#It takes so long to heal from endings like that. You never get enough closure when there is still a faint hope of 'another day'.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Maybe we never had a chance.

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[liaragaming]

I've seen some posts with people feeling like Mythal was more important to Solas than Lavellan, and I just...

Mythal represents Solas's regets. It's not that he loved Mythal more. It's that he did such terrible things for her. And after she died, he felt like it was all for nothing. And he couldn't let it all be for nothing. Because where does that leave him with all those terrible things?

It seems like people wanted Lavellan to be the catalyst that changed things for Solas, and I'm sorry, but that was never going to happen. No matter how much she loved him, that would never be enough for him to let go of the pain he carried.

This is exactly what the Crestwood scene shows! He brings her there because he realizes how much he loves her. Because he decides he's going to leave the past behind him. And only when he reaches the very moment of his confession does he realize he can't let things go. Not even for her.

This was true in Inquisition! This was true in Trespasser! Lavellan is not enough to save him. If people feel like Veilguard spit in their face for reinforcing that... I'm sorry, but this was always the case.

Mythal is the catalyst behind Solas's regrets. He took a body for her. He made a weapon to sunder the titans for her (and the elven people). He made the Veil as retribution for her death (and to lock away the Blight), and then he wakes up to find the world destroyed in a different way and still dealing with the damn Blight. All of his choices feel like one giant mistake after another. And he has to fix it.

He doesn't give it up because he "loved Mythal more" or because she "mattered more" than Lavellan. But because she's the only one who can release him from the choices he made at her request.

Lavellan is there to pick up the pieces and say, "I understand the pain that you are going through that's driven you to do these terrible things, and I love you anyway because I see the person that you truly are underneath."

She sees him. She's the only one who ever truly has. Mythal certainly can't claim that. But Mythal is Solas's past, and it's his past that he needs to let go before he can embrace his future.

Solas's character and motivations and relationship with Lavellan didn't change between Inquisition and Veilguard. It's always been this way.

I think people were wanting a love conquers all story. And Solas's story has always been so incredibly tragic because love wasn't enough from the very beginning.

That doesn't mean Lavellan can't "save" him. I still hold the romance ending is the only one where he goes happy. Lavellan gets to be his future instead of one where he faces atonement alone.

And Solas does actually choose her. He tells her where he's going is terrible, and she tells him nothing will be terribleas long as they are together. And he accepts her love for him.

She can make the same plea in Trespasser, and he rejects it! He tells her he can't take her with him. He doesn't want her weighed down by the same regrets he carries. Only once he's freed of those regrets can he accept her desire to walk beside him and forge something new.

Tbh, if he wanted Mythal, Morrigan’s standing right there. Solas doesn’t love her more or care about her more. He's just in pain. And it's pain Mythal put there. He needs her to release him from it.

Solas has suffered abuse and trauma, and just like in the real world, love often isn't enough to just "fix" that. Solas needed closure, and that's what Mythal gives him. That doesn't make his love for Lavellan any less. I'd even argue it's Lavellan post the events of Veilguard that help him heal. But he needed that closure before healing could start.

[etherfabric]

Encouragement from your Spirit Guides

Choose a pile by which picture you resonate with the most.

If your mind is too busy to clearly decide, take a few deep breaths, and use the finger of your non-dominant hand to hover over the images. One will give off the most subtle yet prominent signals, like tingles, a magnetic pull, or temperature. This is your pile. Multiples are also possible.

You are the ultimate authority over your life. I merely provide my perspective. Sometimes the Universe lines you up with something that doesn't resonate with your truth, so you have contrast to find out what does. Never give away your power.

Pile 1

The Fool, 9 of Swords

Ditch the phrase "Do it scared." When you bulldoze through your fear, you hurt yourself. It is a part of you that you will never transcend, because you need it. You can't expect any sustainable outcome from this violent approach. Your Spirit Guides see your efforts and want you to know that you hit the mark a long time ago already, and they are doing all they can to line you up with more positive experiences. They don't want you to use force against your most vulnerable parts for the sake of progress that is not even due yet.

You were told by misguided people that you are too sensitive, too slow, too lazy when you feel comfortable. This is not the case. The Universe likes slow. It likes gentle, loving approaches. It will meet you where you are at. Trust in your innate worth of good things, and don't whip yourself to places and situations you aren't ready for. Good things will come - for example the much calmer state of mind you will have once you don't betray your own trust anymore by ignoring your boundaries. You deserve kindness, patience and everything you need to feel safe. Listen to your fear. It needs your love.

Pile 2

Strength, King of Cups

Standing ovation for your emotional resilience! Your Spirit Guides are so freaking proud of you. You found a place within yourself where you can watch the waters of your soul ebb and flow in sovereignty. Even the stormiest currents can't rock you enough to lose your focus on what's important to you. You exude an air of compassion towards yourself that is inspiring.

What you deemed impossible and beyond your depth not so long ago is now already second nature to you. What an evolution to witness! Take pride in the thousands of conscious impulses that led you here. Let the imposter syndrome swim its laps, you know where it stems from, and you know that's not the whole story.

Beware of your knack for arrogance, the other end of that spectrum, and the future looks peachy.

Pile 3

The World, The Moon

Your Spirit Guides want you to know that there is closure to a deep rooted doubt on the horizon. They way you are carrying yourself in the last few days is amicable, and benefits the integration of one of your deepest wounds. Healing comes in many forms, and you have experienced a good handful of them already. Buckle up for a whole new variant of dimension in this regard - things you deemed lost forever will be ever so close to your grasp again and provide you with a surge of motivation you couldn't imagine before.

When the shadows of the past cloud your judgement, hold onto the smidge of light creeping through, especially when it seems like a lukewarm joke that just can't be true. From the perspective of despair, hope always seems ridiculous. Well, get a little silly, then. Dancing naked might sound like the worst humiliation, but only to those who haven't tasted that kind of freedom yet. Get ready to hear the music soon.

Pile 4

Two of Pentacles, Queen of Swords

Oh how you are chopping down that bullshit quickly! No time for nonsense is written all over your forehead, and for the metaphorically illiterate, you have no trouble spelling it out ever so clearly. Your Spirit Guides are in awe of your determination when it comes to your boundaries. You are loyal to your highest principles, no matter what. You know for certain that your wants and needs have a valid foundation, and you won't tolerate any projected shame on that part.

In the past, people could drag you into psychological tug-of-wars that left you off balance either way, whether you "won" or "lost". Now you smell that game from a mile away and don't even touch that rope. Just one little advice: Choose your battles. Not every boundary has to be set in stone, and not every crossing of one is a fundamental failure on your part you have to avoid at all costs, or else. Humans are multitudes of parts, all with their own unique set of requirements, and context is always a factor.

But still, look at you and how far your shadow work around speaking up has taken you! Who would've thought that one day you would need a reminder that soft is okay, too? ;)

[avelera]

I saw the IWTV finale early thanks to a kind soul sharing it with me!

A few (spoiler-y) thoughts:

Really interesting how they reimagined and framed the ending of this take on IWTV with Louis and Lestat mourning Claudia together. It feels like Justice For Claudia in many ways, it feels like a fitting homage to the origins of Claudia's character (the dead of Anne Rice's daughter from leukemia as a child), and in general was just a really interesting way to sort of give this closure the book never did and also use it to realistically allow them both to push forward past their toxic and abuse past into a somewhat plausible healed future.

It was also a decent reminder, to me, that these are vampires. These characters live forever. I would not condone Louis/Lestat in real life because life is too short to keep going back to an abusive ex. But these guys are vampires. Do not do as they do. But genuinely 70 years, a human lifetime, is realistically long enough to say, "Hey, we're new people now, we've learned and suffered a lot, we lost our daughter and it was fucked up. Maybe all we have is each other." And make peace with each other on that front.

BUT NOW I'M WONDERING HOW WE GET ROCKSTAR LESTAT - ok because Louis kind of got Lestat's book motivation for becoming a rockstar? The "Fuck you, come find me," to all the other vampires. Lestat I believe only speculates that as Louis' motivation, but they made it canon (or I could be wrong).

But that was Lestat's motivation for HIS book, making Louis and the others come find him. Since that's been solved with Louis coming to find him (lovely little homage to the IWTV movie with him playing the harpsichord) now I'm wondering if Louis is the one who encourages Lestat to become a rockstar and write down his book.

Thing is, it's not totally contradicted by the book. (SPOILERS) TVL does end with a beat where Louis and Lestat reunite and Louis is kind of his groupie for a bit. Moving that up so Louis is part of Lestat's rise is actually a really lovely touch, it gives them a bit more time together before shit goes down, and I could totally see this version of Louis as Lestat's agent since he's shown to have that business acumen.

Now that Daniel is a vampire (OMG OMG OMG MORE ON THAT IN A SECOND) the risk is no longer so bad for him to come interview Lestat and I'm sure he's salivating to do so and Louis would definitely invite Vampire Daniel to do the interview for Lestat's book, since there's no fear for his safety (or at least, not as much) anymore. And Daniel would jump at the chance. It would be a fabulous framing device, Rockstar Lestat with his agent, Louis, inviting Daniel to interview Lestat for his next book AND it means we get Daniel's snark throughout Lestat's story.

OK SO DANIEL BEING A VAMPIRE. Definitely leaves the door open for past AND present Devil's Minion WITH THE ADDED BONUS of Daniel not going insane after he's turned (likely owed to not being turned while still a drug addled young man so, hey, if there was past Devil's Minion where Armand said no, kudos to him for reading the situation correctly that vampirism would drive young Daniel insane but not Old Man Daniel).

I was SLIGHTLY, SLIGHTLY bummed to see Daniel as a vampire without getting to see the whole Daniel/Armand situation but only slightly. There wasn't enough room in the season, it would have been a distraction, and IMO we can now save it properly for its place in either TVL or QOTD, which I bet are going to be Seasons 3-4 or as many as 3-6 if we stick to 2 seasons per book.

A take on Devil's Minion where past and present Devil's Minion are intertwined would be AMAZING and I've got my fingers crossed that's how they do it. Maybe interweave a bit of Vampire Armand.

I don't think/know if we're going to get a full Vampire Armand season BUT I do believe the show is going to pivot its POV lens to say, hey, everyone's got a point of view, everyone's got a reason. At some point, we're going to get more of Armand's POV and why he did what he did because I imagine his version will be different from Louis', just as Lestat's is, that's the whole basis of the show. And in there maybe we'll get some past Daniel/Armand.

Ok this already got away from me but ANYWAY, those are my thoughts for now.

[ambassadorarlert]

warnings: self ship coded (kelsmin canon), hurt/comfort, mentions of children + their given names, post-rumbling setting, implied ptsd/survivors guilt

a/n: this is our beach episode 🤙🏻🐚 enjoy!

word count: 855

minors + imbeciles dni

“Do I deserve any of this?” — Armin asked quietly.

He kept his gaze straight outward to the sea. Way back when it mattered, the idea of seeing the ocean was just a distant dream, and so was life in between everything else up until this moment.

The Rumbling had ended a little over a decade ago. The dust from that period of everyone’s lives had settled. The world was wider now, which left an infinite amount of room for change and growth and opportunity. Even though, Armin’s life was accustomed to tragedy, he had a fair share of important milestones since then.

His greatest accomplishment wasn’t stopping the Rumbling, or becoming an ambassador of his home country. The crown jewels of his life were his four children. They were all close in age and similar in appearance, each of them taking a couple of slices from their father and mother respectively.

Armin had accepted that he had done about a million and one things wrong in his life, and he accepted that he’d pay the price for it once he was dead and gone. He couldn’t get rid of the underlying feeling that he did not deserve the slightest thing he had acquired in his present life. How could he possibly be able to heal, when his actions are the reason why some never got closure? In what way did he have any right to go on and create lives when he had taken so many away? How was someone like him worthy of being a father and a husband?

“Armin,” A touch of his hand brought him out of his thoughts. He looked down at the beautifully manicured hand that sent sparks to his skin. The kindest woman in the world had the misfortune of being Armin’s wife.

There was a long pause, silence falling all across the beach apart from the sound of sloshing waves and kids laughing. Armin noticed she had worn her wedding ring to the beach. The oval Amethyst center and silver band suited her, just like Armin thought it would.

“Look at your children” She said, darting her eyes in their direction.

Together they made three girls and only one boy between the ages of five and eleven. Armin could remember where and what he was doing at their ages. When he was five, Armin remembered spending quality time with his grandfather and listening to his stories. A cycle he repeated with all of his children, but Clementine enjoyed his stories the most as she was still quite little.

When Armin was seven, like Thea, he could remember laying in the grass and rolling downhill with Eren to see who could roll the fastest. Owen was nine, the same age Armin was when Bertholdt and Reiner compromised the walls of Shiganshina. Dahlia was 11, only a year younger than Armin was when he joined the cadet corp.

“What do you see?” She tested him.

Armin blinked. They both sat back and watched them play without conflict or tears. The day was perfect. The sun provided the perfect amount of warmth and light, while the shade from the umbrella gave comforting and cool relief. The misty beach breeze salted Armin’s hair.

Armin sharpened his eyes on his children as they went about their fun, playing near the water. They were old enough to know better than to go too far, but still young enough to be kept under their parents protection. Dahlia, Thea, and Clementine gathered around Owen as he lay in the sand. They took turns filling their individual pales with sand and dumping it on top of him. Only Owen’s blonde head, that matched his father and sister, was all that showed from the mountain he was under.

“They are free!” She hushed.

The realization always had an impact on his spirit. Armin’s children never had to worry about if this day would be their last or where their next meal would come from and how they could make it last for the rest of the week. They had new clothes and shoes whenever their old ones became too small, toys and books. Above everything else, they never had to live in a world where titans where a threat.

Armin’s throat was tight with emotion, if he said anything at all then he might just crack. All he could manage was a flustered nod of his head. His heart swelled. It almost couldn’t take how despite everything he had done and the immeasurable amount of guilt he felt every day, nothing could wash away his pride for his family. He inhaled a deep breath of salty sea air to settle his nerves, and gently interlocked his fingers in with hers.

Her smile that stretched across her lips, that brought her cheeks high, never wavered at the sight of him. It put the sun and all the stars to shame. They smiled at each other, the atmosphere between them thick with unconditional love and the mutual fulfillment of breaking cycles and having their children be part of the first generation where titans were just a horrible memory to humanity.

happy father’s day, armin <3

( @ambassadorarlert 2024 )

[arvandus]

Hey, I wanted to ask what do you think of how hori concluded the todo fam arc and dabi’s vague ending? Do you think he’s alive or dead? Hori could’ve showed us at least a grave or a shrine. I just wanted closure :(

So, I'm going to preface this by saying that I have not actually READ the ending to BNHA, and gathered info just from the tumblr community. I checked out of the manga a while ago because it felt like Hori's heart wasn't really in it.

To be honest, compared to the ending the others got, I'm glad that his was left vague enough to be open to interpretation. After all, how many times has he been assumed dead/would die soon, only for him to give the middle finger and keep going?

I feel like Hori's feelings around the Todoroki family and Touya in particular run a little bit deeper than the others, just with looking at how much attention he put into the backstory. I really feel like it's been a combination of mixed messages, swinging back and forth between empathizing with Touya and being an Enji fanboy.

Hori's portrayal of Touya's childhood was VERY sympathetic, and Enji was shown as very monstrous in some of those panels (and in fact, the parallel was done with Shigaraki and Toga's pasts as well). Even his titling of the chapters (e.g., Wrong Way to Put Out A Fire) showed that the responsibility for Touya's downfall fell onto the parents rather than him as a child. I also liked how pathetic he showed Enji was after Touya's reveal, and when his family came to visit him in the hospital. Rei's commentary towards his sniffling was so refreshing, I was cackling and fist-bumping the air. Finally, I really loved that Natsuo never forgives Enji and straight up tells him he doesn't want him in his life.

But at the same time, Enji gets to continue on with life more or less without any repercussions, or at least that's the impression I've gotten from the snippets I've gathered on other peoples' posts and the manga screenshots I've come across. Yes he's handicapped and will never be a hero again, but at the same time, it felt like there's a lack of social/societal consquences. Hawks never stops being his fanboy, and Rei stays with him (God knows why)... I dunno. It just left a bad taste in my mouth. I think it's because he never really figured out how to step away from his hero persona long enough to really prioritize his family until it was too late. Enji should have immediately been out there looking for Touya after his big reveal. As a parent, I can tell you for a FACT that if I found out my child wasn't actually dead but was in fact alive and running around out there hurting others, you bet your ASS I'm dropping everything and going after them. Also, Enji should have been the one to face off with Touya in the final conflict, not Shouto. He should have faced him, lost, and then Shouto could have stepped him to have his emotional brotherly conflict with Touya just as it happened in the manga. Enji's behavior was cowardice until the very end, and his apology to Touya at the very end fell very very flat for me.

Maybe Hori is just going for the more realistic portrayal of how complex family dynamics can be, and how forgiveness really depends on the person. I also think that Hori's idea of what counts as a good redemption arc for Enji differs from what I think a good redemption arc for him would be. So in that sense, I just have to accept that Hori has his own take on the entire Todoroki family story and that it differs from my own.

But, I digress... back to Touya. I've always had the feeling that Horikoshi has had a soft spot for Touya especially, and I think this implied ending of Touya not surviving rather than showing it explicitly like he did with the others demonstrates that. So I'd like to think that Touya somehow survives and heals.

Overall, I think the ending of BNHA has fallen a bit flat because there has been so much emphasis on the grey areas between villains and heroes, and I always felt that the students were intended to save them. And that was especially Shouto's goal with his brother. The thought of him failing in that goal and not being able to ever have soba with him feels like such a waste of his character arc as well as Touya's.

So, I'm going to take it as-is. Touya's ending is intentionally ambiguous to allow the fans on both sides of the fence to pick the ending that they want (Hori, you coward). My ending for him is that he heals (although never completely of course) and eventually gets to have soba with his brother. It's not only what Touya deserves, but it's what Shouto deserves too.

[ruminate88]

Processing Life, Love and Trauma:

12/13/24 We All Process Situations Differently

We all process situations in life differently and at different paces. It honestly depends on your perspective, your understanding and your abilities/capabilities. I have had a lot of love to give and I don’t just “fall out of love” once I’ve been in it. That’s okay 🌹❤️‍🩹

I grew up being labeled in school and didn’t feel smart enough. I also was the family caregiver by 15, so I was always putting others first and I was just a super giving/loving person. I was the girl who said, “It’s ok, I understand” and I did NOT know how to ask for what I want in life. I did NOT know how to demand respect and was taken advantage of a lot!! I slowly had to learn boundaries and never understood prioritizing my “wellbeing”.

I was the type back then that “I mean what I say and ONLY say what I mean….” I don’t like to hurt others so, it was super traumatizing when suddenly I’m talking to all these guys online who seemingly have all this “advice” and “opinions” to give me yet it’s actually criticism!!! All my exes were critical of me at every turn. Never supportive and always making me feel like I’m not enough. My ex Andrew funny enough, kept saying HE wasn’t GOOD ENOUGH for ME …. 😆 Are you joking??? He’s saying it but it felt like rejection to me every single time… It felt like I was the one not good enough and that he’s actually putting me down. 🥺💔

My ex Cody ghosted me and at first, yeah, it hurt me but I just knew I had to move on … I immediately kept seeing a vision of a “zipper” being zipped up…. (You heard me) and I did tell my mom I kept having this vision and she says, “Sounds like you need closure” 😳 but I never told my mom about Cody or that he ghosted me…. I barely understood closure back then, just knew I didn’t get to say goodbye to Cody and yeah it sucked at the time and so cried a lot but I tried to “be a big girl” and walk on yet, I didn’t realize I was traumatized or that Cody left a hole in my heart.

I was talking with Andrew for over a year after Cody and was totally engulfed in Drew’s world. Everything was about Andrew but nothing was about me… the relationship was one sided!! He was hot and cold too the majority of the relationship! When we broke up, Andrew was a robot. No emotions just completely cold but still won’t leave me alone completely and messes with my head. There was soooo much confusion with him!! Eventually I had to block his number. Nothing made sense…. I’m even more traumatized but can’t see it yet.

I moved on and even married someone else but yet I’m feeling super disconnected from my own world. I’m just watching life happen but not really experiencing it. Feels like an alternate universe I’m in. Nothing is real. I’m able to “breathe” and as I start to feel safe, my body comes apart. My first Christmas married, I was sick in the hospital for 4 days and they said I could’ve died… Then by covid, I’ve now randomly lost over 25 lbs plus I couldn’t eat for weeks cuz I had burning in my esophagus/stomach which I had NO IDEA it was digestive issues!!

It took me a year of physical sickness but no clue what’s wrong with me, another year of questioning and begging God for answers to the past. Then a whole year of learning what emotional abuse is…. Another year after to start remembering what happened, so I write it down and finally a year of realizing I have emotional wounds that I need to heal from the past. Learning how much closure I have to give myself and forgive myself too. Wow…. What a CRAZY journey it’s been. Why did it take me so long to process all of it and is there more?? Everyone is different… I’m still learning and getting lessons out of it all. It’s an on going journey that won’t ever seem to end but it may turn into something deeper and more fulfilling ❤️‍🩹

I’ve also learned not everyone is empathetic or super loving/giving. There is different levels of both being kind or being critical. The more loving you are, the more it hurts to be rejected. I felt I was innocent with good intentions while my exes seemingly sought out to hurt me. Now, did they actually purposely try to hurt me or do they have emotional barriers and control issues that causes them to mistreat me??? At first when I realized they had emotionally abused me, yeah, I was angry and probably more upset at myself than them!! I felt stupid and ashamed that I missed the red flags, even though I ALWAYS knew things with my ex Andrew were foggy and confusing. Like, I always believed both Cody and Andrew were toxic just I never stopped to ask myself why I felt that way…. Every time I said it out loud that they were toxic, I felt bad saying it and would coward down about it cuz I don’t wanna misjudge people… as I remembered things about the past, I remembered Cody told me he was a narcissist and BOOOM!!!!! The puzzle was coming together.

The puzzle is not finished, it’s just half way there… I feel like a spinning top that each time I go around, another layer of the trauma/past is revealed and released. I go deeper and deeper!! I’m not just learning about the past, I’m learning about myself and life in general. How different people are and I understand I’ve just scraped the surface. Life is FULL of lessons and there’s soooooo much wisdom out there. The universe is SO MASSIVE!!! Don’t give up and keep going! Don’t you dare compare yourself to anyone else. Be you!!!!! Love you and others. Don’t lose your love because it’s great!! If my exes truly had childhood trauma (I believe they did) they probably needed my love ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹🌹 Even if they could only disrespect me and abuse me. Not giving them a free pass, just trying to understand where they’ve come from. Men like that aren’t born that way, they’re raised into the toxic environment that traumatized them and taught them to be who they are. Same as I was raised into a family that taught me to be honest and caring. I’m no better than my exes, we’re all different and yet we all bleed the same 🌹

[blueskiestarot]

I’m sorry if this doesn’t fit the aesthetic of your blog, but I’ve followed you for a while and you seem like you give good advice. Please don’t feel like you have to answer.

I got broken up with a few months ago. I asked for “too much” when I had asked for time, respect and effort. We had argued a lot in the weeks prior because I couldn’t get over the past (he broke up with me once before when i asked for a long term relationship, made comments on my body twice—but it was the completely wrong time and place, called me a derogatory name “as a joke”) were just some of the things I struggled to move past, ultimately I couldn’t move past them and he’d shout at me saying “you live in your head” “i’ve apologised once i’m not apologising again” and would ignore me and become distant when I bought up my feelings.

Anyway, clearly it wasn’t a healthy dynamic. It ended, of course, he said it was entirely my fault and he couldn’t meet my needs, he fell out of love, we’re too young etc etc. Cool. But this break up has destroyed me. I sent a final message via a friend because we’re no contact (he said we’d meet, he never showed up, ignored me ever since). The final message was “I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough”

The thought of everything consumes me. My performance at work has dropped, I have no desire to “make it”, I cry. A lot. non stop. It’s like the whole situation has consumed me and it’s stuck in my brain. My confidence is the lowest it has ever been, I struggle to socialise. I’ve tried therapy and honestly, it doesn’t feel like it’s working. I have very few friends, very little family, I work remote. I don’t have goals or dreams I’m so lost. It hurts even more that I get these stupid dreams where we have that closure conversation or we are happy together. I don’t even think I believe in love. How can someone go from saying “I want you, I’ll do everything I can to be the one for you” “I love waking up next to you” “You’re perfect, you’re truly special, I love you” to “I don’t think my heart is in it anymore, you’re asking me for too much”

Even the way it ended was really difficult. He claims he didn’t know he fell out of love yet i knew from the look on his face and the way he was acting the day before he ended it. I’m so so lost. Why wasn’t I good enough? I did everything I could to keep him happy, I cared, i listened, I treated every word and feeling like glass, I compromised, always apologised first. I did everything.

Oh, honey. Don't worry about it not fitting the aesthetic of my blog. I'm always here to help when you're going through something tough.

I'm so sorry that happened to you and that you're having a difficult time healing from it. Yes, it was clearly a toxic relationship and they were a toxic person but that still doesn't mean that you didn't have good times together and that you can't be sad that it ended. Please just be gentle with yourself right now and don't judge yourself for feeling the way that you feel. You're still grieving the end of this connection and while you can logically say that it wasn't good for you, it's going to take more than that to mend your heart. I won't lie, it's not going to be easy but you probably know that. It'll take time. I'm not sure when this happened but even if it was awhile ago, it's important to realize that we all heal at different paces. Plus, healing is not linear. You'll have to work at it and some days you'll feel like you're making progress and other days, you'll feel like you're making no progress at all. Just know that it's all a part of the process, my friend.

Also, feeling lost and lacking motivation after going through something like that is totally normal. Just take it day by day. You will get through it, I know you will. And sweetheart, it had nothing to do with you not being good enough. How he treated you said more about himself than it did about you? So, please don't put yourself at fault for his actions.

I would suggest to stay in therapy even though it may not seem like it's doing much right now. Again, it takes time. So, keep at it. Unless you don't like your therapist and they are genuinely not helpful. If that is the case, I would suggest getting a different therapist and see if that makes a difference.

Above all, just be gentle with yourself, don't rush the healing process, and allow yourself to cry and grieve as you need to.

I hope this helps some. Love, Tara

[camillabanilla]

The "death"/rebirth cycle of the Ever After; it's chekhov's plot device now. Like it HAS to come into play, somehow. To that end, we have three characters that have forgotten their "purpose" aka identity crisis island.

Ruby: does NOT have it in her to fight. If she does, her heart won't be in it, and I can't see her fighting since she can barely look at crescent rose without a panic attack. She no longer considers herself a hunter. Her identity is eroding, and no one is any wiser. Honestly this is kinda scary, like this kiddo is keeping this depression to herself and she needs to ask for help, but she won't and everything comes out all at once in a Very Bad Way. Too close to real life.

That being said, ideally Ruby discovers that it's okay for her to have bad days, to ask people for help, and feel her emotions. Honestly she reminds me of Riley from Inside Out. She takes the "bad" parts, and makes them a proper part of her self. The spectre of Summer no longer haunts her and Salem's taunts lose their effectiveness. You can even say, her painful memories and emotions "temper" her resolve. 👀

Jaune: my baby boi is a mess right now I don't even know where to begin. Yeah he was doing so great for volume 7-8 but maybe that just means he had the furthest to fall (get it lol)? Like he finally feels okay with himself, he's the team healer. He's not the type of guy to think of a mercy kill as heroics and it's literally the opposite of a heal so that entire cornerstone of his personality has been smashed. He's regressed to a place of self doubt. Except this time the stakes have risen and it's not that he can't become a hero, it's that he briefly was a hero and failed miserably (in his eyes). God even his angst is mature.

I feel like his trauma is different from Ruby's trauma in the way that hers is very psychological and deals with things that have happened to her, and Jaune's trauma deals with the things he's DONE or not done.

Shout out to the weirdness of him being super old now, but aside from becoming grumpy has moved on/changed on the least of all the characters. Like just look at the guy, he's literally rusting, even his new armor! His hair is long and unkempt compared to his previous fresh cut, and his broken ass sword is still....a broken ass sword.

He needs to forgive himself. Accept that all he can do is his best and it might not always be enough, but the world would be worse off without him. Sometimes being a hero involves doing the really hard thing, so that other people won't have to suffer. Like, reminiscent of Ironwood minus the paranoia and bullheadedness. Maybe he learns that he truly did help Louis and Alyx. Perhaps even, the tree requires Jaune and Ruby's help in resetting itself and he learns the benefit of a figurative rebirth. That sometimes death is necessary. That last one is icky.

Neo: our little murder goblin. Her sense of self is harder to pinpoint since we know her less well, and it seems like most of her motivation is "do crimes" and "do crimes with Roman". So I'm going to treat her like a villain for the most part. I do think she'll get some kind of closure on how Roman died: that if you fuck around, you find out/get eaten by a Grimm. I do find it interesting that we haven't seen diddly of her since she landed, like she's almost disappeared. Her semblance is wack and even though semblance evolution is a thing, I get the feeling that something about the Ever After is doin it for her. I don't think she has a good shot at coming out of this alive tbh.

But back to her "losing herself", she doesn't seem well. Maybe she thought Cinder would be her new partner in crime and she's super not taking that well? That could solidify that Roman was her one and only person, and she'll never experience that again

She won't go out in a blaze of glory without her either becoming a cautionary tale for not letting go of someone, or realizing for herself that she and Roman only have themselves to thank for their fate. Either way, I think she goes down with the tree. As much as I ship her and Fox, she's way too Chaotic Evil. I feel like there should be more to her story, but I can't pin it down.

[tobiasdrake]

This will be our third robbery. Getting to be routine at this point.

Remember, everyone: We are here for the workshop tools. Do not break the workshop tools.

Feel free to smash anything else, though. This all Aephorul's shit. If something gets wrecked because it was in the way or you just felt like it, that's no skin off my back. I am entirely comfortable turning this place upside-down out of spite.

Oh cool, we can jump him while we're at it. It will be refreshing. I don't know if you know but the area outside your dome is nothing but blue sand and derelict robots for miles; I am itching for a change of pace.

It's already smashed. Did you break out of it?

I think I can see silhouettes of little wispy poofs like you at the bottom of the ones that are still active. Are those still... alive... or did they not make it?

Friend of yours? Felt. Don't worry, we'll help you carry out some retributive violence. Sometimes that helps. Closure can come in many forms and, one way or another, is a vital part of healing.

OH HEY, what a coincidence! You look just like an asshole we're going to kill. What are the odds? Man, small world.

If it were dead, Zale, then B'st wouldn't have made a fuss about it. Obviously, it's taking a nap. But I'm about to start hitting it if it doesn't wake up because sleeping through its murder is extremely rude. I will not be disrespected like that.

Credit where it's due, your jawline is amazing. And I'm digging the mechanical snakes for hair pulling double duty as hands. It's a solid aesthetic, capturing just enough humanity to breach the uncanny valley while providing avenues for your work. Gold star.

I'm going to break your nose now.

...okay, when I said that, I wasn't expecting it to actually fracture so easily....

Can you, uh? Can you put your face back on? This is a lot grosser and...

You know what, never mind. I'll take care of it.

And that is how therapy works. Do you feel better, B'st?

Fortunately, we've been assured by prophecy that that's you so CHOP CHOP, let's get this mythical feat of alchemy going! I'm eager to see the results.

...

You know what, standing here in this place makes me feel very self-conscious about what I just said so I'm going to go away now. You guys... go... do what you need to do and ignore me.

Oh my god, I know I said I was going to go away and leave you guys to it but you've been at it for so long. Zale is poking a stasis tube with a stick for lack of adequate stimulation. How long does it take to cram a soul into a jar?

That sounds ominous. Resh'an, I am literally on the other side of a tattered curtain from you. You know I can hear everything you're saying, right?

You look amazing.

I have concerns. Concern #1: How fragile are you? Can you take a hit without shattering your case and bleeding soul fog everywhere?

...come to think of it, addendum to concern #1: Would it hurt you to bleed soul fog? Because I can think of some tactical uses for that otherwise.

Concern #2: Are those things on the end of your arms maces or do they have digits on them? It'd be a dick move to not give you hands.

THAT IS SO COOL. Do me next!

...I mean, not right now, obviously. Just. If I die, I want this to be my backup plan. Trust me, my will is strong. I've been told that I can be downright pigheaded. if necessary, I can probably get Moraine to write a letter of recommendation about how stubborn I am.

Oh, but make mine prettier. No offense, B'st; Your body is fine. For a prototype.

In any case, welcome aboard! Now that we've got you, next order of business is the speedballs.

Cultists? Huh. Wonder if it's the Acolytes.

Probably not. Aephorul said he was going to merge them with Strife. Which. Gross. But I hope so anyway because I miss my favorite punching bags.

I wish I'd known before that their bones were a thicket. There are so many cracks about "pruning" or "weeding" them that I never got to make.

Whatever the case, it's time to pay a visit to Esa... Esoteric... Estrid. It's time to pay a visit to Estrid.

[hypnotisedfireflies]

Ok say Joel was too late to save Ellie in Salt Lake City so he goes back to Jackson (maybe in shock? To give closure to Tommy?) and finds Tess there. How would that shape out?

Anon! You ask the hard dark questions, what are you trying to do to me?? Shit's about to get dark ...

Ellie was so instrumental to his ability to heal. Failing her - failing a second daughter - would shatter him.

He would barely get back to Jackson alive because he wouldn't be taking any care of himself or even paying attention to the journey. He'd just strike back out in that direction, hoping he'd die along the way, but not able to take his own life because he'd think he deserves a nice long life of suffering.

He doesn't make it all the way back. Gets close, but can't bring himself to go further and have to explain what happened. Once he arrives in Jackson life would have to start again and he doesn't want that. No Ellie, no Tess.

Tess, Tommy and Lachie set out like they planned in The Knight of Cups and find him in one of the towns nearby. Joel nearly kills them, firing from a sniper nest. He doesn't particularly care who they are and he's half-mad by this point. This is shooter!Joel from the hospital - totally disassociated.

They're trying to shout up to him who they are but he's beyond reason - and Tess can't be real anyway, right? Lachie gets shot in the arm.

Tess gets around the back of the building and quietly sneaks in. She manages to take Joel by surprise (because he's super fucking deaf) and holds him at gunpoint, but even that fails to penetrate.

"Okay, Texas. That's enough now."

And he'd just look at her with nothing in his eyes, no emotion - nothing.

"You know how I know you ain't her? Tess would've fired by now."

And then he throws himself at her and they fight. It's pretty one-sided - Tess is just trying to defend herself against his full brute strength. He almost kills her before Tommy gets up there. Joel can believe Tommy is real and he has a moment of clarity. He looks down and realises it really IS Tess that he's got kneeling before him in a choke hold and she's almost unconscious. He lets go and Tommy knocks him out.

Joel has a few weeks where he's basically in a kind of grief coma, totally shut down and seriously unwell. Lachie heals up okay and Tess can't talk for a week because of the extent of the damage he did to her throat.

He and Tess reconnect over this time and she helps draw him out, but she can't fix him. He basically ends up where he was at the beginning of TLOU but worse. He and Tess leave Jackson for the Appalachian Mountains and are never seen by anyone else again.

.... yikes. Sorry. xx

[repo-net]

In preparation of this year's Nagisa month

Likely to be my biggest project to date, and one I'm most definitely passionate about with how often I've talked about such a scenario playing out, ahahah.

For this year's Nagisa month - I'll be releasing a story based around a remastered version of Ultra Despair Girls' fifth chapter, with the plot revolving around Nagisa being present in the chapter!

While there's a lot of things I already enjoy about UDG and its climax, I've always felt that for one blue character in particular, it's a waste to have him absent from it because of the fact his character arc never gets a proper conclusion to it. Or rather - it did, if Nagisa actually ended up dying under his robot like he realistically should've, since it'd make a perfectly fine tragic ending (come on, doesn't 'kid getting crushed by a robot, symbolizing all the expectations that he couldn't handle crashing down on him' sound like a reasonable bad ending to you?), but then you find out that he's actually still alive for god knows what reason, it all starts to feel like his story is incomplete.

Nagisa is a character that undergoes a lot of shit tossed at him, from the start of his life with how godawful his backstory was, to the present where he's still going through a conga line of trauma and manipulation from friends and allies alike, he just can't catch a break; this story aims to show Nagisa the consequence of his actions, make him realize how much he's messed up, show the emotion and conflict that was caused by him and his friends, and give him a way to not redeem himself, because lord knows with how much he let his friends get away with - he's still far from the point of being redeemed and that's a story for another time.

Rather, it's for him to be able to come to terms with his heart and finally grant him the closure he deserves, to give him more interactions with characters and groups that we should've seen more of in the game. Nagisa; the one kid in the Warriors of Hope who truly prioritized their paradise, protecting the kids above all and just wanting to be appreciated for once finally getting to open up and accomplish that with people that are willing to give him a proper chance to see the consequences of what he's done, and to have the avenue for him to get over the hurdle that he threw his morals and emotions away for - Monaca herself.

I aim to show all the sides affected by the atrocities that he and the other Warriors did, because these kids aren't spotless and they deserve to feel bad about themselves for all the shit that they put Towa City through, but I think by having them acknowledge and recognize these faults, then accepting that even if they succeed here, they've still got a long road to go ahead of them before the damage they caused are healed, it'll help Nagisa's (and hopefully others too, idk how much confidence I have in writing them though) story culminate in him being able to rest easy knowing he's free from being a puppet for expectations, and now he can move ahead with his life to start righting his wrongs.

The general sequence of events will remain the same, really. Kotoko will still be present since I'd feel dirty erasing one of the bright spots of her own arc, and I think it's about time those two have a proper conversation with each other since we never really got enough of the other Warriors of Hope interacting with each other that didn't involve Monaca. The main change is that Komaru and Toko actually end up helping Nagisa out and saving him from his robot, having him treated, anger breaking out among the adults because their supposed savior rescued one of their biggest enemies, and Nagisa coming along for the journey all the way towards Towa Tower to finally come face-to-face with Monaca so he can help put a stop to the madness.

The prologue and the first chapter will be posted on October 4 (give or take a few days), on (hopefully it gets verified by then lmfao) my AO3 account, which I'll link here on Tumblr once it's up, with chapters coming out every handful of days leading up to the finale on October 23, which is the blue boy's birthday himself.

That's all, really. Thanks for sticking around, and hopefully y'all enjoy what I put out this year, it's been a long passion project of mine and I'm really wishing I can stick the landing on this one to give Nagisa the love his character deserves.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi mbti-notes! 22yo INFJ here. I've been feeling some crushing shame/guilt over a friendship that I fumbled. About two months ago I started talking to this girl and asked her out on a couple of dates and we really hit it off and talked steady for about a month, and I felt we had a genuine connection and I started to develop a crush. This girl just got out of a four year relationship three months before we started talking.

One night in a fit of jealousy I ended up basically telling her (word for word): "I'm gonna be honest, because its been on my mind. I dont think I want to continue talking if youre not looking to date. Youre really cool and i like you a lot, but it's gonna end up one sided because I'd rather have you as more than a friend. So if you're not interested in that, id rather just leave it there."

She was understandably very upset, saying, "I don't expect anything from you, and now its weird because I feel like you just want something from me." And I had to backpedal and try to explain myself but honestly, she was probably right. I have a lot of insecurities being 22 y/o and never having had a romantic relationship with anyone, and really just having a lackluster social life in general after just getting out of college. Because of all my negative feelings, I was pretty blind in that moment. Since this conversation our dynamic hasn't been the same after 3 weeks or so.

In the past I usually withheld my feelings until my crush on a person became unbearable, so I felt I was doing the right thing by being direct. But I basically gave her an ultimatum and backed her into a corner, and honestly? I don't even know how I expected that conversation to go in the first place.

I feel terrible about it still, and realize my intentions were likely in the wrong place. It's been a painful lesson for me, but it also hurts deeply knowing that I messed up a potentially great friendship over a fleeting moment of anxiety. Could I get your thoughts on this?

------------------

Reflect and determine the truth of what it is you really want going forward. For example:

Do you want to maintain the friendship because you're confident that you can get over your negative feelings? If so, do your best to make amends and see how it goes.

Do you want to end the friendship or put it on pause because it's too painful for you to continue at this time? If so, let her know and then put some distance between you for the sake of healing.

Do you want everyone, especially her, to feel better about the situation? If so, craft a proper apology that acknowledges your wrong intentions, how you handled the situation poorly, how you didn't give enough consideration to her feelings/experience, etc. Explain how you'll do better in the future and make the necessary promises to put her at ease. This would be an important part of owning up to your mistakes and learning from them.

Visualize the outcome you want and the best way to achieve it, then take action. Remember it's better to get some form of closure sooner rather than later. Leaving relationship problems too long allows them to fester, which means they get harder to resolve over time.

[thestobingirlie]

I honestly don't see r*nance ever happening. But I do love a challenge, so I'm writing them in a fanfic. And honestly, it's gonna take a lot of work. Mostly from Nancy, since she's never really had to work for her relationships. And if I make Robin's lack of filter a strength instead of a flaw - 'cause the way she talked about her mom saying that didn't sound hurtful imo - Nancy can be held accountable. (I also believe Steve knows she cheated but blames himself for it, which is a common reaction, so he didn't tell Robin) and I don't think he can find peace with it, unless he can close the chapter on Nancy. I still don't know what Robin could gain but maybe single Nancy can develop into someone good for Robin. For me, they'd have to be a slowburn, maybe not even canon at the end of S5, but more implied that they could get together. It also depends if Nancy can live with Steve being Robin’s #1 priority. 'Cause that's why Robin and Vickie won't work out in my fic. 'Cause Vickie does want to come first, which isn't wrong, and Robin can't give her that. But the main reason why they break up, is that Robin calls Steve family and Vickie says that he technically isn't, which hurts Robin 'cause 1. She's adopted and her parents taught her that it's relatives you can't choose but you can always choose your family. 2. If they want kids, and they pick the donor route, one of them won't be the biological mother, which gives them fewer rights (which is still a thing in 2023, except Robin and Vickie can't marry to change that) And Steve'd have to give Nancy the shovel talk 'cause he's seen Robin get hurt before and would never want Robin to get hurt like he was, even if he blames himself for it.

TLDR; r*nance could work, but it needs a lot of work and I have zero faith in the Duffers' abilities

i don’t think r//nance would ever work, but i especially don’t think it would work in canon. there just isn’t enough time to fit in nancy healing from her barb trauma, breaking up with and getting over jonathan, and having a sexuality crisis. and i would kill the duffer brothers if they wrote nancy emotionally cheating on yet another partner.

good luck on writing that fic! sounds like it’ll take a lot of work. nancy’s relationships are just so unhealthy, and i think it’ll take years for her to have a healthy one. and i can agree that robin calling out nancy’s bad behaviour could be good in the long run, though i don’t think nancy would appreciate it, she doesn’t really like being critiqued, and especially by a significant other.

i could see steve knowing about nancy’s cheating, but not wanting to deal with it. but at the same time, he just has such a volatile reaction to cheating, that even if he wouldn’t blow up at nancy, i think he would tell robin.

and i just don’t think nancy would be able to handle coming second fiddle to steve in her own relationship. one of the reasons she and jonathan argue in s3 is because he doesn’t prioritise her, and i think especially being second best to her ex (especially an ex she broke up with) would just grate her the wrong way.

and i’m glad you’re at least giving a reason for why vickie and robin don’t work, most people just ignore her.

and i think steve’s version of a shovel talk for nancy would kind of end up being him listing all the reasons why they went wrong, and telling her not to do the same to robin. i suppose in a way it would end up being the closure that he needs out of the relationship.

but yeah, r//nance to me is just a relationship that would require so much work and healing, that i just can’t see happening within, like, a decade

[ximogeeeenx]

After 5mos, still not fine

02/01/2025 1:39 AM

Five months have passed since I made the decision to move on, and if I’m being completely honest, I’m still not fine Ken. I think I expected that by now, I’d be in a much better place—more whole, more healed, maybe even looking back with a sense of closure. I thought time would magically dull the pain, the hurt would soften, and the void would gradually fill itself. But the truth is, it hasn’t. Some days, I feel like I’ve made progress, and others, it feels like I’m stuck in the same emotional space I was five months ago, wrestling with the same feelings and questions.

There’s this constant tension between wanting to be okay and struggling with the fact that I’m not. It’s like I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’m moving on, that I’m “fine,” but deep down, I know I’m not. Sometimes I don’t even know how to explain it—there’s no specific moment that causes the hurt to resurface, it just does. The grief still comes in waves, and even though they get less intense over time, they never really go away. I’ll be going about my day, doing something totally unrelated, and out of nowhere, a memory will hit me. I’ll see something that reminds me of it all, and I’ll find myself back in that space again, wondering if I’ll ever truly be free of it.

And honestly, I think what’s been hardest for me is the pressure I’ve felt to “move on” faster. People expect that after a certain amount of time, I should be “over it.” They might not say it outright, but it’s there—this unspoken idea that once enough time has passed, you should be okay, or at least showing signs of being okay. It’s like there’s this invisible timeline that I’m supposed to be following. But I’ve learned that grief doesn’t follow any timeline, especially not one that others impose on you. I don’t get to decide how long it takes to heal or what that healing is supposed to look like. Some days, I still feel like I’m carrying this weight—like no matter how much time passes, the emotional baggage just won’t leave.

I’ve spent so much time questioning myself too. I wonder if I made the right choice to let go, whether I was too quick to walk away, whether I gave up on something I shouldn’t have. I get lost in the “what-ifs” and “could-haves,” wishing I had done things differently, but at the same time, I know I couldn’t have. Things weren’t right. But that doesn’t stop me from wondering if I should have tried harder, if there was a way to fix things. It’s the mental tug-of-war that happens every day, and it’s exhausting. And while I’ve accepted that the past can’t be changed, there’s still a part of me that struggles with how things ended.

There’s also a huge part of me that feels guilty for still being so affected by it. The world keeps moving, people around me keep moving, and I feel like I should be too. But sometimes it feels like I’m standing still while everyone else is passing by. And I get frustrated with myself for not being able to shake this feeling. I keep telling myself that I should be stronger, that I should be more resilient, that I should be able to snap out of it. But the reality is, I’m not there yet. I’m still figuring out how to live with the remnants of what was. The emotional scars are still there, and even though they might not be as visible, they’re real.

What makes this even more difficult is the moments of clarity when I realize how much I’ve lost. It’s not just the relationship, but the whole life I thought I was building. It’s the dreams, the plans, the future that was supposed to be together. Those moments hit the hardest, when I think about the life I envisioned, and how quickly it all unraveled. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that loss—not just of the person, but of the future I thought I was walking toward. And sometimes, it feels like I’m mourning the life I lost just as much as the person I lost.

But even with all of that, there have been small moments of progress, even if it doesn’t feel like it on the surface. I’ve started to notice the little things—like how I’m able to get through a day without thinking about it as much, or how I’m starting to feel more comfortable in my own skin again. It’s not much, but it’s something. I’m beginning to enjoy things again, even if they don’t have the same meaning they once did. I’m reconnecting with hobbies and passions that I’d set aside for too long. I’m finding pieces of myself that I thought I’d lost along the way. But even with that progress, I still feel like I’m in the middle of it all—stuck somewhere between the past and the future, still working through everything that’s happened.

What I’ve realized over these five months is that healing doesn’t come with a specific timeline or a set of milestones. There’s no “finish line” where everything magically falls into place, no moment when you wake up and suddenly feel okay. It’s more like a slow, ongoing process that unfolds when you least expect it. Some days, I feel strong and like I’m moving forward. Other days, I feel weak, like I’m back at square one. And that’s the hardest part—the inconsistency, the unpredictability of it all. But I’ve also realized that it’s okay to not be fine. It’s okay to not have it all figured out. It’s okay to take as much time as I need, even if it’s longer than I want. Healing is messy and uncomfortable, and it doesn’t happen overnight.

So, five months later, I’m still not fine. I’m not where I thought I’d be. But I’m still here, still trying to move forward, still learning how to navigate this complicated, painful journey. And maybe that’s the real lesson—just showing up, even when it feels like nothing is getting better, even when the pain still lingers. I’m still moving, even if it’s slow. And maybe that’s enough for now.

:(

[phth4lo]

sorry large vent below (there’s definitely gonna be more cause I’ve been struggling with this SINGULAR THING for like 8 months now

Im still very hurt about the state of things between me and her. alot of it is anger in part of the unhealthy way I view relationships (that being transactional; which is Obviously not how relationships work) it’s just like. Wow, I did all these things for you. I had panic attacks and became physically ill out of worry for you. I supported you when no one else was there for you and helped you out of multiple abusive relationships. With her, it became clear a LONG time ago that you don’t really get what you put in. It’s just how she is. She is a deeply traumatized individual with no idea how to heal, and no idea how to have a stable relationship with the people around her. I think there’s some part of her character that makes me want to take care of her, fix her problems for her, etc. But at the end of the day I just kinda ended up being chopped liver. It really sucks, and it just makes it harder for me to actually trust people. I feel this type of anger that reminds me of my parents. It’s the type of anger you kinda feel in your eyes. I feel disappointed but not surprised. A lot of people have apologized to me over the years for not treating me well, she’s done so probably 30 times in the past two years. Did she ever change? No. I lost my faith in the idea of people changing. Even so, it’s only clearer to me that the way she acts is a product of her trauma. She is non confrontational to her detriment, would never tell me if something bothered her. She is a people pleaser just plain and simple. I can’t blame her for that, she’s not her mother (a genuinely evil woman. I have never met a woman so devoid of care for her children.) it’s just. I assume the worst of myself and my brain tends to reinforce that belief constantly. I perceive myself as abusive or perverted or whatever the fuck. Part of me wants to scream at her; tell her what she is. How she’s a manipulative social climber bitch who sucks people dry and leaves them when they’re of no use to her anymore. I can’t say I dont not feel that way. But then I remember everything I know about her. On the other hand. I think she has hurt me very deeply. Everytime I would call her crying, or brought up something that was bothering me, she would never actually seem to care. I can’t forget this September, when she cancelled on my birthday to go to a vocal lesson. A vocal lesson for a role she didn’t even get. I can’t forget all the times I tried to reach out and all the times I do reach out and she only messages back to ask about something else. I cried so many times in October and September because it felt like I lost a part of me. That was how closely I held her. And I never received anything similar. Even though she told people that I helped her through things no one else could’ve. It was literally just placating. I don’t want to see her again. I don’t want to talk to her again. If she were to disappear from my life I would at least have a bit of peace. I’m not dirt under peoples shoes. I don’t care enough to ask what I did.

AND SHE STILL OWES ME LIKE $100

FUCK HER FR. I GENUINELY DO NOT BELIEVE SHE HELD ANY FORM OF AFFECTION FOR ME AT ANY POINT THIS BIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HOLY HELL!!!!!!!!!!!

and u know what it’s bad cause like. I don’t really believe that. but there’s part of me that’s like. fuck. did she even care about me at any point? or was I just a convenience? the uncertainty is the worst part.

This entire thing has just been. Kind of damaging to like. Idk even know how to describe it that was lowkey a soul wound. She stirred up alot of feelings regarding self worth and inhumanity. I felt deeply devalued. It’s gonna take alot of time to unpack it, and it won’t be something ill ever get closure for. maybe one day we’ll meet again in the future, ill see her on a union station platform. itll be one of those shitty « let’s go get coffee and chat! ». That’ll never actually happen, there’d still be no closure. I was thinking of sending her a letter after graduation with all the things I wanted to say to her that I never had the courage to say. But I don’t want her to have any more space in my life. I think I’ve only been taking care of other people to avoid taking care of myself. I can’t afford to do that anymore, I have a life ahead of me that I’ve been waiting for since 2012. [NOT THE YEAR I WAS BORN]

I truly hope she heals. I hope I’m nowhere near her when she does. I hope she has days where happiness is a default feeling rather than a temporary state. But I hope i don’t stay around long enough to see it.