SCREAMING RN Worst night of my life
I was successful for almost 2 years from prevening my brain from being a piece of shit and splitting but I guess this weekend we're getting 2 fictives because Fuck me Ig
Tbh could care less about Shadow bc yk what he's fine. I don't have to worry about his ass being feral and being completely reckless
Spamton Fucking NEO on the other hand I- I hate this I hate everything rn I wish system hoping was real GET ME OUT OF HERE
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People who say that being nice will get you further in life than being mean have never been nice a day in their life. That shit got me USED. I came out of the nice room covered in my own blood. You're all liars
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Just to clarify my thoughts (since I've had a number of people ask me about it) re: Job and cursing God. There's a big difference between cursing God as used in Scripture and how we generally would think of cursing at God today.
Cursing someone, in the Bible, has a lot of depth to it. It's not just saying "screw you " in anger, it's got a sense of forsakenness to it. It's the opposite of a blessing, a removal of blessing. If the blessing is presence, your face shining on the person you're blessing, then a curse is absence. In some translations, Job's wife tells him to "renounce God and die," which I honestly think makes a lot more sense to modern ears.
Job says a lot of unpleasant things to and about God in his anger and grief. So do the Psalmists. A number of the Prophets. So can we. God can take it if we come to him with honest expressions of our emotion, including those not-so-nice ones directed at him. I don't think there's anything wrong with getting mad at God and saying, "How dare you, you bastard" when you suffer unjustly. You can say much worse, I think, without sinning, though I don't feel particularly inclined to give examples. But as long as it's an honest expression of your heart, I think you're doing exactly what prayer is for. You're presenting him your heart with an open hand. He can use that. Opposite of love is not hate but indifference, etc.
Job doesn't renounce God. Neither should we. But I think when you're truly suffering, you're gonna have those feelings toward God either way. He'd rather you address them with him directly than try to avoid them. Cursing at God in the modern sense is actually a great way to keep the relationship strong and not end up cursing/renouncing him in the Biblical sense.
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I understand that there is absolutely a reason for folks to argue that there are no "good enough" conditions under which religion just disappears, and I agree that it's an incredibly hateful and harmful position to hold in the first place. along with being, y'know, completely fucking nonsensical.
however
if your argument to this is "the thing that makes humans human is religion" respectfully I need you to re-evaluate with people who are not religious in mind & consider what kind of impact that has on a group that is already dehumanized. for not being religious.
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Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Unfair unfair why is the universe mean to me. I'm tired I hurt I want a break aaaaaaaaaah.
I don't even feel like I get to complain because one of the things I'm screaming about is my grandpa being in the hospital again which is way worse for him. But aaaaaaaaaah.
I need a break I need a break how the fuck does one ask for time off work without a good reason other than 'my mental health is falling apart I haven't had more than a day or two off in a row since March my brain is like permanently soup now and my depression has returned.' I need a break. It has to be soon or else The Big Project will resume and kick my ass some more. I should be preparing for The Big Project, phase 2, but really, it could wait a week. It could. Also, it's my project. What's gonna happen if I don't get it done? I don't get to publish a paper. That's it.
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I don't know what's been going on with me recently but like...there's this tiny shred of guilt that I'm not doing anything really engaging on here anymore? Like, my creative block is fading out (finally), but I haven't drawn or written anything substantial recently and I feel really weird about that. Not just for you all looking at my blog, but also just in a creative bust kind of way.
There are ideas and themes and such that I would love to play with or dabble in, but I keep stopping them because they're either too self indulgent or there's no visual work to go with it. I don't really know how to describe it? Like I feel like I've been lazy creatively speaking recently when I COULD be getting more ideas out, but it's about the same ship all the time and idk, I also feel like I've gotten to the point where I'm talking too much again? Not that anyone here has made me feel like that and I have asks that I need to answer so I KNOW I'm not talking too much but I'm!!!! Being splashed with the self conscious and self critical and imposter syndrome buckets and I need them to stop!!!!
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