#insert jenny slate meme

[lavenderandlaurel]

finished my reread of a little life this afternoon. it remains an objectively depressing angstfest, but I still find it hopeful, ultimately, and comforting in spite of the bleak ending. (CW: discussion of suicide under the cut)

lots of people reviewing the book have already talked about the found family thread, and it certainly is one of my top relationship models in fiction. not just the adoption and the core friend group (although those hit so good), but the mundane, everyday details of the relationship jude and willem build over 800 pages. my roommate and I describe ourselves as "significant roommates," and that's what this is: the person you live together with both physically and in terms of planning for the future, who knows you best, who you share the logistical details of life with, and may or may not be physically intimate with. some of my favorite moments between willem and jude are the conversations they have about things that matter but are unrelated to the plot: food, art, work, whatever the third thing is. as a touch-averse person straddling the lines of aromanticism, asexuality, and other queer relationships, this fictional example means a lot to me, especially in its scenes of normalcy.

even more important to me, though, is the recurring theme - from the title to a dozen quotes I could pull - that life matters, that your individual life matters, including a disabled, suicidal life. even a little life (little as in short, as in constrained, as in a life with limits) is a life. jude's life is meaningful and his presence valued even when he is actively suicidal; his eventual suicide does not negate any part of his life's worth. jude's death is not a failure on his part or anyone else's. it's a success, though a deeply tragic one, that despite everything, he lived, and lived, and felt joy, and brought joy to others. this book is maybe the only thing that has ever convinced me of that: every moment alive is a victory, no matter what the ending is.

that's the other thing about this book: the comfort is earned. the romance, the found family, the success, the small pleasures - they don't try to paper over jude's past, and they don't undo it either. the reason a little life is so satisfying (and the reason why good hurt/comfort in fanfiction does so much for me) is because it offers relief, not solutions. because jude is fictional and his traumas are so exaggerated,* I, the reader, don't want his problems to be resolved with a quick fix. that would invalidate my own hurts and fears, which similar to jude's despite having less dramatic roots.

lastly. the recurring motif of autonomy, especially as it is distinct from independence. a little life reinforces over and over that no one is independent. jude is especially reliant on others as a disabled person. his autonomy, though, is not contradictory to that. jude's body, his apartment, his career, and his life are very much his, and when those are violated the narrative takes it seriously. there are limits to this autonomy (as with his first suicide attempt), but overall it's clear that jude's agency and digtnity are incredibly important to him, and the people who care about him are marked by their respect of that. the descriptions of greene street make me cry. it's such a powerful symbol of adulthood and the freedoms that come with it (whether or not you suffered abuse), the pride in building a life for yourself, the security of having a space of your own. there's a moment where jude recognizes malcolm's model buildings as exercises in exerting control, and that need is fundamental to people, I think - having some corner of the universe where your impact is tangible and meaningful.

as melodramatic as it is, a little life is sheer affirmation for me. life matters, even when you're depressed and exhausted and in pain. do what you need to do. build the places and the relationships you need to support you. the pain you're in is real, but there will be relief. and when there's no relief, you're not alone. you impact the world even when you don't see it.

willem says all he needs is, "work I enjoy, and a place to live, and someone who loves me." maybe maslow was on to something, but I really think there's something to this. when things are bad, I try to find those three things: 1. my effect on the world, no matter how small, 2. the place I'm secure in every sense, and 3. the people I'm connected to. really, that's become core to me. I need these things, and everyone else deserves them too.

*not that real people don't experience the things that jude does. but I think yanagihara's intent here is to offer a particular intensity of suffering that the reader can map their own personal tragedies onto. jude's past is horrific in specific ways, but his fears are horrors that many queer, mentally ill, traumatized, and/or disabled people face, whether or not their experiences are comparable to jude's.

[lavenderycul]

every time i watch fleabag it’s just as good!! like the ending scene is so beautiful and painful bc priest says “it’ll pass” and fleabag knows it’s him saying i love you, but it’s not until he actually says it as he goes that it solidifies that he’s really leaving, the person she’s finally loved and who’s love she wanted ahhhhg

[godseyeaemond]

the way the most beautiful pieces of fiction that i read this year that covered the topics of grief, love, loss and grieving the life you couldn’t live have been steddie fan fics

[fenrhi]

[voyniches]

listening to sufjan stevens makes me feel insane like ‘did you cut your hands on me? are my edges sharp? am i a pest to feed?’ you can’t just SAY that

[benoitblanc]

tumblr user tinanewt is missing jilliam on this fine thursday

[thirteenthdyke]

mr eccleston’s acting’s in doctor who season one episode six “dalek”.......impeccable

[jennifersbod]

1 episode left but i can’t handle myself properly so i’m saving it

[annawithrainbows]

Sometimes cats don’t seem real to me

Like… that creature is so cute and weird and stupid and dignified at the same time all the time is it real??

Am I not just looking at some neopets creation??

Dogs are real. I look at a dog and it for the most part makes sense. That’s a dog. That’s the doggiest dog I’ve ever seen.

When I look at a cat it’s like ??????????? In my head every time and a medium sized emotional tornado happens

[harrysenthusiast]

Currently losing my mind while rewatching Fleabag

[tediousdelusion]

i can't think about the scene where silver confronts the cook in S4 too much or else i will lose my mind. (insert jenny slate meme here) it's one of those scenes that i don't see discussed as much, possibly bc i'm just missing it, but it has absolutely killed me since the first time.

because that's him - that's silver in S1E1. and we are supposed to look at this scared man standing next to a pirate king and think about how far silver's come... and i do. but i also can't help but think about how he hasn't changed at all. bc yes. he may have power now. and influence and a legend. but when it comes down to it - when it's just him and flint and the gold - he's still a coward! what he wants has changed but how he gets it hasnt.

silver starts the story as a scared, cowardly man looking for a way out and that's how he ends it.

for someone who proud of his ability to adapt, he damns himself with his inability to change

[strinak]

realizing how much I restrict my media consumption for emotional regulation reasons Changed Me

oh I love that show, no I don't want to watch the new episodes *insert Jenny slate meme*

[pig-wings]

(Nightwing 2016 #41)

rereading The Untouchable because I'm having One of Those Nights™ and I feel like I could do something with the "the sea sent him back!!" stuff 🤔

[ganseyboii]

i LOVE the long way down job so much for what it does for characters relationships!! parker and eliot in the cave make me lose my mind!! parker’s struggle with wanting to be good and eliot’s pain in seeing that in her because it mirrors what he feels about himself!! hardison’s being unsure how his relationship with parker is defined but being fine with how she chooses to work it because he knows she cares about him, she just needs to find it in herself how to present it!! eliot giving hardison a hug before he goes up the mountain!! ack!! insert that jenny slate meme about screaming because that’s what this episode does to me!!

[sigridkaffen]

Even if I didn't die outright, Lord knows I'd never get anything done.

i may often think i don’t read enough things that wipe the floor with my poor heart, but i’ve just realized that if ‘Loosely Ballroom’ was updated weekly, not biweekly, i could quite easily end up with a cardiac arrest on some saturday evening at the age of 31.