#pat x jeng

[wanderlust-in-my-soul]

If you're going to be like this, I'm not going to have the strenght to hold you up. Do you still want me to take a shower? You don't have to anymore.

[25shadesoffebruary]

I want to be your safe zone.

[heretherebedork]

I will always appreciate a good counter lift and an untied apron only enhances the experience. @absolutebl Counter lift!

[wen-kexing-apologist]

I Am Perfectly Normal About Step by Step Episode 7

Sighs. 

Dear readers, I do not have time for this. I have trainings to make, I have shows to catch up on, I have practice to go to. But alas

Here I am 

Once again 

Overanalyzing the fuck out of the body language in my silly little gay Thai shows. 

Because the BODY LANGUAGE in this episode??????????? HELLO?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!

GOD! Jeng and Pat’s interactions are putting worms in my brain. ALRIGHT, LET’S BEGIN

First off: 

Jeng 

When Jaab calls Jeng to accuse him of secretly dating Pat, Jeng immediately starts closing himself off, because he may not currently be secretly dating Pat, but Jeng is head over heels obsessed with Pat already and is trying to hide his feelings, from his brother and from himself by placing his arm across his chest and slouching to hide himself a little better. But of course, he is incapable of truly hiding his feelings for Pat because his whole apartment is BLUE which is Pat’s color. 

And Jeng is nervous, like he knows that he has feelings for Pat, and now he knows that his feelings are obvious enough to his baby brother who is friends with his crush and if his brother knows, then who else knows? Jeng is constantly moving in this scene, he is folding and then unfolding his arms, he is turning forward and then backward, he is pacing!!

When Jeng gets the news from Jaab that Pat is dating someone, his back is turned to the camera. He is facing Pat’s color, but he is in the final stages of trying to hide his feelings by giving the audience nothing but the nervous scratching of his neck to read. 

Until he sinks under the weight of the news that Pat is taken, at which point he sits down on his desk and then his nervous energy is transferred to his fingers, which are fidgeting as he considers whether or not to ask Jaab “Who is Pat seeing?”

Edit: peace, love, and my firstborn to @respectthepetty who has granted me a gif of Mr. Fidget

But he freezes, only shifting the grip he has on his phone while he waits for Jaab’s answer. After Jaab replies Jeng is constantly moving some part of his body: his arm, and then his torso as he takes a deep breath, and then his head as he looks down. 

Jeng, Pat, Put Round One: 

It does not take long for Jeng to figure out who the secret boyfriend is, because Jeng is totally platonically interested in Pat’s life, Jeng is in fact ~completely normal~ about this man. Jeng certainly would never see Put’s wallet, after already having one subtle “he’d not interested in you anymore” at the aquarium with Put, and immediately put the pieces together.

gif from @earthpirapat

Nor would he spend his work hours sulking because he sees Put and Pat flirting with each other...

gif from @earthpirapat

And he 100% most definitely would not need to be physically pulled away from Pat by his brother, because seeing Pat and Put together has made Jeng forget all workplace decorum, and Jeng, who has been unaware of how far over the line he has actually crossed with Pat over the last few episode, is now no longer capable of hiding his intentions while in a workplace setting. 

Especially not when he is wearing a light blue button up shirt, because he’s trying to be neutral but his feelings for Pat are still seeping through. 

This is less a body language note, and more a body placement note, but Pat is positionally closer to Jeng than he is to Put in this scene. 

Put and Pat

With the flirting we get between Put and Pat during the interview, we can see how they might work together as a couple. There is some illusion at least of playfulness and familiarity, they are feeling strongly enough towards each other that they aren’t capable of being 100% professional during that shoot (and neither is Jeng) because he’s too busy looking like a kicked puppy. 

But when we return to Pat’s home, where he and Put are sharing a meal, suddenly the vibe is very different. 

The lighting is dark and white and cold, with a hint of warmth from the lamp in the corner behind Pat, Pat who spends the first part of the meal smiley and trying to engage Put in conversation. But Put is too busy on his phone to pay much attention. In fact, for the entire time that Put and Pat are eating together they do not make eye contact. Only after Pat says that he is full and tries to leave the table, does Put meet his eye. 

This is starkly different than when Pat and Jeng are in the kitchen together: 

gif from @smittenskitten

Here the lighting is bright and warm, golden and more natural in feeling, and Jeng and Pat dedicate too much time to eye contact. Drawn to one another, rather than trying to pick up a connection that was lost years ago. 

The incompatibility continues when Pat has his breakdown on the commercial set. We saw in the earlier dinner scene that Pat is sensitive and that Put, like Jeng, is capable of hurting Pat’s feelings. However, Put only comforts Pat when he himself has made an inappropriate/slightly mean comment about the noodles Pat made, knowing that he fucked up. When the going gets tough, and Pat succumbs to intentional external aggression from Chris’ mom, only Chot reaches out to comfort Pat.

Put won’t even look Pat in the eye. 

Pat runs off to have a #hotgirlmeltdown behind a trailer and Jeng shows up. And this is where I start to go feral, because the HANDS the BODY LANGUAGE the way Jeng is constantly trying to keep himself in check. The way he starts to reach out to take Pat’s wrist, and then immediately pulls his arm back, because he knows that is not an appropriate touch between a boss and an employee. Between Yutaka’s split second reach for Minoru’s hand and Jeng’s split second reach for Pat’s hand I am being personally victimized by the gay yearning of fictional Asian men. 

gif by @pharawee

Jeng looks at Pat approximately a thousand times, trying to figure out what to do, his body making all these little movements like he keeps considering whether or not he should touch Pat, if he can comfort Pat, how he can comfort Pat. 

And Pat leaves him no choice, Pat and Jeng are hidden behind a trailer away from the eyes of the rest of the office, and Pat is too distraught to be thinking about appropriate workplace decorum, and instead seeks comfort from a person who he has feelings for, who has made him feel valued, and supported, and listened to in a way that no one else really has. 

gif from @pharawee

And again, the body language, especially from Man is exquisite here. Jeng is stiff, he doesn’t initially relax into the hug, again his brain catches up to his heart, and he starts to reach out to complete the hug, to touch Pat’s shoulder or arm, and again he stops himself. Jeng’s initial response to this hug is handled in such a way that someone walking by would not read the encounter as romantic. The first few moments of this hug are truly just Pat needing comfort, and his boss being the only person around.

But as Pat continues to cry, Jeng gives in. He finally touches Pat and the second that he completes the hug, the second that his hand makes contact with Pat’s arm, it’s over. There is no more plausible deniability. This is an extremely unprofessional hug, this is a “oh no the boy I like is sad and I must comfort him” hug. Because Jeng makes contact with Pat’s arm and then leans his head down to rest his chin on Pat’s head. 

gif from @pharawee

And it does not leave until Pat finally calms down and breaks the hug. 

So, here’s the thing, it’s not entirely Put’s fault. Like, when Put is being attentive to Pat it seems to go well (the tickling scene from earlier) but his priority is work, and his priority has always been work. Put can’t be seen getting too comfortable with people, on set Put can’t really engage in the behaviors a boyfriend would, Put is still at the will of his manager. But Put left Pat last time in part to pursue a career, and those same things that pulled them apart last time have not gone away. 

Whether Pat realizes it at the moment (and I don’t think he does) getting back together with Put is a last ditch, desperate attempt to try to channel his feelings for Jeng somewhere else. At one point he used to love Put, at one point he and Put seemed to really work together, he can have fun with Put, he and Put know each other, Put is more comfortable with his sexuality now. It could be easy, it could be easy to forget his feelings for Jeng, it could be easy to find the feelings he once had for Put. 

But…

And to Put’s credit, he is extremely forgiving and patient, he says they can take it slow. The whole time they were interspersing teasing with kissing with talking Put and Pat are constantly touching each other, stroking their thumb along a shoulder, running their fingers through each other’s hair. They are comforting touches, they are familiar touches. They are touches that Pat can’t get from Jeng. 

But it doesn’t feel the same, and they both know it, and where Put seems willing to give it time, I think there is a part of him that knows this is not going to work out. Pat is too in love with Jeng. I want to shout out the post by @chicademartinica because it analyzes the use of barriers as a way of showing that Put is trapped outside of Pat’s world. 

So Pat goes to the party, and he drinks and he drinks, and he drinks, and he drinks because it is easier to get drunk and forget that he can’t ignore his feelings for Jeng, and so that he could, as @shortpplfedup so aptly identified in conversation, have some deniability. 

Pat goes to the party and before long he is sitting next to Jeng. Because Pat is also not able to control himself as much as he should. To my mind, Pat is his usual amount of light hearted tease with Jeng, making digs at his breakdown, trying to rope Jeng in to singing karaoke with him, etc. but Jeng, who is at least a glass of wine in, if not more, is uh…much much much more obvious then he usually is. 

Listen, I know what you are all going to say when you read the next sentence, but you know what I mean. Man is a physicality beast. He is an expert in knowing where and how to place macro and micro expressions. He knows when Jeng is supposed to read awkward and stiff, he knows when Jeng is supposed to read comfortable and relaxed. I am struck, watching this couch scene, by how many times Jeng looks out the corner of his eye in Pat’s direction without ever turning his head to face him, when Pat leans in to suggest they sing karaoke together. 

When he turns to face Pat, he is only able to keep his eyes on him for a second at a time, he keeps turning his head almost 180* in the opposite direction every few seconds, changing his body position, smiling, Jeng literally cannot help himself. He’s already had to rein himself in once, almost making a comment about Pat that would not have been work appropriate. 

Pat gets drunker, Pat in fact gets obviously drunker, but we aren’t really certain where Jeng lies in his inebriation levels. Which is fun because that means we get to decide if he is looking at Pat and saying “I will still be there” SO SINCERELY because he is also buzzed/tipsy/drunk and therefore no longer fast enough to stop his mouth. Or if he is deciding to be bold because he knows that Pat and Put are together and he wants to show Pat he is interested. Or if he thinks that Pat will have a repeat of last time, and blackout and not remember everything that Jeng has said. 

It is harder to tell on Jeng than on Pat, but I am pretty sure that Jeng’s cheeks are at least a little flushed, and let’s be real 

gif from @junghaesin

This man is under the influence. Of what? Alcohol? Love? Doesn’t matter, Jeng has gone full Heart Eyes, Motherfucker at the work function. Rest in peace to everyone, and especially Chot who is going to have to deal with their stupid, sorry, gay asses. 

Pat continues to drink, and then, OOP: 

gif from @smittenskitten

Jeng has an excuse to take Pat’s wrist, plausible deniability “I was trying to stop him from drinking more” but honey, that hand stays on the wrist for way longer than #justcoworkers should touch. 

And then Pat chugs the rest of it, and Jeng tries to stop him, and he freezes and for just a second, Pat’s wrist once again passes across Jeng’s fingertips. This time, just brushing together as Pat moves his glass back to the table.

gif from @smittenskitten

Moving on to my absolute favorite part of the entire episode. THE SHIRT SCENE. Yes, I know this scene is probably more accurately referred to as The Grass Jelly scene or the Drunken Hallway Conversation scene but I DO NOT CARE. I DON’T CARE WHAT IS MORE ACCURATE, I DON’T CARE WHAT IS MORE APPROPRIATE, ALL I CARE ABOUT IS THIS:

gif from @earthpirapat

“Mr. Jeng can make grass jelly” Pat says, drunkenly, as he tugs at Jeng’s shirt with enough unsteady force to knock them both back into the wall. You can see the top of this man’s boxers. Does Jeng seem bothered by it? No. Does Jeng seem angry about it? No. Does Jeng try to switch drunken men to support when Pat starts being overly familiar with his tank top? No. 

What does he do? 

HE. LOOKS. DOWN. 

He does not protest. Pat’s faculties are gone and all that is left is Pat’s affection for Jeng. He wants to eat grass jelly because that is a food he associates with Jeng. (Let’s be real here, Pat doesn’t want to eat grass jelly, Pat wants to eat Jeng). Pat plays with Jeng’s shirt because he can’t help but touch Jeng. 

To be completely honest with you, whatever the implications of the grass jelly are, whatever the implications of Jeng just watching this happen, dead fucking silent, I don’t care. I care about how comfortable and familiar it is, and they aren’t even together yet. I don’t care how much sexual tension is acting as an undercurrent to that interaction, I simply think this is so goddamn fucking cute! 

As for the rest of the drunk man shuffle, the benefit of having a Certified Tol Boi like Man, is that Jeng can hold Pat’s hand and cup his chest without it inherently coming off as inappropriate to outsiders, because he is so tall that only Pat’s wrist is really the only thing that can sit somewhere on Jeng’s shoulder that Jeng can grab. Jeng simply must hold Pat’s wrist and/or hand, and he’s slipping more towards Pat’s hand. Convenient. 

This is less a body language analysis and more a “in case you didn’t notice because I did not notice at first and @shortpplfedup had to tell me” JENG TAKES OFF PAT’S SHOES. 

Between this and the t-shirt grab, my brain just wants to spin and spin and spin towards all the domesticity they could have if they were allowed to be a couple right now. 

And now, dear readers, I am coming to a close. If you have gotten this far, again I marvel because, holy shit this is literally so long, and for what? 

So I will end with this, Jeng is a goner, and we’re heading towards the break in the dam. Jeng and Pat have tried to keep their feelings for each other at bay. Jeng has tried to be professional about this, Pat has explicitly made an effort Not To Date His Boss. They have failed. Pat failed the moment he stopped kissing Put, and he failed again the moment he grabbed Jeng’s shirt. (and also a bunch more times, see: eating together before he knew who Jeng was, see: furniture shopping, see: putting on the chef’s hat, see: watching fireworks together). Jeng has been failing the entire goddamn time. God he tried so hard in the beginning, when he learned Pat was going to be his employee, he pulled back initially, he gave critiques, he did not play favorites, but it did not take long for Jeng to come up with more and more excuses for why something was work appropriate. “Oh you won’t have time to go home before the gala, just shower at my place”, “Oh, I’m only available on Sunday for a meeting, just come to my place”, “Oh, I didn’t know where you lived so I let you sleep at my place,”, “Oh, the rooms weren’t booked properly, why don’t you share my place?”

But where are we at the end of Episode 7?

Jeng is, in the light of day, with his employees milling about the room, looking Pat in the face and saying that the video of him drunk is, and I quote “pretty cute.” which means, by extension, Jeng is calling drunk!Pat “pretty cute”, which means that, by extension, Jeng is calling Pat “pretty cute”. Narak indeed, Jeng, narak indeed. So, all caution has been thrown to the wind, Jeng is over trying to be professional, it’s time to officially enter Jeng’s “I Lost Focus and Had A Consensual Workplace Relationship” Era. 

[waitmyturtles]

TW: probably unpopular opinions on Step By Step’s filmmaking!

I’ve had an insane work week so far, so I don’t have the largest amount of time to write an analysis of Step By Step, episode 8, and I’m already late in watching it anyway. But I will largely point everyone in the direction of @lurkingshan’s EXCELLENT analysis of Jeng’s reaction to Pat’s reaction that Jeng is gay (and to @neuroticbookworm’s post-Shan analysis of their prediction of the road ahead, which I subscribe to). 

I’m also late in watching this because I allowed myself the spoilers yesterday, and was admittedly frustrated to learn that the payoff of this episode is that Pat learns about Jeng’s preferences... in an episode that’s over an hour. It’s a very unpopular opinion I have! The editing and some of the writing of this show suck. I’m gonna repeat myself -- I would prefer crisper writing and dialogue. But I am still in favor of the deep focus on Pat and his mindset. It’s just that in some moments (like in the second restaurant), he’ll disappear and we won’t get feedback on that disappearance until MUCH later. (And forget about Jaab and Jen, I’m leaving that alone for this analysis. The show definitely had the time to examine that more in an hourlong+ episode, but didn’t.)

ANYWAY. Citing @bengiyo‘s and @ginnymoonbeam‘s conversation about Pat’s radar -- I want to build off of @bengiyo‘s comment for a moment, on something I realized when Jeng was with Tae, when Jeng got the text message from Pat that the restaurant crawl was on. Something I realized when Tae was asking Jeng about Pat’s intentions is that:

For Jeng, WORK IS LIFE. We’re spending a lot of time, and the show spends a lot of time, dealing with the boss-to-subordinate conflict. BUT. I would argue that Jeng’s whole world is work. The man is LITERALLY WORKING TWO JOBS, TWO HIGH-LEVEL, EXECUTIVE LEADERSHIP JOBS. Man’s insane. 

I give Pat the gigantic benefit of the doubt that he “could” or “should” have known Jeng’s preferences intentions. (@lurkingshan, @bengiyo, and @ginnymoonbeam all know that before seeing the episode, I did state incredulity that Pat DIDN’T know this, so I recant before you all!)

BECAUSE: what PAT is seeing in front of himself, vis à vis Jeng, is a man that is WORKING ALL THE TIME. So I think Pat’s radar is off, in my opinion, because he can ONLY see Jeng as a boss and a leader, and would not allow himself to cross the boss-subordinate boundaries, even in settings where they are “working” on Jeng’s “other” job, because Jeng is a boss in that other space as well. 

And while Jeng doesn’t see this as “working,” Pat certainly does. 

I mean, I’ve tried to get glasses of wine with some former bosses of mine, just to create intimacy and get to know them out of office spaces, and like, all we talk about is work. Some people can’t relax and separate. I get that.

I think Pat ASSUMED Jeng was like that, because in doing social activities, it seems, from Pat’s perspective, that Jeng is still working -- and for that restaurant crawl, he totally is! And Tae knew to call that out and maybe tease Jeng for being a little delulu, which, accurate. 

So I write this, now not in criticism of Pat’s radar, but in grudging support of it, and I say grudging because I do not think the editing of the show is supporting the slow burn anymore. Unpopular opinion, I know. I think this show is doing Pat dirty. I believe the payoff will be good. But the show is dragging and not giving us enough by way of internal communication on Pat’s part to demonstrate intriguing development that grabs me. 

But we get a confession next week. Let’s see how long it’ll take to get there. 

[respectthepetty]

If you need me, I'll be stuck in the blue with Jeng for next few hours, because baby boy was DEEP in Pat's blue all episode.

DEEP

DEEEEEP

THE GODFATHER IS RIGHT THERE! HE CAN SEE YOU FALLING INTO PAT'S BLUE!!!!!!

Babe, you weren't even trying to be neutral in the beginning! You were wearing a blue shirt and tie!

Jeng was in that blue right until the moment shit got real.

But I think he'll be back in it quickly.

Thank goodness baby Jane stayed in the pink though.

Even though he doubled down on it since next week, he appears to not be in pink for the first time.

Sidenote: Those are IKEA Pride bags on the ground. I'm obsessed with IKEA. I know my IKEA bag with the yellow strap! Chot made that happen. I know it. The IKEA queers gotta have each other's backs.

Finally, Put is on the same level as KinnPorsche's Tawan, which means I LOVE HIS PETTY ASS while all of y'all hate him. Eff it up, sir!

If this really does state "Pat's sadness" like them YouTube comments suggested, I'm going to die of embarrassment for the level of whipped Jeng will be when he and Pat finally do get together.

And finally, if Jaab really is a Black Brooder, I'm gonna be salty.

[thefreeblog]

You know what I love most about the dynamic going on in between Pat and Jeng?

See Jeng is rich, handsome and a established business man. He is very particular about his impression in general and in public, where as Pat has just started his career. He is inexperienced and new to everything atleast in the business or work. They have a solid 10yrs gap in them.

We know that it was mostly crush on first sight for both of them. They both have maintained the professionalism to an extent while they work together. But as they spend more time together that guard is slipping, but still you see that despite being younger, inexperienced and clearly overwhelmed by everything that is Jeng, Pat is so put together. He gets flustered but he hides it so well , whereas Jeng as the days pass is turning into a shy ball of a man. He has to look away from Pat. He can't keep looking or he will melt then and there. He just can't control his face , eyes nor his heart from showing that affection for Pat.

Look at the difference between how both of them get flustered.

And this kind of role reversal or anti stereotypical thing going on between them is so precious. I just can't wait to see their dynamic when they get together.

I don't think we have got this dynamic ever in any BL. This is not exactly tsundere - sunshine kinda thing either. I don't know what to call it. But whatever it is glad I am here to witness it.

[crapyouknowme]

NOOOOO WE HAVE TO WAIT TWO WEEKS

[idontknow178]

Tall men I didn't think were capable of kissing their co-stars passionately and totally fooled me, a essay

[mooninagust]

❝now we are together❞

[wanderlust-in-my-soul]

Starving adj. /ˈstɑː(r)vɪŋ/ - very hungry, dying from hunger

[25shadesoffebruary]

Not fair, you're even handsome in a candid photo.

[heretherebedork]

Their relationship can be summed up into heart eyes and height difference and that's just fine by me.

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Going Out

Whether you loved, liked, were neutral, or outright hated today’s Step by Step episode, I want to talk about one of my most favorite (and poignant) moments of today’s episode.

This hand holding scene. 

But, wka, there are so many other scenes for you to focus on! You say. But, wka, there were multiple spicy scenes you need to do body language break down on. But, wka, last week you wrote a 20 page deep dive in to Pat’s psyche. Why are you hyperfixating on this four minute sequence???

BECAUSE THE SOCIAL COMMENTARY TEE AND THE REST OF THE PRODUCTION TEAM IS GIVING HERE IS BEAUTIFUL, BRILLIANT, AND LOWKEY MAKING ME EMOTIONAL GODDAMMIT. 

As someone with strong, deeply rooted beliefs in empathy, in connection, in harm reduction, I can firmly and sincerely say there are people who I consider a part of my community, who I care for deeply, who are my friends who are homeless, who are drug users, or who are homeless drug users. And having worked in harm reduction before let me tell you how truly wonderful and enraging it is to provide people basic services and treat them with basic goddamn dignity and respect and how genuinely surprised, uncertain, or overjoyed my unhoused and/or drug using loved ones are to have someone who actually cares about them. 

SO, I present those pre-emptive thoughts and personal background as proof of concept for what I am about to glean from this whole scene. 

The scene transitions from flirting to community service when Jeng asks Pat if he wants to come with him to give food to the homeless, and I don’t remember this but @bengiyo did but this is something Jeng has been doing since Episode 1, and it shows in the reception Jeng receives when he arrives to this spot under the bridge.

The people who live here know Jeng, the people who live here like Jeng, he comes here often enough that he has established a rapport with their community and it is so so wonderful for me to see this nepo baby raised on rich bitch juice feeling comfortable and at ease with a group of people that society (at least Western society) almost always ignores, belittles, or downright dehumanizes. 

And if I wasn’t already impressed with how Jeng and Step by Step as a whole was handling its portrayal of cultivated relationships with unhoused people, Jeng takes this even further, when he hands the woman the rest of the food bags: 

Now, this is a brief scene and we don’t get a lot of information at all about the people who are living here, but in my mind, or rather the indication I have for this interaction is that Jeng has identified a community pillar, trusts that community member, and is recognizing and valuing the autonomy of the community to distribute the rest of the resources they have been given. 

Most everyone Jeng handed food to wandered off and went about their night, leaving Jeng and Pat alone to sit and talk. Under a bridge. With homeless people nearby. Rather than leave. This is SO IMPORTANT TO ME. It is SO SO SO important to me that Jeng and Pat don’t just show up, hand out food, and immediately return to Jeng’s fancy car to drive back to Jeng’s fancy condo but that they stay and they talk here under the bridge, maintaining a respectful distance since Jeng and the rest of the people in this scene do not appear to have built a strong enough relationship to join them directly, but sharing space nevertheless.

(I will not talk about barriers, I will not talk about barriers, I absolutely, positively will not talk about how Jeng has spent most of the show with a vertical line between him and Pat, and Put spent most of Episode 7 with vertical lines keeping him out of Pat’s world, and now that Pat and Jeng are an item, they are sitting together inside double barriers, boxing themselves in having a discussion on cruelty because they are still in the phase of their relationship where the two of them are in their own little world and hiding from the world at lar... FUCK I talked about the barriers) 

ANYWAY, I absolutely will not talk any more about the barriers and will instead begin my descent into madness in the form of The Proffering of the Hand. 

The build up to this moment starts when Jeng and Pat settle down to talk. They are sitting as close together as they can be without physically touching, they are openly flirting, they are making prolonged eye contact. Basically, they are being very obviously gooey, and the community member who appears to be the closest to Jeng (this is the person who hugged Jeng when he arrived) comes up to him and Pat, and points out the drawing that he made and the similarities he sees between that drawing and the two of them. 

The drawing is two stick figures of an undetermined gender (or if you want to read it this way, of a visually similar build [ie both people have triangle chests and short hair, no obvious breast tissue, no differentiation in color, they their faces are a little different but they are nearly identical] so you could call this a drawing of a same sex couple and it wouldn’t be wildly off-base, especially not with the original artist here telling Jeng and Pat they look like the drawing). For the sake of making me feel even stronger about my love for this scene, lets say this is a drawing of a same sex couple. 

Now the two lines this person says to Jeng and Pat are particularly striking to me: 

“This picture was drawn by me, you look the same” 

“It looks like us.”

Both of these lines are said by the artist. You can interpret that “it looks like us” line however you want to, but baby that’s queer to me. 

The artist walks away, leaving Jeng smiling softly to himself, thinking about it for approximately three seconds and then proffering his hand. 

Now, Jeng and Pat have not…how you say….been particularly careful about maintaining appropriate distances from each other anywhere since they started jumping each other for sport, but the touches they give to each other in the workplace are secret, are hidden. Hands held between them on the computer in a cubicle where no one can see, arms pressed up against each other so they can be mistaken for just being cramped, footsie under the table away from prying eyes. 

Here, now, is the first time since they got together that Jeng overtly, publicly extends a hand to Pat in a move that cannot be mistaken as anything but romantic. Pat is, rightfully all things considered, a little apprehensive. 

“What is it?” he asks “It’s like the picture that he drew,” with a smile and a soft nod to his hand.

Pat’s brow furrows, he looks to his right, where the people they visited are sitting, he looks to the left his eyes scanning for any other potential witnesses. Pat, who has been the person consistently approaching this relationship with the most caution, is initially hesitant to take Jeng’s hand; Is initially hesitant to confirm their relationship to one another with other people around. 

“No, people will see”

“No one will see” Jeng says, and I want to make it clear here that this is not a situation where Jeng is saying that the unhoused folks sitting nearby aren’t people. 

I interpret it more as there is no one around who would be unsafe for us to be visible to. 

Pat takes Jeng’s hand. Right here, out in the open, with people around him, he takes Pat’s hand in his outside of their houses, outside of Jeng’s car, outside. Outside. OUTSIDE. 

So why is this such a monumental occasion for me? 

I feel like I always say this, so eventually I have to make it happen, that I need to familiarize myself more with Thai social issues, because  I don’t know much about Thai homelessness, and which populations of people are disproportionately represented there. So when I saw this scene, the only way I could approach it was with a Western lens. And  I am comfortable running with my thoughts here using that Western lens because Pat references American homelessness in his conversion with Jeng. 

Which means, dear readers…

The first thing that came to mind for me when Jeng and Pat were visibly queer here was the disproportionate rates of homelessness in the queer community in the United States. 

Let me give you some quick (and very unfun) stats about homelessness and queerness in the United States:

40% of homeless youth are queer

Queer youth are 120% more likely to experience homelessness than non-queer youth 

In one survey, researchers found: 

8% of transgender adults surveyed had experienced homelessness in the past 12 months

3% of cisgender queer adults surveyed had experienced homelessness in the past 12 months 

1% of cisgender heterosexual adults surveyed had experienced homelessness in the past 12 months. 

All this to say, that there are close ties between queer people and homelessness. 

And there is something extremely, extremely powerful in Tee and co. recognizing and affirming that queer people can be safer sharing space with homeless people than they might be sharing space with salarymen at a corporate office. 

For a number of reasons, Pat and Jeng cannot come out at the office, even if that closet is glass. In huge part because a boss and subordinate relationship is a gross imbalance of power, but also because homophobia is rampant in that office. We saw it all the way in the beginning of the show, when Pat was asked if he was a top or bottom. We see it now, when Pat is overhearing his colleagues, his coworkers, that spent the beginning of his time at this office exploiting him to do their labor, saying awful, gross, disgusting shit about him and to him. 

“I didn’t think he’d be working on his knees” 

“Lick until you get your bonus”  These are things Pat is seeing, Pat is hearing in this place full of “people contributing to the betterment of society”, people who have stable housing, and cash to spare, and food to eat. People who aren’t looked down upon by society, people who reflect society’s current ideals and mindsets. The other queer people in the office clocked Jeng immediately, but Pat didn’t and neither did any of the straight employees in the office until Pat and Jeng started hanging around

each other more unable to turn off their heart eyes. Because Jeng is in a position of power, he dresses in traditionally professional clothing every day. Collared shirt of mild color, suit, tie, brown loafers. Compare him to Chot or Pat and you can see how Jeng blends in as straight to people who aren’t trained to clock that shit. Look at Jeng when he’s out of the office and hanging out around Pat, he is in denim, he is in white tank tops, he is wearing a chain. Jeng is putting armor on when he goes to the office. Pat and Chot don’t have that luxury. 

And as a result, Pat and Jeng can only be out and open at home. Until now. Until this moment.

Step by Step definitively established in this one scene, in under FOUR MINUTES that Jeng and Pat, two queer men were made to feel comfortable enough and free enough in this place in this space around people who are often villainized, who are often deprived of human rights, people who are often seen as deserving of their poverty and the treatment they get from others as a result, people who are frequently spoken about as being a negative impact on society (WHICH IS BULLSHIT BY THE WAY HOLY FU- *I am forcibly removed from my pedestal*) because queer people are often villainized, deprived of human rights, seen as deserving of the terrible treatment that they get, and are frequently spoken about as being a negative impact on society. 

And considering the statistics on how many homeless youth are queer, there is something to be said for the way the person who appears the youngest, or who at least is acting the youngest, is the person who initiates the interaction that signals to Jeng that they are safe here. That helps Jeng and Pat realize they can engage in a public display of affection here amongst people who understand. 

And that is one hell of a fucking statement to make if I do say so myself. 

Side Note 1: I was already leaning towards this show being a For, By, and About Queers show. This scene solidified that for me. 

Side Note 2: I am thinking about the BL trope of the BL Bridge, I think this was something that @absolutebl wrote about once, but please correct me if I am wrong. If you are new to BL or otherwise unfamiliar with the trope, it is essentially just a repeated theme in multiple BL shows where one of the couples kisses in front of famous bridges in Bangkok. It is notable that in a show like this that is For, By, and About Queers (and boy do I have more thoughts on when and where and how the connection between Jeng and Pat deepens over the last couple episodes in relation to the workplace and homophobia (see @bengiyo’s quick thoughts which will hopefully become bigger thoughts on queer people and corporate culture)) that Jeng and Pat’s first openly public display of affection happens not on the surface, not lit up by bridge lights, not where the whole world can see them. But underneath a bridge, hidden away with the rest of the people that society has shunned, looked down upon, dehumanized, ignored, and failed to support. 

(tagging @neuroticbookworm who is waiting patiently and @waitmyturtles because if I know one person on this website who is gonna add something incredible to a discussion of homelessness in this scene, it's gonna be my bestie.)

[syrena-del-mar]

The Birth Order Theory: The Only Child in Step By Step

First things first, I already touched upon this idea about the presentation of the Birth Order Theory in Step by Step a bit while I was live-blogging Episode 9, but I was pretty much enamored with the episode so I don't think I was able to coherently state my thoughts. Episode 9 of Step by Step (in my opinion) has been one of the best so far in the whole series. Which is saying something since I've been enjoying this series immensely since the first episode. Granted, I am more forgiving regarding filming mistakes or even most timeline confusion as long as there are captivating characters that drive the story.

I already thought that most of the characters were all, generally, well fleshed out— my reservation being on Jane— but episode 9 really knocked it out of the park for me. What really stood out to me was the juxtaposition with how Jeng and Pat were able to deal with the fall out of Jeng's confession. I actually came to appreciate and understand Pat a lot more on why he reacts as he does because of this episode.

So we're back to the Birth Order Theory, but this time we're applying it to Step by Step, I promise to attempt to keep it a shorter read than my La Pluie Birth Order post.

Only Child Syndrome and the Lack of Sibling Effect on Pat

If you want a more substantive post on what Birth Order Theory actually encapsulates, you can click on my La Pluie post, where I dive into it a bit more, before proceeding. Essentially, it's a theory that reasons that the personality that you develop is affected by the order in which you were born into your family. There's no hard evidence to base its' accuracy, simply anecdotal, but for characters and stories we don't need the scientific evidence to be accurate.

The Only Child Syndrome is typically seen as a negative effect on children with no siblings. Austrian psychotherapist, Alfred Adler, suggests that while only children are at an advantage due to being the sole focus of the parents (both financially and emotionally), the "sibling deprivation" that they experience has a detrimental effect on the only child's personality since they lack interactions with their peers at home. Depending on the child's upbringing and the tactics that parents utilize, only children can struggle with anxiety and lack social skills at a higher rate than their peers that have siblings. Since only children's parents have no other children, they are often over-protected during their upbringing which can lead to overachieving children that struggle when it comes to healthily dealing with stress. They often have face difficulty sharing with peers, while also preferring to maintain direct communication in order to avoid misunderstandings.

Maybe it's just me, but I think it took me too many episodes to fully register that Pat was an only child. Personally, I believe it's because we typically see Pat being surrounded by people, especially when he's facing emotional turmoil. As a result, I didn't register how small his nuclear family was. This episode really highlighted how alone Pat is when he's not with his friends. While Jeng has his brother to depend on and cry with (not to mention the unseen sister), Pat has no other outlet than himself on a day-to-day basis. Even though he surrounds himself with friends, he goes home to a dark and empty house which contrasts Jeng, who has the choice of going home to his brother.

From what we are shown, Pat's parents are mostly absent from Pat's life. Pat's mother lives abroad, has remade her life after the divorce, has her own family and has resettled. Pat's father seems to be dating different people and likely traveling around. They both only really seem to physically reappear into Pat's life around his birthday from what they have mentioned. Life does move on and sometimes you 're not able to care for yourself as much as you like, it's important to come to terms with that and be able to navigate life regardless, but it does add another layer as to why Pat has been unable to successfully deal with his emotions. He's an only child with divorced parents. Add to the fact that the parents are all around the globe and not easily accessible, it really seems like he's the one that's always being left behind and abandoned, or at least not anyone's main priority. I'm sure this notion was only reinforced when Put chose his career over their relationship. Pat, while not immediately visible, seems to struggle with abandonment and just being alone.

I agree with Pat's parents that people entering and exiting your life is the natural cadence of life and that it does not determine the love that people have for each other. Yet, Pat is only 24 years old. This newfound realization of how he's unable to prioritize himself, plus the added emotional charge of breaking up with his boyfriend again (and on top of that, your boss confessing), is a lot to be able to really process. They're all part of the growing pains that you experience in your twenties. For the most part, Pat is navigating the growing pains alone. He doesn't have a sibling to learn from or with, so it adds a layer of hardship to that. At the end of the day, while Jeng can go back home to his brother (arguably, even his parents... though that's a whole conversation), Pat goes back to a house, where it's just him and his stuffed tiger (that is now in time-out somewhere in a drawer.)

Pat and his struggle with Conflict Resolution and Balancing Stress

Pat struggles with fully being able to express himself, we saw this when we first met him at the office, he was being ridiculously overworked. Not to mention the office rules and societal rules placed on subordinate employees, it's difficult enough to say no, but this, theoretically, also stems from being the only child in the family, where he was probably subject to more "adult influences" since he only had his parents growing up. He is an over-achiever, which we see with him having gained his Masters abroad before coming back to Thailand to work (even if he did initially run away after being abandoned by Put) so he's having to adjust. His struggle to fully express yourself correct, when you already have an issue saying no and standing up for yourself, is not going to magically disappear without putting effort to improve, even if you age.

Now I'm not saying that those moments of emotional outbursts that Pat was showing was not immature or unprofessional, but I think it really puts into perspective as to why he's reacting as he did. He's relatively young, at 24, and he's rather new in the workforce, having just finished his academic career. Everyone starts out with a level of professionality, which Pat originally was. Except his professionality ended with him becoming a doormat. The burnout of being used, combined with the new expectations that Jeng came in with, Pat's stress escalated. Pat's emotional outbursts were a direct result of not having positive coping methods. He went out with his friends and got absolutely trashed each time he was stressed. It's a rather troublesome way to manage his anxiety and stress, because it does not resolve his anxiety or stress that he already has.

I'm also not diminishing any relationships that an only child may form with friends and other loved ones, I'm a firm believer of found families, but I do think that sibling relationships, typically, guarantee a relationship that is emotionally charged and characterized with an intimacy that are not as easily formed with non-direct blood relatives [disclaimer: this assumption does not apply to every only child and I'm solely using this theory for application here.] When you have siblings that have a long history and intimate knowledge of who you are as a being, there are ample opportunities to provide both emotional and instrumental support with on another. Conflicts naturally arise in sibling relationships and as a child, you tend to learn different conflict management and resolution strategies. While only children can have the opportunity to learn the same skills, I think it can be profoundly different in how they learn and implement those skills into adulthood.

Here, when Pat is facing any professional or personal difficulties, he often turned to Ae (and Beam by default). When he was dealing with solely professional issues at work, he got accustomed to turning to Jeng for solutions or comfort. He coped by being with people and socializing with them (this includes his excessive drinking in social circles), rarely did we see 100% on his own dealing and mulling over his feelings. This time around, Ae, while still being a great friend, is just in a different stage of her life. She's engaged and has a baby on the way, this doesn't minimize the friendship, but it does signify a shift in the relationship dynamics of their friendship are bound to occur that comes with time. Plus he doesn't even have Jeng to depend on, because Jeng is the issue this time around. Even Chot, though he's a great friend, he's still a work friend. The time and understanding that is needed to nurture a friendship where Pat can fully open up to him is just not there yet. Pat, in this moment of his life, lacks that person that he can turn to and who truly understands him.

Final Thoughts

Both Jeng and Pat really shone in episode 9 and I completely agree on how heartbreaking it was to see Jeng be heartbroken, but I think Pat gets written off a bit too easily for my taste. I've seen people discuss Step-by-Step and simply cast Pat aside due to his "immaturity", I mean even I'm guilty of an eye-roll or two with some of his decisions, but episode 9 really fleshed him out.

Rather than immature, due to the negative connotation it carries, I'm starting to see him as inexperienced. He's still learning and his reactions are a result of all his life experiences. It's easy to overlook the reasoning as to why he reacts the way he does, especially when you have Jeng crying his heart out, but his reaction is a culmination of Pat's life experiences. He's just getting out of a break-up, he had no clue Jeng was not straight, he has abandonment issues, insecurity issues, and then Jeng is his boss of the same office that is filled with workers that harassed him. It's a lot to think about and he has a lot to lose if he just accepted Jeng rashly.

There's a proverb in Spanish, "Todos los hombres estamos hechos del mismo barro, pero no del mismo molde." Essentially, even if we're made of the same clay, we do not come from the same mold. Pat reactions start to make more sense when you look at the life experiences that have shaped him, instead of just simply thinking, "I would never act like that." Episode 9 really hit that message home this week.

[respectthepetty]