it started w a wrist
triggers: slight language??
also excuse this i wrote it at like 2:00 am and ive been periodically adding to it during the day
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he cheated. how could i have known you would cheat?
well, if i said i never thought you could possibly be trouble i would be lying.
it was a loud, raucous Friday night at the local bar when I first saw you. I went there almost every weekend, trying to drink away my feeling, my worries, my fears. the red strobe lights illuminated your tangled mess of dirty blonde curls. we were sitting to the side on an uncomfortable looking plastic stool, the kind you have to peel off of your thighs on a hot summer afternoon. who was he watching? a girlfriend? god, i hope not, i thought. i bit my lip as i saw you taking a hair tie off of your delicate, bird-like wrist, a completely unique wrist that was the only one of its kind in its utter perfection. i think it was that moment that i realized that you would break my heart one day. it was but a matter of time, my love. my life. my death.
fast forward a few weeks. i took you on crazy, stupid adventures, and you muttered statistics in between passionate, heated kisses about how there are less germs on the face than the hands, so it’s safer to kiss than shake hands. of course it was probably just an excuse to kiss again. you were always good at words. you created a piece of art with every sentence, weaved a tapestry with each letter, each word being a thread of its own kaleidoscopic color. and when you finally said those three words? it was Michelangelo and the Sistine chapel.
we were idiotic, we were wild, we were living off of the unadulterated drug called happiness. we saw everything through the rose tinted tones of our youth, never imagining that we would have to grow up eventually. but for that year, we were stuck in our own private neverland, perpetually living the same twisted version of adolescence and adulthood.
I waited, desperately, for someone to give a damn. for our parents, or our friends, to even give a shit that we had no sense of real life. To tell me to finish getting my masters degree, or let that genius boyfriend of yours get you a job. our fluffy cloud of naïveté was soon becoming a furious, storming gray. so he fell. a big fat plop on the earth. he got a job. and not only a job, a job at the FBI where he travelled constantly.
at first i was proud of my one true love. yes, I took ownership of everything that he had become. wasn’t it me who taught him how not to be afraid? to not hide from the bruises and scars on his back, and share his utter hurt and pain with someone?
everything was fine at first. until his deep set eyes became sunken with stress, and bloodshot with exhaustion. those beautiful eyes that i spotted across the room and fell in love with. a swirl of amber and melted chocolate, drip drip drizzling on my taste buds, and the smell of fresh baked cookies, the sound of a clicking keyboard. now bitter cacao, burnt, smoking embers, the screech of the smoke detector that always seemed to go off at the exact wrong time. this exact moment, when he got of that goddamned jet for the 8th time, was the moment we broke. but like a broken glass that a child hastily tries to glue together, we tried to fix it. like the spiderweb cracks, it didn’t work. why I’m the hell did i think it would work?
that’s when the fights started. huge screaming matches, waking up everyone in the near vicinity of us. i smelled her perfume. lavender, rosemary, smells that disgusted me to the core. i’ve been allergic since i was 12. i dismissed it. said that maybe you were consoling a crying woman, who just lost her husband or her cousin or her daughter or her brother. but that was the problem. i was still stuck in the cloud of naïveté. every time you came home, i thought it would be different. that you would say “how are you honey” while i cooked a delicious meatloaf, as our two twin boys kicked a soccer ball around. “don’t play in the house” i would have said. now i’m stuck in a choking cocoon of loneliness and despair and i can’t get out. no matter how hard i try or struggle, i can’t breathe, and no one can hear a sound.
I remember the calm before the storm, the yellow sky in the eye of the incoming hurricane. We had just moved into our apartment, an utterly inexpensive, tiny, cramped room in the bad side of town. But none of that mattered, i thought. The only thing that mattered was that we were together, united to take on the world and all of the murderers, rapists, and kidnappers that it would throw at us, or our relationship. Our hairstyles were both messy buns, as we laughed, and threw empty boxes at each other, and we revelled in the reverie of innocence and cluelessness of our young adulthood. We bought our first furniture, and yelled, and giggled at Ikea. and we jumped on our mattresses to break it in. our stomachs hurt from laughing, we both twisted our ankles at least three times, but we were completely and utterly drunk on the potent poison of carelessness.
Remember when we fought about the photos? Or did you forget them, just like you forgot how to love me? The photos, which under a glossy facade of perfection showed crimson liquid dripping, staining her blue face and everything pure and happy? That was one of your biggest fights. How did he look at that all damn day? That horrific display of how truly evil human nature can be, and what we can actually do to each other? That night, i had to change something in myself to survive. Or maybe it was always there, and it subtly revealed itself, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I looked over my shoulder in grocery store parking lots, and i learned how to walk backwards up a stairwell. Who knows? Maybe that genial, stout looking middle aged man was a psychopath that would slit my throat, or sew my mouth shut. Maybe i would feel the burn and hiss of hydrochloric acid on my pale arms, while i syared in the crystal grey eyes of a blond haired, beautifully sadistic woman. I was never safe, except when i was in your comforting embrace. But i was never in your arms.
That embrace. It could make me escape our neverland, with broken glass littering the white sand beaches and crimson colored water. The blood-thirsty mermaids and pirates that we ran away from every day. I forgot everything about you that was broken, or toxic, or told me that you were nothing. A sweet nothing nevertheless, an inkling of a dangerous thought. A bad idea. No, the worst idea. You rested your head on mine and i could hear you breathing, and i thought i could hear your thoughts and mine embracing as well, intermingling to create our own blithe, amaranthine idea of affection, and beauty, and joy. We were the definition of forever.
then there it was. the fight to end all fights. the bleak thread of our still surviving relationship was snipped in half. you got a text from “maeve”. some joke about physics or some obscure chemistry. i screamed. but then i cried. cried for the hazy innocence of our youth. when did we lose it? during our angry shrieks, or the ringing echoes after? i cried for your eyes. goddamn those eyes were gorgeous. what i’d give to go back to your apartment and retrieve that faded, lipstick-smudged Polaroid of me kissing you in front of the Mona Lisa, thinking that we were a more a piece of art than some half smiling old crone could ever be. it’s in the top drawer of the dresser in the library, where i kept my stacks of memories. But it’s too late. There’s no going back now. Not ever.
I screamed. I planned to meticulously exact my revenge, and you would come back, and we would once again be in our unctuously sweet bubble of innocuous, ignorant love. but most of all? i cried your name. it was the tap tap tap of the rain on our apartment complex’s cheap tin roof. it was the smell of the pei wei chicken lo mein we would eat during our chess games, or while we were watching doctor who (always your favorite). it was your wrist, your wrist that i fell in love with before i fell in pure, unmitigated love with the rest of you.
“Spencer Alexander Reid.”
“spencer alexander reid”
spencer
alexander
reid
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"Paintings and Melodies" — SEVENTEEN Jun
Authors Note: I am supposed to be Jai, so the two fears mentioned are my worst and only fears in this world. Anywho, enjoy. Word Count: 3640 Genre: Smut, angst, just overall weird
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I looked out of the window at the nighttime sky. I always loved the stars, how they calmed me. How I felt peaceful, the constant screaming in my head reduced to a soft whisper. The color, not black but darker than navy blue, covered in white stars like sugar spilled onto a countertop. I smiled, feeling the breeze. I would stay here forever. One day, I’ll be buried under these stars. One day, I’ll be gone from this earth, leaving everyone I love behind. One day, my voice will be snuffed out as everyone realizes that I’ve left them.
I felt the wind go through my hair, gently tossing it behind me. The rain had soaked through my hair, and my back was freezing in the cold air that was blowing in my direction. I bit my lip, the wind blanketing my body in its cold, lifeless embrace. I closed my eyes against the breeze, then opened them to the feeling of falling.
I’ve always been afraid of falling.
I looked off of the balcony of the apartment building, grabbing onto the guardrail. The breeze stopped, and so did my heart. Everything just stopped. My flowing dress fell and so did my stomach, along with my hair going back to cascading down my shoulders. I looked away from the edge, sitting on the hard concrete floor of the balcony that I was standing upon. I closed my eyes again, feeling an ice cold tear run down my even colder cheek. If I even have blood anymore, I wouldn’t know. Everything just feels like ice. I have been out so long since it rained. I’m soaking wet, I was soaking this whole time. The wind, no longer a gentle breeze, but a rough storm. The rain coming back, harder than it had prior. It’ll be a long night out here, but I’ll stay out until I no longer feel alone.
But I was always alone, nobody was ever going to come for me.
I have a fear of falling. But that’s only minor in comparison to my worst fear. And I’m deathly afraid of falling— Funny, that you can die from falling. I’m only afraid of falling because of how beautiful everything becomes when you fall. When you fall, the world becomes a blur of colors and sounds, with the soft backdrop of the wind making falling into a beautiful—yet deadly—harmony. Falling feels like a strong breeze encasing you, except it’s no longer lifeless. It’s alive, but dies once you hit the ground. Because once the breeze stops, it’s silent. Not an animal, no bug, no human makes a sound once a strong breeze ends.
That’s the same with falling. Except instead of the world around you being silent, it’s your heart. Your heart doesn’t beat, no thoughts come into your head for a second once you hit the ground. But a few seconds after, you ask yourself— Am I still alive?
Nobody truly knows. But Ive fallen before. Not nearly in the way I described, but I fell in love. It’s not that far from literally falling, you feel the same thing. Instead of a blur of colors, it’s a painting of emotions. The harmonious deathlike melody becomes that of a bird’s song. But you never hit the ground, you simply remain in this form of torture, floating.
The tears raced down my cheeks as though they were in a competitive match, trying to see which could get to the bottom first. The sobs that left my mouth ruined the harmony in the air, the silence after the crash being broken. Have I truly hit the ground, or will I never hit the ground? Whenever I touch him, It’s as though I experience everything happy in my life. It’s as though I am reliving the feeling of going through that air again. The colors are dull, the song is not a melody.
I’m alone. And that is my worst fear, the hurricane of my thoughts. The feeling of alone was no longer ice piercing my heart, but a burning sensation. In an icy heart, one cannot make any noise. But in this fiery cold piercing my heart, I was screaming. The silence of this night was an icy storm, piercing through my body. But this feeling of loneliness was so hot that it was cold. It hurt more than this frost could ever do, all because of one person.
It’s been months since I’ve seen him, weeks since we’ve spoken. The warming feel of his touch leaving every day, the honey of his voice fading from my mind. I could no longer hear his voice saying that he loves me, I could no longer feel his breath on my neck as he left tender kisses of love. Every place his lips have ever touched froze first, and now the rest of my body has frozen. But not my heart, because that’s where the loneliness began. The icy fire of loneliness as I realized that he may not be coming back.
Where are you.
My silent scream sounded to me as a cry of a wounded dog, or a dying animal. And who knows, I might be.
Suddenly, all I felt was warmth. All I could feel was the feeling of warm arms wrapping around the block of ice that was the fragile body my soul kept. The warmth of his body touching mine began to thaw at the ice, as if arms came and started to rip at the frostiness, pulling it apart to reveal by body underneath. The ice of loneliness in my body slowly replaced itself with blood as it melted, leaving my eyes. The tears on my cheeks became warm. His lips made flowers in my body start to bloom again after being closed from his absence, the rain no longer feeling as cold.
His soft lips pressed against mine, and I tasted the salty water of the rain in between our lips. He pulled away from my lips, but his hands never left my back. His arms never stopped holding me close to him. His voice, whispering my name as if it was a prayer, but then he left. I felt empty again, and I opened my eyes. He stood in front of me, glaring at my body. Staring into my eyes as though he’d understand my pain once he looked long enough.
“Why are you crying?” He whispered, but to me it didn’t sound like a whisper. It sounded like a scream, a plead for an answer. A wish that could never be granted.
“Junhui…” I sobbed, lifting my arm to reach for him but pulling it back. I looked down, at the soaking black dress I wore, that resembled the night sky I had been looking at before. The soft whisper in my head returned to a scream, piercing through my body. Being under his stare again, he was going to hurt me. I looked up at him, but only with my eyes. His arm was raised, the sound of his palm colliding with my cheek rang out against the silent night that he created.
Now, my entire attention was focused on him. The screaming stopped. The raining stopped. The melody is no longer playing. It’s just him, in his shock. I lifted my hand to my cheek, pulling it back to see blood. Blood the color of my emotion, passionate and entranced. The color I see when he touches me, the color of the flowers he gets me constantly. But no, this color is angry. This color wants to hate me, to only hurt me.
“Baby… I’m so sorry. Jai, forgive me. It was an accident.” He said, going to me and grabbing my wrists. I looked at his eyes, the large brown orbs that held my heart in its deep warmth. But, even in the time he’s been gone and the arms length he is from me, I’ve never felt more alone.
“Why…” I whispered, my soft voice trailing off as if it was a cloud and there was wind. Maybe I hadn’t spoken at all, and I was just in a lucid dream. But somehow, feeling the blood trickle down my cheek in it’s cracking intricacy made me know that it was real, that I was not dreaming. I couldn’t feel anything, but then I felt heavy. Like my legs could no longer support my weight, and my world was collapsing under my very fingertips. I only saw black, I only heard silence. But I can feel the concrete underneath my fingertips, I can feel the cold of the rain once again piercing through the warmth he gave me just moments ago. The loneliness of this darkness and silence once again piercing through my heart, my silence of my loudest scream piercing the silence.
“Jai!” He breathed, his arms wrapping around me. His hand, caressing my back; His arms, holding me tightly as if I were to fly away. In this floating, I might. I felt my body becoming weightless, nothing touching my fragile skin except for his arms. My arm dangling down, as if I was a dead body; a dead, soulless, lost body.
The warmth of the couch by the fireplace welcomed me. I opened my eyes, my skin feeling cold in contrast to the warmth. Can he feel the cold? Or is it just my imagination running wild— Could his being here be a figment of my ever-growing imagination, could today just be a lucid dream?
He slowly undid my dress, his strong, calloused hands touching my back tenderly. These were the hands that just hurt me, but I couldn’t stand to be angry. His hands touching me were a baby pastel color, the song mimicking that of a piano. Anger is a deep red, the song a loud drum. The colors don’t mix, the song isn’t a harmony. The moment, however small, would be ruined by my anger if it came out.
The cold, black, lifeless dress slipped off of my icy body, my eyes snapping open as if to bring me to life. I looked into the love of his eyes, then felt his arms around my bare body. His short hair tickled my jaw, the tip of his perfect nose grazing along my neck. His hands were gripped around my arms, pressing my body against the couch.
“You’re soaking wet. You shouldn’t have been outside, Jai.” He said, his voice with the sound of watery anger. It wasn’t smooth anymore, cracking with his coming anger and his tears that I heard flowing down his face.
“You were gone for so long. I couldn’t hear your voice anymore, I couldn’t remember it. I couldn’t feel your touch anymore, it was just gone.” I said. His lips pressed against mine, but gently. His hands became gentler, before I realized that his body was on top of mine. He doesn’t care for my body, as he’s said many times. He cares for me, as crazy as that can sound at times. But he does, and I love him. My love for him sounds like a soft piano, his love for me makes the song of a violin. A perfect harmony.
The icy loneliness of my worst fear in my body slowly went away with every passing second our lips were touching, every flower blossoming, every inch feeling alive again. He left my lips, but the feeling stayed as we looked at each other. His perfectly shaped eyes looking into mine, the shape of soft chocolates. His perfect lips curving into a smile. The warmth of the fire not even comparing to the heat inside of my body, that was caused by his perfect touch.
His hands traced along my sides, that were now revealed since he removed the cold dress. Can he feel the heat, or is he just touching me to touch me? His hands weren’t making sexual advances, although they were running along my thighs and stomach— no, this touch, as soft as a feather, was him just feeling me. He wasn’t doing anything more than feeling my body underneath his fingertips. His touch was the sound of plucking violin strings, soft and slight. Nothing too loud, but just subtle enough to leave a mark.
I heard the softest clang of metal falling on the ground, muffled by the sound of heavy cloth doing the same. I heard another sound of cloth touching the ground, and then a soft kiss planted upon my sensitive neck, doing nothing but stimulating my nerves. There was no longer music playing; there was only the sound of our breathing and him kissing my neck, the sound of my moans as he bit down. His lips left open mouthed kisses, however small. He left my neck, his beautiful hands and muscular arms going behind my back.
“Baby, come with me.” He said, standing up. I looked at his toned abs, his perfectly messy hair, his perfect body. I looked down at my exposed chest, covering myself from his piercing glare. I felt his body against mine once again, removing my arms and legs from my chest. His hands grazed along my sides once again. This time, I let out the smallest of moans— a small interference in the silence, a tiny bit of music. I felt an enormous amount of buildup in my lower abdomen, almost as if I would orgasm here and now. And he was only touching me, his hands weren’t even being sexual. But his strong gaze was, his gaze was screaming that he needed this.
He lifted me, the weightless feeling returning yet again. He brought me to my room, laying me on the soft bed. His hands pinning mine to the bed, his undeniable force coming out. He was letting his beast out, which he’s only done in front of me. He’s only done these dirty things to me, his girlfriend. Who even knows if he loves me for my odd personality, the one that describes words and touch as colors and music. Or if he loves me for my body, the curves he traces his hands over? The places his hands have touched, but the words that he’ll refuse to say, who knows if he loves me still.
His cushion lips touched every inch of my porcelain skin, his fingers hooking on my panties before pulling them down. The initial cold air shocked me, causing me to shiver. But his hand soon replaced the cold air, rubbing onto my sensitive spots, pressing onto my lower abdomen. He makes me moan, the sounds eliciting from my mouth erotic and loud. His lips soon replaced his finger, his warm tongue sliding in and out of me. I couldn’t help but let the sounds come out, before my back arched, pushing my wetness towards his face.
I covered my mouth as a louder moan escaped my lips. My juices went onto his face, and I gazed at him. He had a smirk on his face, licking whatever was on his lips off of it. He then jumped towards me, his hand covering my eyes. His hand was replaced with a cloth after a few seconds, and cold metal touched my wrists. Is he going to leave me here, a mess? Or will our bodies paint tonight a passionate purple, a passionate and deep red.
“Baby, you’re so beautiful.” He whispered.
And yet he can only say that when I’m naked, when my fragile skin and fragile body is under his gaze, under his control. He can never call me beautiful when I’m clothed, only when my body is on display for him.
The question truly becomes one of true love. If true love is what I feel towards him, my love for him becoming constant words, constant love. But his version of love is a flat note, sometimes it’s good but other times it’s bad.
His hands touched my breasts, squeezing the softness. His hard erection poking my inner thigh, leaving me a moaning mess. Our erotic scene that of a painting, that of a passionate palette. His hands grabbed onto my hands, as if they’d be left behind if he had gone. If he had left me as he did so many months ago.
He slowly filled my body, our erotic sounds becoming a song. His cold thighs came in contact with mine, and then again and again. He rocked inside of me, his hands running over my stomach.
“You’re my masterpiece, you’re my canvas. I’ve seen you in a bare minimum and when fully painted, and I still see no flaws. I paint over your pale skin in my mind, imagining all these colors. Colors that you’ve painted in love letters, colors that we’ve seen. I’ve heard the songs of your fears, I’ve heard the songs of your joys. So baby, tonight let’s create our masterpiece. Tonight, let me make love to you as I always wanted.” He breathed into my ear, my senses enlightened. “I know how lonely you’ve felt. I believed you hated me, as I’ve left you for months with no contact. I regret never saying the words ‘I love you,’ but let me show you that I do.”
I nodded, moaning yet again as he rolled his hips. The colors became more vibrant, the song hitting a crescendo. He touched my sides once again, his hands adding more splashes of color, more warmth.
“Junhui…” I breathed, my voice airy. His songs of erotica echoed out into our silent night, alone in our bedroom. My arms stayed above my head, as he held them there with his strong arms. I felt the all-too familiar buildup in my stomach, feeling nothing but ecstasy as he made love to me. I felt nothing but pleasure, his body doing things to me that never in my wildest dreams, in these wild paintings of my mind, could he do something of this sort.
“Jai… fuck, baby. I’m close.” His beautiful voice rang out in the night, his movements becoming sloppier. The song is nearly finished, the painter putting his finishing touches on the work of art he had created.
I let out yet another moan as he finished, the last stroke of his paintbrush coming out. He uncuffed my arms, letting my hands go back to traveling his body. He continued, after having just finished his paintwork, waiting for the singer to finish her decrescendo into silence. Once I finished, he exited my body. His body was laid next to me, his fingers tenderly removing the cloth that covered my eyes.
When I looked at him, I noticed a dull color on him. I looked at our bodies, they were dull. The chords clashed, not sounding good at all. His hand caressed my cheek, as if just to touch my skin. Next to him, on this bed, I’ve never had a more natural moment than when his lips connected with mine. Not even the notes of music that came easily to me or the colors I always thought of compared to this. His lips touched mine, and the song continued for its epic finale. The painting was completely finished, and the dull colors of our bodies became vibrant ones of a flower. His hand went to my sides, touching as if to never let go. His tongue explored every crevice of my mouth, our bodies pressed together once again.
I was red again, a passionate and deep color. But this wasn’t anger, but love. Love for Junhui, love for the man I dreamt of in his absence. My world was full of dull colors, but reuniting with him brought back bright yellows and reds and greens and oranges, the song becoming more than just a piano with more instruments, a sad melody becoming a happy tune; a dull ocean becoming a glistening sea.
His lips left mine, his voice replacing our sounds of love.
“I love you, I’ve always loved you. Please, forgive me for this absence. Being alone just isn’t your fear, it was how you lived. Though I was with people, I hope that you never have to deal with that again. I wish to bring you with me wherever I go, I wish for you to be my true love.”
“You held my heart in your hands, you could have broken it. But instead you decided to bring the pieces, shattered from loneliness, and offering to rebuild my broken heart. You will be my true love, for as long as I live. And, I will be yours. I will be your love until the end of time, until our colors and songs become nothing but a background melody.” I whispered against his soft lips.
We met again in a less passionate kiss, but it was short. He pulled away, his arms wrapping around me.
“I missed you. I pray to never leave your side again, please forgive me.” He said softly. “I love you.”
The words he never spoke have been spoken. The feeling was welcomed into my heart, our colors becoming more vibrant. “I love you too, with forever in my vision and eternity in my heart.”
Before the warmth and comfort of sleep with him came to me, he said one last thing. One final word before the saga of tonight came to an end, the story reaching its final page, the song reaching its finale. His words gave me hope that he still loves me, that his love is true. As for my response of forever, his response solidified eternity.
“And Jai, you are the only thought I have. You are constantly are in my thoughts, I can’t get enough of you. No matter if we’re together for eternity, I’ll never show exactly how much I love you.”
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