean for it to be sarcastic, just a normal joke. And maybe a way for me to brag about my collections. I’m not sure.

I think I use sarcasm a normal amount?? I feel like I’m usually pretty earnest when I talk, but I do use sarcasm and deadpan humor. I’m definitely no Chandler Bing, though.

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

People say that looks don’t matter, not to judge a book by its cover, etc., but in all honesty I probably notice people’s looks first when I meet them, before they speak to me or anything. Not in a judgmental way, mostly just because I’m making an effort to memorize their physical features so my face-blind ass doesn’t completely forget who they are the next time I see them.

What’s your eye color?

Dark brown.

Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings. I love sitcoms and romcoms, and I am a little baby when it comes to horror. (This is why “Pierrot le Fou” may be the only Cowboy Bebop episode I’ve never rewatched.)

Any special talents?

I consider myself pretty musical—I have perfect pitch (I also have music-color synesthesia, so I see music in color based largely on the key signature it’s in). I’ve played classical piano for years and also sing in my school’s choir; I like to think I have a nice singing voice.

I don’t know if this counts, but I also have this very strange high-pitched trilling sound I make at the back of my throat when I’m experiencing strong emotion (usually happiness), which no one I know has been able to replicate. I’ve heard it alternately compared to the sound of a cat, a bird, and a frog.

Where were you born?

St. Louis, MO.

What are your hobbies?

Reading, singing, making playlists and DJ-ing, drawing cute cartoony art, writing, playing piano (although I don’t do it nearly as much as I used to anymore 😔), watching sitcoms!

Have any pets?

Yes! I have a very silly gray cat named Mojo, whom I love!

What sports do/have you played?

I had a very brief, ill-fated career in track & field in sixth grade. And that’s pretty much it.

How tall are you?

5’0, or 5’1 on a good day. My driver’s license says 4’11. My driver’s license lies.

Favorite subject in school?

English and psychology—so, basically, just what I’m majoring in!

Dream job?

Writer and/or clinical psychologist. The latter is what I’m most likely going to work towards in grad school and beyond.

Tagging (with no pressure, or course!!): @calicocalliope @chumanzky @dear-scheherazade @fridayiminlovemp3 @geembywumbis @gr0ovygh05t @joy-is-best-when-shared @musclekittysenpai @queer-papayas @she-was-a-psychedelic-messss @smithasandwich @some-things-about-life @sunshine-fruit-of-the-vine @wewringmagicfromtheordinary @wheredotheducksgo

15 questions, 15 mutuals :)

ty for the tag my dear @commandercodys-wife 🤍

were you named after anyone?

not that i know of, but i do have a cousin named after me 😮‍💨

when was the last time you cried?

uhhh maybe like 5 days ago, i’m a pretty healthy crier lmao. i honestly forgot what i was crying abt though. probably thinking of tech or smt 😭

do you have kids?

nope, and no plans in the near future.

do you use sarcasm a lot?

i don’t think i do but people always tell me i do, so i’m unsure.

what’s the first thing you notice about people?

usually their smile, then the way they introduce themselves

what’s your eye color?

dark brown, but one time when i was younger i put a flashlight to my eyes in the mirror and saw black specs in them, so that was pretty cool.

scary movies or happy endings?

ok, it depends. my star wars obsession has made me a bitch for (pseudo) happy endings but i like scary movies, so…

any special talents?

dunno if this counts, but i’m a great singer 😆

where were you born?

washington, d.c.! (apparently that’s rare lol)

what are your hobbies?

playing bass, singing, cooking, reading, napping, and crotchet :)

have any pets?

a cat named stampy (yes after the youtuber 😭), and a dog back home named cocoa.

what sports do/have you played?

soccer, volleyball, and basketball as a kid, but now i play tennis and run cross country

how tall are you?

4’11”, which i think is about 149 cm, either way really short 🙃

favorite subject at school?

i looooved my philosophy course last semester. but other bros dsubjects i enjoy are english and history.

dream job?

writer!!! one day i’ll make it big and be a nyt bestseller, hopefully, fingers crossed 😭😭

15 mutuals, npt ofc: @dystopicjumpsuit @samspenandsword @secondaryrealm @anxiouspineapple99 @drafthorsemath @obi-bae-kenobi @rain-on-kamino @wanderer-six @shinyshayminflower @burningfieldof-clover @freesia-writes @attacking-those-pesky-kyojins @darling-murdock @echos-girlfriend @starqueensthings

[three--rings]

So I’ve finished reading all of the Vegaspete sections. 

General thoughts under cut

TW for discussion of sexual assault, violence, very toxic romance

So it’s definitely interesting to compare to the series.  Obviously I prefer the series, because starting a romance arc with one half the ship violently raping the other isn’t ideal.  Like, I understand the sorta challenge of the thing, and why that might be interesting to some people, but yeah.

The series really substituted torture and physical violence for the sexual violence.  Because there’s not really any real harm to Pete in the book, other than the rape.  Which happens a few times at the very beginning, but as soon as Vegas begins to like Pete at all, that all stops. 

Vegas’ POV is honestly really interesting.  It focuses on how just having Pete around and showing him any concern or attention makes him feel better, not full of rage, like he can be himself and drop his masks.  Pete makes him want to be a better person and reminds him of the possibility of joy even among bad things.   So from Vegas’ POV, the transition from violence to love is quite believable.  And reading his parts does give some good insight into his headspace.

But from Pete’s it’s a MESS.  Like the Pete POV is honestly such a misstep IMO, because while Vegas says he thinks Pete is a masochist and is actually enjoying the things Vegas does to him, Pete makes clear he isn’t.  He pretends to go along with things Vegas tells him because he wants him to get bored with him and let him go, and he does come around a little on Vegas once he sees how abused and lonely he is.  But there’s really not a believable transition on Pete’s part.  He leaves after convincing Vegas to unchain him but he goes from spooking when he hears Vegas’ name to suddenly professing his love and devotion when Vegas’ life is in danger in the final showdown.  I think the idea is supposed to be that Pete is in denial of his feelings both as a queer man and for Vegas specifically, but in context it doesn’t work very well.

So yeah, definitely think the choices made in adaptation were very good ones.  Having their sexual contact be initiated by Pete, focusing more on kink than rape (cause it seems like book Vegas is less a dom and more just a serial rapist?), it works much better.  As well as putting that scene where Vegas confronts Pete after he escapes and asks Pete to kill him, that is a strong addition as well.  (In the book he follows Pete around watching him, but only talks to Porsche, not Pete.) 

However, it’s nice to read all the stuff after the showdown, with Pete and Macau waiting for Vegas to wake up in the hospital (which is practically its own genre of Vegaspete fic, lol) and also the adoption of Venice.  The ending story about the three of them going back to Pete’s village and meeting his grandparents is really sweet and I’m adopting it into my personal canon.

So I might recommend a vegaspete fan reads just the ending parts and not the whole thing.  Honestly you could probably just skip the first 5 chapters of the Vegaspete stories and miss all the actual rape and get the rest of the story.  Though there are some flashbacks to it and references so I’m not saying it’s SAFE if you have real triggers, but well, it’d be more pleasant.

As for my opinion of the novel based on this, the impressions I’ve gotten, it doesn’t make me want to read the rest.  I really dislike how Porsche comes across in this?  He is like over-the-top offensive in how he talks to everyone and extra super dumb.  In fact everyone comes off as giant idiots most of the time, with the exception of Vegas, and he only has a braincell like 60% of the time. 

So no, I’m not very impressed by the writing.  It feels like it leans heavily into the parts of the show I dislike rather than the parts I love.  The people making the show and the actors seem a lot more thoughtful and intelligent on how they approached characters and motivations.  So, yeah.

[absolutebl]

I've been a huge BL fan (series, fanfics, etc) for about a year but I'm still very new to this BL world and today I saw a post on soc media from some Trans activists with a caption "straight girls who fetishize gay guys are just as creepy as straight guys who fetishize lesbians". And then there were lots of comments like 'fujoshis, this is for you' or 'every yaoi fan girl ever' or 'every fandom ever' (I do know the meaning of yaoi and fujoshi). What do you think about that statement? Is it really that bad that we girls/women fangirl over fictional and sometimes real life gay couples? During my entire life I never realized that I'd be so much into BL (that's probably because I never really came across a lot of gay series/movies/stories/fanfics before when I was younger, only recently) and now ever since I became a huge fan I have seen that there are literally thousands of women who love it too. So is it really fetishizing?

Thank you

And btw I love your blog so much, one of my absolute favourite 💜💜

Aw hi hon!

I actually kinda tackle this, tangentially, in this post:

Will BL Get More Honestly Queer?

It's a pro normalization stance with pro straight allies feels.

So is straight women loving BL really fetishization?

From a kink perspective, no it's not fetishization. As a kinkster I have to say I don't like that term being coopted and used as a slur, either. That's just non-kinksters using kink as the lowest order punching bag for them to abuse (puns intended).

Technically for kinksters, 

a fetish is a sexual act or element that is REQUIRED by the person who has said fetish to get off.

Oxford says:

a form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc.

Oh but there's that word we all love "abnormal." 

Sigh.

Still, by either definition, my answer to "So is it really fetishizing?" is... no it's not. Because that's not what fetish means.

But this is how I feel about it as a queer kinkster and others are entitled to their own opinions. (So long as they don't present said opinion as fact, I suppose.)

Like everything else on Twitter, (and that smacks of a Twit-izm, so you didn't say twitter but I'm assuming) reduction has oversimplified the statement out of all inherent meaningful discourse or quality of thought.

Frankly i find outrage culture completely exhausting. I can't barely work up the enthusiasm to brush my damn teeth, getting upset up over pop culture that gives people pleasure, especially pleasing women who have precious little joy in their lives, just seems sad to me.

On the flip side:

It is interesting to consider, as a straight woman (or a lesbian, or a person not really attracted to men, or as a person not attracted to sex/relationships), why you are drawn to BL? Why you find this kind of narrative attractive, sexy, warming, comforting and NOT the straight ones? I do think self reflection can be quite interesting. Especially around desire.

But then again, as a queer kinkster, the nature of my own desires has resulted in a certain amount of self reflection my whole damn life.

Okay now... weird comparison but here we go. 

Wouldn’t publicly admitting to liking BL be a little like a straight woman experiencing a kind of coming out? I mean if admitting to loving BL gets you bullied, criticized, and abused? Like hello, welcome to the party. Guess who has a lifetime of knowledge about admitting to liking and/or being sexually turned on by a thing and then shamed for it, the queers and the kinksters! 

Finally, I think the original 1:1 has an issue with conflation. (Having just played about with conflation myself, my bad.) 

Still, the men/lesbian = women/BL cases cannot be compared because the power held by (and invested in) male sexuality, gaze, and straight sexual desire and its ability to objectify women (and companion impact on social power in society) is materially different from female and feminine desires and its social power.

As a result the original statement is, by default, pitting feminist issues against queer activism. I don't like anything that puts a fissure between queer and feminist, because I believe queer/trans rights are feminist issues. (I've talked about this before but I can't find that post and I'm tired...) 

Anydinglebury, read that linked post above, it's a lot more coherent than I am currently being.

Suffice it to say that what motivates me is cohesion and support, sharing affection and delight, as well as education and understanding - not being divisive or encouraging outrage or shock or us/them mentalities.

But that's what drove me to Tumblr instead of other platforms. Sure this is the original hellhole, but that hellhole is well lubed (sorry not sorry) and it's also a greyspace that seems to capable of containing multitudes (still not sorry) in a way other hellscapes can't (or won’t).

Besides, the people that do not like me or disagree with me here, well they just block my dumb arse. So much easier that way.

(source) 

[gins-potter]

Casting Thoughts

Yes, I did a long post when the rumours first dropped but hey now it’s confirmed plus we have characters descriptions, and I’m bored so let’s do this all over again people.  Under the cut because it got long

Sisi Stringer as Rose Hathaway

I said this in my other post but I’m pretty happy with Sisi as Rose.

Visually I think she’s a great fit, I love that they casted a WoC in the main role, and I think if she can bring Rose’s humour and sarcasm to the role, she’s going to do great.

The character description mentions Rose being “fiery and outspoken”, happy to jump into the action, and the strongest fighter in her class but struggling to toe the line, which is all very Rose-esque, especially in the first book.  It sounds to me like they have a good grasp on her character.

I’m a little disappointed we didn’t hear more about Rose as a character since she is the lead - it felt like the descriptions for Lissa and Dimitri both gave us a little more to go on - but it is only a very preliminary description so I’m happy to wait for more.

Daniela Nieves as Lissa Dragomir

Daniele is another one who I was happy with straight away.

She’s probably not what I imagined for Lissa visually but that’s not a bad thing either; I will be interested to see if they dye her hair a lighter colour (like a caramel-blonde) but personally that’s not something I need to see for her to be a great fit for Lissa.

I think she has a very sweet face which works well for a character like Lissa but I think she’s also going to be able to stand up in Lissa’s more fiercer moments which is nice to see as well.

The character descriptions mentions her as being “carefree and kind-hearted” who “coasts” through life until a death in the family thrusts her into a new role.  That sounds a lot like pre-series Lissa so I wonder if we’re going to see a bit of that in the show before Andre (and her parents??) die and see that change.  

It’s curious though that she’s described as the younger sister of the heir apparent - which would be Andre - so it sounds like they’ve changed it so Andre was supposed to be King.  Obviously a deviation from the books but I don’t hate it?  I don’t think it would change Lissa’s arc all that much because obviously she was always going to grow up to be an influential royal figure, this just slightly changes the dynamics of it.

The description also specifically mentions that she’s uninterested in “political machinations” and the “hypocrisy of the moroi royal society” which sounds very accurate to book!lissa as well.

All in all I’m very happy with what they’re doing with Lissa.

Keiron Moore as Dimitri Belikov

This is one who’s really grown on me since the rumoured cast list started circulating.  At first I was kind of eh about him but I can really see him as Dimitri now.

I will be curious to see if he grows out his hair or not though.

As far as I know Keiron is not Russian, there’s not a lot about him online, but there’s some instagram activity on his account linking him to UK based companies so that would be my guess as to where he’s from.  They’ve kept Dimitri’s incredibly Russian name so I guess we’re to assume Keiron might be doing an accent and they’re keeping Dimitri’s backstory relatively the same?  I’m not gonna be super mad if they change it just because I think it’s doable for him not to be Russian (I know, I know a whole book is set in Russia but lbr here they could make him from anywhere and just send Rose there in that book).

The biggest thing for me will be his chemistry with Sisi, Danila and Zoey had great chemistry (imo anyway) which saved the move a little for me, so it’ll be important that Sisi and Keiron do as well.  They’ve interacted a few times online which is cute so I’m hoping they were able to do some chemistry reads and that will translate on screen.

The character description mentions Dimitri as being “lethal, disciplined, discreet, and totally committed” as well as living by “a deep moral code” but with more going on “beneath his stoic, watchful surface” which sounds exactly like book!Dimitri to me.

They don’t really specify what his role at St Vlad’s is going to be but they do mention that he is a guardian so I’m assuming they’re keeping some sort of age gap between him and Rose.  They also don’t mention anything about their relationship in the description, be it student/teacher, platonic, romantic, whatever, but they do say he has “an expansive spirit that could threaten to expose the underlying tension between his sense of what’s right and his formal duty to the Moroi.” which seems like a nod to their relationship.

Andre Dae-Kim as Christian Ozera

This was one of my favourite casting choices from the original rumoured cast list and I still love it.

The idea of a non-white Christian makes a lot of sense to me and I think Andre could do a great job of Christian’s aloofness (in the first book) as well as his sarcasm and growing confidence across the other books.

His character description confuses me a bit though: “Intelligent and thoughtful, Christian is the pariah of the school and royal court, due to his parents’ unforgivable societal sins.” sounds accurate enough to the book (although idk if thoughtful is quite the word I’d use for Christian - maybe they mean it in the sense that he’s quiet and keeps to himself?).

Even “Well-read and hungry for knowledge” doesn’t sound that far off, idk if he was *that* particularly studious in the books, but it doesn’t necessarily not make sense either you know?

But “he searches for faith-based answers and discovers a kindred spirit who is also looking for the truth” ??? My cynical, irreverent asshole Christian is now a man of faith? I’m assuming Lissa is the “kindred spirit” (again weird word choice but maybe they mean she’s feeling lost because of the death of her family?) but I just cannot see Christian as being particularly religious.

I’m trying to keep an open mind about these changes because you never know they might play out totally different on screen, but I really hope they didn’t make these changes, particularly that Christian is studious and religious, just because they cast an Asian actor as him (because they feel a little like Asian stereotypes).

J August Richards as Victor Dashkov

This is one that didn’t appear on the original rumoured cast list (as far as I saw) and it’s so different to his description in the books that I kind of don’t have an opinion about it as a casting choice.

I’ve never seen him in anything before so purely on a visual level I think he could be a great fit for Victor, I just think it’ll really come down to how he plays it.

As for this character description: “Victor is a Moroi noble vampire with a heart of gold who’s highly regarded for his role as advisor and political strategist to Moroi dignitaries.” as well as mentioning that he has intelligence and influence, sounds pretty accurate to the book.  Obviously if Andre was the heir to the throne, Victor had to be shifted out of that role, but I think his book 1 arc could still work if they wanted it to.

The “heart of gold” bit obviously made me chuckle and I really hope they threw it in there as a kind of decoy to throw non-book-readers off the fact that he’s actually the villain in book 1/s1.

As for giving him a husband and two daughters, my thoughts are: why the fuck not? He didn’t have a love interest in the original books and I’m always down for more lgbtq+ rep.  My only concern is it maybe playing into the trope of evil/villain characters being queer-coded.  And as for having two daughters, well as long as one of them is Natalie I don’t mind.

Anita-Joy Uwajeh as Tatiana Vogel

Okay this is the most bizarre one imo, not because of the casting, but just the character description.

I mean “Tatiana is a Moroi vampire and political underdog who slowly takes the royal court by storm. Motivated by love and a sense of justice, Tatiana has a unique skill of making herself seem of no consequence until we realize much too late that she was always the one to watch.” sounds extremely Tasha Ozera to me, so like why not just make this character Tasha?  Nothing about this sounds like Tatiana, and Tatiana wasn’t even a Vogel anyway (well Vogel wasn’t even one of the 12 royal families), she was an Ivashkov.

In terms of Anita-Joy herself, well I mean we don’t really have a character to compare her to, is she supposed to be more like Tasha or Tatiana?  She looks fairly young, so my guess is actually on Tasha, but we’ll have to wait to see I guess.

Mia McKenna-Bruce as Mia Karp

This is another one that I was instantly a fan of.

I was so not a fan of Mia’s casting in the movie (I can’t even remember who played her tbh but I really didn’t like it) so this Mia is a lot closer to how I imagine her.

I think she’ll be able to carry Mia’s transformation from bratty social-climber to badass fighter really well.

The character description is interesting though.  “Witty, cutting, and just the right kind of ruthless when necessary, non-Royal Mia has a long-term plan to social climb her way into the ranks of royalty, with all the privilege and freedom that entails.” sound pretty bang on to Mia in the first book.

“A plan complicated by her instant chemistry with Meredith, a Guardian-in-training, as Mia struggles to reconcile her attraction to Meredith with her lowly status.” is an obvious deviation though, and one I kind of love???  Give me all the queer rep, and if we get to see Mia confront the issue of comp-het I’m so here for it.  

It’s kind of funny though because I’ve seen theories that Meredith is a replacement for Eddie and Mia/Eddie has always been my sort of rarepair ship.

The last name Karp is weird af though.  Is she supposed to be Sonya’s daughter?  And if that’s the case I wonder if we’re going to actually see Sonya turn Strigoi in the show’s first season or something and that triggers the change in Mia?  Interesting concept but I’m not sure how the timeline will work.

Rhian Blundell as Meredith

So this is another new one, and tbh I hadn’t given Meredith *that* much though in the past but she’s probably close to how I would have pictured her which is cool.

The elephant in the room with this casting is that Meredith’s role in the books was relatively minor - she was just kind of that character that got brought up whenever R.M needed a dhampir who wasn’t Rose/Dimitri/Mason/Eddie.  So clearly she’s going to have a bigger role in the tv show which I don’t mind but I do wonder if we’re going to lose a character - probably Eddie lbr - in order to have her.  They haven’t casted an Eddie yet as far as we know, but I have seen it pointed out that Eddie’s role in book 1 was pretty small so maybe they just aren’t announcing it.  But there’s also the possibility that maybe Meredith will sort of replace Eddie and be the third part of Rose and Mason’s friendship.

I’m very interested by this part of her character description though, “She has little patience for Rose’s volatility or Mia’s elitism, and regularly calls both of them out.”

Jonetta Kaiser as Sonya Karp

I don’t necessarily dislike Jonetta as Sonya but I am confused by this choice.  She looks fairly young, which tbf Sonya was young-ish I guess, but if Mia is supposed to be her daughter she doesn’t look old enough to have a teenaged daughter.  So maybe Sonya and Mia are sisters? Cousins? Just have each other’s last names for no reason? I really don’t know.  They also look nothing alike.

Other than that, I don’t really have an opinion about Jonetta as Sonya.  Obviously looks nothing like how Sonya was described but that’s not new nor a massive concern for me.  

I can’t really tell just from looking at her, and I haven’t seen her in anything, if she would play a good Sonya.  I think with a lot of the characters it’s going to come down to the personality they bring to the part and the writing.

I looooooove her character description though:  “Quiet, careful and decidedly odd, Sonya is not of royal bloodline and sits out on the fringe of Moroi society, preferring to spend her time in the library or her gardens. Not a person who likes a scene, nonetheless she has a quiet but profound power of her own. She is taken by surprise when a Dhampir Guardian named Mikhail shows interest in her, a relationship that will expose both the brightest and darkest parts of her heart.”  It’s everything I would probably want from a description of Sonya and I’m more and more convinced that we’re going to see Sonya’s descent into madness and transformation into a Strigoi play out in maybe the first season which I am so curious how they’re going to work into the timeline.

Andrew Liner as Mason Ashford

Our last one and another one who doesn’t look remotely like his description but again? Not a surprise and not a problem for me.  He looks like he could play Mason’s goofiness really well as well as be a solid contender for a love interest for Rose.

“Charming, loyal and popular, Mason is Rose’s main competition in the quest to become the No. 1 Guardian-in-training. Though their relationship is casual on her side, he is hopeful she will finally look at him and see him as something more.” His character description makes a lot of sense, maybe him being Rose’s main competition is a bit of a deviation? But I think that’s more an indication that he’s supposed to be a strong fighter which isn’t inaccurate to the books.  The rest sounds great.

Other Thoughts

Descriptions of the show specifically mention friendship and classism as major themes which I am very happy to hear about because those are the two parts of VA that I love the most.

Am a little more worried about it being described as “sexy” though, if they shove a whole bunch of meaningless sex scenes in it just because it’s a YA show I’m not gonna be happy.

Seen the show compared to “Game of Thrones” and “Bridgerton” which at first had me like oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck not good not good not good.  But thinking about it more and trying to understand where Plec’s coming from with that description I wonder if means similar to GoT as in the cut-throat nature of the Moroi/Dhampir society cause I can kind of see that.  And as for Bridgerton I wonder if she’s referring to the kind of social-climbing aspects of it, because again that makes sense and it seems like a theme she really wants to concentrate on.  I hope that’s what she means by those comparisons, or that she just wants to compare it to popular shows to get people to watch it.  The worst would be if she tries to throw in a lot of unnecessary sex scenes to make it like those shows, because I hate when they do that, especially when the characters are teenagers.

Interesting to hear that Plec has known about the series since before Twilight or TVD - not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

Seems like it’s actually mostly (or all??) written by Marguerite MacIntyre which is interesting because I know people were worried about Julie Plec - I’ve never watched anything by either of them so I’m neutral at this point.

[beautifulterriblequeen]

Trickster: an Ethari theory

I've had yea many Ethari headcanons, and I hope I live to have yea many more. Most of them are probably wrong, or incomplete at best. But boy are they fun.

I love to wonder what Ethari will really be like in canon when we get to know him for more than 3 minutes, but whoever he really is on his own, he will have an effect on Runaan , Rayla, and everyone who loves him, because they love him.

The first headcanon I can remember having for "Tinker" was that he could be like Leonardo da Vinci: a genius, creative, surrounded by beautiful ideas given shape by his hands, but also capable of creating deadly weapons, enchantments, and devices with equal beauty, and perhaps not really seeing where the line between them was. It was fun, but Ethari has ended up far softer than my headcanon, and I love and support him in his softness!

After a nice string of Ethari headcanons, this year I've started poking at the Trickster archetype and seeing if it applies to him. And I think it absolutely does!

Tricksters often seem like Chaos. But they're not. They're just Difference. "Chaos" is subjective. Like the "divergent" in "neurodivergent." Who says? Divergent from what, exactly? Perspective matters, and Tricksters have a very broad take on things which allows them to think outside any box people might try to invite them into.

My enjoyment of Loki has brought all kinds of ideas to my dash with the arrival of the Loki show. I've got a copy of the Edda, and I highlighted the hell out of it a couple of years ago as I searched for the roots of Loki's origin story. (It's truly fascinating reading and the symbolic language hidden inside their poetry is dazzlingly amazing and I'm super using it sometime just so you know)

Loki is a Trickster, and he's far from alone in myth and legend. Anansi, Coyote, and Sun Wukong are some you may have heard of. Aaravos is another, of course. Tricksters can be called upon to lend aid and wisdom when the rules don't have an answer for some extraordinary circumstance which the Trickster's people find themselves in. But that's not because they are truly outside the rule of order. They are actually a part of it. They are the catch-all for when the everyday ordinary rules fail people, and something "unthinkable"--in the literal sense--might just hold the answer.

This post crossed my dash today, and something finally clicked in my head, and all of this coalesced from what felt like separate places. But they're not separate, not anymore! Serotonin, baby. It's basically upped my headcanon to a full-blown theory.

What caught my eye was an answer to why Ethari's clothing is so determinedly asymmetrical, compared to Runaan's specifically, but Moonshadows in general. It's because of this:

Long protective sleeves below patterns on shoulders. A high collar paired with a bright and noticeable swoop around the neck. Fine detailing and graceful taste. Asymmetrical tunic point on the left, below broad strappy leather. Knee high boots with stylish protective gaiters.

And let's not forget the curling horns! In some comics, Loki has a broken horn. So does Ethari.

Yes, there is a lot of similarity here, but I'm not focused so much on the visuals as the reason they were chosen. Feel free to consider other aspects of Ethari's personality and how they might be similar to certain parts of Loki's. I did! But I wouldn't be me if I didn't go deeper than that.

My favorite book in the universe (so far) is Lois McMaster Bujold's The Curse of Chalion, and one of the many reasons why is because of her pantheon. It holds five gods, represented by a hand: Father, Mother, Son, Daughter, and Bastard. The first four all have their roles and places. The Bastard--the thumb--inherits everything else. He is the god of all things that do not belong to any other gods, and that includes self-sacrificing vengeance and queerness. He is a Trickster, and his influence on Cazaril's life is far deeper than at first glance. Chaos has its place. It belongs, and so do the Tricksters who engender it. God, I love this book. Please read it if you haven't. Bujold's work is amazing.

If you've seen or read any version of MDZS/Untamed, you know that Wei WuXian is a trickster. Competent and badass in battle, but playful and teasing to the point where sometimes even he isn't sure what he truly wants, he can bring a massive amount of power and focus when he wants to. It's always a matter of "but is it important to me?"

I love WWX so much. The Trickster vibe is very apparent in his character, and in a way you just don't get in Western media. We see him on his own, and we see him with family and loved ones. And he's always feeling something so intensely! He's driven by his emotions, for good or ill. He vibes with chaos, and he will create it if it doesn't exist yet. But he will also create family from nothing, and that's something you don't see enough of! WWX is a Trickster with an emotional preference for joy.

In TDP, Ethari doesn't have a lot of lore yet. It's being Moonshadowed because spoilers for future seasons, and I respect that. The longer the wait for S4, the more ideas I will just amuse myself with in the meantime--and yeah, this is one of them, so what? :))) But we do know a little about him.

He loves music. He loves to read. He leaves his mark on things in swirly form. He works very hard, even through headaches, because what he's doing is that important to him, even though he would much rather be making jewelry. He loves taking the time to polish rough stones into brilliant jewels, and he adores big pretty flowers and had them at his wedding.

Ethari has a temper, but he also loves puns. The weapons he crafts are exquisite: "light, elegant, strong, and clever." And he knew darn well that Runaan was trying to flirt with him, but why return a sentiment he may or may not feel yet when he can play with the overly earnest assassin just a little bit first?

Okay, just... A "simple craftsman" deciding that it's going to be fun to toy for a bit with a broody assassin's feelings? Would you risk that? Ethari got balls the size of the moon, and a brain to match. When he has to make weaponry, he does not half-ass it. Ethari's stabby creations nearly have a life of their own. His creations are literally called "trick weapons." This elf is a lot, okay. And it's possible that he doesn't even know how "a lot" he is. Yet.

We're meeting Ethari after he's found something that is, in fact, genuinely important to him: Runaan, and Rayla, and Laindrin too. Ethari has found a relatively stable place to settle and find a role to adopt. I say adopt, though, because making weaponry for his loved ones is not what he grew up wanting to do. It's what he had to do to keep them safe, once he found a place to bestow his heart.

But in the show, Ethari has lost his family, one by one. First Lain and Tiadrin, ghosted. Then Runaan, supposedly fallen on his mission. Then Rayla, ghosted for abandoning Runaan. He and Rayla have reconnected now, but the rest of his family is still out of his reach. If Rayla has indeed told him, by S4, what she learned at the Moonhenge in TTM, then Ethari may parallel Rayla's journey to seek answers. But even if he doesn't know yet, and gets pulled into some other story arc first, we will be seeing Ethari without his family.

Remember the ATLA episode "Zuko Alone"? Consider: "Ethari Alone."

Ethari has chosen, for love, to fit himself into a box that wasn't of his own making. And now that box has broken. His family doesn't need him to be their craftsman anymore. Perhaps others will need him to be other things to them. Or perhaps he will know that his family does need him, but to be far more than just a maker of pretty swords. A rescuer, perhaps. A healer, a guide? An avenger?

A trickster. Capable of taking many shapes, because he understands them all. Ethari works with form and function. If he needs to transform himself, he will.

That's what Tricksters do. It's delightfully queer and delightfully neurodivergent. Ancient peoples accepted and revered the different among them and actively sought their help with things they themselves struggled with.

Tricksters are Difference. Sometimes that manifests as chaos, sometimes as genius. But if you do not love and appreciate your chaos, it will absolutely turn on you. Wei Wuxian did. Loki certainly has, many times. Perhaps Aaravos is doing so as well.

I cannot wait to see what Ethari does with his difference. I have something very specific that I hope he goes and breaks.

All this from a picture of Tom Hiddleston in his Avengers 1 Loki costume? Yeah. Because Ethari was designed to wear asymmetrical clothing, in a Moonshadow culture that prides itself on balance. Sure, there are some other Moonshadows who wear this or that asymmetrical item, and I do love to see it. But Ethari has the most asymmetrical lines of them all. The meta glee I feel knowing that Moonshadow elves are designed to hold many layers of meaning in their appearances--that the writers, creators, and character designers just flexed with them--is truly a delight.

Ethari is asymmetrical. The full and practical application of that is a glass casket, and I hope it becomes a gift that keeps on giving, because boy do I want to keep receiving it. But right now, I'm genuinely seeing evidence of the Trickster archetype in him. And I really hope it gets to come out and play.

[glassesandkim]

I would like to say my piece here about schmico, grey’s anatomy, and the fandom and it’s really for my own self-indulgence and benefit. I’m not asking for you to agree with me or even begin to understand what I’m going on about. I don’t even think half the things that I think about for this fandom exists on an important level. I fully believe in just ~vibin’~ to your own tune when it comes to participating in fandom spaces.

so this post is gonna be my way of getting stuff off my chest so i can continue to ~vibe~

First thing I’d like to address is: I know. I know the Nico Kim that I love and adore is not the Nico Kim in canon. He is who I hope he is in canon. But there’s not much to combat or support that he is or isn’t. He really could be who we’ve made up in fanon for him and at the same time, he really couldn’t. Grey’s created this character that is as blank as a dried piece of toast. So forgive me if I spread a bit of spicy jam here and there so I can swallow this bland shit down a little easier. 

So when people come to me to say, “Y’all are delulu and out of your mind to love this guy this much.” PLEASE, I know. This isn’t news, honey. I am well aware.

But I will continue to justify, romanticize, and put this boy on a pedestal for as long as his existence in canon continues to remain arbitrary and vague. And it makes me very biased to a fault but I have put too much time and energy into this character NOT to be. 

And then you might ask, why have I put so much of my time and life (THREE YEARS!!!! I’VE BEEN IN THIS FANDOM FOR THREE YEARS!!!!!!!!!!) into this character that has all but said maybe like a PAGE of dialogue at most? 

Because I was conned into it. Because they marketed the shit out of him when Alex Landi got the part. And I, as a casual viewer of Grey’s since I was in high school (I’m in my late 20s now, dawg) and of Asian descent was promised representation. Not just Asian rep, but queer rep. 

So naturally, I got extremely attached. It's not everyday a major Western mainstream prime time medical drama chooses to create a character as unique as Nico's. 

I spent so much time here. I was here when fandom decided Nico would call Levi “babe”. I was here when we all clowned that Nico didn’t know Levi’s first name. I was here when Josh died and the fandom went up in arms with pitchforks and stakes against Nico. I was here for all of it. I've seen it all. 

And unfortunately, seeing it all, makes me tired. Grey’s is time and time again proving to me that they don’t give a shit about the development and well-being of their existing characters at all. The show only cares about collecting diversity points and performing their wokeness to the general masses. (I talk a lot about how grey's is plot-driven vs. character-driven.) 

I will still get frustrated and annoyed at Nico’s lack of character development. But I mostly just laugh at the fandom nowadays. I know you guys want to fight the fight, tell everyone Nico is not toxic!!!!!! But bros, friends, lovers, it’s a tried and tired fight. 

Grey’s wants us to think Nico is a Bad Boyfriend. It’s as clear as the stench one comes across when they step on dog shit. That’s why I think it’s useless to fight people about Nico. Grey’s gets amnesia all the time. Grey’s forgot the whole season and half they invested in creating a loving boyfriend for Levi and up and changed Nico’s personality to fit a new narrative (that they, quite frankly, failed to even follow through because of covid and other filming hoopla hula hoops they’ve had to jump through that I’ve been informed of and which I simply don’t care for). 

So all this ~schmico is endgame!!! we deserve it!!!~ Binches, I have better things to fight for than schmico endgame. What’s the alternative? Levi lives in Jo’s closet forever? They’re going to be together in the end no matter what. Nobody on that show cares enough about Nico OR Levi to set up new relationships and stories for them. So don’t fret, my friends. They’ll be together in the end. It just comes down to the question of what stupid story they’re going to come up with for them to be together. (And might I argue that they already are together???) 

Speaking of the bogus story they’re going to write for schmico: you bet my rice eating, Chinese-speaking ass, that it’s not going to be a story written from a queer and poc perspective. It’s going to be some gag-worthy straight het story but made gay. (How many times do I have to hear, "I hope Nico comes out to his parents!!" NO, HE DOESN'T! Do you know how VIOLENT coming out is sometimes?? It's not a solution to Nico's problems with Levi. It's an introduction and invitation to problems over being queer -- but why would I expect anyone, let alone Grey's, to understand that prepetuating these types of stories is inherently damaging to queer people? They wouldn't know. The cishet fandom wouldn't know. Because no one is writing grey's in a queer, poc centric way.)

Which drives me to the next point: you know why Nico doesn’t get character development even though he showed up at the same time as Link? Because of ✨racism ✨. Because Link is a more conventional character (read: white) that is easier to write because nobody on this show knows how to write an Asian character anymore, let alone a gay Asian character. So of course, nobody wants to touch that shit even with a pogo stick. (Argue with me that Cristina exists and I will tell you, yes she did, but they RARELY touched upon her cultural and ethnic background. Also it was the early 2000s. Cristina was as ground breaking as it got for us Asians back then.)

And then because Nico isn’t developed enough, we have the weird phenomenon of people shipping everyone and their dog with Levi and it’s like, y’all know you got played by the racism game, right? You are hostages to this system that has taught you that white men are more desirable and deserving of story and humanity than a poc character who is instead, reduced to nothing but sex appeal and if he’s not doing well on that front, then he’s useless.

How many times does Levi say: Nico is so hot! Sex with Nico is so good! He’s a roman statue!

All!! the!! time!! Nico's worth to Levi’s character is to be the sex object that Sets Him Free. 

Which plays into the sexualization of Asian people which all comes from, you guessed it! Racism! (Levi really compared Nico to a fucking lifeless slab of stone.)

(Side note: I do think talking about how racism plays into Nico’s character and the fandom space is important and probably a separate post. I’m happy to write my opinion piece on it if it’s something people want.) 

But anyway, those are just some of my qualms with schmico, grey’s anatomy, and the fandom. I do not expect anyone to fully agree with me and I’m not asking the fandom to change or apologize or whatever. I’m just already grateful if you took the time to even read this post. 

I’ll leave with some parting advice: fandom is what you make of it. We won’t all agree with everyone’s hot takes, but that’s the beauty of it, yeah? So I chose to create this version of Nico Kim that brings me IMMENSE joy. Like, A LOT!!! I love this fandom for these reasons. I’m grateful everyday for the friends I’ve made and the works and creations I’ve created and I’m honoured to be able to consume other works made by fellow fans. 

I might hate a lot of things about grey’s and schmico, but I really owe a lot of myself to this fandom. 

[demenior]

Dem’s Big Post About The Spn Fics Part 1/2

aka The Wrap Up to celebrate To Exist Again and To Become a Man now being finished!

(This will be a long post. This is your only warning.)

Admittedly this is a bit of a weird thing to be doing, but I wanted to try it out for 3 reasons: 

I love talking about my own work and 

It functions really well as a self-reflective tool for me to improve on, and 

I can answer some big questions people might have because there was a LOT of worldbuilding in these stories. 

We’ll start off with reflective stuff, and move into the juicier world-building focused stuff later into the post. There will be major spoilers for both fics to come!

To begin with a funny anecdote, Why Did I Write These Stories?

I was beginning to write and work out the story that I wanted to write for Spn (what will now be To Destroy a Man. As I was writing the scene, I realized I had a LOT of ideas and while I was trying to avoid as much exposition as I could, it became quickly apparent that I was needing to create my own au (this scene eventually became chapter 34 of To Become a Man). A short prequel seemed like a good idea, to quickly hash out the ‘prior’ events that I needed to go through so all the readers could be on the same page. While plotting out prequel points, I realized Sam and Dean were going to have drastically different experiences during the same time period, and I was trying to figure out who’s pov would be better for which scenes, and how to keep momentum when they’re going through such radically different types of changes. Ultimately I decided to split their povs, which I also thought would be a fun project! And I naively assumed each pov would take about 2 chapters each, rounding out to maybe 15k total.

I had my ending points: Dean n Cas soul-merged and (basically) married, Cas on the lam from heaven and a complete anomaly, and Sam juiced up full of powers and a weird mix of archangel and antichrist but still 100% human and ready to fight God. 

Now I needed to add weight to these changes, so I wrote 200k of build-up.

Am I proud of these fics?

OF COURSE I AM!!! These are the longest fics I’ve ever written AND finished AND in the fastest freakin turnaround ever (both were finished writing, barring edits, in like 6 months holy shit)

I didn’t write a single scene that I “didn’t” want to write. If I had trouble writing it, as in it was fighting me, I scrapped it. Most obviously was the scene in Dean’s pov where he and Sam were intended to meet some other hunters and Dean declines working with them because he’s nervous about being outed as queer. It was meant to be a good scene! I wanted to introduce some new characters! But it just wasn’t working so I said ‘thank you, next!’. 

But it means this story was an absolute joy to write. Because for a while all I was doing was ‘if I wanted to write one scene into supernatural, what would I write?’ and then just DID that!! It’s why there’s a lot of ‘Salmondean do dumb shit or have really dumb heartfelt conversations’ scenes.

Would I change anything?

If I’d been less eager to start sharing, I might have planned out the story beats a little tighter so there were less ‘soft’ chapters and a draw/pull for people to come back and keep reading. I felt Dean’s story specifically lagged at points and could have used some tighter editing (there was a noticeable lull in directed movement between Dean n Cas getting together, until Sam corrupts Amy).

I also probably would have held Sam’s story until I’d finished Dean’s so I could make the two line up better! Probably could have inserted more scenes into Sam’s fic that way, and made sure things were a little more consistent. In an ideal world one concept I had was to release 1 chapter from each pov every week that would correspond to the same time frame so we’d be getting real-time SalmonDean pov narrative. Unfortunately that didn’t work!

The biggest takeaway overall is for me to focus more on what moves the plot, and to make my scenes do more than 1 thing so I can cut down on wordcount and increase my efficiency. 

Of course every writer will find things they want to fix in anything they’ve ever written, so these are minor “mistakes” at best. I’m so dang proud of these fics. 

Onto more interesting things!

How Did I Put These Fics Together (because it’s different than anything I’ve ever done before)

Normally when I write a story, I plan out the beats I need to hit, see where I need to insert any kind of foreshadowing/buildup, and then write from A to B to C and so on and so forth. Hence, this is why I can normally post things as I complete chapters, because it’s all a linear progression. 

For these two stories, rather than linear plot/a normal story structure, I just sat and free-wrote any and every scene that came to mind and then pieced them into a kinda-linear form like putting a quilt together. You’ll note that this is why there’s not a lot of internal callback or a feeling of sense of time flowing within the fic (save for points where I went back and specifically edited it in). How long does the story take place over? Hard to say! Your author has the barest grasp on linear time even on a good day (how many times did I say ‘see you on [wrong day]’ at the end of chapters lmaaoooo)

This also meant EXTENSIVE editing on the back end once I decided in what order I wanted my ‘quilt pieces’ to be. Hard to say if this is a bonus or a negative!

But I did want to try and capture the vibe of the lives they lead, as a bit of a ‘slice of life’-style story, when the slice of life is the profound weirdness of the Winchester roaming life, and how things are status quo- until everyone almost dies oh shit!! And then they have to keep living because no therapy we die/undie like Winchesters. Do I think I captured this effectively? Hmm. Good question. 

Dem where the FUCK did the inspiration for a lot of the magic and creature weirdness even come from?

Honestly? Music, primarily. And completely mishearing lyrics!

Nightwish ‘Ever Dream’: the line is ‘my song can but borrow you grace’ and because my brain is scrambled eggs on a good day, I heard ‘grace’ ‘song’ and ‘borrow’ in that order and have had, for YEARS, the mental image of Cas borrowing Dean’s soul to power himself up for battle.

From there I’ve always been enamored with the ‘wavelength of celestial intent’ descriptor that Cas drops in s6 for “what he is”. 

I also really like ocean metaphors mostly because I’ve been obsessed with the ocean and things in it since I was like… 5??? So really this was me just rolling with what I know lmao. I love using (somewhat) accurate scientific metaphors for very intangible things!

I was also finishing my degree in biology/ecology while writing these fics and I think it shows

Stars ‘The Night Starts Here’ gives us the series title and the fic titles. Except for ‘To Exist Again’. TEA was almost titled ‘The Upwards Fall’ because I wanted all 3 of the Main Stories to have titles from this song, but I couldn’t make anything else work in tandem with the series name ‘The Love It Takes’ while also working for Sam’s personal story. So Sam, as always, is the rebel <3

Stars ‘Up In Our Bedroom, After The War’ is basically the vibes of the whole story. TFW has been, literally, to hell and back!!! There’s a bit of melancholy and sadness, a lingering dark, but the chance of a bright new tomorrow and a soft start.

Let’s Talk About Themes in The Story! What were you looking to accomplish? 

My earliest notes for TFW are, as follows:

Dean’s journey of self-discovery (who am I when I’m not trying to be Dad?)

Dean wants to settle down! He wants a big family! He wants to be domestic!

Basically: Dean doesn’t want to have a short life of hunting. He wants to live!

Dean’s journey of realizing he’s bi, and him accepting that

Dean’s relationship to Sam is both older brother/parent 

And continuing Dean balancing these roles while also letting Sam be an adult 

Dean’s Big Issues/Fears about never being good enough for people to want to stay with him (these are effectively highlighted in that Cas thinks he’s not useful enough to be wanted)

Sub Plot:

Castiel’s autonomy

Cas’ fall from grace, to trying to restore Heaven, to wrecking it further

He’s majorly depressed by the end of s7 (before purgatory)

Wants to stay in Purgatory but doesn’t tell Dean

Remains depressed after leaving, but resolved to keep living on because he’s clearly meant for something

After the seraphim reveal: does he have free will?! How does he grapple with this? How does he live in a way he can be proud of?

And lastly

Sam gets his powers back CAUSE THATS HOT

where tf did they go????

he got them from Lucifer?????

sleeper agent??????

Sam is The Chosen One

Accepts that he is More Than Human and to celebrate all parts of him

Lucifer and Sam friends?? Work together????

Sam needs autonomy in his choices/his life

If you compare these to the overall arc of TFW within the two stories, I think I got a lot of them! But you’ll also note a lot of these things aren’t concrete goals that are easily measurable (ex: Dean wants to learn to bake pie. In chapter 1 he starts a fire in the kitchen. By the end of the story he finally makes A Good Pie.) part of the lack of concrete milestones was why I felt it was important to tell Dean (and Cas’) story by going back to the point they meet, in s4! Dean’s gradual change towards his feelings for Cas, his relationship to Sam (heavily influenced by the s7 events of this fic) and then his own relationship with himself were such slow burns that I felt it would be a disservice to try and cram a change like that into a timeline like “1 year”.

I felt like these subtle changes and adjustments actually felt a lot truer to life-- people often change in very small, gradual ways over time, even without realizing it and often times not consistently! If only we could all gain skills like the sims, where we can easily level up and remain at that high level of performance! 

So the Guy Who Ate Satan, A Celestial Nuke that Developed Sentience, and Dean walk into a bar…

Sam’s story in Spn The Show has always been a ‘chosen one’ kind of narrative. Sam is living with one foot in the realm of the monsters, and I wanted to bring that back full force! It really makes sense for him that he should only continue to grow in power, might, and magic!! As the story progresses.

Cas also got a power up! I do desperately love in the show that he was kind of a grunt/nothing angel, and so even when he defected to TFW he was a huge help for them, but in the scale of things he was an annoying fly to most other angels. It really worked for the underdog story of s4/5. In this I wanted to give him a power up, and originally it was actually going to be close contact with Sam that eventually changed Cas into something unknown (you can still see traces of this in ch34 of TBAM, where Death remarks ‘Castiel could be [Sam’s] first creation’. But for a combo of reasons: how Sam’s magic needed to have intent, the entire concept of free will and consent, and how much I wanted Dean and Cas to have their effect on each other, I decided to go with the route that Cas has actually always been something angel-adjacent rather than becoming something new. TFW/Supernatural has always been about free will and making your own story, so I amplified that with Cas.

Dean has always been A Normal Guy, which is part of the appeal of him and Sam (2 normal dudes!) taking on the Very Not Normal. As explained above, Sam’s story is ‘normal guy finds out he’s the chosen one’ and so, in a story about very large concepts and huge monsters and acts of magic, I felt it was very important to keep Dean as normal as possible. To the point it became a running gag to me, personally, in that ‘no matter what cool shit happens around him, Dean has to stay as Just A Guy’. And it’s a very humanizing role that allows the story to have the scale it does!

What were the most important themes in your story?

Sam’s Autonomy

I wasn’t even going to include the plot about Lucifer’s death in this story— that was going to come up in a later story, actually! And rather than Sam having ate Lucifer, the original idea was that they’d become a SamandLucifer entity (this harkens back to a concept I wanted to write when Swan Song first aired). 

That storyline would have involved a lot of mental ‘Sam and Lucifer discuss what it means to live, which one of them is more worthy of life and if they do deserve to destroy the world for the pain they’ve been forced to go through, just to create the dichotomy of good and evil for everyone else’ discussions. There would be a lot of talk about how Sam hates and fears Lucifer for the pain Lucifer put on Sam, how Lucifer hates Sam because he and Sam are the same but Sam’s brother loves him anyways, etc. 

Ultimately that was scrapped because Sam’s entire story in the show is always about how the world and everyone around him manipulates him and that he never actually gets to make choices about his own life or body that aren’t influenced or part of someone elses’ design. And that always bothered me that Sam was never allowed to be himself without having to be ashamed of it, and I wanted to make sure that Sam’s triumph of being proud of himself/proudly choosing to exist (again) was evident in his story

In the end I needed Sam to have this visceral win over his tormentor. As the story shows, in this case Lucifer was abused and put into a position where he was incapable of empathy and could only express himself in violence. Sam even understands this! But it doesn’t change the fact that Lucifer tortured Sam in unimaginable ways for thousands of years. 

With that in mind I didn’t like the idea of Lucifer and Sam having “co-ownership” of their new identity, so I made the choice that Sam had to be the survivor. This tied in well with Sam’s new crusade to restore free will to the universe, because he’s breaking the narrative of his own story!

While Castiel wasn’t a pov character, his own autonomy and free will was equally as important. You’ll note that many, many paragraphs and conversations revolved around that theme and that in the end Cas followed himself (and love!) which ensured his freedom of self <3

The Brothers are WEIRD PEOPLE!!!! And Codependent to a Worrying Degree, but It’s Also How They Survive

It’s very hard to show “unusual” relationships when you’re writing from the pov of the two people who don’t think there’s anything weird about their relationship. Sure, they say ‘yeah it’s probably weird that we still share a bed’ but that’s kinda more in line with ‘I had a nightmare and I want to be close to the person who makes me feel safe’. Hashtag normalize co-sleeping when you need it!!!

From there I did try to point out how the boys have a weird perception of lifestyle in the little things they did. 

From thrifting everything from clothes to appliances to books (thrifting is a valid lifestyle! It’s incredibly handy when you’re on a budget.) 

To never actually having condiments or knowing how to use a dishwasher cause they’ve lived in a car, a motel room, or squatted in old houses their whole life.

I tried to have them wear each others’ clothes or casually swap things as much as possible. They live out of each others’ pockets!

Also the brothers are just weird people!! It’s hard to show from their pov, cause they don’t know how far off from normal they are, but like…

Everything about Sam and Amelia was NOT right like holy shit those two were wilding in their grief. They are very lucky things worked out for them and that they got to be hashtag Weird Girls together

Dean explicitly, in the story, gets horny after killing stuff!! Violence has done a number on his psyche and he’s gotten some wires crossed that maybe shouldn’t have been, or maybe could be worked out in a safe space but… uh… how likely do we think Dean is gonna go find a safe space to deal with any of his shit???

LOVE!!! Love is truly what this whole story is all about

If you’ve read the stories, you know how much emphasis I put on love. Love is the strongest force in the Spn Universe! It’s what averted the apocalypse and saved the world (Swan Song), it’s what created free will (Cas’ entire arc!) I love love!!!!

I went out of my way to not put any definitions on platonic love vs romantic love because I think love is love is love and how you express that is the difference. Neither is more powerful than the other because LOVE is powerful!! Sam and Cas are the most important people in Dean’s life and he loves them equally! He shows this by giving Cas kisses and stealing Sam’s socks.

It’s a personal pet peeve of mine when I have to hear explanations like ‘I love you, like a brother’ or ‘I love you, but like, as a friend because I’m a lesbian and you’re a man’ etc etc in media. If you have to continuously define how your characters love each other, then I don’t think you’re doing a good job of portraying their relationship. So you’ll see that I never put those parameters in any conversation. Dean DOES muse that he loves Cas differently than he loves Sam or Bobby, specifically because there is a romantic and sexual tone that his feelings for Cas takes, but not because he loves Cas more or less than he loves Sam or Bobby.

Which means, if you haven’t realized it yet, the Series + Fic Titles are meant to be a complete sentence because the power of love IS the thesis of this series:

The Love It Takes To Exist Again (Sam’s journey!)

The Love It Takes To Become a Man (Dean’s journey!)

The Love It Takes To Destroy a Man (TBA)

And now for fun stuff. Behind the scenes!!

What’s Something People Probably Don’t Know?

The demonic fungal/hydrothermal vent growth on Sam’s arm was thrown in literally as I was posting the chapter because I had just finished a 48 hour cram session of writing a report on tube worms for an ecology class (I was chanting my tube worm song as I wrote it) and it ended up being a HUGE hit with both readers and myself. But it was so last minute I had trouble fitting it in more throughout the rest of Sam’s story!

Cas’ orders? That may or may not have bound him to Dean and removed his free will? Were written into Sam’s story and I went ‘oh SHIT that’s compelling’ and then left them there as a ‘guess I’ll figure that out when I get to Dean’s story lol’

Originally Dean and Cas were supposed to get together after having their souls bonded, and have been in a UST limbo the entire time before that. Mostly because I think the entire concept of ‘we just got married of the soul I guess we should try dating?’ is very funny. CLEARLY the two of them were way more eager to fall in love than I anticipated (thank you Cas for your honesty) but you can still see shades of this original idea here and there (especially in ch35 of TBAM)

I never intended Dean and Benny to connect so well!! Benny was going to reunite with Andrea, she was going to live, and they were going to go off into the world and leave the story. And, uh, here we are. I’m still debating if I need to adjust the relationship tag or not haha. Polyamory is fun, especially when I was planning for Sam to be the polyamorous brother...

Speaking of, I can’t believe I forgot about Sam and his sexuality! If I rewrote TEA I would have had Sam contemplate more on his lack of sexual appetite due to trauma, up until he meets Benny and he gets to rediscover how he wants to be a sexual person

Many of Sam and Dean’s absolutely stupid sibling conversations were lifted near-verbatim from conversations I’ve had with my siblings

And lastly...

Dem where’s Kevin????????????? Where is our sweet baby boy????????

He’s SAFE!! He’s in the Hunter pipeline somewhere cause Sam handed him off to Bobby’s people. He and his mom are safe and at some point they probably got rib sigils like SalmonDean did against angels, but for demons. I didn’t have room in this story for him!!! But my baby boy is SAFE and I want to get him back to university because it’s WHAT HE DESERVES!!!!

To that point: god there were/are SO many characters that I just didn’t include in the story so far because I didn’t feel comfortable including them without stalling the story for them. To that point: pretty much everyone who is alive/dead in s8 is that way in this story, except Bobby who gets to live.

[Check Out Part 2 for reader questions!]

[bottomharrykingdom]

Hiya. I’m a little confused. Is it okay for me to see Harry As just a guy playing with gender norms. Obviously if is closeted trans I 100% support him and if he comes out I still 100% support him. I just know a few of my gay and lesbian friends get really pissed off if they’re misgendered because of who they like or what they wear or how they act etc. I don’t mean to offend anyone I’d just like to learn about these things more x

Hi! Of course the whole world doesn't have to agree with us, but hopefully a transphobic line of thinking isn't behind it! For example, saying Harry having body hair, muscles, and a penis makes him a masculine cis man is extremely hurtful to trans women assigned male at birth. Saying that masculinity cancels the possibility of him having a connection with womanhood promotes stigma against masculine women, especially trans women whose identities are invalidated if they aren't meeting a hyperfeminine standard. And mocking his queer expression as being "basic" in comparison to other queer people who are "doing it better" is extremely hurtful to trans people who are "doing it" just like Harry.

Transhood(as an umbrella term for noncis) is about what's inside! You can compare Harry to straight cis boys who wear dresses to prove feminine boys exist, but it's completely irrelevant to all the actual reasons people think Harry is trans.

A lot of people misinterpret our belief in Harry being trans and say it stems from his clothes and behavior, but the truth is what really sparked the conversation was Fine Line!

Harry's known to be very meticulous and deliberate about the visuals in his projects, be it religious, about his family, film references, or sexuality. And while fans have been able to find these connections, Harry has never publicly spoken about any of them. That hardly means he didn't do it on purpose, and it certainly doesn't mean he doesn't want people to notice!

So when a lot of people saw that the album cover was three horizontal lines in the exact colors and shades of the trans flag, they began looking at the album through that lense. Of transhood, for some through their own.

Harry saying the album was about things he'd been wrestling with for years, a struggle he expresses in the titular song Fine Line,

how he described the lines of gender becoming ambiguous,

how the album is called Fine Line,

how the words "fine line" reference the song where he sings, "we'll be a fine line, we'll be alright", the same song where he expressed a struggle with separate entity, now together, sharing this experience of togetherness in ambiguity,

showing that it's all a reference to a state of being where there are no lines,

seeing his identity as separate, struggling with it and in need of a way to be together,

when there's a song called She where he sings about a woman who lives inside him who's the first one he sees, but only in daydreams, living a life he wants to abandon to be with her, because currently they can't be together, and live separately.

And as if that didn't show how the themes in Fine Line connect and reflect transhood, gender nonconformity takes a front seat in this album era! He could've picked any other time, but Harry chose this album about making peace with himself and finding joy in that acceptance, to be paired with gender nononconformity. Photoshoots where he publicly wears makeup, fishnets, dresses, and ballerina tutus, and his poses are more fluid and flamboyant. And often he's doing these things for the first time! As if to say he's settled something, and can now experience things he'd been holding back from.

And it was only after all of that that people began to look back at Harry's self expression through the years, finding once again that it all shows a reflection of the trans experience. Not the other way around! It definitely didn't start with the first time he wore a dress in 2017, but rather, it was all pieced together in hindsight. After Fine Line.

So hopefully that gives you a better idea of why people believe Harry's trans! It's a very complex thing to summarize. You're welcome to disagree with it, of course! It's just that when incorrect information is spread about Harry and gender, it's hard to find it believable.

Think of it as a beautiful plant! As the theme featured in the album goes, Harry is a sprouting plant being born again.

And the nail polish and dresses make up the many beautiful petals of flowers from that same plant. Even without them that plant is still alive. And it came as a shock to many people, but it had flowers after all! It just needed a little time to bloom 💖

[ratplagues]

🔥 any dishonored thing of ur choosing -deathoftheoutsider

wah okay!! i will talk a bit about the outsider and void then..i dont really wanna frame it as a Hot Take bc i have no interest in starting shit or whatever like ill interact with whatever i want to in this fandom and ignore the rest and everyone else is free to do the same but.

I do not think The Outsider is a “character” in the conventional sense, much less that it does his character or the allegory he wields any justice to be shipped with anyone in the series (at least without seriously considering the implications and framing it in a way that completes the allegory. more on this later)

the outsider and his void are an allegory for Otherness; i’m namely gonna frame it as queerness and neurodiversity, but really anything could fit as long as it’s about you feeling seen as a marginalized and othered person. he is written to represent this allegory, not to be a person with a satisfying narrative arc or dimensions. this is why some people feel that he lacks depth-- he’s not supposed to have depth compared to others in the series, he’s mostly a vehicle for what he represents, and is supposed to be easy to identify with or recognize.

he was born to a life of hardship, suffered at the hands of the rich and powerful, was ignored, cast out, etc. etc. a familiar story. poor, queer, nd, really whatever you wanna frame it as. he was a nobody outcast. in comes the envisioned, they pick him to serve as their martyr and idol without his permission. he then had his name cut away and forgotten, and was thrust onto a pedestal to spend the rest of eternity being worshipped by other outcasts who had suffered at the same hands he had. he has something greatly in common with those who worship him, including the very people who stripped his mortality from him in the first place, but because of this shared hardship (and nothing else), his own autonomous personhood was disregarded completely in favor of The Community needing someone Just Like Them to idolize. if this sounds familiar, that’s because it should!!

his humanity was taken from him, and in his place, an idol was created. his human body is frozen in stone in the center of the void-- retired. out of commission. no longer needed. he was immortalized, transcended. this is traditionally desired, although dishonored is trying to convince you that it is not actually desirable. in the age of internet content creation, you can be immortalized without even being present, without knowing about it. you become what you can do for other people, and what you cannot. people fall in love with an idea of you, the idea of you being like them, and other people come to hate you deeply without even knowing you. people came to hate the outsider more deeply than he ever had been when he was human-- he wasn’t seen when he was human. a pedestal only helps you to be seen. the outsider had the choice made for him to achieve immortality in exchange for the simple joys of being un-known.

he spends all of doto trying to convey this idea to billie through the hollows:

"There is freedom in being hated. There is license in being cast out. Some learn this lesson a little too well."  "These people lay their thoughts, their petty wants, their murderous desires in front of me to witness. I cannot turn away." "We carry what was done to us through the rest of our endless days. No one asked if we wanted it." (i like this one. he speaks for the community-- this is a shared experience, one everyone can recognize. however, as a Queer Figure, he never asked for this. he never asked to be immortalized. i like the double meaning here)

not to mention, the entire extent of the outsider’s Sole ability and influence on the real world is to “choose” people and give them untold power over others. this is a fun ironic twist on what marginalized groups endure from powerful people, (dishonored is largely about power imbalances and socioeconomic hierarchies) but it’s also fun to think about in the context of the role model/fan framing-- so many worshippers give their lives to be “chosen” by him. it’s easily framed as an exaggeration of otherwise very real power imbalances and often the flagrant breaching of boundaries existing between creators and fans.

and on the subject of the VOID...ohht he void.....

the void should be a haven for queer folks. for nd folks. it’s wanted by so many to be a safe space, it should be, it’s the Other World! it’s renounced by the abbey, crusaded against, even. but it isn’t. it’s just this limitless, eons-old horizon that hungers and starves for something to fill it. if the outsider is the lament of queer idolatry, the void is the lament of queer Hunger. it is roaming, and restless. it does not belong to the outsider; the outsider cannot survive without it. it’s the desire to belong, not a place of belonging.

the void craves this idol, this outsider-- i, for one, have often experienced hunger for a truly moral and just role model, someone to make the world Right, and i know this is another shared feeling. those who worship the outsider, who drive themselves mad trying to see him or be chosen by him, are suffering from this idol hunger. you see this in a lot of queer and nd kids and young adults. i grew up just having my life and interests like, punctuated by different fixations on different people that i didn’t know at all, only fell in love with the idea of. it happens a lot.

there’s a couple more doto quotes that really highlight this for me:

"They carve my mark into the old bones bleached by the sun. They carve my mark into their skin. They learn true hunger in the Void." "All these charms, these runes and fetid offerings on shrines made for me, will be nothing more than objects worn of meaning. Bones and dead things, thrown into the dirt."

“They learn true hunger in the Void.” is something that i wanna touch on real quick. people can spend their lives obsessing over the idea of what they think the void will cure for them, will fix in their lives, only to find out that it’s just a hollow manifestation of the emptiness they’ve felt all their lives. it’s not the needs met, but the need itself. you have to make the home, it doesn’t already exist and you can’t fucking run to it. it is heartbreaking, frustrating, one of the bleakest messages i’ve ever encountered in a game, but i’ve never felt more seen. by submitting to these ideas, the idea of a perfect unhuman human and the idea of a perfect otherworldly home, you are surrendering your humanity. you’re not only being transformed by the powers gained (if they are gained), you’re essentially dissolving with hunger after never having these needs met. you see so many people in these games whittling themselves down to nothing but base need. empty apartments occupied only by shrines, sometimes containing their corpses. journals of people dedicating their lives to the worship of the outsider, always ending darkly.  "I will find this empty place. Somehow the key to open the Void will fall into my hands. In time, I will learn the secret and he will call to me as he called to her."

not to mention The New Envisioned-- prolonged exposure to the void will always, without fail, turn a human into silver void stone. these creatures can no longer interact with or acknowledge the mortal world. they have surrendered themselves to hunger, and cannot be saved. this is celebrated by the cult, honored by them, even. i honestly like....i pity them, and i hate them, and i recognize that i’ve been those people, lmao. when i was at my worst as a teenager, i wasnt so much a person as i was just a shell full of hunger and heartbreak. my personality was defined by who i was a fan of. i think i definitely was Less Human then. the cult of the outsider is a universal experience!!

dishonored, at its core, is a celebration of humanity. it asks you to celebrate human emotion and weakness despite greed and bigotry. the powers are not to be wanted, they are to be ignored, refused. it is human to hunger, but it is Queer and Divergent to make hunger your life’s meaning, to need to learn the secret, find the key, be chosen and loved and cherished, to be made whole by some perfect thing. to find your humanity in something un-human. dishonored sees all that, mourns it with you, and then asks you to find humanity in each other !! love the spine of your lover, the blood draining down the docks, the pause to stretch languidly in the sun of a work day.

and finally...on the topic of outsider shipping....i dont think that, in his god form, it does him much justice to be shipped with anyone. he’s not much of a person, just a projection of his former self and a vehicle for his allegory as discussed-- im sure he could be shipped like this, but it just isn’t satisfying to me in any way. however, let’s talk a bit about his lethal and nonlethal ending. DOTO asks you to make a choice. is it better to give him an abrupt and merciful ending, after deciding that the fury he’s endured at the hands of others’ famine is too much trauma for any mortal to live with? or will you decide that it’s only fair to give him a chance to live the life he never got to, to return his humanity that was taken without his consent? if you choose to free him from the void, i think you can very very easily make the argument that he can be shipped with corvo, or anyone else that can easily be shipped w/ ppl. he’s finally free to live his life as a queer man, can explore the simple and complex joys of being human with other people, navigate the hills and valleys he never got to before. corvo’s just a nice pick bc 1) experienced human/inexperienced human is good, 2) they know each other, but they don’t. this is a good setup. 3) corvo is an older queer man and uhh you cant convince me otherwise lol! and older queer/younger queer is a self indulgence for me. also corvo is just nice. i think he would enjoy helping the outsider navigate his new humanity.

just some thoughts i have running through my head all hours of the day :) this is really long cuz its a combination of a lot of infodumps from discord lmfao

[lavenderandlaurel]

finished my reread of a little life this afternoon. it remains an objectively depressing angstfest, but I still find it hopeful, ultimately, and comforting in spite of the bleak ending. (CW: discussion of suicide under the cut)

lots of people reviewing the book have already talked about the found family thread, and it certainly is one of my top relationship models in fiction. not just the adoption and the core friend group (although those hit so good), but the mundane, everyday details of the relationship jude and willem build over 800 pages. my roommate and I describe ourselves as "significant roommates," and that's what this is: the person you live together with both physically and in terms of planning for the future, who knows you best, who you share the logistical details of life with, and may or may not be physically intimate with. some of my favorite moments between willem and jude are the conversations they have about things that matter but are unrelated to the plot: food, art, work, whatever the third thing is. as a touch-averse person straddling the lines of aromanticism, asexuality, and other queer relationships, this fictional example means a lot to me, especially in its scenes of normalcy.

even more important to me, though, is the recurring theme - from the title to a dozen quotes I could pull - that life matters, that your individual life matters, including a disabled, suicidal life. even a little life (little as in short, as in constrained, as in a life with limits) is a life. jude's life is meaningful and his presence valued even when he is actively suicidal; his eventual suicide does not negate any part of his life's worth. jude's death is not a failure on his part or anyone else's. it's a success, though a deeply tragic one, that despite everything, he lived, and lived, and felt joy, and brought joy to others. this book is maybe the only thing that has ever convinced me of that: every moment alive is a victory, no matter what the ending is.

that's the other thing about this book: the comfort is earned. the romance, the found family, the success, the small pleasures - they don't try to paper over jude's past, and they don't undo it either. the reason a little life is so satisfying (and the reason why good hurt/comfort in fanfiction does so much for me) is because it offers relief, not solutions. because jude is fictional and his traumas are so exaggerated,* I, the reader, don't want his problems to be resolved with a quick fix. that would invalidate my own hurts and fears, which similar to jude's despite having less dramatic roots.

lastly. the recurring motif of autonomy, especially as it is distinct from independence. a little life reinforces over and over that no one is independent. jude is especially reliant on others as a disabled person. his autonomy, though, is not contradictory to that. jude's body, his apartment, his career, and his life are very much his, and when those are violated the narrative takes it seriously. there are limits to this autonomy (as with his first suicide attempt), but overall it's clear that jude's agency and digtnity are incredibly important to him, and the people who care about him are marked by their respect of that. the descriptions of greene street make me cry. it's such a powerful symbol of adulthood and the freedoms that come with it (whether or not you suffered abuse), the pride in building a life for yourself, the security of having a space of your own. there's a moment where jude recognizes malcolm's model buildings as exercises in exerting control, and that need is fundamental to people, I think - having some corner of the universe where your impact is tangible and meaningful.

as melodramatic as it is, a little life is sheer affirmation for me. life matters, even when you're depressed and exhausted and in pain. do what you need to do. build the places and the relationships you need to support you. the pain you're in is real, but there will be relief. and when there's no relief, you're not alone. you impact the world even when you don't see it.

willem says all he needs is, "work I enjoy, and a place to live, and someone who loves me." maybe maslow was on to something, but I really think there's something to this. when things are bad, I try to find those three things: 1. my effect on the world, no matter how small, 2. the place I'm secure in every sense, and 3. the people I'm connected to. really, that's become core to me. I need these things, and everyone else deserves them too.

*not that real people don't experience the things that jude does. but I think yanagihara's intent here is to offer a particular intensity of suffering that the reader can map their own personal tragedies onto. jude's past is horrific in specific ways, but his fears are horrors that many queer, mentally ill, traumatized, and/or disabled people face, whether or not their experiences are comparable to jude's.

[catgrassplantdad]

Hi Jessie 🥰

2, 9, 21, 29 💘

2. Jealous!Ian or Jealous!Mickey? Jealousy isn't my favorite thing, so it's really hard to say. Can I say both but also neither? Like sometimes it's great, there are a few jealousy fics that are stupid hot that I'm a huge fan of, but I don't love jealousy in general. I did like Mickey being jealous of Ned though. That was interesting to watch because he was still figuring out his feelings and expressing himself and it was such a turning point for their relationship because his jealousy made him take these important steps forward. So maybe I'd say jealous Mickey for canon-related reasons. But I don't love jealous husbands. Except for notable exceptions in some fics, for horny reasons. I guess I love making arguments for horny reasons, sorry everybody!

9. Calling each other by their real names or by nicknames? Ooooh this one is interesting because I love them calling each other by nicknames, but Mickey calling Ian by his first name also feels special because he started out by calling him Gallagher. And while sometimes last names are super cute too (my partner has been calling me by my last name for years, and now when they call me by my first name I always assume something terrible has happened lol), Mickey specifically calling him Ian felt like a big deal to me. But I also love stud, that one made me very happy. And playful shit like sugartits also brings me a lot of joy. I'm also one of those people who's very into Ian calling Mickey baby. I love that shit. Give me endless fics of Ian calling Mickey baby in every conceivable context please and thank you. I also have this headcanon that once they become parents Mickey takes to calling Ian "papa bear" in a casual, almost joking way in the same way we see him call him sugartits.

21. Ian "Don't you mean guest womb?" Gallagher or Ian "Play what cool?" Gallagher? The first one, easily. It was just so weird and funny and dorky and I loved it. He was clearly ready to be a dad, coming in with dumb puns and dad jokes like that.

29. Deleted sex scene and dream vision scene (5x01) or deleted bathroom scene (10x06)? Oh god okay so. The bathroom scene is so great, I love Ian tending to Mickey's wounds and cradling his hand while he cleans him up, and I love picturing the sock puppet shit because it's totally weird and very funny. I also love Ian being rough with Mickey when he calls him a pussy, I thought that was pretty funny. But jesus christ dude, that sex/vision scene was so weird and such an interesting insight into Ian's state of mind, it is criminal that they didn't keep that in the episode. I fucking love it. First, you guys know how I feel about depictions of queer intimacy on television. Shameless isn't perfect obviously, but it does some things right with Ian and Mickey compared to a lot of other media with queer characters and it's pretty refreshing. But even so, for the most part their sex life doesn't get the same treatment as other characters. I feel like that reason alone should've been enough for them to keep that scene in. It's such soft intimacy and I feel like they deserved to be shown in that light. Second, like I said, I think the vision offers viewers really important insight into Ian's state of mind at the time and perhaps why his break included taking Yevgeny. He had this vision for what he wanted in life, this little family with him and his partner and this baby that he saw as theirs, as his, and it's surreal in how idyllic it is. And that surreal quality to his vision gives you a glimpse into his mental state. Obviously we all fantasize and daydream and shit and it's often super unrealistic but insignificant and meaningless, so you could argue that it's just a fantasy, who cares. But that's storytelling, right? Why show something so totally weird if it's not important? Also, the way that it doesn't feel like a dream feels important to me. If it was a dream it would be one thing. We all have weird fucking dreams. But it feels like a vision, maybe even a hallucination?? and I feel like that in and of itself is significant. And he connects it to intimacy: it happens right after being with his person. This is an intimate thing for him, it's private and important and connected to his love for his person. And even just the logistics of filming that scene, it seems like such a waste to not keep it in. Oh well. They should've kept it, it was fucking important. As far as deleted scenes go, this one is tied for number one with 11x04 for me for "why the fuck would they delete something so goddamn important to their relationship and story." It's a great scene, the soft intimacy is important and the vision is totally weird and makes me super uncomfortable and I fucking love it and I hate that it's not in the episode.

[astrarche-x]

I read “Fangirl” by Rainbow Rowell after I finished 2 books I got for Christmas. It was staring at me from my sister’s shelf and I’ve heard something good about this book, Rowell is also quite famous YA author, so I decided to give it a try. 

It certainly didn’t match my expectations; in fact, my disappointment grew with every page and I grew tired of the heroine, Cath - an introverted first year college student and fanfic writer-  and other characters.

Why so?

- At first, I thought that snippets of Cath’s fanfics are a cool addition to the book, because it’s such a crucial part of this character, and I also thought that they will be somehow related to the events happening in-universe. But they weren’t! They didn’t help me as a reader to understand Cath, didn’t expand my understanding of the events of the plot, didn’t really give me any “story within a story” because they were so fragmented (I know there is a whole book about Simon Snow, but that’s not relevant now, is it?) and I already felt like I knew Cath’s writing style after like 3 examples, so idk why there were so many.

- I felt like the characters don’t develop at all. And what’s the point of the story if it’s not character development? In the end of the book, the only thing different from the starting point is the fact that the heroine has a boyfriend. She isn’t more open, she’s still talking to like 2-3 people (and writing is not like a movie, adding a character doesn’t cost you money, right?) and it’s not like those relationships change a lot. Cath and her roommate Reagan? They form a bond in the middle part of the book and it stays the same. Wren, Cath’s twin sister? They lose contact during the plot and Wren has a new friend to prove she’s a separate person, but eventually they make amends and sisters are together again. The other friend disappears. No big talk about being separate people but still needing each other, no reflecting on that in any way; they make amends and then Wren is just there, spending a lot of time with Cath like her own life never happened. Relationship with dad and mum? Stays the same, even though they were written in a way that suggests big plot points.

- Levi, Cath’s boyfriend. He doesn’t have an inner life. He’s just a smiling, nice guy with learning difficulties. But Cath can always feel safe with him and count on him; honestly, how is he different from her ex? Also some can say that Cath and Levi were cute tohether and they kind of were, but for me it was too much sugar and when their relationship became the focal point of the plot I couldn’t take it anymore. How many times a writer can describe the same physical features with exactly the same words? Like yeah, we get it, the character is in love, change the subject.

(Also his attempts at unneccessary chivalry... ugh. Not cute).

- Nick from the library. He was actually the guy I was shipping Cath with (and myself as well, if I had the chance). They had so much chemistry! But it was also strongly hinted at that he won’t be the endgame; in fact, I don’t really see the point of his existence as a character. He’s Cath’s crush, but after he stops playing this role, he’s mentioned only twice and then dropped completely. But the point of him being the crush and the writing buddy/rival is not even relevant! It’s not reflected in Cath in any way except that she’s a bit sad.

- Cath doesn’t develop as a writer. Actually, after reading a few sentences about how writing is so important for Cath etc, I thought that I would see more of her as a writer, but mostly it looks like “...and she wrote 5000 words that night”. No description of creative process. Talk about how her life influences her writing: 2 times (at the end of the book). Pressure from readers who? I don’t know her. Also I was really surprised that she said “I only ever want to write fanfiction, I want nothing of my own!” - like... who would say that? Sure, they are people who just write fanfiction as a hobby, but there are others who start with fanfic and then create their own stories, so if Cath is an established fanfic writer and went on to study English lit and take creative writing class, then having her say something like this sounds super fake. 

- Cath herself was a boring protagonist. And I’m not saying this because she was an introvert. Lots of introverts make interesting protagonists; take, for example, Offred from The Handmaid’s tale. Cath is boring not only because she literally sits in her room and cries for like half of the book (giving me Rodion Raskolnikov vibes and he annoyed me like hell), but also because so little of her inner life is described in detail. Like, c’mon, I’ve opened this book, I want to know what’s going on in her head. But instead of paragraphs of her thoughts, we are only given a sentence, maybe two or three. And one of them sounds often like “she thought about all the reasons she had to dislike their mother” but then none of said reasons is listed, making this sentence effectively worthless. Very often Cath’s remarks about other people are repeated; I don’t even want to count how many times she noticed that Levi smiled a lot. And then she noticed noticing it; and then she noticed him smiling even more times. Seriously that’s his only feature? (That and his hair). Because this makes the heroine very unobservant; I don’t want to look at the world through her eyes, because it’s nothing there to see. 

- Cath as a (titular) fangirl: she doesn’t really interact with the fandom during the course of the actions in other way than writing and that’s... unusual? Who limits themselves to only one form of fan content? I know she had merch and fanart, but she doesn’t interact with other fans (except for her sister and a random stranger). She also mentions having internet friends at the very beginning, which I assume would be very likely for a fanfic author of her status. Then her roommate says “internet friends are not real” (yes. literally.) and Cath’s internet friends are not mentioned again, because, you know, internet friends are irrelevant to your real life. Generally this book makes it look like belonging to a fandom was about the merch you own and maybe writing your fanfic, if that’s what you use as a coping mechanism for real life. No talk of reading other fanfics, visiting sites like Tumblr or other blogs, no interaction with other fans, no conventions, stuff like this. It made fandom look like something for sad and lonely people, and while it kind of is, it’s also a source of joy and satisfacton for many; in Cath’s case, I only saw it as a straw to which a drowning man clutches. 

(Also I found it kinda weird that sex in this book is like Schrodinger’s cat: existent and nonexistent at the same time. Does Cath write erotic scenes? I guess. Is it adressed? Yes. And then immediately dismissed in order not to talk about it. She also wants it and doesn’t want it at the same time, which is fine irl, but confusing in a book, especially when she doesn’t reflect at that confusion much). 

I thought I will see in Cath a glimpse of myself - first year of uni was also stressful for me (even though I’m certainly not an internet-famous writer). But she was almost extremely unrelatable. And then I started comparing “Fangirl”  with “Loveless” by Alice Oseman, which has very similar setting - first year, loneliness, outgoing roommate, introverted protagonist having trouble opening up, breaking of a sisterly bond, fanfiction (even though Georgia, the protagonist, only reads it). I’d recommend “Loveless” a lot more. You won’t get much talk of the writing process, but hey, you weren’t getting it anyway. You will be given queer characters instead.

My final thought was that I’m probably just too old for “Fangirl”. That it was written for 17-year-olds who are anxious about going to college. But my sister is 17-year-old who is anxious about going to university and she didn’t like this book either (this post is brought to you by our displeased brainstorming last night), so it’s probably just bad, shallow writing.