#ME FEELING EMOTIONAL ABOUT THE RAT BASTARD MORE AT 10 | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

titisorriso · 2 years ago

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Chapter 10/ Savage Seas (Wild Skies AU)

Quick steps that were a bit too clumsy, constantly looking around corners to find some sign of life. For a headquarters, this place was scarily empty. Hiccup made an educated guess that he was in the center of the island, the steel and stone that surrounded everything making him feel smaller the more he explored. He tried to listen for anything other than his breath, only being met by the distant clanking of metal and machinery coming from the walls.

Krogan disappeared way too quickly, there had to be some secret door, some mysterious opening wall or cryptic puzzle that reveals an entrance, but the rider was having no luck. His current leg situation also didn't help. He tried to find some sort of crutch or replacement, but was angered to find nothing but rats and abandoned sheets of paper in languages he didn't understand.

He almost fell forward, his fingers burning as they scratched against the rough stone of the walls to find a grip. He wondered if Toothless was doing any better than him, if maybe he was safe in a cell, far away from trouble or any sort of danger.

Hiccup hopped towards a tall "window", the hole on the wall littered with thick bars of metal stopping anything from getting in or out. He saw the steel city, the tall pointed buildings who threatened any winged creature to fly above them. His suspicions were proven correct, on the barren streets of the huge city, he spotted hunters carrying uncut Razorwhips scales, the blood on its edges showing they had been freshly harvested.

- Bastards...

His voice was low, raspy. His knuckles turned white as his fists clenched around the bars. This was way too programed, too methodical to have been a coincidence. The city was large, well-built, it hadn't spawned in the span of days, it had been here for a long time.

Hiccup remembered Johann's words. He planned this for a long time, the rider wondered how long.

He backed away, looking around to find he was still isolated in a random, abandoned hallway. His rashes were itching, hurting more than he thought they would.

- I hope your scales are having an easier time with this acid, buddy.

Keeping his pace, he went deeper into the castle. Until finally, clunks and booming laughter echoed from the far end of the hall. He jumped towards a dark corner, his eyes darting around the space, the realization that his camouflaged armor was ruined with holes and stains made his confidence falter.

Footsteps became loud and creeped closer; he could feel sweat pooling on his forehead as he tried to merge with the wall.

Astrid resented her own inattentiveness. Stormfly seemed unwilling to attack the woman, and that just made the situation even clearer.

- Heather? - Astrid observed the markings on her face and symbol on her belt- You're a rider from Berserker Island.

The woman smiled, cocky.

- I'm impressed. Did Hiccup speak of me during your time together? Or are you just that good at connecting the dots?

Hiccup? What did he have to do with anything?

- What do you know about us?! Who are you to him?!

That sounded way more emotional and less tactical than she intended. The rider laughed.

- Relax, blondie. He's just a friend. Almost a brother really.

To that, Astrid felt a sting in her heart, remembering all the times Hiccup said he never found family in Berk; she quickly shook those thoughts away. She widened her stance, making sure the woman would know that the new information didn't really ease her mind.

- Why are you here? If you're looking for Hiccup--

She was interrupted, a grave tone on the rider's voice. An aggressiveness that was not necessarily directed towards Astrid.

- I know where Hiccup is. What i'm looking for is... Backup. To be honest, i was reluctant to even come here, but after seeing... Her...

And she pointed to Stormfly.

- ... Let's just say i'm more willing to trust you now.

Astrid prided herself in the ability to prioritize. She considered it to be a good commander's greatest ability. To recognize when something was a threat or an opportunity. She put her axe on her back, Stormfly clicking in joy; Heather's whole body relaxed.

- What happened to Hiccup that is so urgent you need help from a dragon hunter?

She wouldn't consider herself a hunter anymore, but something about Heather just made her want to be hostile. Maybe it was still some leftover prejudice and hurt towards the fact she was a dragon rider, maybe it was the fact she knew Hiccup was in danger while Astrid had no clue. She couldn't stand the thought of everyone knowing how Hiccup is doing except her. It felt... Rage-inducing.

- He was captured by one of your allies. Johann.

- Johann is no ally of ours. We turned him away.

- That's even worse.

Heather pulled some loose pieces of parchment from her bag, showing them to the valkyrie with caution.

- That confirms that what i found is a war machine to be used against the arquipelago, and believe me, it's a war machine you don't want to mess with.

Astrid grabbed them, studying the projects diligently. Stormfly stared at it over her shoulder as if she too could read the drawings and scribbles.

- ... This is... Madness.

- It is, but i stopped doubting what the people outside the arquipelago are capable of a long time ago.

The papers described spouts of fire; long cylinder shapes hollowed out that could shoot small flasks of energy. That energy was bottled dragon's breaths. It described the beneficial utilities of such tools, how they could be used for protection and restraining of dangerous individuals and enemies.

Astrid kept looking through the pages, they had plans ready for Deadly Nadders, Death Songs, Flightmares and the last one...

It bared a huge symbol that read out "unfinished", but right under it, in perfect runic, was written "Night Fury". Astrid's face shot up.

- ... And you had doubts that this was a war machine?

She mocked. Heather clicked her tongue, annoyed.

- Unlike you, hunter, i like to remain optimistic about people's intentions.

- Clearly. It's what got your dumb friend captured though, so i'd exercise caution with that "optimism".

She gave the documents back. Hesitant to ask the next question, her voice was barely a whisper.

- What... What do you expect me to do? I'm basically grounded, you know? The chief is tired of my dumb decisions, my friends think i've turned into a dragon lover, and the village is getting ready for war as we speak.

Heather mounted her dragon slowly, as if demonstrating how it is done.

- Well, all of that doesn't matter because i need to rescue my stupid friend and you're coming with me.

Astrid scoffed:

- Oh, really? And what--

She was interrupted.

- Astrid Hofferson, consider yourself officially kidnapped. Get on top of your dragon and come quietly. Or else i'll... Eat your ears or something.

Astrid caught on to the girl trying to give her an out. She laughed, ready to brush it off, to ignore it and demand something more solid, a location, some more information about what they were going to face. Then, she felt it.

She felt like a door had been opened, the dark unending hallway that her life had become suddenly branched into an open window. She looked at Heather, a smile played at her lips, it dawned on her what was being offered.

Freedom.

Like all those years ago. Like when Hiccup ran away to never be found again. To live the rest of his days as the Night Stutter. This was the leap that needed to be taken just once, a call to adventure and things she had only dreamed of, all of it beckoning to her like mysterious music hidden in the forest. Her heart thumped in her chest as she turned to Stormfly. They could be freed together, after all, Stormfly wasn't planning on going anywhere without her and she had made that very clear.

She swallowed the knot in her throat. Astrid was responsible, she had family in Berk, she had friends and duties and missions. Her fate was here, every single thread of it led back here; but for some reason, she had a feeling, a voice in the back of her mind saying that so did Hiccup's.

Determination flowed like a river through her soul. She wondered if this was what these riders felt every day. Everyday making the choice to lift off the ground, leave things behind, abandon all logic that called them to stay walking and simply fly.

The valkyrie turned to the rider.

- I will go. We will rescue Hiccup and Toothless, but then, when we guarantee he's safe, he comes back here, understood? He will come back to Berk.

She felt hesitant to add the last part, but staring deep into Heather's eyes, she just said it. Like it needed to be heard, to be said out loud for the spirits and gods to hear. Soaring in the air like a promise.

- He will come back home.

Heather seemed angry, but also mournful. Emotions Astrid tried to understand but couldn't. Not without knowing their whole history.

- So be it... Maybe then... Maybe then he'll be safe.

- Then let's go.

The guard was coming. He leaned further back into the wall, feeling the shadows not accepting him as he failed to be concealed. This was it; this was how Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third would die. It was better than he imagined if he was being honest with himself. "Died trying to escape the enemy's steel fortress with nothing but his determination" is better than "was crushed by a Night Fury's ass while sleeping".

He palmed the walls, wishing for the rashes and wounds to reveal chameleon abilities of some sort, but having no luck. Suddenly, he pushed a rock too hard and felt it move.

The wall quickly opened and closed when he fell inside the secret hallway. The darkness made his eyes practically useless as he tried to feel around for things. He stilled when the footsteps reached the spot he was before. Muffled voices came through the wall:

- See? I told you. You're imagining things, idiot.

A click of a tongue.

- Whatever. Let's go check on the prisoner already. I've been dying to see what a viking looks like when scared.

Laughter that slowly went away. Hiccup let out a strangled breath of relief.

His eyes slowly adapted. Everything was still hard to see, it was like having a thin layer of falling sand in front of your eyes. The tunnel was ragged, the stones uncut and ancient; no cobwebs or any sort of creepy crawly seemed keen on existing here. Only dust and odd indiscernible drawings on the walls beckoned him to move forward. He pondered if Johann even knew this place existed. He hopped further into the tunnel, the claustrophobic walls giving him plenty of leaning spots when he felt his leg tire.

He tried to focus on some of the paintings. They were ancient, but still somewhat secular, and the depictions on them were clearly dragons. None of them were species Hiccup recognized, no defining traits or characteristics that could draw his eye, just shadowy figures of dread and fire.

Hiccup tripped. A burst of dust making him cough and burning his wounds. He needed to keep going, he needed to find Toothless. After all, it was as Krogan said: No one was coming to save him.

Astrid yelled as she grasped Stormfly's neck tight. The dragon was hard to control. Heather had given her one of Hiccup's spare capes, so that if someone saw them flying away from Berk, they would think Astrid was the Stutter, and the warrior couldn't help but wonder how he used it without having it slap against his face constantly.

At first, she thought it would be a piece of cake. Watching Hiccup do this, it was almost as if the dragon simply knew what to do, you just needed to give that initial push and everything would fall into place, and of course, because of the bond Astrid felt with Stormfly, she imagined it would go the same way.

So, she was wrong. Stormfly had lost her ability to fly, her atrophied muscles flapping in unnatural ways as she always almost dove into the cold relentless sea. Heather was enjoying it, laughing and giggling like a child whenever Astrid yelped with a wind too strong hitting their face and the cape flapping forward to cover her eyes.

- Gods, this is golden. Really wish i could keep this moment for the future, when i teach new riders what not to do when mounting a dragon.

Astrid finally caught some balance, Stormfly making more of an effort to stay up.

- Haha. You're so funny. Are we almost there? I've never been to this side of the arquipelago before.

Heather pulled out a map, scribbled and with a familiar handwriting.

- Well, according to Hiccup's notes, he hasn't been to this side either. The last writing says "might be dangerous. Call Bayana to help.".

- Bayana?

- He's a friend. Don't worry about it, hunter.

Astrid scoffed. Annoyed, but unable to judge her too harshly for the aggressiveness. It's not like she was enjoying this either. Hiccup better prepare his ears for the lecture awaiting him when he's safe and sound.

- Alright, whatever. What's the plan?

She was met with silence. Stormfly struggled again and Astrid pulled her to fly closer to Windshear.

- Heather. What's the plan.

She sighed.

- You're the war woman. You tell me.

Astrid's frown was enough to shake some sense into most people, but for some reason, Heather simply smirked while staring at the befuddled warrior. Astrid's words came like razors.

- You want me to make up a plan on the spot to invade a place i've never seen while completely UNNARMED and facing a whole ARMY of DRAGON HUNTERS?!

The berserker laughed, amused. Astrid had been forced to leave her axe behind, Stormfly's muscles still a bit too weak to carry both her and the heavy metal, so whatever plan she scrapped together, she'd have no way of protecting herself if it backfired. She felt powerless, and Heather noticed.

- I mean, it's not like you have much option.

Astrid covered her face, laying against Stormfly's neck, frustrated, planning to stay like that until they reached the place. But then, Heather's voice reached her ears, a loud whisper of shock and bewilderment. The rider sounded terrified.

- By Odin's beard...

Astrid lifted her head immediately, Stormfly yelping in surprise at the sight.

Green waters. Green sky. No light could be seen. The smell of rot and acid made Heather gag. Astrid's brain made the connection instantly; this was the green ooze she and Hiccup found back in that cave. Her brow furrowed, stitches being re-stringed in her mind, as if connecting pieces of a tapestry.

- ... Heather, what's the story with Johann? What is his connection to the dragon hunters?

Heather still seemed shocked, stopping in the air and taking a while to answer the warrior.

- Oh... I... I don't know. There was... - She covered her mouth and nose, the stench getting to her - There was a man, named Drago. He... He had a Bewilderbeast and was an ally to some enemies of ours. We had a hard time, some people were lost, but we did end up defeating him. Maybe... Maybe Johann had something to do with him? I don't know, i... I can't think with this smell.

Astrid nodded. Motioning Stormfly to keep going without saying another word. Heather observed, curious of what went on in the valkyrie's head. The blonde didn't keep her in the dark.

- Do you know the Finns? The hunter-gatherers that lived in this land without voyaging?

- I know they exist further into the continent, out of the arquipelago. What about them?

Astrid spoke while observing the space. She studied the color of the water and clouds, looking for movement or signs of life.

- Before we were vikings, these people already existed, working the land and adapting to the weather. We might have occupied the arquipelago, but there are... Stories. They say the Sámi interacted with the dragons in more harmony than us, before something happened and they all disappeared from this place. There are stories about a ghost island, where these people used to live before they were wiped out by the dragons. Stories about that island being filled with secrets on how to control dragons, how to domesticate them as cattle, how to push them away from your home and how to lure them.

Heather covered her face with her cape as they kept going further in.

- Don't you think that if that were true, they wouldn't have been killed by them?

Astrid scoffed. Teasing the rider.

- I thought you were smarter than that. Stories are stories. Sometimes reality doesn't get retold properly because it isn't convenient. Maybe a viking tribe found them and killed them, maybe the dragons did kill them, or maybe they just moved away when the land stopped giving what they sought. The point is: If it is true that they have writings and studies on dragons far more detailed and advanced than ours, i wonder if Johann found it. He doesn't seem smart enough to create this on his own.

Heather smiled, staring at Astrid with certain admiration.

- For someone that "has never seen this island", you sure know a lot. I'm impressed.

Astrid wasn't expecting a compliment. That was not something she often got; many people were too afraid to even interact with the woman unless absolutely necessary. She felt her face burn and wondered if it were the toxic gas or just pure embarrassment. She tried taking the attention off herself.

- ... Well, if anyone is impressed, it's me. Can't imagine taming a Razorwhip was easy.

Heather smiled, scratching the dragon's head as she purred to the loving pet.

- Windshear and i have a lot of history. She saved my life many times, i can't imagine a world without her by my side.

Astrid felt the need to remind her of what these creatures could do, remind her about the danger and brutality that they had inherent to them, that these beings were nothing short of monsters and devils... But something about the way the rider talked made that need go away. She spoke of the razorwhip with such love that it felt wrong to deny their bond for the sake of ideologies she didn't even know if she still believed in. Astrid looked at Stormfly, the beast carried her in her back like it was the most natural thing in the world; with trust and stillness that Astrid had only seen between shield-siblings. Heather's voice broke her out of the contemplation.

- Did you name her, by the way? The Deadly Nadder that is.

Astrid blushed, pouting. She didn't want Heather to know that yes, she named the dragon, but it wasn't a conscious thing! It was out of necessity. It's not like she liked the dragon or anything.

- It's... It's Stormfly.

The rider smiled from ear to ear, lowering the fabric covering her mouth just to show Astrid how happy she was. She clearly interpreted Astrid naming the beast in the same way Hiccup would have, which is "You like dragons now! You understand!".

- That's a great name. - She looked at the creature - Do you like your name Stormfly?

The dragon did a happy screech, shaking itself in excitement.

They remained flying for a while, Astrid's eyes and body quickly adapting to the environment while Heather still had a hard time with it, occasionally coughing and covering her face to recover. Eventually, they found the Steel Island. The initial shock at the appearance of the place was immediately replaced with worry. Hiccup was in there somewhere, and there was no way to approach the fortified village. The clouds were toxic so they couldn't go from the top, the shore was filled with warships and guards, so they couldn't go too close to the ground either.

They observed an island a bit further after the fort, deciding to land amidst the trees for cover. Astrid was troubled, the place looked impenetrable, and they couldn't even surveil the area thanks to the thousand defenses on the space. This felt too difficult, like they had been here for years, training, preparing and building this place, but for what? It was hard to imagine Johann would just do all this to destroy the arquipelago. No, bigger things were at play, and not knowing made Astrid's heart uneasy.

- So... What's the plan, Hooligan?

- Be silent, you're distracting me.

Astrid answered immediately, a slight teasing tone to her voice. She grew serious, approaching the edge of the cliff they landed nearby. She looked for some sort of sewer system, these types of islands normally had tunnels and tunnels extending all throughout the underground of the place. Stormfly loafed near her, as if also keenly observing the village.

Heather sat beside the warrior, her legs dangling from the cliff.

- ... How was Hiccup like back in Berk?

The question caught the valkyrie off-guard. Astrid snapped to look at the woman, who stared back with curious eyes.

- What... What do you mean?

- It's just... He never talks about it, you know? And i always assumed it was because you guys sucked or treated him like shit, but...

Heather looked mournfully towards the island.

- ... I've never seen him happier than when he started your cat and mouse chase. He always cared very little about himself, going so far as to almost starving to death sometimes because of how focused he would be on saving dragons. He always looked more like the dragons than us humans, in fact, when i first met him, he was borderline feral. It took him so long to open up, and even then, he would leave as quickly as possible just to avoid interaction. Then your ship wreck happened...

She got up, turning to look at Astrid eye to eye. There was a certain heaviness in the air, as if Heather blamed Astrid for something she had no knowledge of.

- I just want you to know that he... He likes you. Like, really likes you, and i know that to you he's the enemy, but Hiccup is a good person. His selfishness, his awkwardness, all of that is the result of growing up without people in his life. He's not mean on purpose.

Astrid scoffed.

- Ah, are you here to excuse his actions?

- No, i'm here to tell you he wouldn't have left someone just because they were mean and bullied him. He left Berk, but it wasn't to get back at you all. In his head, that was the only way to keep both things he loved safe. He saw no way of making you two get along, so he got you both out of each other's path. If that is cowardice to you, so be it, just... Don't blame him for not knowing how to--

Astrid turned away, interrupting the woman.

- I see a way in. Windshear can float, right? Her metal scales are resistant to the acid, we might have to use her as a raft.

There was a moment of silence. Astrid didn't want to hear this. She didn't want to hear about how Hiccup was doing the right thing. She didn't want more reasons to blame herself for the things she did. That was the real issue. Hiccup could have stayed, taught her how to love these creatures, and so many of them would have been spared. So many dragons that she killed and tortured could be taken off her conscience. She didn't need Heather making it clear that she was a monster.

Heather frowned, but resigned.

- ... Alright. Is that the whole plan?

- Windshear will not enter with us. The moment we get close to the tunnel, she will serve as a distraction and drive at least some of the sailors away from the entrance. When we go inside, we save Toothless first, he needs to be ready for a quick escape for when we find Hiccup.

- You're forgetting we don't know where either of them is.

- Well, lucky for you, i'm a tracker. I'll find Toothless no matter where they put him.

Astrid got up, approaching an already shaking off the dust Stormfly. She touched her forehead to the dragon's horn.

- ... i'll be back in a couple hours, okay? Just... Wait for me.

They hugged Windshear's neck, huddling close to her scales, trying to avoid touching the acidic liquid that coated the ocean. Windshear slithered like a snake through the somewhat calm waters. Heather and Astrid pulled their hoods up, trying to hide from the sudden sunlight that would sneak its way from behind the heavy clouds. Windshear seemed unbothered by the concoction. Heather whispered to the valkyrie.

- Hiccup was investigating razorwhips disappearing at the request of the wingmaidens. Maybe they were using their scales to coat the bottom of their ships.

She pointed at a faraway ship, it's hull covered with the steel plates. Astrid shivered.

- This is... madness.

They came close to the tunnel, Astrid leaping forward to hide in the shadows of the earthen cave. Heather followed, turning around to wave Windshear goodbye as she slithered away and then flew in front of as many sailors as she could, distracting them far away from the tunnels.

- So, does the Berserker have any light?

Heather smirked, the back pouch on her belt being emptied as she pulled a lantern from it, lighting it up with a twist of a handle on the bottom of the metal.

- Hiccup made these a while back. Never had to use them until now.

Heather was leading with the light, Astrid paying attention to every dribble and drip, listening and smelling as she tracked the Berserker's footsteps, trying to not make two pairs of footprints. There were holes on the ceiling with small grates to stop big debris from falling in. Heather coughed.

- Ugh! Are you not bothered by this smell?... It's fucking dreadful.

Astrid let a reluctant smile shine through her concentrated expression.

- ... You get used to it when you live in a village with Snotlout and the twins. They... Have a unique aroma.

- Hah! Tell me about it. I have a brother that enjoys the "fine game meat of street rats". It's bonkers! This one time, Dagur--

Astrid was quick to cut her off.

- I'm trying to listen in to any sign of Toothless. I need silence.

The warrior didn't mean to be rude, but by the woman's reaction, that was how she was interpreted. Astrid wanted to reassure her, tell her that it wasn't personal, but something within her stopped it. She wasn't here to be friends with her, she was here to save Hiccup and then figure out what she would do about this "no longer wanting to kill dragons" phase she was having. The valkyrie went back to focusing on the sounds, metal on metal, dragons screeching, none of it fitting Toothless's growl.

The tunnels were getting more and more claustrophobic, Astrid felt some nostalgia with the tight space they soon found themselves ducking and jumping through. One of the openings beckoned to her, a light whimper that made her eyes widen and heart skip a beat.

- ... Hiccup?

She spoke onto the darkness, Heather also turning towards the dark as a hopping, completely battered figure approached. Hiccup's eyes took a moment to adjust, but he already expected Heather to be the one he saw.

- Heh, i thought you said i was on my own this ti--

He cut himself off when he saw Astrid. His mouth dried up; his body fell to the side against the wall as all the strength disappeared from his leg. Astrid dove forward, helping him stand and hugging him by the waist as she laid his arm on her shoulder. He felt as if the name was knocked out of him.

- A-Astrid?....

He quickly looked at Heather, expecting an explanation, the woman only giving a shit-eating grin from ear to ear as she bobbed her eyebrows.

- Are you okay?! What happened?! Did you fall in the acid?

Astrid frantically asked, a worried look as she tried her best to not touch any of his wounds. Hiccup pushed away all the things he wanted to say, all the "i'm sorry" and "we need to talk" giving way to the more pressing matter.

- I'm fine. I need to find Toothless, i don't know where they took him or what they're doing to him.

- Lucky for you, we were doing the same thing. Astrid's plan was to find him before finding you.

To that, Hiccup looked at the warrior.

- You... You were going to save Toothless first?

He looked way too happy about being the second priority. Astrid cleared her throat, turning to Heather as she changed the subject.

- We don't have much time. If Hiccup is gone, they'll associate Windshear's appearance with it and connect the dots. Let's get moving.

- Where? That was one of the only adjacent tunnels we have seen in almost an hour of walking, and i'm guessing by Hiccup's eagerness to go away from it that Toothless wasn't there.

Hiccup tried readjusting himself, awkwardly afraid of having too much skinship with the warrior.

- They wouldn't put him here at all. They knew an awful lot about Toothless, enough that they'd know these stones might be thick, but they're not strong enough to resist his blasts.

Astrid started moving, basically dragging Hiccup forward as she moved deeper into the island.

- Well, we can't go back and there are no dragons to help us escape. We either find Toothless, or the hunters find us.

She turned to look at him, her mind clearly focused on the mission as shown by her serious expression. Hiccup, on the other hand, let his brain wander as Astrid flipped her hair off her face to better stare at him, he could swear there were sparkles that left her eyes whenever she moved, her breath touched his cheeks as she asked:

- Do you have any idea where they might keep him? You seem like you got a better view on the island than us.

Hiccup immediately changed to his usual tactical self; he knew exactly where he would be.

- Johann... I saw an extraction unit walking through the streets earlier. I'm guessing he took Toothless to it straight away, he clearly wanted something from him, otherwise he wouldn't risk so much just to have me locked here.

Heather gasped:

- The plans i found! Hiccup, they're going to--

- There will be time for catching up later, we need to move, NOW!!

Astrid cut her off. They started bolting through the tunnels, as fast as they could with Hiccup's current state. The rider gave directions when he felt necessary, until Astrid's sharpened ears finally caught the familiar screech of the creature echoing across the tunnels.

- He's there... What's the plan? - Heather spoke, approaching the hatch on the ceiling and lowering her voice.

- I'll take the left; you take the right. When the room is clear, we pull up Hiccup and let Toothless loose. After that, we just run the closest we can to the back of the island and take flight from there.

Hiccup leaned against the wall as the two women counted in sync. As they opened the hatch, the attack was immediate, four hunters jumped forward to grasp Astrid, the warrior spinning as she kicked the feet off the first two, them falling in front of the other two as she grasped a sword from one of the fallen and, with two deflections, knocked the third one out with the pummel of the blade, kicking the fourth one on the chest and making him hit hard against the brick wall and pass out. She turned to aid Heather, only to notice the woman had already handled the single guard on the right. The berserker had a shit-eating grin:

- Do you have a sense for picking the most difficult task or was it just a coincidence?

Astrid smirked:

- If there isn't at least a small chance of dying to an enemy's blade, i don't even get out of bed.

They both smiled and pulled up Hiccup, the rider looked for the dragon:

- Where is he? Where's Toothless?!

Heather grabbed a key from the guard she knocked out, walking towards a heavy metal door and unlocking it, and as it opened, an immediate plasma blast flew from inside the room. She ducked just in time. Hiccup yelled, once again using Astrid as a crutch:

- Toothless, buddy! It's us!

A few seconds of silence before a coo could be heard followed by the rattling of chains. The two moved to look inside the room, Hiccup pushing forward immediately as he saw the dragon's situation.

There were chains strapped to his tail, legs and neck. A thick wooden plank with a hole just big enough to fit his stomach threatened to close tighter with a lever positioned to the side, most likely controlled by the hunters when the dragon got too rowdy. Hiccup clawed at the contraption, pulling it off piece by piece, clearly not worried about efficiency. Astrid walked towards the lever, pulling it against the grain, making the wooden plank open, the dragon huffing in relief.

Toothless was free, battered and clearly hurt, but still found it in himself to coo at Hiccup's missing prosthetic. Hiccup glued his forehead to Toothless's, a single tear falling from his eye as he spoke gravely:

- I'm sorry, bud. This is all my fault, but i'm gonna fix this.

He got up, using the dragon's neck as support. Astrid approached the night fury, the beast looking at her with huge eyes, expecting something.

She softly put her palm to the creature's head.

Heather moved to the exit.

- Great family reunion, but we need to leave. This isn't over yet.

The warrior turned to Heather and Hiccup:

- Toothless will move faster than us and clear the path, he will go first and we will follow. I'll carry Hiccup.

They all silently agreed, moving to the original room as Heather got ready to open the door. Hiccup smiled to the dragon, reassuring him as he coyly got ready to bolt.

The door was opened and all hell broke loose. The thousands of hunters jumped out of the way as Toothless came out blasting, jumping and running forward followed by the three humans. Astrid carried Hiccup rather easily, the man was scrawny and mostly showed no resistance to her pace. Heather, on the other hand did not seem used to running. As they snaked their way through the claustrophobic alleys of the steel island, Heather started falling behind, making Astrid and Hiccup constantly check back to make sure the berserker was still following.

- HEATHER, YOU GOT TO RUN FASTER!!

- I'M GOING AS FAST AS I CAN!!

An arrow missed her by a meter. Astrid and the berserker shared a look as they took a moment to observe the sky behind them. A rainfall of arrows was coming their way. Astrid got more determined, pulling Hiccup even harder towards the back of the island; Heather was panicking. She started tripping as the arrows got closer and closer to her. Hiccup started yelling, Astrid was not paying attention to any of the words, too focused on following Toothless and listening to Heather's footsteps, making sure she was still following them.

That's when she noticed them suddenly stopping. A nauseating sound of arrow piercing meat and the blood curdling scream of Hiccup on her ear.

- HEATHER!!

Astrid kept running, her heart tightening and her body shivering as she recognized this feeling. The feeling she had in so many battles and wars.

The feeling of leaving someone behind.

- NO, ASTRID, WE NEED TO HELP HER, PLEASE, PLEASE STOP! HEATHER!!!

Astrid did not listen, she did not look back, allowing her vision to get blurry with tears as they reached the back of the island. Toothless had stopped, confused and waiting, looking at Heather and at Hiccup with clear panic. Astrid put Hiccup on his back, taking the lead from behind him, having to restrain him from jumping off the dragon and going towards Heather. Astrid opened the dragon's backfin. Ordering him to fly.

And so, he did.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

This one was really hard for me to write. I really dislike sad stuff happening so i just felt A HUGE writer’s block for a while. Curse past me for doing this. Anyways, hope you enjoyed <3

#Wild Skies AU #wild skies #wild!hiccup #wild!heather #wild!astrid #httyd #how to train your dragon #fanfic #fanart #heather httyd #Astrid Hofferson #astrid httyd #Hiccup Haddock #hiccup httyd #toothless #hiccstrid #im only 60% sorry

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daily-coloring · 1 year ago

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Best of 2023 - Albums

Unbelievable year ... Fallen pop stars are returning, long time not seen artists are turning up in a best possible shape, producers making music under their own names, ... First of all I really enjoyed a few soundtracks this year especially Anthony Willis's Saltburn and Arnaud Rebotini's L'lle Rouge. Surprisingly I listened again on repeat a few DJ mixes too. Danny Tenaglia's new Global Underground was a pure treasure, James Zabiela's home session just made me dance for an hour in the living room, as well as Andy Butler's energetic set did too.

01. Roisin Murphy - Hit Parade - "If Hit Parade isn’t Murphy’s best album, it’s certainly her wildest and weirdest. Nowhere else is the scale of her ambition more evident than on the percussive and atmospheric “Free Will.” Murphy says she doesn’t believe in free will but that you should “just make believe that you can write the play” anyway. It’s yet another indelible statement that couldn’t come from anyone else." - Slant Magazine

02. Rebecca Black - Let Her Burn - "An acceptable stretch of Let Her Burn gives Black a chance to reform a persona she had never had any control over until now. As fundamental a shift as perhaps expected, Black warrants this change of pace but there is something inevitable about how these perspectives are formed and how retaliation to reactionary dogpiling a decade ago comes to the forefront. Working hard and pushing through with this half-hour debut LP is exceptional, with spotty highs and consistently solid mixes that give those electronic undercurrents a beat-worthy working. Destroy Me is a crucial highlight in getting to the core of reinvention but also in engaging with how buoyed Let Her Burn is by how much of an opposition it takes to the early works. Black has let her burn, whatever “her” was. Let Her Burn razes and destroys as much as it can, and it works as a successful, credible debut." - Cult Following

03. Sophie Ellis-Bextor - Hana

04. Clark - Sus Dog

05. Everything But The Girl - Fuse

06. Depeche Mode - Memento Mori

07. Mermaidens - Mermaidens

08. Kesha - Gag Order

09. Anna B Savage - in|FLUX - "So as a follow up to A Common Turn, this does feel like an album where, lyrically and thematically, we are dealing with an artist who has battled some of the previous demons, accepted the daily flux of life, and found a way to focus on the moments when life feels most complete. But in a musical context – Anna also seems to have taken that feeling, that love of contradiction, into the songs. At moments explosively ecstatic, at others wrought with emotion – and filled with influences and sounds from areas not explored on the previous LP – the album brings a bunch of disparate sounds and feelings together to create a powerful and impressive whole. Most impressive of all is the fact that, after an album that sent Picky Bastards into a spin for the whole of 2021, Anna has released something as good if not better." - Picky Bastards

10. HMLTD - The Worm

11. JMSN - Soft Spot

12. Orbital - Optical Delusion - "It’s an album of unlikely collaborations. Day One features the operatic talents of Dina Ipavic, while Are You Alive, sung by Lily Wolter of Penelope Isles, floats into moodier, more analog territory. Best of all are The New Abnormal (Golden Girls’ Kinetic turned inside out) and the anti-gammon state of the nation rant of Dirty Rats." - Record Collector

13. Spelling - SPELLLING & The Mystery School

14. Future Utopia - We Were We Still Are

15. CLT DRP - Nothing Clever, Just Feelings

16. Joy Wellboy - The Ones That Got Away

17. Pierre Rousseau - Twenty - Music for Etudes N°20 - Spring Summer 2022

18. Joyce Muniz - Zeitkapsel

19. Emiliana Torrini & The Colorist Orchestra - Racing The Storm

20. Thomas Azier - The Inventory Of Our Desire

21. Sofia Kourtesis - Madres

22. Not Waving - The Place I've Been Missing

23. Restive Plaggona - Ignis

24. Deichkind - Neues Vom Dauerzustand

25. Daughter - Stereo Mind Game

26. Daði Freyr - I Made an Album

27. Yves Tumor - Praise A Lord Who Chews But Which Does Not Consume; (Or Simply, Hot Between Worlds)

28. Surgeon - Crash Recoil - "Crash Recoil is probably about as close to a live Surgeon record as we’re ever going to get. Child views producing and performing as two disparate disciplines, which they are, and he goes about each in a very different way. This also means it’s about as close to a traditional pop/rock approach to writing and recording as you’re likely to find from an electronic producer, woodshedding tracks on the road and sharpening them to a diamond sheen. More bands and producers should think of adopting the approach as it clearly can yield stunning results, as evidenced by this glorious offering." - Spectrum Culture

29. Duran Duran - DANSE MACABRE

30. When Saints Go Machine - Rosy

31. Young Fathers - Heavy Heavy

32. Maps - Counter Melodies

33. Laurent Garnier - 33 tours et puis s'en vont

34. Benedikt Frey - Fastlane

35. ANOUK - Deena and Jim

36. Anthony Naples - Orbs - "The New York producer once known for muscular house and techno continues to drift into the ether, channeling ’90s chillout and dub techno into his singular vision." - Pitchfork

37. James Holden - Imagine This Is A High Dimensional Space Of All Possibilities

38. Hifi Sean & David McAlmont - Happy Ending

39. Tirzah - trip9love...???

40. Kelela - Raven

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jodilin65 · 22 years ago

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TUESDAY, APRIL 30, 2002 It looks like Scot will be skipping April altogether, as far as seeing me here goes, but we’ll know for sure in a few hours. I kind of doubt I’ll see him before Friday.

I should’ve seen my doll by now, and I’m really sick of this shit! Why can’t I just order a doll and get it? It was in stock, they took the money for it, so where is it? I emailed them and asked them the same question. I should get a response any sec. It’s an hour earlier in California, but it shouldn’t be long.

These rats are still so “Ladylike.” If they haven’t calmed down yet, then they probably never will. They simply came from the wrong mother.

Surprisingly, I slept till 6 AM. Is that a sign? I still say it’s too early for her to be calling today, but time will tell.

Sheriff Joe was on TV yesterday, making a complete fool of himself on a jail/prison documentary. Especially to those who know him for what he truly is. He was bragging about the millions he’s made in “rent,” and all the people he serves, and I was like, “serves?” Try “control,” you bastard!

There’s this women’s prison in California and their Ad-Seg area is quite different than Estrella’s. Theirs is basically the hole where the troublemakers go. Estrella’s is supposed to be for those in fear for their safety, but it’s really for those who don’t want to work for free. Especially if they didn’t get a two-for-one.

I saw Officer Sunday and some other officers when they were showing the chain gang. Most of the focus was on the tents, though.

Once again I’m wondering, would taking the classes for any reason be the right thing to do if Scot says they won’t drop it? I just don’t want to be sending the wrong message and leading them to believe I’ll just jump to their every beck and call, cuz I won’t. It’s just that I think I can get some money out of these classes, but if 6 months from now they want something else, they can forget it. I’m not a robot for the state of Arizona. I still wouldn’t put it past them to push the job issue at some point or demand more money, either.

During my fine-tuning of the 1992-1993 file, I noticed 6 months were missing. The period between 4/22/93-10/22/93. So, I had mixed emotions when Tom said he may have an old backup. The purpose of my encrypting my journals is so no one can read them without my permission, so if he has decrypted copies lying around, that’d defeat the purpose, wouldn’t it? However, in light of the situation, I hope he does have that time period somewhere. If not, I’ll insert a note in the area those entries should be in, covering everything I can remember happening during that time frame.

MONDAY, APRIL 29, 2002 I went online yesterday to see if that Arab doll was sold out. She wasn’t. Then I noticed their new Brazilian doll named Carmencita and was like - wow! Like the Arab doll, she’s $40. She’s also full-body porcelain and wears what looks to be a 2-piece bathing suit with a colorful cape and hideous headdress. I don’t have to use the headdress, though. Anyway, it’s quite different than anything else I’ve got. I guess I won’t be getting Blossom, the fairy that goes with Twinkle. Right now, my top two choices are the Brazilian and the Arab doll, but we won’t be ordering till July.

Then I had an idea. Maybe this class bullshit is a good thing after all. Maybe it’s a money-making opportunity. See, I’d be taking classes with criminals, particularly Hispanics. Hispanics who would be charmed by this white girl’s broad knowledge of Spanish and who would be happy to loan her a few bucks here and there. Criminals are one of the easiest people to con since most of them are so stupid. I could use them the way I did with Nervous, asking them to please spot me a $10 here and a $10 there, promising to pay them back as soon as I can. Meanwhile, it wouldn’t be anything that could get me thrown in jail, and knowing how fucked up most of society is, I know I could do this without feeling guilty.

I can’t give in to this state’s every demand, though. This class bullshit is one thing, but if 6 months from now they decide they want something else, they’re not getting it. Period. I will put my foot down then, so help me God. And if I find that this class bullshit’s not making me some money, I’ll drop it like a hot potato and there’ll be no classes, no Scot, no money payments, no nothing. Meanwhile, I’m hoping I can con enough money to get a doll or two before July.

And so it was one year ago at this very moment that I returned home to a dying Houdini.

And I’m still fat and the freeloaders are still a part of my life.

Meanwhile, Teddy Bear should get my letter today if she’s working, though I don’t expect to hear from her today. I hope not. I’d hate to crash at 6 PM just to have her call an hour later. I slept till midnight, so I’m going to try to stay up till 6:00, then come Tuesday, I should be able to cover the phone during the late afternoon/early evening hours.

What am I gonna do with myself for the next 11½ hours? Guess I’ll do more fine-tuning. I’m amazed at just how many errors there are in these journals. These were supposed to have been spellchecked and proofread, too. I could also read or watch TV, but not until the end of my day. Doing that tires me out. I could work out too, but I don’t really feel like it.

After deciding the benefits weren’t worth all the work, I haven’t been running much lately. A part of me is so tempted to cut my hair off, eat what I want, and to hell with even maintaining my weight, but I know that if I did that, I’d bust out of my new shorts and sundress in less than a month. So, I guess I’ll just cut my hair off, but not yet. I’m still not sure whether or not I want to trim a few inches or cut it to my shoulders. I’ll probably cut it to my shoulders cuz I’m just so sick of it. It’s always tangled, full of static, and it’s just a bitch to deal with. If it were thin and straight, that’d be one thing, but thick curls to one’s ass is a bit much.

In less than 4 hours I have to give my life back to the freeloader.

SUNDAY, APRIL 28, 2002 You could say I’ve been both pissed as well as grateful to Tom over the last couple of days. I’m grateful for his putting a faster board in my MP3 computer, but I’m sick of his moodiness and his misinterpreting me so much of the time. You’d think that after 9 years of knowing each other, he’d know me better by now, but he’s constantly misunderstanding the things I say. And he seems to be less and less patient and more and more frustrated with me when I myself don’t understand him right away.

I’m also getting sick of the controlling lately, too. He seems less tolerant of my ways these days. He’s always complaining about something I’ve said or done. He interrupts me when I see Scot, gives me disapproving looks a lot, and has been making me feel like nothing I do or say is right.

Yesterday’s trip to the grocery store was a disaster. All I got was “Slow down, come here, settle down, don’t run, don’t yell, do this, do that,” and I was like - I’m not a fucking yo-yo!

“Are you trying to lose me?” I asked him in the car on the way back from the store.

“You can leave me anytime you want. I’m sick of your threats,” he said.

“I never threatened to leave you.”

“Isn’t that what this is about?”

“No,” I told him, “I simply made a comment, an observation.”

And so I wonder - does he really not get me? Am I really all that bad? Do I really turn him off that much? Or is he purposely doing little things to try to lose me?

Maybe I was wrong in assuming he had nothing to do with my not desiring him sexually these days. I still believe the main reason is that I simply got sick of the same old, same old. What was once new and exciting is now old news, but maybe part of the reason I’ve been turned off really does have to do with his own apparent lack of interest.

Despite the fact that I’ve told him that I loved Teddy Bear in addition to him and not instead of him, how much of this is related to her? Does he really think I’m not approachable because of my feelings for her, or is it just his own lack of interest he can’t admit to?

I had assumed it was his own lack of interest cuz he never had much of an interest from the get-go. Ever since I’ve known him he’s been the way he is. In the beginning, I was the only one who wanted sex regularly, but through time, his lack of desire dampened mine, then it just got old anyway, as I’m sure it would with anyone. Lots of people feel the way I do after so many years. I know we’re not alone in that department, as far as no longer wanting sex goes. Nonetheless, I can’t snap my fingers and make myself want it with him, and truthfully, I wouldn’t if I could. I wouldn’t want someone who didn’t want me. Meanwhile, this doesn’t mean I’m going to stay celibate forever. If an opportunity to have sex with Teddy Bear arises, I’m gonna just go with the flow of it if it’s meant to be.

I still want Tom to be my number one and for us to always be together, but I certainly haven’t been as happy with him as I’d like to be lately. If he could be a little more patient and tolerant of me and not get agitated over the questions I may ask, even if they seem dumb, then I’d try to put on the public act he wants me to put on. He wants me to “act like everyone else” in public, but you know me; I’ve always been adamant about being myself. But if it would make him happy to see me kiss a little ass, then I guess I could compromise.

Meanwhile, her letter’s been mailed. Whether or not she gets it and calls, who knows? My guess is that she’ll call between the 3rd and 5th if she does call. I should be excited. I mean, I thought I’d be excited come letter time, but I don’t really feel much of anything at all. I know that whatever’s meant to be will be. I just hope it doesn’t turn out that I’m making a mistake. I don’t have any bad vibes, but you never know. She could fuck me over, or Tom could get jealous and try putting guilt trips on me. I know things have changed and evolved since, but look at all the shit he put me through over Kim, and I wasn’t even attracted to her. So there’s no saying how he’ll handle me associating with someone he knows I’m attracted to.

It’s hard to believe the time has finally come. To think that she could be here within a week or two is like - wow! There’s still a small part of me that hopes I don’t hear from her, but more so than not, I hope she does call and I hope we get together. And yes, I hope there’s sex, too. What will it be like, I wonder? Will it be a great experience? Just so-so? Will I be plagued with guilt, or will I enjoy every moment of it? Will I feel like what I’m doing is wrong? Will I feel like an adulteress? Or will I be with her and her only when we’re together, enjoy every minute of it, and not worry about Tom?

And what about her? Will she not want to see me all that often? Will she fall in love with me? Will she wish I’d move in with her or will she be glad to have her space when I’m not there?

Has she been alone all this time? Is she alone right now?

Is she still at Madison? Will she get the letter? If she doesn’t call me, what will her reasons be for not calling? Will it be because she met someone? Will it be because she decided not to get involved with a former inmate? A married woman?

Did she ever drive through this area? Has she seen the house?

If we do get together, how often will we do so? What will our relationship entail and be like? How long will it go on?

Questions, questions, questions! And despite the risks, I want some answers, Officer R. D. Johnson!

I’m still going to make her the offer of moving onto our land, but I still think it’ll be too far from work. Also, the more I think about it, the more I don’t think it’d be a good idea for her to live here, cuz if she did go bad, then we’d have to live with her just like we had to live with the freeloaders. I’d like to think she wouldn’t stoop so low as to forbid me the right to ignore her, but still, it may not be a wise or safe idea to have her so close. Especially someone in law enforcement. We’d also get less money when we went to sell someday, but I’d like to see her move closer, like maybe the center of town.

If we did get it on with each other, no, I wouldn’t tell Tom about it simply because he wouldn’t need to know about it. Whether or not he suspected we were playing around, he wouldn’t need to hear about it. The same would be the case for me if he had a side dish. I’d still love him and want to be with him, but he need not share the details with me. Then again, if he really wanted to, not that he’d be the type, it wouldn’t kill me to hear about it, cuz I know I’d always be his number one just like he’ll always be my number one. Nonetheless, as the law, Tom and life itself have taught me, sometimes it’s best to say/not say what’s best, rather than to come clean and be honest. We’re all liars of convenience. When it’s in our best interest to lie, we do, though I’m not going to lie to Tom. I just won’t say anything at all.

Just like I predicted, no doll this week, though I should’ve been here by Friday. See, I knew the PO would fuck up if the doll was in stock. They probably misdelivered it and had to reroute it back to me like they did when I got the first 4 dolls from them in January. They did take the money for the doll, though, so that has to mean she is on her way. She should be here tomorrow.

It seems I spend my time either trying to get myself to sleep at certain times or pushing myself to stay up as long as possible. Last night I managed to sleep till 11 PM, so I’m going to try to stay up till at least 5 PM, then sleep till 1 AM. If she calls, it’ll probably be between the late afternoon - early evening hours. Once I’m getting up between 3 AM - 4 AM, I can be up during that time. I also won’t have to worry about the cheeks waking me up, should he pop in this week.

SATURDAY, APRIL 27, 2002 I started to write about how bored I’ll be now that I’m not going to be doing this, but caught myself just in time. After all, I learned the hard way that bitching in my journal about boredom is asking for trouble. For some reason, God seems to think that my boredom should be cured with trouble.

I just wish my schedule wasn’t what it is, but again, I’ll leave Teddy Bear to fate. If we’re fated to meet, she’ll be fated to call, and I’ll be fated to get that call.

FRIDAY, APRIL 26, 2002 My schedule is in a horrible position for it being time to send the letter. But I suppose that if it’s meant to be, I’ll be fated to get her phone call if she calls. Worst case scenario - she keeps calling and I keep missing her calls and she leaves no number to call her back, then she gives up.

Tomorrow was the last time I saw her one year ago. My vibes still say I’ll see her. At least, that’s what I think they’re saying. I’ve been on a bad streak lately. I hope that doesn’t mean I’m wrong in saying that the class vibes have improved. Anyway, I’m really gonna have a flood of mixed emotions if I don’t see her. I’ll be both sad and relieved. Sad because I really loved her and wanted to see her and get to know her. Relieved cuz she won’t have to see how fat I still am or ever get the chance to fuck me over.

Anyway, I’ll probably be mailing the letter today when we do the grocery shopping.

They’ve taken the money for the doll but haven’t emailed us about it, so I guess that means she’s in stock and on her way.

I’m gonna be so stressed out right before I see Scot! I just want to know either way and get it over with. The sooner I know if someone’s fucking with me, the sooner I can figure out what to do about it.

After whatever happens with this shit, what will God have me getting all worked up over next? And if the freeloaders are ever out of our lives someday, what will our next long-term problem be? How many years will it go on? Who will it involve? How much money will it cost us? And will it cost me my freedom?

THURSDAY, APRIL 25, 2002 I couldn’t hold my schedule any longer, so I’m doing a rollover. I also did some rat rearranging and kicked Lady out. She was just too spastic for me. I once again put the 5 girls in the new cage, but one of them got out. So, I put her and another one back in the tank so she’d have some company. So far, the 3 that are left in the big cage are still there.

We’ve both learned the consequences of turning the other cheek, being too nice, and not fighting back. So, when the stupid idiots at work kept fucking up and ruining Tom’s night, he wrote them up. While we’re on the subject of “would’ve, could’ve, should’ve,” I totally regret not beating the snot out of the black bitch when she came screaming at me at our door. That’s when I should’ve got her. She’d have been on our property and I’d have claimed self-defense. With her being black and with God protecting her, it may not have gotten her tossed in jail, but it might’ve helped keep me out of jail. A report saying she came over and attempted to attack me would’ve looked really good.

I was watching a show about people who sued pig departments for harming or killing their loved ones in high-speed chases. And over the dumbest things, too. One poor girl had to die cuz it was oh so important to a pig that the person they were chasing dimmed their lights. Pigs are so hell-bent on control that they’d gladly kill innocent bystanders just to conquer and capture someone, even if it’s for the dumbest reasons.

Pigs and courts need to learn that they just can’t always win. They simply can’t get their way all the time, and they need to learn when to pull back and either wait a situation out or cut their losses and admit defeat. They’re simply not God, and no, they just can’t do whatever the hell they want with anyone they want. There’s a time to be persistent and there’s a time to bow out gracefully.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 24, 2002 My stomach is flatter than it has been for a while, partly thanks to the Ab Force. I’m really amazed that it could do this! I’ve begun zapping my thighs as well. I just wish I could zap this giant face and neck off, too! I’m holding steady weight-wise at 119 pounds.

No mail from Pérez or Mary, so hopefully I’ll at least get my doll this week without any problems. I guess my not hearing from Mary has to do with trial stress. I’ll have to try to remember to look online to see when the new trial date is. I’m pretty sure she’s still at Estrella, though.

This Saturday I offered to do the grocery shopping along with him, even though it’ll be a nightmare. That way, I can mail Teddy Bear’s letter from there and be sure it got mailed. I’m not saying Tom didn’t mail Pérez or Rule’s letter, but I can never know for sure. I wasn’t there.

Tom said that this class thing has nothing to do with the judge and that the judge is out of it. All he did was accept the DA’s ludicrous recommendation. It’s up to the probation department to make the adjustment, and he also reminded me that just because it says I have to do something, like work or take classes, doesn’t mean I have to do it.

But why a year and a half into this shit are they bringing it up? Is this just a case of God wanting me to get all worried for nothing? And when am I ever not going to have to have some steady bullshit going on that requires regular appointments? It’s like something wants to keep me going out regularly. First it was for the ear, then the teeth, now the freeloaders. What long-term problem comes after the freeloaders that I’ll be powerless to fight?

This weekend Tom’s going to give me a different computer to use as my MP3 computer. One that’s as fast as my work one. That’ll be nice to have. I’m sick of how slow the one I’ve got right now is and I’m sick of the damn thing crashing.

We’re also recording all the old edit and convo tapes into his computer for him to burn onto a CD. All those tapes can fit onto one CD in MP3 format. There’ll be 5 tapes, but a CD can hold up to 30.

Our stock finally sold, so we’re going to get caught up with house payments and bills, put a little extra aside for the next breakage crisis within the next few months, and get glasses for him and Joy for me. I’m not sure if we’ll be going through JBS Dolls or someone else online. I doubt JBS cuz they’re just too outrageously expensive. I’d really rather try to get her assembled. I can make her an outfit, and if I can’t, she’d be easy to buy something for because she won’t have any stuffing in her arms as Jade does.

MONDAY, APRIL 22, 2002 Got my period this morning. I mean, I guess I did. I don’t have any cramps, but my tit pain’s down. It’s weird, though, cuz I’m not flowing, yet I’m not just spotting either.

Lady’s not pregnant, so that means that either Little Buddy and Sneezy are sterile, or complications arose when Lady gave birth, preventing her from ever getting pregnant again. What’s weird about Lady is that although she’s quicker to run from you than Sneezy, she’s also quicker to come up to you. Sneezy won’t run away as easily, but he sure as hell won’t come up to you either.

I’m more tired today than I was yesterday. Yesterday, I dragged myself out of bed a couple of hours earlier than I’d have liked to. Half the time, 8 hours of sleep is nothing to me. 8 hours just won’t cut it. Sometimes it does, but I usually need 9-11 hours of sleep. So last night I went to bed a couple of hours earlier hoping to catch up, but I awoke after just 7 hours of sleep. Guess I can thank the freeloaders for a part of it. Between the mental anguish over them and stressing out over this class bullshit, and thoughts of Teddy Bear, I’m rather restless.

If Teddy Bear does contact me, I just hope I don’t live to regret it. I’m so torn between wanting to live out my fantasy of being with her and wanting to love and stay with Tom forever! It isn’t just Teddy Bear fucking me over that’s a possibility. What if I fuck my own self over by leaving Tom for her, then live to regret it? I’d like to think I wouldn’t be that heartless, stupid and chancy since I could literally be throwing away my whole life if I were to go with her and end up getting dumped with no means of support or roof over my head. Also, I twinge with such sorrow and guilt when I think of leaving Tom all alone and lonely. Yeah, he’s a big boy. But he’s also human. Could I really live with myself then? For the rest of my life, could I really live with always wondering where he is, what his life’s like, who he’s with, etc.? Yeah, life’s all about taking chances, but could I risk having a home, medical insurance, financial support, and someone who fully loves and accepts me as I am? Could I really throw all that away for this woman? Could I love her more than I love Tom and feel even more secure with her?

No, I just don’t see how that’d be possible.

But I also don’t see how I could just ignore her and not settle my curiosity. Not only do I want to keep my word about the mice, but I want to see just what would happen between us if anything at all. Maybe she won’t be as good of a person as I thought she’d be. Maybe I won’t be attracted to her like I was before. Maybe she’s taken, maybe she’s dead, maybe she’ll never contact me. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I just don’t want to wonder about these things, I want to find out the answers to my many questions. Like, what is her first name? What’s her life like? Who is Officer R. D. Johnson and what role, if any, will she play in my life? That’s what I want to know.

Well, in less than an hour, I have to give my life back to the freeloaders, so I’m gonna sign off and get this encrypted. Just because Scot had a slight soft spot for me last week, doesn’t mean I’m safe from any surprise house tosses, and yes, I’m going to keep these encrypted. Nothing I say here is anyone’s business unless I choose to make it their business.

I’m doing a rat experiment. Once again, I put the female babies in the new cage, but this time they’re in with mom and a wooden burrow to hide under. I was thinking that maybe they’d stay there this time around, but we’ll see. I thought Lady was going to kill them at first, the way she pinned them and had them squealing, but I guess she was just checking everybody out to see who was who.

For the first time in ages, I feel a little depressed. This began yesterday. Maybe it’s PMS or maybe it’s cuz I do feel a bit guilty for loving Teddy Bear. I know I shouldn’t, though, since we can’t help our feelings. I have no more control over loving either Tom or Teddy Bear anymore than I have any control over liking disco music and coffee ice cream.

Who knows, though? Maybe, if we do meet, I’ll discover that I don’t really love her and that I only thought I did. Or maybe I will and she’ll do something to snuff that love out. Or maybe I’ll just never see her again. I never thought I’d say this, but a part of me hopes I don’t. That way there could never be any potential conflicts or tough decisions to make. Or maybe I’ll leave it up to Tom. I’m used to others making my decisions for me anyway, so perhaps I’ll just give him the letter to mail and let him decide whether or not to mail it. See, if I have him take me to mail it, he wouldn’t stop me. And when I ask him what I should do, he tells me I have to be the one to decide. Well, if I’m not with him when he’s mailing the letter, that’ll give him an opportunity to have some say in the matter without my knowing it. If he ditched her letter, all I could do was suspect he didn’t mail it, but I couldn’t prove it and he’d know it.

It’s weird being kind of down after so long. I mean, I’m not bawling my eyes out in tears. I’m sure part of it really is PMS, along with being tired. It’s just that usually, if I’m in a bad mood, it’s cuz I’m either pissed, stressed out or both. I’d rather that, though, than be sad.

SUNDAY, APRIL 21, 2002 I’m having conflicting Teddy Bear thoughts. First Tom and I were arguing over freeloader-related shit, which seems to be what the bulk of our arguments pertain to. First it was sex and babies and now it’s the freeloaders.

Anyway, I still worry that a relationship with Teddy Bear may cause friction within my relationship with Tom. Not necessarily cuz of anything she may do, but cuz of him. He tells me I’m in love with someone else now and that I’m “unapproachable” as far as either hugs or sex goes. Well, yes I love Teddy Bear, but that doesn’t detract from my love for him, and how have I been unapproachable? As I told him, I’m available to him, I always have been, I always will be, so if I’m unapproachable, it’s only cuz he doesn’t want to approach me.

As far as my mixed emotions about Teddy Bear are concerned - well - of course it’d be easier not to bother with her and take any chances of her fucking me over in any way, but could I really live with myself and be ok with it if I dumped her? No, I couldn’t. I made a deal with her. I said I was going to breed mice for her, and we agreed to get together. Therefore, I think I should at least keep my end of the bargain and let her be the one to pull out if she wants to. Also, I really do miss her and want to see her.

SATURDAY, APRIL 20, 2002 Still stressing over this class bullshit. This is the same stress I went through in jail. I knew I couldn’t have had these worries and bad vibes for nothing. I just didn’t know it’d take this long. Just why did they wait a year after my release to push this class bullshit? And once they see I have a diploma, are they going to push work on me instead in the name of control? Next thing I know my original fear will become a reality and they’ll be demanding that we move!

After having more time to reflect on it, I fear they won’t drop it because judges don’t change their minds as to what they’ve ordered. They simply don’t do that. It’s an ego thing. And if they don’t push the classes, they’ll just do something else. Remember, it’s a power thing, too. To them, making me pay the monthly fee and report twice a month isn’t enough control over my activities. They don’t just want to rip me off and make me pop in a couple of times a month, they want to control my life. And so does something up there. Once again, the more I go one way, the more I’m pushed the other. It’s like it wants me out of the house more often, yet I don’t want to be out of the house more often, damn it! Not unless it’s to see Teddy Bear. I just want to be left alone to live my life in peace and as I see fit. Who the fuck does this state think it is by trying to parent me around as if I were a child!

Sometimes I believe that the only way to escape society’s bullshit and the system’s abuse would be to literally drop dead. Being dead is the only way I could ever be free, but you know what, I’m not going to stress over this crap anymore cuz I’m not taking any classes. Period. This state is going to learn that no, it just can’t push people around whenever the hell they happen to feel like it. I’m going to put my foot down and stand firmly by what’s right. There’s what the so-called law says, then there’s what’s right. Well, it’s time to do what’s right in the case of Jodi S. Most of what I’ve done, paid, or where I’ve gone has been freeloader-influenced since ‘96, and it’s got to stop. It’s got to stop and I realize now more than ever that the only one who can make it stop is me. These people and the hold they’ve had on me aren’t going to go away on their own. It’s up to me to break the tie between me and the freeloaders. I swear, they’re either gonna end up driving me to my death or running me out of this house!

When I told Tom I was convinced Pérez never got my letter, he suggested that maybe she didn’t write back because they changed their policy about contacting former inmates.

Could be, but I doubt it. And I also doubt she would ignore my simple request and not write back. She was too nice to just brush me off like that. Again, I’m wondering if Tom mailed the letter to both her and Rule for fear of it causing us any problems. If he did, and if his suggestion is truly the case, then what about Teddy Bear? What? Is God up there saying, “No, I don’t want you out with Teddy Bear cuz that’s what you want? I want you taking classes.”

Well, I may not get my way in the end with Teddy Bear, but neither will God. My life is my life. It belongs to me and I’m the one that’s going to take charge of it.

We put a room-darkening shade up in the retreat and two light-filtering shades in the bathroom. That’ll help with the cooling costs a bit more.

I still can’t believe someone had the stupidity to actually think my reading comprehension skills were low. I just don’t see how anyone could’ve concluded that, but even if they were, that’d be my problem and up to me to do something about it, not the state of Arizona.

Besides the fact that I wouldn’t waste our time, money, and gas going to court just to lose, I couldn’t stomach seeing those freeloaders again. I couldn’t restrain myself from pouncing on them.

“They have a right to be notified and to have some say in it,” Scot said when we were talking about the petition.

Yeah, I know. They’ve been having some say in my life since 1996. They’ve been having a lot of say in it.

Well, either way, time will tell if this class bullshit is either a fuck-up or a fuck over, and whether or not I’ll continue on with the probation. Right now the ball’s in their court, literally, so it’s up to them. My actions will depend on theirs.

FRIDAY, APRIL 19, 2002 They want, they want, they want! I’m so fucking sick of this state and its fuck-ups! And damn every mother-fucking freeloader to hell!

Everything will probably be okay, but get this - I go to see Scot today, and he comes out and says they asked for two things that have him baffled. First, they want their report a month in advance, and two, they want to know why I haven’t taken the adult education classes that Scot can’t figure out why they ordered.

To break that down, every 6 months, they want a progress report. He said he told them a few weeks ago that he’s not scheduled to do a report on me till the end of this month. The reason he doesn’t understand the adult ed. classes is that I’m a high school graduate. He says that 60% of the probationers don’t have high school diplomas, so that’s why it’s ordered in most cases. But since I do, he doesn’t see why it’s necessary. I offered to fax him my high school diploma, which Tom’s going to do tonight from work (always one more thing we gotta do for these damn freeloaders!). I’m also going to fax the sign language and manicuring diplomas.

Now here’s the real kicker - according to Scot, they said something about my reading comprehension skills being low. I actually laughed when I heard that, telling him I read just fine.

Tom suggested that since I don’t act like most others, they may have gotten the impression at the courthouse that I didn’t understand the papers I went over with the interview lady or something (it’s always my fault). But I never went over any papers with anyone. That was simply thrown in there for spite, no doubt, but as I told Scot, I’m not taking classes. He thinks he can smooth things out and doesn’t see why it’d be necessary for me to take classes, but he has to do his job. In other words, things aren’t up to him.

I know that, I told him, and I don’t hold him personally responsible for anyone else’s spite or stupidity. He’s the only one that hasn’t been corrupt or incompetent as far as this bullshit goes, and for the first time since I’ve known him, I truly felt like he was on my side and wanted to help by telling them, hey, I don’t see why she needs these classes.

See, this is what I’ve feared all along; that they were gonna get on Scot to get on me about either work or classes. I meant it when I said I’d put my foot down against any classes, and I reminded Tom about this afterward. It’s my fucking life and I’m not about to rearrange it for any fucking vindictive freeloaders or corrupt officials. For 36 years I’ve been treated like a child, and goddamn it, it’s going to end! Scot and Tom are probably right when they say I have nothing to worry about, but it’s just the whole point being that they’ve ruffled my feathers once again.

I’ve given this state everything. Everything. Half a year of my life and thousands of dollars. If I keep giving in to their spontaneous and additional demands, they’re really gonna try to take advantage of me. It’s like they’re testing me to see how far they can push me and how much they can get out of me. I wonder when they’re gonna try to milk us for more than $40 a month. Any day now, I’m sure.

Tom told me afterward that it isn’t that he blames me, it’s just that by not compromising and not being willing to act like most others, I’m going to have to pay the consequences of others misunderstanding me.

Well, he’s wrong. That’s how it was in the past, but that’s not how it’s going to be from here on out. To me “compromising” really means being phony and kissing ass so you can come off as others expect/want you to, but I refuse to be what society thinks I should be. I’m me. Period. So if people are stupid and if someone misunderstands anything I say or do, that’s on them, not me. That’s their problem and their problem only.

I know that’s not what this is about. I didn’t go over any papers with anyone. Nothing I said or did should’ve given the impression that I couldn’t understand what I read. I also find it rather ironic that someone could think that after I typed up page after page of the shit I sent that I could have trouble reading. What? Did they come up with that cuz of the deliberate, disjointed sentences I formed to be confusing?

I doubt it. I don’t know who the hell suggested I can’t take in what I read, but I’m not spending any more time, money, and gas on this shit, and I don’t care what the courts order. Tom says he’ll drive me there, and that’s all well and good, but enough is enough! What? Does God feel my life’s so damn boring that he has to have this shit pulled on me to liven things up? Well, I’d rather be bored out of my mind than cater to these freeloaders and the fucked up system.

But maybe you’re destined to take classes so you can meet somebody, Tom said. Somebody that may speak Spanish that’ll need your help.

Well, I’m about to alter destiny. I like my life the way it is, thank you, and I have no desire to meet anybody new. Being pen pals with Mary and then meeting with my Teddy Bear’s enough. Perhaps I’m even making a mistake by meeting with Teddy Bear. Perhaps I’d be smart by not bothering and by not taking any chances. After all, she could screw me over, too.

I could do without Mary, but I couldn’t bring myself to dump on Teddy Bear and just forget about her. Then I’d always wonder about her and what would’ve happened. Of course, there’s always the chance that I’m wrong and I never see or hear from her again, though that’s not what my vibes say.

I suppose, that if Silvia had known why she was kicked out of M Dorm, she could’ve said Teddy Bear was just as corrupt as the black pig was, but for entirely different reasons, of course. Teddy Bear did what she did cuz she liked me and knew I was more comfortable being alone. The pig did what he did cuz he hated both whites and Jews.

I assured Scot that they were no victims when he referred to them as that pertaining to my petitioning the courts. He said he just calls them that cuz that’s what they’re listed as, he wasn’t there, so he can’t say what really happened one way or the other. When we told him we never saw the pre-sentencing report (of course we weren’t shown it, it’s all lies), and when I told him I didn’t want to petition for a sentence reduction not only cuz of the corruption, but for fear of the freeloaders retaliating, he seemed pretty understanding and rather empathetic for the first time ever. It was the first time he displayed anything other than the usual no-nonsense, I-don’t-care, it’s-not-my-problem attitude, void of any emotions.

I thought it was a bit odd, though, when he asked if I’d seen them or called their house. I reassured him we didn’t want to know they existed, and believe me, if I had called their house, wherever they are, he’d know about it. So would the rest of the world.

Of all the things they could frame me for, at least I know they couldn’t accuse me of calling them since they keep phone records.

Of course, Scot was not only agreeing with me that they’d pitch a fit if I were to even think of petitioning the court, but he was also doing his job by encouraging me to do the rest of my time. Again, it’s a business just like any other. He works for the state, and as the state’s servant, he would never discourage clientele. That’s why they keep things moving, too. As soon as a dozen people finish their sentences, a dozen others begin theirs.

“I’m not gonna find a bunch of cops at my door over this, am I?” I asked him, and he said no, because I’m not in violation.

Well, if there’s one thing I learned not to do, it’s to not open the door to the cops under any circumstances.

All this time and I haven’t fought back yet, but boy let me tell you, if I get railroaded one more time - just one more time - I’m filing every lawsuit imaginable and then some. I’ll do everything and anything it takes to make those responsible suffer dearly, and if anyone wants to perceive that as a threat - fine!

What an eerie coincidence that the sentence is 3 years. That’s how long the freeloaders lived with us. It’s like I’m being punished for each year I tried to get them to shut up and let us live in peace. God really does punish me when I try to fight the cards he’s laid down for me.

THURSDAY, APRIL 18, 2002 I’m very happy to say that Little Buddy’s doing just fine. I guess he just got an upset stomach. This is the first rodent I’ve had that got sick and recovered. It goes to prove that the power of prayer really is bullshit, too. When Scuttles was dying, I prayed to God to make him well, yet he didn’t listen to me. But with Little Buddy, I knew better than to pray to the cruel, hateful monster, and what did Little Buddy do? He went and got better on his own.

Although I handle them daily, the babies are pretty timid, acting just like mice. I guess that’s because their mother’s such a psycho. I hope they’ll calm down with age, but I don’t know. If Miss Skitzo doesn’t start sprouting a belly any time soon, I’m gonna write Little Buddy and Sneezy off as either sterile, gay, or just not interested.

I was so beat that after not sleeping as much as I’d have liked to for the last few days, I let myself sleep in today, not getting up till after 11:00. When I got up I asked myself, do I do a rollover before Teddy Bear visits? Or do I stay on days?

Then the 11:34 sonic boom made the decision for me. I had just been thinking about that too, and how I haven’t heard them lately, figuring that the more things built up, the less I’d hear from them. I thought a boom woke me up at 8:00, but I’d never known them to boom that early and just once. Usually, the booms are in spurts of twos and threes. Sometimes even up to 6 or 7 booms. However, there was just one boom after I’d gotten up, so it probably was a boom I heard and not a dream.

I know I could probably go back to sleep, but that’d be much easier said than done after being woken up by any unwanted visitors. It might as well be the freeloaders themselves coming to see me. Every time I have to see Scot’s fat face, it’s like the freeloaders are right there with him saying, “We’re still here. We haven’t forgotten about you and we haven’t gone away. We’re still very much a part of your life, Whitey Jew.”

If there’s one thing and one thing only that bugs me about Mary’s story, it’s her and Justin getting jobs in Seattle. I’m confused about that one. Justin wouldn’t let her get help for Gretchen in Florida cuz he was wanted for abusing James in Arizona. I can see Justin forcing Mary to Seattle, though why Seattle beats me after he killed Gretchen in Florida. But the media said they got jobs in Seattle. If what the media says is true, since 9 out of 10 things they say are bullshit, then how could Mary continue living with him and go to work as if nothing ever happened? That’s something Doe and Art would do, but Mary? Mary, who’s nothing like them? Why didn’t she call for help once she was at work and away from Justin? And how many other kids were with them at this time? Did she not call for help cuz he threatened her other kids or what?

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 17, 2002 I hope to hell this isn’t bad news. I mean, it’s bad news, cuz Little Buddy’s sick. But how sick, is what I’m wondering? He was fine a little while ago, out running around, as usual. Then shortly after I put him in the new cage, he was sick. There was this yellowish drool dripping from his mouth and he appeared to be having difficulty breathing. Then a while later he cleaned himself and seemed perkier, even eating the carrot stick I offered him.

Oh, how I hope he’s ok! It hasn’t quite been a year yet, and I really want Teddy Bear to meet him! I’m hoping it’s just a case of an upset stomach like people get.

I just checked on him again. He’s not spitting up anymore, but now his nose is bleeding and one of his eyes doesn’t look too good. He’s still perkier, though, so I hope he’ll be better with some rest. It’s just that as a rodent expert, it bothers me to know that statistically, sick rodents rarely recover.

For a while, regardless of if he makes it, he’s gonna be residing in a much nicer and slightly bigger cage. On sale for $100, we got a $200 black wire cage. The other one’s black wire too, but its wires are thicker and spaced further apart. I thought the baby girls since there are more of them, could live in it, but they can get out, even though its bars are closer together. It’s half the weight of the other cage, cuz its bars are thinner. It has a metal base, rather than a plastic one like the other one has. It has 3 shelves at different levels (two have ramps attached to them) and it came with 3 tubes, too.

I bought a couple of new big wheels so there can be two in each cage once the babies move into it in another couple weeks or so, and for now, the big guys and mom are living in it.

Before we went to the pet store, we went to Walmart where I had a blast shopping.

I got a couple of clear vases with air bubbles trapped in them for the 4 bushels of flowers I got. I put two in each one. I got red roses, pink roses, red tulips and pink tulips. Because the vases aren’t as stable as I’d like them to be, I’m gonna get some colored gravel some time to weigh them down.

They had a really nice palm tree that was about 6’ high, but it was $50, so I passed it up.

You know how guys are slobs and don’t always aim - well - I bought a pink rug for around the toilet so I can wash it periodically. The pink contrasts well with the blue carpet.

For myself, I bought a pink and purple floral sundress that fits great, even though it’s a size 14/16 for girls.

I got shiny silver sandals that are a size 3 for girls and awesome looking. The only thing is that they’re not all that comfy. Hopefully, I’ll get used to them cuz they’re really dazzling. Actually, they’re denim sandals with pearl pink sequins. They’re strapless and toeless.

I got two pairs of comfortable shorts in black and pink, two G-strings with rosebuds, also in black and pink, a 6-pack of white ankle socks for next winter, and purple fuzzy slippers.

We got the shades for the master bath and retreat, but still need to get paneling for the sheds, skylight trim, ceiling fans, and a faster board for my MP3 computer.

Just when I thought I wasn’t going to find anything for Jade, I noticed these jackets. Windbreakers with hoods. I picked out a melon pink one, along with a pair of purple pants. Well, I couldn’t have gotten her a better outfit if I tried! They fit perfectly. The pants are mid-calf length, and the sleeves are an inch above her wrists. The colors go well with her coloring. Even her blue/red bead necklace. If only I’d thought to get her socks and sneakers if not just sneakers. Next time, though, and she still needs a stand, too. Her outfit cost under $20.

When it came time to check out the Barbies, I was surprised to find that there wasn’t the breathtaking selection I thought there’d be, but they sure had a lot more than the drugstores. They even had singers Brittany Spears and the chick from Destiny’s Child, as well as Michelle Kwan the figure skater. I want to get the Michelle doll next time around, but this time around, I got a gorgeous doll related to Barbie called Lea. This dark exotic beauty is definitely the best one I’ve got. She’s different too, cuz her outfit’s painted right on her body and so is her necklace. She wears a purple and white 2-piece bathing suit with a white floral chiffon wrap. The wrap is the only thing not painted onto her. I can’t tell what she is, though. Is she white with dark eyes and black hair? Is she Italian, Indian, Oriental, or Spanish?

I’m wondering if a house isn’t coming soon across from next door cuz I saw 4 or 5 people standing around next to a big trailer. They left right after I saw them.

They’re working in back now, as usual, and oh, how nice it is not to have to know about it without looking out and seeing it! Looks like they’re installing either an AC or an evaporative cooler. I wonder what the other two rentals have. There’s nothing on the roofs, so maybe they’ve got ground-mounted units.

TUESDAY, APRIL 16, 2002 It’s a gorgeous day for mid-April. Cool and breezy, though when the sun peeks through the clouds, it’s a bit warm. I decided to take advantage of this weather before it gets unbearably hot and open the windows to air out the musty, ever-present rodent odor.

Though I was up by 8 AM yesterday, I couldn’t fall asleep till 3 AM last night and was tired when I got up at 10 AM. Tomorrow we’re going shopping and I’m sure I’ll have no problem getting up!

This shocks the shit out of me to say this, but I think the Ab Force may be making a difference after all. It’s pretty subtle so far, but my waist is smaller. If I see any more of a difference, I’ll zap my arms and thighs, too.

The renters, as I predicted they would, have been coming out in the early evening on the hotter days. They’re very outdoorsy, but so’s most of Arizona.

I’ve just about written the cheeks off as a no-show, and I’m beginning to think I won’t see him till I go to him on Friday. Maybe the first of the year harassment really was over someone new in the area and or fear of my taking off with the New Year.

MONDAY, APRIL 15, 2002 Just two weeks and I can send the letter. I just know she’s gonna get it and I just know she’s gonna call, too! It’s meant to be. So, I should be seeing her in 3-4 weeks. May 10th stands out in my mind for some reason, which is a Friday, but I can’t say that it has to do with her. I think it does, though.

As soon as I get new ink cartridges, I’m gonna print out her letter before this printer, once again, goes on the fritz in one way or another.

Yesterday we ordered Christmas Glow, who I’ll just call Chris since I’m gonna make her over. So far we haven’t gotten any email saying she’s out of stock, but there’ll be some problem and or delay with the doll. There always is. This will be my sixth doll from them, and I have yet to order and get a doll from them within 7-10 business days.

I’m officially doing freeloader time again for the next 4 hours or so. I wonder if he’ll come when we’re out on Wednesday or Thursday. I doubt it. God wouldn’t have sicced these freeloaders on me in the first place if he knew we could just lock the cheeks out, so why would he have the cheeks stop by on a day when I wasn’t in?

I’m not sending Paula as many letters because I don’t write as often. I usually wait till I have 6-8 pages accumulated before I mail it off to her.

Tom and I were playing with the rats last night. It’s so cute how Lady follows Little Buddy and how Little Buddy comes running to me when I call him. Well, he usually does anyway.

SATURDAY, APRIL 13, 2002 I wasn’t going to write today, but I’m so bored! I don’t feel like doing any more office work or any working out. I already did some singing, fed the animals, and there’s nothing to watch on TV.

Tom says that his job’s erratic hours should settle down in about a month, but that’s hard to believe. He says that his taking over being the boss will lead him to even more raises and that in order to do so, things must be hectic for a while and that’ll sometimes include weekends. He’s been gone all day, and words cannot express how grateful I am to not want a child or have any sexual desires with this man, or else I’d be miserably depressed! Believe me, I’d rather be bored, even mad, than depressed.

I just hope nothing comes up to spoil our Wednesday plans. I’m looking so forward to making a day of it and having fun with no freeloaders involved.

I look out the window and I don’t see the freeloaders, I don’t hear the freeloaders, but why not? I mean, I may as well. They’re still very much a part of my life. Always with them, always with me. And while they’re not currently costing me my freedom, they’re invading my brain. Oh, how I wish I’d handled them differently! So many if-onlyies. Another thing I can add to my long list of regrets is going along with that 2-hour, seemingly asinine and irrelevant interview I went through at the courthouse prior to sentencing. Especially when she came out and asked about my income. That’s none of anyone’s business, I should’ve told her and then left. They would’ve threatened me and they would’ve bribed me, but they couldn’t have sent me to prison for refusing to do an interview and divulging personal information.

I still can’t believe that someone who never knew I even existed before October 30th, a perfect stranger, could sit in judgment of me and send me to jail! The mother-fucker may or may not have known the facts pertaining to the freeloaders or the pig, but I hold him just as responsible for fucking me over as I do the freeloaders, the pigs, and Paul. Any decent judge with a normal, rational mind would’ve said no to the DA’s recommendation. He’d have said that sending someone to jail for something they wrote, threatening or not, was a bit steep. Especially mail sent to an adult who had a choice.

Were Paul and the black pig connected? I’ll never know. Somehow I doubt it, though. Yes, it’s always possible that Paul also thought I was Jewish and had his own prejudices, but I think it was a case of common practice. I think public pretenders always try to deceive their clients in the name of control and saved money.

But the pig - that was sheer hate. Even if I weren’t Jewish; I was white and he wasn’t. I was also just another person he could manipulate and control.

It sounds so good and so easy to just tell myself, hey…you want to stop being their victim and stop being their victim right now? Then stop making payments, stop going to see Scot, and stop opening the door to him.

But they’d only come flying through the door as if I were a mass murderer. It’s a no-win situation. They’ve got me either way and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. I’m forced to be victimized by these people and our shit system, and I don’t know if it’s more infuriating or frustrating! I’m as powerless to stop what’s been happening and what’ll keep on happening for another 550 days or so, just as I would be if I were being held down while someone else raped me.

FRIDAY, APRIL 12, 2002 I took a Benadryl last night at 9:00, fell asleep at 10:00, and slept nearly 10 hours, waking up right before the 8:00 alarm.

This Sunday I’ll be ordering a doll, which I should receive between the 23rd and the 26th, but I know it’ll be a few weeks to a few months.

Currently, my top 3 picks are this $25 black doll, a $40 Arab doll, and a $60 fairy doll. The fairy doll’s a bit much for us right now, so it’ll be one of the first two that I’ll get. The black doll should be in stock cuz of its Christmas theme and the fact that it’s not Christmastime or near it. The Arab doll could go either way. So many people hate Arabs after the way they’ve tortured this country, yet the dress is so glamorous that that could cause it to be out of stock.

On the other hand, people don’t care so much about race when it comes to dolls. My black doll, Colette, for example, is just a doll. However, if she suddenly came alive, I’d beat her ass and toss her out the door.

Next Wednesday we’re going to Walmart. I can’t wait. I’ve been looking so forward to going to a department store for so long. We haven’t been in one since ‘99 while we were homeless.

No freeloader-related visits for 3 solid days!

I did my exercises. Hey, it keeps me fat and not real fat.

THURSDAY, APRIL 11, 2002 The first of the workers just arrived in back. God, I’d hate to live back there with that shit always going on! And thank God they’re not just a few feet away. Imagine the door slamming. And the trunk slamming? No bright light last night.

I got up an hour later than I should have, so I’ll have to really push myself in the morning and try to crash earlier tonight.

If Scot doesn’t show up within the next few hours, this will be the longest time he hasn’t bugged me here since last year, nearly 3½ months ago. His last visit was 4 weeks ago today.

Today I’m taking my weekly break and enjoying home-baked cookies. Something I haven’t done in a long time. In fact, I think this is the first time I ever baked cookies in this house. I’m also going to be enjoying my favorite coffee, loaded with fat and sugar. It’s 100 calories a cup, but oh so good!

I’m really sick of encrypting my shit. I mean, it’s such a pain in the ass! I think I’ll only encrypt current stuff since they can’t use the past against me. Then again, I’m being punished for something I’m supposed to have done beginning in 1996, and they don’t need anything threatening or incriminating from me cuz they could just make up their own “evidence” as I said before.

At first I asked myself what was more important to me, frustrating the pigs, should they seize this computer, with encrypted files? Or giving them an eyeful? The answer is - I don’t give a fuck about the pigs either way! For now, I’ll still keep them encrypted.

I did both my sessions at once and zapped my tummy for a total of 20 minutes. That way I only need to use the gel and clean up once. I didn’t bleed, so I think that yes, what I had was my typical mid-month bleeding. If in a month I see or feel any different, I’ll start zapping each thigh for 20 minutes as well, but I’m still sure I won’t see or feel any changes. That’s when I’ll probably quit zapping altogether.

It’s nice to see that the iguanas are out for the year.

No cheeks. Of course, we still don’t know that he didn’t stop by Monday. If he did, I’m sure he’ll tell me about it whenever and wherever I see him next.

God, I really had no self-respect back east! In ‘91, I was talking about being friends with Mary D, though I never did. That’s totally fucked up of me to even think that! After she trashed my stuff and tried to attack me? Damn! I should’ve hurt her instead of keeping her from hurting me, then I should’ve been forever done with her.

A few of the babies appear to be sprouting balls. So far it looks like there are going to be 5 females and 3 males. So if I keep Lady, and if she doesn’t breed with Little Buddy, that’ll be 6 girls and 5 boys.

Unlike me, Tom was sore after using the Ab Force. That’s cuz he doesn’t exercise, so his muscles are weaker.

From what I read online, the trial is to be delayed even more. I hope to hear from Mary about it real soon, then I’ll have to decide whether or not to make up an excuse as to why I can’t see her in May, or if I should just go see her.

Anyway, the sick fuck, Justin, is doing things to delay going to Florida to stand trial for murdering Gretchen, but as the report said, Florida will wait for him. He can’t put it off forever. Sooner or later Florida’s gonna get him and he’s gonna stand trial. I don’t know if justice will be done and if he’ll get executed, or at least life, but he can’t avoid extradition forever.

From what I can tell, Mary made two mistakes. The first one is going with this sick twist in the first place. The second is pleading guilty over failing to get medical help for both James and Gretchen. But Justin wouldn’t let her get the help, so why did she plead guilty to something she couldn’t help and that she wasn’t guilty of? They obviously did the same thing to her as they did to me and they tricked and bribed her into pleading guilty. She never needed to or should’ve pled guilty. Pleading not guilty, like she should have, would not have made things worse for her. It’s just that everybody’s led to believe that pigs, judges and lawyers are Gods who can do things they really can’t do. They let themselves be intimidated by them.

God, I wish I could go back and redo certain things over again, even though I certainly don’t care to relive the experiences! If only I’d contacted the city right away, if only I’d beaten the shit out of the bitch! If only the only words out of my mouth to the black pig had been, “Charge me or release me.” If only we had done our homework sooner as far as the laws and what Paul should’ve been doing. If only, if only, if only!

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 10, 2002 I ended up having just under 1000 calories yesterday and waking up at 118 pounds, but you know what? Enough is enough! I’m sick of this diet thing. I’ve spent years going hungry, and all for what? To lose 6 pounds? I’m tired of putting myself through so much for so little. All the hunger simply isn’t worth losing a few pounds. Meanwhile, as long as I stick to my exercising and keep my calories between 1200-1500 with one day a week to eat all I want, I should never gain weight. So, although I’m 15-20 pounds heavier than I’d like to be, there are worse things in life than being squat and plump. If I were 30+ pounds overweight, then I might stick to it and put more effort into it, but I am as I am and I want to just let myself be for a while. I’m not saying I’ll never diet again or lose more weight; just not now. For now, I want to relax and let myself be as I naturally am without putting so much pressure on myself, and as I said before, Teddy Bear will have to accept me as I am.

Our Ab Force thing arrived. It feels like a strong vibrator. I did my waist already. I’m a bit confused, though. They say not to use it for more than 20 minutes a day, but does that mean more than 20 minutes on the same area, or all together? And it doesn’t say either way about using it on your back or on different areas of the arms/thighs. It shows them using it on the outer thighs and biceps, but can’t I use it on my inner thighs and triceps if I wanted to? The only places it says not to use it are the head, neck, heart and genitals.

I’ll ask Tom when he gets up. He’d know more about this sort of thing. I’ll probably just stick to doing my abs with it cuz I still don’t see how it can change your appearance. This thing doesn’t say anything about that, though, unlike some of the others that claim it reduces a couple of inches from the waist. After a month of doing my waist, then I’ll decide whether or not to do my arms/thighs. Trying to get the thing on my arms isn’t very easy.

The renters are out burning trash right now. I saw two adults and two kids. What a dumb time to do your trash; when inspectors could be out and about. And what is it with the new bright light they have at the back corner of the house, towards the side where the utility pole is? They never hang out back or at the side, so what do they need that, and their front light for? You’d think people would want to take advantage of and enjoy the darkness out here, but instead, people light up their properties like in the city. I can see a low-wattage light in front, but a super bright light at the back corner.

It should be roughly a week now since Pérez got my letter. If I don’t hear from her by the end of next week, then I think that’ll be a reasonable time to assume she either didn’t want to write back, or she never got the letter. Now the question is, should I mail Teddy Bear’s letter myself? I don’t like this not feeling like I can trust Tom, but I’m just not sure if I can. They say your gut instinct is the one to trust, so would I be feeling this way if I didn’t have a reason to?

The baby rats are now a bit bigger than the mice. I think I might be seeing balls forming on one of them. They’re still little midgets compared to Sneezy, whose head is almost as big as their whole bodies. Sneezy’s now in with 3 babies, then I’ve got 5 babies by themselves, and Lady’s in with Little Buddy, who I hope isn’t sterile. I’d really like a Little Buddy Jr. or two, and to replace Lady with a look-alike.

A little over an hour ago, I could’ve sworn I saw Scot go up Ralston, the opposite way in which he goes to come here. If that truly was him, why would he pass by without stopping here? I guess this means he could swing back up and stop by, though. We’ll see. It’s been 4 weeks, so he could come by anywhere from right now, till a few months from now. If the cheeks come while Tom’s asleep, I hope I spot him before he gets a chance to knock and wake him up. After all, it was me the freeloaders were always after, so Tom shouldn’t have to be put out any more than necessary. He’s already been put out enough.

It still strikes me as being the weirdest thing how I can work out faithfully like I do, rarely exceed 2000 calories, and still be fat. I always truly believed that exercising was supposed to cause weight loss, but I see that it does not. It simply tones me up and helps keep me from gaining any more. But what do these fitness people do? Starve themselves? Work out 8 hours a day? Both? It’s said that the fitter you are, the thinner you are - well - I’m pretty fit, so why aren’t I thin? I mean, I just had no idea that one could carry so much fat as well as muscle at the same time!

Now it’s let’s-work-on-the-rental time. Why does this one need so much more work than the other two? There are two pickups and a couple of people hanging out by the utility pole. I wonder if that bright light’s connected to whatever it is they’re doing. I mean, no one should need that much illumination. Especially out here and in areas you don’t walk through.

I’m currently fine-tuning early 1991, and damn was I always sick! Colds, flu, infections, vomiting, asthma attacks - why was I always so sick?

No cheeks today. No activity in front, either, but it’s still for sale.

The workers are still in back. Just what the hell could be so wrong with the place that it needs so much work, and if there are that many problems, why’d George let them move in when they did? It must be a serious problem for them to be there this late. Whatever it is seems to revolve around the utility pole, so it’s probably an electrical problem.

I had contemplated hanging up the jogging for a while and just sticking to my toning exercises while adding another set to my routine to double my workout. Then I had an idea. Why don’t I keep my workout as it is and run on the treadmill? It’s easier to run on that thing, than to walk, anyway. I just have to hold onto the rails. It’s a hell of a heart-punching workout, though, being uphill and all, so I’ll only run to two songs’ worth and maybe even do it every other day.

After my second Ab Force session, I was bleeding. The question is, is this the typical mid-cycle bleeding I tend to have? Or did the Ab Force cause it? I didn’t bleed after my first session, so right now I’m not blaming it on the Ab Force.

TUESDAY, APRIL 9, 2002 We were gone for about 8 hours yesterday, but the car won’t be fixed until today. At least, we think it’ll be fixed today. He said that because we just got all new tires, he wants the car to last another couple of years and that maybe we can get fences and an old pickup this fall with stock money. That all sounds good, but I still can’t imagine God allowing us fences till right before or after the probation ends.

We saw Mary, Dave and Mom right as we were leaving. While he worked on the car I hung out with Pepper and read my book. Seeing Pepper made me wish we hadn’t decided against taking him, but either way, we couldn’t take him. We don’t have fences and it’ll be a while before we do.

Because I knew I would be on a liquid diet for today and tomorrow, I didn’t hold back on helping myself to the shit they have there. It is unbelievable all the shit they have! There were 5 bowls of candy, 2 boxes of cakes, half a dozen boxes of various crackers, half a dozen boxes of various chips, and both the fridge and freezer were jam-packed with pies, ice cream, TV dinners, etc. The only healthy things were a couple of containers of yogurt and some cheese. They did have V8 drinks for mom, but everything else was soda or fruit punch. The variety of food wasn’t the only amazing thing, but so was the quantity. If I were suddenly stranded all alone in that house, I could easily get by on all that food for a month.

Anyway, I woke up at 119 pounds, and I plan on not eating till Thursday. Depending on what the scale says come Thursday morning, then I’ll decide whether or not it’s time to permanently hang up dieting (or for a long, long time) and maintain whatever I am, or if I want to starve another day or two after I’ve eaten for a day or two in between.

What the fuck is going on here?! How could I have gained a pound since 8:00 this morning with no food? I should be down a pound or two by now, not up a pound. I didn’t shit today. Maybe that has something to do with it, but with no food, I should wake up tomorrow at 115, then at 111 on Thursday. That’s a reasonable amount of weight loss for someone who doesn’t eat for 48 hours, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna go through this hell just to lose a few pounds in the end! I should easily lose 4 pounds a day, maybe even 5 or 6.

We checked online for any news pertaining to Mary’s trial, but there was nothing. Not one mention of it, and I had said to Tom, “Guess it’s not big news when a child is abused so long as everyone involved is the same color.”

Yet he assured me it was too soon and that no mention of it would be likely till after the testimony, the closing arguments, and the jury’s deliberation.

I really hope she’s taken to Florida before May. I really don’t want to go through the hassles of going to see her! Besides, she should be a bit more comfortable in prison, I’d think.

If Scot doesn’t show up here this week, then who knows when the fuck he will? Not for a while, I hope. I’m really sick of having to deal with anything that’s connected to these freeloaders. I want them out of our lives for good!

I hope Paula remembers to call and let me know how she makes out in court at the end of the month. I also hope she’ll contact me as soon as she can if she gets a jail sentence on her birthday. Certainly, she couldn’t get too long of a sentence. She only slugged a cop, right? I hope that pig was white!

MONDAY, APRIL 8, 2002 There turned out to be more trouble with the car, so Tom’s mom got him a rental. Meanwhile, we’re going over there today while Mary’s at jury duty, Dave’s at work, and Mom’s at daycare to work on the fucking thing.

SUNDAY, APRIL 7, 2002 Tom’s at Mary’s now and I’m spending most of the day fine-tuning journals, besides working out and giving attention to the animals. I’m almost through the first 5 years of journals, but that’s back when I wrote so little. About 200 pages are covering the years 1987-1991 combined, yet twice that many cover 1996. 1996-1999 are too big to be stored on one floppy. After I get done skimming them for their trivial shit and restructuring sentences, I hope to get them onto one disk.

I spoke to Tom at Mary’s a couple of hours ago. It did turn out to be a ball bearing like he originally thought. The good news is that Ma’s covering the $100 cost. Guess you could say I’m grateful for God ignoring my prayers, as he usually does, back when I’d pray for him to take her. But his was when she was much more of a burden than a help. The question is, what are we gonna do when he does take her?

Anyway, as it’s turned out, the only thing that’ll be spent on this shit is time. Time he should’ve spent lazing around the house. He was sick, he’s been working his ass off - the guy deserves a break! But no, God just had to go and let this happen.

Sometimes I wonder - is God trying to tell us to go into the repair business with the way he has our shit break so often? He just loves to sit back and watch us have to fix shit, but boy I’ll tell you - I am really fucking sick of it! It really gets old! By July we’ll have another breakage crisis. He just won’t let us live in peace for more than 3 months, though anything’s better than being cursed with freeloaders, pigs and jail.

I just want to go shopping next week and for me to see my Teddy Bear. My vibes strongly say that I will, but if I don’t, I’m going to believe I’ve totally lost all my psychicness completely. I’ll give her until June to contact me. If she doesn’t by then, then I’ll destroy her text and picture files and file her away in my brain as just a memory.

But I know that won’t be the case. I know she’s coming. I just hope she’ll still be attracted to me, and that deep down she won’t be disappointed in me for not losing weight. I just don’t want to do it. Period. I like to eat, and besides, I’ve had my thin days, so it’s not like it’s something new that’s so important to me. I just don’t care about my looks as much anymore. As long as I don’t get bigger; that’s all that matters. Meanwhile, I’ve been chunky for years now and I know I always will be. This is how I’m meant to be, or else I wouldn’t be this way, and I don’t care to lose weight that’ll only come right back. I’m big everywhere except for my calves and forearms. I only hope she doesn’t mind. She shouldn’t. I mean, she’s twice as big as I am, after all, and doesn’t seem the type to base relationships solely on looks. I look close to how I looked in jail, so I guess that if she could be attracted to me back then, she could still be attracted to me.

SATURDAY, APRIL 6, 2002 I’m so fucking pissed right now! Utterly furious! Of the two problems we usually have (freeloader or breakage), it’s the non-stop breakage curse that’s got us now. The fucking ball bearing on the car went out. I knew something would come up to stop us from our mid-month shopping spree I had looked so forward to. Well, I’m sick of making plans cuz we just cannot get ahead to save our lives! Something up there doesn’t want us having any fun for damn sure. As soon as we fix one thing and think we just might get ahead enough to spend some money on ourselves, something just has to up and break. Why can’t we go three months without something breaking??? Just three months!!! Why plan on getting outfits for Jade, plants, fences or anything else when something’s only gonna come up to take that money away? And there goes the doll I was gonna order this month too, cuz I know this thing is gonna cost hundreds of dollars. I know this isn’t gonna be just a minor inconvenience that’s simply going to delay our grocery shopping and our stopping to pick up our mail for a day or two. When God gets us, he gets us good.

Meanwhile, he’s gonna try getting a hold of Mary so she can bring him home. Then tomorrow, he’s gonna have her come get him, then bring him to work where his car will be.

I just want us to be able to live our lives! I’m sick of having to make a career out of fixing things and catering to freeloaders!

the cheeks asked Tom again if he were back on nights. In other words, will he be waking him up when he comes to bug me next week?

When am I gonna get another 3 months off from his popping over? I’m obviously not a flight risk, or else I’d be gone by now, and anyone with an average IQ could see I’m not this crazy, violent person, despite the fact that that’s the impression that would’ve been given in all the “reports.”

Mary and Dave picked Tom up and brought him home. They’re coming to pick him up tomorrow morning around 9:00. I thought about going with them, but I don’t know if I want to sit in their dust-covered house and eat pizza for 18 hours while Mary takes my picture. I think, though, she’s learned her lesson and knows better about the picture-taking thing, it’s just that I’d be so bored there for that long. We’ll see. It may do me good just to get out and visit. Especially since most of my outings are black-related. To get out and not have to do for the black bitch is a nice change, though either way, I don’t like to go out often.

Tom says that if it’s the part he thinks it is, it’ll cost between $60-$80, but that seems awfully low. Our breakage sprees cost us hundreds if not thousands.

Mary thought the babies were cute, though she wouldn’t want them in her house since she doesn’t like rodents with tails.

She also saw my 11 bottles of chrome nail polish and thought they were neat-looking. I just repolished my nails, doing each one a different color. They’re so long now that it’s hard to type.

I decided that now was a good time to breed Little Buddy and Lady. That way, both sets of babies will be close in age, and I can replace Lady with any solid brown ones they have if they have any. Lady’s just too damn timid. We have enough rats, so I’ll probably just keep one or two from the next batch. I just want Little Buddy to leave descendants behind, though I certainly hope he has at least a year and a half more to live.

I’m just so pissed over this car shit. We should’ve done our grocery shopping today and picked up our mail. Then tomorrow we should be burning. Then in the middle of the month, we should be out shopping. We really could use the things we plan to get, and I’ve been looking so forward to this for so long, but these fucking car costs are really gonna hurt us and prevent us from getting much.

It’s pretty windy out there today. A bit cloudy too, though I don’t expect any serious storms till the monsoon season in July or August.

FRIDAY, APRIL 5, 2002 I asked Tom, and no, there’s no way to lock my whole directory/computer, and no, the pigs couldn’t keep me in jail forever for refusing to give them the key. They’d bluff me, he said, and would try to trick me into giving it to them, but I wouldn’t legally have to and they couldn’t legally detain me.

Some of my nails are so long now that it’s hard to type. Anyway, after this morning, I’m free of the freeloaders till 10 AM Monday. Lucky me!

I’m going to try to maintain a day schedule. Not just because of Teddy Bear, even though I don’t expect to see her for 5 or 6 more weeks, but because we’re going to be doing some shopping in the middle of the month.

I wonder if Teddy Bear remembers my release date.

I know it’s been only a week, but I’m beginning to suspect Tom never mailed Pérez her letter. I mean, I just find it rather hard to believe she couldn’t handle a simple little request like sending a quick note or a lousy postcard. It makes me wonder if I should be the one to mail Teddy Bear’s letter, even if means delaying it a week or so. Then again, if he’s that adamantly against Teddy Bear enough not to mail her letter, then maybe I shouldn’t be mailing it and maybe I shouldn’t be getting together with her at all if that’s the case. He’s shown jealousy before, like when Kim visited. And he knew I wasn’t even attracted to Kim, so I sometimes worry about how he’ll react to my associating with someone he knows I am attracted to.

If being gay is hereditary like the scientists are saying, then I wonder who I inherited my gayness from. If either my parents or my grandparents had had any attraction towards the same sex, there’s no way in hell they’d ever have admitted it. Not in that day and age. Not even if they were all still alive.

It’s really quite amazing that despite the diversity of colors, none of these rats are solid brown like their mother.

THURSDAY, APRIL 4, 2002 And so it was one year ago today that I last saw Palma. I wonder what her life is like now. Was she as prejudiced as Madeline said she was? Or was she truly flattered by my being attracted to her? Did she like me too, like she seemed to? Is she bi, bi-curious, or strictly dickly?

I wonder if she’s in the tents now, too. She’d love that! More people to be in control of.

How nice it is to sit here and see the month of April on the wall calendar I made! But it’ll be even nicer once it says May, cuz that’ll be when I should see Teddy Bear.

If it turns out that I don’t hear from either Teddy Bear or Pérez, then I’ll really suspect Tom never mailed their letters. I’d find it awfully hard to believe that two DOs who liked me would choose to ignore me. I can see Pérez deciding not to write back, but for Teddy Bear to ignore me seems so unlikely.

It also seems unlikely that the cheeks will show up today, but I’d think that next week he will for sure. Who knows, though? Maybe I’m in for another 3 months off from the house calls. Either way, tomorrow we have to lose more time and money to the freeloaders, but while I’m at it, I’m going to spoil myself at Dairy Queen, even though the ice cream I ate yesterday and the day before caught up to me and threw me back up to 119 pounds. Once again, I doubt I’ll get to fit comfortably in those shorts with my shitty willpower.

The babies are so cute and are beginning to look like rats, rather than deformed guinea pigs with large heads and tails, as Tom had described them. They’re eating and drinking, though still nursing. I love the way they play pin the opponent!

I guess summer’s here to stay now, though it’s not very hot yet. The tiny yellow flowers that bloom on some of these bushes are starting to blossom.

I’m sick of encrypting/decrypting my shit. Perhaps I should stick to it, but I’m not sure I want to keep doing it cuz it’s a pain. I guess I just don’t care if the pigs read anything I’ve got to say about this world or the people in it. Maybe I should give them their reading’s worth if they ever saw fit to go through the trouble of seizing this computer. I haven’t written anything that could incriminate me, and either way, I wouldn’t have to if they were out to get me. All they’d have to do is make up their own “evidence.” I’d also be kidding myself if I thought I could simply refuse to tell them my key and that they’d just send me on my merry way once they saw I wouldn’t budge. If you won’t give the pigs what they want, they won’t let you go. So, if they did steal this shit, my only two choices would be to give them the damn key or stay in jail, even if that meant being there forever. Cops bribe people with their freedom all the time.

Maybe there’s a happy medium. Instead of encrypting, maybe I can just use a password for my entire doc directory. Or my entire computer. It’d be a lot quicker to type in a password than to decrypt journals. Those with 150 pages or more take several minutes to encrypt/decrypt.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 3, 2002 I was surprised that this letter of Mary’s was dated 2/28! What took it so long to get to me? I was wondering why she never answered my question about if she wanted both Tom and I to visit or just me. She said both of us would be fine, but I don’t think we’ll get that far if they move her after the 8th, and if that’s the final trial date, then I don’t see why they’d hold her at Estrella much longer than a week at the most. A part of me hopes she gets moved before May. Yes, I’d like to see her, but I don’t want to go through the hassles of waiting forever to see her. I know all too good and well what that’s like and I don’t miss it!

In this letter, she says she was told that Pérez is now in the tents, which explains why she hasn’t gone to M Dorm to claim my letter like I believe she would have if she were still inside. I only hope that my never hearing from her is because she herself chose not to respond to me and not because Tom made the decision for her by not mailing the letter.

I also got some book stuff to type up.

TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2002 Another hour and 20 minutes and I’m officially back on call for the black bitch for 4 hours. I’m beginning to doubt the cheeks will show up this week, but I’m sure he’ll put in his April appearance at some point. I’m really surprised he went 3 whole weeks without bugging me, but the week’s not out yet, so we’ll see.

Because it’s getting closer to my visit with Teddy Bear, I’m going to try to maintain a day schedule as soon as I get on one again. Right now I’m crashing in the late afternoons and getting up around midnight. Tom’s schedule fluctuates more than mine does, believe it or not.

At 117 pounds, I’m noticeably smaller all over, for once and for all. Even my fat ass and neck have shrunk a bit! I still feel chunky, though I know I’m doing real damn good for my age. I wouldn’t complain if I could get to 105, but I doubt I’ll get that low. Maybe 110-115.

My autobiography’s all done, so now I’m just fine-tuning old journals. Damn was I one naïve, confused, contradicting bitch! Going back and forth on my feelings about this one, then about that one. And at the same time I had no confidence, I was brimming with a false sense of hope, believing that one day I’d see my dreams become a reality. Well, I’m glad they didn’t and that things turned out the way they did. I regret certain neighbors, I regret wanting things I couldn’t have as bad as I did, but overall, things turned out for the better.

If I don’t hear from Pérez in the next week or two, then I’ll know I won’t be hearing from her at all. I really doubt I will hear from her, but that’s okay. As long as she got my letter and I was able to really thank her for all her help.

Tom’s picking up a letter today from Mary with 23¢ postage due. Not that 23¢ is any big deal to us, but Tom has to wait in line, and she should know better by now.

I’m looking forward to getting the Ab Force we ordered that sends an electronic pulse, in the way that a stun gun does, to work the ab muscles. It also does arms and legs. I know it’s bullshit as far as weight loss or loss of inches go, but I think it’ll feel good. Especially for lower backaches, even though I’m fortunate enough not to get many of those with the way I work out.

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imolelalade · 11 months ago

Text

Timeline of Love 1960

(Alternate title: Me hyperfixtating on the method and time that Nifemi and HB 1960 [her Earth's variant of Hobie Brown] got together)

Small A/N: This is not Hobie from ATSV but a variant of him, from Earth-1960, my spidersona, Nifemi’s Earth, so he might be a bit OC in a few areas. But I take creative liberty in that. This can also count as an ocxcanon to an extent, if you do not like, do not read.

HB 1960 is a British foreign exchange student, that for some reason decided to move to Nigeria to finish up his studies and whatnot (I’ll clean this up later)

Of course considence, considence Hobie ends up in the same uni as Nifemi

(Quick Nigerian schooling breakdown/ I’ll do a more in depth one later 😙)

Primary School- Reception [3-4 years old] to Year 6 [10 years old]

Secondary School- JS1 [11 years old] - SS3 [16 years old]

University [17 to about 21 depending on your course]

Now, now, Nifemi isn’t the type to fall for looks immediately

She feels like that’s kind of superficial

I mean, she’ll look at someone and think ‘oh they’re cute’ but it’s more of a passing glance thing, you know

So you know how HB gets her?

His accent.

Lawd have mercy, this man’s barely understandable thickk Cockney accent has this girl faster on the floor than you can even process.

I’m talking, she fell in love with his voice before she even got a good look at his face

Basically what happened:

Lecturer: Class, we have a new student joining us today”

HB: ‘Ello bruvs

Nifemi: *down bad speechless before this man even uttered his name*

(I can honestly go on a 3k worded rant about just how fine I think Hobie Brown’s accent is but *sigh* sadly, that shall be for another time)

And Nifemi wasn’t the only one who fell for HB

In my opinion, HB seems like that one guy that every girl in school knows about, and has a crush on, but this man, this rat-bastard of a man, is so fucking oblivious to every advance towards him

I’m talking Adrien Agreste level of obliviousness

Like a random girl would come up to him and flirt with him, but it’s like this guy doesn’t know what flirting is

Meanwhile Nifemi is down bad for this guy

I’m talking staring at this man, lovesick, thinking about this boy, down bad.

HB catches her staring a few times and just finds it kind of silly

“You good luv?”

*nervous nod*

“A'ight”

Miss girl is actually pathetic (I love her so much)

Due to a series of paired group projects and whatnot, they eventually become friends and start hanging out.

Nifemi introduces HB to Bolatito (her little sister) and Miles 1960 (Miles variant and Bolatito’s boyfriend) and the 4 of them become a kind of like quartet. (Boom, friendgroup)

Bolatito, of course, IMMEDIATELY knows that Nifemi has a crush on Hobie:

“Look at you.”

“Biko, free me”

“You liiike him”

“I do not-”

“Hey luvs”

“...”

“Ehen. you were saying?”

HB and Bolatito form this kind of big bro and annoying little sister relationship, so basically Bolatito has already accepted him as part of the family in a way (I’ll explore this further later)

And with the law of association, Hobie and Miles of course become bros (Big bro, Lil’ bro in every universe)

So Bolatito just teases Nifemi and HB continues to remain oblivious to everything

That is until:

HB starts to also have a crush on her.

He just finds her adorable

She gets flustered when he talks to her, like she’s a nervous mess b/c remember this girl is with him for his voice. (LAWD HAVE MERCY HIS VOICE, ARRRGGGHHH *actually on my knees right now*)

Plus despite her being closed off in certain areas

she’s sweet and nice and helpful

But she also takes absolutely no nonsense

No, like she would actually start to rage if you piss her off too much or you’re just being a jerk or a bully

In fact, his crush on her soldified when he saw her cursing the absolute shit out of one of those classic uni idiots

Also without realizing it, Nifemi switches to Yoruba when she gets strong emotions, so basically picture this:

We have Hobie that the only time talks to Nifemi she’s sweet and nice and flustered as hell

And now he sees the same girl cursing the shit out of someone in a language he doesn’t even understand

And girly is going off on this guy

“Oloshi, ṣebe you don’t have sense? Mama no born nothing inside that your head, oloriburuku. S'onsiere ni? Ko ni da fun e…”

Girl is bringing out everything in the book and HB is just like: 😳

My man’s down BAAAD

And so Nifemi and Hobie enter the awkward friend phase

With HB liking her and is unknowingly making this girl so flustered, while still being so fucking oblivious and not realizing that she likes him back

And with Nifemi being too shy and emotionally constipated to actually confess, with the mindset of “Why the hell would he even like me back?”, so just continuing to be a flustered mess around him

And Bolatito and Miles just being lovey dovey in the background and lovingly sharing a bucket of popcorn while watching this trainwreck.

That’s where Bolatito comes in

Girlypop is the wingwoman of wingwomen doing all the classic annoying sister shit:

-Making excuses for all of them to hangout

-Inviting Miles over for “double dates”

-Techflower conveniently “disapperaring” at random times leaving the two oblivious idjits alone

-Bolatito and Miles are basically the Alya and Nino of this universe with Nifemi and HB being Marinette and Adrien.

This continues until finally, finally, HB and Nifemi get the hint and finally get together.

And then 4 of them are all a happy, lovey-dovey friend group

Well, at least until Nifemi’s canon event

But that’s for another post

If you’re still here after all my delusions, thanks for reading😘

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zaptrap · 11 months ago

Note

i also want to ramble a tiny bit abt jay becuz yolo lmao it will also be under the cut (it's mostly replying to stuff u said) (sorry if there's typos)

Jay is such an interesting case of a character for me because I started out the show not liking him. Which is. Stares at my entire account I think my feelings have changed somewhat

DUDE SAME LIKE i barely even thought of jay and then ONE DAY something just? changed?? and ive been obsessed with jay ever since (i wanna say it was either ep8 or rebooted but honestly who knows at this point). like i still love cole, and my 2 favs being besties is so cute 🥺, but jays just like a lil rat and i lov him... Although I do wonder if my favs would be different if i'd gotten into the show at a different time, like if i'd had more time with newer seasons and less nostalgia chaining me to the older ones lmao.

I FORGOT THYE DID THAT TO LLOYD LMAOOOOO THAT POOR KID.... THAT WAS PROBABLY THE 3rd MOST TRAUMATIZING THING FOR HIM AT THE TIME, after his mom leaving him and his dad becoming lego satan

but over the course of the show you can see him start developing into a much more interesting character. He goes from being so insecure he's faking everything about himself to someone who knows who he is and is so genuine about it

dude i love characters who put on a mask/act to hide their problems its so fun digging into why they do that and whats the mask and what isnt and what masks are used for who and how people react to them and etc etc

now yea we could argue about whether his character was too uwu-ified post-season 10 but this is the FUN HAN POST SO WE'RE NOT GONNA TALK ABOUT THAT

jokes on you we ARE TALKING ABOUT THAT, MUHUAHAHAHAHAHA. my personal headcanon is that he just mellowed out after getting older and engaged lmao. or maybe its just his ✨latest persona✨ he's trying out or smth. the whole uwu-jay thing is really funny to me cuz both "whiny comedic relief bastard" and "uwu babu" are some of my fav archetypes in characters so the fact that jay gets to be both is like "yay! 2 cakes!" LMFAO. it was fun seeing him be a lil shit again in DR tho

(i was gonna grab a screenshot for that like i did with the hunted scene but netflix has bloCKED THE ABILITY TO TAKE SCREENSHOTS THE WAY I USED TO and i don't have them already and i'm too lazy to grab them from elsewhere so alas trust me he says it)

(netflix is so annoying dude like omfg)

i don't have any comments on the skybound-to-prime empire pipeline stuff, its all interesting stuff owo. emotional security+role model arc...

Also how was [jay] supposed to know literally all the rest of the groups parents were either dead, presumed dead, or had a toxic relationship with their kid lmao

Jay: ugh parents SUCK am i right? Everyone else: you have parents?

Jay's just fallen from the sky with a messed up eye and is incredibly distraught that all his friends are captured. And his dad just. The woRLD IS FALLING APART AND HE'S EATIN' SOUP-

LMFAO what ep was this from, im assuming skybound?

yea i think that's enough for a tumblr post anyways! If anyone wants any like. More logically thought out and direct thoughts about characters feel free to send me asks this was fun thank u zaptrap for this opportunity to scream about jay

you're very welcome! now make another 🔫/lh also i like how you wrote an entire additional essay in the tags LOL. idk what season lives rent free in my brain but its probably rebooted cuz...well yknow 😂. i like the scifi seasonssssss

---

I do wonder how Jay's gonna be in DR though like, he went from "insecure bastard" to "actually im ok" to "stuck in an eternal office" so like, is he gonna relapse?? does he just need some fresh air?? is nya gonna show up and all his problems are solved??? is he just, still ok but tired from gaming office "work"???? who can say. dude though, with nya already being sora's mentor, and jay already being an inventor, i could totally see them eventually just being her new parents. that'd be so fukin cute 🥺🥺🥺taking in a stray cat

god like there just isnt enough to definitively determine what's up with jay in DR. theres SO many reasons he could be ornery, between the office and annoying coworkers and presumably not seeing nya for what, 5 years????????????????????????????? wait has it actually been 5 years, icr if they ran into each other sooner or not. i think nya said smth about- ok yeah she did [DR1 ep4]

dude what happened to her the past 5 years

ramble about ur favs i wanna hear abt ur thoughts -zaptrap

HAN’S INFODUMPING ABOUT JAY... START!!!!

so like sgdkdhdkdhd I say Jay and Lloyd are my “favorites” but honestly it’s so hard to pick favorites out of this skittles squad like I love EVERY character for a variety of different reasons. I was going to also infodump about Lloyd but then I started talking about Prime Empire and then this post got. Long. So. it's just Jay I may infodump about Lloyd another day especially since I'm very Conduit Brained Rn but yea yea!

this is long so i'm putting most of it under the cut so y'all don't kill me for making a huge long post

I considered putting Zane and Sora on here as well since I’d also consider them my “favs” but like this is already gonna be. A lot of. Infodumping (also i typed THIS part before I even started and decided not to yell about Lloyd because this already got long enough). Maybe I’ll make a separate post for those two hmm hmm much to consider but for now MY (technically) FAVORITE NINJAGO CHARACTER: JAY WALKER

THE SPARKPLUG WHO INVADED MY BRAIN LIKE A PARASITE

so hey his name is a pun this makes me laugh ridiculously hard every time I remember he is named. After a misdemeanor HSKSHDKFH

Jay is such an interesting case of a character for me because I started out the show not liking him. Which is. Stares at my entire account I think my feelings have changed somewhat

Jay starts out as an asshole I don’t think anyone can disagree with me there (although honestly they’re all assholes in early ninjago they bullied a ten year old and left him dangling several feet off the ground) but over the course of the show you can see him start developing into a much more interesting character. He goes from being so insecure he's faking everything about himself to someone who knows who he is and is so genuine about it

now yea we could argue about whether his character was too uwu-ified post-season 10 but this is the FUN HAN POST SO WE'RE NOT GONNA TALK ABOUT THAT the point is you can SEE the growth that Jay has gone through and I am going to show you that growth through what I call

✨ The Skybound to Prime Empire Effect ✨

I AM SO PASSIONATE ABOUT THE IDEA THAT PRIME EMPIRE WAS WRITTEN TO BE A DIRECT PARALLEL OF SKYBOUND AND WAS CENTERED ON SHOWING HOW THE NINJA ESPECIALLY JAY HAVE GROWN THROUGHOUT THE SEASON

when season 12 rolls around we are at the point in Jay's development where he is CONFIDENT in who he is. He's a fun-loving jokester with the power of lightning and the drive to help people whenever he can. He uses jokes and humor to help alleviate tension and get people through whatever's happening. And when on his own what does he do?

BECOME AN ENTERTAINER BABEY

i like to think jay's club in prime empire was a safe haven for anyone stuck in the game who figured out hey. we Can't Leave and felt freaked about it. Also Jay would generally try and spread the word that hey something ISN'T RIGHT HERE which would lead people to want to stay with him

(totally plugging my friend's fic but this kind of thing is explored in would you like to enter prime empire by @finn-m-corvex y'all should check it out cool cool)

also the prime empire shorts which i watched all of in the midst of typing this video cuz i love them go watch them please please please jay was publically fighting the red visors which I imagine may have raised some red flags for some players

THIS SOMEHOW TURNED INTO PRIME EMPIRE INFODUMPING LMAO ANYWAYS Jay's confident! He becomes an entertainer because it's who he knows he is! And it's something that will get people hyped and having fun, which is very in-character for Jay to do! He uses those kinds of things to mask the Bad Things going on and get people remembering what's good

I've talked about this sort of thing before but that's Jay's whole philosophy as early as season 9! Which is a DIRECT contrast to how he views it in season 6, as Nadakhan puts it scarily accurately

"You make jokes to mask the fact that you're afraid"

making jokes to hide your fear and using humor to remind yourself of what's good and coping with the bad are two VERY different outlooks on it

so I think this outlook is what drives him to make this glamrock persona in the first place - this is a bad situation, one he's in with other civilians, and what better way to keep him and themself safe until the others get there than throwing a big performance at a safe place!

also it's just so gender okay I want to look like Superstar Rockin' Jay so badly

it's also interesting to see his outlook on his parents change over time! In season six he finds out Ed and Edna aren't his birth parents and feels upset about it, not understanding why his birth parents would've abandoned him. In season twelve, that outlook changing is EXACTLY why Jay's able to get through to Unagami

"I was abandoned by my parents, too!... I never understood why, and I never had the chance to even ask. But I always hoped there was a good reason. What if there's a reason?"

(again curse you netflix i wanted SCREENSHOTS whatever whatever)

It's this scene that gets Unagami to calm down long enough for Milton Dyer to get there, and presumably is what stops him from just. Flattening him and Jay like a pancake.

to piggyback off of this i absolutely adore how Unagami and Jay consider each other adopted brothers in that one book I still haven't read and I hope he's in Dragons Rising at some point Unagami is my favorite "villain" (no longer a villain) in the whole show he deserves more screentime

like this is where i found out about this and it's plagued my mind ever since. i need to read. this book just for them

SO YEA OKAY Prime Empire is "Who is Jay as a Person Post-Skybound" to me also it opens up so many fascinating things about Jay. I rest my case

so backpedaling a little bit. JAY CARES SO MUCH ABOUT HIS PARENTS GUYS IT'S SO SOFT AND I'M sobs

like yea the first episode with Ed and Edna in it has Jay avoiding them like the plague but this gets explained very easily when you remember he was bullied for his home life before he became a ninja. It makes a lot more sense why he wouldn't want them around his new friends, assuming they'd react the same way. Also how was he supposed to know literally all the rest of the groups parents were either dead, presumed dead, or had a toxic relationship with their kid lmao

(Cole calling his mom kills me. Cole's mom is dead. I know they probably just didn't think that far ahead when writing the dialogue but it's so funny mans pretended to call his dead mom to get on Jay for not appreciating his parents iconic behavior)

anyways literally every episode Ed and Edna are central to (except like the one in skybound) Jay stops at nothing to protect his parents and it means the absolute world to me he's so much like them!! They raised an inventive little nerd and he will stop at nothing to make sure they're safe and it's. It's SO IMPORTANT TO ME OKAY

ALSO this is an excuse to clip my favorite piece of dialogue possibly in the entire show. Except Netflix won't let me now. So you just get the text dialogue

Jay's just fallen from the sky with a messed up eye and is incredibly distraught that all his friends are captured. And his dad just. The woRLD IS FALLING APART AND HE'S EATIN' SOUP-

Ed i love you

anyways

anways anyways this just turned into me rambling about prime empire and then Ed and Edna and a lot of disjointed other stuff but thank you for this opportunity i was going to also ramble about lloyd but i put this post in a word count and

#talking #jay #jay walker #misc #my area of rambling expertise is hypotheticals and AUs vs analysis of concrete info lol

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helisol · 4 years ago

Text

answering the people’s prayers

quark is my poor little meow meow and here is why

me and a friend of mine came to the conclusion that the writers of ds9 accidentally put a seven seasons long tragic character arc into their show without realising and I need to share our findings with you.

*full disclosure the writers for sure didn’t know what they were making but the result is still the same. tragedy.

now you may ask, is calling quark a tragic figure of epic proportions hyperbole? maybe! but also it really isn’t for two reasons:

first is that quark can’t win. throughout the entirety of ds9 he’s in a situation where he just constantly draws the short straw and loses things (and people) and he can’t make it better. those moments in the show probably don’t make the average viewer sad, like in a tragedy, but I’m hoping to unlock some elusive shrimp-color emotions in you with this rant.

anyway second there’s the fact that quark is,,, alone. not in the physical sense. mans literally runs a bar and has tons of friends Co-Inhabitants Of Deep Space Nine I mean nobody understands who and what he is with one notable exception and he can’t tell anyone either because that would defeat the purpose. what purpose is that? well it's complicated but let’s start with that.

in my quodo rant- which you dont have to read but like it might give you more insight on my personal brand of brainrot- I made the same observation that most people make when they look at quark which is “there’s something wrong with this rat bastard”

now many people say that and they mean “this small orange man is a douche and I don’t like him” and like okay you’re not looking at the big picture though

when I say “there’s something wrong with him” I mean this dude is literally repressing his personality and nature so hard that he’s turned it into a performance. into some weird art form. masking so much he made it impossible for anyone to really know his true self. he’s trying to be an ideal version of himself that does not and can not exist.

to quote myself- his own wiki page literally calls him “a compassionate and generous man by ferengi standards” which pretty much translates to “not really a good ferengi” quark is that, a people-person and he loves his friends but he pretends that he is Not any of those things because it's not what a ferengi should be.

and think about it. who needs to conform but the people who are not the thing they’re trying to conform to? who has to try really hard to be something except for people who are not that thing? quark is not a good ferengi but he feels the need to try so very hard to be one.

he tries to conform to every little ideal and rule of acquisition that he grew up with even though 9 out of 10 times he fails. and still he tries to be the ferengi he is not. for what?

it’s a piss poor attempt of trying to hide who he is. he’s a ferengi who doesn’t know how-to-ferengi, but unlike the rest of his family, he hates that about himself.

his mother, brother and nephew all take a certain kind of pride in being #NotLikeOtherFerengi because they’ve found acceptance and love and support. ever notice how quark has pretty much none of those things?

rom has his engineering, a brilliant son, his mother’s love and a wife who adores him- and he ends up becoming the grand fuckin nagus!

what does quark have? well he doesn’t get his mother’s full support, his brother and the general public regard him as a ’loveable asshole’ at best, and even his actual friends don’t really think twice when talking shit about him.

quark, fundamentally, is the same as his family. he does not and can not be a good ferengi because it’s not in his nature. they’re simply built different. but unlike his family he wasn’t born with the understanding that that’s okay.

he doesn’t think it’s okay to be different because when deviancy comes to light bad things happen to him. it started from when he got made fun of because of his mothers liberal attitude and it continued when rom got ripped off in the marriage contract situation because he fell in love (which Normal Ferengi don’t do) and brought further ridicule over their family.

even though it’s not necessarily true as demonstrated by his family’s success story quark believes that deviancy gets punished, not rewarded.

that’s the first tragic thing- he IS a deviant. he DOES care about his family and his friends and he wants to be loved and to have something to be proud of. profit is secondary to him. he just can’t admit it, ever.

it’s not that hard to piece together that quark genuinely doesn’t like himself. Ferengi Love Songs really highlights that with him becoming depressed after a big part of what helped him keep up appearances as ‘a good ferengi’, his commerce license, is taken away from him.

everything he does in that episode is in service of a) getting that commerce license back and more importantly b) BEING COMFORTED. his life sucks at the moment! he would really like some support!

he wants someone to hold his face and say “you know, it’s okay that your license is gone. you don’t need it.” because maybe if someone did that he could drop the act and stop trying so hard to be a good ferengi.

but what does he get? what does he have at the end of the episode? a minor conflict with his mother was resolved, but he has to keep up his performance. the charade never ends for him!

he can’t admit to anyone that he’s aware he’s different. he’s waiting for them to figure him out. and nobody ever does. because nobody cares for quark enough to really see him and go “I know what you’re doing, you can stop now”

...

except! for! odo!

this is not quodo rant 2.0 so I’m gonna keep this brief but odo does understand him. the problem is just that odo ALSO can’t admit that he’s not what he makes himself out to be.

he sees what quark is doing but instead of saying “you can stop pretending now. we can both stop.” he uses quark as a way to keep up his own act.

in my mind there’s no talking about Quark without Odo since they’re both doing this performance of ideal selves together, but I’ll get back to that later.

so we can all agree that quark is in a very bad situation when it comes to how he feels about himself and the world around him. my friend described it as a reverse-corruption arc (or a straight up corruption arc from the ferengi perspective) in which quark, over the years, becomes more and more influenced by the hoo-mans.

in and of itself this is a great arc, since he’s turning into a more moral person and it makes him an interesting character but what people may not consider is that it is AGONISING TO HIM.

he HATES his own character arc and he is being dragged through it kicking and screaming internally. quark literally says so in Ferengi Love Songs. I hear his delivery of “I’ve fought against it, I really have.” and I go ape shitt because that’s really just it huh. quark is fighting every step of the way to not show his real natural self to the world out of fear of getting hurt.

and the real tragedy is that nobody on the station notices or understands why he’s struggling so hard. except for one guy who is also his fucked up ‘partner in the struggle to hide ourselves’ and who he can’t talk to about his feelings because if he did it would be admitting that they’re friends and not just a cop and a criminal.

his family just says “well, why are you struggling, we’re also not good ferengi and we’re Fine” and his friends say “well, it would be good, actually, if you stopped acting like a ferengi”

and he is all. alone. with this struggle.

that’s tragedy baby.

but what is also tragedy is how this plays out in the actual show.

most of what I’ve said is like. subtext mixed with some visions I got from an angry god. but let’s discuss the fact that if you accept quark’s internal struggle as tragic his whole story becomes a tragedy.

I mentioned at the start that ‘Quark can’t win’- what that means is just that, like in any good tragedy, no matter what actions quark takes he ends up having to deal with negative consequences.

Jadzia, the only person who openly declared herself as his friend ignoring the weird romantic shit because fuck that and Odo who I WILL straight up call his love interest because we all hate rick berman here both just leave in some abstract sense.

jadzia ‘coming back’ as ezri means she’s not entirely dead, but she isn’t really as interested in him now. that hurts. their whole relationship is different and he couldn’t prevent it.

and with odo he did try to prevent it, I think. see my quodo rant where I go on about this in more detail but in the ds9 finale quark essentially goes “if you’re going to leave me, you better give me a real goodbye” in the hopes that maybe odo would either give him closure or just not go. but he does. he loses odo as well.

quark, the guy who said "I've made a career out of knowing when to leave" in the FIRST EPISODE watches as the most important people in his life just go away.

he’s been on ds9 for well over 20 years and he will stay for forever while everyone around him leaves.

am I the only one who thinks about this and just wants to punch a hole in the wall to feel manly again? like HELLO???

and this isn’t even mentioning all the shit he has to cope with in terms of material loss. you may think that losing people would be more important but remember this man has a masters degree in Pretending To Be A Ferengi because it's the only thing that he can hide behind.

quark spent his whole life acting like the perfect ferengi to fit into a society that would reject his true nature.

the fact that he has to try so hard still makes the society reject and punish him and it makes him miserable.

and if that wasn’t enough. when all the wars and all the great losses are over. the society starts to change because it’s now run by his brother.

everything quark used to define himself and tried to be a part of just starts to vanish in front of his eyes and he has to realise that, in the end, he denied himself all these years for NO REASON.

in the future, nobody will care if he fits the old ferengi ideals. in the future, the perfect ferengi is going to be the opposite of what quark pretended to be all this time.

he can’t fucking win. no matter what he does fate or the universe or the wormhole aliens or his own mother will change the status quo to make quark unable to fit in.

do you see? do you see why he’s my poor little meow meow? it’s because this is a sad little man and whenever he tries to do what he thinks is right the world says ‘no actually we’ll be taking something you use to comfort yourself with you sad little man’

and the worst offender. I swear I’m not gonna talk about quodo for too long. is what the writers did with odo and him.

the writers probably did not think of quark as a tragic figure the way I do. how do I know?

if the writers were aware that they were creating a tragic figure with an amazingly rich character arc and an insanely complex internal struggle… they would not have made it Quark. they would have used a generically hot alien. because honestly people who don’t have brainworm are not gonna appreciate this shit if the character they’re looking at is an orange capitalist gremlin with giant ears. I don’t blame them. but it is what it is.

so the writers wrote this incredibly cool thing on accident and also stuck the landing.

because odo leaving… fucking hurts.

even if you don’t view them as romantic which is fair you Have to see that quark and odos relationship is special. they’ve been doing this dance for decades at this point, and at the very end odo turns away from quark without a word.

in the moment where quark opens himself up just enough to allow odo to do the same he goes “welp, I’ll be on the runabout, see you never again” and like Yeah obviously it's because odo is still a repressed nerd who can't talk about his feelings but that doesn’t change the fact that this is perhaps the worst thing that could happen to quark.

like, it’s the first and only and last time he does it. even in The Ascent they don’t actually verbally confront the fact that their relationship is far more friendship-like than it is antagonistic. and in the finale there’s this opportunity where he takes action and goes after odo his best friend his enemy because he wants to have something before he too goes away forever-

and the writers said “but it doesn’t happen. he doesn’t get to have it.”

in summary I am rattling the bars of my cage. quark is so hot.

#Did you ever hear the tragedy of Quark? well now you have #ds9 #deep space nine #quark #odo #and yknow its also quodo #my writing

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littlemisspascal · 4 years ago

Text

Death and an Angel part 9

Helmetless + Death!Din x Cupid F!Reader

Summary: You make a promise to Din before you leave to meet with your superiors, but will you be able to keep it?

Rating: T

Word Count: 2,976

Warnings: fluff, the angst is back people, protective and possessive Din, your superiors are assholes, overuse of italics, swearing, plot plot plot

Author Note: All the love to every single supporter out there! Don’t hate me too much for this segment please.

Links to Part 1 and Part 8 and Part 10

Cross-posted on AO3.

Photo Inspiration:

“I’m going with you, angel.”

In exactly one hour, you’re due to report back to headquarters. You’ve been loathing this meeting from the get-go, but now, after being matched with Din, the mere thought of leaving him is as painful as a physical blow. You wish you had more time to revel in his heated kisses, the touch of his hands against your skin, the low growls he elicits when you run your nails through his curls.

Deep down, you know as immortal beings you will have an eternity to experience all of these thrills together. But right now the bond you two share as soulmates doesn’t care about the future, only the present. In your mind, it resembles a sapling soaking up every ounce of affection it can from you and Din, craving more and more intimacy in order to become stronger. Just thinking about being separated from him, even for only a short while, makes your chest hurt something fierce, as if a bundle of thorns has become wrapped around your heart.

Din is not immune to the effects of the soulmate bond either. Since his return to Arvala-7 he has not let you out of his sight for longer than thirty seconds. Anyone else, you would have been annoyed by the incessant staring, but with Din you only feel desired and, as sappy as it sounds, cherished in a way you’ve never felt before.

Which makes it all the harder to meet his gaze right now, frowning as you shake your head at him.

“Din, you can’t,” you say quietly, praying your voice doesn’t break because you know it will trigger his overprotectiveness and then you’ll helplessly melt into a puddle of warm emotions. “Only Cupids are allowed at headquarters. No outsiders allowed, not even Death.”

His jaw clenches, displeased by your rebuttal, but his fingers are gentle as they trail across your cheeks. That’s another thing you’ve noticed since he’s reunited with you: his gloves have yet to make a reappearance. It’s like now that you and the universe have assured him of your requited feelings, his iron walls of self-control have crumbled to dust, revealing a lonely, touch-starved soul who has long been told he could never physically connect with someone without the risk of killing them and is now desperate to make up for the lost time.

With this in mind, each time he initiates contact, you always make sure to return the gesture with as much affection as you can muster, whether that be by deepening his kisses or by intertwining your fingers tightly with his when he reaches for your hand. Or, such as in this instance where the two of you are lying together and cuddling on Kuiil’s bed, you take advantage of him having removed his full suit of armor to curl closer against his chest, nuzzling your head beneath his chin.

The Ugnaught had taken Din’s return in stride when he and IG-11 had paused their farmwork outside to check up on you about twenty minutes ago. Upon seeing them, Din had started to untangle himself from you so he could stand to greet them. His lack of urgency to conceal his face surprised you initially, but then you recalled Kuiil already knew Din resembled a human male, meaning at some point during their friendship Din had become comfortable enough to not wear his helmet around him. Petty jealousy swirls inside of you, upset you’re not the only one who knows Death’s true face, but you squash the ridiculous emotion not even a second later. If anyone is worthy enough of seeing Din’s true self, it’s Kuiil.

Before Din could get to his feet, Kuiil had merely shaken his head, saying he didn’t want to interrupt your time together when he knew you had to leave soon. Which is what prompted Din to insist upon himself accompanying you to headquarters.

“I don’t want you anywhere near those bastards,” he mutters darkly, lines of frustration forming ridges along his forehead. He still hasn't forgiven Hess for causing you to have a panic attack.

You wrap your fingers around his wrist, not with the intention of stopping his soothing ministrations, but instead grounding yourself in the moment using the skin-on-skin contact. Perhaps, you acknowledge privately to yourself, he’s not the only touch-starved soul in the room. I don’t want to be near them either, you want to tell him. Let’s fly away together on the Crest, somewhere far, far away...

Instead, you force yourself to say with the same carefully even tone, “The meeting should just be an hour or two, then they’ll make me take a reassessment test about Cupid regulations which I’ll pass easily.” You lift your head to peck the bridge of his prominent nose before holding up your pinky finger. “And by later this evening, I’ll be right back here in your arms. Pinky promise.”

Din stares at you for several heartbeats, stubbornness lingering in his gaze before at last he exhales a quiet sigh of surrender. He wraps his pinky around yours, squeezing tightly.

“I thought leaving you behind here was the hardest thing I’d ever have to do, but this—letting you go face them alone and knowing I can’t intervene—it’s a pain I’d only wish upon my worst enemies.”

You want to say something lighthearted, a teasing remark to ease the heavy tension in the room and make that stunning smile of his light up the space instead. Maybe, if you’re funny enough, you can make his precious and lone dimple appear in his cheek so you can press your lips to it. But your words get trapped in your throat, forming a lump that won’t go down no matter how hard you swallow.

You are equally as surprised as you are grateful when Din continues to speak.

“You’re my soulmate, angel, so when I swear these next words to you, I want you to have no doubt I mean them with absolute sincerity,” he says, a possessive and darkly seductive note creeping into his voice that has you instinctively biting your lip to keep yourself from moaning embarrassingly. “If anyone dares to keep you from me even a second longer than what is strictly necessary, I will stain the ground with their blood and reap their soul from their body so slowly they’ll weep for damnation.”

~~~

Headquarters is kriffing freezing.

That’s the first thing you notice when you step inside, goosebumps immediately rising along your arms and a shiver racks your spine as you navigate the maze of hallways towards the center of the building where the conference room is located. Every footstep reverberates off the black marble floors, but the sound isn’t loud enough to prevent you from overhearing the whispering voices of other Cupids watching you pass by, gossiping about your impending interrogation. You’d be angry at them, except that would make you a hypocrite since you’ve also spread a rumor or two about your coworkers in the past. You can feel an increase of anxiety rush through your bloodstream, making you stuff your hands into your pockets lest anyone sees them trembling and laughs.

Your three superiors are already seated and waiting in the conference room when you arrive. You make eye contact with each one, bowing your head as both a greeting and sign of respect. Lang, a dark-haired man who is known for shooting first and asking questions later, offers you a jaunty salute before lacing his hands behind his head as he balances his chair on its rear legs, the image of relaxation. Morgan Elsbeth, the only female of the trio, elects to ignore you in favor of boredly drumming her fingers on the glass tabletop, looking as if she’d rather be anywhere else in the galaxy than here. Hess returns the nod with a leering grin, further convincing you he was half-womp rat in his mortal life.

You reach for the chair closest to you, planning to pull it out to sit, when Hess’ low, gravelly voice has you freezing mid-motion. “Cupid 1-1-7, you are to remain standing for the duration of this meeting.”

“Yes, sir,” you say, clasping your hands behind your back.

Hess turns in his seat towards the holoprojector that is set up on the table. He presses several buttons and a holographic figure flickers into view, dressed in dark armor with a long black cape. You recognize the seraph immediately, never able to forget the first face you saw when you woke up as a Cupid. Moff Gideon is the supreme leader of all Cupids, imposing and sharp-witted with violent powers you’ve often heard described as barbarically ruthless. Everything about him terrifies you and you’ve done all you can to avoid being in his presence.

Only now there is no escaping him. You can’t even teleport to save yourself. When headquarters was initially built, Gideon infused his powers into its structure with the intent of protecting the building from being discovered or, worse, attacked. (Though who would want to battle a bunch of Cupids, you have no idea). However, to the detriment of all Cupids currently inside headquarters, Gideon’s enchantment also blocks any of you from using your abilities. According to him, it’s to prevent any power-sensitive beings from detecting your aura signatures and you’ve never wanted to risk being murdered to try and find a flaw with that logic.

To put it bluntly, you’re a regular human in every sense except you get to keep your immortal youthfulness. Which is literally the least helpful perk you could ask for right now.

“Cupid 1-1-7,” Gideon says, dark eyes peering at you with such focused intensity you feel sweat begin to form along your hairline. “You were granted forty-eight hours to determine your client’s soulmate. Tell us, were you successful in finding his match?”

“I—” you cut yourself off, noticing his use of a gender specific term.

He chuckles at your dumbfounded expression, a quiet huff of air that you quickly deem the scariest sound you’ve ever heard. “You may have been able to conceal Death’s identity as your client from my associates, but few incidents occur in the galaxy without my knowing about them.”

Your three superiors each display unique reactions to the reveal. Morgan’s drumming stops, attention now hooked by the present conversation and she gives you a once-over, clearly reconsidering her overall impression of you. Lang nearly falls backwards onto the floor, barely managing to correct the chair at the last second to balance himself. Hess props his chin on top of his interlocked fingers, observing you in a similar fashion as Morgan, but there is an eerie glint in his gaze you don’t like the look of.

You swallow thickly, feeling sick to your stomach. “What do you want from me, sir?”

“The full and honest truth.” There is a brief pause, increasing the tension in the room. “Were you successful in finding Death’s soulmate?”

You don’t understand why he’s asking you the same question twice when he’s admitted he’s practically omniscient. And the way he’d paused just now, makes you start to worry he’s baiting you into a trap, but you have no viable means of escaping to avoid giving him an answer.

Your voice comes out meeker sounding than you’ve ever heard it. “Yes, sir, I was successful.”

When it becomes apparent after a long beat of silence you are not going to admit any further information, Gideon levels you with a stern look. “I strongly urge you to reveal their identity to us, Cupid 1-1-7, so we may make note of them in our archives as is customary for all matched pairs.”

Well now that makes you definitely feel cornered. Your thoughts are a jumbled mess inside your head; half of you is convinced he already knows you are Din’s soulmate and is toying with you, while the other half believes he actually has no idea at all and is trying to scare you into revealing the truth.

Kriff. What do you do?

You stare over their heads at the far wall, uncomfortably aware of how the silence stretches on as they wait for a name. Your name. Maker, why do you keep ending up in these horrible scenarios? Who did you piss off in your mortal life?

“If your tongue has failed you,” Gideon says, tone deceptively light and airy. “Might I suggest that an alternative way of answering would be to show us your hands.”

He knows.

Kriff. Kriff. Kriff.

You continue your staring contest with the wall, refusing to let them see any indication your blood has turned to ice or that your lungs are on the verge of collapsing. Think, you rack your brain frantically. For Maker’s sake, think of something .

“You’re already in hot water, Cupid 1-1-7,” Lang says. His southern accent softens the words, but you still manage to detect the warning laced within them. “Don’t make it worse for yourself by being stubborn.”

As much as you loathe to admit it, Lang has a point. By continuing to resist, you’re only hurting yourself by increasing the time spent separated from Din. You don’t want to break your promise to him. Or, that little voice in the back of your mind chips in, cause Din to destroy Kuiil’s farm out of a panic-induced rage when you don’t show up tonight like you promised you would.

Inhaling a deep breath to steady your nerves, you hold out your marked hand, palm facing up to clearly display the soulmate marking. The little black heart almost seems to glow at being the center of attention.

“That is impossible,” Morgan murmurs, looking from your hand to her colleagues and back again. “No one can have two soulmates.”

“And yet here we have living proof contradicting that belief,” Gideon answers, gesturing towards you grandly with both arms. There is something in his voice—awe, you identify a second later—that has your body instinctively stiffening.

“That belief is the natural order of the universe.” Morgan’s voice is snappish, but outwardly she is her calm and collected self, not a single strand of hair out of place. “She is a deviation of the norm. A glitch.”

“If other Cupids find out about her,” Hess begins, pointing a finger at you like the others have no idea who he’s talking about. Like you’re not able to hear every word. “They’ll start thinking maybe there’s a second soulmate out there somewhere for them too, someone to replace the one who rejected them in their mortal life. They’ll start questioning the natural order, the foundation of our galactic society, and all those questions will only lead to one thing: unrestrained chaos.”

“In order to prevent that unfavorable outcome, I would like to encourage a moment of observation.” Gideon looks to someone out of range of the holoprojector, nodding his head once in confirmation. “Take one last long look for Cupid 1-1-7 is a unique anomaly you may never have the chance of seeing again.”

You blink, heart going still as the implication registers. “What?”

Before anyone can answer or scold you, a purple-skinned twi'lek Cupid you don’t recognize casually enters the conference room, like she isn’t guilty of intruding on a private meeting. Almost as if...someone had summoned her. Your gaze darts briefly to Gideon, suspicions confirmed when you see his smirking face, before looking back at the twi’lek drawing closer.

“It’s time for your reassessment test. I’m here to take you there,” she tells you, baring her fanged teeth in what you think is supposed to be a smile, but it lacks any warmth or friendliness. You can only stare back at her, every cell in your body screaming this isn’t right. You shouldn’t need an escort to the testing room.

“I can go by myself,” you protest, holding your ground.

She lunges forward with lightning-quick reflexes, seizing your elbow and leaning disturbingly close into your personal space. “Pity,” she says, feigning a pout. “I thought we could become friends.”

Something sharp pricks your arm. You first notice the mischievous gleam in her dark eyes, and then when you look down, you discover a needle being pulled out of you arm. The room starts to spin, fuzzy black spots appearing in the corners of your vision, and you sag against the wall, balance failing you.

Closing your eyes, you try to focus on your soulmate bond, calling out to Din as the numbing sensation spreads to your feet and you collapse onto the floor without an ounce of grace.

Then, distant and distorted, as if it is coming from somewhere underwater hundreds of miles away, you hear a responding cry, “Angel!”

Din. Oh, thank the Maker, you think hysterically. The delicate line between reality and imagination shifts and blurs, as if it also is succumbing to the drug’s influence. You feel his hands clutch at your face, then move to your shoulders, shaking you in an effort to force your eyes open. You want to see his beautiful face, even if it is merely an illusion, but your eyelids feel as if they suddenly weigh a hundred pounds each.

“Tell me where you are,” he demands, tightly gripping your arms to the point of pain. “I’ll come save you, just tell me where I can find you.”

The answer is on the tip of your tongue, only your mind starts to drift again, pulling you away from him towards unconsciousness. Your bond's strength wavers, unable to keep the connection stable across the lengthy distance separating you and him, and it begins to curl in on itself.

Din must notice this, too, screaming so loudly it verges on roaring, “Stay with me, angel! Please, just stay with—”

The last thing you think of before everything goes black is how much you hate breaking your pinky promise to him.

Tag List: @leilei-draws, @theocatkov, @vintagesaph, @stardust-and-starlight, @adrieunor, @remmyswritings, @gallowsjoker, @rhiannon-russo, @randomness501, @sylphene, @softly-sad, @maytheglitter, @melobee, @rogertaylorsfalsettogivesmehives, @eleinemk, @captain-jebi, @aerynwrites, @promiscuoussatan, @stilllivindue2spite, @coaaster, @lin-djarin, @becauseican2, @kay2304, @odelia-d32, @nicotinebirds

#din djarin x you #din djarin x reader #din x you #din x reader #death and an angel #my fic #Din Djarin #the mandalorian #pedro pascal #pedro pascal character fanfiction #my writing #soulmate au #mandalorian x reader

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damselofblueroses · 3 years ago

Text

The Children of Paradise

Summary: Set three years after the Rumbling, a young captain of Paradise Island, Anna Doukaina suddenly learned that her husband alive during the Paradisian Revolution.

Warnings: MANGA SPOILERS AND ESPECIALLY CHAPTER 139, Descriptions of Depression and Grief, Mentions of Death, Emotional Hurt. Progress of the fiction contains nsfw / Smut, minors please do not.

Note: The idea of Paradisian Revolution and the transformation of Historia Reiss are the offspring of my imagination, I would like to think about how would Levi's aftermath of the Rumbling be in my head after I read chapter 139 :)

Word Count: 6.7k

Chapter 1: Misery of the Sea

The sky on the horizon was not dark at all.

It was shot with crimson, like a splash of blood.

And the ashes blew towards us with the salt wind from the sea.

“Just a retired one.” I said to myself in quietly. “Just like you.”

It did not help to inflate my ego and bolstering my self-confidence. I looked at to my hands, were they still in crimson, after I have been washing them over and over again?

They were pale as the moonlight, there were no single spot which was dirty on my body. I have been scrubbing my skin like wanting to tear myself from my mortal and sinner flesh since years, being a clean freak was just a default feature of my contract.

I made that deal long time ago.

When there was no white in my hair.

I could still recall the memories of selling my life. If Commander Smith could hear one of us, he would correct our words as devoting ourselves, our hearts to the salvation of humanity, however, even he knew that all of us were lying. Those high hopes, from the morons who wanted to serve humanity to the daydreamers who thought the war could be ended were buried under six feet, their remains already had to be become manures.

All of them became tools of nutrition; some of them for titans, some of them for animals, some of them for plants.

But in the end, the circle of life just continues.

And there we go. Again.

I was rubbing my hands to each other. I hate the weight of weapon, after I had to use them against humans. Against my team members, against my squad, against my friends.

In the end, the circle of war just continues.

I did not sign the deal for killing my comrades, my friends, my family. I was taught to destroy the fucking titans, not my kind.

How was I ended up in Military Police?

That was the biggest mystery of my life. I was ranking around 13th, I did not want to be in MP, therefore, I chose to wear the cape by myself. That was my bloody agreement.

I wanted to have my own wings.

When I remember that 14 years old girl, I could not help but smile at her naiveness. Her hopes. Her desires. Her dreams and loses.

I was a fool who believed humanity could be saved from the fate pending on it. Sometimes I could hear that girl’s voice in my head, lecturing me on how I could help the others, how I could be useful for humanity.

Humanity can go and fuck themselves.

I had no debt for people, I had already given to them everything I have.

So why the heck you are here, holding a rifle and targeting a high ranked commander of Yeagerist Unit?

My answer was so simple. I did not have anything to prove to those rats over the streets, but I hated to live in a new war. My war was ended when Eren Yeager and his rumbling were defeated, my war was ended when I saw that girl, Mikasa Ackerman’s endless longing for Eren Yeager, poor girl was spending her days and nights just for being with a ghost, a memory.

My war was ended when the Titan Curse was broken.

I was mourning for the people I lost since I was 10 years old. Losing my beloved ones started before I joined into the army when my entire town was smashed by an unexpected titan attack. They reported the incident like this, unexpected, if someone could expect a titan attack. I still had nightmares which composed by the screams of my friends and my family.

Worst… My little sister’s.

There were a few of survivors, a cousin of mine, me, two neighbours and a father, a grandma, four kids, a baby, and my grandpa.

We moved to Shiganshina before its doom before that those shit-faces Reiner and Berthold attacked to there. My grandpa died after one year when we started a life in the suburbs of Shiganshina.

I was all by myself.

There was two options ahead of me, join the army or work as a maiden. There was a shortage of jobs where I could work as a handmaid, so I went to the registration. I had to find a shelter for myself, there was no one who could take care of me, I had no one who I could trust on. I had to join into military if I wanted to live even for couple of days more.

Commander Smith would be rolled on the other side in his grave, but I never devote my heart to a fucking noble aim or shitty high hope.

I just did what I had to do in order to survive.

But survivingcosted me everything I had.

I was around 11 years old when they took me into the training and since then my heart became a graveyard of my beloved ones.

To my dismay, I had a perfect memory. I remember almost every day of my life, beyond, even the little details that were given to me, Hange and I were not very close for nothing.

Hange…

I was mourning for my friends. My comrades. My companions. My lover.

Nonchalantly I touched my left ring finger and rubbed it before pulled the trigger.

Why I am here and continuing to fight?

My war had not been ended yet. I was mourning but I refused to mourn for those people who died for their purposes. That’s why I was pulling the trigger, putting my life at risk again and killing that bastard with a single bullet.

I knew that my comrades were still watching me above, I would do everything to make them proud. That’s why I was still fighting back with a world where it was extremely cruel.

I used the bricks as a natural shield for myself and disassembled the rifle as fast as possible.

“That was for Hange, you bastards.” I murmured to myself. “She did not die to see Paradis under the yoke of your crazy queen.”

I could feel that Hange was nodding at my words just like she was standing next to me. I knew that no one from my comrades could approve this world where Historia Reiss ruled and transformed it to another planet only to fight.

Tatakae, was our motto. Tatakae, was our national anthem. Tatakae, tatakae, tatakae.

I remembered once I have heard this from Eren Yeager when they kept him into the prison, when Hange went to see him.

He was repeating tatakae like a chant, but I was sure he did not sacrifice everything he had just to see a mad queen on the throne of Paradis, or the army that was named as Yeagerists and divided into new units.

What did it mean? Being a Yeagerist?

Supporting mass genocide or sacrificing yourself for a plan?

For me both options were not the best ones, but if I had to prefer, I would sacrifice myself for a plan like breaking the titan curse.

But in my understanding, there was no place to the toleration of a control freak queen and her decisions to start another endless war.

That’s why I was walking around my second destination today. I was very famous of my quietness, speed and logic especially when it came to assassinate someone.

I learned every trick and move from a retired criminal.

I was like a sculpture on his hands, and he craved me till I became exactly what he wanted.

I sat on the edge of roof and started to count.

Revolution, we call this. Revolution.

I pulled my trigger again and did not bother to see the result. I knew that I killed two important commanders, and I was going to kill the last name for today. The headmaster of the palace, Edward Strauss, then I could go back to the home.

Liberty, we call our aim. Liberty.

Have we ever got a proper taste of liberty?

Have we ever got close to be free?

Have we ever reached a point where we could live far away from the sounds of broken bones, the smell of blood?

Have we ever just enjoyed our lives and let ourselves to live freely?

“That was for Levi.” I whispered before started to walk again. As always, saying his name was the hardest one. I had any idea about his life, I even did not know if he was living or not after the explosion, but I always made sure that naming him among my beloved ones.

He was.

“Please, join me, Captain Doukaina.”

I smiled to the young, energetic blonde boy who was sitting on the bench by himself in the middle of night. His ocean blue eyes were not as same as the time we met.

“You are grown up, huh, Armin?” I bestowed my hand to him. His face was brightened. “I have heard your stories enough for a life-time.”

“I tried to do my best.” he was modest as he was a trainer. “But my best was not enough to save everyone.”

Poor kid. He was still in pain of losing his friends. Eren and Mikasa were the closest thing to a family for him. His shelters. I remembered the day when they went under the yoke of Shadis. Armin was really tiny to be compared with a lot of boys instead of Eren, Jean or even Connie.

“It was not about your efforts.” I was very honest. “All of you did your best, but you cannot challenge to some paths. You knew better than me.”

“Yeah.” he beamed. “I learn the paths with all my heart, Captain.”

I remembered this kid was one of the nines…

“Armin,” I raised one hand. “Can you stop calling me as captain? I already dropped the titles I had once. Call me Anna. Just Anna.”

“Okey, Anna.” he tried my name on his tongue just like my name was tangy. “It is a little bit hard; you know.”

“Old habit never dies.” I beamed to him, enough to made him blush a little bit more. “So, how was your day before I bumped into you?”

“Extreme.” he smiled. “I am trying to deal with two lieutenants who do not want to cooperate with us, however they already joined into the resistance. I cannot let them go as they know so much.”

“What do you think to do?”

“I am going to persuade them.” he burrowed his eyebrows. “I wish the things could be different, but we are still in war.”

“Who are these two lieutenants?” I murmured. “If they will not change their minds after your speech, maybe we have to go for different tricks.”

“One of them is Lieutenant Arya Springer, a distant cousin of Connie; the other one is Lieutenant Johann Willenburg.”

“I know Willenburg.” I sighed. “A total blockhead.”

“Well, he is one of the best shooters.” he pinched the bridge of his nose. “There was nothing I could do when he wanted to join since he has a strong reputation.”

“Yeah, these guys are so stubborn when it comes to fucking reputation.” I exhaled. “They want all the heroes in their team.”

��I could kill someone to have Captain Levi in my team.” Armin laughed. “But he rejected to come back with us.

I stared at Armin like I could not see him anymore. His words were echoing in my mind like a severe, horrendous, and horrific chant that had given hope to the audience, hoping that everything was going to be okey at the end.

“Cap- Anna?” he reached to me. “Anna, are you okey? Shit, you look like on the verge of fainti-

“Armin.” I grabbed his hand with all my strength. “Armin, tell me, is Levi alive?”

“Yes, he is.” he gave me a weird look. “He is in Marley, living with Gabi and Falco, do you remember those two Marleyan kids?”

Levi is alive.

“He did not contact with me.” I murmured to myself. I was not seeing Armin for real, I felt dizzy, my heart was pounding, my breathing pace was quickening, my blood was rushing in my veins. “Why did he not alert me?”

“How much you know about Captain?” Armin carefully interrogated. “I mean after the Titans war?”

“I only know the explosion because of that fucking monkey.” I hissed. I cannot feel my legs. “My knowledge is little, I could not learn anything, there was no one to tell me.”

“Do you want to learn?”

“What kind of question is that Armin?” I yelled without control. “I want to learn what the fuck happened to that bastard!”

“He does not want to be back, because he is not the Captain Levi Ackerman anymore. At least he thinks like that.”

“Ha?”

“After the explosion, Captain Hange found him, actually saved him from Floch and Yelena. To sum up, he was healed, he was still fighting when we ended the war, but his all body is covered with scars, he lost one eye and two fingers, in addition he has some problems with his legs. He uses a wheelchair time to time.”

My chin was dropped into the ground while my soul was leaving my body.

“So?” I heard my voice. “But he is alive, right?”

“Yes, he is.”

“And he thinks we do not need him anymore.” my brain started to function again. “Son of a bitch, he believes that we could not need him.”

“Exactly.” Armin approved. “At least this is what I believe also. I mean, I tried to have a civilized conversation with Captain, but you know how he is. He just sent me off.”

“You cannot have civilized conversations with Levi Ackerman.” I looked at him by gaining my self-control again. “Armin, you are the leader of this resistance. I want to go and drag him back.”

“Ha?” I knew I caught him guard off, but I really had no fucks to give.

“I am going to Marley.” I stood up. “If he thinks he can save his ass from this hell, he is wrong.”

“He does not want to s-

“He is going to see me.” I cut the shit off. Although his words, Armin was watching me with an admiration. “He owes me, you do not know how much he owes me.”

“How much he owes you?” he asked diligently. This was something about Armin, he was always so careful catching the nuances.

“A life.” I was not a sweet talker; I have never been till now. I suddenly scrubbed the wraps on two of my fingers like I have been doing every time I had talked about Levi. “If you will not let me to go, I have no choice but break some bones of your body, so you cannot prevent me.”

“You cannot across the sea without the documents in need, money and protection.” Armin raised his hands. “I do not object you, if you think you can bring Captain Levi back, I fully approve that. But you ne-

“I already have everything you mentioned. I have money, I can protect myself better than anyone can do for me, and I possess the documents, my identification card, my health report and insurance. Marley wants to see them, right?”

“Yes.” Armin nod but it was very clear he was surprised. “Since when you prepared all of these?”

“Do not make a wrong deduction.” I inhaled. “I did not prepare them in order to flee if I have to. My brother is one of the soldiers who chose to stay in Marley, I keep those documents because I wanted to be organized.”

“Well…” Armin stood up. “I guess there is no way to stop you, you will do what you decide on. I give you my consent, no better than this, I command you as the leader of resistance. Go and escort Captain Levi back to Paradise.”

“Your wish is my command.” I groaned and shook his hand. He was a little bit confused, he hesitated to send me over, but he exactly knew that he could not halt me.

Nothing can avert me from my way at this point.

My blood was boiling, I felt like someone was choking me. I could not believe that Levi was still alive and to my dismay he let me to think he was dead.

I spent last three years to mourn for him, and he did not bother himself to let me he is alive.

I rushed back to my little flat where the memories really became a burden. Every night was another nightmare in this place, every piece of the area carried something belonged to Levi.

I really cannot recall every minute I whimper his name, crying and longing for him.

And he did not let me know.

Since when he became a selfish bastard like this?

How could he?

I grabbed some clothes, the basic requirements in need, some food, and beverages into my luggage. Even this fucking luggage belonged to Levi once. I angrily wiped the tears off, I was definitely frustrated, mad and horrified by his extremely self-centred decision.

So, he is living, and he let me to believe that he is dead?

Unbelievable.

How could he do that to me?

I even did not bother to check how could I reach to Marley. I only know that I had to go to the ports, that was going to what I do. I left the home and started to my new journey.

When I will find you, Ackerman, you will pray to be dead.

Marley.

I was sitting on the benches of the boat by watching the notorious walls of Heaven, at least, what had been left from that. Paradise made sure its destruction, but some parts of the walls were still visible if you knew where to look.

That was my biggest problem, I always knew where to look and follow what I saw.

Even now, my biggest problem is connected my ultimate problem: Levi Ackerman.

He was always what I saw, whose I followed without even a single hesitation. Wherever Levi goes, I go, that’s my deal.

For a moment, 18 years old version of me appeared in front of my blurry eyes. I still could see her arms tangled around her chest with a determined face expression, standing before Commander Erwin, being examined by curious eyes.

“Captain Levi wanted you into his squad.” Commander slightly raised his eyebrow. He was more than curious; it was very obvious that he could not see a logical reason behind Captain’s request. “Before approving your promotion, I would like to ask you one question.”

“All ears, Commander.”

“You devoted your heart, no discussion on that.” he stood up and took his steps towards me. I was suffocating because of the power his glare. “But to what? I always wonder that.”

“To whom, you mean?” I questioned his question, for a second, a ghost of smirk formed around his lips but as usual he controlled himself so swiftly. He approved me with his head, I knew that today or tomorrow I had to answer this question.

I was too tired to hold it back.

I was too naïve to try to disguise my true colours.

“I devoted my heart to Captain Levi.” I said. Plain and clear.

Commander did not reply to me. He just looked at me for a minute then smiled. I was afraid of seeing his smile, with all my respect to him, when he smiled, I always felt the goosebumps all over my body, his smile was irking my self-defence system. I felt like I was trapped and dragged into something I should have not want to do, but I was supposed to perform.

When Commander smiled, I felt like I was a puppet in his hands like every cadet in the Scouts.

I had been questioning every incident, decision, and stage of my life since that day. Was I really acknowledged of my words when I blatantly stated my devotion to Levi?

What had I gained in return of my devotion?

A journey to Marley by myself, countless corpses on my conscious and permanent blood traces on my hands.

A myriad of sleepless nights.

Longing for someone who never comes back.

I clenched my fists over the fabric of my skirt. I hated wearing skirts, but Levi persuaded me to wear them when we had to peel ourselves out of uniforms.

I always suspected Levi had something with the skirts, those soft and pastel ones.

What the fuck you are thinking right now?

I could feel my nails digging into my palms, they were going to leave some marks for sure. Maybe a little bit blood too.

Maybe I should have kept myself in Paradise, with my duty. I could distract myself with new missions, new plans, and decisions. Maybe it was not the best option for me, maybe I really had to respect his decision and never went on board to drag him back.

Back to hell.

To the hell he lost everyone whose were very dear to him.

I was cruel and reckless, he had been losing more than anyone else, he had been in such a hell even before people labelled him as the humanity’s strongest. Just once he told me how sick and tired he was of that humanity’s strongest shit.

How much he wanted to leave all these behind himself.

And now, I was on my way to drag him back.

I could feel the panic started to invade my body and affected my limbs; I immediately bit my lower lip in order to keep my mind straight.

Even this little trick, you learned from Levi.

A strong smell of salt rushed all over me with the promising sound of waves. I lifted my head up, my hands automatically turned into the fists.

He already dared to break his promise, why should I care for his thoughts and desires? He did not think of mine, he decided all by himself. Why should I be upset for him?

I could easily forgive him, to be honest, I have already forgiven him for leaving his hell behind. What I have been not going easy on was his decision to leave mebehind like I was a part of his personal abyss. He was the last one who could break a promise, and he never choose a path which could make him to regret of his selection. I knew his way of thinking to the bits, in these circumstances more than I could wish for, if he concluded on the way to follow, he made sure that he would not be regretful. Needless to say, if he chose to leave me behind, it was the solid proof of his view of me.

I mourned for him every second of my life since the end of war, my feelings were always so complicated towards Levi, but I was always certain on my love for him.

My feelings were not reciprocated. I could understand my one-sided affection and its heartbreak if he did not give me a promise for lifetime.

While the boat was arriving the shores of Marley, I was definitely not in my best mood. I could not name all the frustration, fear, anxiety, anger I felt, but at the same time I was so excited. The silence of my mind was sudden and was not like it normally was, it was a total, dead silence, laden with an uncomfortable tension that cut me like the edge of dull blades. There were words on the very tip of my tongue that every inch of myself burned to scream, but my lips were like sealed. My posture was changed by our arriving to the port of Marley, I stood up and took a deep breathe. The air was so thick, I could not deny but I remained bound by unspoken thoughts and empty promises. When the doors were opened to the passengers, I grabbed my luggage and stepped into the foreign lands.

I have been in Marley before for educational reasons. After the war, I was one of the soldiers or civilians who were selected as the students go abroad, I spent two years here by attending college. After graduation, the government of Paradise assigned me as the head of royal library because I denied giving courses to the students.

I could work as a librarian. I could not work as a teacher, not again, I could not bound myself to the pupils. Even thinking about having students around me causing a lump in the middle of my throat. I was not made for mentoring kids, as my own history could vouch for that.

I still hear those screams.

Memories were stuck in my head and for the life of me, I could not erase them from my thoughts. Every little step I took, the labyrinth of my memory has been providing me with a new reason of pain. Anger. Frustration. Sadness.

Loneliness.

I have been always by myself. I fought for my life, my troop, my battalion, my people, my country, and there was no end of the shitty list. Dedicate your heart, we have been trained, dedicate your hearts. My eyes were masked in sheer layer of moisture, I knew, my tears of anger because the world was being nothing but cruel to me. I knew this way of thinking was not being entirely rational, I wanted to hear that it was not my fault, I wanted someone to praise my efforts.

And that someone has been living the best of his life in a little shop where it occupied a very good, visible spot of one of the main streets of city, where I was standing just in front of the door.

I had been losing the understanding of time, but when I found myself in front of the ivory-coloured door, of course Levi would kill someone who can even propose choosing another colour, I checked my clock.

Should I go inside?

I did not know why he did not send a message to me, and I did not fully recall all the circumstances of our shared past, either. I was so determined to see and drag him back, but now, all I remembered was the feeling of falling, crumbling, crawling, and seething pains before blackness. There were blurry bits and pieces, but when I tried to reassemble them, there were just the colour red. Red again, crimson red.

What should I say if I go inside?

What will happen if he is inside?

What if he would be disappointed to see me?

I reached to the knub of door, however all power I had till now was leaving me. Emptiness was what I felt, there was no driving force, there was even no anger against his crimes.

My heart was pounding on my throat, my sight was blurry, then I let the knub of door and turned my back to the shop. I did not want to see what was inside of that little tea shop, even thought it was one of the smallest shops I have ever seen, it was certain that that shop was bigger than my life and more valuable than me in the eyes of Levi Ackerman.

Although I was full of retaliation feelings, I could feel anything but my love for him.

Why should I step back into his life again, when his decision keeping me away from him is clear as fuck?

The city lights peeked through the cracks of the pavement, creating a jagged patch of gold in the way as I took it as a sign for me in order to keep going by myself. I just looked at the door once more, then I inhaled.

I have to write an explanation to Armin as formally. He loves me, but he is not the type of letting the issue go.

“Excuse me?” I heard a young but strong boy voice. “Captain Doukaina?”

I closed my eyes, because I recognized the owner of this voice like hearing it just one yesterday. I kept remain to walk, acting like I did not hear my name but just in one second, a cheerful, energetic face jumped into me.

“YOU ARE RIGHT, FALCO!” Gabi screamed all the air out of her lungs. “SHE IS CAPTAIN DOUKAINA!”

“Ah.” this was only thing I could said. “Hi, Gabi.”

She hesitantly looking at me, her arms were reaching to me, but she knew that I had been refusing to talk with her for long time until that night I had to keep both of them between my arms, protecting them as the frightened kids who survived.

“You can.” I approved her attempt. “We are not enemies, and I am sure both of us changed a lot.”

She did not wait to hear the end of my words; she just hug me like I was the miracle of life. Falco, always kinder than Gabi, patiently waited for his line.

More like waited for Gabi not being extra.

“How are you?” he asked me politely, I could laugh his disgusted face towards Gabi who was circling around me by murmuring an inaudible song.

“I am very well.” Liar. “I hope you are doing well, either.”

“Yes, we are living with Uncle Onyankopon and helping to Mr. Ackerman for running tea shop.” Gabi shared this two information with everyone on the street.

My heart was hammering in my chest to hear that Mr. Ackerman, I hated myself for my reaction, but the kids were unaware of the glossiness glazing over my eyes.

“Did you come to visit us?” Gabi asked. “Why it took this much, we have been waiting for you since the end of war?”

“Gabi, please have some manners.” Falco murmured to her. “Captain Doukaina has her own life, you knew that.”

“Ah.” Gabi stopped and looked at me in the face. “I am sorry, I did not want to be rude, but I thought you would have come very long time ago. We missed you.”

“I did not know where you are.” I spilled the beans without thinking. “No one told me.”

“Uncle Onyankopon said tha-

“She means that maybe there was a problem between Marley and Paradise communication ways.” Falco made a heroic attempt to save a secret from me, but I was playing the game even before he was born. I gave him my signed deathly glare and turned back to Gabi.

“What he says?”

“Mr. Ackerman insisted on you have to live your own life.” Gabi grumbled. “Falco and I tried to persuade him to call you here, but Uncle said he could not dare to play against to Mr. Ackerman.”

“Mr. Ackerman can go to hell.” I cursed beneath my breath. Falco heard me for sure, but Gabi was so busy giving me a detailed story of almost 5 years after the war. Mostly I did not listen her, but I caught two important details.

She knew that I attended college here in Marley.

She knew that I was the head of royal library in Paradise.

Are you still watching me Levi, or she knows these because of another reason?

“Would like to come inside?” Falco interrupted Gabi’s endless stories. “I strongly believe that you came here today, we have fresh bakery and tea, and we happily serve them to you, Captain.”

“Call me Anna.” I smiled to him. What is these kids’ fault? They wanted me with them, they were trying to call me back. How could I remain angry towards them? “Thank you for your kind inv- Gabi, what are you doing?!”

“You have to taste blueberry spongy cake!” she yelled at me. Maybe I can exactly remain angry towards Gabi? “And we have a delicious Earl Grey which came to the shop just a few hours ago. You like Earl Grey, right? Plain, strong and harmonious.”

“How do you know that?” I could not help but ask.

“Mr. Ackerman.” she gave me a weird look like it was very usual, talking about my preferences between the folk of this fucking tea shop. “When he orders Earl Grey, he always check the quality of tea according to the rule of Doukaina.”

“What the fuck?” I tossed my head back, my feet tapping on the pavement. “Gabi, I am really sorry, and I have no intention making you upset but seriously I understand anything you say.”

“The rule of Doukaina is our standards in order to value everything around us.” I heard a baritone voice which I was fucking familiar with. “Welcome to Marley, Captain.”

“Onyankopon.” I pressed my lips into each other. I could not help but felt the irritation against him. He smiled to me by raising his hands.

“I have nothing.” He remained his posture. “Can I join you?”

“We will serve to Captain.” Falco explained. “She just came to Marley today; she has to be thirsty and hungry.”

“No.” I shook my head. “I am very well, but tired. If you could allow me to go back to my flat, it would-

“No!” Gabi just sticked into my arm like a gummy. “We will not, right Falco?”

“What are you doing there, brats?” I heard another voice. Baritone. Strong. Grumpy. Familiar to giving orders. “Did you take a hostage in a blink of eye?”

“She is Captain Doukaina!” Gabi screamed like she was sharing the most wonderful miracle of this bloody world. “How can we take her as a hostage, Mr. Ackerman? She is the cleverest as you always say!”

“Captain Doukaina?” I heard his voice again, full of nothing but disbelief. “JesusfuckingChrist, do you lose your mind?”

“I am here.” I choked out loudly enough for him to hear my voice. “Anna Doukaina.”

There was silence like our walls circling Paradise before we crumbled them down.

“Anna Doukaina.” the voice repeated my name again. Would he be crueller to me, still staying in the shadows?

“Yes.” I lifted my chin and let all emotions filled me up. Did I really unload these 5 years on him, in front of everyone here? I knew I was not going to, but God, if I had the courage, I would. I would ruin his life; I would set everything he did on fire and leave here as the happiest woman.

He came out of that fucking ivory door, and I forgot how to breathe.

No one told me how he was.

No one told me how bad he was hurt.

No one told me how horrible his scars were.

Onyankopon grabbed the kids due to rapidly increasing tension, even though Gabi’s rejections, and left Levi and me by all alone in front of the tea shop. We were staring each other like enemies, we could be enemies, I wondered if I had ever felt like this before in my life.

“Anna Doukaina.” he sighed at me. I clenched my fists and took a really long, refreshing, and deep breath. “You are not Anna Doukaina.”

“Ah.” I barely held myself back from making a scene. “I guess I know my identity better than you, Captain Ackerman.”

“It seems you forget.” he took one step towards me. I could see all of his face, all the stitches, all the lines and his eyes. Goddamnit, his Aegean eyes. “Your name was changed, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah.” I raised my left hand and showed him the little bandage which I always wrapped on my finger.

“Why did you wrap your finger?” he dared to ask to me by furrowing his eyebrows.

“What should I do?” I nicely asked but I could feel the taste of blood inside of my mouth. “Should I unwrap the bandage? What is the point of it?”

“Since when married woman keeps their marriage rings under cover?” he grunted, but he was careful as always not causing any unwarranted events. I could easily see he was fuming inside; he was calculating but I could not understand the rest of his feelings.

He was upset, that was so clear.

He did not want to see me, that was another clear point.

“They do.” I forced myself to smile. Do not let him to see your feelings. “If their wedded husband are not with them.”

“So, were you covering your ring since the last 5 years?”

“Every day of it, and I enjoyed that a lot.”

“Why you did not take it off, Godfuckingdamnit, if you were so upset by wearing it?!”

“Protection.” I chuckled. Make him mad. Give nothing but only pain to him if you can. “You know, if I will financially collapse, I can always sell this. It is 24k gold. A luxury for Paradise.”

“You are not changed even a bit.” he leaned back on the heels of his feet. “Still a witch.”

“I changed a lot.” I said. Back in the Corps, I was loud and commanding, I was a leader, one of the cleverest. Now, I was timid and tired, I may be broken down because of his absence. “I am not a witch anymore; I became a bitch.”

“Yes, I can see that.” he nod. Very sweet of Levi. “Why you are here?”

“I came because I am looking for my husband.” I said.

“Why?”

“To ruin his life.” I smiled. “I want ruin that bastard for letting me down, for letting me mourn for him every fucking day, for everything he did to me.”

Levi glared at me with a deadpanned face. I unwrapped my bandage and showed my hand to him.

“I have been waiting for this since I learned you are alive.” I murmured. “I want a divorce.”

“What?” his face was entirely blank.

“I always thought you were dead, but since you are unfortunately in flesh and soul, I want a fucking divorce.” I grinned. “Do you think I across the sea in order to see you? No, Levi. No. We are going to divorce, so you have to come back with me to Paradise, then you can go to even hell if you want.”

“Thinking I was dead did not prevent you to live your life fully, huh?” he raised one eyebrow. “Why do you want a divorce right now, all of sudden? Why did you show yourself at the door of my teashop? Are you run out of money?”

“You cannot hit me with these, Captain.” I chuckled and took the ring out of my finger. “See? I came for giving this back to you.”

I directly went to him, in front of him, my mind did not catch any of my moves or decisions. I never felt like this in my life, I was like captured by another soul, I was watching myself out of my body. I grabbed his hand, opened his palm and placed the ring.

“You can do whatever you want with your fucking ring.” I hissed at him. My voice was keeping all the pain as a secret. Even now, even I am full of pain, the only thing I want is hugging and kissing him, staying at his side forever! “I came to say this.”

I turned back to him immediately, but before my first step, he grabbed my wrist and forced me to walk with him inside of his tea shop. He literally dragged me into the next table and held my hand with all force.

“You are my wife.” he dropped his voice to lowest version. Damnit, how he dare to give me that voice, he uses when I was a cadet?! “You are mine.”

“Ah, really?” I pushed him back. “Where were you if I am your wife?”

“Where were you?” he questioned my question. “If I am your husband, why you were not with your husband? Why did you not come to find me after the war?”

“MR. ACKERMAN!” Someone yelled by entering from the door, and both of us turned to the boy. “I NE- wow.”

The little blond kid just stared at Levi, looking like a revengeful god and me, pressed on the table as a suspected witch. His little mouth shaped as an O.

“What happened?” he asked.

“No- nothing. We did not know you have visitors. Hi, lady!”

“I do not have a visitor, Paul.” Levi gave me a piercing look. Do not fall. Do not fall. “She is my wife, Mrs. Ackerman.”

“DO YOU HAVE A WIFE?!” The little kid screamed for his dear life.

“No, I am not h-

“Yes, I have.” Levi said. “And she is going to live with me from now on.”

#leviackerman #levi ackerman #levi ackerman oneshot #levi ackerman angst #levi ackerman fluff #levi ackerman headcanons #levi ackerman imagine #levi ackerman fic #aot #attack on titan #aot smut #snk #aot fic #levi #attack on titan fanfiction #shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan levi #captain levi #levi aot

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giowritess · 4 years ago

Text

Dull — Michael Corleone

masterlist. | michael corleone.

Pairing: Michael Corleone x fem!OC Tatiana van Doren

Plot: Tatiana and Michael have always been pushing each other’s buttons. One day, when confronting him about a deal that went south, their relationship takes a different path.

Warnings: cursing, sexual themes — choking, vaginal fingering, intercourse, unprotected sex, edging.

Word-count: 2,555

Kinktober: prompts — • 4. begging • 10. against the wall • 11. hatesex • 12. fingering • 13. edging • 32. choking

Author’s note: Wassup people!!! Sorry for taking so long to write something. I finally wrote something about one of my all-time favorite characters, who doesn’t have a big fandom but should. If you don’t know what The Godfather is about, all you need to know is that they’re gangsters and this man is perfect. This lovely piece I wrote alongside the most precious being on universe that’s @pacinorose! I love you so much and I can’t thank you enough for entering my life. I haven’t written smut in four years and this is my first attempt at it. This is also my 1st official post for kinktober. About the banner/gif: @littlefreya‘s inspired me to do one. The gif edition is mine, but I don’t know who the gif itself belongs to (let me know if you do). I really ope you all enjoy it! Also, not beta’d. xoxo

Tatiana van Doren was not a force to mess up with. The van Doren family and the Corleones had always been on each other’s bad side. Their mutual hatred transpassed the invisible strings of time and, all that despise, disdain and hostility towards each other carried on through generations and generations. It definitely hadn’t missed out on Tatiana van Doren and Michael Corleone, the oldest children to take over the two businesses.

Interaction between the two of them was always hard. The only exceptions were when both had to attend any kind of social gatherings, where they had to maintain politeness and grace. Usually, they were always at each other’s throats like cat and rat, always pushing each other’s buttons to nothing but pure and inexplicable rage. Michael always made Tatiana turn into an angry beast who wouldn’t keep quiet, and she did the same thing to him. He couldn't even recognize himself when he was around her. Michael always tried his best to suppress his emotions and stay indifferent, but with her, he just couldn’t do that. He brought out the worse in her, and she did the same to him.

So, that meant that business between them was nearly impossible. They'd joined forces against a common enemy and that involved mastering a hazardous business deal which included exchanging weapons imported from the docks. Of course, it hadn’t been easy to find something both agreed on.

“Miss van Do-”, Michael’s secretary started to speak, standing in a flash from his chair in a futile attempt to try and stop her.

Tatiana was on a warpath as she blasted through his office door and almost took it off its hinges. She didn’t give a damn about discretion and was ready to take out the revolver from her thigh holster and shoot any bastard that dared to stand in her way.

Michael’s eyes were wide from the action as he snapped his head up from his work. His eyes soon narrowed when he saw exactly who had interrupted him and caused such a scene. Her dark, doe-eyes no longer had that sparkle full of mischief and teasing. Instead, they held complete and utter anger as she pierced holes into him, her chest weaving up and down in an erratic rhythm.

“I tried to stop her, Mr Corleone. I’m sorr-,” his secretary started. Michael interrupted him putting his hand up, a gesture for him to be quiet before he silently dismissed him and he left both alone.

Michael took a deep breath and finally brought his eyes back to the brunette girl. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with her day-to-day teasing and uncontrollable annoying mouth, that just wouldn’t close without spurting snarky comments about how he conducted his work.

“Do you not listen, princess?” he asked with a calm voice, his brow arching in question. He clenched his jaw so tightly he thought his teeth might crunch under the tension of his frustration, .

Tatiana’s face completely fell in disbelief at his audacity, and her eyes soared into his so intensely the Corleone almost took a step back. Him calling her like that made her blood boil, and he knew that.

“I’m sorry? I don’t fucking listen?!” the words started to violently fall from her lips, like bullets hitting their targets. “I told you not to move the contraband under a fucking full moon! We agreed on that! And what do you go and do?!” she asked, prodding her index finger towards him as she spoke. Her eyes were wild with fury as she looked at him.

While she did her small angry speech, Michael couldn’t help but notice how well that floral-print summer dress hugged her body, leaving little to the imagination. To his imagination, that would happily fill in the gaps late at night, both when he couldn’t sleep and when he’d dream of her. Of course, his dark desires were well hidden as he kept a stern look and averted his eyes back to his desk. He moved his hand to align a piece of paper that fell as he stood up to confront the intruder in his office, shrugging her comment off with an emotionless glance.

This only pissed her off more.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?!” she continued, striding in front of him so she'd force him to make eye contact. She was fuming. “My men could’ve been caught because of you. Because you’re so fucking dull.”

Her fast breathing matched his clenched body, and she couldn’t help but feel a shiver run right through her while he looked down into her eyes. He seemed to be staring right through her. They'd never been so close before and, by how he was staring at her, she couldn’t help but feel like a prey, about to be devoured by its predator.

“You’re a dull fucking bastard,” she mumbled, not even a bit intimidated by him.

He inhaled so quickly and sharply before he brought his hand up to her throat, she had no time to register what had happened. Tatiana winced as she felt the impact of her back hitting the wall, her eyes immediately locking onto his. She wasn’t surprised by his action. Instead, it surprised her with the effect it was having on her. Her body was tingling everywhere, sending shivers through her spine and sending a fire straight down to her core. The feeling of Michael’s strong hand clenched around her throat, not hurting but still strong enough to keep her in place, was doing more to her than she wanted to admit. That she would like to admit. He could squeeze the life out of her if he wanted to — the predator could easily devour his prey. But by the look on his eyes, she knew those weren’t his plans.

She gathered her posture back up, that mischievous glint that he so much hated returning to her eyes. Even though she wanted to be devoured by him, she couldn’t help the words coming out of her mouth.

“What are you going to do, Michael? Kill me,” she asked, her voice slower than usual, “or fuck me?” she rolled out the last words with the pop of her tongue, sounding almost like a purr.

Unsurprisingly, he slammed his lips down to hers, pressing her further against the wall, his hand still strong on her throat. Then, he pulled away abruptly as his hand loosened its grip around her neck, uncertainty making its way to his mind. As Tatiana slowly opened her eyes, he thought that she was the most beautiful woman on Earth at that moment, without the ice wall she had built around herself. He knew that doing what she did, she had to protect herself, but she was even prettier when she didn’t need to hear that mask. And she definitely didn’t have to wear it around him. Michael could see straight through her without any effort.

Tatiana could see his jaw clenching as she brought her hand to his neck, slowly dancing her fingertips over his skin. As they reached his face, her eyes repeatedly travelled from his lips to his eyes, which were following every single one of her movements with attention. His chocolate eyes softened at the look of longing in hers, but then it was gone as fast as it came as she smirked up at him. Her fingers finally reached his lips, tracing a line in them before moving her hand to the back of his neck and entwining in his soft hair as she stood on her tiptoes and brought her lips to his, pulling him closer by the neck. It was slow and sensual, giving each other to explore that uncharted path that they had been longing to discover for a long time now. His hand left her throat and travelled down her back, while the other found the back of her neck. Their kiss got needier and hungrier by the second, the mutual desire finally coming to light after being repressed and ignored for so long. They kissed until both couldn’t breathe, pulling away and kissing again, letting their tongues dance together in a harmony they could only find in each other.

She could feel herself getting flushed, her skin hot, as if she could make fireworks explode every single time that sinful mouth of his made contact with her skin. He was kissing a path down her neck and her collarbone, quickly pulling down and exposing her breasts, begging for his attention. The shape of his erection pressed against her felt like hard marble, and it only made her even wetter than she already was, feeling her panties soaked.

A moan left her lips as his hot mouth sucked on her breast, and Michael felt his cock twitch in pain at that heavenly sound. He hadn’t even touched her where she needed him the most, but she was already a panting mess from his kisses alone. He knew he was going to leave marks on her body as he sucked, kissed and bit every piece of skin available to his reach.

Her heart skipped some beats as he started kneading on her thigh, her whole body tensing with expectation and anticipation as his hand went up slowly. She knew he was doing that on purpose — he wanted to torture her, and it was working. Michael finally found the hem of her underwear and stole the air out of her lungs when one of his fingers dipped down her cunt, meeting no restrain.

“So wet for me,” he whispered in her ear, watching carefully every reaction that crossed her beautiful face.

“Fuck,” she muttered.

Tatiana had to cling to his white shirt as his finger swiftly entered her, moans and sighs leaving her mouth as they pleased. Her eyes fluttered closed as he started moving up and down, his finger soon joined by another, while his other hand remained on the side of her head.

But his torture wasn’t going to end. When her heart started beating faster and her breathing got unstable, he slowed down, only to speed up again when her breathing went back to normal. Over and over and over again, lever letting her chase her high. He could see the eagerness and irritation on her face. The fact that she was entirely at his mercy and under his control only made him harder, if that was even possible.

“Michael…” she moaned. He could hear the exasperation in her voice.

“Yes, princess? he replied in a mocking tone, never stopping his movements.

He knew how impatient she was growing.

“I… I want you,” she admitted, making a smirk appear on the corner of his lips.

God, how ironic it was for the roles to be inverted.

“You’re gonna have to be more specific, darling,” he said, his hot breath against her neck.

“I want you,” she repeated, this time staring into his eyes. Her voice was nothing but a desperate plea. “Your cock, buried deep inside me. Please," she muttered, almost whining. "Please, fuck me. Please!”

Her raspy voice full of desire and need turned a switch inside of him. Having her beg for him was exactly what he wanted, and now he just couldn’t take it anymore. He wanted her too, badly, and he couldn’t wait to be inside her. Pulling his fingers out, he held her by her thighs as he picked her up and placed her on his desk, throwing its contents to the floor and not giving a fuck about it.

Tatiana watched impatiently as he unbuckled his belt and finally released his cock, painfully hard. She couldn’t help but lick her lips as she wondered how it would feel on her mouth, against her tongue.

And then he thrust into her, and she felt like her brain had short-circuited and stopped working. Was she even alive? Was she breathing?

"Like this?" he asked, but she couldn’t even reply. "You like it when I fuck you like a whore?" his voice was almost aggressive, his hands holding tight on her hips where he knew would be purple tomorrow.

A breathy "yes" left her lips, followed by a series of moans that only made him even closer, feeling the way her velvet walls enveloped him with perfection.

"I bet,” she started to say, but a loud moan interrupted her, “you've… you’ve dreamed..." it was hard for her to finish her sentence, getting harder and harder to form coherent thoughts, "of this."

Even with his cock thrusting in and out of her and hitting every right angle, making her roll her eyes with bliss and see stars, she still managed to be snarky.

“All the fucking time," he growled back, and one of his hands found its way to her throat, squeezing lightly, testing the waters. His other hand was busy, rubbing circles in her clit that made her feel as if she was going to explode.

He knew he was in good waters when his name left her ajar lips in a scream, Tatiana shutting her eyes closed, overwhelmed with the pleasure building up inside of her. Quite satisfied with himself, he applied a lot more pressure around her neck, and he felt her getting tighter around him.

"Fucking you on my desk until you couldn't speak was all I wanted when you wouldn't shut up," he said, punctuating his last words with some particularly hard thrusts.

"Michael," she moaned, almost begged, and his name on her voice could've made him come alone. It could easily turn into one of his favourite sounds, and he could get used to hearing it all day long.

Well, he had fulfilled his goal — she was nothing but a moaning mess under him right now. She couldn’t form a sentence even if she wanted to, her brain simply wasn’t working. The only word that came out of her lips in-between moans and sighs at that moment, the only word she knew, was “Michael”, chanting his name like a prayer as if he was a god meant for her to praise.

He admired her as she threw her head back in complete bliss, her eyes clenched tightly and her mouth agape as the pleasure overtook her. Her hands were gripping the edges of his mahogany desk so firmly that her knuckles were turning white. No one could say this was the mighty, feared Tatiana van Doren, cheeks red and flushed, out of breath and eyes out of focus, her breasts exposed, spread out on his desk while he impaled her with his cock, each time sending her over the edge and into oblivion. To him, she had never looked prettier.

Michael was completely enthralled by her, mesmerized by the way she moved, her face, her expressions, the way she grasped his cock and made him see stars. It was as if she’d cast a spell on him, making him feel like no one had ever done before. Now that he finally had had a taste of her and her ferocity, he couldn’t let her go anymore. He couldn’t even understand how he’d gone so long without her, but now he knew he definitely couldn’t keep on without her.

Who would have imagined all it’d take to tame a beast was another beast?

#giowritess #pacinorose #michael corleone #michael corleone smut #michael corleone fanfic #imagine #fanfiction #smut #writing #the godfather #michael corleone x oc #collaboration #kinktober #kinktober prompts #kinktober writing

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i-like-plan-m · 4 years ago

Note

Prompt: (Part 1) Lan Qiren and his young (maybe 14 and 10 yrs old, respectively?) nephews (Lan Xichen and Lan Zhan) are all going to a discussion conference. To go to that conference they pass through Yiling. An attack occurs and tiny Lan Zhan gets separated from Lan Qiren and Lan Xichen for whatever reason. Lan Zhan meets young Wei Wuxian and for some reason, Lan they have to run away from the attackers and end up in the burial mounds as that’s the only palace they can hide.

(Part 2)To Lan Qiren and Lan Xichen, Lan Zhan goes missing and they can’t find him among the dead nor anywhere in the village. Eventually, they leave but never stop looking around the cultivation world in hope of someday finding him. I’d like to see how Lan Zhan’s disappearance affects the Lan family and how they change as characters with a Lan Zhan filled a hole in their lives.

(part 3) Meanwhile, in the Burial Mounds, Lan Zhan and Wei Wuxian have to figure out how to survive in this dreadful environment as well as get to know each other and become close as they hurt and struggle throughout their stay. They try to find exits but the Burial Mounds is designed to keep its occupants in, not out.

(Part 4)Some years later when they finally find an exit, they have no idea how to function in normal society as all the company they have had for the last few years was each other and they can’t really remember how to interact with other people. A prominent theme could be their codependency and separation anxiety that they have for each other and how they try to fit in with other people. If you’re interested, please feel free to make any adjustments or make any changes to the prompt!

...this got long, whoops [posted to Ao3]

The problem, Wei Ying reflected, was that, regardless of his ratty robes and threadbare shoes, Lan Zhan was just too damn pretty to be overlooked.

It made traveling unnoticed impossible. Worse, Lan Zhan didn’t even notice. He only cast an icy glare at those who wandered too close, forever mistrustful of strangers who dared approach him-- or worse, approach Wei Ying. He acted as though he expected someone to snatch him right off the street.

To be fair, it had happened once or twice.

Demonic cultivators, it seemed, were not appreciated outside of the Burial Mounds. Wei Ying took the brunt of the harm that the occasional cultivator they crossed (and always the ones with far too much moral superiority to allow Wei Ying to pass without harassment, the bastards) inflicted upon them. They never expected the full force of Lan Zhan’s fury to come crashing down upon them.

Wei Ying wondered if perhaps they were gaining a reputation in the cultivation world. It was potentially a problem-- he had no intentions of returning to the Burial Mounds. Not after six years of uninterrupted hell, with only his Lan Zhan there to keep him sane.

The Burial Mounds had taken so much from them-- hope, joy. Memories, even, of their lives before. But not each other. Not even literal mountains’ worth of resentment and hate and slaughter could separate them. Between Wei Ying’s quick, clever thinking and Lan Zhan’s indomitable will and strength, they’d slipped the net and stumbled back into the world outside, one that held so much life and brightness it physically hurt to witness.

But oh, how he loved re-learning how to be human. The Burial Mounds had made them something else, something a little too strange to be just ordinary cultivators. They’d learned to wield resentment early on-- Wei Ying much faster than his forever stubborn Lan Zhan-- in order to survive. There had been no other option.

Now, though. Now they had the freedom of choice. Lan Zhan could unbind his golden core after years of hiding it from the Burial Mounds’ sights, could use his own spiritual energy instead of the resentment he so detested.

Wei Ying smiled, eternally fond, and glanced sideways at Lan Zhan, who was eyeing a particularly boisterous vendor with a familiar, dangerous glint in his eye.

“Aiya, Lan Zhan,” he said, exasperated. He nudged him in the side, drawing Lan Zhan’s attention away from the vendor insistently flapping poorly drawn talismans after them. “You’ll scare everyone away, looking like that!”

“He should not sell useless protections,” Lan Zhan muttered, staring straight ahead. “It gives false hope.” Behind them, there was a cry of dismay as the vendor’s talismans burst simultaneously into flames.

“So cranky,” Wei Ying sighed, leaning his weight into Lan Zhan’s side. “Simple wanderers like us can’t judge others for how they make a living!”

“I can and I will,” Lan Zhan said reasonably, and Wei Ying dissolved into giggles. Lan Zhan frowned down at him, softened by the slight, affectionate curve of his mouth. “He makes people think they are safe when they are not.”

Ah. Wei Ying sobered. “Well, when you put it that way..” Hard to argue, really. After half a lifetime of the same feeling in a place much worse than this... The vendor wasn’t so harmless after all.

He stared into middle distance, lost in thought as they walked, never more than an arm’s length from Lan Zhan.

Lan Zhan’s gaze flickered to Wei Ying when he remained uncharacteristically quiet-- after years of forced silence in the Burial Mounds, sometimes because their lives quite literally depended upon it, Wei Ying responded to the freedom of the outside by chattering nonstop, as though compensating for six years of quiet.

Wei Ying stuttered to a stop a moment later, realizing that Lan Zhan had stepped aside, out of the stream of people. He had a single heartbeat of pure, unfiltered panic, dizi clutched tight in his hand as he searched frantically for Lan Zhan. He raised it to his mouth, prepared to send a burst of noise into the air to find him-- and then went limp in relief as Lan Zhan appeared beside him once more.

“Lan Zhan!” He scolded, trying for stern but undermined by the wobble in his voice. “You can’t just disappear on me like that! I was about to level the street.” He was only kidding. Mostly.

“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan said disapprovingly anyway, then softened. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you worried.” And then, because Lan Zhan was the greatest thing to ever happen to Wei Ying, he held up a jar of Emperor’s Smile.

“Forgiven!” Wei Ying chirped, and snatched it from his grip. Lan Zhan watched the spill of the alcohol from his mouth, down his neck, and suddenly turned sharply on his heel and stalked back into the street, ears a delightful shade of pink.

“This way,” he said, guiding them to a small building just off the main street. Lan Zhan’s qin needed serious repairs-- it had been a stroke of pure luck that he’d had it with him the day they’d been swallowed whole by the Burial Mounds, and only with his meticulous care had it survived. A few strings had snapped on their last night hunt, and Lan Zhan had been so quietly devastated that Wei Ying had badgered him into visiting Caiyi, known for their famous Emperor’s Smile... and their mastery of music.

The shop was large and clean, with small rooms off to the side for repairs. Lan Zhan strode immediately to the desk, quietly discussed the items he needed with the owner, and then followed behind the closed door of the back room. Wei Ying nursed his Emperor’s Smile and wandered around the shop, pausing occasionally to inspect the dizis displayed on the wall.

He smiled, sharp and dark, and rubbed his thumb along his own instrument. Chenqing was slender and pitch black, carved in and from the Burial Mounds. He suspected these dizis would shatter under his full power where Chenqing only sang for more.

“Sir,” the owner said politely, hovering behind him. “Looking for a new dizi?”

“Oh, no,” Wei Ying laughed, wincing internally at the flicker of indignation from Chenqing. He patted it reassuringly. “This dizi has been my friend through many dangers. I couldn’t bear to part with it.”

“It is certainly... unique,” the man said, like he��d had to choke it out. Amused-- his carving skills at the time had been fueled by desperate terror and shaking hands-- Wei Ying nodded cheerfully in agreement.

“Is Lan Zhan almost finished?” He asked, and let the man guide him into the room.

“How’s it going?” Wei Ying asked, hooking his chin over Lan Zhan’s shoulder to watch the way his long, elegant fingers ran along the qin. Suddenly flushed, he sat back and sprawled out beside him, averting his eyes to his Emperor’s Smile.

“Repairs require attention and care,” Lan Zhan said, intently focused on his instrument.

Wei Ying left him to it, knowing he’d get no attention from Lan Zhan until the qin was fixed, and closed his eyes, tipping his head back against the wall. His situational awareness was unmatched except for Lan Zhan, so they both noticed when someone else entered the store, unseen through the closed door.

But Wei Ying was aware-- always aware-- that this man was a cultivator, and so immensely powerful his spiritual energy was almost tangible. He opened his eyes and eyed the door, absently mouthing at Chenqing’s mouthpiece now instead of the jar of alcohol.

There were quiet voices outside, and he exchanged a wary glance with Lan Zhan. The shop owner didn’t sound agitated, though, or like he was ratting them out to the newcomer.

Soon after, another door closed and soft music reverberated through the thin walls. He didn’t recognize the song, uncultured as he was by the Burial Mounds barbaric version of society, but something about it made him ache. His eyes burned at the outpouring of emotion, a lament of grief and regret, of pain so encompassing it reshaped the very air.

“Another qin,” Lan Zhan murmured, hands frozen in place over his own instrument. Wei Ying sat up and curled a hand around Lan Zhan’s wrist, needing the touch to keep him grounded, to keep the memories of the Burial Mounds at bay in the face of such a song. They sat in suspended silence until the song ended, heads bowed under the weight of such grief, and listened as the cultivator very softly thanked the shop owner and left.

“Who was that?” Wei Ying wondered, and the shop owner paused as though confused as he entered their room.

“That was Sect Leader Lan, young master. He comes every week to play.”

“A sect leader?” Wei Ying traded a glance with Lan Zhan, who had clearly once been a member of the Lan Sect at one point but had no memories of it otherwise. “Can’t he afford a qin of his own? Why does he come here?”

The shop owner’s mouth twisted with something like pity. “He comes to play for his lost brother, young master. Sect Leader Lan still deeply mourns the loss, but the qin was his brother’s favored instrument. It is hard for his uncle to hear, I’m told.”

“Everyone mourns in their own way,” Wei Ying said, sympathetic. He waited until the man left again to turn to Lan Zhan, who hadn’t moved. “Lan Zhan?”

“Hm?” Lan Zhan blinked as though awakening from a deep sleep.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes. I have finished with the repairs.” He stood and left the room, off to use their meager funds to pay for the supplies.

But Wei Ying didn’t move, wondering if perhaps the sect leader would know of Lan Zhan’s family. How to find them. Part of him wanted to take Lan Zhan out of Gusu immediately, to keep him to himself, and he hated himself for the thought.

If there was a chance for Lan Zhan to find the family he’d lost, then Wei Ying would help him... even if it meant losing the only thing that mattered to him in the world.

#this was so fun #i got carried away #prompts #writing #my writing #asks #anon #the untamed #wangxian #wei wuxian #wei ying #lan wangji #lan zhan #lan xichen #mdzs

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hitsuackerman · 4 years ago

Text

Unpredictable (Overhaul x Reader) pt.18

a/n: all i can say is... BRING BACK CHRONOHAUL :) hope ya’ll like the chapter!

warnings: this cannot be read solo

Links: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9, part 10, part 11, part 12, part 13, part 14, part 15, part 16, part 17, part 19

Masterlist to my other fics: here :)

Overhaul’s waiting list: @jjk-biased @infinite-universe-love @dirtypride @blackymomo03 @azzie @purple-rabanito @meximorrita @awesomeee19 @celestial-kanzakii @laure-lo @team-wang-puppy @aydience-world @choros-main-hoe @but-kairis-not-that-smart @colorseeingchick (i cant seem to tag again :( hope this lands in your timelines!)

“Kurono.” Overhaul snapped. “We’re done for the day. Take Eri-chan to her room and give the new toy to keep her busy.”

Finishing the last part of the job, Kurono pinned Eri’s bandages and carried her. Watching as Overhaul left the room, he felt the little girl trembling in his hold. The past few days, his boss had been a little harsher on the girl and it showed when he opened her up without being warned. Patting her head, the flinch did not help in the tense aura surrounding the base.

Once he locked her doors, he walked down the dimly lit hall and passed by Overhaul’s office. The faint sound of him typing away in his laptop made him stop in his tracks. It was rare for him to even look at his laptop. Something must be bothering him more than ever, for sure.

Knocking on the door, he was told to come in and entered silently.

“You’re on the laptop.” He commented and lazily flopped on the sofa. Taking his mask off, he rubbed his face and leaned on the back rest.

“I can see that.” Overhaul��s eyes remained glued to the screen. “Is there something you need?”

“D’you talk to her yet?” He yawned and stretched his limbs. Legs ready to bounce should his boss show any sign of rage.

“That doesn’t concern you.”

“Just askin’.” He shrugged his shoulders and fiddled with his fingers. “Eri-chan’s in her room now and the toy still didn’t lighten her mood. Not that it ever works.”

He merely hummed and continued typing.

“Mind if I ask what exactly happened?” Kurono sat up with perfect posture. His legs angled to the door, ready to make a run for it. The tension was too much. Even for the precepts. He could care less about the budding lovelife his boss had but the limit was drawing near. Hearing the laptop slam close, Kurono stood up and inched his way to the door.

“You have absolutely no business learning what happened behind those closed doors. But, if it pleases your curiosity, the woman mentioned her time with Ackerman.” Overhaul impatiently tapped his index finger on the desk. The other hand massaging his temple. “Satisfied?”

“What else did she say?”

“She said that her emotions aren’t there for the bastard and that she has her eyes set on someone else.”

For someone who played shogi skillfully, Kurono had to admit that his friend was as clueless as the word could imply. Using all of his strength not to twitch his eye at the ignorance being displayed, he let out a sigh and went back to the sofa.

“So why be pissed about it? Clearly she’s interested in you.”

“I am not pissed. I am merely agitated at the turn of events.” He stopped tapping his finger and stood up. Exiting himself out, he decided a long bath might cool his head.

“You do realize she only did that to rile you up. You’re losing to her game, Kai. I bet a shit ton of cash that she wanted to see if a reaction would suffice and looking at you now, she got exactly what she wished.” Kurono talked the fastest he’s ever attempted in his life. “I’ll also bet my money that you ignoring her only adds to her growing problems.”

“And what makes you say that, Kurono?” He was now facing the arrow-haired man. Fists clenched tightly.

“One of the men saw her entering Nighteye’s agency.”

“THAT Nighteye?” He cocked a brow and took a step closer to the sofa.

“Yes. Her car remained parked for quite some time. By the time she left, I was told she was speeding towards the precinct.”

Gathering his thoughts, Chisaki found himself seated across Kurono. His bird mask resting on the table between them. The surgical mask now on full display showing the shadows his face offered. Without realizing it, his brows were furrowed and teeth gritting.

“If it’s bothering you, why not just call her or send a message.” Kurono shrugged.

“If she has been spotted entering the agency, chances are she’s been part of the heroes schemes all this time.” He was nodding to himself. “And she had the audacity to act like she was part of nothing. Smart move for her but not careful enough.”

Squinting at the train of thought he had just heard, Kurono rested his elbows on his thighs.

“So, you think she’s teaming up with the heroes?”

“She is.” He leaned on the back rest.

“She told you?”

“Not outright.”

“What gave her away then?”

“The night I left, she mentioned how the heroes don’t have a clear map of the base and only an outline. That was either a slip or intentional. From the turn of events, it may have been accidental.” The memory of that night, having his body so close to yours made him fiddle with the hem of his gloves. The scene of having your flushed face so near to his made him smirk under the black mask. Glancing at the calendar, though there was no need, it had been three days since the both of you contacted each other.

“Do you think we’ve been bugged?” Kurono asked. His eyes darting from one corner of the room to the other.

“No.” Crossing his arm against his chest, he let out a long sigh. “Not yet, at least. But knowing them, it’s bound to happen and they will use (y/n) for that.”

“What do you intend on doing?”

“Buy me a new sim tomorrow, Kurono. It’s best if communication is cut. The Quirk erasing bullets are nearing its completion. Any upcoming hindrances would disrupt the plan.” Taking his phone out, he checked for any messages. Seeing as there were none, he turned it off and threw the sim card across the table. The small plastic landing inches away from the edge.

“You’re not going to overhaul it?” This was something he was not expecting.

“No. Burn it.”

“You’re…” He took the sim into his hand. “You’re really serious about this.”

"Those rats are on the move. The chances of her bugging our base is high. Knowing she's not the type to refuse, it is best to cancel out any communication." Picking up his mask, he let out a silent sigh and wore the said item. "No need to fret, Kurono. I've already prepared the necessary actions."

"Knowing you, there's no need to fret." He too took his mask and wore it as well. Fixing his hood, he stared at his friend. "What about the Fukuo Kai case?"

"That is in two months. The hype would have died down." Standing up, he fixed his coat and motioned Kurono to follow him out. "Besides. If (y/n) really has an interest in me, she would know the perils of harboring emotions. Let's go. I'm famished."

"Pardon?" Kurono stopped walking and stared at the back of his boss.

"Even the strongest villains need nourishment."

"Oh, uh, sure." Not sure what to do next, he rubbed the hems of hood. "Shall I ready the car?"

Seeing the nod, he blinked himself back to reality and went separate ways. Walking towards the garage, the blue-haired man replayed the events. He wasn't too sure but he could feel how your mannerisms were slowly rubbing off of Kai. Not that he minded, it was just… weird.

Taking the sim from his pocket, Kurono weighed out the options of burning or keeping the small object. Kai or even Overhaul wasn't too fond of keeping mementos, but his sense of gratitude was always strong. His ways of repaying debts were always admirable, no matter how absurd his methods may be.

Once he was now seated in the car, he knew exactly what to do with it.

The following day, Tsukauchi took his seat beside you. A brown paper bag now resting on your desk. After the heart to heart talk inside your car, you are more than glad that nothing has changed. He still treated you as his partner, as well as his close friend.

"Here are some updates for the Fukuo Kai." Reaching out for a folder, Tsukauchi pulled it with his fingertips till he finally grasped it. "We have detected some movements in their western branch. Me and the 4th division will be checking them out 3 days from now. Care to join?"

Checking your schedule, it was vacant and you agreed.

"So what're your plans now?" He asks while grabbing a small chip from your meal. "Nighteye?"

"Yeah. They’ll be discussing who’s who within the eight precepts.” Despite trying your best, you couldn’t help the slight slumping of your shoulders. Slowly nodding at the words that left your mouth, you chuckled and shook your head.

“Are you debating whether or not to tell him you're a part of the scheme?”

“I can’t but I feel like he’s caught up. I tried to call him last night. Yes, I know it’s cheap of me. But, his number was unavailable so…”

“He probably was off doing villainous deeds.” Tsukauchi patted your head and dragged his seat back to his cubicle. “He’d be a real jerk if he won’t contact you within the next few days. Trust me. Not even bad guys can resist the temptation of women.”

“You’re making me sound like a prostitute, Nao~” You commented while checking your emails. For now, nothing caught your eye. The occasional spam emails were present and one from Hawks but you could save that for later. Any more birdmen was not in your priority.

A few minutes passed and you were now engrossed in typing reports. When the lights of your company telephone lit up, your eyes darted to Namase’s door. It had been a long time since the both of you conversed, or let alone saw each other. The fact that he was calling you only meant bad news. Recalling every case you left unsolved, you were quite confident that this was nothing worth worrying about.

Picking up the phone, you braced yourself.

“Namase?”

“Bet you’re wondering why I called you, right?” Right. You forgot. This man held no filter whatsoever. “Well no need to worry. I just had to inform you that we received an anon caller. Do you wanna put him on the line?”

“An Anon caller? For what case?” You grabbed a pen and paper.

“For the Arson case.”

“Can you put him on the line?”

“Sure~”

Namase put the Anon caller thru and you waited till you were sure he wasn’t eavesdropping.

“Hello?” Even if you weren’t sure whether or not you should receive this call.

“Is this (l/n)-san?” His voice was low but clear enough for you to hear. “I think I have some good information about the fires.”

“I’d love to hear it but I had to hand over the case to the HPSC not too long ago. I can give you their hotline number if you want.”

“They scare me. I would prefer it if it was you who passed the message to them. Are you free later at 4pm?”

“Let me just check my schedule.” You knew you were free but you felt the need to look up the person. “Can I have your name, if that’s alright?”

“Tetsu.”

“Okay, Tetsu-san. Where do you want to meet up? Is a cafe alright? Or do you want a private room in the precinct?”

“A cafe please.”

“Alright, We can meet by the Nooks and Books. ’ll be the one wearing black. I’ll see you later.”

With no greetings, the line ended and you put the phone down. Gathering your stuff, you began to skim through each article you recently read about fires. Granted it had been a while since you last heard any news about fires, the tip was or could be useful. Of course having to talk to the HPSC was something you were not looking forward to.

“Nao, I’ll be taking my leave now. Anything you want me to bring when I come back?” You peaked into his rather messy cubicle. “Geez. Calm down with your cases, buddy.”

“This is only for the meantime.” He scratched his neck and stared at the scattered papers and folders. “I’d like a creampuff, though. A creampuff sounds nice in these trying times.”

“Aight. I’ll bring you a box later.” You said as you exited the floor.

It only took a few minutes but you were now seated in another desk. One where you wished you were not a part of. Greeting the heroes who had just entered the meeting room, you smiled at the sight of Deku and Mirio.

“(l/n)-san! Long time no see!” Deku greeted you and took the vacant seat beside you. “How’s work?”

“Work is work. How’s school? Are you holding up? Must be difficult to juggle this raid and academics.”

“It is but we have supplementary classes so I can manage.”

“Your classmates with Uraraka, Asui, and Kirishima, right?”

“Yeah!”

Exchanging a few more small talk with the heroes, you locked eyes with the hero sitting beside you. The scruffy hair, eyes that looked like they haven’t slept a single second, and the trademark scarf resting on his shoulders. Giving a shy smile, Aizawa merely responded with a lazy nod before Nighteye finally entered the room.

“As you all know, today’s agenda will be task distribution. Let’s get on with the details now, shall we?”

The tasks were distributed rather well. Fatgum Agency would be accompanying the front of the team. Right alongside Nighteye and Aizawa. The other heroes were tasked to stay outside and guard the entrance for any possible nuances that might occur. The police staff were divided into two groups. Being given ample time to assign which officers would be in the outer and inner group, you merely nodded and took the list of names.

‘Great. More work.’ Flipping the pages, most officers were people you had worked with before. At least things wouldn’t be so difficult.

“(l/n)-san?” Nighteye snapped your thoughts away. Adjusting his glasses, he rested his elbows on the desk and leaned in. “How’s the task of bugging Overhaul?”

“I haven’t been in touch with any of them for a few days now. I will be trying this week if the situation allows.”

“Alright. If that succeeds then things will go much smoother and will surely pick up speed. Best of luck. Any questions?”

“Are there any updates about the League of Villains being tied with them?” Deku asked.

“As of the moment, there’s no movement from them. So, it’s safe to assume that they only have minor participation in said event.” Nighteye replied without batting an eyelash. He really was confident in this raid.

Feeling guilt rushing through your veins, you shifted in your seat and silently exhaled. Once Nighteye gave the adjournment, you scurried out of the room and made your way to the cafe. It was a bit traffic but you would still be able to arrive on time. With the cafe being near the station, parking would be no trouble.

When things were now settled, you were now walking towards the cafe and found yourself now standing in front of the cashier and saying your order. Taking your number, you looked for a private booth and sat there. It rested in the corner so Tetsu wouldn’t be too uncomfy.

When the clock struck 4, you were now staring at the lobby waiting for that Tetsu to arrive.

Sure enough, a man with a hood entered the cafe and made eye contact with you. Seeing as he walked towards your booth, it was safe to assume that this was Tetsu.

“Are you Tetsu?” You asked the man wearing the hood. With the sunglasses and mask, you could only make out such little skin his face had.

“I cannot stay long. But I came to hand this over.” He slid a small brown envelope. His head hanging low making sure you wouldn��t catch a glimpse at his covered face. “I hope this can assist your case.”

“To be fair, please stay while I go through the contents of this envelope.” Taking the envelope, you slid the content out only to have a sim card laying flat on your palm. “What kind of information does this hold, Tetsu-san?”

“That information is sensitive so you can check its contents before handing it over.”

“But, I’m not part of the Arson case anymore. Would you still want me to hand this in or redact a few messages.”

Overhaul did not mention you were no longer part of the case. Cursing at how blank his mind was, Kurono glanced at the environment before he exhaled deeply.

“I will only say this once, so listen carefully.” He uttered.

“This isn’t about the Arson case now, is it?” Sliding the sim card back, you carefully placed it inside your bag and focused on Tetsu. The words that came out of his mouth made your heart beat faster. Clenching your fists, you braced for whatever he would say next.

“Kai has been on edge and it’s been such a pain in the ass. I don’t know what the hell made you decide to mention Ackerwacker but you got what you wished for.” Kurono’s voice was low. Barely audible due to the cafe’s music. “But, it would be a lie if I said he hasn’t been more human ever since he met you.”

“Can you take your mask and shades off?”

“You’ll probably just arrest me right here.” Kurono took his shades off revealing familiar gray eyes.

“You were that guy from the restaurant?” Your eyes widened at the realization that Overhaul had interfered that early on. “Not that I’m complaining or anything, but ya’ll did me a great favor.”

A slight smirk appeared on his lips as he took the mask off. It felt different having his face exposed after a long time.

“I can see why he took interest in you.”

“Why meet me, though? Wouldn’t this only risk in you being overhauled and shit?”

“I have my ways. Kai instructed me to get rid of his sim card but I don’t know. Perhaps you can make use of it in your private life.”

“Well, to be honest, the heroes don’t fully trust me.” You shrugged. That was nothing new. “It sucks having to juggle work and personal feelings in this particular case. Guess both of us are in a pinch.”

“Perks of being with Kai.”

“You should probably get going… Chronostasis, right?” Putting his disguise back on, a switch flipped in your mind. “Hey you mind if I get your number? If you have one, ofcourse.”

“Why?”

“I like to make my connections.” You winked. When he took out his phone, you in turn took something out of your pocket. Placing it on the table, you pushed the small box towards the villain. “I’ll text you the instructions later, aight?”

“What’s this?”

“You’ll know when you open it.”

With that, Kurono pocketed the small box and left the cafe. When he was out of sight, you rubbed your face and groaned.

“Damn it.”

- - - - -

a/n: hohoho Kurono now enters the picture! hope ya’ll enjoyed this chapter! :) Mimick is still writing down Overhaul’s waiting list! if you guys have any questions or just wanna be tagged :) feel free to spam me! take care!

#overhaul x reader #overhaul #bnha overhaul #mha overhaul #chisaki kai x reader #bnha chisaki kai #mha chisaki kai #chisaki kai #bnha chisaki #chisaki x reader

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borealopelta · 4 years ago

Note

It’s ⛵ again!! I just finished episode 10 and let me tell you I experienced the full range of human emotion over the course of these 54 minutes

I don’t even know where to start

The utter hopelessness and despair underlying the entire show which I didn’t think could get any worse did increase one final time with crozier finding all his men dead, the mission having failed, him having failed all the promises he made to the men. Him being the only one left, accepting his fate and not revealing himself to the people who came to the village after him and then the final shot of him with the child in the middle of the ice made me feel a way I can’t describe

Also the death of Mr Goodsir and the non-mutiny camp leaving their sick behind felt like any bit of hope and humanity they had left had vanished into nothing, that made me almost cry

What did make me cry was Mr Jopson’s (?) death (and his hallucination right before) and the feeling of abandonment and hopelessness and disappointment (?) he must’ve felt oh Jesus that hurt

Oh and “Mr Hickey” the bastard rat I despise him more and more the longer he’s on screen ugh

His stupid face and the way he acted right before the big attack, truly despicable behaviour. Horrible man, but he met his fate soooo

I’m really sorry to see Silna go, and with that pretty much the only person crozier had had a connection to :/

I’ve really warmed up to crozier over the course of this!! I’ll very much have to take back what I said about him in the beginning.

Thank you for getting me into this wonderful, heart-breaking story and introducing me to a new fascination (polar expeditions) that I've fallen into a research hole in and will be annoying everyone I know with for the rest of the year

Yeah just. Yeah... Ep10 is my least favourite because it makes me feel so hopeless and devastated like it's a fantastic episode i just Cannot Cope With It gdhfhdjdjdk anyway! Absolutely love to hear that you warmed up to Crozier, genuinely love that man to bits so yeah 💞💞💞💞 ⛵ anon's redemption arc

Jopson's death is.... :| there are no words. not even that long before Francis promises not to leave anyone behind, looks at Jopson SPECIFICALLY because Jopson is ill and scared and then Crozier gets kidnapped and what's left of the Terror squad leaves and Jopson dies thinking Francis left him behind. Horrible horrible horrible thing to watch repeatedly. Same for Goodsir - not even his death, cause like as upsetting it is it's beautifully shot and i never can look away from it but Francis' "you'd waste this man? of all men?" and Silna's quiet little :((( when she sees him.....

Thank you for keeping me updated on your watching! This was really fun, and ya know if you want to keep talking about cold boys i'm here 👀

#also yeah francis' ending makes sense but its heartbreaking FUCK #asked and answered #anonymous #⛵ anon #the terror #the terror spoilers #jopson's death tw

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jornthur · 4 years ago

Text

“Unshaken” Chapter 10

Originally posted: June 8, 2020

Arthur Morgan x Reader, Slow-Burn Romance

Summary: You save a mysterious man who is dying on a mountain. Finding out he has Tuberculosis, you use your knowledge and skills with herbs and natural remedies to save him from death and help nurse him back to health. As he slowly starts to recover, you can’t help but wonder: Who is this man? Why had you found him the way that you did, beaten and ill? Only time, patience … and perhaps love … will tell.

•••••

The first mile was peaceful, and Arthur looked around as the wagon strolled down a narrow dirt path through the thick forest. The trees were tall, the hilly landscape like the huge waves of the ocean. His heart almost skipped a beat when he recalled those monstrous walls of water when he was on board that ship. Never again was he ever going on another damn boat as long as he lived.

He took in a deep breath, the smell and feel of the fresh forest air overcoming and relaxing his senses. It felt so good to be out in the wild again, he had to admit. He’d actually found himself missing the familiar scent of wilderness, reminding him of all those nights when he’d been out on his own, hunting, camping, whatever the hell he felt like doing.

Arthur almost laughed to himself then.

He was still here … still alive … still breathing … And the rest of the world believed he was dead, including his old friends — or what was left of them. Anger began to simmer deep within his gut at the thought of Dutch, Micah’s betrayal, what they’d done to him and John, the rest of the gang. He squeezed his eyes shut, lifting his hand to tug at the brim of his new hat, trying to find comfort in the new gift. All he could tell himself was that Marston was safe. The boy was an idiot, sure, but when it came to his family and their safety, Arthur knew nothing would stand in John’s way.

A gentle gust of wind hit him, blowing back his hair and cooling what little heat had begun to grow in his cheeks from the anger he felt. Arthur let out a sigh, allowing the cool feeling to seep into his skin. Looking around, he took in the surrounding views. He knew he was somewhere far north of Roanoke Ridge, but he’d never been up this far before Y/N and Austin had taken him in.

The place was beautiful, he thought, taking in the towering trees around them. He’d learned a few interesting terms from Y/N’s herbalist books. He’d been drawn to those bookshelves of hers many times while he’d been cooped up in that cabin, if only to avoid dying from boredom rather than Tuberculosis. Turned out he’d ended up drawn to the knowledge.

There were so many kinds of trees he could now identify— Spruce, Cedars, Pines, Oaks, and very many Sequoia trees. These trees were extremely tall, forming a thick canopy of leaves far overhead, the sunshine piercing through them in rays, hitting the ground with glowing warm light.

The air smelled so fresh as well, and Arthur took in another deep breath, relishing the real cool feeling in his lungs and the fresh and unique smells around him. There was so much plant life growing up here, all kinds of colorful flowers and foliage dotting the thick green grass everywhere. Damn, this area was gorgeous.

Arthur reached up again and stroked the feather on his hat gently, the bristles soft as, well, a feather. He gripped the crown and took the hat off, lowering it to his lap so he could examine it further. The black leather was worn, but genuine, and he could tell it was made from real cowhide, examining the hundreds of skin pores scattered all over. He ran a finger over the brown braided leather tied around the crown of the hat, similar to how his father’s hat had the looped rope. The texture was rough, but also soft, little furs sticking up here and there from years of use.

Then Arthur looked at the feather, and he squinted, his brows drawing down tight as he stroked the thing with the tip of his finger. It was that of a great-horned owl, a primary feather from the wing, the black and gold colored stripes giving away its identity. He wondered, then … why an owl feather? Maybe it was just something her grandfather hadn’t thought much about, but sometimes a certain kind of bird feather in a cowboy’s hat had a meaning behind it.

Thinking back, he recalled Y/N telling him that her grandfather hadn’t lived ‘the best life.’ That he’d been some kind of wanderer. Arthur found himself being curious as to what exactly she had meant. A wanderer?

What kind of life had the old man lived that had her hesitating to tell him the whole story? And what of the feather?

A cough escaped him, and he lifted a had to cover his mouth, clearing his throat then.

Austin looked over at him with curious eyes, “You alright, cowpoke?”

Arthur couldn’t help but give a small smile as he turned his head to face the young man, narrowing his eyes at him, “I’m just fine, little feller, how ’bout yourself?”

The brother narrowed his eyes in return, showing that he was clearly offended by the term Arthur had used on him, “I ain’t ‘little.’”

Arthur laughed, “Why, sure you is, little feller. As long as you call me a cowpoke, I’ll keep callin’ you little. Sound fair?”

Austin grunted, “Not really.” He reached up to scratch at his cheek, then added, “But you kinda do strike me as a cowpoke.”

“Well, you strike me as little, boah,” Arthur said with a grin, his voice a low rough tone as he patted his chest with an open palm, “And it’ll be much worse if you ain’t careful, son.”

Austin grunted, letting out a huff as if he wasn’t amused with Arthur’s teasing in the least.

Several more moments of silence passed, and Arthur gently placed the hat back on his head.

“So she decided to give you our grandfather’s hat, huh?” Austin asked, his voice sounding a bit sour as he cracked the reins again.

Arthur looked over at him, noting the expression the boy had on his face. He didn’t look angry, exactly, but from his eyes Arthur could tell there was some kind of story. “What do you mean?” He asked.

Austin let out a long sigh, “Well, I know she told you it belonged to our grandfather, and he weren’t the best man when he was alive. I never wanted to touch the damn thing after he died.” He lifted his eyes to meet Arthur’s, “Kinda feels weird that you’re wearin’ it, s’all.”

Arthur took that moment as a chance to find out what he could, maybe the brother could give him some of the information he’d been wondering about. “Who was he?”

Austin let out a sarcastic laugh, “I don’t think that’s for me to say. If she didn’t tell you, I don’t think I should be the one to do so.”

Arthur’s natural instinct would’ve been to reach out and choke the bastard to get the information he wanted. It was a feeling he was used to whenever assholes gave him a hard time, but he could respect the brother for looking after his sister.

Another curious thought occurred to him then, and he couldn’t help but ask, “What were y’all doin’ before you found me up on that mountain?”

He could see Austin freeze up at the question, and the young man turned his gaze over to look at him, “You mean that night? We were travelin’ back from Emerald Ranch. Y/N needed to do a trade for some of the supplies we needed for the horses. We have a few contacts scattered here and there for supplies we need that we can’t get up here, and sometimes we need to travel a ways to get them.

“We were supposed to arrive home sometime in the late evening, but we ran into this strange man on the road. He looked odd, short gray dreads, green bandana around his head, weird old clothing. Said his name was William.”

Arthur stilled at that.

“But anyhow,” Austin continued, not noticing that Arthur had suddenly froze, “he was camping out on the side of the road near Moonstone Pond, and he had all these strange plants he seemed to be workin’ with. Of course, it grabbed Y/N’s attention and he invited us over, so she and I stopped to chat with him for a while.” Austin chuckled as he recalled the memory, “What was supposed to be a small chat ended up bein’ a two-hour conversation. I didn’t really listen to what they were sayin’ since I was wrapped up in a book I’ve been readin’. Eventually I had to pull her away since it was gettin’ late.

“When we were just about to leave, she mentioned a special plant that grew over by O’Creagh’s Run, must’ve been somethin’ they were talkin’ about earlier. I was about to say no, but she gave me this look. She has this thing that she does with her eyes, drives me crazy ’cuz I can’t turn her down when she does it.

“So we headed over there, and I stopped the wagon by the small lake so she could explore the area. I just hung out under a tree with my book to pass the time … That’s when we heard the sounds.”

Arthur lifted his head and narrowed his eyes, “Sounds?”

“Gunshots, shoutin’ — We was goin’ to leave the area as quickly as possible, but — well, Y/N could hear the struggles, fighting, a man in pain, and she couldn’t stop herself.” Austin paused, as if he were deep in thought, “We saw someone runnin’ away from the mountain before they disappeared into the trees. I didn’t really get a good look at the man, but it looked like he had dirty, long blonde hair … someone you knew?”

The fury that suddenly welled in Arthur’s chest didn’t surprise him in the least damn bit.

Micah.

That damned rat.

The rat that weaseled his way in and ultimately destroyed the Van Der Linde gang in such a short amount of time.

Twenty goddamned years of loyalty and service to Dutch, and the old fool had decided to listen and believe someone who’d just joined the gang not half a year ago, a man who’d only been out for himself in the end … Just like Dutch …

“Arthur?”

Austin’s voice interrupted Arthur’s thoughts and snapped him back to reality. “Yeah, sorry ’bout that, kid. Just thinkin’.”

Austin seemed to have picked up on Arthur’s mood, no doubt from the gravel Arthur felt in his throat from the emotion that had just been about to take him over. He couldn’t dwell on such things, not right now. What good did it do?

At that moment another thought occurred to him, “You didn’t want Y/N takin’ me in, did you?” He stated it as fact since he knew the answer, but he found himself wanting to hear what Austin’s response would be.

The boy chuckled darkly, looking straight ahead at the narrow dirt trail. “Honestly, when we heard the gunshots, I thought it was going to be a trap, an ambush of some kind. But Y/N … When we reached that mountain and found you laying on that rock, it was like she didn’t care about anythin’ else in the world but you.” He cleared his throat, “The whole time I was worried that she was going to get herself killed, being so close to a stranger. I feared that something terrible would happen, like you would have a knife hidden on you, or a friend of yours would come leaping out of a hiding spot and shoot her dead.” Austin lowered his head, looking down at his lap as if lost in thought, “To tell you the truth, I don’t know what I would’ve done had that been the case. Y/N is my whole world right now, and she matters to me more than anythin’ else in my pathetic life.”

Arthur’s eyes softened, almost finding himself sympathizing with the poor boy, but he continued to listen.

“When she insisted on taking you to our cabin, I nearly lost it. Watching her take you in and nurse you back to health every day, I couldn’t help but fear for the worst. I still thought you had something evil planned. Some monsters would go to any length to take advantage and trick people like us to get what they want, even if it’s hurtin’ one of their own.”

The boy was smart, Arthur admitted to himself. There were definitely men like that out there, and he should damn well know.

“But when she mentioned you had Tuberculosis, and I began seeing the signs from you, how truly sick you were — I guess … Well, I guess I noticed how stupid I was bein’ at that point — but I was too proud to admit it.

“After you showed your skills with the gun, I realized you could’ve killed us both whenever you wanted long before that point. The thought was scary, of course, but finally seeing that all you needed was a gun or your bare hands to take us both out and you never did? Well, I guess you can say my stupidity wore off a lil’ bit at that point.”

Arthur grinned, amused with Austin’s confession at how much of an idiot he had been for all the trouble he’d given him.

But could he fully blame Austin? The boy was just looking after his sister, and Arthur couldn’t do nothing but respect him for it. “Don’t hurt yourself too much over it, boah. You’re just lookin’ after her, I understand. In fact,” he leaned back and rolled his shoulders, stretching out the tension in his back, “I kinda like that.”

Austin acknowledged his statement with a small nod and a smile. “I love her, I really do. She’s family, and the most wonderful person I know.” He narrowed his eyes at Arthur and teased, “If you ever hurt her, though, I’ll make sure to shoot you square in the chest, got it?”

Arthur threw back his head and laughed at the threat, “If you say so. But don’t you worry — I ain’t got plans for that.” The fact that the young man had the courage to actually threaten him was truly entertaining, and Arthur couldn’t help but note how much smaller the man actually was compared to him. Arthur had a good six inches on him in height, and a whole lot more muscle, despite the fact that he was still sick. The boy worked hard, but they clearly didn’t eat enough for him to gain a whole lot of meat on his bones. He was about as contrasted as he could be compared to Arthur.

He was grateful Austin had finally swallowed his pride down enough in order to ask him how to hunt. They truly did need it, and he would do his best to teach them. It was the least he could do for him and his sister after everything they’d done for him.

The next several moments were quiet, minus the sound of Lily’s hooves hitting the ground and the tittering of birds high up in the trees.

“So what’s it like livin’ up here?” Arthur asked. “It don’t seem too bad.”

“It ain’t,” Austin replied with a shrug, “It was tough for the first few months, but we managed. Built ourselves a camp, then eventually built ourselves a cabin — then the stables for the horses and other animals.” He cleared his throat, “Of course it’s been hard, what with my lack of huntin’ skills, but Y/N absolutely loves it. She enjoys bein’ surrounded by all the wildlife and plants.”

Arthur found himself suddenly more invested, wanting to know more about Y/N and her passions. “And her garden?”

“She’s been in love with flowers since she was a tiny thing. When we came up here, she brought a few supplies that belonged to our mother, and she got to work on that garden right away.” He let out a small laugh, “What started as a small batch of flowers and herbs turned into a small estate of all kinds of plants. She’s been finding different herbs all over the place and replanting them here for the past three years. Every month it gets larger and larger. I’ll admit, it looks pretty damn beautiful.”

Arthur grinned. “That is does,” he agreed with a nod. It did indeed, Y/N’s garden was a pretty good size, and the colorful shrubbery was a marvel to look at, truthfully. He’d been able to see it out through one of the windows as he’d been recovering on that couch all that time …

“So how are you feeling, Arthur?” Austin asked, breaking the silence.

Arthur turned his head to look at him, “What?”

Austin lifted a hand to point at his chest, “Your TB, you were coughing a bit earlier, just checking to see how you’re feelin’ now?”

Arthur rubbed his own palm over his chest, “I’m just fine, you’re sister’s got some healin’ magic goin’ on with those herbs of hers.”

The boy’s laugh was loud and sharp, “Y/N has a talent with nature, that’s for damn sure. I swear she may be Mother Nature herself.”

The two men’s laughter echoed through the trees as they travelled further down the trail. A squirrel skittered across the ground, and Arthur watched it disappear into the thick foliage on the other side.

More time passed, until finally they reached a small clearing. Arthur lifted his finger to point over to a small grassy area. “That’s a good spot to start.”

Austin pulled back the reins until Lily stopped, bringing the wagon to a halt. He looked over to where he was pointing and lifted a brow, “Really? Doesn’t seem like the kind of spot wildlife would be, it’s too open.”

Arthur gave him a bewildered look. “Wildlife don’t always need to be in a particular spot in order for you to track ’em, Austin.” He said, his drawl annoyed, letting the young man know through his tone that what Austin had stated was completely idiotic. He got up and climbed down out of the wagon, walking towards the small patch, “This area’s got plenty of plant-life, tellin’ you it’s a good spot to start pickin’ up trails.” He narrowed his eyes as he placed his hands on his belt, turning his head as he took in the surrounding forest. “It’s perfect for grazin’, plenty of cover ’round here if they need it.”

Austin crawled out of the wagon, grabbing his carbine repeater. It was smart — even though they didn’t need it for killing today, it was better to be safe than get caught off-guard by any wild predators. He walked over to Arthur, and Arthur began walking slowly across the grass, looking down to examine the dirt. “Now whatchu wanna do is look for any signs, footprints, fur, dung, broken branches and whatnot.” He took several steps forward, crouching low so he could see better.

Austin did the same, crouching to help look around for anything they could pick up. “So look for those things, got it.” He said, crawling low to the ground.

“You also wanna be quiet as possible, don’t wanna draw any attention towards yourself or you’ll scare off anythin’ nearby. Same thing can be said about your gun.” Arthur looked over his shoulder at him, “You ever use a bow before, boah?”

Austin shook his head, “Only a couple times when I was young. We got one up by the cabin stored in the shed. Another thing that belonged to our grandfather, but I never touched the damned thing.”

Arthur huffed, amused at the other man’s stubborn nature. “It’s a useful weapon, kid, it can be used to make quiet kills so you don’t frighten off any wildlife in the near vicinity.”

The young man just let out a grunt, “I ain’t touchin’ that thing.”

Arthur just shrugged at the boy’s pride, “Up to you, but I highly suggest you start learnin’ how to use it.”

Over the next several minutes, they examined the grounds, both of them crawling quietly through the tall grass.

“Arthur?”

Austin’s whispered voice reached Arthur’s ear, and he turned to see him waving his arm, gesturing for him to come over. He made his way over, and once he was beside Austin the kid pointed at a few small hoof prints in the soil. He smiled, “Good job there, feller, now see if you can follow them.”

The boy nodded and did just that. Over the next half hour, Arthur continued to help him by pointing out other signs, such as crushed grass, a couple broken branches, and bits of fur here and there. The last sign was several strange marks on one of the trees twenty yards away. ‘Tree rubs,’ of course.

“This way,” Arthur whispered, leading them quietly through a few tall bushes.

Finally they reached a new wide-open clearing. This one had a small pond directly in the center, and in the distance, Arthur spotted the white-tailed buck grazing on some of the lush green grass at its feet.

For a moment, Arthur froze, recalling all the dreams he’d been having. The buck looked so similar to the one in his dreams; the size, the coat, the large antlers it displayed. Every single detail was precise.

Austin sat beside him, and Arthur felt rather than heard the boy lifting his gun.

At that moment, a doe and two young fawns appeared from behind one of the large boulders, the three of them approaching the large buck.

Arthur grabbed the barrel of the gun before Austin could aim the thing.

He watched as the doe came over to the buck with the two young close behind her, and the creatures nuzzled each other lovingly.

It was a sight that Arthur found himself lost in, and he couldn’t help but think of his own family, what was, what could have been, what might have been … If he’d only chosen a different life for himself …

What the hell was wrong with him?

“What the hell are you doin’, Arthur?”

Austin’s voice echoed his thoughts, snapping him back out from his mind. Arthur cleared his throat, “Let’s leave ’em be, kid.” He was going to leave it at that, but then he added “We promised Y/N, remember? Just trackin’.”

Austin gave him a strange look, but after a couple of moments he seemed to decide not to argue with him. “So what now?”

Arthur gazed at the family of deer a few seconds longer, then he flicked his gaze over to Austin, “I don’t know. I reckon we should head on back,” he turned to face the younger man, “You suppose your ready to travel back?”

Again with that strange look, what the hell was Austin seeing? Had Arthur suddenly grown his own pair of antlers? What was running through that boy’s mind?

Finally, he answered, “I guess so, I think I learned plenty today.” They both stood quietly and started heading back towards the wagon. Austin tucked the gun strap over his shoulder, reaching up to scratch at his cheek again. “I’ll admit that was actually quite fun. Thanks, Arthur. You’re a pretty great tracker, in all honesty.”

The compliment felt strange, Arthur thought, especially coming from Austin of all people, but he supposed he would take it. The boy was grateful, having learned something that would be incredibly useful for him and his sister when it came to their survival. “It ain’t no cake walk after this, boah. We still got a long way to go, trackin’ requires a lot of patience — an eagle’s eye.”

Austin nodded, giving him a small smile, “I suppose that makes sense. A lot of patience — kinda like fishin’?”

Arthur let out a genuine laugh at that, “I guess you’re right.”

2 Weeks Later …

Birds tittered high up in the trees, singing there own unique songs as the sun’s rays bore down on your back. The weather was absolutely gorgeous today, you thought to yourself as you knelt in your garden. You were in a cheery mood, humming softly as you pruned several of the herbs and flowers. You looked over your shoulder to see that Arthur was still relaxing on the porch swing, working on something in his journal. Writing or drawing? You had no clue, but you were going to leave him to his privacy.

The last two weeks had been quite the ride.

Arthur’s body was improving, his skin and muscles filling back out with each passing week. Even though his blood still showed signs of leftover Tuberculosis bacteria, it was clear his body was slowly but successfully fighting it off. You continued to give him treatments every other day, and he still took daily doses of honey per your instructions.

But despite the fact his body was getting better physically, you knew the herbs and medication still had a large impact on both his physical and mental state, so you still urged him to be cautious with his actions so that he didn’t overwork himself too much. It was crucial for him to stay in a calm state so his mind and body wouldn’t somehow become unstable.

He’d been sleeping a lot better. Every night you woke up to check on him, and Arthur was sleeping peacefully every time. Truly, it made you happy to see him so relaxed now. Ever since you’d sung that lullaby for him so many nights ago, that nightmare of his hadn’t seemed to come back. Though you still wondered who this John was, no matter how much it bothered you, you didn’t want to risk bringing anymore pain to Arthur.

For the past several days Arthur had been on his feet helping out around the cabin, whether it was doing chores or hunting with Austin, he managed to keep himself busy throughout the day. He was regaining the muscle and healthy tone he’d no doubt once had before, his face, eyes, and cheeks becoming full once more, and he was beginning to gain a tan from being out in the sun so much now.

Ever since you had given it to him, not once had Arthur ever taken off his new hat. Unless he was asleep or bathing, the thing rarely ever left his head.

It really did look good on him.

You had to admit, the man was absolutely stunning. Whenever he worked or did any kind of physical labor, you couldn’t help but watch those muscles in his body sometimes, how they moved and flexed beneath his skin, noting the healthy shine of sweat on his face, his neck, his forearms, and God help you, but sometimes he went shirtless when he worked, and it was all you could do not to throw yourself at the man. Push him to the ground and take him there and then —

What on earth was wrong with you? You shook your head hard, trying to perish those dirty thoughts from your mind. You weren’t exactly a plucked flower, but you’d read enough romance novels to give yourself plenty of naughty imagination.

Letting out a sigh, you plucked another dead leaf. There were so many scars across his body, old and new, but one stuck out to you the most. You recalled the scar you’d seen on Arthur’s chest, just above his left pectoral. There was no doubt it was a gunshot wound, the scar tissue around it having sunken down into the ruined flesh. It had long since healed, but the skin there was still pink, still soft, so it hadn’t been too long since it was inflicted on him. Again you wondered, what had happened to him? Who’d shot him? Why? The thoughts of possibility raced through your head, but going off his nature and what you’d seen of him thus far, you couldn’t come to a conclusion or even imagine why anyone would want to hurt that man.

Reaching out to crush another dead leaf, you smiled to yourself.

Arthur was strong … indeed he was a fighter.

You’d slowly been getting more and more comfortable with the thought of Arthur going out with Austin on his hunting trips, allowing them to start traveling out as far as they needed to go. Food was getting low, and finally you’d told the two boys that they could start hunting for game if they wished. You were proud of them both, for keeping to their word and staying safe.

You could tell your brother was improving with his skills thanks to Arthur, just last week they had managed to bring back a boar, and Arthur had told you that your brother had managed to track it down on his own, but Austin had admitted that he’d missed the first few shots, and Arthur had to kill the boar himself. The two had slowly been getting along, you’d noticed. It was more than refreshing to see.

Arthur had been helping Austin out with his aim several times over the last two weeks, the two of them practicing down by the stream in the late evenings.

You would stay back and watch to observe every chance you got. Honestly, you secretly wished it was you Arthur was teaching. To show you how to handle a gun, how to aim it, how to shoot. You had no idea how to use a weapon, so you picked up whatever you could from the two of them.

Your brother had recently started working with your grandfather’s bow, which confused you at first, since he’d always insisted on using his own carbine repeater. But then he’d explained to you that Arthur had told him it was a stealthy hunting tactic in order to capture more game.

Finally, you’d understood. Winter was slowly approaching, and it was more than important to learn how to use a much quieter weapon, especially when wildlife was so much more scarce during the cold parts of the year.

But — despite countless hours of practice — Austin hadn’t managed to get the hang of it, which worried you somewhat. Poor man, each time he tried aiming an arrow, the thing would wobble in his grip and the shot itself ended up with the arrow landing on the ground only a few feet away. No matter how Arthur instructed him, it seemed hopeless. At one point Austin had nearly thrown the thing into the stream, shouting something about how the bow wasn’t working properly. But Arthur had tested the thing for himself, and of course it worked flawlessly when he’d used it, the arrow finding its mark perfectly on one of the trees he’d been aiming for..

You’d found yourself strangely drawn to the weapon, you had to admit, though you weren’t quite sure why.

The bow itself was very beautiful. The long round limbs were made of dark maple wood, painted with some kind of glossy coating to protect the wood from wear and tear. The handle was wrapped in finely engraved black leather strips. There were several more curly engravings that ran along the weapon itself, and two small metal owl heads were placed at each end, the beaks holding the tight silver bowstring.

A part of you really wanted to try it out for yourself at some point.

The two men were planning on going on another hunting trip today, so it was going to be another quiet evening alone at the cabin for you. Strangely enough, even though you finally felt comfortable with them both being gone, you still weren’t quite used to it.

“How you doin’ there, Y/N?”

Arthur’s deep voice nearly had you jumping out of your skin. You leapt to your feet and turned around to face him. “Arthur!” Your voice cracked, and you cleared your throat, “I didn’t hear you comin’ over.”

Grinning, he let out a soft chuckle, “Sorry bout that, honey, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“You’re fine,” you said, waving off his apology.

He looked over your shoulder at the plants behind you, “So what’re you doin’?”

You turned to look down at the herbs you’d been working on, “Oh, well I was just pruning some of the plants.” At his questioning look you added, “Sometimes some of the leaves or stems die and I need to take them off, otherwise it could cause disease and the nutrients inside the plants are wasted trying to feed what’s no longer alive. When I get rid of the dead pieces it allows them to focus on keeping the rest of the plant strong and healthy.”

Arthur nodded, though you had the feeling he was only pretending to understand what you were talking about in order to make you feel better, going by the confused look and his face; his eyes narrowed, his mouth her in a small grimace. “So these herbs,” he cleared his throat, “them what you used to treat my TB with?”

His curiosity nearly had you taken aback. Honestly, you hadn’t really expected him to care enough to ask such a question. “Yes,” you said, your voice soft as you looked up at him, “I — I gather pieces from them from time to time and make several elixirs and medications from their properties.” You pointed to one of the plants, “That right there is Ginger, it’s used as an antioxidant, which can help take care of some of the negative effects caused by most bacterias.” You pointed to several others, giving the names and explaining what each of them did.

By the time you’d named a few more, you looked back at Arthur, and his brows were drawn down tight, his hand rubbing at the side of his temple as if he’d gotten a headache. You nearly laughed, “I’m sorry, Arthur, I tend to get carried away sometimes.”

Arthur lifted a brow as if he were actually amused, “I can tell you really enjoy your work,” he said, a wide grin stretching those lips of his, “It’s really amazin’. You should be proud, honey.”

You lowered your eyes, feeling a blush creep into your cheeks, “Thank you, Arthur. I honestly wouldn’t know as much as I did without my mother’s journal. She taught me so much.” You voice nearly hitched, and you blinked several times in order to keep any tears from welling.

Arthur reached out and laid a warm hand on your shoulder in an effort to comfort you, “I’m sure she’d be real proud of you, Y/N.”

You couldn’t speak, so you just nodded in answer.

Several moments passed, and Arthur spoke again, “Austin mentioned to me that you ran into a man named William?”

Your head jerked up that that, surprised. “He told you about that?”

Arthur nodded, “The night you saved me from that mountain, told me you met an herbalist the same day. Quite a character.”

Your brows lifted, “You know him?”

“Yeah. Met him a few times, a long while ago, before — Well, before all that shit went down.”

“Language, Arthur!”

You both laughed, and he tipped his hat to you.

He was truly adorable, you thought as you smiled at him. You lifted your gaze to look at the hat. “So, how you liking your new hat, Arthur?”

Your question had him letting out a laugh as he ran his fingers across the leather brim. “Keep’s the sun outta my eyes, like you said,” he teased. His eyes softened then, those beautiful sapphire-emeralds seeming to stare directly into your soul. “Thank you, Y/N.”

His grateful smile alone nearly overwhelmed you, and you quickly spoke your next words before you found your idiot-self getting lost in his gaze. “I’m glad you like it. My grandmother made that hat for our grandfather when they were both young. It was … meant to stand for something … but he didn’t do it justice with the life he led. It needs to be worn by a good man. Someone like you.”

Arthur’s expression seemed to change at that moment, and you couldn’t help but notice the softness in his eyes suddenly grow hard.

•••••

A good man.

It was all Arthur could do not to lose himself then and there. To take the hat off and give it back to her immediately, to leave and never turn back even once. Dammit, he didn’t deserve to be here. He didn’t deserve the treatments he’d been given, all the hospitality, the food and shelter that Y/N and Austin had so generously given.

He wasn’t a good man, and he damn well knew it.

It was the second time she’d called him that, and he nearly had to bite his tongue. But what could he possibly say to her at that moment? That he wasn’t the man she truly thought he was? That he’d been a liar? A thief? A ruthless killer?

An outlaw …

Arthur did his best not to squeeze his eyes shut from the sudden pain that welled in his chest. What the hell was wrong with him? There was nothing he could say or do to get past the ache in his heart from those words.

For once, he was extremely grateful to hear that sill boy’s scratchy voice calling out to both of them.

Y/N smiled, looking over Arthur’s shoulder, “Austin, how are ya?”

Austin came jogging over, his face and clothes covered in dust and dirt from whatever work he’d been doing earlier. He stopped a few feet in front of them, “I’m doin’ just fine, sis,” he panted, nodding at Y/N and meeting Arthur’s gaze. “Hey, Arthur, so you ready for our next huntin’ trip?” The young man asked him, a naive yet excited smile spread across his face. Over the past two weeks he’d learned to enjoy the trips, getting to learn something new from them each and every time.

Arthur shrugged with a small chuckle, “That depends, are you?” He nodded at the dirt covering the boy.

Austin scratched his cheek, “Yeah, sorry about that, sir.” He brushed off the dirt from his clothes, “It ain’t nothin’, Just noticed the two of you over here and I wanted to see if you were prepared to head out.”

Over the last several days, Austin had grown the strange and somewhat annoying habit of calling him sir, and Arthur didn’t really know why. Was he trying to show some sort of respect toward him? Maybe after acting like such a dumbass over the past month, he might’ve thought addressing Arthur in that way would gain him redemption? It felt odd, and Arthur really wished he wouldn’t call him that, but he’d go along with it if it made the younger man feel better.

“Well, Austin,” Arthur said, clearing his throat, “Ready when you are, then.”

“Dandy! I found an interestin’ new spot I think we should go check out a ways up north, the wagon’s already loaded up and ready to go.” Austin stated, pointing over toward the stables where the coach stood, with Lily already attached to it. The boy was quick, Arthur thought. He must’ve been busy getting everything prepared while he and Y/N had been working on their own tasks.

Arthur lowered his eyes. On one hand he didn’t want to leave Y/N so abruptly, but on the other he needed to escape the tension that had suddenly risen in his gut from her words. A good man … how could he follow up that line with any further conversation? It hadn’t angered him, but he was tired of hearing it — from anyone. He gave a single nod, “Let’s head out, then.”

As Austin nodded and headed off toward the wagon, Arthur looked back over his shoulder to meet Y/N’s gaze, “We’ll be back soon, honey.” He said softly, winking and giving her a small grin. He hoped she wasn’t disappointed, but he needed to get out of there. Clear his head.

But she didn’t look upset. No, instead her eyes absolutely glowed as she gave him another one of her beautiful smiles. “Y’all stay safe, Arthur.” After a slight moment of hesitation, she returned his wink, “You keep Austin safe now.”

Her teasing helped the tension ease away somewhat, and he let out a chuckle, “Don’t you worry, I’ll keep him in line.”

With that, he headed over to join Austin on the wagon.

•••••

“So where we headed?” Arthur asked as Austin steered Lily up the narrow trail through the tall sequoia trees. He and the younger man waved farewell to Y/N with her returning the gesture as they disappeared around a large rock.

Austin lowered his hand, pulling out a piece of paper from his pocket. He unfolded it and handed it to Arthur, “There’s this new place I wanna check out, passed by it a few days ago while ridin’ Butch. Seemed interestin’.”

Arthur took the map and held it up, looking over a simple drawing of directions. They appeared to lead up north towards the larger mountains, further into the forest.

The kid pointed at a thick scribble he’d made on the paper, “That area right there, it’s right at the foot of the mountains between the trees. A small area of tall grass. I saw a family of elk there a couple times. If we can spot them again, I’m sure we can bring back enough food to last us for a month.”

What he said was true, one elk could last them quite a while. If they managed to kill one, they’d be set for weeks. Arthur folded the map back up and handed it back, “You seem to know what you’re doin’,” He said with a light laugh.

Austin shook his head, “Only a little, sir, it’s why I thought it best for you to come along on this one.”

Arthur shrugged, “You’ll get the hang of it soon enough, kid,” He reached out and patted the man’s shoulder. “I’ll look after ya.”

The younger man narrowed his eyes, “I don’t need no hand-holdin’, Arthur.”

Arthur’s heart suddenly skipped at those words, his smile dropping from his face as his eyes grew flat.

Those words … when had he last heard those exact words —

A memory flashed through his mind … Lenny …

He flinched, lowering his head as he reached up to tug down the brim of his hat, hiding his expression from the brother. The pain was almost unbearable … coming back to bit him in the ass once more.

The loss of his friends, of his family — it had only been a couple months, and the agony still felt just as sharp, as though it had only been yesterday when his life had completely fallen apart.

… What life, though?

Arthur nearly wanted to laugh at himself from the thought.

His family had meant everything to him, the bond they’d shared more real than anything else in the world.

But Arthur would be lying to himself if he’d thought what they had was any kind of real life. He’d spent the majority of his chasing a dream for a life he weren’t even sure about, along with the rest of the gang who’d followed over the years. He’d failed all of them. Hosea, Lenny, Kieran, Sean, Grimshaw, Mac, Davey, Jenny … they’d all had their own lives snatched away from them so abruptly.

They’d never had the chance for the life they’d so desperately fought for.

And the others … Charles, Sadie, Tilly, Mary-Beth, Uncle … Karen, Swanson, Trelawny … Where were they now?

The wonder of their whereabouts prodded his mind like a hot poker every single day. Even though he tried so hard to move on in hopes that they would do the same and lead normal lives, it was extremely difficult to do so. He only hoped they were all safe. They all deserved so much more after all the shit they went through in the gang.

And Jack, Abigail, John …

Arthur lifted his eyes to stare up at the sky, the sun’s bright rays peeking through the small clouds.

‘You’re my brother.’

Those words echoed through his mind, and he allowed himself a sad smile. He thought back to Sister Calderon, the words she’d spoken echoing in his head. ‘Take a gamble that love exists.’

Arthur wasn’t the religious type, but deep inside his heart he prayed for the sake of John and his family, for their safety, so that they may go on to live the lives they’d damn well earned.

John Marston. The man was a goddamn fool, but he loved Abigail and Jack, and Arthur knew he’d do anything to protect them.

They were safe.

He knew, deep down in his heart something told him. They were out there.

Time passed by quickly, and finally the wagon stopped. Arthur felt the seat lift as Austin hopped out, and he shook himself out of his thoughts, realizing that they’d arrived at the foot of the mountains. Arthur looked around, taking in the small grassy clearing. He raised a hand to lift the brim of his hat, looking up at the base of the mountain, a tall cliff that encircled half of the area. The other half was enclosed by the thick forest of trees that towered over them, their green and multi-colored coming-autumn leaves providing cool shade to the tiny meadow.

“We’re finally here,” Austin said cheerfully as he rolled his shoulders, stretching out the stiffness in his limbs. He walked behind the wagon to grab his carbine repeater.

Arthur examined the area closely. Indeed, it was a great area for wildlife of all kinds. Plenty of grass, soft ground, perfect temperature, and shelter. He narrowed his eyes, noting a small cave opening at the base of the cliff. It was too small for a bear or cougar, so it was probably just a family of deer, he thought. Still, they had to be cautious. It was an unexplored area. He looked over his shoulder as Austin approached him from behind and stared at the gun he held, “You need to get a handle on that bow soon, kid.” He said teasingly.

“I know, I know, and I ain’t a kid!” Austin snapped, “I’ve been tryin’ but I’m just hopeless with the damn thing!”

Arthur nearly laughed at the blush that crept into Austin’s cheeks as he looked away, unable to meet Arthur’s gaze.

He really had been trying his best, Arthur did notice, but the bow was turning out to be the boy’s natural enemy. Either he weren’t a good teacher, or the bow was truly hopeless for him. Where was Charles when he needed him, Arthur thought almost sadly.

Arthur shook his head at the thought, then threw his hand up in the general direction. “Lead the way.”

Austin gave a small but nervous nod, stepping forward and leading them both across the grass towards the cliff. They crept slowly and quietly, staying low to the tall grass to avoid being spotted by any of the nearby wildlife. There were small sounds here and there as Austin examined the grounds, but they were mostly from squirrels or small rabbits. Since Austin only had the gun with him, they weren’t going to risk scaring off any larger game by shooting and possibly missing smaller targets. Arthur had taught him to be careful with such things.

Gradually they got further and further away from the wagon, and Austin led Arthur towards the foot of the cliff. “There,” the younger man whispered, pointing toward some hoof-prints that had been left behind in the ground. They created a trail, and the two men followed it, making their way around the cliff. Finally, the tracks stopped at the base of some large rocks that formed a small ramp towards the top of the cliff. Austin began to climb, and Arthur followed behind him, as quiet as they could possibly be.

Suddenly a small rock bounced down from atop the cliff, landing in the small meadow below, and Arthur looked up, spotting a small glimpse of large antlers just over the peak. “There’s one,” Austin whispered next to him, having seen them as well.

“Alright, get your gun ready,” Arthur whispered back as they approached the top. His heart was racing, but he forced himself to calm down as they reached the top of the plateau. The elevated area was covered in thick foliage, and the two men hid behind the thick shrubbery as they made their way over to a large rock that provided solid cover.

Austin slowly and quietly cocked the gun, peering over at the large creature nibbling on some of the grass by the cliff-edge. It was a huge bull elk, appearing to weigh at least seven hundred and twenty-five pounds. The creature was definitely large, larger than any Arthur had seen in a long while. The creature was magnificent, he thought. The meat on its bones could definitely keep them fed for weeks.

He looked over at Austin, noticing that the boy was breathing hard, creating too much noise. “Calm yourself,” Arthur muttered, “Elk can hear very well, take a deep breath and let it out slow.”

Austin did as he was told, closing his eyes as he did so. “Alright,” he whispered, then he slowly began scooting forward. He crouched carefully, propping the barrel of the gun on the tip of the boulder.

A small loose rock was knocked off as the weapon was adjusted, landing with a small crack on the hard ground. The elk snatched its head up, its ears perked in their direction. It looked over toward their spot, and before Arthur could stop what happened next, Austin quickly stood from behind cover and fired the repeater.

It was so quick, the kid having not given himself the proper aiming stance, and the recoil shot him backwards, the bullet missing the elk as it pinged off the one of the rocks several feet away. The creature jumped, bounding off quickly in the opposite direction. Austin lifted his gun and fired a few more rounds as it fled down the cliff.

“What the hell are you doin’?!” Arthur grabbed the man’s firing arm as the elk disappeared into the forest below, Lily whinnying and rearing in the wagon as the creature sped by her.

The boy grunted from the small pain of his fall, “I’m sorry, sir,” he grimaced as he stood slowly, “I thought — I thought it heard us, I wanted to try and get it before it ran away —”

“Of course it heard us, you goddamn fool!” Arthur snapped, anger boiling in his blood. “But it didn’t see us! Now the whole damn forest knows we’re here.”

Austin lowered his head, no doubt feeling ashamed from his actions.

“All you had to do was stay still,” Arthur growled, snatching the firearm from Austin’s grip. “Start headin’ down to the wagon. Ain’t no hope of gettin’ anything out here now.”

The boy didn’t say anything, only giving a small nod as he turned away and headed towards the rocks. It was more than clear the man knew he’d made a mistake, and Arthur was more than upset with him. The next few moments were quiet as they started making their way down the way they’d came.

As soon as they reached the meadow, Arthur halted in his tracks, placing a hand to Austin’s chest to stop him, “Hold on.”

Austin looked at him questioningly, “What is it, sir?”

Arthur didn’t answer as he skimmed his gaze over the tall grass. Something wasn’t right. It was way too damn quiet …

Just then, a massive wolf lunged out of the shrubs from behind, jumping up and catching Arthur on his left shoulder, its sharp teeth sinking deep as its claws caught his flesh.

“Arthur!” Austin yelled.

Arthur shouted in pain as the force knocked him forward, his hat falling away as the heavy weight of the wolf bore down on his body. The gun was knocked out of his hands, and he hit the ground hard. His heart began to beat fast as sharp snarling noises pierced his ears, sharp claws digging deep into his shoulders, Arthur cried out as his flesh was torn open, and he began to struggle, trying his best to flip onto his back. He wasn’t going out without a fight.

The massive gray wolf was unbelievably strong, but Arthur managed to grip the wolf’s head, crushing its skull between his hands as hard as he could until the wolf let go, jumping off his body momentarily. He looked over to see the gun lying on the ground just a couple feet away.

Arthur flipped himself over just before the beast made another attempt and leapt back onto him, its teeth bared for another bite as it aimed for his throat. But Arthur barely managed to block its target by taking hold of the wolf’s neck with a single hand, using the other to try and reach for the gun. Blood was seeping from his neck and shoulders, and his heartbeat began rushing throughout his entire body as the sharp teeth gnashed and snapped just inches away from his face, getting closer as his strength grew weaker.

He let out a loud guttural sound and gathered all the strength he had left, finally managing to grip the gun and swing it through the air, using the butt of the handle to knock the large beast off of him. He staggered to his feet, aiming quickly as he fired the weapon, hitting the wolf square in the chest just as it rushed towards him again. With a loud whine the thing fell to the ground dead, and Arthur’s head whipped around as he heard more growling.

Two more wolves had crept out of the bushes and had cornered Austin near the cliff. The kid looked absolutely terrified as the beasts stalked toward him, his body having frozen entirely.

“Austin!” Damn him if he was going to let another person die on his watch.

Arthur’s gaze began to spin as he aimed at the wolves. He cocked the weapon, but he was seeing damn near triple of everything around him. He was losing blood fast, and he nearly collapsed as he began to feel light-headed. With no other choice, he let out a hard huff, and with everything he had left he lurched across the grass and lunged forward, pushing Austin aside just in time right before one of the the wolves ran towards them.

The heavy creature tackled Arthur’s body hard, causing him to collapse again as the weapon was knocked out of his hands once more. The butt of the cocked gun hit the ground and went off, a sharp whine echoing through the trees as the stray bullet miraculously hit the other wolf. It ran off, leaving a heavy trail of blood in its wake.

As the last wolf held Arthur to the ground, he thought this was going to be it. He had nothing left, he felt absolutely nothing, his mind having completely turned off as his own blood seeped out onto the ground beneath him, his weak limbs refusing to move as his vision began to dim.

Suddenly, another gunshot went off, and he felt a heavy weight fall onto his body. It was soon pushed off, but he found himself unable to care as his heartbeat started drumming between his ears.

Arthur looked up at the sky, his breathing barely audible as he struggled to take in any air. Everything had happened so damn fast … He could hear someone calling out his name. A man’s voice, but who? A blurry figure appeared over him as a dark red haze began to creep in around his vision, or was that just his imagination? Something hard pressed into his shoulder, and the pain shot through him like a lightning bolt.

Flashes began going through his mind, each one followed by his slowing heartbeats.

Two crosses, placed side by side …

… A large buck, lifting its head as it gazed off into the distance …

… The sun, setting just over the horizon.

Arthur thought of watching the sunrise … the last time he’d had this ethereal feeling … back wherever he’d been. A sunrise, now a sunset …

He felt his body getting lifted … was he finally leaving?

Just before he closed his eyes, a long howl echoed through his head.

•••••

— To Be Continued

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