#LOTR crack

[balrogballs]

What’s your core memory of watching the Lord of the Rings films for the first time because I will never forget how my extremely South Asian dad — during the emotionally climatic scene where Arwen is riding to the Havens and sees a vision of her son — paused, pointed, and said “Mashallah, Sister Arwen has accepted the hijab, alhamdulillah, praise be to god” and giggled for a good five minutes 😭

last time i shared this in a uni tolkien club someone called him a misogynistic fundamentalist because irl tolkien clubs are fucking deranged so please let me clarify that he was, in fact, joking.

[allbycharles]

One skinny elf and no fat shamming Legolas shut your mouth

[deus-sema]

The final exchange between Frodo and Galadriel in RoTK is hilarious when merged with the context of TRoP because the look that he gives her just screams:

'I know what you did last summer on that raft. You owe me my therapy bills for all the trauma your ex put me through. Would it have killed you to just open the fucking door for two minutes?'

[eye-of-mordor]

I'm tired of this flesh prison.

— Sauron

[starsofarda]

Ok, since @starshadeemilyart has inspired me, here's a spinoff, or several, of my post about the Finweans + Thingol in the Shire in the Third Age. Also PLS CHECK HER ART, IT'S FEFE FIGHTING LOBELIA SACKVILLE-BAGGINS!!!!!

Anyway, here's what I have to offer.

It's VERY long, so I am putting this under cut

MAGLOR'S HOBBIT EXTREME MAKEOVER

Well, as seen in my OG post, Maglor gets picked up on the way to Hobbiton. He is wearing shabby black robes and has seaweed in his hair, bc by now he IS the beach cryptid everyone talk about. At least, Hobbits know of him and treat him like we treat fairies.

It is a bit of a surprise for the Hobbits to know that he is technically a prince and lord and whatnot, and they take a good look at him and then at his brothers/father/cousins/uncle/whoever is Thingol and decide that the local cryptid needs a makeover. The Hobbit Way.

So Maglor gets gently bullied into following the Hobbit ladies, who insist that "This is for your own good, Mr. Cryptid, no gentleHobbit wears seaweed in their hair, also what is the last time you had a proper bath?"

They have to find the biggest bathtub ever known to Hobbit, which they do.

It takes the Hobbit ladies a good 5 hours, interlaced with Maglor trying to say "but my ladies, I have male body parts, you surely would be ashamed!" and "you really do not need to extend your kindness to me", to which he gets a "we have seen it all" because they are elderly grandmas who think the Cryptid is their child or something and have had countless kids and grandkids, and also "once again, it is for your own good!".

Well. Maglor comes back all cleaned up and dressed head to toe in Hobbit fashion: white shirt, red vest, navy coat and black trousers, hair neatly tied in a low ponytail (the grandmas had been waiting this moment since the first time they saw Maglor Being a Cryptid).

Feanor has to commend the grandmas, he offers to repair and rebuild everything they need, but he gets shushed with a "it's nothing, we were planning that for years and also you gave the nasty Sackville-Bagginses a run for their money and that's more than enough".

They also polished Maglor's harp properly.

The contrast with the Elvish robes the others are wearing is a bit jarring, but they all agree that it's an upgrade from "Seaweed Elf". They also commend the use of red, which is actually the family color (the Hobbits did not know that, they just thought it would fit him).

Later on Maglor will keep the Hobbit fashion, albeit slightly more adapted to himself and to Elvish customs.

RUSSINGON WEDDING

Yes, I mentioned Russingon Shire wedding and @starshadeemilyart made a brilliant piece on that, pls check it!

Anyway.

Fingon is called "The Valiant" for many reasons, but I am 1000% sure that in this context he is The Valiant for proposing:

Publicly at the Green Dragon

In front of all Elves and Hobbits

In front of his own father Fingolfin

Most importantly in front of Feanor himself.

Yes, Mae said yes. Of course he did, there was a lot of hugging and kissing and crying.

Yes, both Fefe and Golfin wanted to go kinslayer mode on their own offspring, but the assorted cheers from the Hobbits, consequent flower throwing and cousins/siblings joining in shenanigans stopped them.

Well, now the wedding is on. The family starts arguing over EVERYTHING.

From the robes to wear, to the circlets, to the jewelry, to the wedding rings, to the venue, to the food and drinks.

IDK if you have in mind the Reddit posts about the most inane arguments over a wedding. Yep, that's the Finweans.

Russingon NEARLY regret saying anything, plans to just elope are being drawn. That until the happy couple is dragged away from the drama by the Cottons and surrounded by Hobbits who have also dragged Bilbo out of his Hobbit hole for his (granted, very limited) knowledge about Elvish customs.

Mae and Fingon kindly fill in what they remember of their own parents' weddings and indeed the groom&groom's families have to participate somehow.

F&F get threatened on letting THINGOL organize the wedding and they would rather face Morgoth again than let him do ANYTHING for the wedding of their own offspring.

The Hobbits will supply food and drinks and venue, they are adamant about that. And ofc the suits/wedding rings for Russingon. Things are going great.

Curufin gets to build the altar and the decorations together with Feanor, Caranthir is in charge of the budget, Argon, Amras & Amrod are the ones spreading word and invites around the Shire. And ofc EVERYONE is going to show up, it's an (C)EventTM.

Celegorm helps hunting/gathering the beasts for the banquet, Maglor is in charge of the music - he has to be reminded that it is a JOYOUS event tho.

Fingolfin gets dragged away by Thingol and the Gaffer to take care of the flowers. No way they are letting any micromanaging maniac near the happy couple.

I have no idea of what Turgon does, but it's definitely in the "organizing the invitees list and the guestbook" area.

Gandalf supplies the fireworks.

The wedding is a blast, Fefe and Golfin get to bring their sons to the altar. Paladin Took, the Thane, to officiate the wedding.

It's a beautiful spring wedding, at the end of which Russingon get to ride off to their honeymoon into the sunset.

They come back and find a fully built house for them - Curufinwe and Junior had a lot of free time. It's a mix between an Elvish palace and a Hobbit hole. Russingon loves that to bits.

THINGOL AND THE GAFFER

Well. Thingol, amidst the Finwean shenanigans feels a little left out, until he spots the Gaffer tending to his garden. And he gets sad, because he is missing Doriath, he is missing his wife and he is missing everything.

So much loss over a rock.

Well, not even the spite bet done when Feanor fought Lobelia went well. But he knows gardening quite a lot, his wife was a Maia dammit! And the Gaffer is struggling with some sort of invasive species of weed that's killing his roses.

And he's like "my wife was the best, I know a thing or two, may I help?" and the Gaffer is like "yeah sure, I tried everything, the bloody weed keeps appearing, I am out of my wits."

And Thingol manages to draw out whatever power/knowledge he has left and the weed disappears in a couple of weeks. He and the Gaffer bond over gardening and Thingol becomes a lot more chill, but not chill enough to say sorry about the Silmarils.

Thingol loves pipeweed. The gardens in the Shire bloom beautifully and it almost looks like Doriath is there again. He does have to tone it down a few notches to not attract Sauron's servants tho.

Even the Finweans love and appreciate what happened with the gardens. Ofc they would love for him to say sorry about the Silmaril, but that's never gonna happen.

Thingol becomes the (second) best gardener. He lays down his crown for the farmer's hat. Somehow the Gamgees are blessed with everything needed to let nature grow and the strength and resilience needed to last an eternity.

CELEDHEL WEDDING

And well. If the Russingon wedding was not enough to send Feanor and Fingolfin's blood pressures to ungodly levels, now Aredhel and Celegorm arrive in front of them saying that they are getting married.

They both are about to say something when Turgon stands up in all his height and proclaims: "THESE TWO DO NOT NEED YOUR BLESSINGS BECAUSE THEY ALREADY HAVE MINE. i WOULD RATHER HAVE CELEGORM AS IN-LAW, THAN THE WRETCHED ELF WHO DEFILED MY SISTER."

He also adds that maybe having Celegorm as father figure will help Maeglin be less depressed when he gets re-embodied.

The only complaint Celegorm has is that Huan will not be there. When questioned about Huan, he responds that it was the name of his dear dog.

At the word "dog" Old Maggots gets summoned. He is bringing a puppy with him, ofc of the age when puppies can be on their own. He presents the puppy to the Elf. "It ain't magic, or trained yet, but if I lost me dogs I'd be called Mad Maggots! Hope your ladywife loves dogs too!"

And Celegorm looks at the puppy, looks at Old Maggots, picks up the puppy and presents it to Aredhel with teary eyes. "LOOK WE HAVE THE RINGBEARER! I AM ALREADY IN LOVE WITH THIS VERY GOOD BOY!"

And Aredhel looks at them both and sas "aw of course! He's going to be the best boy and ringbearer!"

And they both think it will end there.

Oh how wrong they are. The dog is being named Huan II and Celegorm spends time with him And Aredhel to train him properly, whilst they wait for the second wedding drama to unfold.

Tasks are distributed more or less in the same way as the Russingon wedding, this time however Fingon distracts Maedhros from micromanaging EVERYTHING.

Ofc groom and bride are dressed in Hobbit fashion.

Paladin Took is there to officiate once again.

The banquet however is a RIOT. There is a lot of drinking and dancing, if watching Celegorm and Aredhel stomping happily on the ground can be defined dancing.

It is there that finally Fefe and Golfin find it in their heart to get along. Like, properly get along, no more fighting unless it's petty small stuff and no more insulting each other.

Right before the wedding Namo decides to make Maeglin being re-embodied, he gets picked up by Gandalf, taken to Hobbiton, cue family reunion and being filled with anything happening. At least Maeglin is happy that his mother is actually marrying because she wants to and she is happy.

---

That's what I have so far. I have something cooking for Curufin and Celebrimbor, but I still have to elaborate on that.

[zevampirex]

Dream team✨

[vildo]

This is the kinda shit I wanna see Ungoliant do

[elves-as-things-my-friends-said]

Erestor: do we know anything about Legolas's mom?

Lindir: we don’t even know if she existed. For all we know Legolas just spawned fully formed out of a tree and Thranduil called dibs.

[crazyaboutto]

Sauron getting offended by the blast that interrupted his fashion walk

Sauron, internally: How dare they interrupt my catwalk?

[feanors-mom]

As a follow-up to my prior post, I present:

Top 10 Characters in the Tolkien Legendarium who are so psychologically healthy my broken ass finds them difficult to relate to but nonetheless is inspired by.

10) Gandalf: if it weren’t for the pipe-weed dependency he’d rank higher. But he’s late for Council meetings and annoys Galadriel, who has better things to do. Yeah I know he’s on the other list too, but I am large, I contain multitudes.

9) Celeborn: not a jealous bone in his body, content to be a background wifeguy who somehow wasn’t even a little bit annoying. Utterly unrelatable

8) Nerdanel: Literally the only reason Fëanor didn’t go off the rails sooner. If those 7 little shits were still minors you can BET she would’ve been granted full custody.

7) Sam: only crime was loving too much (see: Frodo, potatoes)

6) Legolas: a literal prince content to risk his life for a cause bigger than himself. Also a silly boy.

5) Fingon: did what even Maedhros’ nuclear family couldn’t (or wouldn’t), now he soaks in Bubble Bath and sips miruvor in the Undying Lands

4) Glorfindel: could have rested on his Balrog Blaster laurels but willingly went back to a shitstorm. Sort of regretted it as soon as he landed but shrugged and just did what needed to be done.

3) Miriel: the human one (the elf one is as broken as they come, but damn I love her for it) . She tried her best but just couldn’t win against Tar-Patriarchy.

2) Aragorn: head on straight. But yeah, completely unrelatable

1) Finrod: so good Mandos just fist-bumped him back into a body

[inthehouseoffinwe]

Crack idea: Elrond’s tired of elves constantly asking him to be king, and when they finally say ‘if not you, at least choose one of your sons!’ plonks the crown on Aragorn.

He has the training. The skills. Is well known and generally loved by the vast majority of elves anyway.

And if they don’t like it? Well. They should’ve been more specific.

It’s worth mentioning Thranduil finds the whole thing *hilarious* and doesn’t even try to hide that he’s sending his most problematic elves Aragorn’s way. Elrond and Galadriel start doing the same and we end up with Gondor filled with hardcore Doriathrim and Fëanorians.

The only reason they’re not throwing hands is the position of High King is cursed and no one wants to answer to Elrond if his youngest son gets so much as a paper cut on their watch. Especially since this whole thing is their fault. Aragorn ends up with a constant guard of Sindar and Noldor he can’t shake off no matter what he does.

[balrogballs]

“Elves do not need to shit. There are no execratory processes happening within the elven body. There are no toilets in Lothlorien. Celeborn tells Gimli to just “go on a tree, like a hound”. Legolas spends the entire quest feeling sad, left out and excluded from the camaraderie building activity of the communal morning shite. Half-elves may need a shit but only sometimes. Like when they’re particularly sad, or ate something bad. When Finrod discovered humans he was fascinated by the concept. Lúthien (re-released edition) and Arwen had the capability to take a shit but chose not to. Elros wanted to but couldn’t. With the Maiar it’s Russian Roulette. Saruman can’t but tells everyone he can. Mithrandir can. Sauron won’t, which explains a lot.”

— JRR Tolkien, Laws and Customs Among the Eldar

[nyarlathotep-thecrawlingchaos]

Found in the wild (random facebook page)

fcking DYING—

[marshmellin]

Elrond: why does no one listen to me? Is it because I lack an air of authority?

Also Elrond:

The Other Two:

[dwarfdaddy]

I love that Strider is known and loved amongst Elves and he's besties with Legolas, canonical nepo-baby weirdo adhd loser from the sticks. He really shows up, charms everyone, then declares "I'm gonna go gallivanting with this mangy teen, I like him."

Everyone must have been so perplexed, like... "I suppose there's no accounting for taste..."

[ahobbitstale]

inspired by (x)