#It takes so long to heal from endings like that. You never get enough closure when there is still a faint hope of 'another day'.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Maybe we never had a chance.

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[hearts4hughes]

Hiii! Could you pretty please do a second part of the “washing machine heart”? In which de is able to move with someone who is actually sees her and he regrets everything… just like for closure or so :)

WASHING MACHINE HEART part2

you see him again in late february. not intentionally, not dramatically. just one of those new jersey coincidences that don’t feel like coincidences at all. he’s walking into that overpriced coffee shop in hoboken that you used to drag him to, and you’re walking out of it with someone else’s coat draped around your shoulders and laughter still soft on your lips.

you barely flinch. you nod. a polite smile. civility in its purest, coldest form.

and jack? he stands there like he’s just been hit mid-shift. because he knows that smile. that’s the one you used to reserve for strangers, or friends of his you didn’t like very much. that smile means he doesn’t get to ask how you’ve been.

you’ve been good, anyway. not perfect because you couldn’t have possibly healed overnight. but good in the quiet, substantial way that means you’re not bleeding anymore. not crying over voice notes or choking on what-ifs. the guy with you is the kind of gentle that doesn’t come with conditions. he sees you, really sees you, in ways jack never did when he was too busy chasing things that never stayed.

that night, jack goes home alone. his apartment feels colder than usual, even though he’s got the heat on. he stares at the ceiling and thinks about how love isn’t a slot machine you can keep gambling on until you get it right. sometimes you lose. sometimes you lose her.

he scrolls back through old photos. the one of you sitting on his counter in one of his t-shirts, eating cereal and arguing about movie endings. the one he took when you were asleep in the car, your cheek pressed against the window and your fingers still curled around his hoodie string. god, you were so soft with him, so careful.

he wasn’t careful back. he thought you’d wait. he thought you’d always be there, just off-screen, orbiting, waiting for him. but he forgot that even the most forgiving hearts have limits. that even girls who love quietly, fiercely, will eventually get tired of never getting it in return.

you don’t text him. he doesn’t call. it’s not a fight, not a scream, just silence.

and somewhere, between the distant memory of your laughter and the softness in someone else’s eyes, jack realizes.

he wasn’t the one. not for you.

but you might’ve been the one for him.

~

he tossed and turned in his bed. it didn’t give him comfort like it usually did. his mind kept wandering to those memories again. when you feel asleep in his bed after a long movie night��you clung to him like a koala and he never felt happier. when you would come into his apartment early morning with breakfast in hand—you’d always jump on-top of him to wake him up.

but now, that bed didn’t give him the same satisfaction and warmth it once did. it was just another ghost of you, haunting jack like a song he used to love but can’t listen to anymore.

it starts with a text.

just your name, nothing else, like he thought that would be enough to open the door he spent months slamming shut.

you stare at it for a long time. not because you’re surprised, but because part of you always knew he’d come back around when it was safe for him to miss you.

when the damage was done and you were no longer soft enough to cushion his regret.

you don’t answer and it takes him four days to try again.

jack: i saw you the other day

jack: you looked happy

this time, your fingers hover over the keyboard. not because you want to encourage him, but because you owe it to the version of yourself who once waited up at 2am, hoping for a fraction of this effort.

you: i am.

you don’t say thanks or you too. because he didn’t look happy. he looked like someone waking up too late from a dream he didn’t know he was in.

he calls the next night. you let it ring until it goes silent. then he calls again. you finally pick up.

“hi,” he says, like you’re still something tender between his teeth. you wait. let the silence stretch. “i’ve been thinking about you,” he finally says. “a lot.”

you almost laugh. “that’s funny. i spent months trying to get you to do that when i was right in front of you.”

“i know,” he says quickly. “i know, and i’m sorry. i didn’t see it then. i didn’t—”

“didn’t want to,” you cut in, sharp but not cruel. just honest. “it was easier not to.”

jack breathes into the phone like he’s steadying himself. “i just… i miss you.”

it hurts more than you thought it would. because there was a time when hearing that would’ve changed everything.

“i don’t think you miss me,” you say. “i think you miss the version of me that waited for you.”

he doesn’t argue. he knows you’re right. there’s a long pause, and when he finally speaks, it’s quieter. “i messed it up.”

“yeah,” you whisper. “you did.”

another pause…and then, soft, “are you happy?”

you close your eyes. think about warm hands on your back, late-night museums, a boy who brings you flowers for no reason at all. “i’m getting there,” you say. “but i’m not going back.”

the line goes quiet. and for once, jack doesn’t try to chase you into the past.

he just lets you go.

[liaragaming]

I've seen some posts with people feeling like Mythal was more important to Solas than Lavellan, and I just...

Mythal represents Solas's regets. It's not that he loved Mythal more. It's that he did such terrible things for her. And after she died, he felt like it was all for nothing. And he couldn't let it all be for nothing. Because where does that leave him with all those terrible things?

It seems like people wanted Lavellan to be the catalyst that changed things for Solas, and I'm sorry, but that was never going to happen. No matter how much she loved him, that would never be enough for him to let go of the pain he carried.

This is exactly what the Crestwood scene shows! He brings her there because he realizes how much he loves her. Because he decides he's going to leave the past behind him. And only when he reaches the very moment of his confession does he realize he can't let things go. Not even for her.

This was true in Inquisition! This was true in Trespasser! Lavellan is not enough to save him. If people feel like Veilguard spit in their face for reinforcing that... I'm sorry, but this was always the case.

Mythal is the catalyst behind Solas's regrets. He took a body for her. He made a weapon to sunder the titans for her (and the elven people). He made the Veil as retribution for her death (and to lock away the Blight), and then he wakes up to find the world destroyed in a different way and still dealing with the damn Blight. All of his choices feel like one giant mistake after another. And he has to fix it.

He doesn't give it up because he "loved Mythal more" or because she "mattered more" than Lavellan. But because she's the only one who can release him from the choices he made at her request.

Lavellan is there to pick up the pieces and say, "I understand the pain that you are going through that's driven you to do these terrible things, and I love you anyway because I see the person that you truly are underneath."

She sees him. She's the only one who ever truly has. Mythal certainly can't claim that. But Mythal is Solas's past, and it's his past that he needs to let go before he can embrace his future.

Solas's character and motivations and relationship with Lavellan didn't change between Inquisition and Veilguard. It's always been this way.

I think people were wanting a love conquers all story. And Solas's story has always been so incredibly tragic because love wasn't enough from the very beginning.

That doesn't mean Lavellan can't "save" him. I still hold the romance ending is the only one where he goes happy. Lavellan gets to be his future instead of one where he faces atonement alone.

And Solas does actually choose her. He tells her where he's going is terrible, and she tells him nothing will be terribleas long as they are together. And he accepts her love for him.

She can make the same plea in Trespasser, and he rejects it! He tells her he can't take her with him. He doesn't want her weighed down by the same regrets he carries. Only once he's freed of those regrets can he accept her desire to walk beside him and forge something new.

Tbh, if he wanted Mythal, Morrigan’s standing right there. Solas doesn’t love her more or care about her more. He's just in pain. And it's pain Mythal put there. He needs her to release him from it.

Solas has suffered abuse and trauma, and just like in the real world, love often isn't enough to just "fix" that. Solas needed closure, and that's what Mythal gives him. That doesn't make his love for Lavellan any less. I'd even argue it's Lavellan post the events of Veilguard that help him heal. But he needed that closure before healing could start.

[etherfabric]

Encouragement from your Spirit Guides

Choose a pile by which picture you resonate with the most.

If your mind is too busy to clearly decide, take a few deep breaths, and use the finger of your non-dominant hand to hover over the images. One will give off the most subtle yet prominent signals, like tingles, a magnetic pull, or temperature. This is your pile. Multiples are also possible.

You are the ultimate authority over your life. I merely provide my perspective. Sometimes the Universe lines you up with something that doesn't resonate with your truth, so you have contrast to find out what does. Never give away your power.

Pile 1

The Fool, 9 of Swords

Ditch the phrase "Do it scared." When you bulldoze through your fear, you hurt yourself. It is a part of you that you will never transcend, because you need it. You can't expect any sustainable outcome from this violent approach. Your Spirit Guides see your efforts and want you to know that you hit the mark a long time ago already, and they are doing all they can to line you up with more positive experiences. They don't want you to use force against your most vulnerable parts for the sake of progress that is not even due yet.

You were told by misguided people that you are too sensitive, too slow, too lazy when you feel comfortable. This is not the case. The Universe likes slow. It likes gentle, loving approaches. It will meet you where you are at. Trust in your innate worth of good things, and don't whip yourself to places and situations you aren't ready for. Good things will come - for example the much calmer state of mind you will have once you don't betray your own trust anymore by ignoring your boundaries. You deserve kindness, patience and everything you need to feel safe. Listen to your fear. It needs your love.

Pile 2

Strength, King of Cups

Standing ovation for your emotional resilience! Your Spirit Guides are so freaking proud of you. You found a place within yourself where you can watch the waters of your soul ebb and flow in sovereignty. Even the stormiest currents can't rock you enough to lose your focus on what's important to you. You exude an air of compassion towards yourself that is inspiring.

What you deemed impossible and beyond your depth not so long ago is now already second nature to you. What an evolution to witness! Take pride in the thousands of conscious impulses that led you here. Let the imposter syndrome swim its laps, you know where it stems from, and you know that's not the whole story.

Beware of your knack for arrogance, the other end of that spectrum, and the future looks peachy.

Pile 3

The World, The Moon

Your Spirit Guides want you to know that there is closure to a deep rooted doubt on the horizon. They way you are carrying yourself in the last few days is amicable, and benefits the integration of one of your deepest wounds. Healing comes in many forms, and you have experienced a good handful of them already. Buckle up for a whole new variant of dimension in this regard - things you deemed lost forever will be ever so close to your grasp again and provide you with a surge of motivation you couldn't imagine before.

When the shadows of the past cloud your judgement, hold onto the smidge of light creeping through, especially when it seems like a lukewarm joke that just can't be true. From the perspective of despair, hope always seems ridiculous. Well, get a little silly, then. Dancing naked might sound like the worst humiliation, but only to those who haven't tasted that kind of freedom yet. Get ready to hear the music soon.

Pile 4

Two of Pentacles, Queen of Swords

Oh how you are chopping down that bullshit quickly! No time for nonsense is written all over your forehead, and for the metaphorically illiterate, you have no trouble spelling it out ever so clearly. Your Spirit Guides are in awe of your determination when it comes to your boundaries. You are loyal to your highest principles, no matter what. You know for certain that your wants and needs have a valid foundation, and you won't tolerate any projected shame on that part.

In the past, people could drag you into psychological tug-of-wars that left you off balance either way, whether you "won" or "lost". Now you smell that game from a mile away and don't even touch that rope. Just one little advice: Choose your battles. Not every boundary has to be set in stone, and not every crossing of one is a fundamental failure on your part you have to avoid at all costs, or else. Humans are multitudes of parts, all with their own unique set of requirements, and context is always a factor.

But still, look at you and how far your shadow work around speaking up has taken you! Who would've thought that one day you would need a reminder that soft is okay, too? ;)

[g1rlsp1ckins]

🥨🌱&🐚 pleaaseeee!!! & any reality your heart desiresss!!!

𝓢HIFTING 𝓐SK ✶ 𝓖AME

for my haikyuu (college) dr

🥨 - TWISTY PRETZEL – what twists and surprises happen in your dr? are there unexpected friendships, plot twists, or new adventures waiting for you?

1. Reuniting with a Ghost From the Past

Oikawa Toru shows up. At Karasuno University.

He started taking a sports science program that happened to collaborate with my university. I found out by accidentally running into him at a ramen shop near campus. The tension is thick—unfinished conversations, unsent messages, and the silent what if that still lingers between us. He’s grown, still as dramatic as hell, but more grounded. And now, we're suddenly… around each other again. Cue emotional whiplash.

2. The Unexpected Best Friend Energy

I randomly ended up seated next to Yamaguchi Tadashi in a lit elective. At first, we didn’t talk much. But then we get paired for a group project, and I start to see his dry wit, his quiet resilience, and the way he works hard without needing validation. He becomes my safe space. We exchange playlists, study together at weird hours, and become those friends who can just sit in silence and vibe.

3. Manager Role? Not Quite.

Though I start helping the volleyball team with drills and stats, it doesn’t take long for Hinata to beg me to “just serve once so we can see it.” I cave, obviously. And it’s a bomb. The entire gym goes silent. Even Tsukishima looks up from his phone.

This kickstarts a new journey—not as a player (not yet), but as a speciality coach for the team. Daichi convinces me to help train the next gen of players—serve techniques, court awareness, and game psychology. I'm still avoiding playing full-on, but I'm in it, and it feels right.

4. Her First Real Crush Since High School

Oof. Yeah, it happens.

I never planned to fall. But I meet a grad student who’s helping out with the psych department, and damn, he’s smart, funny, and sees through my walls in a way that’s unsettling. Think: late-night library talks, unexpected emotional vulnerability, and a “why do I feel safe with you?” kind of tension. Oikawa notices. And things get messy.

5. Rebuilding Her Relationship With Her Old Team

A random group chat revival leads to a full-on Aoba Johsai mini-reunion. Matsukawa and Hanamaki still act like idiots. Iwaizumi gives me that solid hug I've needed for years. We talk about the past—openly. There’s crying. Closure. And healing.

· · ─ 🏐 ─ · ·

🌱 - HOPEFUL SPROUT – what personal growth do you go through in your dr? is there a skill, mindset, or dream version of yourself that you develop over time?

1. I stopped measuring my worth by what I could do.

Back at Aoba Johsai, I was the volleyball girl. Reliable. Strong. Sharp. I built my whole damn identity around that version of me. When the injury took it away, I didn’t know who I was without it. I smiled through it, but inside? I was spiralling, quietly.

Coming to Karasuno Uni, I didn’t just want a fresh start—I needed to figure out who I was without a jersey on my back. And little by little, I started to realise:

I’m still me—even when I’m not winning, even when I’m broken, even when I’m not needed.

That hit hard. It still does. But I’m softer with myself now. Less pressure. Less performance. More just… being. And that’s enough.

2. I learned to stay.

My first instinct has always been to run. If it got complicated, if I felt too much, I bounced. When I got hurt? I disappeared. Oikawa tried to reach out, and I ghosted him. The team? I shut them out.

But here… at uni… something shifted. I started staying. I stayed through the awkward talks, the emotional messes, and the moments where I wanted to shut down. I let people see the bruised parts of me.

Turns out, connection isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being real. And staying, even when it’s uncomfortable, is one of the bravest things I’ve learnt to do.

3. I found my voice—off the court.

In high school, I had things to say. I just didn’t always feel like I was allowed to say them. At Karasuno, I found spaces that actually listened. Lit classes, psych seminars… suddenly, people cared about what I thought. About how I saw the world.

I started presenting research. Sharing ideas. Writing poetry that got published in a little zine with a staple in the middle. People started telling me I had clarity. That I made them feel understood.

I still love the game. But now? I love my mind, too.

4. I fell back in love with the game—on my own damn terms.

Volleyball used to mean pressure. Winning. Performing. Being good enough. But watching Karasuno's team flail and fly and try with everything they had—it cracked something open in me.

They weren’t perfect. God, they were chaotic. But they loved it. And so did I.

I stopped trying to have some tragic comeback arc. I started mentoring. Coaching. Giving what I had without needing the spotlight. And when I stepped back onto the court?

It wasn’t about proving anything.

It was freedom.

5. I started dreaming bigger.

I used to think the goal was just… survive. Graduate. Stay invisible.

Now? I want more. I’m working toward becoming a sports psychologist. I want to help athletes who feel the way I did—lost, burned out, scared. I want to show them there's more to life than medals and perfect plays.

And I’ve started to believe that maybe… just maybe… I deserve good things. Love. Peace. My own joy. Not earned, not bargained for. Just mine.

· · ─ 🏐 ─ · ·

🐚 -  SAFE SHELL – who or what is always there for you in your dr, wrapping around your life like ivy on a wall? a best friend, a mentor, or a deep connection?

Yamaguchi.

Tadashi was the first person at Karasuno who really saw me, not just the “former athlete” or “American transfer” or “that girl who won’t shut up about perfect serve arcs.” We met in some random psych elective, partnered on a project neither of us cared about. He was quiet, but when he spoke? He cut through.

He never asked for the edited version of me. He just let me be—tired, messy, cynical—and answered with warmth. He started sharing his playlist. I started sharing pieces of my past. We built a rhythm. And over time, he became the place I ran to instead of the one I ran from.

He’s not loud about it. But he’s always there.

Coach Ukai.

He’s the one who handed me a clipboard before I even realised I needed one. He saw me watching practice one day, just lingering in the doorway, and said, “You can stay, y’know. Don’t gotta play to matter.”

That gutted me.

Because back then, I didn’t believe that. But he did. Every time I doubted myself, he’d give me a task—scout this team, tweak that drill, fix their damn footwork. He trusted me when I didn’t. He pushed, but never too hard. Always just enough to make me remember who the hell I was.

He became a mirror and a mentor. A calm, grounding presence.

Iwaizumi.

Hajime was my past—Aoba Johsai days, before everything cracked. Back then, he was steady, the backbone of the boys’ team. He was always the one who made sure I drank water after a match or stretched my shoulder after I took too many dives.

We lost touch after I disappeared. But the second he heard I was back in the game, he showed up. No drama. No guilt trips. Just an Iwaizumi hug—tight, quiet, everything I didn’t know I needed.

He doesn’t talk about emotions much, but he shows up. He texts me after rough matches. Checks in on my knee. Sends me ugly memes when I’m spiralling at 2AM. He knows who I was, and he respects who I’m becoming.

He’s my history and my healing.

· · ─ 🏐 ─ · ·

hey so new dr??? yayyy!!

[avelera]

I saw the IWTV finale early thanks to a kind soul sharing it with me!

A few (spoiler-y) thoughts:

Really interesting how they reimagined and framed the ending of this take on IWTV with Louis and Lestat mourning Claudia together. It feels like Justice For Claudia in many ways, it feels like a fitting homage to the origins of Claudia's character (the dead of Anne Rice's daughter from leukemia as a child), and in general was just a really interesting way to sort of give this closure the book never did and also use it to realistically allow them both to push forward past their toxic and abuse past into a somewhat plausible healed future.

It was also a decent reminder, to me, that these are vampires. These characters live forever. I would not condone Louis/Lestat in real life because life is too short to keep going back to an abusive ex. But these guys are vampires. Do not do as they do. But genuinely 70 years, a human lifetime, is realistically long enough to say, "Hey, we're new people now, we've learned and suffered a lot, we lost our daughter and it was fucked up. Maybe all we have is each other." And make peace with each other on that front.

BUT NOW I'M WONDERING HOW WE GET ROCKSTAR LESTAT - ok because Louis kind of got Lestat's book motivation for becoming a rockstar? The "Fuck you, come find me," to all the other vampires. Lestat I believe only speculates that as Louis' motivation, but they made it canon (or I could be wrong).

But that was Lestat's motivation for HIS book, making Louis and the others come find him. Since that's been solved with Louis coming to find him (lovely little homage to the IWTV movie with him playing the harpsichord) now I'm wondering if Louis is the one who encourages Lestat to become a rockstar and write down his book.

Thing is, it's not totally contradicted by the book. (SPOILERS) TVL does end with a beat where Louis and Lestat reunite and Louis is kind of his groupie for a bit. Moving that up so Louis is part of Lestat's rise is actually a really lovely touch, it gives them a bit more time together before shit goes down, and I could totally see this version of Louis as Lestat's agent since he's shown to have that business acumen.

Now that Daniel is a vampire (OMG OMG OMG MORE ON THAT IN A SECOND) the risk is no longer so bad for him to come interview Lestat and I'm sure he's salivating to do so and Louis would definitely invite Vampire Daniel to do the interview for Lestat's book, since there's no fear for his safety (or at least, not as much) anymore. And Daniel would jump at the chance. It would be a fabulous framing device, Rockstar Lestat with his agent, Louis, inviting Daniel to interview Lestat for his next book AND it means we get Daniel's snark throughout Lestat's story.

OK SO DANIEL BEING A VAMPIRE. Definitely leaves the door open for past AND present Devil's Minion WITH THE ADDED BONUS of Daniel not going insane after he's turned (likely owed to not being turned while still a drug addled young man so, hey, if there was past Devil's Minion where Armand said no, kudos to him for reading the situation correctly that vampirism would drive young Daniel insane but not Old Man Daniel).

I was SLIGHTLY, SLIGHTLY bummed to see Daniel as a vampire without getting to see the whole Daniel/Armand situation but only slightly. There wasn't enough room in the season, it would have been a distraction, and IMO we can now save it properly for its place in either TVL or QOTD, which I bet are going to be Seasons 3-4 or as many as 3-6 if we stick to 2 seasons per book.

A take on Devil's Minion where past and present Devil's Minion are intertwined would be AMAZING and I've got my fingers crossed that's how they do it. Maybe interweave a bit of Vampire Armand.

I don't think/know if we're going to get a full Vampire Armand season BUT I do believe the show is going to pivot its POV lens to say, hey, everyone's got a point of view, everyone's got a reason. At some point, we're going to get more of Armand's POV and why he did what he did because I imagine his version will be different from Louis', just as Lestat's is, that's the whole basis of the show. And in there maybe we'll get some past Daniel/Armand.

Ok this already got away from me but ANYWAY, those are my thoughts for now.

[arminsweetheart]

warnings: self ship coded (kelsmin canon), hurt/comfort, mentions of children + their given names, post-rumbling setting, implied ptsd/survivors guilt

a/n: this is our beach episode 🤙🏻🐚 enjoy!

word count: 855

minors + imbeciles dni

“Do I deserve any of this?” — Armin asked quietly.

He kept his gaze straight outward to the sea. Way back when it mattered, the idea of seeing the ocean was just a distant dream, and so was life in between everything else up until this moment.

The Rumbling had ended a little over a decade ago. The dust from that period of everyone’s lives had settled. The world was wider now, which left an infinite amount of room for change and growth and opportunity. Even though, Armin’s life was accustomed to tragedy, he had a fair share of important milestones since then.

His greatest accomplishment wasn’t stopping the Rumbling, or becoming an ambassador of his home country. The crown jewels of his life were his four children. They were all close in age and similar in appearance, each of them taking a couple of slices from their father and mother respectively.

Armin had accepted that he had done about a million and one things wrong in his life, and he accepted that he’d pay the price for it once he was dead and gone. He couldn’t get rid of the underlying feeling that he did not deserve the slightest thing he had acquired in his present life. How could he possibly be able to heal, when his actions are the reason why some never got closure? In what way did he have any right to go on and create lives when he had taken so many away? How was someone like him worthy of being a father and a husband?

“Armin,” A touch of his hand brought him out of his thoughts. He looked down at the beautifully manicured hand that sent sparks to his skin. The kindest woman in the world had the misfortune of being Armin’s wife.

There was a long pause, silence falling all across the beach apart from the sound of sloshing waves and kids laughing. Armin noticed she had worn her wedding ring to the beach. The oval Amethyst center and silver band suited her, just like Armin thought it would.

“Look at your children” She said, darting her eyes in their direction.

Together they made three girls and only one boy between the ages of five and eleven. Armin could remember where and what he was doing at their ages. When he was five, Armin remembered spending quality time with his grandfather and listening to his stories. A cycle he repeated with all of his children, but Clementine enjoyed his stories the most as she was still quite little.

When Armin was seven, like Thea, he could remember laying in the grass and rolling downhill with Eren to see who could roll the fastest. Owen was nine, the same age Armin was when Bertholdt and Reiner compromised the walls of Shiganshina. Dahlia was 11, only a year younger than Armin was when he joined the cadet corp.

“What do you see?” She tested him.

Armin blinked. They both sat back and watched them play without conflict or tears. The day was perfect. The sun provided the perfect amount of warmth and light, while the shade from the umbrella gave comforting and cool relief. The misty beach breeze salted Armin’s hair.

Armin sharpened his eyes on his children as they went about their fun, playing near the water. They were old enough to know better than to go too far, but still young enough to be kept under their parents protection. Dahlia, Thea, and Clementine gathered around Owen as he lay in the sand. They took turns filling their individual pales with sand and dumping it on top of him. Only Owen’s blonde head, that matched his father and sister, was all that showed from the mountain he was under.

“They are free!” She hushed.

The realization always had an impact on his spirit. Armin’s children never had to worry about if this day would be their last or where their next meal would come from and how they could make it last for the rest of the week. They had new clothes and shoes whenever their old ones became too small, toys and books. Above everything else, they never had to live in a world where titans where a threat.

Armin’s throat was tight with emotion, if he said anything at all then he might just crack. All he could manage was a flustered nod of his head. His heart swelled. It almost couldn’t take how despite everything he had done and the immeasurable amount of guilt he felt every day, nothing could wash away his pride for his family. He inhaled a deep breath of salty sea air to settle his nerves, and gently interlocked his fingers in with hers.

Her smile that stretched across her lips, that brought her cheeks high, never wavered at the sight of him. It put the sun and all the stars to shame. They smiled at each other, the atmosphere between them thick with unconditional love and the mutual fulfillment of breaking cycles and having their children be part of the first generation where titans were just a horrible memory to humanity.

happy father’s day, armin <3

( @ambassadorarlert 2024 )

[arvandus]

Hey, I wanted to ask what do you think of how hori concluded the todo fam arc and dabi’s vague ending? Do you think he’s alive or dead? Hori could’ve showed us at least a grave or a shrine. I just wanted closure :(

So, I'm going to preface this by saying that I have not actually READ the ending to BNHA, and gathered info just from the tumblr community. I checked out of the manga a while ago because it felt like Hori's heart wasn't really in it.

To be honest, compared to the ending the others got, I'm glad that his was left vague enough to be open to interpretation. After all, how many times has he been assumed dead/would die soon, only for him to give the middle finger and keep going?

I feel like Hori's feelings around the Todoroki family and Touya in particular run a little bit deeper than the others, just with looking at how much attention he put into the backstory. I really feel like it's been a combination of mixed messages, swinging back and forth between empathizing with Touya and being an Enji fanboy.

Hori's portrayal of Touya's childhood was VERY sympathetic, and Enji was shown as very monstrous in some of those panels (and in fact, the parallel was done with Shigaraki and Toga's pasts as well). Even his titling of the chapters (e.g., Wrong Way to Put Out A Fire) showed that the responsibility for Touya's downfall fell onto the parents rather than him as a child. I also liked how pathetic he showed Enji was after Touya's reveal, and when his family came to visit him in the hospital. Rei's commentary towards his sniffling was so refreshing, I was cackling and fist-bumping the air. Finally, I really loved that Natsuo never forgives Enji and straight up tells him he doesn't want him in his life.

But at the same time, Enji gets to continue on with life more or less without any repercussions, or at least that's the impression I've gotten from the snippets I've gathered on other peoples' posts and the manga screenshots I've come across. Yes he's handicapped and will never be a hero again, but at the same time, it felt like there's a lack of social/societal consquences. Hawks never stops being his fanboy, and Rei stays with him (God knows why)... I dunno. It just left a bad taste in my mouth. I think it's because he never really figured out how to step away from his hero persona long enough to really prioritize his family until it was too late. Enji should have immediately been out there looking for Touya after his big reveal. As a parent, I can tell you for a FACT that if I found out my child wasn't actually dead but was in fact alive and running around out there hurting others, you bet your ASS I'm dropping everything and going after them. Also, Enji should have been the one to face off with Touya in the final conflict, not Shouto. He should have faced him, lost, and then Shouto could have stepped him to have his emotional brotherly conflict with Touya just as it happened in the manga. Enji's behavior was cowardice until the very end, and his apology to Touya at the very end fell very very flat for me.

Maybe Hori is just going for the more realistic portrayal of how complex family dynamics can be, and how forgiveness really depends on the person. I also think that Hori's idea of what counts as a good redemption arc for Enji differs from what I think a good redemption arc for him would be. So in that sense, I just have to accept that Hori has his own take on the entire Todoroki family story and that it differs from my own.

But, I digress... back to Touya. I've always had the feeling that Horikoshi has had a soft spot for Touya especially, and I think this implied ending of Touya not surviving rather than showing it explicitly like he did with the others demonstrates that. So I'd like to think that Touya somehow survives and heals.

Overall, I think the ending of BNHA has fallen a bit flat because there has been so much emphasis on the grey areas between villains and heroes, and I always felt that the students were intended to save them. And that was especially Shouto's goal with his brother. The thought of him failing in that goal and not being able to ever have soba with him feels like such a waste of his character arc as well as Touya's.

So, I'm going to take it as-is. Touya's ending is intentionally ambiguous to allow the fans on both sides of the fence to pick the ending that they want (Hori, you coward). My ending for him is that he heals (although never completely of course) and eventually gets to have soba with his brother. It's not only what Touya deserves, but it's what Shouto deserves too.

[ruminate88]

Processing Life, Love and Trauma:

12/13/24 We All Process Situations Differently

We all process situations in life differently and at different paces. It honestly depends on your perspective, your understanding and your abilities/capabilities. I have had a lot of love to give and I don’t just “fall out of love” once I’ve been in it. That’s okay 🌹❤️‍🩹

I grew up being labeled in school and didn’t feel smart enough. I also was the family caregiver by 15, so I was always putting others first and I was just a super giving/loving person. I was the girl who said, “It’s ok, I understand” and I did NOT know how to ask for what I want in life. I did NOT know how to demand respect and was taken advantage of a lot!! I slowly had to learn boundaries and never understood prioritizing my “wellbeing”.

I was the type back then that “I mean what I say and ONLY say what I mean….” I don’t like to hurt others so, it was super traumatizing when suddenly I’m talking to all these guys online who seemingly have all this “advice” and “opinions” to give me yet it’s actually criticism!!! All my exes were critical of me at every turn. Never supportive and always making me feel like I’m not enough. My ex Andrew funny enough, kept saying HE wasn’t GOOD ENOUGH for ME …. 😆 Are you joking??? He’s saying it but it felt like rejection to me every single time… It felt like I was the one not good enough and that he’s actually putting me down. 🥺💔

My ex Cody ghosted me and at first, yeah, it hurt me but I just knew I had to move on … I immediately kept seeing a vision of a “zipper” being zipped up…. (You heard me) and I did tell my mom I kept having this vision and she says, “Sounds like you need closure” 😳 but I never told my mom about Cody or that he ghosted me…. I barely understood closure back then, just knew I didn’t get to say goodbye to Cody and yeah it sucked at the time and so cried a lot but I tried to “be a big girl” and walk on yet, I didn’t realize I was traumatized or that Cody left a hole in my heart.

I was talking with Andrew for over a year after Cody and was totally engulfed in Drew’s world. Everything was about Andrew but nothing was about me… the relationship was one sided!! He was hot and cold too the majority of the relationship! When we broke up, Andrew was a robot. No emotions just completely cold but still won’t leave me alone completely and messes with my head. There was soooo much confusion with him!! Eventually I had to block his number. Nothing made sense…. I’m even more traumatized but can’t see it yet.

I moved on and even married someone else but yet I’m feeling super disconnected from my own world. I’m just watching life happen but not really experiencing it. Feels like an alternate universe I’m in. Nothing is real. I’m able to “breathe” and as I start to feel safe, my body comes apart. My first Christmas married, I was sick in the hospital for 4 days and they said I could’ve died… Then by covid, I’ve now randomly lost over 25 lbs plus I couldn’t eat for weeks cuz I had burning in my esophagus/stomach which I had NO IDEA it was digestive issues!!

It took me a year of physical sickness but no clue what’s wrong with me, another year of questioning and begging God for answers to the past. Then a whole year of learning what emotional abuse is…. Another year after to start remembering what happened, so I write it down and finally a year of realizing I have emotional wounds that I need to heal from the past. Learning how much closure I have to give myself and forgive myself too. Wow…. What a CRAZY journey it’s been. Why did it take me so long to process all of it and is there more?? Everyone is different… I’m still learning and getting lessons out of it all. It’s an on going journey that won’t ever seem to end but it may turn into something deeper and more fulfilling ❤️‍🩹

I’ve also learned not everyone is empathetic or super loving/giving. There is different levels of both being kind or being critical. The more loving you are, the more it hurts to be rejected. I felt I was innocent with good intentions while my exes seemingly sought out to hurt me. Now, did they actually purposely try to hurt me or do they have emotional barriers and control issues that causes them to mistreat me??? At first when I realized they had emotionally abused me, yeah, I was angry and probably more upset at myself than them!! I felt stupid and ashamed that I missed the red flags, even though I ALWAYS knew things with my ex Andrew were foggy and confusing. Like, I always believed both Cody and Andrew were toxic just I never stopped to ask myself why I felt that way…. Every time I said it out loud that they were toxic, I felt bad saying it and would coward down about it cuz I don’t wanna misjudge people… as I remembered things about the past, I remembered Cody told me he was a narcissist and BOOOM!!!!! The puzzle was coming together.

The puzzle is not finished, it’s just half way there… I feel like a spinning top that each time I go around, another layer of the trauma/past is revealed and released. I go deeper and deeper!! I’m not just learning about the past, I’m learning about myself and life in general. How different people are and I understand I’ve just scraped the surface. Life is FULL of lessons and there’s soooooo much wisdom out there. The universe is SO MASSIVE!!! Don’t give up and keep going! Don’t you dare compare yourself to anyone else. Be you!!!!! Love you and others. Don’t lose your love because it’s great!! If my exes truly had childhood trauma (I believe they did) they probably needed my love ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹🌹 Even if they could only disrespect me and abuse me. Not giving them a free pass, just trying to understand where they’ve come from. Men like that aren’t born that way, they’re raised into the toxic environment that traumatized them and taught them to be who they are. Same as I was raised into a family that taught me to be honest and caring. I’m no better than my exes, we’re all different and yet we all bleed the same 🌹

[blueskiestarot]

I’m sorry if this doesn’t fit the aesthetic of your blog, but I’ve followed you for a while and you seem like you give good advice. Please don’t feel like you have to answer.

I got broken up with a few months ago. I asked for “too much” when I had asked for time, respect and effort. We had argued a lot in the weeks prior because I couldn’t get over the past (he broke up with me once before when i asked for a long term relationship, made comments on my body twice—but it was the completely wrong time and place, called me a derogatory name “as a joke”) were just some of the things I struggled to move past, ultimately I couldn’t move past them and he’d shout at me saying “you live in your head” “i’ve apologised once i’m not apologising again” and would ignore me and become distant when I bought up my feelings.

Anyway, clearly it wasn’t a healthy dynamic. It ended, of course, he said it was entirely my fault and he couldn’t meet my needs, he fell out of love, we’re too young etc etc. Cool. But this break up has destroyed me. I sent a final message via a friend because we’re no contact (he said we’d meet, he never showed up, ignored me ever since). The final message was “I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough”

The thought of everything consumes me. My performance at work has dropped, I have no desire to “make it”, I cry. A lot. non stop. It’s like the whole situation has consumed me and it’s stuck in my brain. My confidence is the lowest it has ever been, I struggle to socialise. I’ve tried therapy and honestly, it doesn’t feel like it’s working. I have very few friends, very little family, I work remote. I don’t have goals or dreams I’m so lost. It hurts even more that I get these stupid dreams where we have that closure conversation or we are happy together. I don’t even think I believe in love. How can someone go from saying “I want you, I’ll do everything I can to be the one for you” “I love waking up next to you” “You’re perfect, you’re truly special, I love you” to “I don’t think my heart is in it anymore, you’re asking me for too much”

Even the way it ended was really difficult. He claims he didn’t know he fell out of love yet i knew from the look on his face and the way he was acting the day before he ended it. I’m so so lost. Why wasn’t I good enough? I did everything I could to keep him happy, I cared, i listened, I treated every word and feeling like glass, I compromised, always apologised first. I did everything.

Oh, honey. Don't worry about it not fitting the aesthetic of my blog. I'm always here to help when you're going through something tough.

I'm so sorry that happened to you and that you're having a difficult time healing from it. Yes, it was clearly a toxic relationship and they were a toxic person but that still doesn't mean that you didn't have good times together and that you can't be sad that it ended. Please just be gentle with yourself right now and don't judge yourself for feeling the way that you feel. You're still grieving the end of this connection and while you can logically say that it wasn't good for you, it's going to take more than that to mend your heart. I won't lie, it's not going to be easy but you probably know that. It'll take time. I'm not sure when this happened but even if it was awhile ago, it's important to realize that we all heal at different paces. Plus, healing is not linear. You'll have to work at it and some days you'll feel like you're making progress and other days, you'll feel like you're making no progress at all. Just know that it's all a part of the process, my friend.

Also, feeling lost and lacking motivation after going through something like that is totally normal. Just take it day by day. You will get through it, I know you will. And sweetheart, it had nothing to do with you not being good enough. How he treated you said more about himself than it did about you? So, please don't put yourself at fault for his actions.

I would suggest to stay in therapy even though it may not seem like it's doing much right now. Again, it takes time. So, keep at it. Unless you don't like your therapist and they are genuinely not helpful. If that is the case, I would suggest getting a different therapist and see if that makes a difference.

Above all, just be gentle with yourself, don't rush the healing process, and allow yourself to cry and grieve as you need to.

I hope this helps some. Love, Tara

[tobiasdrake]

This will be our third robbery. Getting to be routine at this point.

Remember, everyone: We are here for the workshop tools. Do not break the workshop tools.

Feel free to smash anything else, though. This all Aephorul's shit. If something gets wrecked because it was in the way or you just felt like it, that's no skin off my back. I am entirely comfortable turning this place upside-down out of spite.

Oh cool, we can jump him while we're at it. It will be refreshing. I don't know if you know but the area outside your dome is nothing but blue sand and derelict robots for miles; I am itching for a change of pace.

It's already smashed. Did you break out of it?

I think I can see silhouettes of little wispy poofs like you at the bottom of the ones that are still active. Are those still... alive... or did they not make it?

Friend of yours? Felt. Don't worry, we'll help you carry out some retributive violence. Sometimes that helps. Closure can come in many forms and, one way or another, is a vital part of healing.

OH HEY, what a coincidence! You look just like an asshole we're going to kill. What are the odds? Man, small world.

If it were dead, Zale, then B'st wouldn't have made a fuss about it. Obviously, it's taking a nap. But I'm about to start hitting it if it doesn't wake up because sleeping through its murder is extremely rude. I will not be disrespected like that.

Credit where it's due, your jawline is amazing. And I'm digging the mechanical snakes for hair pulling double duty as hands. It's a solid aesthetic, capturing just enough humanity to breach the uncanny valley while providing avenues for your work. Gold star.

I'm going to break your nose now.

...okay, when I said that, I wasn't expecting it to actually fracture so easily....

Can you, uh? Can you put your face back on? This is a lot grosser and...

You know what, never mind. I'll take care of it.

And that is how therapy works. Do you feel better, B'st?

Fortunately, we've been assured by prophecy that that's you so CHOP CHOP, let's get this mythical feat of alchemy going! I'm eager to see the results.

...

You know what, standing here in this place makes me feel very self-conscious about what I just said so I'm going to go away now. You guys... go... do what you need to do and ignore me.

Oh my god, I know I said I was going to go away and leave you guys to it but you've been at it for so long. Zale is poking a stasis tube with a stick for lack of adequate stimulation. How long does it take to cram a soul into a jar?

That sounds ominous. Resh'an, I am literally on the other side of a tattered curtain from you. You know I can hear everything you're saying, right?

You look amazing.

I have concerns. Concern #1: How fragile are you? Can you take a hit without shattering your case and bleeding soul fog everywhere?

...come to think of it, addendum to concern #1: Would it hurt you to bleed soul fog? Because I can think of some tactical uses for that otherwise.

Concern #2: Are those things on the end of your arms maces or do they have digits on them? It'd be a dick move to not give you hands.

THAT IS SO COOL. Do me next!

...I mean, not right now, obviously. Just. If I die, I want this to be my backup plan. Trust me, my will is strong. I've been told that I can be downright pigheaded. if necessary, I can probably get Moraine to write a letter of recommendation about how stubborn I am.

Oh, but make mine prettier. No offense, B'st; Your body is fine. For a prototype.

In any case, welcome aboard! Now that we've got you, next order of business is the speedballs.

Cultists? Huh. Wonder if it's the Acolytes.

Probably not. Aephorul said he was going to merge them with Strife. Which. Gross. But I hope so anyway because I miss my favorite punching bags.

I wish I'd known before that their bones were a thicket. There are so many cracks about "pruning" or "weeding" them that I never got to make.

Whatever the case, it's time to pay a visit to Esa... Esoteric... Estrid. It's time to pay a visit to Estrid.

[hypnotisedfireflies]

Ok say Joel was too late to save Ellie in Salt Lake City so he goes back to Jackson (maybe in shock? To give closure to Tommy?) and finds Tess there. How would that shape out?

Anon! You ask the hard dark questions, what are you trying to do to me?? Shit's about to get dark ...

Ellie was so instrumental to his ability to heal. Failing her - failing a second daughter - would shatter him.

He would barely get back to Jackson alive because he wouldn't be taking any care of himself or even paying attention to the journey. He'd just strike back out in that direction, hoping he'd die along the way, but not able to take his own life because he'd think he deserves a nice long life of suffering.

He doesn't make it all the way back. Gets close, but can't bring himself to go further and have to explain what happened. Once he arrives in Jackson life would have to start again and he doesn't want that. No Ellie, no Tess.

Tess, Tommy and Lachie set out like they planned in The Knight of Cups and find him in one of the towns nearby. Joel nearly kills them, firing from a sniper nest. He doesn't particularly care who they are and he's half-mad by this point. This is shooter!Joel from the hospital - totally disassociated.

They're trying to shout up to him who they are but he's beyond reason - and Tess can't be real anyway, right? Lachie gets shot in the arm.

Tess gets around the back of the building and quietly sneaks in. She manages to take Joel by surprise (because he's super fucking deaf) and holds him at gunpoint, but even that fails to penetrate.

"Okay, Texas. That's enough now."

And he'd just look at her with nothing in his eyes, no emotion - nothing.

"You know how I know you ain't her? Tess would've fired by now."

And then he throws himself at her and they fight. It's pretty one-sided - Tess is just trying to defend herself against his full brute strength. He almost kills her before Tommy gets up there. Joel can believe Tommy is real and he has a moment of clarity. He looks down and realises it really IS Tess that he's got kneeling before him in a choke hold and she's almost unconscious. He lets go and Tommy knocks him out.

Joel has a few weeks where he's basically in a kind of grief coma, totally shut down and seriously unwell. Lachie heals up okay and Tess can't talk for a week because of the extent of the damage he did to her throat.

He and Tess reconnect over this time and she helps draw him out, but she can't fix him. He basically ends up where he was at the beginning of TLOU but worse. He and Tess leave Jackson for the Appalachian Mountains and are never seen by anyone else again.

.... yikes. Sorry. xx

[repo-net]

In preparation of this year's Nagisa month

Likely to be my biggest project to date, and one I'm most definitely passionate about with how often I've talked about such a scenario playing out, ahahah.

For this year's Nagisa month - I'll be releasing a story based around a remastered version of Ultra Despair Girls' fifth chapter, with the plot revolving around Nagisa being present in the chapter!

While there's a lot of things I already enjoy about UDG and its climax, I've always felt that for one blue character in particular, it's a waste to have him absent from it because of the fact his character arc never gets a proper conclusion to it. Or rather - it did, if Nagisa actually ended up dying under his robot like he realistically should've, since it'd make a perfectly fine tragic ending (come on, doesn't 'kid getting crushed by a robot, symbolizing all the expectations that he couldn't handle crashing down on him' sound like a reasonable bad ending to you?), but then you find out that he's actually still alive for god knows what reason, it all starts to feel like his story is incomplete.

Nagisa is a character that undergoes a lot of shit tossed at him, from the start of his life with how godawful his backstory was, to the present where he's still going through a conga line of trauma and manipulation from friends and allies alike, he just can't catch a break; this story aims to show Nagisa the consequence of his actions, make him realize how much he's messed up, show the emotion and conflict that was caused by him and his friends, and give him a way to not redeem himself, because lord knows with how much he let his friends get away with - he's still far from the point of being redeemed and that's a story for another time.

Rather, it's for him to be able to come to terms with his heart and finally grant him the closure he deserves, to give him more interactions with characters and groups that we should've seen more of in the game. Nagisa; the one kid in the Warriors of Hope who truly prioritized their paradise, protecting the kids above all and just wanting to be appreciated for once finally getting to open up and accomplish that with people that are willing to give him a proper chance to see the consequences of what he's done, and to have the avenue for him to get over the hurdle that he threw his morals and emotions away for - Monaca herself.

I aim to show all the sides affected by the atrocities that he and the other Warriors did, because these kids aren't spotless and they deserve to feel bad about themselves for all the shit that they put Towa City through, but I think by having them acknowledge and recognize these faults, then accepting that even if they succeed here, they've still got a long road to go ahead of them before the damage they caused are healed, it'll help Nagisa's (and hopefully others too, idk how much confidence I have in writing them though) story culminate in him being able to rest easy knowing he's free from being a puppet for expectations, and now he can move ahead with his life to start righting his wrongs.

The general sequence of events will remain the same, really. Kotoko will still be present since I'd feel dirty erasing one of the bright spots of her own arc, and I think it's about time those two have a proper conversation with each other since we never really got enough of the other Warriors of Hope interacting with each other that didn't involve Monaca. The main change is that Komaru and Toko actually end up helping Nagisa out and saving him from his robot, having him treated, anger breaking out among the adults because their supposed savior rescued one of their biggest enemies, and Nagisa coming along for the journey all the way towards Towa Tower to finally come face-to-face with Monaca so he can help put a stop to the madness.

The prologue and the first chapter will be posted on October 4 (give or take a few days), on (hopefully it gets verified by then lmfao) my AO3 account, which I'll link here on Tumblr once it's up, with chapters coming out every handful of days leading up to the finale on October 23, which is the blue boy's birthday himself.

That's all, really. Thanks for sticking around, and hopefully y'all enjoy what I put out this year, it's been a long passion project of mine and I'm really wishing I can stick the landing on this one to give Nagisa the love his character deserves.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi mbti-notes! 22yo INFJ here. I've been feeling some crushing shame/guilt over a friendship that I fumbled. About two months ago I started talking to this girl and asked her out on a couple of dates and we really hit it off and talked steady for about a month, and I felt we had a genuine connection and I started to develop a crush. This girl just got out of a four year relationship three months before we started talking.

One night in a fit of jealousy I ended up basically telling her (word for word): "I'm gonna be honest, because its been on my mind. I dont think I want to continue talking if youre not looking to date. Youre really cool and i like you a lot, but it's gonna end up one sided because I'd rather have you as more than a friend. So if you're not interested in that, id rather just leave it there."

She was understandably very upset, saying, "I don't expect anything from you, and now its weird because I feel like you just want something from me." And I had to backpedal and try to explain myself but honestly, she was probably right. I have a lot of insecurities being 22 y/o and never having had a romantic relationship with anyone, and really just having a lackluster social life in general after just getting out of college. Because of all my negative feelings, I was pretty blind in that moment. Since this conversation our dynamic hasn't been the same after 3 weeks or so.

In the past I usually withheld my feelings until my crush on a person became unbearable, so I felt I was doing the right thing by being direct. But I basically gave her an ultimatum and backed her into a corner, and honestly? I don't even know how I expected that conversation to go in the first place.

I feel terrible about it still, and realize my intentions were likely in the wrong place. It's been a painful lesson for me, but it also hurts deeply knowing that I messed up a potentially great friendship over a fleeting moment of anxiety. Could I get your thoughts on this?

------------------

Reflect and determine the truth of what it is you really want going forward. For example:

Do you want to maintain the friendship because you're confident that you can get over your negative feelings? If so, do your best to make amends and see how it goes.

Do you want to end the friendship or put it on pause because it's too painful for you to continue at this time? If so, let her know and then put some distance between you for the sake of healing.

Do you want everyone, especially her, to feel better about the situation? If so, craft a proper apology that acknowledges your wrong intentions, how you handled the situation poorly, how you didn't give enough consideration to her feelings/experience, etc. Explain how you'll do better in the future and make the necessary promises to put her at ease. This would be an important part of owning up to your mistakes and learning from them.

Visualize the outcome you want and the best way to achieve it, then take action. Remember it's better to get some form of closure sooner rather than later. Leaving relationship problems too long allows them to fester, which means they get harder to resolve over time.

[the-100-dateproject]

Day Two: A Journey Toward Healthy Relationships (With a Side of Humor)

Full disclosure: I’ve never been in a truly healthy relationship. The last one I was in? That was the first time I actually let my guard down and allowed myself to feel real feelings. I even opened up in ways I didn’t think were possible, and let me tell you—it resulted in the best sex of my life. Vulnerability leading to greatness? Who would’ve thought?

But, like many of my past experiences, it ended. Not with a dramatic breakup or heart-to-heart conversation, but with the silence of “no contact.” I knew why things fell apart, but the hardest part was that we never talked about it. I wanted to understand, to have that closure, but instead, I was left with a painful, unanswered silence. And in that silence, he showed me exactly what I meant to him. The trust that I had worked so hard to build, shattered in a way I never could have anticipated. It hurt in ways I can’t even explain. I’d opened up, and all I got was the complete opposite of what I thought I deserved.

I can feel the weight of those moments. There were so many times I was hurt, so many times I was disappointed, and yet I still stayed. Even when it felt like my heart was being torn apart, I couldn’t let go. And now, as I reflect on it, I wonder: What’s wrong with me?

But here’s the truth I’ve had to come to terms with: There is nothing wrong with me. In unhealthy relationships, there’s this constant push and pull. You give more, you love more, and you hope that it’ll somehow lead to something better. We hold on because we see the potential, because we want the best for them, or because we think things will improve if we stick it out long enough. It doesn’t mean you’re weak. It doesn’t mean you didn’t deserve better. You stayed because your heart was capable of deep love, and you believed in the possibility of change. That’s not a flaw; that’s the depth of your empathy, your vulnerability, and your hope. It’s a beautiful thing, even if it hurt you in the end.

I’ve spent a lot of time working through it. Trust me, I don’t romanticize it. I know where I went wrong, and I can pinpoint the moments where things shifted. But even with all that clarity, the end still stings. Losing someone without ever getting the chance to talk it through, to even ask “why?” or “what happened?”—that’s a special kind of pain.

So now, the idea of opening myself up again feels less like an exciting adventure and more like a daunting challenge. Vulnerability? Right now, it feels like stepping into a minefield blindfolded. Trust? Something I have to rebuild with time, with the right person, if I ever want to feel that safe again.

But here’s the truth: I am amazing. I have a lot to offer, and I’m constantly trying to be better, do better. I know my flaws, and I own them. I’m not perfect, but I know I could be an incredible partner. (Seriously, think of me as the emotional equivalent of a deluxe, all-inclusive vacation—ready to offer comfort, connection, and a little bit of adventure.)

But the big question remains: How do I start again in my 40s? How do I put myself back out there, knowing that part of me will always be a little guarded now? Where do I even begin?

I know it won’t be easy. Healing from the past, learning to trust again, and figuring out what I want from a future partner will take time. But the journey begins with one step—being honest with myself, acknowledging the pain, and embracing my worth. Slowly but surely, I’ll move forward. I’m not rushing, but I’m also not closing myself off completely. There’s room for something good. Something real. And that’s where I start.

So here I am, stepping into this next chapter, a little hesitant but still hopeful. Taking it one day at a time, trusting that in time, I’ll find the love I deserve.

[ximogeeeenx]

After 5mos, still not fine

02/01/2025 1:39 AM

Five months have passed since I made the decision to move on, and if I’m being completely honest, I’m still not fine Ken. I think I expected that by now, I’d be in a much better place—more whole, more healed, maybe even looking back with a sense of closure. I thought time would magically dull the pain, the hurt would soften, and the void would gradually fill itself. But the truth is, it hasn’t. Some days, I feel like I’ve made progress, and others, it feels like I’m stuck in the same emotional space I was five months ago, wrestling with the same feelings and questions.

There’s this constant tension between wanting to be okay and struggling with the fact that I’m not. It’s like I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’m moving on, that I’m “fine,” but deep down, I know I’m not. Sometimes I don’t even know how to explain it—there’s no specific moment that causes the hurt to resurface, it just does. The grief still comes in waves, and even though they get less intense over time, they never really go away. I’ll be going about my day, doing something totally unrelated, and out of nowhere, a memory will hit me. I’ll see something that reminds me of it all, and I’ll find myself back in that space again, wondering if I’ll ever truly be free of it.

And honestly, I think what’s been hardest for me is the pressure I’ve felt to “move on” faster. People expect that after a certain amount of time, I should be “over it.” They might not say it outright, but it’s there—this unspoken idea that once enough time has passed, you should be okay, or at least showing signs of being okay. It’s like there’s this invisible timeline that I’m supposed to be following. But I’ve learned that grief doesn’t follow any timeline, especially not one that others impose on you. I don’t get to decide how long it takes to heal or what that healing is supposed to look like. Some days, I still feel like I’m carrying this weight—like no matter how much time passes, the emotional baggage just won’t leave.

I’ve spent so much time questioning myself too. I wonder if I made the right choice to let go, whether I was too quick to walk away, whether I gave up on something I shouldn’t have. I get lost in the “what-ifs” and “could-haves,” wishing I had done things differently, but at the same time, I know I couldn’t have. Things weren’t right. But that doesn’t stop me from wondering if I should have tried harder, if there was a way to fix things. It’s the mental tug-of-war that happens every day, and it’s exhausting. And while I’ve accepted that the past can’t be changed, there’s still a part of me that struggles with how things ended.

There’s also a huge part of me that feels guilty for still being so affected by it. The world keeps moving, people around me keep moving, and I feel like I should be too. But sometimes it feels like I’m standing still while everyone else is passing by. And I get frustrated with myself for not being able to shake this feeling. I keep telling myself that I should be stronger, that I should be more resilient, that I should be able to snap out of it. But the reality is, I’m not there yet. I’m still figuring out how to live with the remnants of what was. The emotional scars are still there, and even though they might not be as visible, they’re real.

What makes this even more difficult is the moments of clarity when I realize how much I’ve lost. It’s not just the relationship, but the whole life I thought I was building. It’s the dreams, the plans, the future that was supposed to be together. Those moments hit the hardest, when I think about the life I envisioned, and how quickly it all unraveled. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that loss—not just of the person, but of the future I thought I was walking toward. And sometimes, it feels like I’m mourning the life I lost just as much as the person I lost.

But even with all of that, there have been small moments of progress, even if it doesn’t feel like it on the surface. I’ve started to notice the little things—like how I’m able to get through a day without thinking about it as much, or how I’m starting to feel more comfortable in my own skin again. It’s not much, but it’s something. I’m beginning to enjoy things again, even if they don’t have the same meaning they once did. I’m reconnecting with hobbies and passions that I’d set aside for too long. I’m finding pieces of myself that I thought I’d lost along the way. But even with that progress, I still feel like I’m in the middle of it all—stuck somewhere between the past and the future, still working through everything that’s happened.

What I’ve realized over these five months is that healing doesn’t come with a specific timeline or a set of milestones. There’s no “finish line” where everything magically falls into place, no moment when you wake up and suddenly feel okay. It’s more like a slow, ongoing process that unfolds when you least expect it. Some days, I feel strong and like I’m moving forward. Other days, I feel weak, like I’m back at square one. And that’s the hardest part—the inconsistency, the unpredictability of it all. But I’ve also realized that it’s okay to not be fine. It’s okay to not have it all figured out. It’s okay to take as much time as I need, even if it’s longer than I want. Healing is messy and uncomfortable, and it doesn’t happen overnight.

So, five months later, I’m still not fine. I’m not where I thought I’d be. But I’m still here, still trying to move forward, still learning how to navigate this complicated, painful journey. And maybe that’s the real lesson—just showing up, even when it feels like nothing is getting better, even when the pain still lingers. I’m still moving, even if it’s slow. And maybe that’s enough for now.

:(