#IVE NEVER BEEN MORE DEAD IN MY LIFE | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

thebirdandhersong · 1 month ago

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Lol

#theres nothing quite like your mother saying Well maybe you shouldve been more careful because now your boss might think youve been flirting #with this male coworker (whom i like splendidly as a friend) and now maybe she thinks youre not trustworthy #and maybe she regrets hiring you because you said you feel like youre making a lot of mistakes this week and she might assume thats because #your head is filled with this boy.#so dont make her regret hiring you.#MA'AM I TOLD YOU I WAS ALREADY ANXIOUS BECAUSE I MADE SO MANY MISTAKES TODAY WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME ASHAMED #OF SOMETHING THAT I HONESTLY HAD NO CLUE I OUGHT TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT AT MY FIRST NEW JOB AFTER IVE GRADUATED????#anyway going to bed i cant take this anymore LOL she said it so lightly and im like. well i never even considered #being afraid of making my boss regret hiring me somehow because of some kind of behaviour that i had no idea was sending some kind of signal #anywaysssss 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#and then she was like why are you crying?? 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀#not to be like this is partly why i didnt want to move home but confound it all why are things like this #can i not simply confide in my mother my anxieties and worriws #worries #and not also have to worry about her potentially being like Well have you considered you ARE right and it IS your fault?#idk man something something firstborn child eldest daughter can i have some room to breathe. please #also not to whine but Not my father walking in on me eating dinner at 10pm because i was holed up #in my room in a semi depressive state after so many gong shows in a work day and straight up having no appetite #but deciding my body needs the food anyway its better late than never.....walking in and then saying #you know if you eat this late you'll gain weight. SIR??????????????????#sorry to complain and rant again i simply cannot in this house and whats more am doing my best to honour my parents #but why is it so hard out here and how can they say stuff like that with a smile!!!!!!!#also i DO have an inner critic who is always like Its your fault you are the worst you should be ashamed always........why do my parents #not understand after knowing me for so long and watching me grow up #that i can make myself so ashamed of the smallest thing so easily and that what they say drives me to shame almost as easily?#ANYWAY LOL WHAT A DAY #you guys!!! i am working so hard i promise i PROMISE I am!!! it is my first full time job ever and i am working so so hard #i am doing my absolute best and no one sees it and that is FINE i just wish my parents would see that i AM trying!!#i come back home so dead every single day because i put in 120%! this is literally my first job after graduation #and my parents KNOW this has been the most exhausting taxing and soul crushing year ive had in my very short life so far

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opens-up-4-nobody · 3 months ago

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#i never really thought about a person being a finite thing. you can see the effects of a person after they die. in the unfinished projects.#in the rooms of clutter. in abandoned closets. in pictures and in mermered phrases. and you can see time #chipping away at those things. eroding away the evidance that a person existed. clothes move into other people's closets. projects are boxed #away. and a person becomes confined to photos and memories. and thats existentially terrifying but its not a bad thing. time erodes away all #things. that's how life works. matter and energy transforms.#we arent made to last forever. i dunno. i guess im still just rattled from being home even tho ive been back a week and a half.#and my brain tends to fixate on the wrong things. nearly 27 years of knowing someone eclipsed by a visual sequence lasting less than a day.#bc i just cant get over how scary it would be to die like that. to start losing control of your body. to not be able to feed yourself or get #to the bathroom. to have your mind be overcome by the toxins building up in your mangled and broken body.#and it could have been worse. it could have been a lot worse. but its still not fair. theres no good way to die. i dunno. i guess i just #miss my mom in some abstract way but i find it more viscerally upsetting to think about the people that have to deal with her absence.#it makes me sad that my dad is alone now. i dunno. grief doesnt feel like i thought it would. most of the time i dont even know what im #crying about. its undirected. it doesnt feel like: i miss you. it feels like: youre gone. how can you be gone? why does everything feel the #same? and its not that it doesnt make sense. its that nothings changed. the terror of that.#and im walking around in an acumulation of my dead mother's clothes. and no one knows. theyll never know.#and there's nothing to be done about it. so it goes.#i guess im just sad. and its hard to breathe at the thought of returning to school at the end of August.#unrelated

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bunnyboy-juice · 22 days ago

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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner

#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr #me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel #and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need #space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time #but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single #Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was #much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh #i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups #and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that #definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him #its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh #cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did #like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess #guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here #and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno #we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff #that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting #i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it #i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu #anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu #publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago #n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus #being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the #stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)

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james-spooky · 1 month ago

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this is a test

#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th #the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo #g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit #ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco #ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo #e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a #ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha #e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t #care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea #y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss #im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop #e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo #ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas #ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can #use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s #much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a #annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically #now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s #lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like #what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or #smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc #ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other #than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140 #haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai #let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o #what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some #one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james #im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh #w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause #ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:

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sugarsnappeases · 9 months ago

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thank you for the tag @fxreflyes this is so cute, except the format is trying to hinder my propensity to ramble, so i’ve rectified this in the tags lmao

i’m over 5'5 / i wear glasses or contacts / i have blonde hair / i often wear sweatshirts / i prefer loose clothing over tight clothes / i have one or two piercings / i have at least one tattoo / i have blue eyes / i have dyed or highlighted my hair / i have or have had braces / i have freckles / i paint my nails / i typically wear makeup / i don’t often smile / resting bitch face / i play sports / i play an instrument / i know more than one language / i can cook or bake / i like writing / i like to read / i can multitask / i’ve never dated anyone / i have a best friend i’ve known for over five years / i am an only child

no pressure tags for @static-radio-ao3 @inevitablestars @itsjaywalkers @carniferous @orbitfalls @transsexualpriest @futurequibblerjournalist <333

#i'm like 5'7 i think. fun fact i used to wear glasses when i was like 11 bc all my friends were getting glasses and i wanted some too so i #lied to my optician. lol good times. don't actually need glasses tho soooo.#this is me coming out as a natural blonde guys….. like my hair hasn’t been blonde in a good year or so and it hasn’t been my natural blonde #in like three/four years but still in my heart of hearts i identify as a blonde. like i get confused when people don't count me as one #i have my ears and nose pierced and i would love a tattoo but unfortunately i have both a fear of needles and commitment issues so.#not sure if that’ll ever happen… would be very hot and sexy tho. also i'm one of those freaks with green eyes lol it's appaza quite rare #my hair is currently like dark dark brown… have been getting the itch to dye it again tho like a kinda reddish colour idk yet we’ll see #i had braces for AAGES. i have freckles in the summer and i paint my nails whenever i remember to. rn they’re a very chipped lilac colour #i think i have a resting bitch face but i can never tell tbf like it might be more of a resting 'dead to the world' face lmao #okay technically i don’t play an instrument anymore! but in the past i’ve dabbled with the cello the oboe and the xylophone. singing too #spanish and italian baybee although ig if this means like fluently then that’s not me but this is literally my degree it’s my whole brand #yes i like to read but also the only things ive read in like the last few months have been either books in spanish/italian for my degree #literary criticism for said span/ital books and… fanfic. so. also i like writing but it's my worst enemy rn the thoughts aren't working :(#i have many best friends that i’ve known for years!!!! in fact i've known some of my friends for like my entire life it's very cute #okay sorry for rambling i can never help myself and i also literally could go on icl like there was Some restraint applied here #kara lore #bc there's quite a lot of it in this one lol #tag games

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gemharvest · 3 months ago

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My phooonneee gotta charge I've been using it all day but that's chill cuz I'm eating anyways. And then after I've eaten I'm gonna grind out this fic and then like. Figure out what I'm doing with my fics in general. Not a great sign that I'm starting to take this seriously.

#ramblings #ive never been more glad to eat frozen burritos in my life (dont wanna go thru the effort of making literally anything else)#anyways. i say not a great sign bc stuff like this im always worried when i try to commit myself to something serious ill never actually #get it done. but ig ive got extra confidence from finishing the first draft of that comic idk #<- would not have been able to get to even that stage for any previous hyperfixation ive had im being dead serious #the way im going abt this fnf fixation is such an outlier im going to be real. yall are seeing me act in ways i have never done before #mostly in like. an engaging with others sense. my su movie fixation was probably the last time i engaged with others like #this and that was nearly 5 years ago. i need to learn to engage more but also i am so scared of people always LOL

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all-the-bones-ever · 2 years ago

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king of the sculk shelby

king of the evermoore shelby

greatest witch shelby

evil shelby who still f e e l s things

best character ever shubble

#this is more important than nature wives #sry not sry #mcytblr #esmp tag #esmp s2 #esmp season 2 #great witch shelby #esmp shubble #esmp #no matter how hard she tries shes still empathetic #she doesnt want to care about what damage she causes but she /does/#nature wives may be dead but shubble sure aint #ive never been this happy in my life #shubble #shubble empires #empires smp #empires season two #empires shubble

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luvbug724 · 9 months ago

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36 days.

i think we as a fandom don't talk about dan and renee enough aftg hitlist anon. i understand that renison and mattdan (?) prevail but we need to look at the sheer potential in that one short story about dan's recruitment alone. the sports rivalry turned hatred. dan only getting recruited because wymack came to watch renee. the strip club. having to unite in the face of misogynists. do you see the vision. do u see the vision aftg hitlist anon.

#i'm sorry i know i always go against mainstream fanon #but are u seeing this #more unpopular fanon sorry:#bi renee. ive been a jeanee truther for 3 years i cant put it down. their canon interactions r really cute theyre just got the vibes sorry #at least some of the foxes have gotta be a little ugly im sorry guys they cant all be hot #i hate reading aus unless its like nearly exactly canon backstories but they meet differently #that ones just like a general thing all the time i'm not an au person #i LAY MY LIFE DOWN for people who write like ridiculously long pre canon or post canon fics #um #u might be able to guess what fandom i very recently got into based on that #if u r thinking “Is it that one?” the answer is probably yes. its a big one.#have never read or watched source material nor do i plan to who cares they're all dead anyway & authors a pos #also missing scene canon compliant fics. anyone whose ever written andrew pov baltimore.... i come to you humbly #and with love #aftg hitlist anon #i hope u know that my replies to these asks r genuinely the first thing i think of in response thats the philosophy im going with here #today i have dan and renee on the brain. it happens.

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skeletons-in-ur-closet · 2 months ago

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this isnt the account for this i KNOW but jjk just ended and it was the worst thing ive ever read oh my daysssss

#my god bro #IT ENDED THE EAY IT STARTED. THERE WAS NO DEVELOPMENT AT ALLLLLL #it literally ended w sukunas finger in that same shrine box thingy....some dumb mf is gonna eat that thing again and make jjk2 #electric boogaloo #1. why the kenjaku/geto tease at the end of the previous chapter. what even was the point of that it wasnt even MENTIONED #2. we got a scene with megumi burying his sister which understandable...BUT NOT ONE FOR GOJO????#NO OFFENSE BUT TSUMIKI APPEARED TWICE LIKE IF SHE CAN GET A BURIAL SO CAN GOJO #3. dont get me started on gojo bro ive never seen such a mishandling of a character in my life #all im gonna say is that 2 page flashback of him being like 'everyones gonna forget me once im not the strongest anymore'...and he was RIGH #HE WAS RIGHT HE DIDNT GET A BURIAL OR ANYTHING HE GOT HIS GODDAMN BODY POSSESSED JUST FOR NOTHING #HIS BRAIN IS WHO KNOWS WHERE #the ones who truly won were the sukuna gojo shippers bc one of the last things gojo said was 'everyones going to forget me'#and sukuna said 'ill never forget you for as long as i live'...sukuna TECHNICALLY isnt dead so hes fr the only one honoring gojo #3. i just wish we got some more worldbuilding bc for the last couple chapters theyve been mentioning a whole bunch of clans #and trying to explain their significance??? like kusakabe becoming the leader of the simple domain clan #they talked about that for a whole damn chapter WHAT SIGNIFICANCE DOES THAT HAVE??? EVERYONES BEEN USING A SIMPLE DOMAIN WYMMMMMMM #and then yuta and todo are like kinda cousins and are in the same clan but again we never got introduced to them before IT MEANS NOTHINGGGG #AND THIS WAS EVEN AN ISSUE IN THE SUKUNA FIGHT!!! like they talked about all these generals and clans he defeated but we never saw them #so it literally means nothing!!! just give us a little piece of heian era lore please please please #oh my god and them just pretending everythings fine and dandy bc sukuna is sealed again #youre telling me japan had shibuya and shinjuku absoltely destroyed in the span on 2 months and we just never got #any insight about how the country recovered??? or whats going on AFTER sukuna was defeated???#the closest thing we got was the american soldiers coming to japan to defeat some spirits but thats literally it

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qqqqqqqqqqq0 · 4 months ago

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i've been having some trouble falling asleep lately

#art #i'll be yapping in the tags #its not that im depressed or anything. it is the opposite actually #ive been using this medicine for quite some time. and it made all my negative emotions disappear #“oh wow huh but isnt it great you don't feel bad anymore”. this is the same thing my psychiatrist told me when we were discussing this topic #in hindsight it was kinda silly of her to say. i can't believe i pay a ridiculous amount of money per session just to hear shit like that #but she's cute and im a pathetic homosexual who'll seethe at the sight of other specialists like a beaten dog so I will let it slide i guess #we see each other twice a year anyway and all i need from her is the prescription for happy pills. anyway the happypillen #i would fight god if it means i can use stertraline for the rest of my life. thanks to it i can and i do live #but I don't really feel like myself anymore. do you get what i mean #the things that have been giving me anxiety attacks or flashbacks not so long ago? i feel almost nothing about it at this momet #it still haunts me to this day but the intensity of my feelings and emotions does not reach even 1/5 of what it was before #i do not want to disclose more specific topics so i will use a simple example. i used to be afraid of dogs #the fear was so severe that the mere sight of the tiniest little barfing creature was enough for me to freeze #now i can pass one without any problem. the fear i feel today is nothing more than a shadow of bygone times (something i do out of habit)#but i guess this example is not objective enough since my close irl friend has a dog that i became fond of #im still pretty sure this dog of her is capable of biting my ass off if necessary but im not afraid of it #because fear is not an option in this brain of mine at this moment #i don't feel any anxiety sadness or anger anymore. even if something close to it begins to rise in me it shuns down within a few minutes #i can't even cry. i am craving emotions that i was so eagerly trying to dispose of back then #i feel the most mentally stable I have ever been and at the same time i feel pretty much dead.#perhaps i just got used to the fact that sorrow accompanied me for a very long time and i should learn to live without it #perhaps sorrow is just as important as happiness and its absence is a mere side effect of the happy pills #and i have to put up with it in order to have a functional brain #perhaps we people are never happy with what we have in our hands. also i hate drawing #one's can tell since the picture i attached is raw as fuck #but even despite my praised mental stability if i were to stay alone with it even for a minute longer i would go insane #next time i will draw something lighter and cuter. like my favorite kpop boy or fortnite. maybe in the next century #thanks for coming to my tedtalk. bye #i made a typo in the word “sertraline” but im too lazy to fix it i would fight god for you but i will not do this im sorry zoloft

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orcelito · 4 months ago

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I'm tired of dreaming about my dad. I know it's part of processing, but I am just so tired.

#speculation nation #negative/#sometimes theyre nice dreams where i have him back. except i still wake up sad.#sometimes theyre dreams where im trying to prevent what i know is going to come. but without fail i wake up. and he's already dead.#and then there are dreams like the one i just woke up from. where i know he's dead and im feeling the full force of grief once again #bawling and bawling in-dream. with enough force that it wakes me up.#and of course. i wake up sad from these too.#it makes me think about that passage i wrote for ITNL. well over a year ago. before the Year Of Death even began.#where i wrote about vash dreaming of wolfwood. with a similar sort of vibe to this.#i wrote that inspired by the death of my grandma. who i was close with and greatly troubled by her death.#even that had nothing on my dad though. no loss has ever felt this severe before.#it's been 5 months and sometimes i feel okay. but then i feel the ache deep in my chest again #and i know im never going to be fully free from this pain.#i want to go back to the person i was before i lost my dad. to before i lost my uncle.#i want to go back to early may of last year. where life seemed hopeful and i was minimally touched by death.#only 2 deaths from people close to me. 3 deaths if you count my childhood cat.#now im up to 5 deaths of people who were close to me. and 7 if you count my sweet baby boys.#can you believe that? 4 deaths ive grieved in the past year (and a bit). 2 more deaths of ppl i knew but wasnt close to.#and 2 of them were so genuinely life-altering that they changed me as a person. my uncle and then my dad.#i still dont know who i am now. i feel so lost. i look out at the piles of boxes of my dad's stuff and i feel so overwhelmed.#im supposed to go through them. i havent touched them in months. i dont know how to even begin.#and so i try my best to keep up with my cleaning and my schoolwork. it's about all that i can manage

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phagodyke · 9 months ago

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everyone say thank u to my roommate for going to visit her parents this weekend so I can jack it loud and nasty 🙏

#i love her but there are some benefits to having the flat to myself.... love getting to wander around in just my boxers + a tshirt too #things i could do while she was still here if i wasnt a pussy 🙄#jk itd just make her uncomfortable and im too respectful for that #having a lowkey crush on her is an endless comedy to me bc we would be so woefully incompatible romantically #and also sexually.. historically ive only ever stone topped bc ive never been comfortable enough w anyone to let them fuck me #despite very much Not being stone or exclusively a top. and i think shes some form of sex repulsed anyway so like. sits there dead silence #and also shes so in love with her other friends and i showed up late to that party.... ive been feeling kinda guilty lately bc ik-#she misses them a lot and wishes we'd be able to stay roommates w them too. and im a pretty poor replacement for them tbh #and i love spending time with her but whenever i do i feel kinda painfully aware im not them like i could never fill that space #and asking to hang out more with her always feels like im taking away from time she could be talking to them. or even being alone ik she-#likes her own company and i get that a lot too so its chill but ahh.. man #i dont mean this in a bitter or jealous way at all like theyre all such sweet ppl i couldnt ever hold it against them #theyre kind of a 3 headed cerberus type situation and im like. the stray puppy they found on the side of the road #theres nothing they can do differently i was just born to be alienated from other ppl forever until i die. and someday i hope ill-#finally get used to it and accept i wont ever feel like im enough for anyone else or feel like anything else is enough for me #old wounds healed over 5082 times that still hurt to touch but i cant help pressing my fingers into them anyway bc its a familiar pain etc #anyway lost where i was going with this its just been on my mind again recently. i hate to be pitied i hate to feel like im only included-#bc they didnt want me to feel left out i hate feeling like a shoddy secondhand stand-in and its been a lot of that lately #also been a little annoyed bc sometimes it feels like shes trying to micromanage my social life and girl. we're not close enough for that #im sure its well intentioned but im not part of what they have going on i cant compete in that ring so dont try to push me into it..#ahhh. its all ok tho one of the guys is coming to visit next month which will be rly fun but ill try to give them some space too #its good at least im doing this processing now bc group situations can be spike traps of triggers for me sometimes #regardless of how good friends i am w ppl and ive already had a wobble a few weeks ago w how i cope and i dont want it to become a #fully fledged regular issue again bc its so hard to crawl back out of that pit. anyway losing coherence here im gonna stop rambling #and go make myself an early dinner and then back to drawing........#sorry for long tags if ur reading this blows u a kiss but go find a better use of ur time girl!!#.diaries

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timeisacephalopod · 1 year ago

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Lol out of curiosity I looked up my old job on Indeed and yes they ARE urgently hiring for the position and if I didn't get treated like dog shit for expecting a stress free work environment with reasonable expectations and not wildly cunty management who seemed to be under the impression they were doing THE most important job at THE most important store ever maybe I wouldn't have just not shown up one day 🤷🏻‍♀️ asshole thing to do to my poor coworkers but I didn't even have the energy to quit right after spending a month and a half feeling deeply surveilled at every aspect of my job lest I get another frivolous writeup no one else got for doing their jobs worse than me so fine. You want me gone enough to threaten my livelihood and SHRUG when I point out I have rent to pay, fine, but I wouldn't put up with that behavior from anyone in my life generally and I LIKE those people so my JOB pulling bullshit? Oh hell no, if I wouldn't take it from people I CHOOSE to be around on purpose I ain't taking shit from a fucking JOB. I refuse to be in a work environment that's unaware it's a GROCERY STORE, not a 5 star establishment frequented exclusively by world leaders or some shit. Like Sam, my job is cooking food at a fucking sobeys and you're acting as if I'm disarming bombs it's so important get reasonable priorities and standards for employees and then apply them equally to managers and not EXCLUSIVELY minimum wage staff 🙄

Which is funny because my new job everyone seems surprised with how fast I've caught on to stuff down to a coworker yesterday telling me he thought I worked in a shoppers prior to the pharmacy I'm in because Im catching on so quick. This isn't unusual for me either, some time in the last five or so years I've found every workplace I'm at I end up being heavily relied on because I'm good at my job, so fucking sucks to suck for sobeys because it took me some week or so to be consistently praised for being better at the job than the guy I replaced only for them to throw that out because they think management should be able to do whatever the fuck they want while they shove minimum wage staff under a fucking microscope to ensure they're doing their shit right and even that isn't consistent. They punished me exclusively because I did not lay down to be treated as a door mat and dished the treatment I got handed. If you treat me like shit I WILL treat you the way you treat me, no worse, and sometimes a little better because I don't lose my moral standards in that treatment either. Just because I'm being an ass doesn't mean I'm willing to do whatever the fuck, just enough to ensure that the person who's decided I'm their new plaything knows that'll be going both ways so fuck off. I've never had a job so willing to keep on shit management they had at LEAST a dozen meetings with regarding performance and I was the one who got punished for being frustrated about that. But I will take a new significantly less stressful job 🙌🏻

#winters ramblings #anyway theyre “urgently hiring” and if they listened when the fuck i told them i was so stressed i was clenching my fists #so hard in my sleep my hands would be DEAD STIFF and locked in place in the morning and required me to carefully massage them #and exercise the muscles and even then my hands still hurt. i told them ive been throwing up from stress AND i told them i was job hunting #because this was all bullshit. they KNEW where i was at and they should have listened but they didnt so fine #fuck me around 17 ways to sunday teo can play at that game and i didnt come here to be involved in a game at all #but force me onto that fucking biard then dont get mad when i flip it and walk away #im a grown assed adult i have no patience for workplaces that don't understand youre not a fucking slave #and the workplace isnt something Extremely Important And Special its a cucking GROCERY STORE and i wasnt even workinh #one if the jobs that DOES absolutely make a grocery store necessary i made fucking hot food everyone treated as Top Notch Shit #when ut was frozen boxed chicken strips and ut us INSULTING to me to teach me HOW to cook fucking BOXED FOOD #and NO i did bot take that “”“too personally”“' while they were trying to ”improve“ store standards #its fucking BOXED CHICKEN STRIPS guys why the fuck are we treating it like ROCKET SCIENCE??!?#i dont actually think its unreasonable to be angry your manager cannot even trust you to make food from a fucking BOX #without a chef coming in and treating you like some kind of idiot whohas never made a food in my LIFE despite #me cooking a lot more complicated shit at home on a regular basis. give me a fucking BREAK acting as if #it was StOrE sTaNdArD changes or whatever do YOU nit understand boxed food isnt HARD to make or do you need that explained #to you?? like i take shit too personally no YOU have unreasonable standards for EXCLUSIVELY your lowest wage staff #and im NOT bring held to a higher working standard than MANAGEMENT

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gaystardykeco · 1 year ago

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not ready to go back to work tomorrow but luckily im so not ready that my brain isn't letting it fully process and so im just kind of numb except for little moments when the panic breaks through again

#feeling more and more like a robot and less and less like a person the emptier my life gets #the future is so empty like its just work and isolation forever #i have one thing left at the end of this week and then after that its just work and family and alone #and i think numbing out completely is really the only way ill be able to cope at all #i didnt used to really be able to do that but maybe now im to the point where i just have to so its become an option #idk i also might just be lying to myself and be about to get hit really hard with how bad this all is tomorrow #job interview friday. but plausibly i dont think i can take the job even if i get it bc i just dont think i can move to nyc #i just feel like ive hit a dead end #like i was a side character in someone elses story and that person has moved on so im just like floating in stasis #bc my part of the story is over i wrote myself out of their lives so i don't really exist anymore #idk my brain is telling me all these things that i know are silly but feel so true and i just am tired and empty #sorry to be dramatic and complain again just dreading work so bad #i just dont see any path forward thats not this forever loop like i cant make or have real connections with other ppl #and thats whats supposed to make a life real and worth living #but ive never had the capacity to connect right and ive never had passion for anything and ive never been able to really love and be loved #and i dont know how to fix any of it bc honestly i dont think any of its fixable #ill always be an emotionally harmful drain on anyone i think i love and ill always be left when they realize that #and then ive just hurt another person and i dont want to be a person that just hurts people so i cant be around people anymore #but its so empty and its so lonely and i hate myself so fucking much #anyway. i sound like a pathetic whiny teenager lmao sorry i know how stupid it all is i promise

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healingheartdogs · 1 year ago

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I'll tell ya what though, nothing makes you want to get out of dog stuff for a while quite like your childhood dog passing traumatically in your arms

#ive barely been a person since Banana died #his life and his death both haunt me daily #every time im in bed cuddling with Hermes i cry about it #wanting to do better for your current and future pets does jack all for the dead #i wanted to at least give him a good last day but i couldnt even do that #training with Hermes and Eevee fills me with grief and guilt and often launches me into flashbacks of his death #ive been so burned out and sick since we moved and covid ruined my health even more #and now trying to get better and get back into working with my dogs regularly without him... it feels wrong #better late than never doesnt apply when death is involved #death #animal death #tw death #tw animal death #early morning sad hours ig #i gave myself flashbacks again and this is me trying to intellectualize my way out of my emotional response

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sammygender · 2 years ago

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things no one tells you abt growing up number one: you start to get inexplicably mad at your dad all the time

#have literally never really experienced this before this year i just accepted him as Like That #i would’ve always classed myself as a mommy issues kinda guy even though i don’t really think i have Parental Issues so much as i just have #Issues. but at some point you realise the reason you have more negative memories about your mother is because your mother was actually THERE #not even in a blaming him way. he just had to work a lot and late hours when i was a kid #but still at some point you see the way he whines about doing things your mom does 24/7 and how entitled and easily enraged he is #and it annoys me because holy shit i’m like that. did i get that from you? the way i can be so snappy and aggressive and entitled?#Augh. it boils down to the fact that my (mildly transphobic/gender crit) parents know i am transgender #and my mom - while still not really supporting it whatsoever - has been Nice about it (though ive made it very very easy for her to be) and #calls me a gender neutral shortened version of my dead name (though still misgenders me cause. sure ok. ugh)#my dad doesn’t even make an effort 90% of the time and it just makes me so fucking angry #you can be transphobic that’s fine my mom is but it doesn’t hurt you one fucking bit to change the way you address me a tiny bit #ur literally the ONLY person in my life still using my deadname #oliver talks

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