#I'm aware that the consequences could have been way more severe than just feeling a pang whenever I remember my shit is gone

[polygondotcomvideoproducer]

*hears "it's me boy the ps5" and sheds a single tear*

[howtofightwrite]

Since adrenaline makes it easier to ignore pain, I’m wondering how severe an injury can be before adrenaline isn’t enough to allow a person to keep fighting

Fatal.

The scary thing about adrenaline is that you can suffer a mortal wound and not realize it until you drop dead. If you've ever seen the, “humans are space orcs,” meme, adrenaline is a big part of that. If you don't finish someone off, they are still a potential threat until they are clinically dead.

While it may seem slightly comical, the image of someone literally checking themselves for holes after being shot at is a real practice with genuine purpose. If they had an adrenaline rush, they might not be able to tell that they've been hit, and will need to physically examine themselves to ensure they're not bleeding to death without realizing it. (And, yes, that can absolutely happen.)

As a general rule, anything that will immediately kill someone, such as decapitation or catastrophic head trauma, will stop someone through an adrenaline rush. Destruction of the skeletal structure, (which is to say, destroying joints), might not completely stop them, but it's an injury they won't be able to power through (even if they aren't immediately aware of it.)

It's a little worse than I'm making it sound, too, because you can suffer non-fatal injuries during an adrenaline rush, and then aggravate the wound to the point that it becomes life threatening (or life-altering.) An adrenaline rush can, potentially, persist for over an hour.

In most cases, the adrenaline rush will drop off within a few minutes of the threat passing, though the state of threat is assessed by your brain, so your psychological state heavily affects that. Meaning, if you feel threatened, even if the actual danger has passed, the rush could continue (though it will usually drop off after, roughly, an hour.)

The “good” news is that an adrenaline rush will not prevent you from bleeding to death. So, if someone has been shot multiple times and is bleeding out, they'll still lose consciousness. You just need to make sure that they're actually incapacitated. Not that it matters, but as a minor up-side, adrenaline is delivered via the circulatory system, meaning if you start seriously bleeding, that's your adrenaline rush going with it, so the rush is likely to drop off prematurely in the event of fatal blood loss.

I'm not completely sure what the subjective experience is there. Catastrophic blood loss during an adrenaline rush is not something I have personal experience with, and my experiences with bleeding while dealing with an adrenaline rush is more just that bleeding is an extremely annoying inconvenience, when you don't need to consider what's happening. (To be clear, that's not just a glib dismissal, being aware of bleed was actually annoying. It might sound hilarious to be pissed off at your own blood leaking down the side of your face, but that was my experience. Also, for the record, I did not feel the gash that I was bleeding from, and angrily rubbed it a few times before realizing I'd been injured.)

The short answer to your question, “how much severely do you need to injure someone through an adrenaline rush?” You need to kill them.

That said, killing them is absolutely not your only option. Less than lethal devices, such as tasers or chemical sprays, can absolutely incapacitate someone under an adrenaline rush, without severely harming them. Similarly, restraints, and other submission techniques can be used to hold them down. In the case of restraints and submission holds, there is a danger of the individual injuring themselves, while they try to work their way out of the hold, but that risk is still vastly preferable to killing them on the spot.

Adrenaline is a very potent survival tool, in your physiology, and if you try to simply overpower that tool through direct force, it will lead to catastrophic consequences. However, alternative methods (in particular, shorting out someone's nervous system with a direct electrical charge, or simply interfering with the mechanical structure of their joints, can be just as effective at stopping them with far less dire consequences.

-Starke

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[bluesest]

A guy telling his boyfriend who is sitting on the toilet to hold in his diarrhea and beg for release

A Holding Boyfriend

My boyfriend and I had a great amazing date where we went to a critically acclaimed restaurant called: "The evening", it was an amazing night and the dishes were a total delight:

As an entrance they gave us a glass with 10 shrimp, they looked incredible and my boyfriend devoured most of them, I wanted to stop him because he was aware of what happens to his stomach when he consumes any type of seafood, but when I told him he replied:

Boyfriend: "It's not for so much love, I prefer the taste and suffer the consequences, because I tell you that this is totally delicious"

Me: "It won't be nice when... forget it"

I stopped at that precise moment, my neurons agreed that this could lead to a situation that was quite ... interesting.

10 minutes of anecdotes and laughter passed, the waiter gave us the main course: "Filet Mignon" with potatoes and asparagus, we had several sauces to choose from but my boyfriend's favorites were: "Brown Sauce" made from celery, onion, meat broth, garlic, among other ingredients, and also the classic barbecue sauce, all these made in an artisanal way, It was an amazing dinner at an amazing restaurant, we paid the bill and with a great feeling in our stomachs we left the establishment.

When I got into the car my boyfriend said some words that would leave me cold:

Boyfriend: "I think it's better to leave the windows open"

Me: "But it's very cold out there"

Boyfriend: "My stomach is baking something heavy, I think it wasn't a good idea after all"

Me: "I warned you"

Boyfriend: "But I don't regret it"

He started leaning quickly, held the steering wheel tightly and let out a giant gas, I never thought he would be able to match something like that.

*PPFPFPFPFPFPTTTTTTTTTTTT*

Boyfriend: "Ufffff that was a good one"

I blushed at the time, me and he have been together for at least 3 years where we have acquired a small apartment and I had never heard or smelled a fart like that in the time I live with him.

Neither he nor I bothered at that moment, as a couple we have witnessed many things from each other including our embarrassments, he is usually quite open to these issues and has no shame at all about farting at least in front of me, it is something I admire about him, his trust towards me to show something that you would never show someone, even if it is something as "disgusting" but natural as farts.

He began to laugh sheepishly while I enjoyed the natural smell of his intestines invading my nostrils touching them softly like a light, pleasant scent of a small flower between his large, tight buttocks.

He began to feel his stomach with his left hand as he paid attention to the road and said:

Boyfriend: "I feel gassy"

My eyes shone with those words, I didn't want to be an obstacle to him so I said:

Me: "Fart freely, don't worry about me"

Boyfriend: "Are you sure? I mean... doesn't it bother you?"

I put my hand on his stomach and said, "I like every part of you" and then I started to lower my hand to his crotch releasing some of the sexual pressure I felt and couldn't hold, just the smell that was locked in the car served as an aphrodisiac for me.

Boyfriend: "You should take that hand out of there"

Me: "Why?"

*PPFPTPPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTF* *PRRRRRR*

I was immediately surprised and automatically began to grab his crotch more tightly:

Boyfriend: "Calm down there babe, I don't want your hand to stink of shrimp and meat"

Me: "You know me, I like your meat"

Boyfriend: "hahahaha... I can't believe we're doing this while I'm driving and farting."

Me: "I can't believe this is heating me up"

Boyfriend: "Don't worry, very soon we will arrive at the apartment *PFFTFTTFTFTFTFTFTFT* and the bathroom"

It was 10 minutes on the road where I tried to ignore my farting boyfriend, in total he farted about 3 before arriving, but it was impossible for me to think of anything other than his tight buttocks vibrating from the air that comes out.

Entering the apartment I try to kiss him and continue releasing the tension, but he stops me and says:

Boyfriend: "Not now, I must visit the bathroom for a moment"

Me: "From 1 to 10, how much do you need to go to the bathroom?"

Boyfriend: "like a 6, but the more time passes the more I will want to"

Me: "That means you'll be able to hold on for a while longer."

Boyfriend: "I don't know..."

Me: "It will be quick, let's go"

Boyfriend: "Okay, I guess I'll hold on a little longer before... *PPPFFTFTTFTF* uuppss now went up to a 7"

We both started to hug each other, I took the first step and started to lower my hand and grabbed his left buttock with passion while he began to kiss me and guided me to our bed where we let ourselves fall without separating our bodies and lips, he began to moan very low shyly while my hand went up his entire back.

*PPPFFFFTFTFTTF*

He stopped kissing me and his face moved away from mine, with a look full of passion and shame he told me: "Babe, I really need to go to the bathroom", I pretending not to have heard him I started to lower my hand again and this time I put it under his underwear touching his bare buttock feeling a little sweat and chills from his big butt.

However, while I was caressing his buttocks he touched my arm and said: 

Boyfriend: "Hey, you just realized you put your hand under my underpants seconds after I fart, didn't you?" 

Me: "I know, but I don't care, you're irresistible."

Boyfriend: "Even if it smells like rotten eggs?"

Me: "Even if you're shit on yourself, I'll love you"

Boyfriend: "Then I'll check if that's true."

He started staring me in the eye as he applied some pressure to my arm and...*PFPPTPTPTPPFPFFTFTFTF* *PRRRR*

I was too surprised, not only by the fact that my biggest wet dreams came true, but also by the fact that I felt a few small drops on my hand, it could be sweat, but I would rather imagine that it was that thick mixture that is cooking in his stomach wanting to come out, and his comment gave me a clue.

Boyfriend: "That was a wet one... I must go to the bathroom"

Me: "But I just showed you that I don't care what your body does while we love each other."

Boyfriend: "I know, but now my desire has gone up to an 8, this is already serious"

Me: "And what would be the problem?"

Boyfriend: "That at any moment I could... make a mess"

For a moment I thought I was taking this too far, maybe he doesn't like this as much as I do, I started to feel guilty about forcing me to do something that my boyfriend doesn't like and dislikes, my lust left my body for a moment and I was about to give my boyfriend "Permission" to go to the bathroom once and for all and maybe continue with this without the factor Farting and diarrhea wouldn't be as interesting, but those thoughts left my head when I heard him say, "But I could take it longer, babe."

He said it with a mischievous smile and eyes full of passion and desire, he put both his hands behind my head and pushed it gently and slowly towards his head, where our lips collided again with even more passion than the first time, now he was the one who began to hug me and caress my back and I innocently wanted to do the same as him and I started to take my hand out of his ass to carry it behind him but he stopped me: "You said you didn't care if I suck right? Then you will NOT take that hand off my ass" and without warning he farted violently and wetly: *PPFPPFPPTPPPTTTTFFFFTFTFT* *PRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR*

I groaned suddenly, even I was surprised and my boyfriend started laughing:

Boyfriend: "hahaha, I can't believe you did that when I farted"

Me: "Don't say stupid things, that was just a mixture of surprise and passion, that fart only surprised me and that's it"

Boyfriend: "Sure?" *PPPFTFTFTFTFTFF* *PPRPRPRPRPRPR* *PFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTTTTT*

I moaned again and was embarrassed to one more, but I felt my boyfriend's hand gently touching my cheek which managed to calm me down.

Boyfriend: "But at least I know you're serious when you say you love me."

Me: "Hahahaha enough of being ashamed"

Boyfriend: "I... *PFTFTFTFT* uffff... I'm serious, I was ashamed"

Me: "Shame?"

Boyfriend: "Embarrassment when I had to play the two while you were in the apartment, I was sorry that you heard or smelled, I always read on the internet that the main reasons for couple separations were because of this type of taboo subject?"

Me: "But why? If everyone does it"

Boyfriend: "It's just that... *PPPFTFTFTFTFTFTTF* aghhh, I think it's up to a 9 now, it's already dangerous at this point"

Me: "You don't have to be ashamed, at least not with me because you already know that I love you no matter if..."

Boyfriend: "I shit on myself... *GRRRRRRRRR* ohhhh stop for a moment... here comes a big one..."

Me: "Don't worry, you know I don't care"

Boyfriend: "I know... aghhh *PPPFTPTPTPTPTFFT* *PPRPRPRRRRRRRRRRR* *PFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFFTF* *PRRRRRRRRRRR* *GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR*"

We both stopped at that moment, he had a face of fear and shame which I didn't understand the reason until I felt a strange thick hot liquid that was where I understood everything.

I immediately pulled my hand out of his butt making it even more muddy, but I didn't do it because I was disgusted but because I wanted to see the mess my hand became when he expelled that rancid diarrhea mixture.

My boyfriend finally reacted to what had happened, he stood up and got out of bed, turned to look at me again, directed his gaze towards my hand with diarrhea and then to my face something shocked, and with shame in his eyes and in his voice he said: "Sorry, I think I measured wrong... It wasn't a 9, it was an 11"

After saying that, he walked making small jumps to take off his underwear with a big brown stain with lumps and once naked he went to the bathroom of our room without closing the door and before sitting on the toilet I took his arm which surprised him and turned quickly.

Let me tell you that it's not the first time I've seen him naked or vice versa, we were a couple after all, but it's the first time that his completely naked body almost gave me a heart attack, his ass stained with brown diarrhea, his big penis and his face of shame but that denotes a little passion made lust take control of my body and caused me to stop him before he released his stomach.

Boyfriend: "Babe, I know we were on to something, but I really have to go *GRRRRRRR* went up to 12"

Me: "I think you could hold on a little longer..."

Boyfriend: "Definitely not!"

Me: "You're a strong man, of course you can"

Boyfriend: "Babe didn't you see my underpants? I literally ruined them!"

Me: "Come on, they're not so bad, I can buy a whole box if you want"

Boyfriend: "I'm shitting, I need the toilet NOW!!"

Me: "And I need you NOW!!!"

The atmosphere became tense, we both screamed in desperation, but I definitely shouldn't have done that for a sexual game, I still wasn't sure if he liked that idea or was even enjoying everything that happened.

We both remained silent, he, even naked, stared at me with a bit of confusion while I couldn't look him in the eye because of how embarrassed he was.

Boyfriend: "Wow that's definitely not you, what's wrong with you, is there anything I can help you with?"

Me: "It's nothing, just that I really wanted to continue..."

He started to approach me slowly and gave me a hug, I felt his crotch harden, although to tell the truth I don't know if it was HIS crotch or mine, and with a soft voice he told me:

Boyfriend: "That has nothing to do with what we were doing, tell me the truth, I don't want to do something that bothers you..."

With shame and a trembling voice he had no choice but to confess.

Me: "This will sound weird or even disgusting to you, and I don't want you to think that about me..."

Boyfriend: "You are a beautiful man, sexy from head to toe and someone intelligent who always makes me laugh in my best moments or accompanies me in my worst moments, nothing you say is going to change my opinion of you or the love I feel for you"

His face slowly approached me and began to kiss me softly.

Me: "You see... I... I like what it's all about... well..."

Boyfriend: "Be confident"

Me: "I... I like it..."

Boyfriend: "Go ahead"

Me: "I LIKE TO SEE PEOPLE HAVE DIARRHEA, IT MAKES ME REALLY HOT TO SEE THEM IN A SITUATION LIKE THAT!!"

Boyfriend: "..."

Me: "It's... a fetish..."

I finally confessed, but... silence says more than a thousand words, doesn't it? He didn't say anything, at that moment I thought his face was one of contempt, disgust and horror, if he were honest and was in his reactionary position the same. I froze, I didn't know what to do, but...

Boyfriend: "hahahahaha..."

Me: "Why are you laughing?"

Boyfriend: "Let's say I have the perfect partner"

He kissed me again, then he moved away and with a funny but gallant look he says to me: 

Boyfriend: "I'm proud that you put your trust in me and that's why I love you, besides, that fetish is called Scat, just so that you are more informed"

Me: "Wait... Are you?"

Boyfriend: "I've never tried it before, but let's just say I'd really like to try it with you love"

This time I started kissing him, I couldn't believe it, he was definitely the perfect man for me... *GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR* He turned his face away from mine and said: 

Boyfriend: "All these emotions made me forget that I had to shit"

Me: "Hey... sorry for going too far, if you want I will leave you alone"

Boyfriend: "Don't you remember what I told you? I would like to try this... and I want you to be my guide"

Me: "Are you sure?"

Boyfriend: "Of course, but you better hurry, if I don't sit on that toilet right now... I think we will have to clean the floor"

I laughed shyly and we both moved towards the bathroom where I wonder: "what should I do now?"

I stopped for a moment, I didn't know what to do either because I had never been in a situation like this and I decided to start with something classic and simple:

Me: "How about something to hold on?"

Boyfriend: "Wasn't that what I've been doing all this time?"

Me: "Yes, but this time you'll push it to the limit, now sit on the toilet."

Boyfriend: "Like orders"

He went straight to the toilet, when he turned his back to me I could notice his big sweaty butt and a slight tightening of buttocks, you could tell from afar that he could barely move and prevent his entire interior from coming out in a violently explosive way.

A cold and short sound indicated that his butt kissed the porcelain, he raised his sexy gaze and looked me straight in the eyes waiting for my next order:

Me: "Just hold on until you can't take it anymore..."

Boyfriend: "Really? No kind of game or something?"

Me: "I'm new to this just like you!"

*GRRRRRRRRR*

Boyfriend: "I think my stomach is new to this too"

Me: "Let me hear your opinion"

Boyfriend: "Okay"

He subtly leaned into the seat, raising his butt as high as he could where he expelled a vibrating and loud fart: 

*PPPPPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFTTTTTT* *PRRRRRRRRRRRRR*

I could see small brown drops shoot out of his butt which at this point was so tight that it could easily break a nut.

Me: "Hey! You're cheating when you're farting"

Boyfriend: "I'm sorry babe, but at this point my body controls itself" 

He made the same motion to let loose an even bigger fart

*PPFPPTPTTPTPTPFFFTFTFTFTF* *PRRRRRR*

I couldn't tell if his little moan was one of pain or enjoyment, but I had no doubt that both parties enjoyed this little experience. I began to approach me:

*GRRRRRRRR* *PFFFFTTTT*

Boyfriend: "Oh! My intestines are burning"

Me: "Maybe I can help you with that..."

I slowly brought my hands closer to his stomach and began to caress him delicately making small circles one at a time.

*PFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFT*

Boyfriend: "Ufffff, I thought that the objective was to make it impossible for me to explode, not to make it easier for me"

Me: "I want it to be a bigger challenge, plus being so close to you I can smell you better"

Boyfriend: "hmmmm~ you really know what you do right?" *PFFFTTT*

Me: "Of course... The smell is amazing, how did you get your stomach to smell like a landfill?"

Boyfriend: "hmm~ I will confess something to you hmm~ in the morning I had a big cup of coffee..."

Me: "Knowing you and your stomach must have been a headache to endure that smell at work"

Boyfriend: *PFFTFTFTFTFTFTFT* "ugh, not at all, I thought I was going to shit about half an hour later, but hmmm~ it just didn't happen"

Me: "Really?"

Boyfriend: "No, it's hard to believe, but since the morning not a single fart came out, and I ate hot wings at lunch"

Me: "That would explain the dark brown color of those drops I saw..."

Boyfriend: "I thought that would make hmmmmm~ *PFTFTFTFT* go straight to the bathroom, but it didn't give a solution *PRRRRRRRRRR* I even heard several colleagues and even the boss destroy the office bathroom"

Me: "I can imagine the desperation of those poor men, but I am aware that out of all of them you would make the greatest disaster."

Boyfriend: "I'm happy I didn't at least touch those bathrooms with hot, sweaty toilet lids"

Me: "And it looks like someone else is happy too, doesn't it?"

His penis was completely erect, apparently the massages relaxed him enough so that the stress goes away and he can enjoy this in a more free and sexual way.

Boyfriend: "Like I told you, I can't control my body" *GRRRRRRRRRR*

Me: "Would you mind if...?"

Boyfriend: "Don't ask and do it!"

I lowered my head directly to his crotch, down there it smelled worse and I could see how the clear water of the toilet had small brown dots indicating that all the farts were wet.

I asked his to get up a little from the toilet, then I put my left hand behind me and started to touch his sweaty butt feeling how my hand gets hotter and hotter thanks to the oven generated inside the toilet.

*PFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTF* *PRRRRR* *PFFTFTFFF* *PPPPFTFTFTFFFFFTTTTTT*

Boyfriend: "oops, I hope it doesn't bother you..."

Me: "~Not at all~"

*GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR*

Boyfriend: "Fuck, I don't think I will resist for long"

Me: "Please, we've had sex longer than this."

Boyfriend: "I don't mean that! I mean my stomach, it's starting to burn."

Me: "Be a man and endure like one"

Boyfriend: "I'll expel everything and we'll continue with this later"

Me: "That wasn't the love deal, and you know it~"

I could smell it, the smell of despair, he began to sweat more and I could feel drops of sweat falling on my hair and arms as he slowly lost control.

*PFTFTFTFTFTFTF* *PFTFTFFFFTFTPPPPPPFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTTTTT* *PRRRRTRRRRRR*

Boyfriend: "hmmmmm~ my stomach hurts a lot, please release me my love"

Me: "No, I want you to break a world record"

Boyfriend: "And I'll break it, but it'll be the size of the largest human excrement."

Me: "In your case they will have to weigh it in liters, by your farts you can tell that it will be liquid"

Boyfriend: "ohhh.... Please *PFTFTFTFTFTFT* I can't anymore... *PRRRRRRRR* More! *TRRRRRRRRRRR*"

Notice how his farts became more and more violent, in a few seconds his stomach will not resist and the great wall of his sphincter will break giving way to the brown army.

Me: "You're sweating a lot..."

Boyfriend: "I know hahaha... but please, I can't resist much longer..." *PFFFTTTT* *GRRRRRRRRRR*

I raised my head and went to his lips and began to kiss him passionately, the atmosphere was heavy, it was very hot and even the smell had flooded the small room. When our lips parted, he said to me: 

Boyfriend: "I'm sorry Babe"

I passed so fast that I could hardly react, the first explosion echoed off the walls and I instinctively lowered my head to see the fireworks on the front page:

*PRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR* *PFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFFTTTT* *TRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR* *PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS* *GRRRRRR* *PFFFFFTTTTTT* *PFFFFFFFFFFFTTFTTF*

He doesn't stop moaning, while from my perspective I can see a large fountain staining the white porcelain of the toilet that I always worry about seeing it clean, but still I don't care at all, I can always clean it at any time, but this doesn't happen again, or at least I've never experienced it before.

*SQHSQHQSHSQHSSSHSHSHSHHHHHHHHH* *PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTT* *PRRRRR* *PLOP* *PLOP* *PRRRRRRRRRRRR* *TRRRRRRRR* *BLRRRRRSSSHHHHHHH* *PFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTT* *PFFFFTT* *PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPRRRRRRRRRRRR*

Jet after jet fell impacting the water like a strong hurricane into the ocean, the few solid pieces looked like meteorites causing large explosions of brown water as they crashed into the large polluted ocean.

Boyfriend: "oh... wow, I've never shit like this in my life *GRRRRRRRRR* ughhhh"

*PFFFFFTTFTFTFTFTFF* *PRPRPRPRPRPRPRPR* *SHQHQSHQSHQSHSSSHHSHSHQSHQSHSQQSQQSQS* *FFFFFFFTTTTTTTPPPPPPPP* *PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS* *SQSTSQRQSRSSSRSRSRQQQRQRQRRRRRRRRRRR*

Me: "I know, it was amazing, don't you think?"

Boyfriend: "Sure"

Me: "Now, do you want me to clean you down there?"

Boyfriend: "Of course"

[markpellegrinoimagines]

Soulmate V.2

Request: Could you do a soulmate with lucifer, He kidnaps her and she can see his wings.

Tw: Wing!kink, Smut, Kidnapping, Rough!Foreplay

-

Sam and Dean were always telling her that she was too bold. Unafraid of the consequences as she stared down adversaries wether they were demons, Or Angel's. It's most likely why she'd ended up in her current situation. Y/n had been trailing a demon for days now, the black eyed bastard was the best lead she had for tracking down an important artifact. She'd been stopped for the night, taking a much needed rest after days of stalking her prey.

That's when the dammed thing struck. She was fresh from a shower with a towel wrapped tightly around her form when pain exploded across the back of her head and the sight of her meager room went black, with her body hitting the floor with a loud thump.

Y/n felt feeling returning to her limbs, and her senses slowly slipped back into awareness. The first thing to hit her was the smell. It was musty, like old mildew and dust. The next was sound. Aged creaking of settling rafters and the squeak of old springs when she shifts against the uncomfortable surface she was laid upon.

Slowly and very carefully, Y/n pushed herself up until she could look around through hazy vision at what appeared to be an abandoned studio apartment. She was laid out in a dust covered bed and could feel the grit of it scraping across her skin. Not far from the bed was a living area with worn down couches and a coffee table with several layers of dust across its surface.

A chill sent shivers racing up and down her spine, and she snapped her gaze down. The damp towel shed been wrapped in after her shower was slipping loose, revealing bare skin, and she hurriedly pulled it tight, covering her extremities.

She slipped her legs over the edge of the bed and slowly ended up into her feet. The back of her skull throbbed with each movement, and the floor boards creaked under her feet. Couldn't the demon have waited until she at least had some clothes on?

There wasn't a single article of fabric she could use to cover herself. The place was picked clean, and she wasn't willing to come in contact with those bed sheets any longer than she'd already had.

"Oh fuck me.."

A dark chuckle and a freezing cold filled the room, making her whip around until she was facing the new threat. "Was that an invitation? I'm flattered, Little Human..." Glaciap blue eyes slid up and down her form, lingering on the lower hem of the towel. "Did you dress this way just for me~?"

Lucifer waited for her response. This was his first time meeting the little hunter that was often seen around the Winchester boys. She was quite the sight. He'd been expecting more flannel and crass remarks. Not this sweet little human with wide e/c eyes. In fact... it was as if she wasn't even looking at him. Her gaze was locked up and over his shoulder and her pupils were trembling with what he could only assume was awe.

Y/n had paused in what she'd been planning to say as she watched the large shimmering mass shift behind the form of the tall blue-eyed blonde. The more she focused on the ethereal mass, the more detailed it became. Six large arching wings hung from the man's back, They were a smokey silver tipped in burnt Pink and veins of glittering gold through every quill. Each shift sent a wave of ash to the floor.

They were gorgeous. Their unique and tragic beauty had her completely captured by awe. The urge to run her fings through the mass of feathers was strong. She completely zoned out the Blondes words.

Lucifer was feeling his patience wain. He'd wanted long enough, and the human hadn't even met his gaze for a mere second. Did she believe she was better than him? He slowly stalked forward, an angry frown beginning to pull at the edge of his lips before it lifted into a cruel grin. She still wasn't meeting his eyes.

His fingers closed around the weak column of her neck. She was so vulnerable and frail.. He ignored the small thrill that ran through him as he examined the way his vessels hand looked around her throat.

He could feel her pulse hammering away beneath the pads of his fingers. The beat, a salacious dance, tempted him in closer as he eyed her with glowing red eyes.

"I'll not be ignored by a sniveling little Mud-"

"Your wings are so beautiful...~"

Lucifers jaw shut with a clack of teeth and a crack of the joint. Her words echoed in his skull, buzzing around his grace. What did she just say?

His fingers tightened further and was soon joined by his other hand, caging in her cheeks.

"Repeat that, Now!?"

Y/n swallowed as an embered heat warmed her lower belly. A small hint of concern ebbed its way through the back of her mind. All logic was seeping out of her ears in the presence of this angel. It was just her luck she somehow managed to capture the interest of Lucifer, and now she couldn't even keep her head on straight. His hands squeezing her vulnerable throat should not be making her nearly as hot bother as it is.

"I said, You're wings are beautiful... I.."

Lucifers thoughts were moving a mile a second, A mate.. A soulmate..

Out of all the things his father could have done.. A human soulmate..

A humorless chuckle slipped past his lips. Was this his punishment? His eyes once again trailed down her toweled form, and the cleavage he could see wrapped loosely in its soft hold. His smirk grew as something settled over him..

Or maybe it wasnt..~

"You know little human~ I had you grabbed because of your relation to the winchesters. But it's seems," His slowly slid up one of his hands to run his fingers through h/l h/c locks, "I've found a different reason to keep you around..."

He watched her brows furrow in confusion, only to lift in alarm when chilled lips descend om her own. Capturing them in a demanding and devouring press. Two prodding tips slowly pride her lips open until he was able to twirl his split tongue around her warm muscle.

Y/n was lost the second his lips brushed hers. The low embers in her gut flared to life in an explosion of desire and need as she raised trembling hands to press almost uncertainly into the soft mass of feathers. That one touch unlocked the flood works as lucifer trembled against her and a dark needy groan was growled into her open mouth.

Freezing palms hooked underneath her bare thighs, and she barely recognized the twisting feeling of the world warping around her in a flurry of feathers and wind. Her back connected with silky smooth fabric as she was roughly pinned down against a soft bouncy surface.

Y/n cracked open her eyes and pulled her lips from the angels, scanning their new surroundings. The room was dark with an arched ceiling. The bed she'd been pressed down into had a large canopy hung above with deep red curtains closing them inside.

Soon, her attention was being drawn back to lucifer. Unable to stray away for long. E/c eyes widened considerably as she takes in the swath of bared skin. When had he...?

"When.."

"Shhh..." A chilled finger pressed against her lips quieting her thoughts as he used his free hand to arrange her legs around his waist and situate his hardened length between slick folds.

Y/n whined low in her throat when those first few rolls of his hips had his tip knocking against her sensitive clit. When it catches against her dripping entrance before slipping up to bounce against that nub, she lets out a loud whimper.

"That's it, Just like that little Human~ let me hear your pleasure."

As soon as his finger slipped free from her lips, a loud moan of his name filled the space, "Lucifer!~"

It tapered off into a gasping and breathy mewl as the chilled flesh of his length began to stretch her open, inch by inch. Heels dug into his back, urging her forward until his hips were flush with her own, and he was growling possessive obscenities into the shell of her ear.

"Made just for me, my own little human.. to keep.. to claim and Fill~ All mine!" His hips snapped harshly into the Crease of her thighs, carving her dripping walls open with every body jolting lunge of hips. The obscene smack of thighs was accompanied with gasping mewls from his little souldmates lips.

"Lu-Lucifer!! Ah~ Harder..please~!"

His response was a growl and glowing red eyes. Blunt chilled nails dug divots into her waist, holding her in place, giving him more leverage with every thrust. She could already feel the coil tightening up in her gut, threatening to snap at any second. It seemed even the Archangel rutting her into the sheets was needing the edge of pleasure.

A tsunami of ecstasy threatening to drown them both within the coiling Abyss of need sinking its claws into them both. Lucifers hands slipped up her waist until his palms were caging her cheeks and pulling her melting lips to meet his own in a possessive kiss. Her owns fingers slunk up and around his shoulders to trail teasingly along the muscled ridge of his wings.

They shuttered against her touch, and then she sank her hands into the feathers. It was all Lucifer needed to be sent crashing over the edge, his teeth scraping teasingly against her bottom lip.

Y/ns legs tightened around his hips as a warmth spread through her lower gut, Lucifer rolled his hips, pressing his release deeper into her core with every grunt and meeting of flesh. Her little whimpers were music to his ears as he nipped his teeth against her shoulder.

"You won't be leaving this bed, I'll have you begging me for my touch, Mewling and crying for more~"

He watched her cheeks flush, and he could barely restrain himself as he felt those little human fingers once again tease through ashen feathers.

"Please, Lucifer~ Don't stop.."

-

[grapejuicegay]

A... rather personal defense of Pran

I've seen a lot of people being confused about Pran's behaviour and rather upset by him. But like @waitmyturtles said in their review, "I see Pran dealing with something really complicated." Which, yes. That's what this post is about. I just don't think it's about Singapore.

It's about Pran's OCD. I think there was a consensus last week with the way Pran talked about it that it was a recent diagnosis. And I think this episode just confirmed that for me.

This is where the personal part begins - I was diagnosed with OCD in 2020, in the very first few months of covid. When I told people about it I got about the same response that we had to Pran - it's not surprising but it's good that it's an official diagnosis now.

Such a diagnosis is almost a relief when you get it because suddenly a lot of things start making sense. But it also comes with a very fun challenge - learning to deal with it. Because while you understand why you get so much more anxious and overthink more than most people, you're also suddenly more aware of your thought patterns. You have to be, to find a way to work through them, to not give into the intrusive thoughts. But looking at the intrusive thoughts is one of the best ways to let them take over. You do have to look at them though, because you have to learn to recognise them. Because you cannot deal with them until you do. It's a rough cycle.

I was a few years older than Pran when I was diagnosed, and in a very different place in my life. The pandemic that we didn't know a lot about at that time looming over our heads did not help my anxiety, but the lockdown gave me something really special - time and space to work through it all. I wasn't in college so I didn't have the constant looming threat of deadlines and figuring out my future in that very moment. I also didn't have the very unique set of stressors Pran lives with - friends and family from whom you're hiding a relationship that if revealed could potentially lead to very severe consequences, consequences that in the past have been the worst of his anxieties come to life. Nor a relationship to maintain while being overtly aware at all times that this is not the kind of relationship your partner would really want, that they're only in this because of you.

And there is the sacrifice of it all. There is the thing that keeps coming up again and again - that Pat does so much for him. That Pat helps him all the time, that Pat's sacrificed so much for him, that Pran isn't sure he's good enough or ever will be.

Add to that the regular reminders from Pat that he overthinks. They're meant in a very good way and they do help in the moment, I'm not denying that at all. But it's also a fact that Pran struggles with. It adds to his concern that he's a burden on Pat with the way he thinks, that Pat has to do so much work because of Pran's brain, something Pat had no say over (something Pran had no say over but it's harder to see it like that in the moment).

I've had my diagnosis for the past 3 years now. And it hasn't been until the past year that I've finally started feeling confident in myself and my ability to regulate my anxiety, to finally start feeling like I have control over my brain. Because as much as knowing the diagnosis helps, the work you have to do afterwards is no joke.

So yes, Pran is going through something very heavy, but it's not the prospect of going to Singapore (I don't believe that exists just yet, but it's coming soon). Pran is in the process of figuring out how to make his brain work in his favour instead of actively against him. He's learning to rely on people when he needs to while fighting off constant reminders that he's a burden.

And we've seen Pran make a lot of progress. Any points at which he talks about being anxious are progress. Any time he lets himself be upset is progress. Any time time he says any of his worries out loud (even if he can't say them directly to Pat yet), he has fought his way through who knows how many intrusive thoughts to get to that point. And in the same regard - he probably feels guilty about having Pat say "I can't live without you" first. Because he's likely just as aware that Pat has done so much for him that this is just another thing he's adding on top of that.

But - and I think this is very big - he knows that he needs Pat to say it first, to give him permission to feel this, that this isn't too much for him to ask for. This is him asking for help to express himself when he feels like too much. It helps them both in the long run. And I do think it's a very important step to get what we saw in ep 12 - a Pran that demands love, that demands to be babied. This is him giving himself permission through the hardest part of learning his diagnosis.

I love that we get this between ep 11 and 12 because with this ep 12 also becomes a hug, a way of telling us things may be rough for him but he gets through it. He'll get where he needs to be, wants to be. Just give him some time. Because just like with the parents, sometimes time is just what you need.

[qcoded]

Small Analysis on Belos/Philip, and the many chances at Redemption he missed.

I think the reason why I loved the scene in Watching and Dreaming were The Collector hugged Belos while saying "I get it! You just need kindness and forgiveness, huh?" was because it encapsulated perfectly how many chances Belos didn't take to fucking redeem himself.

I think we all kinda know that if he was just self aware, and reflected on the shit he did for ONE damn second, maybe, just maybe he could have turned out way better than what ended up happening.

Analyzing his backstory and what we can decide actually happened with Caleb (mostly based on all the pictures that were released from Hollow Mind with additional ones), it's not like he was ever exempt from sympathy, don't get me wrong.

Can't really go into the reality that Caleb, being Philip's sole guardian, most likely abandoned him to go with Evelyn into the Boiling Isles (not with bad intentions but still) since THAT'S a whole 'nother can of worms, but like hey! It's fucking understandable, who wouldn't be hurt by that?

But at the same time, what Belos decided to do, it was all on his own accord.

It was all his own decisions tha he could have actually thought on but no! He was too stuck in his delusional beliefs.

Could have stopped anywhere. After he killed Caleb. After he was tricking and offing witches and demons. After the whole encounter with Luzura/Luz and Gertrude/Lilith. After the making of the Grimwalkers began. After instilling glyphs on witches.

There are probably more examples, but basically, Belos had so many damn chances.

But nope! Never took them.

And again, The Collector was so willing to forgive him, even after manipulating and using this kid for centuries on end. After all the horrific shit that Belos has done, there was still a sliver of hope for him to actually just think, 'What am I doing? '

Of course, that didn't happen. It was a 'Friendship is Magic, but gone wrong' and he attempted to kill The Collector once again.

You know what's the best part of this? That there's a scene that just adds onto what I'm saying perfectly.

Later on when Luz revived into the super cool form that is Titan!Luz, she ripped out Belos from the titan's curse. And when he reformed again, he turned into his Philip Wittebane look.

And he had the fucking audacity to blame that dark magic (presumably his curse) was the one who made him commit all those horrendous acts.

This would make pretty much be his very first, and only attempt towards redemption.

But the thing is, it's too late.

Belos threw out his very last chance at redemption with The Collector.

And now? He has nothing more but than to deal with the ultimate consequences that have been building up.

This is also why I'm not that mad that Belos wasn't shown to finally realize the severity of what he has done, or to feel all that built up guilt flow it.

It's because it shows amazingly how far up his ass he was in his beliefs that even when he was DYING, he was just too fucking stubborn.

The more ironic part, like I mentioned earlier, that 'dark magic' was pretty much just his curse. That I want to mention, is fucking SELF AFFLICTED. Belos was literally the one eating all those Palismen, which are the cause of the curse. He's quite literally blaming himself!

And even though he tried to claim that Luz somehow cured him, got quickly called out on his bullshit when the boiling rain revealed him to still be purely goop.

Till the last minute, he was trying to keep a facade that quite literally, crumbled.

TLDR; Belos ultimately gave up every chance to be a better person, and he pretty much got what was coming for him.

[karliahs]

fic writer interview!!

tysm @plusultraetc for the tag!! <3

How many works do you have on AO3?

50 exactly!

What's your total AO3 word count?

234,906, almost half of which (110k) was written/posted this year. insane!!

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

darken your door (12,832)

walk a mile (5642)

swan dive (4857)

rescue (3905)

something else to pretend (3,572)

there's a theme here and it's bnha fics i wrote in 2019/2020

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

yes!! with several asterisks i'll get into in a minute. i try to respond to every comment i get because:

i genuinely really appreciate that anyone takes the time to tell me they liked a fic when they could just consume it and say nothing with 0 consequences, so i want to say thank you

some comments have a rly big impact on me - change the way i feel about stuff, contain phrases i remember for a really long time, make me cry, etc - and just like how if someone writes a fic that impacts me then i want to tell them, i want to tell people how much their comment mattered

i often only figure out why i did something or made certain choices in a fic until someone prompts me to talk about it. it's such a useful exercise for understanding my own work better

i genuinely adore rambling about my fics, it's arguably more fun than writing them in the first place

it's really nice getting to chat to commenters and get to know people!

however. there is a 3-4 year period where i didn't reply to any comments at all because i got overwhelmed and then felt like it was too late to try and catch up. this still haunts me a little bit because i got some really lovely impactful comments in that era but it just feels too weird to reply literally like 5 years late 😭

2nd asterisk is some fics i feel kind of embarrassed about and so don't reply to comments on, 3rd is that i'm bad at managing my comments inbox so i'm sure i miss people out by accident sometimes, and 4th is that if i don't have anything nice to say then i won't respond...i get almost no comments i think are intentionally meant to be rude, but sometimes i get ones that rankle for one reason or another and i won't reply if i'm just gonna be tetchy bc again, i don't think they're meant badly

so very much a yes in theory but not in practice 😂

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

bargaining chips i think. the funny thing about that series is that in some ways i think things would ultimately turn out better than in canon (there's a reason the 2nd fic has akechi promise to contact ren if he does survive, a thing that would have paid off in the 3rd fic i never finished). but as of bargaining chips it's very much...this is the POV of a person who thinks the only power they have left in the world is to hurt people

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

my usual ending is like bittersweet and/or hopeful, so for example i feel a lot of things about the cathertic (for me at least) endings for redux and something else to pretend and unwanted, but idk if they can exactly be called happy.

going to my pure silly fluff fics instead where we pretty much start happy and end happy: to work, to rest which ends with the gang being happy about stickers, or class pets which ends with class a getting three (3) cats

Do you write crossovers?

nope!

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

not really! probably the closest was someone commenting on pathologised with just "WHERE IS YUSUKE?" in all caps 🙄 "why isn't my fave dude in your fic" is not a genre of comment i enjoy, though it's usually phrased more politely than that at least

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

nope!

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i'm aware of, though it's apparently fairly rampant in bnha fandom with those "what if deku [x]" youtube videos. i think those are reserved for fics with actual plots though

Have you ever had a fic translated?

i think i've been asked for permission for people to do so before, but i don't think i've ever actually seen anything posted...someone did translate a little section of one fic into spanish in a bookmarker comment once, which was very fun because i remember little bits of spanish from school & years of sporadic duolingo

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

no but i think it would be so fun 👀

What's your all-time favorite ship?

mannnn i just cannot care about romantic ships the way that seems to be so ubiquitous in fandom. even when i try and write romance it ends up as like ambigious tenderness or Friendship With Vibes. the few times i've even written kissing it's been just a build up to a kiss after which the fic immediately fades to black, which is really funny in retrospect like...buddy, is that because you stop caring about what's happening once the kissing starts?

i am fond of erasermic, jontim and shindeku, though i enjoy them as platonic dynamics pretty much the same amount

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

it mostly doesn't bother me to have tons of unfinished WIPs, i don't really put that expectation that everything i start will or should get finished/posted.

so the only one that genuinely bugs me is the third fic in seen and not heard, because i feel like i kind of promised it to people and then didn't deliver, and because it would have properly concluded a series i know a few people really connected with...and because the draft got to like 80% done but i could just never finish it off in a way i was happy with. maybe someday though

there's also a more recent bnha fic draft that i am really fond of in some ways, but i just could not take the discourse i think it would inspire. i might finish it just for me someday

What are your writing strengths?

cribbing all these from comments honestly but i think i'm pretty good at real-feeling emotional responses to situations. emotional realism, maybe? and writing introspection/people thinking and feeling things in general.

my characterisation gets complimented a fair bit, which is funny bc i think i actually take a lot of liberties with canon characters, but i guess i'm decent at couching those liberties in a way that makes it pass muster most of the time. like passing off a counterfeit watch as genuine

i'm somewhat good with grounding things in sensory detail, but that's one of those things i think i'll always be trying to get better at

What are your writing weaknesses?

i've never met a plot in my life and i don't want to. i also can't write longfic. in real-world terms i'm a short story writer and not a novelist - all those structural narrative things people do to make a long-form story work are just mystifying to me. part of that is just driven by what interests me though - i don't read a lot of plotty longfic either

i'm also still working on improving syntax and flow in my prose in general, but that's another one of those endless projects i think

oh also having more than two people in a prolonged dialogue scene is wildly difficult to me

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

i have no thoughts on this matter!

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

merlin! i wrote probably bad merlin fic on ff.net back when i was like 15/16. it's actually the reason i joined tumblr in the first place, bc my fave merlin fic writer had a tumblr and i got curious

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

i'd like to write more about my silly little video game OCs. i've dabbled in it a bit before but i've never really invested in it because i know no one would read it/care. but i'm getting better at writing for myself and it is really fun to have records of these OCs that i love, so i hope i can write some stuff about the protag i make for new dragon age that i'll inevitably get deeply attached to

it's also kind of wild to me that i've never written for homestuck or dangan ronpa given the impact those two things had on my psyche

What's your favorite fic you've written?

my answer to this changes depending on the day but right now...something else to pretend my beloved

wow that got long. not tagging anyone but if you'd like to do it, consider yourself tagged!

[logarithmicpanda]

Dragon Age: The Veilguard - a full review

This is going to have extensive spoilers! the TL;DR is that I had a lot of fun with the game, a very good 8.5/10 overall, also be aware this is highly subjective to my experience as a DA fan

And I lied previously, I am actually doing a second run immediately as an Antivan Crow Rogue hehe

Gameplay

The Good

Actually functional map (I hated the Inquisition map that wouldn't actually let me know where I could walk)

Fun and dynamic combat, the animations are really pretty, the style is fluid

Combos are nice and a good alternative (at least to me) to the stilted strategy stuff. I liked not having to keep track of the companion's healthbar, only their attacks cooldowm

Not overwhelming with useless quests, everything feels tied up either to the companions storylines or to the main issues

Exploration feels nice, probably my favorite part

I realized fairly late in the game that I could boost the broken faction by selling valuables through the Crossroads ship! I think it's fun, and it makes sense, like you're giving supplies to the city that needs it! I wish the shop were in the city itself, but it was fun so I'll allow it

A bit of an occupational bias on my part but I enjoyed how easy the UI made things? Comparing new equipment as soon as you get it, ease in reassigning points in the skill trees...

It's not specific to this game but I really like that there isn't that many weapons/armors but that you gain levels on them. Also huzzah for getting rid of inventory limitation and allowing me to pick every single thing on the map like the gremlin I am. Also also, bonus points for the appearance override on stuff, love being able to be vain rather than wear whatever is stronger even when it's ugly haha

The Bad

The way some zones are blocked with no explanation or hint of when they will unlock is frustrating. I love backtracking when I get a new item/ability and that I can remember several places where to use it, not so much having to go back to random spots and just hope for the best.

Gift giving feels useless, there's barely one line of dialogue and no visible effect on approval. I really wish there had been more gifts and that you'd be able to help each companion make themselves at home throughout the game

I cannot understand the reasoning between making an early choice like the Treviso/Minrathous one lock the romance entirely. I wanted so badly for it to simply make things angsty, to make me work for the romance, only to be rewarded by Lucanis and Neve suddenly being a thing, even as I had been trying to get with either lmao (let me have polyamory if you want to play it this way??)

Aside from unlocking the shops and I'm assuming changing the result of the end battle, the factions were a bit useless. I expected to be able to really send out armies like in Origins maybe...

Dragon battles get repetitive I swear there was like ten of them or something

The final battle dragged a bit for me, it was long but not that hard, just wave after wave of fodder until getting to the main baddie, which. Could have been faster! (I would actually have loved if, for example, the factions allowed me to skip those boring battles lol)

World

The Good

The environments are amazing, Treviso is an incredible city, I liked the designs of the story cards and of the enemies

Some parts (mostly explorations of buildings) felt super reminiscent of DA2 in the best way

The Solas lore is driving me absolutely insane!!!

I really enjoyed the way some things were recontextualized

The choices in the ending feels weighted, like I had to really think through my actions

I really enjoyed the variety there was in terms of side characters and their dynamics

It felt very rewarding to go after the world's hidden secrets, both in terms of story and gameplay

The Bad

There is maybe too much magic. Like put some back.

Where are the consequences of the choices of the previous games? It doesn't even feel like it matters all that much whether the Inquisition disbanded or not

What happened with the Mage/Templar conflict?

Minrathous in the intro is all cool and futuristic why don't we see that for the rest of the game? Dock town is both poor and somehow super sanitized.

Speaking of sanitation... Like I disagree when people say the game is not dark, it has plenty of twisted shit, but there are ways in which the game feels retconed to avoid callouts. You put us in a city built on slavery, but we never really see that. You put us with the Crows, but the horrible, mafia aspect of it is reduced to nothing, smoothed until they're vigilante rather than people who buy kids out of brothels to train them to become assassin (notably through torture!) Also for a game with that much blight - where are the brood mothers? The horrifying concepts that existed in previous games feel like they're being either hidden away or forgotten entirely, to be replaced with only smaller chunks of darkness, if that makes sense.

It feels like the good guys are all good, and the bad guys are bad but really they had reasons to, rather than how it was in previous games: even the good guys are unbelievably morally fucked.

Characters

Just to start, I really enjoyed the variety of options in the character creator. I was able to do the same noses that elves had in DA2, which I really enjoyed as a design choice. I'm also super glad the game had options to be trans and non binary, with no restriction to what that looks like! I was already delighted in BG3, but I am not over having game characters use they/them for me <3

I wish the romances were better (longer, less formulaic, more involved) and that the characters didn't start up morally upright. They're all a bit too wholesome, they don't really have conflict, which I missed from previous games, though I have to say, I love the companions overall a lot more than in Inquisition!

Companions

It was nice to see Harding again, I flirted with her in Inquisition haha. Her questline with the dwarves and the titans ties up nicely with the overall theme of the game

From the trailers I expected to adore Neve and to have a lot of romantic tension with her, but uh the romance was rather underwhelming. I do like her a lot, and her calling Rook Trouble as a cute nickname made me giggle, but tbh I shipped her more with Rana. I already said it but I was not a fan of her and Lucanis, it feels unfair that she and my Rook were both shadow dragons but Lucanis only got mad at me lol. I don't really understand that design choice

Bellara is my surprise fave. She looked kinda interesting to begin with but ended up being sooooo relatable. She's brilliant and awkward and writes books? She got blighted in my run and it was so satisfying to get her back, and to see her exploit the blight for her own ends. I was afraid she was going to remind me too much of Merrill, but the similarities are only surface level.

Lucanis broke my heart and is the main reason I'm doing a second playthrough straight away. I did watch his romance and I think it is a tad underwhelming compared to how the writers were hyping it up, but as a demi, I actually really love the slow burn lmao. I wish his storyline had more conflict with Spite, and touched more on the darker aspects of the crows, but I really liked that they went countercurrent and made him a bit awkward and shy, and obsessed with food and coffee. He's a nerdy (affectionate)

Davrin gave me so many fuckboy vibes at the beginning hahaha he grew on me, his relationship with Assan is lovely and the evolution he has might actually be my favorite of the lot (then again, when have I not enjoyed a character that's just a little bit suicidal). He died in my first run and I cried, definitely changing that for my second run, RIP Harding

Emmrich was really interesting for the lore, but also tragically reminds me of my ex xD so he was off the table as a romance for me but I looked around and it seems he actually has the better romance of the lot! I loved his questline, I'm a sucker for spirits and skulls and green fire hehe. I wish the lich thing was a bit more problematic like. Yeah no I do not actually think turning into an immortal undead that watches over mortals makes any sense, especially when an overall theme of the game seems to be that immortals keeps fucking people over?? Such a weird take to make liches into good people imo

I know Taash is controversial, and I'm not gonna lie they weren't my fave to start with. I do find their storyline a bit too simplistic on the gender side, and plain weird on the cultural side. Why would they have to pick one culture or the other? It's bullshit and it feels tone deaf after the whole argument that they don't have to choose between being a woman and a man. Also (and that's more a general gripe I have with games that touch on dom/sub dynamics) why are the beefy tall people always the doms. Why can't my tiny Rook be the dom, uh?

Returning Characters

The Inquisitor felt like they really were there just to placate fans of Inquisition tbh. I did lookup the solasmancer scene and it is pretty sweet, but for me seeing my Inquisitor again did very little, especially since I had romanced Dorian but that barely seemed to matter.

Speaking of Dorian I was so hyped to see him again, and then felt kinda underwhelmed. His little fight with Maeveris made me feel like I was supposed to pick her over him but tbh I think he's right lol

It was nice to see Isabella again but my Hawke had romanced her so not really seeing her mentioned felt weird as hell. It also felt like Isabella was more a caricature of herself than a character tbh

I was sure Varric was dead from super early in the game because everyone was weird in his scenes hahahaha *sobs* I was sad but I also really liked the way they handled it

Solas is so much more of a dickhead hahaha I was tempted to do the bait and switch even though I had everything ready to reason with him one last time. I liked that I was able to change his mind, but I feel like I should have been allowed to kick him. Just because. His dreadwolf transformation was fire though, 10/10 no notes

Morrigan my beloved I kinda wish they hadn't brought you back. I guessed very early the meaning of her wearing Flemmeth's headpiece thingie, but I think it was underexploited! Their relationship was frought with angst from Origins on, and it feels like it's been retconned, and Morrigan made into someone overall way too nice??? Where is the sense of danger?

Characters that should have returned >:( (or be mentioned a couple times)

The Warden. How do we still not know what happened to their quest of ending the Calling?? In many ways, the game feels like a sequel to Inquisition specifically, and kinda ignores the first two games. (Yeah yeah they need to let new players come in, but still)

Zevran??? I have no words for how disappointed I am to have a game set in Antiva, and the only hints to Zevran are subtle and missable ( I did not get the banter about Crows no longer taking contracts in Ferelden). It would have been so interesting to have him, who comes from the worst, most violent houses of Crows, as a contrast to Lucanis, who was born into it (and whose worst times are glossed over in the game)

I would have liked a mention of Leliana, but I guess since they don't ask if she became the Divine, it was not going to happen. She already came back once so I guess it's fine but still.

A mention of Sven could have been cool (maybe I missed it)

I am so devastated that a game set in Mirathous makes no mention of Fenris, especially after the whole blue wraith thing????? And the design of the spirits like the Caretaker are so reminescent of his lyrium markings, come on, it's not like the devs forgot he existed??? I low key headcanon that a romanced Fenris with a Hawke left into the Fade created the Shadow Dragons, with the name being a wink to Hawke's love of dragons.

Speaking of Hawke. We spend so much time in the Fade in this game it would have been really easy to add their journal or something even if you don't want to have the character physically there??

I need Merrill and Solas to be in the same room. Come on. The blood mage ready to do anything to learn of the past, and the god of lies who despises the current Dalish culture? I need them to have a conversation. Also I always feel mad that she worked so hard on her Eluvian, and now they're mentioned and shown everywhere but she is seemingly entirely forgotten????

Josephine also feels like she could have been hanging around Treviso but I'm not that mad about it, I was never as insane about the Inquisition characters compared to the other games lol

Conclusion

Is the game perfect? No. Did I expect it to be? Absolutely not haha come on I love this franchise but there has been valid criticism of absolutely every single one of them, and retconned things all around. Plot lines dropped and abandoned.

Honestly I think my biggest disappointment has been the romance (I wanted the angst so bad lol) but I loved the story, loved the gameplay, and do not regret any of the 70 hours I spent on my first run. It never happens, for a game this long, that I want to replay it right after finishing.

8.5/10

[theneighborhoodwatch]

What are your thoughts on the potential Julie and Frank 'relationship'?

(serious answer under the cut. also, again, disclaimer that this is all speculation and i'm not saying that any of this is 100% For Sure going to happen, i am just speaking within the context of this one particular theory.)

(edit: nvm i might actually be right. yeehaw [said unimaginably haggardly])

i've talked about that before on this blog, in this post specifically (with extra links for context so maybe check it out) and it's still something that i think about A Lot. in that post, i describe it as a source of Mutual horror, i.e. "you were created to both bring out the best in someone and to keep each other shackled to someone else’s incomprehensible idea of normalcy." and when i say incomprehensible, i really do mean incomprehensible; going by a few posts clown's made in the past, the idea of gender being tied to presentation and vice versa seems to be a foreign one to the playfellow puppets - and yet, this does not seem to prevent them from the consequences of being Perceived a certain way. it's also probably worth mentioning that if the 2022 pride art is to be believed, then neither frank or julie are cis, either (for whatever the playfellows puppets' definition/equivalent of "cis" is, anyway.)

i would be lying if i said i haven't thought about Several ways this could all play out; how it could affect both of them as individuals, their other relationships, their pre-existing friendship. i won't go over all of those here bc this post would be way too fucking long otherwise, but i will say that i think that they would have been friends regardless of whether or not the show decided they were (and regardless of whether or not the show wanted friends or "friends."*) i don't think either of them start out Aware that they're "supposed" to be together. i think they are likely made aware of it later on - of how they are seen. in this way, it's a good example of what i meant when i previously described welcome home feeling like a setup for some cosmic horror-as-coming of age shit (or coming of age as cosmic horror??) for example, in this particular context, i saw A Lot of these two scenarios when it came to growing up queer and/or closeted, especially in an unsafe environment: 1. "i'm told that because i spend so much time with this person, and they are (X) and i am (Y), that i am in love with them. i don't think this is true, but i have no idea how to refute this, so i'm just gonna Go Along With It until i am emotionally, mentally, and/or physically no longer able to do so bc i'm scared of what'll happen to me and/or the people i care about if i don't - OH FUCK THAT HAPPENED A LOT SOONER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK"

2. "i'm told that because i spend so much time with this person, and they are (X) and i am (Y), that i am in love with them. i think that's the dumbest fucking thing i've ever heard and it does not apply to me at all" [is punished for this] "Ah." it's just that here, the scale would be magnified to the point of cosmic horror, in order to drive home the turmoil these situations bring, both internal and external. do i think frank and julie would be the only examples of this, or that it is mutually exclusive from any of WH's other potential themes? absolutely not. but if all we have to go off of are crumbs, then We Will Work With Crumbs. * side note, i was gonna talk about how it was interesting that despite knowing next to nothing about frank/eddie in canon except for the fact that It Happens, all of the frank/eddie art we have so far is a lot more unambiguously romantic than any supposed in-universe ship teasing between frank and julie, buuut then i realized that was probably bc we're still in the prologue and all the frank/eddie stuff we have is like, side sketches and concept art. of course it's gonna be more indulgent.

tl;dr: I Care Them and i hope you can tell

[alls-fair-in-pride-and-prejudice]

The Ever Seeing Eye

(A/N: Continued from here, featuring my warlock Tav who is in a romantic relationship with her patron. I actually made this warlock character and her pact before playing BG3. It was a little too perfect how well it worked out for causing conflict >:) Also, I'm well aware that there is more than just the one artifact in Ethel's lair/on her person. I'm switching it up for drama. Also, defeating her in the tea house was accurate to my playthrough if anyone would like to know how I did it I can make a separate post. Part 4 here)

What is it about fey that they delight so much more in screwing over a fellow fey than any other creature?

Lyra ponders this question, along with wondering if that is precisely why Midnight adores her so rather than taking a lover of his own kind, as she delves into the hag’s lair.

Of course, Lyra, no stranger to dealing with fey, has already disposed of the hag in the tearoom upstairs, much to Midnight’s delight. “I can sense a delightful trinket down there in her workroom, a necklace, not too far from that human you’re so intent on rescuing,” he whispers in her ear, “I want that one. Fey magic should stay with fey, after all.”

Shouldn’t be a problem at all.

But it would just so happen, that as they have descended the stairs into the green-lit museum of hag horrors, Gale clutches at his chest, and looks to Lyra pleadingly. “I uh, I don’t suppose you looted any magic artifacts off the hag corpse upstairs, did you?”

“Potions, yes, artifacts, no,” Lyra answers. “We just fed you two days ago. You went without an artifact for several days since the crash. What’s changed?”

Gale’s eyes are desperate as he shakes his head in bafflement. “I’ve no idea… but something has changed. I could feel it before, the last one did not satisfy the way it should have… Perhaps something more powerful would do the trick.”

Lyra sees the strain in his face. This condition saps at him. “Do you need to wait in camp, then? You’re clearly unwell.”

“And leave the lot of you to face a hag lair down a wizard? Perish the thought. Old biddy might be dead, but this place is sure to have plenty dangers on its own. We press on! Besides, where better to find a suitable artifact than a hag lair? Surely she has something stashed away.”

Lyra frowns, knowing for a fact she does, and praying that she happens to have more than just the one.

They point the way out for all those fortunate enough to still be alive and intact once the hag’s magic wore off. Most of those wearing the masks were too far gone, and both Gale and Lyra could tell that attempting to remove the masks would have disastrous consequences for them.

Mayrina showed the way to the workroom, with a portal out of the lair. Lyra zeros in on the necklace immediately, picking it up from the desk and inspecting it, considering. After a moment, Gale says, “ah, delightful, you found something. May I?”

Lyra pulls away from his reaching hand. “Isn’t there something else in here?”

“All we’ve found are a collection of very non-magical rings and some dodgy potions that I would not drink for a hundred gold,” Astarion reports.

Lyra saw what happened to Wyll for disobeying his patron. His body is permanently altered for it, and he got off easy.

But surely Midnight would never be so cruel to her? She loves him. They’ve been lovers for over a year. And Gale… she doesn’t know the specifics of his condition, but he seems he would die without it. There is clear pain in his eyes.

“Swear to me that you need it, really need it,” Lyra says, meeting Gale’s pleading eyes.

“I swear upon the weave itself, that it is a matter of life and death.”

Lyra hands him the necklace, and he smiles in relief. She has just enough time to enjoy that grateful smile before she collapses, and the world goes dark.

[lumenflowered]

[A video file is attached. In it, Maria can be seen seated at an outdoor patio table opposite... a Dratini? Probably? The being's vaguely Dratini-shaped, anyway, from what a viewer can see through the glitchiness. Though the color's all wrong—it's a reddish-purple, which is odd even for a potentially shiny Pokémon.

"I am quite aware that this is not what you wished to speak of," Maria says, hands cupped around what appears to be a coffee cup, "but will Dee be... alright? Without you close by?"

The Dratini-adjacent being ducks her head in what certainly appears to be a nod. There's a mug of coffee in front of her, too, though it looks untouched and also has truly ungodly amounts of cream and sugar added to it.

"S'nice you cared enough to ask. As long as we're in, like, the same town? It's fine, that's close enough," Mallory says, if it can count as saying anything when there is no mouth moving. "More than that gets iffy, but she's more powerful than she thinks, in a worst-case scenario she'd be able to keep herself going for at least a couple hours, I do not want to test that!"

"Rather understandably." Maria looks a little paler as she raises her own coffee to sip at delicately. "What, then, did you wish to discuss?"

"Well, for starters..."

The not-Dratini's eyes narrow. The air seems to shimmer a little, then the video glitches for several seconds to the point of not being able to make out anything. Once it returns to normalcy, there is a young woman with short dark hair and vividly purple eyes sitting opposite Maria, who is staring a little at whatever she just saw happen.

"You forgot what I looked like. Probably a consequence of my ascension, if I had to guess, but there's few enough people who remember that already. You don't get to be one of them."

"Fair enough, I suppose." Maria sounds a little bemused. She gently sets the mug down on the table. "I do remember you now, though I believe your eyes were different then. It is... rather difficult not to remember the person who killed you."

"Yeah," Mallory agrees. "It is, isn't it?"

"Most of the details of that place... blurred together, I'm afraid. I don't remember—"

"I'm not telling you how many times you killed me."

"Ah," Maria says.

"I will tell you it was a lot." Mallory slurps at her coffee. The fact that it's steaming doesn't seem to bother her. "And that I was touch-starved enough that I didn't even realize you were tearing my heart out until there was nothing left I could do about it."

Maria winces. "I genuinely do not know what one could, or should, say to that."

Mallory, or her illusion—is that an illusion?—shrugs. "I wouldn't turn down an apology, if you feel like it, but I'm not holding my breath waiting for one. You were trying to make up for what you'd done in the fishing hamlet."

"I... yes." Her shoulders slump a little.

"Genuine question. Did it work?"

"No." Maria sighs. "No, it rather did not. It may have actually been worse than everything that I tried prior to... ending up in the Nightmare, but having a purpose of some kind did keep me relatively sane in that place—"

"I can count the number of people capable of talking to me in the Hunter's Nightmare on one hand," Mallory says. "Well, when I've got hands, anyway. Don't always anymore. But by Nightmare standards, you were incredibly sane."

"...Thank you?"

"Eh, don't mention it." Mallory waves one of said dubiously-there hands dismissively. "So what did end up working?"

"You say this as if something did entirely work. As if I will ever be able to truly escape from the past." Maria sighs. "I suppose what worked, then, is that I accepted that it happened, and... began trying to move on? The past cannot be changed, but..."

"But?"

"But it is also in the past." Something resolute passes over Maria's expression. "I can do better in the present day. In the future."

"Damn, your mental health really is way better! And by that I mean that you actually have some, what the hell."

"I am thoroughly uncertain as to how one should take that."

"It's a compliment. Probably." Mallory clears her throat. "And it makes me think that my hunch was right. That it is time for this."

She reaches to her side—into thin air, really—yet her hand disappears as if passing behind or into something. The air shimmers.

"Time for..."

Maria's words die in her throat as Mallory withdraws her hand. It's holding a sheathed weapon, one that appears to be an intricately-crafted twinblade.

To those familiar with the weapon, it is immediately recognizable as Maria's own Rakuyo.

The video ends there.]

[darkeraurora]

Admissions - Chapter 10

Very mild NSFW this time.

Chapter 10 of ??

Status: ON GOING

The ever-present whir of the heaters kept the silent Brit company. Simon sat on a weight bench in the gym, alone with nothing but his thoughts in the twilight’s quiet stillness. Sunrise wasn’t for another few hours and only a small handful of people around base would be awake at this hour. Perimeter wall guards mostly.

He’d woken up quite early, even by military standards, and slipped out of bed once he detangled himself from the warm clutches of his little one, leaving Sereza to continue sleeping. While he’d slept fine last night, his mind wouldn’t fucking shut up about what might potentially happen later today.

Last night he’d told Sereza he’d found his bandana.

Consequently, his anxieties and insecurities were all in overdrive. Even if she had agreed – or rather, offered – to allow him to blindfold her so he felt more at ease, Simon still felt off. Considering what he would be doing to her – or might end up doing, since he wasn’t particularly confident that he’d be able to actually go through with it – it would terrify him if the roles were reversed and he was the one unable to see. What if he scared her? What if she was secretly feeling apprehensive about being blindfolded but was forcing herself to go through with it because of him? God that would kill him.

And also…

Even if she wasn’t able to see him, she would still be able to feel his skin.

What if it repulsed her? His physique was impressive, he knew. Fucking ought to be after the innumerable hours he spent in the gym burning through nightmare-fueled adrenaline rushes. But his body was covered in evidence of things best left forgotten. And he fucking hated it. Every fucking time he saw a glimpse of his skin or his reflection the urge to carve those reminders out himself was overpowering.

The worst ones were under his shirt. So far Sereza hadn’t seen or touched them, but she would when Simon made love to her; or feel them if she were blindfolded. How would she react?

But on the flip side… if Ghost didn’t take her…

What if she grew tired of waiting for him to be ready? He was pushing himself already as it was, and though he’d done more with her than he had with anyone else in what felt like an eternity... what if it wasn’t enough? She had been nothing but patient, understanding, and helpful. Always ensuring he felt safe and in control, but what if she decided he was too much trouble? Simon could certainly see that being a possibility. He was well aware he wasn’t an easy partner to have, not by any means. Or what if she grew tired of waiting on him and she moved on with someone else? Someone less complicated? All because he took too long to fuck her?

Ghost immediately felt horrible for thinking of his girlfriend that way. Complete shit. The one good thing that had happened in his rotten fucking life and this is what he was thinking about her? Bloody hell he was an arse.

Perhaps he should just force himself. Maybe once it was over his mind would decide it wasn’t so bad. An involuntary shiver made him wince. Simon was not at all sure he could do that. Plus, if he didn’t already feel like shit for thinking of Sereza the way he had, he definitely would if her first time ended up being a disaster or something he rushed through. Damn him and his issues.

Oh shit.

That’s right… it would be her first time with a man. Ghost would hurt her when…

Fucking shit; another thing for his mind to obsess over.

Trying to redirect his thoughts – force that mental-emotional pendulum to swing the opposite way for a fucking change – he thought back over the past several months. It had been maybe four months now since he first met Sereza and Simon ate better, was learning to trust touch again, slept peacefully almost all of the time, and felt less anxious… well, generally.

Looking back, Ghost was truly amazed at just how much she had already helped heal him.

No one, aside from his mother, had ever meant as much to him as she did. The rest of the 141 was important to him also, of course, but that was different. They were his family but Sereza… Simon simply couldn’t conceive of a future that didn’t include her in it.

But, his thoughts circling back around, would he lose his chance at that future once she saw all of him?

Ghost paused, blinked then sighed irritably upon realizing he’d long since lost count of his reps. Dammit, he’d have to start over. Veiny forearms flexed as he readjusted his grip on the kettlebell and began again. What a troublesome little one he had. Not even in the room and still she was distracting him. Such a naughty girl, Love. What am I going to do with you?

“Taken to haunting the gym mi amor?”

Ah, speaking of naughty… His beauty was out of bed. Her sleepy voice echoed across the cavernous space, coming from the doors behind him. He could tell by the sound she hadn’t been awake very long. The sleepiness made her voice sound so unbearably precious he couldn’t help smiling under the mask, despite her being the current source of much of his consternation. His free hand rolled the balaclava up to the bridge of his nose as he angled his head backward in her direction in a silent request for a kiss. “Bloody hell your lips are sweet, Love,” he complimented, picking up her hand from his shoulder to kiss her wrist. He looked up into deep hazel eyes, waves of honey tumbled around their faces and obscured the light. An image he tucked away to cherish when they had to be apart. Even from upside-down like this, she was the cutest thing.

Sereza grinned at his words. “Want another taste?” she offered, cocking her head to the side and sliding her palms over Simon’s pecs down toward his sternum. An affirmative groan rumbled through her ghost’s chest. His little one leaned down again and offered her lips.

“Couldn’t sleep?” she asked once they finally parted, coming around to sit near the opposite end of the bench from him so he’d have space to continue his set.

The half-masked Lieutenant poked her side, a place he’d recently found out was ticklish. “Quit that worrying, Gorgeous,” he reassured her, “I slept fine, just woke up is all.”

She was not at all convinced her ghost was telling her the full story, but let it go for now. Ghost seemed to be handling whatever bothered him well enough so she’d leave him to it, not wanting to nag or hassle him. There would be time to check in with him later if need be. “Mind if I sit and watch you?”

“Don’t mind at all, Sweetheart.”

The windows lightened from pitch black to sapphire to pale blue as dawn came to the Arctic sky. Simon and Sereza chatted about this and that. Simple small talk and making each other laugh with dumb jokes, just enjoying each other’s presence.

“Hey Si, a fish swims into a wall – what does he say?”

“Hm?” he paused, dangling from the grips he was training on.

“Dam.”

The Brit laughed hard at that one. “Not bad,” he chuckled. He’d have to remember it for the next mission with Soap. “Not bad at all, Love.”

XXXXX

Ghost’s shot cracked the stillness of the tundra. Perfect bullseye.

He fired his final shot, splitting the frozen silence and sending birds fluttering. Once more hitting the target dead-center with surgical precision. His little one sat just behind him and kept watch on their surroundings. It was time for Simon to qualify again, which meant a visit to the range outside the protective walls of the base. Which meant polar bears, so Sereza was on guard duty. That left Ghost free to focus on what he needed to.

While he trusted her – she had been out here for years whereas it hadn’t even been six months yet for the lieutenant – he still preferred to finish quickly and take over the role of Polar Bear Guard himself. He knew it might sound chauvinistic and insufferably alpha male-ish of him, but dammit he couldn’t help it. The urge to protect the woman he loved at any and all costs was ferocious.

Naturally Ghost qualified without issue. Not that he had any doubts – as arrogant as that might sound, but his little love being there this time did provide a hint of nervous jitters.

The range cleared not long after, leaving only the petite female and her towering ghost alone with the snow. Simon decided to take the opportunity to see how well his girlfriend could shoot. He had only his M4 with him, which should be fine, and he doubted with her small form she could use a shotgun or some such without risking injury to her shoulder. Sereza was tiny, but she wasn’t some fragile female. However, as the surgeon on base, neither she nor anyone else could risk her being injured.

But to his bewilderment, as soon as the Brit suggested a bit of shooting practice, she began to argue with him.

“I really don’t need to Si,” she refused, waving as stood and made ready to head back to the base. Why did it sound like she was trying to hurry off? “Let’s get back, I’m freezing anyway.”

Ghost knew that wasn’t true. The way she dressed and layered for the cold was impeccable; there was no way she was freezing. Chilly possibly, but not freezing. “You telling me stories, Little one? I think you forgot that I watched you do your layers this morning,” the Brit chuckled from behind his mask, “Come on now. Two shots left in this mag and they’re both yours.”

Sereza shuffled on her feet. “Nooo I’m pretty positive they’re yours actually.”

“Saved ‘em for you because you’re just so damned cute.” Simon took hold of her wrist.

“I-I don’t want to…” she continued protesting, trying to back away further, but the iron grip around her wrist gently pulled her back toward the firing line.

“One shot then,” he attempted to compromise. “Show me what you got, Love.” Ghost held the rifle out for her to take.

“NO!” Sereza shouted, pushing roughly away from him.

Ghost’s strength could, of course, have held her in place but he immediately let go of her wrist at her vehement refusal. She continued taking tiny steps backward from him, hands shaking, eyes wide, arms wrapped protectively around herself. Her behavior stunned him. “Sereza…?” he whispered in concern. She had always been the calm one but right now she looked positively panic-stricken.

Frosty clouds of her breath puffed out rapidly, fearful eyes fixed upon the snow, seeing someplace far from where they both stood as she fought back tears. “I-I don’t, I don’t…” she whimpered incoherently, shaking from head to toe.

Simon hurriedly set the rifle down behind him, out of her line of sight. He held his hands out to her, showing the weapon was gone. “It’s alright Love, it’s gone, and you don’t have to shoot.”

Ghost slowly stepped closer to his love until she blinked, as if only just realizing he was in front of her, then lunged into his chest and clung to him. Strong arms picked her up, smoothing down honeyed curls while he shushed her, sitting them both down on a nearby log and guiding her tiny form into his lap.

As much as he hated to see her cry, seeing her this scared was worse.

What the hell had set her off? Was it the gun? Sure a lot of people were afraid of guns, but it didn’t seem that the cause of her behavior was as simple as that. Everything had appeared perfectly fine and she was acting normally up until the moment he tried to get her to shoot. There was something else she was afraid of. Not the weapon itself.

Ghost slipped her beanie off and kissed her forehead. Once her breathing calmed, he pulled back to see her face.

Instead of the fear from earlier, Sereza now looked self-conscious. Embarrassed. Shoulders slumped, she turned away from him and hid her face in the soft fleece of his jacket. “I-I’m sorry,” his little one dolefully apologized while refusing to meet Simon’s eyes.

His gloved thumb wiped icy tear streaks from her pink cheeks. “Nothing to be sorry for, Love. Can you tell me what happened?”

“Uh… I-n-…”

Simon waited as she uncharacteristically fumbled with her words, never taking his hands from her. It was odd seeing her like this, and it spoke to how scared she’d been since normally Sereza was quite articulate, but whatever had spooked his little one had evidently rattled her enough that she wasn’t able to get her thoughts in order.

“Hey,” he whispered softly, adjusting her so he could see her face better. “It’s alright, I’ve got you. Look at me, Sereza.” Uncertain hazel eyes jumped to his at the command and Ghost ran his hands over her arms consolingly. “That’s my girl. Can you listen to me? You are here, with me, and I will not let anything harm you. You know that, right?” He smiled at her small nod. “Good. Please Love, try to tell me what happened. Was it the gun?”

She shook her head.

Ghost inwardly puzzled over her nonverbal response. Looked like he’d have to fish for answers.

“Me holding the gun?”

“No.” A single small word but a step in the right direction. Ghost found the stronger reaction encouraging; maybe they were getting somewhere.

“Is a rifle too much for you?”

“I-I…” Her voice came out in a pitifully small quiver that tore at his heart.

“You can tell me Little one, it’s okay.”

“I… can’t shoot.”

Well yeah - Ghost gathered that much by the way she reacted but it didn’t answer his question. It was clear to him that something had happened to his love just a moment ago, but what? And why? He could almost swear it looked like a flashback, but she never…

That was when it hit him.

It was a flashback. Something had happened that left her with her own scars. Not that he’d believed her life had been all sunshine and rainbows up until now. The lieutenant knew perfectly well very few had such privilege. But he now understood the reason why Sereza could handle him and his laundry list of issues so well. Because she had survived her own personal hell.

Taking a deep, shuddering breath, she continued, “When I try-” She had to pause when her voice cracked. Ghost wrapped her in his arms as if he was shielding his love from whatever distressed her. “My father… when I was very little… he’d shoot at me. Sometimes he’d sneak up behind me or he’d make me stand still and shoot the ground around me. Just centimeters from hitting me. One time he did graze me,” Sereza paused as she sniffled, “I don’t think he’d intended to; he was just very drunk. He’d laugh as he did it. It was fun for him.”

The lieutenant was beyond enraged. “Where?” his deep baritone rumbled. Sereza gestured at her left shin, about halfway between her knee and ankle. “Your mother didn’t stop him?”

“…my mother was worse,” she faintly admitted. Quietly as though something bad would happen if she spoke any louder.

Sereza's body beginning to tremble again told Simon just how much worse. 

He wanted, with everything in him, to know what had been done to his little one so he could arrange a bit of… retribution. But that would have to wait. Now was not the time. Plus he supposed his girlfriend might not want that, and what she wanted was ultimately what mattered most to him.

Still though… it’d make him feel a bit better.

But his vengeance-plotting would have to wait. Right now his little one needed him. Ghost pressed her close, cradling her head to his chest. “I’m so sorry, Sereza. I should have listened the first time you said you didn’t want to. I’m sorry I didn’t. I didn’t recognize what was happening until I pushed too far, and I’m sorry for that as well. I just hadn’t seen that happen when you’ve been at the ranges with us before.”

Small hands squeezed his arm wrapped around the front of her, trying to convey her appreciation as well as forgiveness. “Not your fault, and you can’t notice things you haven’t seen,” she reassured, wringing her gloved hands in her lap. "I should have told you sooner."

Simon lifted the petite body, moving her until she straddled his lap so he could see her properly. “Why do you seem embarrassed about it?” A finger hooked under her chin. “It’s just one skill out of many. You have a lot of other valuable skills.”

She chuckled half-heartedly. “Someone in the military that can’t shoot?” she replied emotionlessly.

“I see where you’re coming from, but you aren’t actually in the military though Love,” Ghost tried to reason, “You’re contracted, and for very different work. It’s quite normal to be afraid of guns. That’s a healthy fear. I think… that you being the surgeon here, putting us back together again after a mission, is a far more important skill.”

Sereza bit her lip and looked away from her ghost again. “A lot of the others don't make that distinction and wouldn’t approve of me being here if they found out I can’t shoot. Not that I care about what they think – I don’t. They don’t know the reason why and don’t need to. But the whole thing frustrates me to no end.”

It angered the Brit to learn that others found fault in his girlfriend. Whether they knew the reason behind her lack of firearms skills or not was irrelevant. Sereza was a person – a human being with feelings and inherent value – whose job was to take care of them after injuries. How that made her somehow less in their opinion Ghost would never understand. And didn’t care to try to understand either.

XXXXX

The pair walked side by side back toward the gates, trudging slowly through the snow, while Sereza told Ghost more about her mental stumbling block. “It doesn’t make any sense,” his little love ranted, airing her frustration. “I’m around guns - big guys with guns at that," she gestured at her massive ghost beside her, "all the freaking time. I’ve gone to the ranges with the guys and watched them shoot… so, so many times. Never a problem. I hold them, I carry them, I’ve helped clean the damn things – also not a problem. It starts right as I aim.”

The skull hummed as he pondered over her words. That was peculiar. It would make sense if the sound of gunshots triggered her, but it was only once she took aim. Was she even able to get off a shot? Probably not, he decided. But she was perfectly capable and comfortable with every other aspect except for firing the weapon herself.

Ghost knew better than most how bizarre the brain could behave when triggered, but what many people didn’t seem to understand was that triggers were never random – not really. Whatever it was, it made sense somehow in the mind of that person. Maybe, for Sereza, when she was aiming and ready to fire, perhaps her mind put her in her father’s place and she was the one shooting at the terrified child.

His heart ached for her.

"Si… will you teach me?”

“To shoot?” His little one looked up at him with hesitant eyes.

He was willing, of course, but he also didn’t want Sereza to feel that level of fear again. Back to that manly-man urge to protect his woman… thing. Besides, there were other ways he could teach her to defend herself that didn’t involve firearms. “You were so afraid Love-”

“That’s exactly why I’m asking,” Sereza interrupted. “I spent years learning to come to terms with all the shit that happened when I was growing up, and this is the last thing. I want to be able to move past this too, but I… I don’t think I can do this one on my own.”

The towering skull thought it over as he held his love’s hand while she struggled through some particularly deep snow.  “You're sure about this? I mean, I will, of course – and your brother could also help you,” he questioned.

“He… doesn’t know,” she confessed, finally breaking free with a huff. “My brother’s mom actually cared about being a parent and she escaped with him one night while our dad was passed out. A few years later our dad moved on and started a new relationship. That's when I came along. My brother carries a lot of guilt because I didn’t have a safe or happy childhood while he was the one who did – which I’m very glad of, by the way. That makes me happy. But he blames himself for not knowing about me or finding me sooner.” The skull silently listened, holding her hand warmly within his. “I tell him all the time that it wasn’t his fault, but like any big brother, he doesn’t listen.” Simon chuckled along with her, being an older brother himself.

Sereza hooked her arm through his elbow. “Would you? Please?”

He stopped walking and pulled his mask up. The main road back to base was just ahead so they couldn’t be seen where they currently stood. Wrapping an arm around her waist, Simon lifted her up and kissed her as deeply as he possibly could. “Didn’t need to ask, Love. I’d have helped you anyway.”

Simon sat his little one back on her feet, steadying her by the arm when she swayed. Knowing his kiss had left his love weak in the knees he gave him a satisfied grin.

XXXXX

The lieutenant had a short late afternoon meeting with Price.

And couldn’t concentrate for shit.

He put on a convincing performance though and it didn’t seem Price was aware that his lieutenant wasn’t as laser-focused as he would normally be. Simon was much the same during dinner too. One leg bounced incessantly beneath the table, and he kept forcing his shoulders back down from under his ears.

His distraction didn’t go unnoticed that time however and both Soap and Gaz found it immensely entertaining to tease him about it. They had convinced themselves that Sereza had sent him a text – of a spicy nature that included, perhaps, a spicy picture – thus concluding that the reason their lieutenant wasn’t his normal gruff self was all the blood leaving his brain. Occupied elsewhere, about three feet lower.

The idea had them snickering and cackling like poorly behaved school children. The sergeants both stubbornly kept with their concocted story despite Ghost’s insistence that their story was hopelessly wrong. “Maybe we should lay off, eh Gaz? LT’s got a busy night ahead of him, aye? Don’t wanna tire the ol’ boy out before he can satisfy his lady.” Soap was enjoying himself far too much in Simon's opinion. 

He wearily shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his masked nose, grumbling under his breath at Soap’s teasing. Fucking hell, you two. Honestly. Was this how parents with small children felt? Because if so Ghost could understand why they looked tired so much of the time.

It had been a long fucking day and it was nearing the end.

Which was what had him feeling antsy. Last night Ghost had asked Sereza if she would be busy tonight… and told her he’d found his bandana. Now it was getting close to time to use said bandana.

So, yeah…

Antsy was a fucking colossal understatement.

XXXXX

Back in his quarters after dinner, Simon anxiously paced around the small space. An internal debate raged in his head about whether or not he was ready for this. Thus far the negative side was winning out, as per usual.

Bloody hell, I can’t do this! I CANNOT fucking do this!!

Yes you can. With her, you know you can. You need to.

Back and forth, back and forth. Mentally and literally. With all the walking and his thundering heartbeat, the lieutenant felt like he’d just come off the longest ruck march of his life.

Ghost was so jittery when Sereza walked in a bit later that she half-expected to see him start climbing the walls.

“Si?” Her Brit turned to look down at her, her touch relaxing him somewhat as she threaded her fingers through his. “You look like you’re about to crawl right out of your skin mi amor.”

…my skin…

“What has my love so stressed? Wouldn’t have anything to do with you not being able to sleep last night, would it?” she asked rhetorically.

The Brit sighed as he realized she’d seen right through his fib in the gym this morning and found a sudden, singular interest in their entwined hands. Admiring just how much his love was dwarfed by the size of him. Finally he answered her with only an affirming grunt, nerves having made him slightly tongue-tied.

Sereza rubbed her thumbs over the back of his hands as she squeezed them. “Can you tell me now what had you so anxious last night mi amor?”

Her love audibly swallowed. Did she have to be so damn observant all the damn time? She was giving him the opportunity to open up, and he appreciated all of her efforts, but fucking hell that was hard when it came to… this.

Feelings and whatnot.

She kissed along the printed knuckles on his skeleton gloves. “You know that it’s okay to tell me, if you choose to, yeah? It stays between us, and I will still love you and be with you regardless of what it is,” she encouraged.

Well she had certainly proven that to be true. All the emotional baggage he’d heaped on those slender shoulders, yet she was still here, as unshakable as any mountain, willing to put up with him for some unfathomable reason.

Ghost felt like an arse – again – for making her worry like this.

Fucking hell.

It was time to come clean with her.

Scooping up his little one bridal style, Simon climbed into bed and snuggled into her neck. Giving her a few ticklish kisses. The chaotic storm of thoughts in his mind calmed while he breathed the scent of her. Sereza’s nails traced across his neck and upper back while she left small kisses over his hair.

“… I’m scared Love,” her ghost whispered. “Scared I’ll remember… shit I don’t want to. I’m worried... about what you’ll see. But I'm much more scared-," He paused as his voice cracked. Ghost pressed against her tighter, seeking reassurance. “I'm fucking terrified... that- that I’ll hurt you. And it’s going to hurt you anyway. I want you so goddamn much but... I can’t… I can’t fucking stand knowing that I’ll cause you pain.”

Always such a worrier, mi amor. His worrying over her wellbeing she could address quickly enough, but the lingering trauma from his assault would take time. Sereza hugged around his dirty blond head. “Simon, Love – I swear, you have the sweetest heart,” she affectionately whispered before kissing his forehead. “Can I tell you a couple of things, my love?”

Her ghost grunted a reply, flustered at being called sweet like that.

“I absolutely adore your touch. It feels indescribably good to me, did you know that? Whether we’re just relaxing or… doing something else. Even before we were together, you’d touch me in subtle ways or pat the top of my head while you told me how short I am,” they both chuckled at the memory and cuddled each other tighter. “Everyone else who did that I wanted to punch in the face-”

“You couldn’t reach their face Love,” he interjected mischievously.

“Oh shut up,” Sereza huffed, making Ghost chuckle. “…I loved when it was you though, always made my day and left me wanting more. I was happy simply being with you. And I still am.”

Simon was touched. All tingly and warm inside knowing that he made his little one happy, both now and back then without actually trying.

“Please don’t torment yourself mi amor. Talk to me when something’s bothering you, okay? You aren’t alone anymore Si, and you don’t have to deal with everything on your own either. We’re here to help each other, yeah? Just like earlier today.” Sereza cupped his face and guided it up to hers, kissing the scar cutting through his eyebrow. “I love you Si. No matter what your mind tells you, please don’t think you have to force yourself into doing anything physical for me to love you or stay with you. If any memories come up I'll be right there with you and we'll get through it together. But just so everything is clear going forward, I will never be put off by your touch. It’s alright for you to touch me when you want to.” Another tender kiss to a scar along his temple.

Ghost closed his eyes as he basked in the gentle care Sereza was giving him. The feeling of her fingers combing over the shorter hair on the side of his head made him feel slightly drowsy.

“Always,” another kiss, by his ear…

“Anytime,” under his eye...

“And I will love it.” His love ended with a lengthy kiss to a deep scar across his cheek. “You won’t scare me Si, and I know you would never, ever intentionally hurt me. When you feel like it, you have standing permission, does that help?”

Yeah.

Yeah it did actually.

Rules, regulations, and permissions spoke to his military side; something that gave the soldier in him parameters to operate within.  That familiarity brought with it comfort and security. Simon’s spirit felt so much lighter now and he was kicking himself for not talking to Sereza sooner.

Right then, Ghost’s mental lightbulb clicked on.

He understood now that when he was happiest… when he felt the strongest and safest… was when he was like this with Sereza. Facing what troubled him with the support of his other half. Not when he internalized or withdrew into isolation to fight his inner wars and mental demons alone in some twisted protective display – whether that was protecting others or himself.

The haunting voice of his father, with his vicious threats and cruel insults, quieted. For the first time, Simon could admit to needing the presence and love of another person and felt no weakness or shame in doing so.

The woman holding him in her arms was the source of his peace.

He didn’t just need her – he also needed her.

Mind and soul, he needed her.

Simon made up his mind.

No more overthinking and obsessing. Tonight, he would take her.

[syrena-del-mar]

"Foliage, Flowers, and Feelings, Oh My!" in Step By Step Ep. 8.

The flower motifs were rampant throughout all of episode eight, more so than the majority of any of the previous episodes. Maybe I was made aware because Jeng brought attention to them while he was preparing for his date, ahem, market research with Pat this time around, but man, everywhere I looked on screen, I could only focus on the flowers.

Since a lot of the shots that had the flowers were blurred, take my analysis with a heavy amount of skepticism. Not to mention, my discussion of the flowers and their meanings are deriving from a Western point of view; flowers and their significance can differ greatly between cultures. [Specifically my understanding derives from my Latin-American and American upbringing with the meanings behind certain flowers and any research I came upon, so if you have any better cultural understanding that is more applicable, feel free to sound off].

There was so much imagery with flowers in this episode that I'm going to attempt to organize this analysis with specific scenes where I, personally, could not help but immediately notice the flowers and become hyper-aware of them.

Love Blooms Best at a Restaurant

While we see flowers and plants in the first quarter of the episode, they're typically at the very corners of the foreground, heavily blurred, or rather small, where it's presence is easily forgotten (i.e., the tiny plant on Put's living room table.) The plants and flowers really start to become a greater motif after Jeng requests the first restaurant to fill the empty space that he rented out with bouquets.

Now there are so many different flowers that make up the several bouquets that are brought in by the restaurant staff, so I'll briefly mention the most commercially known and their significance, while delving a little deeper into the flowers that were a bit harder to identify but that I strongly believe are in the bouquets.

First, the most obvious of the flowers were the red and pink roses that make a portion of the vase that is put at the table where Jeng and Pat sit. Pink roses typically take on the significance of admiration and gratitude, while red roses are generally used to signify love and passion. Hidden behind those, which we are only able to catch a glimpse at in far-away shots before the vase gets turned, are yellow snapdragons. There is a longstanding belief that when you hide a snapdragon, it's going to make you appear to be enchanting and amiable; this often results with the snapdragon being correlated with good-luck and deception.

Meanwhile behind Jeng, there is a huge bouquet that is made up of pink lilies, and what I believe to be, but not 100% sure, pink orchids. Pink lilies are generally used to depict new love, friendship, and admiration, while pink orchids are generally for thoughtfulness, refinement, and mature charm.

The flowers here seem to be very representative of both Jeng's mentality and the current state of relationship that Pat and Jeng have. Prior to this, Pat had gone from cancelling their meeting (destroying any hope that Jeng had) to asking if he was still up to going out (restoring it slightly, thank you Ae and Beam.) Jeng has made it apparent that he admires Pat for his talent and work ethic, praising Pat when he does a job well done, but this admiration has gone far beyond "you're a great worker", which Pat is completely unaware of. For Pat, this is just another work event that he is doing as a favor to his boss, without knowing that Jeng wishes is more than just work and how much effort he put into making this "not-date" "date-like". While deception has an incredibly negative connotation, in a way this is applicable here, this is Jeng's pretense to spend more time with Pat outside of work.

Jeng has been treading the line of boss and loverboy lightly, because he is more than aware of the consequences that could occur due to his attraction and feeling towards Pat. So he does what he does best, delve into work and find a way to incorporate it so he can spend some quality time with Pat, even if Pat isn't fully aware of his intentions, which is why it catches Jeng off-guard when Pat points out how much this outing resembles a date. This is a new chapter that Jeng is trying to navigate and breach, even without fully knowing the way to get there. He's learning how Pat ticks, when Pat is silent and what it likely means, and how much pain and burden Pat carries, even when its unnecessary. He's seen Pat at some of his worst moments, at his tactless moments, and he's falling for all sides of him, even if Pat is fully oblivious at this point. And Jeng is so proud of himself, when he gets the restaurant to look just right for when Pat arrives.

Running Leads the Heart to the Silver Trumpet Tree

The second full shot of flowers in this episode was after Pat and Jeng narrowly made it out from running into Chot, specifically after they finally came to a stop after sneakily running away from him, in order to not be caught fraternizing outside of the workplace. When they finally come to a stop, Silver [Yellow] Trumpet Tree [Tabebuia Aurea], also known as Lueang India (Yellow India) in Thai, cover the background when Pat and Jeng have finally come to a halt. While it can be easily mistaken with the Golden Shower Trees, which I believe is the national flower of Thailand, the Yellow Trumpet trees are as common but are distinct in the clusters that they form.

While the there is no distinct meaning or symbolism behind Silver Trumpet Tree, the Trumpet flowers, generally, have a more positive interpretation on its symbolism. Yellow Trumpet flowers tend to be referred to the Angel's Trumpet, which really leads to the auspicious significance that is attached. Depending on the culture that is interpreting the flower, the significance of the trumpet flower can range from prosperity and good luck to new beginnings.

Here, we find ourselves with Pat and Jeng running off in an attempt to avoid being seen by Chot. Jeng had just gone through the effort of making renting out the prior restaurant and decorating with as many bouquets as possible in attempt to make the non-date, date-adjacent. Yet, while this plan seems to be partially ruined, I think Jeng should be thanking Chot. For the first time, they held hands and weren't letting go. While Put and Pat may have been balanced physically, Pat was always being left behind by Put, even if it was unintentional. Put was the one leading their relationship, taking the first steps to enter and exit out of Pat's life, yet in comparison with Jeng, while Jeng may tower over Pat, he has always been the one to push Pat rather than pull, this was the first time that he was pulling Pat with him. And let me just say, Jeng was not the first one to let go. Their relationship is evolving.

Pat had cancelled meeting with Jeng, after not feeling well about breaking up with Put. Put was his first love, he was the one that had been abandoned, but it's still difficult to come to terms that the love and man you had idealized prior was no longer the man that you were in love with, no matter how hard you attempt to fix together the pieces that had remained. Yet, instead of wallowing in the pain, Pat reached out again to Jeng and asked him if they could still go out, even though he was the one the previously opted out. If Pat being proactive, even when clueless, isn't a step into a new beginning, I don't what is—

Barriers made visible with Peonies and Peperomia

After running away from Chot, they found themselves in a new restaurant, one that partakes in the tradition of plate smashing. Throughout this who sequence, we have the the ornate bouquet in the background that is creating a visual barrier, dividing the restaurant in two sides. In doing so, we're also seeing a rather physical divide between Jeng and Pat. Now I'm sure there are color theories that play into this, with the hues of purple at play, but we don't get a closer, albeit still blurred, look of the flowers until Pat gets up to smash his own plate.

There are two plants that I'm almost certain that are making up the parts of the bouquet. First, what I believe to be red peonies, specifically closed darker red peonies, not yet fully bloomed. Second, it seems that the foliage that is being used to fill the bouquet is watermelon peperomia.

Now Peonies are one of the flowers that have a huge variety of origin stories, so I'm going to stick with the Greek origin story of the Red Peonies since they were in a Greek-themed restaurant (where they're smashing plates to throw away their bad luck). In a water-downed version of the origin story, the red peony is tied to a nymph named Paeonia. Paeonia was incredibly beautiful and attracted the attention of Apollo, resulting in a lot of flirtatious exchanges between the two of them. As they were flirting, Paeonia becomes aware of Aphrodite's presence and turns deep red. Out of spite, Aphrodite turns Paeonia into a red peony. As a result, red peonies are typically understood as a sign of bashfulness, passion, and love.

On the other hand, watermelon peperomia, or more generally, peperomia tends to take on the significance of hope and in certain areas of Latin America, are given as gifts to say that 'Everything will be alright.'

First off, this whole sequence of scenes took me incredibly long to get through just because it felt so intimate both due to Jeng's dilemma in confessing and Pat's own internal fight against his misery.

This whole portion was filled with different points where Pat unintentionally gave Jeng openings. From ordering the Lovers' Special to Pat telling Jeng directly, "I prefer the time that we were nothing like a boss and subordinate." The frankness that Pat was giving Jeng, even if he was a bit tipsy, renewed Jeng's hope that just maybe Pat shares some of the same feelings that he does. As @respectthepetty mentioned here Jeng keeps having an internal battle with his love for Pat this whole episode, so the frankness that Pat is gifting Jeng is like a crumb trail that Jeng is more than happy to swallow up. Giving him a semblance of hope, that just maybe, they could go back to who they were before they met as boss and employee.

Which is what leads into the scene of Jeng's imaginary confession to Pat. This whole series of scenes we're given a glimpse into Jeng's internal monologue, and as @shouldiusemyname stated here, so much of Jeng's internal conflict deals with the uncertainty of where he stands with Pat, because even though he's doing everything to subtly show his interest, Pat is rather oblivious. Throughout this whole dinner, Jeng was sending smoke signals that Pat kept putting out. It's palpable that this is out of Jeng's comfort zone, but he is still trying. Yet, he sees the glimpses of pain that Pat has on his shoulder, and instead of wishing for his own happiness or for Pat's love, instead he wishes that everything will get better for Pat. He, very literally, smashes away Pat's sadness.

Moss my heart and hope to die

If I thought Pat and Jeng were surround by plants and flowers before, when they made their way to the speakeasy, they were not only in a presumed queer bar that Jeng frequents [@chicademartinica reaction really mirrored mine here], but they were surrounded by foliage in every room of this bar. The main distinction between the plants here and in other scenes is that the vast majority of the plants in the bar seemed to be non-flowering. Yet, the greenery was always present, either in an actual planter or even as a mural on the walls and beams of this bar.

Now there were so many leafy greens here, that it would be rather difficult to even attempt to pinpoint what plants are where during what time, but I will say the Spanish Moss, that was adorning the exterior of the speakeasy entrance and framing the right side of the shot, was very apparent.

There's a couple legends that come with the significance of Spanish Moss, but the most popular one derives from Spanish legend. According to Spanish lore, a Spanish explorer [some times told to be a pirate] had attempted to 'buy' a beautiful native woman. Obviously, she feared him and ended up running away, attempting to flee his grasp. He pursued her and in a final attempt to escape, she climbed high up into a tree. In his attempt to capture her he follows her up the tree, but becomes entangled in the tree and dies there, the only thing that remained was his 'grey beard' that continued to grow and spread throughout the tree.

Spanish moss, when used spiritually, is typically used to promote protection for the home, as a sign of security, and a general promise of protection. While some may have a preconceived notion of the plant being parasitic, they are also known for the healing qualities that they are able to provide.

Jeng had a specific purpose when he took Pat along to the bar that he frequents with Jaab and Pat goes along because, as @wen-kexing-apologist stated, he's being self-destructive and wants to forget all the pain from his second break-up with Put. Jeng was more than aware that Pat, even though he was shooting him smiles and having a generally good time for the most part, was struggling, hence why he insisted on one more outing before sending him home alone where he knew that Pat would be suffering alone.

Instead, he brings him to the one spot that, very likely, only his inner-circle would know about. This isn't just about the market research they're conducting, it wasn't even on the list that Pat had drawn up so that they could examine and consider applying to Jeng's own restaurant. A line was being crossed, a literal physical barrier in the shape of hidden bookshelf door, because this is Jeng bringing Pat into his personal life. Jeng has some degree of notoriety, which we haven't explicitly been show to what degree except for very select few moments, but everyone keeps mentioning [@respectthepetty has a great post collecting all these moments.] This speakeasy is likely a safe-haven for Jeng, a reprieve from the insane work-life balance that he lacks. This is Jeng inviting Pat into his "home"; this is where Jeng brings Pat to distract him from the pain that he is carrying.

The Spanish Moss adorning the entrance to Jeng's hidden reprieve, while can seem ominous at first glance, is actually an invitation of where Jeng can offer more to Pat. Yet, while Jeng is so love-stricken by Pat that his brain keeps short-circuiting, he knows that his love isn't what Pat needs at the moment. No matter how much he wants to confess, he instead offers to be Pat's safe-haven, much like this bar has been to him. A place, a person, where Pat can be candid of his emotions, where he can drop the false smiles, really simmer in his feelings and really have someone to depend on rather than running away to another country, because of the pain that he is carrying. A restorative and therapeutic location that Pat can run to, which he didn't have before.

Final Thoughts

Now do I think that the producers and set directors put this much deep thought into every, single, specific flowers that were present in all the scenes in Episode 8? I would be honestly shocked if they did. But, plants and flowers are inserted in the arts to symbolize something. Whether it be new beginnings or blooming love or anything in between, so even if they weren't being so intentional with the specific symbolisms, I do think they were utilizing the botanical references to develop subtle understandings of where Pat and Jeng are in their relationship at the moment.

Anyways, if you made your way through all my senseless rambling, first off, thank you, and secondly, I'll leave you with this:

[ikamigami]

Moon saying "I can't tell the difference between what's real and what isn't anymore" as justification for the mental illness claim, even though he just got comforted during his breakdown and would've for this too except he hid it, that might've been true right after the weird waking dream, but not long after that it seemed like that issue was dropped and he just did something else, is that just me or?

The feeling of not being sure what's real or not sticks with you through whole psychotic episode.. but how you react to things depends on how much detached from reality you are.. or I mean that even if your perception of things is different during mild psychotic episode you still know what is morally right and wrong..

Or to specify.. if you experience severe psychotic episode it's hard for you to understand the consequences of your actions - good example was Sun's psychotic episode: he wasn't thinking about the consequences of his actions, he was unaware how damaging his actions were or could be..

When you experience mild psychotic episode you're more aware of things and if in case like New Moon's you know what you're doing is wrong and know the consequences of your actions - New Moon was aware that others wouldn't want him to bring Solar back the way he wanted hence why he didn't tell them anything and later he decided to leave after he'll bring Solar back because he knew that others aren't and won't be happy with him and what he tried to do..

I think that Moon tried to justify his own actions because he felt confused and scared because of experiencing hallucinations and not being certain about what's real and what's not..

Like you said at first after Moon's vivid/waking dream he's confusion was understandable and if he hypothetically punched Monty because he thought it was someone else or he thought Monty was a threat to him it'd be 100% understandable and justifiable because he couldn't tell the difference between what's real and what's not.. but later he was more aware of things and knew that he's in the wrong and knew the consequences.. and yet he didn't stop, he didn't ask for help, he didn't apologize to anyone and said "I'm sorry that I lashed out.. I just don't know what to do anymore.. I don't know how to make this feeling stop, how to make these voices to go away.." instead he continued to try to kill someone and didn't care that Earth, his sister, could've died as well..

So Moon later was using his mental state as an excuse..

Also him wanting to bring Solar back was him acting on his delusions.. because we saw that even his hallucinations tried to stop him.. if he was acting on his delusions I think that he'd be saying things like "no one understands me" "I'm not bad person" "stop judging me" "you know nothing about me" "get away from me" "I don't trust you" and "I'm weak" "I know that I'm worse than Old Moon" "I tried my best" "I was never good enough" "no one loves me" "stop looking at me like that" "I'm sorry" "I don't know what to do" and he'd either try to hurt himself or just avoid everyone because he's afraid of their judgement or he could attack his family because he thinks that they're threat to his life - ofc all of this is if I'm right that he has persecutory delusions..

But what we got "so I'm a villain" - this could still count as his delusions if it were just these words but because he decided to take bad actions it's not caused by his delusions..

Sun trying to kill Eclipse because of his delusions has a lot of sense considering that he may not see Eclipse only as Eclipse we know but as an embodiment of the voice in his head.. you may think that's a stretch but we ta got any introspection of what Sun exactly thinks about Eclipse especially in crucial moments - why we never found out what Sun was thinking when they found out that star was killing Eclipse? And ofc when Sun went after Eclipse he was very detached from reality..

With Moon we didn't have anything like that so it seems more like he's trying to excuse himself.. like there was no real reason to why Moon became so murderous because of mild psychotic episode.. I think that it's not caused by his mental issues and I really dislike when people try to justify Moon's actions because of his mental issues :/

Thank you for this ask, dear anon ^^

[cozza-frenzy]

Something very strange happened last night...

We've always known Chaos was much bigger than it appeared. Being a Gatekeeper, it's not just a someone (or something), it's not just a part, it's also something that our brain can do. It's the ability to control which parts are conscious and which ones aren't, and how deep we are into the collective subconscious that is our Inner World. Our mind has layers, and Chaos is the one that connects any point in our Inner World to any other point. So when I "fell out" of the fronting room and ended up on the wrong layer following an intense dissociative episode, I wasn't expecting to see this part of it. The picture doesn't even do justice to its size - looking up was like trying to see the top of a skyscraper from the ground, if a skyscraper could lean over and look down at you. And even then, Chaos has confirmed this isn't the actual truth, but rather a "convenient lie" - it appeared as big to me as the biggest thing I could imagine, but theoretically it has no limit. It has no shape. You can't give a shape or a size to the part of our mind that makes connections between all the other parts; it's merely a concept, something that exists in the sparks between neurons in our brain. But our mind tried I guess, after I ended up in there, connected to a part of our mind that I shouldn't be. I saw lines stretching on forever, branching into fractals, every single connection that's ever been made between parts of the Inner World. Chaos "caught" me as I "fell" - there is no up or down in a place like this - and I saw how its fingers curled around me and simultaneously stretched and folded in on themselves infinitely. It told me later that it doesn't have hands or a face in this form, but rather I interpreted it as having them so I could better understand what it was doing. "You can see me? ...Are you afraid of me?" "No. You're still you; you're still kind, I can feel it coming off of you. And I love you."

Chaos is my partner in our system, and I saw how it unfolded into lines and angles like an eldritch angel. Sal is slowly unleashing more of the potential they've been holding back from the system out of fear, so it won't be without consequences - so even though we're back to some semblance of "normal" following this, I won't be able to see Chaos the same way again. I know that behind that smirking face and that tendency to Cause Problems On Purpose is something I can hardly comprehend; the kind of thing your brain keeps suppressed because it'd drive you mad having it there all the time. We're not supposed to be fully aware of what our subconscious mind is doing and how it's doing it, and Chaos reached out and severed the accidental connection between me and that part of it as soon as it was able to. Doesn't mean I don't still love it, though. I saw deeper into our subconscious mind than should normally be possible, met a part of a part of us that remains hidden for a good reason, and it was kind. It saved me, stopped me from sinking so far I might not come out again. It put me back gently to where I'm supposed to be. And whether I'm as small as I look or secretly as huge as it it, I know it loves me too. - Terry

[archivalofsins]

I'm rarely in the tag- So, Star or others basically tell me how it's going in there and like-

All of ya'll sound like you're struggling. What Star told me sounds so stupid. Like this is the weirdest back and forth about nothing I've ever heard. It's impressive how committed everyone seems to be to making the same mistakes. It'd be really nice if more understood Amane's trial happens so late in the game that there's literally no way to change the outcome that's been locked in. Something even made fun of in her voice drama. So, voting based on how one wishes the story will go isn't going to change how it's going.

This is Milgram, after all.

Beyond that, just because someone gives another person their input doesn't mean that person has to take it as we've seen several ways before this with numerous other prisoners. It's ultimately sad because this behavior only sends one message that the abuse and neglect of children is excusable, but how the victims react to that isn't. I don't go into the tag because I've personally seen people literally devolve into doing abuser apologia (going maybe her mom was having a hard time too because of religion and the father being away have you thought of that) and I'm not putting myself through that.

I don't know if people think it's comedic or more humane to make light of the suffering someone was put through by pondering the emotional state of their victimizer or the troubles they could have been going through. But- like I'm too old and too used to hearing this shit to care about this talking point. This may come off as me being stubborn to some, and I can see how others would conclude that. However, sadly, my experiences have taught me that regardless of how bad things get attacking others weaker than you to let out ones frustration is not okay. Just because the person who shot someone is crying doesn't negate the fact they shot someone.

At the same time, it's my personal opinion that if someone does some shit they should be prepared to have that happen to them. One-sidedly hurting others with no consequence to oneself is not okay and never justified in my opinion regardless of if the person doing it is someone's parent/guardian. I don't know; that may be a pretty simple way of thinking, but I feel it's better than going, "Oh, did you ever think her mom was having a hard time, too?"

Because yes, I've thought that of course I've thought that. I grew up in an abusive household, and that is the first thing abusive moms say when they are abusing their children. So, I am incredibly aware of how this fucking works and the statements I've seen on this particularly issue can be retraumatizing to people whom have had these lived experiences.

At times, the things I have been unlucky enough to see and the way they've been discussed have been that to me. So, i can only imagine how people who are younger than me who have gone through these sorts of things or are still going through them feel. This is why even if the discussion around this does not change, it is important to tag this stuff correctly from the start and especially when asked to.

People shouldn't have to reveal personal details about themselves, for this topic to be discussed in a safe and respectful manner. People shouldn't have to be reminded that childhood abuse victims aren't this mythical storytelling device to actually talk about these things with some level of consideration. It's not what people enjoy hearing but individuals who have had the fortune of having parents/guardians or people throughout their lives that don't behave in this manner don't really have the right to tell people who have how they should feel about abuse/abusers.

Simply because it is such a difficult thing for people who have not had it happen to them to wrap their head around. So, they do end up trying to find common ground or an emotional reason that the abuser would act that way towards the person who was abused. However, I can promise anyone reading this that any excuse one can think of has already been used by an abuser and said to the person abused. So, saying stuff like this can easily reinforce that the abuse was justified and the victim deserved it even if that is not the intent of looking into it from that point of view.

This is why most media that discuss abuse try their very best to illustrate how senseless and wrong it is. Something Milgram does. Amane's mom does all this because Amane helped a cat; that's it. Discussing the environmental factors that lead to her mother doing this is giving more benefit of the doubt to her than is being applied to the actual person we're meant to be judging, which is wild. It's difficult for me not to take it as anything other than abuser apologia because no one had to take it there. Literally no one and it shows a flawed understanding of abuse and how it occurs on a societal level.

I am begging read a book, look up information on this topic, and tag posts involving discussing this trial properly. That's all.