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serenxanthe · 4 months ago

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Return to Hoth: A SWTOR Story

In which Seren avoids telling Theron why she really really hates Hoth.

TW: brief suicidal ideation

Theron glanced at Seren with concern, as soon as he’d finished docking with the space station airlock he’d talk to her, he decided. They’d put off this mission to Hoth again and again, the reasons getting more and more spurious, and ok, he got it, Hoth was nobody’s favourite destination. Except that Seren didn’t usually worry about things like cold, or heat, or extreme physical danger like normal people, this was very out of character.

As they’d got closer and closer to the planet she’d got quieter and quieter, and simultaneously clingier, physically; her hand on his thigh as he piloted, her head resting on his shoulder, her arms around his waist every time he stood up. Not that he minded, far from it. But it didn’t seem like her usual happy, playful affection, it was almost like she needed the contact. And she was so damn quiet.

The airlock hissed as it disengaged. “Seren…” he stood and turned to her, and before he knew it she was in his arms again, clinging to him. This wasn’t normal. They’d spent almost every day together since they had first landed on Odessen to start building the Alliance, coming up for a year ago now. He had been the one who had clung to her at first, struggling to believe that she was here, she was really here, having lost her for five years, thinking she was dead for the first two of those. They certainly didn’t take each other for granted even now, but… Seren’s behaviour was so odd, and it seemed directly connected with Hoth somehow.

“Seren…” he tried again. But she didn’t respond other than to snuggle into him even more closely, her face pressed into his chest.

“Seren, look at me, please?”

She reluctantly tipped her face up to look at him.

“What’s wrong?” he asked her.

She opened her mouth, hesitated, then said, “Nothing, I’m fine.” But her eyes slid away from his.

Theron sighed. “Ok love, if you’re sure?”

He felt her nod into his armpit, and sighed again, he couldn’t force her to talk to him.

He squeezed her then reluctantly let go of her. “Come on then, let’s get going. The sooner we get down there the sooner we’re done.”

They carried their cold weather gear through the space station orbiting the frozen planet. The air temperature up here was comfortably warm. Despite that, Seren was dressed modestly, if not exactly like the typical Jedi. They’d learnt early on that in Republic spaces, the sight of a Jedi with her legs uncovered, a Jedi being openly affectionate towards her boyfriend, made people deeply uncomfortable, even hostile. The fact that she was no longer technically a member of the Jedi Order was a distinction that didn’t matter; they saw her as a Jedi, and therefore she should behave as one. In order to move freely in Republic space and use Republic infrastructure Seren had taken to wearing leggings instead of shorts and ensuring there was no hint of cleavage in her choice of robes. As a couple their behaviour in public was circumspect enough that while Republic officials might have suspected, there were no longer any horrified gasps like when she’d held his hand that time, or mutters of ‘disgusting’ like when he’d kissed her cheek briefly once.

Seren marched through the space station at a ferocious pace, as if she was taking Theron’s point about getting in and out quickly extremely seriously. As the shuttle down to the surface readied for takeoff they put their cold weather gear on. Layers of high tech materials topped off with archaic animal skin parkas. As a Jedi, Seren hated wearing something made from a dead creature, but science had as yet been unable to develop better protection from the frozen wasteland of Hoth.

Theron leant forward and gently tightened the fastenings around Seren’s fur hood for her, tucking her hair in, ignoring the Republic troops as they nudged each other and whispered, shocked. Plausible deniability Theron told himself. Her face was pale and her eyes were wide, looking at him with something like pleading. For what? He wanted to kiss her, reassure her that whatever this was would be ok, but of course he couldn’t.

Even in the relative shelter of Aurek Base, the Republic HQ on the surface, their breath steamed the air. Theron had been once before, but hadn’t stayed long, who would? And so didn’t properly know his way around. Seren in contrast seemed to know exactly where she was going, navigating expertly through the maze of frigid corridors towards the quartermaster’s office, still travelling at her rapid marching pace.

“You’ve spent quite a bit of time here, huh?” Theron commented.

Seren stopped and nodded at him, still with that odd look of pleading on her face, or was it longing? For him? But… he was right here, and he was hers. She’d seemed secure and content in their relationship up until now, more so than him in many ways, their time apart feeling like months to her, rather than the years it was. Theron looked around, the corridor was empty of other personnel, and he couldn’t hear anyone coming. He took a risk and stepped closer to Seren, pulling her into his arms for a hug. Again she clung to him, the bulky parkas meant they could barely feel each other’s bodies, but she pressed herself as close as she could.

“Seren, please tell me what's wrong?” Theron begged her, but she just shook her head and marched off again towards the quartermaster.

Theron arrived at the office thirty seconds after Seren and found she was already telling him what they needed. She must have barely greeted the man Theron thought, this is so unlike her.

They were handed the key fob for a light cold-weather speeder. The quartermaster told them it was standard issue Republic military but ruggedised for the climate. Theron thanked him, privately sceptical. The base and its equipment had never been at the top of the Republic’s list for funding, and years of oppression under the Eternal Empire had hardly helped matters. Everything looked shabbier and less well maintained than he remembered from his brief visit during his time with the SIS.

“Want me to drive?” Theron asked Seren as they surveyed the ‘ruggedised�� speeder, wait, was that… tape?

“What are you saying?” Seren asked him, a brief flash of humour in her brown eyes.

Theron smiled at her, more relieved than he could say that she’d reacted in something approximating her usual way to their ongoing joke that she crashed or otherwise destroyed all the vehicles she drove. Again he wanted to kiss her, but there were techs working at the other side of the hangar, he couldn't risk it.

They put their goggles on, not a centimetre of skin now exposed. Theron sat on the speeder, trying to get a feel for the controls before they set off. Seren hopped on behind him, and ignoring the grab handle behind her, put her arms around his waist, linking her hands around her wrists firmly. That would cause some comment among the techs if they noticed, but possibly fell under plausible deniability. He said nothing, enjoying the feeling of her pressed against him, even through their heavy clothes.

Starting the speeder, Theron realised something was off straight away, and he almost took them back into the hangar immediately to insist that the techs service the vehicle then and there. But then he remembered that something about Hoth was making Seren deeply unhappy, she clearly wanted to get their various recruitment missions here over with as quickly as possible so they could leave. He reasoned that as a seasoned speeder pilot he could make adjustments for the engine’s spotty power, the unbalanced thrusters. He’d done it before, many times.

About halfway to their destination, Outpost Cresh, Theron knew he’d made a catastrophic error of judgement. The speeder was in such a poor state, the weather so challenging, even for Hoth, that he was struggling to keep the thing in the air, its nose constantly down trying to ditch them into the snow. He couldn’t communicate with Seren because of the howling wind and the need to use every bit of concentration he had to prevent them from crashing.

Theron was so focussed on the failing engine that he was caught completely unprepared when one of the thrusters cut out without warning, and the speeder was thrown into an unrecoverable spin. Thanking the stars that at least they’d been a decent height from the ground when it happened, he reached behind himself for Seren’s waist and pulled them both off the speeder. As they fell he heard the explosion as the speeder hit a rock-hard wall of ice.

Seren sat up, disoriented; the height they’d fallen from had pushed her down into the snow, and a light covering of it now coated her. She wiped her goggles and carefully stood without touching the snow walls around her, aware she could pull them in on herself. She hadn’t gone that deep she realised, feeling thankful; she could see over the top of the indentation she’d made now she was standing up. Where was Theron?

Embarrassed, she realised that she’d been waiting there, expecting him to help her out of the hole, like she was some sort of helpless damsel. She was a Jedi! It was just that she’d got so used to him being there over the past year. She crouched, and leapt easily out of the hole, landing gracefully a few metres away. She looked around again from her new perspective, breath steaming in the frigid air. She could see a crumpled mound of… Theron? Why was he just lying there? Like… She stopped breathing as she saw the bright red blood on the snow.

Eight Years Earlier

Hoth. Seren glanced around disinterestedly. It was cold, she supposed, but that wasn’t important. What was important was that she and Leeha Narezz find the technical readouts for the Emperor’s cloaked fortress in one of the many crashed starships on this frozen planet. She had to push her doubts about Tol Braga’s overall plan down, or ideally away. She was a Jedi Knight, and that was all she had now, that was all she’d ever have. She had to focus, to commit to the Jedi Master’s plan, and that was what she was here to do.

Doc was on the planet with her, having literally drawn the short straw given the unpopularity of this posting. That decision had been made before their brief but catastrophic sojourn on Nar Shaddaa however, and Kira had subsequently offered to accompany her instead, given what had happened with Doc on the Hutt planet. Seren had considered it, but then shaken her head.

“No Kira, thank you though. But either Doc is a part of the crew or he isn’t, and…” she’d shrugged, trailing off.

“Sure.” said Kira, “But have you given any thought to the idea that perhaps he isn’t?”

Seren had shrugged again. “That would be the emotional response Kira, and I’m a Jedi. He’s a good Doctor. The sensible thing to do is to keep him as part of the crew.”

Kira had nodded, gritting her teeth. If she had to hear one more time that Seren was a Jedi, or that she wasn’t basing any decisions on emotion, she was going to scream!

Kira hadn’t liked Theron, what little time they’d spent together, and she certainly hadn’t approved of Seren’s relationship with him, but she was starting to admit to herself that Seren had been happier when she was with him. Since Nar Shaddaa when it seemed that Doc had screwed up any chance that they might have had to reconcile, Seren had been… Well, Kira would have been happier if Seren had been angry, upset, anything. But since that first night when she’d cried in her arms, there’d been no emotion, nothing, it was like Seren had gone, leaving a typical Jedi in her place. Kira couldn’t stand it.

Unbeknownst to either Kira or Seren, Doc was also starting to regret the events on Nar Shaddaa. He’d just been trying to get one over on a rival, mark his territory as it were! He and Seren had been having fun in the weeks previously, and now it seemed like his sexy Jedi friend was gone, broken. Here on Hoth, she hadn’t responded to any of his jokes, any of his flirtatious comments, not even to get annoyed with him. Nothing. She just seemed to have a laser focus on their mission, going after these plans like nothing else mattered. Her face was expressionless, her eyes blank. He hated it.

Doc thought back to how they’d started hooking up in the first place. Once he’d found out from that SIS guy on Quesh, Meldo, that Seren wasn’t the perfect virginal Jedi he’d thought she was, that this guy’s friend was actually her ex, Doc had stepped up his flirtation another few notches, and eventually just propositioned her, telling her they were wasting time putting off the inevitable. Slightly to his surprise she’d agreed, and they’d had sex several times since then, always at his suggestion. He’d liked that she didn’t seem to be getting attached to him, clingy; it had still felt fresh, fun, weeks later.

Nar Shaddaa was one of Doc’s favourite places, and once Seren had helped out Kira and her cute twi’lek friend, Vette, Doc had suggested a night out, just the two of them. He’d bought her a tiny, stretchy black mini dress and shiny black heels; partially as a disguise, and partially as it was the sort of thing he liked seeing on women. She’d laughed when he showed her, but agreed to wear the outfit, and to the night out.

He’d always been intending to ply her with drinks, get her to relax a bit for once, but for some reason he didn’t even need to persuade her; she was knocking back the shots and cocktails almost faster than he could buy them, and if it wasn’t for her super strong Jedi constitution, he would have been starting to get concerned that she’d be too drunk for sex at the end of the night.

She was pretty drunk though, which was probably why he spotted that they were being followed and she didn’t. Doc had been in some pretty hairy situations, not all of them even of his own making, and he knew how to handle himself. He put his arm around Seren, and looked around, using the reflections in shop windows to try and spot their tail. It took a while, the person was good, but Doc got lucky when a drunken passerby shoved the guy out of his way with a shoulder, pushing him out into the open for a second. Doc got a good look at him, and he had to force himself not to react when he did so. It was that guy Shan, Seren’s ex!

Obviously Doc had snuck into her quarters when she’d been doing some sort of Jedi nonsense with Kira a couple of weeks ago, I mean who wouldn’t? He thought to himself. He’d been looking for evidence of this guy, a diary maybe, but he’d been shocked to see two framed holos of them together, right there where anyone could see them! He picked them up one by one and studied them. Seren looked great in one of them, that green dress was definitely not to his taste, but her hair and makeup were spot on. Shan looked, well, ok, he guessed. Ugly cranial implants, stupid hair, but otherwise ok. Nothing special. No competition.

But now he was following them? What the hells? Who did that? You break up, you move on, thought Doc. Why did he even care what Seren was up to these days? Fine, if he wants a show, I’ll give him a show! Doc decided, and slid his hand down from Seren’s shoulders to her barely covered butt, squeezing it. She laughed, and did nothing to stop him, so feeling encouraged, Doc kissed her deeply, his tongue in her mouth, both hands now cupping her butt cheeks through the thin fabric of her dress. He was enjoying himself, but he was mostly hoping that their stalker was watching, and that he would take the hint.

When Theron had first caught sight of Seren having followed a tip off from one of his many dubious sources on Nar Shaddaa, he’d stopped dead, shocked, and almost lost her, lost them. Because she was with a man, a smarmy player of a man, way too old for her, with his boring hair, his moustache, who had a moustache? His too tight pants, his self satisfied swagger. What the hells was she thinking? And what was she wearing? Seren never wore black, it probably reminds her of the Sith he thought. That cheap dress, those painful looking heels; that man has her dressed up like some kind of sex doll, Theron thought, outraged. What if… what if she didn’t want to be there with him, what if he was coercing her somehow? She needs me, Theron told himself, hurrying to catch up as they moved towards the next sleazy bar.

Theron waited opposite the cantina for Seren and that man to emerge. It was torture, not being able to see what she was doing, what he was doing, but this place was tiny, he’d definitely be spotted if he went in, and he wasn’t sure how he was going to approach the situation yet. He needed more information first. Was Seren being coerced, was she in danger, or was she there as part of some sort of mission, gathering information? If this guy was a mark, he didn’t want to mess things up for her, but at the same time he wanted to be there for when she’d inevitably need backup.

Eventually they emerged, Seren clinging to that man’s waist, Theron noted, gritting his teeth. She seemed unsteady on her feet, was it those stupid shoes or had he drugged her? He sped up, and he saw the man pause, put his arm around Seren and look around, nowhere near as subtle as he probably thought he was, but Theron was cursing himself, he’d been sloppy, careless, he’d almost been spotted! As they set off again, he realised that the man was using the reflections in windows to look for him. He backed off, the guy clearly had some sort of training or experience. Theron was even more worried for Seren now, did she know what she was dealing with?

The drunk came out of nowhere, his massive flailing arm punting Theron right into the middle of the street for a split second before he recovered and ducked behind another couple, hiding in the crowd. Had the man Seren was with spotted him? He left it a few seconds before he cautiously moved forward, trying to spot them again. When he did so Theron stopped in the street, staring, no longer trying to stay concealed. The man was kissing his Seren, his tongue was down her throat, his hands were on her butt, and almost worst of all, Seren’s arms were around his waist, as if she wasn’t trying to get away, as if she was actually enjoying it. There was a sharp pain in Theron’s abdomen and his vision was blurring.

The man broke off his kiss with Seren and looked around, his eyes sliding past Theron’s; perhaps he hadn’t been spotted after all? Theron couldn’t decide what to do. What if Seren wasn’t on some sort of mission where she’d need his help, what if she wasn’t being coerced? What if… what if I’m just stalking my ex like some sort of creepy loser? Theron had almost made up his mind to leave, to go back to his bunk at the SIS listening post and sleep it off, or more likely drink it off, when the man reached down and grabbed Seren’s wrist and pulled her. Rage exploded in Theron’s mind, how dare he?

Suddenly the crowd swelled around them, bolstered by a cantina throwing most of their patrons out into the street for brawling. Theron almost lost sight of Seren and that dangerous man, until he spotted him pulling Seren into a dark alley on the opposite side of the square. Theron panicked, pushing bystanders out of his way to try and get to them before he hurt her, even so, it took him a good five minutes to get through the rowdy, drunken, brawling crowd to the alleyway. A broken neon sign was flickering on and off at the alley’s entrance, providing an intermittent source of light. Theron didn’t need it though, switching his implants to their night vision setting with a thought. He stepped into the alleyway.

Theron had thought he’d seen the worst sight he could imagine when he’d seen his Seren seemingly enjoying kissing another man, but this was, this was… He could barely even form a thought. Seren’s skirt was up around her waist, the top of her dress was pulled down exposing her breasts. The man was kissing and licking them as he fucked her, as this sleaze fucked his Seren against the dirty wall of the alley. Her legs were wrapped around his waist and she was urging him on breathlessly, calling him Doc. Was she fucking her doctor? This, this, was now definitively the worst moment of Theron’s life.

Hardly able to breathe, feeling physically sick, Theron turned to leave the alleyway, stumbling slightly as he did so, his legs shaking. As he reached the blinking neon at the entrance, he heard a soft, “Theron?” It was Seren, her voice unsure, she obviously couldn’t see him in the darkness of the alley without the benefit of implants like his, she must have sensed him with the Force he supposed. He almost just kept walking, he should have just kept walking, but he turned around. Seren had pulled her dress back into place so it covered her, and her hands were reaching out for him blindly, she knew he was there, just not exactly where. Against his will, he took another step towards her. Her face looked distraught, didn’t it?

‘Doc’ appeared behind her, putting his hands around her waist from behind. “Where're you going, gorgeous?” he asked her.

Seren shook him off impatiently and stepped further towards Theron. “Theron?” She called again. She blinked, trying to adjust her eyesight to the darkness so she could find him, but the flashing neon made it impossible, blinding her.

Theron gritted his teeth, how dare she speak to him like that, so softly, so entreatingly, like she loved him, with that look on her face, so hopeful, so sweet, when he’d just seen… when she’d just been… Theron swallowed, trying desperately not to throw up.

Just as Seren finally got near him the neon blinked on again and she saw him standing there, and ran to him.

“Theron, I…” she started.

“FUCK YOU!” he shouted into her face from centimetres away, his own face twisted with rage.

Seren froze and stepped back, drawing in a shocked, shuddering breath. I was afraid of him, she remembered, when he found out I was Sith, he was so angry, I was afraid. She had forgotten why in the intervening months, but now she remembered. But then she heard Theron draw in his own shuddering breath, and as the neon flickered back on she saw his eyes were full of tears.

“You broke my heart.” he told her more quietly, “You broke my heart.” Theron’s voice broke on that final word.

Seren felt her own heart break again in response. He’d broken hers first when he’d accused her of being a Sith plant back on Alderaan, when she realised that he didn’t really know her at all, and now she’d broken his in return. It was over, Seren realised, it was really over. They may have broken up on Alderaan months previously, but she’d really believed that they would find their way back to each other eventually.

“Theron…” Seren almost whispered his name into the darkness, hoping that she was wrong, hoping he was still there, but when the neon flickered back on she saw he was gone. He was gone. She would never see him again; she knew he had the skills and resources to make sure of that.

“THERON!” she screamed, losing control of her emotions and the Force for the first time since that other awful time on Nar Shaddaa four years previously; the time she decided she was no longer Sith, would never be Sith again. The neon sign burst in a spectacular shower of sparks and went dark for the last time. Seren sat on the ground in the filthy alleyway and wept, Doc hovering uncertainly a couple of metres away looking up in trepidation at the smoking sign.

The Present Day

“THERON!” Seren screamed his name, but he didn’t stir, didn’t sit up and tell her to stop screaming, that he was fine. He was always fine.

She tried to run to him, slipping and floundering through the chest-deep powdery snow. She knew how to walk on snow; how to preserve the surface, how to conserve precious energy, and this definitely wasn’t it, but she couldn’t, she couldn’t just walk calmly towards him, towards the blood she could see pooled around his… his head.

She collapsed down next to Theron having used way too much energy getting to him. She reached out a shaking hand towards the horrible gash on his right temple. It was still bleeding, he was alive, thank the Force, and as she grabbed a kolto pack from her parka and pressed it firmly against the wound he groaned and opened his eyes.

“Sorry.” he told Seren, “I knew that speeder was no good.”

Seren nodded and sniffed. Her eyes were full of tears, steaming up her goggles, but she was trying her best to stay calm. She never usually struggled to do so unless Theron was in danger, Theron was injured. Attachments. Love. Pain. Master Orgus would be so disappointed in her.

She realised Theron was trying to sit up, and she helped him to do so, knowing it would slow the bleeding. Belatedly, she noticed that his right palm was bleeding too, more sluggishly than his head, but it still looked painful.

“Piece of metal broke off the speeder.” He told Seren, “I’m an idiot, I pulled it out.”

Seren gave him another kolto pack to hold in his right hand to heal his palm, pushing it through the corresponding hole in his glove.

“You’re not an idiot, but yeah, that wasn’t the best idea.” she told Theron shakily, pulling her gaiter down briefly to kiss him.

The bleeding at his temple had almost stopped, so she carefully pulled his hood back on. The wind was still howling, it was still bitterly cold, and they had to find shelter if they were going to survive until rescue came.

Theron was inevitably already looking at his datapad, grumbling to himself as the thick gloves made his fingers clumsy on the screen.

“Here!” He showed her a topographic map he’d pulled up, “These lumps, they’re not natural. I think they’re old abandoned buildings or shelters, and they’re only a few hundred metres away.”

Seren looked at the map. “I think you’re right Theron, nice work!”

She was trying to be encouraging, but she still felt sick with worry. In good conditions a few hundred metres was nothing, but the wind was blowing the snow almost horizontally at them from the direction Theron had indicated; the snow they’d need to traverse was at least as deep as they were tall; and then they’d have to dig out a shelter.

“Sweetheart, we’ll be fine.” Theron told her, he knew exactly what she’d be thinking. He squeezed her hands with his uninjured one.

“Sorry.” She told him. “I just… struggle when you’re injured.”

“I know. And I get it.” And he did, sometimes Theron still had dreams where he saw Arcann stab Seren with his lightsabre, saw her fall backwards, a glowing hole right through her torso, he’d thought she was dead for the few seconds until she’d moved. He took a deep breath; enough of that thought.

They pushed through the snow with agonising slowness, taking it in turns to take the lead, absorbing the brunt of the wind and the drag of the snow underfoot so the other could rest. Eventually, after what seemed like days, but was probably less than two hours, they made it to the bumps that Theron had spotted on the map. He was right, they were far too regular to be natural. They just had to hope that they were shelters or buildings, something they could get inside rather than solid structures.

Seren had some experience with the half-spherical shelters typically used on Hoth. She’d rescued Republic soldiers from them herself, and cleared pirates out of others.

“Ok,” she started, “If these are what I think they are, there should be doors reaching up to around your head height, with kind of rounded tops. There might even be some kind of generator in the middle of this group of four huts. We might be able to get it started again if so?” she suggested hopefully.

“Great!” said Theron. They were both carrying basic cold weather survival gear, including temporary power packs, heat packs, flares, and spades. “Let’s get digging!” he said with what sounded to Seren like forced cheerfulness, as he wielded his spade.

She narrowed her eyes at him. “Uh huh,” she said, “Let me check your wound first.” She stepped towards him.

“No need!” He stepped back, trying to stay out of her reach, but she grabbed him by his parka and started to peel back his hood, being greeted by a fresh rush of blood.

“Theron! You knew it was bleeding again, didn’t you?”

“I didn’t want to worry you.” He said sheepishly.

“Sit down! Stay still! Kolto!” Seren ordered him, angry that, as usual, he was being completely blasé about his own well-being.

Theron sat holding another kolto pack against his temple with his right hand, two birds with one stone! He hated to watch Seren work without helping her, but he knew she was more than strong enough to do it alone. She dug away the snow where she thought the door would be, and turned to smile triumphantly at Theron when she was only a few centimetres out. He gave her a thumbs up with his good hand, starting to feel less light headed now that the second lot of kolto was doing its job.

Seren eventually got the whole door uncovered, took a deep breath, and pulled at it. To her relief it came open easily; the thick coating of snow had kept it insulated, stopped it from icing up.

She and Theron scrambled inside and pushed the door shut, leaving just a crack for light until they could find another source. They immediately felt warm, the lack of wind and driving snow giving the illusion of a comfortable temperature inside. It wasn't, of course, and they knew that now they’d stopped moving the sweat on their bodies would start to dry and evaporate, cooling them dangerously.

At Seren’s nod of approval, Theron switched on one of their precious power packs, providing enough light to see the interior of the shelter. They looked around. There were camp beds, so they wouldn’t have to sit or lie on the floor; that would help with staying warm. Low shelves stood against the curved wall, and they crouched to investigate their contents. Ration packs, years out of date, bits of some sort of broken machinery, better spades, and yes! A tool box! Prying it open, they discovered a hydrospanner and other essential tools, enough to repair a generator, if there was one still in situ.

Theron stood up, “Right, you said it should be in the centre of this group of four shelters?”

“Yes, Theron, but you should rest here, I’ll go out and…” Seren stopped speaking as Theron laughed.

“Much as I’d love to watch you try to repair a generator, I think this is more my area of expertise, don’t you?” He suggested.

Seren huffed. “I’ll have you know, Theron Shan, that among the Jedi, I’m considered very technically competent!”

Theron just laughed even harder, somehow that hadn’t been the winning argument Seren had hoped for.

Seren rolled her eyes. “Ok fine, you can repair it, but I’m going out first to dig it out of the snow!” She grabbed a spade and stomped outside before he could object any further.

She returned less than a minute later.

“No luck finding it?” Theron asked her, worried that they’d have to cobble together another source of heat.

“Er no, I mean yes, it’s uncovered. You’re good to go.” She looked slightly shifty.

“Seren, did you just use the Force as a snow blower?”

She shrugged guiltily, “You’re injured, it’s valid.”

Theron laughed, and hugged her. “I love you.” he told Seren. Suddenly she was clinging to him again desperately, like she had earlier on his shuttle and in the corridor at Republic HQ. “Hey,” he said gently, “and when I’m done, we’re going to talk about whatever is going on with you right now.” He squeezed her and let go. “I love you.” he told her again, just to be sure she knew.

“I love you.” Seren replied, her voice wobbly and her eyes full of tears. She couldn’t bear to let him out of her sight, thinking of pirates, or stars forbid, of wampas, so she went outside to watch him. She somehow ended up standing between him and the direction the snow was blowing from, shielding his face from it with her back, and a tiny bit of the Force. With his goggles on and hood up she couldn’t see the expression on his face; he just shook his head at her, but got on with repairing the generator.

After not too long they heard it whir into life, the warmth it was creating immediately starting to melt the snow on the trunking snaking between the shelters. They gave each other a thumbs up and pushed through the snow the final few metres back to their shelter.

Back in the shelter, the lights and heating were on, and the temptation was to just fall into the camp beds as they were and sleep. They were both exhausted. They both knew enough about cold weather survival to know that that would be a bad idea however. There was a large metal basin on the surface of the heater, too rusty now to make safe drinking water, but fine for heating water to wash in. Before Seren could object, Theron grabbed it and stepped outside to fill it with snow. Back inside, he pushed the door shut and put the basin on the heater to melt the snow.

As the resulting water warmed, they stripped off their layers of sweat and snow soaked clothing, hanging their parkas and outer clothes to dry from ceiling hooks probably there for that purpose. They got fresh thermals out of their packs and put them near the heater to warm, then took deep breaths and stripped off their sweaty inner layers, standing there naked and shivering in each other's arms, waiting for the water to warm as they rubbed each other’s skin, trying to generate some heat through friction.

“Er, just so you know, I’m er, really cold right now.” Theron said suddenly.

Seren looked at him puzzled, “I know, so am I.” she reminded him. She thought about it. “Wait… are you concerned about the size of your dick?” Seren was already laughing.

Theron nodded, shamefaced.

“Theron, I… I don’t know what to say… You’re such a man.”

“Yeah?” he said suggestively, “I thought you liked that about me?”

Still laughing, Seren said, “Theron, we’re filthy, freezing cold, dehydrated, you have a head injury. I am not thinking about sex right now!”

“Sure, but you’ve gotta admit that that’s pretty unusual for you, right?” Theron teased her with a suggestive smirk.

Suddenly, Seren stopped laughing. She looked almost distraught, Theron thought.

“What is it, Seren? Sweetheart, what did I say?” he asked her, bewildered.

“Nothing, Theron, nothing. This is my problem, not yours.” Seren said firmly. “The water’s warm now, come on.”

They washed the clammy, salty, sweat from their bodies so it couldn’t cause a rash that could get infected. Theron watched Seren from the corner of his eye, he wanted to wash her, he wanted them to wash each other. Ok, now was not necessarily the time for sex, she had a point, but usually they took every opportunity to enjoy each other’s bodies, even if it wasn’t going to lead anywhere right that moment.

“Can I wash your back?” he asked her tentatively.

She smiled at him, “Of course, Theron, thank you.”

He gently sponged her clean with the warm water, then placed a chaste kiss on her shoulder, before turning so she could return the favour. When they were done they dried themselves quickly before the water had chance to evaporate from their skin, and then, to Theron’s slight regret, they dressed in the fresh layer of thermals. The camp beds were not at all appealing, so they pushed a couple together, then covered them with layers of their own silicone sleeping mats, unzipped sleeping bags and blankets before lying down together, Seren’s head on Theron’s shoulder, and pulling another sleeping bag over them.

“How’s your head?” Seren asked Theron.

He opened his mouth.

“And before you consider lying to me to stop me worrying… don’t!” Seren interjected.

“Fine. It’s painful, and I have a horrible headache behind my eyes. And my hand hurts.” He added for good measure.

“There, that wasn’t so hard, was it?” Seren kissed Theron’s jaw as she spoke, and he could feel her smiling.

“Mmm about as hard as it apparently is for you to tell me what’s wrong with you; what’s been wrong since we set off for Hoth?” He replied.

Seren sighed, and rolled away from him, but didn’t object when he rolled onto his side behind her and kissed her shoulder again, his hand stroking her side through her silky thermals.

“Theron, this is the last thing you want to talk about, believe me.” she told him. “I’ll be fine. You’re right, Hoth is hard for me, but I’ll be fine, I’ll be fine when we get home to Odessen. I’ll be fine.”

Theron kissed her neck. “Uh huh. Are you sure you don’t want to tell me that you’ll be fine one more time?”

Seren said nothing, but grabbed his uninjured hand and held it. They were silent for quite a while, Theron didn’t want to push her too hard.

“Sometimes I still wish I didn’t like sex quite so much.” Seren eventually said, quietly.

Theron frowned, thinking, he remembered what she’d said earlier; Theron, this is the last thing you want to talk about, believe me. Did… did she mean? Theron’s stomach dropped, and he froze. After a second he carefully shifted back, away from her, and lifted his hand from her waist. She was still holding his other hand, and it seemed rude to snatch it away from her, so he left it there.

He swallowed, choosing his words carefully. “I guess you mean that… well, that you regret us, meeting on The Esseles, hooking up. That’s when you stopped being a… proper Jedi I suppose.”

As he spoke Seren had rolled over to look at him, almost looking like she’d spun round, she moved so fast. Her mouth was open in shock, and she looked almost outraged, Theron thought, before her face suddenly softened as she looked at him, and to his surprise she took his face in her hands and kissed him.

“Theron, I love you.” she told him, sounding exasperated.

“Yeah, I know. I mean I believe you, but that doesn’t mean you don’t regret starting things up with me in the first place. And I… listen, you don’t have to feel an obligation towards me now, just because I, well, I waited for you, that was my choice and…”

“Theron, stop! Please.” Seren was considering kissing him again just to stop this irrational stream of consciousness. “Is this the head injury? What are you even talking about?”

“You said this was the last thing I’d want to talk about.” Theron reminded her.

“Yes, but this definitely isn’t what I meant!” She kissed him again, but briefly, she really wanted to reassure him.

“Theron, I’m going to be really clear about this. And please let me finish. I don’t regret meeting you, I don’t regret having sex with you, any of the times, just to clarify further, and I don’t want to be a ‘proper Jedi’. I want you. And honestly, I’m kind of annoyed about this, because how many more times do I have to prove that to you?”

Theron grabbed her and pulled her onto his chest, clutching her to him like he’d never let her go. She thought she heard him mutter, “Thank the Stars!”

Seren kissed his neck, then wriggled upwards in his arms and kissed his jaw, then as his hands finally loosened, his mouth. “Ok, now we’re finally back on the same page… wait, your hand! Theron!”

Theron looked at his right hand. “It’s only bleeding a little bit.” He told Seren.

She sighed in resignation. He was impossible!

“So listen, that was the last thing I wanted to think about, and um it turned out not to be that, so what is it?” Theron asked her.

Seren bit her lip. He hated talking about that time in their lives, but if she didn’t tell him what was upsetting her, he was just going to keep catastrophising further and further, she could see that now.

“Theron… what I said about regretting liking sex, it wasn’t about you.”

“No, I get that now, that’s good.” Theron frowned, and then said slowly, “Wait… you, you, had sex with somebody else?”

Seren felt like screaming, he was so infuriating! “Not while we were together, Theron, obviously.”

“Right! Of course not, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking!”

Theron at least had the grace to look ashamed of himself for that one, Seren thought.

Seren sighed again, she just needed to spit it out before Theron somehow thought of something even worse.

“Theron, the reason I hate Hoth, is because, well it’s because I first came here straight after we’d seen each other that time. That time on Nar Shaddaa.” She swallowed, looking at his face. “I didn’t want to tell you because, well, I know that every time we talk about this, you get that mental image in your head, and… and you’re getting it right now, aren’t you?” Seren’s voice rose in distress.

It was Theron’s turn to sigh. “I am, Seren, yeah. But that’s my problem. I probably should have tried some therapy or something at the time rather than attempting to drown it with whisky.”

Seren’s eyes were full of tears. “I’m so sorry Theron, I’m so sorry.”

“Seren, stop apologising!” Theron told her. “I thought we’d dealt with this years ago back on Carrick Station! I followed you, I basically stalked you, I was toxic and jealous, and we’d broken up, you did nothing wrong!”

“Yes, but my point is; if I hadn’t had sex with Doc that night, maybe things wouldn’t have been so awful! I thought… I always thought after we’d broken up on Alderaan that we’d get back together one day. I was counting on it! And then that possibility was just gone. It was gone. I knew I’d never see you again.”

“Seren, sweetheart. Please.” Seren was crying desperately now, and Theron was getting seriously concerned about her. “We did get back together, we are together, and I’m here with you now, I’m right here.”

Seren didn’t acknowledge his words, she just looked down and said, “I know I broke your heart Theron, and I’ll never forgive myself for that, but I broke my own heart too. My heart was broken when I was last here on Hoth.”

Theron swallowed. He knew how she felt, of course he did. He remembered thinking that this was it, that he’d lost her forever when he’d screamed in her face, when he’d scared her. It had been the worst time in his life, had been, until Marr’s flagship, until he’d had to spend two years of what could only loosely be called his life thinking she was dead.

Seren continued, “I was in so much pain, that I just had to cut myself off from my emotions. I just felt so frozen within myself that I didn’t even feel the cold here. I didn’t remember Hoth being this cold.”

“I, yeah.” Theron finally spoke, his voice breaking slightly as he did so. He cleared his throat and tried again. “I get it, I do. I felt the same after that… after that situation. I don’t think I spent more than a few hours sober over the whole next few months if I’m honest.”

Seren buried her face in his neck. “Sometimes I wondered what would happen if I lost control of my speeder, and it crashed into a cliff.” she whispered. “Or if my foot just somehow slipped, and I fell into a crevasse.”

Horror washed over Theron in a wave, and he felt his blood run cold in its wake. He’d always believed that he was the only one that had ever had thoughts like that; that she was too sensible, too intelligent, too emotionally mature to ever even think that… that she didn’t want to be here without him.

“Seren, I will… I will never leave you, no matter what, I’ll never let you feel like that again, I promise… I’ll do anything, anything, to make you happy, to keep you safe. I…”

He was babbling, panicking, and Seren suddenly thought about how she’d feel if he told her something similar. She stroked his face, trying to reassure him, “I know, Theron, I know. And they were just thoughts, just temporary thoughts, I didn’t act on them obviously, never seriously intended to act on them. I’m still here. And I know you’re here with me now, I know we did get back together, it did work out for us.”

She swallowed and said, “But sometimes I just wish… I wish that I’d seen you following us, not Doc, that I’d turned back to speak to you, confront you.” She shrugged, “I know we’d have yelled at each other, but it wouldn’t have been as awful as what did happen, maybe we would even have got back together as a result?”

“Doc did see me?” Theron asked her after a moment. “And he knew who I was? How?”

“Holos of you in my quarters. He snuck in to have a look around while I was on Tython with Kira. I found all this out a lot later of course.”

Theron was silent for a moment, considering.

“That whole… scene was planned, wasn’t it? For me to see?” he eventually asked through gritted teeth.

“Yes. Or at least I think so.” Seren said. “Doc never really admitted it, but I do think that he intended for you to see. He was marking his territory I guess.”

Theron clenched his fists, making his right hand bleed again.

“If I ever see that man again, I’ll… I swear that I won’t be responsible for my actions.” He ground out.

“Theron, please be careful of your hand.” Seren hopped out of bed to grab more kolto, before pressing it gently into Theron’s palm.

She fetched one of their precious bottles of drinking water and handed it to Theron, insisting that he drank, then drank some herself. She frowned, “Is it just me, or is it getting properly warm in here?” she asked Theron.

“Yeah I think you’re right actually.” he replied, “I’d forgotten what warmth felt like.”

Seren nodded. “Shall I turn the heater down, or should we take our thermals off?”

Theron had a suggestive little smile on his face as he said, “Hold on, let me just think about that one for a second…” He pulled her down onto the camp bed with him and started to speed up the process.

The next morning, the Republic troops there to rescue them pulled the door of their shelter open only to be greeted by the sight of a very naked former Jedi sprawled across the chest of an equally naked former SIS Agent, their legs entangled, contented half-smiles on their sleeping faces, the sleeping bag kicked off onto the floor. The young Lieutenant in charge of the rescue froze in place, his face bright red, nothing in his training had prepared him for this.

“M… Master Jedi?” he tried.

Waking up, Seren sat up without thinking, treating the Lieutenant and the first few troops with him to an even better view.

“Um, shit.” She greeted him.

The Lieutenant could feel a couple of his men actually trying to jostle him out of the way to get a closer look at her themselves, and he angrily ordered them back. By this point the Jedi’s, well, partner, had woken too, and was trying to hide her behind his own body, which was in fact much more to the Lieutenant’s taste than the Jedi’s.

He shook his head. He was here to do a job, an important job! “We’re here to rescue you!” He announced proudly. Behind him in the snow two of his men had started a scuffle over who got to take the Jedi on their speeder.

“That’s great.” Theron growled. “Could you get the hells out and let us get dressed?”

The Lieutenant squeaked something that might have been an apology and pulled the door shut.

Seren put her head in her hands. “So much for plausible deniability!” she said.

#swtor #fanfic #theron shan #swtor jedi knight #angst #hurt/comfort #inappropriate use of the force (but not how you're thinking)#for once theron is the emotionally mature one #sorry about the character assassination of doc #I know he's nowhere near as bad as I write him #it was insanely hot here when I wrote this and I wanted to write about the cold #hence hoth

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