#IVE BEEN TRYING NOT TO CRY ALL DAY

[pfungu]

Today has been rough... I hope you are all taking care of yourselves and making sure that you're okay.

[shorthaltsjester]

the mighty nein - critical role

this is a place where i don't feel alone. this is a place where i feel at home.

[nabaath-areng]

not ffxiv but look at my hello kitty island adventure character

[speedlimit15]

i am really excited to see my family for a camping trip this long weekend. i am really not excited to inevitably get into an angry stalemate over palestine with at least one of my family members

[opikiquu]

.Aventurine. Aventurine. Boy wh y

[lightbulb-warning]

so has anyone figured out WHY there is the Need To Share our Artworks™ or is it just the vibes and our Soul apparently

[skunkes]

the bad: i have been raised without much warmth from my parents in childhood, but also pressured to conform to familial authority, doubt myself always, and value familial connections above all else (<- failed at this, and feel guilt about it.)

but also in experiencing this i have been so isolated from the entire rest of the world and others, that it will be nearly impossible to create my own "family" -> find safety and comfort in anybody else once my family is Gone. despite dis i find it really difficult to break away from the familiar, disobey and disappoint, because, well, why are my wishes more important than anybody else's. why would I cause upset and distress in anybody, and exert so much effort into my doubt filled half decisions, for my meaningless little Wishes. being away would also mean less time with these people who I'll never see again once they're gone. being raised this way is definitely paying off for those who did so.

the good: yaaaay adjacent inspiration for writing talon lore

[thebirdandhersong]

Lol

[spaghett-onaplate]

depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed

[wistoreal]

[downsteepy]

🍉

[ladyohdeath]

rant incoming under the cut, because i don't have a diary or a therapist and i don't know how to open up to people irl.

i am really struggling with going back to work because it feels, irrationally, like failure.

when i started film school -- over 10 years ago now -- i had so many chances. i had so much work i was ready to do, and i was down in the city, i was ready to move forward. but i was scared. i didn't move out of my mom's house because i let her hold on me get tighter. i let her rely on me. i got a full time job to pay her bills and to try and fund my dreams. i fell into the worst mental and physical health i've ever been in. for the next ten years, i worked every single day, and in 2020 i got diagnosed with pcos and other illnesses that made me so sick.

this year i got really bad. my job got so bad that i almost had a heart attack, i had to be rushed to the hospital. i was fainting almost every day from stress. my mental health was so bad that i would have a meltdown every day. it was so goddamn bad. and throughout all of that, my career was totally gone. i didn't have anymore connections. i stopped going on film sets. i became forgotten

then i got laid off, and i thought to myself, this is my chance. i can write, i can get to work, i can try and get back in. but god i have spent the past 9 months trying to deal with myself again. trying to figure out how to be alive. trying to catch up on a decade of burn out and letting my body recover.

and i've been writing yeah but nothing is fully complete. i haven't had the chance, the skill, nor the money to pursue the mentorships i wanted to pursue. now it's november, my unemployment is about to run out, and i got a job interview at a job that'll pay well, but i feel myself failing

my biggest fear in life is working a 9-5, becoming like my mother, and working for no money, having kids and dying without being happy. i don't have a college degree because i went to film school. i put all my cards into film and then i stopped doing it. every time i take a new 9-5 job i feel myself falling into my biggest fears. i don't want that for my life. but i feel like i'm in a rut and can't get out

all i can do now is continue to write, work for money, and attend as many networking things as i can on the side. maybe, if i'm lucky, 2025 is my year and i will finally get back on set. maybe i can do it. breaking into this industry is not easy, especially not after a ten year break. and i know it'll be ten times harder to do it with a 9-5 job but... i have no choice. i have to pay the bills

idk. i'm just disheartened. and i have so many regrets in life already and i'm not even 30 yet. i wish i could go back in time and tell younger me to take risks, to leave home, to chase my dreams and not fall victim to my mental health. but i never did and now i'm going to have to fucking claw my way back like a feral cat. and i don't know if my claws are sharp enough anymore.

[faaun]

procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally

[bogkeep]

it's been over a whole month since i had a stupid argument with my parents about driving, a skill that i legally possess but hate doing because i have a special brain illness that makes me fear death and injury, but i'm still chewing over an absurd claim that it's "equally dangerous to go on a 14 hour train ride like you just did". literally how is that more dangerous. in what way. in what world. public transport is nice and good and i like it and i don't have to enter my personal torment nexus

[clits-and-clips]

Since writing the affirmations and starting manifestation again, I've actually been in a much better headspace. It's crazy how things align, and you end up where you need to be, especially through pain

[foreverxdaydreaming]

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