#I'm doing what i can and am reminded every day that I'm not to the standard desired so f* it.
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track seven - i don't regret it one bit, 'cause he had it coming
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WINTER BREAK 2023
ines_alonso, oscarpiastri, and charles_leclerc posted new stories
last night's gingerbread houses, 3 guesses which one's mine babysitting duties today 😁 watching bluey because according to the kiddos it's the show that reminds them of danielricciardo, for the record he does give off bandit energy, so i agree petite fraise is very happy at the alonso-leclerc-piastri home gotham's greatest protector is so cute, villains tremble before him
liked by lilymhe, francesca.cgomes, kellypiquet and others
ines_alonso first year hosting in the alonso-leclerc-piastri home this year in spain next year its monaco, trust me. p.s. charles is officially banned from stepping foot in our kitchen.
tagged: charles_leclerc, oscarpiastri, fernandoalo_oficial
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maxverstappen1 oh my god, what the hell did he do this time?
oscarpiastri the firefighters were involved this time max, that's all you need to know charles_leclerc okay, you people are being dramatic and i am not being dramatic ines_alonso THE OVEN WAS ON FIRE! THERE WERE FLAMES CHARLES! charles_leclerc you're being dramatic, there was no fire oscarpiastri the firemen laughed at you charles, there was a fire.
user1 two cats and charles leclerc? how the hell do they manage?
oscarpiastri i ask myself that same question every day charles_leclerc fuck you, i'm a delight ines_alonso except when we have to call the firemen because someone lit the oven on fire BAKING COOKIES!
user2 the matching pjs and slippers?? oh i'm in love with this trio
user3 inés, how did you convince them to get matching pjs and slippers?? i need tips on how to convince my partner
ines_alonso threaten to withhold sex, it does wonders user3 why didn't i think of that? fernandoalo_oficial i can read this... charles_leclerc what's sex? never heard that word in my life 😅 oscarpiastri what is this sex she speaks of?? fernandoalo_oficial watch your backs going into turn 1 in bahrain user4 peepaw, stop causing controversies, this is why they call you a war criminal
francesca.cgomes marry me and make me delicious treats??
ines_alonso meet me at the courthouse tomorrow?? pierregasly absolutely not! oscarpiastri now i'm thinking we should've had you and kika get fake married instead of charles and max charles_leclerc why are you always feeding into this shit? oscarpiastri why not?
user5 she has style and yet her partners always dress in the same skinny jeans and shorts
user6 oscar needs to step up his fashion style user7 charles needs to wear something that isn't those fuckass tiedye jeans user5 those jeans are a horror to humanity
alex_albon there is not a single thought behind those eyes, just like oscar
oscarpiastri stop slandering my name alex_albon tell your girlfriend to stop flirting with mine and i'll stop oscarpiastri carry on, there's no use in me telling her, she'll never stop
user5 nano living up to the chaos of fernando alonso
user6 i bet he knocked down the tree ines_alonso he did and the charles scolded him, it was quite hilarious to see
georgerussell63 why does honey always look like that?
ines_alonso like what? georgerussell63 lost charles_leclerc she gets it from her father oscarpiastri fuck you, she gets it from you georgerussell63 this was not about either one of you but i fear i may have just started a war
jensonbutton the wife is demanding to know where you got those slippers from
ines_alonso i'll send her the link in exchange for pictures of you in them! brittnybutton deal! ines_alonso pleasure doing business with you mrs.button
ximena.gomez nice holiday?
ines_alonso i'm still mad at you but they're at each other's throats ximena, help me. pierregasly at each other's throats or in each other's throats? ines_alonso blocked and reported.
user8 wait, so they did get a place in spain?
user9 it looks like they did but it could be a rental for the holiday season? user10 honestly, i would love it they got a place in spain because that would mean the s*inz mafia can't get away from them even in spain use8 they can't get away from them even in sp
user11 honestly can't tell who i'm supposed to be more jealous of, inés for having two hot boyfriends or charles and oscar for dating inés
user12 charles and oscar because they have inés. i mean who gets jealous over the men? user13 all three?? user11 i think all three is the only right choice
FEBRUARY 1ST, 2024 AKA DIVORCEGATE
FEBRUARY 7TH, 2024 AKA GASLIGHT, GATEKEEP, GIRLBOSS
liked by charles_leclerc, oscarpiastri, fernandoalo_oficial and others
ines_alonso i've always looked good in navy 💙
tagged: redbullracing
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charles_leclerc words cannot describe how proud we are of you mon soleil. looking forward to racing against you next year! ❤ by ines_alonso
oscarpiastri so excited to be racing against you again sunshine. i can't believe we finally get to share the same tracks again, looking forward to it! ❤ by ines_alonso
patriciooward felicitaciones hermana! this is what you deserve and so much more, i can't wait to see what you do on the track! ❤ by ines_alonso
alex_albon INÉS JESSICA ALONSO, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US?!
ines_alonso my middle name is not jessica alex_albon I DON'T CARE! HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME, YOUR BEST FRIEND?? AND I FUCKING BET MAX EMILIAN VERSTAPPEN KNEW! maxverstappen1 I HAVE AN NDA YOU DIMWIT?! alex_albon I DON'T CARE?! THIS IS THE SHIT WE TELL EACH OTHER!!
fernandoalo_oficial no hay suficientes palabras para describir lo orgulloso que estoy de ti. te mereces esto y todo lo bueno que hay en tu vida. [translation: there are not enough words to describe how proud i am of you. you deserve this and everything else that is good in your life] ❤ by ines_alonso
ines_alonso papa, voy a llorar fernandoalo_oficial it's okay, i'm crying too
jensonbutton going to miss one of my favorite co-hosts, who else will help me terrorize the evil woman?? but congratulations baby alonso, glad your dream finally came true. ❤ by ines_alonso
ines_alonso it's okay jenson, we can terrorize her post race together, i promise. and thank you, it means a lot 🥹
isahernaez felicitaciones pequeña!! te lo mereces, no dejes que nadie te diga algo diferente! [translation: congrats little one!! you deserve it, don't let anyone tell you anything different] ❤ by ines_alonso
ines_alonso gracias isa! espero verte en una carrera pronto! [translation: thank you isa! i hope to see you at a race soon] isahernaez obvio! nadamas dime cuando y ahí estoy, tengo que apoyar a mi pilota favorita [obviously! tell when and i'll be there, i have to support my favorite driver] userxx i love the survived carlos sainz jr club ❤ by ines_alonso and isahernaez
sabrinacarpenter CONGRATULATIONS!!!
ines_alonso THANK YOU!!!
user14 wait, so who's the wag now?
oscarpiastri we're both her wags charles_leclerc we're just ken and she's everything user14 down bad, both of you
louieee BITCH?! HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME?!
ines_alonso I'M SORRY BABY!! I COULDN'T TELL YOU!! louieee I'M SO PROUD OF YOU BABY!! YOU DESERVE THIS AND EVERYTHING GOOD IN LIFE!!
carlossainz55 wow, what a way to stab your own brother in the back
ines_alonso womp womp oscarpiastri womp womp charles_leclerc womp womp maxverstappen1 womp womp louieee womp womp patriciooward womp womp fernandoalo_oficial womp womp alex_albon womp womp jensonbutton womp womp logansargeant womp womp aussiegrit womp womp pierregasly womp womp sebastianvettel womp womp lewishamilton womp womp kimimatiasraikkonen womp womp user15 KIMI? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!
redbullracing looking forward to working with you in 2025! ❤ by ines_alonso
user16 SHUT THE FUCK UP?! RED BULL RACING JUST EARNED A NEW FAN!!
user17 carlos sainz jr found screaming and throwing up in a ditch somewhere
schecoperez felicitaciones baby alonso!!
ines_alonso gracias checo!
taylorswift congrats little alonso 💙 ❤ by ines_alonso
ines_alonso I'M RACING WITH THE NUMBER 13 MOTHER!! patriciooward i'm begging you, be normal for once taylorswift that's a great number to pick 😉
user18 i bet oscar and charles are glad to have red bull in the house without seeming like traitors for going out and buying it
user19 bestie, what the fuck does that mean? user18 oscar once said he doesn't like monster but he does drink another energy drink (red bull i'm guessing) and charles just seems like he's hopped up on red bull 80% of the time. user20 those bitches love to drink red bull and you can't convince me otherwise
tkelce congrats inés and good luck next year!
ines_alonso i might be freaking out a little bit right about now but thank you! danielricciardo no inés, you must stand strong, go bills! ines_alonso i'm so sorry mr. kelce but my loyalties align with the honey badger tkelce okay? user21 nothing is better than someone like travis kelce getting involved in the world of formula 1 because these people are insane and he's not ready for their chaos.
kellypiquet congratulations, looking forward to spending time with you in the garage next year 🩷
ines_alonso thank you kelly, looking forward to terrorizing max with p 🩷 maxverstappen1 p does not terrorize me, you and alex on the other hand... alex_albon okay, so find other friends bitch. oh that's right, you can't!
pedri felicitaciones!!
ines_alonso gracias pedri!!
user22 all these people congratulating inés because it's what she deserves is making me tear up a little bit.
aussiegrit congratulations inés, there's no doubt you'll do amazing.
ines_alonso be honest, is oscar holding you at gun point? aussiegrit they're going to think i hate you ines_alonso jury's still out to be honest
lewishamilton it'll be an honor to share the track with you inés
ines_alonso thank you lewis, that means a lot coming from you
nicorosberg make sure you terrorize max for me
ines_alonso will do britney 🫡 maxverstappen1 i will wipe the floor with her nicorosberg i will destroy you on sky sports and will tell fernando exaggerating lies that you said about inés ines_alonso i just sit back and giggle at this chaos
danielricciardo make me proud baby alonso!
ines_alonso always honey badger user23 and this one goes to all the haters who were saying what about daniel? clearly he was aware of this and is fine with it. y'all are just misogynistic.
eliasowens congratulations kid, i might give you a lot of shit for stealing my kids but you deserve this, don't let lord voldemort ruin this for you
ines_alonso elias, i love your kids, jury's still out on you but thanks. eliasowens you suck sometimes inés
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¡leclerc-s speaks!
𝜗𝜚 i hope all of you that celebrate christmas had a great one, this was originally supposed to go up yesterday but i forgot to post it.
𝜗𝜚 and yes, this is 100% what the poll i posted ages ago was about, so writing this part, that deals with 2024 preseason is insane to me because the 2024 season was just so chaotic and heartbreaking. i am so not ready to write out logan and daniel's departures, even writing this part knowing what i know about daniel and red bull breaks my heart. plus even though it's a fanfic i don't feel good about this plot point and me just blatantly putting yuki to the side this way. i know why he didn't get the red bull seat but i have every right to be upset about it either way and i will be for a while.
¡disclaimer! 𝜗𝜚 this is in no way making assumptions about the people involved in this story, this is all fake. it is a fanfiction please don't take any of what is said seriously. this is all for entertainment purposes and as a creative outlet for me. enjoy!
#leclerc-s#guilty as sin series#f1 instagram au#f1 x oc#f1 oc#f1 smau#f1 social media au#f1#formula one#f1 fic#formula 1 fic#f1 x female oc#charles leclerc x female oc#oscar piastri x female oc
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Merry Christmas, Dr. Zayne
inspired by (and written listening to) Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence - Ryuichi Sakamoto from my zayne playlist hehe
fluff, zayne x mc, 1.3k wc
Snow crystallizes on tree branches outside in the light of the falling winter sun, each ray refracting through the icicles that frame the window and splitting into thin beams that run like streams onto the wooden floor inside. She sighs, staring out the window, mug of cocoa clenched between cold hands.
She anticipates him coming home late again. "You know, emergency room visits spike during the holiday season," Zayne had told her with a smile in the morning as he prepared to leave.
"You're not even an ER doctor," she grumbled, arms crossed. He'd laughed softly. "When people need help, I help, my dear. It's non-negotiable."
Times like this she begrudges his unrelentingly chivalrous spirit and sense of justice, although it's usually one of the qualities she likes the most about him. She waits on the couch, feeling more than a little restless. She had hoped to spend at least some part of Christmas Day with him, but as the hours ticked by on the clock, the chances of that grew slimmer and slimmer.
She doesn't text Zayne, not wanting to bother him, knowing he's likely stressed at work. She gets up from the couch with a sigh, deciding to at least busy herself with some cleaning. Her presents for him sit below the tree, untouched.
The sun sinks lower, quickly, and she grimaces, its descent through the clouds a constant reminder of the fact that the hours in this special day is running out, and so far she's spent it nearly all alone. She tidies up the dinner table, mindlessly searching through the cabinets for what to make for dinner. If Zayne won't be joining her to chastise her for her poor diet, a box (or two) of mac n cheese should do the trick to soothe her feelings.
She sighs, bending down in the pantry to grab the boxes in question, when suddenly she hears a click of the door unlocking. She shoots up in surprise, promptly banging her head into the top of the pantry cabinet. "Fuck!" she cries out, eyes screwed up in pain as she massages the back of her head.
"Hm. That wasn't the reaction I was expecting to me coming home like this."
Zayne's soft, chuckling voice filters in from the foyer, getting louder with each word. When she opens her eyes, still rubbing at the back of her head, she sees him standing in the kitchen entryway, a lush bouquet of white roses and jasmine tucked under his arm. She splutters a little, watching as he presents it to her, a small smile on his face.
"What's this about?" she says softly, taking the bouquet from him, a gentle pink flush rising on her cheeks.
"What, I can't give my girlfriend flowers?" He steps closer, closing the space between them. He's still in his white coat and scrubs underneath, and she can see the slight tiredness in his eyes. "Besides, they're an apology."
"For what?" she mutters, setting the bouquet down on the dining room table.
"For not being able to spend more of Christmas with you," he murmurs, capturing one of her hands in his, pressing a soft kiss to her knuckles. "I know you weren't happy that I had to work. I'm sorry. It wasn't ideal."
She feels a mild pang of guilt. He hadn't seemed bothered by her pouting and whining about it all of Christmas Eve, brushing it off at every turn with his signature even-keeled demeanor. But she'd misjudged him, it seems, as she searches his gaze, seeing his brow furrow slightly. "I really am sorry," he says quietly. "We couldn't open presents in the morning because I had to go to work."
"Oh..." she shakes her head. "Don't... worry about that."
"I do worry," he says softly, lowering her hand from his lips, but keeping his hold on it, thumb skating soothingly over the back of her hand. "I know it's important to you."
"It's not a big deal," she says hastily. "You didn't have to come today if--" "I wanted to come back," he says, voice carrying a bit of a harder edge now, an authoritative quality signaling it's not up for debate. "I wanted to see you. And to give you my gift."
She sighs a little, still feeling guilty. "The flowers are beautiful, Z. But you didn't have to rush back--"
His brow furrows. "That's not the gift," he says gently.
He guides her over to the couch, gesturing for her to sit down. "Just a moment," he says softly, walking off to retrieve his bag, which he begins to rummage through.
The sun has set quickly, the room now enveloped in darkness, the only light source now being the Christmas tree. The soft white lights send pinpricks of light dancing across the room. She hears a match flick, and turns around to see Zayne lighting a candle behind her, setting it down on the coffee table. A small smirk plays at her lips. "Getting romantic, are we?" He lights another candle, placing it nearby. "No," he says matter-of-factly. "Just a moment. You'll see."
She almost rolls his eyes at his inability to go with the joke, the grin lingering on her lips. He sits down on the couch opposite her, and then produces an unassuming box, flat and rectangular, tied with a dark gray ribbon. It fits in both of his hands, and he hands it over to her. "Your gift."
She looks down, fingers working through the ribbon and gently untying it. She hesitates for a moment, and then opens the box.
Inside lies a stunning, thin silver necklace, adorned with what looks like hundreds of soft blue gemstones that twinkle alluringly as soon as the candlelight hits them. Each gemstone is tear shaped, like a shimmering droplet of rain.
"Zayne..." her breath catches in her throat.
"Do you like it?" he says softly, with a hint of hesitation in her voice anyone but her would miss. She nods, and he lets out a soft hum of relief, gently lifting the necklace from the box and moving closer to fasten it around her neck.
"I lit the candles because I wanted to see how it looked in their light," he mutters softly, his breath ghosting over her ear as he attaches the necklace around her. He pulls away, his eyes watching how the glittering stones seem to dance and shift in the light.
"Beautiful," he says, voice a little hoarser than usual. She swallows softly, the space between them nearly pulsing, reverberating with unsaid words. She knows Zayne isn't much of a talker, but she's learned to be attuned to his face and body enough that she can read his emotions like a book, a consequence of the past year they've spent dating. She sees him fidget slightly, the pulse thrum slightly faster in his neck, the way his eyes flick between the jewelry and her eyes, as if watching to see how the candlelight dances there too.
"Thank you," she says, her voice thick with emotion as she takes one of his hands in her own. It's cold, as his hands always are, and she scoots a little closer to him on the couch. "It is beautiful."
He clears his throat. "I was talking about you," he says.
It's like the world falls blissfully quiet-- even the weight of all the things that they can't find the words to say say feels lighter suddenly. The feeling of his hand in hers, slowly warming between her palms, grounds her in this moment.
The tree glows softly, the lights flickering like thousands of little fireflies, casting a golden glow across the room. Under the mask of the dim light, it's like the exhaustion is erased somehow from Zayne's features, and all she can see is the warmth in his deep, forest green stare, desperately trying to push forth. She squeezes his hand. "Merry Christmas," she says softly.
"Merry Christmas," he replies, in a whisper, squeezing back.
#songfics#i didnt format this right bc i thought it was literally going to be a drabble but it turned out to be longer than my last fic tf#also i actually cranked this in like 30mins just now so im proofreading hold on#lads#lads fluff#love and deepspace fic#love and deepspace#zayne lads#lads fanfic#lnds zayne#l&ds zayne#zayne x reader#zayne x mc#zayne fluff#lads zayne#dr zayne#love and deepspace zayne#li shen#zayne love and deepspace
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i am sorry for what i will write here. it will probably sound desperate. (and i will make mistakes because english is not my first language, i apologize for that)
my mental diet keeps being so bad. i live in toxic household and obviously i'm manifesting getting out of here+getting a lot of money.
i try so much to not pay attention to the 3d but it's just...i honestly don't know how much longer i can handle. not only my mental health is deeply affected, honestly i feel stressed and i feel like i am in danger all the time, but also my mental diet is so affected (what's worse because my manifestations are something that can get me out of here)
maybe you have some tips for me? anything will be deeply appreciated i promise. i feel so stressed, every second is living hell (i love christmas so much but i also hate holidays because my parents will be at home almost all the time during next 3 weeks, i am sorry for sounding so desperate but it feels like my brain can't even think properly because of being so stressed)
thank you so so so much for anything you will say, i appreciate any advice.
merry christmas :)
I'm going to be harsh, I hope you understand that, but I'm not doing it to be a bitch, I'm doing it because it clicks easier.
Stop being a victim to your external world. I am sorry, that you are going through this, but you do realize that you create everything, right? At the end of the day, yes, you didn't know at the time and that's fine but you know now. The external world is just showing you your old assumptions. So pause for a moment.
Re-read what you've said there, this is all of your assumptions on your situation. "I can't even think properly because of being so stressed" and "I feel like I am in danger all the time." If you want your desires, listen to me. REPEAT. Repetition is SO good for when you're manifesting especially when starting out (in my opinion.) So saturate, but don't waver. Don't let the external world get to you, you don't have to ignore it but you mustn't let it get to you. I know it can be really hard, but the only reason why it is, is because that's your assumption. So pull through I know you can do it.
You're allowed to feel by the way, but that shouldn't affect your way of thinking. Affirming is just thinking, so use that to your advantage, you can affirm while crying, whilst being stressed, just keep going. You're living your dream life right now, simple. It's done, you just have to remind yourself, tell yourself, that it is done.
I would suggest looking at Indigo Detry and Taylor Tookes' channel. They were helpful for me during times like this and I think they'll benefit you too.
Good luck, I know things will get better for you. You've got this.
#loablr#law of assumption#loassumption#manifestation#loa blog#loa tumblr#manifesting#shifting realities#shifting#the void state#shifting community#shifting blog#reality shifting#desired reality#shifting motivation#shifters#loa advice#loa#loassblog#loass#neville goddard#master manifestor#affirmations#self concept#law of attraction#how to manifest#dream life#noxpost#anon ask
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Supervisor: *passive-aggressive comment about quality of work *
Me: You can fire me, you know. That's very much within your right to do if it suits your fancy
#slice of life#I'm doing what i can and am reminded every day that I'm not to the standard desired so f* it.#I'll do my best as it is -and if it ain't enough- fire me or die mad about it#at that point keeping me is clearly serving you no benefit and i can't do more than my best so *shrug* oh well#more of a vent
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really wish people would read blog rules more, it makes running blogs like this very low reward and you feel like a machine if people aren't commenting and aren't even abiding by one of the, honestly, very few and politely phrased rules i even have
#then i'm left trying not to respond like a bitch when the rules are there in the first place so i don't have to have negative interactions#with the people who come to this blog#like keeping it 100 you write for yourself but you write for ENGAGEMENT and COMMUNITY#and these days in fandom there really is no community#for any fandom across the board#people see something and move on#that's bad enough at killing fandoms#but the fact that a creator can have really only one super hard rule and it gets disregarded every day#day in and day out! and i really mean it this rule gets broken in my inbox DAILY man!#i write for a lot of small fandoms or smaller characters i love the characters i'm happy to do it#but i have an adult job. college. friends. family. my own original creative projects#and even if i don't respond to the asks where people are blatantly violating /again/#one of my FEW rules#it's exhausting to even see it !!!#it makes me not feel like a person#who cares what the girl behind the screen asked me not to do? right?? but i'm about done#i'm only at my breaking point because i've had this blog now for what three or four years??#and no matter how i phrase the rule people break it#no matter how many reminder posts#it's exhausting because it's an every day daily thing#idk maybe i'll feel better abt it in the morning but i'm getting exhausted tbh#exhausted as in this blog might be going BYE BYE i wont delete i think you'd have it up until tumblr goes away but i am getting pissed off#TRULY pissed off bc it's been years of me asking cmon now
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this is a formal apology for every time i've read ur fnaf theories, gone "ah... of course! yes!" and then forgotten to respond
This is a formal apology for every time I've read one of your asks, not immediately had a TQ&/E, and forgotten to respond
#The box can wait my questions that need to be answered are why there is already a body in a Fredbear suit before the Bite#and what can 'I will put you back together' mean solely within those four games#like yeah it's robot kids but it wasn't then#that isn't 'four games; one story' that's using the next game in the series to elaborate on the previous one#(and the then new addition of books)#also what the hell was Fnaf World on about but I think I'm the only person that's thought about Fnaf World in years#yeah yeah Happiest day it's about CC I got that WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE PLAYER WAS ONLY CREATED FOR THIS PURPOSE!!!#Okay yeah that's probably just an explanation for why the game exists but what the fuck is glitchy Fredbear#and why do *we* need to be told to rest#It's fucking important that they're clocks goddamnit#As of the Halloween update the story of Fnaf 4 still remained 'completely hidden'#So (I think) what Sister Location (AND THE SILVER EYES) tells us about it is the version of Fnaf 4 that the version of it that the communit#''''would accept''''#But the pieces didn't vanish into thin air after the custom night update for sister location dropped#And I think their being put together is reliant on the constant separation put between the GF kid and the rest of the MCI#And the body in the parts and service room#Could not tell you what CC saw though since I should hope that that kid's body hasn't been there for weeks#When I was talking about 'what if this isn't the first time CC had died' I mean basically dream theory with extra steps#I don't think I'm right but in literally every part of this franchise what is hammered in over an over is going into memories#and setting past events right to rest their soul#Happiest Day + Into the Pit being the biggest examples#And tangentially spirits not being fully anchored or aware after death#and reminding them of what happened to them involving crayon drawings and/or being shown their body#(The Fourth closet + Coming Home + the movie)#(and maybe Give Gifts Give Life....? it'd be stretchy)#Regardless of whether the Fnaf 4 gameplay and minigames are CC reliving the events leading to his death over and over as a wandering spirit#or pre-mortem nightmares or the effects of sound illusion disc gas on Micheal(/CC?) or any combination of the three or whatever else#I don't think the Crying Child's spirit was settled and aware until Happiest Day#(that being the first and only time a spirit is shown wearing a Fredbear mask and the kid has to put it on while the other four are already#And if for some godforsaken reason I am right about nightmare spirit journey Fnaf 4 then post Silver Eyes/Fourth Closet
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it turns out we were all the gay cousin
#melonposting#the 'gay cousin' thing is very funny to me considering how many of us in the family are queer#i am... so are at least two of my siblings... and now one of my cousins is trans! wahoo#i'm reminded of something funny though#my synagogue holds a 'queer shabbat' every june. quite nice of them#among other things they try to have more queer people participating in services. so my brother read torah that day! yay!#but for getting someone to carry the torah around the synagogue they asked my other brother#...who is not queer#and he asks me in a hushed voice during the service if i can carry the torah instead of him#and i'm like um? i don't know how?? i've never done it before??? what if i drop it????#and he's like no it's fine it's not even that heavy#and i was like why do you want me to do it so badly anyway???#and he's like... it should be someone who's ACTUALLY QUEER#i almost cracked up. he said it so bald-facedly lol#i was too nervous so he ended up doing it. i bet he felt rather silly about it though
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Petition to Stop the Passage of Time.
#i'm. not gonna make it.#what's it? let's just say. hjhhggghufhhhh all of me. my entire life. everything.#idk i've been having some crazy highs and lows lately i don't even know why. i'm medicated. i should be BASELINE NORMAL#and yet.#every day that goes by i am reminded of how much i ignore and avoid and outright refuse to live my life.#it is so utterly hopeless. i feel like i've failed in every facet of life and i'm scared to get it together.#i've just failed. at being a human. and anyone who interacts w me in person will realize this very quickly.#i can ALMOST. get a semblance. a taste. of human connection online. through art. the life we breathe into it.#but man. it's too late. i'm so far gone.#it's like MAN YEAH nothing will hurt me nothing will happen to me nothing unpredictable will happen. awesome 👍#but at. what cost. the repercussions.#literally literally i just can't let anyone in anymore. i am so fucking guarded. i've completely retreated into myself.#i barely live here. body and mind. but everything is just. so. fucking. difficult. and scary.#do it scared well what if i don't wanna. what if it's damn near impossible to get me to do anything i don't wanna do.#idk maybe it's the sun setting sooner or the years of isolation. getting to me.#i really do feel like i'm on the verge of cracking wide open.
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this is gonna sound incredibly virtue signal-y i fear but i have been feeling. so fiercely protective of all the transfems i've ever met lately
#marzi speaks#I PROMISE I'M NOT TRYING TO EARN GOOD BOY POINTS HOLD ON LET ME. EXPLAIN MYSELF HERE#obvs we're in kinda a tense political climate rn#and i'm noticing trends have been getting . increasingly misogynistic lately?#in like . a subtle but for sure still noticeable way#and women are being dismissed and all this awful shit#and ppl are going. completely mask off about it when the woman happens to be a trans gender#and it reminds me of when i was a little girl. and how my mom spent so much time in my childhood#training me to not stand for and take misogynistic bullshit from anyone. and to defend other women too#she taught me to assert myself in professional or academic environments. she taught me to stand proud and take up physical space#once as a kid my great uncle (who's always been a nut) didn't let me come on a fishing trip because i was a girl#when i came to my mom crying about it because i loved boats and fishing and my family she just about murdered him. completely tore into him#my whole life my mom has been there to tell me that people will try to put me down. they will try to overlook me or dismiss me#or make me feel smaller. and if i dare to get too confident i'll be labeled bossy or a bitch#and that no matter what i do i cannot let those pieces of shit win. i cannot let that stop me#and that i'd have to fight so fucking hard for it my whole life and it won't be fair but i will do it because i have no other option#and i'm seeing a lot of transfems having to navigate that now too#but they didn't get the privilege of being trained in this since day 1. they have to figure it out on their own#and the demonization right now is so strong that a single misstep can be. so dangerous#and it makes me so mad. all of that built up anger from every time i've had to learn how to not take misogynistic bullshit comes to a boil#the little girl scout in my brain who grew up forcing people to see that a girl can do whatever the fuck she wants fuck you is ACTIVE rn#she's angry. she's so angry. because she's seeing the same bullshit she dealt with in middle school being repeated again#anyways. transfems. i love you so much. you deserve so much fucking better.#i hope you can safely advocate for yourself. until then i will fucking yell and scream from the rooftops because this shit is so unfair#you should be allowed to succeed and you should be allowed to fail. and you should be allowed to take up as much goddamn space as you want#and wear whatever the hell you want. transfems i love you and i am so so angry on your behalf. modern feminism has failed you#and i am going to kill someone over it#remember to be loudly and unapologetically yourself as much as you safely can. do not let them crush your spirit
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my grandma does so much stuff to piss me off and i feel like i can't vent to anybody else in the family about it bc it sours them on her and makes them less likely to help her so then it always all comes down to me when she needs help so she's just getting more and more isolated, and weird in her interactions with me. and the cycle repeats again.
#i'm driving her to an appointment tomorrow because no one else will (2 hours one-way)#and she just tacked on going and visiting with someone afterwards which will add on a minimum of an hour#plus i honestly don't want to see that person again. she reminds me of my dead mom bc my dead mom is our connection to her.#and i hate driving generally. like my bi-monthly drive to go get groceries from the walmart 5 towns over stresses me tf out every time#and i know for a fact i can drive 30 minutes further for even cheaper groceries but i can't do it because it's such a stress#so i told my grandmother there's just no way and there's got to be an alternative#and she got really really upset so i said you need to find someone else to take you to visit her on a different day#and if you can't find anyone else then i'll take you if it comes down to it#but tomorrow is not going to become a 10 hour day no way no how#and she got so upset she said she had to go lie down 😑#sorry you didn't get your way. i am allowed opinions and autonomy.#even if they interfere with what you want to do.#adam talks too much
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I love my friends
#i think im just going to talk in the tags for a moment. got a lot on my mind#for starters. the fnaf movie comes out soon. really looking forward to that. think its gonna be awesome and amazing and I'm super excited!!!#secondly. waiting on funds so i can buy that mask i saw the other day and some Halloween candy from Walmart#i . want to do little goodie bags for the kids in my building. but im too scared to go up to their parents and ask candy preference and#allergy concerns. so. idk. maybe I'll just save it. I think it's a cute concept but it makes me feel like my mother.#she loved to do little gift things for people. but it was always people that didn't like her. i don't want to be that way#i know my value. i know my time and energy means something. i don't want to waste it on people who don't give a shit. ya know?#not saying the kids are those kinds of people. not what i mean. but just as an overall thing. i don't like being like her.#...yeah. i dunno. you get raised by one person your whole life. you pick up some of their characteristics#i can't sob without sounding like her. safe to say i am a little emotionally constipated. so i seek other means to relieve that feeling.#like yesterday when i threw up. i played it off like that was a blunder on my body. but i know what i did.#hey. at least it's not the other method. right?. .. yeah. okay. i know. not great either#but it hurts. and I'm so fucking sick and tired of crying over her. genuinely. it's exhausting crying all the time#but that's the only way I can get those emotions out#I've tried to do the counseling thing. but other things made that impossible. then i moved.#and i tried the grief thing but instead i just got a talking buddy? he helps me get out of the house yeah.#but we dont talk about her#... i dunno. I'm just here.#guess i waited long enough. now you get a mini secret. every time i make an i love my friends post. I'm reminding myself why I'm still going#I'm usually sitting around somewhere in my apartment (desk couch bed) crying. alone. thinking about you guys.#so uh. thank you.#i love you guys so much. and i don't know where I'd be without you#probably dead.#💖#vent
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appreciation for winston's watch wednesday. all the little buttons on it
#very peaceful screenshot. his coffee with whatever matching mugs moment he & rian were sharing....this gentle hands folding/cupping....#reminds me i mean to trim my nails soon. he's ready to go#epic win Featuring his watch for a sec in 6x01 during his reintro....reminder: winston; reminder: how ppl are exceptionally shit to him....#in terms of him getting to be the exception to other ppl's rules (in a way that does not benefit him)#(except when he is an ignored exception....when something is ignored it can (sometimes) do what it likes....)#anyways? his watch? thank god#and that it seems to have been yet another subtle costuming tweak along the journey....#he had what looked like just some smart watch in s4; this calculator / digital watch in s5 & ever since....#this evolution from looser slacks to somewhat more fitted cargo pants; from seemingly usual boat shoes to sneakers#from graphic tees as a rarer feature to the norm; no stache to winstache just b/c will roland happened to show up like that....#i enjoy all the changes and am kissing ppl on the mouth for some. hell for any of them#would love a little twenty dollar wristwatch. and cargo pants. and more open & up to date glasses & impeccable hair etc etc etc#(personally wouldn't have the wherewithal to style hair into place every day so actually god i wish i [cue taylor w/their clippers])#winston billions#also gotta shoutout every little Choice. just a fun enhancement & what are the odds william wasn't just left to his own devices w/them all#like the hands cupping here. winston sitting Comfortably. winston holding his coffee cup like that in that one ep.#winston out of focus in the bg of another ep standing watching stuff w/his arms overhead / hands up & then behind his back.#hands in his pockets. the :\ the :/. the wincestons. His Autistic Swag god bless us i'm sooo
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sometimes I feel... silly. for saying I have the disorders/illnesses/etc that I have because I’m not diagnosed and the little internalized ableism monster in my head telling me it’s “too many” but also like. I’ve taken a VERY long time sitting down and evaluating these things about myself and I still don’t like. allow myself to use certain diagnostic labels despite fitting most, if not all, of the criteria. It feels like a fine line to walk, understanding that self-diagnosis is in a lot of cases critical, just as a professional diagnosis can be! I have my reasons for using the labels I do and identifying with what I do, just as I have my reasons for not seeking diagnosis, and I think at the end of the day whether I choose to use them or not, I know I’m doing all I can to use them with respect.
#mud rambles#I guess I'm afraid of making people with a diagnosis feel that I'm just playing around when I say I have [x] disorder#despite the fact that I am struggling with this shit every day and I've spent years trying to put a name to what I'm dealing with#and STILL am. to this very day#like. it's not my fault it's not safe or even an option for me to get diagnosed but eugh. like i said. internalized ableism and allthat#it's hard dealing with so many issues at once feeling like it's 'too many' which like in the first place is not a thing#with the combination of comorbidities and the fact that like. trauma can continue to happen to you and create More Disorders#at the end of the day i just gotta remind myself that i'm very much not doing this for fun lmfao#i just. have these issues. and am doing my best to deal with em#also doesn't help having a huge fear of 'being wrong' but! I'm working on that so it's not as much of an issue as it used to be#anyway. was just on my mind
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Math class is genuinely a huge detriment to my mental health. Every single time I'm in one I'm THIS CLOSE to having a hysterical fit over it. I know it's dumb and childish and if I just sat down and tried to figure it all out for a couple hours I'd probably get it but ffs I just cannot handle it
#every scribbled out wrong answer in my notebook is a reminder how much of a failure I am#a genuinely don't understand maths#like i can fo the basics but as soon as letters get added into it past the simplest equations is when problems start#i can't do it anymore#i can't tell if I'm actually dumb as bricks or what this shouldn't be that hard#it's not like i have discalculia or whatever it's called#i see whats written just fine they don't jump around or anything i just never remember the formulas for solving#and my parents keep yelling at me for it#and i feel so sick after each and every day with a maty lesson that i end up unintentionally starving myself#and my stimming gets a lot more intense and i end up hurting myself#im so tired
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Suddenly realizing part of the reason nobody hasn't taken me to get an ID is most likely because they didn't want to registering to vote this year (I am the only adult in the house who wouldn't be voting for trump)
#I have been asking them and reminding them all year that I need to get one#and everyone keeps telling me they'll find the documents I need and that they'll take me down to get one#but like. it's november now ans they still haven't#part of me feels like it's because my family wants to keep me dependent on them#and then oart of me feels like it's because they didn't want me voting#like. idk what to do anymore#I am at the mercy of my family qith a lot of things#if they don't wanf to do somrthign I can't make them do it#as long as I still need a place to live I can't really do much and jt sucks#every single day i'm praying that somehow my mental illness will like. stop being so bad somehow#so i can make friends and maybe some day have someone i can live with so i can move out finally#maybe then i'll be able to do Literally anything an adult does
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i am having a weird day and gonna rant about it in the tags one more time before i go to bed!
#i am so excited about this fic but i can't seem to get anything written for it today!#which is fine#a day off is okay#but when i try to take a break from that i of course flip over to the social apps#so i wind up on discord where i am viscerally reminded fuck ai#as i see the chatgpt bot one of my discords refuses to disable...#calling a person clearly in an active suicidal crisis “whiny”#just jesus christ not what i or they needed to see today#i'm also bitter bc no one cared any time i was talking about suicide and i am glad this person is getting support#but i'm allowed to be jealous at the same time because i had to get through it all myself#and i repeat i'm glad they're getting support#but asking for support should not include the way they've been coming into my dms KNOWING explicitly my history#only for them to detail how they want to die no matter what i say and that they're going to do it and here's when and here's maybe how#i can only help so much and your response to it is to take and take and then suck me dry so i can't have peace in my own evenings#they say sorry every other time#then they get drunk and come do it again a few weeks later
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