#IM TURNING TO ALCOHOLISM
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AO3 IS FUCKIGN DOWN I CANR HANDLE THIS IM INSANE WE ARE ALL INSANE THERE IS A MADNESS INFECTING OUR ROTTING VESSELS AND THAT GOD DAMNED WEBSITE IS THE CURE
#ao3 status#killing myself#ao3#WHAT DO YOU MEAN ITS DOWN#AND WE DONT KNOW FOR HOW LONG#JM SLAMMING TABLES#IM SHITTING CORPSES#IM TURNING TO ALCOHOLISM#I CANG DO THIS
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thinking ab zane and kai's friendship fr fr,
how zane admires kai's strengths (and knowledge about people) and expresses it explicitly (straight up asking what certain things mean or why people are doing what they're doing) and he's completely genuine about it. like theres no pity or condescending nature towards it, zane just believes that the others on the team know more about life and people than he does. but kai would take that to heart more than the others.
his parents left without telling him why, he wasn't a very good blacksmith leaving nya's heavy lifting to provide for the both of them, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't become the green ninja. he was even the last of the core four to discover his true potential. kai has never been used to genuine praise. kai probably never truly thought that he was the best at something, or better than someone else. but when zane (a literal prodigal nindroid with a heart of gold) asks him for help and holds him at such a high regard? that hits HARD.
and zane, this assumedly perfect nindroid, never seeming to understand how to get people to like him, or how to understand the meaning behind peoples' words, and kai just understands all of that so effortlessly. and instead of being jealous, he just genuinely thinks 'wow, this guy's so smart!' ???
also the underlying idea of them both feeling responsible for everyone and judging themselves bc they feel like they should have prevented something bad from happening or at least taken the brunt of the attack to protect everyone else,, like ouch. the heavy-hitting guilt and grief, the fear of being the only one left in their family, THEY'RE SO AUGHHHH
#ninjago#ninjago zane#ninjago kai#ninjago fanart#maybe im reading too much into this#but like seriously#kai and zanes friendship is so underrated it hurts#the fact that kai probably feels guilty ab the ice emperor shenanigans as well bc he lost his powers#OUCH#dont u love it when ur friend dies and u turn to fight rings and alcohol to take ur anger out bc u cant deal w ur emotions and feel guilty#and then ppl call u SELFISH???#like no#my boy is crushed by the weight of grief and is trying to cope
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of the many injustices put forth toward the show by fans i think the most overall damaging and telling of a complete lack of critical viewership is the idea that sam riegel builds his characters with nothing more than the bit in mind. like you are only telling on yourself if you think characters like scanlan shorthalt and veth brennato are one-dimensional and depthless
#if im being exTREMEly generous i can maybe understand this view of scanlan if you started c1 and then gave up 30 episodes later#he played the long game with him more than any other and a lot of his growth could be looked at as shallow if you DIDNT watch til the payoff#but any time this opinion is used as a blanket over all of his characters including tary and even FCG.. like be serious#i mean at this point im definitely biased bc he is my favorite player at the table. However. that wasnt always the case#and even when i was myself writing some character choices off i NEVER applied that to the characters themselves. how can you??#seen sooo many ppl criticize him for making veth an alcoholic or scanlan irreverent & hedonistic as tho it’s only possible#to play these traits as shallow jokes or at best played out satire…. and then the same person will turn around#and praise how percy was built to be pompous & superior and jester immature & self-centered and caleb steeped in self-effacing hubris#why are these characters and their players given a near universal acceptance of nuance and acknowledgement of growth & healing#but SAMS CHARACTERS ARE NOT!!!!#this turned into such a rant but it bothers me SO much. everyone at the cr table is so goddamned talented#and takes the game as seriously as it deserves#so many more points i could argue but this is already so goddamn long no one is reading this far. i love sam and all of his characters <333#critical role#sam riegel#scanlan shorthalt#veth brennato#my posts
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So I finished this portrait a few days ago and even though I very much didn't like the pencils I used I think it came out pretty neat 🙂
#my art#derwent coloursoft#i tried giving them their best shot by using an alcohol marker base and odorless mineral spirits#but the grainy crayon look the pencils give was inevitable#and turns out they're very water soluble even though they're not supposed to be 😅#so i think all the colors got diluted when i sprayed it with a fixative#as an artist grade pencil i expected different#dont hate em im just disappointed#but on the bright side i think my first attempt at the blur effect was a success
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Life lately: skirts and leather jackets and burgundy nail varnish, evenings at the ballet, walking though bookstores and finally buying the Emily Wilson translation of the Iliad, and long evenings laughing with friends.
#so excited about the illiad!#started it last night but was still in the intro when I dozed off#tbh it’s long intro#a great one though#questwithambition#London#life#ballet#reading#books#booklr#the illiad#emily wilson#wine#alcohol#as I type this im trying not to lose it as the tube I rushed for just didn’t turn up so I’m waiting here#it’s fine#it’s just this one means my next connection is smooth and now I’ll have to do more waiting#i could have slept more!#anyway it’s sunny imma stand in the sun
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I made my post about Dean Highbottom and then as I was writing my tags realised that his Hunger Games counterpart is Haymitch. and now my head is in my hands and I don’t think I’ll ever recover
#IM GOING TO CRY. I am part of the system I never wanted anything to do with it#I killed so many people without laying a hand on them. I never ever asked for this. I tried to say no. my hands are still bloody.#both turned to drugs to cope. both had a mentee who reminded them of someone they hated so much#(snow reminded the dean of his old friend. katniss reminded haymitch of himself)#both knew exactly how the games worked and all of its consequences because one made it and the other lived it#both lived in the shadows of the past and never really got out from it#but in the end one of them chose to be cruel to the children who they were asked to mentor#and the other loved even when it was killing him#god. twenty three years and they never managed to drown the fire out of him. his heart broke again and again#but he held onto those shards even as they made his hands bleed. and then one day two children appeared and pieced it back together#and some of it was missing and always would be. you can’t undo twenty three years of alcoholism and pain and grief and self loathing#but a lot of it was still there. far more than he ever even believed could have survived#Haymitch I love youuuuuuuuu I will always love you#and Dean Highbottom you were kinda cringe and lame. guynobody ass bitch. do better#haymitch abernathy#dean highbottom#thg#the hunger games#a ballad of songbirds and snakes#abosas
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The Overflowing Heart
I will tell you how I made this witch’s token, but you will have to find a way of your own. It is as Grandmother Wren told us,
“Remember always that some portion of magic is yours to wield, and that the world contains many, many truths.”
the recipe:
3/4 oz Kazuki gin
1 1/2 oz. Sake + tea mixture
1 oz. fresh squeezed grapefruit
3/4 oz. Strega
shake over ice, and serve in your finest or favourite tea cup
garnish with dried rose petals
notes:
Sherringham Kazuki gin— a collaboration of one of my favourite distilleries and my favourite local tea shop, Westholme Tea Farm. Made from Japanese cherry blossoms, and locally grown tea leaves with notes of yuzu, grapefruit, and juniper. I first visited Sherringham in a trio of my own, on a day long adventure, visiting a beach someway up the island. Westholme is run by an old coworker of my Aunt’s, and his partner who makes gorgeous pottery. I could not put words to my excitement when I first heard whispers of their collaboration.
Sake + Tea Mixture— I can never fully recreate this just the same. There is magic in that, I think. I have little left. I made it by taking a sprinkling of the following teas from Westholme, and cold steeping them in a mason jar with a large ice cube, topped with sake and a splash of moon bathed witch water.
featuring:
Blossom: (jasmine green, floral), for the cottage’s calendar
Bi Luo Chun: (green, delicate and earthy), for i thought it was grown here, over seven long years (I rolled a nat 1 on my perception check)
Pur-eh: (fermented, earthy), for its mushroominess and it’s connection therin
Dog: (black assam, vanilla and cardamon, from the Chinese Zodic series), the cardamom pod and a few leaves, for our beloved Fox
Witch Water: the witch water used in this potion was bathed in the Friday, October 13th New Moon (a day so witchy I thought for sure the class would be released that day!) in an empty kazuki gin vessel
~
Grapefruit— because it was pink and in season and a citrus I love dearly
Strega— the witch liqueur! According to legend, Giuseppe Alberti was given the recipe for this elixir after saving a witch falling out of the sacred walnut tree, under which witches would convene to dance and perform their rituals.
for the cocktail chapter of the @worldsbeyondpod unofficial cookbook
#worlds beyond number#wbn unofficial cookbook#wbn#the wizard the witch and the wild one#ame the witch#grandmother wren#cw alcohol#styling inspired by artwork featured in the witch class playtest im pretty sure by Tucker Donovan#if this turns into a hit post play go play Wickedness and stream Ghost Quartet#how the fuck do i condense this recipe into a tweet who the fuck knows#feat. all of my magic witch’s tokens and my principles of green witchcraft book in the background#sometimes a witch character and a cocktail inspired by her is something that can be so personal#check out the Neat the Boozecast episode on Strega for all the cool witchy details and history!!!!
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some more favorite panels from Trigun:
Vash, Merryl, and Milly are all equally cunty as they are silly, especially Vash (like jesus fuck y'all seeing this shit, like we don't talk enough how fucking amazing of a gun slinger he is). He even somehow has time to apply eyeliner as he is running away from the cops, as philosopher RuPaul once said: "YOU BETTER WORK!"
#trigun#rabbit.text#trigun maximum#trigun spoilers#trigun manga#vash#vash the stampede#milly thompson#meryl stryfe#vash the humanoid typhoon#also additonal notes: It's so fucking funny to think about the fact that designer bags are still a thing in the holy year of 2300-2500#or whenever the fuck the story takes place BUT YEAH GIVE MY GIRL MERYL HER BAG!!! HER VALENTINO WHITE BAG!!!#also even though I am rereading the manga#im still absolutely FLOORED like I knew it was coming but it was just as big of a JAW DROPPING moment during Vash's big reveal (of many lol#as the first time literally hit just the same and I got just AS EMOTIONAL MAYBE EVEN MORE!!#God this shit might turn me into an alcoholic lmao#jk jk jk but jesus fuck idk if I will be able to handle Vol 10 💀
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INTERFACING - You let the empty bottle go. Upon contact with the ground it shatters into pieces that scatter, joining its intact brothers on the cold linoleum of your kitchen floor.
YOU - It'll hurt.
HALF LIGHT - Of course it will. Do not jump down from this countertop. You will cut yourself and bleed out through the soles of your feet.
INLAND EMPIRE - That's not what he meant.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - What then, the hangover?
PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - The shoulder?
VOLITION - The failure?
LOGIC - The resetting of the timer? Going back to day zero...
YOU - No.
ESPRIT DE CORPS - The idea of letting Kim know that he could not protect you from this. It rips a hole in your stomach for all to see.
YOU - But who else could I tell?
[VOLITION: Impossible] - Call Jean
[PAIN THRESHOLD: Challenging] - Call Kim
[ELECTROCHEMISTRY: Easy] - …
#disco elysium#harry du bois#the furies#alcohol abuse/alcoholism#ficlet#inspired by ''who do I tell/The idea of letting my mother know/she could not protect me from the world/#It makes me ill/So who do I tell'' that i wrote a while back but will never publish anyway so now im turning it into a DE ficlet#aka op recently reset a timer of their own and is taking it out on the poor fictional man theyre obsessed with dot jpeg
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r u the grew up poor never being able to buy the little things in life u always wanted as a kid so now u buy whatever little thing u want as an adult and struggle with saving for the big mandatory thing,
or the grew up poor never being able to buy the little things in life u always wanted as a kid so now u just never buy anything small bcs u had to learn to live without it and constantly try to save for the next big thing in 500 yrs
#everyones been asking what i wanted for my bday and i always say nothing#like i hate the feeling of getting somebody smthing just to get them smthing like personally#it needs to come from the heart for me. if it's for smthing big like a bday#now like getting someone a coffee judt to get them one on a random day is dif bcs it's just smthin random on a random day i can understand#but idk like as a kid into adulthood the only bday my relatives / guardians have ever celebrated was my adopted brother's n my dad's#the dad bcs hes a hyperconservative dictator lol n the older adopted bro is cus hes got higher needs#so everybody gets more money taking care of him n stuff so u gotta act like u care abt him according to the guardians#but like i never even knew bdays were that big to people. like i mean i know OTHER PEOPLES bdays are big to them#i find ppl who rlly love their bdays to be rlly cute. like i dont think theyre selfish or make fun of em cus theyre judt having fun#n like u only get one x yr bday so have fun with it!!#but for ME? my bday was never anything special n i dont think it is now#everybody feels bad or smthing for me or for not getting me nothing today but it's like?? this is the norm??? im cool with it#ive been thinking abt other stuff like i just dont have time to think abt the pleasures rn. i have to double on the pain or smthing#like my friends always laugh abt how i dont drink coffee/tea or alcohol bcs u cant be in the medical field without a lil smn smn#& it's like idk ! i like ppl that do do that kinda stuff but like! i never grew up with that & it just feels odd to do it now kinda thing#idk im very cheap but also i will use the fact that im cheap on the small stuff to justify wanting to make a big purchase#i have a weird relationship with buying things for myself vs for others like 4 others i will buy watever u want bro#sugar papi ted#hey heres this idk insert raccoon bracelet bcs u like raccoons n love wearing bracelets so i thot of u n bought it#but if i buy smthing for me it has to have a dual purpose or smthing#i got to have a free dessert today n chose the churros over the tres leches cake slicr cus u can judt make the cake#but i dont own a deep fryer so i cant make churros n storebought churros just arent the same#like im just always idk comparing or needing to know the use of things yanno#if i do smthing. i have to see it thru. & it has to have multi purpose#i mean just look at my username jrue ships or jrue's hips like#im unwell when it comes to that#idk is anyone else like this#anyways yea this whole new thing of getting stuff on one day is hard for me like it just never matches up with my time#of course ill see stuff id like to have but like. ill just make myself forget it n by the time stuff like this rolls up it's like idk#i COULD get a new laptop but i got one that works just fine. i got an ipad on its last legs but can i still turn it on? alright
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me when im forced to remember that the autism isnt just a fun secret way to like my fav band more than everyone else and that ill actually never be able to navigate social situations normally
#desire mona#media#i dont entirely know what this means but its the closest image i can think of the convey the feeling#im so tired im so fucking tired im tired IM FUCKING TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#this is so exhausting and i can never turn it off#no fucking wonder we're more prone to alcoholism id drink enough to need my stomach pumped if it meant i didnt have to second guess every#fucking word i say to anyone ever#but alas. the other mental condition#sorry for the vent post this isnt very haha mona shitpost of me im just frustrated beyond belief with myself even tho i know its stupid#how do i turn it off. id kill to turn it off#i dont wanna get rid of my autism but fuck i just wanna know the feeling. i wanna know what its like more than anything#its getting darker earlier and earlier and winters coming so. the bad feelings#apologies#should i tag yttd spoilers#yttd spoilers#feedback loop - chris thile#< im not looping this song i just keep happening to make posts when this song is playing. im looping thanks for listening tho#thoughtsing
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-click image for transparency effect-
Goodnight Splatoon 1's server's and thank you for everything.
I remember seeing the first trailer for Splatoon. At first I wasn't interested at all... a shooter game? Not my style of game play... But then I kept watching and wow... I just got so captivated by what I saw that it was the first game I had ever pre-ordered that wasn't a Pokemon game. I used to do something called the "24 hour challenge" something that no one else but me did because I made it up. I would stay up the full 24 hours for Splatfest for the first handful of Splatfests and play the wholeeeee time. Or at least until my brother wanted to play and I'd take a nap, haha. That stopped once school started up again but those memories of my 24 hour challenges are still ones that I hold close to my heart. My first real Splatoon friend was Nick! We would play the new stages together in recon as soon as they would come out and we were both online. We still talk and I'd still consider him one of my closest friends. Thanks for sticking with me all these years Nick, I appreciate you more than words could ever express. I've made more Splatoon friends over the years and I'm happy to have every single one of you. Here's to the future!
#splatoon#splatoon 1#splatoon 3#splatoon art#my art#artists on tumblr#color#dare#splat dare#friends#nick#arson#captian#splatoon captain 3#captian 3#captin 3#captain 3#3#i remeber songs like “its raining tacos” haveing a 10 hour version and there being comments about how if you listioned to the whole thing#you chould make a wish and have it granted. i used the 24 hour challange to take advantage of that#another song was wacky inflatable arm flailing tube man#the wish sort of came true so i think it was worth it. it hasent come all the way true tho yet so i wont be telling you what i wished for#not takeing any chances haha#paint markers#ive wanted to make this peice for a long time... im really happy with how it turned out :]#i deconstructed my paint markers useing a yogurt lid. isopropanol alcohol. and a paintbrush to get the transparency of my pants#thank you again for the memorys yall. love you <3#anyways- *turns to look at pretendo*#IF YOU SAW THIS POSTED YESTERDAY NO YOU DIDNT. I WENT TO CORRECT IT AND WHEN I SAVED THE POST IT POSTED INSTEED.#i think i fixed it tho-
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celebrating oru's birthday a bit more
#witch hat tag#orufrey#i went out to do some errands and bought fruitcake & alcohol to draw with cause he's a fruitcake and i lov him So much#comic is kind of a followup to yesterday's. it could be a different birthday or it could be that one. for some reason i don't know#will i ever be one of those people who carefully and patiently works ahead on one really good colourful finished piece for 'Special Events'#instead of Hey im gonna turn up and sketch like mad on the day and now im done peace out *drinking gin*
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when your grandpa is threatening your grandma so despite the fever you're still the only person in the fam to step up and put him in his place
#yeah well lol shit happens#I don't understand how alcohol turns you into an abusive monster#when I drink im just silly and clingy
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I had been worried that cutting my dad off and distancing myself from him would put me in a difficult position with his side of the family but I've actually reconnected with a couple family members over how shitty he's been and it turns out I'm not the first one to stop talking to him, he's been blocked by like two of my aunts And my cousin
#my cousin texted me out of nowhere yesterday and we've been chatting which has been really nice#and I asked her like btw did my dad send you to talk to me and shes like oh God no I haven't talked to him since he got drunk and rampaged#and I was like oh which time and she's like the one a couple months ago and I was like ayy me too lmao#so! turns out the only person who is straining and breaking familial relationships is him 🤔#not that he'll ever see the pattern that his sister and aunt and two of his nieces AND his ex wife/baby mama AND his own kid#have told him to get his shit together and stop being an asshole to everyone#but yknow#if he stopped drinking it'd solve 25% of his problems and therapy would solve another 50%#but he refuses to stop drinking or listen to anyone but other brainwashed trumpheads so! fuck 'im#dad mention#alcohol mentioned#anyway. feeling better about my choice to stop talking to him#he went off on my mom today and called her a lot of horrible things and accused her of leading him on#when she has actively been telling him since they got divorced TEN YEARS AGO that nothing is ever happening w them again#but since he doesn't listen to her he didn't hear it and just dug his pity party hole deeper#anyway. back to my night having a nice time and having a good relationship with basically everyone else in my family#unlike some people 🍵 🐸
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in my quest to quell my pain ive only hurt myself worse. damned if i do damned if i dont.
#i need better coping mechanisms but it’s so easy to just turn to substances when you’ve never learned how to cope w your emotions#and physical pain. however a lot of it has been brought on by the substance abuse aka i did it to myself#so i probably deserve it#but i started with them in the first place to get rid of pain that was so overwhelming and constant#it feels like every time i do something to preserve myself im punished for it#and im so sick of it. i cant believe its gotten this bad#i drink to help the pain -> i get hungover and the pain is way worse -> i drink to stop that pain#and the worst part is it always works#realistically ive depended on substances for like a decade#i started drinking at 13 and fell into a rut of alcoholism at like 15/16#my mom was going thru a phase of alcoholism and roped me into it so bad if be woken up by her bringing me a drink at 9 am#and we’d drink till she passed out and i had to walk her to bed and cook for everyone and do all the chores#it went on for months one summer#then it was weed and i smoked every day from like 18-22#only thing thwt stopped me from drinking until i started again after both my parents died#i havent recovered since.#im still so traumatized and depressed that i looked for any method of relief#the dph phase was the worst. i think alc is even better than that lmfao it was horrible#once i got access to alc i stopped all that. wouldnt have if i hadnt had alc tho#it’s honestly been one addiction after the other for a decade#and my parents fueled so much of it#‘oh id rarher you drink under my eye than do it behind my back’#BRUH YOU WOULDNT LET ME GO ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING. HOW WOULD THWT HAVE HAPPENED#crazy how i was obsessed w drugs and shit by the time i was 10 and i remember thinking wow im gojna grow up to be an addict.#why am i so irreparably fucked up#idk whatever. like im not gonna drink abt it lmao.
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